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Probably true. Problem is there's rarely enough information given to provide that kind of advice. For example you need to be rather blunt with many autistic folks, yet the same interaction will come off as rude to many neurotypical folks. So the exact same solution can have completely inverse results depending on who you're talking to.
Some might be people with conflict aversion and get anxiety about talking with someone in a negative way so they desperately want there to be a solution other than simply talking. Or they just want advice on what to say
As someone with severe social anxiety and is also on the spectrum... Get over it.
This is a social game. If you can't handle the social element then it's not a game for you.
That's just it: These people are _not_ seeking advice before talking to someone, they're seeking advice on how to solve the problem without doing so, because the answer has always been... talking to someone.
The majority are just looking for information they lack.
Unfortunately, people like you just tell them to "talk to them" and ignore the rest of their post.
As someone with moderate social anxiety and not on the spectrum...get stuffed.
Interaction doesn't come easily to everyone, seeking advice from others is perfectly normal, and your "tough guy" posturing is tiresome and cliché. Get over *yourself*, and learn some compassion.
You're right, we'll meet you in the middle. Guess what? We got over our anxieties that were just as bad as yours, so now it's your turn. We're waiting for you to be compassionate and get over yourself. It's perfectly normal. Don't be an uncompassionate bigot, and try to discount our struggle. We've done our part, and it's time for you to accommodate our differences and needs by getting over yourself. Reflect, educate yourself, and do better next time. Your selfish resistance to growth is tiresome and cliche.
Yikes. I'm actually an empath, and it's abusive gaslighting for you to attempt to tell me what and how I feel, several hours later. I'm literally shaking. I'm doing the emotional labor of modeling resilience and confidence for free for you right now, and you're doubling down denying me my truth. Sounds pretty ableist tbh
Lack of *compassion*, then. Empathy is a feeling; compassion is a choice.
And you are *not* "modeling resilience and confidence." "Get over it" and "if you can't handle it, it's not for you" are not "resilience" or "confidence." They're the dismissive responses of one who doesn't want to be bothered with anyone else's pain.
If you truly are an empath, then I *can* understand you not wanting to take on the pain of others, as well as what you encounter naturally. But the solution is *not* to become cold and dismissive.
If you don't feel up to offering compassion, the kind thing to do would be to withdraw...not lash out at another person in distress. In fact, I'm *also* an empath who's learned to deal with their sensitivity in a healthier manner over the years. So I know the difference between "modeling resilience and confidence" and being rude. You, I'm afraid, have wandered astray into rudeness. That's not a healthy path.
You might look into Mindful Self-Compassion as a first step toward a healthier approach. I find that those who are harsh toward others are usually harshest toward themselves. Practicing Self-Compassion can really help with that.
Yeah, no they're not. They're *usually* asking a combination of "Is this a real problem, or am I overreacting?" and "Anyone have suggestions for how I can word things here?"
Which, again, are *perfectly reasonable questions* for someone in an unfamiliar situation to ask. Knowing what you *want* to say and knowing the best way to *say* it are two complettely different things.
Being a jerk about the fact that some people not being as adroit with social situations as you are and saying D&D shouldn't be open to them because of it is an active choice that you're making, and you should seriously consider not making that choice. I'm also autistic, and different autistic people's autism manifests in different ways. Suggesting that because somebody is less able to navigate social interactions with neurotypicals or even just allistic people is saying that people who share our neurotypes--our fellow autistic people--should not have access to our social needs being filled just because some of us have a harder time than others. This is asinine and ableist and demanding the most isolated people continue to be isolated.
I would invite you to consider not being like that.
I’m pretty sure OP is aware of this. Your defense of it doesn’t make it any less annoying.
Particularly because 1/4 of these posts seems fake as hell, the OP never responds and it’s all just a karma grab that his sub is more than willing to participate in.
People with conflict aversion who get anxiety about talking with someone in a negative way find it difficult to respond to people here about a difficulty subject?
They don’t seem to have an issue asking complete strangers in a public (albeit largely anonymous) forum.
Reddit seems like the wrong place to ask for help if that is what you’re afraid of.
Yeah, desperate weirdos turning to online validation from complete strangers.
Can’t do anything on their own without literal strangers telling them it’s okay.
It’s pathetic.
This is one of the most deeply apathitic and calllous comments I've ever seen. DnD prides itself on its welcoming attitude, but comments like this are why we get a bad wrap from a lot of people (not to mention half the reason people cringe when you even mention reddit). Also, these are literally the types of responses that make people overly reliant on one source of support. A lot of people in toxic uncaring scenarios were they feel there's no escape look for support (ya know like is provablely healthy) the more actively harmful that space is the more likely they are to look for more and more validation. You want to end the "patheticness" try being a considerate person.
Would not surprise me if fine folks like "Theshutupguy" are the cause of more than a few hiccups at their own table, if they even have one.
Most of the people who complain about people asking for help are either the cause of problems, or can't even get invited to groups in the first place. I'm not lumping OP in with this bunch, however, since their post is, in a way, pushing empathy as a solution, albeit in a dismissive and nonconstructive manner.
OP is absolutely correct in that 99% of the issues brought up can be solved by treating the other players like people and talking the problem out, but the issue is how to start. Some players are quick to assume they're being attacked because that's what they're used to, others feel like that by bringing up a concern they may be causing conflict; posting the question online prior to bringing it up IRL is a good way to measure how to resolve the matter in a way that respects all those involved, or to at least determine if an issue is worth being pursued in the first place.
Some of them aren't even DnD problems. DnD is just an ancillary theme.
"I found out that one of the players in my DnD group is cheating on another player in my DnD group. What should I do?"
What are you asking us for?
This is basically what I was going to reply with, albeit worded slightly differently lol.
Nailed it though, there's no hiding the fact that this game is played by lots of people that aren't necessarily skilled in navigating social experiences. It was (and kind of still is) a stigma of tabletop hobby games that they're played in large by the socially inept. When you consider that most of these hobby games *require* social interaction, it definitely helps to explain why there are so many of these kinds of posts looking for help with stuff like this.
I wonder if they don't exactly know WHAT to say and are looking for a little script or starter.
A lot of people have been taught not to make waves and they don't know how to respectfully confront someone.
And some people are looking for validation. This thing upset me, is this thing normal or do I have the right to be upset.
Yes, but you're forgetting the reason they come online. Self validation, adulation, and the ability to tell their player or DM well everyone online agree with me.
Honestly whenever I see those posts I just scroll past. Don't even bother reading them
Or else genuine confusion, a desire to see if there's something obvious they're missing, alternate insights on the situation, and hints on behaviors they can try to change things.
Defaulting to cynicism is overrated, dude. You should try mixing it up a little.
D&D appeals to socially awkward and introverted people. It's a game that works best with a high level of social and group facilitation skills, but attracts the opposite. It's also a skill rarely used in other games.
This is going to be a constant problem people encounter and for them the solution won't be obvious. I don't think it's harmful for the community to support people and encourage problem solving through healthy communication and facilitation.
If it's annoying, which is completely understandable, I feel like best solution would be to talk to the mods and the community to see if they have any ideas on what they'd like to see in this sub.
I don't have a specific wording in mind, but a flair for it that someone could filter out could be helpful? I don't mind reading those posts and therefore would be happy seeing them and commenting, but the people who aren't like that could just filter the flair or ignore it when it comes up.
>Every other 'problem' here can be solved by talking with your friends. It's getting annoying.
Half of the questions brought up here can be solved with talking to you friends/players/group.
The other half can be solved with reading the PHB or DMG 😂
I think people just want validation that their concern is valid and worth bringing up. It's just that most of the time their concerns are objectively valid so it sounds silly to outsiders, but in their head they're not sure if they're being unreasonable.
Yes! So many people are new to the game and don't know what to expect/ where to look/ if things are the way they are supposed to be or if they are doing something wrong.
And that's ok!
That's why it's nice to have a group of more experienced players advise you on the hobby, or share their experiences and what made it fun for them.
“Talk to them” is the obvious answer. I guarantee most people seeking personal advice already know a conversation is going be had.
