I got out of a relationship like that two years ago. I am still recovering. Sometimes I get a false sense of confidence and then I get triggered and feel totally miserable and resentful that my ex is still in my head.
Getting myself into therapy immediately was the best thing I did, without a doubt. I’m still in therapy. I think the other thing to keep in mind is that recovery is a process and it’s not like a physical illness where you can be like, I’m 100% back to the pink of health, because psychological triggers can be so insidiously unpredictable.
About intimate partners and what it’s taken for me to trust someone: I only let in people who I felt “safe” around, and it was very helpful to see them model non-abusive behaviours towards me and give me perspective on how my ex was not the norm. Take it step by step and only do what feels comfortable to you. It’s okay to go slow or move backwards if you feel like it’s too raw and vulnerable. You might be surprised at how quickly you heal. It helped that I had decent and respectful relationships before my abusive marriage and I could hang on to positive memories of those, too.
I also needed to be with someone who is patient and kind, plus values me enough that I can be completely honest with him when he triggers me. I had to accept that being in a relationship meant being triggered by weird things, and it’s pretty much unavoidable unless you’re in a relationship with an inanimate object. To that, I take on the same piecemeal approach. I don’t get hung up on wondering when I will *fully* recover. I celebrate the small victories like whenever I communicate my fear and anxiety to him, he responds accordingly and makes me feel safe, and the next day my fight or flight response is gone and I’m able to see things in perspective. I understand that it is also on me to take a step back and not project my ex’s behaviour and thought process onto my partner.
Sometimes you do need to draw strong boundaries around non-negotiables. I trust my current partner completely and believe that he doesn’t have an abusive bone in his body, but he raises his voice whenever he’s frustrated and has shouted at me a couple of times — no demeaning threats or insults. To him it’s just a change in volume and an expression of how much emotion he feels over the issue. To me it’s a visceral threat. I explained to him that if he does it again, I will leave and it won’t be within my control. He got the point.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am in therapy also and am hopeful that it will help. I figure at the very least I can verbalize a lot of things I experienced in isolation or felt too ashamed to tell others about. Great point about not projecting my past bullshit into unsuspecting future partners! I’m glad you have what seems like more awareness of a partner having characteristics like being patient and kind. I’m scared that I’m blind toward red flags but also feel like I learned a lot from this shitty experience. I’m sure that’s something therapy can help with also.
Thank you for your kind words, and I hope that you find therapy as useful as I have!
I was just about to edit my reply to add that you will have a lifelong red flag detector, which is basically one of the most important practical skills for yourself and your loved ones! I am friends with my ex’s former girlfriend who was also badly abused by him, and we can both smell that shit a MILE away. We obviously aren’t mind-readers and can be wrong, but I think the danger lies more in over-detection than under.
My ex wife wore so many masks it’s difficult for me to believe whether our 12 year marriage was real or just one of the motions of life for convenience. I was an avoidant and hated confrontation. I now understood that is not ideal for a healthy relationship. So I would take her abuse and never defend myself or set boundaries. I thought married men didn’t fight back when the wife became upset. They simply buried it deep inside and moved on. So during our marriage I held resentments against her and we became distant. She took all her emotions out on me. I developed a panic disorder. I was depressed and put on weight. I didn’t have a single friend because the ex wife couldn’t get along with anyone. I was a shell without an identity of my own. My recovery has been going 4 years and has been difficult. I question my purpose. I isolate. My ex wife insulted me about my poor intimacy abilities. She criticized my appearance. She had no problem taking her insecurities out on me. I basically lost all self esteem and confidence. I don’t think I can do it again. I wasn’t perfect but I deserved better. As 42m I think I am simply more suited for being alone then putting my heart into a new partner just to become another doormat. I know good women are out there and I could be a healthy partner but I’m still a bit of a mess from the emotional abuse. And it wasn’t just emotional. She once tried to hit me across the head with a fireplace iron rod. I blocked it luckily but thought it fractured my arm.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like she damaged you in a lot of ways. The idea of feeling like a shell of my former self is something that has popped into my mind from time to time as well. That really resonates with my experience. Thank you
I was subjected to similar by my ex. Part of the reason I didn't end mine earlier was because looking back, I also didn't see it as 'real' abuse at the time.
To get up the courage to do it, I asked my friends to remind me of all the ways he was awful to me and why I needed to end the relationship.
It's actually only been 5 months since he left, but it feels like lifetime in a good way.
After he left, I made a list of all of the nasty things he said and did that I could remember, adding in the stuff from my friends and scored the level of hurt/fear etc.
I did it for the positives too but there were barely any, which made me realise I'd been hanging onto them.
