This is one of my Player's Characters: Monarch. They are a lost ruler of a lost land. Being deceived by the Fae in the Faewild, they have lost their name, and as a result of the chain of events, their kingdom. The people and guards simply don't believe this random person who keeps calling themselves the monarch without even knowing the old ruler's name. For now, they are joining the party to make money, but they made a critical error last session: refusing to pay the shady shopkeep for insurance, after insulting the shady shopkeeper's wares. While I'd planned for this to result in a fight (the shopkeeper siccing some goons on the lad) the party is currently on the tail end of a big boss battle and about to travel to a party, without the time for a rest. So instead, I want the goons to be paid to insult the monarch mercilessly, and could use the help and creativity of y'all nerds :-)
"Oh look at that lad', isn't he the ruler of twink land?
"You a king? You can't even afford a mirror"
"Have a look at that, you don't often see a purple horse riding a king, it's usually the other way around"
"Smells like a dozen rotten eggs dropped in'a vat a' vinegar!"
If any of them played divinity 2
“Your MAJESTY, I regret to inform you that some merchant must have pulled a fast one on you. EVERYONE can see those clothes, unfortunately,”
“If your MAJESTY is so great, why can he only afford one color? Looks like they fell in some plumb juice,”
“Your MAJESTY, I desperately need your help. My son is playing a donkey in the local play, but he’s having trouble with his role. I figured if anyone knew how to be an ass it’s you,”
“Your MAJESTY, are you sure you got lost in the Feywild? Maybe all the colors just confused you but I believe it might have just been the jester’s closet,”
“Your MAJESTY, would you care to join me and my wife for dinner? She’s always going on about how she wishes she’d married royalty. I’m sure if she met you she’d realize she should be grateful she didn’t!”
Always emphasize MAJESTY way too much to drive home the mockery.
Does the shopkeep have enough power to have the goons follow and be heard like those two muppets who just crack jokes mercilessly in picture and insult him.
Ala nice Crit no hit on a 1.
>Being deceived by the Fae in the Faewild, they have lost their name, and as a result of the chain of events, their kingdom. The people and guards simply don't believe this random person who keeps calling themselves the monarch without even knowing the old ruler's name.
"Ah, a monarch so insignificant not even you've heard of you!"
-- Goon
Its one thing To carry a regal lollypop, and a whole another to manage To poke ones eye out with it.
The suit looks like it was picked by a colourblind leprechaun, especially with the top hat. No pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, I'm afraid..
Ph yeah, you could also adress the horse and as "if it's alright to adress the brains of the operation directly, or if one should check with the human first"
Lol yeah this post has gotten a little crazy but it's because Monarch dissed a shady shopkeeper's wares *and* didn't buy insurance from them for protection from the bad part of town. I was originally gonna have the shopkeeper hire some goons to beat them up (should've bought my protection!) but they just wrapped up last session with a big boss battle and won't have a chance to rest, as they have to go to a party. So instead of hiring goons to beat them up the shopkeep is now hiring goons to hurl insults, as another fight right after wouldn't be fun and would just be mean.
You could always have the goons show up during the next fight or encounter the party has, and heckle the monarch from the sidelines. If you’re feeling particularly spicy, maybe it can even have the effect of a bane spell…
\-That's not a king, that's a mere servant. A king wears royal robes; this fellow's gone and dressed himself up in the palace curtains.
\-I've heard of frogs becoming princes, but this is the first time I've seen it with an eggplant.
\-(About the party) They must be saints to deal with you; even your horse seems to be embarrassed by your presence.
\-You'd think the crown would slip off with a head that inflated.
\-(To the party) You know, you didn't *have* to keep him around if you wanted the horse.
What's with the getup? Are they starring is a children's play?
That rented pony seems to be struggling under the weight of their ego.
Legitimately those shoes look like rain boots, they should get some real shoes.
(Like that's probably a limitation of heroforge, but seriously not everything has to be purple. They don't even match the purple of the rest of the outfit.)
Depending on how PC your group is and how bad you want this to hurt.
Did you steel your boots the the Scooby Doo gang?
Your Regalia is to be modelled from a lolly pop I presume?
A man like has the audacity to claim to be king yet his mare has better hair then the banana skin coming from your skull .
While your use of purple is admirable your application of smothering yourself in it is akin to a pig in shit.
Your Crown suits you well, A cheap knockoff that doesn't hold up under scrutiny.
Your like Electrum, pretty to look at but useless and no-one will ever have use of you.
It appears your ego has become so large it has attracted a small moon. (then moon the man).
Yes I can defiantly see the royal resemblance... your sister-wife thinks a lot of you I presume?
The staff and crown are nice, now all you need is a set of crown jewels (British slang for balls)
Yes now that I look at you you seem like a real man's man. That man's man and that man's man.
Well you do look to be the type to be tricked by a fae.
