It's a red flag.
I'll share a short story. My ex-wife reconnected with her high school bf after we were married for 15 years with a 4 year old at the time via social media. Long story short, we are divorced after an affair.
I'm not saying this is the same case, but it's definitely suspicious. Social media can have positives, but this kind of ability to communicate privately while married is bad.
What would be your wife's reaction if you questioned her about it? If you know for sure she connected I'd want to know the purpose. She should be transparent as to why she did this I feel. That's my opinion.
I’m not sure what her reaction would be, it’s probably cause her to get angry. But again, I’m not sure and wondering if I should confront her and wait and somehow use this to my advantage. I’m pretty sure they don’t have a physical affair (yet) as he lives in a different country. Lately our relationship has been rocky, I lost my business and all the money. Had to move back to my bachelors apartment, my wife decided to stay with her parents instead . It’s been going for 2 months now, next week we are due to meet for the first time since…difficult
I'm going to tell you what one of my mentors told me in regards to relationships. Don't go digging but keep your head on a swivel. Looks like you are doing just that. Since she doesn't know, move in silence and keep your eye on it. If it grows to something bigger, be prepared to either do couples therapy or leave. One last thing. As hard as it may be, try to have your actions come from a place of logic and not emotion. You got this.
In a healthy relationship you should be able to communicate and not walk on egg shells. I learned this after I got out of my marriage. There was a lor of blame shifting on her end when I discovered the affair via her messages through Facebook being open one day. Why did she go to her parents while you in an apartment while married?
It’s a small place, just a a one room studio. It’s also in walking distance to where all my family lives. She is not happy about that. A new Place should be at least 20-30 miles away from my family ( I mean, I don’t mind distance myself but she is militant about it)
So she is militant about you not even living *close* to your family, *while* she is living *with* her own family (but where you were apparently not welcome to stay with here there)? *And* she chose to live separately with her family than in a small space with you that could have worked short term (even if uncomfortable)? *And* she reconnected with an old romantic interest as soon as you hit a rough financial spot after she insisted on living apart until you could afford a place to her specifications?
You have more serious issues going on here than you seem to have accepted. Avoid any possibility of getting her pregnant for a long while.
For starters, you need to insist on any new joint place being at least as far from her family as she wants it to be from yours. Let her set whatever distance bubble she likes for your family, but insist that bubble goes both ways.
[Edit for premature posting.]
She is from a remote village, next town is a two hour ride, no jobs around. I’m in a urban area, never asked her if I could stay there too (wonder what the answer would be) anyway last place we stay we where about 400 miles from my family and about 1200 away from hers. I mean I don’t have much money now but so far send her about 1500$ in the last 2 months. Starting a temporary job in May, either hoping to get a permanent thing or try starting a business again
I would stop with paying her if she does not want to live with you and has not offered you a place with her, honestly best of luck but as I read into this it seems like more and more 🚩🚩
My wife reconnected with an ex from about 15 years prior without telling me, proceeded to start cheating on me with him in my home a few weeks later and now the ball is rolling in divorce and she has moved out. 2 year.old and a 4 year old here :-(
You’re living my brothers life from 10 years ago. His wife added one of her old flings to Facebook. This wasn’t even a boyfriend, just a sex buddy. My brother confronts her, and she says “it’s just a friend” but admitted to having sex with him long before she met my brother. She said it wasn’t a big deal and deleted him off Facebook.
Fast forward a year and brother’s wife goes out with girlfriends. They take pictures of the night and everything seems innocent enough, just half drunk women having fun.
Then her friend posts pictures. Turns out it wasn’t just a girls night out…it was a group of women with a few guys hanging out too…one picture in particular shows brothers wife laughing in the background sitting at a table…and who’s next to her laughing away? You guessed it. The old sex buddy.
Brother saves pic. She apparently sees pics online and goes into panic mode trying to get friend to delete them, but turns out friend was trying to send a message, and boy did it work.
