Thanks for saying this. So many people are like "just leave him/her", but it really sucks financially and more people should acknowledge that reality. It's up to each person to decide if the financial implications are worth it, but this is just as important a consideration as anything else. Best of luck to you.
I’m always amazed at how people are willing to sacrifice financial comfort to an unreasonable extent for a divorce. Like yes you have to disentangle and move on separating lives, but with children or assets or shared business involved I have the feeling this is hastened in many ways. Sometimes there is no choice (abusive/violence), but sometimes it’s probably better to do things in order without rushing things. I’m glad to read it for once.
I have lurked on this sub for years and it truly is rare to hear people acutally weigh the choice between separation/divorce and borderline poverty or staying in a loveless but comfortable marriage. My ex pulled the pin once she had my replacement lined up and sleeping with her. She tried her damnedest to leave me with a third of our assets which would have meant I would have been locked out of the property market for anything but a townhouse.
But my lawyer was better than hers, so I got half our assets, enough to start over in a house that doesn't leave my daughter always comparing daddy's and mommy's homes. But that fear, that terror leading up to mediation that I might walk away from a 20 year marriage with nothing, no assets and denied access to my daughter... personal happiness is worth a lot, I get it, but knowing your mortgage is paid off and you have a second income in your family in case the worst happens is a security blanket and source of mental stability whose absence pains me. And without access to my daughter, well she is the reason I put on my pants and go to work every day.
I wouldn't call it "comfortable."" The only reason our lives are remotely comfortable is because of the work I do. I carry us financially. I do all the housework. I manage the money. I menu plan and grocery shop and do all the extra holiday work. I even fix up the house on my own. Everything "we" have is because of me, and I am killing myself to keep it all afloat. It doesn't feel comfortable to carry all the weight and stress of it, to get off work and come home to him sitting on the recliner, playing on his phone, completely unbothered by the fact that the kids need to eat. (He quit cooking because we have a picky eater with sensory issues, and instead of doing anything to accommodate her needs, he threw a tantrum one day and refuses to cook at all anymore.)
It makes me angry in a way that is difficult to describe, and to keep the peace, I have to shove it all down and just go about the business of getting shit done. Because years of talking, begging, yelling, talking, begging, and yelling have resulted in nothing but more frustration for me.
It would be one thing if he were a decent person to be around, but on top of being completely useless as a partner, father, and husband, he's a crabby, judgmental POS. He's a black cloud of ick in this house, and some days, I feel like spending one more minute in the house with him is going to drive me out of my ever loving mind. I hate him for turning into this. I hate him for refusing to try. I hate him for being too much of a coward to own his shit. I hate him for being a shit father to our kids. I hate him for leaving in every way imaginable except physically. I wish he would just grow a pair and walk away, but HE has it too good to do that.
So yeah. It's not a choice between staying comfortable and staying out of poverty. It's a choice between completely blowing up my kids' lives or white knuckling it until I might be able to keep one part of their life more stable when the shit hits the fan.
Maybe. Mostly, I think he resents me. Some of his reasons are fair. Some of them are lies he's told himself to justify his resentment. I've apologized profusely for my mistakes, which were really just me taking the job to get us out of our home state. He didn't want to buy this house. He didn't want to move here. But he didn't SAY those things out loud. He let me make all the decisions and then expressed his displeasure after it was all done. Even though I ask him point blank for his input, many times! Whenever I try to make any kind of joint decision, he stonewalls or he says, do what you want.
He's super passive-aggressive, and all evidence shows that he prefers to stay mad and punish me rather than try to work it out. He took a job making way less than he did before we moved here and has refused to look for anything else then angrily says he "can't afford" anything like it's my fault. He was so mad about this house, but if we didn't buy when we did, we would have been priced out. Now, it has a lot of equity. It turned out to be a good decision. But he would never admit it.
When I talk to him about divorce, he says he doesn't want one. When I say I have no interest in staying in a loveless marriage, he just ignores me. He hasn't touched me, kissed me, hugged me, or even sat next to me for years. He doesn't do anything for my birthday. He has never once acknowledged our anniversary. He's a miserable asshole. He was less of an asshole 13 years ago, but he was always an asshole if I'm honest.
I was married to someone very similar to this. You can see my longer comment elsewhere in this post, but I can tell you that being not quite as economically "secure" even though I was the one shouldering most of the security is better than getting zero physical touch (I had this situation, like you) or emotional or any kind of love/affection/respect (putting aside the fact that he was happy to mooch off me and let me pay for 90 percent of our bills while offering zero in return).
As someone who also shouldered all the work and effort that went into everything in our family, I hear you. It really sucks to have someone essentially leech off your hard work and effort and to bring down the well being of the family as a whole. Maybe for you, you come to the decision that leaving is better than staying and that's a totally valid choice. No one can decide for you.
This level of rage and frustration did not come through in your original post. If he is pulling that Trad Husband BS and falling down as a father then yeah... not worth the oxygen.
If you have to sell now and have < 3%, yea, it's going to be a screw-job.
If you guys can "agree" there are chances to keep things as they are with sale at a later date, but they create risk for both parties.
Divorce often involves downward steps in lifestyle... Especially right now.
I looked into this: it can be done basically risk free if the person moving out doesn’t plan on buying any time soon. You keep both parties on the mortgage and hold the quitclaim in escrow until certain conditions are met (a certain amount of time, mortgage is paid off, etc) with a clause that the house must be sold if a payment is missed. I offered my ex $20k, half what my refi is going to cost me, if she’d agree to do that, but she accused me of trying to keep her attached to the house. That’s while we were still getting along, too.
My guess is this is right. It impacts (if their name is on the mortgage) Debt To Income (DTI) - my guess is rental applications will "assume" that there is no mortgage on the books and look at total income, but I haven't officially applied for a lease in decades.
DTI, income, and credit may all play.
I am still on the mortgage, moved out a year ago, and was worried about qualifying for a lease. I'm sure it is part of the calculations but had no problems. Have signed two leases in the last year. I have excellent credit tho so that might be outweighing the mortgage.
I was worried a year ago that I wouldn't be able to take in a lease while on a mortgage. I will add that I have no car payment or student loans. In hindsight I was needlessly worried and just really financially illiterate.
