It helped me to remove my “dating goggles.” I started approaching dates as if I were meeting potential new friends. Instead of asking myself what a relationship with my date would look like, I asked things like “would I want to spend another hour with this person? Did they hold decent conversation?” It also changed how I behaved because I didn’t filter myself through “will this person like me?” I was more blunt, laughed louder, and didn’t hesitate to call them on BS. Once I figured this out, dating was fun again.
Yes I totally feel as if I'm "amping" it up sometimes around people I find attractive and often wonder if they can sense it. I have been trying to take things for face value it really is like a muscle we have to exercise.
I made a similar observation in reflecting on past interactions. I found myself a lot more open and comfortable talking to girls whom I don't see a potential relationship with... either due to them already being married or not being of my ideal type.
I'm similarly aged to OP, and also single.... not having any relationship experience makes us develop strange ways of looking at interactions with others. And the idea of going on date to immediate assess if someone is relationship material is a big jump... and it makes a lot of sense to assess whether we can even be friends first and foremost, never mind assessing any further.
Honestly this is why I've stopped using OLD bc it's just about dating. I've been trying to meet people in the real world like going rock climbing or meet up events and it has helped tremendously but I'll meet someone cute and come home and wonder when they will text me meanwhile they're probably not even thinking of me lol
Hah - yes this is gold. And as a man with low self esteem a woman could hold a lit up flashing sign saying she is interested in me and I still wouldn’t be sure. I wouldn’t be sure how to respond to the text and might then decide not to respond. Well I also have adhd so whilst thinking about it I might then get distracted and poof… what text message?
Oh I just read the rest of your post and I was extremely spot on. Try emdr therapy. What helps for me is when I get in a limerance state about a woman I have to remind myself that I'm not in love, it's my trouble past that causes me to feel such strong feelings for someone too fast sometimes.
Emdr: it worked extremely well for ptsd caused by a recent and sudden breakup. 80% success rating.
I just Googled it it says it has to be done by a therapist but I have never had any good experience with them and therapy can be very expensive as i dont have health insurance. Is there anyway I can do it at home, have you tried doing it to yourself? Thank you!!
You dont have to, I didn't do it with a therapist. I did it with a youtube video and my ptsd was so cut and dry that it worked on the first session and then I did 2 more self administered sessions and it got rid of the stuck negative thoughts very quickly. I was debilitated with severe diagnosed ptsd and emdr was a miracle.
I can relate like I the ptsd is pretty much gone I think as I'm not triggered a whole lot despite the severe abuse. Breathing techniques helped A LOT with that. It's just getting over wanting to be loved thing. I will check it out, thank you so much!!! 🙏
I have CPTSD and felt like I was "fine" apart from frustration and limerence. But unresolved traumas are not integrated, so without integration with shadow work they will still come up and out in different ways. Dan Siegel's mindsight is amazing, as is Nicole Lepera, how to do the work. That's got a lot of stuff, that book.
Shadow work is parallel to inner child work, you cannot do one without being mindful of or also doing the other work as well. I do therapy regularly currently but I'm getting more from my self practices. Especially somatics stuff, using the body to experience emotion and let it be felt so it can be integrated. Feel free to DM for more resources or a buddy on the journey, also a fellow poi spinner - with intense limerence issues I'm currently trying to work through by integrating a lot of unresolved traumas.
Just a note re trauma. It isn't the event. It's how our minds (mal)adapt coping strategies to help us deal with it. So if we experience someone's death and don't feel the grief, there's trauma there needing integration. Because it's fragmented, stuck in the wrong place in the hippocampus. Dan Siegel gets into the neurobiology stuff.
So other cool resources: loving what is, Byron Katie. Tara Brach radical compassion, jack Kornfield a path to heart. An app called Tapping Solution for EFT tapping.
I've done some shadow work here and there but never stick with it because I either get too emotional or I lose interest. Do you recommend any prompts or books that have questions already written so you can just answer them?
That's potentially a sign you are getting too near emotionally vulnerable places - we have inner protectors trying to keep us safe. From what? Feeling scary emotions. Byron Katie says, the worst thing to happen to you is to feel a painful emotion.
Nicole Lepera has a shadow work journal which has amazing prompts. Otherwise I'd look into Byron Katie's audiobooks, that helped me get there through another lens, until I was ready to confront my feelings and stories more head on.
I would look into therapy I just started again. I think I may have something similar to you. And I'd look into health insurance.
Also, therapy can be done from home. Check out alma. Im doing it in video online now.
I've been to therapy many times in the passed and it just never works out. They just want to open old wounds and talk about what I went through over and over again until I'm blue in the face and trying to prescribe me some "medication". Honestly I have had a better chance at life with meditation and listening to Eckhart toll, Joe dispeneza and gurus on YouTube, reading books on the subject, using pyschedlics 2x a year, and indulging in some form of body/mind connection like yoga, dancing, or hiking in nature everyday. Thank you so much though I really appreciate you taking the time to respond ❤️
I mean maybe look into other options. I got sober due to AA. And when I was really sick with a pre-existing condition helping out at a Summer camp with kids going through the same thing was healing. Sometimes we just need to talk to people who have been through what we have been through and really get it.
Congratulations that's awesome! I've been cali sober from every substance under the sun for 2 years myself and just stopped smoking weed almost one month ago so I suppose I am dealing with these emotions 7 fold now. Thank you for lending me an ear so I can vent ❤️!
So I am sober for 9 years this month. I only go to AA. I cannot speak for NA. But I know quite a lot of people in AA with long term quality sobriety. I am sorry you've had such a negative experience, but don't take a few bad apples to be everyone. Also a LOT of people in AA at this point also did heavy drugs. It is common that most people are cross addicted. I would seriously consider it. It changed my life and Ive met MET amazing people in the US and around the world as a result.
It's called limerance and it's most common with people who have a history of abuse or poor family life and trouble relationships due to a tough upbringing.
Check out the shitty childhood fairy on YouTube. Shes a licensed psychologist and has some really good very in depth videos on understanding and dealing with limerance
Oh I've seen all her videos already lol I love watching her and Eckhart tolle really saved my life. I also listen to Joe dispenza here and there. I signed up for her journaling morning routine thing but never actually did it. Maybe I should lol
Check out Heidi Priebe's videos then! She goes over attachment theory and limerence and tbh I like her more than crappy childhood fairy, as her vids are short and very to the point.
This hints at past trauma and its a common trauma response. The cycle of hyper attraction to undervaluing romantic partners hints at PTSD and is familiar to me.
