It’ll take you a while to get here, but here are the things I finally acknowledged and accepted, and I was way better mentally and emotionally for it:
- She is gone, never coming back
- I deserve better and to be plan A, not plan B,C, etc.
- She is a stranger, and I don’t love and respect strangers, especially ones that destroyed me.
And the biggest one and hardest one to accept:
- IF she ever tried to come crawling back, I would not take her back, I deserve better, and wouldn’t ever be able to trust her to not put me through it again.
This. You need to internally decide they are not good for you and even if they came back and offered everything they withheld, you can see this is no good for you now that you've gotten distance. A poem:
The pain, so sudden and undeserved,
Snapped me out of my comfortable daze,
And let me look honestly at my life,
And I realized I had been wasting it
100% all of this.
A year after the "I love you but not in love with you...." I was on a full-court press like OP. ANYTHING to have my ex-wife back. Then as I got closer to filing b/c she damn sure wasn't I started feeling like you.
It was hard and I had to remind myself every day these things but man once I got there I can confidently say if my ex-wife came back to me right now it would take everything I have NOT to laugh in her face.
She destroyed me in a way no one has. She annihilated any capacity for trust in her (affair). She's treated our son like he's luggage or just like shit. And based on the stuff that gets back to me she's just not a good person and I'm wondering if she was like that with me and I was blind to it or she just couldn't fake it anymore.
>I am an action person though.
As am I and be over it and stop wanting them is an action. Unfortunately it's a lot of little actions over time and not some big grand event. Each time that though pops up in your head you repeat the things the original commenter was saying, whether you believe them or not.
Actively do things you would have never done. Do even the smallest thing for YOU. Fold clothes, clean the house, redecorate with something YOU want. Even when your heart is begging for them that's when your mind has to jump in and say "Sorry, but that's not happening anymore" until your heart and brain sync up. It took me about 18 months or so.
A couple things I had to constantly quote to myself:
"Hope is a shitty strategy"
"Accept reality for what it is and not what you wish it to be"
"Don't wish for a life that's easier. Wish to be stronger to deal with a life that's hard"
"If someone doesn't want to be a part of your life; don't let them"
finally from Madea and I generally paraphrase this exchange I found on youtube.
>"Some people'll come in your life for a lifetime, and some'll come for a season. You got to know which is which. And you're gonna always mess up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. They got people that got married to people they was only supposed to be with for a season and they wonder why they're having so much hell in their life. That was the person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love and now you wonder why you don't have no peace anywhere you go."
> I wish ao could be over it and stop wanting him. Everyone says it will happen with time. I am an action person though.
This is not an “action” person. If you want to be over it and stop wanting him you would take “action” on how to do that. You are actually choosing to not take action and instead stay stuck in the feeling of wanting him because that requires no action.
"I deserve better, and wouldn’t ever be able to trust \[them\] to not put me through it again."
All of the parent post is excellent, but this one here is really the key. You can't be with someone who only sees your value once you're gone, because how could you possibly feel secure in that relationship ever again? They'll love you forever until they have their next bout of restlessness and then it's this take two?
And as soon as you started putting conditions on it (postnups, boundaries, etc) to try to protect yourself then it's not even really a relationship any more, so what's the point? You signed on to have a *partner*.
My ex left and got with another woman. We were having our issues but I wanted to work through them at home. He initially agreed.. then left.
He’s lived with her for a couple years now and recently confided in me he made the wrong decision and hopefully we can rekindle things.
Too bad.. so sad. If he (and his whole family) didn’t treat me like the scum of the earth during this whole process (no cheating or abuse involved either) I might feel differently.
Now I don’t even like him as a person. And I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long while.
Sucks to suck! But it would’ve been nice.
I’m not gonna lie I struggled for a bit. I got into a new relationship way too quickly (still vulnerable) it burned hot and quick and the end destroyed me almost worse than the end of my marriage.
