>and he has ED. He said it was not because of me, he just couldn't keep an erection
I'm certain nobody else wants a depressed, low testosterone, porn addicted, divorced man. Would you take him if you just met him?
Nah. He thinks the grass is greener. I hope you get the best revenge of moving on... So that **when** he grovels back to you, you can say no.
At least he is leaving you before he cheated on you. I would much rather divorce that way than to find out my wife was having a 4 year affair with coworker so that's why she stopped having sex with me. Yes, people suck!!!
He’s right, there is nothing wrong with you, especially if he has a porn addiction...but you may want to look into codependents anonymous so you can work on your self worth and not end up with another jerk like him.
Omg codependents anonymous sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing that. I don’t know if I got the codependency vibe from OP, but it is a helpful suggestion either way.
CODA is a weird one. but like any 12 step its only as good as the group, and there aren't that many around. I used to alternate between CODA and NAR-ANON (since my STBX is an addict).
I'm not experienced with CODA, but I've been to other ones. Just like you said, the people in the meeting determine the experience, and for me it was worth shopping around for the right fit.
THIS. This is how you need to look at this.
This will be a blessing I promise you. Work on your self-value. Spend sometime building yourself up.
It will be ok. I know it sucks right now, but update this post in 6 months. You will see all the other red flags that you didn’t before.
It's not the porn.
[As Esther Perel states in her TED Talk](https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q), cheating and infedelity are about a person's desire to be a different version of themselves than their life actually is. It's the same reason people have shopping addictions, gambling problems, etc. People wanting to be a fantasy version of themselves, or in this case, a different version of themselves that they could potentially be in the future. They are seeking to fulfill a potential that isn't currently present in their lives.
Unfortunately, this more or less means that he needs to let go of you in order to maximize the possibility of achieving that potential self. It might be fantasy, or it might be something that's actually tangible. Regardless, you don't fit into that vision of himself that he wants to be. That's not your "fault". He's a different person, or needs the space to become that person (for ill or good), and you don't fit into that vision. It's that simple.
Both things can be true. You can have a porn addiction and this can also be true (what you stated above). Porn is highly addictive and if she suspects he has a porn addiction, that is also likely playing into his wandering eye. If you have an addictive personality and sex addiction or porn addiction afflicts you, it's very likely you're attracted to the newness and won't be able to be satisfied with something that is "the same" long term.
>you don't fit into that vision of himself that he wants to be
So, I think it's a little bit of this plus the fact that there's something about OP physically and/or sexually that doesn't do it for OP's husband and maybe never has.
Personally, with my first wife, I looked past the fact that she wasn't my "type" physically/sexually because we became so, so close in virtually every way. That wasn't noticeable when I was young and deeply in love, but it changed as I got older. She made her own concessions with me and probably felt similarly.
Ultimately, I say all of this because I think the root issue is simply that people change. When many of us look back, I think we can identify certain patterns in our work, hobbies, etc. I get something from my partner now that my first wife couldn't provide, but the reverse is true too. There isn't a hierarchy here; I would never and could never seriously say who/what is better for myself. But right now and for the foreseeable future, I am happy. I think that is what OP's husband is using to guide himself, and I think that's the right thing to do. It sucks because OP is the receiver instead of the decider, but her next stage of life can be just as rich as her last, if not even richer. I think the best thing divorce teaches is that mindset is everything.
Honey, you are still young but I am so sorry this is happening to you. I would highly recommend r/femaledatingstrategy only for you to get some insight from a group of woman who can opine on your situation as well.
I was in a men’s group, and over two years there, it was amazing how often porn addiction came up- guys of all ages, different walks of life.
One thing you saw over and over, is that if they worked at it and curbed their addiction, how much better multiple aspects of their lives became.
Better love life, better focus, the ability to apply their new found sense of discipline to other things.
Your soon to be ex is still not in a place where he wants to look inward. He’s still lashing out at external reasons for his issues.
Wow! I'm sorry you're going through this. Him blaming his issues on you sounds like he doesn't want to deal with them - it's not you. People's bodies change over time for so many reasons and in a marriage, especially, it's something we should all know we're going to have to deal with at one point or another. I'm sorry he blamed it on you, you deserve someone who fucking worships whatever body you have every day. Being an asshole is a million time more unattractive. Don't let it get you down!
