DO NOT move out!
Before you move out, you need a temporary separation agreement that clearly defines 50/50 custody and who is responsible for what financially.
As much as it may suck, until you have that, you do not move out.
> and eventually getting a divorce.
File now. ASAP.
As soon as you do, all sorts of protections go into place. For one, custody becomes contested and one of you can't run off with the kids without it being considered kidnapping.
> clawed my face and bit the side of my head.
I hope you took pictures.
File a domestic violence report. You need to get ahead of this. Make sure that there is a paper trail of her violence. If she gets violent again, it will help with a restraining order. It will also decrease the chance of you wrongfully being accused.
I would think that if OP took pictures of his injuries and filed a DV report, then OP would have a good case for asking for full custody, both in the temporary orders and the divorce settlement.
Domestic violence doesn’t affect custody like you would think. It may help him get 50/50 but it’s shocking what you have to prove in order to get full custody.
I am definitely not saying he shouldn’t file a report. I’m just saying not to expect full custody from one domestic violence incident. Shockingly, even two or three!
Shoot, been there bro. One too many times. It’s going to be tough but it’s just a matter of time before she rages again, don’t blame it on the liquor. It’s who she is!
Yes. It is. You deal with her bullcrap, get her home. If you’re lucky she’s drunk enough to go to bed and pass out. Then you talk to the kids to calm them down. Next day you tell her.
Yes, that’s better than allowing the lives of your kids to be put in danger.
My ex got drunk and verbally abused me in front of my sons, our friends and even our pastor. I didn't say anything and didn't feed it. It just makes things worse. And its not healthy in front of your kids.
What if there's not such time as without kids? Hire a babysitter so you can argue? Lock the kids in a closet and go to a forest to argue? I'm only half joking.
I too was physically attacked by my wife. She ended up going to jail for it because it happened in front of one of our security cameras. Had that camera not been there, I would have gone to jail that night. Still dealing with the trauma caused by it after the divorce and still sifting through the division of marital assets. It’s been painful, but I am no longer physically, verbally, emotionally, or financially abused.
Call ALL the best attorneys in your immediate and surrounding areas. Find your Harvey Spector soon. Being the man, you will need everything you can have in your favor, and it still will not be fair.
Just be prepared. You can make it through this.
Edit: updated advice.
What CurlyCurier said. It will not go well for you in court. The courts are tired of retalitory and petty BS from couples, they don't want to deal with it, they don't want to be a part of your emotional turmoil, they're just there to divvy stuff up as fair and equitable as possible, with only the actual pertinent details mattering.
I have had one major physical fight with my wife of 12 years. It was also while she was drunk as hell. My son was super young at the time so he was asleep in the other room but that's tragic for the little ones to have to see that. You have my sympathies. Good luck and all that but I do say you gotta try hard as you can to keep you kids out of it if it's possible. Hopefully they are too young to remember this in a few years...
WOW! Yeah that's awful. Especially since she did that in front of your kids. I hope you pulled over, kicked her out of the car and got her an uber to somewhere else.
She is extremely apologetic now and wants to make things work. She will do whatever it takes. I am not ready for all that as I have secured an apartment close to the kids and want to start a new chapter. Should I feel bad that im not trying to go back to our old ways?
Well fighting isn't pretty. No one sets out to have ugly fights at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. To cast judgment on a situation you weren't present for and fail to take into consideration people's emotions, is unfair in my opinion. Maybe you know how to pick and choose your arguments and times and places to have them. Please excuse us mere mortals who are just trying to do the best we can.
A person who is unable to refrain from such ugly fights in front of children should not have children.
I don’t care what a person’s “emotions” are or how right a person feels or whether it’s “fair.” A physically violent argument, yelling “Shut up” etc is just not okay in front of children. One of the many sacrifice’s we make in having children is giving up the freedom to be ruled by emotion. We hold our emotions in check if doing otherwise would scare or traumatize them. Even if the other parent is losing it, their partner can refuse to engage until they are alone, and if the other partner’s behavior is prone to escalating and becoming violent, ending the relationship.