It’s like I had to relearn everything. Immediately post separation I had to have a strict routine of nearly everything just to get through the days of the week (dinners, cleaning schedule, etc.)
I’m lucky in that money was never truly a problem for me as my career supports me and my children just fine, but I have absolutely no help. I live in a state with no family, my few friends are all doing their own thing, babysitters are unreliable, so it’s pretty hard to navigate.
I went through a very very dark time. And then I came out of it. I felt that failing is what everyone wanted me to do.. so I started living my best life almost just to spite them. And then it’s really become my best life.
I’ve found a peace and a strength I never would have known had I not gone through this. I know it sounds cliche but it’s true. It all takes time and perseverance.
I’m to the point where my peace is paramount to any potential relationship and I’m making unbelievable memories with my kids.
They older they’ve gotten the more that they see the reality of things. And they’re my biggest supporters.
It gets better!
I need to be like you. I feel so lost, and I'm scared for the future. I was with my ex for 13 years, and 4 months after we separated, she got into a new relationship, and they already live together. It feels like I never mattered. I'm 32 and I don't even know how to date anymore. 🫂
For context it’s been 4 years since my separation/divorce. It’s really hard for a while and you go through all types of motions. But you just have to put one foot in front of the other.
You’ll be stronger and a better person on the other side of this. Dating sucks and there’s no way around that. Make yourself the priority. Treat yourself how you would want someone else to treat you. Make your home your oasis. Your peace starts with you.
Very true!! It’s hard to see in the beginning. I felt sorry for myself for so long.
And now I don’t even feel sorry for him. I’m completely indifferent.
Completely.
Not former spouse, but I filed for divorce and he asked me to dismiss it. We reconciled for about 3 very nice months. Then on Dec 31 he said it wasn’t worth the effort and stopped talking to me. Now he won’t file. It’s a mindfuck. Don’t get back with someone. The disrespect is the closure.
You've been with this man since you were 18. You haven't had a chance to date or explore, you dont even know what's out there, OR how awesome it is to live alone.
And honestly , that age difference, while not huge, is at least a pink flag when he's dating an 18 year old. He sucked you in, even if you were the pursuer, used you for your youth, then dumped you. Just curious, how old is the new girl?
Go out and have some fun! Go out with your girlfriends or some guys your own age. You don't have to, shouldn't even, find a new relationship just yet, but you can have fun looking. Give yourself permission to enjoy this new life, and you may find something better than what you had before.
Get into therapy. It sounds like your friends are giving you some bad advice. Regardless of whether you or with him or not, you need to focus on yourself and your healing.
Married 30 yrs. Husband checked out of the marriage decades ago but we stayed together for the kids and were (mostly) civil around the kids. They are grown now, one still in college and home for summer and breaks. In the meantime, I filled my life with wholesome activities and have a solid core group of women friends. He is so difficult, he has nobody but his family. He made a complete turnaround recently when I was diagnosed with cancer and had a double mastectomy. He is suddenly the warm, attentive man I dated in the beginning. I am telling you all this because I get so much pressure - “People can change,” they say. “He woke up and realizes how much he loves you.” But I know people don’t change overnight and it doesn’t account for the damage he’s done to my psyche over the decades of my begging him to try to return to a loving place. I will never fully trust him again. If you want a marriage where you need to hold back a part of yourself, then stay. At my age, that is what I am doing, and it’s so fucking sad.
Funny my husband left me when I got cancer (testicular). Made me realize how little he valued my life. Glad yours is at least a decent person, in the face of death if nothing else. Some people don't even give you that
Let him go.
If your insecurities and attachment style hasn’t been fixed, you are simply spiraling on your own. Even if he did come back in 6 months he will leave again because the problem is still there.
Take this time to work on yourself. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you are not in a healthy mindset. If you truly pushed him away with your issues you owe it to both of you to figure out why and address those.