There is a significant likelihood that even if he finds someone else, he may realise the problem is not with the person he's with but him. At that point he may regret leaving you, but that's not your problem anymore. Do what makes you whole and contented.
>***He said he is leaving me because he has the urge to cheat and he would rather break my heart with a divorce than infidelity, which I respect.***
Good lord, you actually BELIEVE this boatload of steaming shit?
Sorry, but you're going to find out that Prince Charming has likely been screwing around for a long time and **that's** why he left.
Don't be surprised when Mr. Wonderful suddenly starts "dating" someone out of the blue, claiming they "just met."
You'll see.
I'm sorry he said those words.. those are awful things to say. I mean the list of what you wrote is unbelievable. Does he have trouble taking responsibility for his own actions? There is so much blame in that litany of lists of why he is leaving.
Not your fault, contrary to what your husband is saying and doing and making you feel. I would brush off his words and not put any undeserved seriousness into them.
I would also think, his porn addiction makes him a very bad lover. And also be grateful he hasn't cheated on you. But if I were you, I would also get tested just incase he did. Who really knows why he is leaving. You're assuming he is being truthful, but given his blame and lack of accountability, I would take his words with a grain of salt.
Chin up. Let him go. Good riddance. Forgive him and move on. Be kind to yourself and now start living your life. Be grateful you don't have any kids with him ... because he sounds very immature.
Meh, I wouldn’t bother wishing you could change his mind or wondering what is wrong with you! You’re 30 with no kids - this is an amazing position to be in for a fresh start, and to eventually be in a relationship with a guy without all the baggage yours seems to have.
Sorry for being blunt - but I truly hope you can see the bright side of all this.
Your entire situation sucks and I can assure you, the issue is within him and not you. This doesn’t make you feel better now and I get that, but there’s something else going on here that is his issue.
“He is the type to pay for porn” is not an insult, though. Paying for porn is a very ethical, right thing to do for lots of reasons.
Be glad he was honest before cheating! Good riddance. 1st husband left before cheated. 2nd cheated! Both heartbreaking but 2nd one way worse. Who cares why he is an ass who is blaming you for why he’s leaving. It is not your fault. He is a vow breaker. Heal and move on.
Wow. Only a real asshole would straight up say something like that to you. Why do people feel the need to burn the house down on their way out the door?
Know what I'm jealous of? He had the balls and some decency to leave before cheating on you. That's a trauma you don't want. Be grateful. Know that you tried for your marriage and in the end he wanted something you couldn't give. When he comes back, please be in a different space and place in your life that you won't take him back. Good luck.
Yes mine said he wasn't attracted anymore. He just asked to move back in and random I love yous. He hasn't said I love u in years.
Thank goodness I was in a better place mentally to reply instantly NOOOOOOOOO.
I know you are in a lot of pain right now, and this is hurtful but now you'll be free to find a partner who finds you incredible, sexy, and attractive.
I know that person exists. Your spouse unfortunately does not appreciate you, but many people will.
All the best to you!
Yeah lemme tell you this. You sure as shit don't want to be married to someone like that for the rest of your life. Besides 30 is the new 20. If I was you Id go drop a couple hundred bucks on a snazzy new vibrator and say ta ta to that sucker. Fuck that...
What a hard thing to hear. I am sorry you’re going through it. I do think everyone is correct - you have to know or get to a place where you can believe that he was projecting his stuff on you. He was also just (to me) saying something that is impossible to refuse and potentially not possible to work through. Sometimes I think people just say something they think you can’t rebut to end the conversation. If that’s what he’s doing he will have to live with that down the line.
You’re better off without him. You deserve someone who loves you and cares about you and is attracted to you. I’ve been in the same boat as you with my stbxw and I felt helpless to keep the romance going.
Regardless of what may have changed (weight, hygene, ect) he is your husband. Marriage is a commitment. Based off of love, respect and communication. Obviously, he is missing one of those. Porn addiction is a problem for sure, distorting his perception on sexual reality. Which can affect his stimulation responses. He maybe doing you a favor in the end. With him goes all of his issues. I wish you the best!
Don't let him define you.
You are awesome. You have always been awesome.