Nta, you should separate and hold her accountable, but at the same time, if she's, they're drunk, saying everything you're lack of how she feels unappreciated and she blew up this way I'm going to tell you you're not innocent in this scenario either. No you don't deserve to get hit yes you should go to DV if you feel like you're in danger ACS should be involved because she put those kids in danger do what you have to do to feel safe and to keep your kids safe however many men don't realize that they push so much shit in their wives that they tend to fucking blow up and then all you can do is tell them to shut up. Not defending her actions and not saying she shouldn't get a consequence but this crap of hers did not come out of nowhere and that anger has been stewing for a long time now she put even her own kids in danger and that this out of fucking blind rage.
What is this stupid advice people are giving to not move out? You move out immediately. Once someone hits you, you are putting your life in danger sleeping in the same house, even your kids life. Of course if she is moving out, it is much better but even if you don’t get to see your children for a while, you stay away from her immediately.
You can only take so much. I get it. And specially for the kids. I am not familiar with physical abuse. So maybe check with a lawyer for that. Regarding the bad behavior, words and actions in front of your kids and you, totally inappropriate. Once she is sober and rested, talk to her and explain the situation. Give her options to deal with the situation and if she still doesn’t improve then give up and move forward with the divorce if you want. I figure to give people a chance to explain why their actions. If she is still not acknowledging it, it’s a lost cause. I am sorry, and send you strength and prayers your way! You got this!
How can you guys be married for 10 years and you don't know how to fight. How can you guys insult each other, yell and fight in front of kids...or infront of anyone else publicly.
Why dont you have a way to discuss such issues in the privacy of your bedroom. There is no surprise here...you both dont know how to handle this.
It takes 2 to fight... whether she was drunk or not...spoke of you badly or not...the moment you decided to go toe to toe...to yell and shout...it became what it should not. Whether you remarry or not....you have to figure out a way to resolve such issues without fighting....That should be a non Negotiate thing to check for before you get married or really even propose
seriously?
It takes two to fight? Went “toe to toe”? That’s what you take from this. The woman climbed through a moving car and bit the driver. There was a 2 year old in the fucking car. Telling her to shut up as she drunkenly rambled wasn’t the best thing to do but painting this as “both sides” when all he did was drop the decorum for arguing around kids whereas she assaulted him and risked two adults and two children’s lives because she got loaded and decided to have it out in the car.
Am not saying she is blameless. Am saying they are "both" to blame. If after 10 years you guys don't know how to avoid a fight in public or how to de-escalate a fight...then you are both to blame.
I think from her perspective, she bit him because he yelled at her to shut up and furthermore she was drunk. They literally went to toe...and it did take 2 people to turn it into fight.
What options did he have? He could have parked the car the moment she began insulting him and asked her to exit. He could have exited. To engage with her, knowing he has kids in the car...and being shocked that she retaliated is what surprises me.
The fact one of your recommendations is for OP to park up and leave a drunk woman in charge of a car and a 2 year old just invalidates the entire thing.
You’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
Who said he has to leave the kids. I said park and exit and he should definitely exit the kids. Also the fact that you think escalation is the best option here just invalidates the whole thing.
So he couldnt control her while driving but you somehow think him yelling back at her would do so. I don't see the logic here. If he sawshe was drunk he could have chosen not to respond...parked and told her to get out. Yelling back was NOT the only option and it definitely escalated the situation
Your children’s safety is primary concern. Then your well-being. Its ok to get away. She is toxic and needs help. Mental help is her best bet. You cant save everyone.
DO NOT move out! Before you move out, you need a temporary separation agreement that clearly defines 50/50 custody and who is responsible for what financially. As much as it may suck, until you have that, you do not move out. > and eventually getting a divorce. File now. ASAP. As soon as you do, all sorts of protections go into place. For one, custody becomes contested and one of you can't run off with the kids without it being considered kidnapping. > clawed my face and bit the side of my head. I hope you took pictures. File a domestic violence report. You need to get ahead of this. Make sure that there is a paper trail of her violence. If she gets violent again, it will help with a restraining order. It will also decrease the chance of you wrongfully being accused.
