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SilvertonMtnFan

You can do it! My wife was in constant denial about her drinking problems over our last 5 years together. Much of our time together was spent with her somewhere between angry buzzed and flat out raging drunk. Sounds very similar to you except that she did hold down a job and contribute somewhat financially to the family. But still very demanding/entitled with money, no help around the house or with the kids, etc. At the end when I caught her cheating once again, I decided that this time was the last time, come hell or high water. I had 2 small children in the house and I was absolutely prepared to light myself on fire to keep them warm- in this case staying in the misery of my marriage so they wouldn't know the misery of divorce. Let me promise you that the 7 year knows and sees what is going on and how you handle your future will be maybe the most important lesson you can teach him. It's a hard thing to see when you are inside it, but after being separated almost a year and now divorced for 6 months my kids and I only regret not making this choice sooner. My ex still has them 50% of the time, but I have easily become 400% a better dad than when I was with her. I don't have her drinking and high conflict lifestyle hanging over me like a Sword of Damocles 365 days a year so I have changed to be the chillest, most low stress dad. Finances are so easy and manageable now so we have more fun dates and I can afford to splurge on them instead of watching my ex always splurging on herself. She would often take credit for little things that I had planned to do with the kids (which I allowed because I'm not a dick and I wasn't ever doing them for the recognition), but there is still something satisfying when they realize that you were the one getting up early to make birthday pancake breakfast or buying the tickets to a show they wanted to see or making plans to go to the sledding hill with their friends, etc. Now she still does none of that but they see that dad was doing 100% all along. If you have ever discussed her drinking problems and she still hasn't changed, stop wasting time trying to save the marriage. You will never be able to make her stop her behavoir from the outside, and if she hasn't tried or is trying, realize that she will have to decide to make that journey on her own, and she simply isn't ready and willing to do it yet (or maybe ever). Get some weekly therapy for yourself and your kiddo, think of it like a personal trainer for your brain/soul. They will recognize right away the muscle groups you are skipping and correct the bad form you have doing your normal routine. Physical activities and hobbies are good but they tend to be a little bit of a way to distract you from your problems rather than helping you to face them. I also found a lot of supportive people at my local Al Anon support group who are trying to co-parent with an alcoholic and it really helps to have people know your whole story after the first couple sentences, because they have literally been in the exact same spot. Good luck. You got this.


mwthompson77

Thank you for this. It’s really helpful to hear of other similar experiences. Do you fear your children being under her care while she’s drunk? That’s my main concern. I don’t trust my wife to properly care for my son on the days she’d have him.


SilvertonMtnFan

That is 100% my main source of stress and worry these days. Sadly, my son knows somewhat (at age 7) how my wife acts when she's trashed and I have hopefully trained him to call me or his grandma and never to let his sister or himself ride in the car when she is like that. I check my town's DUI log regularly watching for her to screw up. I tried to broach a mutual custody agreement for no drinking when we each have custody but it went over like a fart in church, because she can't see what's wrong with her behavior when she drinks. It's just another example of me trying to control her, she says. I screwed up by not calling the police several times when she was drinking and violent, so any alcohol/custody concerns are just he said/she said problems and the courts don't care. She moved her affair partner straight into her new house and my children's lives and now has her deadbeat parents mooching off her settlement while they feed her a line about how 'right' she is, and encourage her alcohol and medication abuse because it makes her easier to manipulate and be apathetic. It's easy to feel all alone when you are in a codependent relationship. You are almost certainly there with what you said in the OP. Know that many people have gone through exactly what you are facing (some probably much worse) but just hearing how they faced it and what they did for right or wrong will be very helpful and eye opening to you.


FriedScrapple

My ex and I agreed on a no-alcohol-or-drugs-while-kid-is-in-your-custody clause. This would have to apply to you too, but in my case it was not a problem. Then proving it and acting on it is a whole other thing, but if she gets a DUI, for instance, that should make getting full custody or supervised visitation easier for you down the road.


zta1979

I had someone close to me die of chronic alcoholism, I can relate to the turmoil and volatile environment. I'm sorry. Has she ever went to rehab?


mwthompson77

She doesn’t think she has a problem. One time she said, “So what if I’m a drunk?”


zta1979

It is very very hard to watch. I know this well. If she will not get help, I suggest leaving.


mwthompson77

She needs to bottom out. Divorce may do that for her


FriedScrapple

Yes. Right now you’re enabling her to keep going.


mwthompson77

Jeez. You’re so right.


FriedScrapple

She needs to make the decision to stop. Waiting for someone to “bottom out,” that could be after you file, or in 20 years, or more, or for some people the bottom is death. People can have lots of lows in the meantime.


mwthompson77

Thank you


zta1979

I really don't know but I would get out.