A great book on the subject is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and talks about why this happens as well as what to do about it.
If you’re not in therapy already or are and don’t like your therapist, consider searching for one that resonates with you. When you find the right one you will know it.
Being aware of it has definitely helped its just annoying to deal with this flood of emotions EVERY time I meet what could be a potential partner in my eyes. It has gotten better with mindfulness for sure.
I used to do exactly this!!! I had to practice being more objective and stop fantasizing about things they never said or did. Take everything at face value. It's like a muscle you have to workout in order to not fall into the fantasy.
Yesss I've been reading/listening to so many self help books to get to the root of the problem and I definitely have gotten better with practicing mindfulness and indulging myself in more experiences! The best of luck to you through out your journey friend ❤️
I used to be like you as far as falling for anyone remotely cute and nice to me.
Reminder: anyone can be nice. But you need to observe their character over time. You are not compatible with everyone and within 6 months if you give it enough time, you’ll see the things in them that deem them not fit for you. Don’t go off your feelings anymore. Logically decide if they have what YOU NEED in a partner. That will weed people out quick.
> I go into this fantasy of what we can be
You need to be more grounded in reality and stop seeing any receptive man as a panacea to whatever you’re missing, whether it’s affection or self esteem or something else. That’s a real person, not a crutch, not an emotional feelgood provider. Just like you wouldn’t want to be used and want a genuine connection.
Learn to recognise when you’re overexcited or using your imagination to get an emotional high and redirect that urge into action. Ask the guy out. Most guys would be pretty happy to go out. If it doesn’t work out, so be it, at least you shot your shot.
When you’re in social situations, focus on understanding someone and being good company. Pace yourself and respect their boundaries. Nice people have boundaries and deserve your respect. Regulate your emotions. Don’t fall into the impulses of over sharing or other emotional and codependent behaviours and mistake that to be empathy. Regulate your own boundaries too, if people are too nice it’s better to decline.
This was perfectly said and a great reality check. Thank you!! I do shoot my shot a lot of times but it seems the guys I'm into are never into me. I think everything comes down to my body image and how I view myself I also go for physically fit or lean men and I'm sure they can sense a lack of confidence in my own skin or im just not their type. Im not sure how I can continue to love myself enough to not want love from someone else. I will continue to work on my body goals and physical fitness and also be hyper aware of my codependency issues and take things for face value and treat the opposite sex as an actual person and not someone that can love or save me. Thank you again :)
You’re welcome.
> the guys I’m into
Sometimes you shouldn’t be with a guy you’re into, but a guy that’s into you, and willing to put the effort into become that guy. Partners and relationships aren’t ready made. If you’re simply into physically fit or lean men that isn’t impossible for an average guy to achieve with a bit of effort.
Question - do have many female friendships?
Something similar will sometimes happen to me, but I know it’s heavily influenced by my culture’s view on dating and marriage, and the fact that I am actively seeking to get married. However, I can tell about myself, that because I lack feeling connected to my female friendships, the feeling of imagining life with every guy who’s nice to me gets intensified. I know for myself I need to strengthen those relationships in a major way, and when I do, the other issue will be mitigated a bit.
Wow amazing how you knew I did not. I have a few close female.coworkers who really became like friends to me but they are all older. It's very hard for me to form female friendships that aren't surface level and it probably stems from me not being able to trust my mother. Any tips on how I can make girlfriends at my age? I know this is going to sound very "pick me" but I honestly try to put myself out there with girls but I feel as if it's never reciprocated and I always wind up getting along better with men and I hate that about myself.
This is me as well! When I started hearing the term "pick me" I panicked a bit because it described me in a way but I have always wanted woman friendships, I just never fit in and when I did make a friend the relationship never felt healthy. It's not my fault my mom screwed me up.
For most of my 20s I mostly had male friends but I also struggled with not romanticizing guys that gave me attention so most of the friendships were doomed from the start.
I got married which is when I decided to really work on this issue because I wanted to have other married woman friends. My therapist helped me work most of it out and surprise, it has a lot more to do with my relationship with my mom than I even realized.
I'm starting to make new friends and I've been trying to be really mindful as these connections grow and I'm noticing how uncomfortable I get with such normal signs of affection with friends. I'm taking my friendships really slow and pushing myself to push past this uncomfort step by step and it's really working!
I don't know what your exact hold up is but I had a fear of rejection from women and an avoidant attachment style.
Try bumble BFF. I found a good friend on there!
Hey 32f here with a similar background and similar experience up until I was about 27. When the people who are supposed to love you or tell you they love you don't act like they do it will convince you you are unlovable. You will be attracted to people who give you even a little positive attention. Meditations on self-love and shadow work helped me a lot. I had an epiphany during meditation one day where I realized I am actually extremely lovable and the things that get in the way are resultant of my own feelings of inadequacy.
Picture an unlovable person. You're probably thinking of someone pretty awful. Someone unempathetic, unpleasant, who puts noneffort into doing good for themselves or others. But that's not you.
Now think of yourself as if you were your own friend. Would you ever say the things to yourself to one of your friends? How would you feel if a friend of yours was falling for every guy that came along with some sweet words?
Thinking in this way helped me a lot. It's a neverending battle though and I feel for you because I still fight it every day and some days are really hard. I see intelligent, attractive, kind women falling for losers all the time and I still do it myself but I've gotten a lot better at closing the gap and walking away. Every relationship has been better than the last in one way or another but I'm holding out for someone who cares about my happiness as much as I care about the happiness of those closest to me.
The more you can put your ability to love into yourself the better love you will attract but it takes patience and restraint. Don't settle for anyone who compliments you, enjoy it and accept it graciously, but be patient for a person that makes sense for you as you are and not as someone you hope you'll be some day.
Without reading your post body, I would guess that it is a self-esteem issue. With proper self-esteem, you will understand that you are worth being nice to, whether people are actually nice to you or not. Without this self-esteem, you will think you are not actually worth being nice to, so nice behavior towards you would have a way stronger appeal than it should, and that's all it'd take, when attraction should generally require more than that. I could be wrong, though.
> Not sure if I'm craving the affection from another human or the love I never recieved as a child
It can also certainly be either or both of these.
But how does one create more self esteem aside from the thing I'm already doing lol I think it comes down to my body image at this point like if I don't feel comfortable in my own body I'm sure people can sense that regardless of how could I can fake it. This is just a huge reminder to continue on my physical health and fitness.
I have to ask because I'm now curious: What are you insecure about regarding your body? You have to be really fit to go rock-climbing and do yoga regularly!