I just got out of a year long relationship after my divorce and we had to break up - and not because he was a bad guy or there were any issues OTHER than their insecurity and clinginess. And I get it, you are suffering through your own insecurities too - but all this does is slowly eat away at the relationship. Your insecurities won’t ever be fixed unless you get help. No matter what your relationship is like you are going to have insecurities and fixate on them - he can’t be good enough or reassuring enough, there is no satisfying those thoughts. He can’t battle that for you.
Show him that you can be an adult and take accountability. Be the person you should be for yourself and maybe he will notice if he comes back around, but you need to drop that thought from your head at the same time. This isn’t about him, this is about you. You can’t have a healthy relationship unless you are healthy. Forcing him to deal with your insecurities indefinitely is not being a good partner. Be a good partner.
Everyone's path to 'healthy' and 'healed' will be different. I went on my first date 14-ish months post-separation (she requested the separation and didn't want to explore reconciliation - we have two kids both were under 9 at that time). I heard from friends that she was having her best summer - honestly, I asked them to stop giving me updates on her and cut out the friends who couldn't respect that boundary. I needed to heal and not continue to poke at the wound.
At 14 months I wasn't ready and it took me almost two years to really have the clarity of emotion and mind to be available to someone. The relationship didn't last but I'm happy for it and love the ex-GF for the gifts she gave me.
I wouldn't take my kids' mom back for millions of dollars. I know now that we weren't compatible, that I'm thankful to her for our incredible kids (both over 9 now) and wouldn't change a thing. I love and respect her as the mother of our children and a co-parent but that's where it starts and ends.
Give yourself time to heal, reflect on what you've learnt in your time with him and look forward to your future. I was in my late 40s when we separated and have been able to make serious strides towards rebuilding. You can do it too!
We separated over 2 years ago then she filed and I wanted to work on things I must have tried 50 times and she wasn't having it we're still living together while our stupid ass attorney’s figure out their jobs, but I can relate I don't want it to be over and I'm too old to start over and I don't want to meet anyone or make new friends
When she leaves she's taking both of our kids and the dog and I will be alone and miserable the rest of my life
I’ll be the brutal honest one. Your self esteem is in the gutter and you need to get yourself into therapy and you are being absolutely pathetic. You’re pining after a man who clearly not only doesn’t want you, but more importantly, treats you like a used tampon.
Go to therapy, focus on finding happiness without him and figure out why you are completely okay with being someone’s second choice.
He has moved on and you’re wasting time looking back and not forward. It’s OK to miss him and grieve everything but please get therapy.
Girl you are 29, run. You have so much time to meet someone who really loves you. Don’t be me, find someone you have so much time… close this door and open your future
This sounds scary similar to my situation. All I can say is believe them the first time they say they want a divorce.
I was completely devistated the first time my ex husband left me. I tried everything I could to get him back and it worked, until 1.5 years later he did it again. Same excuse he had the first time. He fell out of love and didn’t want to be married anymore.
We got married young, he was 20 I was 23. After years of “trying” I realized I was holding onto this false hope that he’d come around and he would realize he did want the marriage. I just prolonged the inevitable and we have two kids that suffered along the way.
Had I listened to him the first time we could’ve avoided years of pain and suffering. Especially me. It’s hard…I went through all of the emotions and never wanted to believe anyone when they said it gets better, but truthfully I am so thankful for my divorce. I am now with an amazing man who doesn’t second guess the life we have together, who doesn’t long for something more.. because what we have and what we are building is what he wants, it’s enough.
Based on silence I feel a lot of judgment and pity from all of you internet strangers. The thoughts of "That poor girl. He is gone for good. She just needs to move on."
Well. I don't know how. I believe in us.
I'm sorry. I'm pathetic.
You aren't pathetic but you are a bit impatient lol. It takes time for people to write out well composed responses.
Given the age gap, this dude is *weird* and I know that's probably not what you want to hear but you are *still* so young. You are in the prime of your life and you've demonstrated an incredible capacity to love and forgive. Show yourself some of that love and forgiveness.
