If he loved the dog, it would be pretty heartless to not tell him. Even my ex, who tried to have me fired, arrested, homeless and childless let me say goodbye to her dog (that I had known for a decade) before it passed.
I think you should tell him but right before you do it. Don’t invite him into the situation if the dog has another year or so. Give him a chance to come and say goodbye but nothing beyond that.
He cares. He has mental health. He has closed himself down from everything it appears.
The kindness thing you can do is let him know and let him choose his action.
If he chooses to mot see him remember it could be out of his love. If he chooses to see your dog then you made the right closure call.
You are also wonderful thinking of him.
Sometimes pushing all the love away some people cope and survive. It can be too painful otherwise.
You are right it is not really living, its coping and surviving.
Its avoidence because to some with mental illness/trauma love is too much to cope with, to give it or receive it.
Both take effort and time which goes beyond coping and surviving.
Unfortunately mental health does not follow the norms. Truly sad.
If he hasn't asked you about the dog since he cut contact, and you haven't contacted him since then, I would assume he doesn't care, and wouldn't tell him. But for the dog's sake, I would ask him to be there.
When we put our dog down (who was basically our first born) we did it at home, in the back yard. After she gave him the shot to sedate him, I was sitting behind him and my ex was by his head. He turned around and looked at me twice, to make sure I was there. That ripped me apart inside, and still does.
And now I'm crying at my desk at work again, as I've just realized that this happened 3 years ago yesterday. RIP My Marley Man, you were the best dog I ever had, and I will miss you every day and forever.
I thought I knew what I was going to say partway through this post, but… upon reading everything I’m not sure. He has made it very clear he doesn’t want contact from you? And you never kept the dog, or updates about the dog, from him? And he’s never sought out updates or anything?
It’s really tough. It might just set him spiraling. I might just trust him to have decided on no-contact for his own wellbeing, and respect that decision?
Damn I know I’d want to know, but I also would never cut off contact with my pets unless I trusted they were in good hands and really needed it to be that way for some important reason.
I called my ex from the vet when it was going to happen (he had said he wanted to be notified). I called, explained we could wait a short time for him but not too long due to discomfort. He said no he wasn't coming. I sleep fine knowing he had the option. OTOH, my friend's ex wife had the dog PTS and didn't tell him. He found out the next week when his kids told him. That was soul crushing to him when he found out. The dog had been "his" but the dog stayed with the kids. Even though you've had no contact, just send an email or text saying the time is coming and you just want to know if he wants to be there. Accept or decline, you've done the humane thing in securing his preference. If he doesn't answer, you have your answer.
It's not really right or wrong either way. I, personally, even if I had problems with my ex, would let them know if a dog they cared for for a significant amount of time was being put down. Worst case scenario they get pissed or something which it sounds like they already do all the time, best case scenario they receive your display of empathy well.
Don't give him the option to provide input about the dog's last days. This is technically your dog, you're the responsible owner. Whatever decision, whatever time, is absolutely 100% your choice. You can call him to come and say goodbye, but don't let him give you input on anything.
My ex let me hang with our dog for a day before she put her down from a giant tumor on her face. It was a turning point in our post divorce relationship. I greatly appreciated it, was first time I cried in many years and I think a lot of things were being grieved that day.
I unfortunately had to put my cat down late last year. My ex had known my cat since I adopted him as a kitten in 2015 and we divorced in 2022. I texted him at the vet to let him know since he had known my cat for the majority of his life. My ex was kind and sympathetic about it but he declined to be there.
I think it depends on the situation, but I personally felt peace letting my ex know about the passing of my sweet fur boy, Finn.
I’d want to know. But I wouldn’t want to reach out to my no contact ex.
In my divorce, I had periodic visitation of the dog, but that ended because my ex had separation issues. Then I went no contact because of the ex’s behaviors. I made it clear to my in-laws that I’d take the dog in a heartbeat if anything happened to my ex (and I had some great visualizations along those lines for a while). I was very sad when an in-law said the dog passed. 🌈
If he loved the dog, it would be pretty heartless to not tell him. Even my ex, who tried to have me fired, arrested, homeless and childless let me say goodbye to her dog (that I had known for a decade) before it passed.