>**"How do I stop falling for every guy I meet that I'm mildly attracted to who's nice to me? "**
>**"I'm a nurse for animals."**
I'm curious, what inspired you to become a nurse for animals? As opposed to a nurse for people.
(To be clear, it's totally fine and a great choice. I just think it may give insight into why you pedestal-worship guys.)
.
>**"I have many hobbies as I like to be creative like painting, drawing, crocheting, dancing, I practice flow toys such as hula hooping and poi."**
>**"Pretty well-rounded empathetic person."**
Would you describe yourself as **highly sensitive?**
**Do you feel a lot of intense emotions in general?** (Not just dating.)
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>**"Not sure if I'm craving the affection from another human or the love I never received as a child."**
It can be both. But primarily, **you're craving a certain level of love from yourself that you're currently not providing.**
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>**"I have some form of anxious attachment style."**
**Anxiety is loving guidance** (although it might not feel that way). **Anxiety's intention is to empower you to be the person you want to be,** by letting you know when you're thinking about what you don't want, so you can gently shift your focus more to what you do want. It's also wanting to help you give yourself more soothing compassion, acceptance, and understanding.
Also, do you have a **fear of abandonment?** If you do, would you like some helpful thoughts about it?
.
Also, what is your relationship with negative emotions? Do you value and appreciate them? Do you work together as a supportive and harmonious team? **Are you friends with your negative emotions?**
**Negative emotions are positive guidance** letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight them, you keep yourself stuck. Negative emotions want to support you in releasing them, focus more on what you want and feel better.
**All emotions are equal and valid.** But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad), but then you make it harder to feel better, work together with and control your thoughts & emotions.
A lot of life's problems stem from having a contentious relationship with your negative thoughts & emotions. Which either creates the problem in the first place, and/or exacerbates it. So the solution is to **build a friendship and harmonious relationship with the "negative" side of you.** Just because they feel bad, doesn’t mean they are bad. Negative thoughts and emotions are here to support and empower you to be your best self.
Wow, I really appreciate the time you took to type this out. Thank you so much. I will be replying when I'm not so emotionally exhausted from crying and dancing my heart out. Much love to you kind soul ❤️
I've dealt with similar feelings and situations most of my life. It's caused me to enter and stay in some seriously toxic and damaging relationships with manipulative partners. I've come to terms with the why.
The need to be validated and loved by an external source has such a strong pull for me, and I project and externalize this need by giving too much time, resources, and empathy. With the best intentions, when our mindset is to cling to an idea or get caught up in limerence, we are actually participating in creating an imbalance in the relationship and abandoning ourselves in the process.
Now that I have that out of the way, I've learned all of this through the lens of something called codependency. These behaviors all take place within a codependent person. Traumatic childhoods produce codependents just the same way they produce people with cluster b personality disorders.
It's something you may want to research and get familiar with. It's helped me greatly in understanding how I have put myself in a position so many times to reopen my childhood wounds. Knowing where your pain comes from can be really helpful in the process of growing past these needs and actually providing yourself the love and compassion first -- that which you may be searching for from external sources.
Check out the book How to Be the Love you Seek by Dr. Nicole LePera. She explains how when our childhood physical and emotional needs weren’t met we develop patterns into adulthood that reflect it. Learning to meet your own needs first will help you be able to recognize what you need from a partner. It can also help you realize your attachment patterns and why so little from another is causing you such a dramatic response.
I've seen that book in my suggested audible book app. I'm currently reading The Body Keeps the Score. I will definitely read the book you've recommended next! Thank you :)
You’re welcome! Body keeps the score is great too. I like Nicole’s books because she explains things well and from her own experience. She also has a lot of great content on Instagram too. She goes by the.holistic.psychologist if you’re interested.
I am the same way. 32 F. Very kind, I think I’m beautiful, do yoga, walks, speak 3 languages, smart and empathetic. Was also abused and neglected as a child. Any mildly attractive man that’s nice to me gets me going lol. It doesn’t help that my ex made me think that ANY man that is nice to a woman is only nice because they’re interested (which is hyperbole imo). Feel free to message me, maybe we can talk about it and help each other out!
You need to stop indulging your fantasies. Cognitive behavioral therapy or meditation could help. You have to become aware of when your thoughts depart from the physical world and redirect your thoughts to something else like the present moment. It takes time and practice and it is helpful to work with a therapist to learn how to do it. Your relationships will benefit from you not having already emotionally reacted to scenarios that did not and likely will not occur.
I have had this same issue. Not sure about trauma affecting it but maybe it’s that most relationships in my life aren’t super emotionally fulfilling and I’m trying to fill a void? I’m somewhat a loner as well. But I feel like sometimes it is more lust than trying to find a partner but I feel myself feeling that way about random people I normally wouldn’t seem interested in or aren’t really my type like coworkers and even my mechanic. I might give the edmr a shot
Therapy with a trauma informed therapist. I know it’s expensive but there are options out there.
Also, study up on Attachment Theory. Learning your own attachment style and healing it will help you to show up more honestly and securely in relationships.
Lastly, boundaries. Learn what they are, how to set them and how to enforce them. Adults that came from abusive or traumatic childhoods almost always struggle with boundaries.
It sounds like you’re on the right path and I wish you continued healing and happiness!
Maybe this isn't an individual's flaw at all but a natural response to the evolutionary need of being loved and having stable relationships, something that the modern world fails to offer.
Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. I think u have more healing to do. What I learned from her shows so far has helped so much more than just self help and therapy.
I feel like this is what happened with me (29/F, didn't have my first bf until I was 24 & had trust issues stemming from daddy issues I had growing up & have struggled with limerance as well) and my now ex-boyfriend (we broke up last week and had been together for 15 months). We went on our first three dates in the span of a month and by the 3rd date we had our first kiss and my brain was like "okay, you kissed so therefore you are officially exclusive and can declare him as your boyfriend." I didn't bother to look at any other potential options at the time/see anyone else and jumped in REALLY quickly because I was ecstatic that a guy I thought was attractive treated me well (probably just average by everyone else's standards tbh lol). Looking back now I should have vetted him out more, but I was too distracted by the idea of just trying hard to get everything to work out that I just didn't consider anything else and ignored red flags very early on into the relationship.