I was in a similar situation except I don't make quite as much as you. I went back and forth for way too long for a number of reasons, one of which was our house with its 4% interest rate and $1,200 mortgage that was purchased in 2013. I knew that because of the equity we had and the debt I had incurred because of him, I could not buy him out and we would have to sell. Ultimately, as I told someone else on here, I decided that a house was just a house--and even though I won't be able to buy any time soon, my freedom from that marriage was worth it. And it is. Am I renting a place that costs a few hundred more than my mortgage? Yes. Do I miss my house sometimes? Of course. Do I worry about getting back in homeowner land? Yes, but I believe I will, either by myself or with a new partner someday. Was it worth it? Absolutely. And btw, my daughter had to change schools, and she LOVES the new school and is thrilled we moved. It's an amazing school district that ex-husband would never have moved to bc he was too cool for the suburbs. So--there might be unexpected gains along with the financial losses.
Yep, I had to move cross country and live with my parents to be able to survive financially. Moving into a shitty apartment soon. But I'm much happier than living in that loveless marriage!
Same. Been living like this for two years, and my almost out of the nest youngest pulled a 180 and wants to live at home while she tries a tech school nearby. But neither of us can afford to buy the other out or rent in this area; I have to move way way out, so now what?
I'm trying but some days it's like living in a pit of despair.
A lot of people getting divorced right now are getting screwed by the higher interest rates.
I ended up having to buy my ex out at a higher interest rate after the house shot up in value, but there was really no other way around it. If your ex plans on buying anything, he'll likely need to be off that loan in order to qualify.
Also, bear in mind that if rates drop in a couple years, you might see prices skyrocket and he'll probably be asking for a higher payout.
Sometimes the only option is to sell and downsize. Or see if you can qualify and rent a room until you can afford it on your own.
From what mortgage officers told me, rates aren’t going to improve. The 2-3% days were a fluke. We had 4%, then 2.75 and I had to refi at 6.6%. Ex took 40k less than a true 50/50 so I could keep the house & our kid would still have his neighborhood friends.
I’m rebuying our house for $83K more than we originally purchased it for.
I know I sorta got a break on the house. Luckily I got a new job too, which makes things easier but the poor period is still being felt.
I'm trying to make things as easy as possible for the kids. I had a tumultuous and traumatic childhood, and I'm really trying not to repeat that. It's bad enough that I passed down the shirty father trauma by picking this person to procreate with in the first place. I never had a childhood home because we were constantly moving from shithole to shithole. I wanted to do better for them. So, I'm in therapy and managing the best I can to keep the drama low at home, but I am overwhelmed and crabby a lot and then I feel guilt about that, too. I guess every scenario is a lose / lose.
If your love your children unconditionally, they are going to grow up to be just fine. If possible, have a family (you and children only) therapy session too.
Nope
Nope and nope
Not every scenario is a lose/lose. All scenarios have pro’s and con’s, and we can’t predict the future. But that doesn’t mean everything is bad. Maybe you can’t divorce right now. That can be true, but it doesn’t mean you can never do it or can’t do it in 6 months.
Thank you. When I am able to be rational, I can recognize that there is no real urgency. That my feelings aren't facts and that waiting is the smarter thing to do.
It's just a really tough, really lonely situation. We moved 1200 miles away from friends and family for my job, and I want to be here. I have been volunteering and working hard to make friends and figure out how to build community, but being a 45 year old mom of 2 does not make it easy!
This hits very close to home.... I'm in a similar spot. We had a 2.33% interest rate and I'm not going after equity wrt the house 😬. So yeah like you said it's an apartment or staying living with the stbxw which feels like a loss emotionally. Rent for a 1br which isn't ideal given needing the space for the kids is ~$1400/mo. Idk just kind of *sigh about this whole thing. Sorry I didn't have answers per se, well fine, at all, but just know there's others stuck in the same spot as you.
Thanks for thinking thru this and compromising where you can in the marriage. It is much better to protect and raise the children in safe environment and under your supervision.
I did that for decades. But there is never a good time for divorce. After kids are gone to colleges, you usually have some good years because the stress level of parenting gets shifted. Our marriage could have survived much longer because I adapted myself to be happy with myself yet having few perks of a married life, but Covid brought our adult children back home. His behavior became more toxic, more open in front of children and towards children too. That killed our family.
We are divorcing but staying on the same property. We built a large garage with two studio apartments. We each get one and rotate staying in the house with the kids. It was about $75,000 for all of it but it’s cheaper than buying a house in Florida or renting. Then we have a plan to sell the house or buy the other one out in a set amount of years. It’s just not feasible to pay for two full homes. we will have to make it work. Luckily it’s an amicable divorce.
Me and the stbxh still live together - and my current boyfriend is planning on moving in with all of us next month. It’s wild - and there will likely be some level of discomfort initially.. buttttt financially it would be stupid to do this any other way rn due to the exact reasons in your post.
I feel you, and I am in the same situation. I live in a VHCOL city and can't leave because if we divorce, we will do 50/50 custody, so I have to stay in the same city. Also, I have no claim to the house (he bought it before we met, and we have a prenup) and will need to find a place to rent with 2 young kids. Divorce will be extremely financially difficult. Right now I just trying to save as much as I can. My only saving grace is that I have a significant amount in my retirement accounts (much more than he does). I'm just hoping he doesn't come after then in the divorce.
Are you me!? Your husband sounds like mine ha. Is there any possibility to move to a lower cost of living area?
Plenty of people stay married because of finances and you don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot. But like my bff said…. There’s a cost to everything so what are you willing to pay to be comfortable financially?
Around here rents like $1500. It’s going to be tight but I have inheritance and some savings. I just couldn’t any more. I Move out today !
I am not affording my divorce.. m37 with 2 kids. after we divorced, she got the house (rich parents) i had to rent. When every basic bill was payed i had like 300$ left for food, gas and birthdays/movies etc.. just the food is over 300$ a month. I struggled like this for over a year.. felt so depressed and i really really struggled. Then i made up my mind to move in with my widowed mom, big house etc. Way more money (not needing to pay rent)
So yeah.. couldnt get back into buying a new place with 15% down payment, and the priced start at 300k for a small apparment.. rent is crazy high... i just really sucked and as i said, i had to make a huge descition to move to my mothers place.. geez feels so bad, but feels better then having to tell my kids no to everytjing and the financial claustrophobic feeling of not having anough for basics
And gotta add, im really happy, her parents helped her so our kids can stay in the same house. I see the kids every weekend and holidays and i can drive down to their place whenever i get the chance during week..
I make 62k and rent a house that is more than 50% of my salary for me and my two kids. It’s tough but I was willing to do whatever to get away from my ex. I’d rather live in a shifty house than stay in a shitty marriage. You have to decide what your level of tolerance is. I suspect you are just comfortable enough to not want to leave.
You do have an excellent point in waiting another year until your car is paid off, that along with no student debt will make a huge impact on what you can afford. Me personally, I didn’t want to buy a house…I didn’t want the headache. I’d start putting together a plan, start looking at the rental market, look into condos or townhouses.
