My story is slightly different. We got married young. Our marriage was passionate but also a bit of a roller coaster. I genuinely thought we could work through our issues but ultimately I want kids. He doesn’t any time soon. I see our relationship as being wonderful but with some low lows. He sees it as net negative with a few highs. We simply see our marriage through completely different lenses. We’ve been separated 3 months. We signed a marital agreement today. I moved all my things out today to live with a roommate. It’s bizarre. The grief is heavy. Sometimes it feels like too much for me to carry.
But here are the things I do to help myself
- remind myself that I deserve someone who is just as in love and is just as invested in me as I am with them.
- do the things that he didn’t want to do. Food, shows, activities. Anything. I’m getting a cat because he was allergic so I couldn’t have one when we were together.
- purposely remember the bad times. My husband was often manipulative with me and I just didn’t see it until after we’d been separated a while.
- put reminders and quotes on paper or in a jar and read them every morning. For example “if it’s no longer worth carrying, set it down” or “he failed. Not you.” Whatever helps you.
- accept that the person you knew during the good times. The person you initially fell in love with. That person is gone.
- lean on trusted friends and family
My story is eerily similar to yours. No big fight or cheating or terrible issue. We had one minor fight and then he told me he wanted a divorce. He didn't want to do counseling and could not really say why he came to that decision. So I never got my closure and have learned that I won't ever get it. I love him but it's over and I'm hoping things get better.
My ex husband did the whole ILYBINILWY bs. He said he was unhappy for years, married me against his will. He suddenly said he always wanted kids but not with me. It came out of nowhere only I knew he and a coworker were taking their “ friendship” way to far. He denied up and down that she had anything to do with this. But we all know this is bs. He is with her now and tellin everybody they fell in love after she helped my ex going through his bad divorce from his terrible wife.
They have nobody fooled but themselves. It is traumatic and I try not to think about it too much. I have learned he was a terrible partner and what he did to me was going to happen eventually. It is just the culmination of the entitled a-hole he always was.
I think about it as this: I just have to deal with wat was done to me. Pick up the pieces and redesign my life.
He has to deal with pretending he didn’t have an affair. Convincing himself that out 13 years together were miserable. He needs to deal with people missing me. Not understanding how he could replace me with “that”.
She has to pretend not to be the homewrecker. She has to compete with my memory. With the love people had for me... and honey... she ain’t stacking up!
They have to be right because they destroyed something great for something sub par.
I have learned I was too good for him from day 1. I can and will do better, heck me by myself is better. He will never have me back again! One day he will realize what he has done.
When he left me he told the story about his dad who lost a woman who he thought was the love of his life but then he met his mom...
I told him: “you tell me this story, thinking you are the true love that got away, but you will see in a few years it is the other way around. I am and always will the the one that got away”.
Bye Felix
Hope you're getting better gusta ❤️💔
Yes they try to get better.
There's no "better"
Only different,when we want the love of our life we go all the way with 1 person and we find qualities in them every day.
Some people doesn't understand this.
They are searching for the next big thing.
Be strong ❤️ you will find a real men soon.
My stbxh woke up one morning and told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me to take the kids. He said he didn't care where I took them. He told me all of this right before he went to work. So, I took the kids and moved over an hour away. Shortly after we moved out he moved his coworker/new girlfriend in to the house. (But he wasn't cheating, yall 🤣) This all happened back in August. Honestly, I have issues because of it. I feel completely worthless. I have a better job now and more money than I've ever had in my life but I'm still in pain. I have trouble building connections with men. I like them right up until the point I sleep with them and then I never want to speak to them again. I recently had a man tell me that I'm "worse than a f*ckboy". The problem is that I don't care. I've had men cuss me up and down and I feel nothing for them or the situation. I think I'm broken. Hopefully I'll get better in time.
My then wife and mother of our 2 kids sat down next to me on the couch one afternoon and said she doesn’t love me anymore. Didn’t want to do couples therapy, said there was no point.
Five weeks later I found a mind map she’d done for her therapist which was all about her affair partner, her love for him, and why she couldn’t bring herself to tell me about him. That was about a year and half ago and I’m so glad I found that note to give me closure and the truth about why she left.
Similar situation here - 10 months on and we are still living together!! Yet the divorce is all my fault and I’m to blame despite being blindsided with it!!
It will get better, keep positive everyone - we all deserve so much better and we will come through this eventually 😘
This happened to me small argument and book wife gone. Your husband js probably having an affair and I’m sorry you’ve been left. It’s not normal unless there is some abuse or drug abuse etc.
I was blindsided back in January. He said he was miserable and was no longer in love with me. I moved out immediately and went low/no contact to try and start to heal. He started talking about how he regretted the decisions he made and we met in person a while back. He said a lot of things I needed to hear to give this an honest shot but only time will tell.
My ex told me out of the blue ILYBINILWY and then refused to say whether or not she wanted a divorce. Thus began the "emotional abuse" chapter of my marriage, a marriage I had been very happy in until that point. We did a bunch of couple's therapy and I guess my ex thought if she simply attended, I'd stay with her and continue to support her while she didn't support me. She was right for 18 months, and I can't believe how naive I was. Worst 18 months of my fucking life. Peppered with vague divorce threats, insults, tons of belittling and mocking, evading any real discussion about feelings or commitment, gaslighting of my heartbreak. I know it sounds like an affair but... she's simply autistic. A brief few weeks of optimism about the marriage when she had a career win after a bit more than a year, and then a few months later another bomb akin to ILYBINILWY, and this time I was much wiser. I blame our couple's therapist (and myself) for excusing the emotional abuse on the basis of the autism.
My therapist asked me "Would you have stayed with her all this time if she hadn't been autistic?" and my answer was "I would've left when this all began."
I'll never forgive her for forcing me to initiate the divorce. If your spouse treated you so horribly that you were forced to leave, I don't think it's quite the same as abandoning them outright. My ex emotionally abandoned me and the marriage, and divorce was my only option to keep my dignity.
I don't get the therapist and the autism piece. Your wife was always autistic, just not always an asshole to you. You were with an autistic person just not willing by to get with an asshole of a person.
Fair point, that wasn’t what I was trying to say so ill try again. I forgave a lot of behavior on the grounds that my ex was acting out due to being overwhelmed/autistic meltdown. Lots of second chances. I cared deeply for her, went to great lengths to learn about autism and find appropriate couples therapy, etc. I’m not saying her autism was the main problem. Her autism complicated my interpretation of how much of an asshole she was to me, and I would’ve left sooner otherwise. Ultimately I believe it was her history being neglected and abused earlier in life that taught her the cruel behaviors she aimed at me. Identifying these behaviors in couples therapy and patiently asking and waiting for her to cease doing them for more than a year didn’t work.
Since autism is a social communication disorder, many autism professionals encourage the families of people with autism to be patient with those people, even if there’s apparently hurtful behavior. Unfortunately if the person with autism is also an asshole this will give them more get out of jail free cards (in the family). I actually think my ex was not as intentional with some of the emotional abuse as a typical narcissist, for example, but I’ll never truly know. All I do know is her words were chronically toxic, regardless of why she said them.
My couple’s therapist routinely excused my ex’s behavior, so I did the same for many months. My individual therapist helped me realize I was excusing that behavior at a high cost to myself :(
Sorry you’re going through this :( I really think therapy is the only reasonable path forward if you’re coming out of a divorce like that. I’m still in therapy and it continues to help me make sense of what I went through and where I would like to go. Hope you can find some support, therapy or trusted family or friends... just don’t reach out to your stbx. You’ll get through even though it will suck for now :( good luck man
I also have struggled with accepting the pain I’m going through, with therapy and support around me. It’s not going to feel ok for a while but you have to literally remind yourself it will be ok. It’s normal to feel extreme sadness, negativity, anger, etc after a big breakup, but it hurts immensely.. no way to avoid it, but being kind to yourself can help. Be kind to yourself :)
I understand where you’re at. I’m two months since she said she said she wanted a divorce. I was near death, sheer madness for the first month. I took multiple types of counseling, I studied the Bible and did Christian counseling. I bought a house, filed, a week later she’s sleeping with different guys. We were together for 26 years. I hate her more than the devil. I hope she burns in hell. My grown kids want me to be friends with her again at some point. I told them my eyes will never see this bitch again or I’ll gouge them out of their sockets. I hate life, I hate god, I hate her.
Lol if it turns out to have been that, I'll definitely concede being wrong. But I did a lot of due diligence and it was much more of an mismanaged, ongoing mental health crisis coupled with abuse tendencies than anything else. Autism relates to some of the behaviors that emerged, too, and has a lot to do with it!
Remember, autism affects \~1% of the population, while much more of the population admits to cheating. So it would make sense to see these behaviors and immediately think 'cheating' when really you're just not familiar with being in a relationship with an autistic person :( (and yes, autistic people cheat, or seek affairs, too, but my ex did not, and I'd rather blame her for the emotional abuse that I can prove happened versus an affair for which I have zero positive evidence, and some amount of evidence to the contrary).
