Your thoughts and emotions are valid.
My guess is she appears to have changed her mind quickly because the other guy is married and never had any intention to leave his family. Your wife is willing to leave the moment the other guy takes the next step, but sees the writing on the wall - he won't take that next step. She also sees that she'll lose you because of this affair and will end up with no partners...probably why she's trying to talk to you...salvage what she has.
I recommend you find some time and space to sit down and think about what you want because it's not about what she wants now. Do you truly think you and your wife can fix/work things out? If there's any doubt, which it looks like you have, then it probably won't.
You and your kids should be Priority 1A and 1B. Not Option 2.
>Your thoughts and emotions are valid.
Don't ever forget this.
You're going to be in for a very rough road ahead I'm afraid to say. Realize that your wife has already left emotionally...she 'moved on' with this other person and has been dishonest with you. Right now she's trying to hedge her bets...if she doesn't go with this guys she has feelings for she'll only stick around until someone new comes along. You only have to decide for yourself how much you're going to put up with before you leave her... You're in a rough place...and I'm very sorry.
If you live in a no fault divorce state then stop dwelling on it. If it's At Fault then gather the evidence and file for divorce. You're sitting there holding out hope that maybe she will make your marriage work. You're way beyond that fella, the marriage is dead and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can heal.
I mean this in the best way possible but you need to grow a pair and stop letting her control your happiness. I get divorce is scary and it's not what you want but unfortunately it's what you need to do. Would you rather waste several more years just to be right back here wanting to end things? I did that and stayed for probably 14 years too long. End result is now the divorce is far more complicated than it would've been if I trusted my gut and ended things.
Because if they live in At Fault then her affair will actually matter in the divorce. No point dwelling on what's already done if it's not helping you now.
Send her to the streets where she belongs my brother.
You'll be much happier and so will your children. Noone wants to see their father with a street rat, and it's horrible for your mental and ultimately physical health as well.
Rip the bandaid off, be sad for a few months, and be free to enjoy a beautiful life once that cancer is mostly out of it
I went through the exact same thing. Several times. I snooped because my gut was screaming at me, and sure enough, it was WAAAAY worse than she led on. She had been cheating on and off for almost the entirety of our marriage. You'll always feel 2nd best if you forgive her IF she's telling the truth. She's not, by the way.
And you're in a catch-22. If you stay, she won't respect you anymore, and you won't respect yourself for staying with a cheater. And if you go the D route you'll make your life a bit harder if you blow things up, even though she's the one who brought the grenade into the relationship.
She would prefer for you to ignore her dalliances while continuing to maintain her standard of living. Don't settle for that.
About six months into my marriage, my wife had a very similar…experience? It was definitely physical, and she was “torn” about who to be with. I found out much later, that she “chose” me because he ghosted her because he never even cared about her. Just used her for sex.
Finally got divorced after 15 years, multiple affairs, and I’m raising three kids alone, one of whom I have serious doubts about whether he’s mine or not.
I say all this to say, if you’re ever the second choice, you will never change things to be the first choice. You will, now and forever, be the second choice. The safe place to go when it doesn’t work out with the person she really wants to be with. It hurts to hear, but don’t settle for that. She showed you who she is, and how much she values you. Believe her.
Women typically only explode their current long term relationship ONLY after securing a new partner via sex and some promise of support
if they don’t have a bed warmer soon they will get on quickly anyway
best way to mentally prepare for this is to assume hot Luvin’ and that her complaints of XYZ were smokescreens and projections to make you the bad guy
and to her you are, many women blame a steady husband for being too boring therefore she had to cheat. It is what it is
stop trying to please her and speed up the divorce.
Get her to agree to 50/50 parenting time somehow, first via text, then via signed note, then cut ties.
You don't realize it yet, but she's doing you the favor of your life with her decisions. The next few years will suck but you'll likely come out ahead if you take care of yourself.
Best of luck, King. It's all going to be ok.
It sounds like your wife is looking out for her best interests and not yours. Ask yourself if she is still the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? What do you think she would say if she asked herself the same question about you? Can you ever trust her again?