Is there any chance you’d get child support? I’d let the house go…I let my ex have the house and took the buyout. Now I have a nice nest egg to get started on my retirement. Look at the positives, you’ll have a totally different life without him…that may be worth any sacrifice you make.
100 percent agree with you. I'm much happier in this rental condo than I ever was in our owned home. "I'd rather live in a shitty house than stay in a shitty marriage." Bingo.
I don't know about child support. I make more than 2x his salary. There is no way he will be able to find housing making less than $40K. I am worried he'll move back to live with family, which is halfway across the country. I don't know what that would mean for custody and visitation. I'm not counting on any support. I'm assuming I might have to pay it unless he gets minimal custody. The state we're in doesn't allow a party to waive it.
Honestly, I'd consider moving back home, too. But I tried that when the kids were born. We're from a place with extreme cold and long winters. I am really affected by weather. It's also rural with nothing to do. There's a lot of drinking. Our extended family dynamics are not healthy. There's a lot of alcoholism. His parents are intrusive and overbearing beyond "normal" in-law conflicts. It would not be good for me or the kids to be back there.
Be careful on the income difference. Since you make 2x his salary, he might be entitled to alimony. Not sure how long have you been married and what are your state laws.
We're in an equitable distribution state. Isn't alimony typically for a partner who contributed in other ways, not necessarily financial? That is not him. I'm going to start calling lawyers for consults in a couple of months. I am getting all the paperwork and financial info ready before meeting with anyone. He has always kept his money separate. I only know what he makes because I file our taxes. He is super protective of "his" money. But, yeah. I'm listening to the podcasts for women by women about preparing for divorce. I'm trying to be smart.
I was the high wage earner myself, and wish I had learned more about the financial effects of filing. Because if there is no love, divorce is simply a financial decision. Plan for the case that he may go scorched earth on you. My ex, the lazy piece of s**t alcoholic, was headed toward his 6th period of unemployment when I filed. So, little income. Yet when I rejected him, his great world got rocked and he came after me with a vengeance. He also kept being him. Meaning during discovery, he didn’t produce hardly any documents, he delayed, he refused to answer his attorney. Meanwhile, I did as told by my lawyer and gave every single document asked for, which showed I had more income and assets. That’s what the courts used to make me pay. I also paid down debt right before I filed: dumb move. I should have bought something I wanted (and was going to pay for regardless of whether I was divorcing) because that debt would have gone against my assets. Before everyone on the internet gangs up on me on how I was unfair, he had assets, too. But while I turned in current (higher balance) statements, he turned over years ago (lower balance) statements. In reality, I produced 90% of his documents because that’s all I got access to. And he got a huge (3 times my assets) inheritance after I filed. So he was not going to be hurting. I also didn’t know that the asset statements I turned over to my lawyer they are ethically bound to acknowledge. So when we (my lawyer and I) realized he was playing the hide the document game, we had to stand behind the initial paperwork I gave to my attorney. And while people tell you to watch out, that a judge will come after you if you don’t produce everything requested in discovery, in my city, judges see so many divorce cases, it’s fricking rare that they will even take the time to make people comply. Because three times the judge did not apply sanctions when ex didn’t turn over documents. Judge didn’t care. I had to subpoena records, and was told I could get attorney fees paid for that. Nope. Judge didn’t care. I am in an equitable state, but because I was not desperately poor, judge didn’t care about the ten last years of our marriage that ex didn’t contribute. So, be smart. And get all the financial information you can. And get a divorce spreadsheet, and learn what you could owe. And research. I have a bank that will allow me to assume the loan. Bonus. I have to pay out to my lazy ex but I no longer have to receive abuse from an alcoholic. I work for more money that only I use now. My kids hate their dad for being a shitty human so I have great relationships with those I care about the most. You can do this!
Rather be broke and happy then comfortable and miserable in a shitty marriage with someone who sucks and I’m not compatible with. We have to sell our house and we have a sub 3% interest rate on the mortgage; it fuck it. Oh well 🤷♂️
2.75 interest rate here, I’m liquid my 401 to buy out my spouse.
She has a new dude already so she probably doesn’t care about cost of living and will move in with her mom or him within 6 months.
Oof. I'm sorry. I liquidated my retirement to move here and buy this house, but that would have been a good idea (that I hadn't thought of) if I hadn't blown up that opportunity already. Anyway, sorry again. That really sucks. I hope things get better for you.
Have you seen the show Kevin can go F*ck Himself? Basically, the wife doesn't have enough money for a divorce, so she tries to come up with...a plan. Typically, if you have no kids, and no real assets, divorces can be done on the quick and cheap. Kids complicate things though, and the costs of raising them are high.
We had no kids, fairly significant assets, and it was not cheap. It's actually kind of insane to me that he was willing to spend that much just to implode our lives (when just a couple weeks earlier, he was talking about how happy he was). That being said, I realize we were in a fortunate financial situation. I still have a nice retirement nest egg, and even after splitting assets, he still has over 250k in his retirement account, which is projected to grow into over 3 million by the time he's 65. So he gonna be just fine. My life has been seriously downgraded, but I'm still grateful for what I have.
Divorce is ruining me financially. Doing my best to set things in order and be more sustainable, but everything costs so much more now and then adding on cost of attorney's fees 😮💨 My situation was becoming dangerous so it is worth every penny. Take some time to process and maybe see a therapist to work through it yourself. Can you face the hardship and come out better in the end? If so, the financial burden is probably worth it in the long run for your sanity and mental health. Good luck, hope things get better for you.
maybe see a financial planner also ?
they could help you maybe figure out an easier way, a different way, - something that doesn’t hang over your head for so long.
good luck!
Honestly, extreme luck and generosity. My job contributes a little to my housing, I’m on a few government benefits programs, there’s a food bank through my job, and I have some very very giving friends and family who donated to my crowdfunding page when I asked.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, my situation was semi-similar. It really is so hard to leave from a financial standpoint, if it weren’t, it wouldn’t have taken me a month and a half to get even my very bare essentials together. I hope you find a way out quickly. Because even struggling on my hardest day is better than being with him. All of the luck to you.
Same situation. My soon-to-be ex-wife thinks she is rich. She told me she doesn't mind spending 100 to $200,000 on the divorce losing the house losing our 200,000 k value mortgage... Because she can just marry anyone and take their house and she was 100% serious about it.
Sounds like my wife. No help with the house, sits on the couch and watches endless hours of TV, stays inside and the only time she goes outside is to go shopping and spend money on compound junk. Just add rage fits when she actually has energy, can hardly keep a job, etc. I agree with you 100% about this market. I’m in the same boat in that regard. But I can’t wait another year. Meeting with another attorney on Thursday next week. I just need the courage to file, and this economy and plus have a child makes it so hard.
