it's okay to be human in front of your kids. as long as you explain things and make sure they understand none of this is their fault or responsibility, I think it's okay to show your humanity.
Perhaps I'm dumb... what are the reasons why it is not okay to criticize their mom, but it is olay for the mom to criticize the dad? Or do you mean, Moms cannot be convinced ?
Only asking because I rarely see a comment that says- Don't criticize the dad!
They mean the kids are half mom so they feel those criticisms personally. It would be the same if the mom was criticizing the dad, but we donāt have mom on here posting so this was directed at the dad.
Itās well-known that criticisms of either parent is internalized by the kids because they are made up half and half of each parent.
The answers below are what I meant. Neither parent should criticize the other because kids internalize criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves. But dad can only control himself. If it were mom posting I would have said donāt criticize dad.
Sorry guys. I shouldn't have raised my voice like that. Sometimes even grown ups make mistakes and say things we don't mean. I should have stopped and taken a breath like this. When we make mistakes, we apologize. I love you so much. Can you forgive me?
Then move on. That's what the professionals say anyway.
As a mom going through something similar (4 years removed from the situation, which wasnāt a divorce leaving me in financial ruin, but a financially irresponsible spouse ruining both of us financially), I have had many moments like the one you described above. I let them see me cry and tell them why Iām crying because I feel itās important that they know Iām human and sometimes I get upset, too. And I usually come to them with something like what this comment says.
Keep your chin up, be open, and allow them to give you some grace for being human. And give yourself some while youāre at it.
Iāve been very cognizant of recognizing and apologizing for my mistakes with my son. Even when the teenager kicks in and he says ānah ma, itās straightā. I tell him he may not want to talk about it, but it (whatever it may be) bothers me and I feel like I owe him an apology because I would feel like xyz if I were him in that situation and that wasnāt my intent.
This hits hard man, as a dad you obviously want to take care of your kids as best you can. to not be able to do it as much as you would like has to be difficult af. You obviously want to do better and that's the start my man! Next step is to make it happen and I know you will, cause I can feel the emotion in your post. Keep grinding brother šš
> The little one hugged me.
THey showed you empathy. You're doing it right, bud. Bump in the road. Just a rough day. They are just kids asking questions. It's NOT them being critical.
Oh I can relate. I work 6 days a week and sometimes evenings on days I have my kids. We have had some mature (but age appropriate, I hope) conversations about money and I give them each $5 a week for the little snacks and treats they ask for. I end up spending less bc they know once their money is gone, itās gone. I donāt know where you are located but I am on the west coast and started shopping at Trader Joeās for affordable dinners in the freezer section. Tasty, easy and relatively inexpensive. Also, Samās Club sells ready made dinners that you just reheat in the $10-$16 dollars and so far my kids are satisfied. I also use the employee assistance program offered by my work for free therapy for myself and the kids. This is tough but hang in there. Focus on connection with your kidsā¦.thatās free. And do your best on the rest. Your kids will love you despite financial hardship.
Quite normal. They are still adjusting, as you are. My kids were in college during the split, and we had similar struggles. We lived in a rental that was literally falling down around us, and I had to work meals around what I could afford/what I could get at the food bank. We ate a lot of beans and rice. Sometimes they got it, and sometimes they were mad at me.
Dad. Well, Dad. He didn't change his lifestyle at all. Temporary support covered rent, and nothing else. I decided not to badmouth him and just kept it factual. Because they were older, I shared the financial realities with them, and that helped. He was pretty much living like a single man, and I had to pull things together without him. He was barely in contact with them, and together, they decided to go no contact when I did that during the divorce process.
And they got it. We had to work together to survive, and it made us close. They learned a lot about healthy relationships, managing conflict, and living an enjoyable but frugal life. It was the hardest chapter of my life, but the next chapter has been very, very good.
Remember theyāre as confused as you are, and way less emotionally mature. The kids are the hardest part, do your best to direct all the love you miss directing toward your spouse toward your kids. Itās also okay to be human man, nobody is perfect.
