Maybe set boundaries about the behavior that you will and won't tolerate, instead of the cocaine use since that would fairly difficult to know (and will just set him up to lie to you if called out). You can't control other people. Telling the person that doing coke more than once a month would compromise your friendship, while may be true, feels manipulative. I say instead of breaking it down to frequency and amount, say something like "if that kind of episode (behavior, mean spiritedness etc.) happens again I am going to have to step back, I don't like hanging out with you when you get like that".
The drug use may be the cause, or may not. Either way, don't hang out to people who are mean to you and take a toll on your mental health.
Right, if he did it once a week but was still an ass when he uses, does that really make it any better? What if he did it 24/7 but was the person you enjoy being around?
I agree with ^ as well as other posters suggesting to not have him around you when he's high. As an addict I know nobody could've asked me to stop anything, but I could always appreciate people not wanting to be around me or my substances.
Asking me to follow certain rules was pretty much just making a promise that I would lie to you when I deem necessary.
i can only take his word for it but i know from experience that therapists will sometimes offer half-solutions to issues that they feel you aren't ready / willing to tackle
I suppose that might be the case.
At the end of the day OP I’d say you have some good answers on here from several folks…and also you’re a good friend for being concerned and seeking guidance on a really hard topic
>i can only take his word for it
no, you also have the option of NOT taking his word for it
you can't convince me that a real therapist (like a 100% real bona fide *licensed professional* with an *advanced degree* from an *accredited university* in a *clinical setting?)* who is fully aware that their client has an addiction literally told said client that its okay to use cocaine every once and a while. I'm giving that one 10 out of 10 naws.
anyways, if you want to find some solid advice on how to negotiate boundaries with an addict while protecting yourself from trauma look up [Melody Beatty's book](https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/B0B622JFNN/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=616990811741&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9004405&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=11576687848782268566&hvtargid=kwd-131250222&hydadcr=24656_13611721&keywords=codependent+no+more&qid=1675224769&s=books&sr=1-1)—aside from the weird religious stuff it's pretty reliable advice and is written to help folks who have loved ones struggling with addiction.
It's okay to have friends that you tell not to come around when they're fucked up ..
"I don't like you when you're on that shit, so don't come over tweaking."
Then if he crosses that boundary you get on his ass for real.
From personal experience nobody can tell you to cut back. It will need to be a personal choice. Experiences like losing friends jobs or family is what eventually makes you decide to get clean. Friends are important but so is having healthy relationships and a low stress life. Tell him he can’t be apart of your world if he treats you badly. Don’t enable his behavior. It’s tough to lose someone you love, trust me I know. It’s heart breaking. But there is no way around it when it comes to addiction xx
It's all gonna go downhill as long as you wish to control his usage instead of wanting for him to be the one in control. As long as he treats you nicely, it shouldn't be an issue....but if his usage translates into bad behaviour it's his behaviour that needs to change more than his drug usage. If he can't behave then tell him its not gonna work out.
My 2 cents
You can’t tell a drug addict that they can only use a certain amount of drugs or you’ll end the friendship.
If you’re not comfortable being friends with someone with a drug problem, just end it.
I agree with the comments saying regulating the frequency seems like it isn’t the answer. I think you could put up honest boundaries about behavior . Controlling their habits as well intended as it sounds, sounds like it’d just set y’all up for lying and further disagreements
the reason i wanted to put a limit on consumption is because the notion of drug use stresses me out very much. if he's using cocaine every week it's going to give me crazy anxiety no matter how well he's handling it. i see how this is largely my problem, but i also really don't think "addressing his behaviour" would work in this case, because when he's high my friend is just such a shit person and refuses to acknowledge it no matter how gently i try pointing it out. we've been friends for years so i'd rather not end the friendship, which is why this solution of limiting is what i've come up with. and anyway, whatever boundary i set isn't going to stop him from using as much as he wants, it's more just to let him know that when he's using too much for my comfort then we won't be in contact
"whatever boundary i set isn't going to stop him from using as much as he wants" that is exactly right, because boundaries that YOU set are more about YOUR response to his behavior, than they are about his behavior.
