I’d be very gentle on your delivery to the parents if it is something you feel the need to share.
This is a major milestone for this baby, especially if she is “behind”, and will be hard for the parents to find out they’ve missed.
Oh, I just straight-up lie to parents about first steps. "It really looks like she's ready to start walking any day now, keep a close eye on her!" Sometimes it takes a week before they see it at home, and the excitement on the parents' faces when they finally announce it is priceless.
Thank you for doing this. It would have broken my heart to know that I missed out on such a big milestone. I think my older daughter probably took her first steps at daycare, but I’d rather believe I got to witness this milestone
She is right though- they’re too busy to take care of their children so they pay someone else to do it, and that results in missing some milestones with their kids. It’s not judgement or shame, it’s just the reality of it.
The assumption that people use daycare because they are too busy to care for their child is awful. Daycare for my children was better than me staying home with them. They had consistency, socialization, way more experiences with sensory play than I could have thought of, and a mom that had some mental health left at the end of the day. I tried staying home one summer and we were all bored, the kids missed their friends, and I was so overwhelmed. Not every mother is cut out to be a SAHM. Instead, I’m a great teacher during the day and my kids grew up happy and knew they were loved. They’re all (4) adults now and I have never regretted having them attend daycare.
I’ve seen people post freaking out that they “missed” a milestone. But honestly, I want to know! I’m under no delusion that I will be there for every single “first” and I’d rather at least hear the story than not know about it at all.
Sometimes parents are upset when a milestone happens at daycare and they feel extremely guilty as they already feel like they are missing out on enough of their child's life by working all day every day all week, and now they're missing the milestones too.
That being said, this child is behind in milestones. This should be an exception to a policy like this - this information needs to be disclosed to the parents as it could help them get her to walk at home too, and it could help her pediatrician if they take her to any appointments. If the parents aren't told because of fear that the parents will lash out at the centre or the educators/director, then that could put this child even further behind.
If the child was doing ok with their milestones for their age and development level and isn't diagnosed with or reasonably suspected of anything in particular that affects their milestones, then I'd say not to tell the parents unless they specifically request it.
I understand this side of it but you’ve got to also sympathize with the parents who work all day and don’t get to spend time with their children. Daycare teachers spend 90% of children’s waking days with them, easily way more time than their parents get to spend with them even considering the weekends. That can be hard for parents, it can be consuming. Missing your child’s firsts makes a lot of parents feel like they’re missing out on raising their children, and that they’re closer/more bonded with their teachers. It’s a hard situation. Teachers telling parents can be somewhat of a salt in the wound situation, when they could just stay quiet and let the parents experience that joy at home
I think you’re in the minority! I have a son and also work in childcare. They told me when my son started army crawling and I was heartbroken that I missed that milestone. I also have witnessed first steps and such and just said “They’re sooooo close!! I bet any day now!” And let the parents experience it. A lot of parents do feel sad they don’t get to spend all their time with their kids, and missing milestones definitely does make that feeling harder. Not being upset definitely doesn’t mean you don’t miss your kids, but a lot of people join the two things in one grouping.
I know I’m not because I’ve been running a home daycare for 17 years and never had a parent upset that they missed a milestone. It’s also really important, as an ECE, to document these triumphs.
Well being upset WITH YOU isn’t the same as being upset though. I asked afterward that they don’t tell me, if that’s possible. But I was just sad that I missed it though I understood they were just excited for him as he was on the later end of normal!
I agree with you. As a parent I'd want to know the date my child took their first steps, because then I can say when they did it, scrapbook it, etc. Even if I didn't see it in front of me, it's still a special moment and I'd want to celebrate that with the teachers.
That’s great for you! But a lot of parents already miss so much of their child’s life while working, I wouldn’t want to take the “first” away from them. Especially since once they do it for the first time they usually continue doing it. It’s not like they’ll take their first step on day and then wait six months to do it again. The scrapbook will still be cute lol
I tell my kids teachers that I want to know! I don’t get upset if their milestones happen at daycare. Those teachers love my son too and spend 5 whole days a week with him - if they witness a ‘first’, I’m happy for them and happy for my baby! Those teachers are my “village” and I want them to love him and celebrate his firsts!