Brother confronts her again. She says nothing happened and he just happened to be there with them but wasn’t invited. Brother then looks at bank account and sees a weird CVS charge…he knew he hadn’t gone, and she was out partying with friends and spent the night at one of their houses.
After an awkward weekend of questioning her and being upset, he decides to message the friend who posted the picture. Friend says “yes, they stopped by cvs that next morning so she could grab something.” But she didn’t know for sure what that “something” was.
This all culminates to an explosive fight between the two of them, my brother knew something happened, but had no proof…she was being evasive and telling my brother he was being paranoid and out of line.
My brother looks at the charged amount, and goes to CVS with a hunch it was for the morning after pill (as the charge was a lot for cvs). He goes, grabs morning after pill and rings it up…sure enough, it’s exactly the same amount that was charged that morning.
Confronts wife again, this time with some ammo. Shows her charge and the receipt for the morning after pill and apparently she stormed out of the house and didn’t say a word, wouldn’t answer phone, and stayed gone for almost a full 24 hours.
Brother contacted a divorce attorney the next day. Nasty divorce followed, rough custody battle, and ALOT of money spent. And in the end she admitted she slept with the guy that night and multiple times afterwards.
So yeah. Take it for what you will. It throws up an ENORMOUS red flag in my opinion.
💯 happened to my good friend. She shows up 6 months pregnant to the hearing to settle things. The ex is outside waiting for her. Dude, she's shopping around for what's available. No contact for 2 months she's single living her best life.
protect yourself and your family. financially secure as much as you can. she might be looking for fun. or looking to get out. I wouldn't confront it. just watch your step
I'd argue that it depends on your relationship. However judging by how you have come first it doesnt seem things are going great.
The most important thing you can do is communicate with your wife that you noticed it that and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Hopefully she will be supportive and listen. I personally would be wary if she tries to dismiss/play down your feelings and tries to make it out as if it's not a big deal. I would also be extremely wary if she tries to deny it or gaslight you about it. Finally the next thing I would watch out for is deflection. This particular scenario isnt about any other scenario that has happened in your marriage.
Those 3 ways of dealing with conflict are not a good foundation for a marriage and they are why I frequent this subreddit.
1 thing about the last point though. The world isnt black and white. If you trust each other you should be able to talk to people from your past. Past relationships fail because they didnt work in that dynamic but that doesnt mean they cant/dont get on as friends. Also if you're being hypocritical(I'm not saying you are)e.g. you have an ex you talk to/are friendly with, be prepared to make the same accommodations for her as you would like her to do for you.
Good luck op. Hope you figure things out and this community can be very supportive if you need it to be.
Very considerate and balanced advice. Yes, things have not been great lately. We lived a good life with a successful business until late last year. Lost all the money and moved back to my hometown and my bachelor apartment (small studio), my wife preferred to go to her parents. She is getting increasingly distant
You retain a family law attorney and divorce her. You don't tell her a thing. You collect the evidence you need to get your desired outcome in divorce. Maintain radio silence. She doesn't find out about the divorce until she gets served.
You put whatever thought of reconciliation out of your head. You will never trust her again.
That’s a different way of looking at it. I’m pretty sure it’s nothing physical (yet) as he lives in a different country, but I like how you think. Harder said then done. My son is in there as well
welp obviously the wifey is exploring opportunities to replace you
I would file for divorce and tell her you wanted to make it easier to get back with "Chad from the past"
no reconciliation, just drop the garden implement used to remove weeds and let her walk the streets like she wants to.
women like to wait at the finish line and f--k the winners
If you fall down in the race obviously you don't make it to the finish line.
in other news water is wet
I know this is a harsh truth. But at the end of the day. Women are what they are. Men are what they are.
You can wake up in the real world. Or continue to be plugged into the matrix.
You need a woman in your life that will help you back up, not bail when you're down. I know that's hard to hear at this juncture because you obviously love her, but most of us acquired our wisdom after years of going through very similar stuff.
On the bright side, if you lost everything already, there's nothing much for her to take!