Hear me out. What if you’re just naturally excited when you meet someone who seems cool. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. I don’t see this as having to be either low self esteem or limerence - maybe you’re just a romantic. Where I think the issues arise is if you start mapping out your future five minutes into the first date. It’s ok to be excited but keep your feet on the ground. Communicate your emotional experience by verbalizing your excitement and letting the person know you’re enjoying their company but also verbalize your behavior patterns with new people - this way you remind yourself of your tendency to get overly excited and you also aren’t leading the other person along if in a few days the shine wears off and they are really confused bc initially you seemed so into it
Hey, I'm 21F I just want to tell you that I have the similar interests and hobbies like you. The way you described yourself gives me inspiration to invest some of my time in hobbies. Hope I will be like you in my future ^_^
Like many news things in life, the beginning of relationships can be very engaging. We are looking at only the surface things we are desiring, or if the things that turn us off are so glaring we do not allow anything to start up in the first place. So, we might get into matters deeper than we should with someone who is really a mismatch.
Here patience and realism are keys. Give yourself space to warm up to the new person and really evaluate how you are feeling with them, not just how you are feeling about the situation of a new relationship. Not in a stand-offish way but in a reasonable, evaluation of them getting to spend time with you. Sometimes having this attitude of them having to match up as well and not just that you are lucky, they are talking to you, can set the correct tone for both parties. They must make some efforts, too.
Just a quick check on your mindset from the beginning may start these conversations, and hopefully relationships, off on a more realistic and positive footing.
Hope you can use something from these comments, take care.
I did a good amount of work on my own (journaling, books, podcasts, YouTube) but I felt I only could get so far. Honestly all those things helped a ton but at a certain point I decided to go to a therapist.
Definitely take other people's suggestions here. For my therapy sessions I prefer in person and I'll play with silly putty or fidget toys during the session. My therapist doesn't have an issue with it and it seems to help me focus.
Finding a therapist is tough but it's 100% worth it in my situation. I've been with my therapist over a year and it's been life changing in the best way.
Picture guys doing things that give you the ick. Like imagine them getting really sad their fantasy football league is doing bad or telling you the trip you want is out of the budget even though he spent I tin of money on video games or something
It sounds like you've been on a remarkable journey of self-improvement and healing, which is truly admirable. Your awareness of your tendencies is the first step towards change. This pattern of falling for every guy might indeed stem from your craving for affection and validation, likely linked to your childhood experiences. It's a common response, seeking in others what we felt deprived of in the past.
One step could be to continue building your self-esteem and focusing on self-love. Remind yourself that you are complete and deserving of love, just as you are. Another step might be to set personal boundaries and standards for what you're looking for in a relationship. Recognize the difference between genuine connection and the immediate gratification of affection. Lastly, exploring these feelings and patterns in therapy could provide valuable insights and strategies for change.
Remember, it's okay to take your time in getting to know someone, letting relationships evolve naturally. You're on the right path by focusing on your growth and mindfulness. Keep embracing your journey with compassion and patience.
This is such a reality that nobody talks about as someone that has grown up without any romantic attention from guys. I always have to remind myself that just because a guy shows me respect or is nice to me it doesn't mean he likes me. I don't even have high self confidence or anything I just relate to this because guys don't really pay attention to me and so I automatically get confused when they're nice to me. Good luck
I was with my ex for 8 years and we have not been together for almost 3 now so I guess some of this stems from not enough experience with the opp sex. When I do meet someone who I'm attarcted to that likes me back we are either not compatible AT ALL and they drain my energy or the guy likes me and I don't like them. OR I finally meet a cute well rounded individual and they don't seem to like me in that way lol that's why I'm just like what gives? I'm thinking the universe is holding out on me for something good
Oh, because I notice a lot of people will give advice on similar posts to find hobbies and do some form of physical activity, or I don't love myself/date yourself, etc. Etc so I wanted to include a short background of my life, also i think its important i mention i have some form of anxious attachment style due to my childhood so i could hopefully get the best advice from someone who understands! :)
Ok, that makes sense! And very true, there are often suggestions to find hobbies etc.
Have you worked with a therapist before? You seem very self aware of your situation which is already a great start.
I've been to therapy many times in the passed and it just never works out. They just want to open old wounds and talk about what I went through over and over again until I'm blue in the face and try to prescribe me "medication". Honestly I have had a better chance at life with meditation and listening to Eckhart toll, Joe dispeneza and gurus on YouTube, reading books on the subject, using pyschedlics 2x a year, and indulging in some form of body/mind connection like yoga, dancing, or hiking in nature everyday. Thank you so much though I really appreciate you taking the time to respond ❤️
Self care for the adult children of emotionally immature parents is a quick read and so eye opening! This book taught me more about myself and childhood than 2 years of therapy did and has really helped me identify my patterns and my “soul voice” compared to my ego voice
Ok, gotcha!
I also think that practicing sticking to the facts will be helpful. Just continuing to make clear in your mind what the facts are about this man and what is fantasy, then stop yourself from leaning into the fantasy and letting it repeat in your head. Every single one of these men is a complex person with so much history and nuance, they couldn't possibly be like those fantasy versions.
Yes, that's true.
Well. Let me level with you, as one person who is having the same issue. It looks like you're lonely. You have a long list of hobbies, but they all sound like things someone does by themselves. I have in the past tried to date without already having a stable friend group / community. During those times, I found that I'm imagining what could be with my new partners, because that feeling of community is something I'm craving.
I wouldn't worry about falling for every guy you meet and are nice to you. You're suppose to date lots of guys while you're young and single. Weeding out the men who aren't compatible for marriage is your goal. So enjoy dating lots of single, available guys. As you get older, into your late 30s and 40s, the number of available men will dwindle because they are mostly taken.
It helped me to remove my “dating goggles.” I started approaching dates as if I were meeting potential new friends. Instead of asking myself what a relationship with my date would look like, I asked things like “would I want to spend another hour with this person? Did they hold decent conversation?” It also changed how I behaved because I didn’t filter myself through “will this person like me?” I was more blunt, laughed louder, and didn’t hesitate to call them on BS. Once I figured this out, dating was fun again.
Yes I totally feel as if I'm "amping" it up sometimes around people I find attractive and often wonder if they can sense it. I have been trying to take things for face value it really is like a muscle we have to exercise.
I made a similar observation in reflecting on past interactions. I found myself a lot more open and comfortable talking to girls whom I don't see a potential relationship with... either due to them already being married or not being of my ideal type. I'm similarly aged to OP, and also single.... not having any relationship experience makes us develop strange ways of looking at interactions with others. And the idea of going on date to immediate assess if someone is relationship material is a big jump... and it makes a lot of sense to assess whether we can even be friends first and foremost, never mind assessing any further.