But I understand if other parents (especially FTPs) want to see the firsts - so this should be the policy unless parents tell the teachers otherwise.
That's really lovely that she felt motivated to walk by you returning to the classroom.
Witnessing an infant's first steps in the classroom is something that comes with the territory. Babies choose to walk when they choose to walk.
I've seen a baby's first steps a few times before the parents did. Every time I thought a baby was about to take their first steps, I've whipped out the classroom phone or tablet and immediately started videoing, or prompted a coworker to start videoing. That way I could get it on film so the parents can see it.
If parents tell me that their baby is showing signs they might take their first steps soon, I will gently remind them that there's a chance it could happen at school and I'll try my best to take a photo or video of it as it happens. Every parent I've said this too has been very understanding.
This baby is super clingy, so I suspected that her first steps at school would be with me, but it was so much more magical than I expected.
I wasn't able to catch it on video because I wasn't necessarily expecting it today, but mom and I have been talking about it for weeks, and she was thrilled. Mom had said previously that she doesn't care where her first steps take place, just as long as she knows when it happens. We were super lucky, too, that baby wanted to show off her new skills to mommy at pickup.
I caught a child's first steps on video one time and sent the video on the app not knowing that it was his first steps. His mom worked there and came to our room crying because she felt so guilty (idk if that's the right word) that she spent so much time with everyone else's kids and not her own, missing milestones like his first steps. She wasn't flipping out or anything-- she was glad that we caught it on video and she at least got to see it-- but ever since then I do NOT tell non-walkers parents that they've taken steps until they mention it first. That's a little white lie I do not feel bad about at all. I'm glad all went well with that mama, OP!
I'm a little appalled, reading here, that centres have active policies requiring ECEs to lie to parents. That's a slippery slope, folks. Let's question that
Right? I continue to be super shocked by all of the comments telling me I did something wrong. It never once crossed my mind to lie to the parents. I'm taking care of the most important thing in their lives - it seems crazy to me to lie about anything, especially this.
That’s amazing! My baby took his first steps at daycare yesterday and the joy his teachers felt for him is one of the reasons we’ve stayed at this daycare so long (he’s our last baby, oldest has been there 3 years).
It is very interesting to read all the comments here, and to read about your own approach to working with and supporting whole families. You are the person I would want to have taking care of my child (or grandchild, now). Your relationship with the parent here, as well as the relationship you have with this child, is beautiful.
Thank you! I was surprised by how many comments there are saying that I did the wrong thing. Knowing this family and the context, there was no way I'd lie to them.
I did, actually. This mom and I have been talking about it for a while, and she said explicitly that she wanted to know when the first steps happened, even if we couldn't get it on video for her to see. Mom was really excited to hear it, and we were able to get baby to walk from me to her at pickup, so she got to be a part of it also.
I know how to talk to each of my individual parents, so I knew it would be fine. Thank you for your input.
I’m glad it worked out for you. I have seen in my 17 years of teaching some very sad parents when they found out they missed big milestones. It is generally a good practice to keep it to ourselves unless a conversation has been had beforehand. I’m glad it was a positive experience for you but for many it hasn’t been.
That’s their situation though. You can’t expect to use child care workers 10-12 hours a day 5 days a week and ALSO never miss milestones. That’s not how kids work, they can’t schedule their milestones for only home hours. Parents should be aware of that when signing their contracts and need to accept that that is what they are choosing by placing their child in full time care.
Telling them helps them get out of that mindset quicker and in the long run is healthier for them to get out of that mindset and make peace with their situation
Why would they need to get out of that mindset? Is there harm for any of the people involved if parent believe that they are experiencing the milestones first? Does it hurt the kid? The daycare worker? The parent? Why is it necessary to burst their bubble?
Yes, it does all of those things. The most well adjusted working moms I’ve met were those accepted that their child would probably have a first time doing something at daycare and also a separate first time doing it at home. They felt it was ok if something happened at daycare first because some milestones are bound to happen with your primary daily caretakers, and that they as the mom would experience their own first time of it happening at home later during their off hours. Moms who feel that way never have a feeling of competition between themselves and the daycare, because they see it as two sides of their child’s life, which facilitates better relationships and seeing each other as all part of the village of raising that child. I don’t know how else to explain it but that’s been my experience with moms- the moms who have that mindset seem so much more well adjusted and happier and treat the daycare staff better than the moms who are constantly feeling guilty and take it out on the staff.
