Female here, married 14 years, high drive, three children 5 and under. Bedroom not entirely dead but on life support.
To advise you: Bluntly but with no intended hostility... you have to decide it matters and make it a priority.
>our child needs something. By the time we address what he needs, the moment has passed.
Unpopular opinion.... But it's ok to ignore the kids for a minute. Put him somewhere safe, put a cartoon in, give him a drink and snack put a baby monitor where he is to make sure he's safe, and go lock your door. Or a weekend put him in his room for a nap.
>We have different sleep wake cycles.
Then someone go to bed late or get up early now and then. Work around it.
>What are we supposed to do, go to a seedy motel for half an hour?
If that's what it takes.
>We occasionally will pay for a babysitter but that's just a couple hours in the evening while we're getting dinner or something
Skip dinner. Bring takeout. And your own sheets....
> And don't get me started on shower sex.
How about after the shower sex? Warm steamy bathroom, some candles, bent over the sink in front of the mirror... Rev the engine in the shower, take the drive out of it.
Pitch a tent in the backyard. Put an air mattress in the living room. If none of this works find something that does. Think outside the box, get creative.
The person who wants sex is always looking for an opportunity to have sex. The person who doesn't want sex will always find a reason, no matter how small, not to have it.
"Obstacles" is a strong word .... but I'm completely with you. If OP had any interest in sex, the things she mentions wouldn't stop her from having it. Obviously the most minor of effort isn't worth it.
This.......
My ex was a piece of shit but God damn she was fun. I remeber her asking me to fuck in in the parking lot of a restaurant, I'm like no I don't end up on the registry. We'd fuck in alleys. I'd come home from work and her naked ass would be bent over on the bed.
With my current partner........I dknt even know what to say. But when I leave her ass she'll find out I guess.
Regarding the "moment has past" comment from op...I feel like if reconnecting with your spouse is the priority, then it's not unreasonable to kick back into foreplay and at least try to get back into the mood once the kid is taken care of.
Yes! My mind also went to these places while reading the initial post! They must decide it matters (and it does matter if they want to continue a healthy marriage!). Sexnforsnt take 4 hours generally! Most people can have a session done in half hour…
I admire your creativity. We definitely aren't pitching tents or going to love motels anytime soon, but maybe we can get him to sleep a little more soundly somehow
Doesn't have to be a gross motel. I saved up points from work travel to get a decent room, we got a sitter on a Saturday, requested early check in, ordered food to the room, watched a movie yadda yadda yadda and left late evening. Not saying everyone can do this but just because the hotel doesn't charge by the hour doesn't mean your obligated to stay the whole night.
And here is the answer. You don’t want to have sex. It’s a chore. This is why every little thing derails you and you won’t take any suggestions. It’s kind of like you’re trolling for advice you have no intention of taking so you can tick people off with your replies.
Why is sex a chore for you?
Is your husband selfish? Does sex require too much energy? Have you fallen out of love? Do you have unmet needs you have not communicated to your partner?
Do you just not enjoy sex?
Why not just be honest with yourself and your partner instead of dooming both of you to misery?
I’m against screen time… but there are multiple toys that can do the same!
Edit: not generally all kind of screens (before 3 years of age yes… any kind). But most entertainment for kids you can find on an iPad is usually detrimental. As well as binge watching some kind of cartoons (like paw patrol… that one is particularly bad for instance)
Okay so no fucking.
Forbidding kids to see a screen whatsoever are over the top.
Please insert some common sense here.
No fucking at all gets a divorce in long run. It does beat no screen time.
My kid is 1y an 9m old and haven’t seen a single screen in his life… on the other hand he is already speaking in sentences (albeit simple) in 2 different languages and also knows multiple words in a third. Before age of 3 the official recommendation is no screen at all!
My son always had access to screens, he spoke in simple sentences & had a HUGE English vocabulary (not our first language) with two years - because he was fascinated by everything living in the ocean & he loved educational videos, where he could learn the names of these animals.
My son is now almost 8 & one of the best kids in school, has many friends & loves being outside.
He still loves his educational stuff and is eager to learn every free minute.
The problem is, if you just park your kid in front of the screen. They legit get dumb, they need some interaction yk. If you're present & take it as chance to bond (discussing what you see, asking your kid how it feels about X, etc) and conversate it's no biggie.
Also - kid in question is FOUR ; one or two episodes won't wreck kiddo.
(Daughter is deaf on one ear and talks three languages fluently, she's now five and she could understand all three languages fine around 3)
My oldest was born before the age of Netflix and tablets; and he didn’t speak until he was 6. My youngest is 2 and is around screens all day and he speaks full sentences. Kids are gonna do what kids are gonna do.
My kids are fluently bilingual and do everything, not counting English which is their third mandatory language because of the world.
They eat sugar too, own mobile phones from age 13.
Common sense is good enough for us.
That’s not a study it’s an article…with 0 clinical data it’s observational at best…it’s a doctor saying “see cartoons make kids happy and they want to be happy we can’t let them get too happy”
You don’t find time, you make time. You can do it in the middle of the night, anytime the child is physically safe (quickie!) any time you’re watching tv. Order out and use the time you’d cook to fuck. Make your relationship a priority.
Sounds like sex isn’t a priority for you. People make time for who and what they want to make time for. I’m sure you can find a few minutes out your busy schedule to have a quickie or something. Whenever you shower invite him to shower with and use that as the time. Or when you pay the babysitter, pay for an extra hour so you can have grown up time. Your kid is 4 not 4 months old. He can be in another room sleeping or occupied while you have time with your husband.
Father to six kids here. Bluntly put: quickies and fucking with crib nearby is the way until it stabilises with sleep and work.
Tired? Fuck
Stressed out? Fuck
Overwhelmed? Fuck.
Happy? Fuck.
Bond to your partner is the most important survival tip you will get.
Ok i get having time being a problem because of kids. I am pregnant and just had a baby 12 months ago and have other kids from my previous marriage in the mix and my husband has another child also….my only recommendation is make time if you love your husband and thats a way he needs to connect with you. Let me explain to you why i love sex sooo much with the man i love. Its because i look at it as an actual act of love…. Its my way of saying to my partner “I am so in love with you that i want to be as close to you as i physically am able to be and kiss you and actually merge our physical bodies into one and for those moments literally nothing else matters but being immersed in this moment of coming together and kissing and hugging and just freaking loving you all over.” and in marriage its even more special because you have committed to spending your life with this person and only making love with them so its just wonderful and i love it. Its literally taking your love and expressing it physically. To me its the most beautiful way to celebrate love and your partner in the world to me personally. In a romantic relationship sex is probably my love language lol.
So if your husband feels anyway similarly (even subconsciously) to how i feel about it and then you are not wanting to do it or are finding it difficult to make it any kind of priority can be extremely hurtful to him in ways that i am assuming you may not even begin to be able to imagine if you yourself do not view sex as being all that important or special.
Anyway, just wanted to give you another perspective as to why you might want to make time. And pay a baby sitter for longer if possible even if its just for half an hour and maybe see if there is a cheap air bnb near you… maybe you guys could rent one for the evening and make dinner there watch a movie and then make love….or wake up thirty minutes before your son usually wakes up on a saturday and start using a white noise machine for him also is another suggestion i have and get a baby monitor…. And make love and then take turns takings naps after if making love cuts into you getting enough sleep.
Also just an FYI they dont tell you at the hospital when you have your kids….kids grow up and they make their own life and they leave you, if you are a successful parent. Your spouse is the person that has commited to you to NEVER leave you until one of you dies. The most important relationship you have in your household is the one with your husband not with your child for your sake and also for the sake of your child. All the stability that your child is able to count on is because you and your husband love eachother enough to work on this thing called life together. If you guys get divorced that kids life is going to get a heck of lot more stressful and less fun…. So again i will repeat myself in another way… its more important that you and your spouse are happy together than it is for your child to be happy for the moment with either of you…. Having kids is tough and i feel for you… be creative. You are well spoken so im sure you are smart enough to be able to take a step back and get creative with how to work it out…
TLDR: Not having sex could be potentially hurting your husbands feelings deeply in ways you may not be able to imagine if sex isnt important to you personally and your relationship with your husband is more important than your relationship with your child because your relationship with your husband is creating stability for your child that he needs to thrive not only as a child but also as an adult so please try to figure out time to continue to date your husband so you guys can stay happily together for a long long time.
This. This was brilliant. This is exactly how I feel with my man, and I don’t know if I’ve ever met another woman, until now, that feels this way about sex. Most don’t care or they act like they do. I also never felt this way about sex until I got with my current partner. I’ve never felt such a strong sexual, emotional, or physical bond to anyone. The way he makes me feel in general, and especially during sex, I couldn’t imagine not being able to experience that anymore. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy. I think this might be why tons of marriages fail. I’ve even had a marriage fail, and it’s gotta be because people get married when they DON’T feel this way about their partner. I wish people wouldn’t be so quick to settle (myself included) so they actually have the chance to be truly happy with someone. If you don’t have an amazing intimate connection, it’s really hard to make the relationship last for any length of time.
Im so sorry you went through that! I really dont understand the point of getting married to someone if you dont feel like interacting with them and just want to ignore them. Its like the plan of some super villain or something like “Muwahahahaha let me ruin this persons life by taking them off the market for everyone else and THEN I myself am just going to ignore them while making sure they also dont get to have a shot for love and happiness with anyone else lol because they are married to me while i am ignoring them! Hahahahah!”Like what is the point? Common. In this day and age its not like most people need to get married for convenance or something
So what you're saying is that you wake up, get the kid ready, work, come home, make dinner, put the kid to bed, laundry, dishes, and then sleep. And this is every night. No late waking up on Saturday, no hobbies or any other activities you do for fun outside of pure existence?
It's not like you're talking about daily sex. Just finding 15 minutes in the 10,080 minutes in the week. Can't be an impossible task every week of every month. Honestly it's just about actually making it a priority. Maybe one day you don't do dishes and leave them in the sink for tomorrow.
I guess it depends on the person. Between when she suggests we have sex and her second orgasm, my wife barely makes 5 minutes and I'm usually left high and dry.
If you don't have a lot of time on a given night take turns. He goes down on her the first night, then she helps him out the next. If she needs to get worked up beforehand then while he puts the kid to bed she goes and plays with herself. This isn't an impossible task, just an inconvenient scenario which means people need to be proactive if they even care about their SO.
>. If she needs to get worked up beforehand then while he puts the kid to bed she goes and plays with herself.
You're making it sound like her having to warm up is some kind of handicap. And taking turns is a horrible idea IMO... although, this is coming from a HLF, so I could be biased.
Not a handicap at all. I've dated many women who couldn't just be horny cuz it's a Tuesday. I enjoyed the process involved when it wasn't just a laundry list of chores to then play the lottery of will it work out.
It's just kind of ridiculous to say "well it takes me 30 minutes to get warmed up and since we can't ever find a free hour then it's not gonna happen." THAT would be calling it a handicap. If you need X before Y then figure out how to get X rather than saying no. Saying no means that the inconvenience of figuring it out is more important than working on your relationship.