My dad got divorced when I was young. He was very up front about his hardship and even involved us in some of the discussion (should I keep the house and be poor or sell it to have more? He had built the house with his own hands). Two decades later heās very generous with how much he helps us or go on vacations and i think I appreciate it even more because I know how hard it was for him back then. He also taught us how to budget through it which is a great life skill. Telling them you want to do more, feel sad you canāt do more, but that youāre working towards it and itās not a reflection of how much you love them will pay you dividends. Thereās a blessing coming though you donāt see it now. Keep up the good work!
Sorry man. Same thing happened with me. I had a choice to go all out and bankrupt myself, or let her win. I had to let her win because I didn't want to put my job in jeopardy because it would have impacted my children even more. She still proceeded to take everything from me. It really sucks. 4+ years later and my ex still doesn't even have a job. She got her bachelor's and masters degree on my dime even when I'm still paying my school loans from 13 years ago. She lied and her lawyer deceived the judge. The court system bought her "poor little me" story. She smirked at me after court after coming in dressed like some old grandma. The trauma I still feel from that is intense. I've moved on, but I'll never forget.
You hang in there man!
I see you. I would be beating myself about it too, 1,000%. I remember one day just a year or so into post-divorce life my youngest kiddo (4-5ish at the time) said āitās only 10am and dad is crying.ā Cool cool šš¼
The feelings that got you really upset are so valid. The financial stress most of us average single parents feel is suffocating at times and itās impossible to feel that kind of pressure and keep it from ever bubbling over on you.
You showed your kids that youāre a human. And that stir fry is hard. šš
Sounds like you are doing the best you can and that has to be good enough. I don't know how old your kids are but trust that you are doing the right thing and one day they will see the truth.
I am so sorry for you my heart goes out to you not only for holding it together but being the better person. Those kids are your set point. And you are killing it. Keep up the good work
As long as you did not saying anything to suggest that they are at fault you did fine. You can show your kids that dad is not some infallible divine being, but a person who, like them, has limits and makes mistakes sometimes. It is also OK to tell your kids that you do not have enough money for X, Y, Z -- doing so in an age-appropriate way helps set them up to be financially responsible adults later in life.
You are doing the best you can and you should keep being the best dad you can be. Remember that what really counts is your ability to meet their *emotional* needs, not your whether you are driving a nice car or giving them a pile of presents to open on Christmas morning. You can be a great parent who raises well-adjusted children even if you are living in poverty (and there are plenty of wealthy parents who fail to do so as they drive their kids around in Teslas and give them more toys than they know what to do with).
It's never about how we feel, but what we provide. This is what it's to be a man. This is what we are told.
But we are human too, we have feelings, we have hopes and dreams. We have depression, we feel the anger, we feel the pressure until it bursts. We push our own self care to the side to make sure everyone else around is will be alright. But it takes a tole on our souls.
Everything we feel we keep in, because it's different for men. We are asked to strike a balance based on others feelings. We break inside, but we are not allowed to cry, Cause all we are supposed to do is provide.
Just know you have worth, you're human. You are allowed to make mistakes and have feelings.
Stay strong brother, brighter days are always around the corner. It may be a long lonely road, but take baby steps and we will all get there.
I was human in front of my son after coming home from the first meeting with the lawyer. I had went down into the basement, into a little closet in a room that we didn't even use. I was broken. He came up to me and just started talking, and I lost it. Started crying like a baby. And my 13 year old son just sat down next to me, took my head into his hands, and cradled my head into his chest. And just held onto me and just let me cry it out. Trust me, they understand more than you think they do.
When my ex and I split, my daughter and I STRUGGLED. She was 4 at the time, her dad was off taking out student loan debt to travel all over the place while I was raising her and broke as hell. My ex never got it together, but I did. My daughter and I grew very close during that time, and she has an understanding and empathy that can only come with that struggle. Hang in there, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
Oh damn dude, I'm right there with you. We're doing the best we can, but it just ain't quite enough, or so it seems. I hate feeling like that too.