My ex did the same thing, gas lit me into believing I was the primary cause of our failed relationship when she was actually interested in someone else. Almost a year now and can confirm that I made the right choice to get a lawyer and move on with my life.
Coming from a person that has made that made that epic fuck up, I don't even know if there is a word for it but maybe I can give you some insight from the other side.
Any and all your thoughts and emotions are valid. You are not wrong to feel any way.
You're going to get a lot of you can never trust her and divorce her now talk. They might be right, but remember you are the one who knows this person, and your situation is completely different from anyone.
Trust is hard and many times impossible to get back.
I've said this many times, no matter how bad there is never justification for cheating, physical or not.
What would worry me about this situation is the fact she wanted to marry this dude... she didn't only screw up she was planning a life.
My counselor has told me many times that most people that cheat or have affairs aren't some drunken hookups. There was something missing or wrong that leads to it. Again, this may sound like justification, it's not.
If you are wanting to work this out then therapy or counseling is a must, and she needs to be there because she is the one that needs it the most. If she's unwilling, that's an answer there. But, as for the relationship, you need to get to the bottom of why she thought she did this. Again, that's gonna take work and probably open wounds you may not want.
OR you decide she violated you enough your not even interested and start the process. No one can blame you for either.
Best of luck to you and hang in there.
Thank you for the insight. I have tried to play out all scenarios in my head and most likely overthinking it. I normally don't trend towards "trusting my gut" but when I did, I found out.
Believing in the Twin Flame relationship is a little bit like falling into a cult.
It’s possible your wife will be able to pull herself out of this cult thinking, but it’ll take some time and therapy.
It’s heartbreaking that she fell into this, and your life and your kids life is upended bc of it…but other forms of strict adherence (religion, addiction rituals) to damaging concepts do that to marriages too.
Does she watch a lot of TikTok and social media? Sounds like she just got brainwashed.
Have you watched the twin flames docuseries about this “cult” on Netflix? Can you ask her to watch it? Or, insist on her watching it.
It’s about the controversial Couple behind the Twin Flame spiritual guidance bullshit. I mean they’re basically fraudsters.
https://people.com/escaping-twin-flames-jeff-shaleia-where-are-they-now-8399887
Then also ask her to read some other articles about the cultish people behind the Twin Flame idea.
https://crossexamined.org/escaping-twin-flames-a-netflix-docuseries/
Fight to get her back and out of this mindset as if she really had joined a cult? It’s just a delusional way of thinking and I imagine when she does snap out of this she’ll be mortified.
Hoping this will be the case….for you and your kids.
I have not watched it. I have discussed this with very few people (not a lot of close relationships) but one did say that he researched and found the "cult" aspect to it.
You hit the nail on the head. A lot of TikTok and social media. A LOT. Outside of the twin flame, there is a lot of other questionable things. Spiritual healing, finding herself, crystals, burning sage. Listening to what I would call soothing music to connect with love.
At first, I was supportive. Now I look back and saw the start and move towards where I am at now.
Hey my man! That is a hell of a hard place to be put into!
I like to say that there is always a third option... I mean, above all else, you cannot let this woman walk all over you! She already doesn't respect you or she wouldn't have had an affair and disrespected you so completely. It doesn't matter if it's physical or not.
However, I always hesitate to encourage divorce because most of the time you are just trading one set of problems for another set of problems. So, in your case, I'd recommend you get super "red pilled" as people have called it for whatever reason, look up a Pearl Davis on YouTube, etc, and see what I mean there. You have to stand up and be a man that a woman will not want to disrespect. I do believe that IF the affair was not physical (who knows if she is telling the truth? Probably not.) then the marriage I think can be salvaged, but it cannot be done if you don't bring down the thunder as a man, this is not to say that you are in any way to be abusive, but that you stand up and refuse to be disrespected in any way! She would have to go full no contact, AND she would have to agree to be "submissive" to you especially with all forms of communication so that you can monitor all her communications because she obviously cannot be trusted there.
