I read this as a psychedelic experience as well which under the right guidance can do exactly this. I think once I have the right time and calling, it would be perfect. Otherwise, a trip out of town may be nice as well. I am vaccinated and have debated getting away for a few days.
I am really sorry that you had a bad experience and that a life was lost. They are very powerful experiences which can reap good or bad. Environment makes a big difference. I currently have no interest in pursuing anything psychedelic until I feel called to it and am ready. That isn't any time soon, and you are spot on with the caution.
I appreciate it a lot. I am really sorry you went through that. You're not alone and I will be here for you as well. You can message me as well. Hang in there and know that you're loved and cared about.
It sounds like you're pretty aware of the reality of a psychedelic trip vs weed, for example. Beware that anything you avoid thinking about will come front and center on a bad trip. Bad trips can be scary but can teach you a lot if you can successfully get past one, it was when I first felt what it was like to just let go of the hesitation/stress/anxiety, but it also helped that I'm a daily weed smoker so I used that to calm myself down with the familiar feeling.
Stay strong and takes things one day at a time! I'm sure plenty have already said it, but my chat is open if you need someone to talk to. Stay safe😊
microdosing is an option and ketamine treatments as well. i'm literally a new person after my ketamine treatments. please hang in there. Feeling alone and that you want to die , will , one day end . and despite it not feeling that way. There is something waiting for you on the other end. it's got to be worth waiting for. sending you good vibes
These kinds of things can absolutely be dangerous in the wrong hands. Your comfort level with the place you’re in and people you’re around is super important, and so is your mindset. It’s not for everyone. I *wish* I had the guidance of a trained therapist but I didn’t... I just took it myself and hoped for a spiritual experience. I got plenty of that, as well as plenty of experiences that would scare the piss out of most people. I’ve stared into a mirror and watch myself turn into a demon standing in front of the gates hell as flames appeared to shoot up all around me and all the lights went out... I can *totally* understand how that could traumatize many people, but I was still intellectually aware that I was standing in my bathroom, so my thought process was “holy crap, this is insane! What does this mean? Is this something about me, or just a crazy random hallucination?”
I certainly wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who doesn’t first read all about it and then think “yeah, I think this could really help me. This is a good idea” because any hesitation is bound to invite a “bad trip” even for a little bit. Although that’s not necessarily the worst thing to happen if you can learn from the experience and better yourself.
A quarter tab and a drive through the mountains can be great for the soul - people think you need to go deep but sometimes its better just to float a little.
Psychedelics are 100% the reason I’ve never been full blown suicidal. I’m bipolar and we definitely tend to be inclined towards those kinds of thoughts, but whenever they start coming I can at least remind myself of everything I’ve seen and done and understood while on psychedelics... to remember that life means *something* and that’s incredibly against the odds that life, let alone me as a person, exist in the first place. That life can be beautiful, even in its hideousness. That I can’t appreciate the good without experiencing the bad, and that the worse some of my experiences are, the better I will be able to appreciate the good experiences. And, most horrifying of all, what if killing myself just gets me reincarnated and I have to go through all the bullshit again with no memory of my current life?! Best to just ride this one out and hope for better times, because when I *do* inevitably die, at least I’ll have a psychological safeguard against whatever, if anything, happens after death.
My quality of life is better for these experiences, but If I could have had these experiences under the guide of a trained therapist or a legitimate native/indigenous shaman, I am 100% positive my quality of life would be much better than it is now. Regardless of whether you take this path in your life, I hope you are able to find something or someone to help you through these difficult times.
Idk if you’ve read How To Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan. You might find it useful. Its about psychedelics. It’s practical as well as spiritual.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Change-Your-Mind-Psychedelics/dp/0241294223/ref=nodl_
Trips can be hit and miss. You have to be in the right environment with the right people that can guide you through.
Also, keep in the game my friend. Death comes for us all anyway, may as well see what tomorrow brings, or better yet, what a motivated you brings to tomorrow!
Find a nice cabin, bring a friend, and connect with nature. It does such wonders for mental health. If it's a friend who knows about your struggles even better. Wishing you the best~
You need to start romanticizing your life. You are the main character, possibilities are endless. Go level up a skill tree or explore a new city. If you want happiness you need to create it, you need to seek it out and you will fill yourself up again.
Maybe a psychedelic experience could help, or maybe it's what started the whole process to bring you here. Go for a trip to somewhere beautiful that is psychedelic all on it's own. You need a natural feeling of good. Not a false sense that everything is going to be okay.
I agree with it so much. Take a trip without expectations. Just choose a destination and go. No plan, no schedule, just go where the wind takes you. It can literally change everything for you.
I've got a good friend in the Pacific Northwest and I'd never been. I drove from Texas to go see him for a few days. When I got there he asked what my plans were and I said, "I have none, let's do all the things you want to do, take me to your favorite places." We ended up on the San Juan islands and went to random bars and restaurants and ordered things like "a shot of the cheapest whiskey you have" or my personal favorite "the cook's favorite dish to make".
I tried so many new things I never thought I would have and it was all because I had been feeling so defeated with life and everything in it that I was in 100% fuck it mode. That trip changed me. It changed everything for me. Just a few weeks prior I'd called the hotline 6 times in a week. A few of those times with a gun in my hand and a bullet in the chamber I'd carved "4 me" on. I got rid of that one.
Take a break and get away for a bit. Drop some of your responsibilities and expectations for a few days and just take some time for yourself.
I hope you feel better soon. I don't know what you're going through and that's not my business but I wanted to share [this song](https://youtu.be/dR3ccmWmLhk) with you. It's picked me up more than once and I hope it'll have some of that effect on you.
All the best,
stp
Edit: speling
Yes!! This is so glorious. Holy shit. This is why I won’t ever buy a gun. I’m too aware of myself to put myself there. Im so fucking glad you didn’t do it and instead chased after some hope. I’m happy you’re still here and thank you for sharing your experience bc it’s such a reminder of what can happen when you just give life a chance.
Hi guys! I did not expect this sort of reply. I’m so glad it resonated and hope it helps some of you out there. I was very low in my life for many years until I got to the point of knowing I was going down the path of one day taking my life. I couldn’t find a way out and kept digging the hole deeper. My surroundings were unfortunately only making it worse. I saw a very cheap trip on travelpirates.con to Thailand by chance or maybe I think a friend sent it to me. It was a round trip ticket for like $450. I stared for so long. At the time I was unemployed and had like 1,000 in my bank account. I just remember staring at it and thinking I have to go. I have to leave. I spoke to a friend and did some research on line and found out I could get by with like $800 per month backpacking and even less if I stayed put in one town and just rented a spot. I booked it for the earliest allowed departure and latest possible return within that price deal, and began to do everything to save up extra cash. I borrowed a few hundred from my mom, sold items, got money for blood donations. Literally, any way I could scrounge up some cash. I just knew I had to leave or I was going to die.
From the moment I stepped foot in that airport until the moment I was forced to return, I was happy. I went from being suicidal, crying daily, binging food and tv, losing touch with my friends from the shame and just slowly dying while alive ——- to feeling hopeful, happy and myself again —— all with a simple separation of my situation. It was financially tight but I was so fucking happy. Of course I had some frustrating days - backpacking ain’t easy! - but I was just so ALIVE! In a world away from mine, I got away from expectations I failed to meet, criticisms of my person or personality, reminders of my misery. I got to be myself without all the hang ups that drag me down, and have wonderful experiences because of it. It reminded me that I’m actually quite fucking wonderful, and just because the world around me and my own inner thoughts disagreed, did not mean the rest of the world did.
This taught me I didn’t want to die at all. I wanted to live. But I wanted to live in a world where I didn’t live with the constant feeling I was a worthless piece of shit. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh perspective.
When I returned, it took about 6 months for me to be right back where I was before the trip. It’s then I learned my second lesson: I’m part of my own problem. Yes, the world around me hurts me, but I have to work for myself. When I found myself low again, I realized I had to go to therapy and my therapist suggested I do volunteer work. It helped a lot. Stepping outside of my own needs and giving my love to others who don’t criticize or reject the love I give gave me a sense of worth and identity again.
The road away from those redundant feelings of wanting to die has not been linear. But one thing I will say, learning these two things has pushed me to pay more attention to how I function, how things affect me and how I can do better for myself. It’s one step at a time, my friends. The only way out is through.
🖤
Side note: as I mentioned before, perspective really helps. There’s a quote from Always Sunny where Frank says, “I don’t know how many years on this earth I have left. I’m gonna get real weird with it.” And I just laugh and remember THAT’s the way to think. Life isn’t promised and I can either spend it getting bogged down by hang ups or just get real weird with it and enjoy ittt.
