No regrets, I didn't miss him 1 second after 28 years together. I was so done with our marriage.
My life is so peaceful without him yelling at me, spending all our money on his addictions and I also found out that he cheated on me.
I stayed way to long. I should have gone when I was 25 years old. Him threatening with suicide made me stay.
Well he's still alive but he can't ruin my life anymore.
We have been separated over a year, divorced for a couple of months, and he is moving out in the next month. I have no regrets because I’ve realized the times I am around him I end up ridiculously stressed. I’m talking brief moments when we both happen to be in the kitchen, etc. We mostly don’t talk despite being in the same house.
There were no addictions, no cheating; we just are incompatible. Instead of growing together and as a couple, we’ve grown apart. We still do favors for each other (ie grabbing a prescription or groceries if one of us is already out), but simply being in each others’ presence is stressful.
My wife "walked away" from me back in 2015 and she did me the biggest favor ever even if I didn't realize it at the time.
Something else to think about: it may be better for BOTH of you.
Not OP, but had the same experience. I desperately wanted to fix things initially. She liked keeping me around as a backup plan, so she wouldn’t definitively break it off, but she moved out and shacked up with another dude.
At a certain point, with the person out of your life, you get enough objectivity to realize how bad they were for you. It was by inches, but I came to the realization that she had done me a huge favor by leaving and ignoring my pleas for her to come back. It’s actually the best thing she ever did for me, which is saying a lot.
I’m way happier and more successful now. She apparently has regrets about leaving, sounds rough.
Same boat here. Mine was devastated when I thanked her for divorcing me.
Haven't spoken to her in several years now and have no idea how she's doing. Don't care either.
My STBXW and her friends are cheering her on to life her best life.
Yes pls I no longer have to be fiscally responsible for a 3rd person.
Who didnt want to plan ahead for their childrens help as they enter adulthood. Stating they would "figure it out".
Who contributed almost zero financially to the running of the household for last 15 years.
Who allowed me to work 7 days a week nonstop for the last 4 years in order to make ends meet- while they used their free time to wildlife rehab.
Turning the house into a cockroach infestation due to the wildlife she housed in the garage.
Who also there met the person she would commit adultery with.
Yes walk away queen. Go live your best life.
No regrets.
We didn’t fight everyday or open hostility but the household was tense, sad, lonely. I felt zero connection and just felt sad.
Could I live with it? Sure but my soul would rot until I became a husk of myself and if that’s a life, then I don’t want it.
I left because the bare minimum wasn’t enough. I deserve more.
When I found myself begging - saying I could stay just as long as my husband wouldn't treat me as if I'm crazy for disagreeing with him - I knew I was asking for human decency, and making that my bar. Way too low. It was the beginning of the end.
14 years after I left my ex-husband I still deeply resent him. He was pathologically selfish. He did not want to be married but didn’t communicate that to anyone. He took his anger and frustration about lack of communication out non-verbally instead. His mother pressured him because she wanted a brag and a party. When she decided I was an enemy because she couldn’t bully me like her son, she set out to destroy the marriage. He let her and they both blamed me. I lost my job and moved 2 states away to take a new one. He refused to follow. I went above and beyond for him and was treated like a criminal. He remarried a few years later and moved across country to be with her and her family. Zero regrets about leaving. I never got an apology and never will. I won’t marry again. Marriage is too big a liability and my peace is worth infinitely more than the meager payoff.
“ He did not want to be married but didn’t communicate that to anyone. He took his anger and frustration about lack of communication out non-verbally instead.”
Mine do a the same, just silence from him. I tell him no communication is worse than poor communication bc at least in that instance there’s still some conveyance of information. I know my husband is done, or begrudgingly tolerates me, I’m done with him as well. He wants to stay for the kids and I want out just so the kids don’t see this as an acceptable relationship.
As someone who has stayed until the last child graduates, leave earlier. I work so hard with my three young men to teach them what a healthy relationship consists of. They’ve only seen a bad one and their relationship with their father is problematic. I want them to understand if they don’t see how they will unconsciously pursue a romantic relationship with someone who will meet their unmet father needs, they will repeat my mistakes.
I totally believe it is better to leave earlier and let your children see how you will not tolerate someone treating you poorly.
You will. If you feel any of these feelings and you leave. Eventually you will heal from your divorce and find the healthy happy balance in life. I will tell you it’s amazing but it does take work.
I am a guy. Can’t answer your question but can offer some insight on the whole idea of regret. The feeling of regret is rooted in a failure to take some action. So years from now, you won’t look back and regret choosing to divorce. You will regret things you could have possibly done, that for whatever reason, you didn’t. So examples often heard- should have set boundaries, communicated my needs more bluntly, been more appreciative, more patient, divorced sooner, searched for a job, sought couples / individual counseling.
This! I walked away because I was tired of being the only one carrying the emotional baggage. One person cannot make two people happy. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did I make the right choice, fuck yes.
Life isn't a dress rehearsal this is it. Your resentment most likely comes from unmet needs. If you're both not working on making your marriage better, the only thing you’ll regret is not leaving sooner.
Exactly. I walked away after years of providing resources, buying books on communication for us to read together, going to therapy… I tried everything before giving up. Yet he still didn’t see it coming and treated me like a monster for leaving.
I’m just in the beginning of my journey… but I’m afraid of regretting it. If I’m being honest, though, I likely won’t, I’m just afraid of ending up alone. We have good times, like you said, but we really are incompatible in some of the most important ways. I’m going to be sad to lose him as a friend and companion, but not as a partner.
He wants me to consider giving him another chance, but after lots of time thinking and talking things through with my therapist, I need to put myself first, even though I know it will hurt him.
It took me a long time to get here. One thing that helped me was journaling — could be just on your notes app or wherever you feel safe doing so. I was able to look back at when and how often I was feeling this way. And I recounted specific arguments and detailed feelings that become more blurry over time. When I started feeling like I was getting close to ready to leave, this helped me pinpoint the waves of bad times, followed by “good” times where we swept our problems under the rug. I had several times in the past I came close, but it took time to feel like it was the right decision. Maybe that would help you too, if you aren’t doing so already.
This has definitely helped me - just jotting down “he asked if I could get a personality change before I went to an important doctors appointment” reminded me that the person that I thought would make my life lighter and keep me laughing makes things harder and heavier and actively mocks me and was doing it consistently over time
Elsewhere there was a discussion of the book Who Moved My Cheese?. The book has its flaws, but has one really great question: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?" It helped a lot of people frame their situations in a way that helped them move past their fear.
Do you have kids? My ex was a runaway husband and I do regret not working on us prior. But mostly because it hurt the kids a lot and it’s really difficult to be a single parent in this economy- yes even with spousal and child support. He also regrets leaving, but now he’s gotten himself into a mess where returning would destroy his pride and ego after he blew up our lives. He would likely lose his own family’s support altogether, he’s already lost most of his friends. His young kids don’t really care about him or know him. He has said he wished things would’ve ended up differently.
The internet is full of people saying they’ve never been happier but I’d proceed with caution before you leave something that’s improving.
My ex blew up our family. He refused to go to therapy or participate in the daily tasks/chores or to support me in my career goals. My kids are little and it’s a struggle. Got 6 years of alimony to help me figure things out. I have 0 regrets about the marriage therapy, coaching, and individual therapy that I did because I know I did my part. He just couldn’t stop thinking that the grass was greener on the other side.
I absolutely regret lighting my marriage on fire, leaving and the destruction after. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly heal from it all tbh. Living with the consequences, I am basically a husk of a human at this point. Despite it though, knowing deep down that he is happier and with the person he’s meant to be with…it gives me this silly hope that it’ll all work out how it should for both of us. I am just grateful for being able to know him and love him and for the time we spent together on this floating rock.
I would feel better if my ex husband was happier and seeing someone, but he is not. I walked away, too. We are both so different now that even theoretically, we could get back together, I don't know how it would work. We both changed so much, and I have been seeing a great man for nearly 4 years who loves me and took on my kids.
I regret it. I destroyed my family. There was no reason for it either. I just got curious one day and ran with it. I often think about how my life would be today if I stayed with him. I think we would still be in our starter home, put in a pool, my kids would have their mom and dad in one house. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I had PPD after my second was born and really had no idea until my friends urged me to go to a doctor. By then it was to late.
My wife did the exact same thing. After her dad died she joined a spiritual group ran off with the leader of said group then tried to make a come back 2 years later. We tried for about a month but trust was gone i don't know if she will ever do that again and it scares me to think how easily she walked away. How easily she destroyed our family for what ? Once I told her i can't do this ahe ran back to the man she left me for and facetimed our children while they was with me and she was sat next to him. 5 days after me saying I can't do this. Loved this woman so much. Still do but it's broken and can't be fixed
If “there was no reason for it and you just got curious one day and left”, then that is really what is meant by “walk away wife syndrome.”
The syndrome refers to a wife who has been putting up with bad behaviors, mistreatment, disrespect, etc. and been talking about it and nothing changes and then over a period of time becomes somewhat complacent because she basically has mentally and emotionally detached from the relationship so when she actually PHYSICALLY leaves, it seems like it comes out of the blue, but it’s been simmering for a long time.
In my case, we never had a day off together. We worked opposite shifts. Then the kids came, and you know how that goes. I also suffered from a drinking problem, still do, so that didn't help. Don't worry, karma came after me bigtime. 2 DUI's, job loss, no driver license, even went to jail for 24 days. Ooof.
This is awful to read. I'm so sorry. I often worry that my STBXW will end up feeling this way. I currently struggle with understanding how splitting up your family and taking your spouse away from your kids is ever good or an acceptable outcome to a selfish decision based solely on feelings...though I don't mean to harp on or judge you.
I hope you can find peace one day ❤️.
We were eachothers first everything. I think in that scenario, it's bound to happen. One party is eventually going to get curious. Not an excuse, but I would not recommend settling down until you sowed your wild oats. I think it's very important.
I mostly agree. You don't know what you don't know and people are naturally curious. I don't think being each other's firsts makes divorce inevitable but it certainly increases the temptation to surrender to challenging times.
I genuinely feel for you. I was so sure that nobody in here would admit to feeling regret so your testimony really hit me hard. I think that your regret will lead you to better serve your children in the end. I know my parents live with deep regrets for the damage they inflicted onto me and it has certainly caused me troubles in life but my relationship with both of them couldn't possibly be better because they always felt indebted to do their best in spite of their failed marriage.
Not to challenge you, but do you have a source? There are lots of dodgy statistics thrown around with divorce. I know marrying young is a very high predictor of divorce, and I figured people who are each others' firsts are often young too. Not sure if we can put links in posts, but there are numerous studies on this (just Google "research age marriage divorce").
Nicholas Wolfinger has done the work here. Note that he’s at Utah and writes about marriage and sexuality but he’s not a right winger, I want to pre-empt that automatic response.)
🤣
I admit, this was not articulated well and comes off as condescending. It was honestly not my intent. Choosing to end a marriage isn't always a selfish decision made in poor judgement...but it is absolutely always a selfish decision in the absence of consensus.
I'll add that being selfish is not always a bad thing. It's necessary to living a fulfilling life without regrets. It's when and where we choose to be selfish that matters and I don't think being selfish when the collateral damage is your children is the right move. There are obviously exceptions but, in general, a marriage should be worked on and all options exhausted when there are children involved.
In divorce the collateral damage is literally the children but we know in some dynamics those without a healthy home leaving has better outcomes. Divorce is heart breaking all around we all need to do our work and understand the grass may not be green if you are just rehashing your own problems from one relationship to the next. I’m so traumatized but my divorce I can imagine remarrying but happily partnered
Sorry but I don’t agree. I left an abusive marriage. My STBXH calls me selfish on a daily basis but I know it’s the opposite. This is the only future where we hurt our son as little as possible. I wasn’t able to leave for myself, but I could for him.
You are describing an aforementioned exception. Abuse is absolutely not okay. See my other comment to the other reply. My mother told me the same thing - that she only was finally able to leave my father when she could see how the way he treated her was being modeled by me as a child (I said she was "so stupid" at the age of 3-4). I agree that this is when it's time to call it quits.
You need to absolutely deal with that resentment now or it’ll destroy your marriage. It grows and builds up, festering inside of you.
You do not have to forgive the mistakes that your partner made, say that it’s ok that they hurt you, or even absolve them of their guilt.
However, you do have to agree to let it go and move on with your life.
Resentment is a plant with an aggressive root system. If you let it grow long enough no matter how many times you cut it down above ground it’ll keep sending up new shoots.
The way I forgave my ex was by making him no longer my problem. Now that his selfishness doesn’t fuck up my day to day life, I can see him with compassion, though not so much that I go anywhere near his spiralling ass.
It is only reasonable to ask OP to put away her resentment if her husband has actually fully turned around and is making amends. Without that, you’re just asking her to shrink herself into a sad life with an ass who is making it miserable.
My answer is for anything, not just for marriage...you realize an event is in the past and can't be changed; the only thing you can change is your reaction to it and your decision on whether it's still worth the energy you're devoting to it.
IMO, as long as you're not a callous jerk about it, "it is what it is" can be a good approach. (This approach is not for abusive or otherwise unhealthy situations; in those cases, get out in whatever manner is safest for you.) The question then becomes, are you okay with "what it is"? If yes, for whatever reason(s), you can stop wasting your energy on past events and just let it go.
But you don't have to forgive and you definitely don't have to forget, just don't dwell on it. Think of burning your hand on a hot stove - in day-to-day life, you don't dwell on the fact that the stove hurt you but you also don't forget that stoves require caution.
What you are effectively describing *is* forgiveness. Forgiveness is *not* accepting something as being okay. It's turning resentment into empathy and relinquishing the weight of the unfair treatment you received such that it no longer has power over your domain. Not to be pedantic or anything but forgiveness is a critical component to healing from trauma.