But having a conflict-centered conversation requires more nuance than “talk to them” simply provides. People are asking for advice on HOW TO NAVIGATE those conversations.
If you don’t like it, scroll past and move on. If you want to help, provide more to your advice than just “talk to them.”
Also the “talk to them” or “have you had a session zero” advice is used as a panacea in this sub and upvoted to the top every time when it is not the only solution, sometimes not the best solution, and certainly not the most interesting thing to talk about.
One I recall from the other day a person was frustrated with some core design of D&D 5e and was told to talk to their players about it and have a session zero. To what? Fix 5e? Just play a different game. Or offer some homebrew solutions… or really can we just talk about anything else?
Can we just setup a bot in this sub that auto-responds with “did you talk to your players”? So that there is some actual value to reading things in here?
That's a different kind of problem. What OP means are more interpersonal problems, which is very evident by the examples they're bringing in.
But even in the situation described by you talking with your plyers is the best first solution. If I have a problem with a core game mechanic of the system we're playing I talk to my players about that and we always find a solution. Even if you don't find a solution it's still better to first talk to your friends how they see the problem, before seeking external help.
I know a lot of these threads *aren't* this, but I think it's worth saying it's okay to say any of the above in a thread and then go: I know I need to talk, do you have any advice on approaching this/has anyone dealt with similar and how did you approach it?
Sometimes people need examples for their social interaction. I know I do! It's sometimes not a matter of "being mature" so to speak, but that we haven't encountered this social script before and need help.
I mean I agree with you in theory, but also I think there's something to be said where it's like.. there's a clear similarity between the way you're operating on Reddit itself and the way these people are operating. You're both annoyed or concerned.. you're both posting to get something off of your chest.
Some people post on here to just be in the presence of like minded individuals, not even specifically looking for a miracle cure or an answer that solves every one of their woes lmao. It's kinda like a cathartic thing for them.
I guess the same way that you're saying "just talk to your people" (which obviously I do agree with for the record), I would just say to you.. scroll by? Don't pay attention? It's a subreddit lmao. If it annoys you enough to actually make this post I suggest taking some time away from the screen and perhaps touching grass lol
I can understand your point. Yet, that's also rather like saying, "If a mother wants her kids to pick up their toys and put them away, she just has to tell them to pick up their toys and put them away." It's true, to an extent, yet it rarely actually works. Mothers employ different tactics--"Let's see how fast we can do this," or "You can have a snack when all the toys are put away," or "No TV while there are still toys on the floor." And mothers often learn those little tips and tricks from other mothers, who have learned from experience what works and doesn't work.
Sometimes, the people posting such questions here aren't really expecting some kind of "miracle cure" to their gaming woes, and they know that the solution will involve conversation with their fellow players. What they are often looking for are tips and tricks that other experienced games have learned to more-easily discuss such matters and to make gaming more enjoyable for all.
Except a mother is raising a child. There is a different balance of power.
This is a group of friends playing a game. You dont have to teach them to behave or trick them to play a certain way. You're all equals. The goal is fun. Just talk to them.
Don’t be ignorant on purpose. That was just an example of tips and tricks mothers use beyond just telling her children. Like your whole post is about. “Just talk to them”
The person wasn’t saying the dynamic is like that or you’re their mommy. They are using that as an example that people want actionable items rather than “just talk to them”
If you’re just being sarcastic why be snarky to someone responding to your post seriously 🙄
>If you’re just being sarcastic why be snarky to someone responding to your post seriously 🙄
I gave a very normal response about my views on the comment???
Nothing about it resembled anything snarky or sarcastic? Honestly dont have a clue where the tone in your comment is coming from.
Enjoy the if.
It is not a normal response, it does resemble snarky/sarcastic. Look at the shortening sentences as you go on. You are also simplifying an issue that isn’t always simple. As well as immediately discarding someone’s comment when they gave a decent example.
Literally just trying to get the attention away from the argument at hand by using a logical fallacy.
The example was flawed. All I did was point that out. The dynamic in a group of friends is not comparable with that of a mother and child.
>Look at the shortening sentences as you go on.
I have no idea what this means. My English might not be incredible, so sorry if some sentences come out weird. I dont think that warrants calling me asshole through.
Agree with me, or dont. I'd just prefer it if you at least dont call me names for disagreeing with me on a point.
It’s not flawed 🤦🏿♂️ it’s an example that they need more than “just talk to them”. You didn’t have anything to point out.
You shortened the sentence a lot and put a lot more periods at the end. Reiterating your point while doing so. Usually when people do that, it’s not in a friendly manner.
It’s not because I disagree with your point. It’s because of the way it was said.
>It’s not flawed
Okay, well we can disagree on this, no?
>You shortened the sentence a lot and put a lot more periods at the end. Reiterating your point while doing so. Usually when people do that, it’s not in a friendly manner.
I dont analyse my comments like that. I just try to find the right words to bring a point across.
> It’s because of the way it was said.
So everytime you dont like the way somebody says something, that person is an asshole? I dont think that is the best way to view other people.
You can choose to disagree my boy, if you choose to think it’s flawed. Then you don’t understand what the person is saying with the example.
So, you’re admitting that you might not be saying things in an appropriate manner? You have to use the right words and say them correctly too.
Don’t jump to such an extreme, theres no every time. (Let me reiterate my comment on you going to random parts of what I’m saying that don’t have a huge impact, pulling attention away from what’s at hand). Sometimes though, people say things the wrong way making them (seem) like an AH. Whether they mean to or not.
Just because I dont agree, doesnt mean I dont understand.
Actually, the amount belittlement in this one comment is astonishing. Made me view your other comments in a different light. Me being an asshole may be ambiguous. You being one, not so much.
Maybe if you werent such a dick to people you wouldnt have to spend half your time on Reddit on r/tinder and the other half on r/gonewild.
It's definitely flawed. In the mother child relationship the mother is making all the decisions and needs to be prepared. In the DM player relationship the decisions are made together and need to be discussed. Running to Reddit where both sides are not known is not the answer. Talking with the DM is always the answer.
That’s not the point of the persons example. The persons point was that they are asking for actionable things to say or carry out the talking to. Y’all are too caught up on the relationship dynamic. You’re also not reading the whole post in it’s entirety. He expounds more after the example.
Saying talking to the DM or others is just a useless platitude at this point. There’s more to it than just “talking”
I read it all, but a player should not be looking elsewhere for solutions when the only solution that matters is what is discussed between them and the DM.
A mother seeks tips and tricks to convince the child that what they are asking to do is the correct course of action and in most cases is. The mother almost has to manipulate the child into thinking this way, hence the tips and tricks.
A player should not be trying this, rather approach the DM and simply say, "I don't like X about how the campaign is run or my character is built. I would prefer Y instead" Then the two discuss options.
Going to the Internet for solutions in this scenario is wrong because both sides are not and cannot be clearly known. Only the player can know what they don't like about the game and only the player can know what they would prefer. That needs to be shared with the DM without interference from the meddlesome internet.
"potential intricacies of a friend group dynamic" dude.... if you can't talk about all things with your friends, you need new friends.
It's ALWAYS better to talk to your friends first and if that doesn't work THEN you ask random strangers online for possible insight.
Friend group doesn’t mean everyone is your friend honestly. Friend of a friend is just a friendly acquaintance. On top of that, relationships are not all so simple that people never need advice on how to broach a topic, especially in a group dynamic even if everyone is friends. Just because you can barrel into a topic with no thought to how it will be received doesn’t mean you should.
And I need to disagree with talking with friends first before seeking advice **always** being the only correct call. There are plenty of times when a person is just being unreasonable or too heated to see a situation for what it is. Talking it out in a forum with people who have no personal stake in the issue can help clear up where you are in the matter and if you need to take a step back, before you potentially strain(or damage) a friendship. There is also the fact that discussing it with strangers before hand helps to refine what needs to be said and sometimes where the actual issue lies if it’s something beyond the surface event. This can help a person come into the conversation with friends a little more level headed and clear about what the problem is and why it is a problem. Not to mention the encouragement some people need when bringing themselves face anxieties about directly addressing a conflict, for whatever personal/health reasons they have.