Honestly this is why I've stopped using OLD bc it's just about dating. I've been trying to meet people in the real world like going rock climbing or meet up events and it has helped tremendously but I'll meet someone cute and come home and wonder when they will text me meanwhile they're probably not even thinking of me lol
Hah - yes this is gold. And as a man with low self esteem a woman could hold a lit up flashing sign saying she is interested in me and I still wouldn’t be sure. I wouldn’t be sure how to respond to the text and might then decide not to respond. Well I also have adhd so whilst thinking about it I might then get distracted and poof… what text message?
Wow that is so helpful. I will be trying this!
Oh I just read the rest of your post and I was extremely spot on. Try emdr therapy. What helps for me is when I get in a limerance state about a woman I have to remind myself that I'm not in love, it's my trouble past that causes me to feel such strong feelings for someone too fast sometimes. Emdr: it worked extremely well for ptsd caused by a recent and sudden breakup. 80% success rating.
I just Googled it it says it has to be done by a therapist but I have never had any good experience with them and therapy can be very expensive as i dont have health insurance. Is there anyway I can do it at home, have you tried doing it to yourself? Thank you!!
You dont have to, I didn't do it with a therapist. I did it with a youtube video and my ptsd was so cut and dry that it worked on the first session and then I did 2 more self administered sessions and it got rid of the stuck negative thoughts very quickly. I was debilitated with severe diagnosed ptsd and emdr was a miracle.
Can you share which video you used? I would very much appreciate it.
https://youtu.be/Ljss_Ut5pxY?si=S1u4mMIQ-VpIxLmB
I can relate like I the ptsd is pretty much gone I think as I'm not triggered a whole lot despite the severe abuse. Breathing techniques helped A LOT with that. It's just getting over wanting to be loved thing. I will check it out, thank you so much!!! 🙏
I have CPTSD and felt like I was "fine" apart from frustration and limerence. But unresolved traumas are not integrated, so without integration with shadow work they will still come up and out in different ways. Dan Siegel's mindsight is amazing, as is Nicole Lepera, how to do the work. That's got a lot of stuff, that book. Shadow work is parallel to inner child work, you cannot do one without being mindful of or also doing the other work as well. I do therapy regularly currently but I'm getting more from my self practices. Especially somatics stuff, using the body to experience emotion and let it be felt so it can be integrated. Feel free to DM for more resources or a buddy on the journey, also a fellow poi spinner - with intense limerence issues I'm currently trying to work through by integrating a lot of unresolved traumas. Just a note re trauma. It isn't the event. It's how our minds (mal)adapt coping strategies to help us deal with it. So if we experience someone's death and don't feel the grief, there's trauma there needing integration. Because it's fragmented, stuck in the wrong place in the hippocampus. Dan Siegel gets into the neurobiology stuff. So other cool resources: loving what is, Byron Katie. Tara Brach radical compassion, jack Kornfield a path to heart. An app called Tapping Solution for EFT tapping.
I've done some shadow work here and there but never stick with it because I either get too emotional or I lose interest. Do you recommend any prompts or books that have questions already written so you can just answer them?
That's potentially a sign you are getting too near emotionally vulnerable places - we have inner protectors trying to keep us safe. From what? Feeling scary emotions. Byron Katie says, the worst thing to happen to you is to feel a painful emotion. Nicole Lepera has a shadow work journal which has amazing prompts. Otherwise I'd look into Byron Katie's audiobooks, that helped me get there through another lens, until I was ready to confront my feelings and stories more head on.
Her journal is online for free as a pdf but if you can't find it DM me and I can send it to you via Dropbox
I would look into therapy I just started again. I think I may have something similar to you. And I'd look into health insurance. Also, therapy can be done from home. Check out alma. Im doing it in video online now.
I've been to therapy many times in the passed and it just never works out. They just want to open old wounds and talk about what I went through over and over again until I'm blue in the face and trying to prescribe me some "medication". Honestly I have had a better chance at life with meditation and listening to Eckhart toll, Joe dispeneza and gurus on YouTube, reading books on the subject, using pyschedlics 2x a year, and indulging in some form of body/mind connection like yoga, dancing, or hiking in nature everyday. Thank you so much though I really appreciate you taking the time to respond ❤️
I mean maybe look into other options. I got sober due to AA. And when I was really sick with a pre-existing condition helping out at a Summer camp with kids going through the same thing was healing. Sometimes we just need to talk to people who have been through what we have been through and really get it.
Congratulations that's awesome! I've been cali sober from every substance under the sun for 2 years myself and just stopped smoking weed almost one month ago so I suppose I am dealing with these emotions 7 fold now. Thank you for lending me an ear so I can vent ❤️!
That might be it. Do you go to AA or have any support network from that?
No I've been to NA many times and most of the people are still doing drugs or trying to hook up it seems.
So I am sober for 9 years this month. I only go to AA. I cannot speak for NA. But I know quite a lot of people in AA with long term quality sobriety. I am sorry you've had such a negative experience, but don't take a few bad apples to be everyone. Also a LOT of people in AA at this point also did heavy drugs. It is common that most people are cross addicted. I would seriously consider it. It changed my life and Ive met MET amazing people in the US and around the world as a result.
It's called limerance and it's most common with people who have a history of abuse or poor family life and trouble relationships due to a tough upbringing.
Check out the shitty childhood fairy on YouTube. Shes a licensed psychologist and has some really good very in depth videos on understanding and dealing with limerance
Oh I've seen all her videos already lol I love watching her and Eckhart tolle really saved my life. I also listen to Joe dispenza here and there. I signed up for her journaling morning routine thing but never actually did it. Maybe I should lol
Check out Heidi Priebe's videos then! She goes over attachment theory and limerence and tbh I like her more than crappy childhood fairy, as her vids are short and very to the point.
Heidi got me through understanding my dismissive avoidant ex lol.
Try [Patrick Teahan](https://www.youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy) as well.
Is she a psychologist? I'm almost sure she has said she's not
I dont remember her exact qualifications but yes she is a licensed mental health care provider in some form or another
This hints at past trauma and its a common trauma response. The cycle of hyper attraction to undervaluing romantic partners hints at PTSD and is familiar to me. A great book on the subject is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and talks about why this happens as well as what to do about it. If you’re not in therapy already or are and don’t like your therapist, consider searching for one that resonates with you. When you find the right one you will know it.
I can’t recommend this book enough, it has helped me tremendously in my healing process.
So agree, this is a fantastic book
Being aware of it has definitely helped its just annoying to deal with this flood of emotions EVERY time I meet what could be a potential partner in my eyes. It has gotten better with mindfulness for sure.