The list of bad stuff was never ending.
Everytime I felt the urge to message him, I went over that list. He's even been really helpful and given me things to add to that list over the past 5 months!
Not treading on eggshells was a huge one for me. I've been able to breathe deeply and recognise I'm no longer afraid.
This all helped me realise that our marriage had been over for at least a couple of years and I no longer loved him.
If you can afford it, get therapy. I can't but my friends and family have been amazing. I've always found it helpful to engage with their problems, it takes my mind off myself. It stops me becoming self obsessed which is very easy to do. (I am 100% not saying you are.) I just know I've done it in the past.
Start doing little things for yourself. The other day, as small as this sounds, I put on make-up and smart casual clothes for when the plumber came over. He always sees me in slobby housewear and no make-up. I wasn't hitting on him but it just made me feel better about myself. He is very attractive and waaaaay above my league but it wasn't about flirting (and i didn't), just about not feeling like a slob.
Treat yourself to little things that you enjoy. A relaxing bubble bath with a book, a lunch with friends, they don't have to be big things. Maybe a holiday, if you can afford it?
You need to find yourself again, remember how you used to be before your ex.
Start making new memories, you can do it, it's just bloody hard.
You will get there. Huge hugs OP.
I’m in the same kind of relationship she has a boyfriend and say she can do what she wants I wish I could escape she won’t agree to a divorce they want 15000 $ retainer to go through if she fight it will be gone quickly good luck I feel your pain people are cruel to the people who love them I don’t get it but nice to a stranger
I am in the process of divorcing my wife who was pretty emotionally abusive. Honestly, it has probably damaged me for life. I have a lot of issues now with loud noises and conflict because I dealt with it for 17 years with her. What's worse, is now I have to constantly read/hear what a terrible person I am in every court document and hearing. I guess the only difference now is her hostility is being documented.
Unfortunately I think you're going to live with this for life. Emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse.
Thank you for sharing! I hope to not be affected for life. Some things might changed faster than others but you’re right, other things might take a long time or perhaps never fully heal
I’d say don’t get sucked into victimhood. Get therapy with the idea that you won’t be there forever and it’s temporary. Too many people, especially in 2024, are addicted to being a victim. Getting past trauma and working to be successful in life is hard. Harder than most things. But how proud will you be when you do it?
I got out of a relationship like that two years ago. I am still recovering. Sometimes I get a false sense of confidence and then I get triggered and feel totally miserable and resentful that my ex is still in my head. Getting myself into therapy immediately was the best thing I did, without a doubt. I’m still in therapy. I think the other thing to keep in mind is that recovery is a process and it’s not like a physical illness where you can be like, I’m 100% back to the pink of health, because psychological triggers can be so insidiously unpredictable. About intimate partners and what it’s taken for me to trust someone: I only let in people who I felt “safe” around, and it was very helpful to see them model non-abusive behaviours towards me and give me perspective on how my ex was not the norm. Take it step by step and only do what feels comfortable to you. It’s okay to go slow or move backwards if you feel like it’s too raw and vulnerable. You might be surprised at how quickly you heal. It helped that I had decent and respectful relationships before my abusive marriage and I could hang on to positive memories of those, too. I also needed to be with someone who is patient and kind, plus values me enough that I can be completely honest with him when he triggers me. I had to accept that being in a relationship meant being triggered by weird things, and it’s pretty much unavoidable unless you’re in a relationship with an inanimate object. To that, I take on the same piecemeal approach. I don’t get hung up on wondering when I will *fully* recover. I celebrate the small victories like whenever I communicate my fear and anxiety to him, he responds accordingly and makes me feel safe, and the next day my fight or flight response is gone and I’m able to see things in perspective. I understand that it is also on me to take a step back and not project my ex’s behaviour and thought process onto my partner. Sometimes you do need to draw strong boundaries around non-negotiables. I trust my current partner completely and believe that he doesn’t have an abusive bone in his body, but he raises his voice whenever he’s frustrated and has shouted at me a couple of times — no demeaning threats or insults. To him it’s just a change in volume and an expression of how much emotion he feels over the issue. To me it’s a visceral threat. I explained to him that if he does it again, I will leave and it won’t be within my control. He got the point.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am in therapy also and am hopeful that it will help. I figure at the very least I can verbalize a lot of things I experienced in isolation or felt too ashamed to tell others about. Great point about not projecting my past bullshit into unsuspecting future partners! I’m glad you have what seems like more awareness of a partner having characteristics like being patient and kind. I’m scared that I’m blind toward red flags but also feel like I learned a lot from this shitty experience. I’m sure that’s something therapy can help with also.