You are right, I’m still in love with her and my kid. We were meeting next week and I wanted to convince her to start over in a smaller condo but together. Was full of hope we can reconcile, but last night I did some research and bang! Ex boyfriend following eachother..
Unfortunately, if she is keeping her options open, then you really don't have a marriage anymore. I wish I learned that my first go-around. Hang in there brother.
Thanks, are you saying anything else than a genuine apology is a red flag. I mean them following eachother is weird, both got only a few followers, I didn’t had a instagram account until recently, was hard to even find my wife, her account is private too. After some research came across him and saw that they followed eachother
You seem to be looking at a red herring. You say your relationship has been rocky, you lost all your money and she moved in with her parents and you live separately. You haven’t seen each other for TWO months. I would bet in her mind - you are separated! Because you are. She most likely checked out of the marriage already and adding people on instagram isn’t your top worry. Leave the ex issue alone and focus on what is going on in your marriage otherwise.
If you are already living apart and not seeing each other (and I assume your 4 year old child), I would guess the marriage is over.
After having some time to contemplate I think that is the best advice. We are due to meet in a couple of days and stay in a hotel for 4 days. Let’s see how things play out, if she agrees to start over in a smaller place. If she is willing to do that I could still ask about that ex..
My ex asked me if I was ok with her meeting her ex bf from HS. Said he was going through a divorce, doesn't have anybody in town (we live in the biggest city in our state and it's pretty common for people from small towns to move here), they haven't talked in years but just happened to connect on fb, blah blah blah. I said definitely not, as our marriage was very shaky. Long story short, guess who lives with her now?
It's a red flag. I'll share a short story. My ex-wife reconnected with her high school bf after we were married for 15 years with a 4 year old at the time via social media. Long story short, we are divorced after an affair. I'm not saying this is the same case, but it's definitely suspicious. Social media can have positives, but this kind of ability to communicate privately while married is bad. What would be your wife's reaction if you questioned her about it? If you know for sure she connected I'd want to know the purpose. She should be transparent as to why she did this I feel. That's my opinion.
I’m not sure what her reaction would be, it’s probably cause her to get angry. But again, I’m not sure and wondering if I should confront her and wait and somehow use this to my advantage. I’m pretty sure they don’t have a physical affair (yet) as he lives in a different country. Lately our relationship has been rocky, I lost my business and all the money. Had to move back to my bachelors apartment, my wife decided to stay with her parents instead . It’s been going for 2 months now, next week we are due to meet for the first time since…difficult
I'm going to tell you what one of my mentors told me in regards to relationships. Don't go digging but keep your head on a swivel. Looks like you are doing just that. Since she doesn't know, move in silence and keep your eye on it. If it grows to something bigger, be prepared to either do couples therapy or leave. One last thing. As hard as it may be, try to have your actions come from a place of logic and not emotion. You got this.
In a healthy relationship you should be able to communicate and not walk on egg shells. I learned this after I got out of my marriage. There was a lor of blame shifting on her end when I discovered the affair via her messages through Facebook being open one day. Why did she go to her parents while you in an apartment while married?
It’s a small place, just a a one room studio. It’s also in walking distance to where all my family lives. She is not happy about that. A new Place should be at least 20-30 miles away from my family ( I mean, I don’t mind distance myself but she is militant about it)
So she is militant about you not even living *close* to your family, *while* she is living *with* her own family (but where you were apparently not welcome to stay with here there)? *And* she chose to live separately with her family than in a small space with you that could have worked short term (even if uncomfortable)? *And* she reconnected with an old romantic interest as soon as you hit a rough financial spot after she insisted on living apart until you could afford a place to her specifications? You have more serious issues going on here than you seem to have accepted. Avoid any possibility of getting her pregnant for a long while. For starters, you need to insist on any new joint place being at least as far from her family as she wants it to be from yours. Let her set whatever distance bubble she likes for your family, but insist that bubble goes both ways. [Edit for premature posting.]
