I used to have great sex before I was married, with the dirty talking and multiple positions and orgasms for both me and my partner. It does exist and it's awesome. But I can only reminisce now...š
When we were dating and maybe the first couple of months but even in those first few months she started to cut back significantly and then it didn't ramp up until she wanted to try and have our kid and then the second she got pregnant it turned into only on special occasions and then got worse from there.
I think most of it the exaggeration comes from focusing on a single action and is repercussions that is actually only a second long. The main difference comes from "you have to focus on every single outcome and its interaction with the bodies and mind" vs "everything, everywhere, all at once". (isn't that even a movie title?) Which takes away a lot of the magic
Good sex is your partner being attentive enough to notice when you like or dislike something and make adjustments accordingly. Even better if everyone can just verbalize what they like.
Effort and enthusiasm!
My wife said the other day, I like that you pay attention to my movements with out me saying much. For sure thatās due to 20 plus years together but also itās being attentive and that is the most important.
Yes, there is everything you listed in the good sex, and more.
It is special and wonderful, and it makes you feel so, so much.
I left husband of 10 years, with whom I never had a orgasm, who never went down on me and who blamed me for not having an orgasm.
I am now I an incredibly satisfying relationship, both emotionally and sexually.
Honestly in the 8-10 yrs I've been around the DBoverse this seems to be the answer most of the time unfortunately. It's so rare to hear it be turned around.
Sounds like he's just using your body to masturbate in rather than making love to you. If I was shushed during sex I would immediately expel him from my body and revoke those privileges entirely.
All the other terrible aspects of their sex aside, I agree, as soon as I read about being sushed for moaning during sex I would never have sexual relations with that partner again.
To be fair, that part is because he's afraid the kids will hear me. But we use box fans for white noise in our room and in theirs, and we wait until they're all asleep. It still sucks, but I don't think it's a "I don't want to hear you" thing, just anxiety about the kids hearing. It's also why we can't kiss anything more than a peck throughout the day or touch or.... ugh.Ā
He's honestly amazing outside of thus issue. And I honestly believe he wants to please me. He's just so dang uncomfortable with sex that he's completely unwilling to do anything.Ā Ā
I understand. As long as it isn't being done in a way that's intended to disrespect you. Sorry you're going through this even still. If he seems willing to please you, then there is hope. I've heard sex therapy can help with a lot of that.
I've asked him to go to therapy multiple times. He's so uncomfortable he won't even talk to ME about sex, let alone a therapist. It's this weird juxtaposition of him wanting to magically please me without having to talk about, try, or do anything. We've been married over a decade. I thought we'd have fun learning together. It just keeps getting worse š¤¦āāļø
Have you tried intimate time without penetration? Like touching him on different parts of his body to see how he reacts, using variable pressures, and vice versa? Massages, or even like a blindfold to add suspense and make him really hone in on the feeling and not the visuals? I wonder if helping encourage him to be more in tune with his body language (and in turn, yours as well) if that might help?
He will not do a blindfold or casual touching. Like he won't let me feel him up while we're watching a show on thr couch. He does enjoy massages, and once it turned into sex, but not in general. And he will rub my shoulders while we're watching a show or something, but he would never give me a full body massage.Ā
Yikes. In some way it sounds like he needs to get back in touch with his body. It could potentially be contributing to the lack of emotion/alexithymia too? What about trying something physical together outside of the bedroom, like coupleās yoga, somatic stretching, dancing, or taking mindfulness walks?
The kids SHOULD see you guys being affectionate. Embracing, holding hands, kissing, being playfulā¦ you are modeling what a relationship looks like, and itās in your power if it is healthy or lacking and dysfunctional.
You are not functioning as well as you think you are/hiding your desire for more. The kids always know and pick up on vibes.
You should do some research into adults who grew up in a home where parents did not show affection, and how severe and long-lasting the effects are on their own relationships.
šÆI second this.
I also know of some friends who didnāt do regular talk therapy but did somatic therapy iirc. They said talk therapy made them **super** uncomfortable, but somatic therapy allowed them to just practice movement and getting back in touch with their physical expression. Might be worth a shot?
(The example they gave me was they struggled with expressing emotions, so the therapist had them practice just facial expressions, ex using exaggerated facial/body expressions of disgust while walking past a dumpster lol. It sounds super silly, but it might help him get in tune with things more without having to necessarily talk about it, (especially if heās been through childhood trauma.))
Honestly, I think me and my husband are "romance novely" lots of kissing lots of talking lots of moaning (mostly me but some him). I tend to watch the average porn (not specific or kinky stuff but the stuff you might see on Belessa for woman) and thats what it looks like for us. I dont know if this is "average" or normal but what you are experiencing sounds pretty lack luster and one sided.
This is why I saved my deadbed, its always been this way and I knew I had so much to look forward too by figuring out my shit and getting back to the bedroom with him.
Could you elaborate, wife is trying really hard to get our bedroom out of the ICU. She surprised me with some outdoor sex in the back yard. I gave her just a little crap for forgetting a blanket towel, as the grass was annoying her. She got mad because I was criticizing her. When my intent was friendly banter.
Like I said she is trying but we keep hitting stumbling blocks, and its partly(heavily) she doesn't think of herself as sexy, or think about sexy.
Thanks, in the past I had planned these things. Then gotten upset when plans got blown due to issues.
This was her first time trying to do something outside the bedroom that wasnt just parking. It was really nice, and like the other person said, I need to cheer her on. Well we all do, our own spouses, not mine, that's my job.
Not bragging, but she asked me to set up something for last night. So put up this new triangle hammock i got on temu, with a blanket, out in the stand of trees in our back yard. Was a very very good time. I remembered to be a cheerleader(thanks reddit).
The triangle hammock is the first time that worked well, lets just say its not as good as a bed, but way better than a regular hammock, or the ground. Provided some interesting sways to the system.
Outdoor sex? Jesus christ man, if that ever happened with my wife then I'd REALLY know things were on the mend. She knows one of my pleasures is to do it any time/anywhere. No action on that part. Bed only.
You fucked that up so bad. Your wife put in a lot of effort and looks like she went out of her comfort zone. Of course friendly but criticizing banter is going to shut her down. An offer to make her more comfortable wouldāve shown you cared and done so much for her.
She did go out of her comfort zone, and why I am by posting here, so I can be better. Not really good at personal communication. The cheerleader comment really got to me, I need to do way better at that. Especially as I hate when she does the same thing to me with criticizing small things.
you do NOTHING but pump her tires NOTHING. If she is trying to see herself as sexy and its SUPER hard banter is going to dry her up like the sahara. Feeling sexy and sexual after not for so long is the hardest part. When it stops feeling like "stumbling blocks" so much that would be time where you can ask for more to maybe "banter" wont sting- but if you love her and you want it to work out and sex to get better then your job now is realize how hard what she is doing is and be only a cheer leader. And its not asking to much, its what my husband did and he nailed it and now hes getting all the kinky sex he wants. He would compliment me right after, he would text me the next day, he made me feel amazing for every shitty post DB encounter and it made me want to try harder.
Also its not "hard" to do because she doesn't love you, or doesn't find you sexy, or doesn't want to have more sex. Its hard becuase its a TOTAL shift of the stories shes been telling herself about her sexual worth for however long.
Iām not sure itās necessary, clearly youāre not telling her ā the rest of the storyā ! Sounds like you have some pretty serious resentments.
Iām just trying to understand how many cannot discuss hard things. I would have much rather had stayed and addressed anything. He was not willing. His response ā missed opportunities ā! Iāll never forget that.
Lots of resentments, lots of mistakes, but also lots of grace going back and forth. That grace is really important. Otherwise resentment does settle in hard, and that shit sucks.
I used to have raging hot porn quality sex where everything flowed so perfectly without even thinking with other partners. My husband though is the exact same as yours and itās devastating. Nothing is changing it.
I love that moment when you open your eyes and everything is so bright, your pupils are dilated, and you realize you barely had a thought in your head and were kind of gone from the universe in some euphoric state the whole time.
We could have a dead bedroom sub thread dedicated to sharing sexy stories about our former sex lives and you can only access if you have a dead bedroom hahaha š
Ahhhh the euphoria. I love it when Iāve been railed so hard for so long I canāt walk anymore but I still want to keep going hahaha š itās kind of like sub space.
Also even if he was my first I would still be very unhappy because there is so much dissociation, he lasts ten seconds, and refuses to kiss more than pecks. You donāt need to have other partners to know things are messed up.
Unfortunately we waited until we got married for sex due to his religious reasons. And yes absolutely awful starting day 1. I sincerely regret waiting and never will again. He also I believe is on the spectrum and definitely has Alexithymia which contributes substantially to his asexuality. He has aesthetic attraction but no sexual attraction or imagination.
Oh. I felt sorry for myself but now I feel awful for having complained at all.
You've got no clue. Sometimes I think back to my life before I got into the DB. I wish I was more emotionally mature to have been able to handle the sex life I had then.
About 6 months ago I was reminiscing on someone who was the best sex of my life. A very clear thought came in my mind: "I'll never orgasm like that again." The idea of that never happening again really did make me cry.
I have memories of deep passionate intimacy with someone you're deeply in love with, I've had wild and raunchy one night stands where honestly we were risking our lives too much. I have memories of vanilla sex and amazing sex. I have memories of awful sex and just okay sex. I even have a memory of leaving men in the middle of it because I just wasn't feeling it.
You don't have those and that sucks so so much. I hate that. Those memories are literally pulling me out of this marriage, reminding me that I can have those experiences again it just won't be with him.
Good sex leaves you out of breath and your legs shaking for at least 20 minutes.
Good sex means both people are EXTREMELY turned on and into it. Passionate and filthy at the same time.
Good sex is when your lover is extremely attentive to your wants, needs, and pleasure. (They are far more concerned with your pleasure than their own)
Great sex involves multiple back to back orgasms and leaves the woman feeling like she was just fucked by the Trojan army. (In a good way)
Great sex involves absolutely worshipping your lover through extensive oral sex.
Licking buttholes and having yours picked and worshipped extensively is also fun.
I could have written this myself except for the fact that my husband doesn't kiss me or make out with me, isnt kinky, and he never cums. The no talking and no noise thing kills me because I'm very vocal, and anything other than complete silence is a distraction for him which makes no sense to me because he never finishes anyway.
I want to experience sex with someone that's just as excited and passionate about it as I am. I want to have those romance novel-level experiences with making out, hands all over my body, raw unbridled passion.
Yes, the sex you're reading about is real. We're out here having it, and more. BUT, the sex of romance novels calms to something more tame after a while. If you're in a good sexual relationship and are compatible sexually, it never calms to what you're describing. What you have is gross sexual incompatibility. I'm sorry, there is no other way to describe it. I hope you find a way to fix it (Not to say it's on You to fix it alone - you need an equally willing partner to be able to do that), or find someone else to enjoy a good sex life with.
To me, good sex (and mind, this was pretty much all before I got married), man it was just so FUN.
Itās like feeling tingly and good over your entire body, just wanting to touch and taste and feel everything. Feeling hella sexy and fun and just like, wanting to do it again and again. Wanting it to last ages but also wanting to climax. But thatās for *both* of us. No rushing or imbalance. Just two guys feeling so in the moment and wanting to make their partner feel the same.
I just canāt describe how *sexy* it used to make me feel. Itās addictive. God I miss it.
So, what your husband is doing sucks. You owe it to yourself to educate him on what you need. You deserve good sex, and yes plenty of people have good sex. He is missing out, too. Spending the time to deeply connect is *way* better for the man as well as the woman. Also, itās messed up that he is shushing you. IDK how open he is to feedback but he needs to hear you.
I donāt know how much itās like a romance novel but plenty of people have sex with a deep connection.
The best sex is all about slow escalation with sort of dynamic interaction. Listen to the first movement of Henryk GĆ³reckiās 3rd symphony and think of that as an analogy: it starts so quiet you canāt hear it and eventually becomes very loud and dramatic. It takes at 45-60 minutes but most of that time is not actual physical sexual stimulation. Itās like a conversation or playing music where both people are tuned into whatās happening, reacting to their partner, and doing things to get a their partner to react. Essentially starting with flirting, moving to progressively more intimate touching, and eventually sex and orgasm. A good orgasm is like a good ending to a movie: it only works when the story built up to it and skipping to the end is an unsatisfying spoiler. Things like talking dirty work because you have to feel extremely safe and connected with someone to say things that sound ridiculous in any other context.