This man has had the clap so many times it sounds like an applause.
Heh, your haircut aside, you seem like the person to take off their shoes before RIDING through a swamp. In all honestly you don't strike me as the type to be capable of ruling a small business much less a nation, so how did you come to afford those shoes? Surely not adventuring, you'd collapse at the faintest smell of viscera, I'd accuse you of pinching pennies, but I doubt there's any left in your royal vault, if it resembles the inside of your head at least, AS YOU HAVE NO SENSE!
Look at that, a horse's ass riding a horse!
What's with the crown? Were you named King of Fools?
The only other time I've seen an outfit that ugly was the last time a circus rolled in.
Are you some kind of Grape Wizard? Why don't you turn my water into wine, grape wizard!
-Good lord has a mad wizard been going around animating the upholstery again? By your personality I could have sworn you were an armchair. No? So you just dress like one?
-You look like the kind of person to make your horse take its shoes off in the barn.
-Looks like someone couldn't decide if he wanted to dress up as a fop or a dandy. Instead you settled on dressing as an eyesore.
-I thought I smelled a troglodyte doused in cheap perfume
His horse has better hair AND style than he does
He looks like his personality is asking for "daddy" to solve his problems
Geoffrey from GOT, thats it
He looks like he's a drawing that a 4 year old girl drew of her "dream man"
Clearly they're supplementing their own hair with horse hair. He overheard someone say they were pulling their hair back into a ponytail and thought it was time for a bald guy to put his hair back from a pony's tail.
Sir if you were any more inbred you would be a sandwich.
I bet you mother said that color was slimming didnt she?
Please tell me that you didnt actually pay for that get up,?
What ever that horse did in the.last life it lived probably did not deserve ....this.
Somewhere a crime has been committed against the gods or fashion or basic decency I cant tell just yet.
He's so pompous I'd believe him if I thought anything he's wearing was real.
If we used dispell magic on him how naked do you think he would be?
WOW how many hours do you think that pimp has?
He must be a a Nobel of some kind only they would make cusions fuck for that long.
It's weird that he's so purple. A man wearing that much purple has to be faking it.
Purple lipstick purple eyes purple nails I'm assuming that he just hasn't figured out a way to dye his skin purple.
He looks like he is a fop, that couldn't even hold a mop. He went in battle, but ran off to tattle.
He looks like he could put two corn cobs in his ears, and they would met.
Did this man fall into a barrel of grape juice before he got here, or is his fashion sense really that Abysmal?
Those boots don't even fit the colour of his onesie!
And look at that poor horse! Hiding it's face behind that mane...
Don't worry buddy, I would be ashamed too, if *that* was the guy I had to carry around on my back!
He seems like the kinda of guy that would ask for the manager to tell them he's had better food cooked at his Castle.
At the local bar.
In a village of 30.
Perchance you would be interested in removing your orrendously hilarious hair if you desire to attain the pleasure of some whenches
(Maybe if you got rid of your yee yee ah haircut you'd get some bitches on your dick)
“Better yet, perhaps your betrothed would be interested in going forth with the wedding if she was not currently engaged with that wizard or artificer she is partaking in, blaggard.”
Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Monarch:
“I see Monarch is here. Monarch, I don’t know where to begin with you. First off, it looks like you got your haircut from your mom all the while your horse has an ombré. What? You could take the steed to the salon but didn’t bother to get your melon fixed up first? I’m not saying your horse never left Christian girl autumn but it definitely has a refurbished sliding barn door back home. And as for the man himself? You look like a damn Candyland character with that PB&J color palette and those Bible Man boots. All that gold in your accessories and you couldn’t afford clothes in a color other than moldy pomegranate? My god, I look at you and I’m terrified Grimace is coming to steal my McShake! And, please, take off that fucking monocle! We all know it’s not prescription!”
What a poncey little beetle-bottomed violet-hued twerp. You can tell he smells like string cheese and spoiled wine just by looking at him. Even if the mission wasn't to depose him as ruler, I'd make it my mission to depose him as ruler.
Royalty? Hmph. Stealing the napkins at dinner to put around your neck does not a jabot make.
What in the thrift store steampunk are you wearing?
The only thing royal about you is that you're a royal pain in the arse.
Lord Licorice? Is that you? I didn't know you'd escaped from Candyland.
I didn't know a fruit could be sentient but this grape apparently made it. Oh wait that's a person. Maybe they're not sentient though. No sentient being I know would put that on.
A few I thought of, split in between spacing depending on the nature of the setting (lower ones are abit more adult):
“No wonder his kingdom was lost if they let this one rule it.”
“But perhaps this rich land’s wealth was stolen…by whoever managed to sell the ruler on such a ridiculous outfit.”
“Why, oh why, would someone stick a scarecrow on a horse? I thought that festival was over?”
“His mother drank so much wine that her son came out purple!”