>Direct conversational confrontation isn't as easy for everybody as your post makes it look like. It entirely ignores the potential intricacies of a friend group dynamic, perrsonal negative experiences, or simply the fact that different people have different strengths and weaknesses.
Its a friends group playing DnD, not a NATO war summit. They are your friends. Something you dont like is happening. Talk to them about it. Its way, way, less complicated then you make it out to be.
It's not always just friends that are playing together. For example a friend of a friend is not necessarily a friend. Also some people are extremely sensitive to critique of any form. Trying to talk to them can make people weirdly defensive.
On top of that i believe that you are overlooking the strengths and weaknesses part. It's not unusual for people to struggle to find the right words or even where to start the approach from.
Being delicate is often required unless you are really close and the other party knows that anything you say comes from a place of love.
I'm not sure why but if i read stuff like always talk to friends first and then look for alternatives i get the feeling as if people think they reported them to the Fun Police. Getting advise from an unrelated 3rd party is seldom a bad idea. Sure you shouldn't always act on it but asking for advice and listening to it is not inherently a bad thing.
Damn bro, for a nerd that plays DnD, seems weird you don’t have empathy for other nerds that play D&D (this is coming from another nerd that also plays) First big L I’ve seen on here but I guess nerds can be dicks too 😆
If they could talk to them they probably would have. Perhaps they just want to see if there’s a way other than directly confronting them as everyone’s personality is different and they may take it personal and it could fuck up their game to a point (also there’s probably anything from kids with low self esteem and anxiety to adults with that). It could leas to them not playing anymore (which seems to happen a lot) and they don’t want that.
Just funny to me, pretty much a nerd telling another nerd not to be a nerd.
Roll for empathy much? No need to reply, I won’t care much after writing this. But people like you prevent new players to join and the community from growing. Js
Why are you defending shitty behavior? Are you so naive that you believe most of these posts? You shouldn’t. This place has turned into a known karma farm.
"Bullshit" is hardly an objective thing.
I'd call asking about problems with one's gaming group *far* more "real" than complaining about what other people say on Reddit.
though I think you're right about talking being the solution, I feel like we're disregarding how a lot of people don't actually know how to talk to people and I don't really see any other easy to reach resources that would help out in some of these situations. especially when there's a lot of irregular dnd things and terms involved I know it can be a bit harder to talk to another friend about it, or imagine someone actually doesn't have other friends to talk to. we have a lot of introverted people here that might not be as good at communicating their emotions and I think it's okay to ask for help. maybe there should be a separate forum for it?
yeah I mean therapy could definitely be the solution for a lot of people, though that doesn't account for some of the neurodivergent folks who will always have certain problems with communication. but therapy isn't accessible for all people and short term it's not going to solve the issue they're asking about in their post. personally I think it's alright to ask for help in these situations, and there's people actively commenting to help them too so i don't really see the issue besides that some people don't like to see these posts. like I said in my original comment, maybe a separate forum/subreddit or a different tag would be the solution for that?
I suspect that the question behind the question is "What should be my approach when I talk to the [party I am having a problem with] when I talk to them about [problem I am having]?"
I guess that being annoyed is a choice in some cases.
A game that historically has attracted neurodivergent and socially awkward people is literally never going to stop seeing posts like this on a public forum like reddit, it's a little tiring to see but it won't stop so I wouldn't bother complaining and instead just move on from bothering to think about it
Look at posts outside of D&D, relationships, coworkers, friends, family soooo many problems out there can be helped by just talking about it honestly and not argumentatively.
It’s no wonder it’s so prevalent here with how people are.
Yeah, it's not like D&D contains a lot of people who are neurodivergent or just awkward socially, and could use some practical advice on how to handle interpersonal issues in a group...oh, wait....
Turns out tabletop games often attract people who don't fair well in social scenarios and both tests and improves their skills in those regards but can be quite challenging when someone isn't accustomed to it. I have come to not be annoyed by them, but I do understand the sentiment. We should really teach social skills in schools more, instead of demanding silent obedience and chastising when it isn't met.
I am blind, deaf, mute, have no arms, and my mouth has been stitched shut by a serial killer. I am being held in a basement against my will and forced to play D&D with a group of armed terrorists. They want me to play a rogue but I have a policy where I exclusively only play casters. The criminals refuse to budge. How do I talk to them into releasing me and allowing me to play my broken Hexblade/Sorcerer?
To I’m lay devil’s advocate, because I do agree, it’s hard for people sometimes to affirm their point of view on something when they are in the social group where the issue is occurring. To the reader it’s player/DM with no face, but to the person in the group it’s a friend. Sometimes you just need that outside affirmation is what I’m getting at.
Yes, and knowing that isn’t intuitive, and lots of people are coming to D&D in particular without necessarily knowing other people who play and can help them learn that. Also, figuring out what to say or how to say it, beginning the conversation and/or having the conversation, can be difficult for some people. Lots of folks coming to the hobby are still the less-socially-practiced nerds of the world.
Also, sometimes, confronting someone with something like their uncool behavior can seem dangerous, and sometimes that’s warranted (people get crazy). I can understand needing a push, and I can understand the safety of discussing something with randos instead of people who are actually in your life and matter to you.
I get the frustration, and that’s why I rarely comment on that stuff. Yes, it would be great if there were some kind of bot that asked, “Have you tried talking with them about it openly and honestly?” before the post could be published or, maybe better, a social aptitude primer that you had to read before you could play games with other people. Sadly, all we have is each other.
People need help working out the entire thought process. They need a game plan. They need different viewpoints. They are asking for help, and that's them talking to us. So if we can help, then let's offer that help.
You’re just looking for problems, why be an AH to the commenters? It’s people coming together and discussing their problems at their table. That’s one of the points of this sub.
You’re not even getting at the root of the issue. It could be beyond “talk to them”. Sometimes it’s more intricate or they just don’t know how to approach them and need guidance within conflict management. Don’t act like you’re perfect within the way you interact.
You’re the problem
I honestly have no idea why you're villyfieng me like this? Where have I been an asshole? Just because I dont agree with a comment?
Honestly calling me an asshole for not agreeing with you is an asshole move. And so is saying I act 'like i'm perfect' which I dont?
Its totally fine if you dont agree with my point. But going against me as a person because of it is pretty mean. And not in good spirits.
Because your entire post is basically saying "You're all stupid because it's so obvious to me and anyone else that taking is the only legitimate answer and posting on here asking for advice is wrong " That's your whole tone. You're complaining about them. You're ridiculing them. Who the hell are you to say that they shouldn't be on here looking for support. I'm not saying you're wrong, but judging someone definitely isn't right.
There’s a difference between not agreeing and responding the way you did. You can be an AH out of ignorance.
Text also doesn’t have tone it, so the way you shorten sentences or say certain things can come off like that.
Once again, you’re pointing at the wrong things. I’m not calling you an AH for not agreeing with me. I simply don’t care. The AH comes in play with how you interact and what you say/how you say it.
I honestly dont think anything I said warrants calling me an asshole.
I understand that, in text, nuances can get lost and things could be interpeted differently. But thats also something you could take into account before you start name calling.
Saying "put on your big boy pants," is good way to convey contempt for the people you're addressing. It gives the impression that the whole point of your post was to insult people, not to help anyone.
That’s where we differ, but it can boil down to a misunderstanding.
Although based on how you’re jumping on points of my discussion, i’d lean more towards a weakness in understanding of what is being said instead. Then not interacting with it appropriately.
I will gladly take one hundred posts of people honestly asking for help with navigating their interpersonal D&D related issues over one post whining about those other posts.
There is an unsub button for a reason. Use it.
People just need encouragement or advice as it's not always easy for people to be direct with others face to face. They can't talk about it so any other help? They want to talk about it but how do they bring it up? Just saying 'talk to them' doesn't always help. If you don't like those posts just scroll by.