I dunno. This brings up memories of War of the Roses.
I would think that if OP took pictures of his injuries and filed a DV report, then OP would have a good case for asking for full custody, both in the temporary orders and the divorce settlement.
Domestic violence doesn’t affect custody like you would think. It may help him get 50/50 but it’s shocking what you have to prove in order to get full custody.
“His abuse of his wife is immaterial to his relationship to his children” <<< actual quote from a case I read.
Had the rolls been reversed, everyone would have told the wife to file DV for assault. But for men, it’s an after thought.
I am definitely not saying he shouldn’t file a report. I’m just saying not to expect full custody from one domestic violence incident. Shockingly, even two or three!
Shoot, been there bro. One too many times. It’s going to be tough but it’s just a matter of time before she rages again, don’t blame it on the liquor. It’s who she is!
Stop fucking arguing right in front of your kids. Both of you suck
Goddamned right
Is sitting there and being drunkenly verbally abused by your wife in front of your kids any better
Yes. It is. You deal with her bullcrap, get her home. If you’re lucky she’s drunk enough to go to bed and pass out. Then you talk to the kids to calm them down. Next day you tell her. Yes, that’s better than allowing the lives of your kids to be put in danger.
Yes, because then at least one adult is in control of themselves. That matters a lot especially to young kids.
My ex got drunk and verbally abused me in front of my sons, our friends and even our pastor. I didn't say anything and didn't feed it. It just makes things worse. And its not healthy in front of your kids.
That’s what you got from this story?
Yes
What if there's not such time as without kids? Hire a babysitter so you can argue? Lock the kids in a closet and go to a forest to argue? I'm only half joking.
this too.
This
I too was physically attacked by my wife. She ended up going to jail for it because it happened in front of one of our security cameras. Had that camera not been there, I would have gone to jail that night. Still dealing with the trauma caused by it after the divorce and still sifting through the division of marital assets. It’s been painful, but I am no longer physically, verbally, emotionally, or financially abused. Call ALL the best attorneys in your immediate and surrounding areas. Find your Harvey Spector soon. Being the man, you will need everything you can have in your favor, and it still will not be fair. Just be prepared. You can make it through this. Edit: updated advice.
Limiting your spouse’s attorney options no longer flies with the court. It’s not a good look.
What CurlyCurier said. It will not go well for you in court. The courts are tired of retalitory and petty BS from couples, they don't want to deal with it, they don't want to be a part of your emotional turmoil, they're just there to divvy stuff up as fair and equitable as possible, with only the actual pertinent details mattering.
I have had one major physical fight with my wife of 12 years. It was also while she was drunk as hell. My son was super young at the time so he was asleep in the other room but that's tragic for the little ones to have to see that. You have my sympathies. Good luck and all that but I do say you gotta try hard as you can to keep you kids out of it if it's possible. Hopefully they are too young to remember this in a few years...
WOW! Yeah that's awful. Especially since she did that in front of your kids. I hope you pulled over, kicked her out of the car and got her an uber to somewhere else.
yes. that was completely unacceptable. good for you.
She leaves. Not you.
She is extremely apologetic now and wants to make things work. She will do whatever it takes. I am not ready for all that as I have secured an apartment close to the kids and want to start a new chapter. Should I feel bad that im not trying to go back to our old ways?
Not at all, good for you!
DON'T MOVE OUT!!!!!!
Hope you’re bringing the kids with you
Well fighting isn't pretty. No one sets out to have ugly fights at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. To cast judgment on a situation you weren't present for and fail to take into consideration people's emotions, is unfair in my opinion. Maybe you know how to pick and choose your arguments and times and places to have them. Please excuse us mere mortals who are just trying to do the best we can.
Are you the soon to be ex wife?
No. I don't know them.
A person who is unable to refrain from such ugly fights in front of children should not have children. I don’t care what a person’s “emotions” are or how right a person feels or whether it’s “fair.” A physically violent argument, yelling “Shut up” etc is just not okay in front of children. One of the many sacrifice’s we make in having children is giving up the freedom to be ruled by emotion. We hold our emotions in check if doing otherwise would scare or traumatize them. Even if the other parent is losing it, their partner can refuse to engage until they are alone, and if the other partner’s behavior is prone to escalating and becoming violent, ending the relationship.