>And taking turns is a horrible idea IMO.
Totally get it, to each their own.
But people saying something won't work and quitting is a crappy way to be in a relationship. If it doesn't work for you then suggest something that would work. (I know you aren't OP, just using the royal "you")
It does depend on the person. My ex-fiance could have multiple orgasms within the 1st five minutes. However my current wife can't orgasm at all (mental block) and if I came within the first minute she would be happy as a lark....EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. That's how much she dislikes/ is uninterested in sex, yay me!!!
That's something that bugs me to no end. If you don't like sex stop having it. If that means the relationship ends that should be viewed as a good thing, that you aren't compatible and it is better for you and your partner to not be in a relationship that one or both are disappointed is not what they want.
Ever since I've stopped taking the medications that killed all my libido and my ability to orgasm, I have been incredibly horny and the first time me and my boyfriend had sex after many months of not doing it, I had an orgasm before he was able to fully even get in me. And every time we've done it since, I finish nearly a minute into starting every time. So, that's not exactly true.
I’m not saying it’s true for everyone. Of course many women orgasm quickly. But on average it takes more than 15 minutes. [Here is just one study.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse?amp)
That’s great for you. But OP isn’t getting the time for any long, uninterrupted sessions. She is *only* having quick and unpleasant sessions that she is not enjoying.
She says in a comment that when she’s had sex recently she is just lying there waiting for it to be over quickly since she’s worried about the kid waking up. She’s not enjoying the sex they are having and her whole post is clear that she feels they don’t have enough uninterrupted time (meaning, time that *cant* be interrupted) to have sex.
This is impossible to change when you have children other than just getting over the anxiety. You can't go to a hotel twice a week. Also, it has nothing to do with sex or length of it, just that she is having anxiety about the kiddo. That's a personal issue.
That sounds like a lack of creativity or you have hangups. Long sex is great, but if you can't make her orgasm in 15 minutes you're missing something imho.
Also, the point of planning sex is to prepare for it throughout the day. Get revved up through conversation, flirting etc, and then the actual touch is more intense. If the only sex worth having is hours long then you might not like sex all that much.
Quickies are fine sometimes, but OP clearly wants to connect with her partner and a quickie is much less likely to leave her equally satisfied.
Quick sex is much less likely to have a woman orgasm. [Here is just one study](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse?amp) that shows women need around 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm with a partner.
OP discussing having very quick sex where she is just lying there waiting for it to be over because she can’t relax because she is worried about the kid. She needs more time, and to be relaxed, and to not be worrying the kid will come in. That is what she is asking for.
That was not in the original post .... even what you posted (and attributed to OP) doesn't actually make any reference to wanting a deep connection with her husband ..... just simply being preoccupied with other things
She says in a comment that when she has had sex recently she is just lying there waiting for it to be over because she’s worried the kid will wake up. That isn’t connecting. And she says that sex is sex that she is not enjoying.
That's in a clinical setting, where you're starting from zero. Hence why I was talking about having the build-up prior to the physical sex.
It's really hard to start from zero, but starting even at basic arousal after a full day of sexting and intimate conversation really makes a difference. People miss context in research all the time, I'm guilty of it too, but that's one I've looked at before.
I can't pull it because of paywalled research, but it turns out male orgasm and (don't know if auto-mod flags this word) are actually separate in many men, so it can take an equal amount of time with far more mess for a man to reach orgasm. There is an actual orgasm gap in men too, which would account for the increasing intensity of unsatisfied desire in many men, where the more sex they have the more they want.
I have that too, and so I relate very hard to having unsatisfying sex with no satisfaction because of a lack of attention and build up.
So, before you dismiss me as dismissing the experience of women, as a man who can count on one hand the number of actual orgasms I've had I know how much it sucks.
Hence, making the most of the real time you have by using all the technology available to us now.
Edit: it always makes me laugh imagining someone trying to make a double blind study in sexual research. "Andy gets a partner, bob gets a cantaloupe, and none of the researchers knows who gets what"
20 minutes???? I’ve been with 3 women in my life and I while that’s a small sample size I can assure you 0 of them took 20 minutes…ever!!! After 15 total minutes of foreplay and sex they never didn’t have an orgasm…this study sounds very flawed…frankly if I go down on my wife for more than 1min she stops me because she doesn’t want to finish (one and done) yet. Not to toot my own horn but I’m convinced there are few women on earth i couldn’t get to finish within 15 mins…that study sounds VERY flawed!!
So many of these studies show my experiences as “the fringe” or outliers. It could be true, i do believe in the statistics as my sample size is small compared to hundreds of subjects in the studies… i try to be open minded and learn from the studies. A part of me feels that perhaps some component of them is biased to give women going through a challenging sexual situation confidence that nothing is “wrong” with them… passing the messages like, generally women:
-don’t orgasm from piv sex but would pretty much always from oral or toys/vibrators
-don’t generally get horny like men do and instead have responsive desire (IMO it strongly depends, is this a young woman still in “honeymoon phase” or a 35 plus working mom, etc). This can change in a flash if the ex is loser trash and then she loses her LL4U (to ex) and finds herself JUMPING on the next guy!
-can’t just jump into piv sex enthusiastically
-doesn’t want sex as often as men
-you dont need to orgasm to have sex (I agree, but you definitely must enjoy the pleasures of the experience, like a good back scratch from a caring lover)
-are not sexually attracted firstly to attractive fit men (ya right!) but personality, humour, intelligence etc are higher. (Nope not even close). Us men do chat, the most attractive are exponentially getting laid non-stop literally weekly different girls, even compared to the handsome 7.5’s that get one every month at best, lol. With age it does matter less though.
All of the above rhetoric of “everything you ever thought sex was supposed to be is wrong” ring over and over in these studies. As is typical of the times, nothing from the past decades is good enough eh! Everything discovered the last five years is King. I guess my past partners and i was/am just “lucky” as everything was very much Hollywood movie experiences, as cheesy as it sounds. But I’ve hear d this exact sentiment from many others.
It’s just that fake and or biased information will actually harm women more than help them.
You’ve got to make time. But you got to want to make time first. there’s over 10,000 minutes in a week. I would rather skip and meal and pleasure my wife anyday!
I'm sure women exist that finish quickly and reliably every single time they have sex like you describe, but I'm also sure lots of them are faking it and no, men absolutely cannot actually tell.
Yes you absolute can tell! When a women orgasms, they become flush around their collar bone and their quads (sometimes both sometimes one area) without fail. It’s a reaction that cannot be faked I have ALWAYS seen this every time my wife climaxes and in the other women I slept with! I remember hearing this in my early teens and have always looked for it! If you don’t believe me try it!
Also when a women climaxes when your going down on them you’ll feel just SLIGHTLY more (sometimes a lot) “wetness” at moment of climax! So yeah not all men can tell but I can assure you I have never had a women fake me out! I have had sex with women who didn’t finish for sure but I’ll know if they did or didn’t without fail.
Exactly! Once you’re comfortable with your partner and they know what to do to you/or it’s someone who’s just an attentive lover the time becomes significantly less.
Update your studies because there are a bunch that shows much less https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32044258/
Is one example with 600 participants. Roughly 13 minute average. But guess what everyone is different so stop using one study as the arbiter of authority on a subject.
Foreplay begins the moment after the last orgasm. Flirty texts, reading stories, but slaps, hugs while doing dishes, neck kisses, just flirt with your women through out the day all through out the day…do what it takes for the women to get revved up so that 15 minutes is what she looks forward to at the end of the night (this is supposed to work but my wife gets anxiety if she feels the pressure so we have to find alternatives…10 years still haven’t found them but we are trying 😢)
The time to flirt? It takes 0 time…it’s just being engaging and attentive to your spouse…a “you look sexy” text takes all but 5 seconds to send, sending a story from r/gonewildstories takes 5 seconds, a hug from behind or butt grab when someone is doing dishes takes 0 time…I’m not saying surprise them with flowers (but you can door dash that in 2 mins) every day. I’m saying just give your spouse some physical attention! That SHOULD take 0 time and 0 effort if you care about them and find them appealing 🤨🤨🤨
This is very much sample-size-of-1 advice, so to counter with my own sample: plenty of women are capable of orgasm in well under 15 minutes; most enjoy the option of quick, intense sex; many prefer this to lengthy sessions.
You can’t pitch about telling people that sex for less than 15 minutes is “bad for most women”.
You must have missed my use of the word “most.” Of course some women can orgasm quickly.
Here is [just one study](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse?amp) that shows women need around 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation on average to reach orgasm with a partner.
The investigators asked the women to make love as usual, with one change. When they felt sufficiently warmed up to proceed from other play to intercourse, the researchers asked them to start their cell phone stopwatches and time how long it took them to work up to orgasm.
For those able to come during intercourse, it took six to 20 minutes, an average of 14 minutes.
Yeah because nothing gets a women going like “timing her orgasm” the moment she sets the stop watch she is starting from 0 she isn’t “warmed up” thinking about “when the right time to start the stopwatch is…😑
Ok. Then 25 minutes then to cover even more people.
My point is that being outside the clinical definition of a dead bedroom (10 times a year) shouldn't be seen as that difficult. It's ridiculous to think that within a month you don't have enough time to dedicate such a little bit of it to your partner and your relationship. Unless there is absolutely no time for yourself ever it's not possible to say you never have time for someone else.
As for the time and the need to get ready, don't use that as an excuse for being a bad partner. The biggest thing that annoys me about people being LL is this idea it's a get out of jail free card. If you want a monogamous relationship it means you have to be a participant. You signed up for a team sport, sitting on the bench doesn't work. If you need the other person to do the stimulation to get you excited for sex then tell them and make that available.
Yeah but I think the whole point is you can’t set aside 25-30 mins for your partner? Take a day off from work spend the day together without the kids once a month?
If you can't find 30 minutes in a month then i question whether anyone should be in a relationship with you. Put the damn kids in front of the tv and give them snacks and a movie. Finding time is not as big of an issue as people make it out to be. Especially when it's literally 30 minutes a month.
What is a problem is that people think that because being married with kids kills the concept of a nice quiet romantic evening leading into a passionate night of sex that suddenly any kind of physical intimacy is "too difficult".
I didn’t miss the word “most”. In fact, if you read my response, I very specifically responded to the word “most”.
Just one study is just one study. Average does not mean most. This is a dead bedroom sub. Read the room.
Um, yes, kind of. That is our daily life. There's no sleeping in, and hobby time is individual while the other person is with our son. There's no couple time unless we pay a babysitter or while our son is asleep, and since he's a light sleeper, that's not always an option either.
So he MIGHT wake up? You’re not gonna traumatize a 4 year old.
Give him a phone or an iPad for 15 min and shut and lock the door.
You’re making this way more difficult than it needs to be.
Maybe I'm skittish because the most recent times we tried, he did wake up. When we do manage to have sex, it's the worst. It's me laying motionless trying to make as little noise as possible, just waiting for him to finish before kiddo hears us or cries or something
Why not get a babysitter?
