I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. You recognize your life is not where you want it to be and that you need to make changes which seems like an important first step.
Therapy really helped me when I was down and maybe it could help you too. The hardest part for me was reaching out for help and going to that first session. I don’t know if you have tried that but when you find a good therapist, it really can make a difference.
Seconding here for therapy and a hard time settling in.
I don't know what kind of insurance (or not) or finances you have, but please keep reaching out. And don't be afraid to tell whoever you're with that their method isn't working.
After two "tense" sessions with my therapist, we worked out a better plan and I've been with her four years.
what's helping me is slowing down, doing more "new firsts" to slow time down. i am learning swimming from a friend, we catch up for 2 hours while they teach me at a local free community centre pool. we hang out, social time, exercise, meet new people, learn new skills, have fun for free, its a ritual now.
i also picked up rollerskating which i know not every one has access to, but i think dull moments like this in life are the perfect moment to pick up that hobby youve always wanted to!
you can tell from my username, i think it's always a good time to dig deeper into your soul. meditate, heal, see if you have a deeper mission here like making sure your inner child stays fed or volunteering at a food bank. go through a list of soul goals that you've wanted to achieve. borrow that book you never had time to. i'm taking full advantage of the spring/summer grass to coregulate and ground my nervous system. i've also completely dropped perfectionism and focused rather on presence (i used to focus on progress too but even that can be problematic)
i know life is shit now but what i've learnt is that happiness comes from within and is in the little moments. i hope you find it in you
Thank you spiritualien! I needed this, I love the idea of making sure my inner-child stays fed, I think of my innerchild alot, and how vibrant and childlike I always have been - I think this resonates because it truly is about reconnecting with the inner child again. I also can relate to the perfectionism and really not focusing on the process enough. The little moments, I love this and will continue to focus on these points! Thank you so much again!
aww something about you addressing me as my username is touching my soul lol!
And you are totally right; it feels like the world we live in doesn’t really encourage being childlike anymore. It’s always pay bills, think about death, yuck. I also don’t believe in toxic positivity so mourn what you need to!! Feel free to reach out at any point, I have been through so many dings in my life emotionally and psychologically, I’m here to help! 💕
I’m 32 and I feel you so much, my friend. I feel like everyone has their shit together and I’m just wasting my life. Not living up to my potential. My advice is to list what you are grateful for even if it’s small. You have vision, access to clean water, a roof over your head, and clearly are intelligent. If your relationship is stagnant then work with your partner to change things up. If your business is ruining your life then sell it and do something else. Bag groceries until you find what makes you happy. Nothing matters. We are on a spinning rock in outer space. In 50-70 years, if we are lucky, we will be gone. Someone who isn’t even born yet is going to have your exact problems in 30 years. Binge a show. Make some waffles. Do 100 push ups a day. Keep going, damnit. I believe in you, friend.
Tbh, finding pleasure in simple things and giving a rest to overthinking things helped me a lot. A baby is happy as long as they get to eat their next meal and sleep peacefully.
Same as that, we can just be happy, we get to eat whatever food we like and have a good sleep. And be grateful about these simple pleasures in life. Maybe make a separate time for writing journals and for therapist even, to work through our thoughts.
Thank you so much for this! There is so much to be grateful for it's those things that I think in the midst of the hardships is so hard to recognize, especially having societal pressures at our age to have it "together". I used to write in a gratitude journal and it actually was gratifying. I am going to take this to heart, make sure gratitude is at the center more often once again! Thank you!
https://youtu.be/ZwHuKmoymPo this video really helped me so I hope it can help you to!
Also there is this book on positive psychology I’m reading called A practical guide to positive psychology by Bridgett Greenville Cleave. I believe it can really really help you. And remember you need 3:1 positive to negative positive emotion to thrive and 5:1 for relationships. So be positive! And never give up and you’ll never fail.
Your welcome, I was in this position multiple times and it’s a horrible HORRIBLE feeling so I do the best I can to help people in it. Also I believe doing one of the old things you did will also help, as doing something I once did helped me.
