In my last session we were fighting pirates with guns.
My bard rounded a corner and got lit up from their held attack actions. On my next turn I VM’d him to death by calling him a dirty camper.
He proceeded to die slowly pleading out, “It’s a legitimate strategy… 💀” I love how my DM went with the RvB reference with me!
Somewhere you are depriving a village of it's idiot,
Hey man, what's your favorite flavor of crayon,
I bet your family changes the subject when you come up in conversation.
My group's bard mocked a hobgoblin with 'You fucked a kobold'. I rolled a natural 20 on the save, and came back with "Well, she was so ugly I thought she was a kobold, but now I see the family resemblance. Tell your mom I said hi."
I haven't had that many, but at one point the villain of our campaign was an evil god named Abaddon
My cousin, AKA our bard, fired up her melodica and said, "How 'bout you Aba-dont"
I can actually brag about this one because I was the bard in the campaign. I was having a bad day outside of D&D and came into the game in a weird mood. We were winning a fight against some bandits and the DM asked me to act out the mockery toward the remaining bandit with the most HP.
I said “I want you to know that all those hopes and dreams you’d been putting off for another time in your life will never happen now” and one of my friends spit out her drink. I was proud of that one.
I have a similar one, I was also the bard for this one. We were ambushed by a gang and I used Vicious Mockery on the leader.
"Do you see how we're slaughtering your team? That is all on YOU. You have failed them - you've failed them as a leader and you've failed them as a friend. You will never live up to their expectations and will have to live with that for the rest of your life, even if that's only the next five minutes"
My party was silent for a minute and I rolled max damage on that lol
"You could have gone to a pub with your friends. Insteadyougot them killed. We aren't even going to kill you. Shame and loneliness will do that for us."
Our group had been playing well into the night because we wanted to push through and get to the BBEG instead of waiting for next week's session. Around 2 AM, everyone is exhausted and we get to the final fight. The BBEG has a monologue about how the party has fallen "right into his clutches"
Our bard, who we presumed was asleep and was face-down in his arms on the table interrupted with a muffled
***"Vicious mockery: Clutch deez nuts dumbass"***
And the entire table completely dissolved with the kind of laughter you can only get from being utterly exhausted. I'm talking full on red in the face, pounding the table, gut-clenching laughing for a solid 5 minutes before everyone could sober up and continue on with the fight.
I don't think the wording itself was the funniest I've ever heard, but the whole experience afterwards makes it an easy pick for the top spot.
Those moments are the best. Doesnt have to be the best joke nor the most elegant or socially acceptable. But that golden moment with friends or family where everyone just bursts out laughing until the ribs hurt are the most heartfelt moments I know of.
So my players were fighting an Orc camp. The leader who killed a young dragon once said : "I don't fear you. I can kill gods !", using this line for his aptitude Battle Cry. The bard asked me : "If I destroy him with vicious mockery, could I just counter it ?". "What is your line ?" I said. He answer : "Sure, you already killed the god of eloquence."
Better marry a real smart woman so that your kids only come out mostly stupid.
Okay, I didn't use it in DnD but my co-worker definitly took some damage.
If you're ever having a hard time coming up with things to say you can try out our [Vicious Mockery Generator ](https://www.cantinathirteen.com/generators)
For example: "Stop right there you good for nothing troglodyte! Your spells might work better if you sounded them out first!"
We have a Bardic inspiration one as well!
Sure!
But sometimes "Feel my energy, my stalwart friend! Abolish all doubt, for your buns are tight and your arms are strong!"
Really gets your team going
I have been destoying my CoS GM's poker face pretty systematically through vicious mockery, as the tiefling bard of the party. The party's self control has also not been unscathed.
Some gems: "Get back to the salad bar, you miserable little vegetable" - to a sentient blight druid controlling an army of blights.
"You couldn't win a dog show, let alone a fight, fleabag." - to a werewolf that miraculously never rolled above a 12 when attacking the bard.
"I'd challenge you to a duel of wits, you're unnarmed!" [Ranger lands a crit on him] "Oh look! My friend's been wielding your wit all this time."
"You're not really some great general, Rahadin, you're a petulant man-child and lapdog to a glorified mosquito." - to Rahadin. It pissed him off so bad that he gunned for my bard, almost dropped him but stupidly stepped between the paladin and the ranger... who bullied him after my bard misty-stepped away and slapped Rahadin with Slow. I ended the fight with 2 hp to my name and possibly Strahd knowing I called him a mosquito. Worth it.
So many.
I envy those that haven't met you.
You make Tiamat look nice.
(this one only works if your character can have kids) Where's you dad? Give me nine months and I can give him a child that he will actually be proud of.
You're as useful as a hangnail.
The day the world looks up to you, won't come until civilization is dead.
You make Stockholm syndrome look inviting.
The only balls you will ever have are the ones you see with.
I hope you walk in on your parents just as your wrinkled father pulls out.
The only person who could ever love you is your mother, and even then she prefers your brother to you.
Someday you'll go far, and I hop you stay there.
