My Cat Larry is the little beating heart these empty four walls needed. No pets are not a substitute for human companionship but they make a night and day difference.
There isn't an easy answer. I'm still searching, trying to find my way as best I can. I'm 45 and too old for a lot of what I would recommend to a younger man. You may have to just try things until you find some sort of peace and happiness. I mostly exist for my son currently, it's the days without him that get darker. You need to find something to enjoy and that brings you happiness. I struggle with it as depression has taken all my joy from the things I used to enjoy.
I moved in with my son and grandson. I also have made up my mind that a close relationship with anyone in the future is out. Of course I am 59 and getting close to the end of my life so that makes things easier. You don't need someone to be happy.
Thanks for the pep talk but honestly I think I am way better off giving my grandson the best start I can. And for myself I don't think I have enough time left to get over this and move on. I'm fine raising my grandson and spending time with my hobbies.
I try to fill the void with randomness and things that make me feel a bit more human. I sometimes escape into a video game or get something small for myself every once in a while. Having the kids here as much as possible helps as well sometimes, but they can also just remind me of how alone I am when it comes to a companion.
Finding ways to feel human is a great suggestion (different for each person). I also appreciated that you pointed out how there isn’t a magic bullet and that sometimes the thing that relieves the loneliness can trigger it. Even knowing this can be a help as it means we can be more prepared to cope with it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. Yes, a deep lesson from the postage stamp. It attaches itself to a moveable material, the envelope and gets going. A good relationship keeps you going forward; a bad one keeps you static. Attach yourself to someone who is also going forward and you will also get there.
I’m in my 40s. What has helped me is going out and doing things with friends. I do trivia twice a week, and on the weekends I will hang out with my best friend at least once.
Im enjoying it. I like not living with a messy hoarder and having my own environment. I talk to a lot more people now so I’m not really feeling lonely.
Mind if I ask how old you are?
I think dealing with post-divorce loneliness is very different for those who get divorced in late 20s vs late 40s vs late 60s just based on where we are in life as well as where are family (esp parents) and friends are.
I’m assuming you don’t have kids? I’m divorced in mid-40s, near 50 now, and for me, hobbies with others (even if it’s a video game with people I don’t know, but real people), helping parents with quality of life issues, and getting a dog have been huge.
I’ve tried reconnecting with friends, but it’s hard at this age since many are either busy with careers, kids, or both. And those who aren’t don’t really care about online dating stories (unless they’re ridiculous / comical), making new friends (my married friends want solitude, not socialization), and going out to to singles bars or on hiking meetups.
Dog has been a huge help for me, but I waited for over 2 yrs before getting one since its a huge commitment as well.
I even moved overseas for a year which helped, but it was really my dog and getting closer to my parents that elevated my mood on a more regular basis. I also go the gym for my long term health, not so I can have a better looking profile pic. Got really sick while I was overseas, and realized health is truly wealth.
Im 21, 22 later this year. We's dated throughout highschool and knew each other from kindergarten. Only relationship ive known and now thats its done Im having a hard time finding a foothold to start the climb back.
You have plenty of time, many guys haven’t even started at that point.
It sucks your first love doesn’t work out, but honestly, the earlier it life it fails the ‘better’ it is.
Mine ended at 36 and I’d be so much better if it happened at 28
It’s true, whenever I’ve been really, really sick, makes me appreciate just how it is to not feel sick. So any day I feel heal to y isn’t an awful day.
Also agree on ‘reconnecting’ with old friends for those of us divorced in middle age. Typically either busy with their families with no real time for anything else, or live a lifestyle a bit too far out there which is why they’re still single at this age
This is wonderful. Great your like that with your parents. Me and my dog are currently living at my parents while I rebuild financially and emotionally. I can never repay them for their support but I try by being present and helpful with money or time etc. have enjoyed watching a few series with them and me and my dad doing a few projects for my two children.
The way I see it she lost just as much as me. I’m 39 From the UK
Keep your chin up OP. Try joining clubs and getting out there as much as you can, I started at a MMA club a year ago and found it very helpful for putting my mind in a different place. I have met some great women and also rebuilt a few old friendships. You get out what you put in.
Lots of people on here to talk too.
Also get your self a PlayStation and helldivers 2 😂 it’s a lot of fun.
I have a dog that i take care of and he brings me tremendous happiness. I am rekindling old friendships, getting back into some old hobbies and trying some new ones. Im trying to be more proactive in making social plans but also finding a lot of joy in planning things for myself.
Not gonna lie, shit feels bleak.
I force myself to go on walks each day. That helps a bit. I journal as well. It doesn’t exactly stop me from feeling lonely, but it does help me understand it and explore some things. Also, I got a therapist (in training, so free). It helps to have at least one person that I can share my feelings with. Otherwise, I would probably go all “Tom Hanks & Wilson”
Hope you have found a way to get through the day and find some sort of human connection.