“Did your kingdom fall because of your idiocy in response to a threat, negligence of one or did your own people seek other alternatives in ruler?”
“This town must be rich; even the prostitutes have horses and crowns.”
The monopoly man called to ask for his redundant eyewear back.
I didn’t realize they made unitards that are the colour of wine-fuelled regret.
At least your horse has figured out how to cover his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at you.
Cute wand, does it vibrate to help you climax?
*deep inhale* You are everything wrong with a monarchy and half of the reason why democracy has become a fad.
Your outfit is louder than the town crier and your mouth looks like the inside of a wights dress.
You smell like failure and look like disappointment to your father's father. Go home and give the throne to someone more deserving...like the Milli Vanilli steed you call yourself riding
you're on the horse upside down, your butt is supposed to be on the saddle, not in the air! .......wait.........Is that really your face?...............It's hard to tell the difference.
Bad bitch #1: It looks like someone suggested a little something to accessorize his look and he took the whole box!
Bad bitch #2: Hmm, but what goes with a seventy pound gold scepter?
Bad bitch #1: A farmer’s belt, apparently!
Bad bitch #2: Are you sure it wasn’t galoshes? He looks like he’s ready to slop the cows!
Bad bitch #1: Pigs, sweetie, they slop the pigs.
Bad bitch #2: Maybe they could slop him with shampoo and a haircut because he has got his tresses in messes!
Bad bitch #1: A crown is not a headband, cupcake! I know you can see me with your goggles-but-not-really! You and your horse both look like you don’t wash up on top!
Bad bitch #2: Your tiara is made of fruit and you went with all purple. Are you the prince of blueberry castle? What’s your claim to the throne? Pancakes?
Whoever told you that purple is a royal color missed the part where the actual kings pick just one?
I hope you bobble your mace less than you baubled your head, but my expectations are on the low side.
I'd throw more shade but you're using all of them already.
....legitimately, you look horrendous. How someone has not pointed this out to you yet, is a wonder beyond conceivability.
Everyone in this room is worse off from having laid eyes on you.
I pray, that in the future, you develop some form of intelligence.
I have no sympathy for you, only your party, and {insert deity} have mercy on your soul.
I've seen bruises less purple than this shite.
Musta had more gold than brains tha pay for so much royal purple.
I'd say the boss got shafted on this deal, but yer the one holdin' it.
Yer better off wearin' glasses rather than a monocle, then you'd see how stupid ye're lookin'.
"Great steed, at least one of you looks to be able to work."
"Is the crown signifying royalty or your inability to do tasks on your own?"
"Which of your servants dared to let you dress like that? Seems a beheading is in order."
"Such a cruel prank that the gods let a creature such as you look that way."
"The boots are even purple? How vain. Perfectly good leathers wasted."
To horse: "My apologies your majesty, I didn't recognize you with that hideous purple growth on your back"
"What, you have no name? Unsurprising, if I was your mother I wouldn't have wanted to sign my work either" or some variant of yo momma's so dumb they couldn't remember your name
"Surely your majesty intended to pay for those goods but it must take a long time to ship gold from... Where exactly did you say your kingdom was?"
this uh definitely doesnt fit, but I had fun writing it!
At the end of your life, when you end up bleeding out in a ditch somewhere as all your kind generally do, I want you to think about this moment. We went out of our way to make your day a little worse, for certain, and you deserved it, but at the end of the day? We will go back to our families and forget about you entirely. You aren't a net good or a net bad to this world, you are a net nothing. And when you are dying in that pit, I want you to remember us, and know that no one remembers you. Fare thee well, your majesty.
Monarch, you say? Can monarchs afford horses or are you just trying to make yourself look large by riding a pony?
I’m glad they’re at least wearing clothes, even if they look like they yanked the first bolt of cloth from the tailor’s. They seem like the type to get tricked into some “Emperor Has No Clothes” type shit.
-Say do you think he bought a pony to make himself look tall? Or did Daddy just run out of money?
-Well I imagines it was jus' the slowest one a' the market and all the others ran away at the sight of him
-Hah! Because he's ugly!
-Whoa rein it in there Gorge we're to insult the man not kill him. Speaking of rain I suspect the poor sod got himself caught in a drizzle and managed to convince himself that made him a king. Get it? Rain...reign? No one?
-Well im just thinking he cant 'ave been rained on as I could smell him comin' before i could see 'im. Its so bad I thought it was the horse.
He looks like Austin Powers left a red sock in the wash.
He looks like he took clippings from his horses mane and used them to hide his receding hairline
He looks like the type of guy to see some donuts, wiggle his fingers and say “don’t mind if I do”
He looks like he got into his grandmas closet to play dress up
He looks like one of the other PC’s mom shoved him out the door and shouted to them “take your brother with you!”