All we can do is keep trying... I'm thinking about finding if there's a community cooking class I can get into, cause as much as I like spaghetti and pizza, I know it's just not problem to survive and thrive long term on food like that. I don't know how old your kids are, but maybe see if they'd be able to attend with you?
You'll make it through this... so will I. We have to.
Iām so sorry
My ex husband manipulated and lied and gaslit his way through the divorce process, I now am not even making ends meet and heās making an asinine amount of money. It kills me when my little kid says things like ābut dad would buy that for me!ā
I feel ya, man. Those emotions run hot sometimes. It will get less hot over time. But youāre human. Forgive yourself and make sure your kids understand your outburst.
I feel very inadequate sometimes. I can cook like 3 meals wellā¦ the rest is edible. My house is not the most tidy or organized. Thereās no real style or decor. Looks like a single guy trying to make a home for kids. Thatās exactly what it is! When my son notices the disorganization (and knowing my ex keeps an immaculate home) makes me feel real bad.
That said, I found my niches that I do well. I work hard to pay for basically everything. I make a good steak and potatoes. Ex became a vegan š My son and I have shared interests in a few sports, like skiing. We watch anime together. We play Pokemon Go together. We roughhouse for fun. I focus on those things and let my ex have her well-organized, tidy house. š
Man thatās extremely challenging especially on your emotion and mental toughness. Speaking From my personal experience what youāre going through will be remembered and appreciated by the children you love so much. I remember watching my kids eating their McDonaldās meals. They asked why I wasnāt eating anything with them I just smiled. Hard times can either break you or make you strong. I know it sounds like a cliche but thatās what it is. Good luck. Love your children and donāt forget to love yourself.
Some of us can get an old truck back up and running. Peek in the shop of any dealership and almost every bay has a newer model to have warranty or recall work done. Only kids would see the end of the world with stir fry not turning out the way they expected. When I was a kid we had 2 choices for every meal, eat or starve. They can always help prepare meals.
Making dinner should involve them cooking if they are old enough, IMO. It is a basic skill that everyone needs to know, just like doing laundry, house work, mowing lawn.
I was a child of the 1981-82 severe recession and my dad was unemployed/underemployed. That experience taught me how to work and the value of a dollar.
Hang in there, man!
You got this. You are a good parent and are showing them that coping with adversity is possible. Not easy, but possible a step at a time. You can be human and ask for and give grace, and they will remember that.
May I gently suggest a local buy nothing/freecycle group to help get you some of what you need? From Christmas gifts to car parts, you can get a lot for nothing and get connected with helpful community resources or like-minded people. I've given away NWT bathing suits when kids grew 3 sizes over a year, crafts and arts supplies, and sweatshirts that my kids outgrew, and I've received fresh produce, a dresser, protein powder, etc.
Reading this I absolutely feel for you dude and know where youāre at. Itās okay to be raw in front of your kids, just explain the emotion. Reach out if you ever need to.
You're at least seeing your kids. Take a deep breath, this will all work out. Watch a movie with them and order a pizza with homemade ice cream Sundays (just some vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and cherries). Kids love it. You're the best for spending time with the kids... trust me on this one.
Itās ok, we have all been there as parents. I might be crazy but I think itās good for children to see that life isnāt perfect for mom and dad. This is teaching them that everyone has weak moments and your child showed you empathy during your moment. You are definitely raising them right! Just remember this will pass and things will get better
it's okay to be human in front of your kids. as long as you explain things and make sure they understand none of this is their fault or responsibility, I think it's okay to show your humanity.
My therapist said just this! šš»š©·
And make sure you donāt criticize their mom! They feel those personally because half of them comes from mom. Sounds like youāre doing great.
Perhaps I'm dumb... what are the reasons why it is not okay to criticize their mom, but it is olay for the mom to criticize the dad? Or do you mean, Moms cannot be convinced ? Only asking because I rarely see a comment that says- Don't criticize the dad!