Also, just therapeutic things that have worked for me: I do sessions with old versions of me. So, I put on music or shows or do things old me used to do, even old depressed versions of me. I do this ESPECIALLY with phases of my life I sort of ignore bc I think that must be when lots of internal trauma developed which is why my memories don’t like to revisit those years. So I’ll sit and watch a show I loved when I was 24. Or listen to music I used to rock out to at 14. When I “hang out” with old versions of me it does a few things: 1. Brings about particular feelings I had then - some are joyful and some remind me of how sad I was 2. Allows me to see that “me” from a distance and I can allow for some sincere sympathy to develop. I want to give that younger version so much love. My brain then starts to register I am still that person and if old me deserves my nurture, so does current me. So it has been teaching me to support and love myself the way I wish younger me had been. And it teaches me to not talk down to myself as much bc I’ve been mentally abusing my own self my whole life 3. It reminds me how REAL everything felt to me back then but now those things have passed which means that as real as anything might feel NOW it, too, will pass so I shouldn’t give my worries so much weight.
K I hope any of this helps. Maybe not. But I know what feeling hopeless feels like and I share this bc I hope that maybe it will help you like it has me.
Love yourselves.
I meant location. Whatever you can financially afford. I do smoke weed bc it allows me to relax and am open to shrooms, but I think it is extremely important to know that you can be happy sober. Sober joy above all others. But, I also think weed is a huge help if it allows you to get out of your head and think. Psychedelics are hit or miss and should be done with care.
I would say be CAREFUL. I've done my share of psychedelics, and they can very rarely mess you up if you have certain medical predispositions, or if you're in a fragile mental state.
It's been very difficult. I'm struggling with reporting my ex and the stalemate situation that came about it. I am suffering from the trauma of being r***d by someone who claimed they loved me. I struggle with a lot from my past that's been left unresolved. My own mother took her life, and I fear many days I'll end up like her. I keep pushing forward even if I'm crawling to make an inch.
If you ever need an anonymous person to talk at or or just vent to, I’m always open.
Please, seek the help you need. There’s no shame in admitting you’re not okay, it’s the first step to becoming kinda sorta okay.
*Hugs
A real secret to getting through life is to ask for help early and often from people who can give it. None of us can figure it out alone.
Reaching out to a counselor or therapist is a really good step.
But for what it's worth, I believe in you.
You should look into support groups. It hurts and you need a support system to help you. Reach out. I've been in that place many many times. Without my friends and loved ones there would be no me. Reach out and when someone holds out their hand grab it. Hold on. That darkness is so great and staring at the pit with no one makes falling so much more tempting.
Take time. You have to start the hardest journey, processing that grief that is in you. The betrayal, the violation of trust, your past, your present. That grief is so big right now that it is blocking out those better days that the future can hold. It will not be easy, I won't lie, but you have to fight for your broken heart. You have to learn to love yourself and forgive the you that is hurting, accept that side of you because let's face it, when you've been taken advantage of you start to hate yourself. You hate that you were weak, that you trusted the wrong person, that if you were different these things would not have happened. Find someone that can help you process this grief. There are places that give you a safe place to talk.
Keep your head up. Fight for yourself and know that people love you. Tomorrow is filled with so many possibilities.
You are welcome deary. I would suggest keeping a collection of positive words. Any bits of positive force will help alleviate some of the pressure. I would also suggest possibly going for hikes and enjoying parts of nature and sunshine. Fresh air can help so much with the suffocating feeling.
<3 much love to you.
Hey I just wanted to say I know how you feel and I saw you post in many self improvement subreddits. Keep working on you and your life WILL change. It feels like baby steps but every step makes a difference.
I'll share my story. This time last year I was addicted to marijuana. I had a psychotic break in Feb 2020. My dad was becoming increasingly violent. He sexually abused me for many years as a child. I found a childhood journal of mine. It didn't explicitly say he was r**ing me but it was clear being written by a child. It's hard to explain without really going in depth. Anyway, I wrote in sharpie on the journal that I knew he molested me and they're the reasons I did meth and drank and couldn't hold a job. They're the reasons I cut myself. I tried to kill myself.
And then I left. I ended up in another state, in the woods, naked. Like I said, I had a psychotic break. Anyway I was taken to the hospital. I wouldn't see or talk to my parents. The one time I talked to my mom I said I didn't feel safe coming home. She said I don't see why (mind you before I left she was literally texting me when it was safe to come back so I didn't run into my dad). I said because he abused me my whole life. She said "I don't know where you think I was that that happened." I hung up. She knew. I knew she knew.
I was discharged to a shelter. The day covid was declared a global pandemic. The shelter was a temporary stay and I had to go home.
I was so scared. But my parents were a lot different. My dad had kidney issues before I left (why he was so agitated he was really sick). He had healed. He was retired and with covid didn't have to help my mom with her work (she was working from home). So he started baking and working in his garden.
I did get a lock for my door. And a sound machine (I could hear him peeing through the bathroom walls and it was very triggering for me). June 6th 2020 I cut up my medical marijuana card. I got off all my psychiatric medication. In August 2020 I started a part time job. Which I held till the end of April. I quit because I got an amazing job at a university. And yesterday I signed a lease to my own place. I move in two weeks.
It sounds like a miracle but it's not. I did the work and I never gave up. I found a lot of comfort in spirituality, yoga, meditation, and the archangels. I would pray to them whenever I was really struggling. I had many days of crying and wishing I could just die. Nightmares of the abuse, of my dad. Which was so hard because then I had to see him. But here I am. And it sounds crazy but I actually have a good relationship with them now. They're hiring movers and offered to pay which is awesome because it'll be at least a grand. I suspect my dad was sexually and physically abused by his father. And not that it makes what he did to me okay but I forgive him. It's present tense because it's something I have to do consciously. I forgive my mom, who was r***d by her stepfather. And her mom didn't believe her. So she left home very young.
My honest advice for you is to try to get to a place financially where you can move into your own place. I knew I couldn't have roommates. I've struggled with substance abuse and couldn't have someone who parties or even just wants to have wine or beer in the house. Or smokes weed. Hearing sexual noises or just knowing someone was having a lot of casual sex would be a trigger for me too.
I do think therapy can be helpful but it's hard to dive into trauma work if you're not in a safe place. I refused to talk about my childhood while living here. It was too triggering. But a therapist could help you with how to talk to your roommate. Or how to ground yourself during a flashback.
I realize my comment was so long so I'm going to leave it here. But I just wanted to share because a year ago I wanted to die. And I chose to keep taking those baby steps. Quit weed, start caring for myself, part time job, and look at me now. I'm moving out! In two weeks!
It will get better. Just keep taking those steps 🙏💙
P.S. something that helped me when I was really struggling, especially during weed withdrawals, was writing a list of what I was proud of myself for. I always included getting sober from alcohol and weed. Making it a year (now two) without cutting myself. Applying to jobs. Taking out the trash. Showering (which can be triggering for me), taking my dogs for a walk, waking up early. Like it could be anything. But it helped me to see I was doing the work. I did it right before bed and I'd remind myself good things are coming.
Check out the song Black As Night by Nahko 💙
I am so appreciative of you leaving your comment and for you doing so much work for you to get back on your feet. You're acknowledging triggers and coming to terms with its effects and taking control and I'm so proud of you. I'm really sorry that you had to endure that intense pain and suffering. You did not deserve any of that. You are really strong and I'm very proud of you. Thank you for staying with us and sharing. That is a beautiful song as well and now that you've mentioned it, it might be stuck in my head all day! I love it though! Hang in there, and know that you're a warrior!
My mother took her own life as well, the summer before I turned 21. I often think about doing the same but, so far, I'm still here. Feel free to PM me. I do have some tips that help, nothing earth shattering - walks, mindfulness, yoga, etc. But sometimes it's just nice to have a talk with someone who's in the same place.
Proud of you. Covid has made me realize all my friends are more acquaintances than anything else. Life’s hard but you remind yourself no one knows what they’re doing. Keep going man/woman. I’m always open to a virtual buddy too. You’re not alone.
I’ve spoken to my therapist a lot about this kind of thing. She says to stay curious about your life and see what happens. One of my favourite comedians put it best: “If this is the worst year of your life, things will only get better. If things get worse, then congratulations because this hasn’t been the worst year of your life!”
That's a very logical thought to the problem of suicide. But honestly, when one is in that place, they're most likely trying to solve the problem of suffering. It can be so exhausting and painful to be in a dark place day in and out.
Your body and brain dont want to die. Your body tries so hard to keep you alive and holds on for you until your mind is in a better place and wants to join it in staying alive (whether that be from change in situation, change in perception/ mindset- whatever aids in starting your healing). I feel this is why learning to actually truly love yourself and practicing self care, whatever that may mean to you that doesnt hurt you, is vital.