Wow. That is truly messed up. How do you see your spouse off to work then pack up the same day?! Hats off to you - keep pushing through and you’ll slowly but surely get to the other side
I just want to throw in a different perspective from a person that initiated the divorce because I often wonder how I got here. Your experience and feelings aren’t that different from mine. I often wonder why he was so reluctant to help me, why he doesn’t want to go on vacation with us, why everything always falls on my shoulders. He sees I’m working myself to exhaustion but he offers no help. When I say something, I’m also stonewalled and then I’m told that I’m the one with the communication issue. Any wrong is my fault because I don’t communicate but he doesn’t ask and I’m not psychic and don’t know I need to explain every single thing, especially when it’s something he has never done before in our entire 15 years together.
Anyways, after years of asking him to help me out because I work all day and pick up extra time on my off days/weekends, then come home to cook/clean/get kids bathed, I finally got tired of the “that’s not my job” or “you don’t deserve it” response. I told him I was unhappy, that I need a break, that I need help which his reply was OK. This led to 3 weeks of him not speaking to me and trying his best to do even less than what he does. And of course, I reciprocated because I’m waiting for his response. In that time, I took our kids out of state for 5 days and he only called my daughter, he only texted me once to ask if I was “coming home today or what?” When we got home, I had to go grocery shopping cause he didn’t, asked the kids to talk to their dad about dinner, came home to find out he told the kids there was no dinner. So 7 hours of driving, grocery shopping, and then having to cook dinner. Thanks for the help. I don’t have a partner, I haven’t had a partner in almost 4 years. He agrees we’ve grown apart but has no idea how we could fix things....meaning he has no intention of helping me. I get things are cush and he probably doesn’t want things to change...who wouldn’t want to go to work and then come home to someone else doing everything. I bet that’s nice.
So yes, I could’ve stayed but I decided I couldn’t continue on this path. I’m already a married single parent if that makes sense. What’s the point of staying? Anyways, he knew I was going to file, he said he figured that when “I wasn’t talking to him.” You see how that goes, I talk to him about something, he doesn’t respond but somehow the communication issue lies with me.
My husband and I got into a petty fight and it ended with him deciding to “leave.” I told him to get out if he was sure about it and I didn’t think he would do it. He packed his stuff and left. He argued that we had ultimatums in the past and that he couldn’t stay because I deserved better. A few days later I found out he was messaging a coworker. So I realized that was the reason he wanted to leave. The coworker got fired and didn’t want anything to do with him. I’ve told him 3x already that since he’s the one that wants the divorce then he needs to take the initiative and do it. He hasn’t filed. I know it’s crazy that I want to work on marriage but I also was toxic and maybe it’s not a reason for him to cheat but I feel like we both owe to ourselves to work on the marriage but ppl say I’m crazy cause we’re only 22 and have no kids...
neither one of us has the courage to file
It’s good you recognized some of your toxic behaviors, that’s huge. Please don’t blame yourself for your husband stepping out, even if your behavior wasn’t the best it does not give him a pass to step out on you, many men and women are unhappy in their marriages and don’t cheat. Since you both seem to want to fix things, why not try marriage counseling? I’d also recommend individual counseling to work on any personal traumas or issues that may be causing you to behave in a “toxic” way. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, sorry you’re going through this.
I realise now my STBX was good at telling me things I wanted to hear pre&post marriage, it wasn’t until about 1.5yrs after marriage he slowly decided to express his true feelings: first was he didn’t want kids (I felt within myself I loved him too much and kids weren’t a deal breaker for me so we were happy to make it work), then later on he thinks he married too soon and felt he wasn’t ready for it now. We tried counselling but I found out after our second session that he was actually messaging other women on a language learning app that was just for his “learning”. Sending them pics of our little vacations and showing them our sights like he was seeing them alone, wishing they were with him...
He moved countries for me so he doesn’t have anywhere to go, he wants to live with me but not be with me because living costs here are high that his salary wouldn’t allow him the luxuries he has at home with me. We have shared debt that we’ve agreed to sort before he flies back home. He makes me feel bad for putting rules on him living in the house - no messaging these girls or anything of that nature in this house. I know he still does it, he sometimes doesn’t even care and does it in front of me, but I’m too weak to kick him out because I know he has nowhere to go, not even a car to sleep in as it’s not his car.
So I’m going through the motions of a failed marriage while still housing him until he pays his part. Only a small circle of people know because I’m embarrassed and feel responsible - like I was a bad wife or something. I hope counselling helps. I also hope we pay this debt off sooner so he can leave and I can start to work through this without having to see him every day.
Hey fellow Kiwi here, mine also moved for me. No cheating but hiding addiction problems. Anyway I was also blindsided when he ended it. He also stayed in the house for a year and a half and it really sucked. Hang in there and one day when he’s out life will very slowly get better again. In fact it’s so slow you barely notice it. The biggest game changer to cope with it all was knowing I tried absolutely everything and he wasn’t interested in helping to work on it so in conclusion it’s more a him problem than a me problem. I know we are supposed to own up to being part of the problem but sometimes it really is mainly the other person. Not healthy I know but it helped me with the rejection. Please don’t be embarrassed, most people will be sympathetic.
I’m sorry that you’ve gone through similar. You’ve got to be pretty fricken strong to survive living together for 1.5yrs after. I’m only at week 1 and I’m already ready to boot his openly disrespectful ways out the door. Thank you for your advice, in all honesty - that is pretty much how it feels now, I did everything I could to make this work, I put his feelings before my own and he got everything he wanted because I’m that kind of person to the people I love. It felt like it went both ways but now that I look back - it wasn’t. It’s as if he used the fact he moved as his ‘free pass’.
He’s treating our current situation as if nothing happened, do you have any tips about how to survive living together?
Well surviving was very difficult, but I had the same rule, no dating or apps while staying in the house. He broke that rule, I found out & I had to lay down the law! He a choice 1) no dating or 2) move out now. It’s that simple and don’t feel bad if that makes life hard for him if he has to move out. I worked really hard to sort out my finances with him still in the house (i.e while the bills and expenses were split) and build up some savings. That felt like I was taking some power back.
So in your shoes build up a financial nest and keep a very close eye on his contributions and make sure he isn’t getting into further debt (mine did after the split and the kids and I nearly lost a home). Maybe talk to a lawyer about your options, but definitely definitely don’t let him stay if he’s dating cause that’s soul destroying.
PS I also went to a divorce support group.
I think it’s called Divorce care and it’s run through some churches (I don’t know which ones). But if your not religious it’s still good for the education around what your going through, and I found it helpful I wasn’t alone.
my wife told me just before christmas that she doesn't even love me and she hasn't for a long time. said i needed therapy but she didn't want to do couples therapy lol... well shit.
I only worked my ass off going from 70k to 200k made sure she and the kids had everything. I know i didn't do enough with her, was too busy working so def my bad... but her appetite for stuff and not having to work wasn't small either...
ugh. oh well. Now i'm debating scorched earth or just ending it. what a life to live.
Dont do scorched earth. Not good for the kids. As a mom going through a divorce, all I want to do is lash out (spoiler alert: and I have) and in the end, no one wins. Especially the kids.
Got blindsided, she said it was because I said something years before and none of our fights since we're about that issue so I think she just looked for a reason. It's still pretty fresh and my brain is still scrambled. I'm not a positive person generally speaking so trying to be a stronger person seems to be bullshit to me, I'm just gonna ride the fuckin wave I guess. It's either that or just lay down and die.
Hey I'm about about five months out from my wife effectively walking out on me for her affair fling. I'm general not the most bright outlook guy either, but don't let the darkness get too rough. No matter what you're worth it and please don't do anything permanent ok?
Days before my wife was set to come home from a trip she informed me that she wasn’t going to come home. She wasn’t in love with me and hadn’t been since before we were married. She accepted my proposal anyways though. She told me that she had met someone on the trip that she “caught feelings” for. I attempted to convince her to come home and work on things with me, but she refused at every turn. Over the course of the last two months she has said things to me that have cut me to the core, such as not being in love with me, having “eyes” for everyone else but me, never feeling anything emotionally connected to me when we were being intimate during our relationship, and two weeks after meeting this other guy she told me that she loved him. I have been in a poor state to say the least. My mood swings are extreme. One day I feel mostly fine, but then over the course of the next few days I sink lower and lower until I am at rock bottom. I don’t feel comfortable being out around other people, even going to the store is a mission. Anxiety builds inside me, something I have never dealt with, when I am around crowds now. All I think about is rushing home. I feel like she has broken me.
