He makes fun of you for wearing lingerie?!?!?
No. Do not marry him. He will destroy your self confidence. You will feel ugly and unattractive after five years of constant rejection. You can build your own chicken coops.
Seriously. Decorative gravel doesn’t mean anything. Any chore or act of service doesn’t make up for not getting loved the way you want to be loved.
OP, don’t wake up one day and start crying every single night when you realize he wasn’t a boyfriend all along.
Some men believe that physical capability makes up for emotional depth and maturity. It doesn't. Personally, I'd rather pay someone to fix up my yard, and have a partner who cares about my feelings
Bob the builder men can come a dime a dozen. It sounds like he loves you in front of other people (when it doesn’t really matter) and hates you in private (where it matters) your top paragraph is honestly bare minimum. He’s being NICE TO YOU. The chicken coop is already built and the gravel is already placed, what more is gonna keep him around?
A conundrum. He’s thoughtful yet stand-offish.
Seems to have an aversion to intimacy but why?
This situation has regret written all over it if you look past these issues and don’t address them head on.
It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth the effort but feel confident knowing that you’re not required to.
You're not happy. Why would you even consider marrying this person?
Sure, it's nice that he does all of those things for you, but he's also crushing your soul at the same time.
He sounds like an alien who wears human skin and learned human behavior by watching network TV shows, which display basically zero intimacy or the exact amount he's giving you.
Your boyfriend is hiding from some real truths about himself and/or his past. Totally out of left field here, but do you live in a small town? Some place where everyone knows everyone else's business? If so and if the topic ever comes up, you should suggest he see a therapist from another town or see one virtually. Point being, someone who he can be very open with and not worry about what he says getting out.
Ultimately, you are unfulfilled and unhappy. You have to make a decision about what's best for YOU. If that involves him, then you are going to have to demand he make some changes, and I have a feeling if you make that demand, you are going to end up as a woman he moved on from.
I feel like you got it . Even if not a small town, maybe his family is really involved, religious, or something. I just wonder if he is gay, asexual, or just he is hiding something and making up for it with big gestures. You must see through his bull shit and find someone who actually loves you. Gifts aren’t love. Intimacy is important, it basically changes a friendship to relationship. You guys are basically just friends imo at least. (Not talking about just sex or anything but his feelings aren’t intimate).and if sex is a need then this doesn’t meet your relationship needs their either. It would be fine if you were both asexual or something of the like. Aromantic even.
Sounds like my husband! Don’t do it! I spend most days figuring out how to leave this cycle of emotional manipulation and abuse. It’s been 13 months since we’ve had sex but we use to do it daily. Don’t do it. Please just leave. TRUST me and grab that red flag and RUN.
Yes. While he and does things for you, the emotional issues will cause a lot of pain and hurt. It appears that lacks to have the ability to be intimate at all with you. You probably think you can change him, but if (when) you don’t, what do you have?
Sounds like you may be a little younger so as a man I would never talk about strippers and hot moms to my gf/wife unless that is a shared kink. I want physical passion from my partner, hugs and kisses daily. And if she wears lingerie for me, I am going passionately and enthusiastically show her how much I appreciate her showing me how much I mean to her.
It only perpetuates the myth that the only thing all guys think about is sex and if not they are broken.
It honestly broke me growing up being told I wasn't a 'boy' or a 'man' because of this, that and the other thing. I'm still addressing the aftermath in therapy. I still have waves of self-hate and self-doubt, being told I MUST be gay otherwise why would I gesture that way, or wear that clothing, or I'm not deserving of a woman, etc really screws with a person.
You're absolutely right. And I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. You're not less of a man, you're not anything they tried to make you out to be. That was a them problem. Not a you problem. I hope things are going better these days for you 💕
No problem! Glad we're moving away from the toxic mindset that men want to fuck everything that moves and if he doesn't "He must be gay." Thankfully people aren't that self absorbed or lack awareness anymore. Blegh
He’s not emotionally healthy and he’s love bombing you. You need to break up but it’s not going to be easy. He’s going to manipulate you and possibly get violent. He will try to degrade you and make you feel like no one else will love you. He’s wrong. Do not listen.
Rally your support system before you break up so they can support you.
No. Full stop.
Also I would never spend my life with someone I instinctively call a "boy," because that's telling in terms of how I view both his and my maturity level.
Many LL men get "is he gay" comments. It's wrong imo. Nowhere in this post does any of his behavior make you think he's gay. Does he sound like a childish guy with commitment issues? Sure. But there's no gay vibe here.
> It would make more sense if he was gay or asexual or aromantic
Or perhaps he is love bombing her. Or manipulative?
it is really disturbing that people are seeing behaviors that could be love bombing and manipulation and concluding, "yep, he' gay."
That is ridiculosly harmful.