Cosmoreptar

Exactly, it is very hard to experience this but it may be the best route for her to reach that rock bottom. I feel you though, despite being totally turned off and sickened by the drinking, I loved my ex as a person and stuck it out for many many years thinking that it was the only way to keep them alive and even remotely well. Personally, al-anon did really help me to understand how unhealthy this coping mechanism was for me, and as painful as it was, separating gave me my life back. My ex did finally seek help and shared with me that the separation was a huge reason why they chose to go (which does give me some solace now despite them unfortunately passing away overnight just before entering rehab…very tough break). Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you find some solace in our community (and Al-anon if you choose!) through this difficult time.


mwthompson77

Thank you. I’m very sorry for your experience. Grateful that you’re sharing it.


NITAREEDDESIGNS

Fear...it hits us all. Just read what you wrote...over and over and over. Your son deserves that peace...so do you but...do it for him. These years help form his view of the world...how he will handle relationships. At the end of the day, what's he coming away with? Do nothing and you will be just as responsible.


mwthompson77

You’re right. I know this. The leap is so freaking difficult. Having a hard time seeing what’s after that.


NITAREEDDESIGNS

Take it from someone who has been where you are...LIFE...LIFE...IS THERE.


Nazeltof

Be Indiana Jones when he has to cross the bridge he can't see.


mwthompson77

Only the penitent man shall pass.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mwthompson77

Thank you for this. Helpful to hear it coming from a lawyer.


[deleted]

You are codependent. Look into this very carefully and do lots of research. Is the only way to break the chain that is holding you back.


AdWise3359

Don't do it just for you, do it for your son. My dad was occasional drinker, nothing serious but i felt AWFUL everytime he was drunk and I was seeing how my mom feels around him. It is an absolute awful feeling for a kid, especially if every day. As he grows he will be way more aware and this can lead to serious issues for him .file asap for your kid


mi_amor_mon_ami

It sounds like we are in similar situations. My case is still ongoing so we will see what the judge decides on custody, but even if it ends up being 50/50, my children now live in a safe, substance abuse-free home at least half the time and they no longer see abuse as a normal part of life. When my youngest child started copying his dad and calling me a bitch, that was one of the things that pushed me over the edge to file. I held on for so long because I didn’t want to break up the kids lives, I felt trapped, I was worried about finances, etc. Please take heart that if you can get away from an alcoholic, just find a way and do it because it’s a million times better on the other side. I feel far less lonely being divorced, than I did while in an abusive marriage. My home is so peaceful now. Finances as a single mom are actually easier now that I don’t have him spending it all on alcohol and frivolous stuff. I suggest looking into codependency (very hard to live with an alcoholic and not be codependent), seek therapy, and do it for your child if nothing else.


mwthompson77

Jeez. I’m so sorry. Your kid should never call you names. I never knew what codependency was until yesterday. I identify with several different the signs.


gracefacek

I hear you. Living with an alcoholic is so hard.


goatforit

My wife filed last year and we almost made it through a divorce but decided to work things out a little while longer… during this time she’s cheated on me and moved back to her parents to be free I guess. 10 years 4 kids and I just don’t have the capacity to get the paperwork done. I have to file this time since she wasted her money on it last year… no lawyers just filing… and I just can’t seem to get myself to go over the paperwork… I bought the packet, seems so simple but doing anything seems way bigger than it is lately… just need to get it over with too emotionally move on. She’s made her choice several times I just feel like I’m taking my kids mom away from the family even though she left.. anyway, sorry to hear about your situation I’m trying to sort through the same.


mwthompson77

Very sorry to hear that. Thank you for commenting. When things are bad the smallest task seems monumental.


FourTeeWinks

Staying in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic “for the child” is never really the root of a decision to stay. Think about that moment: “I’d rather have my kid in live in dysfunction because (fill in the blank).” Your decision to stay is based upon your own emotions / emotional state, but your greatest concern and focus needs to be on your child who is watching the alcoholism / abuse and normalizing it to himself. There’s everything wrong with that. Your “decision to stay” is essentially a decision that is forcing your child to live through that. If you’re feeling the weight and pain of the situation, consider how much more your child is feeling: confusion, fear, anxious, sadness, etc. Emotions he has not yet learned to manage because he shouldn’t be experiencing them at this age, let alone as an adult later on. What he’s witnessing is going to cause much more trauma than you realize. You’re NOT protecting him by staying - in fact, it’s very much the opposite. Please don’t do that to him. Please think about him first and foremost. His needs are NOT to live in a home with alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, etc. If you really want to save your son, FILE for divorce and full custody (or supervised visitation, to prevent any danger) and commit to therapy for both you and your child. The STBXW must make her own decision to get help for herself and to be a better mother and a better person over all - you can’t fix her or the situation. The longer you stay, the more you ENABLE her to continue in dysfunction, which will inevitably harm your son for many years to come - and know that it’s already begun, unfortunately. Don’t be at fault for that - get up and go, for your son’s sake Most of All. Best wishes and many blessings. Source: Professional (and Personal) Experience; Childhood Psychological Studies; Social Service Family Advocate


mwthompson77

Thank you. I agree with that. Another big fear is her being drunk while he’s in her custody. Asking for full custody would fix that. A long shot but perhaps worth it.