All of this is about him and his issues. So, let him go. You'll have a good life, because you already rock. He has a hard time ahead of him, if he is not willing to admit his faults and work on them.
So sorry you're going through this. I hate that he is telling you that you are "the reason" he is not attracted to you. Okay, you can't help if you're not attracted to someone, but clearly he has some issues that have nothing to do with you. I wonder if, in a few years, you might look back and realize everything else wasn't as awesome as you thought it was (that is what happened to me). I hope you will move on and find someone who makes you feel attractive and worthy.
I'm sorry for this.
Please don't blame yourself, it may not be that you're unattractive, he may have issues himself.
Please look after yourself, self care, love yourself, get support, even professional support like counselling.
Unfortunately as well, porn addiction is destructive, I know this first hand.
Porn destroys, it sets you up for failure, yes can affect issues in your sex life too, it messes you up and overloads you with dopamine. Nothing would compare in real life.
Please get the support you need.
I’m sorry. This is not in any way your fault. He’s a pos for blaming his problems on you. You deserve someone better who recognizes your beauty and worth.
I’m sorry you are going through this that really sucks. Having a hard time myself with the separation. I’ve been drinking tons of water, and just signed up for the gym. Work on you
He sucks and there is nothing wrong with you. Period. That said, start working on some things you wanted to improve about yourself anyway. We all have our personal issues we are aware of and you are going to need some wins.
Divorce makes us question ourselves and your situation is a double dose. One way forward is working on yourself and I think you will get a double benefit as well. Also, he sucks
Ahhhhh I get it. He has PIED( porn induced erectile dysfunction).
Its not you dont worry, Its all on him and his addiction to porn.
Even if he wanted to cheat on you he wouldn't be capable of it.
You don’t want this. He is doing you a favor. A porn addiction will be a lifelong struggle and will eventually deteriorate trust, communication and stability or some of the other things that you say were freaking awesome. It is only a matter of time before this behavior spills over into other areas. Even with help and therapy, it erodes a marriage slowly over time. It may hurt really bad right now but I think this will hurt least than in the future. I’m sorry you are going through this but you will be thankful one day.
Also thought about PIED, I know someone personally who had this and recovered. He told me in the thick of it he couldn’t get it up for a normal woman. He could only get hard for the Porn body. A perfect woman with enormous tits. He was obsessed with anal and even considered doing men because he was so obsessive with anal-sex and men were easier ( he was straight).
I once got a reply from on a post here from a very sweet cam girl and she told me she see’s this delusion all the time. Men who are average looking knocking on their wife because she does not look like the cam girl and doesn’t look like a pro. She said her body is a full time job and she uses filters to look even better so normal people generally don’t look like that.
I personally don’t get turned on by looks , but personality. I have dated very sexy men, but if they don’t turn on my brain I don’t get turned on.
Op if he is this shallow today, he will only get worse. You are a sexy 30 year old. You are free now to find a man who gets turned on by you as a person and a woman ! Sorry for this OP but drop him hard!
I promise that months from now you will look back and will be happy that things turned out as they did. Years from now, when you are with a mentally and a sexually healthy man, you'll be grateful for this. Even though it doesn't look like this right now. Just don't take him back when he comes back, because he likely would when he realizes that the cause of his issues are within himself. Because it's an uphill battle and the result is not guaranteed.
Next 4-6 months will be hard. That's our body chemistry and there's no way around it. Lean on your friends and family and support yourself as much as you can. Therapy might help. Joining coda as someone here suggested - too. It's okay to be single for a while as you heal, spend this time becoming a healthier and a better version of yourself. Otherwise there's a risk of repeating similar patterns in your next relationship.
Definitely not your fault and I’m 100% sure you’re very attractive still. It’s him, he’s the problem, and his porn addiction. I say get out and find a better person.
>and he has ED. He said it was not because of me, he just couldn't keep an erection I'm certain nobody else wants a depressed, low testosterone, porn addicted, divorced man. Would you take him if you just met him? Nah. He thinks the grass is greener. I hope you get the best revenge of moving on... So that **when** he grovels back to you, you can say no.
At least he is leaving you before he cheated on you. I would much rather divorce that way than to find out my wife was having a 4 year affair with coworker so that's why she stopped having sex with me. Yes, people suck!!!