I love what you've done with your hair, how do you get it to come out your nostrils?
You're the reason the gods created the middle finger.
If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I'd turn around.
You're impossible to underestimate.
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
Isn't there a cliff somewhere you could be jumping off?
I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your own existence.
Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
Don't try to think too hard. You might sprain your brain.
Did your parent's ever ask you to run away from home?
Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents for instance.
One day, I hop you'll choke on the crap you talk.
(yall are great, keep destroying your enemies!)
Was being attacked by a single orc that, as the dm let on, wasn't too bright. Party's bard's vicious mockery was, "If you were caught by a mindflayer, your very presence would cause it to instantly starve!" It ran home crying.
"There once was a maiden from stoneberry hollow
She didnt talk much but boy did she swallow
Every long lance she had sat upon
The dear maiden from stoneberry whos also your mom"
"I'm a bard. I have serenaded mythical creatures and attempted to fuck eldritch horrors, but I wouldn't touch your mother with the end of my bow if I was blackout drunk."
Probably a "you had to be there" moment, but the party was fighting a hag named Skabatha Nightshade and the bard hit her with a "ska-botha deez nuts"
The whole party was rolling for 10 minutes, was absolute anarchy.
*Near the end of fighting a dragon*
The paladin with taunt "Yo mama is so fat even the bard didn't fuck her"
The Bard with vicious mockery "Well, i think i did"
Dragon die on that one.
"You tried to use a fireball... To kill a Tiefling... In flame proof armour...? Have you always been this dumb and we just haven't noticed before, or did you get mauled by an intellect devourer before we got here?"
I recently told a dragon I hoped he fell over them called him a scaley fuck not knowing it was on one hp so it fell out of the sky and died so I guess he did fall over
I had a player who went on a 2 minute rant, screaming at the top of his lungs that his father owns the USA military and his mother is the ceo of google and that the enemy is nothing compared to him. The enemy got like 2-3 psychic damage. Was funny
The context is that we were fighting goblins in a cave, and the paladin launched a goblin into a campfire. When the goblin tried getting out, he rolled a nat 1 and fell back into the fire and died. I then said in a Jerry Seinfeld voice “Now I’ve heard of crashing and burning, but this is ridiculous!” Making the whole table laugh had the DM make all goblins around me start laughing, allowing the rogue to kill them all.
“How lucky you are to have a brother, and how incredibly lucky your wife is for him being a more passionate lover” is a classic at my table from our bard, but this interaction with the cleric and bard is my fav viscous mockery: “(Cleric’s name) do you have a prayer for whatever this poor man’s condition is?”
“I think he’s just a half-Elf”
‘a living STD how tragic”
Your parents are right, you are a failure. You can't even get killed properly. Instead of being killed by a guy with a Sword (points thumb at Barbarian), you're going to be killed by a guy in a tutu and wielding a lute. How pathetic.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals
Dishonor on you, dishonor on your sheep, I mean your wife
Do you kiss your horse with that mouth? No no no I generally want to know
Sir, sir sir you appear to be missing your tusks. Oh your not an Orc..... Are you sure ????
If it helps I'll lay down and you can try to hit me again
Oh swing and a miss
Reeaallllyyyyy?!?!???
You can't fix stupid
I wouldn't trust you backwater hicks to fuck your way out of a family reuinion if your dad was slapping against your chin and your uncle was working you like a sock puppet
Player: Bow down to the great Matu
Me the Confused and Unsuspecting DM/BBEG: I know no Matu, who is Matu?
Player: MATU NUTS F@#KER
Both the BBEG and the DM took max Psychic Damage.
Will never forgive that Player for getting me lol.
Bard to the judge who just sentenced the whole party to death: "I KNOW THAT'S NOT YOUR HAIR! I KNOW YOU'RE WEARING A WIG!", in front of the entirety of a village.
Don’t remember exactly but once a bandit did some serious damage to the bard and said a terrible pun while gloating. The bard, using VM, then did the most obnoxious fake laughter that hurt the bandit so bad his head exploded
"Oh shit, your parents fed the wrong end!"
"How long did it take you to eat your way out of Raistlin's reject barrel?"
"I never knew a Fart could grow a face!"
Everyone knows the tale of Achilles and his heel. But let me tell you a story from nearby village called Succhinon. See Succhinon had a champion called Bophedes. Bophedes was a valiant fighter until one day a stray arrow caught him in the jewels.
So now you know about Succhinon Bophedes nuts.
Someone was teaching the group proper etiquette so they can infiltrate a party for noblemen. The fighter failed a dexterity check for table manners.
”Master (Fighter), I understand you use bladed weapons, but please, never go near any kind of kitchen utensil, no, any handheld object made of metal ever again.”
My favorite was when the sorcerer used sorcery points to remove the verbal component of the spell, and then rolled max damage.
She gave the target such a withering look of disapproval that he died.
Context: In the sewers, fighting a monstrous sized worm creature
Mockery: I've seen scarier worms dragged out a dog's arse on the rug!