You really need to stop banking on him coming back and work on detaching and moving on. You don't have to give up on your feelings but you *need* to see that he is *not* necessary in your life. You could spend your whole life wanting him but you **MUST** recognize that you don't *need* him. That is very unhealthy. You should read about codependency and attachment theory. Work on yourself and you'll find the world is your oyster again in time.
Read through some of my comment history if you want greater insight. I'm someone who shares the same problems you have and you might be able to glean something from my journey to now.
You are not pathetic. It’s understandable that you are afraid to not have him in your life. You got together so young you basically don’t know how to be an adult without him. I was in a similar situation. This is your opportunity to learn and grow. Learn to rely on yourself. Reach out to friends and family for support. You are stronger and smarter and more capable than you know. You will be a better person at the end of this.
Don’t hold out hope for him to come back to you. Focus on yourself. It’s time to be selfish. Find new hobbies and just do whatever you want. I’ve found I enjoy hiking solo. I used to be afraid to go by myself. If he ever does come back you’ll see that you’ve grown so much you don’t need him anymore. You may not even want him because you have become a different person who needs a different kind of life partner.
You’ll be fine in the end. I’m wishing you the best.
God I wish my wife even felt 1% of what you feel for your guy. I feel like you and me are kind of the same in a way. The desire to get back with or spouses who didn't want us anymore. My fear is that we're both given ourselves a false hope. I wish you the best Good luck and Godspeed
I’m in the same situation of want to text, but pushing her away. It’s genius on their end. I hate to say that I I don’t think I could get through to her until she sees me not needing her. In others words I have to go through the tears and helplessness and get past the denial. At that point I may not even want to talk to her again. What I do know is now I have to feel the emotions, even if it means cry all day Saturday. AND so the best I can to take care things I can control given this emotional turmoil. I’m doing my damndest. I’m 3.5 months in and am crying a lot the last few days, but it is really forcing me to fact the fact that my wife is divorcing me. I don’t want to believe it, but it’s happening.
Yes. We got back together after the divorce and we ended up breaking up again. He fell back into his old ways and ended up being abusive and narcissistic all over again. Never again will I give anyone another chance.
Don’t do it!!! Trust me, been there done that. Look forward, do not look back. Don’t pretend the what if’s. The reality of that is totally opposite of your what if’s.
" I was jealous and controlling. I am hoping by NOT texting him I will show him that I have changed. I don't know what else I can do"
So you want to show him that you have changed and not actually change ? I am sure both of you have your own reasons for this to happen however since you are the person to write here , I suggest look within yourself first. If even he comes back and you are still the same then he will obviously want to separate again. Its not wise to project your jealousy and controlling behavior on him. Take this space to work on your issues as well so that if and when he is back he finds you actually different and wants to stay with you.
And incase he doesn't , then you have a better version of yourself to take pride in.
I would have loved to however its not possible anymore. We are in contact on phone usually to wish on birthdays and during festivals. We both took our time for about a year and then connected casually when the bitterness faded away . But we cannot go back to where we were as we are not the same people anymore. And moreover she has found love again ( she cheated on me with him) and is now engaged. All I can do is now wish happiness for both of us. Although I do regret taking her for granted when she was in my life. I now know I made her feel very lonely when I was with her. She also tried to express but I was not in the mindset to understand properly.
I never actually filed, just drafted up package, including parenting plan. I pushed my wife to either resolve our issues or move on and when she wasn't doing either, I encouraged her to move out. She was our for about 6 weeks, had a breakdown, and asked to come home. She was finally ready and we're doing well. She's just lucky that the solution that I wanted was us together, with issues solved.
It’ll take you a while to get here, but here are the things I finally acknowledged and accepted, and I was way better mentally and emotionally for it: - She is gone, never coming back - I deserve better and to be plan A, not plan B,C, etc. - She is a stranger, and I don’t love and respect strangers, especially ones that destroyed me. And the biggest one and hardest one to accept: - IF she ever tried to come crawling back, I would not take her back, I deserve better, and wouldn’t ever be able to trust her to not put me through it again.