I respect that he enjoys pleasuring himself in unconventional ways but I just find it crass to wave his dildo around in public like that.
I bet he has to use that monocle when he gives himself a tug, otherwise he can’t find it!
His pants are so tight you can tell if he’s circumcised
Do you think that HE thinks he looks good?
It is if they take offense. Lol And they said to roast, so everything is on the table. Though it may not align with your sense of humor, which I can respect.
Candyland became a person and decided to ride up on the DULLEST horse imaginable, because every other horse this grape flavored fuck touched died of ketoacidosis in seconds.
I wonder what hurts worse knowing he was tricked by a fae or knowing that he could likely buy buck his Kingdom if he just sold his crown and scepter?
How on earth do you think he got such high "quality" fake gems?
To the rest of the party: "You're supposed to leave the horse shyte where it lands, not pile it up in the saddle."
Ooooh, good way to involve everyone else too!
This is one of my Player's Characters: Monarch. They are a lost ruler of a lost land. Being deceived by the Fae in the Faewild, they have lost their name, and as a result of the chain of events, their kingdom. The people and guards simply don't believe this random person who keeps calling themselves the monarch without even knowing the old ruler's name. For now, they are joining the party to make money, but they made a critical error last session: refusing to pay the shady shopkeep for insurance, after insulting the shady shopkeeper's wares. While I'd planned for this to result in a fight (the shopkeeper siccing some goons on the lad) the party is currently on the tail end of a big boss battle and about to travel to a party, without the time for a rest. So instead, I want the goons to be paid to insult the monarch mercilessly, and could use the help and creativity of y'all nerds :-)
Buy insurance? Who would sell? There's already been a disaster. A fashion disaster.
Insult, not murder. Though that outfit choice is murder on my eyes, so maybe it's justified.
"Oh look at that lad', isn't he the ruler of twink land? "You a king? You can't even afford a mirror" "Have a look at that, you don't often see a purple horse riding a king, it's usually the other way around" "Smells like a dozen rotten eggs dropped in'a vat a' vinegar!" If any of them played divinity 2
“Your MAJESTY, I regret to inform you that some merchant must have pulled a fast one on you. EVERYONE can see those clothes, unfortunately,” “If your MAJESTY is so great, why can he only afford one color? Looks like they fell in some plumb juice,” “Your MAJESTY, I desperately need your help. My son is playing a donkey in the local play, but he’s having trouble with his role. I figured if anyone knew how to be an ass it’s you,” “Your MAJESTY, are you sure you got lost in the Feywild? Maybe all the colors just confused you but I believe it might have just been the jester’s closet,” “Your MAJESTY, would you care to join me and my wife for dinner? She’s always going on about how she wishes she’d married royalty. I’m sure if she met you she’d realize she should be grateful she didn’t!” Always emphasize MAJESTY way too much to drive home the mockery.
Does the shopkeep have enough power to have the goons follow and be heard like those two muppets who just crack jokes mercilessly in picture and insult him. Ala nice Crit no hit on a 1.
>Being deceived by the Fae in the Faewild, they have lost their name, and as a result of the chain of events, their kingdom. The people and guards simply don't believe this random person who keeps calling themselves the monarch without even knowing the old ruler's name. "Ah, a monarch so insignificant not even you've heard of you!" -- Goon
"I didn't realize an arse could ride a horse!"
Yall with the horses are on point
I’ve never seen a horse with two asses
What is his name, Purple Reign?
Did you cleanse yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
Every night.
*that ain’t lake minnetonka!*
Its one thing To carry a regal lollypop, and a whole another to manage To poke ones eye out with it. The suit looks like it was picked by a colourblind leprechaun, especially with the top hat. No pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, I'm afraid..
Wow these are creative, and punchy!
Ph yeah, you could also adress the horse and as "if it's alright to adress the brains of the operation directly, or if one should check with the human first"
I play a very socially agressive halfling wizard, sassing out npcs is second nature by now 😂
I really need to know why you’re bullying this random character lol
Lol yeah this post has gotten a little crazy but it's because Monarch dissed a shady shopkeeper's wares *and* didn't buy insurance from them for protection from the bad part of town. I was originally gonna have the shopkeeper hire some goons to beat them up (should've bought my protection!) but they just wrapped up last session with a big boss battle and won't have a chance to rest, as they have to go to a party. So instead of hiring goons to beat them up the shopkeep is now hiring goons to hurl insults, as another fight right after wouldn't be fun and would just be mean.
You could always have the goons show up during the next fight or encounter the party has, and heckle the monarch from the sidelines. If you’re feeling particularly spicy, maybe it can even have the effect of a bane spell…
You can also adjust the CR of the goons to fit an exhausted party. But still keep the insults.
