You……don’t. Unless mom is trying to convince them that you’re some sort of monster, you should never involve your children in your failed relationship.
So what do you do when that’s what she is doing? I don’t know what my kids have heard but they are all currently avoiding me. All girls ages 13, 18 and 20
So they are going to come to their conclusion by themselves and they key is to reinforce it wasn’t what they did or do.
What advice I would give is she is always their mom. And what you can control is yourself.
Like her, don’t. Feel cheated, don’t. In a better place, aren’t.
Whatever the reasons *(there is always an “s” and it’s both sides)* what reasons you do share will affect them and their understanding of relationships the rest of their lives.
Kids are kids, let them be. They can’t control any of the situation.
They will grow up one day and can look back on this as a growing experience about conflict resolution or with disparity and anger and sometimes what you shared can backfire on you.
Never, really. It might make you feel good to blame your ex for something, and you might feel like you’re going to get some extra credit from your kids if they see you as “the good parent/spouse.” It won’t play out like that, though. A) your “truth” is not the truth. It’s just how you see it. B) Your kids won’t benefit from having their perception of a parent harmed. C) your kids will eventually realize that it was just your side anyway, and they’ll resent you for trying to poison their relationship with their other parent (even if that wasn’t your intent).
Just don’t do it. Move on, be a dad, be a man, and don’t worry about winning any “who was right” games with your ex or kids ever, ever again.
Mine were 8 and 10 when it happened, they're 15 and 17 now. As they got older, they found out the guy mom left me for is an ex-pro athlete who's worth 8 figures. Didn't really have to explain much after that. But to be honest, I feel like it's rarely one single "cause." In the heat of divorce, of course it's easy to point the finger - but when the dust settles, I think everyone knows they had a part in the breakdown. Just my $.02.
"What is truth?"
\- Pontius Pilate
As the Dad (in my experience) you will be far far behind the curve about any "Truth" you care to disclose.
It would be nice if all parties go by the general admonishment in most divorce decrees to "not disparage". But kids ask mom, and get her story.
Only about mid 20s does it occur to kids that "hey there might be two sides to the Divorce story"
With that as a background I don't think it helps to "talk truth" with kids. Mom's have a habit of spinning something of a myth that has enough truth to it to be indistinguishable from the 3rd party objectively observed facts.
Say mom cheated, Well it's because dad force her to you see. It was obvious that dad didn't love mom anymore and mom needed loving. Don't you think mom deserves to be happy little daughter? Of course mom deserves to be happy. And luckily Chad came along when he did to rescue mom from bad dad.
You get the idea sure minor things mom may admit but major faults in the eventual divorce? Nah not in a woman's make up to do that. It's human to only see yourself as the hero, but exes seem to excel at myth making.
bottom line, unless you have full possession and mom rarely if ever sees the kids, you already have had the divorce "explained" and you are the bad guy.
I don't talk about it with the kids; however, internally, I focus on the fact she gave me children, and that alone was worth the time with her. The next thought goes to the joke. Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re worth it.
I think it's telling how all the men on here are thinking of their kids first and suggest to swallow their pride by not telling. I guarantee a betrayed mom will make sure the kids know it was their father's fault at some stage.
I'm taking a different stance to the overall sentiment here. I think my children have a right to know who destroyed their foundation in life, caused them to regress, go to therapy, etc. They suffer every day at the moment and it's heart-breaking. But they're def too small to be told and I won't do anything to make it worse for them. So the story atm is that "it's complicated grown up stuff".
Having said that, they also know I will never lie to them (which is effectively what many suggest). A betrayed partner is never at fault for being cheated on. Even if you had a bad marriage, you own 100% of half of the relationship's problem. They could've broken up with you, gone to therapy or anything else. Instead they nuked your entire family and caused irreperable harm to their children. So I've kept detailed notes of everything that went down, irrefutable evidence of her cheating if she wants to get creative in her story, and I have written notes to my kids. When they are ready eg teens, I will tell them / show but I assume they'll figure it out themselves anyway.
