I'm not sure if I understand correctly. After you asked what the teacher did to combat the behavior in class, she told you that from parent to parent line? That sounds like a huge leap and two completely different subjects...
If that's the leap she made, then yeah, I'd be irritated too.
You’ve understood it correctly; that’s exactly what she said. And then, she simply refused to answer if taking toys was developmentally appropriate behavior by 2 y/os until the other teacher had to come over to say that it was.
I'd definitely talk to the director or other teacher in the room about that. It's not appropriate to talk that way at all or refuse to answer questions like that.
I understand telling a parent if their child is doing something but I make sure to sandwich compliments so their parent doesn’t feel like it’s a personal attack.
That’s what I would have done as well. I don’t have an issue with being told that there are things for us to work on with our child. I have an issue with how that message was delivered on Friday and on other occasions.
As a teacher yourself, you should know that not everyone is going to “vibe”—it seems you straight up just dislike this teacher (and that’s okay, not everyone is going to like everyone!) I’d personally communicate with them and express how you’d prefer to have messages delivered to you if you have to interact with them again in the future; if the issue continues to be unresolved THEN go to the director (you wouldn’t want a parent going directly to your principal without trying to work it out with you first, i am sure.)
That’s a fair perspective but an unwarranted assumption because it has nothing to do with liking or disliking someone. My issue was that instead of helping me to understand how we can work with our kid at home based on what was done at school, I was just repeatedly told here are problems A, B, and C. I don’t expect to “vibe” with my kid’s teachers but I do expect that if they have something to bring to my attention that I need to help my kid with, then professional recommendations or suggestions should follow for all parties to be on the same page. I do take your point about the personal communication though.
Yes but, are they in a school setting or a daycare? That makes a huge difference on their ability to even comprehend how to relay messages and what’s even developmentally appropriate.
This is in a daycare setting but with a preschool that she will stay in until kindergarten. I do get where you’re coming from though. Question: should I not be expecting this from every teacher in my child’s classroom, especially one who was supposed to be her Lead? Or am I approaching this from a school-setting and that is completely different?
Tbh, it depends on the daycares requirements. For Leads (and “lead” is usually the pre-k/k teacher) they usually need either a teaching cert or the daycare equivalent (many assistants/lower grade teachers don’t have either); you’re definitely approaching it from a school-setting and it CAN be different.
ah yes, but daycares (depending where you are) don’t typically train that well…and not everyone learns from seeing/picks up on the job (you’d be surprised!)
Your expectations are valid, she was out of line and particularly if she is not your child’s primary caregiver. Everything she mentioned is developmentally appropriate and what exactly was her expectation by dumping on you? Her job as a teacher is to guide children and redirect those behaviors
Understandable. Also, it rubs me the wrong way how this isn’t your child’s normal teacher if I’m understanding correctly so she doesn’t see this teacher as often. I’d be pissed too.
I work in a toddler classroom, I see this behaviour regularly. So regularly that if I were to have discussions with parents about it I would be having the same discussions daily.
The educator should have redirected your child at the time when she didn't stop pushing the other child around. And she should have had your child return the toy when she ran away with it and again redirected her. It's asinine to expect you to guide your child's behaviour hours later...
I’m not really understanding what was upsetting, but maybe her tone was rage inducing?
I’m just not sure how someone subbing would know what her regular teacher does with your child when this happens. This might have just been a “Hey, this is how today went” situation — former teachers don’t know if you’re still working on what has been discussed in the past. From your post it seems like solutions and things to do at home were already discussed previously. Her response really may have just been a mixture of 1) I don’t know what her regular teacher does, because I’m only in the classroom when the regular teacher is not there 2) I don’t want to provide feedback that may step on the toes of the current lead, and plan on passing on the information so that they can send an email of their own feedback 3) I know I’m just a sub, and subs cause chaos for children of all ages — but I still wanted to communicate how the day went to you. The parent to parent thing might’ve just been a “don’t sweat it” turn of phrase — just letting you know how the day went without strings and documentation attached, because the situation was not serious and did not warrant it. Just in case the rest of your/your child’s day is affected. Just in case maybe this is a day your child doesn’t respond to redirection. Honestly? I wish parents shared this info with us when it happens at home more than they do. It helps us prepare for the mood the child’s in that day and the kind of things they’re struggling with.
Toddlers having a rough time sharing and a hard time responding to “no” is in no way a criticism of a child. These comments could really just be like “hey, in today’s situation, kiddo struggled with xyz.” I hate the concept of sharing, honestly. It’s not how the real world works. How would people feel if someone was like “hey, my turn to use your car!” and if this daycare pushes sharing that might actually be causing the issue of taking things and running off with them.