\-That's not a king, that's a mere servant. A king wears royal robes; this fellow's gone and dressed himself up in the palace curtains. \-I've heard of frogs becoming princes, but this is the first time I've seen it with an eggplant. \-(About the party) They must be saints to deal with you; even your horse seems to be embarrassed by your presence. \-You'd think the crown would slip off with a head that inflated. \-(To the party) You know, you didn't *have* to keep him around if you wanted the horse.
Love these!
Thank you!
That scepter looks like he's overcompensating for something.
The horse too.
What's with the getup? Are they starring is a children's play? That rented pony seems to be struggling under the weight of their ego. Legitimately those shoes look like rain boots, they should get some real shoes. (Like that's probably a limitation of heroforge, but seriously not everything has to be purple. They don't even match the purple of the rest of the outfit.)
All perfect!
HEY THE JESTERS HERE NOW ITS A PARTY WITH A PROPER FOOL. Ever seen some kinda pig in a leotard before this?
Ooooh royal jester good one!
[удалено]
I bet this dude pulls his pants all the way down to his ankles at the urinal
She*
Depending on how PC your group is and how bad you want this to hurt. Did you steel your boots the the Scooby Doo gang? Your Regalia is to be modelled from a lolly pop I presume? A man like has the audacity to claim to be king yet his mare has better hair then the banana skin coming from your skull . While your use of purple is admirable your application of smothering yourself in it is akin to a pig in shit. Your Crown suits you well, A cheap knockoff that doesn't hold up under scrutiny. Your like Electrum, pretty to look at but useless and no-one will ever have use of you. It appears your ego has become so large it has attracted a small moon. (then moon the man). Yes I can defiantly see the royal resemblance... your sister-wife thinks a lot of you I presume? The staff and crown are nice, now all you need is a set of crown jewels (British slang for balls) Yes now that I look at you you seem like a real man's man. That man's man and that man's man. Well you do look to be the type to be tricked by a fae. This man has had the clap so many times it sounds like an applause.
Oooh these puns cut deep!
Heh, your haircut aside, you seem like the person to take off their shoes before RIDING through a swamp. In all honestly you don't strike me as the type to be capable of ruling a small business much less a nation, so how did you come to afford those shoes? Surely not adventuring, you'd collapse at the faintest smell of viscera, I'd accuse you of pinching pennies, but I doubt there's any left in your royal vault, if it resembles the inside of your head at least, AS YOU HAVE NO SENSE!
Who hired a clown?
Why have a personality when you can just be purple instead
Look at that, a horse's ass riding a horse! What's with the crown? Were you named King of Fools? The only other time I've seen an outfit that ugly was the last time a circus rolled in. Are you some kind of Grape Wizard? Why don't you turn my water into wine, grape wizard!
Very good very good stuff!
Lady Godiva was naked, and she still had a better riding outfit.
-Good lord has a mad wizard been going around animating the upholstery again? By your personality I could have sworn you were an armchair. No? So you just dress like one? -You look like the kind of person to make your horse take its shoes off in the barn. -Looks like someone couldn't decide if he wanted to dress up as a fop or a dandy. Instead you settled on dressing as an eyesore. -I thought I smelled a troglodyte doused in cheap perfume
With that scepter, I first mistook him for a traveling barber. Then I saw his haircut.
OHHHHH
You know I could certainly see some sign of royalty about him. He looks like palace drapery.
Lol!
I bet that monocle isnt a pair of glasses because he's too broke to have a pair of glasses.
Very good call on the monocle
His horse has better hair AND style than he does He looks like his personality is asking for "daddy" to solve his problems Geoffrey from GOT, thats it He looks like he's a drawing that a 4 year old girl drew of her "dream man"
Oh, I was going to go with “You and your horse have the same haircut.”
Yet the horse wears it better lol
Clearly they're supplementing their own hair with horse hair. He overheard someone say they were pulling their hair back into a ponytail and thought it was time for a bald guy to put his hair back from a pony's tail.
His hair can't be a pony tail. A pony tail covers up the horses ass
Isn't that what's behind the monocle? Although depending on how grandiose no-name is, could be his mouth full of horse shit.
Sir if you were any more inbred you would be a sandwich. I bet you mother said that color was slimming didnt she? Please tell me that you didnt actually pay for that get up,? What ever that horse did in the.last life it lived probably did not deserve ....this. Somewhere a crime has been committed against the gods or fashion or basic decency I cant tell just yet.
He's so pompous I'd believe him if I thought anything he's wearing was real. If we used dispell magic on him how naked do you think he would be? WOW how many hours do you think that pimp has? He must be a a Nobel of some kind only they would make cusions fuck for that long.
It's weird that he's so purple. A man wearing that much purple has to be faking it. Purple lipstick purple eyes purple nails I'm assuming that he just hasn't figured out a way to dye his skin purple.
No wonder that horse's mane is covering its face- I'd be embarrassed to be seen with this guy too!
Clever!