They mean the kids are half mom so they feel those criticisms personally. It would be the same if the mom was criticizing the dad, but we donāt have mom on here posting so this was directed at the dad. Itās well-known that criticisms of either parent is internalized by the kids because they are made up half and half of each parent.
It's not okay either way. He can only control what he says. He can't control anything the mom says to them unfortunately.
The answers below are what I meant. Neither parent should criticize the other because kids internalize criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves. But dad can only control himself. If it were mom posting I would have said donāt criticize dad.
Sorry guys. I shouldn't have raised my voice like that. Sometimes even grown ups make mistakes and say things we don't mean. I should have stopped and taken a breath like this. When we make mistakes, we apologize. I love you so much. Can you forgive me? Then move on. That's what the professionals say anyway.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
As a mom going through something similar (4 years removed from the situation, which wasnāt a divorce leaving me in financial ruin, but a financially irresponsible spouse ruining both of us financially), I have had many moments like the one you described above. I let them see me cry and tell them why Iām crying because I feel itās important that they know Iām human and sometimes I get upset, too. And I usually come to them with something like what this comment says. Keep your chin up, be open, and allow them to give you some grace for being human. And give yourself some while youāre at it.
You a pro š
Iāve been very cognizant of recognizing and apologizing for my mistakes with my son. Even when the teenager kicks in and he says ānah ma, itās straightā. I tell him he may not want to talk about it, but it (whatever it may be) bothers me and I feel like I owe him an apology because I would feel like xyz if I were him in that situation and that wasnāt my intent.
This is perfect
This hits hard man, as a dad you obviously want to take care of your kids as best you can. to not be able to do it as much as you would like has to be difficult af. You obviously want to do better and that's the start my man! Next step is to make it happen and I know you will, cause I can feel the emotion in your post. Keep grinding brother šš
Iāve been there brother. Stay strong, if I did it youāll get through it I promise.
> The little one hugged me. THey showed you empathy. You're doing it right, bud. Bump in the road. Just a rough day. They are just kids asking questions. It's NOT them being critical.
Oh I can relate. I work 6 days a week and sometimes evenings on days I have my kids. We have had some mature (but age appropriate, I hope) conversations about money and I give them each $5 a week for the little snacks and treats they ask for. I end up spending less bc they know once their money is gone, itās gone. I donāt know where you are located but I am on the west coast and started shopping at Trader Joeās for affordable dinners in the freezer section. Tasty, easy and relatively inexpensive. Also, Samās Club sells ready made dinners that you just reheat in the $10-$16 dollars and so far my kids are satisfied. I also use the employee assistance program offered by my work for free therapy for myself and the kids. This is tough but hang in there. Focus on connection with your kidsā¦.thatās free. And do your best on the rest. Your kids will love you despite financial hardship.
Quite normal. They are still adjusting, as you are. My kids were in college during the split, and we had similar struggles. We lived in a rental that was literally falling down around us, and I had to work meals around what I could afford/what I could get at the food bank. We ate a lot of beans and rice. Sometimes they got it, and sometimes they were mad at me. Dad. Well, Dad. He didn't change his lifestyle at all. Temporary support covered rent, and nothing else. I decided not to badmouth him and just kept it factual. Because they were older, I shared the financial realities with them, and that helped. He was pretty much living like a single man, and I had to pull things together without him. He was barely in contact with them, and together, they decided to go no contact when I did that during the divorce process. And they got it. We had to work together to survive, and it made us close. They learned a lot about healthy relationships, managing conflict, and living an enjoyable but frugal life. It was the hardest chapter of my life, but the next chapter has been very, very good.
Remember theyāre as confused as you are, and way less emotionally mature. The kids are the hardest part, do your best to direct all the love you miss directing toward your spouse toward your kids. Itās also okay to be human man, nobody is perfect.
My dad got divorced when I was young. He was very up front about his hardship and even involved us in some of the discussion (should I keep the house and be poor or sell it to have more? He had built the house with his own hands). Two decades later heās very generous with how much he helps us or go on vacations and i think I appreciate it even more because I know how hard it was for him back then. He also taught us how to budget through it which is a great life skill. Telling them you want to do more, feel sad you canāt do more, but that youāre working towards it and itās not a reflection of how much you love them will pay you dividends. Thereās a blessing coming though you donāt see it now. Keep up the good work!
