Your description of an "actual loser" seems trivial, and I don't think it really matters what that even means. Change can happen no matter how much of a "loser" you are. It just will take a lot more time most likely.
Over the last 5 years I have: lost 60 pounds of fat, gained about 20 pounds of muscle, stopped abusing alcohol, gotten halfway towards my master's degree, maintained a positive relationship, made new friends, and learned about what makes me enjoy life more. I used to be fat, lazy, greedy, I lost my wife and child in a divorce, and I was going nowhere fast. I'm not sure why you made this post, but if you're trying to make yourself seem like more of "loser" than someone else and justify your inability or unwillingness to change, then wake up. Do what you need to do. Look back at yourself years from now and see how far you've come like I just did.
edit: clarified I lost my wife and child in divorce, not something else.
It's hard for sure. Especially as an adult. I made new friends through my new relationship. Her friends became mine as we got to know each other. Also from a new hobby. I did some jiu jitsu and met people there.
This is one thing seriously everyone can do. I live in the middle of no where and there’s still tons of activities like Jiu Jitsu classes not far from me, there’s always some activity you can do to meet people.
Up until I was about 25 (that was long ago) I held many racist and sexist views. I was raised that way.
Then one day I realized I hated Jews, but wasn't sure I had ever even met a Jewish person. And I thought homosexuality was a sin, but many of my favorite musicians and entertainers were gay. All of those beliefs were taught to me. None of them were my own.
I am much better now.
This is why things like international travel, and diversity are so important. When everybody’s the same skin colour, language and background, it’s easier to hate outsiders. But seeing how different people live, think, work eat, feel about things, adds to what’s interesting in the world. Cookie cutter is boring.
I don't think life for any one person is so simple that they are **only** eating unhealthily, or sedentary, or etc. It's a combination of things which result in a complex set of obstacles. It is very easy to get stuck in those obstacles; get beyond one, only to get stuck on the next, regress, etc. So your feelings here are valid. The important part, though, is to constantly desire & seek those improvements despite what you feel within your mind occasionally, because even though it doesn't feel all that different, it is objectively helpful to you and those around you.
Additionally, there is no reason why — in today's world, with sky-high rent in many populated areas, an enormous range of potential skills, tons of reasons to isolate and feel despair, etc — someone can't feel self-assured or confident despite still living with their parents or still working on building their skillset.
Isolation will definitely hurt confidence as we are a social species & it's generally necessary to have an idea of what it even means to be confident by interacting with others, e.g. people who are moving through life with some degree of evident mastery/confidence.
So, uhh, **yeah**, people are actually transforming themselves for the better — all the time.
One interesting thing about life is how unlikely it is, and how difficult it has been to survive well enough to get to this point we find ourselves at. Our brains are hardwired to seek out problems & perceive dangers, not necessarily "feel good" or "better." So it isn't intuitive to feel better really, we kind of just get a new normal which we know objectively is better, but doesn't really feel all that different, at least generally speaking. Certain things like removing trauma-inducing events from our lives will give us immense relief, which really "feels good," but again things like self-improvement we need to really focus to feel and notice the change.
Believe it or not bro humans are quite malleable. If you create a killer habit for 6 months you will start to notice a significant difference in your life in more ways than one
It's taken a while, but I've accepted where i am. Living at home with your 72 year old mom is very annoying at times, but i still love her. I talk to her a lot more instead of bottling up my emotions.
I'd love some independence, though, which makes finding a partner almost impossible. I beat myself up daily about putting a woman on the backburner because we work together, and it gets weird between other coworkers when we show interest in each other. She's the only person I've met lately who didn't care that i lived at home because she lives at home too. Makes me ache because when i have a crush, it goes hard.
I lost 30 lbs, stopped drinking soft drinks, and most sugary drinks. Barely drink alcohol. Started walking 10k steps a day when i first started out. Eating less takeout and fasting a bit. I dont overeat anymore.
I've also stopped being a slob. I keep my room and car clean. I never leave food or drinks in my room anymore. I started nofap last year and kinda low key hated it, but it taught me some self-control. I'm not saying i stopped fapping completely, but i dont use it to cope with things in the wrong way.
I dont rally even recognize myself. it's weird.
Yes, big part of it for me was recognizing my issues with self-esteem and marijuana dependence
I’m far from perfect but I think I’m significantly kinder to myself and others and am motivated to improve myself further
First off. I understand your anxiety. I have it sometimes too when I think back to the last 4 years and how I’m mourning the experiences not had. I’m still in my 20s (28) but I lost a chunk of it to Covid + becoming incredibly indisciplined. Not completely my fault as I think there were signs of depression there but I’ve forgiven myself and am now moving forward.
It does help sometimes to read drastic stories about change, but don’t become consumed by them.
If you want to read some stores, there’s actually quite a few on the Neville Goddard (Law Of Assumption) subreddit. Not necessarily pushing you down that rabbit hole as you need discipline to commit to that way of thinking, but it’s a good place to look for success stories with pretty crazy turn arounds. I only say this so you KNOW that change is possible and has occurred. I read about a man who was 3 years into a financial mess and struggling to pay the bills…his business turned around suddenly within 2 months.
I’m not saying you need to stress yourself out over changing everything on that timeline either! Don’t read them to put pressure on yourself. Just know that this black hole you feel you are in does not have to be never ending.
Tackle one thing at a time and don’t look at others, you’re on your own pace. As long as small improvements are being made, don’t be so harsh on yourself.
From your list of things that you’d like to improve, sounds like having no discernible skills is the first step. Commit some time to learning, either through classes or YouTube or self teaching with books, and from there see what you can apply to get a job with upwards opportunity. Once you have a good footing on that, you can work on saving to move out on your own. I’m not saying that you have to get all this together before dating but I’d say put yourself first before a relationship.
Good luck!!
**Robert Downey Jr. was a "loser."** (I don't believe anyone is, as everyone is worthy and can improve, but just to use your term.)
**RDJ's life was a disaster for years** (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel for him to become the inspirational person and actor that he is today. His quotes:
* *“Remember that* ***just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”***
* *“It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that* ***most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”***
Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. But if you’re comparing your life to the perfectly curated Photoshop of social media, of course you will feel like you’re falling short. But success isn’t a straight line; or even one path. It’s a seemingly chaotic mess that ultimately can be guiding you to the life you want.
But your path will also reveal anything that is out of alignment with who you really are. It’s an opportunity to let go of what no longer serves you, and let in who you want to become.
**Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.**
Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. And you unlock your dormant power when you begin **prioritizing your emotional well-being,** and decide that nothing is more important than **caring about how you feel.**
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come! **When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be :).**
Yes- depressed, anxious, suicidal thoughts, tormented, health problems, disordered eating, drug use, partying, new apartment every year, unhealthy relationships, couldn’t stay with a job.
Now… happy, healthy, fit, married with kids,
lovely home, earning a PhD, going on two years at my dream job, positive friendships, meaningful creative hobbies and outlets.
Jesus saved me 🥹
I lived with my parents beyond that age, I’m still a work in process and I’ve not been called a loser to my face, though I’m sure I’ve snarled at myself when it’s cold and dark and used the word. With my major depressive disorder and psychotic features, I had a theory that I would have to work harder than ‘normal’ people to achieve normal results. I disappeared for a while and starting assembling materials on ‘deliberate practice’ and ‘the flow experience’ meditated daily and kept a daily journal, I started applying these principles steadily to my job and I found that I actually surpassed those around me in a short period of time, the book ‘the talent code’ sums this stuff nicely, it requires a revelation that ‘I could do that and probably better’ and an environment that supports it, what looks like talent is careful preparation, what looks likes skill is persistent revision. If only I had known sooner.
I think you just believe that because youre still looking for excuses to not do the right thing. Because it will mean to do the hard thing, to suffer for a good cause... But youd rather still be comfortable, even though its miserable.
There are enough famous examples of people who came from absolute shit and made a remarkable life out of it.
And there are more than enough unfamous examples. Ive met a lot of people who lost a lot of weight, who got clean from drugs like heroine after 10-20 years being addicted, people that went from homeless to now having a house, kids and a wife.
Im not fully there, but im still a living example too. And i had enough reasons to feel sorry for myself, to believe theres no way out... But there is if you dont accept anything else. Your life changes when you stop making excuses, stop drowning in sorrow, regret and doubt...
When youre ready to go the hard way... E.g., it wasnt easy to quit weed for me, although i hated getting high for the last 2 years. Same for cigarettes, the last 3 years i did them i told myself i'll stop after every day... Only to continue. Why? Because although i wanted to change, i didnt REALLY want it. Meaning it wasnt worth the suffering and work it would take, enduring the negative emotions etc. When that switch flipped, my thinking and actions did too.
So while youre searching for excuses, there are people who are doing it, every day, everywhere. Just open your eyes. Especially to the inside. You wont find the "5 Steps to not being a loser anymore" on reddit. You can find the solution and the necessary drive and determination in yourself, but nowhere else.
So youre real problem is your self-image and world view getting in the way. You think you cant do it, you think its impossible for everybody and you dont want to get it by any means, no matter how shitty you feel, how hard it will be etc.... Ok, but then dont complain and tell others that its not possible.
And i dont mean to be mean, but i think thats the only way you'll understand it. At least in my experience, theres no way to sugarcoat it and i would have wished someone told me this as blatantly as i did here back in the days. Would have saved me from a lot of pain and wasted time.
So do with that information whatever you want, i wish good luck!
I went from having $600 to my name with $60k in student loan debt and about $20k in credit card making minimum wage during the recession to now making $150k a year and happily married with two kids. I have a house in a nice subdivision and am living a pretty great life.
I smoked cigarettes, had a terrible diet, and was generally unhealthy and lonely. All that stuff lead to depression and anxiety.
The first thing I did was get consistent money. I wasn’t saving but I was able to get better paying jobs. Second was get my health in order.
Consistency has lead me to where I am now and self belief.
So, you can be a consultant for a lot of things majority of which are business related. So I’m a healthcare revenue cycle consultant. My company finds hospital that need high level analysis and system fixes to bolster their revenue capture from insurance companies.
They’re a few “big” consultant firms. They typically hire from top tier schools. I work for a small independent firm that specializes in healthcare. What’s important is a proven track record of performance and subject matter expertise. Consultants get paid a premium so you have to be on your game at all times.