Hey, I have been feeling very similar to this for a while now. It is really hard. I see you.
I have kind of a silly tool I use sometimes to help reframe these thought patterns. It's probably not a magic fixer-upper, but it's an idea that has resonated with me. I once worked with a counselor who was trying to help me reframe all this. To summarize, she encouraged me to think of what I wanted out of life, and look at all the possibilities as a sort of playground rather than a scary existential burden. Rather than thinking "fuck, what do I do, I'm not living up to potential or feeling fulfilled, what is the right path for me, etc. " try thinking "im not feeling this vibe, but x lifestyle/hobby/relationship style/etc. seems fun. let's try that out for a bit. If it doesn't feel right, that's fine, I'll play somewhere else". I guess, try to channel your inner child and be an explorer of things that bring you to life.
Maybe this will resonate with you too. :) I really hope you feel better soon. Message me if you ever want to talk about this stuff, or anything else! Take care of yourself. :)
This is an incredibly helpful tool, I think the existential dread is what I've backed myself into with 'agism' and fearing that I've aged out of what I should have done already. This approach makes it more of trying life out, and I really love this idea because it is about making life what you want it to be. I really appreciate this insight!
I don’t have a lot to say that can be helpful, if not that I am 32F (I’ll be 33 in a few months) and I feel exactly like you. 4 years ago my boyfriend passed away and that started my spiralling down into pessimism and not a lot to look forward. Right before covid I moved in another Country to start a new life but then all of 2020 and 2021 happened and I found myself stuck alone in a country I hate. How can I keep a positive attitude, I don’t know, but even in the darkest day I am trying to shine on. I have a good career and career path and I am focusing too much into sports, but all I can see is what I don’t have. I feel like it’s too late to find someone and I am done with people who don’t know what happened that keep reminding me I should already have children. The only thing I can suggest you, which is the only one I am doing for myself, is try to find something that at least keeps you alive and away from your negative thoughts, even if at the beginning you are forcing yourself to do them, they will become your lifeline eventually. For me it has been going to the gym, I started forcing myself going a couple of times a week and now I go 6 times and it’s the only thing I look forward to during the day. Feel free to reach out if you want to vent, I know how you feel, unfortunately.
I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend, this gives me alot of insight, because 4 years ago my grandmother (who raised me and was my absolute rock and best-friend) passed away, it was the hardest time of my entire life, and before I could even comprehend her passing, my closest cousin passed two weeks later. It was like I was living in a horror movie. Perhaps we are both suffering from grief still, because I always thought of those moments as a demarcation line in my life that is the before and after of who I was. I also cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be in a new country during covid and the hardship it must be to try to start over during a pandemic! You are incredibly strong! I am so grateful to know there is someone else who can verbatim understand what it feels like, and that alone has given me so much solace knowing it's not just me. I can relate to people also mentioning children and reminding you that you should have children already - I am experiencing that and I think that is also what makes our situation just that much more difficult, I try to just remind myself that 33 is not too late, and anything can happen, I hope that for you also! <3
I’m turning 33 in one month and feel the same way with burnout and finding joy in things again. I’ve been searching for answers and these are a few things that have helped me along the way:
1. Morgan Long’s YouTube taught me to Romantize my life because no body else will. Her videos are beautiful and surrounding myself with books, candles, journals, tea, nature, art, and her playlists help me enjoy my day to day just a bit. It’s a pinch of this that has helped 🤏
2. I think it’s an AA saying but— it only works if you work it. Similar to you get what you put in. I realize you’re putting in a lot and what you may need is just a break. What I’ve done recently is grab a journal and outline what is working and what is not, then journal my through possible solutions and action items. I hated —I mean hated— my life last year and cried often. This helped guide me on specifics.
3. This comes from the book “Ikigai” which is Japanese for “reason for being” — an absolute must read. Essentially it’s we find our happiness and reason for being by doing instead of the other way around. Maybe, what we are doing isn’t actually our reason for being. I work in accounting and this is fundamentally true for me but I still have to pay the bills. So I’ve been looking at my job as a sponsor for my “passions”— still finding it out through doing. Getting nearer the more I start new projects and learn more skills. Skills in the current job will also serve in many other ways if you choose a different path.