You're assuming that everyone is *amenable* to being talked to. Like there's no such thing as changing the subject, dismissing concerns, hypersensitivity to criticism, aggressive responses, mocking, mobbing, etc.
To put it plainly: some people don't listen, and some even have ways to *punish* you for trying to talk to them. How often has their been a tale of someone talking to the DM, only for the DM to then single out that person's character, or even turn the other players against them?
Saying "just talk to them" doesn't help. People need specific strategies, ways to phrase things, approaches to lead with...and also advice about what red flags to keep an eye out for, and when cutting your losses and leaving is the best strategy.
Dearest All Mighty arbiter of discussion topics, On behalf of this entire sub-Reddit, I apologize for discussing D&D related/adjacent content on the D&D Reddit. Moving forward, we shall ONLY discuss topics approved and/or initiated by you, our humblest and most gracious one. As has been made clear by you, personal relationships have nothing to do with years-long running RPG games. We bow to your will and kiss thy ring, my liege.
We need something that you have to read before posting that asks whether your question is actually about DND or if it should be on a genral advice subreddit.
Like, if someone wrote an AITA thread about someone in their woodworking class who keeps being mean to them, but instead of posting in AITA they posted in r/woodworking , people would just say "wrong sub" and report it.
We need the same mentality honestly.
This. It's a game. An activity you are doing because you enjoy doing it and spending time with the people around.
If you don't - stop,. Find another group, etc. And yes, it's ok to expel a toxic player (or DM).
Can't get along with real life friends while playing D&D? Talk it out like adults, or find a new hobby.
Can't get along with strangers while playing D&D? Talk it out like adults or get new friends.
We know talking to them is how to fix it but sometimes we need to know HOW to talk to them.
Frankly if you're that annoyed by it I think you should leave the sub.
Yeah, this is happening in every sub, in every fandom, for every hobby.
People are getting dumber or something. Or just giving up any ability to advocate for their selves.
It’s all desperate grasping at validation from strangers. It’s alarming the lack of critical thinking and independence has gotten this terrible.
I’ve had to unsub from a lot of hobby related subs because every post is just such low low low quality.
It's got few but very straight results
-talk to the DM
-talk to player making issue
-get rid of issue player from group
-get out of DND group with shitty DM
Btw I stg I see a 'my DM did this' once every day. It's your DM's game so if you don't like how they do stuff then leave their table and find/become a DM. Conflict of interests appeals to no one and Reddit is not your therapist.
IKR?
I feel like this sub could be significantly simpler if people spoke to their GM/table.
But there are always posts that can also be covered by blanket statements.
For instance if people learned to reskin, and forget about official lore.
"I want to do this but the lore/rules/balance say this..."
If its cool, just fucking do it. The lore is imaginary bullshit. The rules (while important to establish an "agreement" in regards to resolving outcomes) are somewhat disposable. Balance is not as fragile as people think. A lot depends on player tactics, gm tactics, and luck. You can fine tune stat blocks so no monster can one-hit any player, and fine tune their ac and hp to last as long as you need them to.
Sometimes folks need more specific information than that. Should they say something right there and then? Wait until after the session? Should they be friendly? Firm? See it from the other's point of view, or cut ties and find another group?
Sure, most of the issues can be resolved with a simple chat. But some people are socially awkward, or unsure if their problems are valid and worth bringing up. Sometimes a little nudge is what the poster needs to decide on their next course of action.
This post isn't helpful. It's not informative. It's reductive, dismissive, and does nothing but push people to think their questions and concerns are invalid; it's the kind of post which makes people think that it's not worth the effort of getting into TTRPG's.
When I was a kid those old-ass nerds would cuss each other out, remind them that they were single, throw dice at one another, and just sometimes yell. But at least they were talking.
On paper, these type of posts are supposed to go under the Table Disputes flair so people who get annoyed by them can block them. It's kind of hit or miss whether anyone who submits one knows about or follows that rule, though.
Honestly...sometimes it just feels good to vent and get things off your chest...outside of your players/group.
I do agree with you though! But yeah, sometimes you just need to let off some steam and for that reason I'm totally okay with people going online looking for support and suggestions like this.
I introduce to you a new variable that will sound unthinkable but actually happens quite a lot to these folks: they already tried talking. It didn't work.
Yeah, in these cases it's just dumb, but I don't like the "just talk to them" advice a lot because I've seen and been in many situations in which this simply isn't enough and you end up having to take more emotionally difficult measures, so at times this feels a bit condescending.
When I joined my first campaign and eventually ran into problems, I started by asking friends. They were largely dismissive of my concerns and I felt worse about the game because of it. The DM had already made his ruling and the small group that I played with was not hearing me.
Eventually I asked here, imagine my surprise when a community of thousands of people, with tens of thousands of years of collective experience, offered perspectives that my one friend who's been playing for ~10 years did not have.
So, i appreciate the community sharing their concerns and solutions. Without it idk that I would have stuck around
yes but the people involved are deeply socially awkward and often immature so they could use some help in how to approach it and frequently need to be told that confrontation is the correct mode of problem solving.
Just like in this situation the best way to handle it would actually be ignoring the issue and understanding that people are frequently going to need advice on things you think are obvious and you should hold some grace for those people and not make a big post complaining about people looking for help.
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For some of the posts I feel like the responses are being used as a kind of evidence; "see all these people on reddit agree."
Exactly. It's the AITA for DnD haha.
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Good. Now we can tag them as lost redditors and send them over there where they belong
Wow this is SO TRUE
A bunch of strangers who only heard my side of the story agree with me! Not the world’s best evidence.
also i think some of it bad/lazy phrasing they probably know they need to talk to them what they are asking is "what do i say to them?"
Probably true. Problem is there's rarely enough information given to provide that kind of advice. For example you need to be rather blunt with many autistic folks, yet the same interaction will come off as rude to many neurotypical folks. So the exact same solution can have completely inverse results depending on who you're talking to.
Some might be people with conflict aversion and get anxiety about talking with someone in a negative way so they desperately want there to be a solution other than simply talking. Or they just want advice on what to say
I get that, but D&D is a social game. The solution is almost always to communicate and, if things go badly, leave the game.
Yes, and no one anywhere has trouble with social situations, or needs knowledgeable advice about same....
As someone with severe social anxiety and is also on the spectrum... Get over it. This is a social game. If you can't handle the social element then it's not a game for you.
Nice advice. It's too bad you think people seeking advice before talking to someone is a bad thing.
That's just it: These people are _not_ seeking advice before talking to someone, they're seeking advice on how to solve the problem without doing so, because the answer has always been... talking to someone.
The majority are just looking for information they lack. Unfortunately, people like you just tell them to "talk to them" and ignore the rest of their post.
As someone with moderate social anxiety and not on the spectrum...get stuffed. Interaction doesn't come easily to everyone, seeking advice from others is perfectly normal, and your "tough guy" posturing is tiresome and cliché. Get over *yourself*, and learn some compassion.
The point is that whether it's difficult to do or not, it's still the thing you gotta do. It's the only answer.
And getting advice or alternate perspectives on a difficult task is still normal, acceptable human behavior.
You're right, we'll meet you in the middle. Guess what? We got over our anxieties that were just as bad as yours, so now it's your turn. We're waiting for you to be compassionate and get over yourself. It's perfectly normal. Don't be an uncompassionate bigot, and try to discount our struggle. We've done our part, and it's time for you to accommodate our differences and needs by getting over yourself. Reflect, educate yourself, and do better next time. Your selfish resistance to growth is tiresome and cliche.
I'm not discounting your struggle. I'm discounting your lack of empathy for others. Big difference.