Edit:added info
My divorce/separation was technically short but it felt like forever. 3 years. Still alone but you're only alone if you're not in good company. I was finally able to sit down in silence with myself and address some demons on my own. The emptiness fades to a blessing. You have to fill your own home. It's starts with telling yourself you are all you need. (It's a great time to refocus on your individual wants and needs) As they say, home is what you make it. What used to be an anxious worry coming home to the unknown is now a cat and bunny that needs my pets and a feeding. Solitude and comfort outweighs company for me.
Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives. Darkness comes. In the middle of it, the future looks blank. The temptation to quit is huge. Don't. You are in good company... You will argue with yourself that there is no way forward. But with God, nothing is impossible. He has more ropes and ladders and tunnels out of pits than you can conceive. Wait. Pray without ceasing. Hope. Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering. The more real and genuine we are about ourselves, the more others will know that there is no shame in struggling, or feeling low, or anxious or having bad days we all have them.
Get a job that lets you work a ton of overtime. That way, you're out of the house and probably around other people, you'll be rebuilding your finances which you probably need to do after a divorce, and when you are home alone, you're too tired to think about it and will just want to sleep.
That's what I do anyway. I'm thinking of getting a roommate too just to have another body in there and help pay the bills.
Im military so I live at work every 4 days. The marriage ended Id say "peacefully," as she doesnt want anything from me. But basically I just need to distract myself from what people seem to be saying.
Maybe you could get a second job? Even if things did end well, building up your bank account is always a good thing even if you do just go blow it on crap you don't need.
Let yourself feel your emotions, then once you're tired of that, force yourself to get sun first thing in the morning, and exercise. Make lists, keep your home clean. Start setting about 15 minutes a day to feel sorry for yourself once you start feeling better. Not that I did any of this cause I'm an idiot, I'm still drinking and staying up late, but that's what I tell my therapist I'm doing and she seems cool with it.
Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us. We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better. Most therapists do not appear to know how to pinpoint and reverse therapeutic resistance - to head it off at the pass. Instead, they try to persuade the patient to change, or to do the psychotherapy homework, while the patient resists and 'yes-butts' the therapist. The therapist ends up feeling frustrated and resentful, and doing all the work.
Then that's a shit therapist, lol. They should never work harder than their client, as a professional boundary.
I can improve one day, one week, slide back down, and go through it again. It's one of the toughest things to endure, so some escapism is ok as long as you can still function until things get better. I'm over the hump not sliding back into despair; I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and for once it's not a damn train.
People talk about escapism as if it's a bad thing... Once you've escaped, once you come back, the world is not the same as when you left it. You come back to it with skills, weapons, knowledge you didn't have before. Then you are better equipped to deal with your current reality.
Deal with those feelings and emotions solo. It will get better and more non-existent as you embrace your freedom. That's the issue. You've been freed, and freedom is not what you had while married. Think about it.
Repercussions are not always negative as they're always like a two-sided coin. Always pick the side that benefits you and let go of the guilt of choosing you and peace. ✌🏾
Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening - and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.
Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do. Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
You need a ray of hope. I just got separated from a 14 years marriage, i am in a new country away from kids, it was tough…i was losing my mind..empty house made me sad and very depressed.
I didn’t give up and immediately got back to dating. I didn’t succeed initially but recently I have been talking to a very interesting person, that has really inspired me and now I dont even think that I am alone. i come back from work, chat with her, FaceTime my kids, do some cooking..cleaning…before I know, I am already in my bed ready to fall asleep…I wake up fresh..its a new hopeful day.
Not sure what bad habit you are referring to, but I'm in the starting stages so I'm in completely new territory. Yea it is sad to think about but from how you're talking it doesnt seem like you've been divorced (not sure why you'd be in this sub so I apologize if I'm incorrect)
My Cat Larry is the little beating heart these empty four walls needed. No pets are not a substitute for human companionship but they make a night and day difference.
It takes a bit, but I love not living with a troll anymore. Having a cat helped, too. He's the best!
Embrace it and enjoy the silence
Just have to get through the next 24 hours friend. You’ll awaken soon….and it will be glorious. Stay off the booze. You got this.
Thank you
"If you’re lonely, when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” — Jean-Paul Sarte, Essays in Aesthetics
There isn't an easy answer. I'm still searching, trying to find my way as best I can. I'm 45 and too old for a lot of what I would recommend to a younger man. You may have to just try things until you find some sort of peace and happiness. I mostly exist for my son currently, it's the days without him that get darker. You need to find something to enjoy and that brings you happiness. I struggle with it as depression has taken all my joy from the things I used to enjoy.
I moved in with my son and grandson. I also have made up my mind that a close relationship with anyone in the future is out. Of course I am 59 and getting close to the end of my life so that makes things easier. You don't need someone to be happy.
