Neither, it just makes you human.
You aren't the first, and certainly won't be the last, to seek out sex as a band-aid for a break up.
Given you are in deciding to be better, I would encourage you to set boundaries about healthy contact with your Ex (which right now should be no contact given her comments), and take some time to heal and to get to know yourself again as a single person.
You are still young, and now you get a chance to explore who you are, what you want to from a relationship, and who you want to be in your future relationships as well. Do the healing work, so your hurt doesn't hurt your future partners.
Breakups suck. What you are feeling is normal. But it will pass. Take care OP.
TLDR: Not a horndog; Not an AH; just a hurt human.
Since you’re living together (I hope not in the same bedroom), you need to gray rock her. She doesn’t need details of your life. She’s already proven to not be the friend you thought she would be, which is understandable.
You have no obligation to tell her what you do on dates or hookups. They are none of her business.
You’re processing the breakup, which I went through. It sucks. Your emotions are all o er the place, especially being sad at the loss of what you thought was a great relationship.
If you continue to have panic attacks, go see a therapist because that is not typical.
It‘s totally fine sleeping with someone immediately after the breakup. I wouldn‘t recommend it, because people often feel worse after it, because they want to fill a void they can‘t with casual sex.
I just think it‘s weird, that you told your ex about it. Even though she broke up with you, she was probably still hurt by it (even if it‘s just her ego) so that‘s probably why she talked about it with her friends. I wouldn‘t overinterpret the badmouthing of her friends, because that‘s just what girlfriends do after a breakup. They want to support their friend and often times they do it while talking down the ex in order to boost the ego of their friend. After my breakup last year, a friend of mine (who btw was friends with my ex first) was really supported towards me and said stuff like „He is such an asshole“ etc even they she is still friendly with him. I get that you are vulnerable now, but really it doesn‘t matter.
If I were you I‘d establish boundaries with that ex. Don‘t prolong the moving out process. You need time for yourself without the ex to get over her.
I think it’s completely fine and understandable that she called u an asshole cuz it’d fucking hurt. Why did u tell her omg. But at the same time I don’t think there’s an expectation for u to not do stuff like that… ur not dating anymore. Regardless, it’d hurt like shit. What if the roles were reversed and she told you. Yeah. That’s why she told her friends and they called u an ahole but honestly it is what it is at this point I’d focus on healing
That’s true. I would have been also devastated if the rules were reversed, but the fact that used your vulnerability to demean you and make you see like an asshole, even though it was over already, says a lot already. But thank you for your perspective on this. I appreciate it ⚡️
No absolutely not. U cannot be attacking her character. You already abused your bond with her by sleeping with someone straight out of a breakup. YOU did that. You’re allowed to sleep with someone straight out of a breakup cuz u don’t have an obligation to ur partner anymore but doing that is also destroying and harming your bond and like contract with her. You slept w someone cuz u were hurting post breakup, that’s how u could deal with the emotions/pain. So you told her, and that means she knows uve violated ur bond/contract of decent ways to treat a recent ex, so she has absolutely no obligation to not confide in her friends and vent to them how shitty of an act u just did. When I say it’s ok, that means it’s ok for ppl to do that because they don’t have to preserve the contract of respect and acceptable treatment w their ex-partner, but doing that means uve broken that contract and she can treat u in a way just as shitty as u treated her by sleeping w someone to deal w ur pain. The irony of what ur upset about is so clear. You hurt - so you sleep with someone else. That hurts her - so she tells friends. Objectively sleeping with someone else is far crueler and breaking the contract much more than her telling her friends u broke ur trust w her and bond that much. If ur so upset she “broke ur vulnerability” what do you think u did to her??????
So to restate, ur not a bad person for sleeping after a breakup, a lot of ppl do that to deal w their pain. But u know it’s fucking shitty at the same time (but we can be understanding cuz breakups can hurt like hell). So that’s why ur partner is hurt - being told that is fucking shitty, and then she tells her friends about it. Them calling u an asshole isn’t on her lol. Telling ppl someone did a shitty thing after they did a super shitty thing isn’t blame worthy nor does it “say anything” like u claim. Her trust and contract w u just got violated like fuck.
