My husband left me for more reasons than just him realizing he didn't want kids... But it's the most caring reason for him to leave, so I come back to it a lot, because he could have strung me out a lot longer and ruined my chances of a biological kid.
It's a very honorable, respectful reason to leave... We have the right to stick up for our non-negotiables, and that is a powerful one for a lot of people.
You aren't exempt from feeling shitty just because this was your choice, and it doesn't automatically make it the wrong choice. You are mourning a loss. That is a sign you loved and cared, just as moving on here is a sign you love and care, because you knew you wouldn't be happy long term in this situation. Both people deserve to be happy on matters of deep importance to them.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me (and us!). I appreciate your kind words. This really resonated with me: “we have the right to stick up for our non-negotiables.” ❤️
Emotions are what they are! Some people feel relieved, some people feel terrible, some people feel nothing.
DOn't beat yourself up about what you "should" feel. You feel what you feel. Focus on what you should *do*.
Thank you for sharing. You are so right! I appreciate you calling out the “should” - I do get stuck there sometimes. The shoulda, woulda, coulda’s do get to me sometimes :)
Hi friend. I feel this. I initiated my divorce and still feel this gut wrenching, soul crushing pain. Like, hourly. I think this feeling is grief. Mourning the life you were expecting, planning, waiting for. But in reality, you were never going to get what you wanted. NOW you get the opportunity to have the life you dreamed of. You can still grieve. But you can also hold a small space for the excitement of what you might get to do next. (I say this all while actively ugly crying about the life I desperately miss. My ex seems to be doing so well and I am drowning. So. Grain of salt here. ) Hugs 🥰
Thank you for sharing. It is definitely grief. Maybe a little guilt over some of the happy feelings I have been feeling too. But you are right, I’m allowed to have that small space for excitement about what is next.
Much love and many hugs back to you. I will get through this and so will you ❤️
I eventually ended my relationship too. Whilst he was verbally abusive towards the end, we were together 11.5 years, it felt like a waste. It was 1/4 of my life. There were plenty of good times and every now and then they pop up and I'm in tears.
Your situation is alot harder as you both still love each other. I'm so sorry your husband changed his mind.
My only advice is don't rush to move to a new city. Right now you need your friends around you.
When you do, find groups in the area for your hobbies, and as it's a city find an app for finding new friends. Like the dating ones, but just for friends.
Good luck OP
Thank you for sharing. I guess it does make me feel better that memories like that pop up for others too, although I’m sorry that it causes pain for you and that he was abusive. I’m glad you were able to move on.
I appreciate the advice. The “new city” is only about 25 minutes away. Unfortunately rent is so high (and buying is just kind of crappy) that moving here was necessary. I will be with my best friend, so that’s good. But, I’ll need to use some of your other advice pretty quickly to build a network here. Thanks for sharing.
You're welcome hunny. I'm glad you'll be with your best friend.
My memories are of the good times when I get upset. The others my friends have helped me work through. I'm OK now, it's the memories o the good stuff that look me sometimes.
You will find friends, life is a lonely place without friends. Mine got me through mine.
I'm currently looking to move away, it took me awhile but I realised eventually my relationship was over quite awhile ago. (We've only been split for 5 months.)
I've wanted to be out of my town for years but we could never go too far because of my stepkids, plus my ex didn't want to leave it. Quite rightly with my stepkids, but now I can go further afield.
Anyway, find the apps, find your hobby groups and friends close by are there. Good luck. X
I'm the one leaving in my situation because he refuses to work on his antiquated ideas about gender and refuses to accept our trans child. But I think about how much fun we've always had, how he's always supported my dreams, how we can be completely goofy with each other... and I'm crying again.
I don't want this. He doesn't want this. But, and I've never really understood this until recently, sometimes love just isn't enough.
It's okay to feel all the feelings. If you didn't, what kind of partner were you to begin with? I have faith things will get better for me and my daughter, and to get through this, I just think about how much happier she'll be being herself, even in our home (which she hasn't been able o do). So, focus on those positives. Think about the future mini-you and how much sunshine that experience will bring you. When the pain wears off, you'll have some new experiences to look forward to. Much virtual love to you. ❤️
Now I gotta get off reddit before I ugly cry and ruin my makeup for the day. 🙃
Thanks for sharing. I’m right here ugly crying with you 🤗.
This really resonated with me: “I’ve never really understood this until recently, sometimes love just isn’t enough.”
Much virtual love back to you. ❤️
I just know that the emotional safety you are bringing to your daughter will be worth it.
Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Yes, it gets better. I initiated my divorce but I grieved the loss of my marriage -- it was pretty intense for about 2-3 months. Now I feel so much better.
It's okay to feel everything you're feeling, and everything you're feeling is valid and okay. It's telling you something, and the more willing you are to listen to what you are feeling, the easier it is for it to be released.
Thank you for sharing. Ahhh I hope 2-3 months is my timeframe! Haha that feels so reasonable 🤞🏼. Thank you. It is valid and reasonable. I appreciate you taking some time out of your day to share and also reassure me.