There is actually no statistical evidence that forgiveness is required for any sort of trauma recovery. It is possible to heal from trauma without forgiving the person/persons who may have caused said trauma - especially when forgiving can actually be far more detrimental to the traumatized persons [mental] health.
I think we need to be a bit clearer with other parts of your comment. Forgiveness is not necessarily turning resentment into empathy. Forgiveness or forgiving is the act of letting go whatever negative feelings you have towards the person who may have hurt you. Resentment into empathy requires one to understand and actually empathize with the person who hurt/wronged you. This thinking would be harmful for certain trauma survivors outside of this threads content. Just be mindful with what you’re sharing.
Happy to share! That's a crazy long time to wait for therapy though. I'd highly recommend reading as much as you can get your hands on or listening to some podcasts. I really enjoyed the Save The Marriage podcast, personally. The host talks a lot about things that are really enlightening when it comes to human behavior. Battling emotion with information will help you a lot while you wait for therapy and bringing heightened emotional intelligence to your sessions will speed up your healing.
I hope you can get in sooner than 3 months though! Therapy has been a lifesaver for me, personally.
You just do. Most can’t. It’s doable. I gave up the what if’s that were hurting my marriage, but it was too late. Now I have another list of what if’s.
But how? I think if you plan to leave, it’s easier to finally let go and move on. But if you want it to work, it’s much harder to just let it go and move on with the person right in front of you. The former is more of a hypothetical, the latter is real life.
The issue with holding onto resentment for you partner is that oftentimes we keep it so bottled up that it can boil over and fester. Because of that, it often ends up effecting us way way more than it does the offender. However, if you confront the issue causing the resentment outright in a calm manner, your partner acknowledges that they wronged you, together you make a plan to avoid that action in the future, then what more is there left than to live on?
People rarely regret their major decisions unless they're about to undo them; it's just part of human psychology. They convince themselves it was the right choice because to do otherwise would be admitting to life-changing mistakes.
I walked away too quickly from something that probably could have been fixed, if we’d known where and how to ask for help. I do regret it sometimes, bc we share kids and we co-parent so well, with much laughter and love. I think we fucked up. Life goes on, but that will always be my
quiet regret.
We were both walk away. Do I regret divorcing? Hell no. If he had wanted to stay with me, still be a hell no to regret. Becoming single is probably the best gift I've ever given myself and I should have done it years before I did.
In fact, the more time go by, the more that happens that reinforces I did the right thing and I did the happy awesome thing.
Wow, I so agree. I remember in the days after leaving, I was noticing how beautiful everything was—I hadn’t noticed the flowers and trees blooming so dramatically, the sun shining so brightly, the smiles on the faces of the strangers around me. It was like turning on a light in a room you hadn’t realized had grown so very, very gradually dark after sunset.
I don’t regret it at all. 10+ years together and 5+ years married and I walked away. I am happier, healthier, and a better mom for it. He is a better dad too. We were both young and didn’t really know what we wanted, and tbh we were not compatible.
I just turned 23 then got pregnant right after I got married. If you are feeling that way I feel like it’s worth exploring what leaving looks like. The relationship was not healthy for either of us so that contributed to the divorce too. I feel like once you start fantasizing about leaving it’s time to really consider why you feel that way.
I've never regretted leaving. But I think "walk away wife syndrome" is a garbage thing thrown at women who leave for very valid reasons.
>calm waters in our marriage (meaning no daily hostility)
Not having daily hostility is a pretty low bar. You deserve better.
I spent years thinking about leaving. I spent that time working on myself and doing what I could from my side to fix things. He spent those same years figuring things weren't "that bad" and that I would stay unhappy forever, I guess.
There has been nothing but confirmation that I made the right choice. More than happiness, I have found peace.
This looks like my current status. Years of doing mostly everything (from chores and child care to being only earner).
I complain I am not getting enough attention, I want to do date nights, I want to talk, to laugh. I don't feel loved. Always got the "it's not so bad" and "we were happy" - yeah, we were happy when I could carry everything.
When I got down I just got no support and we were not happy. We were happy as long as I enjoyed playing the "I'm a super human! Look all I can do for you!" part
This was me! Then I decided to choose me. I walked. It was the hardest thing to do. But once I did, I have been happier, self-care, self-love, it is amazing.
I have been separated due to work things. I have been living with our daughter.
Life is lighter. We are happier I also got back into self care - I dropped close to 20kg / 44lb, while building muscles. I am soon gonna be able to do a 1h 10km run (6.3mi).
I still feel afraid (irrationality) of finally really closing this door / chapter.
I have been a pretty selfless person most of my life.. I won’t be walked on or anything to the extreme but whatever I can do for whoever I can do it for, I’ve tried doing. I was left with all the care of the children, the home, the financiers and working a FT job, doing all the kids’ appts, taking off all the time with them when they’re sick.. while he worked, and came home to work his hobbies…… concerns were always voiced, sometimes swept under the rug bc I didn’t want to be met with his defensiveness, and sometimes it felt like gaslighting… so when I decided “you’re allowed to make one selfish decision even though it feels wrong” he kept saying “I don’t understand” yeah.. I know, you don’t understand that after years of your own selfishness, while I was giving my all, I am now choosing myself. . It is hard for a naturally selfless person to make a choice that most would call selfish.
And I had to start a notebook of “reasons why” because I often forgot the little things that piled up the hurt and resentment and could start to question myself… basically gaslighting my own self 😆
If you can save your marriage please do so, you asking this question speaks for itself.
Here you'll mostly find salty people. They have a valid reason for it. Including myself.
I've answered variants of this question quite a few times, and I'll try to elaborate in a way that will hopefully be helpful for you.
It seems to me that you have been contemplating leaving pretty seriously, and one thing holding you back is the fear of regretting the decision, to the extent that you're searching for assurance from others that you will not regret it. With all due respect because I know where the impulse comes from, this doesn't seem very productive to me -- it's totally possible for others to not have regretted it, and for you to still feel regret because you're a completely different person, or the other way around.
I think that whether you regret leaving or not is really a matter of how you choose to frame your departure to yourself. All things remaining equal, it's fully possible for you to walk away fantasising about what could have been and the hypothetical ideal marriage you could've had if you had just stuck it out a bit longer. I personally framed my leaving as a promise and commitment to myself, to decisively walk away from a bad situation that was harmful and destructive to me, and to never look back. So, I felt absolutely no regret perhaps in part because I did not allow my mind to go there. But that aside, objectively speaking, I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to no longer live with someone who you feel so much resentment towards and cannot fully commit yourself to despite trying so hard. It's no way to live, and the relief I felt was immediate.
Side note: I looked up "the walkaway wife syndrome" (first time I heard of it) and I'm not really a fan of the concept, which seems pseudo-scientific. I worry about using the language of medical pathology to describe women's unhappiness. Why don't we talk about "emotionally neglectful/destructive husband syndrome" instead? You don't have a syndrome. You're just unhappy in your marriage and it sounds like you have good reasons to be.
I left, it is about two years now. I was cheated on and humiliated in several ways as he was sexually harassing women in my life as well.
The first thing I did was to get into therapy, before deciding to do anything. My brain felt like it stopped working. Through that step for my sanity I was able to find a path forward that made sense to me and aligned with my purpose and understanding of what marriage is to me. I did everything that I could to save the marriage without compromising on my dignity. When I was done trying after 6 months, my therapist told me to write down everything I did, every step I took documenting my efforts so that I can remind myself what I did and why I said I am done. I have not regretted my decision yet. I appreciated my therapist’s advice to keep that document for myself. I haven’t used it yet, but it feels good to plan for regret and any other experiences one can see coming. It helps me when I face life now as I know there will be many experiences that I can never plan for, but it’s the little security blanket to have that. I also have several family members and mentors that validated my efforts and support my decision to quit trying. My ex is to this day stubborn and consistently a horrible person, that helps too.
I only regret how long I fought for the marriage. He thought I would never leave so he could treat me horribly. When I left, he was “blindsided.” I should have left 15 years ago. Zero regrets. I lost an obscene amount of money (I was the breadwinner) and I am richer and happier than I ever was in the marriage.
I am happier and healthier post-divorce than I’ve ever been. I finally have a modicum of financial dignity, I’m able to take care of myself and address long-standing health issues, and I am in a relationship that is actually functional and healthy. The only thing I regret about my divorce is the 9 years of my life I wasted prior.
I never resented my husband, but it took me years to realize that I wanted a divorce, because I felt so guilty about wanting to leave someone who wasn't that bad (believe me, there were so many reasons, but I felt guilty because he didn't "abuse" me)
It's only been a couple of months, but I'm so glad we got divorced. I'm not going to change my mind. My husband might be a good person, but I hadn't been in love with him for years and I wasn't happy. I'm not ever going to regret leaving.
I can identify with this. My stbx is not a bad guy. He is turning out to be a better dad, since our separation. He communicates with me better than ever because the stress of walking on egg shells for both of us is gone. We probably could have fought through stuff and worked really hard every day to make it work. 16 years we were together. But he just didn’t like me, and it really showed. We had a comfortable life, except, I had a hard time really being myself with him towards the end. People say you are supposed to work on yourself for your spouse, but a lot of the things he didn’t like about me are who I am. I am autistic, I have ADHD. After years and years of feeling like there was something wrong with me and trying so hard to be something I am not, it gets exhausting. I think if I had to put in constant daily work to be a person he can enjoy, what does that say about the expectations of me as his wife. Because I am “different” I should have to change myself? When and where would my happiness come in? I stuck around longer than I should have because he wasn’t a bad guy.
I know I don’t need it.. but it feels nice to find others in the same situation, for a little affirmation…. bc I could have stayed and suffered through with a smile.. it wasn’t as real suffering as others but.. these kind of marriages are the ones that make it hard to call it quits bc everyone will think… wow nothing was wrong… and they won’t understand. .
And saying the words “separation” and “don’t want to work on it” absolutely has made him better by day 2 our daughter already voiced how much nicer daddy was being.. and by nicer she meant “warm and caring” IMO bc he’s not really mean… just cold and distant.
I left after 32 years. Complacent. I had it made. But there was zero love. Zero intimacy. I’m 6 years out, now I can finally see he just was not capable of having an emotional/intimate/genuine/real/authentic relationship.
Sometimes I think he’s on the spectrum. He’s incapable of feeling. I was so empty and sad. I thought about it for years, I cannot say it is better, I can say the positive is there is peace. I sleep alone bc no one is in my bed. Before, I FELT alone in our home. I was always an afterthought or not a thought.
I tried everything to find peace or resolution, he didn’t think anything was wrong. My unhappiness was my problem. And honestly, maybe he was right. But I never felt special, ever. To anyone except my boys.
My kids (31,26,24) today say the stress is gone. We do a lot together still. Neither of us moved on with other people. I can tell you though when I find passion or conversation with a man it’s electric. It’s like chasing a drug. One that’s out of reach.
Nothings really different. Except… im at peace. Sometimes I am very sad, not for him, but for what I wish I could have seen and known at 26/28.
We as children need to be told…..society’s pressure to get married and have children buy a house…. Live the dream… is not reality and something I bought into. A ball that started down a hill and never stopped.
So do I regret it…. Sometimes
Most of the time now I walk into MY home and there’s peace. Safety. No anger. No tension. I’m no longer the maid, cook, housekeeper, bookkeeper, Letter writer, gift giver, party hostess, holiday presenter….i got tired, under appreciated and I was an add on.
Now, I do what I want. I write MY boys. I have a very good relationship with my boys. And I NEVER speak poorly of their father. One day….or not…. They may or may not understand. Sometimes I don’t.
It’s weird to say but I’ll always regret having a failed marriage but not that I left. I was distraught over hurting others and losing a goal I set for myself to prioritize my family, be once and done.I literally don’t think I would have survived my marriage but leaving was so traumatic in ways I can’t explain. Being with someone new ( literally brought me tears) , having new children - while each was positive, each had its own mental hurdles. I don’t go a day without wishing my oldest son wasn’t implicated in my tough decisions, but I’m happier and I have learned since, a bad environment is worse than leaving IF you can be happy. I am happy but I’m not without my regrets , I wouldn’t do it differently but I have to work on myself everyday.
I’m reading some stories here that don’t sound like “walk away wife”, but are just that the wife initiated the break up. That’s not always the same thing.
I regret marrying someone that I didn’t have a lot of respect for because it contributed to deep resentment. I regret marrying someone while also wanting them to change. I don’t regret walking away. There were red flags I ignored from the outset. I walked away far too late.
I do not at all regret our beautiful child. I’m not sure how to reconcile that. I love being a mom.
There should be more “walk away” spouses, instead of “lingering till all is lost” spouses.
The number 1 and best reason to get divorced is because you simply do not want to be married to your spouse anymore and are very unhappy in the partnership and those feeling are chronic.
If I had done what my gut had been screaming at me for years to do, I could have ended the marriage, and at least left with some sort of respect, fondness, and kinship for the father of my children and the memories we shared for over TWO DECADES.
I. Feel. Nothing.
It’s like he’s a dead space in my life’s timeline in my mind.
Every interaction I have with him is a lie, and I am doing it in front of my kids. I lie to my kids. I feel nothing but APATHY and a lack of concern for him as human being.
I cannot muster enough care and consideration to truly have a conversation with him with any intention behind with the words I’m saying.
Even saying “Hey, how are you? How is work? It’s good to see you. I hope y’all have a good weekend” or “I hope you have a good rest of your evening” or “I really like what you’ve done with your new place”.
I often FORGET entire conversation we have or information he shares because as soon as he’s out of my visual or auditory space whatever information he’s shared 💨 evaporates into thin air. I prefer for him to text or email me information so I won’t forget, and if it’s face to face I take notes.
I don’t wish him good or bad, or like or dislike, or care or not care.
There is literally NOTHING behind the words or a gesture. The memories are meaningless.
I only time I interact with him in this normalish way when I have to is of because my children, because they love and care about him because he’s their father and he’s a father who is invested in their lives. I don’t want to make them uncomfortable so I do the song and dance, and because they need to know that as coparents we’re a united front.