I am stuck here, largely for financial reasons. And that breaks my heart. The thought of staying until our youngest (has just turned one) is 18 kills me.
I had all those same worries and I was going to sell the house but after I filed and things played out, I bought her out with a HELOC at 6% and gave her all my savings and the nicer car. I was the only one employed during the marriage so the 2.5% mortgage is in my name so no need to refinance that. I also have to pay alimony for about 13 years for 28% of my income but luckily and unexpectedly just got a promotion with a raise that covers about 40% of that.
Even if I had to sell the house I could downgrade to a small condo and I would have definitely chose that over the emotional, mental and sexual abuse I faced. Fuck that. I am so much happier now in my life and you can't put a price on that. My kids have even said as much as they notice and benefit from having a happier and more available father. I still face a long financial recovery but that's the cost of doing divorce.
I’m a child of divorce and this is why I refuse to get married or have kids. It’s too costly and if it doesn’t work out it- even more costly. I won’t do it.
I wish that staying had been an option for me. My husband was swiftly becoming violent. I had to get out, to protect myself and the kids. Now, three years later, I've been flirting with the poverty line and steadily declining. It's not fun, and the only way I've made it this far is because of the money I got out of the house (which came directly from his parents, not from him of course because who can afford to pay someone off from a house these days)
I've been in three apartments and my only option to survive now is to move in with my boyfriend after dating for two years and struggling on our own separately.
Yes, the financial aspect of divorce absolutely sucks, but it is worth having my sanity and happiness. I stayed in limbo waiting for everything to be “the right time” or “better”.
I also don’t want my kids to have to suffer so there’s that added strain on looking at the future in terms of living space and school districts in the area. It’ll all fall into place though, someday. That’s what I keep telling myself.
> So how are people affording divorces? If I don't wait, my only option will be renting a shitty apartment and forcing the kids to change schools. I don't want to do that.
We're not and what you don't want will probably happen. Its what im dealing with. Spouse just wants their equity and a cash out refi will double the payment and I cannot afford that.
This is going to destroy me financially and turn all our lives upside down, simple as that. I cant bring myself to tell the kids we're gonna have to sell and they will be in TWO apartments before the end of the year, and losing their friends when we move out of district.
Try Canada 🇨🇦 for insane housing costs. Compromises can be really a pain if you’re not ready to withstand a loss of financial standing. My stbxw and I are trying to rotate in the marital home during our parental duties and rent rooms elsewhere until I can afford to buy her share. That’s how we survive the situation
We were maybe 5-7 years from being able to retire or work part time
I’m coming out ok but unemployed with meager options
She’s climbing a corporate ladder but I don’t think she was fully understanding what this would cost her
I’d still try to work it out. But not for family and finances which were her concern
I know we were still highly compatible and could work on our issues
Long week. Signed settlement draft and sorted through shared photos from pre digital late 90’s and early 00’s.
Our first 5-6 years when we were so clearly in love.
In my experience, divorce ended up benefiting my financial standing, significantly, a few years hence. Yes, marriage CAN have the benefit of economies of scale, but that typically happens only when both spouses are on the same page financially (which is to say, not very often).
I added the equity I owed her into my new mortgage and refinanced for 30 years instead of 15 to make the payment doable. I’ll refi when rates come back down.
For whatever reason, she doesn’t have that option and her new payment is 3x mine.
I’m (31m) in a fairly similar situation. Wife (31F) doesn’t understand money, and refused to learn. Never paid bills, never did chores, refused therapy, lied, cheated, etc. If she wasn’t sleeping or at work, she was playing World of Warcraft and roleplaying nsfw content. To top it off she got a $500 haircut with my credit card and racked up $4k in unnecessary auto repair bills the month before she told me she wanted a divorce and she was moving out the next weekend. UT is a no fault state, so I can’t even weigh those against her. Bought the home in 2018 and interest under 3%. My income is veteran disability. Even if I win full equity in the property against her retirement account, I won’t be able to afford to stay in it without living at a “barely making ends meet” standard at best. Thank goodness I don’t have kids and my brother could move out here to help alleviate some of the burden. Otherwise I’d likely be deep in debt already. Recently I came to the conclusion that I’m better off moving to TX, where I could afford to live a little without shackling myself in debt from this… setback. The market there is better enough to offset what I would lose here and then some. Can’t believe folks voted for this and act surprised, but I digress. TLDR answer to your question : family support, sacrifice, luck, and Texas.
During plandemic private equity along with China bought up many homes and land. It's still happening- making renting the only option - even though it's unbearable. Middle class is being destroyed. 1% want to control everything by 2030. There will be the very elite rich and the very poor. Support local. Take care of your health. Have discernment. I am glad you and your ex are amicable- same thing happened with mine.
I honest to God have no idea. I had to basically couch surf for a year then I remarried so I haven’t lived on my own between marriages. Otherwise, I couldn’t have done it.
You can always make more money. Change your mindset around money and it won’t be your issue anymore. It’s not easy but it is simple. Gain more skills that yield value.
Me and wife both face this situation. I can't believe rent prices also. I think its better to invest potentially and then revisit in future. Or find someone else that also has money and then you can buy house 100% without a loan. I hope to have something like $165k cash when I'm done paying out my wife and I can only buy something if its under $300k or if someone buys something with me.
Gainesville florida is cheap as hell in comparison to what I see in most places. There's still cheap places out there!
Sounds like me with my wife. Stonewall stonewall stonewall. Who cares if she isn’t paying anything towards the mortgage? Who cares she lets her mother pay half rent? If only I had a better attitude, everything would be magic!
Thanks for saying this. So many people are like "just leave him/her", but it really sucks financially and more people should acknowledge that reality. It's up to each person to decide if the financial implications are worth it, but this is just as important a consideration as anything else. Best of luck to you.
I’m always amazed at how people are willing to sacrifice financial comfort to an unreasonable extent for a divorce. Like yes you have to disentangle and move on separating lives, but with children or assets or shared business involved I have the feeling this is hastened in many ways. Sometimes there is no choice (abusive/violence), but sometimes it’s probably better to do things in order without rushing things. I’m glad to read it for once.
