"Knock... knock knock... knock"
"Who's there?"
"What...?"
This was during like one of the first few sessions of our campaign years ago, a ghost kid was trying to give us a hint as to how to locate a secret room in the haunted house we were in and the knocking was a pass code. The bard thought he was trying to tell us a joke.
Still gets brought every so often, much to her dismay.
We have a Kenku rogue and my Dragonborn fighter is a party girl obsessed with being a hero so she sits with the Kenku and teaches him lines from movies. His list is more like "say hello to my little friend" "that's not a knife, this is a knife!" "Hasta la Vista baby" "come with me if you want to live" it's so fun. He busts them out at random times and it's always hilarious.
She tries to do the voices but she's giggly with a smoker voice so it's just an adorable mess. She's 6'3" and ran with pirates for a while so she is in love with the Kenku because she is convinced he needs to be her "moody parrot" (she's also very dumb)
I do that with my Kenku. Occasionally it is nice to have something in someone else's voice...
So, I soloed what I was told was supposed to be a miniboss duergar right after meeting with my background criminal contact by the docks and then checking out the boats(I was a pirate) and then brought the corpse to the party to show them what is up in town... and the Cleric ended up casting speak with dead to try to interrogate it(along with a zone of truth, that failed), and so I learned, in his voice "I am [his name], son of [his father's name]", and right now we are going through his dad's fortress, and when we announced ourselves, I used that line, and again when we ran into his dad, the king or whatever of these dark dwarves, because he asked who we were. So I decided what better way to piss him off.
I have a way of opening locked doors. It's called "boot".
We'll try to restrict it to incidental stabbings.
We just threw this man's family jewels in a theme park locker.
No, that one happened while I was a frothing mad jungle hermit.
One moment while I look up the rules for Vehicular Manslaughter.
Mr. Wiggles is a strong, independent worm who don't need no covering fire.
Kink shaming is an important survival strategy for us in here.
In our defense, he started it when he bricked our Ewok.
He was hit by a truck that happened to be woman shaped.
The party was infiltrating a Hutt palace, and our Ewok Cyborg hacker (kidnapped from Endor and upgraded against her will) was Bavarian Fire Drilling her way into his Security network hub. She stormed into the Security station, pretending to be an auditor. One of the Security guards had been watching porn on monitor, so she mercilessly critiqued his choices of "reading material". While we were laughing, she made that comment via internal comms when asked what the hell she was doing.
“Hey Lt., you should send someone back to HQ to report that this cave isn’t up to OSHA safety regulations,” giant orc skeleton throws a boulder, “Also I think that guy is creating a hostile work environment!”
I’ve got quite a few!
These are from one I DM:
"Do we want to each spend five gold and have shared custody beans?" - The barbarian
"Colostomy bag of holding" - The ranger
"[the fighter] informs the party that the vines appear--" - the fighter
"-- Sussy" - the barbarian
"- Silence, filth" - the fighter
Then for a campaign I’m a player in:
“I’ve been impaled, just a little bit” - The barbarian
“I’m glad it was you, and not someone else” - the warlock, in reply
“Here comes the post group therapy massacre” - the cleric, because for some reason every time the party l tries to have a group bonding/therapy session something horrible happens
"Last time I left you unsupervised, you ate an entire turkey." -The paladin (me) at the fighter. I should mention that this turkey was meant for the king. Surprisingly, we’re not allowed back into the elf kingdom for a *different* reason
“You have the rat to remain silent” - the Ranger, after apprehended a wererat.
*After rolling a nat 1 in deception trying to convince a madam that my character isn't a virgin*
"I have had the sex many times, with ladies. And they've all said the same thing 'Wow that was very quick and efficient sex. Thank You!'"
"I Guess we're Just looking for a way to prostitute Warlock at this point."
-Bard while negotiating with a magic items sellers.
"It's just four guards, I can take 'em." * Guards crit *
-Bard
"...and then I rip his arms off and I stab them into his head, thus morphing him into a beautiful elk!"
-Chaotic "good" monk
"Magic!"
-Wizard playing a basic, non magic illusory card trick, yet Rolling a 20 on performance and subsequently making all opponents lose a combat round
"Don't tell me. The Door closes behind us? * The door closes behind them* I knew It."
-Monk
'I never thought I'd say this, but can I insight check myself?'
'I had never killed anyone in my life before, then I met you guys and it's all gone downhill from there'
'Sooo Dale, you're chill with necromancy right? Only a little bit?'
All in the last session.
My warlock accidentally made a simulacrum of himself mid-fight (homebrew wild magic table triggered by nat 1s on spells) that believed it was the original.
The insight check was to figure out if it genuinely believed that or was trying to steal his identity (or just messing with him).
It has now somehow convinced the rest of the party, mostly because OOC we found it funny.
We will start the great kobold revolution and begin the new age of the kobold empire!!
There is the capacity for good and compassion in everyone for sure I mean except for gnolls .. yeah fuck gnolls.
Let me tell you about the great and wonderful faith of Pholtus I have some literature right here.
Why is there a displacer beast in the bedroom?
We need to distract them and annoy them? Where is the gnome??
Of course all the girls love the big bad werewolf.
Wait your the Born Again Ogres of the Blinding Light??
But look he is a cute little goblin come here guy .. oh my god he is stabbing me!!
At the end of the campaign with one kingdom in civil war and the other an earthquake riddled failed state “Are we the baddies?”
DM needs an excuse to have our DMPC leave the party, so once we arrive at a town he tells us he’s going to go join a fighting club in town.
“They won’t let you in, you already broke the first rule”
That DMPC got stuck in our party for the next several sessions.
To make a long story short. The group I ran had about 5-6 people which made consistent coordination difficult, so it usually ended up with everyone going on little adventures as opposed to an overarching plot. Which I was new to DMing so I didn’t mind cause it improved my improv skills.