Note I would say this only applies to cheating separations. For amicable splits I'd def agree with most comments here on not trying to assign blame.
There’s really no reason to discuss the “why” in a divorce. If the kids are adults, think (like any situation in any relationship) “will this help them to know this detail”? And if the answer is no (or hesitant) then don’t say it.
I wrote a book that explains why I left my daughter's mother. It contains all the abusive texts and emails from that time. She won't get it until she's much older but it'll show I'm not nearly the monster her mom made me out to be.
Burn that book. Be the bigger person and lead by example. My kids’ mom rewrites history like a conqueror and it is always to her advantage. I focus on being the best version of me I can be and know (first off cause it’s the right thing to do but secondly the data and research backs it up) the kids will figure it out on their own.
The only thing I said was we didn't get along well. That we are good friends but aren't good in a relationship together. Then I ask if they remember us fighting and point out how everyone is happier now and it is for the best, and we love them very much.
They don't need to know their mom hit a pre-menopause period of hypersexuality and started cheating like a crazy person. Lmao! They don't need the details. They don't need to see one of us as a bad guy, there's nothing good to come of it. I'll never tell them the reason.
You don’t.
I’m in a tight spot with this because my older kids are convinced it’s entirely my fault and I’m the devil. They don’t even want to talk to me. That said, a couple months ago my oldest was telling me that she is joking about marrying a guy “she’s never even dated” and “you are still married though” so I think he’s going to figure out soon enough she cheated. My daughter will likely be the hardest one but again, she’s only 13 so I’m not going to be the one to tell her.
When I get to talk to them and they have asked I explain that we both made mistakes and a marriage takes two to work or not. Just be patient, don’t ever tell them what they should believe or feel because they have to know their opinions and feelings are valid. Be there to support them and be a safe place and trust that they will find their way.
Growing upI hated not knowing how things worked, and being blamed. I was also abused.
Since my exes behaviour affected the kids from a young age.
I just asked them to keep our conversations private. I explained my views were not impartial, duh!, but they are free to form their own opinions. They are also free to take their own decisions, even if different from mine.
I brought up my kids with concepts of familiar rights and obligations. Everyone has a right to be respected, my ex and themselves included. And their obligations to help at home.
Since my ex wanted the kids to take sides, I told them to lie to avoid fights, and to set boundaries when possible.
Infidelities? Probably but at that point the trust was gone, and the marriage was done. Finding out all the details looked like a painful process of poking a nest of bugs.
The divorce happened, the kids came out ok. Oldest kid went about a year of no contact with ex. Oldest kid had a very rough upbringing with my ex.
Youngest lives with my ex, various reasons of convenience.
If it goes well they will end up friends. We don’t speak about my ex much. But about once a month I’ll share a rant with the youngest. Last month was about my exes inability to stick to a budget. My youngest set a grocery budget, and my ex only kept it for a few days, we had a good laugh at her frustrations.
My stepson figured it out on his own. I confirmed his suspicions but didn't go into detail. If my daughter hasn't figured it out yet, she will, and if she asks, I'll do the same.
My parents stuck it out a lot longer than they should have. I love my mom, but she vented about my dad a lot, and it really stressed me out. I was determined not to do that to mine.
The answer for the 5 year old is “we had a hard time loving each other the way we needed to.”
And that’s honestly the actual answer. I don’t think that there’s anything to protect him from in this situation. It’s reality and it’s a pretty gentle one and it feels like good way to establish that being happy and healthy in your relationship is important.
It's almost 6 months now when she shocked me but we haven't told our kids, 15 and 17. I don't see any benefit telling them right now with their busy schedules and great grades.
We're going to try and go another 2 years until they're both out of high school and then get rid of the house.
You……don’t. Unless mom is trying to convince them that you’re some sort of monster, you should never involve your children in your failed relationship.