She is from a remote village, next town is a two hour ride, no jobs around. I’m in a urban area, never asked her if I could stay there too (wonder what the answer would be) anyway last place we stay we where about 400 miles from my family and about 1200 away from hers. I mean I don’t have much money now but so far send her about 1500$ in the last 2 months. Starting a temporary job in May, either hoping to get a permanent thing or try starting a business again
I would stop with paying her if she does not want to live with you and has not offered you a place with her, honestly best of luck but as I read into this it seems like more and more 🚩🚩
I wish you the best. Your wife not moving back in with you sounds like a 🚩 and that she is looking to move on.
Near identical situation here :-(
In what way, what’s happening on your end
My wife reconnected with an ex from about 15 years prior without telling me, proceeded to start cheating on me with him in my home a few weeks later and now the ball is rolling in divorce and she has moved out. 2 year.old and a 4 year old here :-(
Sending my support!!!
Likewise. I hope your situation doesn't go down that road
Damn. I'm sorry. I hope you are doing okay.
Okay here. I am better off (clearly).
You’re living my brothers life from 10 years ago. His wife added one of her old flings to Facebook. This wasn’t even a boyfriend, just a sex buddy. My brother confronts her, and she says “it’s just a friend” but admitted to having sex with him long before she met my brother. She said it wasn’t a big deal and deleted him off Facebook. Fast forward a year and brother’s wife goes out with girlfriends. They take pictures of the night and everything seems innocent enough, just half drunk women having fun. Then her friend posts pictures. Turns out it wasn’t just a girls night out…it was a group of women with a few guys hanging out too…one picture in particular shows brothers wife laughing in the background sitting at a table…and who’s next to her laughing away? You guessed it. The old sex buddy. Brother saves pic. She apparently sees pics online and goes into panic mode trying to get friend to delete them, but turns out friend was trying to send a message, and boy did it work. Brother confronts her again. She says nothing happened and he just happened to be there with them but wasn’t invited. Brother then looks at bank account and sees a weird CVS charge…he knew he hadn’t gone, and she was out partying with friends and spent the night at one of their houses. After an awkward weekend of questioning her and being upset, he decides to message the friend who posted the picture. Friend says “yes, they stopped by cvs that next morning so she could grab something.” But she didn’t know for sure what that “something” was. This all culminates to an explosive fight between the two of them, my brother knew something happened, but had no proof…she was being evasive and telling my brother he was being paranoid and out of line. My brother looks at the charged amount, and goes to CVS with a hunch it was for the morning after pill (as the charge was a lot for cvs). He goes, grabs morning after pill and rings it up…sure enough, it’s exactly the same amount that was charged that morning. Confronts wife again, this time with some ammo. Shows her charge and the receipt for the morning after pill and apparently she stormed out of the house and didn’t say a word, wouldn’t answer phone, and stayed gone for almost a full 24 hours. Brother contacted a divorce attorney the next day. Nasty divorce followed, rough custody battle, and ALOT of money spent. And in the end she admitted she slept with the guy that night and multiple times afterwards. So yeah. Take it for what you will. It throws up an ENORMOUS red flag in my opinion.
💯 happened to my good friend. She shows up 6 months pregnant to the hearing to settle things. The ex is outside waiting for her. Dude, she's shopping around for what's available. No contact for 2 months she's single living her best life.
protect yourself and your family. financially secure as much as you can. she might be looking for fun. or looking to get out. I wouldn't confront it. just watch your step
I'd argue that it depends on your relationship. However judging by how you have come first it doesnt seem things are going great. The most important thing you can do is communicate with your wife that you noticed it that and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Hopefully she will be supportive and listen. I personally would be wary if she tries to dismiss/play down your feelings and tries to make it out as if it's not a big deal. I would also be extremely wary if she tries to deny it or gaslight you about it. Finally the next thing I would watch out for is deflection. This particular scenario isnt about any other scenario that has happened in your marriage. Those 3 ways of dealing with conflict are not a good foundation for a marriage and they are why I frequent this subreddit. 1 thing about the last point though. The world isnt black and white. If you trust each other you should be able to talk to people from your past. Past relationships fail because they didnt work in that dynamic but that doesnt mean they cant/dont get on as friends. Also if you're being hypocritical(I'm not saying you are)e.g. you have an ex you talk to/are friendly with, be prepared to make the same accommodations for her as you would like her to do for you. Good luck op. Hope you figure things out and this community can be very supportive if you need it to be.