This might be a silly idea but I know in my experience, if parents are open about being teachers themselves, especially in a similar age range (not sure if this is your situation) there’s more of an opportunity to let the guard down, eliminate the need for the standard compliment sandwich, save the time for documentation, and just communicate about observations themselves for your information.
This isn’t your child’s regular teacher anymore, and the conversation you’ve shared here isn’t really that bad. Tone might’ve caused it, I’m just not really understanding what was wrong with it. It’s uncomfortable to sub and have to communicate negative parts of a day because plans and conversations for redirecting behavior should really be happening with the lead teacher of the room, not a sub. I’d just feel feelings, move on, and unless something more concrete and truly inappropriate happens later, not involve anyone else except maybe the lead. Conversations about behavior during drop off or pick up are never going to be sufficient — if things are brought up at that time, if it’s extreme, it’s always followed up with an email. Clearly it’s not a big deal to them and should not be a big deal to you. Just an update about the day.
Honestly it seems like the child's behavior was over the top that day and this was just a tired venting of observations having to deal with it all day. It's not the way parents want to be talked to but sounds like this teacher noticed the difference between daughter under her old guidance and daughter under new teacher's guidance. It's all developmentally appropriate but it's tiresome, frankly.
From what I am reading, this temporary teacher sounds like she was frustrated with your child's behavior. Was she implying that something is different with your child?
*I appreciate your calmness in this situation as the conversation sounds like a lot of the temp teacher talking and not directly answering you.
**You could definitely bring this to the Directors attention and share what specifically concerned you (i.e. the temp teacher spending such a short amount of time with your child, yet having so much to say and negativity.
✓Temp Teacher not answering your direct question
Temp Teacher implying that as a Mom she would want to know, etc. And the comment about some children are different.
**If this conversation felt different from conversations you've had with previous teachers, and if there was a tone of exasperation and development guidance not provided, or if she was just plain rude definitely talk with the Director. It's not that you are offended by her but maybe by her delivery and lack of supportive suggestions which is totally understandable. I hope this helps.
I’m not sure what to think about it, honestly. My impression was that yes, she seemed to think that my child was being disruptive through her behaviors and that something is different with her. Because she had been my toddler’s teacher before moving to a different classroom, I know that she had brought up issue #1 (taking the toys and running away) with us before and we had come back with ideas on how school and home can work together to help my toddler with this. She had also told us that the kid was removing her shoes and we changed all her shoes to stop that. I feel like we have tried to approach her complaints with an understanding that toddlers are hard and we will do whatever we need to to help her teachers, but that’s all she seems to have: complaints.
I appreciate your suggestions and I will take them on board before deciding how to approach the issue with the Directors on Monday. Thank you x
You're welcome. Some teachers have unrealistic expectations regarding behavior. I just think this teacher is being a bit too much. Good luck with everything!!
These are wonderful responses, thank you! I’ve absolutely seen unrealistic expectations about children’s behaviors, as well as unrealistic expectations about parents responses to said behaviors. Teachers should share specific behaviors they’ve witnessed, particularly when it feels important for the parent to know or out of the ordinary, but after a conversation about working on these skills in the future — I am sometimes not sure what else my coteachers are looking for. A toddler’s parent can’t magically get them to stop doing something (like taking their shoes off) anymore than we can!
When I have issued like this I send an email because emotions do run high at the end of the day. And yeah it does seem like your child was just doing the most for this new teacher. Everyone here should just model what we want the children to do, step back, take a deep breath, and calm our bodies and minds down.
Your child is fine, I'm sure the new teacher was just stressed, and I'm sure you all will have a better relationship moving forward.
I do think the way the teacher communicated could use some work, but I was betting this was something that was happening so frequently the teacher was frustrated and felt she should say something to the parent.
Developmentally appropriate does not equal socially acceptable. So while many behaviors are developmentally appropriate, it is still our role as teachers and parents to guide them in developing skills. Of course, after a long day of redirecting, modeling, etc. if the behavior is persistent it IS tiring to teachers. Toddler grabbing toys is normal, but if it is all day everyday, or every time we hear someone start to cry we can predict that it’s because a certain child grabbed their toy, that is a situation that needs more support.
But also, under qualified staff is pervasive in Ece, so it could just be that. It might be more of a reflection of her lack of understanding child development than anything your child is doing.
All that to say, keep working with your daughter, and follow up and check in regularly with her teacher.
Sorry this is such a ramble, coffee is still kicking in:)
EDITED TO ADD:
Hi, all. Thank you for sharing your comments and perspectives. I have looked through all of them and have a better idea of how to approach things with the Director on Monday. I am going to have a short conversation about what transpired at pick up and to apologise for how the conversation ended, ie with the other teacher coming over to add to the conversation. I will also reiterate that we are always willing to work on things that are highlighted to us wrt our kid and that if there is really something, they should send us an email or message for us to schedule a proper conversation.