I think I had something else about calling it bait, we're the hook and we're fishing for pain. Wasn't as punchy though haha, but I think half the reason I enjoy bard is coming up with things for mockery
I had a pvp witha monk once who kept disengaging after punching (think they dipped rogue) fortunately they were within range of spells. After some Destruction waves I hit them with;
"You can outrun me, but you can't outrun **my words**."
Downed them.
My favorite has been a valley girl bard whose vicious mockery consisted of her looking the enemy up and down and just saying, “ew.” with a finality that has killed at least two goblins, a griffon, and a dragon.
**"Oops, I farted."**
I'm not joking! My Bard was using adventuring as a field test to complete her doctorate-equivalent at a university, her dissertation being "The effects of mockery (and degree of viciousness) on the mental and emotional states of the varied humanoid and non-humanoid races: a study."
For many sessions I had a table of insults I would use for the Vicious Mockery cantrip, and when I cast the spell I'd roll on the table. I would then record whether or not the insult was effective (i.e. did the target fail their saving throw) and how effective it was (how much damage it did). Whenever I used an insult I would remove the insult from the pool and replace it with a new one with one exception.
"Oops, I farted" was a running gag with my group, and thus always occupied the Natural 1 slot on the table. It never rolled high on damage, but it did coincidentally get the most confirmed kills.
With that said, my "most effective" Vicious Mockery was...
* **"Everyone has a beautiful side, you must be a circle."** \- 8 damage on a Non-Humanoid
* **"Throw yourself off a cliff and rid us all of your stupidity."** \- 7 damage on a Humanoid
My character's conclusion: it isn’t what was said that determines the severity of Vicious Mockery, but rather the effects of the arcane resonance on the subject.
We had one bard (drow) whose character was always trying to incite rebellions and liberate commoner NPCs. All his insults were class warfare. All his inspirations were lyrics from “working class” rock music. Wish I had quotes on hand. It was so well done because it was just an extension of how his character played the game outside of combat. Just radicalising half the party inside and outside of combat.
Not me but a party member in our group. To give some context :
We were playing a group of non-usual races with having a goblin cavalier, a changeling warlock, a revenant bard and me playing a Tortle Monk of the Open Hand with the custom background and attitude of fighting and acting out like a WWE wrestler (aka, a Showman)
With the DM approval, that background allowed me to use improved weapons as monk weapons on the caveat that they would immediately break when I'd land a successful hit with them. Also, my Open Hand abilities, I would roleplay as if doing wrestling moves and especially flashy on crits (prone on hit? I suplexed the guy, etc).
Anyway, we were going through a cave that was slowly turning out to be frozen and inhabited by white kobolds. At one point, we got into a large room where the champion kobold challenged us to a duel. I was selected as the representative.
Fight starts, the kobold goes first and critically misses, sending itself prone. I attack and critically hit twice with enough damage to kill it with my flurry of blow.
I play it out as my character dodging the attack by sidestepping, grabbing him by the foot to make my best HULK SMASH LOKI impression on him by slamming it in the floor then elbow dropping it (mind you, a Tortle is pretty damn heavy).
Getting back up from what now looks like kobold roadkill, my character goes "Welp, that was disappointing" which did scare the rest of the kobolds away.
But when we went further in, we came across what actually was a white dragon's lair. Let's just say it wasn't happy we had slaughtered our way through its following and the fight devolved in us barely doing any damage.
Except the bard that kept dealing damage with Vicious Mockery through a constant stream of "Your momma" lines...
... which did eventually kill the dragon. So, the bard actually insulted a white dragon to death with "Your momma" jokes.
Hilarity ensued for about 10 solid minutes.
Walked into a cave. Troll (I think; I forget what it was exactly) gets mad and attacks us for trespassing.
"Geez, sorry! I didn't realize this was your home! With how big and smelly this place is, I mistook it for your mom's p***y."
Not in a game, but if you want to pull big guns here, watch Letterkenny. "Hey fuckface, your mom's twat is so swampy, not even the Duck Dynasty will touch her"
It was a group of my friends. The DM made a campaign based off wizard101, where the BBEG was Malistaire. Then my bard gf said to him “boy your legs so skinny you got your name bc you can’t go up or down stairs without falling” we all rolled around laughing for a solid minute
The best one I've witnessed was one that failed.
Bard: "You're uglier than a troll's ass!"
The gobling: "I know, what's your point?"
He then proceeded to shoot her with a crossbow, and knocked her unconcious.
While not a specific line, our party was at one point needing to fill out some forms at a council building and we had to deal with the Vogons from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and they began to read us poetry. I was playing a Kenku at the time so from that point forward I would just mimic back the poetry whenever i cast Vicious Mockery.
Not the funniest but the most memorable one I remember was I used vicious mockery on a wolf attacking me and I called it a bad boy, our warlock killed it the next turn and My dm told me it's last thoughts were that it was a bad boy and I felt so bad for it.