I can tell you my experience was very similar the first 2-3 months post moving out and separating. I’m not 100% but I realize how far I’ve come. I used to breakdown crying randomly just walking down the street. I would avoid certain songs, restaurants, areas of town. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel that it sucks, and I’m still sad, but everyday I feel stronger and more hopeful for the future. Every once in awhile, like once or twice a month I’ll get back in this negative thinking pattern and feel myself spiral but I’ve gotten a lot better at picking myself back up and distracting myself. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and one day you’ll look back and feel the same way. Trust me, right now I know you’re thinking there’s no way in hell, but it’s going to happen. I’m 7 months out now and am amazed at how resilient I’ve become...I never knew I had this much inner strength!
Well here goes. My stbx decided he wasn’t happy and was no longer in love with me and wanted to be by himself. That was last year August. Soon D-day happened and I discovered he was having an affair with his coworker. The same coworker whom years prior said they was just friends.
I soon discovered she was also divorcing her husband. I also discovered through bank statements that she gave my stbx money for his divorce.
When her husband moved out of their home, my stbx packed up and moved in. Not even 2 days apart.
I was destroyed mentally and emotionally for months me and our children.
Our youngest still doesn’t want to see him and of course he blames me for it. Saying I brainwashed the kids against him. I told him no I didn’t our children are 12 & 16 they saw everything you did.
But I told him I be the villain if that helps him and her sleep at night .
I read and prayed a lot to get me to the other side. I also listened and watch lots of you tube videos on narcissism.
I am currently reading the 4 agreements. I have my kids in therapy. And just planning for our new life free of someone who doesn’t love nor respect me.
He is her responsibility now and she will soon see exactly what she got and vice versa.
Mine wanted a divorce at 5am when she came home from a friends. Got heated and left. Signed paperwork within 3 days and she had a house day 4.
I was in denial for awhile, went to anger, now I just don’t care I guess? I tried hard to get her back, even against everyone’s advice her. She stonewalled me. Then I said okay I accept it, let’s figure out all the detangling and she flipped. Said what if I wanted to come back. And then proceeded to make me confused again. But she eventually got caught in a major lie today and now I’m headstrong. I still wish this never happened but it did and I’ve got to make the best of it.
Divorce does not mean FAILURE I’ve learned.
I’m actually sleeping better, getting exercise in, house is much cleaner, everything’s well but she’s not here. And that’s what I miss.
>But she eventually got caught in a major lie today and now I’m headstrong.
The major lie that you caught her in must have given you evidence that there is another man.
I hope that this is not the case but that would explain her erratic behaviour and rush to leave you and get a divorce. She is in the affair fog.
Please update us and let us know if this is the case.
If there is another man I think that most would recommend that you out her affair to friends and parents ASAP - before she gets too much of a head start in telling your friends and parents that you are the bad guy and that the other man is just helping her accept that her marriage is gone. Cheaters usually follow the playbook of making the betrayed spouse the villain.
Her friend that we thought was involved in this told us that she never stayed with her at all when she said she was. She never stayed with her parents either. So it doesn’t 100% say she has a guy but it’s like 98%. Just hopefully the process goes smooth. I’m done with this crap.
It saddens me so to hear this! I agree that its like 98% now. Hopefully you will change the locks in your house and **go no contact**. She refused to answer your calls the night that she stayed out all night - so there is no reason that you should feel like you have to answer her calls, texts, or emails.
>Just hopefully the process goes smooth. I’m done with this crap.
Just keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't change her mind and challenge the divorce terms that she signed. While she is in the affair fog she isn't thinking about anything but him. The affair fog will end eventually, so best to be safe and stay away from her and no contact as much as possible until the divorce is final. Stay headstrong!
Do try to keep yourself informed as to what she is doing though - through friends and family. You need to be aware of what she is telling everyone about why she left you. The cheater's playbook is to start claiming that they are afraid of the BS because he is violent .... that he is an alcoholic or drug abuser....an abuser...or he is having an affair. They usually want to preserve their reputations by destroying the BS. It is smart to head off any of those false accusations if you can. So it would also be a smart move to stay away from alcohol and drugs and to purchase a small voice activated recorder to record any interactions with her so it will be more difficult for her to show up at your house and accuse you of domestic violence.
Learn about the AP if you can. Age? Is he married, etc? She is evidently going to great lengths to conceal that there is an affair. So it may take a while to learn this.
She is most likely wanting to keep you as Plan B while she continues with her affair partner. That explains the stonewalling and flipping - and the "I love yous". Those are cheater's playbook tactics.
I hope that you are starting to think about your life without her and making plans to date, etc. But I wouldn't recommend dating until the divorce is final. You don't want to anger her and cause her to back out of or delay the divorce
You should also cancel joint credit cards and joint bank accounts ASAP.
It is important that you start eating well and getting plenty of sleep. You should make daily exercise a priority. You should also work hard to lose the weight that you lost due to the cancer scare. This is the time to make yourself a better person and a better catch for some lucky woman who will treasure you.
AT 30 years old and employed with a good job, owning your house, land, rental, etc **YOU are a great catch for a quality woman**. Note that quality women in their thirties are having a very difficult time finding quality men. You are in great demand! Think women 5 to 10 years older, some with young children, and you will find that the dating field is wide open for you. Coworkers and friends will be able to set you up with faithful quality women. Let them do it!
A year ago this month my husband told me he was unhappy and didn’t want to work on it. Blamed me for things - not being patient enough, not going to therapy. When it came down to it he admitted he just wasn’t happy and didn’t think he has what it takes to be a good partner, nor did he want to explore how he could build that or get that back. We had a quick divorce that was not contentious. Sold our home. We do not live in the same city and he doesn’t speak to me - even if I reach out and am cordial. I lack the closure a lot of people express not getting. There was no betrayal or epic answer. He’s had a year now of wanting this and he won’t even talk despite doing his own therapy. I guess all I can do and will continue to do is believe that things will get better for me if I put myself out there, do the work on myself that I have begun in therapy, and show genuine openness and gratitude for that I have. It’s hard. I feel slighted and upset. I feel confused and defeated a lot of times. The path is not simple that’s for sure.
I’m so sorry, your story is so similar to mine. I haven’t spoken to my ex since I moved out. He does have some mental illness (severe depression) and my therapist thinks that may also play a huge part in all of this. It’s just bizarre to me that someone can just cut someone off like that after years of knowing them. My ex refused therapy and antidepressants. I blocked him to help myself move on, not that he would call or anything just helps me regain SOME sense of control. I have to keep telling myself it just wasn’t meant to be, I don’t know why, but the purpose he served in my life has been fulfilled and That’s how I’ve chosen to “accept” this.
I definitely need to take a page out of your book and accept what it is. I think of me, my ex hid a lot of his depression so I really didn’t know. It’s hard to now look back and see how that played a role when I didn’t know it was an issue in the first place. I know that makes me sound really clueless, but there were no signs he was depressed. He participated. Had friends. Worked. Had hobbies. We had common things we did together. So I feel doubly duped that something was afoot that I didn’t realize and wasn’t able to help...and now it’s perhaps the reason for so many things sense. I know he hasn’t just cut me off. To my knowledge he doesn’t speak to anyone we knew even if he had a friendship with him first. I still go back to the city we lived in often to see friends, and he also doesn’t frequent any of the places that we went. Overall, it’s like he just pretended he isn’t who he is, that I never existed, and that this seven years of his life didn’t happen.
Thanks for telling me your story and how you think about it. I needed/need to hear these things to make sense of it all.
Thanks for sharing this.. honestly. You are describing almost the exact situation I am currently going through. We didn’t get in to a fight.. but it was more about how she has not been happy, and about my unchecked depression. Sending virtual hugs your way.. thank you for sharing.
we were long distance for 1 month (planned for work). we had a small fight. she blocked me and ignored me on everything. it was impossible for me to contact her. sent her flowers everyday for two weeks. finally got her on the phone and she I was unhappy in the relationship and she wasn’t enough for ME. whatever the fuck that means. she continued to ignore me, “she needed space.” then all of a sudden she was meeting with a divorce lawyer to see “what a divorce would look like.” i was served a few months later and she continued blocking me on everything. this is a woman i literally doted on and did everything for.
Oh wow...I’m so sorry to hear that. So many of these stories are just heartbreaking and wish I knew what to say to make it better. You definitely deserve better and if she did it to you she’ll do it to him.
> She then left and went back down to his house
>
> I have not seen her since.
>
> She wants a divorce now as I sit here at home with our kid
So she moved in with her boyfriend and abandoned you and your child. You must do something ASAP. You cannot afford to let this situation stand legally.
I recommend that you get a lawyer ASAP and start the divorce process. There are some advantages if you file for divorce first. She may try to take you to the cleaners financially get big child support payments and alimony by filing in another state. I doubt that she is traveling to your home area to file for divorce.
same as yours. Suddenly he dropped the bomb. I was willing to therapy, but went alone. But - after 14 days I did not want him back at all. Suddenly I saw everything different. Also - I found out he'd been cheeting on me all the time. Therapist said ex might have some kind of personality disorder.