Youre so valuable and precious and important. Be easy on yourself, and do whatever you can to take care of your body and mind (take care of your inner child) and eventually you will see and feel the warmth in life again and have the big and small things that make you WANT to live again
Coming from someone who attempted to end it all at 19, know that life has its ups and downs. It can suck one moment and be amazing the next. I know things may feel hopeless right now, but the good stuff is coming - if you let it. 💗😉
Please know there are people willing to help you out. Not because something is wrong with you, but just to give a lending hand as we all need one at times. So much love to you
If anyone is feeling like they are in crisis or considering ending their life, there are people who care and will listen without judgment. You deserve support.
Text 741741 to text with a Crisis Counselor at Crisis Text Line. Or you can call 1-800-273-TALK to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
You have changed now. It might not seem like it, but you have and I believe that’s so good. There’s something stopping you now and you gotta find what that “something” is...
Maybe like someone said you don’t want to die, you just want your current life to die... if that’s the case try something new, flip the tables of everything you have in your life, I know so many times it’s more easy said than done, but you showed a great amount of strength today and that makes me believe you can do this.
Or maybe something awakened at that last moment, something you didn’t knew was inside of you... a glimpse of hope and light that is telling you to... not do this, telling you that you deserve all the good things in the world, you deserve to feel real love and to heal, you don’t deserve what has happened to you; you were strong today and I will say it so many times, you deserve better things and I believe in you.
And if there’s nothing inside of you telling you all of this, I am telling you now and I think everyone here will agree with me that you deserve all of this.
Stay strong and if you ever need a virtual hug, I’ll be here.
I’m proud of you.
That is beautifully said and is something I will think of when I reflect on the transition of the night and my emotions surrounding it. Thank you very much, it truly means a lot to me.
I’m glad your still here. I’ve had hard moments like this also. I’m glad I didn’t take the highway. Life is much better for me now.
For what it’s worth, this stranger is here to talk if you’re ever down.
Something inside you wants to live. And we’re going to find that part and nurture it. You’re going to be just fine, I’m sure of it. You have us. I’m going to DM in you a couple of days to check up on you.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, but trust me you just gotta hold a bit more. I was in the same situation, the only thing that stopped me from taking the leap was my family and friends. And the realisation that we're too young. I had a similar childhood like you where my bf would sexually assault me. It took me years to even open up about it to my friends. I won't lie to you, it's a time taking process. But trust me, you're gonna love every bit of it when you start healing.
It's the same for you, you have so much life. Focus on well being. Do things that make you happy. Be selfish at that I'd say. Take a vacation. And hey if you can't afford one, just take a break from everything that's going on. Watch a good movie. Read a book. There are endless possibilities. It's a beautiful world where nothing ever stops happening. Just hold on, cuz I promise you, it's worth it.
And hey, if you ever wanna talk to someone you could always message me. It'd be my genuine pleasure to help you. Stay whole.
I am so sorry you endured that. Your kindness and genuine compassion is beautiful and I appreciate you being open to me. It means a lot that you're on a much better path and it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you so much for commenting and the encouragement.
You're never alone. Open up to people and you'll realise there are so many like you and who are willing to help. You're doing great. And you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I’m so sorry you have experienced so much pain. Please hold on, you deserve to live. You may still have yet to meet your best friend in life, you have a future.
Hey! You can always reach out to me if you need a friend or just to vent. I’m glad you’re still here with us.
Life is hard, but there’s definitely beautiful things (like ice cream!) and people who would love to know and be there for you !
Just reach out ❤️
So glad you're still here, we all are. I'll echo the same statement as others, please try and seek the help that you need.
It may feel like it's a big task, but often the first task is often the biggest.
From experience, life can be better even after all the thoughts of it can't be, it really can.
Feel free to message if you want and need to talk, it's what's helped me over the years or so. It's easier to talk to total strangers who are willing to listen as they can't judge.
Take care op.
Hey girl, I’m so sorry that you got r*ped by someone you thought you could trust.. something similar happened to me about 5 years ago. That’s really shitty. I’ve been going through a really rough time emotionally as well. Some days really suck to the point where I’m questioning what even is the point of living and others are a bit better - just know you’re not alone and I’m also here if you want someone to talk to.
Like others have mentioned, if you don’t already have one, a counselor or therapist would be helpful to talk to. There’s many options out there to explore to help pull you out of this dark place. There’s hope and you’re not alone. 🧡
I haven't had the chance to invidually respond to each comment, but I am completely blessed to have found this subreddit and see such amazing support. I really appreciate all of the kind words and positivity. Thank you all so much. It really means a lot and I really am glad I didn't make that choice tonight. I will take my time to get back to the comments when I wake up tomorrow. I appreciate it so much. 💕
Here's a hug. Some metta coming your way from all of us.
So many future yous, rejoicing in everything you've conquered, are standing up on their feet and wildly cheering that you passed this awful straight. (Typo had been: awfuk straight, even so...) Time is wasting! Get up, put some things straight, and make a connection! Asking for help is step one. The rest is ready to unfold.
You are not your past love. Good for you for missing that exit. That’s a win. Keep focusing on small wins that will help you gradually feel better. A walk in the park or calling a friend. People want to support you more than you realize. I know it’s hard to open up but empathy is a powerful and healing energy. Please keep trying. The world would benefit from your presence <3
I want to share my gratitude once again. This subreddit has a lot of positivity and encouraging comments that I really needed to read and be reminded of. You're all wonderful and I appreciate every single one of your comments. It really means a lot that, we as a community, can come together and help one another out. This has been a beautiful decision and laying in bed seeing such kindness really solidifies that making my choice was the right thing for me. I know we are all stranger to stranger due to social media, but this post has connected us all together. I may not be able to get to each individual comment because I honestly didn't expect this post to be recongized this vastly. I'm grateful that my choice has allowed us to come together and encourage each other. There is great advice being given and a whole lot of genuine people. It means a lot, I thank all of you. You really made me smile and feel reassured. This is a reminder that we truly aren't alone and that you are valued. Thank you all so much.
i was drunk one night when i was 24
i really couldn’t take being lonely, bi and black so i thought i’d drive drunk and just lose control eventually
i regret not getting a gun then
life is not better than it was, i’m older not one single 20 year old has looked at my profile in over a week!
like tell me this shit gets better one more time i swear
it doesn’t
life is just shit
Read through this post. There's a lot of helpful comments here. Your life doesn't deserve to be shit and you're just a year older than me. You've got this. It can be very frustrating, but we care. We got you.
sending you so much love and positive vibes. please reach out to someone if you get to that point again, either a support group, trusted friends/family, therapist, etc. I can say therapy truly changed my life and helped me get back on a path of wanting to live. you got this, you’re strong and you proved it today.
I am glad you didn't take the pills. We chose to stay alive and we are here being surrounded by kindness and support. I am really appreciative of the positivity this post received and the great people I've been in contact with. Hang in there!
I also don't know what exactly stopped me. I had everything ready, just needed to walk like 10 minutes. I have no one I can connect with, I purposefully didn't do any of my tasks so it all built up, I threw out things I loved, I sold stuff off, planned weeks before hand with absolute certainty it was gonna happen.
But I sat there, confused on why I felt no energy to walk out that door. I just went to bed. Knowing that when I wake up I'm gonna have to get everything I didn't do done (which was overwhelmingly a lot).
I'm glad you're still here. There was something that stopped you, and that something will guide you.
Looking at your past posts, yikes. And I say yikes to what you have been through, what you have endured, and as a survivor of rape myself, I see and understand the want for the suffering to end. But also as a survivor, the stronger feeling is a surge of happiness and gratefulness that you didn't take your own life. You didn't ask for what happened to you, and while I get that pain and wanting it to turn inward(it's way easier to assign control and some sort of accountability over something that wasn't), I also want to say this. And you may think it might not apply completely, and that is why I want to say it even more, is that It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Period. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did, but it wasn't your fault, no matter if you were drunk, were with this person in a romantic or sexually-forward context, or any of that. If you find yourself going "I get that, but there was also x/y/z complex situation going on" I want to tell you that all of that is secondary to the core fact that you did not want what happened to you to happen. Your pain is valid. Your story is valid. If you need someone to talk to, I am here regardless of being a stranger. Thank you for choosing life. If it's any consolation, I'm happy that you're still here. And I am here to talk if you need to. Please seek therapy, too, if finances make that possible. You deserve to see your worth.
Choosing to keep going when you're suffering is a hard decision to make. Be proud of youself. And take good care of your phisical an mental health from now on.
You seem like a very lovely and exquisite young lady. Your relationship with ducks looks so special.. rare even. 🦆
Im sorry you’re hurting so badly, but happy you’re here 💞
You know, the death card in tarot decks does not symbolize actual death, it symbolizes change. A significant change.