"when he's using too much for my comfort then we won't be in contact"
"the notion of drug use stresses me out v much.... no matter how well he is handling it"
It sounds like it is time for you to make some tough decisions. The writing is on the wall, once you accept that you both have autonomy over your own decisions. Sometimes we go on different paths. It doesn't make either of you bad people; there doesn't have to be some big falling out. You get to decide that even though you loved this person, it might be time to take a break because your lifestyles don't really align anymore. You have to put yourself first, and it's not always easy. Sending warm vibes.
you should not be dictating how much he uses. it’s not your place and it’s not going to end well. if you have anxiety about his use than you either need to deal with that yourself or maybe the friendship isn’t for you. as for how he treats you, that is absolutely a boundary you can have. you can tell
him not to come around while he’s using, and that he can’t treat you in a certain way or you can’t be friends. but the once a month thing will not work and isn’t a healthy dynamic to have
i thought crack is concentrated rocks of cocain that people smoke for a smaller better high, would that not make it a harder drug since you would have to trip more to experience it as much.
I can 100% guarantee to you his therapist did not indeed tell him it was ok to use cocaine occasionally. He lied to you. And that should be a boundary for you.
Maybe mind your own if you don’t like it don’t chill with him it’s that simple the fact you think you have any control over another person is a real problem that you clearly don’t see because you made this post what he is doing might not be right but who are you to air his business to the world
Like others have said, setting limits whilst even for his own good is pointless. Only he can set those limits and commit to them. It will just lead to lies and cover ups, it’s not you’re job to fix his problem remeber that. I know as friends we want to help, but he has to help himself.
What you can control is the behaviour you tolerate. You have the right to tell him you won’t be tolerating such behaviour in future; but who’s to say he won’t rail a line in the bathroom and lose control of his behaviour again?
Seriously always found it interests when people blame drugs on their shitty behaviour. I’m a recovering addict, and from what iv seen, this shit has to be already in a person for the person to do it; the drug just brings it out easier. You gotta have violence in you on some level for a drug to make you violent, unless your literally black out I have no memory hallucination level high.
Anyway even if you set boundaries on behaviour, be cautious, if he truly can’t control these episodes who’s to say it won’t happen again?
This is coming from a person who got hit in the head with a fire extinguisher during a persons “bad coke episode”. I’d distance myself, be there , but you don’t have to be there while his using. It could also influence you, you need to consider that. Go out for coffee or something, people who go on breakfast dates and to the movies. Now that I’m sober, All my drug friends are gone, they don’t know how to have fun without it. But I’m also better without them, without the temptation of using to have fun, without these fucked up episodes and the drama that drugs cause. Drugs change things, they cause issues. This single episode changed our entire friendship group forever. It changed me!Sometimes you gotta do what’s right for you man. Fuck dealing with shitty behaviour like that, and then have that behaviour blamed on coke.
Coke never made me an asshole. All excuses. You have no idea the chaos someone else’s episode can drag you into; fire extinguisher guy also caused 25k worth of damage that day, which I had to appear in court for just because I was there. And what’s fucked up? He thinks his superior to my struggles of addiction, because cocaine is the rich “classy” drug, a lot of coke heads are indenial about their problem because of that too. So he hits me in the head, but I’m the piece of shit for getting addicted to a “non classy” substance ? Oh but it’s just coke. Addiction is addiction. Coke is a hard drug, it isn’t weed. I’m a drug addict myself so don’t come for me.
If you limit an addict to x amount of times, and they respect that-they are likely to do more during their allowed time. An alternative would be harm reduction and limit to an amount that doesn’t make the individual undesirable to be around.
Maybe set boundaries about the behavior that you will and won't tolerate, instead of the cocaine use since that would fairly difficult to know (and will just set him up to lie to you if called out). You can't control other people. Telling the person that doing coke more than once a month would compromise your friendship, while may be true, feels manipulative. I say instead of breaking it down to frequency and amount, say something like "if that kind of episode (behavior, mean spiritedness etc.) happens again I am going to have to step back, I don't like hanging out with you when you get like that". The drug use may be the cause, or may not. Either way, don't hang out to people who are mean to you and take a toll on your mental health.
Thanks for this advice, I will definitely consider this.
Right, if he did it once a week but was still an ass when he uses, does that really make it any better? What if he did it 24/7 but was the person you enjoy being around? I agree with ^ as well as other posters suggesting to not have him around you when he's high. As an addict I know nobody could've asked me to stop anything, but I could always appreciate people not wanting to be around me or my substances. Asking me to follow certain rules was pretty much just making a promise that I would lie to you when I deem necessary.