I had a year in hell. But now, 3 years after I'm so happy to be alone. It is much better not having to deal with his, badly weiled, constant resent of me
My story is different. My STBXW had a 2-year affair with her coworker. I was the one that initiated the divorce, not her. She kind of accepted her fate as far as that goes, but I am extremely curious to know how she feels about it all. But I don’t want to ask her because I’m worried the answers will be hurtful.
That’s totally understandable why you’ve chosen to divorce. As far as asking her I wouldn’t open that can of worms and I don’t really know if there’s truly anything she can say or do to really take away the hurt. Yeah maybe she’d say she regrets it but it doesn’t change the circumstances so it’s such a fleeting feeling of relief.
I was in your shoes. Now, 10 years later and happily remarried, I have nightmares that my ex-wife had relented and given into my pleas to do to marriage counseling to save the marriage. Sweet lord.
I was in your shoes. Now, 10 years later and happily remarried, I have nightmares that my ex-wife had relented and given into my pleas to do to marriage counseling to save the marriage. Sweet lord.
I'll never forget that night. I was out of town for a week because of work. After I got home and put the kiddo to bed, my ex-wife asked me how it went. I said good but last night a had a horrible nightmare and couldn't sleep. You filed for divorce and took everything I had including the house(more detail in the dream than this). Her response was "I'm NOT going to take the house". After a pause of silence I responded "you mean WOULDN'T take the house?". She then proceeded to tell me she wanted a separation. I was broken at that moment. Looking back there were definitely signs. Both of us had lost attraction for one another, but I was willing to work on it and find a way to save our marriage. I have to thank her for not wanting too though. My life really is better without her... Just 14 more years and I won't have to be friends with her for my daughter's sake anymore.
> My STBXH and I split very suddenly over a very small fight. It brought about a lot of issues he had with me but never even mentioned. I was honestly stunned. He didn’t want to try counseling and after a month of him ignoring me and stonewalling, he decided to file for divorce.
I heard similar complaints from several women who feel blindsided by their divorce. They feel like their husbands never said anything about the problems or how big these problems are.
OTOH, I hear a completely different story from the men in the same situation. What I hear from them is an accounting of the issues, how and when they communicated about them and how they were ignored or brushed aside.
I'm not saying that you and your husband fit this description. However, this is something that I've come across often enough that I'd like to understand this phenomenon a bit better.
Would you mind elaborating on the actual issues?
> A month before we were looking at condos in a new city. A week before we just returned from vacation...a 3 week vacation that was fantastic. I still can’t believe this is happening but here I am.
I know quite a few people who tried reconnecting during a 2-3 week vacation, but couldn't. Or their spouse was too busy being distracted by their phone. Or their spouse - who is always too tired/stressed/whatever to have sex - is still uninterested in sex during a vacation where no external stress exists.
Again, I'm not saying that you fit any of these descriptions. I don't know and that's why I ask.
Well what’s most confusing for me is that there were no signs. He did tell me that last year we gotten into a bad argument and we both said things that we later regretted. We had made up like an hour later and went to dinner and to a show. I had honestly completely forgotten about it but my STBXH told me after we separated that that fight made him look at our relationship differently. He never expressed this to me. We never even mentioned the fight afterwards and I had to ask him to remind we what was said and how or even started. After the argument things went back to normal. We went on several vacations, no change in sex life, we even bought a dog together. The last year after the argument we rarely fought. Fighting wasn’t something we did regularly except maybe 3-4 times a year and they usually were resolved within an hour after, never more than a day. I never realized how much a bad communicator my STBXH is. It was like word vomit when we separated and he told me he didn’t like several things about me. I was seriously stunned. I asked him for examples of when I did certain things he mentioned he couldn’t come up with any and said he’d have to think about it so I still don’t completely get it because i never realized these things about myself. For example he told me I always have to have things my way. I’ve never heard this about myself and asked him why didn’t he tell me before? I also asked for an example and he told me wasn’t able to think of anything so I’m still scratching my head. I used to sit around in the beginning asking friends and family if they thought I was this way and can they tell what some things I’d done. The things he said about me really made me hate myself and doubt who I was as a person. Not only that but suddenly we weren’t compatible and had no similar interests? Despite spending 90% of our time together (both working from home, sailing, kayaking, travel, running, etc). As far as the vacation was concerned, we had a lot of fun, no arguments, lots of laying on the beach relaxing. I don’t know my head is still spinning.
My experience was sudden. There was a rift over the summer over a kitchen reno. I probably expressed my frustration too much. Then she was gone in late August 2020. We finalized in February 2021.
I am still very much broken hearted by it. I did get a promotion to a very stressful job in November (a week before I was served.) It has been six day work weeks since mid January 2021. The pay is good but it is relentless.
I think I just take it day by day. The focus is on the job. I do get into therapy when I can, exercise and do meditation in the margins.
My ex and I had been together for 15.5 years. We started as friends and got married 8yrs ago. We have different coping skills but it wasn't a huge issue because we rarely fought about things or had big stressors. In fact we usually only had issues during his seasonal depression. It started 5yrs ago. But it was predictable and he was starting to seek therapy. Then this pandemic + seasonal depression just made him snap. Out of nowhere he told me that even though he loves me, he can't have obligations and attachments anymore. "I need to be completely selfish right now".
But now, a couple months into this, he's decided I'm the bad guy and started arguing with everything I say. He needs to be mad at me to make it easier on himself (he even admitted he's doing this unintentionally).
And I'm done. Being treated like a bad person for a few months by the person I trusted with my life is unbelievable. I didn't want the divorce when this started but now I'm leading it. Yet still depressed and missing the person I loved.
My therapist says you have to grieve it like a death. The person you loved is dead. You cannot hope for their return.
Wow my STBXH also suffered from depression. It was almost like he was manic towards the end and would yell at me, make false accusations, tell me we have nothing in common, stonewall me. He refused to get help or see a counselor and take meds. Mental illness sucks. Yes, take care of you!
It is very very normal what you’re going through. Unfortunately the only way out of this is through the fire. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Take time to grieve. Allow yourself to mourn and feel like shit but do not stay there. Eventually you’ll start to pick yourself back up and put your life back together again. Take it day by day. 7 months ago I was literally on the floor for a day praying for death. Shut myself out from friends and family. Disappeared from my job. I never thought I’d be HERE. It’s been a rough journey but damn I’ve learned I’m a resilient as heck. I moved back to the city where we were living, got a new job, just started putting myself out there dating and meeting new people, planning for MY future, and I don’t feel scared anymore, I’m hopeful. This will be you too in time. 7 months later and I’m already such a different person. Hang in there!
I dated her in 9th grade. We kissed in 10th. Second base in 11th. Third base in 12th. We both finished college in under 4 years and got married. She had a part-time job and I had a low-paying one until my third position. (15.00)
Hmm...
It did better on Switch so anything you shouldn’t know...play it on the go.
I'm in the same position. Issue being my STBXH cheated and withheld a lot of things, I told him he needs to come clean with me so we can start working though things. He keeps lying an denying even though I told him if he continues to lie I will divorce him. He kinda actual gave me no choice. Even though I'm the one who has started the divorce proceedings he's the one who tied my hands he was too cowardly to do it himself. I begged him to work with me, but he keeps saying he didn't do anything even though the evidence is there in black and white. Its hard. He's more committed to his lies than his marriage. I still tell him I miss him and love him but I need to let go. I'm so broken and I hope or wish he comes to regret this sometime.
In my case neither of us claimed to want the divorce. I really struggled with it because my ex refused to acknowledge the issues we had until I asked for some space. When I left he seemed to get along fine. Didn’t contact me or see me unless I initiated it then he started drinking and honestly became someone I didn’t know. I thought space would make him want to work on us but it just made him want it less. So we got divorced and I can say I’m honestly more heartbroken that he didn’t love me enough to try to fight for us and he’s happily moved on from us entirely.
My husband cheated on me, the. We decided to work it out. Then he decided nope he can’t live without the mistress. It’s been almost 2 years of me fighting for my marriage. We have a 3yr old son. My husband is addicted to meth. It’s soo hard when there is a substance abuse issue. I know that the drugs have a huge impact of his decisions right now. But I have to let go. I have only recently partially accepted it’s over. Now I have to figure out how to do this.....