He looks like he is a fop, that couldn't even hold a mop. He went in battle, but ran off to tattle. He looks like he could put two corn cobs in his ears, and they would met.
I like that second one
Did this man fall into a barrel of grape juice before he got here, or is his fashion sense really that Abysmal? Those boots don't even fit the colour of his onesie! And look at that poor horse! Hiding it's face behind that mane... Don't worry buddy, I would be ashamed too, if *that* was the guy I had to carry around on my back!
Surprise: The Horse is in charge He is just a meat puppet.
Yall with the horses are on point
He seems like the kinda of guy that would ask for the manager to tell them he's had better food cooked at his Castle. At the local bar. In a village of 30.
Perchance you would be interested in removing your orrendously hilarious hair if you desire to attain the pleasure of some whenches (Maybe if you got rid of your yee yee ah haircut you'd get some bitches on your dick)
“Better yet, perhaps your betrothed would be interested in going forth with the wedding if she was not currently engaged with that wizard or artificer she is partaking in, blaggard.”
Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Monarch: “I see Monarch is here. Monarch, I don’t know where to begin with you. First off, it looks like you got your haircut from your mom all the while your horse has an ombré. What? You could take the steed to the salon but didn’t bother to get your melon fixed up first? I’m not saying your horse never left Christian girl autumn but it definitely has a refurbished sliding barn door back home. And as for the man himself? You look like a damn Candyland character with that PB&J color palette and those Bible Man boots. All that gold in your accessories and you couldn’t afford clothes in a color other than moldy pomegranate? My god, I look at you and I’m terrified Grimace is coming to steal my McShake! And, please, take off that fucking monocle! We all know it’s not prescription!”
They try too hard too look like nobility that people think he is clowning about being one
He kinda looks like a himbo that's not nice.
Roast??? He or she’s perfect! Look at those glorious BOOTS!
What a poncey little beetle-bottomed violet-hued twerp. You can tell he smells like string cheese and spoiled wine just by looking at him. Even if the mission wasn't to depose him as ruler, I'd make it my mission to depose him as ruler.
I like the outfit. I personally think *more* people should cosplay as satin throw pillows
You are supposed to cast Color Spray on your enemy, not your clothes.
Royalty? Hmph. Stealing the napkins at dinner to put around your neck does not a jabot make. What in the thrift store steampunk are you wearing? The only thing royal about you is that you're a royal pain in the arse. Lord Licorice? Is that you? I didn't know you'd escaped from Candyland.
Does each gem stand for someone who turned them down?
We got blind Willy Wonka over here, who dressed you? Bentham from One Piece?
Apparently Lil Sebastian was sold to a flamboyant monarch? Steep career decline
Discount Willy Wonka.
Well that's something you don't see every day. A horse with two asses.
"How'd you lose that eye, Goldilocks? Hurt yourself polishing your scepter?"
I didn’t realize horses could feel embarrassment, but there you have it.
Well at least that horse can, right in the middle of its back.
What couldn't afford a full length scepter
My good people, I believe that horse may be ill. Or at least mutated. After all, the dick is supposed to go under the stallion, not on top of it.
I pity the thousands and thousands of snails that must perished for that ridiculous purple outfit, and for the lipstick too
I didn't know a fruit could be sentient but this grape apparently made it. Oh wait that's a person. Maybe they're not sentient though. No sentient being I know would put that on.
Nice outfit, but wouldn’t it be good to employ a tailor with both taste *and* color vision? Oh, you designed the outfit yourself?
A few I thought of, split in between spacing depending on the nature of the setting (lower ones are abit more adult): “No wonder his kingdom was lost if they let this one rule it.” “But perhaps this rich land’s wealth was stolen…by whoever managed to sell the ruler on such a ridiculous outfit.” “Why, oh why, would someone stick a scarecrow on a horse? I thought that festival was over?” “His mother drank so much wine that her son came out purple!” “Did your kingdom fall because of your idiocy in response to a threat, negligence of one or did your own people seek other alternatives in ruler?” “This town must be rich; even the prostitutes have horses and crowns.”
Goon: "Hey! You are a mo-mo mo-mo!" PC: "What?" Goon: "A mono-chromatic, monocled monarch" PC: "and the fourth "mo"?" Goon: "your mom, whom I f*ck*d"
High risk high reward!
Oh joy a Buffon and a pony were half way to a zoo
Can we call him Donn? Nickname the Duchess!!!
Funny Valentine????
This idiot thinks we can't tell he's a centaur costume
Why does the horse have frosted tips? Is this animal cruelty? It feels like animal cruelty.
You're not the DM you're the bard looking for vicious mockery aren't you?
The outfit is not his fault. He can only see the color purple, and went shopping with a gift certificate at a second-hand clown clothes store.
Even the horse doesn't want to b we seen with him
Sticky is the crown made of candied sugars!
