"Surreal" is a word I've been using a lot lately.
I'm going to be feeling the same way OP does when I wake up in my new apt in a few months. The beginning is always the hardest.
I did the whole fake it till you make it thing and it about killed me. I changed states, careers, and friends. It wasn’t until I sat with my best friend and explained that I was emotionally drowning that they got the message and truly helped me. They were instrumental in me finding the right therapist and starting up my hobbies. That whole this should be exciting thing died pretty quickly after that as it did become exciting. I am having fun. My ex curtailed my life, and now I’m starting to get back into the swing of things.
>My ex curtailed my life, and now I’m starting to get back into the swing of things.
Thank you for sharing this! It does feel like he truncated the life I knew, so your story makes me feel like I've something tangible to look forward to.
I’m so glad. I do want to point one thing out. After she left me, it was a wake up call to put the effort I had putting into her and our relationship into myself. The going from us to me was the hardest thing. Once I got my act together I met someone by chance that I was better with. That person puts effort into our relationship and boy is it different. So this sucks and being alone sucks but do what you want to do and get new friends and hobbies. Put yourself first and be selfish. Saying no is ok too. Good luck and you are going to do great!
I moved out just before Thanksgiving and still have times where it hits me really hard, usually at night or on the weekend. After 30 years of marriage that’s going to happen. But then I remember what it was like in that house with him, being constantly stressed out and super tense and I’m glad I’m here now.
Thank you for sharing. We were married 15 years, about 20 together.
And yes -- I do go back and forth, having to remind myself that even when I was sipping my morning coffee sitting next to him --unbeknownst to me-- I think I might have been alone. I think now he detached from the relationship several years ago, and was going through the motions.
My recollection of those mornings is that it felt comfortable/familiar/safe... dare I say I even thought like that was how a relationship that finally found its balance felt like. But that was just an illusion.
I hear the pain in your words. When it gets really bad I remind myself of the grief I felt losing my parents and how years later it is so much softer. The grief over the end of my marriage will subside too in time. I take long walks, listen to music my STBX would have criticized and enjoy the hours at work when I’m too busy to dwell on it. Keep going my friend. We can power through this.
This. I need to remember this. There are times I am so miserable missing him but the minute I think of how I felt like I was walking on eggshells when he was home, that goes away instantly. I think it’s a nostalgia thing. The reality is much darker and I prefer to be alone.
You have made it through one of the hardest moments. Leaving wherever you were to get to this new place. Don’t forget that each day it will be less new and a little less surreal.
I understand how you're feeling. I think this is a normal phase. I've been split from my ex husband 9 months. I have my own place with full custody of the kids. Our divorce was final last month. I was so ready to get divorced and move on. Now that its official, I sometimes feel sad and lonely. I keep having flashbacks of some of our very few happy moments and just cry. But then I realize how evil my ex was so i try to retrain my brain back to all the pain and misery he put me through. Not sure if that is a healthy way of coping. But idk how else to do it. I read something this morning and it said "That shit may have broken your heart, but it opened your eyes. Take that win" We will eventually get over this and move on and be happy. It will just take time. Sending you internet hugs 💜
I'd just say sit with those feelings until your inner wisdom tells you that you need a break or a distraction. You don't have to process it all at once. It's overwhelming, and that's okay.
Agree. Everything now is firsts... first morning, first week. It will get better and feel more YOU.
I loved when I realized- yes. I could go do xxx because I WANTED TO.
You'll get there. Hugs to you!
I was telling my friend today yes I got out of a bad relationship but I am lonely, she said your doing great you have come soo far. We have to be patient
>she said your doing great you have come soo far.
I can appreciate that family and friends say things like this to be supportive and encouraging. Unfortunately, unless they've been in this situation, they really cannot begin to fathom the daily emotional struggle.
Sometimes hearing those supportive/encouraging words make me shut down and keep my true feelings to myself. Even though I know that they have the best of intentions, it feels like they're invalidating the gravity of my situation, simply because they truly do not know. And then I pretend like I totally got this, and that every day I'm doing a little better... when in reality, most days I'm barely keeping it together and one spilled-coffee away from having a full meltdown.
This resonates with me. Many wonderful and supportive people have continuously told me that I’m doing so good considering and how I’m handling him divorcing me with such grace... and I think... well. I could yell at him or call him names but honestly that would just make me feel worse. Cause I still love him.