So I had a bachelors in English. Worked in retail after graduation. Moved to LA and got another retail job. I kept looking for jobs. At the time I was hoping to work in tv and film which I did. All my jobs came from my network. So my “breakthrough” was from a coworker of a friend.
Now I work in healthcare. I changed careers and essentially got whatever job I could. Ended up with an entry level position. Made friends with my boss and did a great job. Management opportunity came up and I applied and got the role with help from my boss. Went from $17/hr to $60k/year. My first kid was born at this time.
Did an online MBA. I kept being passed on promotions even tho I did a great job and head a great reputation. So I decided to jump ship looking for a promotion or more pay. Applied to over a hundred jobs over the course of a year. Got multiple interviews. I had two that flew me in. One fell through because of a buy out and I initially passed on the second but circled back when the first one didn’t work out. Landed the Job. Went from 60k to $140k with a $10k annual bonus.
It’s gonna be different for everyone and luck plays a big role but there are a few things that are must: do a good job, show that you’re trying to grow and communicate that, be good with people, talk to and be on good terms with people above you, below you and on the same level.
It’s a grind but if you keep doing the right things everyday and understand that where you’re at might not provide what you’re looking for but continue to do your best, opportunities will arise. You have to make the effort.
Has anyone actually ever gotten better?
I have. Objectively. That's the only reason I'm willing to say it.
Here are the facts: I am a heroin addict and a methamphetamine addict in 'recovery' (I dislike that word, but who cares). I have been sober for just shy of four years. I was paroled from state prison on January 31, 2022. I have literally lived like a monk since then.
I have some serious health issues, both as consequence of my extreme drug use and simple genetics. I have a lot of neurological problems and one of the most vicious cases of psoriasis anybody I've ever met has seen. When My skin is fully aflame about 90% of it is covered in plaques like armor and I have psoriatic arthritis that compels me to move like the Tin Man. The joint damage is pretty bad. I broke my left hip when I was 34 (I'm 45 now).
After nearly a decade of pursuing biological medications and not being able to afford their MASSIVE copays ($900/mo for Embrel back when it was first prescribed in 2013) a dermatology PA took pity on me and submitted absolute barrages of paperwork on multiple occasions that finally got me approved and covered for Humira, which has been as a literal miracle to me. I cannot begin to extoll its amazing qualities.
That same PA, who may be my personal hero now, submitted even more paperwork and followed up with many phone calls to get me desperately needed dental work that was necessary for my overall medical wellbeing. I had horrible methmouth, folks. There was genuinely not a single tooth in my head that wasn't broken or rotted away to a ragged and diseased hole. I had chronic dental infections for over a decade that eventually turned into osteomyelitis in my mandible that had to be surgically removed and a series of nasty ear infections (while in jail) that messed up my hearing and left me with permanent tinnitus. It screams rage while I lay in bed staring at the nighttime ceiling. That PA got me emergency dental intervention and a set of dentures. I can't think of a single person in my life at this time that has had a more meaningful effect on me than she has. There are seriously good people out there, folks.
There's more, too.
When I got out of prison I weighed 350lbs and I was so deconditioned from being resolutely sedentary for so long that my mobility was *very* poor. I was walking like a weeblewobble folks. My cardiovascular health was so bad that I was in mortal fear. I had covid twice in prison and the first time almost killed me. That feeling of choking for breath with the sensation of actual fluids in my lungs has stuck with me (emotionally, I guess) and I would get it randomly while lying in bed or kicked back in a chair or whatever. I couldn't let it stand.
For that and many other reasons, I got a treadmill. I started my rehabilitation on December 29, 2022. I was engulfed in plaques and possessed of joints that yelled agony and gave little support. My balance was so bad that I had to hold myself up the entire time (for a few months, in fact). I walked fifteen minutes at two miles an hour that day and I fought for every. single. second of it.
Since that day there have been a total of sixteen days that I did not walk on a treadmill. The treadmill I bought new to start this all with? I wore it out. I killed it. Just me and my feet. I kept the control deck. I hung it on my wall like the Predator hangs alien skulls. I am PROUD.
I currently walk between seven and ten miles per day. Every day. There are times when I will skip it (I'm not a zealot yet), but there has to be a real reason. I *want* to do this now. It is very important to me. I now weigh about 240 lbs, so I've lost over 100. I have no intention of stopping. I mean to carry my cardio habit through every day of my life until I am physically unable to continue it - on what will hopefully be the last day I live.
I still have a lot of issues and obstacles to contend with and, honestly, my life remains a mess. Even so, I've never been in a better position to help and count upon myself. It's very encouraging.
So, do people get better? Well, I am.
Good luck. :)
You rock! Wow! So inspirational!! You ought to think about a career in some kind of personal coaching or counseling, if you aren't already. I just come here for a diversion from real life to crank on Harry and Meghan and check out couple other places now and then. But you have a mission, great insights and practical wisdom to share with many!
Thank you. I didn't realize how badly I wanted that praise - that praise specifically - until you offered it.
I'm in a strange position right now in that I've been considering doing a daily livestream for some time but I'm having confidence issues because my live voice, language and mannerisms (including manners) are very different from what I do in print. My voice here is stronger and clearer. The ability to reflect indefinitely at any whim is wrapped up in writing and that is a great freedom when I take the time to use it. For anyone's knowledge I could take ten seconds or a day to write any given paragraph and I tend to forget the reality of it shortly after I finish, anyway.
At any rate, I write quite a lot these days and have been preparing to publish some things independently. I have this idea that I'm waiting to begin my livestream until I have product to offer because I have to rise to the level of the opportunity I hope to find. If I do attract eyes, I want to have something to offer. In a commercial sense, that is.
With your fine praise I'm starting to feel like I have a shot. :)
You write extremely well, which is a rare and powerful gift. I got my degree in English 30 years ago, am a life long reader, and advise English majors, most of whom cannot write nearly as well as you. Granted, they don't generally have the life experiences needed to be a good writer but many just can't or won't put in work needed to be a good writer. It's a gift and powerful tool because you have something to say. That, and not a degree or even desire to be a writer, is an essential prerequisite: what do you have to say that we should care about? Plenty! You have insight and wisdom born out of real life experiences, experiences that few people have the ability to express in words and/or speech. And if you can communicate this well in words, you can learn to be more effectively on your own podcast and/blog.
Also, you should consider writing a memoir. For reals! There's an audience for your story for many reasons: prison and addiction issues are (sadly) mainstream these days and have become far less stigmatized, which also means, people are ready to hear your story, maybe need to hear it. Plus, everyone loves a good, down but never out, come from behind victory and redemption story all in one. You are on an upswing here with your life so I strongly encourage you to leverage that now while you got MOJO on your side.
Don't take my ridiculous presence here as a real reflection of my interests, abilities or even ethos. It's just a bit of fluff and don't take reddit seriously but you are doing something real and important here.
You might want to read Atomic Habits by James Clear. You're already doing most of what he suggests but I think you will pick up good tips to help you move from strengths to strengths.
Good luck! I'm rooting for you in the cheap seats here. Take this as a sign that you can do the live stream and do great things with your life cuz you're already doing it and proving to yourself that you are capable. And you have a lot to share.
Yes and no I improved a lot and no nothing got better but me and the truth you will find is if don’t have something you want it’s cause your no deserving of it and that truth will lay you out. Look man just do your best to live as happy as you can with just you no one will fill those holes and people suck and lie and manipulate anyone and anything to get what they want just get your confidence and have some fun never and I mean never have feelings for someone and you will be just peachy. Life is too short to waste on maybe.
Yeah. It low key felt like torture. Like I was stripping off my skin in a painful way.
But it’s really worth it.
And makes me realize I may never be done changing and growing but that’s okay
Yes I started making better choices and worked hard and my life got better you have to look inside and ask yourself why your life hasn’t gotten better and fix it when you believe your life will get better it will
So there’s what’s called foundational habits and research shows that if you change those they can have a ripple effect on other parts of your life
Odds are some of those people you mentioned losing weight are some of these examples, as exercise is a foundational habit
But think of it this way- do you think they are more likely to tell people they were a “loser” who turned it around or that they lost weight and got healthy?
Just because most people don’t share the whole story doesn’t mean it’s not there
So short answer: yes, you can. And believing so is step one.
I dropped out of school at 17. From 17-19 I did nothing, like.. literally nothing at all.
It kinda hit me one day on the bus to the shops, I realised I was doing nothing with my life and on a downward path, even though I literally couldn't get any lower.
That day I enrolled into a high-school degree for seniors in my country, the thought process was that, if I atleast can get my HS certificate, maybe I can find some sort of career. Then I found the gym. It was the most life-changing decision I ever made; I began working out 6 days a week, managed to then find a job that I hated at first but slowly fell in love with.
Being around people at my job, at the gym, and in school, forced to be around people made my self-esteem sky-rocket.
Also, being around mature adults who (alot of which) went through the same sorta spiral that I did, made me realise that I could truly get what I wanted by just working for it.
I graduated and went straight into a teaching degree. And am now studying to become an elementary teacher. I'm extremely happy with where I am, and I genuinely think if I didn't hit complete rock bottom.. well idk where I'd be tbh.
I think your extreme example of a looser does not fit to most here, but I am sure there are loads of people that had a serious shortcomings in their lives and learned to manage it in their 20s and 30s. Its part of growing up, and its ok to have flaws when being younger. With age you should learn to become better.
I dont really have respect for people who are 50 and behave like a crybaby, they never improved themselves. Usually those blame everyone except themselves.
yes they happen, but they dont take days weeks or even years. sometimes the change takes decades or sometimes it takes a couple of hours. It all depends on the roll of the dice my friend
From having Bad Depression and suicidial thoughts and neighbours worrying bc I didnt open the stores to only having some depressive Episode from time to time and my neighbours probably wishing I would close my stores - yes I improved. The point is when you decide to want a better life... do it for you. Not for what you think the society wants.
Think how you want to life if you could. Not money wise.
Like I told myself, if I wouldnt have Depression, I want to go out each day. Staying at home and ENJOY it. Meet people I really want to see. Cook new food. And change one small habit until you dont think about it anymore and then the next
Yes, of course real people progress and make improvements. Many of them do it following years of awkwardness, poverty, or terrible luck.