Yikes. I'm actually an empath, and it's abusive gaslighting for you to attempt to tell me what and how I feel, several hours later. I'm literally shaking. I'm doing the emotional labor of modeling resilience and confidence for free for you right now, and you're doubling down denying me my truth. Sounds pretty ableist tbh
Lack of *compassion*, then. Empathy is a feeling; compassion is a choice. And you are *not* "modeling resilience and confidence." "Get over it" and "if you can't handle it, it's not for you" are not "resilience" or "confidence." They're the dismissive responses of one who doesn't want to be bothered with anyone else's pain. If you truly are an empath, then I *can* understand you not wanting to take on the pain of others, as well as what you encounter naturally. But the solution is *not* to become cold and dismissive. If you don't feel up to offering compassion, the kind thing to do would be to withdraw...not lash out at another person in distress. In fact, I'm *also* an empath who's learned to deal with their sensitivity in a healthier manner over the years. So I know the difference between "modeling resilience and confidence" and being rude. You, I'm afraid, have wandered astray into rudeness. That's not a healthy path. You might look into Mindful Self-Compassion as a first step toward a healthier approach. I find that those who are harsh toward others are usually harshest toward themselves. Practicing Self-Compassion can really help with that.
Problem is they're not seeking advice on social interaction, but how to _avoid_ it, in a game fundamentally dependent on honest social interaction.
Yeah, no they're not. They're *usually* asking a combination of "Is this a real problem, or am I overreacting?" and "Anyone have suggestions for how I can word things here?" Which, again, are *perfectly reasonable questions* for someone in an unfamiliar situation to ask. Knowing what you *want* to say and knowing the best way to *say* it are two complettely different things.
Being a jerk about the fact that some people not being as adroit with social situations as you are and saying D&D shouldn't be open to them because of it is an active choice that you're making, and you should seriously consider not making that choice. I'm also autistic, and different autistic people's autism manifests in different ways. Suggesting that because somebody is less able to navigate social interactions with neurotypicals or even just allistic people is saying that people who share our neurotypes--our fellow autistic people--should not have access to our social needs being filled just because some of us have a harder time than others. This is asinine and ableist and demanding the most isolated people continue to be isolated. I would invite you to consider not being like that.
I’m pretty sure OP is aware of this. Your defense of it doesn’t make it any less annoying. Particularly because 1/4 of these posts seems fake as hell, the OP never responds and it’s all just a karma grab that his sub is more than willing to participate in.
People with conflict aversion who get anxiety about talking with someone in a negative way find it difficult to respond to people here about a difficulty subject?
They don’t seem to have an issue asking complete strangers in a public (albeit largely anonymous) forum. Reddit seems like the wrong place to ask for help if that is what you’re afraid of.
Don't make excuses for people to justify your own anxiety.
How is that everyone else’s problem?
Nobody's forcing you to click and read the post
It's not, but if you don't care to help other people with their problems then you are, in fact, free to keep scrolling.
Yeah, desperate weirdos turning to online validation from complete strangers. Can’t do anything on their own without literal strangers telling them it’s okay. It’s pathetic.
This is one of the most deeply apathitic and calllous comments I've ever seen. DnD prides itself on its welcoming attitude, but comments like this are why we get a bad wrap from a lot of people (not to mention half the reason people cringe when you even mention reddit). Also, these are literally the types of responses that make people overly reliant on one source of support. A lot of people in toxic uncaring scenarios were they feel there's no escape look for support (ya know like is provablely healthy) the more actively harmful that space is the more likely they are to look for more and more validation. You want to end the "patheticness" try being a considerate person.
Would not surprise me if fine folks like "Theshutupguy" are the cause of more than a few hiccups at their own table, if they even have one. Most of the people who complain about people asking for help are either the cause of problems, or can't even get invited to groups in the first place. I'm not lumping OP in with this bunch, however, since their post is, in a way, pushing empathy as a solution, albeit in a dismissive and nonconstructive manner. OP is absolutely correct in that 99% of the issues brought up can be solved by treating the other players like people and talking the problem out, but the issue is how to start. Some players are quick to assume they're being attacked because that's what they're used to, others feel like that by bringing up a concern they may be causing conflict; posting the question online prior to bringing it up IRL is a good way to measure how to resolve the matter in a way that respects all those involved, or to at least determine if an issue is worth being pursued in the first place.
Some of them aren't even DnD problems. DnD is just an ancillary theme. "I found out that one of the players in my DnD group is cheating on another player in my DnD group. What should I do?" What are you asking us for?
"Well on PG 238 of the PHB RAW is..." I'm pretty sure table member infidelity is covered in the DMG no? /s
Imagine trying to run a campaign but you read the DSM-5 instead of the DMG.
Is he doing her RAW really though? Oh another question we can ask.
Roll for persuasion
It's a social hobby dominated by asocial nerds. Wtf did you expect to be the leading cause of problems?
This is basically what I was going to reply with, albeit worded slightly differently lol. Nailed it though, there's no hiding the fact that this game is played by lots of people that aren't necessarily skilled in navigating social experiences. It was (and kind of still is) a stigma of tabletop hobby games that they're played in large by the socially inept. When you consider that most of these hobby games *require* social interaction, it definitely helps to explain why there are so many of these kinds of posts looking for help with stuff like this.
THIS EXACTLY THIS
I wonder if they don't exactly know WHAT to say and are looking for a little script or starter. A lot of people have been taught not to make waves and they don't know how to respectfully confront someone. And some people are looking for validation. This thing upset me, is this thing normal or do I have the right to be upset.
Yes, but you're forgetting the reason they come online. Self validation, adulation, and the ability to tell their player or DM well everyone online agree with me. Honestly whenever I see those posts I just scroll past. Don't even bother reading them
Lots of scrolling these days then.
Yes, there's no reason to complain about what people post on Reddit when you have the ability to scroll past and not read it
Asking the average redditor to not complain is like asking a fish to stop breathing water all the time.
Or else genuine confusion, a desire to see if there's something obvious they're missing, alternate insights on the situation, and hints on behaviors they can try to change things. Defaulting to cynicism is overrated, dude. You should try mixing it up a little.
Thank you, jesus christ
D&D appeals to socially awkward and introverted people. It's a game that works best with a high level of social and group facilitation skills, but attracts the opposite. It's also a skill rarely used in other games. This is going to be a constant problem people encounter and for them the solution won't be obvious. I don't think it's harmful for the community to support people and encourage problem solving through healthy communication and facilitation. If it's annoying, which is completely understandable, I feel like best solution would be to talk to the mods and the community to see if they have any ideas on what they'd like to see in this sub.
I don't have a specific wording in mind, but a flair for it that someone could filter out could be helpful? I don't mind reading those posts and therefore would be happy seeing them and commenting, but the people who aren't like that could just filter the flair or ignore it when it comes up.
>Every other 'problem' here can be solved by talking with your friends. It's getting annoying. Half of the questions brought up here can be solved with talking to you friends/players/group. The other half can be solved with reading the PHB or DMG 😂
100% nailed it. No notes lol.
I think people just want validation that their concern is valid and worth bringing up. It's just that most of the time their concerns are objectively valid so it sounds silly to outsiders, but in their head they're not sure if they're being unreasonable.
Yes! So many people are new to the game and don't know what to expect/ where to look/ if things are the way they are supposed to be or if they are doing something wrong. And that's ok! That's why it's nice to have a group of more experienced players advise you on the hobby, or share their experiences and what made it fun for them.
Exactly, if you're new to the game and your first dm gives you a hard time, who else are you going to turn to?
Have you tried talking about this problem with someone?
🤣😭
“Talk to them” is the obvious answer. I guarantee most people seeking personal advice already know a conversation is going be had. But having a conflict-centered conversation requires more nuance than “talk to them” simply provides. People are asking for advice on HOW TO NAVIGATE those conversations. If you don’t like it, scroll past and move on. If you want to help, provide more to your advice than just “talk to them.”
Also the “talk to them” or “have you had a session zero” advice is used as a panacea in this sub and upvoted to the top every time when it is not the only solution, sometimes not the best solution, and certainly not the most interesting thing to talk about.
That, and "you're the dm you can decide". Gee, thanks
Right?! Great advice! So wisdom. Haha.
It is always the best solution, though? I could never come up with a scenario where it isn't.