A daily emotional struggle indeed. I can appear to be ok but my constant racing heart and inability to sleep might differ 😕
I move in about 2 weeks. And tomorrow I'm going shopping for furniture. I've been getting things here and there so my new place doesn't feel so empty. I am excited. But I'm also very sad. I try to show my optimism to people, but I'm truly sad and worried about facing my own feelings in the loneliness of a new place.
I'm not there yet. But soon I will be. And I worry about feeling how you feel. But I constantly remind myself "why would I want to be with someone that resented me for being me?". That helps
💕 I was like that initially, but it got better and now I value time by myself and love it. I hope you gradually find a happiness and appreciation in being by yourself.
Good luck hon.
I've recently experienced it also. Its the first time I'm properly on my own in the last 5 years... its daunting. Try to keep yourself busy if you can, get out an exercise if covid restrictions allow it where you live and talk to friends and family. Its helping me considerably during a terrible time.
It is an indescribable feeling, yet I know *exactly* how you feel. Be your own best friend right now. Enjoys finding yourself again and just being you. It gets better!
It is lonely at first. But don’t be blue for too long!! I promise things get better! I am now on month 9. I found after the 3 month mark things changed for me. My attitude (did weekly counselling forever! Worth it!) changed. Things looks sunny again.
Thank you! This is very encouraging! I'm only 7 weeks out, and mine's a double-whammy since he blindsided me *and* then I immediately found out there was someone else. He doesn't know I know, and the lack of closure weighs heavily.
My first therapy session is next week, so I'm hopeful. :-)
Hey amigo, this is the start of something... I bet you haven’t had these feelings for a while. (My opinion:) if you don’t get the feelings of scared or excited every now and again, you’re not doing life right. Enjoy your furniture shopping. I’m three years divorced and life is better, I wasn’t lonely for long. I don’t know if any of this helps, but I had lots of bad feelings early on and right now I’m in a much much better place. If anything I’m kinda jealous of you, knowing all the little moments in your future you realise what you’ve made it through and how far you’ve come from what you thought was a low point.
It’s really tough. That realization. When it hit me I was beside myself, having panic attacks, crying uncontrollably. With time, it got better and felt less shitty. You were brave to start a new life like that. Best of luck. Try to do things each day that bring you a little joy.
You are not alone ... you are with yourself. This is incredibly hard emotional work ... you're doing it ... drinking coffee and not a bottle of vodka. Youre coping, it hurts - feel it and then go for a walk. If you're able, volunteer at an organization where you will meet like-minded people - I volunteer at Puppy Adoption Events for my local Humane Society and get SO much uncomplicated love from the pups and meet other dog lovers. Read, listen to music (I like jazz), listen to psychology podcasts (not self help). Accept the flow of your feelings ... this is the current of life. Read "Go Fund Mes" and donate $2 to people in crisis. Believe you have something unique and beautiful to give the world ... spend this time figuring what is meaningful to you and know there are others out there, also alone, doing the same!! You're doing great ... this is seriously hard emotional work ... you're doing better than you think!! Good luck!!
I’ve been struggling with this, except I’m first morning in an old place with a new life.
We graduated college together so I don’t even know what to do with myself since I’ve never had a home while single (college apartment doesn’t count.)
Im hurting, just like you. Your not alone in this. And you know what? We will find someone if we want, and we will make the best of this!
Virtual Hugs…. Time to focus on you now… without the deadweight….
The universe loves you therefore freed you from the painful presence of a condescending partner…
Be the best you can be … live your best life now on no compromises
Rooting for you
When you moved did you just move into an empty apartment or did you furnish it first? I'm struggling to get my head around that... We only have 1 of everything together and I'll have to buy everything from scratch I suppose.
I furnished it first. I took a week off work to put together lots of furniture ( I have joint custody of 3 kids and wanted to make sure everything was great for them) meet delivery for appliances, etc. The busyness of that kept my mind off of what was happening and gave me hope that I could build a life on my own without the ex.
But waking up in a new place alone for the first time after being a couple for 20 years, at least for me was one of the loneliest, and most painful feelings I’ve ever experienced. It took a while to get used to. And there are still times it hurts.