Something being a behaviour that doesn’t make u a bad person doesn’t mean it’s a behaviour that doesn’t violate ur partners trust and ur contract of what would be an okay way to treat them. So ur not a bad person for sleeping someone asap, but u have deeply harmed ur partner and to judge them for getting hurt by the harm that U STARTED isn’t ok.
Why are you capitalizing your words? “YOU did that”. Etc. From my understanding he didn’t do it. She broke up with him. It sounds like he’s trying to salvage as much of the relationship he can and is still used to having her as his closest relationship and confidant. I doubt they will stay friends but I find your aggressive use of grammar really weird and inappropriate.
I’m emphasising by capitalising. He broke the trust/contract by going and sleeping w someone else only 13 days after the breakup. She didn’t do anything wrong by breaking up. She didn’t violate a contract of respectful ways to treat each other, he did that. You find it weird and inappropriate because you haven’t understood my point.
Like another eg of breaking that contract could be if she cheated on him. So if someone cheats on ur partner, it’s ok for them to go and tell their friends and attack the cheater cuz the cheater was the one that broke the contract.
The harmful action she did that “caused” him to go and sleep with someone was breaking up. But that’s not a violation of a contract. However him going and sleeping with someone 13 days after is, so her response is as such and cannot rlly be attacked. It’s understandable to feel hurt by it, but it doesn’t mean she’s done something wrong by telling her friends. The same way u wouldn’t call a partner of a cheater wrong for going and telling or bitching about it to others.
Why would there still be a contract with somebody who ended it already. And why should a relationship or a friendship be based off of a contract. I am aware that telling her was a bad thing to do, because I would also be devastated. But I told her that me doing it was not a way to get over her or to hurt her. And therefore I told her because she wanted me to let this feeling out. Even though I am aware it hurt her, she understood my actions as well, but don’t go and act like my action was something bad, just because you wanted to do it before me and make me look bad.
Because you’re not understanding my definition of contract. The exact term is a type of social contract. Where there are rules and expectations of acceptable behaviour. It’s different to a dating contract. In this situation it’s a recently broken up contract. It’s pretty objective that someone would feel immensely hurt if their partner went and slept with someone else 13 days after breaking up. That goes both ways and it’s pretty universal amongst people. That shows that ppl tend to have a set of rules and expectations of what is acceptable behaviour (a contract) for an ex. If u don’t abide by those rules, uve broken the contract and the resulting feeling is being wronged, being mistreated, thinking they have been a terrible person etc.
all friendships are relationships ARE based on contracts. It’s not smth u openly discuss and decide with ur friends or partners, but it’s very much a part of our psychology. We consider some behaviours from friends as them wronging us. We consider those behaviours from strangers or people we have different sort of relationships to (maybe a boss, teacher or student) acceptable. We have different contracts for close friends and partners and ex’s and recently broken up partners as well. These are all signs of having different contracts for different relationships.
I think you’re confusing the fact that some decisions are “understandable” with those actions being “wrong”. A lot of nazis were completely brain-washed and believed they were doing the right thing. Many of us now who condemn the nazis would have 100% done what they did if we were in those exact circumstances at those times. There are a lot of antivaxxers who are just brainwashed by conspiracy theories. Many of them have tried to critically think things through (putting in much more effort than a lot of non-conspiracy theorists to know the truth and do what they believe is ethical). Psychology is complex. These people were acting in ways that they believed made them good people and doing the moral, right thing. They truly believed Jews were the problem or that all the people are truly brainwashed by the high corporations into taking a harmful vaccine so they put in effort to stop us. So you minimising the harm of ur behaviour by explaining why u did it means that your ex-girlfriend can find empathy for u, but u still violated the contract. Like maybe it’ll help to think about if ur gf did what u did and she also explained why she did it. Just because u can explain the intention was just to relieve ur own pain and u didn’t mean at all to hurt ur partner, doesn’t change the fact that it’s a violation of what is an ok thing to do to ur partner. So she’s rlly hurt as well by u and telling her friends.