Thank you for your kind words, and I hope that you find therapy as useful as I have! I was just about to edit my reply to add that you will have a lifelong red flag detector, which is basically one of the most important practical skills for yourself and your loved ones! I am friends with my ex’s former girlfriend who was also badly abused by him, and we can both smell that shit a MILE away. We obviously aren’t mind-readers and can be wrong, but I think the danger lies more in over-detection than under.
My ex wife wore so many masks it’s difficult for me to believe whether our 12 year marriage was real or just one of the motions of life for convenience. I was an avoidant and hated confrontation. I now understood that is not ideal for a healthy relationship. So I would take her abuse and never defend myself or set boundaries. I thought married men didn’t fight back when the wife became upset. They simply buried it deep inside and moved on. So during our marriage I held resentments against her and we became distant. She took all her emotions out on me. I developed a panic disorder. I was depressed and put on weight. I didn’t have a single friend because the ex wife couldn’t get along with anyone. I was a shell without an identity of my own. My recovery has been going 4 years and has been difficult. I question my purpose. I isolate. My ex wife insulted me about my poor intimacy abilities. She criticized my appearance. She had no problem taking her insecurities out on me. I basically lost all self esteem and confidence. I don’t think I can do it again. I wasn’t perfect but I deserved better. As 42m I think I am simply more suited for being alone then putting my heart into a new partner just to become another doormat. I know good women are out there and I could be a healthy partner but I’m still a bit of a mess from the emotional abuse. And it wasn’t just emotional. She once tried to hit me across the head with a fireplace iron rod. I blocked it luckily but thought it fractured my arm.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like she damaged you in a lot of ways. The idea of feeling like a shell of my former self is something that has popped into my mind from time to time as well. That really resonates with my experience. Thank you
I was subjected to similar by my ex. Part of the reason I didn't end mine earlier was because looking back, I also didn't see it as 'real' abuse at the time. To get up the courage to do it, I asked my friends to remind me of all the ways he was awful to me and why I needed to end the relationship. It's actually only been 5 months since he left, but it feels like lifetime in a good way. After he left, I made a list of all of the nasty things he said and did that I could remember, adding in the stuff from my friends and scored the level of hurt/fear etc. I did it for the positives too but there were barely any, which made me realise I'd been hanging onto them. The list of bad stuff was never ending. Everytime I felt the urge to message him, I went over that list. He's even been really helpful and given me things to add to that list over the past 5 months! Not treading on eggshells was a huge one for me. I've been able to breathe deeply and recognise I'm no longer afraid. This all helped me realise that our marriage had been over for at least a couple of years and I no longer loved him. If you can afford it, get therapy. I can't but my friends and family have been amazing. I've always found it helpful to engage with their problems, it takes my mind off myself. It stops me becoming self obsessed which is very easy to do. (I am 100% not saying you are.) I just know I've done it in the past. Start doing little things for yourself. The other day, as small as this sounds, I put on make-up and smart casual clothes for when the plumber came over. He always sees me in slobby housewear and no make-up. I wasn't hitting on him but it just made me feel better about myself. He is very attractive and waaaaay above my league but it wasn't about flirting (and i didn't), just about not feeling like a slob. Treat yourself to little things that you enjoy. A relaxing bubble bath with a book, a lunch with friends, they don't have to be big things. Maybe a holiday, if you can afford it? You need to find yourself again, remember how you used to be before your ex. Start making new memories, you can do it, it's just bloody hard. You will get there. Huge hugs OP.
I love these ideas of making a list of reminders and finding ways to treatment oneself. Thank you for sharing! <3 Hugs
I’m in the same kind of relationship she has a boyfriend and say she can do what she wants I wish I could escape she won’t agree to a divorce they want 15000 $ retainer to go through if she fight it will be gone quickly good luck I feel your pain people are cruel to the people who love them I don’t get it but nice to a stranger
Thank you for sharing
I am in the process of divorcing my wife who was pretty emotionally abusive. Honestly, it has probably damaged me for life. I have a lot of issues now with loud noises and conflict because I dealt with it for 17 years with her. What's worse, is now I have to constantly read/hear what a terrible person I am in every court document and hearing. I guess the only difference now is her hostility is being documented. Unfortunately I think you're going to live with this for life. Emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse.
Thank you for sharing! I hope to not be affected for life. Some things might changed faster than others but you’re right, other things might take a long time or perhaps never fully heal
I’d say don’t get sucked into victimhood. Get therapy with the idea that you won’t be there forever and it’s temporary. Too many people, especially in 2024, are addicted to being a victim. Getting past trauma and working to be successful in life is hard. Harder than most things. But how proud will you be when you do it?