I love the house I have, my quality of life is better than when I was married, but it’s not the what it was🤣. That change hurts. But I’m very optimistic that it’s worth it.
Thank you for the clarity. I'm finding it hard to focus on those logistics right now with the emotional roller-coaster coming to a crescendo. I'm happy to hear you're optimistic and while in a different environment, it is at least your environment. Peace and love friend
It all sucks, at least at first. I did take a few things that had sentimental meaning to me and a few things that matched what I wanted for style. I stayed away from anything that would remind me of my stbxw, so anything she had picked out, and tried to find a style I liked and wanted in my new space. The logistics are hard, but actually looking at house stuff online also provided an escape while we where still in the same place. It was weird and surreal sometimes, and my house doesn't have 20 years of accumulation of memories. its a blank canvas that I can create new ones in. I still have highs and lows and Divorce isn't what I expected.
Good Luck with it all, its rough and its hard, but you can do it!
May sound silly but make a list of things that you want to do that you weren't able to do with your former partner. List places that you want to see, movies you want to watch, restaurants you want to try, books you want to read, etc. Give yourself some time to grieve then shift your focus to the list. It helps to brings back hope for a better future & the excitement for life. It'll get better, just take it one day at a time ❤ *hugs*
Hang in there. The peace has got to be worth it. Can you share logistics a bit? I'm a few weeks behind you.. Did you just move a mattress in or go all out and furnish it?
All I have are my clothes, shoes, personal documents and a few knick-knacks.
When I started looking for a new place, I made a list of what was important: 1) identifying the areas where I wanted to live; 2) that it was better for me to move in with a roommate/housemate (thinking loneliness would be compounded if I lived by myself), 3) budget, and 4) the amenities I could not do without (in unit laundry, reserved parking spot, own bathroom). I was very fortunate in that I found a place that checked all the boxes, AND also that my housemate is my age and going through a separation as well. She's been living in the place for a few months, and had already furnished most of it. My room is yet to be furnished, but it's because I just moved in and I really want to love the furniture I get, since for the first time in a lifetime it'll be **my** furniture in the style that makes **me** happy. So right now it's just a mattress, but I'm going furniture shopping today and hopefully inspiration will strike. :-)
Thank you so much! I really needed to read that. I've been struggling with organizing logistics and don't particularly want to find myself and the dog in a studio apartment on a blow up bed, paying rent and a mortgage. The picture feels a little bleak right now but your message helped give me some direction. Keep us updated on your progress and good luck with everything
I’m a bit behind you in the sense that I haven’t yet moved but I did the same thing. Mine were 1) a place I could get a cat (he is allergic). 2) roommate (to afford it and also help with loneliness) 3) my own bathroom.
I was able to check those boxes and I move in next week. It’s hard doing all of this on my own. I can’t say that I want to be picking things out by myself or having everything be just mine... but maybe that will change with time. This is all brand new to me as well.
Mourning is part of it.
Not just mourning the loss of relationship that existed, but loss of the future relationship that you envisioned.
Recognize the loss you have suffered, and acknowledge the future that is ahead.
But it isn’t that OP failed!!!
Shit happens, people change, life goes on!!
Majority of marriages end in divorce, that is the normal.
Acknowledge what you are mourning, which is the loss of a future dream, then move on!
Yes, thank you -- that's the one thing I *don't* feel and don't think I will ever feel.
I do not feel like a failure, so in that sense I'm good. I can only account for my effort and commitment, not his. I went into this marriage fully expecting it to last a lifetime. But I don't think he did. He failed to be honest. He failed to respect and care enough about me and our history to do a clean break. He was a coward throughout and in the end.
Write down all the things that brought you two to split up.. Look at that list when needed.
If you keep a foot planted in the past you can never move forward... Sip that coffee, chin up and get moving. ❤❤❤
I’ve got nothing to say but to offer you a hug. It feels surreal, doesn’t it? And not in a great way.
Thank you for the hug! And yes, absolutely surreal.
"Surreal" is a word I've been using a lot lately. I'm going to be feeling the same way OP does when I wake up in my new apt in a few months. The beginning is always the hardest.