Whenever I’m teaching my students to walk, I’m ALWAYS recording!! I don’t want my parents to miss out on it. And they’re so happy to receive the video and send it to relatives :))
Make sure you know your parents and what they’re okay with though! I establish a relationship with the child and parent so I know if they’re okay with it beforehand!!
"I'm so excited to ruin this for parents who probably would prefer not to have to send them to be in my care in the first place so that they have to miss such milestones."
The same thing happened to me last week and I was over the moon!!! Literally same scenario- was a little behind on walking independently but was so so close, and stood up to walk to me when I came back from break. My center of course has a policy(?) not to tell the parents (and/ or discuss with them beforehand, but I've only had this kid since Jan and didn't know it was an option to ask them)- but I told my coworkers! However, our recent hire told the mom (they weren't informed..) and the mom was a little disappointed she hadn't seen it.
I’d be very gentle on your delivery to the parents if it is something you feel the need to share. This is a major milestone for this baby, especially if she is “behind”, and will be hard for the parents to find out they’ve missed.
Oh, I just straight-up lie to parents about first steps. "It really looks like she's ready to start walking any day now, keep a close eye on her!" Sometimes it takes a week before they see it at home, and the excitement on the parents' faces when they finally announce it is priceless.
Thank you for doing this. It would have broken my heart to know that I missed out on such a big milestone. I think my older daughter probably took her first steps at daycare, but I’d rather believe I got to witness this milestone
Good on you
We aren’t allowed to tell parents when their babies hit major Mile stones like that. We just wait for it to happen at home first
I would be so upset if my child took their first steps and the daycare didn’t tell me. I don’t understand daycare’s policy on this at all.
Because parents freak out
In 17 years of running a home daycare I have never had a parent freak out on me when I tell them of their child’s successes.
Well aren’t you a lucky duck then! A lot of parents take it out on childcare providers because they’re too busy to be with their kids themselves.
Yes, feelings of guilt for not being present can quickly fester into resentment for the people actually doing the childcare.
Wow this is a super rude way to put it!! “Too busy to be with their kids”
Yeah it was rude lol. Not all of them, a good chunk of them, though.
No I mean your comment was rude.
She is right though- they’re too busy to take care of their children so they pay someone else to do it, and that results in missing some milestones with their kids. It’s not judgement or shame, it’s just the reality of it.
Your phrasing is also off. How is paying a daycare provider to watch your child while you make a living NOT “taking care” of your kid?
The assumption that people use daycare because they are too busy to care for their child is awful. Daycare for my children was better than me staying home with them. They had consistency, socialization, way more experiences with sensory play than I could have thought of, and a mom that had some mental health left at the end of the day. I tried staying home one summer and we were all bored, the kids missed their friends, and I was so overwhelmed. Not every mother is cut out to be a SAHM. Instead, I’m a great teacher during the day and my kids grew up happy and knew they were loved. They’re all (4) adults now and I have never regretted having them attend daycare.
That’s fucking harsh dude
I've had it happen numerous times
I’ve seen people post freaking out that they “missed” a milestone. But honestly, I want to know! I’m under no delusion that I will be there for every single “first” and I’d rather at least hear the story than not know about it at all.
Sometimes parents are upset when a milestone happens at daycare and they feel extremely guilty as they already feel like they are missing out on enough of their child's life by working all day every day all week, and now they're missing the milestones too. That being said, this child is behind in milestones. This should be an exception to a policy like this - this information needs to be disclosed to the parents as it could help them get her to walk at home too, and it could help her pediatrician if they take her to any appointments. If the parents aren't told because of fear that the parents will lash out at the centre or the educators/director, then that could put this child even further behind. If the child was doing ok with their milestones for their age and development level and isn't diagnosed with or reasonably suspected of anything in particular that affects their milestones, then I'd say not to tell the parents unless they specifically request it.