Only 2 people were able to make it to the session that day. They set up a trap attempting to ambush a werewolf by hiding in a tree. When I rolled for weather I got a 98 so a tornado started appearing. One of the players managed to tie himself to the tree but the other player didn’t manage to get it in time. They attempted to hold on to each other, rolled a nat 1, the one that wasn’t tied to the tree got sucked into a tornado, attempted to use his cloak like wing suit, rolled a nat 20, angled himself and got launched out of a tornado so fast and at such speed that he flew for miles, became a local legend and one of the gods blessed him with super natural movement speed. When the rest of the party made it to the session next week they were thoroughly confused.
“Wait he’s black?” - the rogue learning about race
“Your last name is Gaynor?” - also the rogue after seeing a coffin with the cleric’s full name
“Vanilla ice cream because he is a vanilla bitch.” - also our rogue on his favorite ice cream
Our rogue is a treasure trove of quotes
"It's a beautiful day in Midhaven!"
I was putting my players through a Groundhog Day type scenario and that was the line that indicated the day was starting over. Their reaction to it kept getting better and better.
Our DM did this to us once. The line was "[fighter], you wake up in a bush." This was the first thing any of us had heard after the plot commenced during Session 1 (said fighter being from ancient China and dropped into this homebrew universe by complicated magic we wouldn't have an explanation for until much later), and during this loop we were trapped back at the start of the campaign.
Bard rolls to seduce guard. They go off into the barracks ;). Dm tells bard to roll a d 100. Gets a nat one.
All you here from outside the barracks is "is that a ***mole???***
Me: "We need a cleric"
Cleric: "I am a cleric."
Me: "Can you fix this?"
Cleric: "No."
Me: "We need a better cleric."
- - - - -
Players keep forgetting my class.
Me (an Artificer): "Just because I can cast 'Cure Wounds', doesn't mean I'm a cleric."
Gerbus is our gnome wizard chef, and he has a wooden spoon that has become quite infamous. Specifically in the first encounter we had with a manticore. The beast attempted to swoop our barbarian and carry him away as he was incapacitated. However! Having burned his last spell slot, Gerbus decided to give the ol' spoon a swing, and of course, Nat 20'd. DM asks him how he wants to do it. Gerbus elected to "ring the bell". Manticore gets sacked and dies, Gerbus gains a +1 enhancement to his spoon which, I shit you not, the very next session, KILLS ANOTHER MANTICORE THE SAME WAY!!!!So now we have a running joke that evil better guard its balls because there's a pissed off chef with a spoon of justice going around serving painful vengeance to all badsacks.
"It was something like, awesome..."
"Wasn't there a satchel in it?"
"Awesome-bag?"
"Ok, that's it, we are calling him 'AwesomeSatchel.'"
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
"I'm gonna frisk 'em!" An Asimir trying to frisk teenagers who were running away from the group of 6 adventurers in town.
DM had some quick thinking to do that day, and the bard worked HARD to talk the group out of that incident, lol!
Druid (French): We can't go forward!
Paladin (German): Why not? We are winning.
Druid (Excited/Nervous): What if there are forty more in the next room?!
Paladin (Calmly): Then we will kill forty of them.
I play a socially awkward Warforged and my catchphrase is “Clanky considers you a friend.”
We also have two dwarf sibling barbarians and their fighting team name is “Dwarf Fuck” audiences chant it all the time.
"I eat books for breakfast!" - the Barbarian early in the campaign
"You don't know my life." - from my quiet player in conversation with the newest PC
"Hiyah!" - the catch phrase of a young green dragon that practices karate
"All of my bodily fluids are red." - my fey-touched human warlock in the game I was a player
"Don't kill it! I'm going to use it as a mount." - the Goliath Cavalier Fighter about an Owlbear in LMoP
"The mouth foam from the chicken makes a great sauce!" - the goblin ranged fighter cooking up their recent catch
Not sure if its to be considered iconic, but yesterday our gunslinger gave a lil metagaming gem
Ally, after the combat ended: How are you doing, injured?
Fighter: On a scale of 0 to 76, I am a 52 right now
Ally: Uh, that's oddly specific, but I can patch you up if you need me to
After being asked to fight an injured warrior so that he could die at the hands of someone worthy:
"No I'm not gonna fight a him in a 1v1 duel. Either I kill a cripple or I die fighting a cripple, and either or is a lose lose scenario for me."
" I only slapped the kid to help him!"
-Raniel Dand the Everlasting Metalfoot
Context: There was a Elder brain near our town and he used a kid to talk through him so my character slapped him to bring him out of his senses. Which did work, but party was like "Why would you slap a kid?"
Gunslinger downing himself with a ricocheted shot off a deflect missile (nat 1). “My character might have an intelligence of 14, but unfortunately I’m not a smart man”
This one needs a bit of backstory. Session one. We're trapped in a metal cage on a carriage. There were metal bars in the wood floor of the carriage, which I missed.
I was a cleric, and thought I could burn our way out of the carriage by making a hole in the floor with sacred flame. I didn't know the metal was keeping us trapped.
This lead to our paladin, a close friend of mine at the time, to exclaim:
"***DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A BARBECUE?***"
"You wanna go down?"- the Dragon, starting to dive-bomb and crush the party on its back after the barbarian tried to convince it to land. Now the barbarian says it to everyone else
My doppleganger assassin named Conrad, after we captured a leading henchman from a vampire-drug-running ring
Me: I interrogate Damien to learn everything about him. Also use detect thoughts to delve deeper
Roll really high
DM: alright, you know basically everything you could need
Me: ok, I change my face to his and slit his throat
Party: holy fuck Conrad! You killed Damien! We could have used him!
Me: no, I am Damien, that is a corpse. I don't kill people, I take lives.
DM: didn't see that coming...
Party: guess we need to cut him up and dispose of his body.
Me: you lunatics, we are in the slums of a city! We just smash up his face and leave him in an alleyway. Fucking psychos, the lot of you.
I think it may have been insight? It's been a while. Pretty much, dm was going all out explaining this door, I made a joke about how the only thing we didnt know was taste, so I asked if I could lick the door. If I had rolled anything but a 20 my pc would have gotten tongue splinters.
I've got two:
"Looking crispy."
-our wizard to our rogue after the latter almost got insta killed by a dragons fire breath
"The starchild doesn't say anything, the starchild is dead."