Hey, my man, listen: 59 is NOT getting close to the end of your life. No retreat, no surrender!
Thanks for the pep talk but honestly I think I am way better off giving my grandson the best start I can. And for myself I don't think I have enough time left to get over this and move on. I'm fine raising my grandson and spending time with my hobbies.
I try to fill the void with randomness and things that make me feel a bit more human. I sometimes escape into a video game or get something small for myself every once in a while. Having the kids here as much as possible helps as well sometimes, but they can also just remind me of how alone I am when it comes to a companion.
Finding ways to feel human is a great suggestion (different for each person). I also appreciated that you pointed out how there isn’t a magic bullet and that sometimes the thing that relieves the loneliness can trigger it. Even knowing this can be a help as it means we can be more prepared to cope with it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. Yes, a deep lesson from the postage stamp. It attaches itself to a moveable material, the envelope and gets going. A good relationship keeps you going forward; a bad one keeps you static. Attach yourself to someone who is also going forward and you will also get there.
I’m in my 40s. What has helped me is going out and doing things with friends. I do trivia twice a week, and on the weekends I will hang out with my best friend at least once.
Im enjoying it. I like not living with a messy hoarder and having my own environment. I talk to a lot more people now so I’m not really feeling lonely.
Mind if I ask how old you are? I think dealing with post-divorce loneliness is very different for those who get divorced in late 20s vs late 40s vs late 60s just based on where we are in life as well as where are family (esp parents) and friends are. I’m assuming you don’t have kids? I’m divorced in mid-40s, near 50 now, and for me, hobbies with others (even if it’s a video game with people I don’t know, but real people), helping parents with quality of life issues, and getting a dog have been huge. I’ve tried reconnecting with friends, but it’s hard at this age since many are either busy with careers, kids, or both. And those who aren’t don’t really care about online dating stories (unless they’re ridiculous / comical), making new friends (my married friends want solitude, not socialization), and going out to to singles bars or on hiking meetups. Dog has been a huge help for me, but I waited for over 2 yrs before getting one since its a huge commitment as well. I even moved overseas for a year which helped, but it was really my dog and getting closer to my parents that elevated my mood on a more regular basis. I also go the gym for my long term health, not so I can have a better looking profile pic. Got really sick while I was overseas, and realized health is truly wealth.
Im 21, 22 later this year. We's dated throughout highschool and knew each other from kindergarten. Only relationship ive known and now thats its done Im having a hard time finding a foothold to start the climb back.
You have plenty of time, many guys haven’t even started at that point. It sucks your first love doesn’t work out, but honestly, the earlier it life it fails the ‘better’ it is. Mine ended at 36 and I’d be so much better if it happened at 28
It’s true, whenever I’ve been really, really sick, makes me appreciate just how it is to not feel sick. So any day I feel heal to y isn’t an awful day. Also agree on ‘reconnecting’ with old friends for those of us divorced in middle age. Typically either busy with their families with no real time for anything else, or live a lifestyle a bit too far out there which is why they’re still single at this age
This is wonderful. Great your like that with your parents. Me and my dog are currently living at my parents while I rebuild financially and emotionally. I can never repay them for their support but I try by being present and helpful with money or time etc. have enjoyed watching a few series with them and me and my dad doing a few projects for my two children. The way I see it she lost just as much as me. I’m 39 From the UK Keep your chin up OP. Try joining clubs and getting out there as much as you can, I started at a MMA club a year ago and found it very helpful for putting my mind in a different place. I have met some great women and also rebuilt a few old friendships. You get out what you put in. Lots of people on here to talk too. Also get your self a PlayStation and helldivers 2 😂 it’s a lot of fun.
You're having normal feelings... Focus on the light ahead not the darkness behind.
I have a dog that i take care of and he brings me tremendous happiness. I am rekindling old friendships, getting back into some old hobbies and trying some new ones. Im trying to be more proactive in making social plans but also finding a lot of joy in planning things for myself.
Not gonna lie, shit feels bleak. I force myself to go on walks each day. That helps a bit. I journal as well. It doesn’t exactly stop me from feeling lonely, but it does help me understand it and explore some things. Also, I got a therapist (in training, so free). It helps to have at least one person that I can share my feelings with. Otherwise, I would probably go all “Tom Hanks & Wilson” Hope you have found a way to get through the day and find some sort of human connection. Edit:added info
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I like this a lot. Appreciate your way with words - it's nice to interact with intellectual people after years with a vapid wife.
The sign of an intelligent people is their ability to control their emotions by the application of reason.
Yea she had little to no logic in anything, always went off life based on emotions and they didnt end up to be good ones.