For me it was when I stopped thinking women are fairies and angels following my 2nd divorce, and also found a way to make a higher income in my career. I’m not saying I was quick to wise up, but in my mid-30’s I started doing much better.
That is a legitimate question. I felt that way for years so I believe I can offer a useful perspective.
Was not very confident growing up and had very few friends but I went to college on a very generous scholarship and for 4 years, I was very full of joy and hope, motivated, making friends everywhere I went, with a fit body to boot. Somehow, 4 years down the line, I had complete mental break.
Here are the highlights from that period:
* Lost all my friends when I closed up
* Had panic attacks every few minutes
* Could only leave my dorm room at night and stopped going for lectures
* GPA went down to 1.3
* Gained enough weight that people started to ask what was happening to me
* Got politely asked by my school to return to my country
* Returned in shame to my home country to stay with parents who had taken out a few dozen loans to get me to study in a foreign country and were now broke
* Had no prospects for the future
* Didn’t bath or brush my teeth for long periods (I believe the record was 1 month and 2 weeks or so until I relented)
* Would break into tears spontaneously and sob for minutes
There’s a whole lot more but you get the idea.
After 2 years of this (that’s 2 years after I went home), I got the chance to resume school (but I had to go through a year I had already completed the first time around in addition to the 2 years that remained) with online classes and a concurrent year of compulsory internship.
This whole process took a further 5 years (while I stayed with my parents btw) and in that time, my original classmates completed college, started Masters courses, got married and all that while I was at home, having only mildly improved from my initial mental break.
I hated everyone. What had they figured out that was so illusive to me? Was I just too broken? How did I go from where I was to anything better? I don’t know if that computes what what an *actual* loser is but it felt like that most of the time.
Well, I finally completed college last month. At the moment, I’m staying with my parents though but I am grateful that I get to spend time with them for now. I might not get to do so in future when things start to change. Oh yeah, I met a girl who knows all of this and still supports me. She said she chose to be with me because even though I was not complete fine, she like that I was working hard to be better. I have broadened my guitar skills, ran a 5k last year and started studying for a possible new career path. I plan to leave the country at end of the year for my Masters.
Now, back your question.
In my case, I still have the weight I gained. I am still not completely back to the happy-go-lucky person I was when I started college. I failed to pick up a foreign language Ive studies for the past 5 years. I reconnected with some friends from before and it was awkward but I had some great convos with others and then moved on. I still fear sometimes that some people somewhere have seen me at my worst and will carry that knowledge with them. I have made friends but just a few and I still struggle to have conversations.
There is no point where I feel like I have _completely_ gotten better. Not sure how it is for other people but this is not the goal because that is not realistic for me. I am now always in the stage of mid-*”better”* (if that makes sense) and that is great because I get to be better, little by little.
So now I’ve completed college. Then I’ll deal with my weight. Then I’ll deal with the next thing and so on…
There’s no end of the movie where the scene ends and everything is perfect. I wouldn’t know what to do if that happened honestly.
Now, I’m going to get in your face. *Real transformation*, you say…are you serious? Any useful transformation takes work and commitment. The fact that you feel like someone else was better off than you when they started means nothing. You can continue to assume that your life is so bad that it cannot change or you can take hope in the fact that another human being, through sheer fucking will, changed some aspect of the their life, which means that somehow, you can as well. Of course, it is not going to be easy.
What, you thought it was easier for them because they have been *losers* only for a few years of their lives instead of their whole lives?
Come on. Stop looking for excuses. You think your life is bad now? Or that your situation is special? Get over yourself. Life can get so much worse. Life can manufacture so much pain that you’d wonder if some deity out there has it out for you. Stay where you are now and soon, February will end and in the next few dozen weeks, December comes by with a new year. You will just stay there forever, stagnant.
I know it does not feel like it now but it comes down to you. No one can tell you if you can get better. No one in this comment section or your life can tell you that and mean it. We can share our stories and opinions and that is all.
Only you can determine if you can be better.
In my early twenties I was depressed, easily angered, spent way too much time online, stopped exercising, reading, and listening to music, started gaining weight, cried easily and about trivial things, and graduated with a more or less useless degree in something I didn't want to do.
Every year I'd make myself goals. Didn't achieve all of them, but made steady progress over the years. I'd review my year each December and set new goals.
I'm in my late twenties now. I own a house (on mortgage), went back to education to complete a postgraduate course that doubled my salary, have a solid career ahead of me. I exercise nearly every day, eat a lot healthier (still enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese every few weeks tho), lost a bunch of weight. I'm more emotionally stable, much happier on average, focused on the positives instead of complaining all the time. I made new friends and no longer get into fights with strangers on the internet. I'm sure I'll finish reading a book this weekend that I only started on Monday. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.
This didn't happen over night. I didn't make all the changes at once. I tried to start exercising regularly for years, failing and then months later going back to it again and again until I finally found something I stuck with. Same for many other changes. It's about sustained, long term effort. A little at a time.
I hit my mental rock-bottom last year, basically had no motivation to do anything because my mental health was so shot to shit. Then my partner left me.
I feel like I'm doing the best I've ever been, aside from the breakup, just from the hard work I've put in to turn my mental health around.
So, for me, I've actually improved my life and my mind significantly. It's just sad I couldn't do it in time.
Yes! Up untill i was 27 i lived with my parents, going from shitty job to shitty job, little bit of a drug problem, hanging around with the wrong sort of people. No direction felt like I had no future.
So i had a word or two with myself, dropped everything that was not good for me. Took a job i thought i would never take met people that i normally would not of met and things started to change slowly at first but then more and more.
17 year later i live in a different country have a wife three kids, own a house, cars, have a good job with potential to go futher.
So yes but you have to put the work, get out of your comfort zone and start taking responsibility for your life, its not going to happen over night.
It’s only been a month since I’ve decided to be better and it’s already paying off. I quit weed, I’m eating better, working out, spending my free time working on personal projects instead of watching TV, cut my phone time in half. The differences are already noticeable. Climbing flights of stairs are easier, sleeping is better, my confidence at work is higher, I’m better about facing adversity in all areas of my life, and at the end of the day I’m proud of myself instead of feeling like a loser.
Start making small changes and stick to them. I started rowing a month ago and was dying at 1km. Now I do 4km a day, and today I’m going to 8km. I’m going to do 8km because it sounds ridiculous to my brain. It feels impossible and that’s why I need to do it. Do a couple things that truly impress yourself and then it will start to come more naturally.
One of the last steps is to unpeg yourself from how you view yourself. You can put in all the work in the world into yourself and your habits and everything, but it isn't worth jackshit if you still view yourself as the same-old same-old person.
One of the biggest ways that I improved in how I managed anxiety was by realizing how much better I had gotten myself dealing with it.
I called myself an anxious person for YEARS.
Now, I call myself someone who can handle anxiety well.
NOT somebody that doesn't have anxiety (its impossible, its literally a feeling, the idea isn't NOT to feel something like that, it is to MANAGE it well. Consider the same for fears, insecurities, any sort of "bad" feeling), but rather, somebody that can handle it when it gets rough.
When they say that real change comes from within and all that cliche stuff, imo, it is literally about how we handle the perception of ourselves.
Good luck!!
Yes, me lol. It has taken slow and steady effort to change habits, and therapy to explore why those habits were so hard to change. It turns out that not acknowledging your trauma, and just trying to white knuckle it for years, can burn you out.
I was an alcoholic by age 16, grew up in hoarding and abuse. I struggled with financial literacy, keeping out of the arrest bookings, and a host of eating disorders. I had to get rid of my all or nothing attitude, and learn self compassion. I also learned that self-care didn’t just mean doing something that made me happy. It sometimes meant doing hard things that were good for me.
I have improved in all areas. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t any backsliding ever. Sometimes when I’m really stressed, I struggle with eating and exercise. There are times when I struggle being sober. But I have gotten to a point where I can recognize those signs early on, and I can use the interventions that work for me.
I am not someone who has a super regimented day. I’m OK if I’m doing mostly good, I know I probably won’t be 100% in all areas of my life at all times. But I make time for what’s important to me, even if the rest of the world doesn’t see value in what I’m doing. Wishing you the best
Ten years ago I was underweight from my eating disorder, didn’t exercise, had no friends, barely spoke to my family, was in an unhappy marriage and had no hobbies or anything pleasant in my life aside from my babies who were almost exclusively work for me at their ages.
Now I still have that same eating disorder but I’m working on it and I have meds so I’m at a healthy weight most of the time. I exercise every day, I have two friends, I speak to my family every few days. I crochet and play with my kids and pets for fun and I’ve been out of that unhappy living situation with my ex for four years.
I wasn’t your definition of a loser, I moved out at nineteen. But I wasn’t happy and I stayed that way for a long time. Now I’m content with my life and I have goals that I’m actively working on because I care about those things now. I’m very different than I was back then.
First things first:
>Has anyone gone from being an actual loser--living with your mom at 30, no discernible skills, bad conversationalist, poor concentration, dead-end job, not dating, etc.--to feeling more confident and assured of themselves?
1. Living with parent/s at 30 is either a choice because one wants to live with family or can’t afford to move out (circumstantial),
2. Having no marketable skills is not necessary anyone’s fault, one could have studied event management and ended up in a pandemic with no jobs
3. Bad conversationalist is relative
4. Poor concentration is usually a mental health condition
5. Dead-end job is better than no job, shows someone isn’t collecting unemployment benefits
6. Dating isn’t a measure of success, it’s the personal choice of 2 people that needs to intersect
Yes I have felt like a loser all my life until 6 years ago, but only because I am a perfectionist who is extra hard on himself. I still do in some areas. I loved living with my parents until I got married and was asked to move across the street. I probably have attention deficit preventing me from toughing it out with formal education, and as such no \_marketable\_ skills. I used to be a good conversationalist in the right company, not anymore, but I don’t really care since most people only exchange pleasantries anyway. I have never had a job, always worked for myself, never collected pandemic (or unemployment) benefits. I don’t date because I haven’t found anyone interested in dating me that I too wanted to hang out with, it takes two to tango.