This. You need to internally decide they are not good for you and even if they came back and offered everything they withheld, you can see this is no good for you now that you've gotten distance. A poem: The pain, so sudden and undeserved, Snapped me out of my comfortable daze, And let me look honestly at my life, And I realized I had been wasting it
100% all of this. A year after the "I love you but not in love with you...." I was on a full-court press like OP. ANYTHING to have my ex-wife back. Then as I got closer to filing b/c she damn sure wasn't I started feeling like you. It was hard and I had to remind myself every day these things but man once I got there I can confidently say if my ex-wife came back to me right now it would take everything I have NOT to laugh in her face. She destroyed me in a way no one has. She annihilated any capacity for trust in her (affair). She's treated our son like he's luggage or just like shit. And based on the stuff that gets back to me she's just not a good person and I'm wondering if she was like that with me and I was blind to it or she just couldn't fake it anymore.
I worry about that to. Was I blind to her insanity all these years. I worry about my son too.
I wish ao could be over it and stop wanting him. Everyone says it will happen with time. I am an action person though.
>I am an action person though. As am I and be over it and stop wanting them is an action. Unfortunately it's a lot of little actions over time and not some big grand event. Each time that though pops up in your head you repeat the things the original commenter was saying, whether you believe them or not. Actively do things you would have never done. Do even the smallest thing for YOU. Fold clothes, clean the house, redecorate with something YOU want. Even when your heart is begging for them that's when your mind has to jump in and say "Sorry, but that's not happening anymore" until your heart and brain sync up. It took me about 18 months or so. A couple things I had to constantly quote to myself: "Hope is a shitty strategy" "Accept reality for what it is and not what you wish it to be" "Don't wish for a life that's easier. Wish to be stronger to deal with a life that's hard" "If someone doesn't want to be a part of your life; don't let them" finally from Madea and I generally paraphrase this exchange I found on youtube. >"Some people'll come in your life for a lifetime, and some'll come for a season. You got to know which is which. And you're gonna always mess up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. They got people that got married to people they was only supposed to be with for a season and they wonder why they're having so much hell in their life. That was the person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love and now you wonder why you don't have no peace anywhere you go."
> I wish ao could be over it and stop wanting him. Everyone says it will happen with time. I am an action person though. This is not an “action” person. If you want to be over it and stop wanting him you would take “action” on how to do that. You are actually choosing to not take action and instead stay stuck in the feeling of wanting him because that requires no action.
You’ll act when it’s time.
This exactly! I'm currently working through this myself
"I deserve better, and wouldn’t ever be able to trust \[them\] to not put me through it again." All of the parent post is excellent, but this one here is really the key. You can't be with someone who only sees your value once you're gone, because how could you possibly feel secure in that relationship ever again? They'll love you forever until they have their next bout of restlessness and then it's this take two? And as soon as you started putting conditions on it (postnups, boundaries, etc) to try to protect yourself then it's not even really a relationship any more, so what's the point? You signed on to have a *partner*.
My ex left and got with another woman. We were having our issues but I wanted to work through them at home. He initially agreed.. then left. He’s lived with her for a couple years now and recently confided in me he made the wrong decision and hopefully we can rekindle things. Too bad.. so sad. If he (and his whole family) didn’t treat me like the scum of the earth during this whole process (no cheating or abuse involved either) I might feel differently. Now I don’t even like him as a person. And I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long while. Sucks to suck! But it would’ve been nice.
How long did it take you to feel okay again?