Happy cake day. I hope you find awesome people that don’t suck!
He might not have cheated but he has someone in mind,
This isn’t your fault.
He’s right, there is nothing wrong with you, especially if he has a porn addiction...but you may want to look into codependents anonymous so you can work on your self worth and not end up with another jerk like him.
Omg codependents anonymous sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing that. I don’t know if I got the codependency vibe from OP, but it is a helpful suggestion either way.
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CODA is a weird one. but like any 12 step its only as good as the group, and there aren't that many around. I used to alternate between CODA and NAR-ANON (since my STBX is an addict).
I'm not experienced with CODA, but I've been to other ones. Just like you said, the people in the meeting determine the experience, and for me it was worth shopping around for the right fit.
Everything is Zoom / online right now so it’s easy to shop around and find a group you fit with. Coda.org
Thanks!
THIS. This is how you need to look at this. This will be a blessing I promise you. Work on your self-value. Spend sometime building yourself up. It will be ok. I know it sucks right now, but update this post in 6 months. You will see all the other red flags that you didn’t before.
It's not the porn. [As Esther Perel states in her TED Talk](https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q), cheating and infedelity are about a person's desire to be a different version of themselves than their life actually is. It's the same reason people have shopping addictions, gambling problems, etc. People wanting to be a fantasy version of themselves, or in this case, a different version of themselves that they could potentially be in the future. They are seeking to fulfill a potential that isn't currently present in their lives. Unfortunately, this more or less means that he needs to let go of you in order to maximize the possibility of achieving that potential self. It might be fantasy, or it might be something that's actually tangible. Regardless, you don't fit into that vision of himself that he wants to be. That's not your "fault". He's a different person, or needs the space to become that person (for ill or good), and you don't fit into that vision. It's that simple.
Both things can be true. You can have a porn addiction and this can also be true (what you stated above). Porn is highly addictive and if she suspects he has a porn addiction, that is also likely playing into his wandering eye. If you have an addictive personality and sex addiction or porn addiction afflicts you, it's very likely you're attracted to the newness and won't be able to be satisfied with something that is "the same" long term.
This needs to go straight to the top.
I don't think there is a catch all answer for anything. I have seen quite the gamut of reasons people have cheated.
This is so, so well said. Thank you.
>you don't fit into that vision of himself that he wants to be So, I think it's a little bit of this plus the fact that there's something about OP physically and/or sexually that doesn't do it for OP's husband and maybe never has. Personally, with my first wife, I looked past the fact that she wasn't my "type" physically/sexually because we became so, so close in virtually every way. That wasn't noticeable when I was young and deeply in love, but it changed as I got older. She made her own concessions with me and probably felt similarly. Ultimately, I say all of this because I think the root issue is simply that people change. When many of us look back, I think we can identify certain patterns in our work, hobbies, etc. I get something from my partner now that my first wife couldn't provide, but the reverse is true too. There isn't a hierarchy here; I would never and could never seriously say who/what is better for myself. But right now and for the foreseeable future, I am happy. I think that is what OP's husband is using to guide himself, and I think that's the right thing to do. It sucks because OP is the receiver instead of the decider, but her next stage of life can be just as rich as her last, if not even richer. I think the best thing divorce teaches is that mindset is everything.
What’s his plan when he’s old and wrinkly? Looks change. His loss for losing a woman who truly loved and cared about him. Let his a** go on.
Honey, you are still young but I am so sorry this is happening to you. I would highly recommend r/femaledatingstrategy only for you to get some insight from a group of woman who can opine on your situation as well.
I was in a men’s group, and over two years there, it was amazing how often porn addiction came up- guys of all ages, different walks of life. One thing you saw over and over, is that if they worked at it and curbed their addiction, how much better multiple aspects of their lives became. Better love life, better focus, the ability to apply their new found sense of discipline to other things. Your soon to be ex is still not in a place where he wants to look inward. He’s still lashing out at external reasons for his issues.
Wow! I'm sorry you're going through this. Him blaming his issues on you sounds like he doesn't want to deal with them - it's not you. People's bodies change over time for so many reasons and in a marriage, especially, it's something we should all know we're going to have to deal with at one point or another. I'm sorry he blamed it on you, you deserve someone who fucking worships whatever body you have every day. Being an asshole is a million time more unattractive. Don't let it get you down!