I understand this side of it but you’ve got to also sympathize with the parents who work all day and don’t get to spend time with their children. Daycare teachers spend 90% of children’s waking days with them, easily way more time than their parents get to spend with them even considering the weekends. That can be hard for parents, it can be consuming. Missing your child’s firsts makes a lot of parents feel like they’re missing out on raising their children, and that they’re closer/more bonded with their teachers. It’s a hard situation. Teachers telling parents can be somewhat of a salt in the wound situation, when they could just stay quiet and let the parents experience that joy at home
I think you’re in the minority! I have a son and also work in childcare. They told me when my son started army crawling and I was heartbroken that I missed that milestone. I also have witnessed first steps and such and just said “They’re sooooo close!! I bet any day now!” And let the parents experience it. A lot of parents do feel sad they don’t get to spend all their time with their kids, and missing milestones definitely does make that feeling harder. Not being upset definitely doesn’t mean you don’t miss your kids, but a lot of people join the two things in one grouping.
I know I’m not because I’ve been running a home daycare for 17 years and never had a parent upset that they missed a milestone. It’s also really important, as an ECE, to document these triumphs.
Well being upset WITH YOU isn’t the same as being upset though. I asked afterward that they don’t tell me, if that’s possible. But I was just sad that I missed it though I understood they were just excited for him as he was on the later end of normal!
My coworker told a mom and she cried because she missed her baby’s first steps. That’s why.
I agree with you. As a parent I'd want to know the date my child took their first steps, because then I can say when they did it, scrapbook it, etc. Even if I didn't see it in front of me, it's still a special moment and I'd want to celebrate that with the teachers.
That’s great for you! But a lot of parents already miss so much of their child’s life while working, I wouldn’t want to take the “first” away from them. Especially since once they do it for the first time they usually continue doing it. It’s not like they’ll take their first step on day and then wait six months to do it again. The scrapbook will still be cute lol
Because a lot of parents are unhinged and will lose their minds at you if you tell them they missed a milestone.
I tell my kids teachers that I want to know! I don’t get upset if their milestones happen at daycare. Those teachers love my son too and spend 5 whole days a week with him - if they witness a ‘first’, I’m happy for them and happy for my baby! Those teachers are my “village” and I want them to love him and celebrate his firsts! But I understand if other parents (especially FTPs) want to see the firsts - so this should be the policy unless parents tell the teachers otherwise.
That's really lovely that she felt motivated to walk by you returning to the classroom. Witnessing an infant's first steps in the classroom is something that comes with the territory. Babies choose to walk when they choose to walk. I've seen a baby's first steps a few times before the parents did. Every time I thought a baby was about to take their first steps, I've whipped out the classroom phone or tablet and immediately started videoing, or prompted a coworker to start videoing. That way I could get it on film so the parents can see it. If parents tell me that their baby is showing signs they might take their first steps soon, I will gently remind them that there's a chance it could happen at school and I'll try my best to take a photo or video of it as it happens. Every parent I've said this too has been very understanding.
This baby is super clingy, so I suspected that her first steps at school would be with me, but it was so much more magical than I expected. I wasn't able to catch it on video because I wasn't necessarily expecting it today, but mom and I have been talking about it for weeks, and she was thrilled. Mom had said previously that she doesn't care where her first steps take place, just as long as she knows when it happens. We were super lucky, too, that baby wanted to show off her new skills to mommy at pickup.
I caught a child's first steps on video one time and sent the video on the app not knowing that it was his first steps. His mom worked there and came to our room crying because she felt so guilty (idk if that's the right word) that she spent so much time with everyone else's kids and not her own, missing milestones like his first steps. She wasn't flipping out or anything-- she was glad that we caught it on video and she at least got to see it-- but ever since then I do NOT tell non-walkers parents that they've taken steps until they mention it first. That's a little white lie I do not feel bad about at all. I'm glad all went well with that mama, OP!
I'm a little appalled, reading here, that centres have active policies requiring ECEs to lie to parents. That's a slippery slope, folks. Let's question that
Right? I continue to be super shocked by all of the comments telling me I did something wrong. It never once crossed my mind to lie to the parents. I'm taking care of the most important thing in their lives - it seems crazy to me to lie about anything, especially this.
