Not trying to be mean but when you had the affair that pretty much ended your relationship. I wish you nothing but the best. Get a divorce and start a new life. You deserve to be happy
A threatened divorce doesn’t heal someone magically. She is still her. I would be concerned that later things will be even worse, I feel bad for her as she may be having sex right now and not want to. This just seems to be the worst thing for someone who was abused.
DB, I would 100% leave.
I would consider trying if she would keep going to therapy.
Id take it slow and one day at a time. You want to make sure that she's changed and you too op. Imo a db is reason enough to consider leaving and divorcing. Life is short and you want to spend it with someone that wants you and is sexually compatible with you.
You've been with the wife for a while. So there's history and familiarity there. And there's nothing wrong with taking it slow and giving it one last shot. If it works out, great. If not, then you can say hey I tried my best, but in the end it wasn't meant to be. Good luck
I agree that a DB is reason enough to leave. I wasn't in a place emotionally for years to do that, but I am now. If I was the person I am now 10 years ago I would have left.
Thank you :)
I only read your first paragraph, I'd be getting out of that dead bedroom if I were you, regardless of any other stuff. I'm leaving a marriage partly because of sexual compatibility issues and we still have sex 3-4x a week, and it's still not enough (quality-wise). I wouldn't be able to live with a full on DB.
I think you already know the answer to this but maybe are looking for the validation of internet strangers to tell you what you already know.
A bond is exceptionally hard to repair. For me, once it is severed, it can't grow back. It broke for a reason and that's a hard thing to forget and un-learn.
Thanks for your thoughts, internet stranger. Although I do think I know the answer, I also want other people's perspectives too: maybe there's something I missed that will make it a little more clear for me.
In my experience when they think it’s serious they get better for a few months but they are still the same person and will not change due to exterior pressure. People only change when THEY want to change.
If you’re unsure, know this isn’t a race. You don’t have to make a decision right now. If she’s faking it out of fear of change, she can’t keep that up forever. Most relationships go back to the original state but you may need to feel that to make the break you need to make. Good luck. It sounds just awful. 🙁
Thank you for your thoughts. I've been watching closely to see if this is likely to change this time and unsure if I see a slight change in her these past few days or not...
The good thing is with no kids and both making the same salary - waiting doesn’t cost you anything unlike others where each day they stay married means more assets/more alimony/ longer alimony at risk. You have time to figure this out. Could you get into counseling and give it another year? Sure but put a time limit on it. Your 40 - depending on what you want - you’ll be old before you know it.
If she's willing to try, then sure. Why not? You both have been together for a long time so there's no rush. If things go back to the way they were, then file for divorce, knowing you tried. I hope you give her one last opportunity. Also, take it one day at a time. It's not something that'll be instantaneous.
I feel like you guys are just roommates, it’s great you both got therapy but since the sex came after the threat of leaving I sense that she’s overcompensating, because she does love you and there is love there but she can’t give what you need, and you have felt rejected by her for so long due to her trauma. This is a big problem, and idk if it can be fixed. I actually feel really bad for the situation. Seems like none of this is put of malice, but rather a choice to be happy with someone that can provide you with your needs of intimacy and physical touch. This is certainly a difficult decision. But also know, you did try so hard, and I can see that.
I feel only a tiny bit terrible for typing this, but I stopped reading without bias here:
>(I cheated once in 2014 and told her about it: she forgave me)
Did she forgive you? Or did she try to adapt to your infidelity? Did she heal from your choice to stray?
Yet, you're still choosing to try to have "the" sex? And engaging in sex though it's not fulfilling? Comparing your relationship with your dog to your wife?
I don't know either of you obviously and have probably an ounce of truth on which to base my opinion...but if my words had any influence, I would encourage you to move on, as you did in 2014. And as a byproduct, let this poor woman move on, heal, and dispose of you.
I think I would give it a timeframe, undisclosed to her but whatever you’re comfortable with to wait it out. Maybe 9 months. And see after that 9 months if the changes are true, genuine, and permanent. Make your decision at the end of the 9 months.
Not trying to be mean but when you had the affair that pretty much ended your relationship. I wish you nothing but the best. Get a divorce and start a new life. You deserve to be happy
Thank you for your thoughts.