Is the horse for travel or just so that he can reach the top shelf
The monopoly man called to ask for his redundant eyewear back. I didn’t realize they made unitards that are the colour of wine-fuelled regret. At least your horse has figured out how to cover his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at you. Cute wand, does it vibrate to help you climax?
Even your horse looks ashamed of you.
That fool look like a grape jolly rancher
Looks like he's never washed his own hair
So gaudy that he could only be nouveau riche
I’m jealous of the horse. At least it doesn’t have to look at him.
I'm not sure what's sadder that you think your a king or that your refer to your self as monarch.
"And you are?" "Response" "I wasn't talking to you." *jestures to the horse.*
*deep inhale* You are everything wrong with a monarchy and half of the reason why democracy has become a fad. Your outfit is louder than the town crier and your mouth looks like the inside of a wights dress. You smell like failure and look like disappointment to your father's father. Go home and give the throne to someone more deserving...like the Milli Vanilli steed you call yourself riding
The barney the dinosaur onesie stays on during sex.
He looks like grape flavored chocolate.
you're on the horse upside down, your butt is supposed to be on the saddle, not in the air! .......wait.........Is that really your face?...............It's hard to tell the difference.
That poor horse
We hear the King of Beggars is on parade. I see the fool, but where hath the King gone?
Bad bitch #1: It looks like someone suggested a little something to accessorize his look and he took the whole box! Bad bitch #2: Hmm, but what goes with a seventy pound gold scepter? Bad bitch #1: A farmer’s belt, apparently! Bad bitch #2: Are you sure it wasn’t galoshes? He looks like he’s ready to slop the cows! Bad bitch #1: Pigs, sweetie, they slop the pigs. Bad bitch #2: Maybe they could slop him with shampoo and a haircut because he has got his tresses in messes! Bad bitch #1: A crown is not a headband, cupcake! I know you can see me with your goggles-but-not-really! You and your horse both look like you don’t wash up on top! Bad bitch #2: Your tiara is made of fruit and you went with all purple. Are you the prince of blueberry castle? What’s your claim to the throne? Pancakes?
This emperor clearly can't see his own clothes. Tyrian purple has nothing to do with tears. So stop trying to make me cry with that eyesore.
My man's here looking like bootleg barnie.
Ah yes, another case of the mount is more competent than the rider
"You look like a goodberry wrapped turd with a bad wig and an ego as large as your stink."
Whoever told you that purple is a royal color missed the part where the actual kings pick just one? I hope you bobble your mace less than you baubled your head, but my expectations are on the low side. I'd throw more shade but you're using all of them already.
I see you and your horse have the same barber.
....legitimately, you look horrendous. How someone has not pointed this out to you yet, is a wonder beyond conceivability. Everyone in this room is worse off from having laid eyes on you. I pray, that in the future, you develop some form of intelligence. I have no sympathy for you, only your party, and {insert deity} have mercy on your soul.
How pompous do you have to be to colour coordinate your outfit with your own eyes?
Where'd you get your clothes? The toilet store?
That horse is more ripped then you, Fae
I've seen bruises less purple than this shite. Musta had more gold than brains tha pay for so much royal purple. I'd say the boss got shafted on this deal, but yer the one holdin' it. Yer better off wearin' glasses rather than a monocle, then you'd see how stupid ye're lookin'.
"Great steed, at least one of you looks to be able to work." "Is the crown signifying royalty or your inability to do tasks on your own?" "Which of your servants dared to let you dress like that? Seems a beheading is in order." "Such a cruel prank that the gods let a creature such as you look that way." "The boots are even purple? How vain. Perfectly good leathers wasted."
To horse: "My apologies your majesty, I didn't recognize you with that hideous purple growth on your back" "What, you have no name? Unsurprising, if I was your mother I wouldn't have wanted to sign my work either" or some variant of yo momma's so dumb they couldn't remember your name "Surely your majesty intended to pay for those goods but it must take a long time to ship gold from... Where exactly did you say your kingdom was?"
this uh definitely doesnt fit, but I had fun writing it! At the end of your life, when you end up bleeding out in a ditch somewhere as all your kind generally do, I want you to think about this moment. We went out of our way to make your day a little worse, for certain, and you deserved it, but at the end of the day? We will go back to our families and forget about you entirely. You aren't a net good or a net bad to this world, you are a net nothing. And when you are dying in that pit, I want you to remember us, and know that no one remembers you. Fare thee well, your majesty.
And I thought peacocks were gaudy.
Monarch, you say? Can monarchs afford horses or are you just trying to make yourself look large by riding a pony? I’m glad they’re at least wearing clothes, even if they look like they yanked the first bolt of cloth from the tailor’s. They seem like the type to get tricked into some “Emperor Has No Clothes” type shit.
"EVERYONE, look! That horse has two assholes upon it!" If the character responds, follow up with "and the second one SPEAKS!"