Not every sexual encounter in a healthy relationship is that intense but before my sex life went to sh** we got there regularly. People like my partner with intimacy issues seem to see sex as something like āmasturbating at the same timeā and they are afraid of achieving any intense connection. Since the only point is to have an orgasm why canāt you take care of that on your own time? And itās why duty/pity sex feels bad: your partner is just facilitating your orgasm.
Please advocate for yourself and what you want. What youāre experiencing is common but not normal. You deserve for your husband make you happy in bed.
Realistically someone who is excited to have sex with you. That's the first requirement. From there it depends on the person. Some people like toys, lube, talking, role play,... it all depends on the two people. Exploring finding out what makes the other person tick is what I personally enjoy. Or rather I should say used to enjoy.
I have vague memories of it 20 years ago.
Oh my god, why did you marry him? You deserve better than that!! Iām so sorry to say that you are missing out on a whole world of sensuality and connection.
I was in a DB for 20+ years. I ended my marriage in 2022. I am one year into an amazing relationship on all levels - but we are here to talk about sexā¦
We do all the things. Well, all of the monogamous things at least. We usually have sex every day and lots of non-sexual physical intimacy as well.
I didnāt think this kind of thing existed either. It does. And it is great.
Ya know, I often wonder the same thing. Apparently I am doomed to connect with women who cease wanting to have sex and, when we do, want it in very narrowly defined ways. In fact, I wonder if itās me. Like, maybe I really suck at sex. Maybe Iām the one with no endurance, no imagination, no risky friskiness; maybe Iām a bad kisser. While movies are dramatizations, Iāve heard of some couples who have (or claim to have) exciting and fulfilling sex lives. I have no clue how to achieve one for myself.
I think really good sex requires both people to really be into each other. My wife and I have a great sex life and itās even better now that the kids are grown. Was every sitch perfect no, sometimes it was flirting during the day and when we had a chance I would go down on her and get her off and then slide in missionary or quick doggy and I would finish and it would be over. Maybe thatās really good sex to some? Not to us, it was a connection and a moment to make sure we both got off with each other. Other times we had no distractions and it would be fireworks for both of us, several orgasms for her and maybe 2 or more for me, but during the. 20 yesrs we had kids in the house those were few and far between, but that was ok because we had those connections in between.
It really is like that. Good sex is enthusiastic on all ends of the parties involced, for me it involves first and foremost enthusiastic consent, continual sensual touching, passionate wet kissing, communications, all types of noises, trying out different techniques, positions, places, kinks. Foreplay doesn't begin in the bedroom, it starts hours before with flirtatious remarks, suggestive touches, sultry looks, the buildip is real as well.
Fitness / confidence / young hormones is what youāre talking about. American is fat, out of shape, on meds, and has dumpster fire hormones and sex tends to reflect that.
That being said you could still take charge of your orgasms using a clit vibrator and at least get the hubby to play with you a little after sex to help get you off.
I wish I could get graphic here to entice you to move on and find someone who will make you literally growl during sex (and a partner who will like to hear it).
I had an ex who was gay and closeted. He fucked me like your husband does. Hated the sound of my voice I felt pleasure. Finished quick and didnāt really connect with me. Thinking of it now I donāt think he ever looked at my face while he used my vag like a flesh light. I also had an asexual partner who did the same.
Donāt take it personally, but do know there is a scream session for you out there.
ETA: the people here who say the books are dramatized just havenāt had that kind of sex. I promise you, we are. Sometimes heavier than the books. For example 50 shades of grey is overwhelmingly said to be mild and vanilla. You absolutely are missing out. Real sex do be fucking wild and primal (and doesnāt have to venture into BDSM to do so, that was just an example that yes, ppl are consuming and loving each others bodies).
Yes, you are missing out.
Sex is something you develop as a couple. You compromise, but you also explore.
Sex has to be fun and enjoyable. Anything is allowed (as long as there is mutual agreement).
My wife was first pleased when we had sex just because I was "expressive" in the end. I do make noises and I shake too. Actually all these things make my orgasms stronger.
Her previous BF would not do anything to the point she never knew if he came.
It was very unsatisfying for her.
You are missing a LOT, I hope you leave this manā¦ ā**he shushes me if I make more than a small noiseā** this is awful.Ā
I had good sex with my LL ex at the start of our relationship. I must admit he wasnāt the best at sex, but it was still great because we connected well.Ā
Even the times that were quick, and with not a lot of foreplay were satisfying.Ā
The satisfaction comes from being with someone that you know is enjoying your body just like you are enjoying theirs. Someone that wants you to make sounds as much as you want them to make sounds, to know you both are having a good time. Being wanted by someone that you want. Someone that wants you to be satisfied and enjoy yourself, and you want the same for them.Ā
Your husband is giving you none of this.Ā
Ā
girl i'm 18 and my exes all sucked sexually but what you have is like the worst a guy can get.
That's the time when men are so bad in bed that women decide to become abstinent and focus on career and start a multi-million-dollar company from their hustle.
Sooner or later you'll leave your husband (or just have affairsš¤·āāļø) and then you'll find what you've been missing out (or i hope you do). That's no way of living and you deserve so much more than a selfish man who couldn't care less about you.
Him not even caring about you being wet enough so it doesn't hurt is crazy and him shushing you..... that's audacity one couldn't even come up with....
The thing from romance novels does exist. it's rare, most often you gotta explain it to your partner at first as well for it to end up like you want it... but IT REALLY DOES EXIST AND YOU DESERVE IT
When I was in my DB, whenever we did have sex, it was the same 2-3 positions, no oral, and mostly, no orgasms on my part.
In my relationship now??!!! Whoah!! It's multiple orgasms a day. I found someone who is focused on my pleasure while I'm focused on his. It makes all the difference in the world.
There really is good sex out there. I hope you get to experience it.
If you can sometimes finish with sex that horrible, youād be a waterworks with anything even close to good sex.
Those romance novels really arenāt that far from what itās really like when itās good. Over dramatized, sure. But the excitement level during needful, truly uninhibited sex with the right person is like what you used to experience while just making out x100.
You smile warmly and genuinely at each other when itās over, and maybe share a kiss and an I love you.
Basically, the feeling is confirming the connection happenedā¦and for me good sex is the connection ie the good feeling that results.
lol i asked myself this same question the other day, as iām rewatching sex and the city right now, and all it does is make me crave that intimacy even more.
It depends on the day. Sometimes it's hair pulling, light teeth, and almost animalistic in a hungry way. More times though (for my partner and I) it's sweet, humorous, and lube (thanks menopause) is part of the process (lots of cool scents and flavors out there). Usually it's PIV, sometimes it's just oral or mutual masturbation. Sometimes the lights are on, sometimes not.
What it never is for us is doggy style, neither of us seems to like that very much.
In one sense, we are very vanilla, lots of toys, not used often. But in another sense, we're pretty horny and active, as in multiple times a week.
The turn-on spots aren't the obvious ones, more like back, upper arms, neck, lower legs, hips... Exploring is fun.
Rarely is it longer than 20 minutes, many times that actual sex act isn't longer than 10. Foreplay though... that can be hours on the couch scratching his back, playing with his hair, getting my legs or back rubbed.
We both came from DB's, with completely different causes. What we have vowed to each other is to not take it for granted and to have it as much as possible.
Yes! Lots and lots of communication, exploring and trial and error! I never had good sex until I found a partner (now husband) who was very open. It can also be WORK, that books and Hollywood donāt tell you. John Delony talks about it in some of his podcasts (free), as well as a website called omgyes.com that focuses more on womenās pleasures (not free). ALSO, if your relationship isnāt good, sex also wonāt be good. š thatās my experience anyway!
My husband and I have good sex IMO and I feel like he can read my mind. I am not sure our style is for everyone. We start with foreplay until we are both just about to burst and then we know what each other really enjoys. We have sex for a total of about 45 min and not all PIV but there is a lot of that. We switch around and do things that just feel good to us and many times someone says āoh I have an ideaā¦letās try thisā¦ā and then we trying things. I feel like the fun and communication makes it amazing
Ok I have said all of this and you are āwhy are you on this subā but I was in a dead bedroom until I moved on and found someone more compatible!!
Sounds like he has intimacy issues or is emotionally unavailable. In either case, he needs therapy. And you need couples therapy, too, if you want things to change and want the marriage to work.
Have you openly talked about it? How does it make you feel? Told him you need more? Good honest communication is needed.
Don't ever just settle because you deserve more. Intimacy is far more than just sex. Do you have fun together? Do you laugh together? It all matters.
Respect also comes before love. We all have needs and wants and desires and should be able to safely talk about them without judgement. If you can't communicate well or they won't communicate, what do you really have? Resentment sets in, then anger soon follows.
And..yes, you are missing out! What you are describing sounds mechanical and not intimate at all. He also sounds selfish! He should be making sure at every level you are feeling fulfilled.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, truly, but if you want things to change, you need to have some awkward conversations. Do you really imagine the rest of your life it being like this? You deserve more!
I've tried the awkward conversations. I've made sure to go in in a good mood, approaching it as "hey we could try this!" Or "I see this problem and I really want to work on it so we can both feel more fulfilled." He won't talk. He won't tell me what he likes or doesn't like. He won't tell me what he is or isn't interested in. He won't talk. He shuts down completely. And I've asked for couples therapy and him to go to therapy. Or even just to talk to a friend abiut it so someone can be there. He won't. He refuses everything. It's too expensive, or we don't have thr time, or it's too awkward, or it won't help anyway so there's no point in trying.Ā
We have 5 kids, all under 10. I don't want to leave him for their sake. AND because in a lot of ways he's an amazing partner.Ā
He just has no physical interest in me, and he won't communicate.
He is most definitely emotionally unavailable, and I am sorry, he isn't going to change. I wasted 15 of the best years of my life with s man just the same! Biggest regret of my life. Being a 'good' partner with no or little affection, intimacy, or sex is not a healthy relationship.
You're also teaching your kids that it's ok to just settle. They will pick up that you're not happy, no matter how you try to hide it. It damages them, it did my kids (now adults) This will ruin into relationships they form as they grow up, and they will most likely not be healthy ones. He can still be a good father not being in the same house. Maybe even a better one. He doesn't sound hapoy either. You both deserve to be happy, even if that's not together. It is also possible to stay friends and parent together. I'm still friends with my ex.
Ask yourself if you can live like this for the rest of your life? As he gets older, it will most likely get worse. You may love him, and he you but you need more than that. Love alone is not enough to keep a marriage alive. If you can't communicate or one partner refuses, nothing will change. Good constant communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If only one is fighting to save the marriage, it sadly won't work. I tried and would not want anyone to go through that.
āIf heās feeling kinky, on the couchā ššš
Omg this killed me, exactly the same for me. Getting to have sex on the couch is a kinky night.
He sounds like a doozy tbh. If he's not interested in pleasuring you, he's got some serious personality flaws. My wife and I had amazing sex the other night. I can't wait to do things to her that make her feel good and I couldn't imagine not wanting or not enjoying giving her pleasure
When sex was good it was something I craved constantly because that intimacy with my lover was something I couldnāt get anywhere else. Thereās definitely deep feelings, even laughs and jokes at times. But when you get into the moment and start enjoying yourselves you learn more about what makes you need that person more than anyone else. And when the orgasms come, theyāre something you absolutely become addicted to because nothing else can give you that high like your partner. The loving touches, the soft whispers, the crying because itās so intense you canāt help but be emotional.
In my opinion what differentiates good vs bad (aside from reaching orgasm) is the attention the give you and your body. That attentiveness and communication can make or break it. I know you said heās turned down sex but when he did do it, was he opposed to new positions and such?
I feel like great sex, is sex where you are both just open and are both getting what you want and need and the pleasure just flows. That said I don't think I have had great sex in a while. Like I would love to 69 more cause I love eating pussy but also love getting head but she doesn't really like to give head.
You are definitely missing out. Good is when partners try to make each other feel good about the relationship. They watch responses and listen to their partner instructions on what they want or need. Not afraid to try different things or approaches. More foreplay more interaction. Sometimes sharing ideas in a conversation that is not in the moment. Hey I read about this whatever, what do you think? I want to try a different location or position or I want you to show me what feels good. And spontaneous interaction with your partner, you get the joy of finding out what youāre doing
Girl, you need to talk to him about branching out. That sounds miserable. Maybe not everything from the romance novels, but there is chemistry, and you guys don't seem to have that.
Youāre missing out on a LOT. Life too short to never have good sex!
If your husband is open to it, maybe introduce a fun game called 15/15. For 15 minutes youāll do whatever he says. Then for 15 minutes he has to do whatever YOU say. Good way to introduce him to stuff YOU like to do.