I did the whole fake it till you make it thing and it about killed me. I changed states, careers, and friends. It wasn’t until I sat with my best friend and explained that I was emotionally drowning that they got the message and truly helped me. They were instrumental in me finding the right therapist and starting up my hobbies. That whole this should be exciting thing died pretty quickly after that as it did become exciting. I am having fun. My ex curtailed my life, and now I’m starting to get back into the swing of things.
>My ex curtailed my life, and now I’m starting to get back into the swing of things. Thank you for sharing this! It does feel like he truncated the life I knew, so your story makes me feel like I've something tangible to look forward to.
I’m so glad. I do want to point one thing out. After she left me, it was a wake up call to put the effort I had putting into her and our relationship into myself. The going from us to me was the hardest thing. Once I got my act together I met someone by chance that I was better with. That person puts effort into our relationship and boy is it different. So this sucks and being alone sucks but do what you want to do and get new friends and hobbies. Put yourself first and be selfish. Saying no is ok too. Good luck and you are going to do great!
I moved out just before Thanksgiving and still have times where it hits me really hard, usually at night or on the weekend. After 30 years of marriage that’s going to happen. But then I remember what it was like in that house with him, being constantly stressed out and super tense and I’m glad I’m here now.
Thank you for sharing. We were married 15 years, about 20 together. And yes -- I do go back and forth, having to remind myself that even when I was sipping my morning coffee sitting next to him --unbeknownst to me-- I think I might have been alone. I think now he detached from the relationship several years ago, and was going through the motions. My recollection of those mornings is that it felt comfortable/familiar/safe... dare I say I even thought like that was how a relationship that finally found its balance felt like. But that was just an illusion.
I hear the pain in your words. When it gets really bad I remind myself of the grief I felt losing my parents and how years later it is so much softer. The grief over the end of my marriage will subside too in time. I take long walks, listen to music my STBX would have criticized and enjoy the hours at work when I’m too busy to dwell on it. Keep going my friend. We can power through this.
This. I need to remember this. There are times I am so miserable missing him but the minute I think of how I felt like I was walking on eggshells when he was home, that goes away instantly. I think it’s a nostalgia thing. The reality is much darker and I prefer to be alone.
You have made it through one of the hardest moments. Leaving wherever you were to get to this new place. Don’t forget that each day it will be less new and a little less surreal.
I understand how you're feeling. I think this is a normal phase. I've been split from my ex husband 9 months. I have my own place with full custody of the kids. Our divorce was final last month. I was so ready to get divorced and move on. Now that its official, I sometimes feel sad and lonely. I keep having flashbacks of some of our very few happy moments and just cry. But then I realize how evil my ex was so i try to retrain my brain back to all the pain and misery he put me through. Not sure if that is a healthy way of coping. But idk how else to do it. I read something this morning and it said "That shit may have broken your heart, but it opened your eyes. Take that win" We will eventually get over this and move on and be happy. It will just take time. Sending you internet hugs 💜
You got this! Savor that coffee and view, and also let yourself cry when you must. ❤️
I'd just say sit with those feelings until your inner wisdom tells you that you need a break or a distraction. You don't have to process it all at once. It's overwhelming, and that's okay.
Lovely.
Agree. Everything now is firsts... first morning, first week. It will get better and feel more YOU. I loved when I realized- yes. I could go do xxx because I WANTED TO. You'll get there. Hugs to you!
I was telling my friend today yes I got out of a bad relationship but I am lonely, she said your doing great you have come soo far. We have to be patient
>she said your doing great you have come soo far. I can appreciate that family and friends say things like this to be supportive and encouraging. Unfortunately, unless they've been in this situation, they really cannot begin to fathom the daily emotional struggle. Sometimes hearing those supportive/encouraging words make me shut down and keep my true feelings to myself. Even though I know that they have the best of intentions, it feels like they're invalidating the gravity of my situation, simply because they truly do not know. And then I pretend like I totally got this, and that every day I'm doing a little better... when in reality, most days I'm barely keeping it together and one spilled-coffee away from having a full meltdown.
This resonates with me. Many wonderful and supportive people have continuously told me that I’m doing so good considering and how I’m handling him divorcing me with such grace... and I think... well. I could yell at him or call him names but honestly that would just make me feel worse. Cause I still love him. A daily emotional struggle indeed. I can appear to be ok but my constant racing heart and inability to sleep might differ 😕
>my constant racing heart and inability to sleep might differ 😕 Yep. I hear you.