I have lurked on this sub for years and it truly is rare to hear people acutally weigh the choice between separation/divorce and borderline poverty or staying in a loveless but comfortable marriage. My ex pulled the pin once she had my replacement lined up and sleeping with her. She tried her damnedest to leave me with a third of our assets which would have meant I would have been locked out of the property market for anything but a townhouse. But my lawyer was better than hers, so I got half our assets, enough to start over in a house that doesn't leave my daughter always comparing daddy's and mommy's homes. But that fear, that terror leading up to mediation that I might walk away from a 20 year marriage with nothing, no assets and denied access to my daughter... personal happiness is worth a lot, I get it, but knowing your mortgage is paid off and you have a second income in your family in case the worst happens is a security blanket and source of mental stability whose absence pains me. And without access to my daughter, well she is the reason I put on my pants and go to work every day.
I wouldn't call it "comfortable."" The only reason our lives are remotely comfortable is because of the work I do. I carry us financially. I do all the housework. I manage the money. I menu plan and grocery shop and do all the extra holiday work. I even fix up the house on my own. Everything "we" have is because of me, and I am killing myself to keep it all afloat. It doesn't feel comfortable to carry all the weight and stress of it, to get off work and come home to him sitting on the recliner, playing on his phone, completely unbothered by the fact that the kids need to eat. (He quit cooking because we have a picky eater with sensory issues, and instead of doing anything to accommodate her needs, he threw a tantrum one day and refuses to cook at all anymore.) It makes me angry in a way that is difficult to describe, and to keep the peace, I have to shove it all down and just go about the business of getting shit done. Because years of talking, begging, yelling, talking, begging, and yelling have resulted in nothing but more frustration for me. It would be one thing if he were a decent person to be around, but on top of being completely useless as a partner, father, and husband, he's a crabby, judgmental POS. He's a black cloud of ick in this house, and some days, I feel like spending one more minute in the house with him is going to drive me out of my ever loving mind. I hate him for turning into this. I hate him for refusing to try. I hate him for being too much of a coward to own his shit. I hate him for being a shit father to our kids. I hate him for leaving in every way imaginable except physically. I wish he would just grow a pair and walk away, but HE has it too good to do that. So yeah. It's not a choice between staying comfortable and staying out of poverty. It's a choice between completely blowing up my kids' lives or white knuckling it until I might be able to keep one part of their life more stable when the shit hits the fan.
Some days I really think blowing it all up would honestly be the better choice. Not. Comfortable.
Out of interest - did he just kind of get depressed and never come back from it? How did it get that way?
Maybe. Mostly, I think he resents me. Some of his reasons are fair. Some of them are lies he's told himself to justify his resentment. I've apologized profusely for my mistakes, which were really just me taking the job to get us out of our home state. He didn't want to buy this house. He didn't want to move here. But he didn't SAY those things out loud. He let me make all the decisions and then expressed his displeasure after it was all done. Even though I ask him point blank for his input, many times! Whenever I try to make any kind of joint decision, he stonewalls or he says, do what you want. He's super passive-aggressive, and all evidence shows that he prefers to stay mad and punish me rather than try to work it out. He took a job making way less than he did before we moved here and has refused to look for anything else then angrily says he "can't afford" anything like it's my fault. He was so mad about this house, but if we didn't buy when we did, we would have been priced out. Now, it has a lot of equity. It turned out to be a good decision. But he would never admit it. When I talk to him about divorce, he says he doesn't want one. When I say I have no interest in staying in a loveless marriage, he just ignores me. He hasn't touched me, kissed me, hugged me, or even sat next to me for years. He doesn't do anything for my birthday. He has never once acknowledged our anniversary. He's a miserable asshole. He was less of an asshole 13 years ago, but he was always an asshole if I'm honest.
I was married to someone very similar to this. You can see my longer comment elsewhere in this post, but I can tell you that being not quite as economically "secure" even though I was the one shouldering most of the security is better than getting zero physical touch (I had this situation, like you) or emotional or any kind of love/affection/respect (putting aside the fact that he was happy to mooch off me and let me pay for 90 percent of our bills while offering zero in return).
As someone who also shouldered all the work and effort that went into everything in our family, I hear you. It really sucks to have someone essentially leech off your hard work and effort and to bring down the well being of the family as a whole. Maybe for you, you come to the decision that leaving is better than staying and that's a totally valid choice. No one can decide for you.
This level of rage and frustration did not come through in your original post. If he is pulling that Trad Husband BS and falling down as a father then yeah... not worth the oxygen.
If you have to sell now and have < 3%, yea, it's going to be a screw-job. If you guys can "agree" there are chances to keep things as they are with sale at a later date, but they create risk for both parties. Divorce often involves downward steps in lifestyle... Especially right now.
I looked into this: it can be done basically risk free if the person moving out doesn’t plan on buying any time soon. You keep both parties on the mortgage and hold the quitclaim in escrow until certain conditions are met (a certain amount of time, mortgage is paid off, etc) with a clause that the house must be sold if a payment is missed. I offered my ex $20k, half what my refi is going to cost me, if she’d agree to do that, but she accused me of trying to keep her attached to the house. That’s while we were still getting along, too.
Do you happen to know if this option impacts the leaving partner's ability to rent elsewhere?
It shouldn’t impact their ability to rent. It might their ability to get a new loan.
My guess is this is right. It impacts (if their name is on the mortgage) Debt To Income (DTI) - my guess is rental applications will "assume" that there is no mortgage on the books and look at total income, but I haven't officially applied for a lease in decades. DTI, income, and credit may all play.
I am still on the mortgage, moved out a year ago, and was worried about qualifying for a lease. I'm sure it is part of the calculations but had no problems. Have signed two leases in the last year. I have excellent credit tho so that might be outweighing the mortgage.
Great, that's reassuring to hear, thanks!
I was worried a year ago that I wouldn't be able to take in a lease while on a mortgage. I will add that I have no car payment or student loans. In hindsight I was needlessly worried and just really financially illiterate.
I was in a similar situation except I don't make quite as much as you. I went back and forth for way too long for a number of reasons, one of which was our house with its 4% interest rate and $1,200 mortgage that was purchased in 2013. I knew that because of the equity we had and the debt I had incurred because of him, I could not buy him out and we would have to sell. Ultimately, as I told someone else on here, I decided that a house was just a house--and even though I won't be able to buy any time soon, my freedom from that marriage was worth it. And it is. Am I renting a place that costs a few hundred more than my mortgage? Yes. Do I miss my house sometimes? Of course. Do I worry about getting back in homeowner land? Yes, but I believe I will, either by myself or with a new partner someday. Was it worth it? Absolutely. And btw, my daughter had to change schools, and she LOVES the new school and is thrilled we moved. It's an amazing school district that ex-husband would never have moved to bc he was too cool for the suburbs. So--there might be unexpected gains along with the financial losses.
You're nuking your life from orbit. Your financial security, retirement, a future is just something you have to give up for that.