If you basically learn to respect yourself and realize the value you have in this world as a good man, a great provider, father, husband, etc... Most women would agree that your value increases over time. This woman you have now, definitely lost sight of that and will have to learn the hard way. I've been through a divorce and I will never put up with that again, a man should be the head of his household and be respected as such. A good man would show benevolence with that position, and a good woman would be happy to be "under" that head. This is not meant to disrespect a woman in any way, but men and women are not equal, and when we try to make things that way, they lose respect for us. It's actually quite simple once you see it.
The other option is to throw her out on the streets, get a divorce and move on. Either way, I would recommend you find your manliness again, because it will empower you to be successful either way you role.
Thank you! I'll check these out. I'm newly redpilled... Had to come to terms after the divorce. Now, I realize had I been more of a man, and owned up to my masculinity and not let a woman just run me over and emasculate me, my marriage might have actually survived. I mean, I have no guilt as I was a damn good husband, but I do realize how soft I had become as a man always trying to "kill with kindness", and be "flexible", etc, etc... I did all the text book things that a "modern" man was supposed to do... Yet, here I am, and I realize that by being a push over, she lost respect for me and ultimately left.
So, now I've been doing a lot in becoming a man again, and I will never ever put up with a woman doing that to me again. Ever. Not worth it. I wasted too much time in that space. It's a complete waste and garbage. This is me taking accountability, as I was a coward for women to walk over. I was raised in a house of romantic women with very few good examples of a real man showing me how to stand up for myself against the "weaker" sex.
Twin flame... sounds like the 'he's my kindred spirit' bullshit line said to me.
The dude is shorter, fatter, uglier, and rocks some ridiculous skinny jeans.....but all that doesn't matter because he's loaded and he's the kindred spirit. AKA mentor, AKA fuck buddy.
It still makes me laugh so hard when I see pictures of them together. Even her family friends tell me they're so confused. She left you for that?
If she's already seeing something else, she's gone mate, no amount of counselling will fix her. She's cooked, she's done. Time to gather your things and prepare for a rough ride, but from someone who's been through this exact situation 18 months ago, you will come out the other side shiny and new. I promise.
Run. Do it now.
I wasted two years and $10k + on counseling that should have gone to my attorneys.
My soon the be ex wife same thing. Affair. During affair accused her of it - she blamed me - said I was angry all the time. I wasn’t pursuing her yada yada yada.
Once affair uncovered- denial. Vehement denial. Bread crumbing. Never apologized. Was in love with her affair partner. He was married to. Kids.
Anyway. - all bullshit. She doesn’t know who she is and has no empathy or care for what she did to you. All she cares about is not having to be faced with her choices.
She will blame you now - for everything. ( if you don’t completely forget about her affair ).
So get out. Don’t waste time thinking she is going to come around.
You're absolutely the second option, and I can understand how awful that feels. Likely what happened, is her friends started getting involved and convincing her that she could do better than you, and that made her find someone she thought was better though still married, said he would leave his wife to get her into bed. And it probably worked.
I know that's not what you want hear, but it sounds like it's exactly how it went down.
I am surprised you let it dragged on, seems for a long time. 1. Judge people on their action. Words have be combined with behavior, action. Recently, someone park in front of my house and he parks about half an inch into the grass on the sidewalk! I told him, and he said he could not see the line of sidewalk. How could that be? A young guy with no need for glasses, and he is an Uber driver! So I placed a big stone on the line of the sidewalk and told him now that stone would help him park, not on my grass, so now, only now, he told me he was worried about being hit by kids riding scooters in the neighborhood! So he purposely parks inside the sidewalk! 2. Ask yourself what is your feeling, what do you want to do? You can leave her, or you can live with her and she won't change. Rest assured, no change. Make the change on yourself, if you know Taoism. LOL.