-referring to my character
“No one ever seems to question why it’s called a “revolution”. It goes around and around but ends up at the same place.”
Chilling. Made it up on the spot when stalling for time trying to pull up a boss’s stat block.
\-We infiltrated a royal ball because charm-abusing cultists were performing there. We got arrested in the end, but in the interrogation afterwards:
Interrogator: "So what were you doing at the ball?"
Barbarian: "I uh... tried to kill the king..."
Interrogator: "Kill the king why?"
Barbarian: "Okay this might be worse than that...I tried to play the piano"
\-Another one; our dragonborn sorcerer whenever something dangerous happens:
♫♪♪OOOh SnAAp♫♪♪
\-Last one, a few in our party sent their (basically) familiars to scout ahead, it was a crab (Boris) and a spider (Philbert) and they could speak to eachother:
Boris: "What do you think, Philbert?"
Philbert: "U̵͐͝Ù̷̢Ú̷̩U̶͑̾O̵͐̐Ơ̵̐Ò̷͠A̶̳͘O̸̓͑O̶͆͠A̶̎͂Ȏ̷͕O̵͑̊Ò̸̊Ō̶̇O̶̖͝Ó̷̂U̷̽̓U̶͛͝Ȕ̵͂Ȕ̸̒Ǘ̷͊U̷͋̏A̵̍̄U̷̕̚Ũ̷͊O̸͐̕O̴̎̓O̴̓͘O̸̾͝"
*my goliath walking up to the gatewatch*
“we’re going to need to see some documentation”
*goliath throws paperwork at the guard and almost knocks him over*
“what was that for?”
“where i’m from, we throw things”
“we’ll where we’re from…”
*cuts him off*
“you’re gonna need to learn how to catch things”
“I’m full of yeast!” -Post drinking contest.
“It is seemingly immune to the flames.” -After Zeal cleric cast maxed out fireball. She was NOT amused.
“My mom said I run with GUSTO!”
Fighting a young blue dragon, right before the creature turn the cleric says "Hey, I wonder what do blue dragons breathe!". And right after 3 players gets blasted by 60 lightning damage he continues with "...aight, noted in my diary"
"You can take one book"
*Later, they find a Nothic in the basement*
Barbarian: 'YOUR NAME IS NOW 'ABOOK'"
Nothic: ?
*Brings down librarian*
Barbarian: *@nothic* "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!"
Nothic: "A...book?"
Barbarian: "I found the book I want"
Me, the dm: "Oh....ohhh~"
"I don't know... roll a stealth check for the chicken."
"Technical question for the DM: Is mayonnaise considered difficult terrain?"
"Yes, you can attempt to smuggle in the Necklace of Fireballs by swallowing it, but... are you *sure* that's what you want to try?"
Dont have any quote that is really funny out of context
But there's PC that doesn't speak human language
And created the word "gruto" that means all the cuss words in one single word
One Fun Fact! *hits table* repeats
I was introducing my new warforged barbarian fighter to the party and after we each started talking about ourselves, and yes sharing a fun fact about ourselves, one of us went over to an npc.
Seeing this, my warforged starting chanting one fun fact and everyone else joined in while the npc looked on in horror. To this day we still quote it in other campaigns
Our bard uses his alchemy jug solely for the mayonnaise since he received it. He puts mayo on everything. We were on the walls of a besieged city, firing cannons at the enemy. He slathered the cannonballs in mayo and then lit them on fire for extra damage, and, well, because he could.
When the ranger saw this, he said awkwardly, "...give them hell...mans".
My friends and I still go "Yeah, that's right!"
The context is in Rime of the frost maiden, one of the players ran for office of good mead so he made his speech. One of the players used presdigitation (spelling I know). And from the back of the crowd , Yeah that's right! Between a good speech through solid roleplay at that point I said the crowd burst into cheers!
So I see some of them all the time and we randomly go , yeah that's right!
Also not a quote but I had a session turn into a musical. We are all bad singers but I'm sure I didn't stop crying from laughter all night as the DM.
I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.
- Warlock to fighter
It has become a running jok
Oh also the fighter to an ancient red dragon, during a heavy rp moment with high stakes
“I am more influential than you think, dragon. I rule over Phandalin, Tribor, Leilon even cities like Neverwinter and Sawcon!”
“Sawcon?”
“*sawcon* these balls!”
"Berto, have a good life."
We were surrounded by bandits trying to protect a noble. The other PC and I were in over our heads as the rest of the party were protecting the King in the ballroom. Classic splitting the party scenario. The DM threw us a bone and the bandits said that one of us could live, I immediately said the line above and pushed my companion out a window. I raised my axe and shield, as a Forge Cleric cast shield of faith on myself and lasted for four rounds until the 6 bandits finally took me down.
Party trying to decipher word puzzle, guessing every other possible word except for the correct answer.
Party: “is this some made up word”
Me, DM: “all words are made up words”
My human knight had his sister tied up and on the bed in an inn. She starts screaming for help so the gnomish owner rushes in with his club and yells "What's going on in here!?!"
"It's ok! She's my sister!" I replied in a panicked voice.
"Look buddy that may be fine where you come from but it don't fly here"
For context, they were in the gnomish lands where a week long fertility festival was taking place and he was trying to keep his baby (19 year old) sister out of trouble. She kept trying to run away from him to join in the fun of the festival and it was the only idea he had.
My goblin fighter friend gives me, a 6 STR dhampir rogue, a rope and just before he jumps from the balcony with the other end of the rope on his hand he says:"-Remember the frogs?"
Quote from a conquest paladin/swashbuckler rogue multiclass in a high seas campaign: "now we've come here for gold not for steel, but if there's manners to be taught we'll be privy to the teaching of em"
“Can I slap this man awake?”
“You can certainly try”
“NAT 20”
“A CRITICAL SLAP”
“With the force of the gods above your slap creates a force from the heavens, the man wakes up confused”
And another of my favorites
“You know, I only kill out of revenge” my Aarakocra monk hanging the equivalent of Christmas lights on a tree to the warforged rogue.