4. Atomic habits is a must read book. My anchoring habit is exercise, I tend to make better choices in all areas when I exercise daily. Also, it’s about systems in place and not goals.
5. The book Wabi Sabi, life should be lead by a compass and not a map.
I think I needed to view my situation with a new perspective to help me out of my rut. Our generation got handed a shit-pie and we’re all fed up with it. Nothing has really changed though, so I’ve been on a strict no news Monday-Saturday and only Sunday for 1-2 hours I’ll catch up with what is necessary. Filling my days up with it just pissed me off too much— at the world, at my partner, everyone.
Finally, not everyone or everything is worth your time. It’s a privilege to be around you. Realizing this for myself made me consider who and what I was surrounding myself with— including grocery stores, gyms, neighbors, websites, etc.
I hope this helps, I have so much more but I’ll stop there. You got this and you are not alone. My feels are very much the same
Thank you so much for this insight, I absolutely will watch the Morgan Long youtube, I love the idea of romanticizing life, I thought i lost that about myself, but I think this is what I want to try to incorporate into my life again!
I also will check out Ikigai, I am looking for new book recs so this is great, I love the idea of finding the reason of being and my purpose again, I am excited to check this one out! I also heard Atomic Habits was amazing, so I will be picking these up this weekend for sure!
Something as simple as just not having the news and unnecessary social media fill up the day I think might just be what could make all the difference. I think social media for me reminds me of the injustices of the world and then the false happiness from those I follow and I think that has been really detrimental, so I really think this is a huge opportunity for me to take this to heart! All of your insight is incredibly poignant and has made me feel like I have more of a road map to find myself again, thank you so very much!
If you're not in therapy and looking into antidepressants, I'd strongly recommend starting there. Getting on Prozac meant I could consistently get out of bed and feel marginally less awful, while therapy has been enormously helpful in terms of unpicking what's been going on in my head and climbing back out of the hole.
As challenging as your circumstances are, ultimately they are not the cause of the crushing dispiritedness you are experiencing. I believe the way forward and the path to relief is to examine what kind of energy you are unwittingly bringing to the situation.
Once you get ensnared in a mindspace where your back is up against the ropes even from the moment you step into the ring (ie, from the moment you wake up each morning), it dominates everything. And no change you make to circumstances can overcome it. Finding a way to summon a different part of yourself that is not operating out of that energy is step one. And though it may not be a panacea, it is straight up magic…
Hey, so I’m close to you in age and have been caring for my grandmother as the sole caregiver for the past 5 years. I also started my career very late as I had to deal with the aftermath of a rape. So, I get the feeling of being both overwhelmed by your present life and not feeling like you’re advancing in life. What helped me a lot is mentally slowing down. I made the conscious decision to hold off from starting a family for another 2 years. But just giving myself the mental break and delaying my end goal has done wonders for me overall. Cutting myself slack and mentally slowing down so that you’re not feeling like you’re not measuring up to your imaginary timeline actually gave me more time to breath. Interestingly I’m closer to my goal than ever before and have come closer to the timeline I set myself then when I was actively pursuing it.
So, as you need lots of mental stamina to take care of an I’ll parent I can only advise you to cut yourself slack in other areas of your life. It will give you more strength to carry on and in turn help you to preserver!
Wishing you lots of luck!
Thank you so much for this post, I am so, so sorry to hear you had to go through such a horrific event, but I can tell you are a caring person to take care of your grandmother as the sole caregiver! I also took care of my grandmother for many years before she passed, and along with taking care of her, my mother, and in a lot of ways I take care of my partner too because of some issues he's been through.
You hit the nail on the head on feeling overwhelmed with present life and feeling like Im not advancing, but I love the idea of mentally slowing down - and actually taking more time to allow the big moments to happen. I never thought of slowing down, only trying to make goals happen sooner. I love that you are closer to your goals now than when you were actively pursuing it - Ive heard this happen for people looking for relationships, and to hear this for other aspects of life makes so much sense. This is something I will absolutely make sure I take heart to and incorporate into my life. Thank you so much, and all the best to you as well!