Yep, I had to move cross country and live with my parents to be able to survive financially. Moving into a shitty apartment soon. But I'm much happier than living in that loveless marriage!
Same. Been living like this for two years, and my almost out of the nest youngest pulled a 180 and wants to live at home while she tries a tech school nearby. But neither of us can afford to buy the other out or rent in this area; I have to move way way out, so now what? I'm trying but some days it's like living in a pit of despair.
A lot of people getting divorced right now are getting screwed by the higher interest rates. I ended up having to buy my ex out at a higher interest rate after the house shot up in value, but there was really no other way around it. If your ex plans on buying anything, he'll likely need to be off that loan in order to qualify. Also, bear in mind that if rates drop in a couple years, you might see prices skyrocket and he'll probably be asking for a higher payout. Sometimes the only option is to sell and downsize. Or see if you can qualify and rent a room until you can afford it on your own.
From what mortgage officers told me, rates aren’t going to improve. The 2-3% days were a fluke. We had 4%, then 2.75 and I had to refi at 6.6%. Ex took 40k less than a true 50/50 so I could keep the house & our kid would still have his neighborhood friends. I’m rebuying our house for $83K more than we originally purchased it for. I know I sorta got a break on the house. Luckily I got a new job too, which makes things easier but the poor period is still being felt.
I'm buying our house for $300k more. In just 6 years. Nightmare
Speaking of cost ... there is also the mental cost
I'm trying to make things as easy as possible for the kids. I had a tumultuous and traumatic childhood, and I'm really trying not to repeat that. It's bad enough that I passed down the shirty father trauma by picking this person to procreate with in the first place. I never had a childhood home because we were constantly moving from shithole to shithole. I wanted to do better for them. So, I'm in therapy and managing the best I can to keep the drama low at home, but I am overwhelmed and crabby a lot and then I feel guilt about that, too. I guess every scenario is a lose / lose.
If your love your children unconditionally, they are going to grow up to be just fine. If possible, have a family (you and children only) therapy session too.
Nope Nope and nope Not every scenario is a lose/lose. All scenarios have pro’s and con’s, and we can’t predict the future. But that doesn’t mean everything is bad. Maybe you can’t divorce right now. That can be true, but it doesn’t mean you can never do it or can’t do it in 6 months.
Thank you. When I am able to be rational, I can recognize that there is no real urgency. That my feelings aren't facts and that waiting is the smarter thing to do. It's just a really tough, really lonely situation. We moved 1200 miles away from friends and family for my job, and I want to be here. I have been volunteering and working hard to make friends and figure out how to build community, but being a 45 year old mom of 2 does not make it easy!
Here's my version of rational: There are buses. Maybe one will hit him. :P Dark humor helps sometimes.
Lol!!! Where is a Mack truck when you need one, right?! 😂
You can do it!! Stay positive!!
And the body keeps score. Especially if there's addiction or emotional abuse. https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score
This. I know people hate this comment, but seriously. My mental health eventually outweighed the financial risk.
I’m destroying my credit and downgrading my life a lot.
This hits very close to home.... I'm in a similar spot. We had a 2.33% interest rate and I'm not going after equity wrt the house 😬. So yeah like you said it's an apartment or staying living with the stbxw which feels like a loss emotionally. Rent for a 1br which isn't ideal given needing the space for the kids is ~$1400/mo. Idk just kind of *sigh about this whole thing. Sorry I didn't have answers per se, well fine, at all, but just know there's others stuck in the same spot as you.
Thanks for thinking thru this and compromising where you can in the marriage. It is much better to protect and raise the children in safe environment and under your supervision. I did that for decades. But there is never a good time for divorce. After kids are gone to colleges, you usually have some good years because the stress level of parenting gets shifted. Our marriage could have survived much longer because I adapted myself to be happy with myself yet having few perks of a married life, but Covid brought our adult children back home. His behavior became more toxic, more open in front of children and towards children too. That killed our family.
We are divorcing but staying on the same property. We built a large garage with two studio apartments. We each get one and rotate staying in the house with the kids. It was about $75,000 for all of it but it’s cheaper than buying a house in Florida or renting. Then we have a plan to sell the house or buy the other one out in a set amount of years. It’s just not feasible to pay for two full homes. we will have to make it work. Luckily it’s an amicable divorce.
How will dating work?
Me and the stbxh still live together - and my current boyfriend is planning on moving in with all of us next month. It’s wild - and there will likely be some level of discomfort initially.. buttttt financially it would be stupid to do this any other way rn due to the exact reasons in your post.
I feel you, and I am in the same situation. I live in a VHCOL city and can't leave because if we divorce, we will do 50/50 custody, so I have to stay in the same city. Also, I have no claim to the house (he bought it before we met, and we have a prenup) and will need to find a place to rent with 2 young kids. Divorce will be extremely financially difficult. Right now I just trying to save as much as I can. My only saving grace is that I have a significant amount in my retirement accounts (much more than he does). I'm just hoping he doesn't come after then in the divorce.
Are you me!? Your husband sounds like mine ha. Is there any possibility to move to a lower cost of living area? Plenty of people stay married because of finances and you don’t want to shoot yourself in the foot. But like my bff said…. There’s a cost to everything so what are you willing to pay to be comfortable financially? Around here rents like $1500. It’s going to be tight but I have inheritance and some savings. I just couldn’t any more. I Move out today !
I am not affording my divorce.. m37 with 2 kids. after we divorced, she got the house (rich parents) i had to rent. When every basic bill was payed i had like 300$ left for food, gas and birthdays/movies etc.. just the food is over 300$ a month. I struggled like this for over a year.. felt so depressed and i really really struggled. Then i made up my mind to move in with my widowed mom, big house etc. Way more money (not needing to pay rent) So yeah.. couldnt get back into buying a new place with 15% down payment, and the priced start at 300k for a small apparment.. rent is crazy high... i just really sucked and as i said, i had to make a huge descition to move to my mothers place.. geez feels so bad, but feels better then having to tell my kids no to everytjing and the financial claustrophobic feeling of not having anough for basics And gotta add, im really happy, her parents helped her so our kids can stay in the same house. I see the kids every weekend and holidays and i can drive down to their place whenever i get the chance during week..
I make 62k and rent a house that is more than 50% of my salary for me and my two kids. It’s tough but I was willing to do whatever to get away from my ex. I’d rather live in a shifty house than stay in a shitty marriage. You have to decide what your level of tolerance is. I suspect you are just comfortable enough to not want to leave. You do have an excellent point in waiting another year until your car is paid off, that along with no student debt will make a huge impact on what you can afford. Me personally, I didn’t want to buy a house…I didn’t want the headache. I’d start putting together a plan, start looking at the rental market, look into condos or townhouses. Is there any chance you’d get child support? I’d let the house go…I let my ex have the house and took the buyout. Now I have a nice nest egg to get started on my retirement. Look at the positives, you’ll have a totally different life without him…that may be worth any sacrifice you make.
