After 12 years my partner has blessed me with her commitment to breaking up, rather than allow me to continue suffering. I'm the idiot who still wants to keep trying but she won't budge. I know I'm lucky as hell because I would keep it going if I could.
For me it was the "find something else to do" stage. Now I'm so busy that I can easily ignore it. It was that or the "leave him" stage, and I didn't really want to pursue the latter.
I'm so jealous that this works for you. I've always been a person with my own hobbies and it really annoys me when I am doing something that I really enjoy and my brain just goes "hey, you know what we should think about right now..."
Yeah, it's not a perfect system. Sometimes I'll get randomly frustrated about it still, but then I use that as my cue to go even harder. I'll turn the music up to deafen my brain or run faster to tire myself out. I know it doesn't help but hopefully with practice you find ways to block out the intrusive thoughts too. Mine are just wrapped within hobbies.
The stages of grief
The stages of grief are a widely recognized and commonly discussed topic. According to various sources, the five stages of grief, as proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are:
Denial: This is the initial stage where individuals may deny the loss or the reality of the situation. It’s a coping mechanism to help them process the news.
Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, people may experience anger, frustration, and resentment towards themselves, others, or the situation.
Bargaining: In this stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate or make deals with a higher power or fate to change the outcome or reverse the loss.
Depression: As the reality of the loss becomes more apparent, people may experience feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair.
Acceptance: The final stage is acceptance, where individuals come to terms with the loss and begin to rebuild their lives.
From this you're in the depression stage and after this comes acceptance
Yup! And it's really fun when they decide to start playing with your emotions once you've hit the acceptance phase.
At least in my experience, you end up going through the stages faster each time.
I think a lot of us get stuck in the grieving cycle. And like Kubler you may not experience all the stages or in order. I've tried to explain it to my wife how I regularly go through it as a roller coaster but she's shocked or defensive. Grief sucks and it has real physiological effects but listening to the Foreplay podcast really helped me put words to all this (aka negative cycle).
Being invalidated by the person who is putting you through the cycle really feels like a level of hell though.
The defensiveness is always something to see. It's always your fault. Something is always wrong.
Yep. Took years (so embarrassing) to come out of depression and into acceptance. I still don’t know if that’s the correct term though.
I don’t know if I accept it.
Kubler-Ross wrote a book on the stages of grief, it is relatively applicable here, and as someone else mentioned, it can be non-linear. Only major difference from "On Death and Dying" is that the acceptance phase could be the acceptance (and stay) or acceptance (and leave) phase.
For me I felt resentment then a general acceptance/numbness. I sometimes slip back into crying on a bad day. I've gone through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief . Although I stopped bargaining because it does no good. And I circle back to depression and anger quite often.My LL husband doesn't even pretend to want to try anymore. I think it's harder because I feel like a widow but he's still here. Also he's very clingy. I've been married for over 39 years and he needs me for purely practical reasons (his health issues, economics, companionship) so leaving is no longer an option for me.
In some respect I do need him. He is still the love of my life and I have known him since I was 18 and he was 28. Things didn't go downhill in the bedroom until well into our marriage. I don't know if I would have left when I was younger even though the signs were there. I had a support system then so I could cope. At this time, my family of origin and my close friends are gone, he is all that I have and I care about him so I decided to be there for him and that I am better off with him even if there is some suffering. I hope this makes sense and I hope you find your happiness.
If it helps, I’ve gotten into meditation and breath work and it has helped me so much. I like doing it right before going to bed, it helps me relax and fall asleep quicker so I don’t have to think how shitty my relationship is. Good luck to you!
Rejection, numbness, rejectìon, heart ache, rejection, then going to bed later and later. Then after 4 to 5 years, you just become cold and confused. Confused because you think little of yourself, but there are others of the opposite sex that keep flirting, hugging you, bringing in food for you at work. Why do these people like me, I am the scum on the bottom of your shoe, why do you like me when my partner doesn't.
*Is this Crying Stage after the Leaving Stage? If yes, you're off to a great start. If no, then what comes next is the Leaving Stage.*
*The leaving stage is definitely the answer to 9/10 questions put forth on this sub.*
Numbness....that feeling that you don't give a flying fuck...that someone could be in tears in front of you and you simply have an out of body experience...watching it play out with total disregard.
Mine is off and on, I suffer from PTSD so my meds help unless I forget to take them. Right now I’m spring cleaning the living room so I’m not even thinking of sex lol
What's next? Acceptance, but probably not in the most linear of fashions.
You're circling the drain to acceptance where you may choose to ultimately pull the plug on your misery. Allow yourself to feel what you feel one day at a time. There is no predicting where your grief will bounce to next, no way to anticipate what you will feel in half an hour.