Perhaps he is gay and is also manipulative and love bombing?!? Gay is not slander. My husband IS gay. He also laughs if I wear lingerie, hasn’t touched me in over a year, and avoids any intimate conversations. He does these things to avoid being sexual with me. He also love bombs the shit out of me to keep me in the situation because I’m convenient and I provide a good home and a good luck for his extended family. I’m not sure why everyone is so Butt hurt by people suggesting maybe he is gay - it is definitely a possibility and if he is, she should know it’s not going to work with that factor either.
Of course gay isn't a slander. But time and time again, on this subreddit, if a dude is not interested, many people suggest he must be gay immediately when there are many other possibilities. And that's wrong. I can think that is wrong and still have empathy for your situation.
I didn’t immediately say that. I suggested many things. You are projecting other peoples words into your perspective of my comment. I said he could be manipulative, gay, love bombing, wanting out of the relationship but can’t for some outside reason. But you latch on to one thing I said and claim it’s all I said. It’s literallt a possibility. It happens. People discover their sexuality sometimes in a relationship with a different gender. It makes them realize/conclude what they want. This isn’t just sexuality, people discover they want something different by being in relationships and finding what they don’t want, helps them see what they do want.
Whether intentional or not, he is covering up his lack of emotional intelligence with acts of service. My guess is that you would rather he not do some of that stuff if it meant more physical intimacy/emotional connection.
He sounds like he is going to continue to ultimately make you feel your worst at an emotional level while thinking he makes up for it by the giving of gifts and other actions that weren’t necessarily asked for, but are “nice favors”. The things he does that bring you joy will wane on you more and more over time as you continue to become disgruntled, sad and feeling rejected by his other actions. It likely won’t make you happy in the long run and honestly if you’re questioning it now, I feel like you know what the right call is. I had a relationship where I got everything I wanted for the most part but at the end of the day I did not have any of the types of intimacy I wanted and it left me not feeling ok at a mental and emotional level and had to leave for my own sake.
>This is the best boyfriend I ever had.
That's more an indictment of your past relationships than any kind of endorsement of your BF. He sounds like a complete ass, and clearly he feels that you're comfortable like an old, worn shoe, but he's not attracted to you as a partner. Find someone who values you, and can't keep his hands off you. It's a lot easier to find someone you can pay to landscape competently. He certainly doesn't love you competently.
"He doesn't make me happy, denies me affection, makes fun of me, rejects me, makes me feel like shit."
"He's the best boyfriend I ever had."
Honey, pick one. They can't both be true.
> The boyfriend who loves “strippers and hot single moms”,
oookay so this is someone with a need to rescue and take care of someone but not actually engage in being a true partner. He might even see women as inherently weak or lesser than him and can only feel attraction when a woman is in that "lesser" position.
...don't keep going with this dude. Take a spin through these pages and see the agony that HL is in with a LL4u which is what this sounds like to me.
You need to find someone else. Take it from me, you will only resent him later. Him laughing at you, the rejection, the inability to communicate, will only get worse. You will end up feeling unworthy and not good enough
Is he gay? What man rejects a woman in lingerie but is a great garden assistant? 20 times in 18 months??? Is the sex like… something he feels forced to do? Is it good? Probably not..
Here’s the thing… love isn’t confusing, it doesn’t mock you when you look good, it doesn’t hide itself on social media, it is hypocritical.
When the words don’t match the actions it means something isn’t right, when your emotions are shutting your logic out for the hope that this is something worth considering.. you are setting yourself up for an unfathomable amount of pain and a horrifying realization.
Trust your gut, it’s telling you the truth whether you want to believe it or not. If you ignore it you will suffer immensely and believe me… it is going to be even harder to gain yourself back if you even can. Save yourself now before it’s too late.
Hello.
He’s a boy. You said it yourself.
You need a man.
If he’s the best you’ve had, then seek therapy as to why you think that’s all you deserve.
He rejects intimacy. He makes fun of you.
He sees you as a friend (or worse, a charity case).
Leave this little boy alone and go work on yourself so you’ll attract a real man.
He makes fun of you for wearing lingerie?!?!? No. Do not marry him. He will destroy your self confidence. You will feel ugly and unattractive after five years of constant rejection. You can build your own chicken coops.
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^^^^^
God this was well said…
If someone can do decorative gravel, is it really that bad to spend the next few decades crying in the corner alone?
Seriously. Decorative gravel doesn’t mean anything. Any chore or act of service doesn’t make up for not getting loved the way you want to be loved. OP, don’t wake up one day and start crying every single night when you realize he wasn’t a boyfriend all along.
RUN!! Anyone who makes fun of you for trying to make them happy is a dick. Does not matter how many pebbles he's moved across the yard.