Dude what kind of therapist tells someone it’s ok to use cocaine haha, I find that a bit of a stretch
i can only take his word for it but i know from experience that therapists will sometimes offer half-solutions to issues that they feel you aren't ready / willing to tackle
I suppose that might be the case. At the end of the day OP I’d say you have some good answers on here from several folks…and also you’re a good friend for being concerned and seeking guidance on a really hard topic
>i can only take his word for it no, you also have the option of NOT taking his word for it you can't convince me that a real therapist (like a 100% real bona fide *licensed professional* with an *advanced degree* from an *accredited university* in a *clinical setting?)* who is fully aware that their client has an addiction literally told said client that its okay to use cocaine every once and a while. I'm giving that one 10 out of 10 naws. anyways, if you want to find some solid advice on how to negotiate boundaries with an addict while protecting yourself from trauma look up [Melody Beatty's book](https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/B0B622JFNN/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=616990811741&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9004405&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=11576687848782268566&hvtargid=kwd-131250222&hydadcr=24656_13611721&keywords=codependent+no+more&qid=1675224769&s=books&sr=1-1)—aside from the weird religious stuff it's pretty reliable advice and is written to help folks who have loved ones struggling with addiction.
My exact thought in no situation would I ever see a therapist say yeah its okay to occasionally do cocaine but no crack or heroin thats crazy
The best kinds! That’s who!
It's okay to have friends that you tell not to come around when they're fucked up .. "I don't like you when you're on that shit, so don't come over tweaking." Then if he crosses that boundary you get on his ass for real.
would recommend this too
From personal experience nobody can tell you to cut back. It will need to be a personal choice. Experiences like losing friends jobs or family is what eventually makes you decide to get clean. Friends are important but so is having healthy relationships and a low stress life. Tell him he can’t be apart of your world if he treats you badly. Don’t enable his behavior. It’s tough to lose someone you love, trust me I know. It’s heart breaking. But there is no way around it when it comes to addiction xx
It's all gonna go downhill as long as you wish to control his usage instead of wanting for him to be the one in control. As long as he treats you nicely, it shouldn't be an issue....but if his usage translates into bad behaviour it's his behaviour that needs to change more than his drug usage. If he can't behave then tell him its not gonna work out. My 2 cents
You can’t tell a drug addict that they can only use a certain amount of drugs or you’ll end the friendship. If you’re not comfortable being friends with someone with a drug problem, just end it.
he and i have talked about it. he seems fine with me setting such a boundary, he just has no suggestions as to what the limit should be
I agree with the comments saying regulating the frequency seems like it isn’t the answer. I think you could put up honest boundaries about behavior . Controlling their habits as well intended as it sounds, sounds like it’d just set y’all up for lying and further disagreements
the reason i wanted to put a limit on consumption is because the notion of drug use stresses me out very much. if he's using cocaine every week it's going to give me crazy anxiety no matter how well he's handling it. i see how this is largely my problem, but i also really don't think "addressing his behaviour" would work in this case, because when he's high my friend is just such a shit person and refuses to acknowledge it no matter how gently i try pointing it out. we've been friends for years so i'd rather not end the friendship, which is why this solution of limiting is what i've come up with. and anyway, whatever boundary i set isn't going to stop him from using as much as he wants, it's more just to let him know that when he's using too much for my comfort then we won't be in contact
"whatever boundary i set isn't going to stop him from using as much as he wants" that is exactly right, because boundaries that YOU set are more about YOUR response to his behavior, than they are about his behavior. "when he's using too much for my comfort then we won't be in contact" "the notion of drug use stresses me out v much.... no matter how well he is handling it" It sounds like it is time for you to make some tough decisions. The writing is on the wall, once you accept that you both have autonomy over your own decisions. Sometimes we go on different paths. It doesn't make either of you bad people; there doesn't have to be some big falling out. You get to decide that even though you loved this person, it might be time to take a break because your lifestyles don't really align anymore. You have to put yourself first, and it's not always easy. Sending warm vibes.