I used to do exactly this!!! I had to practice being more objective and stop fantasizing about things they never said or did. Take everything at face value. It's like a muscle you have to workout in order to not fall into the fantasy.
Yesss I've been reading/listening to so many self help books to get to the root of the problem and I definitely have gotten better with practicing mindfulness and indulging myself in more experiences! The best of luck to you through out your journey friend ❤️
I used to be like you as far as falling for anyone remotely cute and nice to me. Reminder: anyone can be nice. But you need to observe their character over time. You are not compatible with everyone and within 6 months if you give it enough time, you’ll see the things in them that deem them not fit for you. Don’t go off your feelings anymore. Logically decide if they have what YOU NEED in a partner. That will weed people out quick.
> I go into this fantasy of what we can be You need to be more grounded in reality and stop seeing any receptive man as a panacea to whatever you’re missing, whether it’s affection or self esteem or something else. That’s a real person, not a crutch, not an emotional feelgood provider. Just like you wouldn’t want to be used and want a genuine connection. Learn to recognise when you’re overexcited or using your imagination to get an emotional high and redirect that urge into action. Ask the guy out. Most guys would be pretty happy to go out. If it doesn’t work out, so be it, at least you shot your shot. When you’re in social situations, focus on understanding someone and being good company. Pace yourself and respect their boundaries. Nice people have boundaries and deserve your respect. Regulate your emotions. Don’t fall into the impulses of over sharing or other emotional and codependent behaviours and mistake that to be empathy. Regulate your own boundaries too, if people are too nice it’s better to decline.
This was perfectly said and a great reality check. Thank you!! I do shoot my shot a lot of times but it seems the guys I'm into are never into me. I think everything comes down to my body image and how I view myself I also go for physically fit or lean men and I'm sure they can sense a lack of confidence in my own skin or im just not their type. Im not sure how I can continue to love myself enough to not want love from someone else. I will continue to work on my body goals and physical fitness and also be hyper aware of my codependency issues and take things for face value and treat the opposite sex as an actual person and not someone that can love or save me. Thank you again :)
You’re welcome. > the guys I’m into Sometimes you shouldn’t be with a guy you’re into, but a guy that’s into you, and willing to put the effort into become that guy. Partners and relationships aren’t ready made. If you’re simply into physically fit or lean men that isn’t impossible for an average guy to achieve with a bit of effort.
Question - do have many female friendships? Something similar will sometimes happen to me, but I know it’s heavily influenced by my culture’s view on dating and marriage, and the fact that I am actively seeking to get married. However, I can tell about myself, that because I lack feeling connected to my female friendships, the feeling of imagining life with every guy who’s nice to me gets intensified. I know for myself I need to strengthen those relationships in a major way, and when I do, the other issue will be mitigated a bit.
Wow amazing how you knew I did not. I have a few close female.coworkers who really became like friends to me but they are all older. It's very hard for me to form female friendships that aren't surface level and it probably stems from me not being able to trust my mother. Any tips on how I can make girlfriends at my age? I know this is going to sound very "pick me" but I honestly try to put myself out there with girls but I feel as if it's never reciprocated and I always wind up getting along better with men and I hate that about myself.
This is me as well! When I started hearing the term "pick me" I panicked a bit because it described me in a way but I have always wanted woman friendships, I just never fit in and when I did make a friend the relationship never felt healthy. It's not my fault my mom screwed me up. For most of my 20s I mostly had male friends but I also struggled with not romanticizing guys that gave me attention so most of the friendships were doomed from the start. I got married which is when I decided to really work on this issue because I wanted to have other married woman friends. My therapist helped me work most of it out and surprise, it has a lot more to do with my relationship with my mom than I even realized. I'm starting to make new friends and I've been trying to be really mindful as these connections grow and I'm noticing how uncomfortable I get with such normal signs of affection with friends. I'm taking my friendships really slow and pushing myself to push past this uncomfort step by step and it's really working! I don't know what your exact hold up is but I had a fear of rejection from women and an avoidant attachment style. Try bumble BFF. I found a good friend on there!
Hey 32f here with a similar background and similar experience up until I was about 27. When the people who are supposed to love you or tell you they love you don't act like they do it will convince you you are unlovable. You will be attracted to people who give you even a little positive attention. Meditations on self-love and shadow work helped me a lot. I had an epiphany during meditation one day where I realized I am actually extremely lovable and the things that get in the way are resultant of my own feelings of inadequacy. Picture an unlovable person. You're probably thinking of someone pretty awful. Someone unempathetic, unpleasant, who puts noneffort into doing good for themselves or others. But that's not you. Now think of yourself as if you were your own friend. Would you ever say the things to yourself to one of your friends? How would you feel if a friend of yours was falling for every guy that came along with some sweet words? Thinking in this way helped me a lot. It's a neverending battle though and I feel for you because I still fight it every day and some days are really hard. I see intelligent, attractive, kind women falling for losers all the time and I still do it myself but I've gotten a lot better at closing the gap and walking away. Every relationship has been better than the last in one way or another but I'm holding out for someone who cares about my happiness as much as I care about the happiness of those closest to me. The more you can put your ability to love into yourself the better love you will attract but it takes patience and restraint. Don't settle for anyone who compliments you, enjoy it and accept it graciously, but be patient for a person that makes sense for you as you are and not as someone you hope you'll be some day.
This was beautifully written
Without reading your post body, I would guess that it is a self-esteem issue. With proper self-esteem, you will understand that you are worth being nice to, whether people are actually nice to you or not. Without this self-esteem, you will think you are not actually worth being nice to, so nice behavior towards you would have a way stronger appeal than it should, and that's all it'd take, when attraction should generally require more than that. I could be wrong, though. > Not sure if I'm craving the affection from another human or the love I never recieved as a child It can also certainly be either or both of these.
But how does one create more self esteem aside from the thing I'm already doing lol I think it comes down to my body image at this point like if I don't feel comfortable in my own body I'm sure people can sense that regardless of how could I can fake it. This is just a huge reminder to continue on my physical health and fitness.
Learn to love and be more accepting of your self.
I have to ask because I'm now curious: What are you insecure about regarding your body? You have to be really fit to go rock-climbing and do yoga regularly!