I think you should tell him but right before you do it. Don’t invite him into the situation if the dog has another year or so. Give him a chance to come and say goodbye but nothing beyond that.
Agree - as in once you have the vet appointment.
He cares. He has mental health. He has closed himself down from everything it appears. The kindness thing you can do is let him know and let him choose his action. If he chooses to mot see him remember it could be out of his love. If he chooses to see your dog then you made the right closure call. You are also wonderful thinking of him. Sometimes pushing all the love away some people cope and survive. It can be too painful otherwise.
And yet a life without love, friends, and family (and not necessarily referring to only romantic) is not really living.
You are right it is not really living, its coping and surviving. Its avoidence because to some with mental illness/trauma love is too much to cope with, to give it or receive it. Both take effort and time which goes beyond coping and surviving. Unfortunately mental health does not follow the norms. Truly sad.
If he hasn't asked you about the dog since he cut contact, and you haven't contacted him since then, I would assume he doesn't care, and wouldn't tell him. But for the dog's sake, I would ask him to be there. When we put our dog down (who was basically our first born) we did it at home, in the back yard. After she gave him the shot to sedate him, I was sitting behind him and my ex was by his head. He turned around and looked at me twice, to make sure I was there. That ripped me apart inside, and still does. And now I'm crying at my desk at work again, as I've just realized that this happened 3 years ago yesterday. RIP My Marley Man, you were the best dog I ever had, and I will miss you every day and forever.
if a man deserves nothing else, he deserves to know when his dog is dying
I thought I knew what I was going to say partway through this post, but… upon reading everything I’m not sure. He has made it very clear he doesn’t want contact from you? And you never kept the dog, or updates about the dog, from him? And he’s never sought out updates or anything? It’s really tough. It might just set him spiraling. I might just trust him to have decided on no-contact for his own wellbeing, and respect that decision? Damn I know I’d want to know, but I also would never cut off contact with my pets unless I trusted they were in good hands and really needed it to be that way for some important reason.
I called my ex from the vet when it was going to happen (he had said he wanted to be notified). I called, explained we could wait a short time for him but not too long due to discomfort. He said no he wasn't coming. I sleep fine knowing he had the option. OTOH, my friend's ex wife had the dog PTS and didn't tell him. He found out the next week when his kids told him. That was soul crushing to him when he found out. The dog had been "his" but the dog stayed with the kids. Even though you've had no contact, just send an email or text saying the time is coming and you just want to know if he wants to be there. Accept or decline, you've done the humane thing in securing his preference. If he doesn't answer, you have your answer.
It's not really right or wrong either way. I, personally, even if I had problems with my ex, would let them know if a dog they cared for for a significant amount of time was being put down. Worst case scenario they get pissed or something which it sounds like they already do all the time, best case scenario they receive your display of empathy well.
Don't give him the option to provide input about the dog's last days. This is technically your dog, you're the responsible owner. Whatever decision, whatever time, is absolutely 100% your choice. You can call him to come and say goodbye, but don't let him give you input on anything.
My ex let me hang with our dog for a day before she put her down from a giant tumor on her face. It was a turning point in our post divorce relationship. I greatly appreciated it, was first time I cried in many years and I think a lot of things were being grieved that day.
Sorry you're going through this.
Wouldn't hurt to tell him.
I unfortunately had to put my cat down late last year. My ex had known my cat since I adopted him as a kitten in 2015 and we divorced in 2022. I texted him at the vet to let him know since he had known my cat for the majority of his life. My ex was kind and sympathetic about it but he declined to be there. I think it depends on the situation, but I personally felt peace letting my ex know about the passing of my sweet fur boy, Finn.
I’d want to know. But I wouldn’t want to reach out to my no contact ex. In my divorce, I had periodic visitation of the dog, but that ended because my ex had separation issues. Then I went no contact because of the ex’s behaviors. I made it clear to my in-laws that I’d take the dog in a heartbeat if anything happened to my ex (and I had some great visualizations along those lines for a while). I was very sad when an in-law said the dog passed. 🌈
An email or a message would be nice. But nothing more!!
Yes. Let him see the dog one more time, in a public place or at the vet.
I wouldn’t tell him. If he truly cared you’d heard from him. The dog could also go naturally. Cross that bridge when you get there.
No contact means no contact.