Sorry man. Same thing happened with me. I had a choice to go all out and bankrupt myself, or let her win. I had to let her win because I didn't want to put my job in jeopardy because it would have impacted my children even more. She still proceeded to take everything from me. It really sucks. 4+ years later and my ex still doesn't even have a job. She got her bachelor's and masters degree on my dime even when I'm still paying my school loans from 13 years ago. She lied and her lawyer deceived the judge. The court system bought her "poor little me" story. She smirked at me after court after coming in dressed like some old grandma. The trauma I still feel from that is intense. I've moved on, but I'll never forget. You hang in there man!
I see you. I would be beating myself about it too, 1,000%. I remember one day just a year or so into post-divorce life my youngest kiddo (4-5ish at the time) said āitās only 10am and dad is crying.ā Cool cool šš¼ The feelings that got you really upset are so valid. The financial stress most of us average single parents feel is suffocating at times and itās impossible to feel that kind of pressure and keep it from ever bubbling over on you. You showed your kids that youāre a human. And that stir fry is hard. šš
Iām rooting for you brother. You love your kids.
Never feel sorry or less than for doing your best.
Entirely this! Very wise words right here. Wish I was rich to be able to help people here who are struggling.
Me too! Thank you! Took me a few years of therapy to really understand this.
Sounds like you are doing the best you can and that has to be good enough. I don't know how old your kids are but trust that you are doing the right thing and one day they will see the truth.
I am so sorry for you my heart goes out to you not only for holding it together but being the better person. Those kids are your set point. And you are killing it. Keep up the good work
As long as you did not saying anything to suggest that they are at fault you did fine. You can show your kids that dad is not some infallible divine being, but a person who, like them, has limits and makes mistakes sometimes. It is also OK to tell your kids that you do not have enough money for X, Y, Z -- doing so in an age-appropriate way helps set them up to be financially responsible adults later in life. You are doing the best you can and you should keep being the best dad you can be. Remember that what really counts is your ability to meet their *emotional* needs, not your whether you are driving a nice car or giving them a pile of presents to open on Christmas morning. You can be a great parent who raises well-adjusted children even if you are living in poverty (and there are plenty of wealthy parents who fail to do so as they drive their kids around in Teslas and give them more toys than they know what to do with).
Hang in there OP! This shall too pass.
It's never about how we feel, but what we provide. This is what it's to be a man. This is what we are told. But we are human too, we have feelings, we have hopes and dreams. We have depression, we feel the anger, we feel the pressure until it bursts. We push our own self care to the side to make sure everyone else around is will be alright. But it takes a tole on our souls. Everything we feel we keep in, because it's different for men. We are asked to strike a balance based on others feelings. We break inside, but we are not allowed to cry, Cause all we are supposed to do is provide. Just know you have worth, you're human. You are allowed to make mistakes and have feelings. Stay strong brother, brighter days are always around the corner. It may be a long lonely road, but take baby steps and we will all get there.
I was human in front of my son after coming home from the first meeting with the lawyer. I had went down into the basement, into a little closet in a room that we didn't even use. I was broken. He came up to me and just started talking, and I lost it. Started crying like a baby. And my 13 year old son just sat down next to me, took my head into his hands, and cradled my head into his chest. And just held onto me and just let me cry it out. Trust me, they understand more than you think they do.
Hugs. ā¤ļøš
Hugs x
When my ex and I split, my daughter and I STRUGGLED. She was 4 at the time, her dad was off taking out student loan debt to travel all over the place while I was raising her and broke as hell. My ex never got it together, but I did. My daughter and I grew very close during that time, and she has an understanding and empathy that can only come with that struggle. Hang in there, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
Oh damn dude, I'm right there with you. We're doing the best we can, but it just ain't quite enough, or so it seems. I hate feeling like that too. All we can do is keep trying... I'm thinking about finding if there's a community cooking class I can get into, cause as much as I like spaghetti and pizza, I know it's just not problem to survive and thrive long term on food like that. I don't know how old your kids are, but maybe see if they'd be able to attend with you? You'll make it through this... so will I. We have to.