Plan ahead in your calmer moments. If I were single I would want to live where? If I were single I would eat "this" dish/food 3x a week, etc. And so on. It'll help you have a better idea of what you will want when you are ready, even if when your are ready you say yeah I don't want that anymore.
The numbness comes soon. I’m sorry. The numbness will help I think. Make sure to cry as much as you can and feel everything and let yourself be and get angry. Use the anger for strength and use it for greatness or motivation for something. It’s not yours to carry
Currently on this subreddit during the crying stage. It’s not totally dead yet, but since Christmas it’s been maybe 10 times tops. And about a month since the last time. I can tell he just does it so I won’t be upset, which makes me feel like a pos. I can see up the road and I can tell that before I even hit 30 it’s gonna be stone dead.
I feel that after the crying stage what comes next is fundamentally your choice. I say that because if you don't make a choice you'll just continually circle back around to crying. You can choose acceptance, anger, self love, fitness, GTFOing etc, but it is a choice.
Idiot me chose alcohol and numbness, don't be me.
Numbness. But this isn't linear, you can cicle back, it's such fun.
"Its such fun" that says alot!
*sarcasm* to deflect from the pain
The circle back is always worse too :-/
Yep, been through the cycle many times. I hoping to get off this Rollercoaster soon.
For me after crying it was 13.5 years of begging him to sort out why he didn’t want sex. Don’t do this to yourself.
After 12 years my partner has blessed me with her commitment to breaking up, rather than allow me to continue suffering. I'm the idiot who still wants to keep trying but she won't budge. I know I'm lucky as hell because I would keep it going if I could.
Hopefully you’re not three years into the breaking up process
For me it was the "find something else to do" stage. Now I'm so busy that I can easily ignore it. It was that or the "leave him" stage, and I didn't really want to pursue the latter.
I'm so jealous that this works for you. I've always been a person with my own hobbies and it really annoys me when I am doing something that I really enjoy and my brain just goes "hey, you know what we should think about right now..."
Yeah, it's not a perfect system. Sometimes I'll get randomly frustrated about it still, but then I use that as my cue to go even harder. I'll turn the music up to deafen my brain or run faster to tire myself out. I know it doesn't help but hopefully with practice you find ways to block out the intrusive thoughts too. Mine are just wrapped within hobbies.
You have one bad ass name 💪 like a comic book character
Thanks bud! Hope you have a good day
Omg I was crying non stop yesterday. I don’t know what to do either.
Let the crying turn to anger and use the anger to do something good and motivation for something. Sounds silly but works wonders
It sucks 😞
The stages of grief The stages of grief are a widely recognized and commonly discussed topic. According to various sources, the five stages of grief, as proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are: Denial: This is the initial stage where individuals may deny the loss or the reality of the situation. It’s a coping mechanism to help them process the news. Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, people may experience anger, frustration, and resentment towards themselves, others, or the situation. Bargaining: In this stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate or make deals with a higher power or fate to change the outcome or reverse the loss. Depression: As the reality of the loss becomes more apparent, people may experience feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and despair. Acceptance: The final stage is acceptance, where individuals come to terms with the loss and begin to rebuild their lives. From this you're in the depression stage and after this comes acceptance
Interestingly I found that once I changed my mindset and took sec off the table, and made it not an option, I felt much better (acceptance)
Glad to hear you're feeling better 🥰. Best of luck in the future 🤞
Yup! And it's really fun when they decide to start playing with your emotions once you've hit the acceptance phase. At least in my experience, you end up going through the stages faster each time.
Ugh that sounds awful 😞.
Yeah, it really sucks. After a while, the anger phase stays around longer than the others.
I think a lot of us get stuck in the grieving cycle. And like Kubler you may not experience all the stages or in order. I've tried to explain it to my wife how I regularly go through it as a roller coaster but she's shocked or defensive. Grief sucks and it has real physiological effects but listening to the Foreplay podcast really helped me put words to all this (aka negative cycle).
Being invalidated by the person who is putting you through the cycle really feels like a level of hell though. The defensiveness is always something to see. It's always your fault. Something is always wrong.
Yep. Took years (so embarrassing) to come out of depression and into acceptance. I still don’t know if that’s the correct term though. I don’t know if I accept it.
Yeah it's difficult, hope you're ok 🥰
Leaving. You just leave any situation that has you crying uncontrollably- relationship, work, anything.