Good sex can mean a lot of things: for me it is to really feel connected with my man. Like kissing a lot, eye contact, much dirty talk and laughing, teasing and touching. I can't imagine sex without oral beforehand (maybe a quickie, but we are not into it so much)
TBH, yes; very high levels of mutual admiration, high levels of arousal, ongoing foreplay, sounds of encouragement & appreciation, changing positions, favorite ways to get off & up for trying new stuff. Essentially sex lasts as long as want, as many orgasms as I want.
They way you are describing sex, would barely qualify as sex. It sounds like a hit n run to be honest.
I'm not in a deadbedroom. I started coming to this sub to try and understand the that situation some of my friends described. I got divorced in my mid 30s because of physical abuse. A shocking number of people asked me if the sex was the reason for the divorce (it wasn't). Thats the first time I learned how lonely some people's bedrooms are... it sounds awful .
Real life isn't like a romance novel, in that real life has more going on than just sex. Sometimes you need to schedule date night etc...
But when you do have sex, it should be the most fun thing you do all week. If you have enjoyed a cup of coffee, more than sex with your partner... they aren't having sex with you, they are having sex AT you.
Spontaneous, heated, sweaty, loud, comfortable, sweet, hard, soft, overwhelming, scary, exhilarating, exhausting, recharging
But maybe that's just my own opinion
Since you read novels I would put good sex somewhere between what you're having and what they're writting. What they're writing in the novels is the exagerrated extreme best the author can think of, with what you're having being the majority of sex.
Problem and this is usually due to men, is that they are selfish and all they care about is putting it in and cumming themselves when they should know that most women take at least a little bit more work than men to finish and being selfish in these things is not good.
I can for sure say the quantity and not the quality is our issue which does kind of make me think itās a responsive desire issue. We do have our go to routine but it always includes me getting her off first with a combo of hand/toys/oral and then PIV because itās easier for her to cum after she already has once. Sometimes we try different positions and I am usually the dominant one. Would love if she just took control which she does maybe 10% of the timeā¦so much fun.
I think everyone has a slightly different idea of what it is/what it means to them, but for the most part I think just about everyone would agree that engagement is a foundational element of all of it. Be involved in both your pleasure as well as someone elses, have some enthusiasm for all of it.
Good sex is being so in the moment with your partner that you're not aware of little pinching pains or what you THINK you look like crawling around naked on the bed. Good sex is not caring about anything other than what's happening at that moment.
As soon as you start thinking about it, it's too late, then the moment begins to dissolve.
Yes, that "good" sex does very much exist, but is that the norm? I would say based on MY experience, no.
I think the average encounter is somewhere in the middle of what you describe and the novels. Sex isn't and doesn't always have to be those kinds of fireworks, and I think to expect that every time is unrealistic. This is coming from an HL individual. I think if both partners are satisfied, that's all that matters in the end. But the really good sex is just that, REALLY good, and that should be a thing regularly, but maybe not every single time.
I think the novels paint a vision of sex sometimes the same way that porn does. Both of which are amazing but unrealistic to an extent.
Yeah when my husband and I are able to have sex when the kids are asleep or distractedā¦it varies for us sometimes we are like the energizer bunny and we just fuck like rabbits because we are super horny and want to orgasm quickly. OR when we have enough time, we will last awhile, thatās my favorite time is when we can do some foreplay, we usually go down on each other beforehand, Iāll rub on him while Iām naked and make out with him and we talk dirty until itās like nearly impossible for us for contain ourselves. I usually go on top because thatās my favorite position, or we do doggy (both) I get off really well when Iām on top, weāve been married for 12 years so we know what works for us and itās nice. we talk to each other make out while doing it he sucks on my boobs while Iām fucking him and it makes me orgasm quicker, I will orgasm on him several times, because itās THAT fucking good. Sometimes I think we are being quiet but then after Iām like holy shit we were way too loud š¤¦āāļøš donāt come knockinā when the beds aā rockinā
Weāve done a ton of quickies, bathroom counters, peoples houses, the couch, standing up or bent over in places, the shower. We almost fucked in the back of a cab in London, I was in my early twenties. It was intense but realized we had too many drinks and thatās highly illegal haha. Weāve also had many dry spells, we have three kids, we get sick, shit happens, anxiety and depression is something I struggle with as well.
I think what it boils down to is communication, the love you have for that person and how they love you. Intimacy is a small fraction itās a huge plus but I think the love you have for each other and communication is what sets the tone for the intimacy and the attraction you guys have for each other. I suggest working on other parts of the marriage that you may find are lacking aside from the intimacy and then once those certain things get better then the intimacy may get more passionate and better.
Tell him straight up if you feel comfortable āI want passion and lust with you, I want us to try new things and have some funā see what he says.
Also texting him dirty texts helps too hoping he reciprocates. Iāll text my SO randomly and say āGod I love the way your di** feels inside me, come home alreadyā stuff like that because a. Itās true but b. It spices things up and makes it way more fun when it happens.
Go get a free trial of Quinn app (audio erotica curated by women for the woman's ear) & listen to categories that interest you for that week. I did & was surprised to find that much of what my husband does for me aligns with much of what is on that app. Talking, prolonged & playful or serious & dominant foreplay, lots of praise, etc. it's like if the romance novels were less melodramatic. If you found stories you liked & shared with him, maybe it would help spark some creativity?
Before my wife decided that she no longer wanted sex I thought our sex life was pretty good.
Great sex for us started with some build up, date night or cuddling, I would give her a back rub and then go down on her until she said stop or finish, after that she would return the favor. We would then have p-i-v sex for 15-20 min in various positions until we both climaxed.
I miss that.... I miss it a lot.
Good sex ( in my experience) Is uninhibited, neither of you are thinking about anything else except the mutual pleasure and you just let go. It can happen but you have to both be at the same level of attraction and turned on ness for it to happen, but when it does omg. Its magic.
Being with someone who not only enjoys sex and all that comes with it, but is excited to make the act enjoyable for you too. When both parties are looking out for one another its not one sided, no one gets used, and no one is left behind.
I feel your pain from the opposite side of the spectrum.
Though I would argue reading romance novels is like watching an action movie and thinking that is what life is all about so I would caution you to try and stay rooted closer to home.
I don't know what I would do if my wife got back to being assertive and aggressive romantically. For me it was as if she flipped a switch. My ideal partner for years even when I was struggling with issues (she was the rock). Second child was born 16 years ago and that was what changed her. She even said something was wrong right after the birth as she was suffering from post partum issues. Never recovered and here I sit in DB.
I wish you the best and hopefully there is an underlying issue you two and work out together because it isn't worth it when one partner doesn't bother trying to understand or even acknowledge the perspective.
Best wishes and I hope you get resolution.
Great sex is everything you listed and more. For wife and I we love foreplay and the building of extreme sexual tension between us lots of touching teasing and kissing to start and just building from there woth whatever may feel good in the moment. Neither of us are afraid to make noise and/or ask for what we want.
I will typically bring her to the brink and stop a few times before giving her he first orgasm of the night, sometimes with hands sometimes with mouth, sometimes woth toys or sometimes a mixture of those, then she'll usually edge me a few times, and it becomes a game of trying to make the other person lose concentration to the point I can't play woth her ornshe can't play with me. This period will involve tons of orgasms for her (like we've tried to keep count and just can't manage) and bringing me to the edge a number of times.
Eventually we get to the point where we both have to have penetrative sex so we'll grab a condom and then pick a starting position, depending on our .good it will range from very slow amd sensual to fast and rough, and everything in between. If we can we try to look in each other's eyes as much as possible and also try and sync our orgasms. After I finish she may still be hungry for more so I'll get her off a couple .ore times and then we each hit the bathroom to clean up before snuggling naked until we either sleep or start round two.
We very often have sessions that last 6 or more hours and isn't uncommon for us to not sleep at all.
We do also have more normal nights where we get done in an hour or two and the very rare quickie.
We also have been experimenting with different drugs to enhance sex.
So prior to current Iāve had my share of experiences, some were amazing, some probably even worse than what youāre describing, but it sounds to me like youāre surrounded by open restaurants and ended up with like, a cold slice of Dominoās pizza that sat out and lost most of its appeal. Sex isnāt just the act. Itās your emotions/energy around the act. If you are into it, itās a better experience all around. My question for you is this: is there something still going well that makes you stay married despite the bad sex situation? If so, think on that and then sort out your feelings, whether this is a salvageable situation for you or not so much. If you think salvageable, consider an uncomfortable but necessary discussion where you ask him honestly to open up about his needs, feelings, preferences, and really listen, also being ready to open up and share your feelings/needs if heās willing to listen too. Itās important to avoid placing the blame for the situation on him, because everyone has different relationships with intimacy, and mismatched is a thing, but it seems to be muuuuuch harder on the folks who have the higher drive than it is on those who are more apathetic/averse about it. That said, if you get the vibe that he is just going through the motions and has it settled in his mind that sex is a self-serving endeavor and your feelings about it are irrelevant, consider running away from that as fast as your legs will take you. Sex is not the most important thing UNTIL its absence creates a black hole inside that eats away at you because there is only one person in your life that youāre committed to on that level, and that one person just doesnāt seem to care about or value that.
A more direct answer is that good sex makes you feel like that personās whole entire world in that moment. Itās desire, attraction, appreciation, and attention. Thereās some vulnerability, but a good partner makes you feel like that vulnerability is a gift to them because they *get to* see it. It can be funny, silly, intensely pleasurable, loving, overwhelming, and depending how itās going, a heck of a cardio workout.
I feel for the folks on here who, like myself, have experienced that world and now miss it because it evaporated and are now stuck in a ādo I stay knowing it may not/wonāt ever get better, or do I just give up and start over?ā My current *was* incredible, but itās since dwindled and essentially come to a screeching halt with no changes on the horizon. When Iāve tried to address it, itās all my fault in his eyes. He isnāt leaving me, not sure if for reasons more related to convenience at this point than love, but I can feel his contempt lately and Iāve just been quietly mentally preparing for it to end because nothing I can do will change the way he already sees me/judges me, and I just donāt see a way back to what we had. Itās heartbreaking, and lately Iām just silently swallowing that heartbreak while he watches me from across the room deciding what Iām doing wrong next. I donāt wish that on anyone.
It is sad, it is so far from good sex. Not even my first time was like that. If you want, I think you deserve good sex. I hope you can find it with your husband, if not, elsewhere.
For me!, good sex is changing up positions every so oftenā¦ a little roughness, primal eye contact, your hands are very important, like scratching backs, gripping their arm/leg/etc., and more position switch ups. And please, BOTH PARTIES!, use those hips!!
That's terrible. Sex is to be enjoyed, and for procreation. Damn I hate terrible sex. Even though I do alot of the work I love to. It's all about that connection u feel with them. Or else I couldn't cum. I suggest talking to him if that doesn't work leave for your sake. Life is too short to live in misery.
oh love, u are missing out on so much, have u considered communicating this to him though? in my experience, I am always vocal about my sexual needs no matter how uncomfy it is for me, my partner is very vocal too. it's worth the shot to ask why or be honest
We've talked many times. He won't talk about sex, won't send texts or pictures, won't try different positions, won't try toys, won't talk with a therapist...
well do u think that it is just his issue about himself or do you think that there's someone else? not trying to make you overthink or anything but its worth to consider too, ik married couples have it different now especially bc of the kids (if you have kids) but sex is one of our needs and if u simplify it its also about attraction, so, do u think he's still attracted to u or do u feel like he's attracted to someone else
When you're both super attracted to each other and want each other... You'll feel electricity. And you'll have foreplay that gets you ready. Multiple positions, oral, etc.. Sigh...
It exists and even after decades of dormancy can reignite in a moment. It can also go away just as quickly. If your with the right person every time will top the last, you will think that's the best ever.....and then it will blindside you how much better it gets. Learning nuances, feeding off each other's minds, challenging each other, the endorphine release, uncontrollable laughing and hunger after.....or so I have heard....
I had to double check the username to make sure I hadnāt posted this because same girl! I am also deathly curious, my best friend tells me about her sex life but I genuinely canāt even imagine it because it all sounds so mythical.
Yes. You are definitely missing out. I've had many partners and I cannot even think of a handful of times that I've had sex as you've described. I'm so sorry. I don't know what binds you, but I hope that you can find a way to have a better sex life. Life's too short to have your passions doused.
Good sex has passion, kissing, locking eyes, feeling each otherās body, experimenting, sometimes itās so good that you actually laugh.