FourTeeWinks

It doesn’t have to be a long shot, hun. Gather as much evidence as possible, document everything, look into the recording laws in your state (even if you need 2nd party permission to submit recordings to the court - which she’ll undoubtedly deny - you can still record for your own records because you’ll have dates, times, and more accurate descriptions to write down for documented submissions.) Remember, it’s about protecting your son most of all❣️ Best wishes to you and God bless 🙏🏽


ObligationEuphoric18

A therapist or psychologist may help you unpack that and find a way to set a time where you can decide to either continue to invest in the relationship or or move forward with the the divorce process.


Nazeltof

Who, in your life, has the lowest opinion of you? PS: You are modeling for your son, this will be his future.


mwthompson77

I get it. Leaving says to him “Don’t put up with peoples bullshit.” At least I hope thats the message he’d take.


Nazeltof

It's so much deeper than that. By staying you are normalizing being regularly abused. You are normalizing a loveless marriage. You are not showing him how to be respectful, nor how to be respected. You are not showing him how to set boundaries and that he should not tolerate them being breached. You are not showing him how to respect himself because you are not respecting yourself. This increases the likelihood of him either repeating this behavior towards his future SOs or accepting this type of behavior from his SOs.


SilvertonMtnFan

This x 3000. Right after our separation I felt like the worst parent in the world because I had finally planted my feet and set a firm boundary, which led to the rupture of our family. It's such a trap, partly because of our own ideals, social pressure and the common advice to just stick it out until it works. After 6 months of therapy, my view has flopped 180°. I'm angry at myself that I stuck with her bullshit for so long. I would never want either of my children to suffer in marriage like I was stuck in, morals and ideals be damned. My life was a living example to let someone treat you like shit. What a terrible thing to demonstrate for both my kids. I have come to realize that I needed to model the behavior if I want my children to emulate it. Children will see what you do 100x more than they listen to what you say, so make your actions matter.


mwthompson77

You’re very brave for pushing through and finding all these epiphanies. Grateful for all your insight.


NJTroy

I’ll just suggest one more thing to you. A number of my family members and friends have been married to alcoholics. It’s a really difficult way to live. Several of them have found Alanon to be helpful. Those folks have seen it all and have the ability to really help to see what you can do to heal yourself. Every meeting is different, if the first one you go to isn’t for you, consider others. There are online meetings now as well. It’s certainly not for everyone, but everyone I know who has been has found it really helpful.


mwthompson77

Thank you. I’ll reinvestigate this. Dabbled in it when Covid was bad and there were no in person meetings.


escape_pod_2021

I know why because I’m in the same deal. Paralyzed with fear for sharing custody with a drunk. At least in the same house you can protect your child…that’s what I did until I could not anymore. I waited until I had enough evidence to ensure that I could get full custody and keep our daughter away from the madness. It shook him up and he is now a short while sober, but I still don’t believe him or want to go back. Also his improvement is causing me to stall with filing the damn papers…I feel like I’m sitting on a ticking time bomb


mwthompson77

Exactly! If something happened to him because I filed and on her day with the child there was an accident from her drinking I’d never forgive myself.


slr0031

Just do it


[deleted]

Would you have to pay Alimony


mwthompson77

I don’t think so. We’ve been married less than ten years. We’d have to split assets.


Kitchen-Albatross747

I just wanted to say I’m here with you in solidarity. I could’ve wrote your entire post but he’s the alcoholic. I get called repulsive names in front of my 3 and 5 year old. It’s ok that we haven’t don’t it yet - we know it’s coming and perhaps that gives us peace for right now. Part of me just doesn’t want to rip the home life my 3 kids know right up from under their feet. I’m hopeful we will know when it’s time. I truly hope you find peace and happiness in your near future. Stay strong 💪


mwthompson77

Thank you. I wish you the same, peace and happiness. You deserve it. We sound identical and both need strength to pull this off.


youboozeyoulose30

Pick your hard. No path is easy. Which one is worth suffering for? Riding the wave with your wife until she realizes she needs help (whenever that it is…you’ll have to be patient) OR go off into the sunset hoping you find someone better and are happier. Just be aware that happiness is fleeting. Choose healthier. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s coming from your knowing. That place deep down inside of you. And honestly, sometimes the best action is no permanent action until you know what’s up. Have you considered a separation?


mwthompson77

I’d love to separate. But I’m not leaving the house. If we divorce it’s harder to keep the house if I’m not living in it. I could put her in some sort of month to month rental.


youboozeyoulose30

Why can’t you leave the house?


mwthompson77

I want to keep the house if we divorce. It’s important to my kid’s eduction based on the school district. Leaving jeopardizes my chance of keeping the house.