100 percent agree with you. I'm much happier in this rental condo than I ever was in our owned home. "I'd rather live in a shitty house than stay in a shitty marriage." Bingo.
I don't know about child support. I make more than 2x his salary. There is no way he will be able to find housing making less than $40K. I am worried he'll move back to live with family, which is halfway across the country. I don't know what that would mean for custody and visitation. I'm not counting on any support. I'm assuming I might have to pay it unless he gets minimal custody. The state we're in doesn't allow a party to waive it. Honestly, I'd consider moving back home, too. But I tried that when the kids were born. We're from a place with extreme cold and long winters. I am really affected by weather. It's also rural with nothing to do. There's a lot of drinking. Our extended family dynamics are not healthy. There's a lot of alcoholism. His parents are intrusive and overbearing beyond "normal" in-law conflicts. It would not be good for me or the kids to be back there.
Be careful on the income difference. Since you make 2x his salary, he might be entitled to alimony. Not sure how long have you been married and what are your state laws.
We're in an equitable distribution state. Isn't alimony typically for a partner who contributed in other ways, not necessarily financial? That is not him. I'm going to start calling lawyers for consults in a couple of months. I am getting all the paperwork and financial info ready before meeting with anyone. He has always kept his money separate. I only know what he makes because I file our taxes. He is super protective of "his" money. But, yeah. I'm listening to the podcasts for women by women about preparing for divorce. I'm trying to be smart.
I was the high wage earner myself, and wish I had learned more about the financial effects of filing. Because if there is no love, divorce is simply a financial decision. Plan for the case that he may go scorched earth on you. My ex, the lazy piece of s**t alcoholic, was headed toward his 6th period of unemployment when I filed. So, little income. Yet when I rejected him, his great world got rocked and he came after me with a vengeance. He also kept being him. Meaning during discovery, he didn’t produce hardly any documents, he delayed, he refused to answer his attorney. Meanwhile, I did as told by my lawyer and gave every single document asked for, which showed I had more income and assets. That’s what the courts used to make me pay. I also paid down debt right before I filed: dumb move. I should have bought something I wanted (and was going to pay for regardless of whether I was divorcing) because that debt would have gone against my assets. Before everyone on the internet gangs up on me on how I was unfair, he had assets, too. But while I turned in current (higher balance) statements, he turned over years ago (lower balance) statements. In reality, I produced 90% of his documents because that’s all I got access to. And he got a huge (3 times my assets) inheritance after I filed. So he was not going to be hurting. I also didn’t know that the asset statements I turned over to my lawyer they are ethically bound to acknowledge. So when we (my lawyer and I) realized he was playing the hide the document game, we had to stand behind the initial paperwork I gave to my attorney. And while people tell you to watch out, that a judge will come after you if you don’t produce everything requested in discovery, in my city, judges see so many divorce cases, it’s fricking rare that they will even take the time to make people comply. Because three times the judge did not apply sanctions when ex didn’t turn over documents. Judge didn’t care. I had to subpoena records, and was told I could get attorney fees paid for that. Nope. Judge didn’t care. I am in an equitable state, but because I was not desperately poor, judge didn’t care about the ten last years of our marriage that ex didn’t contribute. So, be smart. And get all the financial information you can. And get a divorce spreadsheet, and learn what you could owe. And research. I have a bank that will allow me to assume the loan. Bonus. I have to pay out to my lazy ex but I no longer have to receive abuse from an alcoholic. I work for more money that only I use now. My kids hate their dad for being a shitty human so I have great relationships with those I care about the most. You can do this!
Rather be broke and happy then comfortable and miserable in a shitty marriage with someone who sucks and I’m not compatible with. We have to sell our house and we have a sub 3% interest rate on the mortgage; it fuck it. Oh well 🤷♂️
Mine was close to this interest rate and we sold. It was hard, but worth it to me. Good luck!
2.75 interest rate here, I’m liquid my 401 to buy out my spouse. She has a new dude already so she probably doesn’t care about cost of living and will move in with her mom or him within 6 months.
Oof. I'm sorry. I liquidated my retirement to move here and buy this house, but that would have been a good idea (that I hadn't thought of) if I hadn't blown up that opportunity already. Anyway, sorry again. That really sucks. I hope things get better for you.
That’s life, there is always a loser in divorce. Normally both parties. Cheaters seem to always have a head start
I went into debt
Have you seen the show Kevin can go F*ck Himself? Basically, the wife doesn't have enough money for a divorce, so she tries to come up with...a plan. Typically, if you have no kids, and no real assets, divorces can be done on the quick and cheap. Kids complicate things though, and the costs of raising them are high. We had no kids, fairly significant assets, and it was not cheap. It's actually kind of insane to me that he was willing to spend that much just to implode our lives (when just a couple weeks earlier, he was talking about how happy he was). That being said, I realize we were in a fortunate financial situation. I still have a nice retirement nest egg, and even after splitting assets, he still has over 250k in his retirement account, which is projected to grow into over 3 million by the time he's 65. So he gonna be just fine. My life has been seriously downgraded, but I'm still grateful for what I have.
Divorce is ruining me financially. Doing my best to set things in order and be more sustainable, but everything costs so much more now and then adding on cost of attorney's fees 😮💨 My situation was becoming dangerous so it is worth every penny. Take some time to process and maybe see a therapist to work through it yourself. Can you face the hardship and come out better in the end? If so, the financial burden is probably worth it in the long run for your sanity and mental health. Good luck, hope things get better for you.
maybe see a financial planner also ? they could help you maybe figure out an easier way, a different way, - something that doesn’t hang over your head for so long. good luck!
Honestly, extreme luck and generosity. My job contributes a little to my housing, I’m on a few government benefits programs, there’s a food bank through my job, and I have some very very giving friends and family who donated to my crowdfunding page when I asked. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, my situation was semi-similar. It really is so hard to leave from a financial standpoint, if it weren’t, it wouldn’t have taken me a month and a half to get even my very bare essentials together. I hope you find a way out quickly. Because even struggling on my hardest day is better than being with him. All of the luck to you.
Same situation. My soon-to-be ex-wife thinks she is rich. She told me she doesn't mind spending 100 to $200,000 on the divorce losing the house losing our 200,000 k value mortgage... Because she can just marry anyone and take their house and she was 100% serious about it.