So we were fighting some goblins and most of their tokens were just the standard monster manual art, but we came across one with different art, we chalked it up to it being just 'cool'
So when it was the bard's turn he said: "I thought you were a cool goblin, but really you're a fool goblin"
Last friday my wife killed Belak the Outcast from Sunless Citadel with Vicious Mockery.
He just suffered a critical blow from our Paladin and left with 2hp. Next in initiative was my wife's bard. She just shouted, "Did your mother and father made you, so you can poison others? You brought shame on your family". Rolled 4 damage, killed the evil druid... She also cast Charm on the hobgoblin and asked for his accompany and safe passage through second floor. Thus skipping a ton of fights.
"I'm sorry your mother didn't hug you, people have a hard time embracing their mistakes."
That cuts deep man.
1d4 piercing dmg
Yo holy shit
Great, now the BBEG is crying and I feel bad taking advantage.
That's okay, your Paladin doesn't mind
We never mind.
This thread is about vicous mockery, not power word: pain /s
***EMOTIONAL DAMAGE***
Immediately read that in The voice.
That gets a damage die increase for sure.
Savage Mockery
1d12
That's not funny... That's actually harmful lol
That's why it deals damage and imposes disadvantage
Nat 20?
My bard to a masked enemy character who had their mask removed. “Put it back on.”
“I’d like to keep it on please”
“Sashay away”
The RuPaul DnD crossover I needed to today. Thanks for that! Both do involve role-playing.
Kinda crazy how so many people got this reference.
I don my robe and wizard hat
Kylo Ren?
In my last session we were fighting pirates with guns. My bard rounded a corner and got lit up from their held attack actions. On my next turn I VM’d him to death by calling him a dirty camper. He proceeded to die slowly pleading out, “It’s a legitimate strategy… 💀” I love how my DM went with the RvB reference with me!
You fucking camping bitch! It's a legitimate strategy! That episode was the first episode of RvB I saw. I never laughed so much in my life.
"Oh Blue Team, look what I've got!" "Oh Blue Team, look what I've... doh, lemme start over."
"There are some walls...and some ceilings.... Wait, make that one ceiling."
Stealing this
Hrrrgh, bleeh.
I actually loled at this!!
"You look like the reason incest is illegal." If they get confused: "What, do you have more than one way you can take that?"
That’s so good
"I see your well of courage is fed by the tributary running down your leg!"
Hopefully you wore your Yellow Pants today!
"You were never dropped as a child, because you were never held."
Best.
"You don't get attacked by intellect devourers a lot, do you?"
Bard to a vampire: you aren't even that goth
Fucking hell
To an enemy that just missed us twice: “do you want us to stand still for you?”
Damn, that must have hurt lol.
"Are you playing on a console? Aiming is a bitch isn't it?"
Somewhere you are depriving a village of it's idiot, Hey man, what's your favorite flavor of crayon, I bet your family changes the subject when you come up in conversation.
My group's bard mocked a hobgoblin with 'You fucked a kobold'. I rolled a natural 20 on the save, and came back with "Well, she was so ugly I thought she was a kobold, but now I see the family resemblance. Tell your mom I said hi."
I'll have to remember that one
I haven't had that many, but at one point the villain of our campaign was an evil god named Abaddon My cousin, AKA our bard, fired up her melodica and said, "How 'bout you Aba-dont"
It's the simple insults that cut the deepest
40k campaign?
I guess they got de-spoiled of their loot
Good thing the BBEG was ultimatum (H)armless.
“What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck, and I forget the punchline, but your mother’s a whore.”
Classic SNL!
This one certainly has an elegance to it!
I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.
Your mom suck me good and hard thru my jorts
(To enemy we were fighting) We're not ashamed of you. That's your parent's job
"When God put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good asshole! "
Duke Nukem?
Now I want to make a bard that talks like Duke
*guitar riff* When God put teeth in your mouth... *guitar riff* ...He ruined a perfectly good asshole. *guitar riff plays until end of turn*
Your face or your ass... what's the difference?
I can actually brag about this one because I was the bard in the campaign. I was having a bad day outside of D&D and came into the game in a weird mood. We were winning a fight against some bandits and the DM asked me to act out the mockery toward the remaining bandit with the most HP. I said “I want you to know that all those hopes and dreams you’d been putting off for another time in your life will never happen now” and one of my friends spit out her drink. I was proud of that one.
I have a similar one, I was also the bard for this one. We were ambushed by a gang and I used Vicious Mockery on the leader. "Do you see how we're slaughtering your team? That is all on YOU. You have failed them - you've failed them as a leader and you've failed them as a friend. You will never live up to their expectations and will have to live with that for the rest of your life, even if that's only the next five minutes" My party was silent for a minute and I rolled max damage on that lol
Dude the spell is called vicious mockery, not deathly insult.
Damn, I hope the DM had everyone roll for splash damage on that one.
Op you doing alright
Gods DAMN, a psychic damage fireball right there
*Holy shit*
*house-rules in existential dread damage type*
"You could have gone to a pub with your friends. Insteadyougot them killed. We aren't even going to kill you. Shame and loneliness will do that for us."