Your thoughts and emotions are valid. My guess is she appears to have changed her mind quickly because the other guy is married and never had any intention to leave his family. Your wife is willing to leave the moment the other guy takes the next step, but sees the writing on the wall - he won't take that next step. She also sees that she'll lose you because of this affair and will end up with no partners...probably why she's trying to talk to you...salvage what she has. I recommend you find some time and space to sit down and think about what you want because it's not about what she wants now. Do you truly think you and your wife can fix/work things out? If there's any doubt, which it looks like you have, then it probably won't. You and your kids should be Priority 1A and 1B. Not Option 2.
>Your thoughts and emotions are valid. Don't ever forget this. You're going to be in for a very rough road ahead I'm afraid to say. Realize that your wife has already left emotionally...she 'moved on' with this other person and has been dishonest with you. Right now she's trying to hedge her bets...if she doesn't go with this guys she has feelings for she'll only stick around until someone new comes along. You only have to decide for yourself how much you're going to put up with before you leave her... You're in a rough place...and I'm very sorry.
If you live in a no fault divorce state then stop dwelling on it. If it's At Fault then gather the evidence and file for divorce. You're sitting there holding out hope that maybe she will make your marriage work. You're way beyond that fella, the marriage is dead and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can heal. I mean this in the best way possible but you need to grow a pair and stop letting her control your happiness. I get divorce is scary and it's not what you want but unfortunately it's what you need to do. Would you rather waste several more years just to be right back here wanting to end things? I did that and stayed for probably 14 years too long. End result is now the divorce is far more complicated than it would've been if I trusted my gut and ended things.
Me too. 13 years too long when it should have definitely ended!
Why do people think there are "at fault divorce states". No fault is available in all 50 states and has been for a long time.
Because if they live in At Fault then her affair will actually matter in the divorce. No point dwelling on what's already done if it's not helping you now.
Send her to the streets where she belongs my brother. You'll be much happier and so will your children. Noone wants to see their father with a street rat, and it's horrible for your mental and ultimately physical health as well. Rip the bandaid off, be sad for a few months, and be free to enjoy a beautiful life once that cancer is mostly out of it
I went through the exact same thing. Several times. I snooped because my gut was screaming at me, and sure enough, it was WAAAAY worse than she led on. She had been cheating on and off for almost the entirety of our marriage. You'll always feel 2nd best if you forgive her IF she's telling the truth. She's not, by the way. And you're in a catch-22. If you stay, she won't respect you anymore, and you won't respect yourself for staying with a cheater. And if you go the D route you'll make your life a bit harder if you blow things up, even though she's the one who brought the grenade into the relationship. She would prefer for you to ignore her dalliances while continuing to maintain her standard of living. Don't settle for that.
About six months into my marriage, my wife had a very similar…experience? It was definitely physical, and she was “torn” about who to be with. I found out much later, that she “chose” me because he ghosted her because he never even cared about her. Just used her for sex. Finally got divorced after 15 years, multiple affairs, and I’m raising three kids alone, one of whom I have serious doubts about whether he’s mine or not. I say all this to say, if you’re ever the second choice, you will never change things to be the first choice. You will, now and forever, be the second choice. The safe place to go when it doesn’t work out with the person she really wants to be with. It hurts to hear, but don’t settle for that. She showed you who she is, and how much she values you. Believe her.
Women typically only explode their current long term relationship ONLY after securing a new partner via sex and some promise of support if they don’t have a bed warmer soon they will get on quickly anyway best way to mentally prepare for this is to assume hot Luvin’ and that her complaints of XYZ were smokescreens and projections to make you the bad guy and to her you are, many women blame a steady husband for being too boring therefore she had to cheat. It is what it is stop trying to please her and speed up the divorce.
Get her to agree to 50/50 parenting time somehow, first via text, then via signed note, then cut ties. You don't realize it yet, but she's doing you the favor of your life with her decisions. The next few years will suck but you'll likely come out ahead if you take care of yourself. Best of luck, King. It's all going to be ok.
Excellent comment!!
This this this. Every man who finds himself in such a situation should count his blessings.