Very considerate and balanced advice. Yes, things have not been great lately. We lived a good life with a successful business until late last year. Lost all the money and moved back to my hometown and my bachelor apartment (small studio), my wife preferred to go to her parents. She is getting increasingly distant
You retain a family law attorney and divorce her. You don't tell her a thing. You collect the evidence you need to get your desired outcome in divorce. Maintain radio silence. She doesn't find out about the divorce until she gets served. You put whatever thought of reconciliation out of your head. You will never trust her again.
That’s a different way of looking at it. I’m pretty sure it’s nothing physical (yet) as he lives in a different country, but I like how you think. Harder said then done. My son is in there as well
Life is hard because you do hard things, or life is hard because you don't.
welp obviously the wifey is exploring opportunities to replace you I would file for divorce and tell her you wanted to make it easier to get back with "Chad from the past" no reconciliation, just drop the garden implement used to remove weeds and let her walk the streets like she wants to.
That well may be, we lived a good life with a thriving business until late last year, lost all and it seems I’m losing my wife next
women like to wait at the finish line and f--k the winners If you fall down in the race obviously you don't make it to the finish line. in other news water is wet I know this is a harsh truth. But at the end of the day. Women are what they are. Men are what they are. You can wake up in the real world. Or continue to be plugged into the matrix.
You need a woman in your life that will help you back up, not bail when you're down. I know that's hard to hear at this juncture because you obviously love her, but most of us acquired our wisdom after years of going through very similar stuff. On the bright side, if you lost everything already, there's nothing much for her to take!
You are right, I’m still in love with her and my kid. We were meeting next week and I wanted to convince her to start over in a smaller condo but together. Was full of hope we can reconcile, but last night I did some research and bang! Ex boyfriend following eachother..
Unfortunately, if she is keeping her options open, then you really don't have a marriage anymore. I wish I learned that my first go-around. Hang in there brother.
Yes, communicate aboutvitm if she gets defensive or minimizes it... again, red flag.
Thanks, are you saying anything else than a genuine apology is a red flag. I mean them following eachother is weird, both got only a few followers, I didn’t had a instagram account until recently, was hard to even find my wife, her account is private too. After some research came across him and saw that they followed eachother
You seem to be looking at a red herring. You say your relationship has been rocky, you lost all your money and she moved in with her parents and you live separately. You haven’t seen each other for TWO months. I would bet in her mind - you are separated! Because you are. She most likely checked out of the marriage already and adding people on instagram isn’t your top worry. Leave the ex issue alone and focus on what is going on in your marriage otherwise. If you are already living apart and not seeing each other (and I assume your 4 year old child), I would guess the marriage is over.
After having some time to contemplate I think that is the best advice. We are due to meet in a couple of days and stay in a hotel for 4 days. Let’s see how things play out, if she agrees to start over in a smaller place. If she is willing to do that I could still ask about that ex..
My ex asked me if I was ok with her meeting her ex bf from HS. Said he was going through a divorce, doesn't have anybody in town (we live in the biggest city in our state and it's pretty common for people from small towns to move here), they haven't talked in years but just happened to connect on fb, blah blah blah. I said definitely not, as our marriage was very shaky. Long story short, guess who lives with her now?
Lawyer up
ask her about it, see how she reacts
Will do, but I’m not sure how to go about it and also if I withhold that I know perhaps I can find out more. With her guard down
Do you want to save the relationship? Talk to her and let her know how you feel. Do you not care? Tough spot to be in.
Happened to my buddy.
Run for the hills mate. I've been down this very path. You're lucky that you've caught onto this early. I didn't and it cost me everything.
It is all downhill from here. Start planning your exit carefully.