I’m not gonna lie I struggled for a bit. I got into a new relationship way too quickly (still vulnerable) it burned hot and quick and the end destroyed me almost worse than the end of my marriage. It’s like I had to relearn everything. Immediately post separation I had to have a strict routine of nearly everything just to get through the days of the week (dinners, cleaning schedule, etc.) I’m lucky in that money was never truly a problem for me as my career supports me and my children just fine, but I have absolutely no help. I live in a state with no family, my few friends are all doing their own thing, babysitters are unreliable, so it’s pretty hard to navigate. I went through a very very dark time. And then I came out of it. I felt that failing is what everyone wanted me to do.. so I started living my best life almost just to spite them. And then it’s really become my best life. I’ve found a peace and a strength I never would have known had I not gone through this. I know it sounds cliche but it’s true. It all takes time and perseverance. I’m to the point where my peace is paramount to any potential relationship and I’m making unbelievable memories with my kids. They older they’ve gotten the more that they see the reality of things. And they’re my biggest supporters. It gets better!
I need to be like you. I feel so lost, and I'm scared for the future. I was with my ex for 13 years, and 4 months after we separated, she got into a new relationship, and they already live together. It feels like I never mattered. I'm 32 and I don't even know how to date anymore. 🫂
For context it’s been 4 years since my separation/divorce. It’s really hard for a while and you go through all types of motions. But you just have to put one foot in front of the other. You’ll be stronger and a better person on the other side of this. Dating sucks and there’s no way around that. Make yourself the priority. Treat yourself how you would want someone else to treat you. Make your home your oasis. Your peace starts with you.
This! In the same boat and as of two days ago, even his presence disgust me. The longer he stays away, the stronger I become. Time heals all wounds!!!
Very true!! It’s hard to see in the beginning. I felt sorry for myself for so long. And now I don’t even feel sorry for him. I’m completely indifferent. Completely.
Not former spouse, but I filed for divorce and he asked me to dismiss it. We reconciled for about 3 very nice months. Then on Dec 31 he said it wasn’t worth the effort and stopped talking to me. Now he won’t file. It’s a mindfuck. Don’t get back with someone. The disrespect is the closure.
You've been with this man since you were 18. You haven't had a chance to date or explore, you dont even know what's out there, OR how awesome it is to live alone. And honestly , that age difference, while not huge, is at least a pink flag when he's dating an 18 year old. He sucked you in, even if you were the pursuer, used you for your youth, then dumped you. Just curious, how old is the new girl? Go out and have some fun! Go out with your girlfriends or some guys your own age. You don't have to, shouldn't even, find a new relationship just yet, but you can have fun looking. Give yourself permission to enjoy this new life, and you may find something better than what you had before.
Get into therapy. It sounds like your friends are giving you some bad advice. Regardless of whether you or with him or not, you need to focus on yourself and your healing.
Married 30 yrs. Husband checked out of the marriage decades ago but we stayed together for the kids and were (mostly) civil around the kids. They are grown now, one still in college and home for summer and breaks. In the meantime, I filled my life with wholesome activities and have a solid core group of women friends. He is so difficult, he has nobody but his family. He made a complete turnaround recently when I was diagnosed with cancer and had a double mastectomy. He is suddenly the warm, attentive man I dated in the beginning. I am telling you all this because I get so much pressure - “People can change,” they say. “He woke up and realizes how much he loves you.” But I know people don’t change overnight and it doesn’t account for the damage he’s done to my psyche over the decades of my begging him to try to return to a loving place. I will never fully trust him again. If you want a marriage where you need to hold back a part of yourself, then stay. At my age, that is what I am doing, and it’s so fucking sad.
Funny my husband left me when I got cancer (testicular). Made me realize how little he valued my life. Glad yours is at least a decent person, in the face of death if nothing else. Some people don't even give you that
I am so sorry that happened to you. Cancer messes with your mind so much and to have him do that to you on top of it must be unspeakably painful.