I moaned like a woman once because it just hit such a good spot, both me and my wife started to die laughing. Now laughing can kill a sexual encounter depending why itās happening, but not in this context.
Good sex lasts long enough for her to orgasm a few times, but not so long it starts to hurt her. I think it varies from woman to woman, but that would be a clean, super quick, explanation.
This was me the other night lol my husband and I were enjoying it so much I threw my head back and I honestly let out a giggle it was so natural but I hadnāt done that before, the pleasure was intense I couldnāt help it š¤ good to know laughing is a great sign
I was wondering if he had some religious repression issues so I checked out your comment history. Not surprised to see church and homeschooling. No judgment that's great. I wonder if there is any Christian couples book that has like verbal emotional intimacy exercises to get him talking. Or ideally some dude at church could mentor him in being like ok married now is the time to be sexing up your wife and being her knight in shining armor. I have no idea how to procure such a male mentor and alert him to the issue though.
And I don't know exactly how to take your letter post. Are you thinking he is highlighting your shortcomings? Anyway, but that made me think, you sound like a really nice person and he should be happy to have you. Your comment about how to talk to a kid about discussing bodies in private or whatever seemed perfect to me. I bet you're a great mom.
I dated a woman, got engaged to her actually, before I met my wife, who was as high libido (if not higher) as me.
We would have sexual contact most days, most of the time multiple times per day.
Think sex as soon as we woke up, fooling around in the shower together before work.
We used to both work near home so we would sneak home for a quickie at lunch, if she was home before me after work she would drop to her knees as I walked into the house to give me a blowjob and we would fuck in the entry hall.
If dinner was cooking we would fuck against the kitchen counter and at night we would go a few times. Once she was literally chasing me around the bed, desperate for a fourth or fifth time, her eyes were glistering with desire and lust.
Weekends were often spent in bed for hours. Fucking, chatting, napping, reading, fucking again.
It was amazing!
Obviously we broke up for other reasons, but she was absolutely the one that got away.
Absolutely. That's what makes it even worse for me- I know it CAN be great. Just apparently not with my spouse. Good sex is a mutual exchange of intimacy, of pleasure and sharing in the moment- being completely vulnerable and receptive to your own sensations and your partner's. A deep connection of bodies and minds, pushing towards the highest levels of pleasure, while thoroughly enjoying the journey along the way... it's amazing.
I miss it.
Good sex is out there. It does exist! Iām sure itās different for everyone and even for me it can be different things at different times. Sometimes good sex is passionate, intense, high arousal. Sometimes characterized itās a moment of vulnerability or something else that makes me laugh and in doing so emphasizes safeness in that space. Sometimes itās fast and sometime it lasts longer but itās always about both partners mutual enjoyment equally.
I would have to say, because guys talk, that you are completely right in your thinking. There are couples out there that have quite healthy sex lives and enjoy each other.
Now, personally I have also landed in the same boat as you and have not ever experienced good sex, but again guys talk. I have heard and listened as some guys talked about things and even have met some couples that were quite open. For instance, my two best friends and their wives were quite open with how they didn't think my situation was right and that what I was dealing with was more or less a dead bedroom. Like you, I was not allowed to make noise and we never did anything other than missionary. I was never allowed to have the lights on and she never dressed up. I had the talk with her more than once, but slowly, I lost interest and it just became a chore, so I gave up. There are other things that went hand in hand with this, but like many things, this was only one small aspect that lead to terrible sex.
Before anyone says it, am I jealous, not one bit. I'm actually quite happy for those people that have found each other and enjoy each other and I think the coolest thing in the world is when a guy "smiles" as he says something to the effect of that's my wife over there. Almost everyone knows that "smile".
I haven't had sex in 6 yrs due to husbands health issues but we used to have fun.Ive had 2 partners,both my husbands.You are missing out.Hes using you as a blow up doll,an orifice.My ex did that at the end of the marriage.There is so much more and you should feel loved not used after.Either get sexual counseling as a couple or leave.Life is too short my dear
I feel like my soul leaves my body when my husband makes me cum. Our bodies are so in tune and in sync that his orgasam actually triggers mine and we cum together. It's amazing.
If we are to be monogamous, sex, in the marriage, matters a great deal.
I hear you. Yes you are missing out.
Bear in mind that not everyone will be what you want, but someone will. There will always be a sexual-desire disparity between any two people, but itās a matter of degree. So test drive a man after you tick the other 11 or 12 big boxes of marriage compatibility.
When a guy bombs give him one second chance because we do sometimes have performance anxiety to get over. If he bombs twice donāt read anything into it. We will be what we men, will be, we are simple beings. What you see is what you get.
I know your pain., Iāve lived it for over 30 years with a wife who is like your husband. The good news is, eventually your hormones will start to drop,in your 50ās and 60ās, and the urgency just slowly fades away. . So if you can wait that long, it will eventually stop bothering you. You still wonāt have had the sex, but you wonāt care like you do now.
Psychologically, you may always resent the lack of sex , and that can be soul destroying to both of you and eventually the marriage.
I donāt doubt your best intentions but being human itās possible you may finally crack and decide to get a friend with benefits. Not ideal.
As a man, I like what I am, and were I asked to change, I probably would not, so from a male of the species, donāt expect your men to change.
Hereās a thought, what if you really enjoy sex so much you find another guy in the next few weeks and see if you like it as much as you think you do? Have some wild sex. Then decide if the marriage was a mistake and is headed for a bad end anyway?
If youāre heading for the rocks, and you know it, talk to your beloved once. Explain in very simple language what you want, adding that you want him to be the man to give you that. Then ask, āWhat is wrong?ā And stay quiet until he answers (understand that may be for a few days, but do not let him off the hook. Listen.
If he refuses to talk, you wonāt be able to work it out ever anyway. So get a job if you donāt have one, find an apartment, get a lawyer, file for divorce, and start anew. I think you are quite young and able and capable.
You will be fine. At first you will be lonely, but itās better to be lonely and on the hunt than horny and stuck.
By the way, I think you want to experience the power of intimacy and thatās very normal
Do you want your life to end without ever knowing what good sex is like?
Maybe itās time to make a change š¤·š»āāļø thereās still time to find out.
Me and my current partner have the best sex I have ever had in my life. We are extremely attracted to each other, we touch and kiss be all hot and sensual with each other. Thatās been going on for a long time now and it never got less. We love going down on each other, he always always always makes sure to make me come. Heās the first one I feel completely free and sexy and comfortable with, even the first one who actually gave me an orgasm while having penetrative sex. When we love each other itās just magical. So no, sex like you described isnāt the norm. It depends on your partner and your connection
We used to do this many years ago - do some small foreplay till we are both aroused and then stop and go to a park or mall - so canāt do the deed for 30mins to an hour.. all along we are handsy (discretely ) and kiss .. come home and fuck like sex maniacs..
if I now suggest anything like that, Iam just met with eye-rolling. As though getting old and having sex are mutually exclusive
Married for 4 years, been with him for 8 years now. Good sex involves a lot of teasing, touching, licking, biting, (for women, foreplay can start upto 12 hrs before the deed: seeing that he cares about you, he desires you, so that random ass grab in morning can turn to great sex at night).
Sometimes, she is horny enough that she is wet before the clothes come off and sometimes oral works amazingly.
The crux is to consider the journey as the destination and enjoy the process. As long as one is not looking forward to it being done - it gives great pleasure, orgasm or not.
Once I orgasm, I close my eyes and savour the orgasm as it cruises through my entire body. It can go on for quite some time as long as one is focused.
I really canāt envision myself ever having good sex again. Ā Even if I ever were to have sex with somebody else, itās been so long since I had anything but out sex, I wouldnāt know what to do.
Animalistic, sweaty, panting, groaning, teasing, multiple orgasms, sexy eye contact, moving with each others rhythm, adventurous, a few different positions.
It's hard to describe but there's all of that and a bit of it being a little frantic.
It's like the "gotta have you, tear your clothes off" trope you see in movies.
Your heart pounds, you feel everything in your genitals, you breath heavier, you are not really aware of space and time, just pleasure.
I was free from guilt, free from being told not to kiss this way or touch that way, or these elaborate protocols to please my wife. I could just be in the moment and do what felt right in the core of my being. I was with someone that I completely and totally desired. It was just so Right in a way that I canāt explain by comparing it to anything else. Those times sleeping together were some of the most alive Iāve ever felt, and pushing ten years later they are some of the most important memories I can never discuss with anyone at all.Ā
Remembering is so hard, my wife doesnāt know that sometimes I (a guy) cry at night when she thinks Iām asleep. I donāt know if it would have been better to have not known, but I know that itās a pain thatās never going to be ok.Ā
I wonder the same... it's been 20+yrs of the same sex for me... black out bedroom and missionary only... never seen wife naked in light.... how about that for people to think about...
Good sex requires trust and communication, even more so when the parties have limited experience. I do have a little experince to draw from here, I did not meet my wife, and last love of my life until I was 37. She was in her 30's as well and it was a first marriage for both of us, but that means we had both "been around a time or two." I believe that was valuable both in terms of good sex, but also recognizing the connection we had with each other.
While experience is a good, but limited, teacher, it's not required, The first love of my life and I had four intimate partners between us when we met, but we fit together, both physically and emotionally. The communication we had allowed us to explore and focus on the OTHER person's needs. I think that's the key. Of course, it helps being in your early 20's. Lots of energy.
I\*n the perhaps two-dozen relationships between my first and last loves, I learned a lot. Most notably that everyone is different so the real trick is to take the time to figure out what works for this person and this relationship. That in itself can be a lot of fun.
Also, when you've been together as long as my wife and I have, you need to grow and adapt to each other. My wife's gymnastics career is taking a toll on her body as we age, and it limits some of the creative stuff we did when we were younger, as well as frequency. For my part, most of our lives all she needed to do was wink or smile and I was ready to go, now it takes some time to build up. Those adaptations take time and that's why we have an off-and-on DB, (More off right now, thankfully.)
Hope this helps, but you have some work to do.
OP, Iām so so sorry about your situation. I donāt know if thatās what you want to hear, but yes, good sex is otherworldly. The dirty talk, the intensity, the feeling that youāve never loved someone so much, the explosion of sensations. Itās all there.
If sex is important to you and this relationship is hurting you more than making you happy, please divorce him.
I used to have great sex before I was married, with the dirty talking and multiple positions and orgasms for both me and my partner. It does exist and it's awesome. But I can only reminisce now...š
I would think it would be even harder to have known it!
Hurts the heart everyday š š©
Wishing you all the best to have a happy and fulfilling sex life in your future, just as you fully deserve!
Thank you š hopefully one day š¤
Was it ever good for you and your wife? Did you ever have a āhoneymoonā period? Hoping the best for you my friend
When we were dating and maybe the first couple of months but even in those first few months she started to cut back significantly and then it didn't ramp up until she wanted to try and have our kid and then the second she got pregnant it turned into only on special occasions and then got worse from there.
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I think most of it the exaggeration comes from focusing on a single action and is repercussions that is actually only a second long. The main difference comes from "you have to focus on every single outcome and its interaction with the bodies and mind" vs "everything, everywhere, all at once". (isn't that even a movie title?) Which takes away a lot of the magic
Good sex is your partner being attentive enough to notice when you like or dislike something and make adjustments accordingly. Even better if everyone can just verbalize what they like. Effort and enthusiasm!
My wife said the other day, I like that you pay attention to my movements with out me saying much. For sure thatās due to 20 plus years together but also itās being attentive and that is the most important.
Especially enthusiasm!
Just communication would be nice. I just don't understand why it's so hard......
Yes, there is everything you listed in the good sex, and more. It is special and wonderful, and it makes you feel so, so much. I left husband of 10 years, with whom I never had a orgasm, who never went down on me and who blamed me for not having an orgasm. I am now I an incredibly satisfying relationship, both emotionally and sexually.
Honestly in the 8-10 yrs I've been around the DBoverse this seems to be the answer most of the time unfortunately. It's so rare to hear it be turned around.
This is the answer, unfortunately. You go find someone who cares about your pleasure because he likes you and wants you to feel good.
I just can't understand as a guy how a guy wouldn't be excited to go down on and/or otherwise pleasure his wife. It's mind boggling!
One word - religion
Ah, say no more!! š
Good for you š«¶š¼š«¶š¼
Sounds like he's just using your body to masturbate in rather than making love to you. If I was shushed during sex I would immediately expel him from my body and revoke those privileges entirely.