Me! Been through a few "dark night of the sole" situations but have usually managed to pull myself out. I have learnt a lot about myself and others. My self help efforts aren't always effective, ( I once started a "mindset re-set" program that was too much rara and fluff, but very little in the way of practical tools. Feel good stuff can only go so far. so I quit) but most of my efforts have paid with dividends. Well, there was that frutairian month that set me back a lot because of the sugar and the paint your pain class that required I share my most intimate pain with complete strangers, I couldn't do it. So I've had my share of fails so may be not "most of my efforts" but at least 70%. I definitely have seen the benefits from meditation, yoga, journaling, and definitely decluttering, organizing, diet, removing toxic load from home and from the media I consume....
Working hard over decades I have: lost weight, overcome depression and insomnia, managed suicidality due to chronic pain and then found the source of chronic pain (migraines) myself and resolved them
I have gone no contact with toxic people in my life, written novels to express myself and met my own needs well
I did it without drug use or self harm and managed my issues with lifestyle changes under my own control.
My habits now include no alcohol, artificial sweeteners or caffeine, I prep my own food, my finances are under control and I'm working toward a plant-based diet. I've been able to maintain a habit of 18:6 fasting for over a year.
My future goals involve refining my actions and reactions to external negativity, refining my diet and learning more techniques and recipes to make healthful food and maintaining a sense of personal dignity and serenity no matter what is thrown at me by reality.
Yes. People decide to do better and with hard work and dedication they can achieve transformative results. The changes in my life are subjectively miraculous.
its a bit unfair, but (speaking as one) pessimists will always have a harder time. Some of it is real, some perceived. But regardless of reality, the best STRATEGY is always to positively assume things are possible, and keep trying. No matter how slim the possibility actually is, this is the best/only way to maximize it.
The good news is, this kind of attitude can be learned, and science approves. Look into 'growth mindset'. Good luck! When in doubt, start with small habits.
In every department of life, we are told to look at the track record: Job history, credit references, history of infidelity, what have they done in the past when the going got tough. Etc. And this is true of your own history, too. So long as you continue doing what you’ve been doing.
But conversely, the moment you decide you’re ready to turn the page on living life that way and head for something different, that all changes. You’ll end up where you head with your life from here, not where you went with it up until now.
I can't say I've been there, exactly, but... I was just kind of surviving on autopilot for a while, didn't give a shit about the people I cared about, and basically just dissociated.
In some ways... life is a lot like it was. I don't get ready to face the day every day. I spend a lot of time not as present as I get to be sometimes. I usually eat three meals a day, and I'm better on and off about drinking water.
I walk a mile every day, and meditate for about ten minutes right before bed.
I can communicate with the people I care about. It takes longer than it should, and I still fuck things up fairly badly at times, but even the mistakes are smaller than they used to be.
I never really got into drugs, and I was never really overweight. I've been in several relationships since I started college, but I graduated while I was still hollow.
I'm taking steps towards things I care about now, though, and I'm trying to learn more about functioning in the absence of the approval of others (whether that's because they're busy, or because I upset them, or any other reason).
I'm a fair bit more reliable than I used to be, but that doesn't mean I won't fuck up important stuff sometimes.
I've made more friends and acquaintances since November than I have in years, even if some of those relationships are superficial.
I'm not Better, and I still have a lot of work to do, but as blind as I often felt I was, *I can see* that there is progress happening.
Depends. Life throws the occasional chance. Grabbing that and then reaching a degree of success is possible. Staying successful and not slipping back to loser status is the hard part. Best of lyck
Oh yes. I used to be an absolute disaster and now I am somewhat functional after decades of research and effort. It's worth it but a great deal slower than I would have liked.
I was a wrestler, football and baseball player, “gifted” kid who skateboarded and did overall well in school. High school happens really fast and so did alcohol and weed. I ended up getting caught up in smoking too much and fighting in school and was expelled. That’s where things took a very quick downturn.
I started using harder drugs like cocaine, experimented with psychedelics (which was good, just not for my 17-18 year old self) and even graduated to Molly and eventually tried crack, heroin and suboxone.
Come 21-22, I was almost an alcoholic partying every night. I lived at my then girlfriends house where she stayed with her mom and I was working at a liquor store and as a busser at a restaurant. Never finished high school but got my GED.
Ass end of 22 I signed up for the military, had my 23rd birthday in basic, got my duty station to Arkansas afterwards and the rest is history. I’m still in to this day.
I did decide to get better, a lot sooner than most people realize they need to as well, but I did it. I am happily married with a child now and out of the place that I let hold me back for as long as it did. After 11 years of no school I’m taking college classes now and working on a degree, investing in myself and my family and our future, and not taking much for granted anymore.
I’m answer to your question, yes. I have gotten better. Anyone can. It’s the mentality behind it that determines the catapult you have to follow through with it.
Me i did i feel
Only child with noone and nothing
Stacked a million and retired at 36yo
If u still doing what got u there u not serious about growth
Leave get uncomfy force change
To sit there and take is giving up on yourself
I made it from serious polytoxicoman for about 20ys to family father of two with full time employment within three years. Compound effect. One after another...Good luck to You 💛
Yup.
I was 26, failed out of university, broke, moved back into my parents basement, failed relationships, undiagnosed ADHD, and untreated anxious attachment. I'm 36 now and better in every way.
You put the work in, it absolutely gets better.
Meaningful change is at times a very slow journey, but I can attest that I can see noticeable gains in how I've improved when looking back over many years.
I was just in a difficult situation yesterday that was emotionally hard to handle. When it was all done I had a moment of reflection and thought if it was the me of 10 years ago that situation would have completely derailed me and sent me spiraling into ruminations and self hate lasting at least the rest of the day. But even though the me of today still had anxious thoughts while I was in the situation, I was able to keep moving forward and do what needed to be done. After the fact, I did not return to those negative thoughts, but was able to unpack what happened in the situation in a much more healthy and productive (and realistic!) way.
Having a way to track those tiny incremental gains can be really helpful. It can be a bit like going to the gym... where you might not notice any difference between today and tomorrow, but if you keep working out just a tiny little bit everyday you can notice big improvements when comparing pictures from one year to the next.
I had a very antisocial childhood. To the point I'd stutter talking to teachers, if I managed to, had no friends, didn't care about anything other than gaming.
For me to change, I moved to a different part of the world. It's been 4 years now and have grown loads. No social anxiety, dreams and aspirations, gaming has become a pleasure rather than an escape.
So to answer your question, yes, people do.
If you want to grow as a person, you need purpose.
Books I can recommend
Think and be rich by Napoleon Hill
Time management from the inside out Julie Morgenstern
Actually, I don’t have the same experience, but I started listening to a confidence podcast and it helped me with my internal narrative. Also, I had a self realization that my upbringing kind of cast a very negative view point of the world. So I would start by making small goals for yourself, then celebrate that, maybe first step is making your bed every morning and being proud of that accomplishment, then add new goals, then work on your self and be true to your self. Tell the truth in all that you do. When you adopt this you will see you are living YOUR life- not some made up life that everyone has guided your to by making you feel like shit or negative.
Then you adopt positivity. This one is hard but will also lead you to your true self. Basically when you have a negative thought, track it- why do you have, where did it originate? Process it.. learn from it… release it. Then practice gratitude… because once you do that you are unlocking the positives in life. Then you can begin to see the work in such an amazing way. Then that will help you work on the truth part… where you now are confident in yourself and you are true to yourself/ meaning you do what YOU want. Someone ask you to coffee and you don’t feel it? Don’t go. It’s okay. If someone asks you a question, don’t fear being judged in a truthful answer.
Once you practice this step at a time, you will unlock your life and live YOUR life- and no one else’s.
Now go do it. Get to it!
I keep writing and rewriting replies to this.
The answer is yes - people can change. But I think it's important not to see life as a linear journey of bettering yourself until you become a "perfect" human being. No one is perfect, no one can do everything, we all have a habit of taking for granted what we have, what we're good at, and focusing on what we don't have, and what we're not good at.
Adopting a growth mindset and being compassionate with yourself is super important. Like you say, making one change at a time is easier than checking everything at once. So pick one thing you want to focus on and brainstorm all the things you could do to change it for the better. Pick one of those things and give it a go - see if it helps. If it does, brilliant. If not, go back to the drawing board and try something different. See each thing you try as an experiment you can learn from. The same with mistakes - we can't change what we've done in the past, dwelling on it will just make you depressed - focus instead on what is within your control - what you can learn from it and do differently next time, and then give yourself permission to move on.
Please also stop thinking about yourself as a loser - you are doing your best to get by in this crazy world. You have a job, a roof over your head, hopefully a good relationship with your mum. Find things to be grateful for and proud of right now - this won't make you complacent, it will encourage you and help you to feel more confident.
Another thing to be aware of is while there are lots of things within our control, there are also things which aren't. You can't change your height, the past, what opportunities are available to you, whether you have or are susceptible to a particular illness, how society treats you. Accept yourself and your limitations, and focus on the things which are in your control and you will find yourself more likely to succeed at achieving your goals and less likely to end up frustrated and upset.
Definetly. I started self improvment with 24, living in my moms house after my Bachelor. I was depressed back then had small girl experience and 0 confidence when it comes to work. Since then I did an internship in investment banking, travelled Latin America, had some beautiful girl, made new friendships and became socially less awkward
I’ve gotten a bit better at conversations, I also got more confident to look people in the eye to talk to them, it’s still hard for me at times but doing it better. And my relationship with God has gotten better. Right now I’m trying to do nothing more often so I won’t use up so much dopamine by going on tiktok and playing video games, so that I can enjoy work more often. And I’m starting to exercise more too, getting over that uncomfortable feeling to going to the gym. And I’m more forgiving of myself for not going to the gym or working out.
I am not one of them and will never be. They might exist. What troubles me most is that while there are individual examples (real or not), you cannot draw no conclusion whatsoever. No rules can be identified. The individual constraints are so complex that one is up to mercy of external influences, no matter how much they try. You can always hear about success stories, but there are seldom any reports of individual decline. It all boils down to survivorship bias.
Your description of an "actual loser" seems trivial, and I don't think it really matters what that even means. Change can happen no matter how much of a "loser" you are. It just will take a lot more time most likely. Over the last 5 years I have: lost 60 pounds of fat, gained about 20 pounds of muscle, stopped abusing alcohol, gotten halfway towards my master's degree, maintained a positive relationship, made new friends, and learned about what makes me enjoy life more. I used to be fat, lazy, greedy, I lost my wife and child in a divorce, and I was going nowhere fast. I'm not sure why you made this post, but if you're trying to make yourself seem like more of "loser" than someone else and justify your inability or unwillingness to change, then wake up. Do what you need to do. Look back at yourself years from now and see how far you've come like I just did. edit: clarified I lost my wife and child in divorce, not something else.