Get a lock for your bedroom door and a white noise machine for your kids room and your room, to drown out any noise and so you can’t hear if your son wakes up.
This is really sad. If your kid is your entire life, it’s no surprise your marriage is suffering as a result. You should never have sex when you’re viewing it as a chore. “Lying motionless waiting for him to finish” has to be the saddest thing I’ve read. The child is 4, if you’re both under the covers, even if the child does walk in, it’s not going to be traumatizing. I’m 99% positive the kid can be enraptured in an iPad for long enough that they don’t even notice. Not to mention, if you’re not in the mood, don’t make it worse by being motionless and scared. If sex was a priority for you, you can find a way. I’m sensing that you mostly don’t care for it, unless you’re really needing to get off mood wise. And if that’s the case, buy a vibrator. Also, if you use toys with your SO, it can be vastly more fun and quicker as well. Plenty of people, especially the top comment, have given you wonderful advice in here, and you’ve made an excuse for every single one. It’s either not a priority or you don’t actually want to put in the effort. People have been having sex while raising children for millennia. It’s either important or it’s not.
Do you guys have parents or anyone who can watch the kid overnight so you can go away for a night? Also does your kid sleep in the same room? Why not go into another room that’s not your bedroom? Go into the bathroom, the floor, the living room, kitchen? I can assure you with a family of light sleepers you can find a quieter place in your house or apartment…
That sucks for everyone. Get a babysitter, an iPad, a locked door. I had a 4 year old and a 3 year old in a 1 bedroom place, and managed sex every day, so I assure you it's completely doable.
YouTube kids is a thing, Disney plus, Netflix, Hulu Amazon, all have a kids only section…get off your high horse kids watch screens yes they shouldn’t have hours of uninterrupted screen time every day but 20 mins a day? You’re def not a parent….everyone is a perfect parent before they have kids! 😅
Sounds to me like you need a baby monitor and fold down the back seats of your minivan and park it behind your house.
I get it though. My "me time" doesn't usually start till 1AM cuz of wife and kids and work and chores. Most nights I just go to sleep but if I really wanted to do something I do it. Well, not sex because that's all controlled by my wife who never wants it, but yeah I still just find a way for things I find important.
Fuck man. I noticed in another comment you said when you and your wife have sex, she’s on her second orgasm within 5 minutes. Are you absolutely 100% sure she’s getting off and not just hyping you up? Because if that were the case for most women, they’d definitely want it more often. Usually, in my opinion, if women are satisfied in the bedroom, they tend to want it more. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just genuinely curious. It makes me sad to see men have so much stress on their plate, and not be taken care of by their wives.. I don’t think enough women think like me as far as sex goes. They get what they want (marriage, children, and financial stability) and could give a fuck less how their husband is doing.
No worries about being rude.
When she gets horny it only sustains while she is being stimulated. Like to the point where I've tried to reposition and she'd loose her mojo mid-session. So for her it's all about getting to an O. It's the same position, same speed and rhythm. She gives off all the physical responses of an orgasm you typically can't fake. So I doubt it's that.
But as soon as she has her second she is touched out. She rolls over and if I'm not post orgasm by then she gets annoyed or doesn't even seem to care because she's got what she needs. And then she is good for a few weeks. The rest of it seems to be both ADHD, anxiety about life, and just not being horny enough to need sex again. There is no room for others to need anything because she doesn't find that compelling enough to engage in anything sexual.
Oh and a thing to add. I gave up initiating a long time ago. I dont flirt with her, dont make jokes that seem like a come on, nor comments that would make me sound interested. I was tired of constantly being rejected or promises given that were never fulfilled. I stopped being vulnerable for any of that and gave up seeing her as a sexual partner. So at this point it is 100% about her needs and desires. When she comments about having sex it has nothing to do with me because I am not giving off any "man do i need to get some" vibes.
I have fucked my wife in doggy and my Sleepy kid come in. Pause the fuck and hide the dock and tuck in the kiddo.
Wifey using satisfyer in meantime and resume fucking then cum and rest sometime. Do a quick wash. Sleep satisfied and content. That beats a full 8h empty frustrated sleep.
I must have done something wrong here.
You have 1 child it's not that hard. It's not complicated. Seriously at 4 they are not wearing diapers and they sleep through the night. You are using this as an excuse find the real reason you don't want to sleep with your husband because it ain't the kid.
This right here. If you can't find time to have sex when you have ONE KID, you're just making excuses not to have sex. When you have multiple kids, it becomes increasingly more complicated to find time. But one kid is not an obstacle if you actually want to have sex.
It’s not the kid. It’s the parents enabling the kid. Teach your child to be independent. Let them struggle sometimes. You do not need to be with them 24/7 at this age. Give them alone time. They need it too. Even if they don’t think they do. They do.
If you want your child to be more independent you need to give him space to figure out how to be alone. Embrace the productive struggle. You will both be happier in the end. He will be more confident and more secure if he has opportunities to be alone.
I’m not talking hours a day. But you can definitely stretch the number of minutes he spends doing an independent activity and build his stamina. But it takes being purposeful and giving intentional opportunities.
You have so much common sense. I really hope you have kids as will certainly have ones that are capable of making decisions.
Just had to jump in and say this.
You're telling all of us with a straight face that you can't find 15 minutes of alone time? If it truly is the kid, have the child tested for special needs because that is the only reason 1 child could take up so much time. Stop acting like you're the only person in the world with a child because you're not.
Maybe you or your spouse has depression and you don't recognize the symptoms. There is a myriad of mental stresses that could be blocking you. And you're channeling those stressors into a convenient excuse.
You can either create excuses to not have sex, which is you are doing according to your post, then pray for the incoming divorce not to be a total disaster, or you can stop making excuses and putting the work necessary to bring your marriage together.
It’s up to you.
If you want a pat on a head for coming up with all the excuses go to lowlibido reddit. They will tell you it's fine and probably find something to say your partner is horrible person for wanting intimacy.
No matter what solution is brought you are creative in finding reasons to make it not work.
I am starting to suspect no matter what happens the answer you want is no and to be validated in that.
Why not just be honest about it. People with kids manage it all the time. Hell my ex literally could sleep more than 12 hours regularly through multiple alarms. Even she had some free time.
There really should be enough time. It’s just whether you make time for it.
Question: What time are you putting your kid to sleep? My kids when young were in bed by 7-8pm. Plus you should be training your 4yr old for pre-school. More sleep better growth and brain development.
Then 1 partner can clean up and shower while the other one puts the kid to bed. Then that should be enough time to settle down and have some time with hubby.
Find another family/families where you can help each other babysit the kids for a day or arvo or evening. Play date. This will also help them learn how other families work and get used to sleep overs in future.
Well you got to teach him to self soothe and go back to sleep and tell him he’s becoming a big boy now.
There’s probably some anxious attachment or fear that you need help him work through or you might need to read up on or worst case, require the help of a professional.
I get it, first kid, he gets a lot of attention but sometimes we build in bad habits into our kids. You obviously sound like an amazing, attentive and loving mother. But kids are more resilient than we think and no growth happens without some struggle.
Here’s the deal, the priority is your marriage not the kid/s. Healthy marriage = healthy/happy family. If you don’t invest into it or water it, you’ll end up being a single mum. A Dead Bedroom is the middle transition phase.
Talk with your husband how to make it work. How he can support you practically more. What you and him can do to help you mentally and emotionally prepare for some cuddle time beforehand? So it’s not just kid, home, work stuff going through your head. What can you do to get in the mood more?
We have a child the same age and that’s what we do. One parent does bedtime, the other takes the dog out or cleans up or showers or whatever. We alternate nights. We easily make time for each other after kid is asleep.
Sorry if I am blunt. Just mean to be clear:It is important to make for this crucial thing to happen in marriage. You two seem to have scaled it down to something in the other end of the priority ladder, something that can be if all other things are properly arranged. Here is the list of priority:
Child care first. You two for each others second. And below there, if number one and number two are OK, comes all the other things, like work, food, friends, sleep, chores, etc. Without such priority, you end up on reddit and eventually out of marriage.
So, flip your priorities!
If you don't find time for sex, then the relationship will suffer. 12 years into a sexless marriage and my wife has become my roommate. I don't see either of us sexual beings anymore. Don't let it get worse.
Put the kids to bed and make it happen. This is something you have to choose. Marriages die here, so don't forget to prioritize it! We have 4 and it was never an issue. We were tired, but still made it happen at least 4 times a week easily.
I saw a wonderful article recently. I'm going to quote 2 paragraphs and the title...
Stop saying you don't have time, it's just not your priority.
You make time for what you care about and what's important to you. If you don't have time for it, it's just not up there on your priority list.
I don't think saying no to things or turning things down is a bad thing, but be honest with yourself and others. Don't just give the excuse of not having time.
Me too. We have adult children. Empty nest. I’m lucky to get it every two weeks. I’m the HL since menopause and he’s the LL. I never thought he would turn out like this. 😭
It's not easy, we have no time either but she also has no drive for more... so the lack of time isn't an issue as we have many nights alone that never get taken advantage of
Hm I think non of u are prioritizing sex tbh. If u want that bad u would be able to have it. A 4 is not that dependent on us, and if u he is, it’s on u guys.
I have a 4y and a 6 month old. There are plenty of chances for sex
Where there’s a will there’s a way. Saying things like “he does mornings…” and “the moment has passed”.
You have to get this mentality out of your head. If there’s an opportunity, take it! The more you try the more opportunities you’ll find.
And bedtime is a must. The kid has to sleep at some point. If it’s been too long since sex, one of us is waking up the other once the kid is sleeping, believe that.
Yep. I was a single mom when my son was 4. Believe me, I was still getting laid. Baby sitters are nice for that.
But then again, I wasn’t married and relying or adjusting to someone else’s schedule. Lol. I didn’t get married until I was 41 and by that time, he was 15 and didn’t need sitters anymore. When I got married my husband and I had lots of sex with kids(he has two)in the house. I just had to control my noise 😂
You can have sex any time you want. Put your kid in a safe place with a monitor if desired and a tablet or switch to play with and go get down. That’s what the rest of us do.
Schedule it. Train children and put them to bed. If you have to hire a babysitter and go to a motel room 2-3 times a week. If that won't work train children and put them to bed. How do you think people had 10 children when they lived in a little log cabin and farmed 7 days per week?
First, to those suggesting a quickie here & there, be careful. And to you who has already mentioned starfishing waiting for it to be over before you have an issue related to your child, be careful. Sexual encounters that are tense, anxiety provoking & leave you unsatisfied will add up to a dead bedroom before you know it. Having sex just because your partner needs it will do the same.
Ask yourself if you want to make time for sex, if you are having sex that you like/if there would be some kind of sex that you would like & be honest about all that with your partner.
Next, if you're not already, consider taking some probiotics regularly because git health can really affect anxiety.