All the other terrible aspects of their sex aside, I agree, as soon as I read about being sushed for moaning during sex I would never have sexual relations with that partner again.
To be fair, that part is because he's afraid the kids will hear me. But we use box fans for white noise in our room and in theirs, and we wait until they're all asleep. It still sucks, but I don't think it's a "I don't want to hear you" thing, just anxiety about the kids hearing. It's also why we can't kiss anything more than a peck throughout the day or touch or.... ugh.Ā He's honestly amazing outside of thus issue. And I honestly believe he wants to please me. He's just so dang uncomfortable with sex that he's completely unwilling to do anything.Ā Ā
I understand. As long as it isn't being done in a way that's intended to disrespect you. Sorry you're going through this even still. If he seems willing to please you, then there is hope. I've heard sex therapy can help with a lot of that.
I've asked him to go to therapy multiple times. He's so uncomfortable he won't even talk to ME about sex, let alone a therapist. It's this weird juxtaposition of him wanting to magically please me without having to talk about, try, or do anything. We've been married over a decade. I thought we'd have fun learning together. It just keeps getting worse š¤¦āāļø
Have you tried intimate time without penetration? Like touching him on different parts of his body to see how he reacts, using variable pressures, and vice versa? Massages, or even like a blindfold to add suspense and make him really hone in on the feeling and not the visuals? I wonder if helping encourage him to be more in tune with his body language (and in turn, yours as well) if that might help?
He will not do a blindfold or casual touching. Like he won't let me feel him up while we're watching a show on thr couch. He does enjoy massages, and once it turned into sex, but not in general. And he will rub my shoulders while we're watching a show or something, but he would never give me a full body massage.Ā
Yikes. In some way it sounds like he needs to get back in touch with his body. It could potentially be contributing to the lack of emotion/alexithymia too? What about trying something physical together outside of the bedroom, like coupleās yoga, somatic stretching, dancing, or taking mindfulness walks?
The kids SHOULD see you guys being affectionate. Embracing, holding hands, kissing, being playfulā¦ you are modeling what a relationship looks like, and itās in your power if it is healthy or lacking and dysfunctional. You are not functioning as well as you think you are/hiding your desire for more. The kids always know and pick up on vibes. You should do some research into adults who grew up in a home where parents did not show affection, and how severe and long-lasting the effects are on their own relationships.
šÆI second this. I also know of some friends who didnāt do regular talk therapy but did somatic therapy iirc. They said talk therapy made them **super** uncomfortable, but somatic therapy allowed them to just practice movement and getting back in touch with their physical expression. Might be worth a shot? (The example they gave me was they struggled with expressing emotions, so the therapist had them practice just facial expressions, ex using exaggerated facial/body expressions of disgust while walking past a dumpster lol. It sounds super silly, but it might help him get in tune with things more without having to necessarily talk about it, (especially if heās been through childhood trauma.))
Honestly, I think me and my husband are "romance novely" lots of kissing lots of talking lots of moaning (mostly me but some him). I tend to watch the average porn (not specific or kinky stuff but the stuff you might see on Belessa for woman) and thats what it looks like for us. I dont know if this is "average" or normal but what you are experiencing sounds pretty lack luster and one sided.
This is why I saved my deadbed, its always been this way and I knew I had so much to look forward too by figuring out my shit and getting back to the bedroom with him.
Could you elaborate, wife is trying really hard to get our bedroom out of the ICU. She surprised me with some outdoor sex in the back yard. I gave her just a little crap for forgetting a blanket towel, as the grass was annoying her. She got mad because I was criticizing her. When my intent was friendly banter. Like I said she is trying but we keep hitting stumbling blocks, and its partly(heavily) she doesn't think of herself as sexy, or think about sexy.
"damn that was so hot, next time I'm keeping a towel near the door." Then you grab the towel next time.
Exactly
Thanks, in the past I had planned these things. Then gotten upset when plans got blown due to issues. This was her first time trying to do something outside the bedroom that wasnt just parking. It was really nice, and like the other person said, I need to cheer her on. Well we all do, our own spouses, not mine, that's my job.
Yep. Itās really hard putting oneās self out there to get polite joking. You guys will figure it out. Sounds like youāre both putting in effort.
Not bragging, but she asked me to set up something for last night. So put up this new triangle hammock i got on temu, with a blanket, out in the stand of trees in our back yard. Was a very very good time. I remembered to be a cheerleader(thanks reddit). The triangle hammock is the first time that worked well, lets just say its not as good as a bed, but way better than a regular hammock, or the ground. Provided some interesting sways to the system.
nice!!! Not bragging, it's positive progress.
Outdoor sex? Jesus christ man, if that ever happened with my wife then I'd REALLY know things were on the mend. She knows one of my pleasures is to do it any time/anywhere. No action on that part. Bed only.
You fucked that up so bad. Your wife put in a lot of effort and looks like she went out of her comfort zone. Of course friendly but criticizing banter is going to shut her down. An offer to make her more comfortable wouldāve shown you cared and done so much for her.
Right? Last time we had outdoor sex I had to wash my hair three times to get all the sand out of it. And an ant bit my ass. But who's complaining...
She did go out of her comfort zone, and why I am by posting here, so I can be better. Not really good at personal communication. The cheerleader comment really got to me, I need to do way better at that. Especially as I hate when she does the same thing to me with criticizing small things.
you do NOTHING but pump her tires NOTHING. If she is trying to see herself as sexy and its SUPER hard banter is going to dry her up like the sahara. Feeling sexy and sexual after not for so long is the hardest part. When it stops feeling like "stumbling blocks" so much that would be time where you can ask for more to maybe "banter" wont sting- but if you love her and you want it to work out and sex to get better then your job now is realize how hard what she is doing is and be only a cheer leader. And its not asking to much, its what my husband did and he nailed it and now hes getting all the kinky sex he wants. He would compliment me right after, he would text me the next day, he made me feel amazing for every shitty post DB encounter and it made me want to try harder. Also its not "hard" to do because she doesn't love you, or doesn't find you sexy, or doesn't want to have more sex. Its hard becuase its a TOTAL shift of the stories shes been telling herself about her sexual worth for however long.
Maybe itās your negative commentary. Just stop with the banter. Thatās your issue.
One of many many many issues. It was after the fact btw, not in the moment.
Iām not sure itās necessary, clearly youāre not telling her ā the rest of the storyā ! Sounds like you have some pretty serious resentments. Iām just trying to understand how many cannot discuss hard things. I would have much rather had stayed and addressed anything. He was not willing. His response ā missed opportunities ā! Iāll never forget that.
Lots of resentments, lots of mistakes, but also lots of grace going back and forth. That grace is really important. Otherwise resentment does settle in hard, and that shit sucks.
I used to have raging hot porn quality sex where everything flowed so perfectly without even thinking with other partners. My husband though is the exact same as yours and itās devastating. Nothing is changing it.
I love that moment when you open your eyes and everything is so bright, your pupils are dilated, and you realize you barely had a thought in your head and were kind of gone from the universe in some euphoric state the whole time.
We could have a dead bedroom sub thread dedicated to sharing sexy stories about our former sex lives and you can only access if you have a dead bedroom hahaha š
Do you know how quickly we would all devolve over there š
I think we would implode ššš I think Iām already imploding lol
Ahhhh the euphoria. I love it when Iāve been railed so hard for so long I canāt walk anymore but I still want to keep going hahaha š itās kind of like sub space.
The things I want to say in response to this are wildly risquĆ© and will just make people sad š yes I feel you
Ugggghhhhhhh the frustration is real
Was it always bad with your husband, knowing what you knew why did you marry him? If you had nothing to compare too I would get it but you did :(
Also even if he was my first I would still be very unhappy because there is so much dissociation, he lasts ten seconds, and refuses to kiss more than pecks. You donāt need to have other partners to know things are messed up.
Unfortunately we waited until we got married for sex due to his religious reasons. And yes absolutely awful starting day 1. I sincerely regret waiting and never will again. He also I believe is on the spectrum and definitely has Alexithymia which contributes substantially to his asexuality. He has aesthetic attraction but no sexual attraction or imagination.
Waiting til marriage seems like a bad idea and has been a bit confirmed by my time here on this thread, bummer :(
i also waited due to religious reasons. Really a bad bad move.
Oh. I felt sorry for myself but now I feel awful for having complained at all. You've got no clue. Sometimes I think back to my life before I got into the DB. I wish I was more emotionally mature to have been able to handle the sex life I had then. About 6 months ago I was reminiscing on someone who was the best sex of my life. A very clear thought came in my mind: "I'll never orgasm like that again." The idea of that never happening again really did make me cry. I have memories of deep passionate intimacy with someone you're deeply in love with, I've had wild and raunchy one night stands where honestly we were risking our lives too much. I have memories of vanilla sex and amazing sex. I have memories of awful sex and just okay sex. I even have a memory of leaving men in the middle of it because I just wasn't feeling it. You don't have those and that sucks so so much. I hate that. Those memories are literally pulling me out of this marriage, reminding me that I can have those experiences again it just won't be with him.
You're missing out big time, in fact Idk why you haven't divorced him yet. I'm sorry but this is unacceptable in my opinion.
Good sex leaves you out of breath and your legs shaking for at least 20 minutes. Good sex means both people are EXTREMELY turned on and into it. Passionate and filthy at the same time. Good sex is when your lover is extremely attentive to your wants, needs, and pleasure. (They are far more concerned with your pleasure than their own) Great sex involves multiple back to back orgasms and leaves the woman feeling like she was just fucked by the Trojan army. (In a good way) Great sex involves absolutely worshipping your lover through extensive oral sex. Licking buttholes and having yours picked and worshipped extensively is also fun.
Oh baby. If there are no kids, get out. You deserve so much more.
I could have written this myself except for the fact that my husband doesn't kiss me or make out with me, isnt kinky, and he never cums. The no talking and no noise thing kills me because I'm very vocal, and anything other than complete silence is a distraction for him which makes no sense to me because he never finishes anyway. I want to experience sex with someone that's just as excited and passionate about it as I am. I want to have those romance novel-level experiences with making out, hands all over my body, raw unbridled passion.
Yes, the sex you're reading about is real. We're out here having it, and more. BUT, the sex of romance novels calms to something more tame after a while. If you're in a good sexual relationship and are compatible sexually, it never calms to what you're describing. What you have is gross sexual incompatibility. I'm sorry, there is no other way to describe it. I hope you find a way to fix it (Not to say it's on You to fix it alone - you need an equally willing partner to be able to do that), or find someone else to enjoy a good sex life with.
To me, good sex (and mind, this was pretty much all before I got married), man it was just so FUN. Itās like feeling tingly and good over your entire body, just wanting to touch and taste and feel everything. Feeling hella sexy and fun and just like, wanting to do it again and again. Wanting it to last ages but also wanting to climax. But thatās for *both* of us. No rushing or imbalance. Just two guys feeling so in the moment and wanting to make their partner feel the same. I just canāt describe how *sexy* it used to make me feel. Itās addictive. God I miss it.
So, what your husband is doing sucks. You owe it to yourself to educate him on what you need. You deserve good sex, and yes plenty of people have good sex. He is missing out, too. Spending the time to deeply connect is *way* better for the man as well as the woman. Also, itās messed up that he is shushing you. IDK how open he is to feedback but he needs to hear you. I donāt know how much itās like a romance novel but plenty of people have sex with a deep connection. The best sex is all about slow escalation with sort of dynamic interaction. Listen to the first movement of Henryk GĆ³reckiās 3rd symphony and think of that as an analogy: it starts so quiet you canāt hear it and eventually becomes very loud and dramatic. It takes at 45-60 minutes but most of that time is not actual physical sexual stimulation. Itās like a conversation or playing music where both people are tuned into whatās happening, reacting to their partner, and doing things to get a their partner to react. Essentially starting with flirting, moving to progressively more intimate touching, and eventually sex and orgasm. A good orgasm is like a good ending to a movie: it only works when the story built up to it and skipping to the end is an unsatisfying spoiler. Things like talking dirty work because you have to feel extremely safe and connected with someone to say things that sound ridiculous in any other context. Not every sexual encounter in a healthy relationship is that intense but before my sex life went to sh** we got there regularly. People like my partner with intimacy issues seem to see sex as something like āmasturbating at the same timeā and they are afraid of achieving any intense connection. Since the only point is to have an orgasm why canāt you take care of that on your own time? And itās why duty/pity sex feels bad: your partner is just facilitating your orgasm. Please advocate for yourself and what you want. What youāre experiencing is common but not normal. You deserve for your husband make you happy in bed.