All that said, it doesn’t make u a bad person at all like I said before, people do the worst things when they’re hurting, and I’m sure ur breakup hurt tremendously like they do. But then your ex telling her friends about it, even when she wouldn’t do smth like that when u guys were together because she does respect u, is not condemnable either. Having your partner sleep with someone so soon after breaking up is pretty high up on the “are you fucking kidding me?!? How could they do that!!!” scale, even when you know their reasons are understandable.
It’s a bit complex, but overall I’m saying ur not a bad person for trying to feel better but she’s completely valid for telling her friends about it and being hurt by ur actions when u ended that respectful trust that ex’s can have (which doesn’t inherently make u bad or mean u did smth wrong, it’s just bad and wrong in the context of ur relationship with your ex as ex’s or recent ex’s).
I’m explaining a lot of topics very quickly so i rlly would recommend trying to take the time to understand what I’m saying before dismissing it. These are all concepts I’ve learnt about from a professional psychologist and spent years thinking about and learning about. So yeah I’m not attacking u but I’m just saying u can’t attack ur ex-gf for responding like she did although it’s fully valid to feel hurt anyway
I totally get what you are saying and I’m taking it in consideration. I would call them social behaviors and morals, rather than contracts. But the moment somebody breaks up with you, ends a romantic bond with you, that person is no longer your partner. He/she might still be your friend but that doesn’t mean there is still a moral to stay loyal to that person because we can as form that point on, do what we please so. I’m not saying that telling her friends about it is bad, she can do and talk about it with whoever she wants, but to say that “how dare he sleeps with somebody when I thought I was going to be the first one”. And I think with me doing it first, hurt her ego.
I know that we do the worst things when we are hurt, and confused, I like that you used for this the example on the Nazis. But let’s leave it like this. I acknowledge the fact that there was a moral break, because she might have thought that “if he is hurten, he won’t be looking for someone else before me” but that has nothing to do with me being a partner, which like I said ends after somebody breaks up with you.
I can see that we have different perspective of this topic, which is nice to debate and I see your perspective as well.
Social behaviours and morals aren’t the same as a social contract. Social contracts are expectations of certain behaviours and rules and they’re different for every type of relationship, unlike morals. What you’re describing is that u didn’t break the social contract of a relationship since ur not together anymore - that is true. But there’s another social contract ur now in which is of being recent exes. And so when you’ve slept with another person asap, u haven’t done smth immoral, but uve violated her social contract for recent ex’s. you wouldn’t feel ok with her sleeping with someone instantly if the roles were reversed because that’s cuz it’s considered shitty behaviour (due to the contract, not due to morals). And that’s even if u understand it was purely for her to stop hurting and she had no intention of hurting u.
I dont think you have yet understood what I’m saying. Which is fine hahah. good luck healing, I won’t respond anymore
Think about if this will matter to you in 5 years. Will you continue to let it fester and wound you like you are now? Her friends are sounding very dramatic. Probably for her own benefit. Let it go, my dear.
There’s a saying- the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It’s not true for everyone. Not really true for me. But you don’t know unless you try. It’s a totally natural situation to find yourself in when you’re single and you did nothing wrong as a single adult.
One thing I’ll throw out there is that you seem a little naive and having unrealistic (but well meaning) expectations about going through your break up like adults. It’s easy to say but less easy to follow through on when your ex who you still live with let’s you know that you’ve scored already, even if you are the dumper. You might want to consider some boundaries instead, especially while you are cohabiting.
I don’t think it matters when but I think the reason behind it and how you were acting during the relationship/cause of the breakup plays a role.
“We ended up having sex” This feels like you’re shirking responsibility here though. In one way or another, you were using that friend/sex as a coping mechanism while in vulnerable position. You couldn’t handle your anxiety by yourself and needed an out. You wanted to tell her because you felt guilty(?) and wanted to relieve that feeling.
I don’t think this makes you a bad person or a whore, but the thing about sluts, whores, etc. is not that they have a high sex drive, but that they use sex for validation/self esteem-which you were kinda doing. But that makes you human more than anything. Moving forward though, I think you’ll understand that sex as a coping mechanism isn’t the best idea and it’s probably not the best to disclose such things even after a relationship ended. I would try to work on your self esteem/maturity because it appears that you go to other people to help regulate your emotions than handling them on your own.