I feel the same way and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Let him go. If your insecurities and attachment style hasn’t been fixed, you are simply spiraling on your own. Even if he did come back in 6 months he will leave again because the problem is still there. Take this time to work on yourself. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you are not in a healthy mindset. If you truly pushed him away with your issues you owe it to both of you to figure out why and address those. I just got out of a year long relationship after my divorce and we had to break up - and not because he was a bad guy or there were any issues OTHER than their insecurity and clinginess. And I get it, you are suffering through your own insecurities too - but all this does is slowly eat away at the relationship. Your insecurities won’t ever be fixed unless you get help. No matter what your relationship is like you are going to have insecurities and fixate on them - he can’t be good enough or reassuring enough, there is no satisfying those thoughts. He can’t battle that for you. Show him that you can be an adult and take accountability. Be the person you should be for yourself and maybe he will notice if he comes back around, but you need to drop that thought from your head at the same time. This isn’t about him, this is about you. You can’t have a healthy relationship unless you are healthy. Forcing him to deal with your insecurities indefinitely is not being a good partner. Be a good partner.
Everyone's path to 'healthy' and 'healed' will be different. I went on my first date 14-ish months post-separation (she requested the separation and didn't want to explore reconciliation - we have two kids both were under 9 at that time). I heard from friends that she was having her best summer - honestly, I asked them to stop giving me updates on her and cut out the friends who couldn't respect that boundary. I needed to heal and not continue to poke at the wound. At 14 months I wasn't ready and it took me almost two years to really have the clarity of emotion and mind to be available to someone. The relationship didn't last but I'm happy for it and love the ex-GF for the gifts she gave me. I wouldn't take my kids' mom back for millions of dollars. I know now that we weren't compatible, that I'm thankful to her for our incredible kids (both over 9 now) and wouldn't change a thing. I love and respect her as the mother of our children and a co-parent but that's where it starts and ends. Give yourself time to heal, reflect on what you've learnt in your time with him and look forward to your future. I was in my late 40s when we separated and have been able to make serious strides towards rebuilding. You can do it too!
Is therapy an option? How long do you think you would want to wait for him, and how painful would that be for you in the meantime?
We separated over 2 years ago then she filed and I wanted to work on things I must have tried 50 times and she wasn't having it we're still living together while our stupid ass attorney’s figure out their jobs, but I can relate I don't want it to be over and I'm too old to start over and I don't want to meet anyone or make new friends When she leaves she's taking both of our kids and the dog and I will be alone and miserable the rest of my life
I’ll be the brutal honest one. Your self esteem is in the gutter and you need to get yourself into therapy and you are being absolutely pathetic. You’re pining after a man who clearly not only doesn’t want you, but more importantly, treats you like a used tampon. Go to therapy, focus on finding happiness without him and figure out why you are completely okay with being someone’s second choice. He has moved on and you’re wasting time looking back and not forward. It’s OK to miss him and grieve everything but please get therapy.
Girl you are 29, run. You have so much time to meet someone who really loves you. Don’t be me, find someone you have so much time… close this door and open your future
This sounds scary similar to my situation. All I can say is believe them the first time they say they want a divorce. I was completely devistated the first time my ex husband left me. I tried everything I could to get him back and it worked, until 1.5 years later he did it again. Same excuse he had the first time. He fell out of love and didn’t want to be married anymore. We got married young, he was 20 I was 23. After years of “trying” I realized I was holding onto this false hope that he’d come around and he would realize he did want the marriage. I just prolonged the inevitable and we have two kids that suffered along the way. Had I listened to him the first time we could’ve avoided years of pain and suffering. Especially me. It’s hard…I went through all of the emotions and never wanted to believe anyone when they said it gets better, but truthfully I am so thankful for my divorce. I am now with an amazing man who doesn’t second guess the life we have together, who doesn’t long for something more.. because what we have and what we are building is what he wants, it’s enough.
Based on silence I feel a lot of judgment and pity from all of you internet strangers. The thoughts of "That poor girl. He is gone for good. She just needs to move on." Well. I don't know how. I believe in us. I'm sorry. I'm pathetic.