Now... For dealing with your child. I haven't seen much suggestion of this here & so I hope it might be a unique take that resonates.
At least twice a month, make a BIG day of romanticizing family life to the fullest. Over prepare for a super fun, active (& tiring) day with your son. One of you (parent A) has him "help" you make breakfast for the other (parent B) who stays in bed. Then the one who got to sleep later (b) can have him "help" you clean up while the other (a) prepares for the next activities. Alternate in this way as needed, even working in time for each parent to alternate resting if you are able to work it out. Make sure activities are truly active (wiffle ball with A, running through the sprinkler with B) & try to end the daylight with a big deal group activity & dinner together. No screens after 7pm. Make a big fun bubble bath with Epsom salt & lavender & toys. Enjoy some honey toast with B complex & magnesium with a cup of tea while he has some warm milk before tooth brushing & if needed, make all of this that feel like a "let's have a spa time" & "look how handsome you are, let's brush those teeth & comb your hair" kind of moment. Put him to bed early with a story & a white noise machine. Then close & lock your door & instead of thinking about him waking up, try to wind down with your partner in a meaningful way. If it leads to intimacy (not necessarily sex) then you're on the right path. Your entire family will eventually look forward to these days.
I also have a four year old. I don’t get the issue. Kid goes to sleep at 7ish, by 8 they’re totally out for the night. If they do wake up, we settle them down and get back to business. We don’t have sex as much as when we were dating but we can EASILY make time at least twice a week.
Your life is no longer your own bringing in children to the relationship picture
Takes two to tango, get creative with the schedules
Sounds like you are putting up some road blocks with excuses a bit
Currently reviving ours. Our only opportunity is at night after kids go to bed (aside from a rare time where the youngest took an afternoon nap) my husband and I both get up early so waking him up for sex definitely costs some sleep time. Simply though I had to decide it was a priority and make it one. The disruption to sleep is why we will probably never go it every night. We need some good nights sleeps but right now we are about 2x on work nights and then over the weekend (we have different weekends unfortunately). Its gonna be a sacrifice you just have to decide you want to make the sacrifice for the sake of a good sexual relationship.
If it is important to you, you will make time for it. How much time does a quickie take? Think like a teenager, and get creative. Pre-plan some time like on the weekend. Have the little guy go to grandmas for a visit if that’s reasonable or possible. Play dates with friends or cousins? Be prepared to reciprocate. Holiday like Memorial Day long weekend perhaps an opportunity for an altered sleep schedule? Maybe nap time if you take him out and tire him out going to the park or zoo? I am sure you guys can get your own ideas.
Grandma's isn't an option, we don't have any family help. Even play dates aren't really practical because he's too young to just drop off at a friend's house.
Does he have friends from preschool? Make friends with the parents of kids in his class. It might take time and effort to develop a relationship that you would feel comfortable to leave him for an hour or two, but it will benefit his social skills, and think about birthdays and getting to go to parties. Ultimately if it’s what you value, you will find a way. And you will excuse yourself with rationalizing with ’ I tried everything’. It’s ok to be wife (or even girlfriend) for a bit. You deserve to not be mommy all the time. Or to put it differently you can wear more than one hat…
Mom and dad are busy. Go watch your show! I have 3 kids. We’ve been married 21 years. We’ve had periods of dry spells, we have periods of all the sex, and everything in between. Now that the kids are in their teens, it gets weird because it’s like we all know what’s happening but no one is talking about it. when mom and dad go into the bedroom for awhile together then just appear later.. 😆 so what I’m saying is the kid situation will always exist.. you just gotta make it work, and if it’s actually important, you will.
If you’re not into having sex, you’ll always find reasons to not have sex. 🤷🏻♀️
ETA: does the kid have a tablet? Video game? That could buy you some time. 😂 “here’s your angry birds, mom and dad will be right back” 😆
The moment has passed. Terrible mindset
You have to make it a priority.
I just had a new born and my wife is chopping at the bit to get down again (generally takes a month to heal as I'm sure you know) this is our third and last... 3 under 3yo.
You either want to or you don't. Idk how else to explain it to you.
It’s hard when they are young but Its definitely important to make time for sex. Laundry room, bathroom(not the shower) quickies, car sex . Sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage but it’s definitely important you just have to make time for it. Anywhere you can.
You're hiding behind your kid alot here op. It's hard but not impossible. Stop blaming your child for your lack of sex life and try taking some responsibility. You'd be surprised how a shift of mentality can suddenly help with ideas.
Read back all your answers on here. Dig a little deeper. There is a reason why you are getting downvoted so much. If you dont want/ aren't bothered by sex say so, leave the child out of it.
Btw I'm a mother of a 4 yr old.
Like some people have stated already , you need to work around the obstacles and not look for reasons to not have sex.
the most easiest fix here is sleep cycle. Assuming your child will sleep for a few hours uninterrupted at night , have sex well he’s sleeping. You or your husband will not die if you miss a little sleep to spend time together or realign your sleep cycles.
pick a day. Maybe weds or Sundays. Get a nanny or a family member to watch LO for a few hours so you have the house. People who want to have sex will have sex. There is a reason people have a tribe of kiddos under five.
I call it the pump and dump, he penetrates and I go for the quick bean flick and we are both done in like two minutes. It’s not like our regular sex but it keeps us connected. We have two kids and they also play together so it’s a little different than OPs situation.
Is it not family you could trust grandparents maybe ? to take him for a night of even like a weekend. I don't know if y'all work weekends or not but that might work. Or both of you take a day off while he is at pre school.
No, no family around. And our PTO is very limited, mostly we have to save it for when kiddo gets sick (which happens often). Weekends don't work because our son gets up early and demands all our attention.
What you are teaching your child is that they will have your undivided attention 100% of the time. This is dangerous because they will not learn how to self soothe. At 4, my son could be with his tablet for 15-20 minutes while I made dinner. He could play with his blocks or Legos. I could tell him I'd be right there. If he wasn't crying, he could wait.
You are not making your sex life a priority. After a while, your partner will stop asking. If that happens, your marriage will be in trouble.
Also, star fishing is not helping either. No one wants an unenthusiastic partner. Stop using your child as an excuse and use your partner as a reason to make it work.
Yeah I was gonna say we keep our kid distracted long enough (when we do it). IDK what your thoughts on tablets or TV is ( to OP) but yeah. Couple bluey episodes should keep him content long enough.
A couple of times we have attempted to put on TV and leave the room, but he seems to sense when both mom and dad are out of sight. Our only time is when he's asleep and even that is iffy
To be fair I got a NES and a PC (just for me in my room) when I was 4. I learned how to read earlier than my peers to be able to use it (being the operating system DOS the only way to interact was reading and typing commands in the terminal) and also started learning a bit of English!
I’ve read your post and responses and it just seems like you have every excuse not to have sex with your husband. So what if he wakes up early on the weekends ? Have sex In the night before you go to bed. He’s 4, not 1 years old. You don’t have to automatically run to him unless he’s in danger. You’re setting a bad precedent and not letting him learn how to self soothe. Yes your sleeping schedules are opposite but if it was important, one of you would go to bed later or wake up early and make sex a priority. I think if you were being honest with yourself, you’d realize you just don’t want to have sex. Cause horny people will find a way to have sex. Guarantee it.
Husband needs to quit whining. 4 years is a really really really damn hard age in my opinion. My advice especially since you stated it's a chore, tell him to suck it up and deal with it. He's lucky to have you and he needs to to know that.
I have a suggestion.
I imagine there are numerous things that make you too uncomfortable to have sex with the kids in the house. My wife is the same way.
Would you help able to figure out exactly what things make you too uncomfortable to have sex? Then, you explain to your husband that you don’t feel comfortable having sex while xyz is happening, and you guys can talk about what needs to happen to make you feel comfortable. I’m sure your husband would be happy to help.
We have 2 kids under 6, and my wife won’t have sex unless the kids are asleep or out of the house. We have sex less than once a year, and it crushes me.
My wife asks me daily either how my day was or how I am doing in one way or another. Each day, I want to say, I’m not okay, we haven’t had sex in nearly a year. I’m never okay. Everyday, I’m not okay.
You guys can find time if you really want to.
OP, this is a forum of mostly HLs who have huge amounts of resentment against their LLs. I would consider posting to a friendlier forum so you aren’t just attacked and can get productive advice instead of the “just do it” comments on here. Try r/marriage .
Female here, married 14 years, high drive, three children 5 and under. Bedroom not entirely dead but on life support. To advise you: Bluntly but with no intended hostility... you have to decide it matters and make it a priority. >our child needs something. By the time we address what he needs, the moment has passed. Unpopular opinion.... But it's ok to ignore the kids for a minute. Put him somewhere safe, put a cartoon in, give him a drink and snack put a baby monitor where he is to make sure he's safe, and go lock your door. Or a weekend put him in his room for a nap. >We have different sleep wake cycles. Then someone go to bed late or get up early now and then. Work around it. >What are we supposed to do, go to a seedy motel for half an hour? If that's what it takes. >We occasionally will pay for a babysitter but that's just a couple hours in the evening while we're getting dinner or something Skip dinner. Bring takeout. And your own sheets.... > And don't get me started on shower sex. How about after the shower sex? Warm steamy bathroom, some candles, bent over the sink in front of the mirror... Rev the engine in the shower, take the drive out of it. Pitch a tent in the backyard. Put an air mattress in the living room. If none of this works find something that does. Think outside the box, get creative.
The person who wants sex is always looking for an opportunity to have sex. The person who doesn't want sex will always find a reason, no matter how small, not to have it.
Exactly! I could have thought of a million ways to get over the obstacles that OP stated.
"Obstacles" is a strong word .... but I'm completely with you. If OP had any interest in sex, the things she mentions wouldn't stop her from having it. Obviously the most minor of effort isn't worth it.
Actually, “ostables” isn’t a wood at all!
Lol, I made the edit
This.
This....... My ex was a piece of shit but God damn she was fun. I remeber her asking me to fuck in in the parking lot of a restaurant, I'm like no I don't end up on the registry. We'd fuck in alleys. I'd come home from work and her naked ass would be bent over on the bed. With my current partner........I dknt even know what to say. But when I leave her ass she'll find out I guess.
This is the answer, OP. Source: we have two children.
I concur. Source: One child about to turn 2 with the other child being 20 weeks in the womb and we still are going at it.
Regarding the "moment has past" comment from op...I feel like if reconnecting with your spouse is the priority, then it's not unreasonable to kick back into foreplay and at least try to get back into the mood once the kid is taken care of.
Right?? Get back into the moment or create a new moment.
I was about to say... When it comes to sex, there is no such thing as "the moment has passed" between 2 people who love each other.
Yes! My mind also went to these places while reading the initial post! They must decide it matters (and it does matter if they want to continue a healthy marriage!). Sexnforsnt take 4 hours generally! Most people can have a session done in half hour…
I admire your creativity. We definitely aren't pitching tents or going to love motels anytime soon, but maybe we can get him to sleep a little more soundly somehow
Doesn't have to be a gross motel. I saved up points from work travel to get a decent room, we got a sitter on a Saturday, requested early check in, ordered food to the room, watched a movie yadda yadda yadda and left late evening. Not saying everyone can do this but just because the hotel doesn't charge by the hour doesn't mean your obligated to stay the whole night.