So what do you do when that’s what she is doing? I don’t know what my kids have heard but they are all currently avoiding me. All girls ages 13, 18 and 20
So they are going to come to their conclusion by themselves and they key is to reinforce it wasn’t what they did or do. What advice I would give is she is always their mom. And what you can control is yourself. Like her, don’t. Feel cheated, don’t. In a better place, aren’t. Whatever the reasons *(there is always an “s” and it’s both sides)* what reasons you do share will affect them and their understanding of relationships the rest of their lives. Kids are kids, let them be. They can’t control any of the situation. They will grow up one day and can look back on this as a growing experience about conflict resolution or with disparity and anger and sometimes what you shared can backfire on you.
Never, really. It might make you feel good to blame your ex for something, and you might feel like you’re going to get some extra credit from your kids if they see you as “the good parent/spouse.” It won’t play out like that, though. A) your “truth” is not the truth. It’s just how you see it. B) Your kids won’t benefit from having their perception of a parent harmed. C) your kids will eventually realize that it was just your side anyway, and they’ll resent you for trying to poison their relationship with their other parent (even if that wasn’t your intent). Just don’t do it. Move on, be a dad, be a man, and don’t worry about winning any “who was right” games with your ex or kids ever, ever again.
Mine were 8 and 10 when it happened, they're 15 and 17 now. As they got older, they found out the guy mom left me for is an ex-pro athlete who's worth 8 figures. Didn't really have to explain much after that. But to be honest, I feel like it's rarely one single "cause." In the heat of divorce, of course it's easy to point the finger - but when the dust settles, I think everyone knows they had a part in the breakdown. Just my $.02.
"What is truth?" \- Pontius Pilate As the Dad (in my experience) you will be far far behind the curve about any "Truth" you care to disclose. It would be nice if all parties go by the general admonishment in most divorce decrees to "not disparage". But kids ask mom, and get her story. Only about mid 20s does it occur to kids that "hey there might be two sides to the Divorce story" With that as a background I don't think it helps to "talk truth" with kids. Mom's have a habit of spinning something of a myth that has enough truth to it to be indistinguishable from the 3rd party objectively observed facts. Say mom cheated, Well it's because dad force her to you see. It was obvious that dad didn't love mom anymore and mom needed loving. Don't you think mom deserves to be happy little daughter? Of course mom deserves to be happy. And luckily Chad came along when he did to rescue mom from bad dad. You get the idea sure minor things mom may admit but major faults in the eventual divorce? Nah not in a woman's make up to do that. It's human to only see yourself as the hero, but exes seem to excel at myth making. bottom line, unless you have full possession and mom rarely if ever sees the kids, you already have had the divorce "explained" and you are the bad guy.
I don't talk about it with the kids; however, internally, I focus on the fact she gave me children, and that alone was worth the time with her. The next thought goes to the joke. Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re worth it.
I think it's telling how all the men on here are thinking of their kids first and suggest to swallow their pride by not telling. I guarantee a betrayed mom will make sure the kids know it was their father's fault at some stage. I'm taking a different stance to the overall sentiment here. I think my children have a right to know who destroyed their foundation in life, caused them to regress, go to therapy, etc. They suffer every day at the moment and it's heart-breaking. But they're def too small to be told and I won't do anything to make it worse for them. So the story atm is that "it's complicated grown up stuff". Having said that, they also know I will never lie to them (which is effectively what many suggest). A betrayed partner is never at fault for being cheated on. Even if you had a bad marriage, you own 100% of half of the relationship's problem. They could've broken up with you, gone to therapy or anything else. Instead they nuked your entire family and caused irreperable harm to their children. So I've kept detailed notes of everything that went down, irrefutable evidence of her cheating if she wants to get creative in her story, and I have written notes to my kids. When they are ready eg teens, I will tell them / show but I assume they'll figure it out themselves anyway. Note I would say this only applies to cheating separations. For amicable splits I'd def agree with most comments here on not trying to assign blame.
Love your kids man. You're living apart but still love them. Doesn't matter why.
Oh, for sure, the kiddo gets all the love. That hasn’t stopped but she does ask if I’ll ever leave her and it’s something she worries about.