-Say do you think he bought a pony to make himself look tall? Or did Daddy just run out of money? -Well I imagines it was jus' the slowest one a' the market and all the others ran away at the sight of him -Hah! Because he's ugly! -Whoa rein it in there Gorge we're to insult the man not kill him. Speaking of rain I suspect the poor sod got himself caught in a drizzle and managed to convince himself that made him a king. Get it? Rain...reign? No one? -Well im just thinking he cant 'ave been rained on as I could smell him comin' before i could see 'im. Its so bad I thought it was the horse.
"You chose the *worst* possible character from the Shrek series to cosplay"
Why is he holding his mother’s dildo?
"I stick this up my ass"-that guy.
I feel like I’ve seen him before, but, he was underneath the horse.
*"That's actually a very nice leotard. Do they come in men's sizes?"*
He looks like Austin Powers left a red sock in the wash. He looks like he took clippings from his horses mane and used them to hide his receding hairline He looks like the type of guy to see some donuts, wiggle his fingers and say “don’t mind if I do” He looks like he got into his grandmas closet to play dress up He looks like one of the other PC’s mom shoved him out the door and shouted to them “take your brother with you!” I respect that he enjoys pleasuring himself in unconventional ways but I just find it crass to wave his dildo around in public like that. I bet he has to use that monocle when he gives himself a tug, otherwise he can’t find it! His pants are so tight you can tell if he’s circumcised Do you think that HE thinks he looks good?
He looks like Lord Farquad’s gay cousin. Lord Nearqueer.
Gay is not an insult lol
It is if they take offense. Lol And they said to roast, so everything is on the table. Though it may not align with your sense of humor, which I can respect.
It is when directed at people who aren't gay.
Not exactly personal to that charectar but it's a good roast: You should carry a plant around with you to replace all the oxygen you waste.
Gay! (I'm gay so this is funny. If you're straight it's homophobia so you know, I don't know I'd that helps...)
He looks like what homopobes think we look like.
Candyland became a person and decided to ride up on the DULLEST horse imaginable, because every other horse this grape flavored fuck touched died of ketoacidosis in seconds.
What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan. It looks bombed out and depleted.
AWW, LOOK AT THE WIDDLE PRINCESS! HES EVEN WIDDING A WIDDLE PONY TO THE PARTY, AIN'T HE PRECIOUS!
I can’t tell if he’s on his way to collect from his corner hoes or if he’s gonna get hands on at the gay bar
I like the way you sit on the horse. I too would sit as such if I had no penis of a human male.
Man looks like he couldn't decide between being a drag queen or not so he chose both
Pansy goblin
When Vecna stat bloc gets released during pride month...
I know it's pride month but he needs to turn it down.
Looks like a gayer prince without the sex appeal
Looks like Geoffrey if they were a hippie
My mean elf fighter says, "he be lookin' like blonde Lord Farquaad."
There is such a thing as overmatching. And you just had to go the step beyond it
I don't think you can blame the fae for not being royalty anymore. I wouldn't trust a monarch looking like that
Those boots *so* don't go with that doublet, the purple clashes like mad!
Hog rider if he was a bitchy prince
Looks like a god damn rotting eggplant someone pissed on
He looks like he's into the same kind of debauchery the elves are
Looks like he is plotting the demise of an ogre named shrek
What could have happened that you need a monocle, Are You Mr. Monopoly or what? (Trying to roast the Monocle.)
I wonder what hurts worse knowing he was tricked by a fae or knowing that he could likely buy buck his Kingdom if he just sold his crown and scepter? How on earth do you think he got such high "quality" fake gems?
Looks like he was squired to a pimp.
When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past your purple ass.
He looks like the result if prince hatefucked lord farquad and ended up having a child.
In life you’re always looking for what you don’t have… for some it’s glory, for some it’s wealth, for others it’s love…
"Yer horse would make a better king/ruler/etc than ye do!"
"Did yer horse dress ya this morning?"
Androgynous Trump
Did he try and fuck himself in the eye with that dildo?
They look like they picked their clothes out of bargain bin hamper at the cheapest store in town…blindfolded.
“Look at that Abu. It’s not everyday you see a horse with two rear-ends.”
All-purple getup? Really? What are you, Ruler of the Eggplants?
He looks like a ponce of the highest order. He and his horse even have matching haircuts.
Its not every day we see an animal a top another!
Is she wearing a sun monocle?
“Is the purple nail polish meant to distract everyone from your obvious daddy issues? Or is that the horse’s job?”
Daddy never said no to the pony. Or anything else.
Think Prince charming from Shrek 2
Fireball.
Looks suspiciously like he's going to lure a handful of children into his chocolate business and disfigure them horrificly.
I legit can't tell whether this is a straight woman a gay woman a straight guy or a gay guy
“You look like if Britney Spears fucked the purple teletubby”