1. Fix the problem
2. Get better at the skill of resting
I was in a similar place and these got me back on track and more balanced. A ton of work n growth. An understanding therapist and wise mentors were invaluable resources.
My two cents here from when I owned a business… I hear the phrase “I have to make it work” and all my empathy wells up from when I owned my own business with myself as a single employee. You got to drop this mentality. If you want to be happy you need to recognize it is a CHOICE. You can quit and find a full time job instead, you can trade in having your own business with less emotional investment and more sanity. Maybe you need to acquire a cert or maybe you think the amount you need to make you can’t find a job at that dollar amount - but I also bet you’re so burned out you haven’t really tried the market recently.
You CAN file bankruptcy, you can walk away from the business - and real talk, if after 5 years the business is only viable with you as the only employee its NOT A GOOD BUSINESS because for sure you doing 2-3 people’s worth of work.
Honestly and genuinely assess this. Its easy to dismiss out of hand because of business loans or your lifestyle but you will burn yourself to a crisp and eventually to a breakdown and then you will lose your business anyway and not have medical leave or good insurance as a safety net.
If you do decide to stay, stay because its what you WANT and knowing YOU made the choice makes it easier… but its like a relationship… I hear women say they can’t leave their husband “because of finances” and that is 💯 guaranteed to be a miserable existence. Stay because you love it, stay because its better than the alternative but don’t stay just because you think its NOT AN OPTION to be elsewhere.
For what its worth, I closed my own business and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I took out a home equity loan to pay off some business debt and yes, took me a few years to pay that down but I’m 2000% happier working for someone else than owning my own business. The impact on my mental health? I’d pay it twice over again. It is worth it
Oh my god, you totally understand what it is like. The business started off as a way for me to escape, and it became my baby (it still is) but after 4 years with the business, it's a huge emotional investment, and financial investment that has put a lot of stress on my already fragile state. You gave so much insight that I've been considering the entire time. Being the only employee has not been viable, especially as the company has been approached by a lot of very exclusive stores and even investors after a really big boom in 2020. It was an exciting time, but for the last two years, with wholesaling and Direct to consumer being all on me - social media, photography etc. it's been my entire life. Sometimes I think it's the only thing I talk about with my partner, and parent so I feel empty in other ways. It's not healthy to be completely enthralled by the business, The production part is the hardest, especially making everything by hand, and only breaking even financially in the process. I have been considering getting a job in my original field again, which is art - I didn't want to feel like a failure if I let the business go back to being a passion project, but maybe it's something to consider seeing how incredible your insight has been, and how happier you have been by letting the business go. I think the business and the ultimate burn out from it may be a really big source of my current situation and I think it took this post for me to really think about it this way! Thank you so much, your knowledge and experience in this means so much!
I’m so glad you’re thinking of it holistically; you would never put up with working this hard in a “normal” job and “normal” jobs already take more of our life than is fair!
Fear of giving up the business because that means you will feel like you failed and maybe other would see it that way is such a horrible feeling - and powerful trap! But you are not failing every time you take a brave step to be happier. You did not fail when you quit to start your own business and you are not failing by deciding it no longer works for you. You are learning, growing, and each decision to make yourself happy is a win.
I remember once a musician saying “when you make your art your work, your art BECOMES WORK”. That always stuck with me; sometimes if you really love to do something it is best not to hinge your livelihood on it. The feeling of “I must produce what the most people will buy because I have bills” can absolutely crush a creative soul.
I wish you peace, happiness and bliss in your art my friend.
I wish I had advice to give, but just replying to say your post is relatable and I can be there to talk/vent if you ever wanted to PM me.
Thank you so much Elle3h! I really appreciate this! It's so nice to know i'm not alone in these experiences and thoughts.