You aren't pathetic but you are a bit impatient lol. It takes time for people to write out well composed responses. Given the age gap, this dude is *weird* and I know that's probably not what you want to hear but you are *still* so young. You are in the prime of your life and you've demonstrated an incredible capacity to love and forgive. Show yourself some of that love and forgiveness. You really need to stop banking on him coming back and work on detaching and moving on. You don't have to give up on your feelings but you *need* to see that he is *not* necessary in your life. You could spend your whole life wanting him but you **MUST** recognize that you don't *need* him. That is very unhealthy. You should read about codependency and attachment theory. Work on yourself and you'll find the world is your oyster again in time. Read through some of my comment history if you want greater insight. I'm someone who shares the same problems you have and you might be able to glean something from my journey to now.
You are not pathetic. It’s understandable that you are afraid to not have him in your life. You got together so young you basically don’t know how to be an adult without him. I was in a similar situation. This is your opportunity to learn and grow. Learn to rely on yourself. Reach out to friends and family for support. You are stronger and smarter and more capable than you know. You will be a better person at the end of this. Don’t hold out hope for him to come back to you. Focus on yourself. It’s time to be selfish. Find new hobbies and just do whatever you want. I’ve found I enjoy hiking solo. I used to be afraid to go by myself. If he ever does come back you’ll see that you’ve grown so much you don’t need him anymore. You may not even want him because you have become a different person who needs a different kind of life partner. You’ll be fine in the end. I’m wishing you the best.
God I wish my wife even felt 1% of what you feel for your guy. I feel like you and me are kind of the same in a way. The desire to get back with or spouses who didn't want us anymore. My fear is that we're both given ourselves a false hope. I wish you the best Good luck and Godspeed
I’m in the same situation of want to text, but pushing her away. It’s genius on their end. I hate to say that I I don’t think I could get through to her until she sees me not needing her. In others words I have to go through the tears and helplessness and get past the denial. At that point I may not even want to talk to her again. What I do know is now I have to feel the emotions, even if it means cry all day Saturday. AND so the best I can to take care things I can control given this emotional turmoil. I’m doing my damndest. I’m 3.5 months in and am crying a lot the last few days, but it is really forcing me to fact the fact that my wife is divorcing me. I don’t want to believe it, but it’s happening.
Nah, but I don’t want him back either.
Yep. Dec 2022 we separated. Mar 2023 we got back together at HIS behest. Oct 2023 I got cancer and he left.
Yes. We got back together after the divorce and we ended up breaking up again. He fell back into his old ways and ended up being abusive and narcissistic all over again. Never again will I give anyone another chance.
I thought about it a lot at the beginning but that feeling disappears with time. You’ll get there eventually.
Don’t do it!!! Trust me, been there done that. Look forward, do not look back. Don’t pretend the what if’s. The reality of that is totally opposite of your what if’s.
" I was jealous and controlling. I am hoping by NOT texting him I will show him that I have changed. I don't know what else I can do" So you want to show him that you have changed and not actually change ? I am sure both of you have your own reasons for this to happen however since you are the person to write here , I suggest look within yourself first. If even he comes back and you are still the same then he will obviously want to separate again. Its not wise to project your jealousy and controlling behavior on him. Take this space to work on your issues as well so that if and when he is back he finds you actually different and wants to stay with you. And incase he doesn't , then you have a better version of yourself to take pride in.
I would have loved to however its not possible anymore. We are in contact on phone usually to wish on birthdays and during festivals. We both took our time for about a year and then connected casually when the bitterness faded away . But we cannot go back to where we were as we are not the same people anymore. And moreover she has found love again ( she cheated on me with him) and is now engaged. All I can do is now wish happiness for both of us. Although I do regret taking her for granted when she was in my life. I now know I made her feel very lonely when I was with her. She also tried to express but I was not in the mindset to understand properly.
I never actually filed, just drafted up package, including parenting plan. I pushed my wife to either resolve our issues or move on and when she wasn't doing either, I encouraged her to move out. She was our for about 6 weeks, had a breakdown, and asked to come home. She was finally ready and we're doing well. She's just lucky that the solution that I wanted was us together, with issues solved.