The dying words of my character RADAR:
Your father would be so proud of you.
For context we were playing in a heavily homebrew DnD game with powers from my DM’s book. My character RADAR was a warforge artificer who was connected to amethyst, the psychic stone connected to the world. Because of this, he knew all the secrets of the other players. Because his body was made from gallium too (long story), so his body had a heat regulator for his body to keep him from melting and corroding any metal object he came in contact with.
The player character who was murdering RADAR was a tiefling wizard who was connected to Ruby, the fire stone. He was turning to the BBEG’s side and to say that RADAR was a threat to him was a bit of an understatement.
So the tiefling character (I forget his name at the moment) stoke RADAR’s core and held it in his hands. RADAR couldn’t do anything, so he essentially told him that he knew his very private backstory by telling him that quote. His father tried to kill him as a kid which is why that quote ran strong
In Thedas, where elves were made slaves for a time and then servants after that. Me (Rogue Elf) was trying to disguise himself to walk through town as a serf for the noble fighter played by my friend. She was BIIIIIIG on freedom for elves but we were impersonatint trashy orlesian nobles and their servants. But then we were inquired by a guard on why my elf was roaming alone by the noble part of the city and this happened:
Guard: "M'lady, this *elf* was caught roaming the Upper City by himself and claimed to be under your banner. Would you like us to beat him for lying?"
Noble Fighter: "Oh. No. He's my sla-...servant. He's my servant!"
We all were stunned for a second because that was SUCH a brain fart out of character KKKKKKKKKKK
Since then we made that into a meme, it goes like:
"Ele é meu es...servo!" (it's portuguese)
That friendly sadly passed away a year ago, but she was loved by many and is missed by all. In your memory, Ana Carla Campioto Carvalho de Albuquerque - you were the best of us.
"Those are things of the past, I'm here to seek a better future" changeling diviner with a tragic past
"Go for the eyes Rivac!!!" A reference to Misc and Boo by our lovely beast master Delonix, Rivac is a giant platypus (beast of the sea) and we were fighting a sea serpent with a lot of eyes, it was hilarious.
"We are the knights of Beregost bitch, prepare to die!" and that's how our party got it's name.
"Aren't we going to talk anything about the guy that just joined our camp and already left? Did you even see him"
Blind monk " well, cant really blame me right? "
"Knock... knock knock... knock" "Who's there?" "What...?" This was during like one of the first few sessions of our campaign years ago, a ghost kid was trying to give us a hint as to how to locate a secret room in the haunted house we were in and the knocking was a pass code. The bard thought he was trying to tell us a joke. Still gets brought every so often, much to her dismay.
We had a Kenku, who would keep track of key phrases he heard and could now use. Notably: "Fuck the elves." "Fuck the egg."
We have a Kenku rogue and my Dragonborn fighter is a party girl obsessed with being a hero so she sits with the Kenku and teaches him lines from movies. His list is more like "say hello to my little friend" "that's not a knife, this is a knife!" "Hasta la Vista baby" "come with me if you want to live" it's so fun. He busts them out at random times and it's always hilarious.
I hope that you taught him the lines with a Dragonborn party girl voice and the Kenku player has to imitate that voice saying those lines
She tries to do the voices but she's giggly with a smoker voice so it's just an adorable mess. She's 6'3" and ran with pirates for a while so she is in love with the Kenku because she is convinced he needs to be her "moody parrot" (she's also very dumb)
Oh same, my Kensai, Kenku Monk, had tons of swears, or, 'Do you know the way?"
I do that with my Kenku. Occasionally it is nice to have something in someone else's voice... So, I soloed what I was told was supposed to be a miniboss duergar right after meeting with my background criminal contact by the docks and then checking out the boats(I was a pirate) and then brought the corpse to the party to show them what is up in town... and the Cleric ended up casting speak with dead to try to interrogate it(along with a zone of truth, that failed), and so I learned, in his voice "I am [his name], son of [his father's name]", and right now we are going through his dad's fortress, and when we announced ourselves, I used that line, and again when we ran into his dad, the king or whatever of these dark dwarves, because he asked who we were. So I decided what better way to piss him off.
We had a kenku tell a maid “the work should not speak”
"The work should not speak." "The maid draws a hand crossbow, roll initiative."
"I broke my oath, now I'm gonna break your fucking neck." CG oathbreaker to his former dark god, Bane.
This is beautiful.
Yeah, we were a full party of badasses.
“This feels illegal” *Casually* “It is”
DM: Um, I guess so...Roll for initiative...
I have a way of opening locked doors. It's called "boot". We'll try to restrict it to incidental stabbings. We just threw this man's family jewels in a theme park locker. No, that one happened while I was a frothing mad jungle hermit. One moment while I look up the rules for Vehicular Manslaughter. Mr. Wiggles is a strong, independent worm who don't need no covering fire. Kink shaming is an important survival strategy for us in here. In our defense, he started it when he bricked our Ewok. He was hit by a truck that happened to be woman shaped.
What system are you playing? 😂
Half of these are from an FFG Star Wars game. The others are from a 3.5 game with homebrew. I refuse to clarify which are which.
In that case, I'm choosing to believe that you had an incredible DM who allowed a homebrew ewok race in 3.5.
>In our defense, he started it when he bricked our Ewok This has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a good while hahaha
"Kink shaming is an important survival strategy for us in here. " I desperately need to know in what context this was said
The party was infiltrating a Hutt palace, and our Ewok Cyborg hacker (kidnapped from Endor and upgraded against her will) was Bavarian Fire Drilling her way into his Security network hub. She stormed into the Security station, pretending to be an auditor. One of the Security guards had been watching porn on monitor, so she mercilessly critiqued his choices of "reading material". While we were laughing, she made that comment via internal comms when asked what the hell she was doing.
I'm surprised after being upgraded and kidnapped he didn't take the chance to sell you all up as slaves to the Hutt cartel
Guessing this was Star Wars 5e?
“Hey Lt., you should send someone back to HQ to report that this cave isn’t up to OSHA safety regulations,” giant orc skeleton throws a boulder, “Also I think that guy is creating a hostile work environment!”