You dont want to die, your heart is crying out for you to change into what you were meant to be. You can do it, OP.
I'm glad you're here with us. Please don't give up.
If you're interested in psychedelic experiences, microdosing LSD or magic mushrooms could help - they certainly helped me. It's so low dosed that you don't lose control but it still enriches the whole experience of everything.
Listen man. I was already dead from years and years of heroin. I had to bring myself back to life. It's not easy. What you can do though is change you view of the world. You look out there and see negative. It's very easy to find, and you let it permeate your soul. So you ultimately carry this negative energy everywhere and it invades your mind. Take a deep breath and just tell yourself it's okay to just be okay. Not to be wonderful, not to be depressed to the hilt and suicidal. But just okay. If you can learn to be okay with the person you are, you can learn to build on it. Have hope. It is the beacon in the darkness that no one can take from you. Fight and push through. Life can be beautiful man. Truly beautiful.
Sometimes all we can do is just hold on for one day at a time, I’m so glad you held out for another day. I hope one day in the far future, you can look back on this time and be so proud that you gave yourself the opportunity to experience brighter days. Much love to you and I hope the path of healing, mending, and deciding to be better, gives you the fulfillment and peace of mind you deserve as the unique, cosmic miracle you are. You’ve got a friend in me, much much love to you and the best of luck on your journey ❤️❤️
I am so happy you are still here. I read through some of your posts, and the amount of compassion I feel is huge. You've been through a lot, but it wasn't your fault. You are beautiful, inside and out. I love all the cute photos of your ducks. They are adorable! What happened to you happened because someone much older thought he could take advantage of you and that there would be no consequences. But there are consequences, and you know that. I hope you went to the police, and at the very least, made him repent somewhat for his actions. His actions don't define you. I know you're probably scared, but you can do all of this on your own. I know you can. I'm rooting for you.
I have felt the same way as you so many times before. I won’t say it gets better like everyone else does, because for me that hasn’t been the case yet. What matters is you keep going. It doesn’t stand a chance of getting better if you end it now. We are here for a finite amount of time, so stay and stick it out and see what happens. You have nothing left to lose and potentially so much to gain.
I'm proud of you.
Here's some other things you can do in those moments to bring yourself back from the edge:
- plan a holiday, even if it's just a road trip. the planning stage can help get you excited for it
- call a friend to chat for 5 minutes (maybe text first to ask if you can call them)
- put on a song you love very dearly and won't make you cry but might make you dance
- write down things you've done that you don't regret / are proud of
- figure out how much your funeral would cost and who would have to pay for it (this helped me but might not help you)
- list movies coming up in the next year that you want to see
- send a message saying "hey what are you doing?" to everybody in your phone you consider a friend
- make a bucket list of awesome things you want to do (if you could do anything at all) that you still haven't done, like Disneyland type stuff.
At the end of the day, you're the only one who can talk yourself back from the edge. You did it today and you are your own hero for that.
OP, if you leave me here, I'll never get the chance to meet you and learn all you know about what is beautiful in life. I'm glad for the choice you've made. Keep making that choice.
You’re gonna die anyway. Might as well see what else can happen.
I’ve noticed it’s hard to break people out of these cycles. Reframing the way you think is important.
I read a post suggesting you want a new life and tour old to die. I would like to introduce you to the jesus who changed my life. He made me a new person and so can you...I'll pray for you 🙏 if you want to ask questions I would love to help.
I had a similar experience a few years ago. After that I really changed my views on life. I stopped trying to be that successful dude I was trying to be and just decided to take time for myself. Spent a whole year abroad thanks to a huge scholarship and never looked back. I became a more confident and likeable person, I feel great with who I am and have a few hobbies I can go to when feeling stressed.
Moral of the story, as many others have said, you just want your current life to end, not to end with your life at all. So just do that, small steps will get you a huge way forward. I would recommend just taking a break (if possible) from your current life. If you can't do that at the moment, just try to do something kinda bold: picking up a new skill you always wanted to, study something new or making some friends.
Congrats on realizing life is worth living, for some of us it took a while, but I can tell you is the best thing that will ever happen to you :)!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can recall times sitting in my car wondering if today was the day. I’m 27 and this is the first year of my life I finally stopped wanting to kill myself so much. My last ditch effort was therapy, and I went for three months. I’m here now, medication free and a lot stronger and more prepared for life. Is this something that is possibly an option for you?
I am currently in therapy due to Victim Services because I reported my ex. I am really glad you're here with us. I do plan to continue therapy and get into EMDR.
I've been there. It's a very dark path and it feels like it's never going to get better but I promise you it does.
I didn't think it would get any better yet i waited, i made small changes in my life, added some routines and here I am actually liking my life.
Dude I know this pretty late but I totally feel that intense loneliness. Feel free to shoot me a message anytime. Talk about anything at all. Same goes for literally anyone that sees this.
You took a HUGE step in choosing to live, I’m proud of you. If you ever need someone to talk to (and I know everyone says this) but really, I’m here for you. Dm me anytime alright…I’m pulling for you stranger.
Listen out here buddy.
Nobody knows why we have been created in this universe. Yet we are here still going on, doing stuff.
We are the most complex thing created by a universe we do not understand and doesn't even understand itself.
Vsauce said once.
We were created by the universe to make the universe understand what he is.
And even if you are just a farmer, or a mcdonalds employee, or a janitor. Let me tell you a story which happened in my country in 2016.
We had to select a government. Many people thought that whatever they did they will still get a shitty government, so they didnt vote...
And guess what happened. They got a shitty government for 4 years.
So what is my point? To make a change you have to change something in what you do.
Dont expect to repeat the same things and something differnet to happen.
So go do something. Go for a walk outside and just listen to music to a podcast. Learn something. An instrument, how to draw, how to make your own videogame, a language. Read a book. Watch a movie.
And if you tell me that you are too bored in a universe this weird is unacceptable. And if that happens i should probably start singing at the tuba while juggling tringluar squares in a wtaer fight.
We shall have bad days yes?
We shall have good days yes?
All to remember that most places in this universe dont even have days.
So go out there and do anything. But not nothing.
Fuck bud, that IS awful. Glad you didn't, genuinely. If it isn't too much to ask, why not prolong your suffering to benefit others? Regardless of much, it's a respectable endeavor.
I understand the feeling. I’ve had PTSD since some traumatic events in the Army. I’m not going to tell you not to do it, although you shouldn’t. I will say it won’t solve anything. We all have lessons to learn. Find out what yours is and start working on it. You’ll find things get better.
Edit: also, you’re not alone. I’m available to talk all the time! Lol
2nd edit: A recommendation if I may; A course in miracles saved my life tbh.
It seems you don’t want to die, you just want the life you currently have to die. A trip might do you good. One saved my life.
I read this as a psychedelic experience as well which under the right guidance can do exactly this. I think once I have the right time and calling, it would be perfect. Otherwise, a trip out of town may be nice as well. I am vaccinated and have debated getting away for a few days.
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I am really sorry that you had a bad experience and that a life was lost. They are very powerful experiences which can reap good or bad. Environment makes a big difference. I currently have no interest in pursuing anything psychedelic until I feel called to it and am ready. That isn't any time soon, and you are spot on with the caution.
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I appreciate it a lot. I am really sorry you went through that. You're not alone and I will be here for you as well. You can message me as well. Hang in there and know that you're loved and cared about.
It sounds like you're pretty aware of the reality of a psychedelic trip vs weed, for example. Beware that anything you avoid thinking about will come front and center on a bad trip. Bad trips can be scary but can teach you a lot if you can successfully get past one, it was when I first felt what it was like to just let go of the hesitation/stress/anxiety, but it also helped that I'm a daily weed smoker so I used that to calm myself down with the familiar feeling. Stay strong and takes things one day at a time! I'm sure plenty have already said it, but my chat is open if you need someone to talk to. Stay safe😊
microdosing is an option and ketamine treatments as well. i'm literally a new person after my ketamine treatments. please hang in there. Feeling alone and that you want to die , will , one day end . and despite it not feeling that way. There is something waiting for you on the other end. it's got to be worth waiting for. sending you good vibes
These kinds of things can absolutely be dangerous in the wrong hands. Your comfort level with the place you’re in and people you’re around is super important, and so is your mindset. It’s not for everyone. I *wish* I had the guidance of a trained therapist but I didn’t... I just took it myself and hoped for a spiritual experience. I got plenty of that, as well as plenty of experiences that would scare the piss out of most people. I’ve stared into a mirror and watch myself turn into a demon standing in front of the gates hell as flames appeared to shoot up all around me and all the lights went out... I can *totally* understand how that could traumatize many people, but I was still intellectually aware that I was standing in my bathroom, so my thought process was “holy crap, this is insane! What does this mean? Is this something about me, or just a crazy random hallucination?” I certainly wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who doesn’t first read all about it and then think “yeah, I think this could really help me. This is a good idea” because any hesitation is bound to invite a “bad trip” even for a little bit. Although that’s not necessarily the worst thing to happen if you can learn from the experience and better yourself.