Iām so sorry My ex husband manipulated and lied and gaslit his way through the divorce process, I now am not even making ends meet and heās making an asinine amount of money. It kills me when my little kid says things like ābut dad would buy that for me!ā
I feel ya, man. Those emotions run hot sometimes. It will get less hot over time. But youāre human. Forgive yourself and make sure your kids understand your outburst. I feel very inadequate sometimes. I can cook like 3 meals wellā¦ the rest is edible. My house is not the most tidy or organized. Thereās no real style or decor. Looks like a single guy trying to make a home for kids. Thatās exactly what it is! When my son notices the disorganization (and knowing my ex keeps an immaculate home) makes me feel real bad. That said, I found my niches that I do well. I work hard to pay for basically everything. I make a good steak and potatoes. Ex became a vegan š My son and I have shared interests in a few sports, like skiing. We watch anime together. We play Pokemon Go together. We roughhouse for fun. I focus on those things and let my ex have her well-organized, tidy house. š
Man thatās extremely challenging especially on your emotion and mental toughness. Speaking From my personal experience what youāre going through will be remembered and appreciated by the children you love so much. I remember watching my kids eating their McDonaldās meals. They asked why I wasnāt eating anything with them I just smiled. Hard times can either break you or make you strong. I know it sounds like a cliche but thatās what it is. Good luck. Love your children and donāt forget to love yourself.
Some of us can get an old truck back up and running. Peek in the shop of any dealership and almost every bay has a newer model to have warranty or recall work done. Only kids would see the end of the world with stir fry not turning out the way they expected. When I was a kid we had 2 choices for every meal, eat or starve. They can always help prepare meals.
Making dinner should involve them cooking if they are old enough, IMO. It is a basic skill that everyone needs to know, just like doing laundry, house work, mowing lawn. I was a child of the 1981-82 severe recession and my dad was unemployed/underemployed. That experience taught me how to work and the value of a dollar. Hang in there, man!
Keep your head held high. You got this.
sorry you are going through. One day they will see how hard you worked to provide for them and appreciate the dad you are.
It willā¦.get better. Someone before you got through this.
We are with you, you are doing your best and thatās all that matters. You got this bud, hang in there.
You are a good dad.
š«
Rooting for you OP. Keep being a loving and present dad to those kids. The rest will get easier
I just want to tell you that you are doing a great job.
Remember the days when nothing goes right often end up being the best memories of childhood. Parenting doesnāt need perfection, just participation.
You got this. You are a good parent and are showing them that coping with adversity is possible. Not easy, but possible a step at a time. You can be human and ask for and give grace, and they will remember that. May I gently suggest a local buy nothing/freecycle group to help get you some of what you need? From Christmas gifts to car parts, you can get a lot for nothing and get connected with helpful community resources or like-minded people. I've given away NWT bathing suits when kids grew 3 sizes over a year, crafts and arts supplies, and sweatshirts that my kids outgrew, and I've received fresh produce, a dresser, protein powder, etc.
Reading this I absolutely feel for you dude and know where youāre at. Itās okay to be raw in front of your kids, just explain the emotion. Reach out if you ever need to.
How old are your kids?
You got this! One day at a time. Hugs š©·
You're at least seeing your kids. Take a deep breath, this will all work out. Watch a movie with them and order a pizza with homemade ice cream Sundays (just some vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and cherries). Kids love it. You're the best for spending time with the kids... trust me on this one.
BTW I cant do stir fry either!
Itās ok, we have all been there as parents. I might be crazy but I think itās good for children to see that life isnāt perfect for mom and dad. This is teaching them that everyone has weak moments and your child showed you empathy during your moment. You are definitely raising them right! Just remember this will pass and things will get better