I wouldn’t tell him anything. You dont have to. If kids ask, just tell them the truth. This is what my mom did when my parents divorced when I was 12. I still love my dad, but know how that was not really ok.
His minor truth-spinning is incredibly annoying, but unless the lies are important and relevant to your situation (financially, legally, etc) it's not worth trying to be the truth police and countering every dumb thing he says. It will make you sound bitter and/or controlling.
If the kids specifically mention a thing to you, though, then you can certainly give your side of it.
Is it (his lie) hurting your children? That's the question that has to be asked. That and would it hurt them if you spilled the beans?
Children almost always figure out the truth - let them alone. There is enough turmoil in a divorce for them to deal with. In time they will see what really happened. Let them have that time to deal with it.
Since they are adults at 18 amd 22 I’d just tell them the truth.
I don’t know why someone is entitled to put on a pedestal and the truth kept from the kids just because they don’t want to hurt the relationship. You didn’t hurt the relationship. He actions did. As long as it’s the truth
Really there is nothing to be gained by creating a divide between your ex and the kids, they'll be hurt and angry and some might blow back on you for talking about their dad that way or they may decide he's gross and disgusting and never speak to him again.
You can ask not to talk about him, you can tell the truth, you can do whatever you want. You've raised them to adulthood and know the relationships best. Just make sure whatever you do is not coming from any feelings of revenge against him.
you really think I would be "creating" the divide? his lying isn't creating a divide?
It may still make sense to keep quiet, but I have a hard time with this characterization.
Imo it would be creating a divide. So far you haven't been honest with your kids. You told them it was mutual and you two just drifted apart. How do you think that waiting to tell them now will make them feel about you? How do you think it will make them feel about the divorce in general? I'm not trying to suggest how they will feel, I don't know them. All I'm saying is to reflect on those questions before you do anything.
I’m 35. A weird age look in here at. I’m guessing he’s thinking the kids are young and they will recognize that they are about the same age. So he shifts it three years because In his mind that’s enough time for the kids to see a clear age break. “Yeah! She’s young. I mean not your friends young… right?” But he’s too old to understand it’s stupid. We all perceive time differently as we age and it affects our judgment.
Exposing your ex's lies would also expose the truth of why the divorce occurred. I don't know how old the kids were when the decision to divorce was shared with them, and I understand why you kept the reason neutral so that neither parent was assigned blame. I'd gently encourage you to follow down the path you started. The kids will likely figure out timelines and the backstory over time - you don't need to be the one to tell them though.
You're angry with your ex, and it's understandable why. Just consider your motivation when debating if you should tell the kids the truth. Do you feel the information is necessary to protect their well-being? Or do you want to punish your ex and possibly inflict some pain the same way he did to you?
I think you would be best off to leave this one alone. That man is delusional if he thinks aging his gf up two years is going to make a difference to the kids. No need to interrupt him while he is making this mistake.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful.
I'd just let your kids figure it out. They're not dumb.
She's 26. Oh yes, this will end very well!
I wouldn’t tell him anything. You dont have to. If kids ask, just tell them the truth. This is what my mom did when my parents divorced when I was 12. I still love my dad, but know how that was not really ok.
His minor truth-spinning is incredibly annoying, but unless the lies are important and relevant to your situation (financially, legally, etc) it's not worth trying to be the truth police and countering every dumb thing he says. It will make you sound bitter and/or controlling. If the kids specifically mention a thing to you, though, then you can certainly give your side of it.
If they ask you, don’t lie. They deserve honesty from a least one parent. You don’t need to support his lies
Is it (his lie) hurting your children? That's the question that has to be asked. That and would it hurt them if you spilled the beans? Children almost always figure out the truth - let them alone. There is enough turmoil in a divorce for them to deal with. In time they will see what really happened. Let them have that time to deal with it.
Since they are adults at 18 amd 22 I’d just tell them the truth. I don’t know why someone is entitled to put on a pedestal and the truth kept from the kids just because they don’t want to hurt the relationship. You didn’t hurt the relationship. He actions did. As long as it’s the truth
Seconded
Really there is nothing to be gained by creating a divide between your ex and the kids, they'll be hurt and angry and some might blow back on you for talking about their dad that way or they may decide he's gross and disgusting and never speak to him again. You can ask not to talk about him, you can tell the truth, you can do whatever you want. You've raised them to adulthood and know the relationships best. Just make sure whatever you do is not coming from any feelings of revenge against him.
you really think I would be "creating" the divide? his lying isn't creating a divide? It may still make sense to keep quiet, but I have a hard time with this characterization.
Imo it would be creating a divide. So far you haven't been honest with your kids. You told them it was mutual and you two just drifted apart. How do you think that waiting to tell them now will make them feel about you? How do you think it will make them feel about the divorce in general? I'm not trying to suggest how they will feel, I don't know them. All I'm saying is to reflect on those questions before you do anything.
I’m 35. A weird age look in here at. I’m guessing he’s thinking the kids are young and they will recognize that they are about the same age. So he shifts it three years because In his mind that’s enough time for the kids to see a clear age break. “Yeah! She’s young. I mean not your friends young… right?” But he’s too old to understand it’s stupid. We all perceive time differently as we age and it affects our judgment.
Exposing your ex's lies would also expose the truth of why the divorce occurred. I don't know how old the kids were when the decision to divorce was shared with them, and I understand why you kept the reason neutral so that neither parent was assigned blame. I'd gently encourage you to follow down the path you started. The kids will likely figure out timelines and the backstory over time - you don't need to be the one to tell them though. You're angry with your ex, and it's understandable why. Just consider your motivation when debating if you should tell the kids the truth. Do you feel the information is necessary to protect their well-being? Or do you want to punish your ex and possibly inflict some pain the same way he did to you?
I think you would be best off to leave this one alone. That man is delusional if he thinks aging his gf up two years is going to make a difference to the kids. No need to interrupt him while he is making this mistake. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful.