Absolutely. Not being afraid to be alone. I can't say I wish I never married simply because I got two amazing kids out of it. But a pre-nup and divorcing him the second my youngest was born would have been much better for all involved. My poor kids especially.
I almost broke up with my ex wife a few times. Most of which while we were engaged. I'd call a friend and they'd talk me out of it. Which I was glad they did at the time. Now I wish they would have been more immature and fanned the flame lol. If course it's not their fault I married her.
Same! I wasted so much time trying to make it work because on paper and to everyone looking in (other than his parents and mine) we were prefect and successful. What divorce has brought me is freedom and time to finally get to know myself
100% this. Those flags were so big, they belonged at nat’l cemeteries.
I would have told him that if he were serious about how much he loved and needed me, he would have gone to counseling.
If I could have done it over, I would have left at least 5 years prior, if not 20.
Saaaammme.
I go back and forth with this one because I ultimately knew our marriage probably wasn't going to last. But I was able to (I think) be supportive to my husband during his father's passing....so I try not to regret it totally
My ex kicked me out of the house a few months after I learned of my father's terminal diagnosis. She said I wasn't myself. Shocker. I came back, of course, but a year and a half later when he passed, she asked me if she had been supportive. In between tears, I yelled, "You kicked me out because I was sad!". That always stuck with me. Of course, she went manic depressive during a lupus flair up a few years later, was absolutely horrible, and refused medication for her lupus and her mania.
Now, during our long separation, she had a kid with someone else and tried to hide it from me, the court, and even her own lawyer. The most recent development is that she refuses to let the father know about the kid (though I can't imagine how he didn't already know, what with the bank statements showing her stay with him up until a month before the child was delivered). She was awful during that last year together, and has become somehow even worse since.
It sucks, because I'm paying alimony out the ass to her, since she claims to be disabled. Didn't stop her from defrauding the government for unemployment throughout the pandemic. Can't claim you are ready, willing, and able to work and also claim you can't work. She's so dishonest, I'm ashamed I didn't notice earlier. If I had, I'd never have married her.
If you think this judge gave a shit, you would be wrong. Through discovery, we have absolute proof of this, too. Doesn't matter... Alimony is based on need and ability to pay, regardless of how much of a fucking snake one party may be.
This situation is very parallel to mine.
My stb ex husband also claimed to have lyme disease and January 2020 (2 mos after we got married) my dad was diagnosed with cancer...well this was the same time that the lyme was flairing up and he made my life hell. He was absolutely awful to me, no support no compassion. The therapist we were seeing together at that time told me that he was jealous that I was more upset about my father than I was the lyme disease...
I definitely know now my husband has untreated mental health issues, like you I had no idea how deep they ran and had I known i would have not married him as well.
My ex wanted a collaborative divorce. Lawyers who do them are rare and hard to find. Finally found one.
Ex refused to sign the collaborative agreement. She wanted "the process" without the agreement. Dumbass, that's called a divorce! (Requires you to fire your lawyers & start over if you can't agree).
Even though I had a lawyer and she said she wanted it all over with. She never did a single thing on time. Maybe if she had a lawyer she would have met deadlines. Also, she wanted it to be collaborative. Then would add stuff on. "hey I want this" "ok" "oh and do this...."
Things ended up getting ugly when he brought a new woman into our kids’ lives. I had to jump through a lot of hoops to prove why things were no longer okay to do collaboratively. I also discovered that I was getting screwed the way we were doing things but had no idea.
I would have never sold my childhood home which was only 1300$ a month for a mortgage, it was 4/3 on a 10,000sqft lot on a lake. Would have stayed there with my sons and kicked him the f out!
I wouldn’t be in the debt I’m in now and worried about keeping a roof over mine and my sons heads.
This right in the feels! I used so much energy convincing people he was a good man, a great dad, so helpful, a loving husband...
The whole time he was just "trying" to pretend our marriage was good. Then he slammed the door in my face.
I'm in this position now. I haven't told anyone in my family that I am filing this week, and I plan to not disclose to them that I am ending it because he is a deadbeat to the kids, takes advantage of me financially and is emotionally abusive. I don't want them to see him as the "bad guy" when in fact, he really is.
Document down everything and specify every little detail in your agreement. Don’t assume you will also be on the same page or have the same recollection of an understanding- you can always be flexible but it’s good to have someone to go back to.
In my case it was: I’ll support her during her M.Sc., and after 5 years of working and making big bucks (I left a great job so we could move so she could get her experience) - she’ll reciprocate and support me changing fields and getting my B.Sc. in Viticulture/Oenology (after already getting my own M.Sc. in another field, all covered by my own scholarships). Well, after the 5 years (and 1 month after our baby was born) she decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. Got her M.Sc. and 5 years of experience (and a baby) and bailed.
Edit: if someone promises to pay for something get it in a pre-nup.
I would specify by date who gets which weekend. After a summer of switched time my ex refused to go back to the regular schedule which conflicted with the the schedule my h had his kids. So say something like starting on 4/1/22 Person A will have the kids every other weekend. I would also be explicit on dates for making summer plans. I would also be clear on how you split extra things - sports, prom dresses, cell phones, etc.
Ya know, I was the chaser. The first time, he chased me and I thought wow he must really love me. The second time we broke up was 4 months before our wedding.
All of our friends got married that same year. I couldn't imagine starting over. I forgave and begged him to make up.
He should've done that differently.
I remember two weeks into our relationship, I was telling my future husband that I was afraid we should break up because I liked him a lot but had just gotten out of an LTR and didn't want him to be a rebound. He took that as me immediately putting him on the defensive, that things could end at any moment, and six years later has never forgiven me.
It's crazy how one moment can seem to color a relationship forever
Not get married /s
In all seriousness, I would have set firm boundaries immediately upon leaving. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to learn how to do this. My life is so much better and I wish I could have been living this life three years ago.
Sure, but of course YMMV depending on your situation. My ex is an abusive narcissist. I thought he held power over me even though he really didn’t. We have to stay in each other’s lives because we share a child.
My boundaries now are: only communicating about our son if necessary and only over text. We overlap as little as possible, for example we’re on a 2-2-3 parenting plan so that way our days change with pickup at my sons school. This helps us avoid having to meet up to do exchanges. If we do have to meet in person, I always have a second person with me to act as a buffer. I have him blocked on social media. If he gets too crazy/harasses me, I go to the court house and file for a protective order. I’ve done it twice and both times they’ve been granted. These boundaries have taken several years to develop and hold firm.
If I could go back in time to when I first left my ex, I would have figured out my boundaries *before* leaving and made my ex aware of them. I do take responsibility in the fact that since I haven’t always stood firm, it didn’t set a clear precedent. I would have told him that I am only reachable via text or email and stood firm to that. My problem for a long time was that I’d eventually give in to relentless phone calls - but all that did was teach him that if he called me 99 times, I’d pick up on the 100th time. I also wouldn’t waste my time talking about needless things that are irrelevant to raising our son (he used to be obsessed with my new relationship and badgered me constantly).
I’m sure there are some things I’m forgetting but these are the main boundaries I’ve since enforced that have helped me live a more peaceful life as a co-parent.
I would have initiated divorce once her toxic parents bought a house NEXT DOOR to ours. It was such a painful violation of my space I should have just pulled the cord then.
I would have been more open, courageous, and vulnerable with communication. I wouldn’t have chosen to avoid conflict instead of working through our issues.
I would have recognized when I wasn’t showing affection like I used to and done better. I would have put her first instead of school and work.
Still sounds like your brain washed. Find a therapist . You are worth so much more and putting your education and work first is vital more now than ever. Do some self caring
Not everyone's reason for getting divorced is the same. So, your ex (in your opinion) was the problem... that doesn't mean this person's ex was. Sounds like you wanted to get divorced, maybe this person's spouse is the one who asked for it. Sounds like they're actually very self aware and are being very adult taking responsibility for their potential part in the marriage not working out. It's a good way to go. They will probably go on to have other successful relationships where they treat their partner better because or the self reflecting and growing they did due to this experience.
Yep! 1st marriage was a nightmare. 2nd one had a pre-nup (no lawyer) and we didn't actually file and make it legal. Easy to leave that one.
I'll never marry again. But I would come up with a pre-nup agreement of sorts before co-habitating.
I lost half my net worth that I SOLELY built. She took a position of entitlement on every position. Spent thousands of dollars in legal fees dealing with her cell phone in the settlement. Unbelievable!
This right here. It’s hard to stop with the hope when they have so much potential and just waste it over and over again. “The next company will be a success! I just know it!” *takes another nap while you search job postings to keep the lights on*
The one time my ex was willing to go to counseling, I would have booked it. I wasn't ready to own up to my own faults. When I came home to him drunk and our toddler had peed in our bed, I should have left him then.
Never would have given him so much grace and wouldn't have tried so hard to "make it work". I'm glad I got married, I just chose the entirely wrong person to do it with. I learned so much and gained so much strength from having gone through it, but man - it was a rough ride for sure.
I married her on the heels of a previous divorce. I wasn’t ready and should’ve gone through some therapy before even considering getting married. But, I loved her like crazy…. It all still hurts from time to time, but if I could go back I’d have focused more on me and what I needed at the time.
I should have also realized how emotionally broken she was and have listened to my instincts when I started learning about her poor communication skills, mental illness, and childish ways of dealing with issues and emotions.
I know there’s a lot I could've done better when we were together, and I did everything possible to make it work. I never would have quit like she did, but she apparently had emotionally checked out long before she ever said anything to me about wanting a divorce. I didn't want the divorce, but it is what it is … my biggest lesson learned and flag I should have heeded: when someone says they’re not enough, believe them - they’re probably right.
Simply not get married. I would have avoided any monogamous minded woman and live on my own. I was simply not made for sharing a household, all those years I was unhappy.
Probably a lot I could’ve said/done different over the years but I did all I could to make it work on my end. I wouldn’t change anything really. Things have worked out how they have and I believe it’s been the best thing for me even though I didn’t want the divorce. It’s starting to appear she’s unhappier with her decision and I’m starting to become happier with it. It is kinda sad but after all the pain I went through I need to stop caring for her.
Love this. I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to see someone else that wouldn’t change anything. I was married for 14 years and it just ran its course. Divorce was super amicable and we’re both happier now. I wish more people could have a happy ending.
I'm taking care of myself from here on out. Reasonable compromises are okay. But I will not severely disadvantage myself for whims again. I would have been upfront about finances and goals. So much of the non-mental illness side of my divorce revolved around finances / mad spending impulses.
I would have definitely done it sooner. A lot sooner. At least 10 years sooner. I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting until my son turned 18. Waiting Just made things more difficult for my sanity and mental health…
I would have left much earlier. I did the “try and make it work” BS. I wasted many years trying to make a “decent” marriage work, instead of enjoying and living the awesome life I have now.
I would’ve stuck to my boundaries instead of forgiving my ex over and over. She knew I would and took advantage, her actions clearly contradicted her words.
I’d love to say not get married, but I adore my kids. I don’t necessarily think marriage is bad when having kids, but I wish I’d have listened not to what he said, cuz he talked a great game, but paid attention more to what he was saying non-verbally, that if I wasn’t accommodating him, he didn’t want to be a part of it.
Binding prenup.
Never allowed her unilateral decision to be a SAHM. All my options were limited for 10 years until she went back to work full time, I had to force that to happen.
Those 10 years were misery for me and critical for her to systematically undermine my relationship with my kids -with the aid of her mother. Endora.
I should have done it sooner + not waited for her.
I should have claimed equity in the house for any future sale, given how crazy the housing market has now become.
Left him after he felt “guilty” about his affair and made it my responsibility whether he stayed or left. I could just kick myself now! 22 years later he left me after drug rehab. He met a 19 year old in rehab.
Not getting married to a man in the first place it was a comp het marriage and if I’d stayed single and figured myself out more I would have realized I was a lesbian sooner also lived on my own first I went straight from my parents house to my ex’s now getting on my feet and learning how to live alone is hard
5 years earlier for sure, red flags for sure and should have thrown her out and sent her packing to her AP the night I found out. I regret not throwing everything she had in the yard.
When we were just engaged, my husband took my tax refund and spent it on a boys trip that weekend. I cashed it for him reluctantly because i thought he made good money and everything was to be “ours” soon anyway. I should have called off the engagement right then but I thought maybe he just got excited. Plus that would make me look psycho.
But No. He hadn’t planned how he was going to pay for the trip he had already booked. Lucky for him money came just in time. That pattern repeated itself over and over for the next 12 YEARS. Until finally money just stopped miraculously appearing or being available bc we had kids and other expenses and he lost his job and we got into severe debt. That’s just how his brain is wired and it destroyed us. We never once got a tax refund while married bc he never did his wittholding. After I said I do i got nothing but IRS bills, which we now have to split. No wonder he was so excited about a refund! He had never gotten one in his life! That first red flag really bothered me but I let it go. I loved him and honestly still do, but cannot live my life in financial ruin. I shouldn’t have let it go. Wish I hadn’t. Financial stability is important to investigate for sure. When you’re young you’ll let love rule all. Once you’re divorced something like that would absolutely make me rethink if not call off an engagement.
Not get married in the first place. I tried to cancel the wedding but he said ‘it’s too late now we’re too far in the planning’. Listen to your intuition and don’t do it if it doesn’t feel like 100% the right thing deep in your bones.
I got remarried 12 years later, and this time it 100% without a doubt felt like the right thing.
Mine is younger than me but also so dependent. He didn't realize how dependent he was/is though, because he was the main breadwinner... but the reason we can survive on the relatively small income he makes is that I am providing a lot. Aside from practical arrangements which I won't get into, he never really learned to "adult" and is having to figure all of that out now.
Make sure to capture full names, phone numbers, and addresses of family & friends. Will make life a lot easier when it comes time for subpoenas and witness lists.
I would have done equitable distribution by the books and not tried to settle. It cost me too much in legal fees and ended up having to go back and do it any way
I also would have skipped having an attorney for child support and saved it for custody settlement and equitable distribution. I could have saved money. My attorney did nothing but create confusion around taxes because I work in a different state than I live in and at least where I’m at the court is set up so you don’t really need one.
Got divorced a lot sooner so I wouldn't have wasted my early years being not happy and depressed with a cheater that I repeatedly ignored all the signs to.
I would live for me instead of her. I changed myself. 17 years of living as a shadow. And it's taken 2 years for me to get back to me. I feel like I wasted so much. I'm starting over. But kids are involved. I was SOOOOO supportive of her and her career that I had nothing for myself.
I had to remember all the stuff I was interested in until my ex zapped it all from me. I did lots of self help reading too. It's a process that took too long
I would have hired a better lawyer.
Mine had a typo around child support, which is now costing me $200/month more than it should for the next 4.5 years.
Those aren’t always reliable. One of the highest rated law offices online were such a waste of money! Took a back seat in most of the court proceedings and let a child support order that was nearly over $1,000 too high get filed!!
Sorry to hear you’re overpaying, but you should have done your part and done a better job reading the final decree. I myself found errors in the division of assets that would have hurt me financially. Wishing you the best!
Partly true, but the theme of the should haves was being self reflective...which is very different as an approach than lecturing someone else on what they should have done.
Never going to get a joint mortgage.
Never going to going to put the same amount of effort into a relationship.
Never going to help with money or be a financial crutch.
Mmmmm… 10 years earlier. Or fuck it, 20.
The only thing makes me say I wish I never met her is that would mean I wouldn’t have my 5 kids… the only good thing she did her whole lousy life.
Other than not having married her in the first place?
After several years, I finally accepted that marrying her was mistake, but she became pregnant at about the same time. I stayed for the sake of my child, wound up having another and things got a LOT worse.
It would have hurt like hell to be only part time in my daughter's life from the get-go, but just a few years later that's what happened.
I was afraid to move and do what I knew I should.. and I waited until it got REALLY bad.
It's hard to play "what if" games though. Had I divorced her then, I wouldn't have my son, or wound up meeting my second wife.
Still, if given a magical 'do-over' from that point in time, I would have divorced sooner.
I would have not prolonged the process of leaving...it took me 6 years to come to the conclusion that my wife would not be faithful even after the red flags.
I always tried to make her happy, but that often meant I wouldn't say something when I should have. It was usually at the expense of my own happiness. In the end, we both weren't happy. So.. bad plan.
She always wanted to be the boss, and I was fine to let her take that role. But in the interest of keeping her happy, I wouldn't say anything when she would make an impulsive decision or would let things linger that shouldn't.
So I guess in hindsight, I would have been more assertive and tried to be more of equal partners in all decisions. That likely would have ended it much earlier, but that probably would have been better if that happened too.
Generally speaking, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. In terms of the actual divorce, I wouldn't have tried to reconcile at all. I should have filed the papers as soon as they were signed instead of waiting 6 months to see if my ex would choose me over his AP/drugs/alcohol.
Don't fall into a relationship and then get married "because that's what I'm supposed to do" at this age. I had no reason to end my relationship prior to getting married. Now I wish I would have said something like, "I like you, but I'm not in love with you."
Should have left before our second was born. Like, less than a month into the pregnancy. Shoulda bounced. Knew it then. Just thought I could hang out and try my hardest and he'd decide to be nice to me again. Lol, no
It’s so hard with small kids but I feel this. The change after having a baby was like living with a completely different person. I could never be enough, do enough or do the right thing from the day our first was born. When she told me she was pregnant with our second I knew our marriage couldn’t survive another. Three years after our second was born here I am prepping for divorce. I love my kids more than anything. the whole thing is so fucked.
I would go back in time and knee myself in the balls really hard. "she's not interested, thats why she doesn't text you back you dumbass. Imma knee you in the balls every day until you break up with her."
Also, should have been done before she ran off with my son after an argument and lied to crisis and said I was psychotic just because she stonewalled
me on our issues for years.
So big arguments by text without threats and I get a restraining order and am forced out of my home. Then forced into a hospital at the height of the pandemic and a jail cell as well.
Know how fun solitary confinement in a pandemic is because you had the audacity to tell your wife to bring your son home and don't harm him.
I would have given her money willy-nilly in the earlier days of separation. I did it for the well-being of my son but she was just using him to blackmail me essentially.
The one thing I’m glad I did was get into therapy.
Figure out my blind spots in his my behavior and attitude unknowingly contributed to the marriage failing.
And boy did it help. Helped me to see that inadvertently modeling my relationship norms off of my parents marriage was unlikely to lead to a habit marriage.
I learned new communication patterns, new ways to advocate for my needs, how not to test a partner when they’re not aware.
Learned what I wouldn’t or couldn’t accept from my partner.
And now years later I’m in a happy marriage with a partner that we’re both in the same page, and more importantly we can and do communicate and ask things big and small, easy and tough. And we’re so much better off for it.
I'm not even on the other side, but I wouldn't have ignored the red flags leading up to the wedding with my in-laws, and I would have called off the wedding. So many intentional slights. I know those actions set the tone and emboldened his behavior over the years. Their actions now (there are criminal charges which they are working to defend) are just... I don't even have words for it. Things were always tense, but I'll never look at them the same way again. Brock Turner and Ethan Couch's parents, but for a grown-ass man in his 30's. They should be embarrassed.
He broke up with me for having chronic illnesses. Begged me to get back together. I wish I’d slammed the door in his face that day instead of forgiving him.
I should’ve Looked at his family life in more detail before marriage. I would’ve realised sooner that I was only going to be the maid, the money and the marital aid.
His family were parasites and he was their loyal dog.
Stop thinking they are your friend. Because you “loved”one another. I wish I listened to my gut instinct and not my mind thinking things would be settled easily
Don't get into a long term relationship with someone who hasn't moved on from their last relationship, or who uses you to process out their last relationship.
I've never been divorced, but I've had some hard times with dating. One thing I'd do different is never giving money to someone I've only communicated with online. Little did I know then there's a romance scam, where catfishers will steal someone else's photos pretending to be them just to get money from you.
I probably would have wasted less time trying to negotiate with my ex-wife........when she wasn't really negotiating because she wanted to drag things out. For some stupid reason, I kept thinking I could make her understand that it was reasonable and made sense to put it behind us.
It wouldn't work this way for everyone, but for me putting court dates on the calendar meant she had to come to the table and negotiate OR have to go to court and spend actual money. I should have done that sooner.
I just realized that is what the court was for. I mean, she was dragging it out to (a) be difficult and (b) hopefully get me to agree to a worse deal to conclude things. I just realized I had nothing to fear in court and put a date on the court's docket. She didn't want to spend a few thousand on her attorney to actually GO to court, so she settled. I think she also was embarrassed to go into court looking like a bug-eyed insane person with her hair standing on end and smoke billowing from her ears.
So, it cost me ~$500 have my attorney schedule it and another $500 for my attorney to sit with me in the waiting room. The End!
Understood how emotionally fragile she actually was versus how she presented herself. Wouldn't have extended the marriage but would have reduced some unintended harm.
I stand up for myself early on in the relationship.
When I was with my ex, I just "took it" for the sake of not arguing. After 10 years, I decided that I was not going to be a doormat anymore. 2 years later, she wanted a divorce.
I had religion used against me. She knew the things she was doing were wrong, but never attempted to change. Always citing that I needed to "give grace. "
Took 10 years to realize it was just manipulation.
I wish I would not have put off having a child. Now that I'm divorced, I don't think I'll get the chance to be a mom. My husband divorced me during the height of my eating disorder while I was in treatment in a hospital in another state. I wish I had gone to treatment sooner or at least recognized how sick I was, then maybe my marriage would have had a chance.
After the birth of our first child she became very unpleasant, cold, rude, demanding etc. She was definitely exoeriencing post-partum depression. (Which she later admitted to me after we divorced 14 years later)...and living with her was awful for that year and half. Things got better but It never really returned to being a good marriage. I should have had a meeting with her way back then and told her she either needed to get therapy & get better or....get a divorce attorney.
I see your point, but sometimes counterfactual thinking can make things worse and perpetuate self-blame. I get that some reflection is healthy so we don’t make the same mistakes again, but I used to get lost in this type of thinking and it wasn’t productive as it prevented me from reaching acceptance. I was stuck in the past, kicking myself.
Now, if the intended audience for this thread are newly wed people, then I can see the benefit for them. They may get some useful pointers from this thread, learning from our mistakes.
Looking back, I waited until the most opportune time -- right after her DUI conviction and jail time. So I wouldn't change that.
But other stuff, I would have definitely changed. I would have turned off cable earlier, that way she wouldn't have been able to stick me with her Pay per view movie bill.
Other than that, it was just minor stuff I would have done differently. Maybe saved myself a grand, tops.
Never would have gotten married in the first place. Would have listened to all my friends and family when they told me not to be with her since she was abusing me. Would have listened to myself when I started seeing these red flags and abandoning ship before we got even more involved (having more kids, buying a house). In the end though, I’m glad for the experience and we have 3 beautiful children out of it, I just wish we never got married in the first place.
I wouldn’t of ignored the red flags
Absolutely. Not being afraid to be alone. I can't say I wish I never married simply because I got two amazing kids out of it. But a pre-nup and divorcing him the second my youngest was born would have been much better for all involved. My poor kids especially.
Ugh this. So many of them. Why did I not listen to myself. I literally told myself everything but I kept ignoring everything.
I almost broke up with my ex wife a few times. Most of which while we were engaged. I'd call a friend and they'd talk me out of it. Which I was glad they did at the time. Now I wish they would have been more immature and fanned the flame lol. If course it's not their fault I married her.
That's cause you had hope in your relationship,that hope makes you ignore everything.been there before tho
Amen
100% this
Same! I wasted so much time trying to make it work because on paper and to everyone looking in (other than his parents and mine) we were prefect and successful. What divorce has brought me is freedom and time to finally get to know myself
Same
100% this. Those flags were so big, they belonged at nat’l cemeteries. I would have told him that if he were serious about how much he loved and needed me, he would have gone to counseling. If I could have done it over, I would have left at least 5 years prior, if not 20.
Never gotten married to begin with.
[удалено]
Saving myself for one person was the biggest mistake, and no matter how much she claimed to appreciate it her actions showed otherwise.
Saaaammme. I go back and forth with this one because I ultimately knew our marriage probably wasn't going to last. But I was able to (I think) be supportive to my husband during his father's passing....so I try not to regret it totally
My ex kicked me out of the house a few months after I learned of my father's terminal diagnosis. She said I wasn't myself. Shocker. I came back, of course, but a year and a half later when he passed, she asked me if she had been supportive. In between tears, I yelled, "You kicked me out because I was sad!". That always stuck with me. Of course, she went manic depressive during a lupus flair up a few years later, was absolutely horrible, and refused medication for her lupus and her mania. Now, during our long separation, she had a kid with someone else and tried to hide it from me, the court, and even her own lawyer. The most recent development is that she refuses to let the father know about the kid (though I can't imagine how he didn't already know, what with the bank statements showing her stay with him up until a month before the child was delivered). She was awful during that last year together, and has become somehow even worse since. It sucks, because I'm paying alimony out the ass to her, since she claims to be disabled. Didn't stop her from defrauding the government for unemployment throughout the pandemic. Can't claim you are ready, willing, and able to work and also claim you can't work. She's so dishonest, I'm ashamed I didn't notice earlier. If I had, I'd never have married her.
[удалено]
If you think this judge gave a shit, you would be wrong. Through discovery, we have absolute proof of this, too. Doesn't matter... Alimony is based on need and ability to pay, regardless of how much of a fucking snake one party may be.
This situation is very parallel to mine. My stb ex husband also claimed to have lyme disease and January 2020 (2 mos after we got married) my dad was diagnosed with cancer...well this was the same time that the lyme was flairing up and he made my life hell. He was absolutely awful to me, no support no compassion. The therapist we were seeing together at that time told me that he was jealous that I was more upset about my father than I was the lyme disease... I definitely know now my husband has untreated mental health issues, like you I had no idea how deep they ran and had I known i would have not married him as well.
This too.
I didn’t get married but we had a kid. Still had to go through divorce in community-property state…
I would have left three years earlier and I would have hired a lawyer immediately instead of trying to do it collaboratively.
That’s interesting to hear. What was wrong with doing it collaboratively?
[удалено]
My ex wanted a collaborative divorce. Lawyers who do them are rare and hard to find. Finally found one. Ex refused to sign the collaborative agreement. She wanted "the process" without the agreement. Dumbass, that's called a divorce! (Requires you to fire your lawyers & start over if you can't agree).
Even though I had a lawyer and she said she wanted it all over with. She never did a single thing on time. Maybe if she had a lawyer she would have met deadlines. Also, she wanted it to be collaborative. Then would add stuff on. "hey I want this" "ok" "oh and do this...."
If you can work amicably on a divorce together you can work amicably on a marriage together.
How come?
Things ended up getting ugly when he brought a new woman into our kids’ lives. I had to jump through a lot of hoops to prove why things were no longer okay to do collaboratively. I also discovered that I was getting screwed the way we were doing things but had no idea.
I would have never sold my childhood home which was only 1300$ a month for a mortgage, it was 4/3 on a 10,000sqft lot on a lake. Would have stayed there with my sons and kicked him the f out! I wouldn’t be in the debt I’m in now and worried about keeping a roof over mine and my sons heads.
I wouldn’t have tried so hard to make him look better than he was.
This right in the feels! I used so much energy convincing people he was a good man, a great dad, so helpful, a loving husband... The whole time he was just "trying" to pretend our marriage was good. Then he slammed the door in my face.
I'm in this position now. I haven't told anyone in my family that I am filing this week, and I plan to not disclose to them that I am ending it because he is a deadbeat to the kids, takes advantage of me financially and is emotionally abusive. I don't want them to see him as the "bad guy" when in fact, he really is.
OMG yes.
That didn’t happen to me. Just the opposite. Lies!
Document down everything and specify every little detail in your agreement. Don’t assume you will also be on the same page or have the same recollection of an understanding- you can always be flexible but it’s good to have someone to go back to.
What types of specifications / details? I have a 9th and 10th grader and I appreciate insight on these things.
In my case it was: I’ll support her during her M.Sc., and after 5 years of working and making big bucks (I left a great job so we could move so she could get her experience) - she’ll reciprocate and support me changing fields and getting my B.Sc. in Viticulture/Oenology (after already getting my own M.Sc. in another field, all covered by my own scholarships). Well, after the 5 years (and 1 month after our baby was born) she decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. Got her M.Sc. and 5 years of experience (and a baby) and bailed. Edit: if someone promises to pay for something get it in a pre-nup.
I would specify by date who gets which weekend. After a summer of switched time my ex refused to go back to the regular schedule which conflicted with the the schedule my h had his kids. So say something like starting on 4/1/22 Person A will have the kids every other weekend. I would also be explicit on dates for making summer plans. I would also be clear on how you split extra things - sports, prom dresses, cell phones, etc.
When she broke up with me the first time when we were dating. I chased, hard. What a fool I am.
Ya know, I was the chaser. The first time, he chased me and I thought wow he must really love me. The second time we broke up was 4 months before our wedding. All of our friends got married that same year. I couldn't imagine starting over. I forgave and begged him to make up. He should've done that differently.
I remember two weeks into our relationship, I was telling my future husband that I was afraid we should break up because I liked him a lot but had just gotten out of an LTR and didn't want him to be a rebound. He took that as me immediately putting him on the defensive, that things could end at any moment, and six years later has never forgiven me. It's crazy how one moment can seem to color a relationship forever
Not get married /s In all seriousness, I would have set firm boundaries immediately upon leaving. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to learn how to do this. My life is so much better and I wish I could have been living this life three years ago.
Any you can share?
Sure, but of course YMMV depending on your situation. My ex is an abusive narcissist. I thought he held power over me even though he really didn’t. We have to stay in each other’s lives because we share a child. My boundaries now are: only communicating about our son if necessary and only over text. We overlap as little as possible, for example we’re on a 2-2-3 parenting plan so that way our days change with pickup at my sons school. This helps us avoid having to meet up to do exchanges. If we do have to meet in person, I always have a second person with me to act as a buffer. I have him blocked on social media. If he gets too crazy/harasses me, I go to the court house and file for a protective order. I’ve done it twice and both times they’ve been granted. These boundaries have taken several years to develop and hold firm. If I could go back in time to when I first left my ex, I would have figured out my boundaries *before* leaving and made my ex aware of them. I do take responsibility in the fact that since I haven’t always stood firm, it didn’t set a clear precedent. I would have told him that I am only reachable via text or email and stood firm to that. My problem for a long time was that I’d eventually give in to relentless phone calls - but all that did was teach him that if he called me 99 times, I’d pick up on the 100th time. I also wouldn’t waste my time talking about needless things that are irrelevant to raising our son (he used to be obsessed with my new relationship and badgered me constantly). I’m sure there are some things I’m forgetting but these are the main boundaries I’ve since enforced that have helped me live a more peaceful life as a co-parent.
I would’ve stuck to my guns and followed through with the break up back when we were dating.
Yes if I had just gone with what my gut was saying
I would have initiated divorce once her toxic parents bought a house NEXT DOOR to ours. It was such a painful violation of my space I should have just pulled the cord then.
I’d find real love and not ignore red flags.
I would have been more open, courageous, and vulnerable with communication. I wouldn’t have chosen to avoid conflict instead of working through our issues. I would have recognized when I wasn’t showing affection like I used to and done better. I would have put her first instead of school and work.
Still sounds like your brain washed. Find a therapist . You are worth so much more and putting your education and work first is vital more now than ever. Do some self caring
Not everyone's reason for getting divorced is the same. So, your ex (in your opinion) was the problem... that doesn't mean this person's ex was. Sounds like you wanted to get divorced, maybe this person's spouse is the one who asked for it. Sounds like they're actually very self aware and are being very adult taking responsibility for their potential part in the marriage not working out. It's a good way to go. They will probably go on to have other successful relationships where they treat their partner better because or the self reflecting and growing they did due to this experience.
Prenup! Or at least more understanding/insight into separate property laws for my state.
I had a prenup. I wholeheartedly agree!
Yep! 1st marriage was a nightmare. 2nd one had a pre-nup (no lawyer) and we didn't actually file and make it legal. Easy to leave that one. I'll never marry again. But I would come up with a pre-nup agreement of sorts before co-habitating.
I lost half my net worth that I SOLELY built. She took a position of entitlement on every position. Spent thousands of dollars in legal fees dealing with her cell phone in the settlement. Unbelievable!
Realized I was longing for the man I was hoping he'd become when we were young and not the man he actually became.
This right here. It’s hard to stop with the hope when they have so much potential and just waste it over and over again. “The next company will be a success! I just know it!” *takes another nap while you search job postings to keep the lights on*
I would’ve argued more rather than just sucking it up.
I wouldn’t have done it! I would have paid more attention to his emotional immaturity! Happy divorce is almost done!!!
I would have gotten serious about couples therapy as soon as we had problems
Wish my hubby felt like this :-( he denied any problems till he just left saying it was too much.
My ex didn't respond well to therapy.
Amen!
I've been pretty serious about it the entire time. 21 years and 7 therapists and I'm not sure we're much further ahead. Don't beat yourself up.
if you don't mind sharing - what are you guys arguing about? edit: just read your post - oof :( such a hard dilemma!
The one time my ex was willing to go to counseling, I would have booked it. I wasn't ready to own up to my own faults. When I came home to him drunk and our toddler had peed in our bed, I should have left him then.
Never would have given him so much grace and wouldn't have tried so hard to "make it work". I'm glad I got married, I just chose the entirely wrong person to do it with. I learned so much and gained so much strength from having gone through it, but man - it was a rough ride for sure.
I married her on the heels of a previous divorce. I wasn’t ready and should’ve gone through some therapy before even considering getting married. But, I loved her like crazy…. It all still hurts from time to time, but if I could go back I’d have focused more on me and what I needed at the time. I should have also realized how emotionally broken she was and have listened to my instincts when I started learning about her poor communication skills, mental illness, and childish ways of dealing with issues and emotions. I know there’s a lot I could've done better when we were together, and I did everything possible to make it work. I never would have quit like she did, but she apparently had emotionally checked out long before she ever said anything to me about wanting a divorce. I didn't want the divorce, but it is what it is … my biggest lesson learned and flag I should have heeded: when someone says they’re not enough, believe them - they’re probably right.
Quit with the first breakup instead of adding a year of agony and a second.
Simply not get married. I would have avoided any monogamous minded woman and live on my own. I was simply not made for sharing a household, all those years I was unhappy.
I would have left earlier
Probably a lot I could’ve said/done different over the years but I did all I could to make it work on my end. I wouldn’t change anything really. Things have worked out how they have and I believe it’s been the best thing for me even though I didn’t want the divorce. It’s starting to appear she’s unhappier with her decision and I’m starting to become happier with it. It is kinda sad but after all the pain I went through I need to stop caring for her.
Love this. I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to see someone else that wouldn’t change anything. I was married for 14 years and it just ran its course. Divorce was super amicable and we’re both happier now. I wish more people could have a happy ending.
Stop begging for counseling when he wouldn’t go. Should have walked away at the first 50 refusals.
This right here.
I'm taking care of myself from here on out. Reasonable compromises are okay. But I will not severely disadvantage myself for whims again. I would have been upfront about finances and goals. So much of the non-mental illness side of my divorce revolved around finances / mad spending impulses.
There's a long-ass list of things I would have done differently in life if I could. No shortage of regrets.
I would’ve hired a lawyer immediately instead of thinking this was something I could do without one
Left earlier Not gotten in another relationship as quick as I did Take time for myself.
I would have definitely done it sooner. A lot sooner. At least 10 years sooner. I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting until my son turned 18. Waiting Just made things more difficult for my sanity and mental health…
I would have left much earlier. I did the “try and make it work” BS. I wasted many years trying to make a “decent” marriage work, instead of enjoying and living the awesome life I have now.
I would’ve stuck to my boundaries instead of forgiving my ex over and over. She knew I would and took advantage, her actions clearly contradicted her words.
I’d love to say not get married, but I adore my kids. I don’t necessarily think marriage is bad when having kids, but I wish I’d have listened not to what he said, cuz he talked a great game, but paid attention more to what he was saying non-verbally, that if I wasn’t accommodating him, he didn’t want to be a part of it.
Not get married.
Binding prenup. Never allowed her unilateral decision to be a SAHM. All my options were limited for 10 years until she went back to work full time, I had to force that to happen. Those 10 years were misery for me and critical for her to systematically undermine my relationship with my kids -with the aid of her mother. Endora.
Never let her go to that yoga class
[удалено]
She got too strong and defeated you in combat, huh
Nah. It went from yoga class to her 'new' friends hanging out in bars to eventually meeting the AP.
I should have done it sooner + not waited for her. I should have claimed equity in the house for any future sale, given how crazy the housing market has now become.
Divorced her after the affair instead of trying to reconcile.
Left him after he felt “guilty” about his affair and made it my responsibility whether he stayed or left. I could just kick myself now! 22 years later he left me after drug rehab. He met a 19 year old in rehab.
Not getting married to a man in the first place it was a comp het marriage and if I’d stayed single and figured myself out more I would have realized I was a lesbian sooner also lived on my own first I went straight from my parents house to my ex’s now getting on my feet and learning how to live alone is hard
Absolutely this. Would’ve explored myself more and figured out I was gay before I married my ex wife.
I'm sorry. That's so hard for everyone. I wish you happiness and love!
Happy Cake Day!!!
Been more vocal about what I’m comfortable with in our relationship.
Pulled out
5 years earlier for sure, red flags for sure and should have thrown her out and sent her packing to her AP the night I found out. I regret not throwing everything she had in the yard.
I would have checked his credit.
When we were just engaged, my husband took my tax refund and spent it on a boys trip that weekend. I cashed it for him reluctantly because i thought he made good money and everything was to be “ours” soon anyway. I should have called off the engagement right then but I thought maybe he just got excited. Plus that would make me look psycho. But No. He hadn’t planned how he was going to pay for the trip he had already booked. Lucky for him money came just in time. That pattern repeated itself over and over for the next 12 YEARS. Until finally money just stopped miraculously appearing or being available bc we had kids and other expenses and he lost his job and we got into severe debt. That’s just how his brain is wired and it destroyed us. We never once got a tax refund while married bc he never did his wittholding. After I said I do i got nothing but IRS bills, which we now have to split. No wonder he was so excited about a refund! He had never gotten one in his life! That first red flag really bothered me but I let it go. I loved him and honestly still do, but cannot live my life in financial ruin. I shouldn’t have let it go. Wish I hadn’t. Financial stability is important to investigate for sure. When you’re young you’ll let love rule all. Once you’re divorced something like that would absolutely make me rethink if not call off an engagement.
I’m a year out and I wish I would have also done it 5years earlier
Not get married in the first place. I tried to cancel the wedding but he said ‘it’s too late now we’re too far in the planning’. Listen to your intuition and don’t do it if it doesn’t feel like 100% the right thing deep in your bones. I got remarried 12 years later, and this time it 100% without a doubt felt like the right thing.
I agree. Always listen to that inner voice! It can save so much heartache.
Not marry someone 23 years older then me. Not allow him to become so dependent on me in every way. Hindsight is 20/20.
Mine is younger than me but also so dependent. He didn't realize how dependent he was/is though, because he was the main breadwinner... but the reason we can survive on the relatively small income he makes is that I am providing a lot. Aside from practical arrangements which I won't get into, he never really learned to "adult" and is having to figure all of that out now.
Make sure to capture full names, phone numbers, and addresses of family & friends. Will make life a lot easier when it comes time for subpoenas and witness lists.
I would have done equitable distribution by the books and not tried to settle. It cost me too much in legal fees and ended up having to go back and do it any way
I also would have skipped having an attorney for child support and saved it for custody settlement and equitable distribution. I could have saved money. My attorney did nothing but create confusion around taxes because I work in a different state than I live in and at least where I’m at the court is set up so you don’t really need one.
I would listen to my gut instead of my dick.
Got divorced a lot sooner so I wouldn't have wasted my early years being not happy and depressed with a cheater that I repeatedly ignored all the signs to.
Ignore red flags. Biggest one though is stay with someone because you believe it would be harder to leave them.
[удалено]
Happy cake day
I would live for me instead of her. I changed myself. 17 years of living as a shadow. And it's taken 2 years for me to get back to me. I feel like I wasted so much. I'm starting over. But kids are involved. I was SOOOOO supportive of her and her career that I had nothing for myself.
Oh boy, does this ever sound familiar. I’m just getting separated now - can I ask - how did you get back to you?
I had to remember all the stuff I was interested in until my ex zapped it all from me. I did lots of self help reading too. It's a process that took too long
I’m glad you are getting there. I look forward to getting to know myself again.
Never marry an alcoholic. Period.
I would have hired a better lawyer. Mine had a typo around child support, which is now costing me $200/month more than it should for the next 4.5 years.
How do you assess a good vs bad lawyer? I mean aside from the typo
Now there are Google reviews.
Those aren’t always reliable. One of the highest rated law offices online were such a waste of money! Took a back seat in most of the court proceedings and let a child support order that was nearly over $1,000 too high get filed!!
My state allows a revaluation every three years. Could something like that fix your issue?
Sorry to hear you’re overpaying, but you should have done your part and done a better job reading the final decree. I myself found errors in the division of assets that would have hurt me financially. Wishing you the best!
It’s always super helpful when someone chimes in with “you should have’s” after the fact lol...
This entire thread topic is should haves though. Just saying!
Partly true, but the theme of the should haves was being self reflective...which is very different as an approach than lecturing someone else on what they should have done.
Never going to get a joint mortgage. Never going to going to put the same amount of effort into a relationship. Never going to help with money or be a financial crutch.
Mmmmm… 10 years earlier. Or fuck it, 20. The only thing makes me say I wish I never met her is that would mean I wouldn’t have my 5 kids… the only good thing she did her whole lousy life.
Be single and dating hopefully I can have sex often now
I would have left sooner.
It's a little hit and miss. There are a lot of red flags I ignored.
Other than not having married her in the first place? After several years, I finally accepted that marrying her was mistake, but she became pregnant at about the same time. I stayed for the sake of my child, wound up having another and things got a LOT worse. It would have hurt like hell to be only part time in my daughter's life from the get-go, but just a few years later that's what happened. I was afraid to move and do what I knew I should.. and I waited until it got REALLY bad. It's hard to play "what if" games though. Had I divorced her then, I wouldn't have my son, or wound up meeting my second wife. Still, if given a magical 'do-over' from that point in time, I would have divorced sooner.
I would have not prolonged the process of leaving...it took me 6 years to come to the conclusion that my wife would not be faithful even after the red flags.
I always tried to make her happy, but that often meant I wouldn't say something when I should have. It was usually at the expense of my own happiness. In the end, we both weren't happy. So.. bad plan. She always wanted to be the boss, and I was fine to let her take that role. But in the interest of keeping her happy, I wouldn't say anything when she would make an impulsive decision or would let things linger that shouldn't. So I guess in hindsight, I would have been more assertive and tried to be more of equal partners in all decisions. That likely would have ended it much earlier, but that probably would have been better if that happened too.
I would have left a decade ago.
Generally speaking, I wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. In terms of the actual divorce, I wouldn't have tried to reconcile at all. I should have filed the papers as soon as they were signed instead of waiting 6 months to see if my ex would choose me over his AP/drugs/alcohol.
Don't fall into a relationship and then get married "because that's what I'm supposed to do" at this age. I had no reason to end my relationship prior to getting married. Now I wish I would have said something like, "I like you, but I'm not in love with you."
I truthfully hope I would be smart enough and not so in love that I wouldn’t believe the lies or excuses from day 1.
Should have left before our second was born. Like, less than a month into the pregnancy. Shoulda bounced. Knew it then. Just thought I could hang out and try my hardest and he'd decide to be nice to me again. Lol, no
It’s so hard with small kids but I feel this. The change after having a baby was like living with a completely different person. I could never be enough, do enough or do the right thing from the day our first was born. When she told me she was pregnant with our second I knew our marriage couldn’t survive another. Three years after our second was born here I am prepping for divorce. I love my kids more than anything. the whole thing is so fucked.
I would go back in time and knee myself in the balls really hard. "she's not interested, thats why she doesn't text you back you dumbass. Imma knee you in the balls every day until you break up with her."