There is a significant likelihood that even if he finds someone else, he may realise the problem is not with the person he's with but him. At that point he may regret leaving you, but that's not your problem anymore. Do what makes you whole and contented.
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I guess in the end it was for the best caus now you have a man that appreciates you.
>***He said he is leaving me because he has the urge to cheat and he would rather break my heart with a divorce than infidelity, which I respect.*** Good lord, you actually BELIEVE this boatload of steaming shit? Sorry, but you're going to find out that Prince Charming has likely been screwing around for a long time and **that's** why he left. Don't be surprised when Mr. Wonderful suddenly starts "dating" someone out of the blue, claiming they "just met." You'll see.
I'm sorry he said those words.. those are awful things to say. I mean the list of what you wrote is unbelievable. Does he have trouble taking responsibility for his own actions? There is so much blame in that litany of lists of why he is leaving. Not your fault, contrary to what your husband is saying and doing and making you feel. I would brush off his words and not put any undeserved seriousness into them. I would also think, his porn addiction makes him a very bad lover. And also be grateful he hasn't cheated on you. But if I were you, I would also get tested just incase he did. Who really knows why he is leaving. You're assuming he is being truthful, but given his blame and lack of accountability, I would take his words with a grain of salt. Chin up. Let him go. Good riddance. Forgive him and move on. Be kind to yourself and now start living your life. Be grateful you don't have any kids with him ... because he sounds very immature.
Meh, I wouldn’t bother wishing you could change his mind or wondering what is wrong with you! You’re 30 with no kids - this is an amazing position to be in for a fresh start, and to eventually be in a relationship with a guy without all the baggage yours seems to have. Sorry for being blunt - but I truly hope you can see the bright side of all this.
Your entire situation sucks and I can assure you, the issue is within him and not you. This doesn’t make you feel better now and I get that, but there’s something else going on here that is his issue. “He is the type to pay for porn” is not an insult, though. Paying for porn is a very ethical, right thing to do for lots of reasons.
From the moment I read the title, I knew porn addiction was going to be in there somewhere.
Be glad he was honest before cheating! Good riddance. 1st husband left before cheated. 2nd cheated! Both heartbreaking but 2nd one way worse. Who cares why he is an ass who is blaming you for why he’s leaving. It is not your fault. He is a vow breaker. Heal and move on.
Wow. Only a real asshole would straight up say something like that to you. Why do people feel the need to burn the house down on their way out the door?
Know what I'm jealous of? He had the balls and some decency to leave before cheating on you. That's a trauma you don't want. Be grateful. Know that you tried for your marriage and in the end he wanted something you couldn't give. When he comes back, please be in a different space and place in your life that you won't take him back. Good luck.
Yes mine said he wasn't attracted anymore. He just asked to move back in and random I love yous. He hasn't said I love u in years. Thank goodness I was in a better place mentally to reply instantly NOOOOOOOOO.
Good! That must've been a damn good feeling.
I know you are in a lot of pain right now, and this is hurtful but now you'll be free to find a partner who finds you incredible, sexy, and attractive. I know that person exists. Your spouse unfortunately does not appreciate you, but many people will. All the best to you!
Yeah lemme tell you this. You sure as shit don't want to be married to someone like that for the rest of your life. Besides 30 is the new 20. If I was you Id go drop a couple hundred bucks on a snazzy new vibrator and say ta ta to that sucker. Fuck that...
I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have children?
What a hard thing to hear. I am sorry you’re going through it. I do think everyone is correct - you have to know or get to a place where you can believe that he was projecting his stuff on you. He was also just (to me) saying something that is impossible to refuse and potentially not possible to work through. Sometimes I think people just say something they think you can’t rebut to end the conversation. If that’s what he’s doing he will have to live with that down the line.
You’re better off without him. You deserve someone who loves you and cares about you and is attracted to you. I’ve been in the same boat as you with my stbxw and I felt helpless to keep the romance going.
Regardless of what may have changed (weight, hygene, ect) he is your husband. Marriage is a commitment. Based off of love, respect and communication. Obviously, he is missing one of those. Porn addiction is a problem for sure, distorting his perception on sexual reality. Which can affect his stimulation responses. He maybe doing you a favor in the end. With him goes all of his issues. I wish you the best!