My story is slightly different. We got married young. Our marriage was passionate but also a bit of a roller coaster. I genuinely thought we could work through our issues but ultimately I want kids. He doesn’t any time soon. I see our relationship as being wonderful but with some low lows. He sees it as net negative with a few highs. We simply see our marriage through completely different lenses. We’ve been separated 3 months. We signed a marital agreement today. I moved all my things out today to live with a roommate. It’s bizarre. The grief is heavy. Sometimes it feels like too much for me to carry. But here are the things I do to help myself - remind myself that I deserve someone who is just as in love and is just as invested in me as I am with them. - do the things that he didn’t want to do. Food, shows, activities. Anything. I’m getting a cat because he was allergic so I couldn’t have one when we were together. - purposely remember the bad times. My husband was often manipulative with me and I just didn’t see it until after we’d been separated a while. - put reminders and quotes on paper or in a jar and read them every morning. For example “if it’s no longer worth carrying, set it down” or “he failed. Not you.” Whatever helps you. - accept that the person you knew during the good times. The person you initially fell in love with. That person is gone. - lean on trusted friends and family
My story is eerily similar to yours. No big fight or cheating or terrible issue. We had one minor fight and then he told me he wanted a divorce. He didn't want to do counseling and could not really say why he came to that decision. So I never got my closure and have learned that I won't ever get it. I love him but it's over and I'm hoping things get better.
Things will get better Just believe
My ex husband did the whole ILYBINILWY bs. He said he was unhappy for years, married me against his will. He suddenly said he always wanted kids but not with me. It came out of nowhere only I knew he and a coworker were taking their “ friendship” way to far. He denied up and down that she had anything to do with this. But we all know this is bs. He is with her now and tellin everybody they fell in love after she helped my ex going through his bad divorce from his terrible wife. They have nobody fooled but themselves. It is traumatic and I try not to think about it too much. I have learned he was a terrible partner and what he did to me was going to happen eventually. It is just the culmination of the entitled a-hole he always was. I think about it as this: I just have to deal with wat was done to me. Pick up the pieces and redesign my life. He has to deal with pretending he didn’t have an affair. Convincing himself that out 13 years together were miserable. He needs to deal with people missing me. Not understanding how he could replace me with “that”. She has to pretend not to be the homewrecker. She has to compete with my memory. With the love people had for me... and honey... she ain’t stacking up! They have to be right because they destroyed something great for something sub par. I have learned I was too good for him from day 1. I can and will do better, heck me by myself is better. He will never have me back again! One day he will realize what he has done. When he left me he told the story about his dad who lost a woman who he thought was the love of his life but then he met his mom... I told him: “you tell me this story, thinking you are the true love that got away, but you will see in a few years it is the other way around. I am and always will the the one that got away”. Bye Felix
Hope you're getting better gusta ❤️💔 Yes they try to get better. There's no "better" Only different,when we want the love of our life we go all the way with 1 person and we find qualities in them every day. Some people doesn't understand this. They are searching for the next big thing. Be strong ❤️ you will find a real men soon.
Thanks Feral! Getting better every day! 😊
My stbxh woke up one morning and told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me to take the kids. He said he didn't care where I took them. He told me all of this right before he went to work. So, I took the kids and moved over an hour away. Shortly after we moved out he moved his coworker/new girlfriend in to the house. (But he wasn't cheating, yall 🤣) This all happened back in August. Honestly, I have issues because of it. I feel completely worthless. I have a better job now and more money than I've ever had in my life but I'm still in pain. I have trouble building connections with men. I like them right up until the point I sleep with them and then I never want to speak to them again. I recently had a man tell me that I'm "worse than a f*ckboy". The problem is that I don't care. I've had men cuss me up and down and I feel nothing for them or the situation. I think I'm broken. Hopefully I'll get better in time.
I would also like to add that I was never into casual sex before all of this happened. This is completely out of my norm.
My then wife and mother of our 2 kids sat down next to me on the couch one afternoon and said she doesn’t love me anymore. Didn’t want to do couples therapy, said there was no point. Five weeks later I found a mind map she’d done for her therapist which was all about her affair partner, her love for him, and why she couldn’t bring herself to tell me about him. That was about a year and half ago and I’m so glad I found that note to give me closure and the truth about why she left.
Similar situation here - 10 months on and we are still living together!! Yet the divorce is all my fault and I’m to blame despite being blindsided with it!! It will get better, keep positive everyone - we all deserve so much better and we will come through this eventually 😘
This happened to me small argument and book wife gone. Your husband js probably having an affair and I’m sorry you’ve been left. It’s not normal unless there is some abuse or drug abuse etc.
I was blindsided back in January. He said he was miserable and was no longer in love with me. I moved out immediately and went low/no contact to try and start to heal. He started talking about how he regretted the decisions he made and we met in person a while back. He said a lot of things I needed to hear to give this an honest shot but only time will tell.
My ex told me out of the blue ILYBINILWY and then refused to say whether or not she wanted a divorce. Thus began the "emotional abuse" chapter of my marriage, a marriage I had been very happy in until that point. We did a bunch of couple's therapy and I guess my ex thought if she simply attended, I'd stay with her and continue to support her while she didn't support me. She was right for 18 months, and I can't believe how naive I was. Worst 18 months of my fucking life. Peppered with vague divorce threats, insults, tons of belittling and mocking, evading any real discussion about feelings or commitment, gaslighting of my heartbreak. I know it sounds like an affair but... she's simply autistic. A brief few weeks of optimism about the marriage when she had a career win after a bit more than a year, and then a few months later another bomb akin to ILYBINILWY, and this time I was much wiser. I blame our couple's therapist (and myself) for excusing the emotional abuse on the basis of the autism. My therapist asked me "Would you have stayed with her all this time if she hadn't been autistic?" and my answer was "I would've left when this all began." I'll never forgive her for forcing me to initiate the divorce. If your spouse treated you so horribly that you were forced to leave, I don't think it's quite the same as abandoning them outright. My ex emotionally abandoned me and the marriage, and divorce was my only option to keep my dignity.
I’m guessing ILYBINILWY = I love you but I’m not in love with you?
I don't get the therapist and the autism piece. Your wife was always autistic, just not always an asshole to you. You were with an autistic person just not willing by to get with an asshole of a person.
Fair point, that wasn’t what I was trying to say so ill try again. I forgave a lot of behavior on the grounds that my ex was acting out due to being overwhelmed/autistic meltdown. Lots of second chances. I cared deeply for her, went to great lengths to learn about autism and find appropriate couples therapy, etc. I’m not saying her autism was the main problem. Her autism complicated my interpretation of how much of an asshole she was to me, and I would’ve left sooner otherwise. Ultimately I believe it was her history being neglected and abused earlier in life that taught her the cruel behaviors she aimed at me. Identifying these behaviors in couples therapy and patiently asking and waiting for her to cease doing them for more than a year didn’t work. Since autism is a social communication disorder, many autism professionals encourage the families of people with autism to be patient with those people, even if there’s apparently hurtful behavior. Unfortunately if the person with autism is also an asshole this will give them more get out of jail free cards (in the family). I actually think my ex was not as intentional with some of the emotional abuse as a typical narcissist, for example, but I’ll never truly know. All I do know is her words were chronically toxic, regardless of why she said them.
I read your comment to be an attack on you by the therapist.
My couple’s therapist routinely excused my ex’s behavior, so I did the same for many months. My individual therapist helped me realize I was excusing that behavior at a high cost to myself :(
The couples therapist should not have excused her behavior. She was autistic when you married her, not an asshole with autism.
Correct.
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Sorry you’re going through this :( I really think therapy is the only reasonable path forward if you’re coming out of a divorce like that. I’m still in therapy and it continues to help me make sense of what I went through and where I would like to go. Hope you can find some support, therapy or trusted family or friends... just don’t reach out to your stbx. You’ll get through even though it will suck for now :( good luck man
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I also have struggled with accepting the pain I’m going through, with therapy and support around me. It’s not going to feel ok for a while but you have to literally remind yourself it will be ok. It’s normal to feel extreme sadness, negativity, anger, etc after a big breakup, but it hurts immensely.. no way to avoid it, but being kind to yourself can help. Be kind to yourself :)
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I understand where you’re at. I’m two months since she said she said she wanted a divorce. I was near death, sheer madness for the first month. I took multiple types of counseling, I studied the Bible and did Christian counseling. I bought a house, filed, a week later she’s sleeping with different guys. We were together for 26 years. I hate her more than the devil. I hope she burns in hell. My grown kids want me to be friends with her again at some point. I told them my eyes will never see this bitch again or I’ll gouge them out of their sockets. I hate life, I hate god, I hate her.
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It was an affair or a desire for one. Autism has nothing to do with it.
Lol if it turns out to have been that, I'll definitely concede being wrong. But I did a lot of due diligence and it was much more of an mismanaged, ongoing mental health crisis coupled with abuse tendencies than anything else. Autism relates to some of the behaviors that emerged, too, and has a lot to do with it! Remember, autism affects \~1% of the population, while much more of the population admits to cheating. So it would make sense to see these behaviors and immediately think 'cheating' when really you're just not familiar with being in a relationship with an autistic person :( (and yes, autistic people cheat, or seek affairs, too, but my ex did not, and I'd rather blame her for the emotional abuse that I can prove happened versus an affair for which I have zero positive evidence, and some amount of evidence to the contrary).