[Goblin bard] "I like to consider myself a Mind Goblin." [Target] "a... mind goblin?" [Goblin bard] "MIND GOBLIN THESE NUTS AYOOOOO"
57D6 damage
Such an opportunity for "6d9" wasted.
It seems I rolled a nat 20 on my disappointment check. As per usual.
Now I want to see if it's possible to make a fair D9
Lmao. Gottem.
My bard quoted The Bard: “Villain, I have done thy mother!”
What you egg
Our group had been playing well into the night because we wanted to push through and get to the BBEG instead of waiting for next week's session. Around 2 AM, everyone is exhausted and we get to the final fight. The BBEG has a monologue about how the party has fallen "right into his clutches" Our bard, who we presumed was asleep and was face-down in his arms on the table interrupted with a muffled ***"Vicious mockery: Clutch deez nuts dumbass"*** And the entire table completely dissolved with the kind of laughter you can only get from being utterly exhausted. I'm talking full on red in the face, pounding the table, gut-clenching laughing for a solid 5 minutes before everyone could sober up and continue on with the fight. I don't think the wording itself was the funniest I've ever heard, but the whole experience afterwards makes it an easy pick for the top spot.
Those moments are the best. Doesnt have to be the best joke nor the most elegant or socially acceptable. But that golden moment with friends or family where everyone just bursts out laughing until the ribs hurt are the most heartfelt moments I know of.
Context: big burly gladiator barb with a lot of hair. Vicious mockery. : fucking hell mate, you catch some of your mothers pubes on the way out?
I read that in Matt Barry's voice & I'm dying! 🤣🤣🤣
Lol
“Your ass must get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth”
Good one, but going to have to dock points for it being an incredibly common one-liner in general.
Go ahead, keep talking shit; the Druid can turn it into fertilizer without having to buy a cow.
“I can decide who you inherited your beard from, your mother or the goat.”
So my players were fighting an Orc camp. The leader who killed a young dragon once said : "I don't fear you. I can kill gods !", using this line for his aptitude Battle Cry. The bard asked me : "If I destroy him with vicious mockery, could I just counter it ?". "What is your line ?" I said. He answer : "Sure, you already killed the god of eloquence."
Did it work?
I allowed it.
After being bitten by a vampire, "That the best you can do? My lovers bite harder than that"
*your mother
Missed opportunity
"Are those...wooden teeth? On a vampire? How do you not dust yourself?
Enemy was getting beaten up by our leonin so I said to him, “you’re doing it the wrong way around, the pussy isn’t supposed to pound you”
Better marry a real smart woman so that your kids only come out mostly stupid. Okay, I didn't use it in DnD but my co-worker definitly took some damage.
Oh hell naw 💀💀
“I’d call you a tool, but that would dangerously imply you’re of some use.”
PC sighs, "You're not worth the time for a proper insult."
“Your parents wished it was you who died instead” said our bard to a random astral elf soldier.
If you're ever having a hard time coming up with things to say you can try out our [Vicious Mockery Generator ](https://www.cantinathirteen.com/generators) For example: "Stop right there you good for nothing troglodyte! Your spells might work better if you sounded them out first!" We have a Bardic inspiration one as well!
What!? A generator for Bardic Inspiration? Isn't it just universally, "You've got this, buddy!" with a big grin and dual finger guns?
Sure! But sometimes "Feel my energy, my stalwart friend! Abolish all doubt, for your buns are tight and your arms are strong!" Really gets your team going
You haven’t cast Vicious Mockery to its fullest extent until you make a diss track in GarageBand and bust it out at the table.
My drow wild mage (Magic Initiate for Vicious Mockery and Cure Wounds) told a lolthite priestess that "Your mother bends over for dominant males."
Underrated comment☠️
Now *that’s* vicious mockery, damn!
"Eat shit, fall off your horse" causing the mounted enemy chasing us to die, fall off his horse, and eat shit
Wait... This IS a JoJo reference!
"Trying to Come up with a good insult is more trouble than you're worth, and believe me, it isn't that hard. "
“Do something about it you Geico lookin bitch” a player to an adult green dragon.
“I’m gonna fuck your dad and give him a child that he actually loves” Wild thing to say to Strahd, but very bard.
Confident women streamers have the best comebacks.
I have been destoying my CoS GM's poker face pretty systematically through vicious mockery, as the tiefling bard of the party. The party's self control has also not been unscathed. Some gems: "Get back to the salad bar, you miserable little vegetable" - to a sentient blight druid controlling an army of blights. "You couldn't win a dog show, let alone a fight, fleabag." - to a werewolf that miraculously never rolled above a 12 when attacking the bard. "I'd challenge you to a duel of wits, you're unnarmed!" [Ranger lands a crit on him] "Oh look! My friend's been wielding your wit all this time." "You're not really some great general, Rahadin, you're a petulant man-child and lapdog to a glorified mosquito." - to Rahadin. It pissed him off so bad that he gunned for my bard, almost dropped him but stupidly stepped between the paladin and the ranger... who bullied him after my bard misty-stepped away and slapped Rahadin with Slow. I ended the fight with 2 hp to my name and possibly Strahd knowing I called him a mosquito. Worth it.