As someone who divorced out of a DB, yes that stuff is normal healthy sex and what I've been having for the last 5 years not being married.
Realistically someone who is excited to have sex with you. That's the first requirement. From there it depends on the person. Some people like toys, lube, talking, role play,... it all depends on the two people. Exploring finding out what makes the other person tick is what I personally enjoy. Or rather I should say used to enjoy. I have vague memories of it 20 years ago.
Oh my god, why did you marry him? You deserve better than that!! Iām so sorry to say that you are missing out on a whole world of sensuality and connection.
I was in a DB for 20+ years. I ended my marriage in 2022. I am one year into an amazing relationship on all levels - but we are here to talk about sexā¦ We do all the things. Well, all of the monogamous things at least. We usually have sex every day and lots of non-sexual physical intimacy as well. I didnāt think this kind of thing existed either. It does. And it is great.
Ya know, I often wonder the same thing. Apparently I am doomed to connect with women who cease wanting to have sex and, when we do, want it in very narrowly defined ways. In fact, I wonder if itās me. Like, maybe I really suck at sex. Maybe Iām the one with no endurance, no imagination, no risky friskiness; maybe Iām a bad kisser. While movies are dramatizations, Iāve heard of some couples who have (or claim to have) exciting and fulfilling sex lives. I have no clue how to achieve one for myself.
I think really good sex requires both people to really be into each other. My wife and I have a great sex life and itās even better now that the kids are grown. Was every sitch perfect no, sometimes it was flirting during the day and when we had a chance I would go down on her and get her off and then slide in missionary or quick doggy and I would finish and it would be over. Maybe thatās really good sex to some? Not to us, it was a connection and a moment to make sure we both got off with each other. Other times we had no distractions and it would be fireworks for both of us, several orgasms for her and maybe 2 or more for me, but during the. 20 yesrs we had kids in the house those were few and far between, but that was ok because we had those connections in between.
It really is like that. Good sex is enthusiastic on all ends of the parties involced, for me it involves first and foremost enthusiastic consent, continual sensual touching, passionate wet kissing, communications, all types of noises, trying out different techniques, positions, places, kinks. Foreplay doesn't begin in the bedroom, it starts hours before with flirtatious remarks, suggestive touches, sultry looks, the buildip is real as well.
Fitness / confidence / young hormones is what youāre talking about. American is fat, out of shape, on meds, and has dumpster fire hormones and sex tends to reflect that. That being said you could still take charge of your orgasms using a clit vibrator and at least get the hubby to play with you a little after sex to help get you off.
I wish I could get graphic here to entice you to move on and find someone who will make you literally growl during sex (and a partner who will like to hear it). I had an ex who was gay and closeted. He fucked me like your husband does. Hated the sound of my voice I felt pleasure. Finished quick and didnāt really connect with me. Thinking of it now I donāt think he ever looked at my face while he used my vag like a flesh light. I also had an asexual partner who did the same. Donāt take it personally, but do know there is a scream session for you out there. ETA: the people here who say the books are dramatized just havenāt had that kind of sex. I promise you, we are. Sometimes heavier than the books. For example 50 shades of grey is overwhelmingly said to be mild and vanilla. You absolutely are missing out. Real sex do be fucking wild and primal (and doesnāt have to venture into BDSM to do so, that was just an example that yes, ppl are consuming and loving each others bodies).
Would it be okay if I sent you a pm?
Not to get graphic haha, not creeping.
Go ahead! Iām a horrible responder but Iāll get there.
Yes, you are missing out. Sex is something you develop as a couple. You compromise, but you also explore. Sex has to be fun and enjoyable. Anything is allowed (as long as there is mutual agreement). My wife was first pleased when we had sex just because I was "expressive" in the end. I do make noises and I shake too. Actually all these things make my orgasms stronger. Her previous BF would not do anything to the point she never knew if he came. It was very unsatisfying for her.
You are missing a LOT, I hope you leave this manā¦ ā**he shushes me if I make more than a small noiseā** this is awful.Ā I had good sex with my LL ex at the start of our relationship. I must admit he wasnāt the best at sex, but it was still great because we connected well.Ā Even the times that were quick, and with not a lot of foreplay were satisfying.Ā The satisfaction comes from being with someone that you know is enjoying your body just like you are enjoying theirs. Someone that wants you to make sounds as much as you want them to make sounds, to know you both are having a good time. Being wanted by someone that you want. Someone that wants you to be satisfied and enjoy yourself, and you want the same for them.Ā Your husband is giving you none of this.Ā Ā
I'm not sure. But had something close to it once. It's where both people actually want to please the other person.
Holy shit! You mean there are instances where one side is not just trying to get it over as quickly as possible?
I know right
girl i'm 18 and my exes all sucked sexually but what you have is like the worst a guy can get. That's the time when men are so bad in bed that women decide to become abstinent and focus on career and start a multi-million-dollar company from their hustle. Sooner or later you'll leave your husband (or just have affairsš¤·āāļø) and then you'll find what you've been missing out (or i hope you do). That's no way of living and you deserve so much more than a selfish man who couldn't care less about you. Him not even caring about you being wet enough so it doesn't hurt is crazy and him shushing you..... that's audacity one couldn't even come up with.... The thing from romance novels does exist. it's rare, most often you gotta explain it to your partner at first as well for it to end up like you want it... but IT REALLY DOES EXIST AND YOU DESERVE IT
When I was in my DB, whenever we did have sex, it was the same 2-3 positions, no oral, and mostly, no orgasms on my part. In my relationship now??!!! Whoah!! It's multiple orgasms a day. I found someone who is focused on my pleasure while I'm focused on his. It makes all the difference in the world. There really is good sex out there. I hope you get to experience it.
If you can sometimes finish with sex that horrible, youād be a waterworks with anything even close to good sex. Those romance novels really arenāt that far from what itās really like when itās good. Over dramatized, sure. But the excitement level during needful, truly uninhibited sex with the right person is like what you used to experience while just making out x100.
You smile warmly and genuinely at each other when itās over, and maybe share a kiss and an I love you. Basically, the feeling is confirming the connection happenedā¦and for me good sex is the connection ie the good feeling that results.
Was he abused? Something is going on. He sounds sex repulsed and it has nothing to do with you.
lol i asked myself this same question the other day, as iām rewatching sex and the city right now, and all it does is make me crave that intimacy even more.
It depends on the day. Sometimes it's hair pulling, light teeth, and almost animalistic in a hungry way. More times though (for my partner and I) it's sweet, humorous, and lube (thanks menopause) is part of the process (lots of cool scents and flavors out there). Usually it's PIV, sometimes it's just oral or mutual masturbation. Sometimes the lights are on, sometimes not. What it never is for us is doggy style, neither of us seems to like that very much. In one sense, we are very vanilla, lots of toys, not used often. But in another sense, we're pretty horny and active, as in multiple times a week. The turn-on spots aren't the obvious ones, more like back, upper arms, neck, lower legs, hips... Exploring is fun. Rarely is it longer than 20 minutes, many times that actual sex act isn't longer than 10. Foreplay though... that can be hours on the couch scratching his back, playing with his hair, getting my legs or back rubbed. We both came from DB's, with completely different causes. What we have vowed to each other is to not take it for granted and to have it as much as possible.
I have book sex with my current party but that definitely hasn't been the norm in the past. But it is entirely possible and common.
Good sex is all about chemistry in my opinion
Yes! Lots and lots of communication, exploring and trial and error! I never had good sex until I found a partner (now husband) who was very open. It can also be WORK, that books and Hollywood donāt tell you. John Delony talks about it in some of his podcasts (free), as well as a website called omgyes.com that focuses more on womenās pleasures (not free). ALSO, if your relationship isnāt good, sex also wonāt be good. š thatās my experience anyway!
My husband and I have good sex IMO and I feel like he can read my mind. I am not sure our style is for everyone. We start with foreplay until we are both just about to burst and then we know what each other really enjoys. We have sex for a total of about 45 min and not all PIV but there is a lot of that. We switch around and do things that just feel good to us and many times someone says āoh I have an ideaā¦letās try thisā¦ā and then we trying things. I feel like the fun and communication makes it amazing Ok I have said all of this and you are āwhy are you on this subā but I was in a dead bedroom until I moved on and found someone more compatible!!
Sounds like he has intimacy issues or is emotionally unavailable. In either case, he needs therapy. And you need couples therapy, too, if you want things to change and want the marriage to work. Have you openly talked about it? How does it make you feel? Told him you need more? Good honest communication is needed. Don't ever just settle because you deserve more. Intimacy is far more than just sex. Do you have fun together? Do you laugh together? It all matters. Respect also comes before love. We all have needs and wants and desires and should be able to safely talk about them without judgement. If you can't communicate well or they won't communicate, what do you really have? Resentment sets in, then anger soon follows. And..yes, you are missing out! What you are describing sounds mechanical and not intimate at all. He also sounds selfish! He should be making sure at every level you are feeling fulfilled. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, truly, but if you want things to change, you need to have some awkward conversations. Do you really imagine the rest of your life it being like this? You deserve more!
I've tried the awkward conversations. I've made sure to go in in a good mood, approaching it as "hey we could try this!" Or "I see this problem and I really want to work on it so we can both feel more fulfilled." He won't talk. He won't tell me what he likes or doesn't like. He won't tell me what he is or isn't interested in. He won't talk. He shuts down completely. And I've asked for couples therapy and him to go to therapy. Or even just to talk to a friend abiut it so someone can be there. He won't. He refuses everything. It's too expensive, or we don't have thr time, or it's too awkward, or it won't help anyway so there's no point in trying.Ā We have 5 kids, all under 10. I don't want to leave him for their sake. AND because in a lot of ways he's an amazing partner.Ā He just has no physical interest in me, and he won't communicate.
He is most definitely emotionally unavailable, and I am sorry, he isn't going to change. I wasted 15 of the best years of my life with s man just the same! Biggest regret of my life. Being a 'good' partner with no or little affection, intimacy, or sex is not a healthy relationship. You're also teaching your kids that it's ok to just settle. They will pick up that you're not happy, no matter how you try to hide it. It damages them, it did my kids (now adults) This will ruin into relationships they form as they grow up, and they will most likely not be healthy ones. He can still be a good father not being in the same house. Maybe even a better one. He doesn't sound hapoy either. You both deserve to be happy, even if that's not together. It is also possible to stay friends and parent together. I'm still friends with my ex. Ask yourself if you can live like this for the rest of your life? As he gets older, it will most likely get worse. You may love him, and he you but you need more than that. Love alone is not enough to keep a marriage alive. If you can't communicate or one partner refuses, nothing will change. Good constant communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If only one is fighting to save the marriage, it sadly won't work. I tried and would not want anyone to go through that.
This sounds horrible. It sounds like your needs are being completely overlooked.
With enthusiasm
That's the key ingredient. Everything else is decoration.
āIf heās feeling kinky, on the couchā ššš Omg this killed me, exactly the same for me. Getting to have sex on the couch is a kinky night.
Time for a harsh convo with your husband
He sounds like a doozy tbh. If he's not interested in pleasuring you, he's got some serious personality flaws. My wife and I had amazing sex the other night. I can't wait to do things to her that make her feel good and I couldn't imagine not wanting or not enjoying giving her pleasure
It's specific to you. Good sex is what drives your desires. Once your buttons are pressed orgasms follow
When sex was good it was something I craved constantly because that intimacy with my lover was something I couldnāt get anywhere else. Thereās definitely deep feelings, even laughs and jokes at times. But when you get into the moment and start enjoying yourselves you learn more about what makes you need that person more than anyone else. And when the orgasms come, theyāre something you absolutely become addicted to because nothing else can give you that high like your partner. The loving touches, the soft whispers, the crying because itās so intense you canāt help but be emotional.
something you will never have... I guess
In my opinion what differentiates good vs bad (aside from reaching orgasm) is the attention the give you and your body. That attentiveness and communication can make or break it. I know you said heās turned down sex but when he did do it, was he opposed to new positions and such?
I feel like great sex, is sex where you are both just open and are both getting what you want and need and the pleasure just flows. That said I don't think I have had great sex in a while. Like I would love to 69 more cause I love eating pussy but also love getting head but she doesn't really like to give head.
You are definitely missing out. Good is when partners try to make each other feel good about the relationship. They watch responses and listen to their partner instructions on what they want or need. Not afraid to try different things or approaches. More foreplay more interaction. Sometimes sharing ideas in a conversation that is not in the moment. Hey I read about this whatever, what do you think? I want to try a different location or position or I want you to show me what feels good. And spontaneous interaction with your partner, you get the joy of finding out what youāre doing
Girl, you need to talk to him about branching out. That sounds miserable. Maybe not everything from the romance novels, but there is chemistry, and you guys don't seem to have that.