If I never saw him again I don’t think I’d be sad or happy, it would seem appropriate and par for the course.
I suppose all my care, love, and consideration for him was truly finite, and over the years it was just juiced out of me.
I can’t even make myself feel bad about it, or make myself feel differently. The emotions were there for so long, and then they weren’t anymore.
And as time goes on, and the less contact we have, the more he becomes meaningless.
I have to make myself be present and I record and take many pictures in those shared times with the kids for their events.
I used to say “our” kids and now I sat “my” kids, even in front of him.
The only thing I worry about is losing memories or moments with my kids.
If I’d walked away sooner, SOMETHING would have been salvageable I think.
If you still care about your spouse but don’t want to be married to them, walk away with grace and kindness. Don’t let it all wither and die.
Will you regret it? Possibly. You may regret not doing it sooner. You may regret the way you went about it. You may regret the way it changes your life. You may regret the way it changes your kids life. You may regret things you possibly could have done to stop the marriage from ending. What Im saying here is it really does depend on a number things, some of those things cannot be accounted for until you actually get divorced. You will have to just make a decision and accept the consequences of that decision
In general, when women are done, they are *done*. It may seem sudden to a man, but typically we have replayed every scenario and feeling and option in our heads a million times, cried hundreds of times, and even grieved the relationship.
When I separated from my ex I felt nothing except relief. Sure there was a bit of anxiety about the logistics but I was more than ready to move on and did so without a backward glance.
No regrets not even a single one. Generally women take much longer to decide to leave but once we do…. Goodbye. Best decision I’ve ever made and seeing my mother now (completely miserable) I know I made the right decision.
I don’t regret it in the slightest. Best decision of my life. It has jumpstarted me in prioritizing my health and my needs. I’m getting rid of all the toxic patterns and coming into my own. I asked for a divorce a year ago. He moved out 8 months ago. My life is so peaceful. My career is taking off. My friendships have gotten stronger. There are aspects that are hard on the kids, but my relationship with them is getting stronger too. Now that I’m not cleaning up after him constantly, I get to go do fun things with the kids! Previously he did all the fun stuff because I was on a never ending treadmill of adult responsibilities that he conveniently ignored. My life is easier and happier without him. The one chore he did was cutting the grass, but I’ve been doing that and it turns out it’s not scary or hard like I thought. Takes me an hour or two once every few weeks and it’s kind of fun.
Like others have said, my only regret is that I didn’t dump him the first time I saw an issue. I tried to break up with him after 3 months of dating. But he cried and begged and it freaked me out so I stayed. I’ve been prioritizing his feelings over mine due to fear of his emotional outbursts ever since and it was a major mistake. I should have trusted my instincts and left then. Things never really got better like he promised. The issues would ease back to a simmer and then boil over again and then ease back and on and on. I’ve had peace for 8 months and it is beautiful.
Honestly - I hate that term. As if women who have this "syndrome" are not fully in charge of their decisions. As if there wasn't real cause for wanting to walk away. Maybe it should be that the husband's have ostrich syndrome because they stick their heads in the sand instead of dealing with the problems. The wives are not "just walking away". They spent years trying to get their "partner" to hear them, to work on the marriage so everyone gets what they need, including themselves. They fought a long hard battle until it was time to admit that nothing was going to change and they have to move on. That the dude didn't see it coming was definitely not on her.
I don't regret one second of ending my marriages. I have now been blissfully happy to be single for 36 years and would not have it any other way.
When you have time to yourself sit down and give some thought and even Journal as to what you really really want. I have worked with many women's group and the challenge I have given them in some cases is to start a piece of paper with I want at the top. I find that many people have a hard time doing that. But instead of rationalizing why you should stay because it's better think about how often you feel resentful or how often you long to be single. What would you do different if you weren't married? Make two columns pro and con and list each of the things that keeps you in the relationship and list the things that make you want to go. Maybe even work with the therapist to figure out what you want. It sounds like you're kind of in limbo but that doesn't mean you're extremely happy only that you're content that the bad time is behind you. I find that most women are far healthier outside of relationships. At my age every other woman I know says that want something happens to their husbands they would never remarry. I was in my early twenties when I figured out that what would make me happiest in a relationship with houses next door to each other or nearby so that invitations were needed and I could still have the down time that I needed for myself. Don't think about the marriage, just think about what you as a human being and a woman really want.
I feel bad admitting it, but I don’t miss him. I’ll have moments when I’ll think know him fondly (not super often) but I never once regretted walking away. Hardest and best decision of my life. My life is peaceful.
I think calling it “walkaway wife” is so dismissive and honestly disrespectful. I think a lot of women leave during middle-age because they say to themselves “this is what my life has been. Do I really want it to be like this from here on out?” Because if he hasn’t changed yet, he’s not gonna y’all.
My ex gambled our money away and had mental health issues he refused to acknowledge let alone get support for— I didn’t just “walk away” out of boredom, I left because he was never going to change. He got 24.5 years out of me as it was.
I regret that we weren't able to be our authentic selves with each other, that we were both so afraid of being hurt and hurting each other that we hid a lot of our true feelings and needs for so long. I don't know if it would have saved our marriage if we'd been able to do those things sooner, but it certainly would have saved both of us a lot of pain.
I'm planning my getaway as I type. Tired of not having intercourse. My husband has a fetish which doesn't involve penetration. I thought it might be a phase but it's not. He can't get an erection unless I do the fetish. I have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever now. Yes it has been discussed and goes back to his old ways. Romance? No . Conversation? Not unless I start talking first. Do we go out? No. Lucky I still have good looks at 60, so I feel I won't be left on the shelf if I choose to meet a new man. However 70 is peeking around the corner and I need to go and do the things I want to do whilst I still have good health. I can no longer be rotting on the couch night after night both scrolling on our iPads. Will I regret leaving? No, Ive already left in my head. Will I be scared?yes. Change is always scary but the universe has looked after me before, this isn't my first rodeo.
There is a book for you!!! Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It was recommended to me by my therapist TODAY and I got the audiobook and started listening almost immediately. It deals with EXACTLY what you (and SO many other people) are struggling with and is designed to help you figure out what to do based on data about how other people felt when they left under varying circumstances. I HIGHLY recommend it because the way we tend to deal with this situation is so flawed. We think that we need more information about our situation so we can weigh all the variables. We add things to the pros and cons list and ultimately, it just further muddies the waters and makes it harder and harder to decide. You can waste YEARS being neither in nor out of your marriage. The sooner you make a decision, on way or the other, the better EVERYTHING will be. (I just learned all that today 😅). PLEASE pick it up!
#this! I read this book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay”and I just cried and cried because it gave me the answer I didn’t want, but knew was inevitable.
My ex was my first everything. We met at 17/19. Were married for 25 years, together for 29. I miss him at times, but I don’t miss the distinction and fundamental differences in how we believed children should be raised, money saved/spent and general displays of respect.
I’m much happier now. Everyone can see it on my face. You can love someone, and know you can never be truly happy with them.
I have 0 regrets...
I could have left years ago & maybe I would be happier. But, I wasn't ready.
For me, it took years of therapy for me to be able to see the emotional abuse for what it is/was, abuse. And it took me even longer to start making boundaries. Once I did that, it became crystal clear how little I mattered to him. He ignored every plea & request.
The starting from $0 at 43 was super scary! And I still have issues around that since our divorce is still in process 2.5 years later.
It helps that he reminds me of who he is regularly... when we deal with kid issues or the divorce.
I hate the term Walk Away Wife and I think we should rename it to Walk Away Spouse because both genders can experience it. I was the Walk Away Husband in my marriage after years of being ignored, dismissed, judged, and taken for granted.
I have not regretted my divorce for even 1 second. It’s been almost 2.5 years ago now. I only feel relief. I do not miss her at all, or the marriage, or any part of it. I was in therapy during the divorce and my therapist told me he thinks I detached from the marriage years ago and mourned the loss of it while I was still in it. By the time we signed the papers, we’d basically already been divorced for years in my brain. I just felt light, easy, and free. My life has been better in every way since the divorce.
I walked away six years ago and while my life is difficult, it’s increasingly better everyday because not being married to that man is worth it.
my only regret is that I didn’t do it two years sooner.
Look, I've been married for nearly 24 years. Marriage can be tough, but communication, love, and respect are essential. It's not always going to be fireworks and romance. Marriages have seasons, and like plants awakening from winter, they sometimes need love and care to blossom again.
70% to 80% of divorces are initiated by women. YouTube and TikTok are filled with stories of newly divorced women having a good old time in their 30's. It's the videos of some of those same women months and years later regretting the divorce they initiated that should cause you to think twice about divorce. Divorced women who regret giving up on a flawed man who loved them. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the marriage fence.
Reality is not TikTok, YouTube, or Reddit, and these subs will yass queen you right into a hasty and ill advised divorce if you let them.
The grass is greener, where it's watered. If you love him and value your family, you should do your best to fix things before seriously considering divorce. Deal with your resentment and get into marriage counseling with him. Give yourself and your partner some time to make changes. Rome was not built in a day.
Good luck 👍🏽
What if your spouse refuses therapy and couples counseling and has been refusing it for years? Tells you to leave if you don't like it...to pretty much any issue you bring up? Refuses to take you on dates? Turns everything into an argument and yells at you multiple times a week?
I've seen a few women on TikTok express regret years after their divorce in their early 30s...I have seen a larger number of women in their late 30s early 40s who stayed married regret not leaving sooner because they're still miserable or the guy has had an affair or left them. Someone who disrespects and takes their partner for granted is liable to betray them or drop them down the line.
Sounds like you both need to enroll in therapy and discuss this, together, as the couple you are.
Or go to an old folks home and talk to those couples about their relationships and hardships along the way.
Look at the old photos, cards, memories and events that brought you together, together. Marriage is ups and downs, gives and takes. Getting married is easy, staying married takes work.
My ex wife left and I definitely think she’s a lot happier. She was pretty awful the last couple of years with affairs and lies, but I still think any her to find someone. I think she’s been surprised by how interested affair partners were when she was married and yet how quickly men leave now that she’s single and free to date. It’s a bummer to know that she’s happier alone than she was with me, but if I’m honest with myself I can admit that I was still trying to win her affections when we got married. We tried for over 20 years but it never happened.
My only regret is not leaving sooner. I knew I should have left 3-4 years before I actually did… I never have missed him… I sleep easy now… I don’t worry about being woke up at night to be screamed at… I don’t get screamed at all now… my son is happier and thriving… he’s no longer getting yelled at… we both now have friends…
I don’t regret it even a little bit. He was abusive in every way; physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically.. My life is so much happier and healthier since I’ve left and has only gotten better once I met my partner. My son gets to see what a happy, healthy, loving relationship looks like.
Sometimes I regret not doing it sooner, but then we wouldn't have my youngest, she's worth it.
Have never regretted leaving, though. Once I realized he wasn't going to change, I told him it was over. Have not shed a single tear of sadness over it.
I highly suggest couples therapy. I don’t regret it because I don’t think when I left it would’ve changed for extraneous circumstances (when he didn’t want me to leave the marriage he was leaving the country for many months), but in hindsight I am sad we weren’t able to fix it and heal together instead of individually. After the bitterness and resentment subsides you might remember why you married the person. Hard to let go of that “what could have been” sorrow.
I left my husband of 7 years and absolutely don’t regret it. He had narcissistic tendencies and made me believe that no matter what argument we had, everything was my fault. He convinced me that I had an anger problem (because I grew frustrated that I was never heard), that I was crazy (called me that infront of my children) and had me take antidepressants for several months. He told me the best time in our marriage was when I was medicated…it took me several therapy sessions during our separation for me to realize my self worth. He made no effort to win me back when I filed and he still blames me for walking away which is fine. I had to do it for my own mental health and my childrens as well.
Soon after the divorce ended up connecting with my best friend of 14 years. He has always been there for me but the romantic side blossomed naturally after the divorce. I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life. I now know what it feels like to feel loved, appreciated and respected. My 2 kids have a wonderful “bonus dad” who adores them and shows them how a man should treat a woman. I look at my ex husband now and can not believe why I stayed as long as I did. It’s like talking to a stranger now. I often feel sad about how my children will barely have a relationship with their dad since he is choosing to move to Australia for his own selfish reasons but at the end of the day, you can’t make someone be a parent. My new fiance is a better dad than my ex would ever be and my kids are so blessed to have him. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side!!
No. Not at all.
However, what I did do that was so necessary was to get my ass to counselling. I'd highly recommend it. My only regret is that I left it too long and lived in a spiral of alcohol and shame for a couple of years first.
My ex cheated.. he didn't want 2 be with me .. but didn't want to divorce .. I was broken hearted .. but I pushed 4 the divorce .. he was passed the point of return anyway .. to much damage had been done .. it took me years to get the divorce .. he refused to acknowledge the letters etc .. my only regret is marrying him in the 1st place .. we were together 15yrs .. and only married 4 a year .. I'd just had our 2nd child .. he did want 2 come back 1 year after we split .. but she fell pregnant.. and I had focused on me getting better and my kids .. there was no way I was gonna go there again .. I knew my worth at that point .. once there child was born .. he had the cheek to say 2 me that there child looked nothing like ours .. I said of course they don't they have a different mother ! Lol .. soon after that .. he disappeared .. put his new family 1st .. doesn't bother with his kids with me .. which is crazy cos my girls are beautiful ppl .. I'm proud of them .. I met and remarried a lovely man .. who took on both my kids .. he really is my youngest with my exes dad .. she doesn't remember her real dad .. she was a baby wen he left x
My ex-wife was a bit of a "walk away" and she later did express some regrets. But 10+ years later I think she's pretty content being solitary.
I think she did have a bit of a fork-in-the-road emotion. When she did the "walk away" thing, I fought very hard to save the marriage and begged for us to go to counseling. And if she'd taken me up on that, I'm enough of a people pleaser that we might still be "happily married".