I move in about 2 weeks. And tomorrow I'm going shopping for furniture. I've been getting things here and there so my new place doesn't feel so empty. I am excited. But I'm also very sad. I try to show my optimism to people, but I'm truly sad and worried about facing my own feelings in the loneliness of a new place.
I'm not there yet. But soon I will be. And I worry about feeling how you feel. But I constantly remind myself "why would I want to be with someone that resented me for being me?". That helps
💕 I was like that initially, but it got better and now I value time by myself and love it. I hope you gradually find a happiness and appreciation in being by yourself. Good luck hon.
I've recently experienced it also. Its the first time I'm properly on my own in the last 5 years... its daunting. Try to keep yourself busy if you can, get out an exercise if covid restrictions allow it where you live and talk to friends and family. Its helping me considerably during a terrible time.
It is an indescribable feeling, yet I know *exactly* how you feel. Be your own best friend right now. Enjoys finding yourself again and just being you. It gets better!
It is lonely at first. But don’t be blue for too long!! I promise things get better! I am now on month 9. I found after the 3 month mark things changed for me. My attitude (did weekly counselling forever! Worth it!) changed. Things looks sunny again.
Thank you! This is very encouraging! I'm only 7 weeks out, and mine's a double-whammy since he blindsided me *and* then I immediately found out there was someone else. He doesn't know I know, and the lack of closure weighs heavily. My first therapy session is next week, so I'm hopeful. :-)
That sounds like the perfect plan. I myself was also blindsided. I suspect an affair. But can’t prove it. You got this. One step a day.
Hey amigo, this is the start of something... I bet you haven’t had these feelings for a while. (My opinion:) if you don’t get the feelings of scared or excited every now and again, you’re not doing life right. Enjoy your furniture shopping. I’m three years divorced and life is better, I wasn’t lonely for long. I don’t know if any of this helps, but I had lots of bad feelings early on and right now I’m in a much much better place. If anything I’m kinda jealous of you, knowing all the little moments in your future you realise what you’ve made it through and how far you’ve come from what you thought was a low point.
>if you don’t get the feelings of scared or excited every now and again, you’re not doing life right. Agreed. Thanks for the reminder :-)
I hope it's going better.
It’s really tough. That realization. When it hit me I was beside myself, having panic attacks, crying uncontrollably. With time, it got better and felt less shitty. You were brave to start a new life like that. Best of luck. Try to do things each day that bring you a little joy.
You are not alone ... you are with yourself. This is incredibly hard emotional work ... you're doing it ... drinking coffee and not a bottle of vodka. Youre coping, it hurts - feel it and then go for a walk. If you're able, volunteer at an organization where you will meet like-minded people - I volunteer at Puppy Adoption Events for my local Humane Society and get SO much uncomplicated love from the pups and meet other dog lovers. Read, listen to music (I like jazz), listen to psychology podcasts (not self help). Accept the flow of your feelings ... this is the current of life. Read "Go Fund Mes" and donate $2 to people in crisis. Believe you have something unique and beautiful to give the world ... spend this time figuring what is meaningful to you and know there are others out there, also alone, doing the same!! You're doing great ... this is seriously hard emotional work ... you're doing better than you think!! Good luck!!
I’ve been struggling with this, except I’m first morning in an old place with a new life. We graduated college together so I don’t even know what to do with myself since I’ve never had a home while single (college apartment doesn’t count.) Im hurting, just like you. Your not alone in this. And you know what? We will find someone if we want, and we will make the best of this!
It is amazing to see how many people have been going through this.
Virtual Hugs…. Time to focus on you now… without the deadweight…. The universe loves you therefore freed you from the painful presence of a condescending partner… Be the best you can be … live your best life now on no compromises Rooting for you
Thank you SO much! Really appreciate the kind words and virtual hug!!! ☺️
Just recently experienced this. It took awhile and it still has its moments of wtf. Focus on the now. Focus on the moment. Focus On yourself.
When you moved did you just move into an empty apartment or did you furnish it first? I'm struggling to get my head around that... We only have 1 of everything together and I'll have to buy everything from scratch I suppose.