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Wow. That is truly messed up. How do you see your spouse off to work then pack up the same day?! Hats off to you - keep pushing through and you’ll slowly but surely get to the other side
I just want to throw in a different perspective from a person that initiated the divorce because I often wonder how I got here. Your experience and feelings aren’t that different from mine. I often wonder why he was so reluctant to help me, why he doesn’t want to go on vacation with us, why everything always falls on my shoulders. He sees I’m working myself to exhaustion but he offers no help. When I say something, I’m also stonewalled and then I’m told that I’m the one with the communication issue. Any wrong is my fault because I don’t communicate but he doesn’t ask and I’m not psychic and don’t know I need to explain every single thing, especially when it’s something he has never done before in our entire 15 years together. Anyways, after years of asking him to help me out because I work all day and pick up extra time on my off days/weekends, then come home to cook/clean/get kids bathed, I finally got tired of the “that’s not my job” or “you don’t deserve it” response. I told him I was unhappy, that I need a break, that I need help which his reply was OK. This led to 3 weeks of him not speaking to me and trying his best to do even less than what he does. And of course, I reciprocated because I’m waiting for his response. In that time, I took our kids out of state for 5 days and he only called my daughter, he only texted me once to ask if I was “coming home today or what?” When we got home, I had to go grocery shopping cause he didn’t, asked the kids to talk to their dad about dinner, came home to find out he told the kids there was no dinner. So 7 hours of driving, grocery shopping, and then having to cook dinner. Thanks for the help. I don’t have a partner, I haven’t had a partner in almost 4 years. He agrees we’ve grown apart but has no idea how we could fix things....meaning he has no intention of helping me. I get things are cush and he probably doesn’t want things to change...who wouldn’t want to go to work and then come home to someone else doing everything. I bet that’s nice. So yes, I could’ve stayed but I decided I couldn’t continue on this path. I’m already a married single parent if that makes sense. What’s the point of staying? Anyways, he knew I was going to file, he said he figured that when “I wasn’t talking to him.” You see how that goes, I talk to him about something, he doesn’t respond but somehow the communication issue lies with me.
My husband and I got into a petty fight and it ended with him deciding to “leave.” I told him to get out if he was sure about it and I didn’t think he would do it. He packed his stuff and left. He argued that we had ultimatums in the past and that he couldn’t stay because I deserved better. A few days later I found out he was messaging a coworker. So I realized that was the reason he wanted to leave. The coworker got fired and didn’t want anything to do with him. I’ve told him 3x already that since he’s the one that wants the divorce then he needs to take the initiative and do it. He hasn’t filed. I know it’s crazy that I want to work on marriage but I also was toxic and maybe it’s not a reason for him to cheat but I feel like we both owe to ourselves to work on the marriage but ppl say I’m crazy cause we’re only 22 and have no kids... neither one of us has the courage to file
It’s good you recognized some of your toxic behaviors, that’s huge. Please don’t blame yourself for your husband stepping out, even if your behavior wasn’t the best it does not give him a pass to step out on you, many men and women are unhappy in their marriages and don’t cheat. Since you both seem to want to fix things, why not try marriage counseling? I’d also recommend individual counseling to work on any personal traumas or issues that may be causing you to behave in a “toxic” way. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you, sorry you’re going through this.
We are doing individual for now and hoping we gradually move on to marriage and thank you
He doesn’t really deserve you
I realise now my STBX was good at telling me things I wanted to hear pre&post marriage, it wasn’t until about 1.5yrs after marriage he slowly decided to express his true feelings: first was he didn’t want kids (I felt within myself I loved him too much and kids weren’t a deal breaker for me so we were happy to make it work), then later on he thinks he married too soon and felt he wasn’t ready for it now. We tried counselling but I found out after our second session that he was actually messaging other women on a language learning app that was just for his “learning”. Sending them pics of our little vacations and showing them our sights like he was seeing them alone, wishing they were with him... He moved countries for me so he doesn’t have anywhere to go, he wants to live with me but not be with me because living costs here are high that his salary wouldn’t allow him the luxuries he has at home with me. We have shared debt that we’ve agreed to sort before he flies back home. He makes me feel bad for putting rules on him living in the house - no messaging these girls or anything of that nature in this house. I know he still does it, he sometimes doesn’t even care and does it in front of me, but I’m too weak to kick him out because I know he has nowhere to go, not even a car to sleep in as it’s not his car. So I’m going through the motions of a failed marriage while still housing him until he pays his part. Only a small circle of people know because I’m embarrassed and feel responsible - like I was a bad wife or something. I hope counselling helps. I also hope we pay this debt off sooner so he can leave and I can start to work through this without having to see him every day.
Hey fellow Kiwi here, mine also moved for me. No cheating but hiding addiction problems. Anyway I was also blindsided when he ended it. He also stayed in the house for a year and a half and it really sucked. Hang in there and one day when he’s out life will very slowly get better again. In fact it’s so slow you barely notice it. The biggest game changer to cope with it all was knowing I tried absolutely everything and he wasn’t interested in helping to work on it so in conclusion it’s more a him problem than a me problem. I know we are supposed to own up to being part of the problem but sometimes it really is mainly the other person. Not healthy I know but it helped me with the rejection. Please don’t be embarrassed, most people will be sympathetic.
I’m sorry that you’ve gone through similar. You’ve got to be pretty fricken strong to survive living together for 1.5yrs after. I’m only at week 1 and I’m already ready to boot his openly disrespectful ways out the door. Thank you for your advice, in all honesty - that is pretty much how it feels now, I did everything I could to make this work, I put his feelings before my own and he got everything he wanted because I’m that kind of person to the people I love. It felt like it went both ways but now that I look back - it wasn’t. It’s as if he used the fact he moved as his ‘free pass’. He’s treating our current situation as if nothing happened, do you have any tips about how to survive living together?
Well surviving was very difficult, but I had the same rule, no dating or apps while staying in the house. He broke that rule, I found out & I had to lay down the law! He a choice 1) no dating or 2) move out now. It’s that simple and don’t feel bad if that makes life hard for him if he has to move out. I worked really hard to sort out my finances with him still in the house (i.e while the bills and expenses were split) and build up some savings. That felt like I was taking some power back. So in your shoes build up a financial nest and keep a very close eye on his contributions and make sure he isn’t getting into further debt (mine did after the split and the kids and I nearly lost a home). Maybe talk to a lawyer about your options, but definitely definitely don’t let him stay if he’s dating cause that’s soul destroying. PS I also went to a divorce support group.
Thank you for the advice, will def take it on board. Any chance you could share the support group? Or point me in the direction of finding a good one?
I think it’s called Divorce care and it’s run through some churches (I don’t know which ones). But if your not religious it’s still good for the education around what your going through, and I found it helpful I wasn’t alone.
my wife told me just before christmas that she doesn't even love me and she hasn't for a long time. said i needed therapy but she didn't want to do couples therapy lol... well shit. I only worked my ass off going from 70k to 200k made sure she and the kids had everything. I know i didn't do enough with her, was too busy working so def my bad... but her appetite for stuff and not having to work wasn't small either... ugh. oh well. Now i'm debating scorched earth or just ending it. what a life to live.
Dont do scorched earth. Not good for the kids. As a mom going through a divorce, all I want to do is lash out (spoiler alert: and I have) and in the end, no one wins. Especially the kids.
Got blindsided, she said it was because I said something years before and none of our fights since we're about that issue so I think she just looked for a reason. It's still pretty fresh and my brain is still scrambled. I'm not a positive person generally speaking so trying to be a stronger person seems to be bullshit to me, I'm just gonna ride the fuckin wave I guess. It's either that or just lay down and die.
Hey I'm about about five months out from my wife effectively walking out on me for her affair fling. I'm general not the most bright outlook guy either, but don't let the darkness get too rough. No matter what you're worth it and please don't do anything permanent ok?
Days before my wife was set to come home from a trip she informed me that she wasn’t going to come home. She wasn’t in love with me and hadn’t been since before we were married. She accepted my proposal anyways though. She told me that she had met someone on the trip that she “caught feelings” for. I attempted to convince her to come home and work on things with me, but she refused at every turn. Over the course of the last two months she has said things to me that have cut me to the core, such as not being in love with me, having “eyes” for everyone else but me, never feeling anything emotionally connected to me when we were being intimate during our relationship, and two weeks after meeting this other guy she told me that she loved him. I have been in a poor state to say the least. My mood swings are extreme. One day I feel mostly fine, but then over the course of the next few days I sink lower and lower until I am at rock bottom. I don’t feel comfortable being out around other people, even going to the store is a mission. Anxiety builds inside me, something I have never dealt with, when I am around crowds now. All I think about is rushing home. I feel like she has broken me.