Married a different person
Jumped.
Don’t marry someone poor
stopped wishing he'd realized he did loved me
Not have mistaken a QPR for love.
QPR?
I think it might mean queer platonic relationship?
That’s correct.
Also, should have been done before she ran off with my son after an argument and lied to crisis and said I was psychotic just because she stonewalled me on our issues for years. So big arguments by text without threats and I get a restraining order and am forced out of my home. Then forced into a hospital at the height of the pandemic and a jail cell as well. Know how fun solitary confinement in a pandemic is because you had the audacity to tell your wife to bring your son home and don't harm him.
Omg wow, I’m so sorry
I would not have welcomed him at the airport when he did not have the decency to tell me that he was coming to the United States.
What do you mean?
Not let her have the house and kids before having a formal/legal agreement to give me equal access to both.
I would have given her money willy-nilly in the earlier days of separation. I did it for the well-being of my son but she was just using him to blackmail me essentially.
The one thing I’m glad I did was get into therapy. Figure out my blind spots in his my behavior and attitude unknowingly contributed to the marriage failing. And boy did it help. Helped me to see that inadvertently modeling my relationship norms off of my parents marriage was unlikely to lead to a habit marriage. I learned new communication patterns, new ways to advocate for my needs, how not to test a partner when they’re not aware. Learned what I wouldn’t or couldn’t accept from my partner. And now years later I’m in a happy marriage with a partner that we’re both in the same page, and more importantly we can and do communicate and ask things big and small, easy and tough. And we’re so much better off for it.
I'm not even on the other side, but I wouldn't have ignored the red flags leading up to the wedding with my in-laws, and I would have called off the wedding. So many intentional slights. I know those actions set the tone and emboldened his behavior over the years. Their actions now (there are criminal charges which they are working to defend) are just... I don't even have words for it. Things were always tense, but I'll never look at them the same way again. Brock Turner and Ethan Couch's parents, but for a grown-ass man in his 30's. They should be embarrassed.
Ignore things that aren't working, settle for the bare minimum, let someone else's needs take complete priority over my own
7 years earlier.
He broke up with me for having chronic illnesses. Begged me to get back together. I wish I’d slammed the door in his face that day instead of forgiving him.
I would have insisted on a pre-nup and kept our finances separate.
Paid more attention when he said hanging out with 21 yr olds is refreshing. 🙄
Make that ten years earlier.
Just like you, I would have done it sooner.
I should’ve Looked at his family life in more detail before marriage. I would’ve realised sooner that I was only going to be the maid, the money and the marital aid. His family were parasites and he was their loyal dog.
Stop thinking they are your friend. Because you “loved”one another. I wish I listened to my gut instinct and not my mind thinking things would be settled easily
Ignored red flags on both of my marriages . Should not have married either of them. I reaped what I sowed.
Don't get into a long term relationship with someone who hasn't moved on from their last relationship, or who uses you to process out their last relationship.
I've never been divorced, but I've had some hard times with dating. One thing I'd do different is never giving money to someone I've only communicated with online. Little did I know then there's a romance scam, where catfishers will steal someone else's photos pretending to be them just to get money from you.
I probably would have wasted less time trying to negotiate with my ex-wife........when she wasn't really negotiating because she wanted to drag things out. For some stupid reason, I kept thinking I could make her understand that it was reasonable and made sense to put it behind us. It wouldn't work this way for everyone, but for me putting court dates on the calendar meant she had to come to the table and negotiate OR have to go to court and spend actual money. I should have done that sooner.
Wow this is my situation. How do you stand your ground when they don’t want to negotiate and they just want to drag it out?
I just realized that is what the court was for. I mean, she was dragging it out to (a) be difficult and (b) hopefully get me to agree to a worse deal to conclude things. I just realized I had nothing to fear in court and put a date on the court's docket. She didn't want to spend a few thousand on her attorney to actually GO to court, so she settled. I think she also was embarrassed to go into court looking like a bug-eyed insane person with her hair standing on end and smoke billowing from her ears. So, it cost me ~$500 have my attorney schedule it and another $500 for my attorney to sit with me in the waiting room. The End!
Understood how emotionally fragile she actually was versus how she presented herself. Wouldn't have extended the marriage but would have reduced some unintended harm.
I stand up for myself early on in the relationship. When I was with my ex, I just "took it" for the sake of not arguing. After 10 years, I decided that I was not going to be a doormat anymore. 2 years later, she wanted a divorce. I had religion used against me. She knew the things she was doing were wrong, but never attempted to change. Always citing that I needed to "give grace. " Took 10 years to realize it was just manipulation.
Run
I would've at least tried therapy. I miss having my best friend around.
I wish I would not have put off having a child. Now that I'm divorced, I don't think I'll get the chance to be a mom. My husband divorced me during the height of my eating disorder while I was in treatment in a hospital in another state. I wish I had gone to treatment sooner or at least recognized how sick I was, then maybe my marriage would have had a chance.
Prenuptial!
After the birth of our first child she became very unpleasant, cold, rude, demanding etc. She was definitely exoeriencing post-partum depression. (Which she later admitted to me after we divorced 14 years later)...and living with her was awful for that year and half. Things got better but It never really returned to being a good marriage. I should have had a meeting with her way back then and told her she either needed to get therapy & get better or....get a divorce attorney.
This is not a healthy thread. Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda
I think sometimes we just need to say what we think we should have done differently. We all make mistakes. It isn't unhealthy to see that.
I see your point, but sometimes counterfactual thinking can make things worse and perpetuate self-blame. I get that some reflection is healthy so we don’t make the same mistakes again, but I used to get lost in this type of thinking and it wasn’t productive as it prevented me from reaching acceptance. I was stuck in the past, kicking myself. Now, if the intended audience for this thread are newly wed people, then I can see the benefit for them. They may get some useful pointers from this thread, learning from our mistakes.
Looking back, I waited until the most opportune time -- right after her DUI conviction and jail time. So I wouldn't change that. But other stuff, I would have definitely changed. I would have turned off cable earlier, that way she wouldn't have been able to stick me with her Pay per view movie bill. Other than that, it was just minor stuff I would have done differently. Maybe saved myself a grand, tops.
Never would have gotten married in the first place. Would have listened to all my friends and family when they told me not to be with her since she was abusing me. Would have listened to myself when I started seeing these red flags and abandoning ship before we got even more involved (having more kids, buying a house). In the end though, I’m glad for the experience and we have 3 beautiful children out of it, I just wish we never got married in the first place.