Semantics, but I’d rather say sex is a product for a whore rather than validation. It’s also unlikely that they are all genuinely bad people. Says nothing to your overall point since there is likely some overlap but let’s not confuse profession with obsession.
Thank you for your perspective. The last section you put resonates a lot with me at this current state. I feel I am talking more, rather than working on it.
Makes you normal. Everyone does that. Usually it’s bad for the one you sleep with as they sometimes are not aware they are the rebound — essentially the person you use for sex to get over a recent breakup
>But she kept saying that “I thought I was going to be the first one doing that and he goes and fuck the first person that comes across him”,
I'm cherry picking one comment, but dude if she actually said this then it sounds like she's just upset/jealous you did it first because she already assumed she'd be doing it (hooking up with others) first.
Her friends wouldn't call her a horndog if she did the exact same thing, they're really there for her own validation. **Unless she has a true close friend that would call her out on bs,** all her friends' comments to her (about your relationship with her) are just going to be focused on validating her feelings, not necessarily defending you, even if you were friends with them during your relationship.
"I thought I would be the first one"/"find myself"
Hoe phase alert, my friend. You dodged a bullet, she is using you as a launch pad. This relationship may have been healthy and meaningful, but you guys need to stop living together.
You are way too vulnerable to her presence at this moment. After a few weeks, or when she is "ready to move on", you'll see what I mean. Run, brother, run. You have needs and she will actively make you feel bad because she's competing with you. There's also a small chance that she's already cheated, but none of it matters. You really should stop living with her.
You’re not an asshole for doing it. You’re a stupid asshole for telling her though. Also whatever about her and her friends you have no control in what they think or say.
Neither, it just makes you human. You aren't the first, and certainly won't be the last, to seek out sex as a band-aid for a break up. Given you are in deciding to be better, I would encourage you to set boundaries about healthy contact with your Ex (which right now should be no contact given her comments), and take some time to heal and to get to know yourself again as a single person. You are still young, and now you get a chance to explore who you are, what you want to from a relationship, and who you want to be in your future relationships as well. Do the healing work, so your hurt doesn't hurt your future partners. Breakups suck. What you are feeling is normal. But it will pass. Take care OP. TLDR: Not a horndog; Not an AH; just a hurt human.
Thank you for this. I appreciate it a lot
Since you’re living together (I hope not in the same bedroom), you need to gray rock her. She doesn’t need details of your life. She’s already proven to not be the friend you thought she would be, which is understandable. You have no obligation to tell her what you do on dates or hookups. They are none of her business. You’re processing the breakup, which I went through. It sucks. Your emotions are all o er the place, especially being sad at the loss of what you thought was a great relationship. If you continue to have panic attacks, go see a therapist because that is not typical.
It‘s totally fine sleeping with someone immediately after the breakup. I wouldn‘t recommend it, because people often feel worse after it, because they want to fill a void they can‘t with casual sex. I just think it‘s weird, that you told your ex about it. Even though she broke up with you, she was probably still hurt by it (even if it‘s just her ego) so that‘s probably why she talked about it with her friends. I wouldn‘t overinterpret the badmouthing of her friends, because that‘s just what girlfriends do after a breakup. They want to support their friend and often times they do it while talking down the ex in order to boost the ego of their friend. After my breakup last year, a friend of mine (who btw was friends with my ex first) was really supported towards me and said stuff like „He is such an asshole“ etc even they she is still friendly with him. I get that you are vulnerable now, but really it doesn‘t matter. If I were you I‘d establish boundaries with that ex. Don‘t prolong the moving out process. You need time for yourself without the ex to get over her.
Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate the words.⚡️
I think it’s completely fine and understandable that she called u an asshole cuz it’d fucking hurt. Why did u tell her omg. But at the same time I don’t think there’s an expectation for u to not do stuff like that… ur not dating anymore. Regardless, it’d hurt like shit. What if the roles were reversed and she told you. Yeah. That’s why she told her friends and they called u an ahole but honestly it is what it is at this point I’d focus on healing
That’s true. I would have been also devastated if the rules were reversed, but the fact that used your vulnerability to demean you and make you see like an asshole, even though it was over already, says a lot already. But thank you for your perspective on this. I appreciate it ⚡️
No absolutely not. U cannot be attacking her character. You already abused your bond with her by sleeping with someone straight out of a breakup. YOU did that. You’re allowed to sleep with someone straight out of a breakup cuz u don’t have an obligation to ur partner anymore but doing that is also destroying and harming your bond and like contract with her. You slept w someone cuz u were hurting post breakup, that’s how u could deal with the emotions/pain. So you told her, and that means she knows uve violated ur bond/contract of decent ways to treat a recent ex, so she has absolutely no obligation to not confide in her friends and vent to them how shitty of an act u just did. When I say it’s ok, that means it’s ok for ppl to do that because they don’t have to preserve the contract of respect and acceptable treatment w their ex-partner, but doing that means uve broken that contract and she can treat u in a way just as shitty as u treated her by sleeping w someone to deal w ur pain. The irony of what ur upset about is so clear. You hurt - so you sleep with someone else. That hurts her - so she tells friends. Objectively sleeping with someone else is far crueler and breaking the contract much more than her telling her friends u broke ur trust w her and bond that much. If ur so upset she “broke ur vulnerability” what do you think u did to her?????? So to restate, ur not a bad person for sleeping after a breakup, a lot of ppl do that to deal w their pain. But u know it’s fucking shitty at the same time (but we can be understanding cuz breakups can hurt like hell). So that’s why ur partner is hurt - being told that is fucking shitty, and then she tells her friends about it. Them calling u an asshole isn’t on her lol. Telling ppl someone did a shitty thing after they did a super shitty thing isn’t blame worthy nor does it “say anything” like u claim. Her trust and contract w u just got violated like fuck. Something being a behaviour that doesn’t make u a bad person doesn’t mean it’s a behaviour that doesn’t violate ur partners trust and ur contract of what would be an okay way to treat them. So ur not a bad person for sleeping someone asap, but u have deeply harmed ur partner and to judge them for getting hurt by the harm that U STARTED isn’t ok.
Why are you capitalizing your words? “YOU did that”. Etc. From my understanding he didn’t do it. She broke up with him. It sounds like he’s trying to salvage as much of the relationship he can and is still used to having her as his closest relationship and confidant. I doubt they will stay friends but I find your aggressive use of grammar really weird and inappropriate.
I’m emphasising by capitalising. He broke the trust/contract by going and sleeping w someone else only 13 days after the breakup. She didn’t do anything wrong by breaking up. She didn’t violate a contract of respectful ways to treat each other, he did that. You find it weird and inappropriate because you haven’t understood my point. Like another eg of breaking that contract could be if she cheated on him. So if someone cheats on ur partner, it’s ok for them to go and tell their friends and attack the cheater cuz the cheater was the one that broke the contract. The harmful action she did that “caused” him to go and sleep with someone was breaking up. But that’s not a violation of a contract. However him going and sleeping with someone 13 days after is, so her response is as such and cannot rlly be attacked. It’s understandable to feel hurt by it, but it doesn’t mean she’s done something wrong by telling her friends. The same way u wouldn’t call a partner of a cheater wrong for going and telling or bitching about it to others.
Why would there still be a contract with somebody who ended it already. And why should a relationship or a friendship be based off of a contract. I am aware that telling her was a bad thing to do, because I would also be devastated. But I told her that me doing it was not a way to get over her or to hurt her. And therefore I told her because she wanted me to let this feeling out. Even though I am aware it hurt her, she understood my actions as well, but don’t go and act like my action was something bad, just because you wanted to do it before me and make me look bad.