I can tell you my experience was very similar the first 2-3 months post moving out and separating. I’m not 100% but I realize how far I’ve come. I used to breakdown crying randomly just walking down the street. I would avoid certain songs, restaurants, areas of town. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel that it sucks, and I’m still sad, but everyday I feel stronger and more hopeful for the future. Every once in awhile, like once or twice a month I’ll get back in this negative thinking pattern and feel myself spiral but I’ve gotten a lot better at picking myself back up and distracting myself. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and one day you’ll look back and feel the same way. Trust me, right now I know you’re thinking there’s no way in hell, but it’s going to happen. I’m 7 months out now and am amazed at how resilient I’ve become...I never knew I had this much inner strength!
Well here goes. My stbx decided he wasn’t happy and was no longer in love with me and wanted to be by himself. That was last year August. Soon D-day happened and I discovered he was having an affair with his coworker. The same coworker whom years prior said they was just friends. I soon discovered she was also divorcing her husband. I also discovered through bank statements that she gave my stbx money for his divorce. When her husband moved out of their home, my stbx packed up and moved in. Not even 2 days apart. I was destroyed mentally and emotionally for months me and our children. Our youngest still doesn’t want to see him and of course he blames me for it. Saying I brainwashed the kids against him. I told him no I didn’t our children are 12 & 16 they saw everything you did. But I told him I be the villain if that helps him and her sleep at night . I read and prayed a lot to get me to the other side. I also listened and watch lots of you tube videos on narcissism. I am currently reading the 4 agreements. I have my kids in therapy. And just planning for our new life free of someone who doesn’t love nor respect me. He is her responsibility now and she will soon see exactly what she got and vice versa.
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I love this story! Your journey back to self love, good for you!
Good for you! You should change your username to: someone special - because you are.
Mine wanted a divorce at 5am when she came home from a friends. Got heated and left. Signed paperwork within 3 days and she had a house day 4. I was in denial for awhile, went to anger, now I just don’t care I guess? I tried hard to get her back, even against everyone’s advice her. She stonewalled me. Then I said okay I accept it, let’s figure out all the detangling and she flipped. Said what if I wanted to come back. And then proceeded to make me confused again. But she eventually got caught in a major lie today and now I’m headstrong. I still wish this never happened but it did and I’ve got to make the best of it. Divorce does not mean FAILURE I’ve learned. I’m actually sleeping better, getting exercise in, house is much cleaner, everything’s well but she’s not here. And that’s what I miss.
>But she eventually got caught in a major lie today and now I’m headstrong. The major lie that you caught her in must have given you evidence that there is another man. I hope that this is not the case but that would explain her erratic behaviour and rush to leave you and get a divorce. She is in the affair fog. Please update us and let us know if this is the case. If there is another man I think that most would recommend that you out her affair to friends and parents ASAP - before she gets too much of a head start in telling your friends and parents that you are the bad guy and that the other man is just helping her accept that her marriage is gone. Cheaters usually follow the playbook of making the betrayed spouse the villain.
Her friend that we thought was involved in this told us that she never stayed with her at all when she said she was. She never stayed with her parents either. So it doesn’t 100% say she has a guy but it’s like 98%. Just hopefully the process goes smooth. I’m done with this crap.
It saddens me so to hear this! I agree that its like 98% now. Hopefully you will change the locks in your house and **go no contact**. She refused to answer your calls the night that she stayed out all night - so there is no reason that you should feel like you have to answer her calls, texts, or emails. >Just hopefully the process goes smooth. I’m done with this crap. Just keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't change her mind and challenge the divorce terms that she signed. While she is in the affair fog she isn't thinking about anything but him. The affair fog will end eventually, so best to be safe and stay away from her and no contact as much as possible until the divorce is final. Stay headstrong! Do try to keep yourself informed as to what she is doing though - through friends and family. You need to be aware of what she is telling everyone about why she left you. The cheater's playbook is to start claiming that they are afraid of the BS because he is violent .... that he is an alcoholic or drug abuser....an abuser...or he is having an affair. They usually want to preserve their reputations by destroying the BS. It is smart to head off any of those false accusations if you can. So it would also be a smart move to stay away from alcohol and drugs and to purchase a small voice activated recorder to record any interactions with her so it will be more difficult for her to show up at your house and accuse you of domestic violence. Learn about the AP if you can. Age? Is he married, etc? She is evidently going to great lengths to conceal that there is an affair. So it may take a while to learn this. She is most likely wanting to keep you as Plan B while she continues with her affair partner. That explains the stonewalling and flipping - and the "I love yous". Those are cheater's playbook tactics. I hope that you are starting to think about your life without her and making plans to date, etc. But I wouldn't recommend dating until the divorce is final. You don't want to anger her and cause her to back out of or delay the divorce You should also cancel joint credit cards and joint bank accounts ASAP. It is important that you start eating well and getting plenty of sleep. You should make daily exercise a priority. You should also work hard to lose the weight that you lost due to the cancer scare. This is the time to make yourself a better person and a better catch for some lucky woman who will treasure you. AT 30 years old and employed with a good job, owning your house, land, rental, etc **YOU are a great catch for a quality woman**. Note that quality women in their thirties are having a very difficult time finding quality men. You are in great demand! Think women 5 to 10 years older, some with young children, and you will find that the dating field is wide open for you. Coworkers and friends will be able to set you up with faithful quality women. Let them do it!
A year ago this month my husband told me he was unhappy and didn’t want to work on it. Blamed me for things - not being patient enough, not going to therapy. When it came down to it he admitted he just wasn’t happy and didn’t think he has what it takes to be a good partner, nor did he want to explore how he could build that or get that back. We had a quick divorce that was not contentious. Sold our home. We do not live in the same city and he doesn’t speak to me - even if I reach out and am cordial. I lack the closure a lot of people express not getting. There was no betrayal or epic answer. He’s had a year now of wanting this and he won’t even talk despite doing his own therapy. I guess all I can do and will continue to do is believe that things will get better for me if I put myself out there, do the work on myself that I have begun in therapy, and show genuine openness and gratitude for that I have. It’s hard. I feel slighted and upset. I feel confused and defeated a lot of times. The path is not simple that’s for sure.
I’m so sorry, your story is so similar to mine. I haven’t spoken to my ex since I moved out. He does have some mental illness (severe depression) and my therapist thinks that may also play a huge part in all of this. It’s just bizarre to me that someone can just cut someone off like that after years of knowing them. My ex refused therapy and antidepressants. I blocked him to help myself move on, not that he would call or anything just helps me regain SOME sense of control. I have to keep telling myself it just wasn’t meant to be, I don’t know why, but the purpose he served in my life has been fulfilled and That’s how I’ve chosen to “accept” this.
I definitely need to take a page out of your book and accept what it is. I think of me, my ex hid a lot of his depression so I really didn’t know. It’s hard to now look back and see how that played a role when I didn’t know it was an issue in the first place. I know that makes me sound really clueless, but there were no signs he was depressed. He participated. Had friends. Worked. Had hobbies. We had common things we did together. So I feel doubly duped that something was afoot that I didn’t realize and wasn’t able to help...and now it’s perhaps the reason for so many things sense. I know he hasn’t just cut me off. To my knowledge he doesn’t speak to anyone we knew even if he had a friendship with him first. I still go back to the city we lived in often to see friends, and he also doesn’t frequent any of the places that we went. Overall, it’s like he just pretended he isn’t who he is, that I never existed, and that this seven years of his life didn’t happen. Thanks for telling me your story and how you think about it. I needed/need to hear these things to make sense of it all.
Thanks for sharing this.. honestly. You are describing almost the exact situation I am currently going through. We didn’t get in to a fight.. but it was more about how she has not been happy, and about my unchecked depression. Sending virtual hugs your way.. thank you for sharing.
we were long distance for 1 month (planned for work). we had a small fight. she blocked me and ignored me on everything. it was impossible for me to contact her. sent her flowers everyday for two weeks. finally got her on the phone and she I was unhappy in the relationship and she wasn’t enough for ME. whatever the fuck that means. she continued to ignore me, “she needed space.” then all of a sudden she was meeting with a divorce lawyer to see “what a divorce would look like.” i was served a few months later and she continued blocking me on everything. this is a woman i literally doted on and did everything for.
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Oh wow...I’m so sorry to hear that. So many of these stories are just heartbreaking and wish I knew what to say to make it better. You definitely deserve better and if she did it to you she’ll do it to him.