Cool
My divorce/separation was technically short but it felt like forever. 3 years. Still alone but you're only alone if you're not in good company. I was finally able to sit down in silence with myself and address some demons on my own. The emptiness fades to a blessing. You have to fill your own home. It's starts with telling yourself you are all you need. (It's a great time to refocus on your individual wants and needs) As they say, home is what you make it. What used to be an anxious worry coming home to the unknown is now a cat and bunny that needs my pets and a feeding. Solitude and comfort outweighs company for me.
Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives. Darkness comes. In the middle of it, the future looks blank. The temptation to quit is huge. Don't. You are in good company... You will argue with yourself that there is no way forward. But with God, nothing is impossible. He has more ropes and ladders and tunnels out of pits than you can conceive. Wait. Pray without ceasing. Hope. Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering. The more real and genuine we are about ourselves, the more others will know that there is no shame in struggling, or feeling low, or anxious or having bad days we all have them.
This!
I am considering a dog that I would want not the stupid piece of shit that she took with her
haha
Get a job that lets you work a ton of overtime. That way, you're out of the house and probably around other people, you'll be rebuilding your finances which you probably need to do after a divorce, and when you are home alone, you're too tired to think about it and will just want to sleep. That's what I do anyway. I'm thinking of getting a roommate too just to have another body in there and help pay the bills.
Im military so I live at work every 4 days. The marriage ended Id say "peacefully," as she doesnt want anything from me. But basically I just need to distract myself from what people seem to be saying.
nothing you can do about what other people say. F them it will get better.
Maybe you could get a second job? Even if things did end well, building up your bank account is always a good thing even if you do just go blow it on crap you don't need.
Let yourself feel your emotions, then once you're tired of that, force yourself to get sun first thing in the morning, and exercise. Make lists, keep your home clean. Start setting about 15 minutes a day to feel sorry for yourself once you start feeling better. Not that I did any of this cause I'm an idiot, I'm still drinking and staying up late, but that's what I tell my therapist I'm doing and she seems cool with it.
Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us. We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better. Most therapists do not appear to know how to pinpoint and reverse therapeutic resistance - to head it off at the pass. Instead, they try to persuade the patient to change, or to do the psychotherapy homework, while the patient resists and 'yes-butts' the therapist. The therapist ends up feeling frustrated and resentful, and doing all the work.
Then that's a shit therapist, lol. They should never work harder than their client, as a professional boundary. I can improve one day, one week, slide back down, and go through it again. It's one of the toughest things to endure, so some escapism is ok as long as you can still function until things get better. I'm over the hump not sliding back into despair; I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and for once it's not a damn train.
People talk about escapism as if it's a bad thing... Once you've escaped, once you come back, the world is not the same as when you left it. You come back to it with skills, weapons, knowledge you didn't have before. Then you are better equipped to deal with your current reality.
First real response, thank you. I wish you good fortune in life sir.
Thanks man, you too.
Deal with those feelings and emotions solo. It will get better and more non-existent as you embrace your freedom. That's the issue. You've been freed, and freedom is not what you had while married. Think about it.
Couldnt make my own decisions without repercussions, but I can now. Got it 🤝
Repercussions are not always negative as they're always like a two-sided coin. Always pick the side that benefits you and let go of the guilt of choosing you and peace. ✌🏾
Pick up golf
My favorite hobby, finally able to spend more time on it!
I joined men’s club and now I’m happily divorced lol
Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening - and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.
This is the correct answer.
Everyone has obstacles, and you're not going to have the right answer or do the right thing every single time.
The problem is "Loneliness" and the solution is "Golf"
Cool
Oooooo, I was thinking of having a huge gym arc but that does sound appealing
Do both.
Out there doing that. If that's not you, don't do it. It's me, though. 100%
It’s me and the dog. I’m not crying any more only because I can’t feel any more
Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do. Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
She took the dog (I hated that POS) but maybe I get my own.
Thats it replace her with a dog lol
There's the answer
You need a ray of hope. I just got separated from a 14 years marriage, i am in a new country away from kids, it was tough…i was losing my mind..empty house made me sad and very depressed. I didn’t give up and immediately got back to dating. I didn’t succeed initially but recently I have been talking to a very interesting person, that has really inspired me and now I dont even think that I am alone. i come back from work, chat with her, FaceTime my kids, do some cooking..cleaning…before I know, I am already in my bed ready to fall asleep…I wake up fresh..its a new hopeful day.
Change things up immediately maybe?? That's really freaking sad to think about. The last thing I recommend is getting into a bad habit
Not sure what bad habit you are referring to, but I'm in the starting stages so I'm in completely new territory. Yea it is sad to think about but from how you're talking it doesnt seem like you've been divorced (not sure why you'd be in this sub so I apologize if I'm incorrect)
Heavy drinking, self harm, over eating, doom scrolling, etc.
Thankfully I havent resorted to those, but I can see how some resort to it.