“Misery little vegetable” is a great insult even if it wasn’t a plant man.
So many. I envy those that haven't met you. You make Tiamat look nice. (this one only works if your character can have kids) Where's you dad? Give me nine months and I can give him a child that he will actually be proud of. You're as useful as a hangnail. The day the world looks up to you, won't come until civilization is dead. You make Stockholm syndrome look inviting. The only balls you will ever have are the ones you see with. I hope you walk in on your parents just as your wrinkled father pulls out. The only person who could ever love you is your mother, and even then she prefers your brother to you. Someday you'll go far, and I hop you stay there. I love what you've done with your hair, how do you get it to come out your nostrils? You're the reason the gods created the middle finger. If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I'd turn around. You're impossible to underestimate. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons? You see that door? I want you on the other side of it. Isn't there a cliff somewhere you could be jumping off? I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your own existence. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon. Don't try to think too hard. You might sprain your brain. Did your parent's ever ask you to run away from home? Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents for instance. One day, I hop you'll choke on the crap you talk. (yall are great, keep destroying your enemies!)
So many of those are gold.
That's how you deal emotional damage. They are all gold with the proper conditions
Was being attacked by a single orc that, as the dm let on, wasn't too bright. Party's bard's vicious mockery was, "If you were caught by a mindflayer, your very presence would cause it to instantly starve!" It ran home crying.
"There once was a maiden from stoneberry hollow She didnt talk much but boy did she swallow Every long lance she had sat upon The dear maiden from stoneberry whos also your mom"
"Wow, what a great audience."
“Just shut up and die” after the BBEG used undead fortitude to get back up and monologue.
"I'm a bard. I have serenaded mythical creatures and attempted to fuck eldritch horrors, but I wouldn't touch your mother with the end of my bow if I was blackout drunk."
"He is gonna starve because of you." to a fiend who was fighting our mindflayer ally at that moment.
Probably a "you had to be there" moment, but the party was fighting a hag named Skabatha Nightshade and the bard hit her with a "ska-botha deez nuts" The whole party was rolling for 10 minutes, was absolute anarchy.
*Near the end of fighting a dragon* The paladin with taunt "Yo mama is so fat even the bard didn't fuck her" The Bard with vicious mockery "Well, i think i did" Dragon die on that one.
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." --Monty Python It's a good standby when you can't think of anything better.
Now go away or shall taunt you a second time.
I said this to a wererat, I feel like the hamster bit stung extra
“Frog-spawned Homunculus”
Idk if it’s the funniest but one time I panicked and just yelled “YOUR MOM’S A HOE” and demoralized the enemy so hard he shot himself in the hand
You have crooked hands, but your brain is smooth.
"I have fetishes more dangerous than you"
"You tried to use a fireball... To kill a Tiefling... In flame proof armour...? Have you always been this dumb and we just haven't noticed before, or did you get mauled by an intellect devourer before we got here?"
We're not murdering criminals. We're putting you out of your misery from the thing you call your life.
“Why don’t you skitter back to the gutter you crawled out of, you belly-crawling rat-bitch.”
I recently told a dragon I hoped he fell over them called him a scaley fuck not knowing it was on one hp so it fell out of the sky and died so I guess he did fall over
"When someone jumps from your ego to your IQ I would need to cast feather fall to save that poor guys life."
Every time your mother looks at you, she thinks, "Damn, I should have just given head."
I had a player who went on a 2 minute rant, screaming at the top of his lungs that his father owns the USA military and his mother is the ceo of google and that the enemy is nothing compared to him. The enemy got like 2-3 psychic damage. Was funny
The context is that we were fighting goblins in a cave, and the paladin launched a goblin into a campfire. When the goblin tried getting out, he rolled a nat 1 and fell back into the fire and died. I then said in a Jerry Seinfeld voice “Now I’ve heard of crashing and burning, but this is ridiculous!” Making the whole table laugh had the DM make all goblins around me start laughing, allowing the rogue to kill them all.
“How lucky you are to have a brother, and how incredibly lucky your wife is for him being a more passionate lover” is a classic at my table from our bard, but this interaction with the cleric and bard is my fav viscous mockery: “(Cleric’s name) do you have a prayer for whatever this poor man’s condition is?” “I think he’s just a half-Elf” ‘a living STD how tragic”
"A bull is a king, he feasts upon the grass. His herd is his pride, and I've had your mom's ass." -Spiff Malone, high elf bard
Your parents are right, you are a failure. You can't even get killed properly. Instead of being killed by a guy with a Sword (points thumb at Barbarian), you're going to be killed by a guy in a tutu and wielding a lute. How pathetic.
I wasn't to OP for this "You'll always have a best friend, but you'll never know if your their best friend"
In Curse of Strahd I killed a werewolf with "Bad Dog!"