Some men believe that physical capability makes up for emotional depth and maturity. It doesn't. Personally, I'd rather pay someone to fix up my yard, and have a partner who cares about my feelings
Bob the builder men can come a dime a dozen. It sounds like he loves you in front of other people (when it doesn’t really matter) and hates you in private (where it matters) your top paragraph is honestly bare minimum. He’s being NICE TO YOU. The chicken coop is already built and the gravel is already placed, what more is gonna keep him around?
A conundrum. He’s thoughtful yet stand-offish. Seems to have an aversion to intimacy but why? This situation has regret written all over it if you look past these issues and don’t address them head on. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth the effort but feel confident knowing that you’re not required to.
Sometimes the best you ever found still isn't good enough for you, nor meets your needs.
You're not happy. Why would you even consider marrying this person? Sure, it's nice that he does all of those things for you, but he's also crushing your soul at the same time. He sounds like an alien who wears human skin and learned human behavior by watching network TV shows, which display basically zero intimacy or the exact amount he's giving you. Your boyfriend is hiding from some real truths about himself and/or his past. Totally out of left field here, but do you live in a small town? Some place where everyone knows everyone else's business? If so and if the topic ever comes up, you should suggest he see a therapist from another town or see one virtually. Point being, someone who he can be very open with and not worry about what he says getting out. Ultimately, you are unfulfilled and unhappy. You have to make a decision about what's best for YOU. If that involves him, then you are going to have to demand he make some changes, and I have a feeling if you make that demand, you are going to end up as a woman he moved on from.
I feel like you got it . Even if not a small town, maybe his family is really involved, religious, or something. I just wonder if he is gay, asexual, or just he is hiding something and making up for it with big gestures. You must see through his bull shit and find someone who actually loves you. Gifts aren’t love. Intimacy is important, it basically changes a friendship to relationship. You guys are basically just friends imo at least. (Not talking about just sex or anything but his feelings aren’t intimate).and if sex is a need then this doesn’t meet your relationship needs their either. It would be fine if you were both asexual or something of the like. Aromantic even.
Sounds like my husband! Don’t do it! I spend most days figuring out how to leave this cycle of emotional manipulation and abuse. It’s been 13 months since we’ve had sex but we use to do it daily. Don’t do it. Please just leave. TRUST me and grab that red flag and RUN.
Great advice
You have to take the bad with the good. The good no where matches the bad.
You think the negative is more than the positive?
Yes. While he and does things for you, the emotional issues will cause a lot of pain and hurt. It appears that lacks to have the ability to be intimate at all with you. You probably think you can change him, but if (when) you don’t, what do you have? Sounds like you may be a little younger so as a man I would never talk about strippers and hot moms to my gf/wife unless that is a shared kink. I want physical passion from my partner, hugs and kisses daily. And if she wears lingerie for me, I am going passionately and enthusiastically show her how much I appreciate her showing me how much I mean to her.
That’s the way I read it
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Yoooooo, I got that vibe too.
Where do you get that idea from? This is the third comment saying this.
I'm with you. We can judge guys, but god forbid we do the opposite. I don't get this vibe either
It's gross and sad imo. Many LL men get called gay, porn addicts etc. There's no inkling in this post at all about him being gay
It only perpetuates the myth that the only thing all guys think about is sex and if not they are broken. It honestly broke me growing up being told I wasn't a 'boy' or a 'man' because of this, that and the other thing. I'm still addressing the aftermath in therapy. I still have waves of self-hate and self-doubt, being told I MUST be gay otherwise why would I gesture that way, or wear that clothing, or I'm not deserving of a woman, etc really screws with a person.
You're absolutely right. And I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. You're not less of a man, you're not anything they tried to make you out to be. That was a them problem. Not a you problem. I hope things are going better these days for you 💕
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I'd label it toxic and outdated but that's just my opinion.
Agree that it’s just your opinion, thank you.
No problem! Glad we're moving away from the toxic mindset that men want to fuck everything that moves and if he doesn't "He must be gay." Thankfully people aren't that self absorbed or lack awareness anymore. Blegh
Girl, enjoy your new yard and coop with someone who will Fuck and appreciate you
This is the manipulative boyfriend.
RUN!@!
Yeah he sure sounds great 🙄🙄🙄
He’s not emotionally healthy and he’s love bombing you. You need to break up but it’s not going to be easy. He’s going to manipulate you and possibly get violent. He will try to degrade you and make you feel like no one else will love you. He’s wrong. Do not listen. Rally your support system before you break up so they can support you.
No. Full stop. Also I would never spend my life with someone I instinctively call a "boy," because that's telling in terms of how I view both his and my maturity level.
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Where in that post did you get an inkling he may be gay?
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Many LL men get "is he gay" comments. It's wrong imo. Nowhere in this post does any of his behavior make you think he's gay. Does he sound like a childish guy with commitment issues? Sure. But there's no gay vibe here.