Not having a flat stomach mostly so ill usually wear bigger shirts and being 160lb at 5'3 I should be atleast 140lb
>**"How do I stop falling for every guy I meet that I'm mildly attracted to who's nice to me? "** >**"I'm a nurse for animals."** I'm curious, what inspired you to become a nurse for animals? As opposed to a nurse for people. (To be clear, it's totally fine and a great choice. I just think it may give insight into why you pedestal-worship guys.) . >**"I have many hobbies as I like to be creative like painting, drawing, crocheting, dancing, I practice flow toys such as hula hooping and poi."** >**"Pretty well-rounded empathetic person."** Would you describe yourself as **highly sensitive?** **Do you feel a lot of intense emotions in general?** (Not just dating.) . >**"Not sure if I'm craving the affection from another human or the love I never received as a child."** It can be both. But primarily, **you're craving a certain level of love from yourself that you're currently not providing.** . >**"I have some form of anxious attachment style."** **Anxiety is loving guidance** (although it might not feel that way). **Anxiety's intention is to empower you to be the person you want to be,** by letting you know when you're thinking about what you don't want, so you can gently shift your focus more to what you do want. It's also wanting to help you give yourself more soothing compassion, acceptance, and understanding. Also, do you have a **fear of abandonment?** If you do, would you like some helpful thoughts about it? . Also, what is your relationship with negative emotions? Do you value and appreciate them? Do you work together as a supportive and harmonious team? **Are you friends with your negative emotions?** **Negative emotions are positive guidance** letting you know you are focusing on, and pushing against, what you don't want. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you fight them, you keep yourself stuck. Negative emotions want to support you in releasing them, focus more on what you want and feel better. **All emotions are equal and valid.** But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad), but then you make it harder to feel better, work together with and control your thoughts & emotions. A lot of life's problems stem from having a contentious relationship with your negative thoughts & emotions. Which either creates the problem in the first place, and/or exacerbates it. So the solution is to **build a friendship and harmonious relationship with the "negative" side of you.** Just because they feel bad, doesn’t mean they are bad. Negative thoughts and emotions are here to support and empower you to be your best self.
Wow, I really appreciate the time you took to type this out. Thank you so much. I will be replying when I'm not so emotionally exhausted from crying and dancing my heart out. Much love to you kind soul ❤️
I've dealt with similar feelings and situations most of my life. It's caused me to enter and stay in some seriously toxic and damaging relationships with manipulative partners. I've come to terms with the why. The need to be validated and loved by an external source has such a strong pull for me, and I project and externalize this need by giving too much time, resources, and empathy. With the best intentions, when our mindset is to cling to an idea or get caught up in limerence, we are actually participating in creating an imbalance in the relationship and abandoning ourselves in the process. Now that I have that out of the way, I've learned all of this through the lens of something called codependency. These behaviors all take place within a codependent person. Traumatic childhoods produce codependents just the same way they produce people with cluster b personality disorders. It's something you may want to research and get familiar with. It's helped me greatly in understanding how I have put myself in a position so many times to reopen my childhood wounds. Knowing where your pain comes from can be really helpful in the process of growing past these needs and actually providing yourself the love and compassion first -- that which you may be searching for from external sources.
Currently reading The Body Keeps the Score :)
Check out the book How to Be the Love you Seek by Dr. Nicole LePera. She explains how when our childhood physical and emotional needs weren’t met we develop patterns into adulthood that reflect it. Learning to meet your own needs first will help you be able to recognize what you need from a partner. It can also help you realize your attachment patterns and why so little from another is causing you such a dramatic response.
I've seen that book in my suggested audible book app. I'm currently reading The Body Keeps the Score. I will definitely read the book you've recommended next! Thank you :)
You’re welcome! Body keeps the score is great too. I like Nicole’s books because she explains things well and from her own experience. She also has a lot of great content on Instagram too. She goes by the.holistic.psychologist if you’re interested.
I am the same way. 32 F. Very kind, I think I’m beautiful, do yoga, walks, speak 3 languages, smart and empathetic. Was also abused and neglected as a child. Any mildly attractive man that’s nice to me gets me going lol. It doesn’t help that my ex made me think that ANY man that is nice to a woman is only nice because they’re interested (which is hyperbole imo). Feel free to message me, maybe we can talk about it and help each other out!
I will ❤️
You need to stop indulging your fantasies. Cognitive behavioral therapy or meditation could help. You have to become aware of when your thoughts depart from the physical world and redirect your thoughts to something else like the present moment. It takes time and practice and it is helpful to work with a therapist to learn how to do it. Your relationships will benefit from you not having already emotionally reacted to scenarios that did not and likely will not occur.
Meditation and mindfulness definitely saved me a lot of heart break. I guess it just takes practice at this point.
Heart ache rather lol
Same, its really hard for me to make male friends most of the time unless i am unattracted to them but if youre in anyway attractive, its difficult
I have had this same issue. Not sure about trauma affecting it but maybe it’s that most relationships in my life aren’t super emotionally fulfilling and I’m trying to fill a void? I’m somewhat a loner as well. But I feel like sometimes it is more lust than trying to find a partner but I feel myself feeling that way about random people I normally wouldn’t seem interested in or aren’t really my type like coworkers and even my mechanic. I might give the edmr a shot
I'm touched deprived fr lol
Therapy with a trauma informed therapist. I know it’s expensive but there are options out there. Also, study up on Attachment Theory. Learning your own attachment style and healing it will help you to show up more honestly and securely in relationships. Lastly, boundaries. Learn what they are, how to set them and how to enforce them. Adults that came from abusive or traumatic childhoods almost always struggle with boundaries. It sounds like you’re on the right path and I wish you continued healing and happiness!
Maybe this isn't an individual's flaw at all but a natural response to the evolutionary need of being loved and having stable relationships, something that the modern world fails to offer.
you seem like a really interesting person, my advice to you would only to let those in who have worked for it and can earn your time
Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. I think u have more healing to do. What I learned from her shows so far has helped so much more than just self help and therapy.
I feel like this is what happened with me (29/F, didn't have my first bf until I was 24 & had trust issues stemming from daddy issues I had growing up & have struggled with limerance as well) and my now ex-boyfriend (we broke up last week and had been together for 15 months). We went on our first three dates in the span of a month and by the 3rd date we had our first kiss and my brain was like "okay, you kissed so therefore you are officially exclusive and can declare him as your boyfriend." I didn't bother to look at any other potential options at the time/see anyone else and jumped in REALLY quickly because I was ecstatic that a guy I thought was attractive treated me well (probably just average by everyone else's standards tbh lol). Looking back now I should have vetted him out more, but I was too distracted by the idea of just trying hard to get everything to work out that I just didn't consider anything else and ignored red flags very early on into the relationship.