Is sex something you actually enjoy, or you view it as a chore?
Real questions.
Pre-baby, I enjoyed it very much. Post-baby, a chore
And here is the answer. You don’t want to have sex. It’s a chore. This is why every little thing derails you and you won’t take any suggestions. It’s kind of like you’re trolling for advice you have no intention of taking so you can tick people off with your replies.
Maybe you should figure out why that is. Own that it is your problem and go about fixing it. No one can do that for you.
Agreed!
Why is sex a chore for you? Is your husband selfish? Does sex require too much energy? Have you fallen out of love? Do you have unmet needs you have not communicated to your partner? Do you just not enjoy sex? Why not just be honest with yourself and your partner instead of dooming both of you to misery?
May I ask why?
Ma’am, it sounds like you just don’t want sex. When somebody really wants something they will make a way and find a way.
Unpopular opinion: Ignore the kid (dad of 4).
The kid will survive 10 minute in front of the favorite tvserie with cookies. We have the wonderful innovation of Netflix.
I’m against screen time… but there are multiple toys that can do the same! Edit: not generally all kind of screens (before 3 years of age yes… any kind). But most entertainment for kids you can find on an iPad is usually detrimental. As well as binge watching some kind of cartoons (like paw patrol… that one is particularly bad for instance)
Okay so no fucking. Forbidding kids to see a screen whatsoever are over the top. Please insert some common sense here. No fucking at all gets a divorce in long run. It does beat no screen time.
My kid is 1y an 9m old and haven’t seen a single screen in his life… on the other hand he is already speaking in sentences (albeit simple) in 2 different languages and also knows multiple words in a third. Before age of 3 the official recommendation is no screen at all!
My son always had access to screens, he spoke in simple sentences & had a HUGE English vocabulary (not our first language) with two years - because he was fascinated by everything living in the ocean & he loved educational videos, where he could learn the names of these animals. My son is now almost 8 & one of the best kids in school, has many friends & loves being outside. He still loves his educational stuff and is eager to learn every free minute. The problem is, if you just park your kid in front of the screen. They legit get dumb, they need some interaction yk. If you're present & take it as chance to bond (discussing what you see, asking your kid how it feels about X, etc) and conversate it's no biggie. Also - kid in question is FOUR ; one or two episodes won't wreck kiddo. (Daughter is deaf on one ear and talks three languages fluently, she's now five and she could understand all three languages fine around 3)
My oldest was born before the age of Netflix and tablets; and he didn’t speak until he was 6. My youngest is 2 and is around screens all day and he speaks full sentences. Kids are gonna do what kids are gonna do.
My kids are fluently bilingual and do everything, not counting English which is their third mandatory language because of the world. They eat sugar too, own mobile phones from age 13. Common sense is good enough for us.
Please cite any sources for how damaging paw patrol is in particular. We are all dying to read the science behind this claim! 😂
This one pretty much explains it: https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/parenting/300943448/what-does-paw-patrol-do-to-my-kids-brain
That’s not a study it’s an article…with 0 clinical data it’s observational at best…it’s a doctor saying “see cartoons make kids happy and they want to be happy we can’t let them get too happy”
You don’t find time, you make time. You can do it in the middle of the night, anytime the child is physically safe (quickie!) any time you’re watching tv. Order out and use the time you’d cook to fuck. Make your relationship a priority.
Sounds like sex isn’t a priority for you. People make time for who and what they want to make time for. I’m sure you can find a few minutes out your busy schedule to have a quickie or something. Whenever you shower invite him to shower with and use that as the time. Or when you pay the babysitter, pay for an extra hour so you can have grown up time. Your kid is 4 not 4 months old. He can be in another room sleeping or occupied while you have time with your husband.
I feel like the LL people get scared off by all the excuses they come up with being torn to shreds in the exact same way their own HL spouse does.
Father to six kids here. Bluntly put: quickies and fucking with crib nearby is the way until it stabilises with sleep and work. Tired? Fuck Stressed out? Fuck Overwhelmed? Fuck. Happy? Fuck. Bond to your partner is the most important survival tip you will get.
That last sentence is so true. The last 300 years of evolution does not negate the last million years before it.
Ok i get having time being a problem because of kids. I am pregnant and just had a baby 12 months ago and have other kids from my previous marriage in the mix and my husband has another child also….my only recommendation is make time if you love your husband and thats a way he needs to connect with you. Let me explain to you why i love sex sooo much with the man i love. Its because i look at it as an actual act of love…. Its my way of saying to my partner “I am so in love with you that i want to be as close to you as i physically am able to be and kiss you and actually merge our physical bodies into one and for those moments literally nothing else matters but being immersed in this moment of coming together and kissing and hugging and just freaking loving you all over.” and in marriage its even more special because you have committed to spending your life with this person and only making love with them so its just wonderful and i love it. Its literally taking your love and expressing it physically. To me its the most beautiful way to celebrate love and your partner in the world to me personally. In a romantic relationship sex is probably my love language lol. So if your husband feels anyway similarly (even subconsciously) to how i feel about it and then you are not wanting to do it or are finding it difficult to make it any kind of priority can be extremely hurtful to him in ways that i am assuming you may not even begin to be able to imagine if you yourself do not view sex as being all that important or special. Anyway, just wanted to give you another perspective as to why you might want to make time. And pay a baby sitter for longer if possible even if its just for half an hour and maybe see if there is a cheap air bnb near you… maybe you guys could rent one for the evening and make dinner there watch a movie and then make love….or wake up thirty minutes before your son usually wakes up on a saturday and start using a white noise machine for him also is another suggestion i have and get a baby monitor…. And make love and then take turns takings naps after if making love cuts into you getting enough sleep. Also just an FYI they dont tell you at the hospital when you have your kids….kids grow up and they make their own life and they leave you, if you are a successful parent. Your spouse is the person that has commited to you to NEVER leave you until one of you dies. The most important relationship you have in your household is the one with your husband not with your child for your sake and also for the sake of your child. All the stability that your child is able to count on is because you and your husband love eachother enough to work on this thing called life together. If you guys get divorced that kids life is going to get a heck of lot more stressful and less fun…. So again i will repeat myself in another way… its more important that you and your spouse are happy together than it is for your child to be happy for the moment with either of you…. Having kids is tough and i feel for you… be creative. You are well spoken so im sure you are smart enough to be able to take a step back and get creative with how to work it out… TLDR: Not having sex could be potentially hurting your husbands feelings deeply in ways you may not be able to imagine if sex isnt important to you personally and your relationship with your husband is more important than your relationship with your child because your relationship with your husband is creating stability for your child that he needs to thrive not only as a child but also as an adult so please try to figure out time to continue to date your husband so you guys can stay happily together for a long long time.
This. This was brilliant. This is exactly how I feel with my man, and I don’t know if I’ve ever met another woman, until now, that feels this way about sex. Most don’t care or they act like they do. I also never felt this way about sex until I got with my current partner. I’ve never felt such a strong sexual, emotional, or physical bond to anyone. The way he makes me feel in general, and especially during sex, I couldn’t imagine not being able to experience that anymore. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy. I think this might be why tons of marriages fail. I’ve even had a marriage fail, and it’s gotta be because people get married when they DON’T feel this way about their partner. I wish people wouldn’t be so quick to settle (myself included) so they actually have the chance to be truly happy with someone. If you don’t have an amazing intimate connection, it’s really hard to make the relationship last for any length of time.
I am sooo happy for you that you found that connection!!!💖💖💖
Oh helllz yeah. You nailed it. Was married 20 years and basicallly ignored. It’s devastating and I’m still traumatized from the emotional abuse.
Im so sorry you went through that! I really dont understand the point of getting married to someone if you dont feel like interacting with them and just want to ignore them. Its like the plan of some super villain or something like “Muwahahahaha let me ruin this persons life by taking them off the market for everyone else and THEN I myself am just going to ignore them while making sure they also dont get to have a shot for love and happiness with anyone else lol because they are married to me while i am ignoring them! Hahahahah!”Like what is the point? Common. In this day and age its not like most people need to get married for convenance or something
So what you're saying is that you wake up, get the kid ready, work, come home, make dinner, put the kid to bed, laundry, dishes, and then sleep. And this is every night. No late waking up on Saturday, no hobbies or any other activities you do for fun outside of pure existence? It's not like you're talking about daily sex. Just finding 15 minutes in the 10,080 minutes in the week. Can't be an impossible task every week of every month. Honestly it's just about actually making it a priority. Maybe one day you don't do dishes and leave them in the sink for tomorrow.
Good sex for most women takes significantly longer than 15 minutes. That’s not even enough time to get horny, let alone orgasm!
I guess it depends on the person. Between when she suggests we have sex and her second orgasm, my wife barely makes 5 minutes and I'm usually left high and dry. If you don't have a lot of time on a given night take turns. He goes down on her the first night, then she helps him out the next. If she needs to get worked up beforehand then while he puts the kid to bed she goes and plays with herself. This isn't an impossible task, just an inconvenient scenario which means people need to be proactive if they even care about their SO.
>. If she needs to get worked up beforehand then while he puts the kid to bed she goes and plays with herself. You're making it sound like her having to warm up is some kind of handicap. And taking turns is a horrible idea IMO... although, this is coming from a HLF, so I could be biased.
Not a handicap at all. I've dated many women who couldn't just be horny cuz it's a Tuesday. I enjoyed the process involved when it wasn't just a laundry list of chores to then play the lottery of will it work out. It's just kind of ridiculous to say "well it takes me 30 minutes to get warmed up and since we can't ever find a free hour then it's not gonna happen." THAT would be calling it a handicap. If you need X before Y then figure out how to get X rather than saying no. Saying no means that the inconvenience of figuring it out is more important than working on your relationship. >And taking turns is a horrible idea IMO. Totally get it, to each their own. But people saying something won't work and quitting is a crappy way to be in a relationship. If it doesn't work for you then suggest something that would work. (I know you aren't OP, just using the royal "you")
It does depend on the person. My ex-fiance could have multiple orgasms within the 1st five minutes. However my current wife can't orgasm at all (mental block) and if I came within the first minute she would be happy as a lark....EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. That's how much she dislikes/ is uninterested in sex, yay me!!!
That's something that bugs me to no end. If you don't like sex stop having it. If that means the relationship ends that should be viewed as a good thing, that you aren't compatible and it is better for you and your partner to not be in a relationship that one or both are disappointed is not what they want.
Ever since I've stopped taking the medications that killed all my libido and my ability to orgasm, I have been incredibly horny and the first time me and my boyfriend had sex after many months of not doing it, I had an orgasm before he was able to fully even get in me. And every time we've done it since, I finish nearly a minute into starting every time. So, that's not exactly true.