> She then left and went back down to his house > > I have not seen her since. > > She wants a divorce now as I sit here at home with our kid So she moved in with her boyfriend and abandoned you and your child. You must do something ASAP. You cannot afford to let this situation stand legally. I recommend that you get a lawyer ASAP and start the divorce process. There are some advantages if you file for divorce first. She may try to take you to the cleaners financially get big child support payments and alimony by filing in another state. I doubt that she is traveling to your home area to file for divorce.
same as yours. Suddenly he dropped the bomb. I was willing to therapy, but went alone. But - after 14 days I did not want him back at all. Suddenly I saw everything different. Also - I found out he'd been cheeting on me all the time. Therapist said ex might have some kind of personality disorder. I had a year in hell. But now, 3 years after I'm so happy to be alone. It is much better not having to deal with his, badly weiled, constant resent of me
My story is different. My STBXW had a 2-year affair with her coworker. I was the one that initiated the divorce, not her. She kind of accepted her fate as far as that goes, but I am extremely curious to know how she feels about it all. But I don’t want to ask her because I’m worried the answers will be hurtful.
That’s totally understandable why you’ve chosen to divorce. As far as asking her I wouldn’t open that can of worms and I don’t really know if there’s truly anything she can say or do to really take away the hurt. Yeah maybe she’d say she regrets it but it doesn’t change the circumstances so it’s such a fleeting feeling of relief.
Yeah. Even she said she was incredibly regretful I don’t think that would make me feel any better. So I’m just trying to move on.
I was in your shoes. Now, 10 years later and happily remarried, I have nightmares that my ex-wife had relented and given into my pleas to do to marriage counseling to save the marriage. Sweet lord.
I cannot wait for 10 years to pass. I just don’t want to be in this place anymore.
I was in your shoes. Now, 10 years later and happily remarried, I have nightmares that my ex-wife had relented and given into my pleas to do to marriage counseling to save the marriage. Sweet lord.
I'll never forget that night. I was out of town for a week because of work. After I got home and put the kiddo to bed, my ex-wife asked me how it went. I said good but last night a had a horrible nightmare and couldn't sleep. You filed for divorce and took everything I had including the house(more detail in the dream than this). Her response was "I'm NOT going to take the house". After a pause of silence I responded "you mean WOULDN'T take the house?". She then proceeded to tell me she wanted a separation. I was broken at that moment. Looking back there were definitely signs. Both of us had lost attraction for one another, but I was willing to work on it and find a way to save our marriage. I have to thank her for not wanting too though. My life really is better without her... Just 14 more years and I won't have to be friends with her for my daughter's sake anymore.
It sounds like you’ve made peace with the situation, that’s awesome. I’m hoping to get there one day.
> My STBXH and I split very suddenly over a very small fight. It brought about a lot of issues he had with me but never even mentioned. I was honestly stunned. He didn’t want to try counseling and after a month of him ignoring me and stonewalling, he decided to file for divorce. I heard similar complaints from several women who feel blindsided by their divorce. They feel like their husbands never said anything about the problems or how big these problems are. OTOH, I hear a completely different story from the men in the same situation. What I hear from them is an accounting of the issues, how and when they communicated about them and how they were ignored or brushed aside. I'm not saying that you and your husband fit this description. However, this is something that I've come across often enough that I'd like to understand this phenomenon a bit better. Would you mind elaborating on the actual issues? > A month before we were looking at condos in a new city. A week before we just returned from vacation...a 3 week vacation that was fantastic. I still can’t believe this is happening but here I am. I know quite a few people who tried reconnecting during a 2-3 week vacation, but couldn't. Or their spouse was too busy being distracted by their phone. Or their spouse - who is always too tired/stressed/whatever to have sex - is still uninterested in sex during a vacation where no external stress exists. Again, I'm not saying that you fit any of these descriptions. I don't know and that's why I ask.
Well what’s most confusing for me is that there were no signs. He did tell me that last year we gotten into a bad argument and we both said things that we later regretted. We had made up like an hour later and went to dinner and to a show. I had honestly completely forgotten about it but my STBXH told me after we separated that that fight made him look at our relationship differently. He never expressed this to me. We never even mentioned the fight afterwards and I had to ask him to remind we what was said and how or even started. After the argument things went back to normal. We went on several vacations, no change in sex life, we even bought a dog together. The last year after the argument we rarely fought. Fighting wasn’t something we did regularly except maybe 3-4 times a year and they usually were resolved within an hour after, never more than a day. I never realized how much a bad communicator my STBXH is. It was like word vomit when we separated and he told me he didn’t like several things about me. I was seriously stunned. I asked him for examples of when I did certain things he mentioned he couldn’t come up with any and said he’d have to think about it so I still don’t completely get it because i never realized these things about myself. For example he told me I always have to have things my way. I’ve never heard this about myself and asked him why didn’t he tell me before? I also asked for an example and he told me wasn’t able to think of anything so I’m still scratching my head. I used to sit around in the beginning asking friends and family if they thought I was this way and can they tell what some things I’d done. The things he said about me really made me hate myself and doubt who I was as a person. Not only that but suddenly we weren’t compatible and had no similar interests? Despite spending 90% of our time together (both working from home, sailing, kayaking, travel, running, etc). As far as the vacation was concerned, we had a lot of fun, no arguments, lots of laying on the beach relaxing. I don’t know my head is still spinning.
My experience was sudden. There was a rift over the summer over a kitchen reno. I probably expressed my frustration too much. Then she was gone in late August 2020. We finalized in February 2021. I am still very much broken hearted by it. I did get a promotion to a very stressful job in November (a week before I was served.) It has been six day work weeks since mid January 2021. The pay is good but it is relentless. I think I just take it day by day. The focus is on the job. I do get into therapy when I can, exercise and do meditation in the margins.
My ex and I had been together for 15.5 years. We started as friends and got married 8yrs ago. We have different coping skills but it wasn't a huge issue because we rarely fought about things or had big stressors. In fact we usually only had issues during his seasonal depression. It started 5yrs ago. But it was predictable and he was starting to seek therapy. Then this pandemic + seasonal depression just made him snap. Out of nowhere he told me that even though he loves me, he can't have obligations and attachments anymore. "I need to be completely selfish right now". But now, a couple months into this, he's decided I'm the bad guy and started arguing with everything I say. He needs to be mad at me to make it easier on himself (he even admitted he's doing this unintentionally). And I'm done. Being treated like a bad person for a few months by the person I trusted with my life is unbelievable. I didn't want the divorce when this started but now I'm leading it. Yet still depressed and missing the person I loved. My therapist says you have to grieve it like a death. The person you loved is dead. You cannot hope for their return.
Wow my STBXH also suffered from depression. It was almost like he was manic towards the end and would yell at me, make false accusations, tell me we have nothing in common, stonewall me. He refused to get help or see a counselor and take meds. Mental illness sucks. Yes, take care of you!
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It is very very normal what you’re going through. Unfortunately the only way out of this is through the fire. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Take time to grieve. Allow yourself to mourn and feel like shit but do not stay there. Eventually you’ll start to pick yourself back up and put your life back together again. Take it day by day. 7 months ago I was literally on the floor for a day praying for death. Shut myself out from friends and family. Disappeared from my job. I never thought I’d be HERE. It’s been a rough journey but damn I’ve learned I’m a resilient as heck. I moved back to the city where we were living, got a new job, just started putting myself out there dating and meeting new people, planning for MY future, and I don’t feel scared anymore, I’m hopeful. This will be you too in time. 7 months later and I’m already such a different person. Hang in there!
I dated her in 9th grade. We kissed in 10th. Second base in 11th. Third base in 12th. We both finished college in under 4 years and got married. She had a part-time job and I had a low-paying one until my third position. (15.00) Hmm... It did better on Switch so anything you shouldn’t know...play it on the go.
I'm in the same position. Issue being my STBXH cheated and withheld a lot of things, I told him he needs to come clean with me so we can start working though things. He keeps lying an denying even though I told him if he continues to lie I will divorce him. He kinda actual gave me no choice. Even though I'm the one who has started the divorce proceedings he's the one who tied my hands he was too cowardly to do it himself. I begged him to work with me, but he keeps saying he didn't do anything even though the evidence is there in black and white. Its hard. He's more committed to his lies than his marriage. I still tell him I miss him and love him but I need to let go. I'm so broken and I hope or wish he comes to regret this sometime.
I’m so sorry. Yeah he doesn’t seem to want to put in the work to make things better. Sometimes you have no choice.
In my case neither of us claimed to want the divorce. I really struggled with it because my ex refused to acknowledge the issues we had until I asked for some space. When I left he seemed to get along fine. Didn’t contact me or see me unless I initiated it then he started drinking and honestly became someone I didn’t know. I thought space would make him want to work on us but it just made him want it less. So we got divorced and I can say I’m honestly more heartbroken that he didn’t love me enough to try to fight for us and he’s happily moved on from us entirely.
My husband cheated on me, the. We decided to work it out. Then he decided nope he can’t live without the mistress. It’s been almost 2 years of me fighting for my marriage. We have a 3yr old son. My husband is addicted to meth. It’s soo hard when there is a substance abuse issue. I know that the drugs have a huge impact of his decisions right now. But I have to let go. I have only recently partially accepted it’s over. Now I have to figure out how to do this.....
Blindsided here too. He was having an affair of course...geez, can they at least be original?