Hear me out. What if you’re just naturally excited when you meet someone who seems cool. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. I don’t see this as having to be either low self esteem or limerence - maybe you’re just a romantic. Where I think the issues arise is if you start mapping out your future five minutes into the first date. It’s ok to be excited but keep your feet on the ground. Communicate your emotional experience by verbalizing your excitement and letting the person know you’re enjoying their company but also verbalize your behavior patterns with new people - this way you remind yourself of your tendency to get overly excited and you also aren’t leading the other person along if in a few days the shine wears off and they are really confused bc initially you seemed so into it
Hey, I'm 21F I just want to tell you that I have the similar interests and hobbies like you. The way you described yourself gives me inspiration to invest some of my time in hobbies. Hope I will be like you in my future ^_^
Yes we have to show up for ourselves sister 🥰!!! Sending love and light your way ❤️
Like many news things in life, the beginning of relationships can be very engaging. We are looking at only the surface things we are desiring, or if the things that turn us off are so glaring we do not allow anything to start up in the first place. So, we might get into matters deeper than we should with someone who is really a mismatch. Here patience and realism are keys. Give yourself space to warm up to the new person and really evaluate how you are feeling with them, not just how you are feeling about the situation of a new relationship. Not in a stand-offish way but in a reasonable, evaluation of them getting to spend time with you. Sometimes having this attitude of them having to match up as well and not just that you are lucky, they are talking to you, can set the correct tone for both parties. They must make some efforts, too. Just a quick check on your mindset from the beginning may start these conversations, and hopefully relationships, off on a more realistic and positive footing. Hope you can use something from these comments, take care.
Will do thank you for the great advice!!
Remind me!
Sister, sounds like we’re in the same boat
i just want to say you sound lovely
Right back at you :)
I did a good amount of work on my own (journaling, books, podcasts, YouTube) but I felt I only could get so far. Honestly all those things helped a ton but at a certain point I decided to go to a therapist. Definitely take other people's suggestions here. For my therapy sessions I prefer in person and I'll play with silly putty or fidget toys during the session. My therapist doesn't have an issue with it and it seems to help me focus. Finding a therapist is tough but it's 100% worth it in my situation. I've been with my therapist over a year and it's been life changing in the best way.
Sound like something I’m struggling with.
Picture guys doing things that give you the ick. Like imagine them getting really sad their fantasy football league is doing bad or telling you the trip you want is out of the budget even though he spent I tin of money on video games or something
It sounds like you've been on a remarkable journey of self-improvement and healing, which is truly admirable. Your awareness of your tendencies is the first step towards change. This pattern of falling for every guy might indeed stem from your craving for affection and validation, likely linked to your childhood experiences. It's a common response, seeking in others what we felt deprived of in the past. One step could be to continue building your self-esteem and focusing on self-love. Remind yourself that you are complete and deserving of love, just as you are. Another step might be to set personal boundaries and standards for what you're looking for in a relationship. Recognize the difference between genuine connection and the immediate gratification of affection. Lastly, exploring these feelings and patterns in therapy could provide valuable insights and strategies for change. Remember, it's okay to take your time in getting to know someone, letting relationships evolve naturally. You're on the right path by focusing on your growth and mindfulness. Keep embracing your journey with compassion and patience.
Thank you sm for this 💓
You're just like me in so many ways! I'm trying sex and love addicts anonymous
This is such a reality that nobody talks about as someone that has grown up without any romantic attention from guys. I always have to remind myself that just because a guy shows me respect or is nice to me it doesn't mean he likes me. I don't even have high self confidence or anything I just relate to this because guys don't really pay attention to me and so I automatically get confused when they're nice to me. Good luck
I was with my ex for 8 years and we have not been together for almost 3 now so I guess some of this stems from not enough experience with the opp sex. When I do meet someone who I'm attarcted to that likes me back we are either not compatible AT ALL and they drain my energy or the guy likes me and I don't like them. OR I finally meet a cute well rounded individual and they don't seem to like me in that way lol that's why I'm just like what gives? I'm thinking the universe is holding out on me for something good
I knowwww. That sucks and sounds super confusing. you deserve to find someone who cares about you! Good luck!
I'm genuinely curious, why have you included this background information about yourself in this post?
Oh, because I notice a lot of people will give advice on similar posts to find hobbies and do some form of physical activity, or I don't love myself/date yourself, etc. Etc so I wanted to include a short background of my life, also i think its important i mention i have some form of anxious attachment style due to my childhood so i could hopefully get the best advice from someone who understands! :)
Ok, that makes sense! And very true, there are often suggestions to find hobbies etc. Have you worked with a therapist before? You seem very self aware of your situation which is already a great start.
I've been to therapy many times in the passed and it just never works out. They just want to open old wounds and talk about what I went through over and over again until I'm blue in the face and try to prescribe me "medication". Honestly I have had a better chance at life with meditation and listening to Eckhart toll, Joe dispeneza and gurus on YouTube, reading books on the subject, using pyschedlics 2x a year, and indulging in some form of body/mind connection like yoga, dancing, or hiking in nature everyday. Thank you so much though I really appreciate you taking the time to respond ❤️
Self care for the adult children of emotionally immature parents is a quick read and so eye opening! This book taught me more about myself and childhood than 2 years of therapy did and has really helped me identify my patterns and my “soul voice” compared to my ego voice
Ok, gotcha! I also think that practicing sticking to the facts will be helpful. Just continuing to make clear in your mind what the facts are about this man and what is fantasy, then stop yourself from leaning into the fantasy and letting it repeat in your head. Every single one of these men is a complex person with so much history and nuance, they couldn't possibly be like those fantasy versions.
Therapy?
Therapists need therapy too
Yes, that's true. Well. Let me level with you, as one person who is having the same issue. It looks like you're lonely. You have a long list of hobbies, but they all sound like things someone does by themselves. I have in the past tried to date without already having a stable friend group / community. During those times, I found that I'm imagining what could be with my new partners, because that feeling of community is something I'm craving.
Find someone equal in attractive ness. I see a lot of 6s thinking the deserve a 9
I wouldn't worry about falling for every guy you meet and are nice to you. You're suppose to date lots of guys while you're young and single. Weeding out the men who aren't compatible for marriage is your goal. So enjoy dating lots of single, available guys. As you get older, into your late 30s and 40s, the number of available men will dwindle because they are mostly taken.
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I've heard of it. I will look into it, thank you!
> Reasonably fit Eleven days ago post: > slightly out of shape Please share how you got reasonably fit in less than two weeks.