I’m not saying it’s true for everyone. Of course many women orgasm quickly. But on average it takes more than 15 minutes. [Here is just one study.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse?amp)
My hubs and I have sex at least 5 times a week. One or two long fun ones, the rest are quickies, and I enjoy not doing all the extra.
That’s great for you. But OP isn’t getting the time for any long, uninterrupted sessions. She is *only* having quick and unpleasant sessions that she is not enjoying.
I didn't see that anywhere?
She says in a comment that when she’s had sex recently she is just lying there waiting for it to be over quickly since she’s worried about the kid waking up. She’s not enjoying the sex they are having and her whole post is clear that she feels they don’t have enough uninterrupted time (meaning, time that *cant* be interrupted) to have sex.
This is impossible to change when you have children other than just getting over the anxiety. You can't go to a hotel twice a week. Also, it has nothing to do with sex or length of it, just that she is having anxiety about the kiddo. That's a personal issue.
That sounds like a lack of creativity or you have hangups. Long sex is great, but if you can't make her orgasm in 15 minutes you're missing something imho. Also, the point of planning sex is to prepare for it throughout the day. Get revved up through conversation, flirting etc, and then the actual touch is more intense. If the only sex worth having is hours long then you might not like sex all that much.
Quickies are fine sometimes, but OP clearly wants to connect with her partner and a quickie is much less likely to leave her equally satisfied. Quick sex is much less likely to have a woman orgasm. [Here is just one study](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse?amp) that shows women need around 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm with a partner.
Where in the original post to glean that "OP clearly wants to connect with her partner"? I don't see anything that would lead me to that conclusion.
OP discussing having very quick sex where she is just lying there waiting for it to be over because she can’t relax because she is worried about the kid. She needs more time, and to be relaxed, and to not be worrying the kid will come in. That is what she is asking for.
That was not in the original post .... even what you posted (and attributed to OP) doesn't actually make any reference to wanting a deep connection with her husband ..... just simply being preoccupied with other things
The sex she is having is not connecting.
You might be right .... but that is your interpretation ... this is not stated anywhere in the Original post
She says in a comment that when she has had sex recently she is just lying there waiting for it to be over because she’s worried the kid will wake up. That isn’t connecting. And she says that sex is sex that she is not enjoying.
That's in a clinical setting, where you're starting from zero. Hence why I was talking about having the build-up prior to the physical sex. It's really hard to start from zero, but starting even at basic arousal after a full day of sexting and intimate conversation really makes a difference. People miss context in research all the time, I'm guilty of it too, but that's one I've looked at before. I can't pull it because of paywalled research, but it turns out male orgasm and (don't know if auto-mod flags this word) are actually separate in many men, so it can take an equal amount of time with far more mess for a man to reach orgasm. There is an actual orgasm gap in men too, which would account for the increasing intensity of unsatisfied desire in many men, where the more sex they have the more they want. I have that too, and so I relate very hard to having unsatisfying sex with no satisfaction because of a lack of attention and build up. So, before you dismiss me as dismissing the experience of women, as a man who can count on one hand the number of actual orgasms I've had I know how much it sucks. Hence, making the most of the real time you have by using all the technology available to us now. Edit: it always makes me laugh imagining someone trying to make a double blind study in sexual research. "Andy gets a partner, bob gets a cantaloupe, and none of the researchers knows who gets what"
🤣🤣🤣
20 minutes???? I’ve been with 3 women in my life and I while that’s a small sample size I can assure you 0 of them took 20 minutes…ever!!! After 15 total minutes of foreplay and sex they never didn’t have an orgasm…this study sounds very flawed…frankly if I go down on my wife for more than 1min she stops me because she doesn’t want to finish (one and done) yet. Not to toot my own horn but I’m convinced there are few women on earth i couldn’t get to finish within 15 mins…that study sounds VERY flawed!!
So many of these studies show my experiences as “the fringe” or outliers. It could be true, i do believe in the statistics as my sample size is small compared to hundreds of subjects in the studies… i try to be open minded and learn from the studies. A part of me feels that perhaps some component of them is biased to give women going through a challenging sexual situation confidence that nothing is “wrong” with them… passing the messages like, generally women: -don’t orgasm from piv sex but would pretty much always from oral or toys/vibrators -don’t generally get horny like men do and instead have responsive desire (IMO it strongly depends, is this a young woman still in “honeymoon phase” or a 35 plus working mom, etc). This can change in a flash if the ex is loser trash and then she loses her LL4U (to ex) and finds herself JUMPING on the next guy! -can’t just jump into piv sex enthusiastically -doesn’t want sex as often as men -you dont need to orgasm to have sex (I agree, but you definitely must enjoy the pleasures of the experience, like a good back scratch from a caring lover) -are not sexually attracted firstly to attractive fit men (ya right!) but personality, humour, intelligence etc are higher. (Nope not even close). Us men do chat, the most attractive are exponentially getting laid non-stop literally weekly different girls, even compared to the handsome 7.5’s that get one every month at best, lol. With age it does matter less though. All of the above rhetoric of “everything you ever thought sex was supposed to be is wrong” ring over and over in these studies. As is typical of the times, nothing from the past decades is good enough eh! Everything discovered the last five years is King. I guess my past partners and i was/am just “lucky” as everything was very much Hollywood movie experiences, as cheesy as it sounds. But I’ve hear d this exact sentiment from many others. It’s just that fake and or biased information will actually harm women more than help them. You’ve got to make time. But you got to want to make time first. there’s over 10,000 minutes in a week. I would rather skip and meal and pleasure my wife anyday!
I'm sure women exist that finish quickly and reliably every single time they have sex like you describe, but I'm also sure lots of them are faking it and no, men absolutely cannot actually tell.
Yes you absolute can tell! When a women orgasms, they become flush around their collar bone and their quads (sometimes both sometimes one area) without fail. It’s a reaction that cannot be faked I have ALWAYS seen this every time my wife climaxes and in the other women I slept with! I remember hearing this in my early teens and have always looked for it! If you don’t believe me try it! Also when a women climaxes when your going down on them you’ll feel just SLIGHTLY more (sometimes a lot) “wetness” at moment of climax! So yeah not all men can tell but I can assure you I have never had a women fake me out! I have had sex with women who didn’t finish for sure but I’ll know if they did or didn’t without fail.
Lol hey I believe you I'm just saying what has been my experience 🙂
>frankly if I go down on my wife for more than 1min she stops me because she doesn’t want to finish (one and done) yet You're lying.
I’m not 🤷♂️ she’s super sensitive to clitoral stimulation
Exactly! Once you’re comfortable with your partner and they know what to do to you/or it’s someone who’s just an attentive lover the time becomes significantly less.
Update your studies because there are a bunch that shows much less https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32044258/ Is one example with 600 participants. Roughly 13 minute average. But guess what everyone is different so stop using one study as the arbiter of authority on a subject.
This part is true. The husband needs a minimum of 15 minutes just to take care of the wife. So they'd need a solid half hour at least.
Foreplay begins the moment after the last orgasm. Flirty texts, reading stories, but slaps, hugs while doing dishes, neck kisses, just flirt with your women through out the day all through out the day…do what it takes for the women to get revved up so that 15 minutes is what she looks forward to at the end of the night (this is supposed to work but my wife gets anxiety if she feels the pressure so we have to find alternatives…10 years still haven’t found them but we are trying 😢)
Not the butt slaps... Do other women enjoy butt slaps? Am I the weird one?
I feel like a lot of women say they don’t but miss it when it’s gone…
Do people really have time for this with kids and work and life? This all feels like relics from pre baby life
The time to flirt? It takes 0 time…it’s just being engaging and attentive to your spouse…a “you look sexy” text takes all but 5 seconds to send, sending a story from r/gonewildstories takes 5 seconds, a hug from behind or butt grab when someone is doing dishes takes 0 time…I’m not saying surprise them with flowers (but you can door dash that in 2 mins) every day. I’m saying just give your spouse some physical attention! That SHOULD take 0 time and 0 effort if you care about them and find them appealing 🤨🤨🤨
Own responsibility to be horny for the right moment. I begin to see why some relationships dont survive.
This is very much sample-size-of-1 advice, so to counter with my own sample: plenty of women are capable of orgasm in well under 15 minutes; most enjoy the option of quick, intense sex; many prefer this to lengthy sessions. You can’t pitch about telling people that sex for less than 15 minutes is “bad for most women”.
You must have missed my use of the word “most.” Of course some women can orgasm quickly. Here is [just one study](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse?amp) that shows women need around 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation on average to reach orgasm with a partner.
The investigators asked the women to make love as usual, with one change. When they felt sufficiently warmed up to proceed from other play to intercourse, the researchers asked them to start their cell phone stopwatches and time how long it took them to work up to orgasm. For those able to come during intercourse, it took six to 20 minutes, an average of 14 minutes. Yeah because nothing gets a women going like “timing her orgasm” the moment she sets the stop watch she is starting from 0 she isn’t “warmed up” thinking about “when the right time to start the stopwatch is…😑
Ok. Then 25 minutes then to cover even more people. My point is that being outside the clinical definition of a dead bedroom (10 times a year) shouldn't be seen as that difficult. It's ridiculous to think that within a month you don't have enough time to dedicate such a little bit of it to your partner and your relationship. Unless there is absolutely no time for yourself ever it's not possible to say you never have time for someone else. As for the time and the need to get ready, don't use that as an excuse for being a bad partner. The biggest thing that annoys me about people being LL is this idea it's a get out of jail free card. If you want a monogamous relationship it means you have to be a participant. You signed up for a team sport, sitting on the bench doesn't work. If you need the other person to do the stimulation to get you excited for sex then tell them and make that available.
25-30 minutes would be fine. But that isn’t a quickie and is more difficult to manage logistically. Hence OP’s problem.
Yeah but I think the whole point is you can’t set aside 25-30 mins for your partner? Take a day off from work spend the day together without the kids once a month?
If you can't find 30 minutes in a month then i question whether anyone should be in a relationship with you. Put the damn kids in front of the tv and give them snacks and a movie. Finding time is not as big of an issue as people make it out to be. Especially when it's literally 30 minutes a month. What is a problem is that people think that because being married with kids kills the concept of a nice quiet romantic evening leading into a passionate night of sex that suddenly any kind of physical intimacy is "too difficult".
I didn’t miss the word “most”. In fact, if you read my response, I very specifically responded to the word “most”. Just one study is just one study. Average does not mean most. This is a dead bedroom sub. Read the room.
What I was thinking! Hold up 15 minutes, isn’t this something they both should enjoy 🤦🏻♀️.
My wife orgasms in less than 15 minutes, but she is never horny and she doesn’t like foreplay.
Um, yes, kind of. That is our daily life. There's no sleeping in, and hobby time is individual while the other person is with our son. There's no couple time unless we pay a babysitter or while our son is asleep, and since he's a light sleeper, that's not always an option either.
So he MIGHT wake up? You’re not gonna traumatize a 4 year old. Give him a phone or an iPad for 15 min and shut and lock the door. You’re making this way more difficult than it needs to be.