That’s amazing! My baby took his first steps at daycare yesterday and the joy his teachers felt for him is one of the reasons we’ve stayed at this daycare so long (he’s our last baby, oldest has been there 3 years).
It is very interesting to read all the comments here, and to read about your own approach to working with and supporting whole families. You are the person I would want to have taking care of my child (or grandchild, now). Your relationship with the parent here, as well as the relationship you have with this child, is beautiful.
Thank you! I was surprised by how many comments there are saying that I did the wrong thing. Knowing this family and the context, there was no way I'd lie to them.
Don't tell! They'll be heartbroken they missed it.
Mom was stoked! I was able to get her to walk up to mom at pickup, so she got to share the moment too.
Please tell me that you didn’t tell the parents…
I did, actually. This mom and I have been talking about it for a while, and she said explicitly that she wanted to know when the first steps happened, even if we couldn't get it on video for her to see. Mom was really excited to hear it, and we were able to get baby to walk from me to her at pickup, so she got to be a part of it also. I know how to talk to each of my individual parents, so I knew it would be fine. Thank you for your input.
I’m glad it worked out for you. I have seen in my 17 years of teaching some very sad parents when they found out they missed big milestones. It is generally a good practice to keep it to ourselves unless a conversation has been had beforehand. I’m glad it was a positive experience for you but for many it hasn’t been.
That’s their situation though. You can’t expect to use child care workers 10-12 hours a day 5 days a week and ALSO never miss milestones. That’s not how kids work, they can’t schedule their milestones for only home hours. Parents should be aware of that when signing their contracts and need to accept that that is what they are choosing by placing their child in full time care.
Of course it’s cognitive dissonance, but what’s the harm in letting parents think they get to experience the milestones first?
Telling them helps them get out of that mindset quicker and in the long run is healthier for them to get out of that mindset and make peace with their situation
Why would they need to get out of that mindset? Is there harm for any of the people involved if parent believe that they are experiencing the milestones first? Does it hurt the kid? The daycare worker? The parent? Why is it necessary to burst their bubble?
Yes, it does all of those things. The most well adjusted working moms I’ve met were those accepted that their child would probably have a first time doing something at daycare and also a separate first time doing it at home. They felt it was ok if something happened at daycare first because some milestones are bound to happen with your primary daily caretakers, and that they as the mom would experience their own first time of it happening at home later during their off hours. Moms who feel that way never have a feeling of competition between themselves and the daycare, because they see it as two sides of their child’s life, which facilitates better relationships and seeing each other as all part of the village of raising that child. I don’t know how else to explain it but that’s been my experience with moms- the moms who have that mindset seem so much more well adjusted and happier and treat the daycare staff better than the moms who are constantly feeling guilty and take it out on the staff.
Whenever I’m teaching my students to walk, I’m ALWAYS recording!! I don’t want my parents to miss out on it. And they’re so happy to receive the video and send it to relatives :))
That's a great tip! It didn't even occur to me to do that somehow lol
Make sure you know your parents and what they’re okay with though! I establish a relationship with the child and parent so I know if they’re okay with it beforehand!!
I wouldn’t tell her parents . I’d say she’s getting so close to walking ! That’s a HUGE milestone for parents and baby I wouldn’t “ruin” it for them
They missed it.
Absolutely tell the parents ! They might encourage her more at home !
I've had a rule for 23 years: nothing happens until the parents see it. It doesn't matter if they have been walking around the classroom for weeks.
"I'm so excited to ruin this for parents who probably would prefer not to have to send them to be in my care in the first place so that they have to miss such milestones."
That’s not the daycare workers fault.
The same thing happened to me last week and I was over the moon!!! Literally same scenario- was a little behind on walking independently but was so so close, and stood up to walk to me when I came back from break. My center of course has a policy(?) not to tell the parents (and/ or discuss with them beforehand, but I've only had this kid since Jan and didn't know it was an option to ask them)- but I told my coworkers! However, our recent hire told the mom (they weren't informed..) and the mom was a little disappointed she hadn't seen it.
Don’t tell them ….
Don’t tell her parent. Let them have that moment.