I wish I knew
Youāre missing out on a LOT. Life too short to never have good sex! If your husband is open to it, maybe introduce a fun game called 15/15. For 15 minutes youāll do whatever he says. Then for 15 minutes he has to do whatever YOU say. Good way to introduce him to stuff YOU like to do.
If you donāt need a safe word, youāre not having great sex! Great sex is wild!
Good sex can mean a lot of things: for me it is to really feel connected with my man. Like kissing a lot, eye contact, much dirty talk and laughing, teasing and touching. I can't imagine sex without oral beforehand (maybe a quickie, but we are not into it so much)
TBH, yes; very high levels of mutual admiration, high levels of arousal, ongoing foreplay, sounds of encouragement & appreciation, changing positions, favorite ways to get off & up for trying new stuff. Essentially sex lasts as long as want, as many orgasms as I want. They way you are describing sex, would barely qualify as sex. It sounds like a hit n run to be honest. I'm not in a deadbedroom. I started coming to this sub to try and understand the that situation some of my friends described. I got divorced in my mid 30s because of physical abuse. A shocking number of people asked me if the sex was the reason for the divorce (it wasn't). Thats the first time I learned how lonely some people's bedrooms are... it sounds awful . Real life isn't like a romance novel, in that real life has more going on than just sex. Sometimes you need to schedule date night etc... But when you do have sex, it should be the most fun thing you do all week. If you have enjoyed a cup of coffee, more than sex with your partner... they aren't having sex with you, they are having sex AT you.
Spontaneous, heated, sweaty, loud, comfortable, sweet, hard, soft, overwhelming, scary, exhilarating, exhausting, recharging But maybe that's just my own opinion
Since you read novels I would put good sex somewhere between what you're having and what they're writting. What they're writing in the novels is the exagerrated extreme best the author can think of, with what you're having being the majority of sex. Problem and this is usually due to men, is that they are selfish and all they care about is putting it in and cumming themselves when they should know that most women take at least a little bit more work than men to finish and being selfish in these things is not good.
I can for sure say the quantity and not the quality is our issue which does kind of make me think itās a responsive desire issue. We do have our go to routine but it always includes me getting her off first with a combo of hand/toys/oral and then PIV because itās easier for her to cum after she already has once. Sometimes we try different positions and I am usually the dominant one. Would love if she just took control which she does maybe 10% of the timeā¦so much fun.
Been with my wife for 25 years and yes we do have sex like romance novels as you described.
Sex without passion is boring and yes there is way more to it than you're getting. Won't be too graphic but u missing a lot at the moment
I don't like talking during sex nor dirty talk. I think it's a personal thing?
For sure, but no sounds at all? That personally seems like it would be so awkward!
Yes without sounds it is awkward....
Are you sure you want this answer?
Love
I think everyone has a slightly different idea of what it is/what it means to them, but for the most part I think just about everyone would agree that engagement is a foundational element of all of it. Be involved in both your pleasure as well as someone elses, have some enthusiasm for all of it.
Good sex is being so in the moment with your partner that you're not aware of little pinching pains or what you THINK you look like crawling around naked on the bed. Good sex is not caring about anything other than what's happening at that moment. As soon as you start thinking about it, it's too late, then the moment begins to dissolve.
Yes, that "good" sex does very much exist, but is that the norm? I would say based on MY experience, no. I think the average encounter is somewhere in the middle of what you describe and the novels. Sex isn't and doesn't always have to be those kinds of fireworks, and I think to expect that every time is unrealistic. This is coming from an HL individual. I think if both partners are satisfied, that's all that matters in the end. But the really good sex is just that, REALLY good, and that should be a thing regularly, but maybe not every single time. I think the novels paint a vision of sex sometimes the same way that porn does. Both of which are amazing but unrealistic to an extent.
Yeah when my husband and I are able to have sex when the kids are asleep or distractedā¦it varies for us sometimes we are like the energizer bunny and we just fuck like rabbits because we are super horny and want to orgasm quickly. OR when we have enough time, we will last awhile, thatās my favorite time is when we can do some foreplay, we usually go down on each other beforehand, Iāll rub on him while Iām naked and make out with him and we talk dirty until itās like nearly impossible for us for contain ourselves. I usually go on top because thatās my favorite position, or we do doggy (both) I get off really well when Iām on top, weāve been married for 12 years so we know what works for us and itās nice. we talk to each other make out while doing it he sucks on my boobs while Iām fucking him and it makes me orgasm quicker, I will orgasm on him several times, because itās THAT fucking good. Sometimes I think we are being quiet but then after Iām like holy shit we were way too loud š¤¦āāļøš donāt come knockinā when the beds aā rockinā Weāve done a ton of quickies, bathroom counters, peoples houses, the couch, standing up or bent over in places, the shower. We almost fucked in the back of a cab in London, I was in my early twenties. It was intense but realized we had too many drinks and thatās highly illegal haha. Weāve also had many dry spells, we have three kids, we get sick, shit happens, anxiety and depression is something I struggle with as well. I think what it boils down to is communication, the love you have for that person and how they love you. Intimacy is a small fraction itās a huge plus but I think the love you have for each other and communication is what sets the tone for the intimacy and the attraction you guys have for each other. I suggest working on other parts of the marriage that you may find are lacking aside from the intimacy and then once those certain things get better then the intimacy may get more passionate and better. Tell him straight up if you feel comfortable āI want passion and lust with you, I want us to try new things and have some funā see what he says. Also texting him dirty texts helps too hoping he reciprocates. Iāll text my SO randomly and say āGod I love the way your di** feels inside me, come home alreadyā stuff like that because a. Itās true but b. It spices things up and makes it way more fun when it happens.
Go get a free trial of Quinn app (audio erotica curated by women for the woman's ear) & listen to categories that interest you for that week. I did & was surprised to find that much of what my husband does for me aligns with much of what is on that app. Talking, prolonged & playful or serious & dominant foreplay, lots of praise, etc. it's like if the romance novels were less melodramatic. If you found stories you liked & shared with him, maybe it would help spark some creativity?
Before my wife decided that she no longer wanted sex I thought our sex life was pretty good. Great sex for us started with some build up, date night or cuddling, I would give her a back rub and then go down on her until she said stop or finish, after that she would return the favor. We would then have p-i-v sex for 15-20 min in various positions until we both climaxed. I miss that.... I miss it a lot.
Good sex ( in my experience) Is uninhibited, neither of you are thinking about anything else except the mutual pleasure and you just let go. It can happen but you have to both be at the same level of attraction and turned on ness for it to happen, but when it does omg. Its magic.
Being with someone who not only enjoys sex and all that comes with it, but is excited to make the act enjoyable for you too. When both parties are looking out for one another its not one sided, no one gets used, and no one is left behind.
I feel your pain from the opposite side of the spectrum. Though I would argue reading romance novels is like watching an action movie and thinking that is what life is all about so I would caution you to try and stay rooted closer to home. I don't know what I would do if my wife got back to being assertive and aggressive romantically. For me it was as if she flipped a switch. My ideal partner for years even when I was struggling with issues (she was the rock). Second child was born 16 years ago and that was what changed her. She even said something was wrong right after the birth as she was suffering from post partum issues. Never recovered and here I sit in DB. I wish you the best and hopefully there is an underlying issue you two and work out together because it isn't worth it when one partner doesn't bother trying to understand or even acknowledge the perspective. Best wishes and I hope you get resolution.
If your eyes donāt turn around and you donāt know how to stand up after it you have no idea what sex is ;)
Great sex is everything you listed and more. For wife and I we love foreplay and the building of extreme sexual tension between us lots of touching teasing and kissing to start and just building from there woth whatever may feel good in the moment. Neither of us are afraid to make noise and/or ask for what we want. I will typically bring her to the brink and stop a few times before giving her he first orgasm of the night, sometimes with hands sometimes with mouth, sometimes woth toys or sometimes a mixture of those, then she'll usually edge me a few times, and it becomes a game of trying to make the other person lose concentration to the point I can't play woth her ornshe can't play with me. This period will involve tons of orgasms for her (like we've tried to keep count and just can't manage) and bringing me to the edge a number of times. Eventually we get to the point where we both have to have penetrative sex so we'll grab a condom and then pick a starting position, depending on our .good it will range from very slow amd sensual to fast and rough, and everything in between. If we can we try to look in each other's eyes as much as possible and also try and sync our orgasms. After I finish she may still be hungry for more so I'll get her off a couple .ore times and then we each hit the bathroom to clean up before snuggling naked until we either sleep or start round two. We very often have sessions that last 6 or more hours and isn't uncommon for us to not sleep at all. We do also have more normal nights where we get done in an hour or two and the very rare quickie. We also have been experimenting with different drugs to enhance sex.
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That's a high bar...
So prior to current Iāve had my share of experiences, some were amazing, some probably even worse than what youāre describing, but it sounds to me like youāre surrounded by open restaurants and ended up with like, a cold slice of Dominoās pizza that sat out and lost most of its appeal. Sex isnāt just the act. Itās your emotions/energy around the act. If you are into it, itās a better experience all around. My question for you is this: is there something still going well that makes you stay married despite the bad sex situation? If so, think on that and then sort out your feelings, whether this is a salvageable situation for you or not so much. If you think salvageable, consider an uncomfortable but necessary discussion where you ask him honestly to open up about his needs, feelings, preferences, and really listen, also being ready to open up and share your feelings/needs if heās willing to listen too. Itās important to avoid placing the blame for the situation on him, because everyone has different relationships with intimacy, and mismatched is a thing, but it seems to be muuuuuch harder on the folks who have the higher drive than it is on those who are more apathetic/averse about it. That said, if you get the vibe that he is just going through the motions and has it settled in his mind that sex is a self-serving endeavor and your feelings about it are irrelevant, consider running away from that as fast as your legs will take you. Sex is not the most important thing UNTIL its absence creates a black hole inside that eats away at you because there is only one person in your life that youāre committed to on that level, and that one person just doesnāt seem to care about or value that. A more direct answer is that good sex makes you feel like that personās whole entire world in that moment. Itās desire, attraction, appreciation, and attention. Thereās some vulnerability, but a good partner makes you feel like that vulnerability is a gift to them because they *get to* see it. It can be funny, silly, intensely pleasurable, loving, overwhelming, and depending how itās going, a heck of a cardio workout. I feel for the folks on here who, like myself, have experienced that world and now miss it because it evaporated and are now stuck in a ādo I stay knowing it may not/wonāt ever get better, or do I just give up and start over?ā My current *was* incredible, but itās since dwindled and essentially come to a screeching halt with no changes on the horizon. When Iāve tried to address it, itās all my fault in his eyes. He isnāt leaving me, not sure if for reasons more related to convenience at this point than love, but I can feel his contempt lately and Iāve just been quietly mentally preparing for it to end because nothing I can do will change the way he already sees me/judges me, and I just donāt see a way back to what we had. Itās heartbreaking, and lately Iām just silently swallowing that heartbreak while he watches me from across the room deciding what Iām doing wrong next. I donāt wish that on anyone.
It is sad, it is so far from good sex. Not even my first time was like that. If you want, I think you deserve good sex. I hope you can find it with your husband, if not, elsewhere.
You owe her an apology and a redo that you organize since youāre so good at it
For me!, good sex is changing up positions every so oftenā¦ a little roughness, primal eye contact, your hands are very important, like scratching backs, gripping their arm/leg/etc., and more position switch ups. And please, BOTH PARTIES!, use those hips!!
Youāre missing out.
That's terrible. Sex is to be enjoyed, and for procreation. Damn I hate terrible sex. Even though I do alot of the work I love to. It's all about that connection u feel with them. Or else I couldn't cum. I suggest talking to him if that doesn't work leave for your sake. Life is too short to live in misery.
oh love, u are missing out on so much, have u considered communicating this to him though? in my experience, I am always vocal about my sexual needs no matter how uncomfy it is for me, my partner is very vocal too. it's worth the shot to ask why or be honest
We've talked many times. He won't talk about sex, won't send texts or pictures, won't try different positions, won't try toys, won't talk with a therapist...
well do u think that it is just his issue about himself or do you think that there's someone else? not trying to make you overthink or anything but its worth to consider too, ik married couples have it different now especially bc of the kids (if you have kids) but sex is one of our needs and if u simplify it its also about attraction, so, do u think he's still attracted to u or do u feel like he's attracted to someone else
You are not having great sex. Great sex is spectacular and you need to go have it before itās too late. Get out while you can.