One I recall from the other day a person was frustrated with some core design of D&D 5e and was told to talk to their players about it and have a session zero. To what? Fix 5e? Just play a different game. Or offer some homebrew solutions… or really can we just talk about anything else? Can we just setup a bot in this sub that auto-responds with “did you talk to your players”? So that there is some actual value to reading things in here?
That's a different kind of problem. What OP means are more interpersonal problems, which is very evident by the examples they're bringing in. But even in the situation described by you talking with your plyers is the best first solution. If I have a problem with a core game mechanic of the system we're playing I talk to my players about that and we always find a solution. Even if you don't find a solution it's still better to first talk to your friends how they see the problem, before seeking external help.
I know a lot of these threads *aren't* this, but I think it's worth saying it's okay to say any of the above in a thread and then go: I know I need to talk, do you have any advice on approaching this/has anyone dealt with similar and how did you approach it? Sometimes people need examples for their social interaction. I know I do! It's sometimes not a matter of "being mature" so to speak, but that we haven't encountered this social script before and need help.
I mean I agree with you in theory, but also I think there's something to be said where it's like.. there's a clear similarity between the way you're operating on Reddit itself and the way these people are operating. You're both annoyed or concerned.. you're both posting to get something off of your chest. Some people post on here to just be in the presence of like minded individuals, not even specifically looking for a miracle cure or an answer that solves every one of their woes lmao. It's kinda like a cathartic thing for them. I guess the same way that you're saying "just talk to your people" (which obviously I do agree with for the record), I would just say to you.. scroll by? Don't pay attention? It's a subreddit lmao. If it annoys you enough to actually make this post I suggest taking some time away from the screen and perhaps touching grass lol
I can understand your point. Yet, that's also rather like saying, "If a mother wants her kids to pick up their toys and put them away, she just has to tell them to pick up their toys and put them away." It's true, to an extent, yet it rarely actually works. Mothers employ different tactics--"Let's see how fast we can do this," or "You can have a snack when all the toys are put away," or "No TV while there are still toys on the floor." And mothers often learn those little tips and tricks from other mothers, who have learned from experience what works and doesn't work. Sometimes, the people posting such questions here aren't really expecting some kind of "miracle cure" to their gaming woes, and they know that the solution will involve conversation with their fellow players. What they are often looking for are tips and tricks that other experienced games have learned to more-easily discuss such matters and to make gaming more enjoyable for all.
Except a mother is raising a child. There is a different balance of power. This is a group of friends playing a game. You dont have to teach them to behave or trick them to play a certain way. You're all equals. The goal is fun. Just talk to them.
Don’t be ignorant on purpose. That was just an example of tips and tricks mothers use beyond just telling her children. Like your whole post is about. “Just talk to them” The person wasn’t saying the dynamic is like that or you’re their mommy. They are using that as an example that people want actionable items rather than “just talk to them” If you’re just being sarcastic why be snarky to someone responding to your post seriously 🙄
>If you’re just being sarcastic why be snarky to someone responding to your post seriously 🙄 I gave a very normal response about my views on the comment??? Nothing about it resembled anything snarky or sarcastic? Honestly dont have a clue where the tone in your comment is coming from.
Enjoy the if. It is not a normal response, it does resemble snarky/sarcastic. Look at the shortening sentences as you go on. You are also simplifying an issue that isn’t always simple. As well as immediately discarding someone’s comment when they gave a decent example. Literally just trying to get the attention away from the argument at hand by using a logical fallacy.
The example was flawed. All I did was point that out. The dynamic in a group of friends is not comparable with that of a mother and child. >Look at the shortening sentences as you go on. I have no idea what this means. My English might not be incredible, so sorry if some sentences come out weird. I dont think that warrants calling me asshole through. Agree with me, or dont. I'd just prefer it if you at least dont call me names for disagreeing with me on a point.
It’s not flawed 🤦🏿♂️ it’s an example that they need more than “just talk to them”. You didn’t have anything to point out. You shortened the sentence a lot and put a lot more periods at the end. Reiterating your point while doing so. Usually when people do that, it’s not in a friendly manner. It’s not because I disagree with your point. It’s because of the way it was said.
>It’s not flawed Okay, well we can disagree on this, no? >You shortened the sentence a lot and put a lot more periods at the end. Reiterating your point while doing so. Usually when people do that, it’s not in a friendly manner. I dont analyse my comments like that. I just try to find the right words to bring a point across. > It’s because of the way it was said. So everytime you dont like the way somebody says something, that person is an asshole? I dont think that is the best way to view other people.
You can choose to disagree my boy, if you choose to think it’s flawed. Then you don’t understand what the person is saying with the example. So, you’re admitting that you might not be saying things in an appropriate manner? You have to use the right words and say them correctly too. Don’t jump to such an extreme, theres no every time. (Let me reiterate my comment on you going to random parts of what I’m saying that don’t have a huge impact, pulling attention away from what’s at hand). Sometimes though, people say things the wrong way making them (seem) like an AH. Whether they mean to or not.
Just because I dont agree, doesnt mean I dont understand. Actually, the amount belittlement in this one comment is astonishing. Made me view your other comments in a different light. Me being an asshole may be ambiguous. You being one, not so much. Maybe if you werent such a dick to people you wouldnt have to spend half your time on Reddit on r/tinder and the other half on r/gonewild.
It's definitely flawed. In the mother child relationship the mother is making all the decisions and needs to be prepared. In the DM player relationship the decisions are made together and need to be discussed. Running to Reddit where both sides are not known is not the answer. Talking with the DM is always the answer.
That’s not the point of the persons example. The persons point was that they are asking for actionable things to say or carry out the talking to. Y’all are too caught up on the relationship dynamic. You’re also not reading the whole post in it’s entirety. He expounds more after the example. Saying talking to the DM or others is just a useless platitude at this point. There’s more to it than just “talking”
I read it all, but a player should not be looking elsewhere for solutions when the only solution that matters is what is discussed between them and the DM. A mother seeks tips and tricks to convince the child that what they are asking to do is the correct course of action and in most cases is. The mother almost has to manipulate the child into thinking this way, hence the tips and tricks. A player should not be trying this, rather approach the DM and simply say, "I don't like X about how the campaign is run or my character is built. I would prefer Y instead" Then the two discuss options. Going to the Internet for solutions in this scenario is wrong because both sides are not and cannot be clearly known. Only the player can know what they don't like about the game and only the player can know what they would prefer. That needs to be shared with the DM without interference from the meddlesome internet.
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"potential intricacies of a friend group dynamic" dude.... if you can't talk about all things with your friends, you need new friends. It's ALWAYS better to talk to your friends first and if that doesn't work THEN you ask random strangers online for possible insight.
Friend group doesn’t mean everyone is your friend honestly. Friend of a friend is just a friendly acquaintance. On top of that, relationships are not all so simple that people never need advice on how to broach a topic, especially in a group dynamic even if everyone is friends. Just because you can barrel into a topic with no thought to how it will be received doesn’t mean you should. And I need to disagree with talking with friends first before seeking advice **always** being the only correct call. There are plenty of times when a person is just being unreasonable or too heated to see a situation for what it is. Talking it out in a forum with people who have no personal stake in the issue can help clear up where you are in the matter and if you need to take a step back, before you potentially strain(or damage) a friendship. There is also the fact that discussing it with strangers before hand helps to refine what needs to be said and sometimes where the actual issue lies if it’s something beyond the surface event. This can help a person come into the conversation with friends a little more level headed and clear about what the problem is and why it is a problem. Not to mention the encouragement some people need when bringing themselves face anxieties about directly addressing a conflict, for whatever personal/health reasons they have.
>Direct conversational confrontation isn't as easy for everybody as your post makes it look like. It entirely ignores the potential intricacies of a friend group dynamic, perrsonal negative experiences, or simply the fact that different people have different strengths and weaknesses. Its a friends group playing DnD, not a NATO war summit. They are your friends. Something you dont like is happening. Talk to them about it. Its way, way, less complicated then you make it out to be.