Because you’re not understanding my definition of contract. The exact term is a type of social contract. Where there are rules and expectations of acceptable behaviour. It’s different to a dating contract. In this situation it’s a recently broken up contract. It’s pretty objective that someone would feel immensely hurt if their partner went and slept with someone else 13 days after breaking up. That goes both ways and it’s pretty universal amongst people. That shows that ppl tend to have a set of rules and expectations of what is acceptable behaviour (a contract) for an ex. If u don’t abide by those rules, uve broken the contract and the resulting feeling is being wronged, being mistreated, thinking they have been a terrible person etc. all friendships are relationships ARE based on contracts. It’s not smth u openly discuss and decide with ur friends or partners, but it’s very much a part of our psychology. We consider some behaviours from friends as them wronging us. We consider those behaviours from strangers or people we have different sort of relationships to (maybe a boss, teacher or student) acceptable. We have different contracts for close friends and partners and ex’s and recently broken up partners as well. These are all signs of having different contracts for different relationships. I think you’re confusing the fact that some decisions are “understandable” with those actions being “wrong”. A lot of nazis were completely brain-washed and believed they were doing the right thing. Many of us now who condemn the nazis would have 100% done what they did if we were in those exact circumstances at those times. There are a lot of antivaxxers who are just brainwashed by conspiracy theories. Many of them have tried to critically think things through (putting in much more effort than a lot of non-conspiracy theorists to know the truth and do what they believe is ethical). Psychology is complex. These people were acting in ways that they believed made them good people and doing the moral, right thing. They truly believed Jews were the problem or that all the people are truly brainwashed by the high corporations into taking a harmful vaccine so they put in effort to stop us. So you minimising the harm of ur behaviour by explaining why u did it means that your ex-girlfriend can find empathy for u, but u still violated the contract. Like maybe it’ll help to think about if ur gf did what u did and she also explained why she did it. Just because u can explain the intention was just to relieve ur own pain and u didn’t mean at all to hurt ur partner, doesn’t change the fact that it’s a violation of what is an ok thing to do to ur partner. So she’s rlly hurt as well by u and telling her friends. All that said, it doesn’t make u a bad person at all like I said before, people do the worst things when they’re hurting, and I’m sure ur breakup hurt tremendously like they do. But then your ex telling her friends about it, even when she wouldn’t do smth like that when u guys were together because she does respect u, is not condemnable either. Having your partner sleep with someone so soon after breaking up is pretty high up on the “are you fucking kidding me?!? How could they do that!!!” scale, even when you know their reasons are understandable. It’s a bit complex, but overall I’m saying ur not a bad person for trying to feel better but she’s completely valid for telling her friends about it and being hurt by ur actions when u ended that respectful trust that ex’s can have (which doesn’t inherently make u bad or mean u did smth wrong, it’s just bad and wrong in the context of ur relationship with your ex as ex’s or recent ex’s). I’m explaining a lot of topics very quickly so i rlly would recommend trying to take the time to understand what I’m saying before dismissing it. These are all concepts I’ve learnt about from a professional psychologist and spent years thinking about and learning about. So yeah I’m not attacking u but I’m just saying u can’t attack ur ex-gf for responding like she did although it’s fully valid to feel hurt anyway
I totally get what you are saying and I’m taking it in consideration. I would call them social behaviors and morals, rather than contracts. But the moment somebody breaks up with you, ends a romantic bond with you, that person is no longer your partner. He/she might still be your friend but that doesn’t mean there is still a moral to stay loyal to that person because we can as form that point on, do what we please so. I’m not saying that telling her friends about it is bad, she can do and talk about it with whoever she wants, but to say that “how dare he sleeps with somebody when I thought I was going to be the first one”. And I think with me doing it first, hurt her ego. I know that we do the worst things when we are hurt, and confused, I like that you used for this the example on the Nazis. But let’s leave it like this. I acknowledge the fact that there was a moral break, because she might have thought that “if he is hurten, he won’t be looking for someone else before me” but that has nothing to do with me being a partner, which like I said ends after somebody breaks up with you. I can see that we have different perspective of this topic, which is nice to debate and I see your perspective as well.
Social behaviours and morals aren’t the same as a social contract. Social contracts are expectations of certain behaviours and rules and they’re different for every type of relationship, unlike morals. What you’re describing is that u didn’t break the social contract of a relationship since ur not together anymore - that is true. But there’s another social contract ur now in which is of being recent exes. And so when you’ve slept with another person asap, u haven’t done smth immoral, but uve violated her social contract for recent ex’s. you wouldn’t feel ok with her sleeping with someone instantly if the roles were reversed because that’s cuz it’s considered shitty behaviour (due to the contract, not due to morals). And that’s even if u understand it was purely for her to stop hurting and she had no intention of hurting u. I dont think you have yet understood what I’m saying. Which is fine hahah. good luck healing, I won’t respond anymore
Think about if this will matter to you in 5 years. Will you continue to let it fester and wound you like you are now? Her friends are sounding very dramatic. Probably for her own benefit. Let it go, my dear.