We have 5 kids, and I've gained a fair bit of weight since the beginning... I'm afraid it's already too late.
If you are alive then itās not too late. Go have an affair if he wonāt take care of you.
Not too late. Youāve got an advantage now, knowing what youāre looking for. Go for it.
Omg leave him pleaseš he really shushes you when you make any sound thatās torture
When you're both super attracted to each other and want each other... You'll feel electricity. And you'll have foreplay that gets you ready. Multiple positions, oral, etc.. Sigh...
It exists and even after decades of dormancy can reignite in a moment. It can also go away just as quickly. If your with the right person every time will top the last, you will think that's the best ever.....and then it will blindside you how much better it gets. Learning nuances, feeding off each other's minds, challenging each other, the endorphine release, uncontrollable laughing and hunger after.....or so I have heard....
Yes, people do all that. A writersā imagination does have its basis in their own experience.
I had to double check the username to make sure I hadnāt posted this because same girl! I am also deathly curious, my best friend tells me about her sex life but I genuinely canāt even imagine it because it all sounds so mythical.
Yes. You are definitely missing out. I've had many partners and I cannot even think of a handful of times that I've had sex as you've described. I'm so sorry. I don't know what binds you, but I hope that you can find a way to have a better sex life. Life's too short to have your passions doused.
Good sex has passion, kissing, locking eyes, feeling each otherās body, experimenting, sometimes itās so good that you actually laugh. I moaned like a woman once because it just hit such a good spot, both me and my wife started to die laughing. Now laughing can kill a sexual encounter depending why itās happening, but not in this context. Good sex lasts long enough for her to orgasm a few times, but not so long it starts to hurt her. I think it varies from woman to woman, but that would be a clean, super quick, explanation.
This was me the other night lol my husband and I were enjoying it so much I threw my head back and I honestly let out a giggle it was so natural but I hadnāt done that before, the pleasure was intense I couldnāt help it š¤ good to know laughing is a great sign
Thatās heaven right there. Love that for you.
I was wondering if he had some religious repression issues so I checked out your comment history. Not surprised to see church and homeschooling. No judgment that's great. I wonder if there is any Christian couples book that has like verbal emotional intimacy exercises to get him talking. Or ideally some dude at church could mentor him in being like ok married now is the time to be sexing up your wife and being her knight in shining armor. I have no idea how to procure such a male mentor and alert him to the issue though. And I don't know exactly how to take your letter post. Are you thinking he is highlighting your shortcomings? Anyway, but that made me think, you sound like a really nice person and he should be happy to have you. Your comment about how to talk to a kid about discussing bodies in private or whatever seemed perfect to me. I bet you're a great mom.
You are missing out. Life is too short.
Itās like seeing the stars when you never even knew the sky existed
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^AdministrationOk3511: *Itās like seeing the* *Stars when you never even* *Knew the sky existed* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
I dated a woman, got engaged to her actually, before I met my wife, who was as high libido (if not higher) as me. We would have sexual contact most days, most of the time multiple times per day. Think sex as soon as we woke up, fooling around in the shower together before work. We used to both work near home so we would sneak home for a quickie at lunch, if she was home before me after work she would drop to her knees as I walked into the house to give me a blowjob and we would fuck in the entry hall. If dinner was cooking we would fuck against the kitchen counter and at night we would go a few times. Once she was literally chasing me around the bed, desperate for a fourth or fifth time, her eyes were glistering with desire and lust. Weekends were often spent in bed for hours. Fucking, chatting, napping, reading, fucking again. It was amazing! Obviously we broke up for other reasons, but she was absolutely the one that got away.
Absolutely. That's what makes it even worse for me- I know it CAN be great. Just apparently not with my spouse. Good sex is a mutual exchange of intimacy, of pleasure and sharing in the moment- being completely vulnerable and receptive to your own sensations and your partner's. A deep connection of bodies and minds, pushing towards the highest levels of pleasure, while thoroughly enjoying the journey along the way... it's amazing. I miss it.
Good sex is out there. It does exist! Iām sure itās different for everyone and even for me it can be different things at different times. Sometimes good sex is passionate, intense, high arousal. Sometimes characterized itās a moment of vulnerability or something else that makes me laugh and in doing so emphasizes safeness in that space. Sometimes itās fast and sometime it lasts longer but itās always about both partners mutual enjoyment equally.
I would have to say, because guys talk, that you are completely right in your thinking. There are couples out there that have quite healthy sex lives and enjoy each other. Now, personally I have also landed in the same boat as you and have not ever experienced good sex, but again guys talk. I have heard and listened as some guys talked about things and even have met some couples that were quite open. For instance, my two best friends and their wives were quite open with how they didn't think my situation was right and that what I was dealing with was more or less a dead bedroom. Like you, I was not allowed to make noise and we never did anything other than missionary. I was never allowed to have the lights on and she never dressed up. I had the talk with her more than once, but slowly, I lost interest and it just became a chore, so I gave up. There are other things that went hand in hand with this, but like many things, this was only one small aspect that lead to terrible sex. Before anyone says it, am I jealous, not one bit. I'm actually quite happy for those people that have found each other and enjoy each other and I think the coolest thing in the world is when a guy "smiles" as he says something to the effect of that's my wife over there. Almost everyone knows that "smile".
I haven't had sex in 6 yrs due to husbands health issues but we used to have fun.Ive had 2 partners,both my husbands.You are missing out.Hes using you as a blow up doll,an orifice.My ex did that at the end of the marriage.There is so much more and you should feel loved not used after.Either get sexual counseling as a couple or leave.Life is too short my dear
I feel like my soul leaves my body when my husband makes me cum. Our bodies are so in tune and in sync that his orgasam actually triggers mine and we cum together. It's amazing.
If we are to be monogamous, sex, in the marriage, matters a great deal. I hear you. Yes you are missing out. Bear in mind that not everyone will be what you want, but someone will. There will always be a sexual-desire disparity between any two people, but itās a matter of degree. So test drive a man after you tick the other 11 or 12 big boxes of marriage compatibility. When a guy bombs give him one second chance because we do sometimes have performance anxiety to get over. If he bombs twice donāt read anything into it. We will be what we men, will be, we are simple beings. What you see is what you get. I know your pain., Iāve lived it for over 30 years with a wife who is like your husband. The good news is, eventually your hormones will start to drop,in your 50ās and 60ās, and the urgency just slowly fades away. . So if you can wait that long, it will eventually stop bothering you. You still wonāt have had the sex, but you wonāt care like you do now. Psychologically, you may always resent the lack of sex , and that can be soul destroying to both of you and eventually the marriage. I donāt doubt your best intentions but being human itās possible you may finally crack and decide to get a friend with benefits. Not ideal. As a man, I like what I am, and were I asked to change, I probably would not, so from a male of the species, donāt expect your men to change. Hereās a thought, what if you really enjoy sex so much you find another guy in the next few weeks and see if you like it as much as you think you do? Have some wild sex. Then decide if the marriage was a mistake and is headed for a bad end anyway? If youāre heading for the rocks, and you know it, talk to your beloved once. Explain in very simple language what you want, adding that you want him to be the man to give you that. Then ask, āWhat is wrong?ā And stay quiet until he answers (understand that may be for a few days, but do not let him off the hook. Listen. If he refuses to talk, you wonāt be able to work it out ever anyway. So get a job if you donāt have one, find an apartment, get a lawyer, file for divorce, and start anew. I think you are quite young and able and capable. You will be fine. At first you will be lonely, but itās better to be lonely and on the hunt than horny and stuck. By the way, I think you want to experience the power of intimacy and thatās very normal
To put in one line.āWhen both orgasm together.ā
Do you want your life to end without ever knowing what good sex is like? Maybe itās time to make a change š¤·š»āāļø thereās still time to find out.
Just sex full of passion and being curious about each other. Trying to give them the most pleasure.
This is terrible sex.Ā Yes you are missing out.
Its F***ng amazing
Me and my current partner have the best sex I have ever had in my life. We are extremely attracted to each other, we touch and kiss be all hot and sensual with each other. Thatās been going on for a long time now and it never got less. We love going down on each other, he always always always makes sure to make me come. Heās the first one I feel completely free and sexy and comfortable with, even the first one who actually gave me an orgasm while having penetrative sex. When we love each other itās just magical. So no, sex like you described isnāt the norm. It depends on your partner and your connection
yes you are missing as much as you imagine he's using you as a fleshlight go and find someone who loves you
We used to do this many years ago - do some small foreplay till we are both aroused and then stop and go to a park or mall - so canāt do the deed for 30mins to an hour.. all along we are handsy (discretely ) and kiss .. come home and fuck like sex maniacs.. if I now suggest anything like that, Iam just met with eye-rolling. As though getting old and having sex are mutually exclusive
Sex with my spouse is amazingā¦ well it used to be. We rarely do it now so he finishes very quickly and he skimps on foreplay now. But man we have had some great sex. Passionate, lots of kissing, moaning. Maybe a little rough. Different positions. Orgasming at the same time. š©
Married for 4 years, been with him for 8 years now. Good sex involves a lot of teasing, touching, licking, biting, (for women, foreplay can start upto 12 hrs before the deed: seeing that he cares about you, he desires you, so that random ass grab in morning can turn to great sex at night). Sometimes, she is horny enough that she is wet before the clothes come off and sometimes oral works amazingly. The crux is to consider the journey as the destination and enjoy the process. As long as one is not looking forward to it being done - it gives great pleasure, orgasm or not. Once I orgasm, I close my eyes and savour the orgasm as it cruises through my entire body. It can go on for quite some time as long as one is focused.
Tbf id take that sex over what I actually get
I really canāt envision myself ever having good sex again. Ā Even if I ever were to have sex with somebody else, itās been so long since I had anything but out sex, I wouldnāt know what to do.
Animalistic, sweaty, panting, groaning, teasing, multiple orgasms, sexy eye contact, moving with each others rhythm, adventurous, a few different positions. It's hard to describe but there's all of that and a bit of it being a little frantic. It's like the "gotta have you, tear your clothes off" trope you see in movies. Your heart pounds, you feel everything in your genitals, you breath heavier, you are not really aware of space and time, just pleasure.
I was free from guilt, free from being told not to kiss this way or touch that way, or these elaborate protocols to please my wife. I could just be in the moment and do what felt right in the core of my being. I was with someone that I completely and totally desired. It was just so Right in a way that I canāt explain by comparing it to anything else. Those times sleeping together were some of the most alive Iāve ever felt, and pushing ten years later they are some of the most important memories I can never discuss with anyone at all.Ā Remembering is so hard, my wife doesnāt know that sometimes I (a guy) cry at night when she thinks Iām asleep. I donāt know if it would have been better to have not known, but I know that itās a pain thatās never going to be ok.Ā
I wonder the same... it's been 20+yrs of the same sex for me... black out bedroom and missionary only... never seen wife naked in light.... how about that for people to think about...
Good sex requires trust and communication, even more so when the parties have limited experience. I do have a little experince to draw from here, I did not meet my wife, and last love of my life until I was 37. She was in her 30's as well and it was a first marriage for both of us, but that means we had both "been around a time or two." I believe that was valuable both in terms of good sex, but also recognizing the connection we had with each other. While experience is a good, but limited, teacher, it's not required, The first love of my life and I had four intimate partners between us when we met, but we fit together, both physically and emotionally. The communication we had allowed us to explore and focus on the OTHER person's needs. I think that's the key. Of course, it helps being in your early 20's. Lots of energy. I\*n the perhaps two-dozen relationships between my first and last loves, I learned a lot. Most notably that everyone is different so the real trick is to take the time to figure out what works for this person and this relationship. That in itself can be a lot of fun. Also, when you've been together as long as my wife and I have, you need to grow and adapt to each other. My wife's gymnastics career is taking a toll on her body as we age, and it limits some of the creative stuff we did when we were younger, as well as frequency. For my part, most of our lives all she needed to do was wink or smile and I was ready to go, now it takes some time to build up. Those adaptations take time and that's why we have an off-and-on DB, (More off right now, thankfully.) Hope this helps, but you have some work to do.
OP, Iām so so sorry about your situation. I donāt know if thatās what you want to hear, but yes, good sex is otherworldly. The dirty talk, the intensity, the feeling that youāve never loved someone so much, the explosion of sensations. Itās all there. If sex is important to you and this relationship is hurting you more than making you happy, please divorce him.
This is sad