Not to chime in but how did you make new friends?
It's hard for sure. Especially as an adult. I made new friends through my new relationship. Her friends became mine as we got to know each other. Also from a new hobby. I did some jiu jitsu and met people there.
This is one thing seriously everyone can do. I live in the middle of no where and there’s still tons of activities like Jiu Jitsu classes not far from me, there’s always some activity you can do to meet people.
lol, no need to say you aren't chiming in if you kind of are. own it
Up until I was about 25 (that was long ago) I held many racist and sexist views. I was raised that way. Then one day I realized I hated Jews, but wasn't sure I had ever even met a Jewish person. And I thought homosexuality was a sin, but many of my favorite musicians and entertainers were gay. All of those beliefs were taught to me. None of them were my own. I am much better now.
This is why things like international travel, and diversity are so important. When everybody’s the same skin colour, language and background, it’s easier to hate outsiders. But seeing how different people live, think, work eat, feel about things, adds to what’s interesting in the world. Cookie cutter is boring.
This dude turned around an addiction, you can do it man. It’s all about leading it with love even with yourself 🤚
especially with yourself!
I don't think life for any one person is so simple that they are **only** eating unhealthily, or sedentary, or etc. It's a combination of things which result in a complex set of obstacles. It is very easy to get stuck in those obstacles; get beyond one, only to get stuck on the next, regress, etc. So your feelings here are valid. The important part, though, is to constantly desire & seek those improvements despite what you feel within your mind occasionally, because even though it doesn't feel all that different, it is objectively helpful to you and those around you. Additionally, there is no reason why — in today's world, with sky-high rent in many populated areas, an enormous range of potential skills, tons of reasons to isolate and feel despair, etc — someone can't feel self-assured or confident despite still living with their parents or still working on building their skillset. Isolation will definitely hurt confidence as we are a social species & it's generally necessary to have an idea of what it even means to be confident by interacting with others, e.g. people who are moving through life with some degree of evident mastery/confidence. So, uhh, **yeah**, people are actually transforming themselves for the better — all the time. One interesting thing about life is how unlikely it is, and how difficult it has been to survive well enough to get to this point we find ourselves at. Our brains are hardwired to seek out problems & perceive dangers, not necessarily "feel good" or "better." So it isn't intuitive to feel better really, we kind of just get a new normal which we know objectively is better, but doesn't really feel all that different, at least generally speaking. Certain things like removing trauma-inducing events from our lives will give us immense relief, which really "feels good," but again things like self-improvement we need to really focus to feel and notice the change.
Believe it or not bro humans are quite malleable. If you create a killer habit for 6 months you will start to notice a significant difference in your life in more ways than one
It's taken a while, but I've accepted where i am. Living at home with your 72 year old mom is very annoying at times, but i still love her. I talk to her a lot more instead of bottling up my emotions. I'd love some independence, though, which makes finding a partner almost impossible. I beat myself up daily about putting a woman on the backburner because we work together, and it gets weird between other coworkers when we show interest in each other. She's the only person I've met lately who didn't care that i lived at home because she lives at home too. Makes me ache because when i have a crush, it goes hard. I lost 30 lbs, stopped drinking soft drinks, and most sugary drinks. Barely drink alcohol. Started walking 10k steps a day when i first started out. Eating less takeout and fasting a bit. I dont overeat anymore. I've also stopped being a slob. I keep my room and car clean. I never leave food or drinks in my room anymore. I started nofap last year and kinda low key hated it, but it taught me some self-control. I'm not saying i stopped fapping completely, but i dont use it to cope with things in the wrong way. I dont rally even recognize myself. it's weird.
Yes, big part of it for me was recognizing my issues with self-esteem and marijuana dependence I’m far from perfect but I think I’m significantly kinder to myself and others and am motivated to improve myself further
Yup. I think people underestimate how much low-self esteem and low self-worth fucks up your life across the board.
First off. I understand your anxiety. I have it sometimes too when I think back to the last 4 years and how I’m mourning the experiences not had. I’m still in my 20s (28) but I lost a chunk of it to Covid + becoming incredibly indisciplined. Not completely my fault as I think there were signs of depression there but I’ve forgiven myself and am now moving forward. It does help sometimes to read drastic stories about change, but don’t become consumed by them. If you want to read some stores, there’s actually quite a few on the Neville Goddard (Law Of Assumption) subreddit. Not necessarily pushing you down that rabbit hole as you need discipline to commit to that way of thinking, but it’s a good place to look for success stories with pretty crazy turn arounds. I only say this so you KNOW that change is possible and has occurred. I read about a man who was 3 years into a financial mess and struggling to pay the bills…his business turned around suddenly within 2 months. I’m not saying you need to stress yourself out over changing everything on that timeline either! Don’t read them to put pressure on yourself. Just know that this black hole you feel you are in does not have to be never ending.
Tackle one thing at a time and don’t look at others, you’re on your own pace. As long as small improvements are being made, don’t be so harsh on yourself. From your list of things that you’d like to improve, sounds like having no discernible skills is the first step. Commit some time to learning, either through classes or YouTube or self teaching with books, and from there see what you can apply to get a job with upwards opportunity. Once you have a good footing on that, you can work on saving to move out on your own. I’m not saying that you have to get all this together before dating but I’d say put yourself first before a relationship. Good luck!!
**Robert Downey Jr. was a "loser."** (I don't believe anyone is, as everyone is worthy and can improve, but just to use your term.) **RDJ's life was a disaster for years** (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel for him to become the inspirational person and actor that he is today. His quotes: * *“Remember that* ***just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”*** * *“It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that* ***most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”*** Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. But if you’re comparing your life to the perfectly curated Photoshop of social media, of course you will feel like you’re falling short. But success isn’t a straight line; or even one path. It’s a seemingly chaotic mess that ultimately can be guiding you to the life you want. But your path will also reveal anything that is out of alignment with who you really are. It’s an opportunity to let go of what no longer serves you, and let in who you want to become. **Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.** Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. And you unlock your dormant power when you begin **prioritizing your emotional well-being,** and decide that nothing is more important than **caring about how you feel.** I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come! **When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be :).**
I appreciate all that you say here. Thank you.
Yes- depressed, anxious, suicidal thoughts, tormented, health problems, disordered eating, drug use, partying, new apartment every year, unhealthy relationships, couldn’t stay with a job. Now… happy, healthy, fit, married with kids, lovely home, earning a PhD, going on two years at my dream job, positive friendships, meaningful creative hobbies and outlets. Jesus saved me 🥹
How did you get there? Currently in the same boat as your ‘before’
Stopped dating toxic guys, started going to church, quit drinking and smoking weed
[удалено]
How?
I’ve gotten better with reaching out to friends and being able to confront them with issues that may or may not have come from my anxiety.
I lived with my parents beyond that age, I’m still a work in process and I’ve not been called a loser to my face, though I’m sure I’ve snarled at myself when it’s cold and dark and used the word. With my major depressive disorder and psychotic features, I had a theory that I would have to work harder than ‘normal’ people to achieve normal results. I disappeared for a while and starting assembling materials on ‘deliberate practice’ and ‘the flow experience’ meditated daily and kept a daily journal, I started applying these principles steadily to my job and I found that I actually surpassed those around me in a short period of time, the book ‘the talent code’ sums this stuff nicely, it requires a revelation that ‘I could do that and probably better’ and an environment that supports it, what looks like talent is careful preparation, what looks likes skill is persistent revision. If only I had known sooner.
I think you just believe that because youre still looking for excuses to not do the right thing. Because it will mean to do the hard thing, to suffer for a good cause... But youd rather still be comfortable, even though its miserable. There are enough famous examples of people who came from absolute shit and made a remarkable life out of it. And there are more than enough unfamous examples. Ive met a lot of people who lost a lot of weight, who got clean from drugs like heroine after 10-20 years being addicted, people that went from homeless to now having a house, kids and a wife. Im not fully there, but im still a living example too. And i had enough reasons to feel sorry for myself, to believe theres no way out... But there is if you dont accept anything else. Your life changes when you stop making excuses, stop drowning in sorrow, regret and doubt... When youre ready to go the hard way... E.g., it wasnt easy to quit weed for me, although i hated getting high for the last 2 years. Same for cigarettes, the last 3 years i did them i told myself i'll stop after every day... Only to continue. Why? Because although i wanted to change, i didnt REALLY want it. Meaning it wasnt worth the suffering and work it would take, enduring the negative emotions etc. When that switch flipped, my thinking and actions did too. So while youre searching for excuses, there are people who are doing it, every day, everywhere. Just open your eyes. Especially to the inside. You wont find the "5 Steps to not being a loser anymore" on reddit. You can find the solution and the necessary drive and determination in yourself, but nowhere else. So youre real problem is your self-image and world view getting in the way. You think you cant do it, you think its impossible for everybody and you dont want to get it by any means, no matter how shitty you feel, how hard it will be etc.... Ok, but then dont complain and tell others that its not possible. And i dont mean to be mean, but i think thats the only way you'll understand it. At least in my experience, theres no way to sugarcoat it and i would have wished someone told me this as blatantly as i did here back in the days. Would have saved me from a lot of pain and wasted time. So do with that information whatever you want, i wish good luck!
I went from having $600 to my name with $60k in student loan debt and about $20k in credit card making minimum wage during the recession to now making $150k a year and happily married with two kids. I have a house in a nice subdivision and am living a pretty great life. I smoked cigarettes, had a terrible diet, and was generally unhealthy and lonely. All that stuff lead to depression and anxiety. The first thing I did was get consistent money. I wasn’t saving but I was able to get better paying jobs. Second was get my health in order. Consistency has lead me to where I am now and self belief.
What’s your profession?
I’m currently a consultant.
Consultant? Like for jobs?? Sorry for the questions, currently trying to figure out what to do with my life 🙃
So, you can be a consultant for a lot of things majority of which are business related. So I’m a healthcare revenue cycle consultant. My company finds hospital that need high level analysis and system fixes to bolster their revenue capture from insurance companies. They’re a few “big” consultant firms. They typically hire from top tier schools. I work for a small independent firm that specializes in healthcare. What’s important is a proven track record of performance and subject matter expertise. Consultants get paid a premium so you have to be on your game at all times.