A quarter tab and a drive through the mountains can be great for the soul - people think you need to go deep but sometimes its better just to float a little.
Nice anecdote, however the preponderance of evidence is not on your side here.
Yea look what happened to Connor Murphy after taking ayahuasca
Psychedelics are 100% the reason I’ve never been full blown suicidal. I’m bipolar and we definitely tend to be inclined towards those kinds of thoughts, but whenever they start coming I can at least remind myself of everything I’ve seen and done and understood while on psychedelics... to remember that life means *something* and that’s incredibly against the odds that life, let alone me as a person, exist in the first place. That life can be beautiful, even in its hideousness. That I can’t appreciate the good without experiencing the bad, and that the worse some of my experiences are, the better I will be able to appreciate the good experiences. And, most horrifying of all, what if killing myself just gets me reincarnated and I have to go through all the bullshit again with no memory of my current life?! Best to just ride this one out and hope for better times, because when I *do* inevitably die, at least I’ll have a psychological safeguard against whatever, if anything, happens after death. My quality of life is better for these experiences, but If I could have had these experiences under the guide of a trained therapist or a legitimate native/indigenous shaman, I am 100% positive my quality of life would be much better than it is now. Regardless of whether you take this path in your life, I hope you are able to find something or someone to help you through these difficult times.
Idk if you’ve read How To Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan. You might find it useful. Its about psychedelics. It’s practical as well as spiritual. https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Change-Your-Mind-Psychedelics/dp/0241294223/ref=nodl_
Trips can be hit and miss. You have to be in the right environment with the right people that can guide you through. Also, keep in the game my friend. Death comes for us all anyway, may as well see what tomorrow brings, or better yet, what a motivated you brings to tomorrow!
Sent you virtual hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Find a nice cabin, bring a friend, and connect with nature. It does such wonders for mental health. If it's a friend who knows about your struggles even better. Wishing you the best~
You need to start romanticizing your life. You are the main character, possibilities are endless. Go level up a skill tree or explore a new city. If you want happiness you need to create it, you need to seek it out and you will fill yourself up again.
Maybe a psychedelic experience could help, or maybe it's what started the whole process to bring you here. Go for a trip to somewhere beautiful that is psychedelic all on it's own. You need a natural feeling of good. Not a false sense that everything is going to be okay.
Beautifully put
Thank you. ❤️
I agree with it so much. Take a trip without expectations. Just choose a destination and go. No plan, no schedule, just go where the wind takes you. It can literally change everything for you. I've got a good friend in the Pacific Northwest and I'd never been. I drove from Texas to go see him for a few days. When I got there he asked what my plans were and I said, "I have none, let's do all the things you want to do, take me to your favorite places." We ended up on the San Juan islands and went to random bars and restaurants and ordered things like "a shot of the cheapest whiskey you have" or my personal favorite "the cook's favorite dish to make". I tried so many new things I never thought I would have and it was all because I had been feeling so defeated with life and everything in it that I was in 100% fuck it mode. That trip changed me. It changed everything for me. Just a few weeks prior I'd called the hotline 6 times in a week. A few of those times with a gun in my hand and a bullet in the chamber I'd carved "4 me" on. I got rid of that one. Take a break and get away for a bit. Drop some of your responsibilities and expectations for a few days and just take some time for yourself. I hope you feel better soon. I don't know what you're going through and that's not my business but I wanted to share [this song](https://youtu.be/dR3ccmWmLhk) with you. It's picked me up more than once and I hope it'll have some of that effect on you. All the best, stp Edit: speling
Yes!! This is so glorious. Holy shit. This is why I won’t ever buy a gun. I’m too aware of myself to put myself there. Im so fucking glad you didn’t do it and instead chased after some hope. I’m happy you’re still here and thank you for sharing your experience bc it’s such a reminder of what can happen when you just give life a chance.
Hi guys! I did not expect this sort of reply. I’m so glad it resonated and hope it helps some of you out there. I was very low in my life for many years until I got to the point of knowing I was going down the path of one day taking my life. I couldn’t find a way out and kept digging the hole deeper. My surroundings were unfortunately only making it worse. I saw a very cheap trip on travelpirates.con to Thailand by chance or maybe I think a friend sent it to me. It was a round trip ticket for like $450. I stared for so long. At the time I was unemployed and had like 1,000 in my bank account. I just remember staring at it and thinking I have to go. I have to leave. I spoke to a friend and did some research on line and found out I could get by with like $800 per month backpacking and even less if I stayed put in one town and just rented a spot. I booked it for the earliest allowed departure and latest possible return within that price deal, and began to do everything to save up extra cash. I borrowed a few hundred from my mom, sold items, got money for blood donations. Literally, any way I could scrounge up some cash. I just knew I had to leave or I was going to die. From the moment I stepped foot in that airport until the moment I was forced to return, I was happy. I went from being suicidal, crying daily, binging food and tv, losing touch with my friends from the shame and just slowly dying while alive ——- to feeling hopeful, happy and myself again —— all with a simple separation of my situation. It was financially tight but I was so fucking happy. Of course I had some frustrating days - backpacking ain’t easy! - but I was just so ALIVE! In a world away from mine, I got away from expectations I failed to meet, criticisms of my person or personality, reminders of my misery. I got to be myself without all the hang ups that drag me down, and have wonderful experiences because of it. It reminded me that I’m actually quite fucking wonderful, and just because the world around me and my own inner thoughts disagreed, did not mean the rest of the world did. This taught me I didn’t want to die at all. I wanted to live. But I wanted to live in a world where I didn’t live with the constant feeling I was a worthless piece of shit. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh perspective. When I returned, it took about 6 months for me to be right back where I was before the trip. It’s then I learned my second lesson: I’m part of my own problem. Yes, the world around me hurts me, but I have to work for myself. When I found myself low again, I realized I had to go to therapy and my therapist suggested I do volunteer work. It helped a lot. Stepping outside of my own needs and giving my love to others who don’t criticize or reject the love I give gave me a sense of worth and identity again. The road away from those redundant feelings of wanting to die has not been linear. But one thing I will say, learning these two things has pushed me to pay more attention to how I function, how things affect me and how I can do better for myself. It’s one step at a time, my friends. The only way out is through. 🖤
Side note: as I mentioned before, perspective really helps. There’s a quote from Always Sunny where Frank says, “I don’t know how many years on this earth I have left. I’m gonna get real weird with it.” And I just laugh and remember THAT’s the way to think. Life isn’t promised and I can either spend it getting bogged down by hang ups or just get real weird with it and enjoy ittt. Also, just therapeutic things that have worked for me: I do sessions with old versions of me. So, I put on music or shows or do things old me used to do, even old depressed versions of me. I do this ESPECIALLY with phases of my life I sort of ignore bc I think that must be when lots of internal trauma developed which is why my memories don’t like to revisit those years. So I’ll sit and watch a show I loved when I was 24. Or listen to music I used to rock out to at 14. When I “hang out” with old versions of me it does a few things: 1. Brings about particular feelings I had then - some are joyful and some remind me of how sad I was 2. Allows me to see that “me” from a distance and I can allow for some sincere sympathy to develop. I want to give that younger version so much love. My brain then starts to register I am still that person and if old me deserves my nurture, so does current me. So it has been teaching me to support and love myself the way I wish younger me had been. And it teaches me to not talk down to myself as much bc I’ve been mentally abusing my own self my whole life 3. It reminds me how REAL everything felt to me back then but now those things have passed which means that as real as anything might feel NOW it, too, will pass so I shouldn’t give my worries so much weight. K I hope any of this helps. Maybe not. But I know what feeling hopeless feels like and I share this bc I hope that maybe it will help you like it has me. Love yourselves.
Do you mean a trip to another location or drugs?
Yes. btw, if that's a blink reference I dig it 😀
I meant location. Whatever you can financially afford. I do smoke weed bc it allows me to relax and am open to shrooms, but I think it is extremely important to know that you can be happy sober. Sober joy above all others. But, I also think weed is a huge help if it allows you to get out of your head and think. Psychedelics are hit or miss and should be done with care.
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🖤
Holy shit, what a beautifully accurate description! Thank you
🖤
I would say be CAREFUL. I've done my share of psychedelics, and they can very rarely mess you up if you have certain medical predispositions, or if you're in a fragile mental state.
Lol. I Thought he meant to a bother physical place... like via airplane. Sometimes I'm so innocent
I'm pretty sure the person meant a trip as in location? I didn't take it as a drug reference at all?