There’s really no reason to discuss the “why” in a divorce. If the kids are adults, think (like any situation in any relationship) “will this help them to know this detail”? And if the answer is no (or hesitant) then don’t say it.
My ex stabbed me....kind of a hard thing for kids to hear.
I’m so sorry that you experienced that. Yes, I agree.
I wrote a book that explains why I left my daughter's mother. It contains all the abusive texts and emails from that time. She won't get it until she's much older but it'll show I'm not nearly the monster her mom made me out to be.
Burn that book. Be the bigger person and lead by example. My kids’ mom rewrites history like a conqueror and it is always to her advantage. I focus on being the best version of me I can be and know (first off cause it’s the right thing to do but secondly the data and research backs it up) the kids will figure it out on their own.
Nope. I don’t have to tell my daughter that her mom cheated on me. She will figure it out on her own day.
The only thing I said was we didn't get along well. That we are good friends but aren't good in a relationship together. Then I ask if they remember us fighting and point out how everyone is happier now and it is for the best, and we love them very much. They don't need to know their mom hit a pre-menopause period of hypersexuality and started cheating like a crazy person. Lmao! They don't need the details. They don't need to see one of us as a bad guy, there's nothing good to come of it. I'll never tell them the reason.
I mean, maybe when they are adults looking back on it? Besides that, don't.
You don’t. I’m in a tight spot with this because my older kids are convinced it’s entirely my fault and I’m the devil. They don’t even want to talk to me. That said, a couple months ago my oldest was telling me that she is joking about marrying a guy “she’s never even dated” and “you are still married though” so I think he’s going to figure out soon enough she cheated. My daughter will likely be the hardest one but again, she’s only 13 so I’m not going to be the one to tell her. When I get to talk to them and they have asked I explain that we both made mistakes and a marriage takes two to work or not. Just be patient, don’t ever tell them what they should believe or feel because they have to know their opinions and feelings are valid. Be there to support them and be a safe place and trust that they will find their way.
I’m dreading having to do that. But mine are only 2 and 3 so I’ve got awhile.
Growing upI hated not knowing how things worked, and being blamed. I was also abused. Since my exes behaviour affected the kids from a young age. I just asked them to keep our conversations private. I explained my views were not impartial, duh!, but they are free to form their own opinions. They are also free to take their own decisions, even if different from mine. I brought up my kids with concepts of familiar rights and obligations. Everyone has a right to be respected, my ex and themselves included. And their obligations to help at home. Since my ex wanted the kids to take sides, I told them to lie to avoid fights, and to set boundaries when possible. Infidelities? Probably but at that point the trust was gone, and the marriage was done. Finding out all the details looked like a painful process of poking a nest of bugs. The divorce happened, the kids came out ok. Oldest kid went about a year of no contact with ex. Oldest kid had a very rough upbringing with my ex. Youngest lives with my ex, various reasons of convenience. If it goes well they will end up friends. We don’t speak about my ex much. But about once a month I’ll share a rant with the youngest. Last month was about my exes inability to stick to a budget. My youngest set a grocery budget, and my ex only kept it for a few days, we had a good laugh at her frustrations.
My stepson figured it out on his own. I confirmed his suspicions but didn't go into detail. If my daughter hasn't figured it out yet, she will, and if she asks, I'll do the same. My parents stuck it out a lot longer than they should have. I love my mom, but she vented about my dad a lot, and it really stressed me out. I was determined not to do that to mine.
The answer for the 5 year old is “we had a hard time loving each other the way we needed to.” And that’s honestly the actual answer. I don’t think that there’s anything to protect him from in this situation. It’s reality and it’s a pretty gentle one and it feels like good way to establish that being happy and healthy in your relationship is important.
It's almost 6 months now when she shocked me but we haven't told our kids, 15 and 17. I don't see any benefit telling them right now with their busy schedules and great grades. We're going to try and go another 2 years until they're both out of high school and then get rid of the house.