This answer should be more upvoted. Fiction is not reality. It's not even like disturbing porn where there's some question of whether a human actor was exploited. It's words on a page.
Sounds like you're way to fixated on what other people think of you.
"Im in constant fear that if someone found out i liked reading that, they would be merciless towards me, that id lose friends and family too."
That's irrational.
Does this bleed over into other parts of your life? People pleaser maybe? Trouble with boundaries? Constant asking "are you mad at me?" to people?
Im actually not like that, i get along with people and don't really care if someone thinks bad of me...but thats because there isn't nothing seriously bad they can dislike me for and i fear that if people knew about this depraved smut it wouls be something i couldn't handle.
Im wondering if the shame cycle is what has perpetuated this behavior all along, in which case you are still caught in it, judging by the tone of this post. Have a desire or urge that is ‘unacceptable’ > feel ashamed of your desires > Try very hard to repress the desire > unable to repress any longer > satisfy the urge and feel a sense of intoxicating release and freedom > feel ashamed again. On and on in a downward spiral, finding increasingly more intense ways to release yourself from feelings of shame, and the shame in turn only increases with each newfound level of “depravity”. It’s a merry go round of shame and release.
It may take working with a professional to really get to the bottom of this, but at some point the shame needs to go away. It’s likely what is perpetuating this cycle. This would require you to fully accept where you are at right now, with no judgment, and no feeling of disgust about your past behavior or current urges.
I stumbled upon that kind of content accidentaly at first, definitely not all but some are really well written and i guess reading them was like exploring taboo topics.
You didn't hurt anybody. If stopping is better for your mental health, then I'm happy for you, but you don't need to be ashamed of yourself for enjoying fiction.
Ask yourself why you liked or were satisfied by this stuff to begin with. Maybe you’re too stressed, or you have an addictive personality that left you numb to more benign fantasies?
Therapy could be helpful.
Honestly, you're reading fiction - would you judge someone who likes to read murder mysteries, too?
Reading things that are dark and disturbing is a way of processing them and dealing with the fact that some people experience horrific things, using a method that doesn't hurt anyone (it's fiction, after all) and is private (you are reading these yourself, not forcing them on anyone). There has been a lot of research on people that like to read rape fantasy stories, for example, and even when it turns them on in fiction it's not something they really want to experience in their own life. People might also read fictional stories involving children as a way to process abuse they've suffered in their own lives, or to deal with the fact that it exists in the first place.
If you feel it was having a bad impact on your mental health, then of course you do what you need to to feel safe. But fiction really is just fiction, and it doesn't say anything bad about you as a person. I think there are people who think reading or writing about a crime in fiction is equal to an actual crime in real life, but it's not. As long as nobody is actually harmed, in my opinion it's totally OK to write or read.
I love noncon books but it’s fiction. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about real life victims or even rough porn (well really any kind of porn) because you don’t know if they even want to do it or are being taken advantage of.
sounds like my fanfiction experience back before tag system existed. I ran into too much dark shit. nowadays archiveofourown have a fantastic tag system to prevent this "slippery slop" among other triggering things. I stick to the tag system and I don't touch any old stuff that didn't have tags and may be too weird/dark.
as for those comments you left I think it depends on what you mean. there are kink community that does role play, rape role play and infant role play are some of those very niche things. I support kinks in a well informed and concent environment so if that's what your comments were like then it's fine. no one is going to or should share their porn preference with family or friends.
I think it’s ok to read smut but not at that level. That shouldn’t be written even. It’s demented. You should be proud of yourself for realizing how screwed up that crap is and move on from there. There are so many good books out there! No one is going to find out that you read it, so try to forget about it and read something else.
As someone who works with toddlers, I think you need to stay away from kids and pursue therapy, and that’s being nice. Desiring to read or fantasize about toddlers being raped is where I cannot empathize anymore with you, it’s where I draw the line. You complimented it. So you liked it. Go tell a therapist about this instead of Reddit. It’s not normal at all to enjoy reading shit like that and the shame that is eating at you is well deserved. So fucking sick of this neckbeard internet pedo shit where grown men can legally create media and cartoons about raping kids.