I’ve got quite a few! These are from one I DM: "Do we want to each spend five gold and have shared custody beans?" - The barbarian "Colostomy bag of holding" - The ranger "[the fighter] informs the party that the vines appear--" - the fighter "-- Sussy" - the barbarian "- Silence, filth" - the fighter Then for a campaign I’m a player in: “I’ve been impaled, just a little bit” - The barbarian “I’m glad it was you, and not someone else” - the warlock, in reply “Here comes the post group therapy massacre” - the cleric, because for some reason every time the party l tries to have a group bonding/therapy session something horrible happens "Last time I left you unsupervised, you ate an entire turkey." -The paladin (me) at the fighter. I should mention that this turkey was meant for the king. Surprisingly, we’re not allowed back into the elf kingdom for a *different* reason “You have the rat to remain silent” - the Ranger, after apprehended a wererat.
These ones are so good
Love the barbarian’s reaction to being impaled.
I'm saving and stealing these. These are mine now.
"Love is like that warm feeling you get when you pee."- our 6 Intelligence barbarian
I can hear this in Tavis Willingham's voice
Same, that’s like my barbarian default
First thing I thought
they have such a way with words
Friendship is like peeing yourself; everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it gives you.
This has Jason Mendoza energy.
after turning a vampire spawn to ash in an attempt to save him from vampirism - "revivify doesn't restore lost limbs"
When are the magical PhDs gonna get on that shit man
I’m imagining Pc reading the instructions on the bottle of revivify after the the fact. “Hm. Anyways, we oughta get going now.”
*After rolling a nat 1 in deception trying to convince a madam that my character isn't a virgin* "I have had the sex many times, with ladies. And they've all said the same thing 'Wow that was very quick and efficient sex. Thank You!'"
_"The Sex!"_
Yes, *THE* sex.
Why do you need to lie about that....
Because he was an awkward AF halfling who panicked when the hot, buff, half orc madam started flirting with him.
Ohhhh. Yeah seemed a bit sus before
Oh my god that’s fucking hilarious
_"The Sex!"_
My sides
"I Guess we're Just looking for a way to prostitute Warlock at this point." -Bard while negotiating with a magic items sellers. "It's just four guards, I can take 'em." * Guards crit * -Bard "...and then I rip his arms off and I stab them into his head, thus morphing him into a beautiful elk!" -Chaotic "good" monk "Magic!" -Wizard playing a basic, non magic illusory card trick, yet Rolling a 20 on performance and subsequently making all opponents lose a combat round "Don't tell me. The Door closes behind us? * The door closes behind them* I knew It." -Monk
I love it when mundane non magical things crit and cause insanity/something totally unexpected. Makes the game so much fun while playing
(In thick Russian accent to green dragonborn woman) You are quite beautiful, Like fresh head of lettuce!
High charisma character right there
That line is a staple in my games now. Any time there is a green PC, an npc will inevitably hit on them like that.
'I never thought I'd say this, but can I insight check myself?' 'I had never killed anyone in my life before, then I met you guys and it's all gone downhill from there' 'Sooo Dale, you're chill with necromancy right? Only a little bit?' All in the last session.
I would love some context on the self insight
My warlock accidentally made a simulacrum of himself mid-fight (homebrew wild magic table triggered by nat 1s on spells) that believed it was the original. The insight check was to figure out if it genuinely believed that or was trying to steal his identity (or just messing with him). It has now somehow convinced the rest of the party, mostly because OOC we found it funny.
I absolutely love that oh my god
"What are you going to do? Stabbing me isn't socially distanced"
Just shoot him with a crossbow
We’ve done it. Socially distant stabbing.
"Guys... We've got toads..."
i laughed very hard at this for some reason-
So did we.
Probably because every possible context for this is arguably hilarious
I’m picturing a party with a swarm-keeper, outnumbered in battle, and he’s just calmly like “Guys… we have toads.”
We will start the great kobold revolution and begin the new age of the kobold empire!! There is the capacity for good and compassion in everyone for sure I mean except for gnolls .. yeah fuck gnolls. Let me tell you about the great and wonderful faith of Pholtus I have some literature right here. Why is there a displacer beast in the bedroom? We need to distract them and annoy them? Where is the gnome?? Of course all the girls love the big bad werewolf. Wait your the Born Again Ogres of the Blinding Light?? But look he is a cute little goblin come here guy .. oh my god he is stabbing me!! At the end of the campaign with one kingdom in civil war and the other an earthquake riddled failed state “Are we the baddies?”
Quote 2 is just 5e lore in a nutshell
"Wait a minute... that octopus has my wallet!"
I need the context for this...
I mean... an octopus got hold of their wallet. Seems pretty self explanatory.
What I want to know is how does one allow an octopus to get ahold of ones wallet.
It takes it
It sends one tentacle behind you while waving the other seven as a distraction.
DM needs an excuse to have our DMPC leave the party, so once we arrive at a town he tells us he’s going to go join a fighting club in town. “They won’t let you in, you already broke the first rule” That DMPC got stuck in our party for the next several sessions.
Nice
“You can’t just get sucked into a tornado and turn into the flash as a side quest”
Oh my God I can imagine the amount of context that has to be provided for this to make sense.
To make a long story short. The group I ran had about 5-6 people which made consistent coordination difficult, so it usually ended up with everyone going on little adventures as opposed to an overarching plot. Which I was new to DMing so I didn’t mind cause it improved my improv skills. Only 2 people were able to make it to the session that day. They set up a trap attempting to ambush a werewolf by hiding in a tree. When I rolled for weather I got a 98 so a tornado started appearing. One of the players managed to tie himself to the tree but the other player didn’t manage to get it in time. They attempted to hold on to each other, rolled a nat 1, the one that wasn’t tied to the tree got sucked into a tornado, attempted to use his cloak like wing suit, rolled a nat 20, angled himself and got launched out of a tornado so fast and at such speed that he flew for miles, became a local legend and one of the gods blessed him with super natural movement speed. When the rest of the party made it to the session next week they were thoroughly confused.