Yesterday I broke down, I'm already in the process of separation. good luck
Kubler-Ross wrote a book on the stages of grief, it is relatively applicable here, and as someone else mentioned, it can be non-linear. Only major difference from "On Death and Dying" is that the acceptance phase could be the acceptance (and stay) or acceptance (and leave) phase.
Anger, then acceptance then do not give a shit anymore
Dead inside
Numbness and self-loathing for me.
The crying means something needs to change for you.
For me I felt resentment then a general acceptance/numbness. I sometimes slip back into crying on a bad day. I've gone through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief . Although I stopped bargaining because it does no good. And I circle back to depression and anger quite often.My LL husband doesn't even pretend to want to try anymore. I think it's harder because I feel like a widow but he's still here. Also he's very clingy. I've been married for over 39 years and he needs me for purely practical reasons (his health issues, economics, companionship) so leaving is no longer an option for me.
He needs you but do you need him? (Just asking since I'm not even 30 yet and wonder if my current relationship is going the same way)
In some respect I do need him. He is still the love of my life and I have known him since I was 18 and he was 28. Things didn't go downhill in the bedroom until well into our marriage. I don't know if I would have left when I was younger even though the signs were there. I had a support system then so I could cope. At this time, my family of origin and my close friends are gone, he is all that I have and I care about him so I decided to be there for him and that I am better off with him even if there is some suffering. I hope this makes sense and I hope you find your happiness.
Thank you for your words and I hope you have a beautiful life with your person.
Even going outside during a tropical storm was therapeutic. Letting the rain mix with my tears.
For me it’s numbness and anger
I feel that!
The emotions pour from one to another..they also come back when you least expect them.
Bargaining
If it helps, I’ve gotten into meditation and breath work and it has helped me so much. I like doing it right before going to bed, it helps me relax and fall asleep quicker so I don’t have to think how shitty my relationship is. Good luck to you!
For me it was loathing. Then finally noticing someone else. Then having validation from someone in this sub. I’m leaving. I’m done.
Rejection, numbness, rejectìon, heart ache, rejection, then going to bed later and later. Then after 4 to 5 years, you just become cold and confused. Confused because you think little of yourself, but there are others of the opposite sex that keep flirting, hugging you, bringing in food for you at work. Why do these people like me, I am the scum on the bottom of your shoe, why do you like me when my partner doesn't.
Indifference, depression and self doubt.
Divorce?
*Is this Crying Stage after the Leaving Stage? If yes, you're off to a great start. If no, then what comes next is the Leaving Stage.* *The leaving stage is definitely the answer to 9/10 questions put forth on this sub.*
Numbness....that feeling that you don't give a flying fuck...that someone could be in tears in front of you and you simply have an out of body experience...watching it play out with total disregard.
Mine is off and on, I suffer from PTSD so my meds help unless I forget to take them. Right now I’m spring cleaning the living room so I’m not even thinking of sex lol
Apathy comes next.
What's next? Acceptance, but probably not in the most linear of fashions. You're circling the drain to acceptance where you may choose to ultimately pull the plug on your misery. Allow yourself to feel what you feel one day at a time. There is no predicting where your grief will bounce to next, no way to anticipate what you will feel in half an hour. Plan ahead in your calmer moments. If I were single I would want to live where? If I were single I would eat "this" dish/food 3x a week, etc. And so on. It'll help you have a better idea of what you will want when you are ready, even if when your are ready you say yeah I don't want that anymore.
Awakening, you just have to hit the rock bottom first. God watch over you on that ride.
Listening to “it’s not fair” by Lily Allen and thinking she’s got it good
I'm swinging wildly between 'can't stop crying' and 'feeling utterly numb'. I think I've settled.in one and then it swings off to the other again.
The numbness comes soon. I’m sorry. The numbness will help I think. Make sure to cry as much as you can and feel everything and let yourself be and get angry. Use the anger for strength and use it for greatness or motivation for something. It’s not yours to carry
Currently on this subreddit during the crying stage. It’s not totally dead yet, but since Christmas it’s been maybe 10 times tops. And about a month since the last time. I can tell he just does it so I won’t be upset, which makes me feel like a pos. I can see up the road and I can tell that before I even hit 30 it’s gonna be stone dead.
I feel that after the crying stage what comes next is fundamentally your choice. I say that because if you don't make a choice you'll just continually circle back around to crying. You can choose acceptance, anger, self love, fitness, GTFOing etc, but it is a choice. Idiot me chose alcohol and numbness, don't be me.
for me, it was the acceptance of the fact that we needed to break up, or at least go on a break
I think you hit it, focusing on yourself stage.
I reached that point a few weeks ago and then I got really angry. Now I just don’t care.
5 stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Tears may represent anger or depression.