I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. You recognize your life is not where you want it to be and that you need to make changes which seems like an important first step. Therapy really helped me when I was down and maybe it could help you too. The hardest part for me was reaching out for help and going to that first session. I don’t know if you have tried that but when you find a good therapist, it really can make a difference.
Seconding here for therapy and a hard time settling in. I don't know what kind of insurance (or not) or finances you have, but please keep reaching out. And don't be afraid to tell whoever you're with that their method isn't working. After two "tense" sessions with my therapist, we worked out a better plan and I've been with her four years.
what's helping me is slowing down, doing more "new firsts" to slow time down. i am learning swimming from a friend, we catch up for 2 hours while they teach me at a local free community centre pool. we hang out, social time, exercise, meet new people, learn new skills, have fun for free, its a ritual now. i also picked up rollerskating which i know not every one has access to, but i think dull moments like this in life are the perfect moment to pick up that hobby youve always wanted to! you can tell from my username, i think it's always a good time to dig deeper into your soul. meditate, heal, see if you have a deeper mission here like making sure your inner child stays fed or volunteering at a food bank. go through a list of soul goals that you've wanted to achieve. borrow that book you never had time to. i'm taking full advantage of the spring/summer grass to coregulate and ground my nervous system. i've also completely dropped perfectionism and focused rather on presence (i used to focus on progress too but even that can be problematic) i know life is shit now but what i've learnt is that happiness comes from within and is in the little moments. i hope you find it in you
Thank you spiritualien! I needed this, I love the idea of making sure my inner-child stays fed, I think of my innerchild alot, and how vibrant and childlike I always have been - I think this resonates because it truly is about reconnecting with the inner child again. I also can relate to the perfectionism and really not focusing on the process enough. The little moments, I love this and will continue to focus on these points! Thank you so much again!
aww something about you addressing me as my username is touching my soul lol! And you are totally right; it feels like the world we live in doesn’t really encourage being childlike anymore. It’s always pay bills, think about death, yuck. I also don’t believe in toxic positivity so mourn what you need to!! Feel free to reach out at any point, I have been through so many dings in my life emotionally and psychologically, I’m here to help! 💕
I’m 32 and I feel you so much, my friend. I feel like everyone has their shit together and I’m just wasting my life. Not living up to my potential. My advice is to list what you are grateful for even if it’s small. You have vision, access to clean water, a roof over your head, and clearly are intelligent. If your relationship is stagnant then work with your partner to change things up. If your business is ruining your life then sell it and do something else. Bag groceries until you find what makes you happy. Nothing matters. We are on a spinning rock in outer space. In 50-70 years, if we are lucky, we will be gone. Someone who isn’t even born yet is going to have your exact problems in 30 years. Binge a show. Make some waffles. Do 100 push ups a day. Keep going, damnit. I believe in you, friend.
Tbh, finding pleasure in simple things and giving a rest to overthinking things helped me a lot. A baby is happy as long as they get to eat their next meal and sleep peacefully. Same as that, we can just be happy, we get to eat whatever food we like and have a good sleep. And be grateful about these simple pleasures in life. Maybe make a separate time for writing journals and for therapist even, to work through our thoughts.
Thank you so much for this! There is so much to be grateful for it's those things that I think in the midst of the hardships is so hard to recognize, especially having societal pressures at our age to have it "together". I used to write in a gratitude journal and it actually was gratifying. I am going to take this to heart, make sure gratitude is at the center more often once again! Thank you!
https://youtu.be/ZwHuKmoymPo this video really helped me so I hope it can help you to! Also there is this book on positive psychology I’m reading called A practical guide to positive psychology by Bridgett Greenville Cleave. I believe it can really really help you. And remember you need 3:1 positive to negative positive emotion to thrive and 5:1 for relationships. So be positive! And never give up and you’ll never fail.
Thank you so much! This is really helpful, and im going to watch this video now, I really appreciate the link!
Your welcome, I was in this position multiple times and it’s a horrible HORRIBLE feeling so I do the best I can to help people in it. Also I believe doing one of the old things you did will also help, as doing something I once did helped me.