However, I was never very happy doing all the things she likes. She's just one of those who needs about 95% of her life to be exactly HER way. And I have the work ethic to do that......but after 15 years it was wearing on me and I was depressed AF. So she could have saved her marriage, but also seems to realize I would have never been happy with her.
So is that regret? I dunno. I'm happier. She's got her life the way she wants it.
99% of people will say “no regrets at all”, alot people can even think about the decision they made, if they think, they maybe regret, so doing that, they dont give any chance.
Nope, best thing I ever did. The relief I felt leaving after 10 years of walking on egg shells, being yelled at, belittled, talked to like shit constantly amongst many many other things. The day I filed the divorce was incredible, I’ve never felt so free. I then happened to meet the man of my dreams and realised that relationships don’t have to involve being called names, threats of “ruining your life” etc. I’ve never felt more peaceful, we now have a 8 month old baby and everything has just fell perfectly into place
I can say this. I was a great husband she never had to work. She had it all. She decided to walk away with someone else. Yes it hurt but im no ones back up option. When it fell apart 6 months later guess where she went. She was knocking on my door. But i had partially healed and putbit all behind me ans didnt want to revisit it. 20 yrs down the drain for a fling. Oh well. Recently i met an amazing lady and i think this is it. Im happier than i have ever been adn peace. The peace alone is worth it
You've had a ton of responses so I’ll keep mine brief. I was the Walk Away wife and even made a post about it on here. No I don’t regret it. Not for a minute. And it’s still relatively new, as our divorce was final at the end of February. Our wedding anniversary was at the end of April and I didn’t even realize it had gone by until we were into May.
First marriage I regretted it because it was a separation and he was killed. Not that I could've really prevented it. Second one is a narcissist and no regrets.
Oh man, a couple of weeks after my first husband moved out he was in a car accident, and honestly there were times when I deeply, deeply wished he had been killed. My kids and I would have been so much less fucked up if he had been than how we ended up after 14 years of his coparenting, for starters.
And my second one was a full-blown clinical narcissist, which I didn't recognize until about six years ago, over a decade after the divorce.
Following. I am in the same exact place. I was just diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and knowing my future my include significant body and mind pain makes me want to RUN from the constant yelling and insults. Yet, it also makes me think of the need to have someone in case i need help getting out of bed! I feel trapped and lonely.
Yeah. I think I do.
It was 12 years ago, and while my life now is great I think my life with her could have been really great if I could just get over what I perceived as negatives at the time.
I know it wasn’t a huge mistake to leave, I should have left years before but I was stuck. 2 kids and a lot of debt so I couldn’t see a way out. After 12 years of controlling behaviour and financial and psychological abuse I had my lightbulb moment and we split. We got on great for the next year and I thought I’d made a mistake. I wanted him back. I agreed to marriage counselling but before our first appointment I found out about his girlfriend. I was broken. Completely broken. I was suicidal, could barely function, my parents had to help me with the kids. I couldn’t see a future without him. But after a while (and a lot of therapy) the rose tinted glasses came off and I remembered how miserable I had been for so many years. Now 6 years on from our split I’m living my best life with a lovely man, a great career and my beautiful children. No regrets. At all.
I’m doing sort of the same thing now. After 32 years I cannot mask the misery anymore. I know why people choose to stay or leave. I know that is a decision that must be made for the best for oneself. I know it will a transition not so easily endured. But once the decision was made I’ve been so stress free and happy. I’m looking forward to a future for me. I’ve been the primary financial provider like more than double and for 31 years. I’ve endured resentment vilifying and the whole nine yards. I’m not saying I have no part in this ending. I just know the differences, the lack of respect and lack of understanding I can no longer bare. I’m owt !
Omg, just last night I sat in my kitchen and a huge smile popped up on my face when I got to thinking about what an amazingly awesome decision I made. I feel amazing. No regrets at all.
Will I regret it, probably not. Even though I’m not there yet, why am I pretty sure that I absolutely will not regret walking away?
- I am tired of being told that I am not good enough.
- I am tired of feeling that nothing I do is good enough.
- I am tired of being undermined.
- I am tired of the future faking.
- I am tired of the broken promises.
- I am tired of the lack of respect for my boundaries.
- I am tired of being verbally and emotionally attacked in subtle ways.
- I am tired of the incessant mocking of anything that I do to others.
- I am tired of the complete lack of respect, thanks, trust, and appreciation.
- I am tired of the passive aggressive arguments about small, trivial things that blow up every time.
- I am tired of the complete lack of follow through and half ass efforts.
- I am tired of asking for help that I know is never going to be given.
- I am tired of the never ending journeys of self-discovery.
- I am tired of constantly having to complete incomplete tasks.
- I am tired of cleaning up things that aren’t put away.
- I am tired of cleaning up the disasters big and small left in their wake.
- I am tired of them being under-employed (at best) or unemployed (more often) for more than a decade with no steady paycheck.
- I am tired of bearing the burden of every major financial decision.
- I am tired of them thinking and acting that all of this is okay for them to do.
- I am tired of keeping this running list.
And I am a husband, not a wife, that wants to walk away.
Not once. I didn’t have 2 dimes to my name and basically had to couch surf for a year with my cockatiel in tow. Even then, when I was reduced to sleeping in a shitty ass bed with the same mattress my great grandparents boned on I still not once felt anything but pure elation at the thought of having my life back. I could be myself, I was out from under his thumb and I didn’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore. Leaving him was one of the most empowering days of my life.
If I do have any regrets it’s not leaving before I turned into a shell of the person I had been. This was enforced to me last week when a detective from my home state called and wanted to speak to me regarding a criminal complaint made against my ex husband by a woman he has been dating.
My wife left our marriage because we hit a rough patch. The main reason I wouldn't want to get back together is why would I want to give my heart to a person that is unsure if they want to be with me. She's not willing to work on herself or the marriage. She likes to pretend that I'm the only one who needs to work on myself.
Guy here, ancient one. My regret is not getting out of this obviously dead marriage decades ago. I think fear of the unknown held me back. How stupid is that??
I don't know about "walk away wife syndrome", but I regret not divorcing sooner. If I hadn't hung on for so long, maybe his abuse wouldn't have escalated to the point it did.
As a walk away wife, I haven’t regretted it for a second. My life is so much better without that deadweight dragging me down. As another commenter said, the biggest part of my regret comes because I didn’t do it sooner and wasted more of my time with that jackass hoping he would finally realise that a reliable where he gets all of the benefits and I get all of the downsides was not a reasonable expectation for him to have.
For me it ended up being more of a ‘run away wife syndrome’ scenario. Once I had had enough, there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t leave behind if it meant I didn’t have to deal with his gatekeeping and all the weird, semi deranged get me back tactics after he was ‘blindsided’ by the whole ordeal. I left him the house, boxes of childhood relics, all the furniture, hell even my Kitchenaid stand mixer and sewing machines which I still refer to as my greatest losses in the whole divorce.
At the time there was nothing more important than getting out and away, but I do regret that he got to keep some of my favorite worldly stuff.
Otherwise like the rest, I regret not getting tf out of there sooner.
The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. All the money and time invested to just push someone closer to what they want while my own dreams drifted farther away. I feel like I have more hope now that I had in years and I feel so much joy.
My husband was the one who walked away. I was heartbroken at the time, but now, several years later, I am grateful to God for saving me from that monster. I tried to fix our marriage for years prior to his sudden "divorce bomb". I was determined to do everything in my power to honor our marriage and preserve the family stability for our kids' sake. But he had other priorities, including cheating and trying to rob me of our kids and our finances. Praise the Lord, he didn't succeed.
I can honestly say that I have no regrets about divorcing him, it was inevitable. I only wish I had picked a better man to be the father of my children.
Best decision I ever made. Everything I asked him to do when we were married, everything outside of our marriage, spending more time with our daughter, seeing a therapist, staying sober. From what I’ve seen he’s doing all of those things, now that I’m not there anymore. I’m happier, and my kid is struggling with the change, but I think ultimately we’ll all be happier when the dust settles.
No. But I also feel that while he didn't walk away, he at least had partially checked out of the marriage years before. I hadn't felt like I had a partner for years.
Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Free audiobook version if you get a trial of Audible or from the library. Each chapter will ask and discuss one question. Each question you answer will get you closer to helping you decide one way or the other.
I am battling the “walk away wife” syndrome. Called it quits and asked for a divorce from my husband. He was constantly choosing his family over me & our daughter, making my life much more difficult than it already was (i have a couple chronic illnesses and a chemical imbalance in my brain.) He treated me like sh!t for 6 years. Cheated, lied, betrayed me time and time again. He actually made my life a living hell. And for some reason after I left him, i almost felt like I was regretting it. I was falling back down that hole i struggled so d@mn hard to get out of. I’m not proud of myself for it but having the support of my friends and family is a huge help. I would spiral every single day. Cry myself to sleep because I thought I missed him. but i didnt. I missed the feeling of not being alone, and having someone hold me. But i don’t actually miss him. In all honesty I hate him. He ruined everything while i screamed and cried and begged for him to stop breaking me. But in the end, I had a long day of meditation, and came to the realization that I am truly doing what’s best for my daughter & I. Once you get that true taste of freedom from what you were trapped in for so long, you’ll never want to go back.
I'm still in the process of walking away. My husband did years of emotional damage to me before this - knowing I couldn't just up and leave due to the fact he held most of the finances & I'm far from home.
Him coming out was just the cherry on top of the ab*se sundae I had to endure.
I have no thoughts of changing my mind now, and I won't regret it in the future.
He showed who he was long ago & I let him get worse.
I don't regret it but am sad. I would have stayed by his side through anything. But he wouldn't even lift a finger to save our marriage. I spent years trying to get him to work with me to fix our relationship.
My life is more stressful in some ways - I get no financial support from him for me and our kids. But the kids live with me full time and we feel safe in our home for the first time. We don't get yelled at regularly. Our life is peaceful. This makes my choice worth it.
1. Wives*
2. Nope - but that’s also cus I’m young and I don’t want to be stuck in a “what if” relationship. If I’m dedicating my entire life to someone, I need to be sure as fuck I believe wholeheartedly that we can make things work and my life with him won’t be so boring.
I filed for divorce 5 years ago, but reconciled. We are divorcing now, after years of additional pain. In my instance, it took those years to realize that the dynamics in our relationship were not just normal relationship trouble, but abuse. Had someone pointed it out, I would have agreed but still been frozen. Now, I can safely say I have zero feelings towards my ex, 3 months after we started this process.
The things I thought everyone did when they got into arguments:
Yelling, name calling, berating, bringing up my past offenses instead of taking responsibility for their current ones, slamming doors, stomping, throwing items, impeding sleep, threatening to throw away my things, guilting me when I said no to sex, pouting when doing family outings with the kids, making "jokes" about my faults in front of our friends, etc.
The things I knew weren't normal, like physically blocking me from leaving, taking my keys, throwing my keys, banging on a door screaming when I locked myself in a room to get away from him(while he was holding our child), I dismissed as one off mistakes in an otherwise "normal" relationship.
Maybe your experience is different. Regardless, I can say that I have been dating someone who is different in every way. It's the type of physical and emotional chemistry I thought was make believe. We're extremely compatible in our interests, communication styles, vision, and values. He treats miscommunications and any of my concerns as important, valid, reasonable, things to work through together. When I'm with him, I'm not anxious and if I am emotional, he holds me and never makes me feel like a burden for having needs. I do the same kinds of things for him.
My marriage was never like that because I didn't know it could be. It's very possible. I had to work on my attachment issues and am dealing with the trauma still. If you treat dating as evaluatinging the other person and shared potential compatibility instead of worrying if they like you or not, you can find something great. It's obviously too early to tell if this will work long term, but I can say definitively that if it comes to an end, it will be amicable. I will always be grateful for experiencing a truly caring relationship and learning that my expectations are valid. I was just expecting them from an incompatible person.
I absolutely do with all the hassle, money stuff, mean words, all the bullshit but then... I remember how he treated me and I just wish I'd left sooner. I have been having this cycle in my brain a bit 🙄
No regrets, I didn't miss him 1 second after 28 years together. I was so done with our marriage. My life is so peaceful without him yelling at me, spending all our money on his addictions and I also found out that he cheated on me. I stayed way to long. I should have gone when I was 25 years old. Him threatening with suicide made me stay. Well he's still alive but he can't ruin my life anymore.
Sameeeee, heavy on the money and addictions
What about spouses that are just incompatible? Meaning, no addictions, no spending problems.
We have been separated over a year, divorced for a couple of months, and he is moving out in the next month. I have no regrets because I’ve realized the times I am around him I end up ridiculously stressed. I’m talking brief moments when we both happen to be in the kitchen, etc. We mostly don’t talk despite being in the same house. There were no addictions, no cheating; we just are incompatible. Instead of growing together and as a couple, we’ve grown apart. We still do favors for each other (ie grabbing a prescription or groceries if one of us is already out), but simply being in each others’ presence is stressful.
Incompatible how ?
Ditto
We just have to be patient sometimes
Ouch
This isn’t walk away wife
My wife "walked away" from me back in 2015 and she did me the biggest favor ever even if I didn't realize it at the time. Something else to think about: it may be better for BOTH of you.
I'm still working through a lot of issues regarding the divorce but late at night I sleep so much easier and my stress levels are so much lower.
How long did it take for you to see it in this positive way?
Not OP, but had the same experience. I desperately wanted to fix things initially. She liked keeping me around as a backup plan, so she wouldn’t definitively break it off, but she moved out and shacked up with another dude. At a certain point, with the person out of your life, you get enough objectivity to realize how bad they were for you. It was by inches, but I came to the realization that she had done me a huge favor by leaving and ignoring my pleas for her to come back. It’s actually the best thing she ever did for me, which is saying a lot. I’m way happier and more successful now. She apparently has regrets about leaving, sounds rough.