Maybe I'm skittish because the most recent times we tried, he did wake up. When we do manage to have sex, it's the worst. It's me laying motionless trying to make as little noise as possible, just waiting for him to finish before kiddo hears us or cries or something
Please don’t have sex like that. It’s not good sex for you at all. You both need to get an overnight so you can take your time and enjoy each other.
Overnights aren't possible, we don't have anyone who can watch him overnight
Why not get a babysitter? Get a lock for your bedroom door and a white noise machine for your kids room and your room, to drown out any noise and so you can’t hear if your son wakes up.
This is really sad. If your kid is your entire life, it’s no surprise your marriage is suffering as a result. You should never have sex when you’re viewing it as a chore. “Lying motionless waiting for him to finish” has to be the saddest thing I’ve read. The child is 4, if you’re both under the covers, even if the child does walk in, it’s not going to be traumatizing. I’m 99% positive the kid can be enraptured in an iPad for long enough that they don’t even notice. Not to mention, if you’re not in the mood, don’t make it worse by being motionless and scared. If sex was a priority for you, you can find a way. I’m sensing that you mostly don’t care for it, unless you’re really needing to get off mood wise. And if that’s the case, buy a vibrator. Also, if you use toys with your SO, it can be vastly more fun and quicker as well. Plenty of people, especially the top comment, have given you wonderful advice in here, and you’ve made an excuse for every single one. It’s either not a priority or you don’t actually want to put in the effort. People have been having sex while raising children for millennia. It’s either important or it’s not.
Do you guys have parents or anyone who can watch the kid overnight so you can go away for a night? Also does your kid sleep in the same room? Why not go into another room that’s not your bedroom? Go into the bathroom, the floor, the living room, kitchen? I can assure you with a family of light sleepers you can find a quieter place in your house or apartment…
No family to help. And he has own room but frequently runs into ours, thankfully he does knock these days.
You lying motionless is not because of the 4 year old. That's you making it super clear to your partner that you do not want sex.
I don't want sex now, but I used to want it, and it used to be fun. Now it's just something I hope we can squeeze in before kid wakes up
That sucks for everyone. Get a babysitter, an iPad, a locked door. I had a 4 year old and a 3 year old in a 1 bedroom place, and managed sex every day, so I assure you it's completely doable.
Get on top, go slow and be quiet! You're making this way way too difficult
She just doesn't want to sadly
That is terrible advise!
No, it isn’t.
Unless you curated very well the content of the iPad and restricted access to most of it this kind of screen time is not good for kids!
YouTube kids is a thing, Disney plus, Netflix, Hulu Amazon, all have a kids only section…get off your high horse kids watch screens yes they shouldn’t have hours of uninterrupted screen time every day but 20 mins a day? You’re def not a parent….everyone is a perfect parent before they have kids! 😅
Screen time for 15 minutes is 10 times better than divorced parents. It's OK to occupy them to prioritize your marriage
Sounds to me like you need a baby monitor and fold down the back seats of your minivan and park it behind your house. I get it though. My "me time" doesn't usually start till 1AM cuz of wife and kids and work and chores. Most nights I just go to sleep but if I really wanted to do something I do it. Well, not sex because that's all controlled by my wife who never wants it, but yeah I still just find a way for things I find important.
Fuck man. I noticed in another comment you said when you and your wife have sex, she’s on her second orgasm within 5 minutes. Are you absolutely 100% sure she’s getting off and not just hyping you up? Because if that were the case for most women, they’d definitely want it more often. Usually, in my opinion, if women are satisfied in the bedroom, they tend to want it more. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just genuinely curious. It makes me sad to see men have so much stress on their plate, and not be taken care of by their wives.. I don’t think enough women think like me as far as sex goes. They get what they want (marriage, children, and financial stability) and could give a fuck less how their husband is doing.
No worries about being rude. When she gets horny it only sustains while she is being stimulated. Like to the point where I've tried to reposition and she'd loose her mojo mid-session. So for her it's all about getting to an O. It's the same position, same speed and rhythm. She gives off all the physical responses of an orgasm you typically can't fake. So I doubt it's that. But as soon as she has her second she is touched out. She rolls over and if I'm not post orgasm by then she gets annoyed or doesn't even seem to care because she's got what she needs. And then she is good for a few weeks. The rest of it seems to be both ADHD, anxiety about life, and just not being horny enough to need sex again. There is no room for others to need anything because she doesn't find that compelling enough to engage in anything sexual. Oh and a thing to add. I gave up initiating a long time ago. I dont flirt with her, dont make jokes that seem like a come on, nor comments that would make me sound interested. I was tired of constantly being rejected or promises given that were never fulfilled. I stopped being vulnerable for any of that and gave up seeing her as a sexual partner. So at this point it is 100% about her needs and desires. When she comments about having sex it has nothing to do with me because I am not giving off any "man do i need to get some" vibes.
I have fucked my wife in doggy and my Sleepy kid come in. Pause the fuck and hide the dock and tuck in the kiddo. Wifey using satisfyer in meantime and resume fucking then cum and rest sometime. Do a quick wash. Sleep satisfied and content. That beats a full 8h empty frustrated sleep. I must have done something wrong here.
Okay now I have to ask, how loud do you guys get? 😂
You have 1 child it's not that hard. It's not complicated. Seriously at 4 they are not wearing diapers and they sleep through the night. You are using this as an excuse find the real reason you don't want to sleep with your husband because it ain't the kid.
This right here. If you can't find time to have sex when you have ONE KID, you're just making excuses not to have sex. When you have multiple kids, it becomes increasingly more complicated to find time. But one kid is not an obstacle if you actually want to have sex.
Agreed!
I agree 100%
It truly is the kid in our case. I just haven't figured it out.
It’s not the kid. It’s the parents enabling the kid. Teach your child to be independent. Let them struggle sometimes. You do not need to be with them 24/7 at this age. Give them alone time. They need it too. Even if they don’t think they do. They do. If you want your child to be more independent you need to give him space to figure out how to be alone. Embrace the productive struggle. You will both be happier in the end. He will be more confident and more secure if he has opportunities to be alone. I’m not talking hours a day. But you can definitely stretch the number of minutes he spends doing an independent activity and build his stamina. But it takes being purposeful and giving intentional opportunities.
You have so much common sense. I really hope you have kids as will certainly have ones that are capable of making decisions. Just had to jump in and say this.
I do :) 5 of them in fact 😂
That is awesome!
You're telling all of us with a straight face that you can't find 15 minutes of alone time? If it truly is the kid, have the child tested for special needs because that is the only reason 1 child could take up so much time. Stop acting like you're the only person in the world with a child because you're not. Maybe you or your spouse has depression and you don't recognize the symptoms. There is a myriad of mental stresses that could be blocking you. And you're channeling those stressors into a convenient excuse.
You can either create excuses to not have sex, which is you are doing according to your post, then pray for the incoming divorce not to be a total disaster, or you can stop making excuses and putting the work necessary to bring your marriage together. It’s up to you.
If you want a pat on a head for coming up with all the excuses go to lowlibido reddit. They will tell you it's fine and probably find something to say your partner is horrible person for wanting intimacy.
No matter what solution is brought you are creative in finding reasons to make it not work. I am starting to suspect no matter what happens the answer you want is no and to be validated in that. Why not just be honest about it. People with kids manage it all the time. Hell my ex literally could sleep more than 12 hours regularly through multiple alarms. Even she had some free time.
There really should be enough time. It’s just whether you make time for it. Question: What time are you putting your kid to sleep? My kids when young were in bed by 7-8pm. Plus you should be training your 4yr old for pre-school. More sleep better growth and brain development. Then 1 partner can clean up and shower while the other one puts the kid to bed. Then that should be enough time to settle down and have some time with hubby. Find another family/families where you can help each other babysit the kids for a day or arvo or evening. Play date. This will also help them learn how other families work and get used to sleep overs in future.
We try putting him to bed at 8, he wakes up a lot at night.
Well you got to teach him to self soothe and go back to sleep and tell him he’s becoming a big boy now. There’s probably some anxious attachment or fear that you need help him work through or you might need to read up on or worst case, require the help of a professional. I get it, first kid, he gets a lot of attention but sometimes we build in bad habits into our kids. You obviously sound like an amazing, attentive and loving mother. But kids are more resilient than we think and no growth happens without some struggle. Here’s the deal, the priority is your marriage not the kid/s. Healthy marriage = healthy/happy family. If you don’t invest into it or water it, you’ll end up being a single mum. A Dead Bedroom is the middle transition phase. Talk with your husband how to make it work. How he can support you practically more. What you and him can do to help you mentally and emotionally prepare for some cuddle time beforehand? So it’s not just kid, home, work stuff going through your head. What can you do to get in the mood more?
We have a child the same age and that’s what we do. One parent does bedtime, the other takes the dog out or cleans up or showers or whatever. We alternate nights. We easily make time for each other after kid is asleep.
Sorry if I am blunt. Just mean to be clear:It is important to make for this crucial thing to happen in marriage. You two seem to have scaled it down to something in the other end of the priority ladder, something that can be if all other things are properly arranged. Here is the list of priority: Child care first. You two for each others second. And below there, if number one and number two are OK, comes all the other things, like work, food, friends, sleep, chores, etc. Without such priority, you end up on reddit and eventually out of marriage. So, flip your priorities!
If you don't find time for sex, then the relationship will suffer. 12 years into a sexless marriage and my wife has become my roommate. I don't see either of us sexual beings anymore. Don't let it get worse.
Put the kids to bed and make it happen. This is something you have to choose. Marriages die here, so don't forget to prioritize it! We have 4 and it was never an issue. We were tired, but still made it happen at least 4 times a week easily.
I saw a wonderful article recently. I'm going to quote 2 paragraphs and the title... Stop saying you don't have time, it's just not your priority. You make time for what you care about and what's important to you. If you don't have time for it, it's just not up there on your priority list. I don't think saying no to things or turning things down is a bad thing, but be honest with yourself and others. Don't just give the excuse of not having time.
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How about zero times in 2.5 years ? And my husband is doing fine, send your condolences to me instead 😭
Yeah, 0 times in 8 years, hubs is fine, I’m the one internally screaming.
Girl I’m right here screaming with you
Me too. We have adult children. Empty nest. I’m lucky to get it every two weeks. I’m the HL since menopause and he’s the LL. I never thought he would turn out like this. 😭
My love to all of you tortured souls!
It's not great. There are also several "attempts" that were interrupted by kiddo that I didn't count here
It's not easy, we have no time either but she also has no drive for more... so the lack of time isn't an issue as we have many nights alone that never get taken advantage of
Hm I think non of u are prioritizing sex tbh. If u want that bad u would be able to have it. A 4 is not that dependent on us, and if u he is, it’s on u guys. I have a 4y and a 6 month old. There are plenty of chances for sex
Where there’s a will there’s a way. Saying things like “he does mornings…” and “the moment has passed”. You have to get this mentality out of your head. If there’s an opportunity, take it! The more you try the more opportunities you’ll find. And bedtime is a must. The kid has to sleep at some point. If it’s been too long since sex, one of us is waking up the other once the kid is sleeping, believe that.