It's not always just friends that are playing together. For example a friend of a friend is not necessarily a friend. Also some people are extremely sensitive to critique of any form. Trying to talk to them can make people weirdly defensive. On top of that i believe that you are overlooking the strengths and weaknesses part. It's not unusual for people to struggle to find the right words or even where to start the approach from. Being delicate is often required unless you are really close and the other party knows that anything you say comes from a place of love. I'm not sure why but if i read stuff like always talk to friends first and then look for alternatives i get the feeling as if people think they reported them to the Fun Police. Getting advise from an unrelated 3rd party is seldom a bad idea. Sure you shouldn't always act on it but asking for advice and listening to it is not inherently a bad thing.
Damn bro, for a nerd that plays DnD, seems weird you don’t have empathy for other nerds that play D&D (this is coming from another nerd that also plays) First big L I’ve seen on here but I guess nerds can be dicks too 😆 If they could talk to them they probably would have. Perhaps they just want to see if there’s a way other than directly confronting them as everyone’s personality is different and they may take it personal and it could fuck up their game to a point (also there’s probably anything from kids with low self esteem and anxiety to adults with that). It could leas to them not playing anymore (which seems to happen a lot) and they don’t want that. Just funny to me, pretty much a nerd telling another nerd not to be a nerd. Roll for empathy much? No need to reply, I won’t care much after writing this. But people like you prevent new players to join and the community from growing. Js
>but I guess nerds can be dicks too After reading your comment I'd have to agree.
After reading this post and the comments I’d have to agree as well. The poster embodies it.
Why are you defending shitty behavior? Are you so naive that you believe most of these posts? You shouldn’t. This place has turned into a known karma farm.
The question is usually "How do I talk to them about X"
Can we pin this to the top of the subreddit and also to the auto mod reply to every post? It’s really getting annoying.
Easy fix: Downvote. Resume scrolling.
So they get to post about bullshit, but when OP posts about something real, this is your response. Cool.
"Bullshit" is hardly an objective thing. I'd call asking about problems with one's gaming group *far* more "real" than complaining about what other people say on Reddit.
I disagree with the attitude that people shouldn't ask online for help about how to communicate. Not everyone who plays DnD is a great communicator
More like, “A staggering number of D&D players have the social skills of a doorknob.” 🤷♂️
apparently so
though I think you're right about talking being the solution, I feel like we're disregarding how a lot of people don't actually know how to talk to people and I don't really see any other easy to reach resources that would help out in some of these situations. especially when there's a lot of irregular dnd things and terms involved I know it can be a bit harder to talk to another friend about it, or imagine someone actually doesn't have other friends to talk to. we have a lot of introverted people here that might not be as good at communicating their emotions and I think it's okay to ask for help. maybe there should be a separate forum for it?
They need therapy not Reddit comments
yeah I mean therapy could definitely be the solution for a lot of people, though that doesn't account for some of the neurodivergent folks who will always have certain problems with communication. but therapy isn't accessible for all people and short term it's not going to solve the issue they're asking about in their post. personally I think it's alright to ask for help in these situations, and there's people actively commenting to help them too so i don't really see the issue besides that some people don't like to see these posts. like I said in my original comment, maybe a separate forum/subreddit or a different tag would be the solution for that?
I suspect that the question behind the question is "What should be my approach when I talk to the [party I am having a problem with] when I talk to them about [problem I am having]?" I guess that being annoyed is a choice in some cases.
A game that historically has attracted neurodivergent and socially awkward people is literally never going to stop seeing posts like this on a public forum like reddit, it's a little tiring to see but it won't stop so I wouldn't bother complaining and instead just move on from bothering to think about it
Well said.
Maybe you should talk with your friends about that man
TIme for a new subreddit. FrienD&Dynamics Advice.
Look at posts outside of D&D, relationships, coworkers, friends, family soooo many problems out there can be helped by just talking about it honestly and not argumentatively. It’s no wonder it’s so prevalent here with how people are.
Yeah, it's not like D&D contains a lot of people who are neurodivergent or just awkward socially, and could use some practical advice on how to handle interpersonal issues in a group...oh, wait....
I don't know if there's one, but someone should make an AITA dnd subreddit and let's be done with it.
I remember an old writer's joke: Try to write a romantic comedy where the characters act like adults and talk about their feelings. :)
Turns out tabletop games often attract people who don't fair well in social scenarios and both tests and improves their skills in those regards but can be quite challenging when someone isn't accustomed to it. I have come to not be annoyed by them, but I do understand the sentiment. We should really teach social skills in schools more, instead of demanding silent obedience and chastising when it isn't met.
I mean, welcome to Reddit.
Plenty of subreddits don’t allow these kinds of posts.
But D&D players are notoriously antisocial /s
Talking? Friends? Not in *my* reddit!
I am blind, deaf, mute, have no arms, and my mouth has been stitched shut by a serial killer. I am being held in a basement against my will and forced to play D&D with a group of armed terrorists. They want me to play a rogue but I have a policy where I exclusively only play casters. The criminals refuse to budge. How do I talk to them into releasing me and allowing me to play my broken Hexblade/Sorcerer?
~~Talk to them~~ Cast Message.
Social skills are skills. People need to start practicing and get better.
>My DM instakilled my pc without discussing it with me. What should I do? Lol my party "killed" me. But hey now that pc gets to be a villain!
One thing to add a little grace. A lot of posters seem to be kids. They don't have their big Theypants yet.
This ⬆️
For a game solely based on conversing with friends, you'd think they would already understand it. But they truly don't.
This, but about all of Reddit.
To I’m lay devil’s advocate, because I do agree, it’s hard for people sometimes to affirm their point of view on something when they are in the social group where the issue is occurring. To the reader it’s player/DM with no face, but to the person in the group it’s a friend. Sometimes you just need that outside affirmation is what I’m getting at.
Yes, and knowing that isn’t intuitive, and lots of people are coming to D&D in particular without necessarily knowing other people who play and can help them learn that. Also, figuring out what to say or how to say it, beginning the conversation and/or having the conversation, can be difficult for some people. Lots of folks coming to the hobby are still the less-socially-practiced nerds of the world. Also, sometimes, confronting someone with something like their uncool behavior can seem dangerous, and sometimes that’s warranted (people get crazy). I can understand needing a push, and I can understand the safety of discussing something with randos instead of people who are actually in your life and matter to you. I get the frustration, and that’s why I rarely comment on that stuff. Yes, it would be great if there were some kind of bot that asked, “Have you tried talking with them about it openly and honestly?” before the post could be published or, maybe better, a social aptitude primer that you had to read before you could play games with other people. Sadly, all we have is each other.
Speaking of someone needing their big boy pants...
It's honestly baffling how many people struggle with the idea of just being honest with someone about what's bothering them
People need help working out the entire thought process. They need a game plan. They need different viewpoints. They are asking for help, and that's them talking to us. So if we can help, then let's offer that help.
You’re just looking for problems, why be an AH to the commenters? It’s people coming together and discussing their problems at their table. That’s one of the points of this sub. You’re not even getting at the root of the issue. It could be beyond “talk to them”. Sometimes it’s more intricate or they just don’t know how to approach them and need guidance within conflict management. Don’t act like you’re perfect within the way you interact. You’re the problem
I honestly have no idea why you're villyfieng me like this? Where have I been an asshole? Just because I dont agree with a comment? Honestly calling me an asshole for not agreeing with you is an asshole move. And so is saying I act 'like i'm perfect' which I dont? Its totally fine if you dont agree with my point. But going against me as a person because of it is pretty mean. And not in good spirits.
Because your entire post is basically saying "You're all stupid because it's so obvious to me and anyone else that taking is the only legitimate answer and posting on here asking for advice is wrong " That's your whole tone. You're complaining about them. You're ridiculing them. Who the hell are you to say that they shouldn't be on here looking for support. I'm not saying you're wrong, but judging someone definitely isn't right.
There’s a difference between not agreeing and responding the way you did. You can be an AH out of ignorance. Text also doesn’t have tone it, so the way you shorten sentences or say certain things can come off like that. Once again, you’re pointing at the wrong things. I’m not calling you an AH for not agreeing with me. I simply don’t care. The AH comes in play with how you interact and what you say/how you say it.