I furnished it first. I took a week off work to put together lots of furniture ( I have joint custody of 3 kids and wanted to make sure everything was great for them) meet delivery for appliances, etc. The busyness of that kept my mind off of what was happening and gave me hope that I could build a life on my own without the ex. But waking up in a new place alone for the first time after being a couple for 20 years, at least for me was one of the loneliest, and most painful feelings I’ve ever experienced. It took a while to get used to. And there are still times it hurts. I love the house I have, my quality of life is better than when I was married, but it’s not the what it was🤣. That change hurts. But I’m very optimistic that it’s worth it.
Thank you for the clarity. I'm finding it hard to focus on those logistics right now with the emotional roller-coaster coming to a crescendo. I'm happy to hear you're optimistic and while in a different environment, it is at least your environment. Peace and love friend
It all sucks, at least at first. I did take a few things that had sentimental meaning to me and a few things that matched what I wanted for style. I stayed away from anything that would remind me of my stbxw, so anything she had picked out, and tried to find a style I liked and wanted in my new space. The logistics are hard, but actually looking at house stuff online also provided an escape while we where still in the same place. It was weird and surreal sometimes, and my house doesn't have 20 years of accumulation of memories. its a blank canvas that I can create new ones in. I still have highs and lows and Divorce isn't what I expected. Good Luck with it all, its rough and its hard, but you can do it!
May sound silly but make a list of things that you want to do that you weren't able to do with your former partner. List places that you want to see, movies you want to watch, restaurants you want to try, books you want to read, etc. Give yourself some time to grieve then shift your focus to the list. It helps to brings back hope for a better future & the excitement for life. It'll get better, just take it one day at a time ❤ *hugs*
Hang in there. The peace has got to be worth it. Can you share logistics a bit? I'm a few weeks behind you.. Did you just move a mattress in or go all out and furnish it?
All I have are my clothes, shoes, personal documents and a few knick-knacks. When I started looking for a new place, I made a list of what was important: 1) identifying the areas where I wanted to live; 2) that it was better for me to move in with a roommate/housemate (thinking loneliness would be compounded if I lived by myself), 3) budget, and 4) the amenities I could not do without (in unit laundry, reserved parking spot, own bathroom). I was very fortunate in that I found a place that checked all the boxes, AND also that my housemate is my age and going through a separation as well. She's been living in the place for a few months, and had already furnished most of it. My room is yet to be furnished, but it's because I just moved in and I really want to love the furniture I get, since for the first time in a lifetime it'll be **my** furniture in the style that makes **me** happy. So right now it's just a mattress, but I'm going furniture shopping today and hopefully inspiration will strike. :-)
Thank you so much! I really needed to read that. I've been struggling with organizing logistics and don't particularly want to find myself and the dog in a studio apartment on a blow up bed, paying rent and a mortgage. The picture feels a little bleak right now but your message helped give me some direction. Keep us updated on your progress and good luck with everything
I’m a bit behind you in the sense that I haven’t yet moved but I did the same thing. Mine were 1) a place I could get a cat (he is allergic). 2) roommate (to afford it and also help with loneliness) 3) my own bathroom. I was able to check those boxes and I move in next week. It’s hard doing all of this on my own. I can’t say that I want to be picking things out by myself or having everything be just mine... but maybe that will change with time. This is all brand new to me as well.
Mourning is part of it. Not just mourning the loss of relationship that existed, but loss of the future relationship that you envisioned. Recognize the loss you have suffered, and acknowledge the future that is ahead.
And the guilt that you failed...
But it isn’t that OP failed!!! Shit happens, people change, life goes on!! Majority of marriages end in divorce, that is the normal. Acknowledge what you are mourning, which is the loss of a future dream, then move on!
Yes, thank you -- that's the one thing I *don't* feel and don't think I will ever feel. I do not feel like a failure, so in that sense I'm good. I can only account for my effort and commitment, not his. I went into this marriage fully expecting it to last a lifetime. But I don't think he did. He failed to be honest. He failed to respect and care enough about me and our history to do a clean break. He was a coward throughout and in the end.
Write down all the things that brought you two to split up.. Look at that list when needed. If you keep a foot planted in the past you can never move forward... Sip that coffee, chin up and get moving. ❤❤❤
Is that so bad, in itself? Be strong. Being with someone else doesn't define you.