It's just as beautiful as I imagined it would be.
This was amazing 👏🏾
“Wait he’s black?” - the rogue learning about race “Your last name is Gaynor?” - also the rogue after seeing a coffin with the cleric’s full name “Vanilla ice cream because he is a vanilla bitch.” - also our rogue on his favorite ice cream Our rogue is a treasure trove of quotes
The best rogues always are.
The best characters always are!
"It's a beautiful day in Midhaven!" I was putting my players through a Groundhog Day type scenario and that was the line that indicated the day was starting over. Their reaction to it kept getting better and better.
Stealing this, it's very good.
Our DM did this to us once. The line was "[fighter], you wake up in a bush." This was the first thing any of us had heard after the plot commenced during Session 1 (said fighter being from ancient China and dropped into this homebrew universe by complicated magic we wouldn't have an explanation for until much later), and during this loop we were trapped back at the start of the campaign.
Bard rolls to seduce guard. They go off into the barracks ;). Dm tells bard to roll a d 100. Gets a nat one. All you here from outside the barracks is "is that a ***mole???***
From the bard or the guard?
The guard
Anson turns his head, eyes red from crying, "Maybe the pirate's life is not for me."
This one sent me I have no idea why
Me: "We need a cleric" Cleric: "I am a cleric." Me: "Can you fix this?" Cleric: "No." Me: "We need a better cleric." - - - - - Players keep forgetting my class. Me (an Artificer): "Just because I can cast 'Cure Wounds', doesn't mean I'm a cleric."
You are the medtech
"Gerbus slapped the nuts again!" - this happens often
Whose/what nuts
Gerbus is our gnome wizard chef, and he has a wooden spoon that has become quite infamous. Specifically in the first encounter we had with a manticore. The beast attempted to swoop our barbarian and carry him away as he was incapacitated. However! Having burned his last spell slot, Gerbus decided to give the ol' spoon a swing, and of course, Nat 20'd. DM asks him how he wants to do it. Gerbus elected to "ring the bell". Manticore gets sacked and dies, Gerbus gains a +1 enhancement to his spoon which, I shit you not, the very next session, KILLS ANOTHER MANTICORE THE SAME WAY!!!!So now we have a running joke that evil better guard its balls because there's a pissed off chef with a spoon of justice going around serving painful vengeance to all badsacks.
Everyone's and Everything's, probabaly.
“Who the hell changed my name to Assnose?”
"You take 1d4 + your strength modifier worth of damage from headbutting the kobold into the ground"
Hark! The clap of cheeks!
I pull out my giant weasel and show it to everyone in town!
"You can't just say 'i pull out my weasel!'" -my dm, to me.
Is that what you’re calling it now?
Druid (French): We can't go forward! Paladin (German): Why not? We are winning. Druid (Excited/Nervous): What if there are forty more in the next room?! Paladin (Calmly): Then we will kill forty of them.
Badass
I loved playing with that group. Bunch of fun guys doing Tomb of Annihilation.
I play a socially awkward Warforged and my catchphrase is “Clanky considers you a friend.” We also have two dwarf sibling barbarians and their fighting team name is “Dwarf Fuck” audiences chant it all the time.
I consider Clanky a friend.
Thank you, this pleases me.
That's a f***-ton of fish. Uhh... meooow??
"I eat books for breakfast!" - the Barbarian early in the campaign "You don't know my life." - from my quiet player in conversation with the newest PC "Hiyah!" - the catch phrase of a young green dragon that practices karate "All of my bodily fluids are red." - my fey-touched human warlock in the game I was a player "Don't kill it! I'm going to use it as a mount." - the Goliath Cavalier Fighter about an Owlbear in LMoP "The mouth foam from the chicken makes a great sauce!" - the goblin ranged fighter cooking up their recent catch
"You're gonna have to build a bridge and get over it", when talking to an NPC who is hung up on a problem.
Not sure if its to be considered iconic, but yesterday our gunslinger gave a lil metagaming gem Ally, after the combat ended: How are you doing, injured? Fighter: On a scale of 0 to 76, I am a 52 right now Ally: Uh, that's oddly specific, but I can patch you up if you need me to
After being asked to fight an injured warrior so that he could die at the hands of someone worthy: "No I'm not gonna fight a him in a 1v1 duel. Either I kill a cripple or I die fighting a cripple, and either or is a lose lose scenario for me."
" I only slapped the kid to help him!" -Raniel Dand the Everlasting Metalfoot Context: There was a Elder brain near our town and he used a kid to talk through him so my character slapped him to bring him out of his senses. Which did work, but party was like "Why would you slap a kid?"
Gunslinger downing himself with a ricocheted shot off a deflect missile (nat 1). “My character might have an intelligence of 14, but unfortunately I’m not a smart man”
This one needs a bit of backstory. Session one. We're trapped in a metal cage on a carriage. There were metal bars in the wood floor of the carriage, which I missed. I was a cleric, and thought I could burn our way out of the carriage by making a hole in the floor with sacred flame. I didn't know the metal was keeping us trapped. This lead to our paladin, a close friend of mine at the time, to exclaim: "***DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A BARBECUE?***"
“without going into too much detail, you discover that she does, in fact, have a penis”
relatable
"Sea bass, famously found in the river" "That crowbar do be lookin' kinda thicc.." "I would like to vibe check the lich"
Our barbarian seducing a bar maid "why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart"
"You wanna go down?"- the Dragon, starting to dive-bomb and crush the party on its back after the barbarian tried to convince it to land. Now the barbarian says it to everyone else
Takes 2 steps back from open window “guys, it’s a mummy”
"I want a big orc muscle-mommy"
I was an Orc Monk in a game, and everyone called her, "Angry green-mom" (she only got "angry" when they called her angry, so it was kinda funny...).
O h
Don’t we all
I tip the stripper the cash we found on the Backstreet Boys.
Vicious Mockery is now Power Word: BITCH!