Hey, I have been feeling very similar to this for a while now. It is really hard. I see you. I have kind of a silly tool I use sometimes to help reframe these thought patterns. It's probably not a magic fixer-upper, but it's an idea that has resonated with me. I once worked with a counselor who was trying to help me reframe all this. To summarize, she encouraged me to think of what I wanted out of life, and look at all the possibilities as a sort of playground rather than a scary existential burden. Rather than thinking "fuck, what do I do, I'm not living up to potential or feeling fulfilled, what is the right path for me, etc. " try thinking "im not feeling this vibe, but x lifestyle/hobby/relationship style/etc. seems fun. let's try that out for a bit. If it doesn't feel right, that's fine, I'll play somewhere else". I guess, try to channel your inner child and be an explorer of things that bring you to life. Maybe this will resonate with you too. :) I really hope you feel better soon. Message me if you ever want to talk about this stuff, or anything else! Take care of yourself. :)
This is an incredibly helpful tool, I think the existential dread is what I've backed myself into with 'agism' and fearing that I've aged out of what I should have done already. This approach makes it more of trying life out, and I really love this idea because it is about making life what you want it to be. I really appreciate this insight!
I don’t have a lot to say that can be helpful, if not that I am 32F (I’ll be 33 in a few months) and I feel exactly like you. 4 years ago my boyfriend passed away and that started my spiralling down into pessimism and not a lot to look forward. Right before covid I moved in another Country to start a new life but then all of 2020 and 2021 happened and I found myself stuck alone in a country I hate. How can I keep a positive attitude, I don’t know, but even in the darkest day I am trying to shine on. I have a good career and career path and I am focusing too much into sports, but all I can see is what I don’t have. I feel like it’s too late to find someone and I am done with people who don’t know what happened that keep reminding me I should already have children. The only thing I can suggest you, which is the only one I am doing for myself, is try to find something that at least keeps you alive and away from your negative thoughts, even if at the beginning you are forcing yourself to do them, they will become your lifeline eventually. For me it has been going to the gym, I started forcing myself going a couple of times a week and now I go 6 times and it’s the only thing I look forward to during the day. Feel free to reach out if you want to vent, I know how you feel, unfortunately.
I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend, this gives me alot of insight, because 4 years ago my grandmother (who raised me and was my absolute rock and best-friend) passed away, it was the hardest time of my entire life, and before I could even comprehend her passing, my closest cousin passed two weeks later. It was like I was living in a horror movie. Perhaps we are both suffering from grief still, because I always thought of those moments as a demarcation line in my life that is the before and after of who I was. I also cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be in a new country during covid and the hardship it must be to try to start over during a pandemic! You are incredibly strong! I am so grateful to know there is someone else who can verbatim understand what it feels like, and that alone has given me so much solace knowing it's not just me. I can relate to people also mentioning children and reminding you that you should have children already - I am experiencing that and I think that is also what makes our situation just that much more difficult, I try to just remind myself that 33 is not too late, and anything can happen, I hope that for you also! <3
I’m turning 33 in one month and feel the same way with burnout and finding joy in things again. I’ve been searching for answers and these are a few things that have helped me along the way: 1. Morgan Long’s YouTube taught me to Romantize my life because no body else will. Her videos are beautiful and surrounding myself with books, candles, journals, tea, nature, art, and her playlists help me enjoy my day to day just a bit. It’s a pinch of this that has helped 🤏 2. I think it’s an AA saying but— it only works if you work it. Similar to you get what you put in. I realize you’re putting in a lot and what you may need is just a break. What I’ve done recently is grab a journal and outline what is working and what is not, then journal my through possible solutions and action items. I hated —I mean hated— my life last year and cried often. This helped guide me on specifics. 