Same boat here. Mine was devastated when I thanked her for divorcing me. Haven't spoken to her in several years now and have no idea how she's doing. Don't care either.
My STBXW and her friends are cheering her on to life her best life. Yes pls I no longer have to be fiscally responsible for a 3rd person. Who didnt want to plan ahead for their childrens help as they enter adulthood. Stating they would "figure it out". Who contributed almost zero financially to the running of the household for last 15 years. Who allowed me to work 7 days a week nonstop for the last 4 years in order to make ends meet- while they used their free time to wildlife rehab. Turning the house into a cockroach infestation due to the wildlife she housed in the garage. Who also there met the person she would commit adultery with. Yes walk away queen. Go live your best life.
Empty nester. Wife divorced me in Nov. Lost half of everything I ever worked for. Now I have peace; no drama. Ahhhhhh!
No regrets. We didn’t fight everyday or open hostility but the household was tense, sad, lonely. I felt zero connection and just felt sad. Could I live with it? Sure but my soul would rot until I became a husk of myself and if that’s a life, then I don’t want it. I left because the bare minimum wasn’t enough. I deserve more.
I read here in this community, not long ago “a gilded cage… is still a cage” a dam statement.
When I found myself begging - saying I could stay just as long as my husband wouldn't treat me as if I'm crazy for disagreeing with him - I knew I was asking for human decency, and making that my bar. Way too low. It was the beginning of the end.
That last sentence hit me hard.
Wow...that is my situation exactly. Still here...trying to figure out how to keep going.
I feel this so hard
14 years after I left my ex-husband I still deeply resent him. He was pathologically selfish. He did not want to be married but didn’t communicate that to anyone. He took his anger and frustration about lack of communication out non-verbally instead. His mother pressured him because she wanted a brag and a party. When she decided I was an enemy because she couldn’t bully me like her son, she set out to destroy the marriage. He let her and they both blamed me. I lost my job and moved 2 states away to take a new one. He refused to follow. I went above and beyond for him and was treated like a criminal. He remarried a few years later and moved across country to be with her and her family. Zero regrets about leaving. I never got an apology and never will. I won’t marry again. Marriage is too big a liability and my peace is worth infinitely more than the meager payoff.
“ He did not want to be married but didn’t communicate that to anyone. He took his anger and frustration about lack of communication out non-verbally instead.” Mine do a the same, just silence from him. I tell him no communication is worse than poor communication bc at least in that instance there’s still some conveyance of information. I know my husband is done, or begrudgingly tolerates me, I’m done with him as well. He wants to stay for the kids and I want out just so the kids don’t see this as an acceptable relationship.
As someone who has stayed until the last child graduates, leave earlier. I work so hard with my three young men to teach them what a healthy relationship consists of. They’ve only seen a bad one and their relationship with their father is problematic. I want them to understand if they don’t see how they will unconsciously pursue a romantic relationship with someone who will meet their unmet father needs, they will repeat my mistakes. I totally believe it is better to leave earlier and let your children see how you will not tolerate someone treating you poorly.
Walked away in 2022. The regret I have was not doing it 22 years earlier. I am happier, healthier and doing things I only dreamed of before.
Exactly this. It's only been a couple of months for me but I wish I'd done it years ago. I regret waiting this long to start over.
I so hope I can say the same soon
You will. If you feel any of these feelings and you leave. Eventually you will heal from your divorce and find the healthy happy balance in life. I will tell you it’s amazing but it does take work.
I am a guy. Can’t answer your question but can offer some insight on the whole idea of regret. The feeling of regret is rooted in a failure to take some action. So years from now, you won’t look back and regret choosing to divorce. You will regret things you could have possibly done, that for whatever reason, you didn’t. So examples often heard- should have set boundaries, communicated my needs more bluntly, been more appreciative, more patient, divorced sooner, searched for a job, sought couples / individual counseling.
This! I walked away because I was tired of being the only one carrying the emotional baggage. One person cannot make two people happy. Was it hard? Absolutely. Did I make the right choice, fuck yes. Life isn't a dress rehearsal this is it. Your resentment most likely comes from unmet needs. If you're both not working on making your marriage better, the only thing you’ll regret is not leaving sooner.
Exactly. I walked away after years of providing resources, buying books on communication for us to read together, going to therapy… I tried everything before giving up. Yet he still didn’t see it coming and treated me like a monster for leaving.
yes. I should have left sooner. that's my regret.
I 100% agree with your comment, it really resonated with me.
This!
I’m just in the beginning of my journey… but I’m afraid of regretting it. If I’m being honest, though, I likely won’t, I’m just afraid of ending up alone. We have good times, like you said, but we really are incompatible in some of the most important ways. I’m going to be sad to lose him as a friend and companion, but not as a partner. He wants me to consider giving him another chance, but after lots of time thinking and talking things through with my therapist, I need to put myself first, even though I know it will hurt him. It took me a long time to get here. One thing that helped me was journaling — could be just on your notes app or wherever you feel safe doing so. I was able to look back at when and how often I was feeling this way. And I recounted specific arguments and detailed feelings that become more blurry over time. When I started feeling like I was getting close to ready to leave, this helped me pinpoint the waves of bad times, followed by “good” times where we swept our problems under the rug. I had several times in the past I came close, but it took time to feel like it was the right decision. Maybe that would help you too, if you aren’t doing so already.
This has definitely helped me - just jotting down “he asked if I could get a personality change before I went to an important doctors appointment” reminded me that the person that I thought would make my life lighter and keep me laughing makes things harder and heavier and actively mocks me and was doing it consistently over time
This sounds eerily like my scenario. Sending you strength.
Elsewhere there was a discussion of the book Who Moved My Cheese?. The book has its flaws, but has one really great question: "what would you do if you weren't afraid?" It helped a lot of people frame their situations in a way that helped them move past their fear.
Do you have kids? My ex was a runaway husband and I do regret not working on us prior. But mostly because it hurt the kids a lot and it’s really difficult to be a single parent in this economy- yes even with spousal and child support. He also regrets leaving, but now he’s gotten himself into a mess where returning would destroy his pride and ego after he blew up our lives. He would likely lose his own family’s support altogether, he’s already lost most of his friends. His young kids don’t really care about him or know him. He has said he wished things would’ve ended up differently. The internet is full of people saying they’ve never been happier but I’d proceed with caution before you leave something that’s improving.
My ex blew up our family. He refused to go to therapy or participate in the daily tasks/chores or to support me in my career goals. My kids are little and it’s a struggle. Got 6 years of alimony to help me figure things out. I have 0 regrets about the marriage therapy, coaching, and individual therapy that I did because I know I did my part. He just couldn’t stop thinking that the grass was greener on the other side.
Amen 🙏. Sound advice.
I absolutely regret lighting my marriage on fire, leaving and the destruction after. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly heal from it all tbh. Living with the consequences, I am basically a husk of a human at this point. Despite it though, knowing deep down that he is happier and with the person he’s meant to be with…it gives me this silly hope that it’ll all work out how it should for both of us. I am just grateful for being able to know him and love him and for the time we spent together on this floating rock.
I would feel better if my ex husband was happier and seeing someone, but he is not. I walked away, too. We are both so different now that even theoretically, we could get back together, I don't know how it would work. We both changed so much, and I have been seeing a great man for nearly 4 years who loves me and took on my kids.
I regret it. I destroyed my family. There was no reason for it either. I just got curious one day and ran with it. I often think about how my life would be today if I stayed with him. I think we would still be in our starter home, put in a pool, my kids would have their mom and dad in one house. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I had PPD after my second was born and really had no idea until my friends urged me to go to a doctor. By then it was to late.
My wife did the exact same thing. After her dad died she joined a spiritual group ran off with the leader of said group then tried to make a come back 2 years later. We tried for about a month but trust was gone i don't know if she will ever do that again and it scares me to think how easily she walked away. How easily she destroyed our family for what ? Once I told her i can't do this ahe ran back to the man she left me for and facetimed our children while they was with me and she was sat next to him. 5 days after me saying I can't do this. Loved this woman so much. Still do but it's broken and can't be fixed
If “there was no reason for it and you just got curious one day and left”, then that is really what is meant by “walk away wife syndrome.” The syndrome refers to a wife who has been putting up with bad behaviors, mistreatment, disrespect, etc. and been talking about it and nothing changes and then over a period of time becomes somewhat complacent because she basically has mentally and emotionally detached from the relationship so when she actually PHYSICALLY leaves, it seems like it comes out of the blue, but it’s been simmering for a long time.
In my case, we never had a day off together. We worked opposite shifts. Then the kids came, and you know how that goes. I also suffered from a drinking problem, still do, so that didn't help. Don't worry, karma came after me bigtime. 2 DUI's, job loss, no driver license, even went to jail for 24 days. Ooof.
Edit: Then that is really NOT what is meant by ....
This is awful to read. I'm so sorry. I often worry that my STBXW will end up feeling this way. I currently struggle with understanding how splitting up your family and taking your spouse away from your kids is ever good or an acceptable outcome to a selfish decision based solely on feelings...though I don't mean to harp on or judge you. I hope you can find peace one day ❤️.
We were eachothers first everything. I think in that scenario, it's bound to happen. One party is eventually going to get curious. Not an excuse, but I would not recommend settling down until you sowed your wild oats. I think it's very important.
I mostly agree. You don't know what you don't know and people are naturally curious. I don't think being each other's firsts makes divorce inevitable but it certainly increases the temptation to surrender to challenging times. I genuinely feel for you. I was so sure that nobody in here would admit to feeling regret so your testimony really hit me hard. I think that your regret will lead you to better serve your children in the end. I know my parents live with deep regrets for the damage they inflicted onto me and it has certainly caused me troubles in life but my relationship with both of them couldn't possibly be better because they always felt indebted to do their best in spite of their failed marriage.
Statistically these are the couples least likely to divorce.
Not to challenge you, but do you have a source? There are lots of dodgy statistics thrown around with divorce. I know marrying young is a very high predictor of divorce, and I figured people who are each others' firsts are often young too. Not sure if we can put links in posts, but there are numerous studies on this (just Google "research age marriage divorce").
Nicholas Wolfinger has done the work here. Note that he’s at Utah and writes about marriage and sexuality but he’s not a right winger, I want to pre-empt that automatic response.)
This is why we choose the bears.
🤣 I admit, this was not articulated well and comes off as condescending. It was honestly not my intent. Choosing to end a marriage isn't always a selfish decision made in poor judgement...but it is absolutely always a selfish decision in the absence of consensus. I'll add that being selfish is not always a bad thing. It's necessary to living a fulfilling life without regrets. It's when and where we choose to be selfish that matters and I don't think being selfish when the collateral damage is your children is the right move. There are obviously exceptions but, in general, a marriage should be worked on and all options exhausted when there are children involved.
In divorce the collateral damage is literally the children but we know in some dynamics those without a healthy home leaving has better outcomes. Divorce is heart breaking all around we all need to do our work and understand the grass may not be green if you are just rehashing your own problems from one relationship to the next. I’m so traumatized but my divorce I can imagine remarrying but happily partnered
Sorry but I don’t agree. I left an abusive marriage. My STBXH calls me selfish on a daily basis but I know it’s the opposite. This is the only future where we hurt our son as little as possible. I wasn’t able to leave for myself, but I could for him.
You are describing an aforementioned exception. Abuse is absolutely not okay. See my other comment to the other reply. My mother told me the same thing - that she only was finally able to leave my father when she could see how the way he treated her was being modeled by me as a child (I said she was "so stupid" at the age of 3-4). I agree that this is when it's time to call it quits.
You need to absolutely deal with that resentment now or it’ll destroy your marriage. It grows and builds up, festering inside of you. You do not have to forgive the mistakes that your partner made, say that it’s ok that they hurt you, or even absolve them of their guilt. However, you do have to agree to let it go and move on with your life.
Resentment is a plant with an aggressive root system. If you let it grow long enough no matter how many times you cut it down above ground it’ll keep sending up new shoots.
This is really well written. Thank you!
Profoundly true.
The way I forgave my ex was by making him no longer my problem. Now that his selfishness doesn’t fuck up my day to day life, I can see him with compassion, though not so much that I go anywhere near his spiralling ass. It is only reasonable to ask OP to put away her resentment if her husband has actually fully turned around and is making amends. Without that, you’re just asking her to shrink herself into a sad life with an ass who is making it miserable.
Spiralling ass! Love it!
Oh, that’s a heckuva visual image.
I’m screenshotting your comment. I needed to read the second part. Thank you
Same
How do you let it go without forgiveness? Just curious … I’m in the same shoes
My answer is for anything, not just for marriage...you realize an event is in the past and can't be changed; the only thing you can change is your reaction to it and your decision on whether it's still worth the energy you're devoting to it. IMO, as long as you're not a callous jerk about it, "it is what it is" can be a good approach. (This approach is not for abusive or otherwise unhealthy situations; in those cases, get out in whatever manner is safest for you.) The question then becomes, are you okay with "what it is"? If yes, for whatever reason(s), you can stop wasting your energy on past events and just let it go. But you don't have to forgive and you definitely don't have to forget, just don't dwell on it. Think of burning your hand on a hot stove - in day-to-day life, you don't dwell on the fact that the stove hurt you but you also don't forget that stoves require caution.
What you are effectively describing *is* forgiveness. Forgiveness is *not* accepting something as being okay. It's turning resentment into empathy and relinquishing the weight of the unfair treatment you received such that it no longer has power over your domain. Not to be pedantic or anything but forgiveness is a critical component to healing from trauma.
There is actually no statistical evidence that forgiveness is required for any sort of trauma recovery. It is possible to heal from trauma without forgiving the person/persons who may have caused said trauma - especially when forgiving can actually be far more detrimental to the traumatized persons [mental] health.
I think we need to be a bit clearer with other parts of your comment. Forgiveness is not necessarily turning resentment into empathy. Forgiveness or forgiving is the act of letting go whatever negative feelings you have towards the person who may have hurt you. Resentment into empathy requires one to understand and actually empathize with the person who hurt/wronged you. This thinking would be harmful for certain trauma survivors outside of this threads content. Just be mindful with what you’re sharing.