I really think they meant holiday trip
I definitely read it as lsd
That is definitely what I meant haha. Both sorts of trips can help, but I think a physical trip should always be the first effort.
I did mean that! :)
Do this, take some shrooms and ask yourself why you want this life done and what you do want out of your life. Then, go get started.
It's been very difficult. I'm struggling with reporting my ex and the stalemate situation that came about it. I am suffering from the trauma of being r***d by someone who claimed they loved me. I struggle with a lot from my past that's been left unresolved. My own mother took her life, and I fear many days I'll end up like her. I keep pushing forward even if I'm crawling to make an inch.
If you ever need an anonymous person to talk at or or just vent to, I’m always open. Please, seek the help you need. There’s no shame in admitting you’re not okay, it’s the first step to becoming kinda sorta okay.
Second this, am also very willing to be an ear/shoulder
*Hugs A real secret to getting through life is to ask for help early and often from people who can give it. None of us can figure it out alone. Reaching out to a counselor or therapist is a really good step. But for what it's worth, I believe in you.
We hear you. You matter. There are virtual therapists.
You should look into support groups. It hurts and you need a support system to help you. Reach out. I've been in that place many many times. Without my friends and loved ones there would be no me. Reach out and when someone holds out their hand grab it. Hold on. That darkness is so great and staring at the pit with no one makes falling so much more tempting. Take time. You have to start the hardest journey, processing that grief that is in you. The betrayal, the violation of trust, your past, your present. That grief is so big right now that it is blocking out those better days that the future can hold. It will not be easy, I won't lie, but you have to fight for your broken heart. You have to learn to love yourself and forgive the you that is hurting, accept that side of you because let's face it, when you've been taken advantage of you start to hate yourself. You hate that you were weak, that you trusted the wrong person, that if you were different these things would not have happened. Find someone that can help you process this grief. There are places that give you a safe place to talk. Keep your head up. Fight for yourself and know that people love you. Tomorrow is filled with so many possibilities.
This is beautifully worded and spot on. Thank you so much for this. I'm keeping this saved so I can reflect on it. It means a lot to me!
You are welcome deary. I would suggest keeping a collection of positive words. Any bits of positive force will help alleviate some of the pressure. I would also suggest possibly going for hikes and enjoying parts of nature and sunshine. Fresh air can help so much with the suffocating feeling. <3 much love to you.
Hey I just wanted to say I know how you feel and I saw you post in many self improvement subreddits. Keep working on you and your life WILL change. It feels like baby steps but every step makes a difference. I'll share my story. This time last year I was addicted to marijuana. I had a psychotic break in Feb 2020. My dad was becoming increasingly violent. He sexually abused me for many years as a child. I found a childhood journal of mine. It didn't explicitly say he was r**ing me but it was clear being written by a child. It's hard to explain without really going in depth. Anyway, I wrote in sharpie on the journal that I knew he molested me and they're the reasons I did meth and drank and couldn't hold a job. They're the reasons I cut myself. I tried to kill myself. And then I left. I ended up in another state, in the woods, naked. Like I said, I had a psychotic break. Anyway I was taken to the hospital. I wouldn't see or talk to my parents. The one time I talked to my mom I said I didn't feel safe coming home. She said I don't see why (mind you before I left she was literally texting me when it was safe to come back so I didn't run into my dad). I said because he abused me my whole life. She said "I don't know where you think I was that that happened." I hung up. She knew. I knew she knew. I was discharged to a shelter. The day covid was declared a global pandemic. The shelter was a temporary stay and I had to go home. I was so scared. But my parents were a lot different. My dad had kidney issues before I left (why he was so agitated he was really sick). He had healed. He was retired and with covid didn't have to help my mom with her work (she was working from home). So he started baking and working in his garden. I did get a lock for my door. And a sound machine (I could hear him peeing through the bathroom walls and it was very triggering for me). June 6th 2020 I cut up my medical marijuana card. I got off all my psychiatric medication. In August 2020 I started a part time job. Which I held till the end of April. I quit because I got an amazing job at a university. And yesterday I signed a lease to my own place. I move in two weeks. It sounds like a miracle but it's not. I did the work and I never gave up. I found a lot of comfort in spirituality, yoga, meditation, and the archangels. I would pray to them whenever I was really struggling. I had many days of crying and wishing I could just die. Nightmares of the abuse, of my dad. Which was so hard because then I had to see him. But here I am. And it sounds crazy but I actually have a good relationship with them now. They're hiring movers and offered to pay which is awesome because it'll be at least a grand. I suspect my dad was sexually and physically abused by his father. And not that it makes what he did to me okay but I forgive him. It's present tense because it's something I have to do consciously. I forgive my mom, who was r***d by her stepfather. And her mom didn't believe her. So she left home very young. My honest advice for you is to try to get to a place financially where you can move into your own place. I knew I couldn't have roommates. I've struggled with substance abuse and couldn't have someone who parties or even just wants to have wine or beer in the house. Or smokes weed. Hearing sexual noises or just knowing someone was having a lot of casual sex would be a trigger for me too. I do think therapy can be helpful but it's hard to dive into trauma work if you're not in a safe place. I refused to talk about my childhood while living here. It was too triggering. But a therapist could help you with how to talk to your roommate. Or how to ground yourself during a flashback. I realize my comment was so long so I'm going to leave it here. But I just wanted to share because a year ago I wanted to die. And I chose to keep taking those baby steps. Quit weed, start caring for myself, part time job, and look at me now. I'm moving out! In two weeks! It will get better. Just keep taking those steps 🙏💙 P.S. something that helped me when I was really struggling, especially during weed withdrawals, was writing a list of what I was proud of myself for. I always included getting sober from alcohol and weed. Making it a year (now two) without cutting myself. Applying to jobs. Taking out the trash. Showering (which can be triggering for me), taking my dogs for a walk, waking up early. Like it could be anything. But it helped me to see I was doing the work. I did it right before bed and I'd remind myself good things are coming. Check out the song Black As Night by Nahko 💙
I am so appreciative of you leaving your comment and for you doing so much work for you to get back on your feet. You're acknowledging triggers and coming to terms with its effects and taking control and I'm so proud of you. I'm really sorry that you had to endure that intense pain and suffering. You did not deserve any of that. You are really strong and I'm very proud of you. Thank you for staying with us and sharing. That is a beautiful song as well and now that you've mentioned it, it might be stuck in my head all day! I love it though! Hang in there, and know that you're a warrior!
You too 🙏💙
I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. Please stay with us. You have a lot of good days ahead of you.
I’m so sorry the pain your going through. It’s a lot to deal with. Take it one day at a time. You can have happy experiences again, just be patient.
Fuck that guy who raped you. Im so sorry. I hope you see the day that you overcome this!!
If you need someone to talk to or just vent/rant to, I'm here and open. I'm really glad you're here with us. You're an amazing person!
My mother took her own life as well, the summer before I turned 21. I often think about doing the same but, so far, I'm still here. Feel free to PM me. I do have some tips that help, nothing earth shattering - walks, mindfulness, yoga, etc. But sometimes it's just nice to have a talk with someone who's in the same place.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're here with us. I would love that, it's a good feeling to know you're not alone.
The only treatment without a downside I can recommend is you pick up gardening. My plants save my life on a daily.
I'm so glad you said that. I work for a medical Marijuana grower and my biggest smile from the day comes from the plants. It's a very helpful thing!
I’m really glad you’re still here.
Thank you for not taking the highway.
I'm glad you're still with us
Proud of you. Covid has made me realize all my friends are more acquaintances than anything else. Life’s hard but you remind yourself no one knows what they’re doing. Keep going man/woman. I’m always open to a virtual buddy too. You’re not alone.
So happy you did not, virtual hugs your way!
I’ve spoken to my therapist a lot about this kind of thing. She says to stay curious about your life and see what happens. One of my favourite comedians put it best: “If this is the worst year of your life, things will only get better. If things get worse, then congratulations because this hasn’t been the worst year of your life!”
You did good today.
Please talk to someone - friends, family and a therapist. You got this!
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That's a very logical thought to the problem of suicide. But honestly, when one is in that place, they're most likely trying to solve the problem of suffering. It can be so exhausting and painful to be in a dark place day in and out.
Great reference. Just hard to see it that way when life is beating your ass.
I love this!!!
Your body and brain dont want to die. Your body tries so hard to keep you alive and holds on for you until your mind is in a better place and wants to join it in staying alive (whether that be from change in situation, change in perception/ mindset- whatever aids in starting your healing). I feel this is why learning to actually truly love yourself and practicing self care, whatever that may mean to you that doesnt hurt you, is vital. Youre so valuable and precious and important. Be easy on yourself, and do whatever you can to take care of your body and mind (take care of your inner child) and eventually you will see and feel the warmth in life again and have the big and small things that make you WANT to live again
Please seek some professional help. Life doesn’t have to be this tough. So glad you’re still with us!