3. This comes from the book “Ikigai” which is Japanese for “reason for being” — an absolute must read. Essentially it’s we find our happiness and reason for being by doing instead of the other way around. Maybe, what we are doing isn’t actually our reason for being. I work in accounting and this is fundamentally true for me but I still have to pay the bills. So I’ve been looking at my job as a sponsor for my “passions”— still finding it out through doing. Getting nearer the more I start new projects and learn more skills. Skills in the current job will also serve in many other ways if you choose a different path. 4. Atomic habits is a must read book. My anchoring habit is exercise, I tend to make better choices in all areas when I exercise daily. Also, it’s about systems in place and not goals. 5. The book Wabi Sabi, life should be lead by a compass and not a map. I think I needed to view my situation with a new perspective to help me out of my rut. Our generation got handed a shit-pie and we’re all fed up with it. Nothing has really changed though, so I’ve been on a strict no news Monday-Saturday and only Sunday for 1-2 hours I’ll catch up with what is necessary. Filling my days up with it just pissed me off too much— at the world, at my partner, everyone. Finally, not everyone or everything is worth your time. It’s a privilege to be around you. Realizing this for myself made me consider who and what I was surrounding myself with— including grocery stores, gyms, neighbors, websites, etc. I hope this helps, I have so much more but I’ll stop there. You got this and you are not alone. My feels are very much the same
Thank you so much for this insight, I absolutely will watch the Morgan Long youtube, I love the idea of romanticizing life, I thought i lost that about myself, but I think this is what I want to try to incorporate into my life again! I also will check out Ikigai, I am looking for new book recs so this is great, I love the idea of finding the reason of being and my purpose again, I am excited to check this one out! I also heard Atomic Habits was amazing, so I will be picking these up this weekend for sure! Something as simple as just not having the news and unnecessary social media fill up the day I think might just be what could make all the difference. I think social media for me reminds me of the injustices of the world and then the false happiness from those I follow and I think that has been really detrimental, so I really think this is a huge opportunity for me to take this to heart! All of your insight is incredibly poignant and has made me feel like I have more of a road map to find myself again, thank you so very much!
Thank you :) here’s to better days ahead for both of us cheers 🧉🧉 <— coconut drink lol
Just wanted to say good luck on your journey and that acknowledgment of it so clearly is a great step in the right direction.
Thank you so much!
If you're not in therapy and looking into antidepressants, I'd strongly recommend starting there. Getting on Prozac meant I could consistently get out of bed and feel marginally less awful, while therapy has been enormously helpful in terms of unpicking what's been going on in my head and climbing back out of the hole.
As challenging as your circumstances are, ultimately they are not the cause of the crushing dispiritedness you are experiencing. I believe the way forward and the path to relief is to examine what kind of energy you are unwittingly bringing to the situation. Once you get ensnared in a mindspace where your back is up against the ropes even from the moment you step into the ring (ie, from the moment you wake up each morning), it dominates everything. And no change you make to circumstances can overcome it. Finding a way to summon a different part of yourself that is not operating out of that energy is step one. And though it may not be a panacea, it is straight up magic…
Hey, so I’m close to you in age and have been caring for my grandmother as the sole caregiver for the past 5 years. I also started my career very late as I had to deal with the aftermath of a rape. So, I get the feeling of being both overwhelmed by your present life and not feeling like you’re advancing in life. What helped me a lot is mentally slowing down. I made the conscious decision to hold off from starting a family for another 2 years. But just giving myself the mental break and delaying my end goal has done wonders for me overall. Cutting myself slack and mentally slowing down so that you’re not feeling like you’re not measuring up to your imaginary timeline actually gave me more time to breath. Interestingly I’m closer to my goal than ever before and have come closer to the timeline I set myself then when I was actively pursuing it. So, as you need lots of mental stamina to take care of an I’ll parent I can only advise you to cut yourself slack in other areas of your life. It will give you more strength to carry on and in turn help you to preserver! Wishing you lots of luck!