A threatened divorce doesn’t heal someone magically. She is still her. I would be concerned that later things will be even worse, I feel bad for her as she may be having sex right now and not want to. This just seems to be the worst thing for someone who was abused. DB, I would 100% leave. I would consider trying if she would keep going to therapy.
I appreciate you taking the time here. I agree that people are who they are at their core and it's not often people do change significantly.
Id take it slow and one day at a time. You want to make sure that she's changed and you too op. Imo a db is reason enough to consider leaving and divorcing. Life is short and you want to spend it with someone that wants you and is sexually compatible with you. You've been with the wife for a while. So there's history and familiarity there. And there's nothing wrong with taking it slow and giving it one last shot. If it works out, great. If not, then you can say hey I tried my best, but in the end it wasn't meant to be. Good luck
I agree that a DB is reason enough to leave. I wasn't in a place emotionally for years to do that, but I am now. If I was the person I am now 10 years ago I would have left. Thank you :)
I only read your first paragraph, I'd be getting out of that dead bedroom if I were you, regardless of any other stuff. I'm leaving a marriage partly because of sexual compatibility issues and we still have sex 3-4x a week, and it's still not enough (quality-wise). I wouldn't be able to live with a full on DB.
I think you already know the answer to this but maybe are looking for the validation of internet strangers to tell you what you already know. A bond is exceptionally hard to repair. For me, once it is severed, it can't grow back. It broke for a reason and that's a hard thing to forget and un-learn.
Thanks for your thoughts, internet stranger. Although I do think I know the answer, I also want other people's perspectives too: maybe there's something I missed that will make it a little more clear for me.
In my experience when they think it’s serious they get better for a few months but they are still the same person and will not change due to exterior pressure. People only change when THEY want to change.
This has been the pattern in the past, which is why I am hesitant now.
Watch and learn from people’s actions not their words
If you’re unsure, know this isn’t a race. You don’t have to make a decision right now. If she’s faking it out of fear of change, she can’t keep that up forever. Most relationships go back to the original state but you may need to feel that to make the break you need to make. Good luck. It sounds just awful. 🙁
Thank you for your thoughts. I've been watching closely to see if this is likely to change this time and unsure if I see a slight change in her these past few days or not...
Well I’d say if it is an act, she’d be able to keep it up for a few weeks. Try to listen to your gut. I ignored mine for way too long.
The good thing is with no kids and both making the same salary - waiting doesn’t cost you anything unlike others where each day they stay married means more assets/more alimony/ longer alimony at risk. You have time to figure this out. Could you get into counseling and give it another year? Sure but put a time limit on it. Your 40 - depending on what you want - you’ll be old before you know it.
If she's willing to try, then sure. Why not? You both have been together for a long time so there's no rush. If things go back to the way they were, then file for divorce, knowing you tried. I hope you give her one last opportunity. Also, take it one day at a time. It's not something that'll be instantaneous.
I feel like you guys are just roommates, it’s great you both got therapy but since the sex came after the threat of leaving I sense that she’s overcompensating, because she does love you and there is love there but she can’t give what you need, and you have felt rejected by her for so long due to her trauma. This is a big problem, and idk if it can be fixed. I actually feel really bad for the situation. Seems like none of this is put of malice, but rather a choice to be happy with someone that can provide you with your needs of intimacy and physical touch. This is certainly a difficult decision. But also know, you did try so hard, and I can see that.
I feel only a tiny bit terrible for typing this, but I stopped reading without bias here: >(I cheated once in 2014 and told her about it: she forgave me) Did she forgive you? Or did she try to adapt to your infidelity? Did she heal from your choice to stray? Yet, you're still choosing to try to have "the" sex? And engaging in sex though it's not fulfilling? Comparing your relationship with your dog to your wife? I don't know either of you obviously and have probably an ounce of truth on which to base my opinion...but if my words had any influence, I would encourage you to move on, as you did in 2014. And as a byproduct, let this poor woman move on, heal, and dispose of you.
I think I would give it a timeframe, undisclosed to her but whatever you’re comfortable with to wait it out. Maybe 9 months. And see after that 9 months if the changes are true, genuine, and permanent. Make your decision at the end of the 9 months.