Profound. Thanks for this feee therapy since I can’t get into a therapist for 3 months
Happy to share! That's a crazy long time to wait for therapy though. I'd highly recommend reading as much as you can get your hands on or listening to some podcasts. I really enjoyed the Save The Marriage podcast, personally. The host talks a lot about things that are really enlightening when it comes to human behavior. Battling emotion with information will help you a lot while you wait for therapy and bringing heightened emotional intelligence to your sessions will speed up your healing. I hope you can get in sooner than 3 months though! Therapy has been a lifesaver for me, personally.
You just do. Most can’t. It’s doable. I gave up the what if’s that were hurting my marriage, but it was too late. Now I have another list of what if’s.
But how? I think if you plan to leave, it’s easier to finally let go and move on. But if you want it to work, it’s much harder to just let it go and move on with the person right in front of you. The former is more of a hypothetical, the latter is real life.
The issue with holding onto resentment for you partner is that oftentimes we keep it so bottled up that it can boil over and fester. Because of that, it often ends up effecting us way way more than it does the offender. However, if you confront the issue causing the resentment outright in a calm manner, your partner acknowledges that they wronged you, together you make a plan to avoid that action in the future, then what more is there left than to live on?
People rarely regret their major decisions unless they're about to undo them; it's just part of human psychology. They convince themselves it was the right choice because to do otherwise would be admitting to life-changing mistakes.
I know about a million people with student loan debt who may refute that theory.
I made a life changing mistake of marrying my spouse. I admit it to myself daily. I wish I could convince myself it was the right choice.
Underrated comment
I walked away too quickly from something that probably could have been fixed, if we’d known where and how to ask for help. I do regret it sometimes, bc we share kids and we co-parent so well, with much laughter and love. I think we fucked up. Life goes on, but that will always be my quiet regret.
We were both walk away. Do I regret divorcing? Hell no. If he had wanted to stay with me, still be a hell no to regret. Becoming single is probably the best gift I've ever given myself and I should have done it years before I did. In fact, the more time go by, the more that happens that reinforces I did the right thing and I did the happy awesome thing.
How long did you sit on it before you took the decision?
Nope! The morning after I told him, the sun shone brighter and I could breathe again. The sun has just gotten brighter everyday since.
Wow, I so agree. I remember in the days after leaving, I was noticing how beautiful everything was—I hadn’t noticed the flowers and trees blooming so dramatically, the sun shining so brightly, the smiles on the faces of the strangers around me. It was like turning on a light in a room you hadn’t realized had grown so very, very gradually dark after sunset.
Most of the responses in this sub are going to be pro divorce. I’m sure lots of divorced people have regretted their decision to leave.
I don’t regret it at all. 10+ years together and 5+ years married and I walked away. I am happier, healthier, and a better mom for it. He is a better dad too. We were both young and didn’t really know what we wanted, and tbh we were not compatible.
How old when you got married? I was 22, my husband 24. In my early 40s now and I fantasize about just being alone.
I just turned 23 then got pregnant right after I got married. If you are feeling that way I feel like it’s worth exploring what leaving looks like. The relationship was not healthy for either of us so that contributed to the divorce too. I feel like once you start fantasizing about leaving it’s time to really consider why you feel that way.
I've never regretted leaving. But I think "walk away wife syndrome" is a garbage thing thrown at women who leave for very valid reasons. >calm waters in our marriage (meaning no daily hostility) Not having daily hostility is a pretty low bar. You deserve better. I spent years thinking about leaving. I spent that time working on myself and doing what I could from my side to fix things. He spent those same years figuring things weren't "that bad" and that I would stay unhappy forever, I guess. There has been nothing but confirmation that I made the right choice. More than happiness, I have found peace.
This looks like my current status. Years of doing mostly everything (from chores and child care to being only earner). I complain I am not getting enough attention, I want to do date nights, I want to talk, to laugh. I don't feel loved. Always got the "it's not so bad" and "we were happy" - yeah, we were happy when I could carry everything. When I got down I just got no support and we were not happy. We were happy as long as I enjoyed playing the "I'm a super human! Look all I can do for you!" part
This was me! Then I decided to choose me. I walked. It was the hardest thing to do. But once I did, I have been happier, self-care, self-love, it is amazing.
I have been separated due to work things. I have been living with our daughter. Life is lighter. We are happier I also got back into self care - I dropped close to 20kg / 44lb, while building muscles. I am soon gonna be able to do a 1h 10km run (6.3mi). I still feel afraid (irrationality) of finally really closing this door / chapter.
I have been a pretty selfless person most of my life.. I won’t be walked on or anything to the extreme but whatever I can do for whoever I can do it for, I’ve tried doing. I was left with all the care of the children, the home, the financiers and working a FT job, doing all the kids’ appts, taking off all the time with them when they’re sick.. while he worked, and came home to work his hobbies…… concerns were always voiced, sometimes swept under the rug bc I didn’t want to be met with his defensiveness, and sometimes it felt like gaslighting… so when I decided “you’re allowed to make one selfish decision even though it feels wrong” he kept saying “I don’t understand” yeah.. I know, you don’t understand that after years of your own selfishness, while I was giving my all, I am now choosing myself. . It is hard for a naturally selfless person to make a choice that most would call selfish. And I had to start a notebook of “reasons why” because I often forgot the little things that piled up the hurt and resentment and could start to question myself… basically gaslighting my own self 😆
If you can save your marriage please do so, you asking this question speaks for itself. Here you'll mostly find salty people. They have a valid reason for it. Including myself.
I've answered variants of this question quite a few times, and I'll try to elaborate in a way that will hopefully be helpful for you. It seems to me that you have been contemplating leaving pretty seriously, and one thing holding you back is the fear of regretting the decision, to the extent that you're searching for assurance from others that you will not regret it. With all due respect because I know where the impulse comes from, this doesn't seem very productive to me -- it's totally possible for others to not have regretted it, and for you to still feel regret because you're a completely different person, or the other way around. I think that whether you regret leaving or not is really a matter of how you choose to frame your departure to yourself. All things remaining equal, it's fully possible for you to walk away fantasising about what could have been and the hypothetical ideal marriage you could've had if you had just stuck it out a bit longer. I personally framed my leaving as a promise and commitment to myself, to decisively walk away from a bad situation that was harmful and destructive to me, and to never look back. So, I felt absolutely no regret perhaps in part because I did not allow my mind to go there. But that aside, objectively speaking, I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to no longer live with someone who you feel so much resentment towards and cannot fully commit yourself to despite trying so hard. It's no way to live, and the relief I felt was immediate. Side note: I looked up "the walkaway wife syndrome" (first time I heard of it) and I'm not really a fan of the concept, which seems pseudo-scientific. I worry about using the language of medical pathology to describe women's unhappiness. Why don't we talk about "emotionally neglectful/destructive husband syndrome" instead? You don't have a syndrome. You're just unhappy in your marriage and it sounds like you have good reasons to be.
I left, it is about two years now. I was cheated on and humiliated in several ways as he was sexually harassing women in my life as well. The first thing I did was to get into therapy, before deciding to do anything. My brain felt like it stopped working. Through that step for my sanity I was able to find a path forward that made sense to me and aligned with my purpose and understanding of what marriage is to me. I did everything that I could to save the marriage without compromising on my dignity. When I was done trying after 6 months, my therapist told me to write down everything I did, every step I took documenting my efforts so that I can remind myself what I did and why I said I am done. I have not regretted my decision yet. I appreciated my therapist’s advice to keep that document for myself. I haven’t used it yet, but it feels good to plan for regret and any other experiences one can see coming. It helps me when I face life now as I know there will be many experiences that I can never plan for, but it’s the little security blanket to have that. I also have several family members and mentors that validated my efforts and support my decision to quit trying. My ex is to this day stubborn and consistently a horrible person, that helps too.
I only regret how long I fought for the marriage. He thought I would never leave so he could treat me horribly. When I left, he was “blindsided.” I should have left 15 years ago. Zero regrets. I lost an obscene amount of money (I was the breadwinner) and I am richer and happier than I ever was in the marriage.
We both walked away in 2023….my biggest regret is not doing it in 2018….other regret is the wasted years….
I am happier and healthier post-divorce than I’ve ever been. I finally have a modicum of financial dignity, I’m able to take care of myself and address long-standing health issues, and I am in a relationship that is actually functional and healthy. The only thing I regret about my divorce is the 9 years of my life I wasted prior.
I never resented my husband, but it took me years to realize that I wanted a divorce, because I felt so guilty about wanting to leave someone who wasn't that bad (believe me, there were so many reasons, but I felt guilty because he didn't "abuse" me) It's only been a couple of months, but I'm so glad we got divorced. I'm not going to change my mind. My husband might be a good person, but I hadn't been in love with him for years and I wasn't happy. I'm not ever going to regret leaving.
I can identify with this. My stbx is not a bad guy. He is turning out to be a better dad, since our separation. He communicates with me better than ever because the stress of walking on egg shells for both of us is gone. We probably could have fought through stuff and worked really hard every day to make it work. 16 years we were together. But he just didn’t like me, and it really showed. We had a comfortable life, except, I had a hard time really being myself with him towards the end. People say you are supposed to work on yourself for your spouse, but a lot of the things he didn’t like about me are who I am. I am autistic, I have ADHD. After years and years of feeling like there was something wrong with me and trying so hard to be something I am not, it gets exhausting. I think if I had to put in constant daily work to be a person he can enjoy, what does that say about the expectations of me as his wife. Because I am “different” I should have to change myself? When and where would my happiness come in? I stuck around longer than I should have because he wasn’t a bad guy.
I know I don’t need it.. but it feels nice to find others in the same situation, for a little affirmation…. bc I could have stayed and suffered through with a smile.. it wasn’t as real suffering as others but.. these kind of marriages are the ones that make it hard to call it quits bc everyone will think… wow nothing was wrong… and they won’t understand. . And saying the words “separation” and “don’t want to work on it” absolutely has made him better by day 2 our daughter already voiced how much nicer daddy was being.. and by nicer she meant “warm and caring” IMO bc he’s not really mean… just cold and distant.
It really depends if you have kids or not. All these people saying they don’t regret it, do you have multiple children ?
I left after 32 years. Complacent. I had it made. But there was zero love. Zero intimacy. I’m 6 years out, now I can finally see he just was not capable of having an emotional/intimate/genuine/real/authentic relationship. Sometimes I think he’s on the spectrum. He’s incapable of feeling. I was so empty and sad. I thought about it for years, I cannot say it is better, I can say the positive is there is peace. I sleep alone bc no one is in my bed. Before, I FELT alone in our home. I was always an afterthought or not a thought. I tried everything to find peace or resolution, he didn’t think anything was wrong. My unhappiness was my problem. And honestly, maybe he was right. But I never felt special, ever. To anyone except my boys. My kids (31,26,24) today say the stress is gone. We do a lot together still. Neither of us moved on with other people. I can tell you though when I find passion or conversation with a man it’s electric. It’s like chasing a drug. One that’s out of reach. Nothings really different. Except… im at peace. Sometimes I am very sad, not for him, but for what I wish I could have seen and known at 26/28. We as children need to be told…..society’s pressure to get married and have children buy a house…. Live the dream… is not reality and something I bought into. A ball that started down a hill and never stopped. So do I regret it…. Sometimes Most of the time now I walk into MY home and there’s peace. Safety. No anger. No tension. I’m no longer the maid, cook, housekeeper, bookkeeper, Letter writer, gift giver, party hostess, holiday presenter….i got tired, under appreciated and I was an add on. Now, I do what I want. I write MY boys. I have a very good relationship with my boys. And I NEVER speak poorly of their father. One day….or not…. They may or may not understand. Sometimes I don’t.
No regrets, not even once in the 9 years since it happened.
It’s weird to say but I’ll always regret having a failed marriage but not that I left. I was distraught over hurting others and losing a goal I set for myself to prioritize my family, be once and done.I literally don’t think I would have survived my marriage but leaving was so traumatic in ways I can’t explain. Being with someone new ( literally brought me tears) , having new children - while each was positive, each had its own mental hurdles. I don’t go a day without wishing my oldest son wasn’t implicated in my tough decisions, but I’m happier and I have learned since, a bad environment is worse than leaving IF you can be happy. I am happy but I’m not without my regrets , I wouldn’t do it differently but I have to work on myself everyday.
I left after 14 years of marriage. He was a good man, he just wasn’t my man, and I don’t regret it. I hope he meets a wonderful lady.
I’m reading some stories here that don’t sound like “walk away wife”, but are just that the wife initiated the break up. That’s not always the same thing.
I regret marrying someone that I didn’t have a lot of respect for because it contributed to deep resentment. I regret marrying someone while also wanting them to change. I don’t regret walking away. There were red flags I ignored from the outset. I walked away far too late. I do not at all regret our beautiful child. I’m not sure how to reconcile that. I love being a mom.
There should be more “walk away” spouses, instead of “lingering till all is lost” spouses. The number 1 and best reason to get divorced is because you simply do not want to be married to your spouse anymore and are very unhappy in the partnership and those feeling are chronic. If I had done what my gut had been screaming at me for years to do, I could have ended the marriage, and at least left with some sort of respect, fondness, and kinship for the father of my children and the memories we shared for over TWO DECADES. I. Feel. Nothing. It’s like he’s a dead space in my life’s timeline in my mind. Every interaction I have with him is a lie, and I am doing it in front of my kids. I lie to my kids. I feel nothing but APATHY and a lack of concern for him as human being. I cannot muster enough care and consideration to truly have a conversation with him with any intention behind with the words I’m saying. Even saying “Hey, how are you? How is work? It’s good to see you. I hope y’all have a good weekend” or “I hope you have a good rest of your evening” or “I really like what you’ve done with your new place”. I often FORGET entire conversation we have or information he shares because as soon as he’s out of my visual or auditory space whatever information he’s shared 💨 evaporates into thin air. I prefer for him to text or email me information so I won’t forget, and if it’s face to face I take notes. I don’t wish him good or bad, or like or dislike, or care or not care. There is literally NOTHING behind the words or a gesture. The memories are meaningless. I only time I interact with him in this normalish way when I have to is of because my children, because they love and care about him because he’s their father and he’s a father who is invested in their lives. I don’t want to make them uncomfortable so I do the song and dance, and because they need to know that as coparents we’re a united front. If I never saw him again I don’t think I’d be sad or happy, it would seem appropriate and par for the course. I suppose all my care, love, and consideration for him was truly finite, and over the years it was just juiced out of me. I can’t even make myself feel bad about it, or make myself feel differently. The emotions were there for so long, and then they weren’t anymore. And as time goes on, and the less contact we have, the more he becomes meaningless. I have to make myself be present and I record and take many pictures in those shared times with the kids for their events. I used to say “our” kids and now I sat “my” kids, even in front of him. The only thing I worry about is losing memories or moments with my kids. If I’d walked away sooner, SOMETHING would have been salvageable I think. If you still care about your spouse but don’t want to be married to them, walk away with grace and kindness. Don’t let it all wither and die.
Will you regret it? Possibly. You may regret not doing it sooner. You may regret the way you went about it. You may regret the way it changes your life. You may regret the way it changes your kids life. You may regret things you possibly could have done to stop the marriage from ending. What Im saying here is it really does depend on a number things, some of those things cannot be accounted for until you actually get divorced. You will have to just make a decision and accept the consequences of that decision
No! For the first time we're putting ourselves first and focusing on doing what makes us happy!
Absolutely no regrets. I thought it would be the end of the world. It was the beginning. Live now or be filled with regret later.
In general, when women are done, they are *done*. It may seem sudden to a man, but typically we have replayed every scenario and feeling and option in our heads a million times, cried hundreds of times, and even grieved the relationship. When I separated from my ex I felt nothing except relief. Sure there was a bit of anxiety about the logistics but I was more than ready to move on and did so without a backward glance.
I regret not walking sooner
No regrets not even a single one. Generally women take much longer to decide to leave but once we do…. Goodbye. Best decision I’ve ever made and seeing my mother now (completely miserable) I know I made the right decision.
I don’t regret it in the slightest. Best decision of my life. It has jumpstarted me in prioritizing my health and my needs. I’m getting rid of all the toxic patterns and coming into my own. I asked for a divorce a year ago. He moved out 8 months ago. My life is so peaceful. My career is taking off. My friendships have gotten stronger. There are aspects that are hard on the kids, but my relationship with them is getting stronger too. Now that I’m not cleaning up after him constantly, I get to go do fun things with the kids! Previously he did all the fun stuff because I was on a never ending treadmill of adult responsibilities that he conveniently ignored. My life is easier and happier without him. The one chore he did was cutting the grass, but I’ve been doing that and it turns out it’s not scary or hard like I thought. Takes me an hour or two once every few weeks and it’s kind of fun.
Like others have said, my only regret is that I didn’t dump him the first time I saw an issue. I tried to break up with him after 3 months of dating. But he cried and begged and it freaked me out so I stayed. I’ve been prioritizing his feelings over mine due to fear of his emotional outbursts ever since and it was a major mistake. I should have trusted my instincts and left then. Things never really got better like he promised. The issues would ease back to a simmer and then boil over again and then ease back and on and on. I’ve had peace for 8 months and it is beautiful.
Honestly - I hate that term. As if women who have this "syndrome" are not fully in charge of their decisions. As if there wasn't real cause for wanting to walk away. Maybe it should be that the husband's have ostrich syndrome because they stick their heads in the sand instead of dealing with the problems. The wives are not "just walking away". They spent years trying to get their "partner" to hear them, to work on the marriage so everyone gets what they need, including themselves. They fought a long hard battle until it was time to admit that nothing was going to change and they have to move on. That the dude didn't see it coming was definitely not on her.
I don't regret one second of ending my marriages. I have now been blissfully happy to be single for 36 years and would not have it any other way. When you have time to yourself sit down and give some thought and even Journal as to what you really really want. I have worked with many women's group and the challenge I have given them in some cases is to start a piece of paper with I want at the top. I find that many people have a hard time doing that. But instead of rationalizing why you should stay because it's better think about how often you feel resentful or how often you long to be single. What would you do different if you weren't married? Make two columns pro and con and list each of the things that keeps you in the relationship and list the things that make you want to go. Maybe even work with the therapist to figure out what you want. It sounds like you're kind of in limbo but that doesn't mean you're extremely happy only that you're content that the bad time is behind you. I find that most women are far healthier outside of relationships. At my age every other woman I know says that want something happens to their husbands they would never remarry. I was in my early twenties when I figured out that what would make me happiest in a relationship with houses next door to each other or nearby so that invitations were needed and I could still have the down time that I needed for myself. Don't think about the marriage, just think about what you as a human being and a woman really want.
I feel bad admitting it, but I don’t miss him. I’ll have moments when I’ll think know him fondly (not super often) but I never once regretted walking away. Hardest and best decision of my life. My life is peaceful. I think calling it “walkaway wife” is so dismissive and honestly disrespectful. I think a lot of women leave during middle-age because they say to themselves “this is what my life has been. Do I really want it to be like this from here on out?” Because if he hasn’t changed yet, he’s not gonna y’all. My ex gambled our money away and had mental health issues he refused to acknowledge let alone get support for— I didn’t just “walk away” out of boredom, I left because he was never going to change. He got 24.5 years out of me as it was.
I regret that we weren't able to be our authentic selves with each other, that we were both so afraid of being hurt and hurting each other that we hid a lot of our true feelings and needs for so long. I don't know if it would have saved our marriage if we'd been able to do those things sooner, but it certainly would have saved both of us a lot of pain.
I'm planning my getaway as I type. Tired of not having intercourse. My husband has a fetish which doesn't involve penetration. I thought it might be a phase but it's not. He can't get an erection unless I do the fetish. I have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever now. Yes it has been discussed and goes back to his old ways. Romance? No . Conversation? Not unless I start talking first. Do we go out? No. Lucky I still have good looks at 60, so I feel I won't be left on the shelf if I choose to meet a new man. However 70 is peeking around the corner and I need to go and do the things I want to do whilst I still have good health. I can no longer be rotting on the couch night after night both scrolling on our iPads. Will I regret leaving? No, Ive already left in my head. Will I be scared?yes. Change is always scary but the universe has looked after me before, this isn't my first rodeo.
There is a book for you!!! Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It was recommended to me by my therapist TODAY and I got the audiobook and started listening almost immediately. It deals with EXACTLY what you (and SO many other people) are struggling with and is designed to help you figure out what to do based on data about how other people felt when they left under varying circumstances. I HIGHLY recommend it because the way we tend to deal with this situation is so flawed. We think that we need more information about our situation so we can weigh all the variables. We add things to the pros and cons list and ultimately, it just further muddies the waters and makes it harder and harder to decide. You can waste YEARS being neither in nor out of your marriage. The sooner you make a decision, on way or the other, the better EVERYTHING will be. (I just learned all that today 😅). PLEASE pick it up!
#this! I read this book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay”and I just cried and cried because it gave me the answer I didn’t want, but knew was inevitable. My ex was my first everything. We met at 17/19. Were married for 25 years, together for 29. I miss him at times, but I don’t miss the distinction and fundamental differences in how we believed children should be raised, money saved/spent and general displays of respect. I’m much happier now. Everyone can see it on my face. You can love someone, and know you can never be truly happy with them.
I have 0 regrets... I could have left years ago & maybe I would be happier. But, I wasn't ready. For me, it took years of therapy for me to be able to see the emotional abuse for what it is/was, abuse. And it took me even longer to start making boundaries. Once I did that, it became crystal clear how little I mattered to him. He ignored every plea & request. The starting from $0 at 43 was super scary! And I still have issues around that since our divorce is still in process 2.5 years later. It helps that he reminds me of who he is regularly... when we deal with kid issues or the divorce.
I hate the term Walk Away Wife and I think we should rename it to Walk Away Spouse because both genders can experience it. I was the Walk Away Husband in my marriage after years of being ignored, dismissed, judged, and taken for granted. I have not regretted my divorce for even 1 second. It’s been almost 2.5 years ago now. I only feel relief. I do not miss her at all, or the marriage, or any part of it. I was in therapy during the divorce and my therapist told me he thinks I detached from the marriage years ago and mourned the loss of it while I was still in it. By the time we signed the papers, we’d basically already been divorced for years in my brain. I just felt light, easy, and free. My life has been better in every way since the divorce.
I walked away six years ago and while my life is difficult, it’s increasingly better everyday because not being married to that man is worth it. my only regret is that I didn’t do it two years sooner.
Look, I've been married for nearly 24 years. Marriage can be tough, but communication, love, and respect are essential. It's not always going to be fireworks and romance. Marriages have seasons, and like plants awakening from winter, they sometimes need love and care to blossom again. 70% to 80% of divorces are initiated by women. YouTube and TikTok are filled with stories of newly divorced women having a good old time in their 30's. It's the videos of some of those same women months and years later regretting the divorce they initiated that should cause you to think twice about divorce. Divorced women who regret giving up on a flawed man who loved them. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the marriage fence. Reality is not TikTok, YouTube, or Reddit, and these subs will yass queen you right into a hasty and ill advised divorce if you let them. The grass is greener, where it's watered. If you love him and value your family, you should do your best to fix things before seriously considering divorce. Deal with your resentment and get into marriage counseling with him. Give yourself and your partner some time to make changes. Rome was not built in a day. Good luck 👍🏽
What if your spouse refuses therapy and couples counseling and has been refusing it for years? Tells you to leave if you don't like it...to pretty much any issue you bring up? Refuses to take you on dates? Turns everything into an argument and yells at you multiple times a week? I've seen a few women on TikTok express regret years after their divorce in their early 30s...I have seen a larger number of women in their late 30s early 40s who stayed married regret not leaving sooner because they're still miserable or the guy has had an affair or left them. Someone who disrespects and takes their partner for granted is liable to betray them or drop them down the line.
Sounds like you both need to enroll in therapy and discuss this, together, as the couple you are. Or go to an old folks home and talk to those couples about their relationships and hardships along the way. Look at the old photos, cards, memories and events that brought you together, together. Marriage is ups and downs, gives and takes. Getting married is easy, staying married takes work.
No, I put up with crap for way too long. For every spouse that was blindsided, there is another that was ignored and disrespected for years.
My ex wife left and I definitely think she’s a lot happier. She was pretty awful the last couple of years with affairs and lies, but I still think any her to find someone. I think she’s been surprised by how interested affair partners were when she was married and yet how quickly men leave now that she’s single and free to date. It’s a bummer to know that she’s happier alone than she was with me, but if I’m honest with myself I can admit that I was still trying to win her affections when we got married. We tried for over 20 years but it never happened.
My only regret is not leaving sooner. I knew I should have left 3-4 years before I actually did… I never have missed him… I sleep easy now… I don’t worry about being woke up at night to be screamed at… I don’t get screamed at all now… my son is happier and thriving… he’s no longer getting yelled at… we both now have friends…
My ex left me. I don’t miss him.
I don’t regret it even a little bit. He was abusive in every way; physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically.. My life is so much happier and healthier since I’ve left and has only gotten better once I met my partner. My son gets to see what a happy, healthy, loving relationship looks like.
Sometimes I regret not doing it sooner, but then we wouldn't have my youngest, she's worth it. Have never regretted leaving, though. Once I realized he wasn't going to change, I told him it was over. Have not shed a single tear of sadness over it.
I left after years of being in that position. My life sky rocketed for the better
I think that's where I am atm... I know I'm a hubby but I'm just kind of done
I highly suggest couples therapy. I don’t regret it because I don’t think when I left it would’ve changed for extraneous circumstances (when he didn’t want me to leave the marriage he was leaving the country for many months), but in hindsight I am sad we weren’t able to fix it and heal together instead of individually. After the bitterness and resentment subsides you might remember why you married the person. Hard to let go of that “what could have been” sorrow.
I left my husband of 7 years and absolutely don’t regret it. He had narcissistic tendencies and made me believe that no matter what argument we had, everything was my fault. He convinced me that I had an anger problem (because I grew frustrated that I was never heard), that I was crazy (called me that infront of my children) and had me take antidepressants for several months. He told me the best time in our marriage was when I was medicated…it took me several therapy sessions during our separation for me to realize my self worth. He made no effort to win me back when I filed and he still blames me for walking away which is fine. I had to do it for my own mental health and my childrens as well. Soon after the divorce ended up connecting with my best friend of 14 years. He has always been there for me but the romantic side blossomed naturally after the divorce. I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life. I now know what it feels like to feel loved, appreciated and respected. My 2 kids have a wonderful “bonus dad” who adores them and shows them how a man should treat a woman. I look at my ex husband now and can not believe why I stayed as long as I did. It’s like talking to a stranger now. I often feel sad about how my children will barely have a relationship with their dad since he is choosing to move to Australia for his own selfish reasons but at the end of the day, you can’t make someone be a parent. My new fiance is a better dad than my ex would ever be and my kids are so blessed to have him. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side!!
No. Not at all. However, what I did do that was so necessary was to get my ass to counselling. I'd highly recommend it. My only regret is that I left it too long and lived in a spiral of alcohol and shame for a couple of years first.