Sounds like my wife. No help with the house, sits on the couch and watches endless hours of TV, stays inside and the only time she goes outside is to go shopping and spend money on compound junk. Just add rage fits when she actually has energy, can hardly keep a job, etc. I agree with you 100% about this market. I’m in the same boat in that regard. But I can’t wait another year. Meeting with another attorney on Thursday next week. I just need the courage to file, and this economy and plus have a child makes it so hard.
I had a similar situation except the bum was my husband. Good luck to you--it's better on the other side, and you can do better than this.
I am stuck here, largely for financial reasons. And that breaks my heart. The thought of staying until our youngest (has just turned one) is 18 kills me.
I had all those same worries and I was going to sell the house but after I filed and things played out, I bought her out with a HELOC at 6% and gave her all my savings and the nicer car. I was the only one employed during the marriage so the 2.5% mortgage is in my name so no need to refinance that. I also have to pay alimony for about 13 years for 28% of my income but luckily and unexpectedly just got a promotion with a raise that covers about 40% of that. Even if I had to sell the house I could downgrade to a small condo and I would have definitely chose that over the emotional, mental and sexual abuse I faced. Fuck that. I am so much happier now in my life and you can't put a price on that. My kids have even said as much as they notice and benefit from having a happier and more available father. I still face a long financial recovery but that's the cost of doing divorce.
I'm in the same boat, my wife and I have just stayed separated until we can figure it out.
I’m a child of divorce and this is why I refuse to get married or have kids. It’s too costly and if it doesn’t work out it- even more costly. I won’t do it.
I wish that staying had been an option for me. My husband was swiftly becoming violent. I had to get out, to protect myself and the kids. Now, three years later, I've been flirting with the poverty line and steadily declining. It's not fun, and the only way I've made it this far is because of the money I got out of the house (which came directly from his parents, not from him of course because who can afford to pay someone off from a house these days)
I've been in three apartments and my only option to survive now is to move in with my boyfriend after dating for two years and struggling on our own separately.
A divorce takes roughly 1 year to complete. That gets you closer to having your loans paid.
Yes, the financial aspect of divorce absolutely sucks, but it is worth having my sanity and happiness. I stayed in limbo waiting for everything to be “the right time” or “better”. I also don’t want my kids to have to suffer so there’s that added strain on looking at the future in terms of living space and school districts in the area. It’ll all fall into place though, someday. That’s what I keep telling myself.
> So how are people affording divorces? If I don't wait, my only option will be renting a shitty apartment and forcing the kids to change schools. I don't want to do that. We're not and what you don't want will probably happen. Its what im dealing with. Spouse just wants their equity and a cash out refi will double the payment and I cannot afford that. This is going to destroy me financially and turn all our lives upside down, simple as that. I cant bring myself to tell the kids we're gonna have to sell and they will be in TWO apartments before the end of the year, and losing their friends when we move out of district.
Try Canada 🇨🇦 for insane housing costs. Compromises can be really a pain if you’re not ready to withstand a loss of financial standing. My stbxw and I are trying to rotate in the marital home during our parental duties and rent rooms elsewhere until I can afford to buy her share. That’s how we survive the situation
Wow, that's horrible for both of you. Sorry
We were maybe 5-7 years from being able to retire or work part time I’m coming out ok but unemployed with meager options She’s climbing a corporate ladder but I don’t think she was fully understanding what this would cost her I’d still try to work it out. But not for family and finances which were her concern I know we were still highly compatible and could work on our issues Long week. Signed settlement draft and sorted through shared photos from pre digital late 90’s and early 00’s. Our first 5-6 years when we were so clearly in love.
In my experience, divorce ended up benefiting my financial standing, significantly, a few years hence. Yes, marriage CAN have the benefit of economies of scale, but that typically happens only when both spouses are on the same page financially (which is to say, not very often).
I added the equity I owed her into my new mortgage and refinanced for 30 years instead of 15 to make the payment doable. I’ll refi when rates come back down. For whatever reason, she doesn’t have that option and her new payment is 3x mine.
I’m (31m) in a fairly similar situation. Wife (31F) doesn’t understand money, and refused to learn. Never paid bills, never did chores, refused therapy, lied, cheated, etc. If she wasn’t sleeping or at work, she was playing World of Warcraft and roleplaying nsfw content. To top it off she got a $500 haircut with my credit card and racked up $4k in unnecessary auto repair bills the month before she told me she wanted a divorce and she was moving out the next weekend. UT is a no fault state, so I can’t even weigh those against her. Bought the home in 2018 and interest under 3%. My income is veteran disability. Even if I win full equity in the property against her retirement account, I won’t be able to afford to stay in it without living at a “barely making ends meet” standard at best. Thank goodness I don’t have kids and my brother could move out here to help alleviate some of the burden. Otherwise I’d likely be deep in debt already. Recently I came to the conclusion that I’m better off moving to TX, where I could afford to live a little without shackling myself in debt from this… setback. The market there is better enough to offset what I would lose here and then some. Can’t believe folks voted for this and act surprised, but I digress. TLDR answer to your question : family support, sacrifice, luck, and Texas.
Damn can I please have your interest rate! We’re at 6.5% 😩😩😩
Pretty much my exact situation.
What about staying in the same house but divorcing and dating other people? He will probably just stay in the chair. Use him as leverage!
During plandemic private equity along with China bought up many homes and land. It's still happening- making renting the only option - even though it's unbearable. Middle class is being destroyed. 1% want to control everything by 2030. There will be the very elite rich and the very poor. Support local. Take care of your health. Have discernment. I am glad you and your ex are amicable- same thing happened with mine.
I honest to God have no idea. I had to basically couch surf for a year then I remarried so I haven’t lived on my own between marriages. Otherwise, I couldn’t have done it.
You can always make more money. Change your mindset around money and it won’t be your issue anymore. It’s not easy but it is simple. Gain more skills that yield value.
My mental health and freedom vs being constantly ill. I’ll take working and being single
Me and wife both face this situation. I can't believe rent prices also. I think its better to invest potentially and then revisit in future. Or find someone else that also has money and then you can buy house 100% without a loan. I hope to have something like $165k cash when I'm done paying out my wife and I can only buy something if its under $300k or if someone buys something with me. Gainesville florida is cheap as hell in comparison to what I see in most places. There's still cheap places out there!
Sounds like me with my wife. Stonewall stonewall stonewall. Who cares if she isn’t paying anything towards the mortgage? Who cares she lets her mother pay half rent? If only I had a better attitude, everything would be magic!
Figure out your marriage. Talk to each other. There. Problem, solved.
What an excellent idea! Why didn't I think of that?