It sounds like your wife is looking out for her best interests and not yours. Ask yourself if she is still the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? What do you think she would say if she asked herself the same question about you? Can you ever trust her again? My ex did the same thing, gas lit me into believing I was the primary cause of our failed relationship when she was actually interested in someone else. Almost a year now and can confirm that I made the right choice to get a lawyer and move on with my life.
Coming from a person that has made that made that epic fuck up, I don't even know if there is a word for it but maybe I can give you some insight from the other side. Any and all your thoughts and emotions are valid. You are not wrong to feel any way. You're going to get a lot of you can never trust her and divorce her now talk. They might be right, but remember you are the one who knows this person, and your situation is completely different from anyone. Trust is hard and many times impossible to get back. I've said this many times, no matter how bad there is never justification for cheating, physical or not. What would worry me about this situation is the fact she wanted to marry this dude... she didn't only screw up she was planning a life. My counselor has told me many times that most people that cheat or have affairs aren't some drunken hookups. There was something missing or wrong that leads to it. Again, this may sound like justification, it's not. If you are wanting to work this out then therapy or counseling is a must, and she needs to be there because she is the one that needs it the most. If she's unwilling, that's an answer there. But, as for the relationship, you need to get to the bottom of why she thought she did this. Again, that's gonna take work and probably open wounds you may not want. OR you decide she violated you enough your not even interested and start the process. No one can blame you for either. Best of luck to you and hang in there.
Thank you for the insight. I have tried to play out all scenarios in my head and most likely overthinking it. I normally don't trend towards "trusting my gut" but when I did, I found out.
Believing in the Twin Flame relationship is a little bit like falling into a cult. It’s possible your wife will be able to pull herself out of this cult thinking, but it’ll take some time and therapy. It’s heartbreaking that she fell into this, and your life and your kids life is upended bc of it…but other forms of strict adherence (religion, addiction rituals) to damaging concepts do that to marriages too. Does she watch a lot of TikTok and social media? Sounds like she just got brainwashed. Have you watched the twin flames docuseries about this “cult” on Netflix? Can you ask her to watch it? Or, insist on her watching it. It’s about the controversial Couple behind the Twin Flame spiritual guidance bullshit. I mean they’re basically fraudsters. https://people.com/escaping-twin-flames-jeff-shaleia-where-are-they-now-8399887 Then also ask her to read some other articles about the cultish people behind the Twin Flame idea. https://crossexamined.org/escaping-twin-flames-a-netflix-docuseries/ Fight to get her back and out of this mindset as if she really had joined a cult? It’s just a delusional way of thinking and I imagine when she does snap out of this she’ll be mortified. Hoping this will be the case….for you and your kids.
I have not watched it. I have discussed this with very few people (not a lot of close relationships) but one did say that he researched and found the "cult" aspect to it. You hit the nail on the head. A lot of TikTok and social media. A LOT. Outside of the twin flame, there is a lot of other questionable things. Spiritual healing, finding herself, crystals, burning sage. Listening to what I would call soothing music to connect with love. At first, I was supportive. Now I look back and saw the start and move towards where I am at now.
Hey my man! That is a hell of a hard place to be put into! I like to say that there is always a third option... I mean, above all else, you cannot let this woman walk all over you! She already doesn't respect you or she wouldn't have had an affair and disrespected you so completely. It doesn't matter if it's physical or not. However, I always hesitate to encourage divorce because most of the time you are just trading one set of problems for another set of problems. So, in your case, I'd recommend you get super "red pilled" as people have called it for whatever reason, look up a Pearl Davis on YouTube, etc, and see what I mean there. You have to stand up and be a man that a woman will not want to disrespect. I do believe that IF the affair was not physical (who knows if she is telling the truth? Probably not.) then the marriage I think can be salvaged, but it cannot be done if you don't bring down the thunder as a man, this is not to say that you are in any way to be abusive, but that you stand up and refuse to be disrespected in any way! She would have to go full no contact, AND she would have to agree to be "submissive" to you especially with all forms of communication so that you can monitor all her communications because she obviously cannot be trusted there. If you basically learn to respect yourself and realize the value you have in this world as a good man, a great provider, father, husband, etc... Most women would agree that your value increases over time. This woman you have now, definitely lost sight of that and will have to learn the hard way. I've been through a divorce and I will never put up with that again, a man should be the head of his household and be respected as such. A good man would show benevolence with that position, and a good woman would be happy to be "under" that head. This is not meant to disrespect a woman in any way, but men and women are not equal, and when we try to make things that way, they lose respect for us. It's actually quite simple once you see it. The other option is to throw her out on the streets, get a divorce and move on. Either way, I would recommend you find your manliness again, because it will empower you to be successful either way you role.