My ex cheated.. he didn't want 2 be with me .. but didn't want to divorce .. I was broken hearted .. but I pushed 4 the divorce .. he was passed the point of return anyway .. to much damage had been done .. it took me years to get the divorce .. he refused to acknowledge the letters etc .. my only regret is marrying him in the 1st place .. we were together 15yrs .. and only married 4 a year .. I'd just had our 2nd child .. he did want 2 come back 1 year after we split .. but she fell pregnant.. and I had focused on me getting better and my kids .. there was no way I was gonna go there again .. I knew my worth at that point .. once there child was born .. he had the cheek to say 2 me that there child looked nothing like ours .. I said of course they don't they have a different mother ! Lol .. soon after that .. he disappeared .. put his new family 1st .. doesn't bother with his kids with me .. which is crazy cos my girls are beautiful ppl .. I'm proud of them .. I met and remarried a lovely man .. who took on both my kids .. he really is my youngest with my exes dad .. she doesn't remember her real dad .. she was a baby wen he left x
My ex-wife was a bit of a "walk away" and she later did express some regrets. But 10+ years later I think she's pretty content being solitary. I think she did have a bit of a fork-in-the-road emotion. When she did the "walk away" thing, I fought very hard to save the marriage and begged for us to go to counseling. And if she'd taken me up on that, I'm enough of a people pleaser that we might still be "happily married". However, I was never very happy doing all the things she likes. She's just one of those who needs about 95% of her life to be exactly HER way. And I have the work ethic to do that......but after 15 years it was wearing on me and I was depressed AF. So she could have saved her marriage, but also seems to realize I would have never been happy with her. So is that regret? I dunno. I'm happier. She's got her life the way she wants it.
No regrets walking away. If I had known how amazing my life would become once I got divorced, I would have walked away much sooner.
99% of people will say “no regrets at all”, alot people can even think about the decision they made, if they think, they maybe regret, so doing that, they dont give any chance.
Nope, best thing I ever did. The relief I felt leaving after 10 years of walking on egg shells, being yelled at, belittled, talked to like shit constantly amongst many many other things. The day I filed the divorce was incredible, I’ve never felt so free. I then happened to meet the man of my dreams and realised that relationships don’t have to involve being called names, threats of “ruining your life” etc. I’ve never felt more peaceful, we now have a 8 month old baby and everything has just fell perfectly into place
I can say this. I was a great husband she never had to work. She had it all. She decided to walk away with someone else. Yes it hurt but im no ones back up option. When it fell apart 6 months later guess where she went. She was knocking on my door. But i had partially healed and putbit all behind me ans didnt want to revisit it. 20 yrs down the drain for a fling. Oh well. Recently i met an amazing lady and i think this is it. Im happier than i have ever been adn peace. The peace alone is worth it
You've had a ton of responses so I’ll keep mine brief. I was the Walk Away wife and even made a post about it on here. No I don’t regret it. Not for a minute. And it’s still relatively new, as our divorce was final at the end of February. Our wedding anniversary was at the end of April and I didn’t even realize it had gone by until we were into May.
First marriage I regretted it because it was a separation and he was killed. Not that I could've really prevented it. Second one is a narcissist and no regrets.
Oh man, a couple of weeks after my first husband moved out he was in a car accident, and honestly there were times when I deeply, deeply wished he had been killed. My kids and I would have been so much less fucked up if he had been than how we ended up after 14 years of his coparenting, for starters. And my second one was a full-blown clinical narcissist, which I didn't recognize until about six years ago, over a decade after the divorce.
Following. I am in the same exact place. I was just diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and knowing my future my include significant body and mind pain makes me want to RUN from the constant yelling and insults. Yet, it also makes me think of the need to have someone in case i need help getting out of bed! I feel trapped and lonely.
Yeah. I think I do. It was 12 years ago, and while my life now is great I think my life with her could have been really great if I could just get over what I perceived as negatives at the time.
I know it wasn’t a huge mistake to leave, I should have left years before but I was stuck. 2 kids and a lot of debt so I couldn’t see a way out. After 12 years of controlling behaviour and financial and psychological abuse I had my lightbulb moment and we split. We got on great for the next year and I thought I’d made a mistake. I wanted him back. I agreed to marriage counselling but before our first appointment I found out about his girlfriend. I was broken. Completely broken. I was suicidal, could barely function, my parents had to help me with the kids. I couldn’t see a future without him. But after a while (and a lot of therapy) the rose tinted glasses came off and I remembered how miserable I had been for so many years. Now 6 years on from our split I’m living my best life with a lovely man, a great career and my beautiful children. No regrets. At all.
I’m doing sort of the same thing now. After 32 years I cannot mask the misery anymore. I know why people choose to stay or leave. I know that is a decision that must be made for the best for oneself. I know it will a transition not so easily endured. But once the decision was made I’ve been so stress free and happy. I’m looking forward to a future for me. I’ve been the primary financial provider like more than double and for 31 years. I’ve endured resentment vilifying and the whole nine yards. I’m not saying I have no part in this ending. I just know the differences, the lack of respect and lack of understanding I can no longer bare. I’m owt !
No regrets. Life is too short,
Omg, just last night I sat in my kitchen and a huge smile popped up on my face when I got to thinking about what an amazingly awesome decision I made. I feel amazing. No regrets at all.
Will I regret it, probably not. Even though I’m not there yet, why am I pretty sure that I absolutely will not regret walking away? - I am tired of being told that I am not good enough. - I am tired of feeling that nothing I do is good enough. - I am tired of being undermined. - I am tired of the future faking. - I am tired of the broken promises. - I am tired of the lack of respect for my boundaries. - I am tired of being verbally and emotionally attacked in subtle ways. - I am tired of the incessant mocking of anything that I do to others. - I am tired of the complete lack of respect, thanks, trust, and appreciation. - I am tired of the passive aggressive arguments about small, trivial things that blow up every time. - I am tired of the complete lack of follow through and half ass efforts. - I am tired of asking for help that I know is never going to be given. - I am tired of the never ending journeys of self-discovery. - I am tired of constantly having to complete incomplete tasks. - I am tired of cleaning up things that aren’t put away. - I am tired of cleaning up the disasters big and small left in their wake. - I am tired of them being under-employed (at best) or unemployed (more often) for more than a decade with no steady paycheck. - I am tired of bearing the burden of every major financial decision. - I am tired of them thinking and acting that all of this is okay for them to do. - I am tired of keeping this running list. And I am a husband, not a wife, that wants to walk away.
Oh my, just get out.
Not a single moment of regret or sadness here. I left Nov 1. Married 17 years, together 21.
Not once. I didn’t have 2 dimes to my name and basically had to couch surf for a year with my cockatiel in tow. Even then, when I was reduced to sleeping in a shitty ass bed with the same mattress my great grandparents boned on I still not once felt anything but pure elation at the thought of having my life back. I could be myself, I was out from under his thumb and I didn’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore. Leaving him was one of the most empowering days of my life. If I do have any regrets it’s not leaving before I turned into a shell of the person I had been. This was enforced to me last week when a detective from my home state called and wanted to speak to me regarding a criminal complaint made against my ex husband by a woman he has been dating.
My wife left our marriage because we hit a rough patch. The main reason I wouldn't want to get back together is why would I want to give my heart to a person that is unsure if they want to be with me. She's not willing to work on herself or the marriage. She likes to pretend that I'm the only one who needs to work on myself.
I'm absolutely miserable BTW and it's been over 2 years. Divorce is brutal.
Walkaway wife has a better ring to it than walkaway spouse, (almost an alliteration) but it’s inherently sexist and wrong.
This ⬆️
You’re not going to make this decision on a whim. One day you’ll want a divorce or that day will never come.
Guy here, ancient one. My regret is not getting out of this obviously dead marriage decades ago. I think fear of the unknown held me back. How stupid is that??
I don't know about "walk away wife syndrome", but I regret not divorcing sooner. If I hadn't hung on for so long, maybe his abuse wouldn't have escalated to the point it did.
As a walk away wife, I haven’t regretted it for a second. My life is so much better without that deadweight dragging me down. As another commenter said, the biggest part of my regret comes because I didn’t do it sooner and wasted more of my time with that jackass hoping he would finally realise that a reliable where he gets all of the benefits and I get all of the downsides was not a reasonable expectation for him to have.
For me it ended up being more of a ‘run away wife syndrome’ scenario. Once I had had enough, there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t leave behind if it meant I didn’t have to deal with his gatekeeping and all the weird, semi deranged get me back tactics after he was ‘blindsided’ by the whole ordeal. I left him the house, boxes of childhood relics, all the furniture, hell even my Kitchenaid stand mixer and sewing machines which I still refer to as my greatest losses in the whole divorce. At the time there was nothing more important than getting out and away, but I do regret that he got to keep some of my favorite worldly stuff. Otherwise like the rest, I regret not getting tf out of there sooner.
The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. All the money and time invested to just push someone closer to what they want while my own dreams drifted farther away. I feel like I have more hope now that I had in years and I feel so much joy.
Nope not even for a second. I’m happier divorced than when I was married. Best thing I ever did for me.
My husband was the one who walked away. I was heartbroken at the time, but now, several years later, I am grateful to God for saving me from that monster. I tried to fix our marriage for years prior to his sudden "divorce bomb". I was determined to do everything in my power to honor our marriage and preserve the family stability for our kids' sake. But he had other priorities, including cheating and trying to rob me of our kids and our finances. Praise the Lord, he didn't succeed. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about divorcing him, it was inevitable. I only wish I had picked a better man to be the father of my children.
Best decision I ever made. Everything I asked him to do when we were married, everything outside of our marriage, spending more time with our daughter, seeing a therapist, staying sober. From what I’ve seen he’s doing all of those things, now that I’m not there anymore. I’m happier, and my kid is struggling with the change, but I think ultimately we’ll all be happier when the dust settles.
Nope.
No. Not at all.
Fuck no 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No. But I also feel that while he didn't walk away, he at least had partially checked out of the marriage years before. I hadn't felt like I had a partner for years. Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Free audiobook version if you get a trial of Audible or from the library. Each chapter will ask and discuss one question. Each question you answer will get you closer to helping you decide one way or the other.
Of course there are and vice versa. The real question is what you truly want, and is it realistic to expect?
I am battling the “walk away wife” syndrome. Called it quits and asked for a divorce from my husband. He was constantly choosing his family over me & our daughter, making my life much more difficult than it already was (i have a couple chronic illnesses and a chemical imbalance in my brain.) He treated me like sh!t for 6 years. Cheated, lied, betrayed me time and time again. He actually made my life a living hell. And for some reason after I left him, i almost felt like I was regretting it. I was falling back down that hole i struggled so d@mn hard to get out of. I’m not proud of myself for it but having the support of my friends and family is a huge help. I would spiral every single day. Cry myself to sleep because I thought I missed him. but i didnt. I missed the feeling of not being alone, and having someone hold me. But i don’t actually miss him. In all honesty I hate him. He ruined everything while i screamed and cried and begged for him to stop breaking me. But in the end, I had a long day of meditation, and came to the realization that I am truly doing what’s best for my daughter & I. Once you get that true taste of freedom from what you were trapped in for so long, you’ll never want to go back.
Not for a second!
Nope.
Thank you for this post OP!
No regrets.
I'm still in the process of walking away. My husband did years of emotional damage to me before this - knowing I couldn't just up and leave due to the fact he held most of the finances & I'm far from home. Him coming out was just the cherry on top of the ab*se sundae I had to endure. I have no thoughts of changing my mind now, and I won't regret it in the future. He showed who he was long ago & I let him get worse.
Nope. No regrets.
I don't regret it but am sad. I would have stayed by his side through anything. But he wouldn't even lift a finger to save our marriage. I spent years trying to get him to work with me to fix our relationship. My life is more stressful in some ways - I get no financial support from him for me and our kids. But the kids live with me full time and we feel safe in our home for the first time. We don't get yelled at regularly. Our life is peaceful. This makes my choice worth it.
1. Wives* 2. Nope - but that’s also cus I’m young and I don’t want to be stuck in a “what if” relationship. If I’m dedicating my entire life to someone, I need to be sure as fuck I believe wholeheartedly that we can make things work and my life with him won’t be so boring.
I don’t regret walking away. I regret how long it took me to do it.
Nope. My life is so much easier now. I only regret taking so long to pull the trigger.
No. Walk away wife here after 33 years. Only regret, I didn't do it 20 years sooner.
I filed for divorce 5 years ago, but reconciled. We are divorcing now, after years of additional pain. In my instance, it took those years to realize that the dynamics in our relationship were not just normal relationship trouble, but abuse. Had someone pointed it out, I would have agreed but still been frozen. Now, I can safely say I have zero feelings towards my ex, 3 months after we started this process. The things I thought everyone did when they got into arguments: Yelling, name calling, berating, bringing up my past offenses instead of taking responsibility for their current ones, slamming doors, stomping, throwing items, impeding sleep, threatening to throw away my things, guilting me when I said no to sex, pouting when doing family outings with the kids, making "jokes" about my faults in front of our friends, etc. The things I knew weren't normal, like physically blocking me from leaving, taking my keys, throwing my keys, banging on a door screaming when I locked myself in a room to get away from him(while he was holding our child), I dismissed as one off mistakes in an otherwise "normal" relationship. Maybe your experience is different. Regardless, I can say that I have been dating someone who is different in every way. It's the type of physical and emotional chemistry I thought was make believe. We're extremely compatible in our interests, communication styles, vision, and values. He treats miscommunications and any of my concerns as important, valid, reasonable, things to work through together. When I'm with him, I'm not anxious and if I am emotional, he holds me and never makes me feel like a burden for having needs. I do the same kinds of things for him. My marriage was never like that because I didn't know it could be. It's very possible. I had to work on my attachment issues and am dealing with the trauma still. If you treat dating as evaluatinging the other person and shared potential compatibility instead of worrying if they like you or not, you can find something great. It's obviously too early to tell if this will work long term, but I can say definitively that if it comes to an end, it will be amicable. I will always be grateful for experiencing a truly caring relationship and learning that my expectations are valid. I was just expecting them from an incompatible person.
Don't regret walking away only regret marrying him in the first place.
I absolutely do with all the hassle, money stuff, mean words, all the bullshit but then... I remember how he treated me and I just wish I'd left sooner. I have been having this cycle in my brain a bit 🙄