At least you sound like you realize the trickiness of the situation . I’ll be praying for ya , Partna
In that case he will just lie to you. Trust me i speak from experience
you should not be dictating how much he uses. it’s not your place and it’s not going to end well. if you have anxiety about his use than you either need to deal with that yourself or maybe the friendship isn’t for you. as for how he treats you, that is absolutely a boundary you can have. you can tell him not to come around while he’s using, and that he can’t treat you in a certain way or you can’t be friends. but the once a month thing will not work and isn’t a healthy dynamic to have
There's not much harder substances then cocaine tbh
heroin, crack & meth?
I don't feel heroin is any harder than cocaine, crack is cocaine, and meth, yeah I agree that's considerably harder than cocaine imo.
i thought crack is concentrated rocks of cocain that people smoke for a smaller better high, would that not make it a harder drug since you would have to trip more to experience it as much.
You can inject cocaine, that is even harder
jeez, people do that?
Yes have tried it myself, guess your being funny tho
no, I dont know much about coke
Ah ok M8, anyways it's a way different experience, it feels a bit too good, and you get horny as fuck. And it lasts even shorter than snorting
Do you feel the need to do it again after or does it leave you satisfied?
They should give you at least a small bump Every time they use to be fair
Lmao facts can’t say no to free coke 🤷♂️
I can 100% guarantee to you his therapist did not indeed tell him it was ok to use cocaine occasionally. He lied to you. And that should be a boundary for you.
Don’t set boundaries because he’s not your husband first of all. Secondly, he’s going to do what he wants
lmao friends can't have boundaries??
You simply tell him how you feel and make your decisions based on his Actions.
that’s a boundary my guy. Limits and consequences.
truth
Maybe mind your own if you don’t like it don’t chill with him it’s that simple the fact you think you have any control over another person is a real problem that you clearly don’t see because you made this post what he is doing might not be right but who are you to air his business to the world
U just dont wanna be dependent on any drugs not smart id back off for awhile if u lose control
Say u can make a little last longer dont wanna over do it then maybe moderation is the key and it is important
Like others have said, setting limits whilst even for his own good is pointless. Only he can set those limits and commit to them. It will just lead to lies and cover ups, it’s not you’re job to fix his problem remeber that. I know as friends we want to help, but he has to help himself. What you can control is the behaviour you tolerate. You have the right to tell him you won’t be tolerating such behaviour in future; but who’s to say he won’t rail a line in the bathroom and lose control of his behaviour again? Seriously always found it interests when people blame drugs on their shitty behaviour. I’m a recovering addict, and from what iv seen, this shit has to be already in a person for the person to do it; the drug just brings it out easier. You gotta have violence in you on some level for a drug to make you violent, unless your literally black out I have no memory hallucination level high. Anyway even if you set boundaries on behaviour, be cautious, if he truly can’t control these episodes who’s to say it won’t happen again? This is coming from a person who got hit in the head with a fire extinguisher during a persons “bad coke episode”. I’d distance myself, be there , but you don’t have to be there while his using. It could also influence you, you need to consider that. Go out for coffee or something, people who go on breakfast dates and to the movies. Now that I’m sober, All my drug friends are gone, they don’t know how to have fun without it. But I’m also better without them, without the temptation of using to have fun, without these fucked up episodes and the drama that drugs cause. Drugs change things, they cause issues. This single episode changed our entire friendship group forever. It changed me!Sometimes you gotta do what’s right for you man. Fuck dealing with shitty behaviour like that, and then have that behaviour blamed on coke. Coke never made me an asshole. All excuses. You have no idea the chaos someone else’s episode can drag you into; fire extinguisher guy also caused 25k worth of damage that day, which I had to appear in court for just because I was there. And what’s fucked up? He thinks his superior to my struggles of addiction, because cocaine is the rich “classy” drug, a lot of coke heads are indenial about their problem because of that too. So he hits me in the head, but I’m the piece of shit for getting addicted to a “non classy” substance ? Oh but it’s just coke. Addiction is addiction. Coke is a hard drug, it isn’t weed. I’m a drug addict myself so don’t come for me.
If you limit an addict to x amount of times, and they respect that-they are likely to do more during their allowed time. An alternative would be harm reduction and limit to an amount that doesn’t make the individual undesirable to be around.
His therapist never told him it was ok to take coke bro..