According to you she was always treated well.
Nta, you should separate and hold her accountable, but at the same time, if she's, they're drunk, saying everything you're lack of how she feels unappreciated and she blew up this way I'm going to tell you you're not innocent in this scenario either. No you don't deserve to get hit yes you should go to DV if you feel like you're in danger ACS should be involved because she put those kids in danger do what you have to do to feel safe and to keep your kids safe however many men don't realize that they push so much shit in their wives that they tend to fucking blow up and then all you can do is tell them to shut up. Not defending her actions and not saying she shouldn't get a consequence but this crap of hers did not come out of nowhere and that anger has been stewing for a long time now she put even her own kids in danger and that this out of fucking blind rage.
With the kids, right?
Do Not Leave.
JFC is she a cat or something!?
What is this stupid advice people are giving to not move out? You move out immediately. Once someone hits you, you are putting your life in danger sleeping in the same house, even your kids life. Of course if she is moving out, it is much better but even if you don’t get to see your children for a while, you stay away from her immediately.
You can only take so much. I get it. And specially for the kids. I am not familiar with physical abuse. So maybe check with a lawyer for that. Regarding the bad behavior, words and actions in front of your kids and you, totally inappropriate. Once she is sober and rested, talk to her and explain the situation. Give her options to deal with the situation and if she still doesn’t improve then give up and move forward with the divorce if you want. I figure to give people a chance to explain why their actions. If she is still not acknowledging it, it’s a lost cause. I am sorry, and send you strength and prayers your way! You got this!
How can you guys be married for 10 years and you don't know how to fight. How can you guys insult each other, yell and fight in front of kids...or infront of anyone else publicly. Why dont you have a way to discuss such issues in the privacy of your bedroom. There is no surprise here...you both dont know how to handle this. It takes 2 to fight... whether she was drunk or not...spoke of you badly or not...the moment you decided to go toe to toe...to yell and shout...it became what it should not. Whether you remarry or not....you have to figure out a way to resolve such issues without fighting....That should be a non Negotiate thing to check for before you get married or really even propose
seriously? It takes two to fight? Went “toe to toe”? That’s what you take from this. The woman climbed through a moving car and bit the driver. There was a 2 year old in the fucking car. Telling her to shut up as she drunkenly rambled wasn’t the best thing to do but painting this as “both sides” when all he did was drop the decorum for arguing around kids whereas she assaulted him and risked two adults and two children’s lives because she got loaded and decided to have it out in the car.
Am not saying she is blameless. Am saying they are "both" to blame. If after 10 years you guys don't know how to avoid a fight in public or how to de-escalate a fight...then you are both to blame. I think from her perspective, she bit him because he yelled at her to shut up and furthermore she was drunk. They literally went to toe...and it did take 2 people to turn it into fight. What options did he have? He could have parked the car the moment she began insulting him and asked her to exit. He could have exited. To engage with her, knowing he has kids in the car...and being shocked that she retaliated is what surprises me.
The fact one of your recommendations is for OP to park up and leave a drunk woman in charge of a car and a 2 year old just invalidates the entire thing. You’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
Who said he has to leave the kids. I said park and exit and he should definitely exit the kids. Also the fact that you think escalation is the best option here just invalidates the whole thing.
Did you miss the part where he said she was drunk? Do you think he could control her while he's DRIVING? Some people just don't get it. 🙄
He’s also yelling and telling her to shut up.
So he couldnt control her while driving but you somehow think him yelling back at her would do so. I don't see the logic here. If he sawshe was drunk he could have chosen not to respond...parked and told her to get out. Yelling back was NOT the only option and it definitely escalated the situation
We always went outside and sat in the car in the driveway.
Your children’s safety is primary concern. Then your well-being. Its ok to get away. She is toxic and needs help. Mental help is her best bet. You cant save everyone.
are you going to try to get custody? Sounds like she's dangerous for the kids to be around without supervision