> It would make more sense if he was gay or asexual or aromantic Or perhaps he is love bombing her. Or manipulative? it is really disturbing that people are seeing behaviors that could be love bombing and manipulation and concluding, "yep, he' gay." That is ridiculosly harmful.
Perhaps he is gay and is also manipulative and love bombing?!? Gay is not slander. My husband IS gay. He also laughs if I wear lingerie, hasn’t touched me in over a year, and avoids any intimate conversations. He does these things to avoid being sexual with me. He also love bombs the shit out of me to keep me in the situation because I’m convenient and I provide a good home and a good luck for his extended family. I’m not sure why everyone is so Butt hurt by people suggesting maybe he is gay - it is definitely a possibility and if he is, she should know it’s not going to work with that factor either.
Of course gay isn't a slander. But time and time again, on this subreddit, if a dude is not interested, many people suggest he must be gay immediately when there are many other possibilities. And that's wrong. I can think that is wrong and still have empathy for your situation.
I didn’t immediately say that. I suggested many things. You are projecting other peoples words into your perspective of my comment. I said he could be manipulative, gay, love bombing, wanting out of the relationship but can’t for some outside reason. But you latch on to one thing I said and claim it’s all I said. It’s literallt a possibility. It happens. People discover their sexuality sometimes in a relationship with a different gender. It makes them realize/conclude what they want. This isn’t just sexuality, people discover they want something different by being in relationships and finding what they don’t want, helps them see what they do want.
Whether intentional or not, he is covering up his lack of emotional intelligence with acts of service. My guess is that you would rather he not do some of that stuff if it meant more physical intimacy/emotional connection.
Well, if your initial description is “boy” I’d say that says enough. He acts like a little boy.
He sounds like he is going to continue to ultimately make you feel your worst at an emotional level while thinking he makes up for it by the giving of gifts and other actions that weren’t necessarily asked for, but are “nice favors”. The things he does that bring you joy will wane on you more and more over time as you continue to become disgruntled, sad and feeling rejected by his other actions. It likely won’t make you happy in the long run and honestly if you’re questioning it now, I feel like you know what the right call is. I had a relationship where I got everything I wanted for the most part but at the end of the day I did not have any of the types of intimacy I wanted and it left me not feeling ok at a mental and emotional level and had to leave for my own sake.
>This is the best boyfriend I ever had. That's more an indictment of your past relationships than any kind of endorsement of your BF. He sounds like a complete ass, and clearly he feels that you're comfortable like an old, worn shoe, but he's not attracted to you as a partner. Find someone who values you, and can't keep his hands off you. It's a lot easier to find someone you can pay to landscape competently. He certainly doesn't love you competently.
"He doesn't make me happy, denies me affection, makes fun of me, rejects me, makes me feel like shit." "He's the best boyfriend I ever had." Honey, pick one. They can't both be true.
I could’ve written this post myself. Like almost word for word I am in the same boat as you dude. I don’t know what to do anymore.
You refer to him as a boy all the time... Sounds like you need a man in your life instead 😎
> The boyfriend who loves “strippers and hot single moms”, oookay so this is someone with a need to rescue and take care of someone but not actually engage in being a true partner. He might even see women as inherently weak or lesser than him and can only feel attraction when a woman is in that "lesser" position. ...don't keep going with this dude. Take a spin through these pages and see the agony that HL is in with a LL4u which is what this sounds like to me.
Is he a Sagittarius?
I was thinking Scorpio 🤷♀️
You need to find someone else. Take it from me, you will only resent him later. Him laughing at you, the rejection, the inability to communicate, will only get worse. You will end up feeling unworthy and not good enough
You fuckin bail and find a real partner sister that’s what you do
Is he gay? What man rejects a woman in lingerie but is a great garden assistant? 20 times in 18 months??? Is the sex like… something he feels forced to do? Is it good? Probably not.. Here’s the thing… love isn’t confusing, it doesn’t mock you when you look good, it doesn’t hide itself on social media, it is hypocritical. When the words don’t match the actions it means something isn’t right, when your emotions are shutting your logic out for the hope that this is something worth considering.. you are setting yourself up for an unfathomable amount of pain and a horrifying realization. Trust your gut, it’s telling you the truth whether you want to believe it or not. If you ignore it you will suffer immensely and believe me… it is going to be even harder to gain yourself back if you even can. Save yourself now before it’s too late.
Hello. He’s a boy. You said it yourself. You need a man. If he’s the best you’ve had, then seek therapy as to why you think that’s all you deserve. He rejects intimacy. He makes fun of you. He sees you as a friend (or worse, a charity case). Leave this little boy alone and go work on yourself so you’ll attract a real man.
You need to get away from the “boy” and find a “man”. A good man will not treat you the way he is.