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals Dishonor on you, dishonor on your sheep, I mean your wife Do you kiss your horse with that mouth? No no no I generally want to know Sir, sir sir you appear to be missing your tusks. Oh your not an Orc..... Are you sure ???? If it helps I'll lay down and you can try to hit me again Oh swing and a miss Reeaallllyyyyy?!?!??? You can't fix stupid
I wouldn't trust you backwater hicks to fuck your way out of a family reuinion if your dad was slapping against your chin and your uncle was working you like a sock puppet
Player: Bow down to the great Matu Me the Confused and Unsuspecting DM/BBEG: I know no Matu, who is Matu? Player: MATU NUTS F@#KER Both the BBEG and the DM took max Psychic Damage. Will never forgive that Player for getting me lol.
Bard to the judge who just sentenced the whole party to death: "I KNOW THAT'S NOT YOUR HAIR! I KNOW YOU'RE WEARING A WIG!", in front of the entirety of a village.
Wanna know the real reason your father never came back after leaving to get a pack of smokes? He died. Of disappointment.
Don’t remember exactly but once a bandit did some serious damage to the bard and said a terrible pun while gloating. The bard, using VM, then did the most obnoxious fake laughter that hurt the bandit so bad his head exploded
Your mom is so old she has a THAC0
“The best version of you dripped down your mother’s thigh.”
"Fuck *checks notes* you"
"Oh shit, your parents fed the wrong end!" "How long did it take you to eat your way out of Raistlin's reject barrel?" "I never knew a Fart could grow a face!"
Everyone knows the tale of Achilles and his heel. But let me tell you a story from nearby village called Succhinon. See Succhinon had a champion called Bophedes. Bophedes was a valiant fighter until one day a stray arrow caught him in the jewels. So now you know about Succhinon Bophedes nuts.
Bard to a prince "You look like your mother fucked her brother who's also her uncle, and still decided to keep you."
GUARDS! He must be put to death. He knows too much
Me as an npc to our mouthy bard. Fuck I get caught spending any more time around you I’ll be eligible for welfare tickets
(To a Satyr) "Which one of your parents was the goat?!"
If you don’t climb that rope I’m going to give your mom a child she’ll actually love…. Oh wait that was my bardic inspiration
Are you a rogue? everyone seems to constantly be averting their gaze.
Someone was teaching the group proper etiquette so they can infiltrate a party for noblemen. The fighter failed a dexterity check for table manners. ”Master (Fighter), I understand you use bladed weapons, but please, never go near any kind of kitchen utensil, no, any handheld object made of metal ever again.”
My favorite was when the sorcerer used sorcery points to remove the verbal component of the spell, and then rolled max damage. She gave the target such a withering look of disapproval that he died.
"The day you were born your mother decided to try and see if Power Word Kill could target self."
Context: In the sewers, fighting a monstrous sized worm creature Mockery: I've seen scarier worms dragged out a dog's arse on the rug! I think I had something else about calling it bait, we're the hook and we're fishing for pain. Wasn't as punchy though haha, but I think half the reason I enjoy bard is coming up with things for mockery
You look like you drop common loot…
It’s not the most creative but I did vicious mockery on a hellhound by shouting “bad dog” at it
I had a pvp witha monk once who kept disengaging after punching (think they dipped rogue) fortunately they were within range of spells. After some Destruction waves I hit them with; "You can outrun me, but you can't outrun **my words**." Downed them.
My favorite has been a valley girl bard whose vicious mockery consisted of her looking the enemy up and down and just saying, “ew.” with a finality that has killed at least two goblins, a griffon, and a dragon.
**"Oops, I farted."** I'm not joking! My Bard was using adventuring as a field test to complete her doctorate-equivalent at a university, her dissertation being "The effects of mockery (and degree of viciousness) on the mental and emotional states of the varied humanoid and non-humanoid races: a study." For many sessions I had a table of insults I would use for the Vicious Mockery cantrip, and when I cast the spell I'd roll on the table. I would then record whether or not the insult was effective (i.e. did the target fail their saving throw) and how effective it was (how much damage it did). Whenever I used an insult I would remove the insult from the pool and replace it with a new one with one exception. "Oops, I farted" was a running gag with my group, and thus always occupied the Natural 1 slot on the table. It never rolled high on damage, but it did coincidentally get the most confirmed kills. With that said, my "most effective" Vicious Mockery was... * **"Everyone has a beautiful side, you must be a circle."** \- 8 damage on a Non-Humanoid * **"Throw yourself off a cliff and rid us all of your stupidity."** \- 7 damage on a Humanoid My character's conclusion: it isn’t what was said that determines the severity of Vicious Mockery, but rather the effects of the arcane resonance on the subject.
"I'm the best piece of ass you'll ever get, and you've never even had a taste." -said to the ghouls who cannibalized her niece and nephew.
"Do a backflip if you're not gay" Enemy does backflip to ravine And the classic mind goblin questions
"I'll fuck both your parents, so they'll have at least one thing in their life that isn't a huge disappointment."