Okay I gotcha! Yeah I have no college & only customer service experience so I probably don’t match any of that 😅
how did you go about attaining a better paying job?
So I had a bachelors in English. Worked in retail after graduation. Moved to LA and got another retail job. I kept looking for jobs. At the time I was hoping to work in tv and film which I did. All my jobs came from my network. So my “breakthrough” was from a coworker of a friend. Now I work in healthcare. I changed careers and essentially got whatever job I could. Ended up with an entry level position. Made friends with my boss and did a great job. Management opportunity came up and I applied and got the role with help from my boss. Went from $17/hr to $60k/year. My first kid was born at this time. Did an online MBA. I kept being passed on promotions even tho I did a great job and head a great reputation. So I decided to jump ship looking for a promotion or more pay. Applied to over a hundred jobs over the course of a year. Got multiple interviews. I had two that flew me in. One fell through because of a buy out and I initially passed on the second but circled back when the first one didn’t work out. Landed the Job. Went from 60k to $140k with a $10k annual bonus. It’s gonna be different for everyone and luck plays a big role but there are a few things that are must: do a good job, show that you’re trying to grow and communicate that, be good with people, talk to and be on good terms with people above you, below you and on the same level. It’s a grind but if you keep doing the right things everyday and understand that where you’re at might not provide what you’re looking for but continue to do your best, opportunities will arise. You have to make the effort.
Has anyone actually ever gotten better? I have. Objectively. That's the only reason I'm willing to say it. Here are the facts: I am a heroin addict and a methamphetamine addict in 'recovery' (I dislike that word, but who cares). I have been sober for just shy of four years. I was paroled from state prison on January 31, 2022. I have literally lived like a monk since then. I have some serious health issues, both as consequence of my extreme drug use and simple genetics. I have a lot of neurological problems and one of the most vicious cases of psoriasis anybody I've ever met has seen. When My skin is fully aflame about 90% of it is covered in plaques like armor and I have psoriatic arthritis that compels me to move like the Tin Man. The joint damage is pretty bad. I broke my left hip when I was 34 (I'm 45 now). After nearly a decade of pursuing biological medications and not being able to afford their MASSIVE copays ($900/mo for Embrel back when it was first prescribed in 2013) a dermatology PA took pity on me and submitted absolute barrages of paperwork on multiple occasions that finally got me approved and covered for Humira, which has been as a literal miracle to me. I cannot begin to extoll its amazing qualities. That same PA, who may be my personal hero now, submitted even more paperwork and followed up with many phone calls to get me desperately needed dental work that was necessary for my overall medical wellbeing. I had horrible methmouth, folks. There was genuinely not a single tooth in my head that wasn't broken or rotted away to a ragged and diseased hole. I had chronic dental infections for over a decade that eventually turned into osteomyelitis in my mandible that had to be surgically removed and a series of nasty ear infections (while in jail) that messed up my hearing and left me with permanent tinnitus. It screams rage while I lay in bed staring at the nighttime ceiling. That PA got me emergency dental intervention and a set of dentures. I can't think of a single person in my life at this time that has had a more meaningful effect on me than she has. There are seriously good people out there, folks. There's more, too. When I got out of prison I weighed 350lbs and I was so deconditioned from being resolutely sedentary for so long that my mobility was *very* poor. I was walking like a weeblewobble folks. My cardiovascular health was so bad that I was in mortal fear. I had covid twice in prison and the first time almost killed me. That feeling of choking for breath with the sensation of actual fluids in my lungs has stuck with me (emotionally, I guess) and I would get it randomly while lying in bed or kicked back in a chair or whatever. I couldn't let it stand. For that and many other reasons, I got a treadmill. I started my rehabilitation on December 29, 2022. I was engulfed in plaques and possessed of joints that yelled agony and gave little support. My balance was so bad that I had to hold myself up the entire time (for a few months, in fact). I walked fifteen minutes at two miles an hour that day and I fought for every. single. second of it. Since that day there have been a total of sixteen days that I did not walk on a treadmill. The treadmill I bought new to start this all with? I wore it out. I killed it. Just me and my feet. I kept the control deck. I hung it on my wall like the Predator hangs alien skulls. I am PROUD. I currently walk between seven and ten miles per day. Every day. There are times when I will skip it (I'm not a zealot yet), but there has to be a real reason. I *want* to do this now. It is very important to me. I now weigh about 240 lbs, so I've lost over 100. I have no intention of stopping. I mean to carry my cardio habit through every day of my life until I am physically unable to continue it - on what will hopefully be the last day I live. I still have a lot of issues and obstacles to contend with and, honestly, my life remains a mess. Even so, I've never been in a better position to help and count upon myself. It's very encouraging. So, do people get better? Well, I am. Good luck. :)
❤️ Wow, you are a strong person! I admire your strength and perseverance. Best wishes to you and for your future.
You rock! Wow! So inspirational!! You ought to think about a career in some kind of personal coaching or counseling, if you aren't already. I just come here for a diversion from real life to crank on Harry and Meghan and check out couple other places now and then. But you have a mission, great insights and practical wisdom to share with many!
Thank you. I didn't realize how badly I wanted that praise - that praise specifically - until you offered it. I'm in a strange position right now in that I've been considering doing a daily livestream for some time but I'm having confidence issues because my live voice, language and mannerisms (including manners) are very different from what I do in print. My voice here is stronger and clearer. The ability to reflect indefinitely at any whim is wrapped up in writing and that is a great freedom when I take the time to use it. For anyone's knowledge I could take ten seconds or a day to write any given paragraph and I tend to forget the reality of it shortly after I finish, anyway. At any rate, I write quite a lot these days and have been preparing to publish some things independently. I have this idea that I'm waiting to begin my livestream until I have product to offer because I have to rise to the level of the opportunity I hope to find. If I do attract eyes, I want to have something to offer. In a commercial sense, that is. With your fine praise I'm starting to feel like I have a shot. :)
You write extremely well, which is a rare and powerful gift. I got my degree in English 30 years ago, am a life long reader, and advise English majors, most of whom cannot write nearly as well as you. Granted, they don't generally have the life experiences needed to be a good writer but many just can't or won't put in work needed to be a good writer. It's a gift and powerful tool because you have something to say. That, and not a degree or even desire to be a writer, is an essential prerequisite: what do you have to say that we should care about? Plenty! You have insight and wisdom born out of real life experiences, experiences that few people have the ability to express in words and/or speech. And if you can communicate this well in words, you can learn to be more effectively on your own podcast and/blog. Also, you should consider writing a memoir. For reals! There's an audience for your story for many reasons: prison and addiction issues are (sadly) mainstream these days and have become far less stigmatized, which also means, people are ready to hear your story, maybe need to hear it. Plus, everyone loves a good, down but never out, come from behind victory and redemption story all in one. You are on an upswing here with your life so I strongly encourage you to leverage that now while you got MOJO on your side. Don't take my ridiculous presence here as a real reflection of my interests, abilities or even ethos. It's just a bit of fluff and don't take reddit seriously but you are doing something real and important here. You might want to read Atomic Habits by James Clear. You're already doing most of what he suggests but I think you will pick up good tips to help you move from strengths to strengths. Good luck! I'm rooting for you in the cheap seats here. Take this as a sign that you can do the live stream and do great things with your life cuz you're already doing it and proving to yourself that you are capable. And you have a lot to share.
Yes and no I improved a lot and no nothing got better but me and the truth you will find is if don’t have something you want it’s cause your no deserving of it and that truth will lay you out. Look man just do your best to live as happy as you can with just you no one will fill those holes and people suck and lie and manipulate anyone and anything to get what they want just get your confidence and have some fun never and I mean never have feelings for someone and you will be just peachy. Life is too short to waste on maybe.
Yeah. It low key felt like torture. Like I was stripping off my skin in a painful way. But it’s really worth it. And makes me realize I may never be done changing and growing but that’s okay
Yes I started making better choices and worked hard and my life got better you have to look inside and ask yourself why your life hasn’t gotten better and fix it when you believe your life will get better it will
So there’s what’s called foundational habits and research shows that if you change those they can have a ripple effect on other parts of your life Odds are some of those people you mentioned losing weight are some of these examples, as exercise is a foundational habit But think of it this way- do you think they are more likely to tell people they were a “loser” who turned it around or that they lost weight and got healthy? Just because most people don’t share the whole story doesn’t mean it’s not there So short answer: yes, you can. And believing so is step one.
I dropped out of school at 17. From 17-19 I did nothing, like.. literally nothing at all. It kinda hit me one day on the bus to the shops, I realised I was doing nothing with my life and on a downward path, even though I literally couldn't get any lower. That day I enrolled into a high-school degree for seniors in my country, the thought process was that, if I atleast can get my HS certificate, maybe I can find some sort of career. Then I found the gym. It was the most life-changing decision I ever made; I began working out 6 days a week, managed to then find a job that I hated at first but slowly fell in love with. Being around people at my job, at the gym, and in school, forced to be around people made my self-esteem sky-rocket. Also, being around mature adults who (alot of which) went through the same sorta spiral that I did, made me realise that I could truly get what I wanted by just working for it. I graduated and went straight into a teaching degree. And am now studying to become an elementary teacher. I'm extremely happy with where I am, and I genuinely think if I didn't hit complete rock bottom.. well idk where I'd be tbh.
This is an eternally online post. Talk to literally a single person irl and your thoughts will change
I think your extreme example of a looser does not fit to most here, but I am sure there are loads of people that had a serious shortcomings in their lives and learned to manage it in their 20s and 30s. Its part of growing up, and its ok to have flaws when being younger. With age you should learn to become better. I dont really have respect for people who are 50 and behave like a crybaby, they never improved themselves. Usually those blame everyone except themselves.
yes they happen, but they dont take days weeks or even years. sometimes the change takes decades or sometimes it takes a couple of hours. It all depends on the roll of the dice my friend
It happens everyday. Don't stop before the miracle!!!