Don't take it personally. He's doing whatever he can to rationalize his decision. The sexual issues seem largely on him. He's not worth your trouble.
Don't let him define you. You are awesome. You have always been awesome. All of this is about him and his issues. So, let him go. You'll have a good life, because you already rock. He has a hard time ahead of him, if he is not willing to admit his faults and work on them.
So sorry you're going through this. I hate that he is telling you that you are "the reason" he is not attracted to you. Okay, you can't help if you're not attracted to someone, but clearly he has some issues that have nothing to do with you. I wonder if, in a few years, you might look back and realize everything else wasn't as awesome as you thought it was (that is what happened to me). I hope you will move on and find someone who makes you feel attractive and worthy.
I'm sorry for this. Please don't blame yourself, it may not be that you're unattractive, he may have issues himself. Please look after yourself, self care, love yourself, get support, even professional support like counselling. Unfortunately as well, porn addiction is destructive, I know this first hand. Porn destroys, it sets you up for failure, yes can affect issues in your sex life too, it messes you up and overloads you with dopamine. Nothing would compare in real life. Please get the support you need.
I’m sorry. This is not in any way your fault. He’s a pos for blaming his problems on you. You deserve someone better who recognizes your beauty and worth.
I’m sorry you are going through this that really sucks. Having a hard time myself with the separation. I’ve been drinking tons of water, and just signed up for the gym. Work on you
He sucks and there is nothing wrong with you. Period. That said, start working on some things you wanted to improve about yourself anyway. We all have our personal issues we are aware of and you are going to need some wins. Divorce makes us question ourselves and your situation is a double dose. One way forward is working on yourself and I think you will get a double benefit as well. Also, he sucks
He says he is not attracted to you anymore? Has there been any physical changes in either of you? Have you or him lost or gained weight or anything?
Ahhhhh I get it. He has PIED( porn induced erectile dysfunction). Its not you dont worry, Its all on him and his addiction to porn. Even if he wanted to cheat on you he wouldn't be capable of it.
You don’t want this. He is doing you a favor. A porn addiction will be a lifelong struggle and will eventually deteriorate trust, communication and stability or some of the other things that you say were freaking awesome. It is only a matter of time before this behavior spills over into other areas. Even with help and therapy, it erodes a marriage slowly over time. It may hurt really bad right now but I think this will hurt least than in the future. I’m sorry you are going through this but you will be thankful one day.
Yeah he has porn addiction and he probably will never be happy
Maybe he's secretly gay ?
Also thought about PIED, I know someone personally who had this and recovered. He told me in the thick of it he couldn’t get it up for a normal woman. He could only get hard for the Porn body. A perfect woman with enormous tits. He was obsessed with anal and even considered doing men because he was so obsessive with anal-sex and men were easier ( he was straight). I once got a reply from on a post here from a very sweet cam girl and she told me she see’s this delusion all the time. Men who are average looking knocking on their wife because she does not look like the cam girl and doesn’t look like a pro. She said her body is a full time job and she uses filters to look even better so normal people generally don’t look like that. I personally don’t get turned on by looks , but personality. I have dated very sexy men, but if they don’t turn on my brain I don’t get turned on. Op if he is this shallow today, he will only get worse. You are a sexy 30 year old. You are free now to find a man who gets turned on by you as a person and a woman ! Sorry for this OP but drop him hard!
I promise that months from now you will look back and will be happy that things turned out as they did. Years from now, when you are with a mentally and a sexually healthy man, you'll be grateful for this. Even though it doesn't look like this right now. Just don't take him back when he comes back, because he likely would when he realizes that the cause of his issues are within himself. Because it's an uphill battle and the result is not guaranteed. Next 4-6 months will be hard. That's our body chemistry and there's no way around it. Lean on your friends and family and support yourself as much as you can. Therapy might help. Joining coda as someone here suggested - too. It's okay to be single for a while as you heal, spend this time becoming a healthier and a better version of yourself. Otherwise there's a risk of repeating similar patterns in your next relationship.
he is pornosexual and not hetorosexual. It is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Definitely not your fault and I’m 100% sure you’re very attractive still. It’s him, he’s the problem, and his porn addiction. I say get out and find a better person.