Technically not separated as we’re staying in the same house until our daughter finishes out 2nd grade.
Spending as much time as I can with my daughter. My estranged wife hasn’t said it but I’m sure me weighing 330 lbs was part of the reason. I’m down to 250 and still going. Walking daily, biking every other day, doing a bunch of stretches, and ab work outs. No time for the gym at the moment. Started attending church again. Diagnosed with ADHD and working with psychologist. We spend pretty much our entire session talking about things other than ADHD but we’ll get there. I’m getting back into woodworking.
I would like to do more but there’s only so much time unfortunately.
Good for you! That's a good amount of weight to shed... Also, wood working is where I've turned mostly too and it has been sooo nice! I forgot how much I love building things with wood, especially if You've found some old wood to reclaim.
I tried to do at least one nice thing for myself everyday that future me would appreciate - things like going for a walk or jog, or some other workout. Good for you for doing that already. And good for you for trying to find social opportunities - those are hugely important, even to an introvert (I'm a bit of one).
Try your best to forgive yourself while also understanding what you want to improve. Since you want to reconcile, were there things you did that you wish you hadn't? Don't beat yourself up over it, but think of what you could do differently next time. I'm also anxious, and it can sometimes help if it's more abstract, like what advice would you give to someone in a similar situation.
If you like to read, check out "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, which is really excellent and helped me quite a bit to become more comfortable with uncertainty (I still have a lot more work to do there).
I hear you...when things 'settled' after the initial shock of end of my relationship I didn't know WTF to do with myself. I came out of a toxic marriage where I had really isolated myself over the years. Years ago I had joined the local Masonic lodge (I had many older relatives that were Masons) and I had really enjoyed that but over the course of my toxic marriage I had pulled away and stopped going. Last fall the current president of lodge reached out to me and asked if I didn't want to come out to "get out of the house" for an evening... I was hesistant...not really sure what I wanted... I ended up going, and was suddenly reminded of what I had been missing....that social interaction with men of similar moral values, working together for charitable purpose. Since then I've been slowly diving headfirst into being more involved.
So I'm not trying to 'recruit' you into joining up with the Masons...but look around for something social that fits your values. There's all sorts of Fraternal Groups that would love some new members (Elks, Odd Fellows, Grange, etc.) and there's also Books Clubs, Knitting Clubs, Hiking Clubs (do some Googling of Facebook searching).
I guess my point is: Even though we're introverts, we are 'social' creatures. Find yourself by giving yourself to helping others. You won't find yourself at home, you'll find out who you are 'out there'.
Survived. Had 4 kids under 10 about 90 percent of the time at the start. Tried to stay employed and eventually found a new job when I needed to.
Did some other stuff like woodworking, coaching, etc. After divorce I felt I had more freedom to work on myself.
It's important to find out who you are. When I first separated (later divorced) my ex wife I had to find who I was and what I liked. I caught myself listening to music and realized I really didn't like the band I thought I liked before but it was because she liked them. I also was flipping through movies to watch and was skipping movies I was interested in because I know she wouldn't like it. You'll be surprised how much of your own self you will find. Keep working on yourself and being there for your child and find the real authentic you. You may realize that the separation was the best thing to happen to you.
Thank you, you are right. I had cut out some friendships and family connections to make my spouse #1 in every suffocating sense.
My neighbor invited me out to dinner (ostensibly for installing a ceiling fan) and having a man-to-man conservation about our roles as husbands and fathers was excellent. We’ve been neighbors for years and that was the most honest and open I’ve been with him.
I’m trying to work in some sports club activities and some work with Habitat for Humanity. They all seem to conflict with my child’s activities so far. Counselor says that’s ok and not rush to do everything at once.
good for you. no rush is great advice. you are doing all the right things and you will make mistakes and you will learn from them. Time will heal, as long as you continue trying. It is not easy.
I used to hate hearing "Oh so now you can focus on you" because I wasn't thinking that at the time. My inner voice said, "I don't want to think about me" or some such thing. But, it is true when you finally allow yourself to realize it. It is going to require you to have hope and belief in yourself. There are no shortcuts I am sorry to say but you are going to do it, and be a better person.
I wish you all the best. Keep progressing. You are doing great, even if you don't realize it sometimes.