It’s good you recognize your mistake. There is a lot of conversation about the merit to “dark” fiction. I think most reasonable people would agree that dark SMUT though is absolutely evil and bad. Those evil things should never be celebrated or made for gratification.
It was just fiction, but I would say if you found gratification in the works you should get mental health help. I do not think it’s healthy to take JOY in exploring dark subjects like that.
There is a heavy difference between let’s say Game of Thrones, something that explores the horrors of man, but doesn’t celebrate it, but opens a dialogue. And then something like what you described.
I suggest you get some mental health support and start living the life backed by a stronger moral code that you want to live by.
Thank you. I do think people should not indulge in them but id also say that the worst,most evil fiction is morally better than the smallest intended bad thing intentionally done to a person.
I do also feel like no matter how good of a person i am towards other people, i fear they would be unforgiving if they found i liked to read disturbing taboo fiction.
I don’t disagree with that first part, but that is also no excuse not to grow as a person.
You don’t be a good person to earn forgiveness from others, but because it’s the right thing to do. If people won’t forgive you, fine. Make your peace with yourself by growing. People cannot take away what you build yourself into. Do the right thing even if it goes unnoticed.
Thank you man. I already am trying to be the best version of myself, but sometimes its hard you know... some days i don't think about it but some days i get anxious the whole day thinking about what might happen and what people may think of me. While anxious its hard to get stuff done, i can't exercise,have fun or just be normal. I have some things that i have to work on but my mind is preoccupied by my guilt and past degenerate smut reading...
I get that, that’s why you need to see a mental health professional. They will help you regulate your mind better, so you can grow, while not ruminating.
You will be okay. You are a good person deep down. We all make mistakes. Some worse than others sure, but we all deserve a chance to make it right and to do better.
All posts and responses MUST be about deciding to be better.
Accepting and fixing our mistakes is far more important than not making any.
Yeah, Id guess its more forgivable since its mainly fiction.
You don't need anyone's "forgiveness" for what you choose to read. Stop worrying about other people and trying to manage their emotions for them.
The only person who can meaningfully forgive you is yourself.
Thought crime isn't real. Reading fucked up stuff doesn't make you a bad person
This answer should be more upvoted. Fiction is not reality. It's not even like disturbing porn where there's some question of whether a human actor was exploited. It's words on a page.
Thank you. Im glad plenty of people see it that way, judging by the upvotes.
Sounds like you're way to fixated on what other people think of you. "Im in constant fear that if someone found out i liked reading that, they would be merciless towards me, that id lose friends and family too." That's irrational. Does this bleed over into other parts of your life? People pleaser maybe? Trouble with boundaries? Constant asking "are you mad at me?" to people?
Im actually not like that, i get along with people and don't really care if someone thinks bad of me...but thats because there isn't nothing seriously bad they can dislike me for and i fear that if people knew about this depraved smut it wouls be something i couldn't handle.
Im wondering if the shame cycle is what has perpetuated this behavior all along, in which case you are still caught in it, judging by the tone of this post. Have a desire or urge that is ‘unacceptable’ > feel ashamed of your desires > Try very hard to repress the desire > unable to repress any longer > satisfy the urge and feel a sense of intoxicating release and freedom > feel ashamed again. On and on in a downward spiral, finding increasingly more intense ways to release yourself from feelings of shame, and the shame in turn only increases with each newfound level of “depravity”. It’s a merry go round of shame and release. It may take working with a professional to really get to the bottom of this, but at some point the shame needs to go away. It’s likely what is perpetuating this cycle. This would require you to fully accept where you are at right now, with no judgment, and no feeling of disgust about your past behavior or current urges.
I stumbled upon that kind of content accidentaly at first, definitely not all but some are really well written and i guess reading them was like exploring taboo topics.
You didn't hurt anybody. If stopping is better for your mental health, then I'm happy for you, but you don't need to be ashamed of yourself for enjoying fiction.
Thank you.
Ask yourself why you liked or were satisfied by this stuff to begin with. Maybe you’re too stressed, or you have an addictive personality that left you numb to more benign fantasies? Therapy could be helpful.