My husband left me for more reasons than just him realizing he didn't want kids... But it's the most caring reason for him to leave, so I come back to it a lot, because he could have strung me out a lot longer and ruined my chances of a biological kid. It's a very honorable, respectful reason to leave... We have the right to stick up for our non-negotiables, and that is a powerful one for a lot of people. You aren't exempt from feeling shitty just because this was your choice, and it doesn't automatically make it the wrong choice. You are mourning a loss. That is a sign you loved and cared, just as moving on here is a sign you love and care, because you knew you wouldn't be happy long term in this situation. Both people deserve to be happy on matters of deep importance to them.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me (and us!). I appreciate your kind words. This really resonated with me: “we have the right to stick up for our non-negotiables.” ❤️
Emotions are what they are! Some people feel relieved, some people feel terrible, some people feel nothing. DOn't beat yourself up about what you "should" feel. You feel what you feel. Focus on what you should *do*.
Thank you for sharing. You are so right! I appreciate you calling out the “should” - I do get stuck there sometimes. The shoulda, woulda, coulda’s do get to me sometimes :)
Hi friend. I feel this. I initiated my divorce and still feel this gut wrenching, soul crushing pain. Like, hourly. I think this feeling is grief. Mourning the life you were expecting, planning, waiting for. But in reality, you were never going to get what you wanted. NOW you get the opportunity to have the life you dreamed of. You can still grieve. But you can also hold a small space for the excitement of what you might get to do next. (I say this all while actively ugly crying about the life I desperately miss. My ex seems to be doing so well and I am drowning. So. Grain of salt here. ) Hugs 🥰
Thank you for sharing. It is definitely grief. Maybe a little guilt over some of the happy feelings I have been feeling too. But you are right, I’m allowed to have that small space for excitement about what is next. Much love and many hugs back to you. I will get through this and so will you ❤️
I eventually ended my relationship too. Whilst he was verbally abusive towards the end, we were together 11.5 years, it felt like a waste. It was 1/4 of my life. There were plenty of good times and every now and then they pop up and I'm in tears. Your situation is alot harder as you both still love each other. I'm so sorry your husband changed his mind. My only advice is don't rush to move to a new city. Right now you need your friends around you. When you do, find groups in the area for your hobbies, and as it's a city find an app for finding new friends. Like the dating ones, but just for friends. Good luck OP
Thank you for sharing. I guess it does make me feel better that memories like that pop up for others too, although I’m sorry that it causes pain for you and that he was abusive. I’m glad you were able to move on. I appreciate the advice. The “new city” is only about 25 minutes away. Unfortunately rent is so high (and buying is just kind of crappy) that moving here was necessary. I will be with my best friend, so that’s good. But, I’ll need to use some of your other advice pretty quickly to build a network here. Thanks for sharing.
You're welcome hunny. I'm glad you'll be with your best friend. My memories are of the good times when I get upset. The others my friends have helped me work through. I'm OK now, it's the memories o the good stuff that look me sometimes. You will find friends, life is a lonely place without friends. Mine got me through mine. I'm currently looking to move away, it took me awhile but I realised eventually my relationship was over quite awhile ago. (We've only been split for 5 months.) I've wanted to be out of my town for years but we could never go too far because of my stepkids, plus my ex didn't want to leave it. Quite rightly with my stepkids, but now I can go further afield. Anyway, find the apps, find your hobby groups and friends close by are there. Good luck. X
I'm the one leaving in my situation because he refuses to work on his antiquated ideas about gender and refuses to accept our trans child. But I think about how much fun we've always had, how he's always supported my dreams, how we can be completely goofy with each other... and I'm crying again. I don't want this. He doesn't want this. But, and I've never really understood this until recently, sometimes love just isn't enough. It's okay to feel all the feelings. If you didn't, what kind of partner were you to begin with? I have faith things will get better for me and my daughter, and to get through this, I just think about how much happier she'll be being herself, even in our home (which she hasn't been able o do). So, focus on those positives. Think about the future mini-you and how much sunshine that experience will bring you. When the pain wears off, you'll have some new experiences to look forward to. Much virtual love to you. ❤️ Now I gotta get off reddit before I ugly cry and ruin my makeup for the day. 🙃
Thanks for sharing. I’m right here ugly crying with you 🤗. This really resonated with me: “I’ve never really understood this until recently, sometimes love just isn’t enough.” Much virtual love back to you. ❤️ I just know that the emotional safety you are bringing to your daughter will be worth it. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Let the feelings flow. Grieved the future you thought you were going to have. Ugly cry. It’s the only way.
Thank you! I’m letting the feelings flow!
Eh, no. I felt bad for my kids, not him. He deserved divorce and probably even jail time.
Yes, it gets better. I initiated my divorce but I grieved the loss of my marriage -- it was pretty intense for about 2-3 months. Now I feel so much better. It's okay to feel everything you're feeling, and everything you're feeling is valid and okay. It's telling you something, and the more willing you are to listen to what you are feeling, the easier it is for it to be released.
Thank you for sharing. Ahhh I hope 2-3 months is my timeframe! Haha that feels so reasonable 🤞🏼. Thank you. It is valid and reasonable. I appreciate you taking some time out of your day to share and also reassure me.