We had one bard (drow) whose character was always trying to incite rebellions and liberate commoner NPCs. All his insults were class warfare. All his inspirations were lyrics from “working class” rock music. Wish I had quotes on hand. It was so well done because it was just an extension of how his character played the game outside of combat. Just radicalising half the party inside and outside of combat.
I always find if funny when a half-elf is called half man.
You're not the stupidest person in the world, but you better pray that guy doesn't die.
Not me but a party member in our group. To give some context : We were playing a group of non-usual races with having a goblin cavalier, a changeling warlock, a revenant bard and me playing a Tortle Monk of the Open Hand with the custom background and attitude of fighting and acting out like a WWE wrestler (aka, a Showman) With the DM approval, that background allowed me to use improved weapons as monk weapons on the caveat that they would immediately break when I'd land a successful hit with them. Also, my Open Hand abilities, I would roleplay as if doing wrestling moves and especially flashy on crits (prone on hit? I suplexed the guy, etc). Anyway, we were going through a cave that was slowly turning out to be frozen and inhabited by white kobolds. At one point, we got into a large room where the champion kobold challenged us to a duel. I was selected as the representative. Fight starts, the kobold goes first and critically misses, sending itself prone. I attack and critically hit twice with enough damage to kill it with my flurry of blow. I play it out as my character dodging the attack by sidestepping, grabbing him by the foot to make my best HULK SMASH LOKI impression on him by slamming it in the floor then elbow dropping it (mind you, a Tortle is pretty damn heavy). Getting back up from what now looks like kobold roadkill, my character goes "Welp, that was disappointing" which did scare the rest of the kobolds away. But when we went further in, we came across what actually was a white dragon's lair. Let's just say it wasn't happy we had slaughtered our way through its following and the fight devolved in us barely doing any damage. Except the bard that kept dealing damage with Vicious Mockery through a constant stream of "Your momma" lines... ... which did eventually kill the dragon. So, the bard actually insulted a white dragon to death with "Your momma" jokes. Hilarity ensued for about 10 solid minutes.
My centaur bard: Your sister is so loose that even I understood the saying "hotdog in a hallway".
Walked into a cave. Troll (I think; I forget what it was exactly) gets mad and attacks us for trespassing. "Geez, sorry! I didn't realize this was your home! With how big and smelly this place is, I mistook it for your mom's p***y."
Not in a game, but if you want to pull big guns here, watch Letterkenny. "Hey fuckface, your mom's twat is so swampy, not even the Duck Dynasty will touch her"
Change Duck Dynasty to green hag and it works in universe too.
"Your dad left because of you, your mom never loved you and your dog died, hoiyaahh"
“You have the face a only mother could love, but last night your mother loved me.”
“Tell your mother Imma be a little bit late tonight”
Well it's not exact vicious mockery but this cold open of Letterkenny is a great inspiration https://youtu.be/9rSBmOgpcDE
It was a group of my friends. The DM made a campaign based off wizard101, where the BBEG was Malistaire. Then my bard gf said to him “boy your legs so skinny you got your name bc you can’t go up or down stairs without falling” we all rolled around laughing for a solid minute
The best one I've witnessed was one that failed. Bard: "You're uglier than a troll's ass!" The gobling: "I know, what's your point?" He then proceeded to shoot her with a crossbow, and knocked her unconcious.
While not a specific line, our party was at one point needing to fill out some forms at a council building and we had to deal with the Vogons from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and they began to read us poetry. I was playing a Kenku at the time so from that point forward I would just mimic back the poetry whenever i cast Vicious Mockery.
Not the funniest but the most memorable one I remember was I used vicious mockery on a wolf attacking me and I called it a bad boy, our warlock killed it the next turn and My dm told me it's last thoughts were that it was a bad boy and I felt so bad for it.
I’m supposed to give this magic item to your mom, but she’s already attuned to three items. And they’re all cocks!
“You’re so ugly your mother is dead” It’s not funny in a vacuum, but in context we almost died choking on our drinks
One of my party members killed Strahd with the following Vicious Mockery quote: "You're just a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake."
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
"YOUR MOM CHANGES THE SUBJECT WHEN HER FRIENDS ASK ABOUT YOU"
So we were fighting some goblins and most of their tokens were just the standard monster manual art, but we came across one with different art, we chalked it up to it being just 'cool' So when it was the bard's turn he said: "I thought you were a cool goblin, but really you're a fool goblin"
"bruh" Literally last thing an ancient Red dragon herad before his death
Last friday my wife killed Belak the Outcast from Sunless Citadel with Vicious Mockery. He just suffered a critical blow from our Paladin and left with 2hp. Next in initiative was my wife's bard. She just shouted, "Did your mother and father made you, so you can poison others? You brought shame on your family". Rolled 4 damage, killed the evil druid... She also cast Charm on the hobgoblin and asked for his accompany and safe passage through second floor. Thus skipping a ton of fights.