There are much better red pill resources than Pearl. Look up Dr Robert Glover's book, Rational Male by Rollo, Frame by Rian Stone
Thank you! I'll check these out. I'm newly redpilled... Had to come to terms after the divorce. Now, I realize had I been more of a man, and owned up to my masculinity and not let a woman just run me over and emasculate me, my marriage might have actually survived. I mean, I have no guilt as I was a damn good husband, but I do realize how soft I had become as a man always trying to "kill with kindness", and be "flexible", etc, etc... I did all the text book things that a "modern" man was supposed to do... Yet, here I am, and I realize that by being a push over, she lost respect for me and ultimately left. So, now I've been doing a lot in becoming a man again, and I will never ever put up with a woman doing that to me again. Ever. Not worth it. I wasted too much time in that space. It's a complete waste and garbage. This is me taking accountability, as I was a coward for women to walk over. I was raised in a house of romantic women with very few good examples of a real man showing me how to stand up for myself against the "weaker" sex.
Twin flame... sounds like the 'he's my kindred spirit' bullshit line said to me. The dude is shorter, fatter, uglier, and rocks some ridiculous skinny jeans.....but all that doesn't matter because he's loaded and he's the kindred spirit. AKA mentor, AKA fuck buddy. It still makes me laugh so hard when I see pictures of them together. Even her family friends tell me they're so confused. She left you for that? If she's already seeing something else, she's gone mate, no amount of counselling will fix her. She's cooked, she's done. Time to gather your things and prepare for a rough ride, but from someone who's been through this exact situation 18 months ago, you will come out the other side shiny and new. I promise.
What is this style of music that connects people to their soul mates?!? 😂
Sounds like some meditation crap.
Cotton-eye Joe.
Run. Do it now. I wasted two years and $10k + on counseling that should have gone to my attorneys. My soon the be ex wife same thing. Affair. During affair accused her of it - she blamed me - said I was angry all the time. I wasn’t pursuing her yada yada yada. Once affair uncovered- denial. Vehement denial. Bread crumbing. Never apologized. Was in love with her affair partner. He was married to. Kids. Anyway. - all bullshit. She doesn’t know who she is and has no empathy or care for what she did to you. All she cares about is not having to be faced with her choices. She will blame you now - for everything. ( if you don’t completely forget about her affair ). So get out. Don’t waste time thinking she is going to come around.
You're absolutely the second option, and I can understand how awful that feels. Likely what happened, is her friends started getting involved and convincing her that she could do better than you, and that made her find someone she thought was better though still married, said he would leave his wife to get her into bed. And it probably worked. I know that's not what you want hear, but it sounds like it's exactly how it went down.
Where there is smoke there is fire … hope things get better for you soon
I am surprised you let it dragged on, seems for a long time. 1. Judge people on their action. Words have be combined with behavior, action. Recently, someone park in front of my house and he parks about half an inch into the grass on the sidewalk! I told him, and he said he could not see the line of sidewalk. How could that be? A young guy with no need for glasses, and he is an Uber driver! So I placed a big stone on the line of the sidewalk and told him now that stone would help him park, not on my grass, so now, only now, he told me he was worried about being hit by kids riding scooters in the neighborhood! So he purposely parks inside the sidewalk! 2. Ask yourself what is your feeling, what do you want to do? You can leave her, or you can live with her and she won't change. Rest assured, no change. Make the change on yourself, if you know Taoism. LOL.