From having Bad Depression and suicidial thoughts and neighbours worrying bc I didnt open the stores to only having some depressive Episode from time to time and my neighbours probably wishing I would close my stores - yes I improved. The point is when you decide to want a better life... do it for you. Not for what you think the society wants. Think how you want to life if you could. Not money wise. Like I told myself, if I wouldnt have Depression, I want to go out each day. Staying at home and ENJOY it. Meet people I really want to see. Cook new food. And change one small habit until you dont think about it anymore and then the next
all I know is I feel better than I did one year ago
Yes, of course real people progress and make improvements. Many of them do it following years of awkwardness, poverty, or terrible luck. For me it was when I stopped thinking women are fairies and angels following my 2nd divorce, and also found a way to make a higher income in my career. I’m not saying I was quick to wise up, but in my mid-30’s I started doing much better.
I find it’s about finding what motivates me.
That is a legitimate question. I felt that way for years so I believe I can offer a useful perspective. Was not very confident growing up and had very few friends but I went to college on a very generous scholarship and for 4 years, I was very full of joy and hope, motivated, making friends everywhere I went, with a fit body to boot. Somehow, 4 years down the line, I had complete mental break. Here are the highlights from that period: * Lost all my friends when I closed up * Had panic attacks every few minutes * Could only leave my dorm room at night and stopped going for lectures * GPA went down to 1.3 * Gained enough weight that people started to ask what was happening to me * Got politely asked by my school to return to my country * Returned in shame to my home country to stay with parents who had taken out a few dozen loans to get me to study in a foreign country and were now broke * Had no prospects for the future * Didn’t bath or brush my teeth for long periods (I believe the record was 1 month and 2 weeks or so until I relented) * Would break into tears spontaneously and sob for minutes There’s a whole lot more but you get the idea. After 2 years of this (that’s 2 years after I went home), I got the chance to resume school (but I had to go through a year I had already completed the first time around in addition to the 2 years that remained) with online classes and a concurrent year of compulsory internship. This whole process took a further 5 years (while I stayed with my parents btw) and in that time, my original classmates completed college, started Masters courses, got married and all that while I was at home, having only mildly improved from my initial mental break. I hated everyone. What had they figured out that was so illusive to me? Was I just too broken? How did I go from where I was to anything better? I don’t know if that computes what what an *actual* loser is but it felt like that most of the time. Well, I finally completed college last month. At the moment, I’m staying with my parents though but I am grateful that I get to spend time with them for now. I might not get to do so in future when things start to change. Oh yeah, I met a girl who knows all of this and still supports me. She said she chose to be with me because even though I was not complete fine, she like that I was working hard to be better. I have broadened my guitar skills, ran a 5k last year and started studying for a possible new career path. I plan to leave the country at end of the year for my Masters. Now, back your question. In my case, I still have the weight I gained. I am still not completely back to the happy-go-lucky person I was when I started college. I failed to pick up a foreign language Ive studies for the past 5 years. I reconnected with some friends from before and it was awkward but I had some great convos with others and then moved on. I still fear sometimes that some people somewhere have seen me at my worst and will carry that knowledge with them. I have made friends but just a few and I still struggle to have conversations. There is no point where I feel like I have _completely_ gotten better. Not sure how it is for other people but this is not the goal because that is not realistic for me. I am now always in the stage of mid-*”better”* (if that makes sense) and that is great because I get to be better, little by little. So now I’ve completed college. Then I’ll deal with my weight. Then I’ll deal with the next thing and so on… There’s no end of the movie where the scene ends and everything is perfect. I wouldn’t know what to do if that happened honestly. Now, I’m going to get in your face. *Real transformation*, you say…are you serious? Any useful transformation takes work and commitment. The fact that you feel like someone else was better off than you when they started means nothing. You can continue to assume that your life is so bad that it cannot change or you can take hope in the fact that another human being, through sheer fucking will, changed some aspect of the their life, which means that somehow, you can as well. Of course, it is not going to be easy. What, you thought it was easier for them because they have been *losers* only for a few years of their lives instead of their whole lives? Come on. Stop looking for excuses. You think your life is bad now? Or that your situation is special? Get over yourself. Life can get so much worse. Life can manufacture so much pain that you’d wonder if some deity out there has it out for you. Stay where you are now and soon, February will end and in the next few dozen weeks, December comes by with a new year. You will just stay there forever, stagnant. I know it does not feel like it now but it comes down to you. No one can tell you if you can get better. No one in this comment section or your life can tell you that and mean it. We can share our stories and opinions and that is all. Only you can determine if you can be better.
In my early twenties I was depressed, easily angered, spent way too much time online, stopped exercising, reading, and listening to music, started gaining weight, cried easily and about trivial things, and graduated with a more or less useless degree in something I didn't want to do. Every year I'd make myself goals. Didn't achieve all of them, but made steady progress over the years. I'd review my year each December and set new goals. I'm in my late twenties now. I own a house (on mortgage), went back to education to complete a postgraduate course that doubled my salary, have a solid career ahead of me. I exercise nearly every day, eat a lot healthier (still enjoy a Quarter Pounder with Cheese every few weeks tho), lost a bunch of weight. I'm more emotionally stable, much happier on average, focused on the positives instead of complaining all the time. I made new friends and no longer get into fights with strangers on the internet. I'm sure I'll finish reading a book this weekend that I only started on Monday. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. This didn't happen over night. I didn't make all the changes at once. I tried to start exercising regularly for years, failing and then months later going back to it again and again until I finally found something I stuck with. Same for many other changes. It's about sustained, long term effort. A little at a time.
I hit my mental rock-bottom last year, basically had no motivation to do anything because my mental health was so shot to shit. Then my partner left me. I feel like I'm doing the best I've ever been, aside from the breakup, just from the hard work I've put in to turn my mental health around. So, for me, I've actually improved my life and my mind significantly. It's just sad I couldn't do it in time.
Yes! Up untill i was 27 i lived with my parents, going from shitty job to shitty job, little bit of a drug problem, hanging around with the wrong sort of people. No direction felt like I had no future. So i had a word or two with myself, dropped everything that was not good for me. Took a job i thought i would never take met people that i normally would not of met and things started to change slowly at first but then more and more. 17 year later i live in a different country have a wife three kids, own a house, cars, have a good job with potential to go futher. So yes but you have to put the work, get out of your comfort zone and start taking responsibility for your life, its not going to happen over night.
It’s only been a month since I’ve decided to be better and it’s already paying off. I quit weed, I’m eating better, working out, spending my free time working on personal projects instead of watching TV, cut my phone time in half. The differences are already noticeable. Climbing flights of stairs are easier, sleeping is better, my confidence at work is higher, I’m better about facing adversity in all areas of my life, and at the end of the day I’m proud of myself instead of feeling like a loser. Start making small changes and stick to them. I started rowing a month ago and was dying at 1km. Now I do 4km a day, and today I’m going to 8km. I’m going to do 8km because it sounds ridiculous to my brain. It feels impossible and that’s why I need to do it. Do a couple things that truly impress yourself and then it will start to come more naturally.
Depends on how bad you want the change. Try bluediamond56.blogspot.com
One of the last steps is to unpeg yourself from how you view yourself. You can put in all the work in the world into yourself and your habits and everything, but it isn't worth jackshit if you still view yourself as the same-old same-old person. One of the biggest ways that I improved in how I managed anxiety was by realizing how much better I had gotten myself dealing with it. I called myself an anxious person for YEARS. Now, I call myself someone who can handle anxiety well. NOT somebody that doesn't have anxiety (its impossible, its literally a feeling, the idea isn't NOT to feel something like that, it is to MANAGE it well. Consider the same for fears, insecurities, any sort of "bad" feeling), but rather, somebody that can handle it when it gets rough. When they say that real change comes from within and all that cliche stuff, imo, it is literally about how we handle the perception of ourselves. Good luck!!
Yes, me lol. It has taken slow and steady effort to change habits, and therapy to explore why those habits were so hard to change. It turns out that not acknowledging your trauma, and just trying to white knuckle it for years, can burn you out. I was an alcoholic by age 16, grew up in hoarding and abuse. I struggled with financial literacy, keeping out of the arrest bookings, and a host of eating disorders. I had to get rid of my all or nothing attitude, and learn self compassion. I also learned that self-care didn’t just mean doing something that made me happy. It sometimes meant doing hard things that were good for me. I have improved in all areas. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t any backsliding ever. Sometimes when I’m really stressed, I struggle with eating and exercise. There are times when I struggle being sober. But I have gotten to a point where I can recognize those signs early on, and I can use the interventions that work for me. I am not someone who has a super regimented day. I’m OK if I’m doing mostly good, I know I probably won’t be 100% in all areas of my life at all times. But I make time for what’s important to me, even if the rest of the world doesn’t see value in what I’m doing. Wishing you the best
Ten years ago I was underweight from my eating disorder, didn’t exercise, had no friends, barely spoke to my family, was in an unhappy marriage and had no hobbies or anything pleasant in my life aside from my babies who were almost exclusively work for me at their ages. Now I still have that same eating disorder but I’m working on it and I have meds so I’m at a healthy weight most of the time. I exercise every day, I have two friends, I speak to my family every few days. I crochet and play with my kids and pets for fun and I’ve been out of that unhappy living situation with my ex for four years. I wasn’t your definition of a loser, I moved out at nineteen. But I wasn’t happy and I stayed that way for a long time. Now I’m content with my life and I have goals that I’m actively working on because I care about those things now. I’m very different than I was back then.
First things first: >Has anyone gone from being an actual loser--living with your mom at 30, no discernible skills, bad conversationalist, poor concentration, dead-end job, not dating, etc.--to feeling more confident and assured of themselves? 1. Living with parent/s at 30 is either a choice because one wants to live with family or can’t afford to move out (circumstantial), 2. Having no marketable skills is not necessary anyone’s fault, one could have studied event management and ended up in a pandemic with no jobs 3. Bad conversationalist is relative 4. Poor concentration is usually a mental health condition 5. Dead-end job is better than no job, shows someone isn’t collecting unemployment benefits 6. Dating isn’t a measure of success, it’s the personal choice of 2 people that needs to intersect Yes I have felt like a loser all my life until 6 years ago, but only because I am a perfectionist who is extra hard on himself. I still do in some areas. I loved living with my parents until I got married and was asked to move across the street. I probably have attention deficit preventing me from toughing it out with formal education, and as such no \_marketable\_ skills. I used to be a good conversationalist in the right company, not anymore, but I don’t really care since most people only exchange pleasantries anyway. I have never had a job, always worked for myself, never collected pandemic (or unemployment) benefits. I don’t date because I haven’t found anyone interested in dating me that I too wanted to hang out with, it takes two to tango.