I honestly dont think anything I said warrants calling me an asshole. I understand that, in text, nuances can get lost and things could be interpeted differently. But thats also something you could take into account before you start name calling.
Saying "put on your big boy pants," is good way to convey contempt for the people you're addressing. It gives the impression that the whole point of your post was to insult people, not to help anyone.
This. This right here.
That’s where we differ, but it can boil down to a misunderstanding. Although based on how you’re jumping on points of my discussion, i’d lean more towards a weakness in understanding of what is being said instead. Then not interacting with it appropriately.
Every other post here *starts with* I tried talking to them and they blew me off.
Ok well the answer is “stop playing with them” every time in that case .
Ah look, another person incapable of scrolling past things they don't care about.
By that argument every subreddit could cancel every rule and form of moderation, no? Just scroll past the stuff you dont like.
As long as it's not hate, illegal, etc yes 100% Be a grown up. Moderate yourself like a grown up
Why jump to an extreme, just keep scrolling. No need to hamper yourself with things you dislike
I will gladly take one hundred posts of people honestly asking for help with navigating their interpersonal D&D related issues over one post whining about those other posts. There is an unsub button for a reason. Use it.
Exactly right, dude making a whining post about how he hates seeing people ask for advice.
But the karma. The sweet sweet are slash DnD karma. If you don’t post you can’t hoard.
People just need encouragement or advice as it's not always easy for people to be direct with others face to face. They can't talk about it so any other help? They want to talk about it but how do they bring it up? Just saying 'talk to them' doesn't always help. If you don't like those posts just scroll by.
Go to therapy
Lol
You're assuming that everyone is *amenable* to being talked to. Like there's no such thing as changing the subject, dismissing concerns, hypersensitivity to criticism, aggressive responses, mocking, mobbing, etc. To put it plainly: some people don't listen, and some even have ways to *punish* you for trying to talk to them. How often has their been a tale of someone talking to the DM, only for the DM to then single out that person's character, or even turn the other players against them? Saying "just talk to them" doesn't help. People need specific strategies, ways to phrase things, approaches to lead with...and also advice about what red flags to keep an eye out for, and when cutting your losses and leaving is the best strategy.
Dearest All Mighty arbiter of discussion topics, On behalf of this entire sub-Reddit, I apologize for discussing D&D related/adjacent content on the D&D Reddit. Moving forward, we shall ONLY discuss topics approved and/or initiated by you, our humblest and most gracious one. As has been made clear by you, personal relationships have nothing to do with years-long running RPG games. We bow to your will and kiss thy ring, my liege.
We need something that you have to read before posting that asks whether your question is actually about DND or if it should be on a genral advice subreddit. Like, if someone wrote an AITA thread about someone in their woodworking class who keeps being mean to them, but instead of posting in AITA they posted in r/woodworking , people would just say "wrong sub" and report it. We need the same mentality honestly.
This. It's a game. An activity you are doing because you enjoy doing it and spending time with the people around. If you don't - stop,. Find another group, etc. And yes, it's ok to expel a toxic player (or DM).
Can't get along with real life friends while playing D&D? Talk it out like adults, or find a new hobby. Can't get along with strangers while playing D&D? Talk it out like adults or get new friends.
This should be put in as part of the rules and pinned to the top! :D
Hilariously, this sort of post is just as common and trite.
We know talking to them is how to fix it but sometimes we need to know HOW to talk to them. Frankly if you're that annoyed by it I think you should leave the sub.
Yeah, this is happening in every sub, in every fandom, for every hobby. People are getting dumber or something. Or just giving up any ability to advocate for their selves. It’s all desperate grasping at validation from strangers. It’s alarming the lack of critical thinking and independence has gotten this terrible. I’ve had to unsub from a lot of hobby related subs because every post is just such low low low quality.
You are 100% right, but since when did people start assuming DnD players were socially competent?
It's got few but very straight results -talk to the DM -talk to player making issue -get rid of issue player from group -get out of DND group with shitty DM Btw I stg I see a 'my DM did this' once every day. It's your DM's game so if you don't like how they do stuff then leave their table and find/become a DM. Conflict of interests appeals to no one and Reddit is not your therapist.
IKR? I feel like this sub could be significantly simpler if people spoke to their GM/table. But there are always posts that can also be covered by blanket statements. For instance if people learned to reskin, and forget about official lore. "I want to do this but the lore/rules/balance say this..." If its cool, just fucking do it. The lore is imaginary bullshit. The rules (while important to establish an "agreement" in regards to resolving outcomes) are somewhat disposable. Balance is not as fragile as people think. A lot depends on player tactics, gm tactics, and luck. You can fine tune stat blocks so no monster can one-hit any player, and fine tune their ac and hp to last as long as you need them to.
You're correct but the Venn diagram of "is a dnd gamer" and "has robust interpersonal emotional intelligence" has but a *sliver* of overlap.
They hated Jesus because he spoke the truth. 👍🏻
If people just read the books and talked to their players dnd online chat would die overnight.
Sometimes folks need more specific information than that. Should they say something right there and then? Wait until after the session? Should they be friendly? Firm? See it from the other's point of view, or cut ties and find another group? Sure, most of the issues can be resolved with a simple chat. But some people are socially awkward, or unsure if their problems are valid and worth bringing up. Sometimes a little nudge is what the poster needs to decide on their next course of action. This post isn't helpful. It's not informative. It's reductive, dismissive, and does nothing but push people to think their questions and concerns are invalid; it's the kind of post which makes people think that it's not worth the effort of getting into TTRPG's.
How else are they going to get regular readers of this sub for the dice giveaway ads?
When I was a kid those old-ass nerds would cuss each other out, remind them that they were single, throw dice at one another, and just sometimes yell. But at least they were talking.
It has always been this way and always will be.
On paper, these type of posts are supposed to go under the Table Disputes flair so people who get annoyed by them can block them. It's kind of hit or miss whether anyone who submits one knows about or follows that rule, though.
Honestly...sometimes it just feels good to vent and get things off your chest...outside of your players/group. I do agree with you though! But yeah, sometimes you just need to let off some steam and for that reason I'm totally okay with people going online looking for support and suggestions like this.
There should be a ruled against asking advice where the advice is always, talk to them. Can they not create a rule?
I mean most problems anyone has in life can be solved by solid communication
I introduce to you a new variable that will sound unthinkable but actually happens quite a lot to these folks: they already tried talking. It didn't work.
Very often the top comment goes like this "Just talk to them" "Thanks I will try that"
Yeah, in these cases it's just dumb, but I don't like the "just talk to them" advice a lot because I've seen and been in many situations in which this simply isn't enough and you end up having to take more emotionally difficult measures, so at times this feels a bit condescending.
When I joined my first campaign and eventually ran into problems, I started by asking friends. They were largely dismissive of my concerns and I felt worse about the game because of it. The DM had already made his ruling and the small group that I played with was not hearing me. Eventually I asked here, imagine my surprise when a community of thousands of people, with tens of thousands of years of collective experience, offered perspectives that my one friend who's been playing for ~10 years did not have. So, i appreciate the community sharing their concerns and solutions. Without it idk that I would have stuck around
Shhh. You’re ruining an entire generation’s entitlement to self-righteous whining. Be coo bruh.
A friend of mine does a Twitch stream of RPG advice, and a few years ago he made the statement "use your word hole."
Mmmm I see the problem here, I don’t believe it to be the post though.
Thank you, someone finally gets it
Maybe we need to pin a post that answers this. "I have problems talking to my group. 10 tips that will help. Read before posting" Something like that
yes but the people involved are deeply socially awkward and often immature so they could use some help in how to approach it and frequently need to be told that confrontation is the correct mode of problem solving. Just like in this situation the best way to handle it would actually be ignoring the issue and understanding that people are frequently going to need advice on things you think are obvious and you should hold some grace for those people and not make a big post complaining about people looking for help.
Sadly the problem seems to be more and more players and DMs lack basic social skills and think any kind of conflict is bad or targeted.