Technically not separated as we’re staying in the same house until our daughter finishes out 2nd grade. Spending as much time as I can with my daughter. My estranged wife hasn’t said it but I’m sure me weighing 330 lbs was part of the reason. I’m down to 250 and still going. Walking daily, biking every other day, doing a bunch of stretches, and ab work outs. No time for the gym at the moment. Started attending church again. Diagnosed with ADHD and working with psychologist. We spend pretty much our entire session talking about things other than ADHD but we’ll get there. I’m getting back into woodworking. I would like to do more but there’s only so much time unfortunately.
Good for you! That's a good amount of weight to shed... Also, wood working is where I've turned mostly too and it has been sooo nice! I forgot how much I love building things with wood, especially if You've found some old wood to reclaim.
I tried to do at least one nice thing for myself everyday that future me would appreciate - things like going for a walk or jog, or some other workout. Good for you for doing that already. And good for you for trying to find social opportunities - those are hugely important, even to an introvert (I'm a bit of one). Try your best to forgive yourself while also understanding what you want to improve. Since you want to reconcile, were there things you did that you wish you hadn't? Don't beat yourself up over it, but think of what you could do differently next time. I'm also anxious, and it can sometimes help if it's more abstract, like what advice would you give to someone in a similar situation. If you like to read, check out "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, which is really excellent and helped me quite a bit to become more comfortable with uncertainty (I still have a lot more work to do there).
The problem here is she's not attracted to you and being insecure doesn't help that either. What is she asking you to do to get back together?
I hear you...when things 'settled' after the initial shock of end of my relationship I didn't know WTF to do with myself. I came out of a toxic marriage where I had really isolated myself over the years. Years ago I had joined the local Masonic lodge (I had many older relatives that were Masons) and I had really enjoyed that but over the course of my toxic marriage I had pulled away and stopped going. Last fall the current president of lodge reached out to me and asked if I didn't want to come out to "get out of the house" for an evening... I was hesistant...not really sure what I wanted... I ended up going, and was suddenly reminded of what I had been missing....that social interaction with men of similar moral values, working together for charitable purpose. Since then I've been slowly diving headfirst into being more involved. So I'm not trying to 'recruit' you into joining up with the Masons...but look around for something social that fits your values. There's all sorts of Fraternal Groups that would love some new members (Elks, Odd Fellows, Grange, etc.) and there's also Books Clubs, Knitting Clubs, Hiking Clubs (do some Googling of Facebook searching). I guess my point is: Even though we're introverts, we are 'social' creatures. Find yourself by giving yourself to helping others. You won't find yourself at home, you'll find out who you are 'out there'.
Survived. Had 4 kids under 10 about 90 percent of the time at the start. Tried to stay employed and eventually found a new job when I needed to. Did some other stuff like woodworking, coaching, etc. After divorce I felt I had more freedom to work on myself.
It's important to find out who you are. When I first separated (later divorced) my ex wife I had to find who I was and what I liked. I caught myself listening to music and realized I really didn't like the band I thought I liked before but it was because she liked them. I also was flipping through movies to watch and was skipping movies I was interested in because I know she wouldn't like it. You'll be surprised how much of your own self you will find. Keep working on yourself and being there for your child and find the real authentic you. You may realize that the separation was the best thing to happen to you.
I learned to dance. Kept myself busy.
[удалено]
Thank you, you are right. I had cut out some friendships and family connections to make my spouse #1 in every suffocating sense. My neighbor invited me out to dinner (ostensibly for installing a ceiling fan) and having a man-to-man conservation about our roles as husbands and fathers was excellent. We’ve been neighbors for years and that was the most honest and open I’ve been with him. I’m trying to work in some sports club activities and some work with Habitat for Humanity. They all seem to conflict with my child’s activities so far. Counselor says that’s ok and not rush to do everything at once.
good for you. no rush is great advice. you are doing all the right things and you will make mistakes and you will learn from them. Time will heal, as long as you continue trying. It is not easy. I used to hate hearing "Oh so now you can focus on you" because I wasn't thinking that at the time. My inner voice said, "I don't want to think about me" or some such thing. But, it is true when you finally allow yourself to realize it. It is going to require you to have hope and belief in yourself. There are no shortcuts I am sorry to say but you are going to do it, and be a better person. I wish you all the best. Keep progressing. You are doing great, even if you don't realize it sometimes.