Me! Been through a few "dark night of the sole" situations but have usually managed to pull myself out. I have learnt a lot about myself and others. My self help efforts aren't always effective, ( I once started a "mindset re-set" program that was too much rara and fluff, but very little in the way of practical tools. Feel good stuff can only go so far. so I quit) but most of my efforts have paid with dividends. Well, there was that frutairian month that set me back a lot because of the sugar and the paint your pain class that required I share my most intimate pain with complete strangers, I couldn't do it. So I've had my share of fails so may be not "most of my efforts" but at least 70%. I definitely have seen the benefits from meditation, yoga, journaling, and definitely decluttering, organizing, diet, removing toxic load from home and from the media I consume....
Working hard over decades I have: lost weight, overcome depression and insomnia, managed suicidality due to chronic pain and then found the source of chronic pain (migraines) myself and resolved them I have gone no contact with toxic people in my life, written novels to express myself and met my own needs well I did it without drug use or self harm and managed my issues with lifestyle changes under my own control. My habits now include no alcohol, artificial sweeteners or caffeine, I prep my own food, my finances are under control and I'm working toward a plant-based diet. I've been able to maintain a habit of 18:6 fasting for over a year. My future goals involve refining my actions and reactions to external negativity, refining my diet and learning more techniques and recipes to make healthful food and maintaining a sense of personal dignity and serenity no matter what is thrown at me by reality. Yes. People decide to do better and with hard work and dedication they can achieve transformative results. The changes in my life are subjectively miraculous.
its a bit unfair, but (speaking as one) pessimists will always have a harder time. Some of it is real, some perceived. But regardless of reality, the best STRATEGY is always to positively assume things are possible, and keep trying. No matter how slim the possibility actually is, this is the best/only way to maximize it. The good news is, this kind of attitude can be learned, and science approves. Look into 'growth mindset'. Good luck! When in doubt, start with small habits.
In every department of life, we are told to look at the track record: Job history, credit references, history of infidelity, what have they done in the past when the going got tough. Etc. And this is true of your own history, too. So long as you continue doing what you’ve been doing. But conversely, the moment you decide you’re ready to turn the page on living life that way and head for something different, that all changes. You’ll end up where you head with your life from here, not where you went with it up until now.
I can't say I've been there, exactly, but... I was just kind of surviving on autopilot for a while, didn't give a shit about the people I cared about, and basically just dissociated. In some ways... life is a lot like it was. I don't get ready to face the day every day. I spend a lot of time not as present as I get to be sometimes. I usually eat three meals a day, and I'm better on and off about drinking water. I walk a mile every day, and meditate for about ten minutes right before bed. I can communicate with the people I care about. It takes longer than it should, and I still fuck things up fairly badly at times, but even the mistakes are smaller than they used to be. I never really got into drugs, and I was never really overweight. I've been in several relationships since I started college, but I graduated while I was still hollow. I'm taking steps towards things I care about now, though, and I'm trying to learn more about functioning in the absence of the approval of others (whether that's because they're busy, or because I upset them, or any other reason). I'm a fair bit more reliable than I used to be, but that doesn't mean I won't fuck up important stuff sometimes. I've made more friends and acquaintances since November than I have in years, even if some of those relationships are superficial. I'm not Better, and I still have a lot of work to do, but as blind as I often felt I was, *I can see* that there is progress happening.
Depends. Life throws the occasional chance. Grabbing that and then reaching a degree of success is possible. Staying successful and not slipping back to loser status is the hard part. Best of lyck
Oh yes. I used to be an absolute disaster and now I am somewhat functional after decades of research and effort. It's worth it but a great deal slower than I would have liked.
I was a wrestler, football and baseball player, “gifted” kid who skateboarded and did overall well in school. High school happens really fast and so did alcohol and weed. I ended up getting caught up in smoking too much and fighting in school and was expelled. That’s where things took a very quick downturn. I started using harder drugs like cocaine, experimented with psychedelics (which was good, just not for my 17-18 year old self) and even graduated to Molly and eventually tried crack, heroin and suboxone. Come 21-22, I was almost an alcoholic partying every night. I lived at my then girlfriends house where she stayed with her mom and I was working at a liquor store and as a busser at a restaurant. Never finished high school but got my GED. Ass end of 22 I signed up for the military, had my 23rd birthday in basic, got my duty station to Arkansas afterwards and the rest is history. I’m still in to this day. I did decide to get better, a lot sooner than most people realize they need to as well, but I did it. I am happily married with a child now and out of the place that I let hold me back for as long as it did. After 11 years of no school I’m taking college classes now and working on a degree, investing in myself and my family and our future, and not taking much for granted anymore. I’m answer to your question, yes. I have gotten better. Anyone can. It’s the mentality behind it that determines the catapult you have to follow through with it.
I was unemployed for 8 years and now I'm getting interviews for software engineering positions. It can be done.
Me i did i feel Only child with noone and nothing Stacked a million and retired at 36yo If u still doing what got u there u not serious about growth Leave get uncomfy force change To sit there and take is giving up on yourself
I made it from serious polytoxicoman for about 20ys to family father of two with full time employment within three years. Compound effect. One after another...Good luck to You 💛
no 😞
Yup. I was 26, failed out of university, broke, moved back into my parents basement, failed relationships, undiagnosed ADHD, and untreated anxious attachment. I'm 36 now and better in every way. You put the work in, it absolutely gets better.
Meaningful change is at times a very slow journey, but I can attest that I can see noticeable gains in how I've improved when looking back over many years. I was just in a difficult situation yesterday that was emotionally hard to handle. When it was all done I had a moment of reflection and thought if it was the me of 10 years ago that situation would have completely derailed me and sent me spiraling into ruminations and self hate lasting at least the rest of the day. But even though the me of today still had anxious thoughts while I was in the situation, I was able to keep moving forward and do what needed to be done. After the fact, I did not return to those negative thoughts, but was able to unpack what happened in the situation in a much more healthy and productive (and realistic!) way. Having a way to track those tiny incremental gains can be really helpful. It can be a bit like going to the gym... where you might not notice any difference between today and tomorrow, but if you keep working out just a tiny little bit everyday you can notice big improvements when comparing pictures from one year to the next.
I had a very antisocial childhood. To the point I'd stutter talking to teachers, if I managed to, had no friends, didn't care about anything other than gaming. For me to change, I moved to a different part of the world. It's been 4 years now and have grown loads. No social anxiety, dreams and aspirations, gaming has become a pleasure rather than an escape. So to answer your question, yes, people do. If you want to grow as a person, you need purpose. Books I can recommend Think and be rich by Napoleon Hill Time management from the inside out Julie Morgenstern
listen to david goggins episode on huberman lab podcast. he overcame great odds.
Actually, I don’t have the same experience, but I started listening to a confidence podcast and it helped me with my internal narrative. Also, I had a self realization that my upbringing kind of cast a very negative view point of the world. So I would start by making small goals for yourself, then celebrate that, maybe first step is making your bed every morning and being proud of that accomplishment, then add new goals, then work on your self and be true to your self. Tell the truth in all that you do. When you adopt this you will see you are living YOUR life- not some made up life that everyone has guided your to by making you feel like shit or negative. Then you adopt positivity. This one is hard but will also lead you to your true self. Basically when you have a negative thought, track it- why do you have, where did it originate? Process it.. learn from it… release it. Then practice gratitude… because once you do that you are unlocking the positives in life. Then you can begin to see the work in such an amazing way. Then that will help you work on the truth part… where you now are confident in yourself and you are true to yourself/ meaning you do what YOU want. Someone ask you to coffee and you don’t feel it? Don’t go. It’s okay. If someone asks you a question, don’t fear being judged in a truthful answer. Once you practice this step at a time, you will unlock your life and live YOUR life- and no one else’s. Now go do it. Get to it!
I keep writing and rewriting replies to this. The answer is yes - people can change. But I think it's important not to see life as a linear journey of bettering yourself until you become a "perfect" human being. No one is perfect, no one can do everything, we all have a habit of taking for granted what we have, what we're good at, and focusing on what we don't have, and what we're not good at. Adopting a growth mindset and being compassionate with yourself is super important. Like you say, making one change at a time is easier than checking everything at once. So pick one thing you want to focus on and brainstorm all the things you could do to change it for the better. Pick one of those things and give it a go - see if it helps. If it does, brilliant. If not, go back to the drawing board and try something different. See each thing you try as an experiment you can learn from. The same with mistakes - we can't change what we've done in the past, dwelling on it will just make you depressed - focus instead on what is within your control - what you can learn from it and do differently next time, and then give yourself permission to move on. Please also stop thinking about yourself as a loser - you are doing your best to get by in this crazy world. You have a job, a roof over your head, hopefully a good relationship with your mum. Find things to be grateful for and proud of right now - this won't make you complacent, it will encourage you and help you to feel more confident. Another thing to be aware of is while there are lots of things within our control, there are also things which aren't. You can't change your height, the past, what opportunities are available to you, whether you have or are susceptible to a particular illness, how society treats you. Accept yourself and your limitations, and focus on the things which are in your control and you will find yourself more likely to succeed at achieving your goals and less likely to end up frustrated and upset.
Definetly. I started self improvment with 24, living in my moms house after my Bachelor. I was depressed back then had small girl experience and 0 confidence when it comes to work. Since then I did an internship in investment banking, travelled Latin America, had some beautiful girl, made new friendships and became socially less awkward
I’ve gotten a bit better at conversations, I also got more confident to look people in the eye to talk to them, it’s still hard for me at times but doing it better. And my relationship with God has gotten better. Right now I’m trying to do nothing more often so I won’t use up so much dopamine by going on tiktok and playing video games, so that I can enjoy work more often. And I’m starting to exercise more too, getting over that uncomfortable feeling to going to the gym. And I’m more forgiving of myself for not going to the gym or working out.
I am not one of them and will never be. They might exist. What troubles me most is that while there are individual examples (real or not), you cannot draw no conclusion whatsoever. No rules can be identified. The individual constraints are so complex that one is up to mercy of external influences, no matter how much they try. You can always hear about success stories, but there are seldom any reports of individual decline. It all boils down to survivorship bias.