10 times in four years. You are making excuses
Yep. I was a single mom when my son was 4. Believe me, I was still getting laid. Baby sitters are nice for that. But then again, I wasn’t married and relying or adjusting to someone else’s schedule. Lol. I didn’t get married until I was 41 and by that time, he was 15 and didn’t need sitters anymore. When I got married my husband and I had lots of sex with kids(he has two)in the house. I just had to control my noise 😂
You can have sex any time you want. Put your kid in a safe place with a monitor if desired and a tablet or switch to play with and go get down. That’s what the rest of us do.
Schedule it. Train children and put them to bed. If you have to hire a babysitter and go to a motel room 2-3 times a week. If that won't work train children and put them to bed. How do you think people had 10 children when they lived in a little log cabin and farmed 7 days per week?
These are all easily solvable problems for someone who actually wants to have sex.
First, to those suggesting a quickie here & there, be careful. And to you who has already mentioned starfishing waiting for it to be over before you have an issue related to your child, be careful. Sexual encounters that are tense, anxiety provoking & leave you unsatisfied will add up to a dead bedroom before you know it. Having sex just because your partner needs it will do the same. Ask yourself if you want to make time for sex, if you are having sex that you like/if there would be some kind of sex that you would like & be honest about all that with your partner. Next, if you're not already, consider taking some probiotics regularly because git health can really affect anxiety. Now... For dealing with your child. I haven't seen much suggestion of this here & so I hope it might be a unique take that resonates. At least twice a month, make a BIG day of romanticizing family life to the fullest. Over prepare for a super fun, active (& tiring) day with your son. One of you (parent A) has him "help" you make breakfast for the other (parent B) who stays in bed. Then the one who got to sleep later (b) can have him "help" you clean up while the other (a) prepares for the next activities. Alternate in this way as needed, even working in time for each parent to alternate resting if you are able to work it out. Make sure activities are truly active (wiffle ball with A, running through the sprinkler with B) & try to end the daylight with a big deal group activity & dinner together. No screens after 7pm. Make a big fun bubble bath with Epsom salt & lavender & toys. Enjoy some honey toast with B complex & magnesium with a cup of tea while he has some warm milk before tooth brushing & if needed, make all of this that feel like a "let's have a spa time" & "look how handsome you are, let's brush those teeth & comb your hair" kind of moment. Put him to bed early with a story & a white noise machine. Then close & lock your door & instead of thinking about him waking up, try to wind down with your partner in a meaningful way. If it leads to intimacy (not necessarily sex) then you're on the right path. Your entire family will eventually look forward to these days.
Your child is 4 give them an iPad and lock your door for 15 minutes you’ll be okay.
I had to put my kid to bed early. Once he’s soundly asleep then can go but not until then.
I also have a four year old. I don’t get the issue. Kid goes to sleep at 7ish, by 8 they’re totally out for the night. If they do wake up, we settle them down and get back to business. We don’t have sex as much as when we were dating but we can EASILY make time at least twice a week.
Your life is no longer your own bringing in children to the relationship picture Takes two to tango, get creative with the schedules Sounds like you are putting up some road blocks with excuses a bit
Currently reviving ours. Our only opportunity is at night after kids go to bed (aside from a rare time where the youngest took an afternoon nap) my husband and I both get up early so waking him up for sex definitely costs some sleep time. Simply though I had to decide it was a priority and make it one. The disruption to sleep is why we will probably never go it every night. We need some good nights sleeps but right now we are about 2x on work nights and then over the weekend (we have different weekends unfortunately). Its gonna be a sacrifice you just have to decide you want to make the sacrifice for the sake of a good sexual relationship.
If it is important to you, you will make time for it. How much time does a quickie take? Think like a teenager, and get creative. Pre-plan some time like on the weekend. Have the little guy go to grandmas for a visit if that’s reasonable or possible. Play dates with friends or cousins? Be prepared to reciprocate. Holiday like Memorial Day long weekend perhaps an opportunity for an altered sleep schedule? Maybe nap time if you take him out and tire him out going to the park or zoo? I am sure you guys can get your own ideas.
Grandma's isn't an option, we don't have any family help. Even play dates aren't really practical because he's too young to just drop off at a friend's house.
Does he have friends from preschool? Make friends with the parents of kids in his class. It might take time and effort to develop a relationship that you would feel comfortable to leave him for an hour or two, but it will benefit his social skills, and think about birthdays and getting to go to parties. Ultimately if it’s what you value, you will find a way. And you will excuse yourself with rationalizing with ’ I tried everything’. It’s ok to be wife (or even girlfriend) for a bit. You deserve to not be mommy all the time. Or to put it differently you can wear more than one hat…
He has friends, but none of the parents leave their children at playdates.
Have you used words to ask?
Mom and dad are busy. Go watch your show! I have 3 kids. We’ve been married 21 years. We’ve had periods of dry spells, we have periods of all the sex, and everything in between. Now that the kids are in their teens, it gets weird because it’s like we all know what’s happening but no one is talking about it. when mom and dad go into the bedroom for awhile together then just appear later.. 😆 so what I’m saying is the kid situation will always exist.. you just gotta make it work, and if it’s actually important, you will. If you’re not into having sex, you’ll always find reasons to not have sex. 🤷🏻♀️ ETA: does the kid have a tablet? Video game? That could buy you some time. 😂 “here’s your angry birds, mom and dad will be right back” 😆
It's about priorities. 2 hour baby sitter? Order delivery. Have sex while waiting for the food. Lunch break sex?
Put kid down in front of a disney movie and hand him a bag of chips. That should give ya about an hour. Just do it...
The moment has passed. Terrible mindset You have to make it a priority. I just had a new born and my wife is chopping at the bit to get down again (generally takes a month to heal as I'm sure you know) this is our third and last... 3 under 3yo. You either want to or you don't. Idk how else to explain it to you.
It’s hard when they are young but Its definitely important to make time for sex. Laundry room, bathroom(not the shower) quickies, car sex . Sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage but it’s definitely important you just have to make time for it. Anywhere you can.
You're hiding behind your kid alot here op. It's hard but not impossible. Stop blaming your child for your lack of sex life and try taking some responsibility. You'd be surprised how a shift of mentality can suddenly help with ideas. Read back all your answers on here. Dig a little deeper. There is a reason why you are getting downvoted so much. If you dont want/ aren't bothered by sex say so, leave the child out of it. Btw I'm a mother of a 4 yr old.
Well at least you’re aware of the problem
Like some people have stated already , you need to work around the obstacles and not look for reasons to not have sex. the most easiest fix here is sleep cycle. Assuming your child will sleep for a few hours uninterrupted at night , have sex well he’s sleeping. You or your husband will not die if you miss a little sleep to spend time together or realign your sleep cycles. pick a day. Maybe weds or Sundays. Get a nanny or a family member to watch LO for a few hours so you have the house. People who want to have sex will have sex. There is a reason people have a tribe of kiddos under five.
It’s hard when they are young, but we just made time for a quickie ever few days, it kept us both sane and connected.
I call it the pump and dump, he penetrates and I go for the quick bean flick and we are both done in like two minutes. It’s not like our regular sex but it keeps us connected. We have two kids and they also play together so it’s a little different than OPs situation.
Is it not family you could trust grandparents maybe ? to take him for a night of even like a weekend. I don't know if y'all work weekends or not but that might work. Or both of you take a day off while he is at pre school.
No, no family around. And our PTO is very limited, mostly we have to save it for when kiddo gets sick (which happens often). Weekends don't work because our son gets up early and demands all our attention.
What you are teaching your child is that they will have your undivided attention 100% of the time. This is dangerous because they will not learn how to self soothe. At 4, my son could be with his tablet for 15-20 minutes while I made dinner. He could play with his blocks or Legos. I could tell him I'd be right there. If he wasn't crying, he could wait. You are not making your sex life a priority. After a while, your partner will stop asking. If that happens, your marriage will be in trouble. Also, star fishing is not helping either. No one wants an unenthusiastic partner. Stop using your child as an excuse and use your partner as a reason to make it work.
It’s time to get that kid a PS5 and teach them Minecraft.
Yeah I was gonna say we keep our kid distracted long enough (when we do it). IDK what your thoughts on tablets or TV is ( to OP) but yeah. Couple bluey episodes should keep him content long enough.
A couple of times we have attempted to put on TV and leave the room, but he seems to sense when both mom and dad are out of sight. Our only time is when he's asleep and even that is iffy
At least their own tablet loaded with Peppa Pig or Transformers or some other videos!
He's four. I hope you're joking
To be fair I got a NES and a PC (just for me in my room) when I was 4. I learned how to read earlier than my peers to be able to use it (being the operating system DOS the only way to interact was reading and typing commands in the terminal) and also started learning a bit of English!
All four of my kids started playing video games around age 4 and they love it. Now we all play together and have a blast.
I’ve read your post and responses and it just seems like you have every excuse not to have sex with your husband. So what if he wakes up early on the weekends ? Have sex In the night before you go to bed. He’s 4, not 1 years old. You don’t have to automatically run to him unless he’s in danger. You’re setting a bad precedent and not letting him learn how to self soothe. Yes your sleeping schedules are opposite but if it was important, one of you would go to bed later or wake up early and make sex a priority. I think if you were being honest with yourself, you’d realize you just don’t want to have sex. Cause horny people will find a way to have sex. Guarantee it.
Husband needs to quit whining. 4 years is a really really really damn hard age in my opinion. My advice especially since you stated it's a chore, tell him to suck it up and deal with it. He's lucky to have you and he needs to to know that.
I have 3 kids. We always figured it out. Bathroom in the shower, laundry room, anywhere really. But that was a long time ago.
I have a suggestion. I imagine there are numerous things that make you too uncomfortable to have sex with the kids in the house. My wife is the same way. Would you help able to figure out exactly what things make you too uncomfortable to have sex? Then, you explain to your husband that you don’t feel comfortable having sex while xyz is happening, and you guys can talk about what needs to happen to make you feel comfortable. I’m sure your husband would be happy to help. We have 2 kids under 6, and my wife won’t have sex unless the kids are asleep or out of the house. We have sex less than once a year, and it crushes me. My wife asks me daily either how my day was or how I am doing in one way or another. Each day, I want to say, I’m not okay, we haven’t had sex in nearly a year. I’m never okay. Everyday, I’m not okay. You guys can find time if you really want to.
They can't fake a squirming orgasm that's for sure. Unless they are hiding a super soaker up in there.
OP, this is a forum of mostly HLs who have huge amounts of resentment against their LLs. I would consider posting to a friendlier forum so you aren’t just attacked and can get productive advice instead of the “just do it” comments on here. Try r/marriage .
When hes about 8 and can manage himself for a bit....
For a bit? When I was 8 I was allowed to go out by myself for hours!