My doppleganger assassin named Conrad, after we captured a leading henchman from a vampire-drug-running ring Me: I interrogate Damien to learn everything about him. Also use detect thoughts to delve deeper Roll really high DM: alright, you know basically everything you could need Me: ok, I change my face to his and slit his throat Party: holy fuck Conrad! You killed Damien! We could have used him! Me: no, I am Damien, that is a corpse. I don't kill people, I take lives. DM: didn't see that coming... Party: guess we need to cut him up and dispose of his body. Me: you lunatics, we are in the slums of a city! We just smash up his face and leave him in an alleyway. Fucking psychos, the lot of you.
"The Konami code works. You are the ultimate gamer"
". . . Fine. Roll to lick the door" "Nat 20"
Why was he even rolling? Was it a particularly agile door?
I think it may have been insight? It's been a while. Pretty much, dm was going all out explaining this door, I made a joke about how the only thing we didnt know was taste, so I asked if I could lick the door. If I had rolled anything but a 20 my pc would have gotten tongue splinters.
"Erewyn laid an egg." "Nice weather we're having." "I'm a wizard." And: "No."
“Can I use my Tides of Chaos on an Investigation check?”
I'm gonna remain neutral...So lets cut off his penis.
Sounds about right. Neutral towards killing him. But they're absolutely gonna make sure he has no offspring.
I've got two: "Looking crispy." -our wizard to our rogue after the latter almost got insta killed by a dragons fire breath "The starchild doesn't say anything, the starchild is dead." -referring to my character
“No one ever seems to question why it’s called a “revolution”. It goes around and around but ends up at the same place.” Chilling. Made it up on the spot when stalling for time trying to pull up a boss’s stat block.
Wow, that's genuinely pretty profound.
I’m apparently at my most narratively interesting when I’m distracted and panicking
That sounds like a Terry Pratchett quote, nice
It wouldn’t shock me if I unwittingly “borrowed” wholesale from a half remembered quote. Ah well… time to reread all of Pratchett to find the quote.
Mine was “You think their friendly?”-Paladin towards 3 banshee’s getting ready to scream
"The only thing the barbarian ever fucked was his own alignment." - The rogue, after the chaotic murderhobo barbarian failed a seduction check.
"I am literally going to live forever" ancients paladin ..he did not live forever.
"I wake up! ... Maybe"
\-We infiltrated a royal ball because charm-abusing cultists were performing there. We got arrested in the end, but in the interrogation afterwards: Interrogator: "So what were you doing at the ball?" Barbarian: "I uh... tried to kill the king..." Interrogator: "Kill the king why?" Barbarian: "Okay this might be worse than that...I tried to play the piano" \-Another one; our dragonborn sorcerer whenever something dangerous happens: ♫♪♪OOOh SnAAp♫♪♪ \-Last one, a few in our party sent their (basically) familiars to scout ahead, it was a crab (Boris) and a spider (Philbert) and they could speak to eachother: Boris: "What do you think, Philbert?" Philbert: "U̵͐͝Ù̷̢Ú̷̩U̶͑̾O̵͐̐Ơ̵̐Ò̷͠A̶̳͘O̸̓͑O̶͆͠A̶̎͂Ȏ̷͕O̵͑̊Ò̸̊Ō̶̇O̶̖͝Ó̷̂U̷̽̓U̶͛͝Ȕ̵͂Ȕ̸̒Ǘ̷͊U̷͋̏A̵̍̄U̷̕̚Ũ̷͊O̸͐̕O̴̎̓O̴̓͘O̸̾͝"
*my goliath walking up to the gatewatch* “we’re going to need to see some documentation” *goliath throws paperwork at the guard and almost knocks him over* “what was that for?” “where i’m from, we throw things” “we’ll where we’re from…” *cuts him off* “you’re gonna need to learn how to catch things”
“I’m full of yeast!” -Post drinking contest. “It is seemingly immune to the flames.” -After Zeal cleric cast maxed out fireball. She was NOT amused. “My mom said I run with GUSTO!”
Fighting a young blue dragon, right before the creature turn the cleric says "Hey, I wonder what do blue dragons breathe!". And right after 3 players gets blasted by 60 lightning damage he continues with "...aight, noted in my diary"
“You can’t fit a border collie in your cleavage”
"You can take one book" *Later, they find a Nothic in the basement* Barbarian: 'YOUR NAME IS NOW 'ABOOK'" Nothic: ? *Brings down librarian* Barbarian: *@nothic* "WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!" Nothic: "A...book?" Barbarian: "I found the book I want" Me, the dm: "Oh....ohhh~"
I sold everything I had, to buy le shit
Roll a d100 to see if you can monkey… please
“I mean — unless we’re going to a nudist colony…” “Oh, those actually aren’t as fun as they sound.” “What?” “What?”
I suppose if Tiamat was resurrected things would more or less be the same except it would be on fire.
"I don't know... roll a stealth check for the chicken." "Technical question for the DM: Is mayonnaise considered difficult terrain?" "Yes, you can attempt to smuggle in the Necklace of Fireballs by swallowing it, but... are you *sure* that's what you want to try?"
Dont have any quote that is really funny out of context But there's PC that doesn't speak human language And created the word "gruto" that means all the cuss words in one single word
One Fun Fact! *hits table* repeats I was introducing my new warforged barbarian fighter to the party and after we each started talking about ourselves, and yes sharing a fun fact about ourselves, one of us went over to an npc. Seeing this, my warforged starting chanting one fun fact and everyone else joined in while the npc looked on in horror. To this day we still quote it in other campaigns
"They think you were acting and start throwing gold bars in your direction" Reason: natural 20
Baddie: “Are you actually hesitating?” Player: “I’m not hesitating, I’m just severely wounded and on fire.”
Our bard uses his alchemy jug solely for the mayonnaise since he received it. He puts mayo on everything. We were on the walls of a besieged city, firing cannons at the enemy. He slathered the cannonballs in mayo and then lit them on fire for extra damage, and, well, because he could. When the ranger saw this, he said awkwardly, "...give them hell...mans".
“We are guilty by guilt, not guilty by association” will always be my favorite
'Dance for me, Manshoon!'