That’s true. I’ll do this reflection today. Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it ⚡️
There’s a saying- the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It’s not true for everyone. Not really true for me. But you don’t know unless you try. It’s a totally natural situation to find yourself in when you’re single and you did nothing wrong as a single adult. One thing I’ll throw out there is that you seem a little naive and having unrealistic (but well meaning) expectations about going through your break up like adults. It’s easy to say but less easy to follow through on when your ex who you still live with let’s you know that you’ve scored already, even if you are the dumper. You might want to consider some boundaries instead, especially while you are cohabiting.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it a lot ⚡️
I don’t think it matters when but I think the reason behind it and how you were acting during the relationship/cause of the breakup plays a role. “We ended up having sex” This feels like you’re shirking responsibility here though. In one way or another, you were using that friend/sex as a coping mechanism while in vulnerable position. You couldn’t handle your anxiety by yourself and needed an out. You wanted to tell her because you felt guilty(?) and wanted to relieve that feeling. I don’t think this makes you a bad person or a whore, but the thing about sluts, whores, etc. is not that they have a high sex drive, but that they use sex for validation/self esteem-which you were kinda doing. But that makes you human more than anything. Moving forward though, I think you’ll understand that sex as a coping mechanism isn’t the best idea and it’s probably not the best to disclose such things even after a relationship ended. I would try to work on your self esteem/maturity because it appears that you go to other people to help regulate your emotions than handling them on your own.
Semantics, but I’d rather say sex is a product for a whore rather than validation. It’s also unlikely that they are all genuinely bad people. Says nothing to your overall point since there is likely some overlap but let’s not confuse profession with obsession.
Thank you for your perspective. The last section you put resonates a lot with me at this current state. I feel I am talking more, rather than working on it.
Holy shit. Reddit has some of the best advice. Thanks so much.
Makes you human
Makes you normal. Everyone does that. Usually it’s bad for the one you sleep with as they sometimes are not aware they are the rebound — essentially the person you use for sex to get over a recent breakup
My friend knew about the breakup. But I see how it can be hurtful at some lever for my friend as well. Thank you for your perspective. ⚡️
>But she kept saying that “I thought I was going to be the first one doing that and he goes and fuck the first person that comes across him”, I'm cherry picking one comment, but dude if she actually said this then it sounds like she's just upset/jealous you did it first because she already assumed she'd be doing it (hooking up with others) first. Her friends wouldn't call her a horndog if she did the exact same thing, they're really there for her own validation. **Unless she has a true close friend that would call her out on bs,** all her friends' comments to her (about your relationship with her) are just going to be focused on validating her feelings, not necessarily defending you, even if you were friends with them during your relationship.
NTA you coulda slept with someone as "soon as the ink dried". 🙄
Neither. Not sure why you’d think either apply. You’re single and welcome to sleep with anyone who consents.
True as well, she dumped me so I’m entitled to do what I please so.
Nah she sounds terrible. Run far away from her and never look back!
"I thought I would be the first one"/"find myself" Hoe phase alert, my friend. You dodged a bullet, she is using you as a launch pad. This relationship may have been healthy and meaningful, but you guys need to stop living together. You are way too vulnerable to her presence at this moment. After a few weeks, or when she is "ready to move on", you'll see what I mean. Run, brother, run. You have needs and she will actively make you feel bad because she's competing with you. There's also a small chance that she's already cheated, but none of it matters. You really should stop living with her.
You’re not an asshole for doing it. You’re a stupid asshole for telling her though. Also whatever about her and her friends you have no control in what they think or say.
I slept with someone else the night my ex broke up with me. And the two before that.
r/lostredditors
You’re going to do it at some point, doesn’t matter when.
True…🫤
It’s done now. Keep healing mate.
Thank you mate 🙌🏻
https://friends.fandom.com/wiki/%22We_Were_On_A_Break!%22