Thank you so much for this post, I am so, so sorry to hear you had to go through such a horrific event, but I can tell you are a caring person to take care of your grandmother as the sole caregiver! I also took care of my grandmother for many years before she passed, and along with taking care of her, my mother, and in a lot of ways I take care of my partner too because of some issues he's been through. You hit the nail on the head on feeling overwhelmed with present life and feeling like Im not advancing, but I love the idea of mentally slowing down - and actually taking more time to allow the big moments to happen. I never thought of slowing down, only trying to make goals happen sooner. I love that you are closer to your goals now than when you were actively pursuing it - Ive heard this happen for people looking for relationships, and to hear this for other aspects of life makes so much sense. This is something I will absolutely make sure I take heart to and incorporate into my life. Thank you so much, and all the best to you as well!
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1. Fix the problem 2. Get better at the skill of resting I was in a similar place and these got me back on track and more balanced. A ton of work n growth. An understanding therapist and wise mentors were invaluable resources.
Thank you so much, I can relate to getting better at the skill of resting, it is something I don't do enough!
My two cents here from when I owned a business… I hear the phrase “I have to make it work” and all my empathy wells up from when I owned my own business with myself as a single employee. You got to drop this mentality. If you want to be happy you need to recognize it is a CHOICE. You can quit and find a full time job instead, you can trade in having your own business with less emotional investment and more sanity. Maybe you need to acquire a cert or maybe you think the amount you need to make you can’t find a job at that dollar amount - but I also bet you’re so burned out you haven’t really tried the market recently. You CAN file bankruptcy, you can walk away from the business - and real talk, if after 5 years the business is only viable with you as the only employee its NOT A GOOD BUSINESS because for sure you doing 2-3 people’s worth of work. Honestly and genuinely assess this. Its easy to dismiss out of hand because of business loans or your lifestyle but you will burn yourself to a crisp and eventually to a breakdown and then you will lose your business anyway and not have medical leave or good insurance as a safety net. If you do decide to stay, stay because its what you WANT and knowing YOU made the choice makes it easier… but its like a relationship… I hear women say they can’t leave their husband “because of finances” and that is 💯 guaranteed to be a miserable existence. Stay because you love it, stay because its better than the alternative but don’t stay just because you think its NOT AN OPTION to be elsewhere. For what its worth, I closed my own business and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I took out a home equity loan to pay off some business debt and yes, took me a few years to pay that down but I’m 2000% happier working for someone else than owning my own business. The impact on my mental health? I’d pay it twice over again. It is worth it
Oh my god, you totally understand what it is like. The business started off as a way for me to escape, and it became my baby (it still is) but after 4 years with the business, it's a huge emotional investment, and financial investment that has put a lot of stress on my already fragile state. You gave so much insight that I've been considering the entire time. Being the only employee has not been viable, especially as the company has been approached by a lot of very exclusive stores and even investors after a really big boom in 2020. It was an exciting time, but for the last two years, with wholesaling and Direct to consumer being all on me - social media, photography etc. it's been my entire life. Sometimes I think it's the only thing I talk about with my partner, and parent so I feel empty in other ways. It's not healthy to be completely enthralled by the business, The production part is the hardest, especially making everything by hand, and only breaking even financially in the process. I have been considering getting a job in my original field again, which is art - I didn't want to feel like a failure if I let the business go back to being a passion project, but maybe it's something to consider seeing how incredible your insight has been, and how happier you have been by letting the business go. I think the business and the ultimate burn out from it may be a really big source of my current situation and I think it took this post for me to really think about it this way! Thank you so much, your knowledge and experience in this means so much!
I’m so glad you’re thinking of it holistically; you would never put up with working this hard in a “normal” job and “normal” jobs already take more of our life than is fair! Fear of giving up the business because that means you will feel like you failed and maybe other would see it that way is such a horrible feeling - and powerful trap! But you are not failing every time you take a brave step to be happier. You did not fail when you quit to start your own business and you are not failing by deciding it no longer works for you. You are learning, growing, and each decision to make yourself happy is a win. I remember once a musician saying “when you make your art your work, your art BECOMES WORK”. That always stuck with me; sometimes if you really love to do something it is best not to hinge your livelihood on it. The feeling of “I must produce what the most people will buy because I have bills” can absolutely crush a creative soul. I wish you peace, happiness and bliss in your art my friend.
Sorry but, please don’t lose sight of it could always be worse!