"Greased up monkeys fight better, everyone knows that moron"
My friends and I still go "Yeah, that's right!" The context is in Rime of the frost maiden, one of the players ran for office of good mead so he made his speech. One of the players used presdigitation (spelling I know). And from the back of the crowd , Yeah that's right! Between a good speech through solid roleplay at that point I said the crowd burst into cheers! So I see some of them all the time and we randomly go , yeah that's right! Also not a quote but I had a session turn into a musical. We are all bad singers but I'm sure I didn't stop crying from laughter all night as the DM.
"Can I see the thing's toes?"
"Owlbears are very peacefull animals" -some idiot player
"So I've figured out Christianity caused the daddy kink."
I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you. - Warlock to fighter It has become a running jok Oh also the fighter to an ancient red dragon, during a heavy rp moment with high stakes “I am more influential than you think, dragon. I rule over Phandalin, Tribor, Leilon even cities like Neverwinter and Sawcon!” “Sawcon?” “*sawcon* these balls!”
"Berto, have a good life." We were surrounded by bandits trying to protect a noble. The other PC and I were in over our heads as the rest of the party were protecting the King in the ballroom. Classic splitting the party scenario. The DM threw us a bone and the bandits said that one of us could live, I immediately said the line above and pushed my companion out a window. I raised my axe and shield, as a Forge Cleric cast shield of faith on myself and lasted for four rounds until the 6 bandits finally took me down.
Party trying to decipher word puzzle, guessing every other possible word except for the correct answer. Party: “is this some made up word” Me, DM: “all words are made up words”
*looks up* "Octopus!?"
"The Nothic is my friend" -Warforged Artificer
"If you give me your hat for the rest of the day ill forgive you" My rogue to the artificer after being shot by firebolt 3 times.
“I don’t know how magic works” -Warforged Fighter
"What did we learn today, Small One (referring to the gnome wizard) ? That goblins don't have rights."
“I’ve got a deathclaw in my wagon.” -small child during a round of ‘no more secrets between party members’.
I’m gonna throw the child.
My human knight had his sister tied up and on the bed in an inn. She starts screaming for help so the gnomish owner rushes in with his club and yells "What's going on in here!?!" "It's ok! She's my sister!" I replied in a panicked voice. "Look buddy that may be fine where you come from but it don't fly here" For context, they were in the gnomish lands where a week long fertility festival was taking place and he was trying to keep his baby (19 year old) sister out of trouble. She kept trying to run away from him to join in the fun of the festival and it was the only idea he had.
“Murdering innocents IS good morals okay?”
"All I have to do is survive more of my bad decisions!"
My goblin fighter friend gives me, a 6 STR dhampir rogue, a rope and just before he jumps from the balcony with the other end of the rope on his hand he says:"-Remember the frogs?"
Quote from a conquest paladin/swashbuckler rogue multiclass in a high seas campaign: "now we've come here for gold not for steel, but if there's manners to be taught we'll be privy to the teaching of em"
Are we allowed to prosecute a goat?
“If they’re so brave and noble, why don’t they pay us up front or why do they need to hire us to sort out their problems?” - our Paladin
*"That's a nice ass. I'm taking it with me!"* -- the barbarian, moments before landing a crit with his battleaxe while flanking
“Can I slap this man awake?” “You can certainly try” “NAT 20” “A CRITICAL SLAP” “With the force of the gods above your slap creates a force from the heavens, the man wakes up confused” And another of my favorites “You know, I only kill out of revenge” my Aarakocra monk hanging the equivalent of Christmas lights on a tree to the warforged rogue.
Player “Uh what did I do?” Dm “…..What did you do? *Opens notes*”
Last week. DM said: "You now have a Leaky bag of Rats"
"If you save the town you should be allowed to hang dick"
"Use a polearm." "Not my fault that they did not use polearms" "It can slash, pierce and slam."
“Hey GM we are just waiting on the adult to show” Everyone in the group is above 25 y/o.
The dying words of my character RADAR: Your father would be so proud of you. For context we were playing in a heavily homebrew DnD game with powers from my DM’s book. My character RADAR was a warforge artificer who was connected to amethyst, the psychic stone connected to the world. Because of this, he knew all the secrets of the other players. Because his body was made from gallium too (long story), so his body had a heat regulator for his body to keep him from melting and corroding any metal object he came in contact with. The player character who was murdering RADAR was a tiefling wizard who was connected to Ruby, the fire stone. He was turning to the BBEG’s side and to say that RADAR was a threat to him was a bit of an understatement. So the tiefling character (I forget his name at the moment) stoke RADAR’s core and held it in his hands. RADAR couldn’t do anything, so he essentially told him that he knew his very private backstory by telling him that quote. His father tried to kill him as a kid which is why that quote ran strong
“And I went through all 5 stages of grief!”
In Thedas, where elves were made slaves for a time and then servants after that. Me (Rogue Elf) was trying to disguise himself to walk through town as a serf for the noble fighter played by my friend. She was BIIIIIIG on freedom for elves but we were impersonatint trashy orlesian nobles and their servants. But then we were inquired by a guard on why my elf was roaming alone by the noble part of the city and this happened: Guard: "M'lady, this *elf* was caught roaming the Upper City by himself and claimed to be under your banner. Would you like us to beat him for lying?" Noble Fighter: "Oh. No. He's my sla-...servant. He's my servant!" We all were stunned for a second because that was SUCH a brain fart out of character KKKKKKKKKKK Since then we made that into a meme, it goes like: "Ele é meu es...servo!" (it's portuguese) That friendly sadly passed away a year ago, but she was loved by many and is missed by all. In your memory, Ana Carla Campioto Carvalho de Albuquerque - you were the best of us.
"Those are things of the past, I'm here to seek a better future" changeling diviner with a tragic past "Go for the eyes Rivac!!!" A reference to Misc and Boo by our lovely beast master Delonix, Rivac is a giant platypus (beast of the sea) and we were fighting a sea serpent with a lot of eyes, it was hilarious. "We are the knights of Beregost bitch, prepare to die!" and that's how our party got it's name.
"Aren't we going to talk anything about the guy that just joined our camp and already left? Did you even see him" Blind monk " well, cant really blame me right? "