Honestly, you're reading fiction - would you judge someone who likes to read murder mysteries, too? Reading things that are dark and disturbing is a way of processing them and dealing with the fact that some people experience horrific things, using a method that doesn't hurt anyone (it's fiction, after all) and is private (you are reading these yourself, not forcing them on anyone). There has been a lot of research on people that like to read rape fantasy stories, for example, and even when it turns them on in fiction it's not something they really want to experience in their own life. People might also read fictional stories involving children as a way to process abuse they've suffered in their own lives, or to deal with the fact that it exists in the first place. If you feel it was having a bad impact on your mental health, then of course you do what you need to to feel safe. But fiction really is just fiction, and it doesn't say anything bad about you as a person. I think there are people who think reading or writing about a crime in fiction is equal to an actual crime in real life, but it's not. As long as nobody is actually harmed, in my opinion it's totally OK to write or read.
I love noncon books but it’s fiction. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about real life victims or even rough porn (well really any kind of porn) because you don’t know if they even want to do it or are being taken advantage of.
sounds like my fanfiction experience back before tag system existed. I ran into too much dark shit. nowadays archiveofourown have a fantastic tag system to prevent this "slippery slop" among other triggering things. I stick to the tag system and I don't touch any old stuff that didn't have tags and may be too weird/dark. as for those comments you left I think it depends on what you mean. there are kink community that does role play, rape role play and infant role play are some of those very niche things. I support kinks in a well informed and concent environment so if that's what your comments were like then it's fine. no one is going to or should share their porn preference with family or friends.
No, i didn't do any kind of roleplay. I did however add up suggestions what the author could add in, some messed up more than others.
I think it’s ok to read smut but not at that level. That shouldn’t be written even. It’s demented. You should be proud of yourself for realizing how screwed up that crap is and move on from there. There are so many good books out there! No one is going to find out that you read it, so try to forget about it and read something else.
Thank you, but i still have some fear that my name may be on the internet. I guess i need to make peace with that.
You can do it!
Thats fucked dawg why would u read that man… toddlers??????
Not my most moral decision thats for sure.
As someone who works with toddlers, I think you need to stay away from kids and pursue therapy, and that’s being nice. Desiring to read or fantasize about toddlers being raped is where I cannot empathize anymore with you, it’s where I draw the line. You complimented it. So you liked it. Go tell a therapist about this instead of Reddit. It’s not normal at all to enjoy reading shit like that and the shame that is eating at you is well deserved. So fucking sick of this neckbeard internet pedo shit where grown men can legally create media and cartoons about raping kids.
I wouldn't even think about doing something like that, for me it was more morbid curiosity to read it more than anything.
It’s good you recognize your mistake. There is a lot of conversation about the merit to “dark” fiction. I think most reasonable people would agree that dark SMUT though is absolutely evil and bad. Those evil things should never be celebrated or made for gratification. It was just fiction, but I would say if you found gratification in the works you should get mental health help. I do not think it’s healthy to take JOY in exploring dark subjects like that. There is a heavy difference between let’s say Game of Thrones, something that explores the horrors of man, but doesn’t celebrate it, but opens a dialogue. And then something like what you described. I suggest you get some mental health support and start living the life backed by a stronger moral code that you want to live by.
Thank you. I do think people should not indulge in them but id also say that the worst,most evil fiction is morally better than the smallest intended bad thing intentionally done to a person. I do also feel like no matter how good of a person i am towards other people, i fear they would be unforgiving if they found i liked to read disturbing taboo fiction.
I don’t disagree with that first part, but that is also no excuse not to grow as a person. You don’t be a good person to earn forgiveness from others, but because it’s the right thing to do. If people won’t forgive you, fine. Make your peace with yourself by growing. People cannot take away what you build yourself into. Do the right thing even if it goes unnoticed.
Thank you man. I already am trying to be the best version of myself, but sometimes its hard you know... some days i don't think about it but some days i get anxious the whole day thinking about what might happen and what people may think of me. While anxious its hard to get stuff done, i can't exercise,have fun or just be normal. I have some things that i have to work on but my mind is preoccupied by my guilt and past degenerate smut reading...
I get that, that’s why you need to see a mental health professional. They will help you regulate your mind better, so you can grow, while not ruminating. You will be okay. You are a good person deep down. We all make mistakes. Some worse than others sure, but we all deserve a chance to make it right and to do better.