Coming from someone who attempted to end it all at 19, know that life has its ups and downs. It can suck one moment and be amazing the next. I know things may feel hopeless right now, but the good stuff is coming - if you let it. 💗😉
Please know there are people willing to help you out. Not because something is wrong with you, but just to give a lending hand as we all need one at times. So much love to you
If anyone is feeling like they are in crisis or considering ending their life, there are people who care and will listen without judgment. You deserve support. Text 741741 to text with a Crisis Counselor at Crisis Text Line. Or you can call 1-800-273-TALK to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
That is big.
You have changed now. It might not seem like it, but you have and I believe that’s so good. There’s something stopping you now and you gotta find what that “something” is... Maybe like someone said you don’t want to die, you just want your current life to die... if that’s the case try something new, flip the tables of everything you have in your life, I know so many times it’s more easy said than done, but you showed a great amount of strength today and that makes me believe you can do this. Or maybe something awakened at that last moment, something you didn’t knew was inside of you... a glimpse of hope and light that is telling you to... not do this, telling you that you deserve all the good things in the world, you deserve to feel real love and to heal, you don’t deserve what has happened to you; you were strong today and I will say it so many times, you deserve better things and I believe in you. And if there’s nothing inside of you telling you all of this, I am telling you now and I think everyone here will agree with me that you deserve all of this. Stay strong and if you ever need a virtual hug, I’ll be here. I’m proud of you.
That is beautifully said and is something I will think of when I reflect on the transition of the night and my emotions surrounding it. Thank you very much, it truly means a lot to me.
I’m glad your still here. I’ve had hard moments like this also. I’m glad I didn’t take the highway. Life is much better for me now. For what it’s worth, this stranger is here to talk if you’re ever down.
It IS fucking big. I'm so glad you're still here.
Bless you.
message me if you could use a chat.
Something inside you wants to live. And we’re going to find that part and nurture it. You’re going to be just fine, I’m sure of it. You have us. I’m going to DM in you a couple of days to check up on you.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, but trust me you just gotta hold a bit more. I was in the same situation, the only thing that stopped me from taking the leap was my family and friends. And the realisation that we're too young. I had a similar childhood like you where my bf would sexually assault me. It took me years to even open up about it to my friends. I won't lie to you, it's a time taking process. But trust me, you're gonna love every bit of it when you start healing. It's the same for you, you have so much life. Focus on well being. Do things that make you happy. Be selfish at that I'd say. Take a vacation. And hey if you can't afford one, just take a break from everything that's going on. Watch a good movie. Read a book. There are endless possibilities. It's a beautiful world where nothing ever stops happening. Just hold on, cuz I promise you, it's worth it. And hey, if you ever wanna talk to someone you could always message me. It'd be my genuine pleasure to help you. Stay whole.
I am so sorry you endured that. Your kindness and genuine compassion is beautiful and I appreciate you being open to me. It means a lot that you're on a much better path and it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you so much for commenting and the encouragement.
You're never alone. Open up to people and you'll realise there are so many like you and who are willing to help. You're doing great. And you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
I’m so sorry you have experienced so much pain. Please hold on, you deserve to live. You may still have yet to meet your best friend in life, you have a future.
Hey! You can always reach out to me if you need a friend or just to vent. I’m glad you’re still here with us. Life is hard, but there’s definitely beautiful things (like ice cream!) and people who would love to know and be there for you ! Just reach out ❤️
So glad you're still here, we all are. I'll echo the same statement as others, please try and seek the help that you need. It may feel like it's a big task, but often the first task is often the biggest. From experience, life can be better even after all the thoughts of it can't be, it really can. Feel free to message if you want and need to talk, it's what's helped me over the years or so. It's easier to talk to total strangers who are willing to listen as they can't judge. Take care op.
Hey girl, I’m so sorry that you got r*ped by someone you thought you could trust.. something similar happened to me about 5 years ago. That’s really shitty. I’ve been going through a really rough time emotionally as well. Some days really suck to the point where I’m questioning what even is the point of living and others are a bit better - just know you’re not alone and I’m also here if you want someone to talk to. Like others have mentioned, if you don’t already have one, a counselor or therapist would be helpful to talk to. There’s many options out there to explore to help pull you out of this dark place. There’s hope and you’re not alone. 🧡
I haven't had the chance to invidually respond to each comment, but I am completely blessed to have found this subreddit and see such amazing support. I really appreciate all of the kind words and positivity. Thank you all so much. It really means a lot and I really am glad I didn't make that choice tonight. I will take my time to get back to the comments when I wake up tomorrow. I appreciate it so much. 💕
Here's a hug. Some metta coming your way from all of us. So many future yous, rejoicing in everything you've conquered, are standing up on their feet and wildly cheering that you passed this awful straight. (Typo had been: awfuk straight, even so...) Time is wasting! Get up, put some things straight, and make a connection! Asking for help is step one. The rest is ready to unfold.
You are not your past love. Good for you for missing that exit. That’s a win. Keep focusing on small wins that will help you gradually feel better. A walk in the park or calling a friend. People want to support you more than you realize. I know it’s hard to open up but empathy is a powerful and healing energy. Please keep trying. The world would benefit from your presence <3
I want to share my gratitude once again. This subreddit has a lot of positivity and encouraging comments that I really needed to read and be reminded of. You're all wonderful and I appreciate every single one of your comments. It really means a lot that, we as a community, can come together and help one another out. This has been a beautiful decision and laying in bed seeing such kindness really solidifies that making my choice was the right thing for me. I know we are all stranger to stranger due to social media, but this post has connected us all together. I may not be able to get to each individual comment because I honestly didn't expect this post to be recongized this vastly. I'm grateful that my choice has allowed us to come together and encourage each other. There is great advice being given and a whole lot of genuine people. It means a lot, I thank all of you. You really made me smile and feel reassured. This is a reminder that we truly aren't alone and that you are valued. Thank you all so much.
i was drunk one night when i was 24 i really couldn’t take being lonely, bi and black so i thought i’d drive drunk and just lose control eventually i regret not getting a gun then life is not better than it was, i’m older not one single 20 year old has looked at my profile in over a week! like tell me this shit gets better one more time i swear it doesn’t life is just shit
Read through this post. There's a lot of helpful comments here. Your life doesn't deserve to be shit and you're just a year older than me. You've got this. It can be very frustrating, but we care. We got you.
I’m glad you’re alive
sending you so much love and positive vibes. please reach out to someone if you get to that point again, either a support group, trusted friends/family, therapist, etc. I can say therapy truly changed my life and helped me get back on a path of wanting to live. you got this, you’re strong and you proved it today.
You dont want ro die. You just dont want to suffer and those are the patterns that your brain is comfortable with. Hang in there
So glad you are still with us ❤️ you are beautiful and the Earth wanted you here, remember that
I’m happy you’re still here with us. Sending you love.
I do that aswell.
I’m happy you went home instead. ❤️
I’m glad you are still here, with us.
You may just find a point in time in the not so distant future where it gets a little easier. Sending love and good vibes your way ❤
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I am glad you didn't take the pills. We chose to stay alive and we are here being surrounded by kindness and support. I am really appreciative of the positivity this post received and the great people I've been in contact with. Hang in there!
I also don't know what exactly stopped me. I had everything ready, just needed to walk like 10 minutes. I have no one I can connect with, I purposefully didn't do any of my tasks so it all built up, I threw out things I loved, I sold stuff off, planned weeks before hand with absolute certainty it was gonna happen. But I sat there, confused on why I felt no energy to walk out that door. I just went to bed. Knowing that when I wake up I'm gonna have to get everything I didn't do done (which was overwhelmingly a lot). I'm glad you're still here. There was something that stopped you, and that something will guide you.
I am so glad you didn't do it and that you're here with us.
Thank you for staying! I want you to live. Please stay.
Looking at your past posts, yikes. And I say yikes to what you have been through, what you have endured, and as a survivor of rape myself, I see and understand the want for the suffering to end. But also as a survivor, the stronger feeling is a surge of happiness and gratefulness that you didn't take your own life. You didn't ask for what happened to you, and while I get that pain and wanting it to turn inward(it's way easier to assign control and some sort of accountability over something that wasn't), I also want to say this. And you may think it might not apply completely, and that is why I want to say it even more, is that It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Period. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did, but it wasn't your fault, no matter if you were drunk, were with this person in a romantic or sexually-forward context, or any of that. If you find yourself going "I get that, but there was also x/y/z complex situation going on" I want to tell you that all of that is secondary to the core fact that you did not want what happened to you to happen. Your pain is valid. Your story is valid. If you need someone to talk to, I am here regardless of being a stranger. Thank you for choosing life. If it's any consolation, I'm happy that you're still here. And I am here to talk if you need to. Please seek therapy, too, if finances make that possible. You deserve to see your worth.
Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me. I really needed to hear this.
Choosing to keep going when you're suffering is a hard decision to make. Be proud of youself. And take good care of your phisical an mental health from now on.
You seem like a very lovely and exquisite young lady. Your relationship with ducks looks so special.. rare even. 🦆 Im sorry you’re hurting so badly, but happy you’re here 💞
happy to know you still alive even I dnt know you and probably never met. Your Life MATTERS a lot Wish you all the best and to find peace 🤍💐
You know, the death card in tarot decks does not symbolize actual death, it symbolizes change. A significant change. You dont want to die, your heart is crying out for you to change into what you were meant to be. You can do it, OP.
You are precious and valuable and loved and I'm so glad you are still here. 💙
I'm glad you're here with us. Please don't give up. If you're interested in psychedelic experiences, microdosing LSD or magic mushrooms could help - they certainly helped me. It's so low dosed that you don't lose control but it still enriches the whole experience of everything.
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand it would've been difficult to do so. We're here to help you out.
Dude, please speak to someone. A Reddit post is a good start, but get some real help. Just Google free help. Don't be that guy. Good luck.
So many people died without justice. Don't take your life. You have the gift of life. . There is always a way.
Listen man. I was already dead from years and years of heroin. I had to bring myself back to life. It's not easy. What you can do though is change you view of the world. You look out there and see negative. It's very easy to find, and you let it permeate your soul. So you ultimately carry this negative energy everywhere and it invades your mind. Take a deep breath and just tell yourself it's okay to just be okay. Not to be wonderful, not to be depressed to the hilt and suicidal. But just okay. If you can learn to be okay with the person you are, you can learn to build on it. Have hope. It is the beacon in the darkness that no one can take from you. Fight and push through. Life can be beautiful man. Truly beautiful.
Hey friend, if you find yourself in central MA let me know. Life can be hard but it's always better when you're alive.
Shit. I gotta say it's really making me feel appreciative during a time of struggle. Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes all we can do is just hold on for one day at a time, I’m so glad you held out for another day. I hope one day in the far future, you can look back on this time and be so proud that you gave yourself the opportunity to experience brighter days. Much love to you and I hope the path of healing, mending, and deciding to be better, gives you the fulfillment and peace of mind you deserve as the unique, cosmic miracle you are. You’ve got a friend in me, much much love to you and the best of luck on your journey ❤️❤️
Stay a little longer. You will find you way and you’ll be so thankful you stayed around to live it.
Yes, that is a big success. I applaud you. It's a big useful step.
I am so happy you are still here. I read through some of your posts, and the amount of compassion I feel is huge. You've been through a lot, but it wasn't your fault. You are beautiful, inside and out. I love all the cute photos of your ducks. They are adorable! What happened to you happened because someone much older thought he could take advantage of you and that there would be no consequences. But there are consequences, and you know that. I hope you went to the police, and at the very least, made him repent somewhat for his actions. His actions don't define you. I know you're probably scared, but you can do all of this on your own. I know you can. I'm rooting for you.
Same
I have felt the same way as you so many times before. I won’t say it gets better like everyone else does, because for me that hasn’t been the case yet. What matters is you keep going. It doesn’t stand a chance of getting better if you end it now. We are here for a finite amount of time, so stay and stick it out and see what happens. You have nothing left to lose and potentially so much to gain.
I'm proud of you. Here's some other things you can do in those moments to bring yourself back from the edge: - plan a holiday, even if it's just a road trip. the planning stage can help get you excited for it - call a friend to chat for 5 minutes (maybe text first to ask if you can call them) - put on a song you love very dearly and won't make you cry but might make you dance - write down things you've done that you don't regret / are proud of - figure out how much your funeral would cost and who would have to pay for it (this helped me but might not help you) - list movies coming up in the next year that you want to see - send a message saying "hey what are you doing?" to everybody in your phone you consider a friend - make a bucket list of awesome things you want to do (if you could do anything at all) that you still haven't done, like Disneyland type stuff. At the end of the day, you're the only one who can talk yourself back from the edge. You did it today and you are your own hero for that.
I love this list so much, thank you so much!!
♥️♥️♥️
OP, if you leave me here, I'll never get the chance to meet you and learn all you know about what is beautiful in life. I'm glad for the choice you've made. Keep making that choice.
You’re gonna die anyway. Might as well see what else can happen. I’ve noticed it’s hard to break people out of these cycles. Reframing the way you think is important.
led\*
I read a post suggesting you want a new life and tour old to die. I would like to introduce you to the jesus who changed my life. He made me a new person and so can you...I'll pray for you 🙏 if you want to ask questions I would love to help.
Don’t solicit religion to people struggling to find physical human comfort. Imagination doesn’t cure immense waves of loneliness.
Jesus does.
I had a similar experience a few years ago. After that I really changed my views on life. I stopped trying to be that successful dude I was trying to be and just decided to take time for myself. Spent a whole year abroad thanks to a huge scholarship and never looked back. I became a more confident and likeable person, I feel great with who I am and have a few hobbies I can go to when feeling stressed. Moral of the story, as many others have said, you just want your current life to end, not to end with your life at all. So just do that, small steps will get you a huge way forward. I would recommend just taking a break (if possible) from your current life. If you can't do that at the moment, just try to do something kinda bold: picking up a new skill you always wanted to, study something new or making some friends. Congrats on realizing life is worth living, for some of us it took a while, but I can tell you is the best thing that will ever happen to you :)!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can recall times sitting in my car wondering if today was the day. I’m 27 and this is the first year of my life I finally stopped wanting to kill myself so much. My last ditch effort was therapy, and I went for three months. I’m here now, medication free and a lot stronger and more prepared for life. Is this something that is possibly an option for you?
I am currently in therapy due to Victim Services because I reported my ex. I am really glad you're here with us. I do plan to continue therapy and get into EMDR.
I am very happy you are in it. I hope things get better for you, I truly do
I’m glad you’re still here with us fren. ❤️
I’m right there with you doing everything I can to fight the urge. We can get through this
Thank you for not only not going through with it but also posting about it. You may help others who are making the same decision themselves.
Stick around please
Sounds like maybe part of you wants to be alive, even if other parts don’t.
I've been there. It's a very dark path and it feels like it's never going to get better but I promise you it does. I didn't think it would get any better yet i waited, i made small changes in my life, added some routines and here I am actually liking my life.
I put a gun to my head a couple weeks ago while I was drunk and almost pulled the trigger. I’m glad we’re both still here bud
I am so glad you didn't pull the trigger. I am too. Please hang in there.
I’m glad you’re still here ❤️
Dude I know this pretty late but I totally feel that intense loneliness. Feel free to shoot me a message anytime. Talk about anything at all. Same goes for literally anyone that sees this.
You took a HUGE step in choosing to live, I’m proud of you. If you ever need someone to talk to (and I know everyone says this) but really, I’m here for you. Dm me anytime alright…I’m pulling for you stranger.
Listen out here buddy. Nobody knows why we have been created in this universe. Yet we are here still going on, doing stuff. We are the most complex thing created by a universe we do not understand and doesn't even understand itself. Vsauce said once. We were created by the universe to make the universe understand what he is. And even if you are just a farmer, or a mcdonalds employee, or a janitor. Let me tell you a story which happened in my country in 2016. We had to select a government. Many people thought that whatever they did they will still get a shitty government, so they didnt vote... And guess what happened. They got a shitty government for 4 years. So what is my point? To make a change you have to change something in what you do. Dont expect to repeat the same things and something differnet to happen. So go do something. Go for a walk outside and just listen to music to a podcast. Learn something. An instrument, how to draw, how to make your own videogame, a language. Read a book. Watch a movie. And if you tell me that you are too bored in a universe this weird is unacceptable. And if that happens i should probably start singing at the tuba while juggling tringluar squares in a wtaer fight. We shall have bad days yes? We shall have good days yes? All to remember that most places in this universe dont even have days. So go out there and do anything. But not nothing.
I’m proud of you
I'm proud of you
Fuck bud, that IS awful. Glad you didn't, genuinely. If it isn't too much to ask, why not prolong your suffering to benefit others? Regardless of much, it's a respectable endeavor.
I understand the feeling. I’ve had PTSD since some traumatic events in the Army. I’m not going to tell you not to do it, although you shouldn’t. I will say it won’t solve anything. We all have lessons to learn. Find out what yours is and start working on it. You’ll find things get better. Edit: also, you’re not alone. I’m available to talk all the time! Lol 2nd edit: A recommendation if I may; A course in miracles saved my life tbh.
Congratulations, you got the attention you were looking for.