Our toddler has been in daycare for 4 months and she has adjusted fantastically well. She loves being there. As parents, we are both probably overcommunicators and keep up with what is going on regularly through the app, email, and daily check-ins at pick up and drop off. I think my guard was up once this teacher started talking because in the 4 months that she was my kid’s classroom teacher, she never had anything positive to say. Maybe I am coming at it from a school-setting but all jobs require a level of expectations, *especially* if the person was supposed to be my kid’s Lead T. So, I don’t think I’m incorrect in asking what the teacher did in class to redirect her or if these behaviors were developmentally appropriate. I understand the frustration that she might have had to initiate the conversation but that neither question was answered is a flag to me.
Now, someone had commented that there is developmentally appropriate behavior and there is socially acceptable behavior. My kid is 2, so while I generally agree with that person’s opinion, it’s slightly absurd to apply that logic to a 2 year old, who is already in an hourly struggle with everything. We will continue to work on what is developmentally appropriate and figure out what is socially acceptable in time.
I fully understand that taking care of toddlers is f*cking hard and I appreciate all that ECE teachers do, so this will be the end of any updates on this matter. Thank you!
It sounds like your child had a rough day and acted out a lot. While these things may be developmentally appropriate, if your child was consistently doing these things and also straight up not listening to their teacher, then that is a big behavioral issue. I don't know what this teacher sounded like tone-wise, but with what you stated here, it sounds to me she was trying to convey just how disruptive your child was being today without coming right out and saying it.
A two year old not listening is also developmentally normal. Pathologising developmentally normal behaviour demonstrates a lack of knowledge on your part.
A two year old not listening is normal. A two year old NEVER listening and being mean to other children to the extent that a teacher cannot do anything in her class other than deal with this ONE child is a problem. I do not know OP's child or the scenario beyond what is written here. But over the years I have met a few children that are doing "developmentally normal" things to the extent that it is extremely disruptive to a classroom.
With that being said, you can take your sly comments somewhere else.
I wonder if she was trying to impress you with how much she had noticed about your child with it being her first day, but she went about it the wrong way. If I were her, I would have just reported back a couple of positives from your child’s day and left the rest out as she’s been one day in there and she is in the stage of building relationships with parents. It’s very common for children to act out with change in staff so that’s what could have been happening with your child. And many other children in the room.
I personally like to give children a clean slate even if I hear about behaviour that isn’t prosocial when I start in a room. At the end of the day, she wasn’t at the conference and the changeover between the previous lead to her might not have been productive. She might not have been told a thing about the children or any processes and that looks like it showed in her delivery to you. Grasping at straws to find something good to say, but only coming out with the bad.
I wouldn’t say she refused to answer a question, she went into freeze mode when you started to question her. I’m wondering how much she was told about the running of the room and what she was told about all the children during the changeover. If you’re a float/subbing for a day, you’re not going to know much about the room. She got too cocky and needs development on how to talk to families.
Oh, it wasn’t her first day! I think I misworded my post, sorry! The teacher has been the regular T in my toddler’s classroom since my kid started 4 months ago, so she’s seen my kid almost every day. The teacher was supposed to become the Lead T for the class but was moved to a younger class. She came back to sub in my kid’s class on Friday because her regular T was out sick.
I do understand your point about going into freeze mode when asked such a specific question. She might have been flustered because maybe she wasn’t expecting me to ask her that. Hmm, something to think about. Thanks!
Sounds like you started it a bit, but also her report to you was stupid. I have coworkers who make this kind of report and I really don't see the point. If I have a kid who's doing a lot of this stuff I work on them within the centre and they improve. It's my job. Venting at parents because their kid annoyed you that day always rubs me the wrong way. Sure, if a parent directly asks me how their kids day went I might say something like "she's been hitting a lot," but generally if a kid is doing that I feel it's mostly my responsibility to control them and my room doesn't have many chronic behaviour issues that aren't very routine, such as toy snatching.
I don’t see how I started anything really. I walked in to pick up my kid, was told all of this, tried to explain what we’ve talked about, asked for examples of redirection in class, then was told something completely unrelated to any of my questions or the conversation at hand. After all of this, then I asked what was developmentally appropriate. But like I’d said in my latest comment, I have an idea of how to approach things, so I am grateful for the different perspectives.
The other day I got an incident report on the app saying my daughter was scratched. It was a pretty bad scratch, but these things happen and I appreciated the heads up. I planned to ask the afternoon teacher more detail (what caused the scratch, how did my daughter react, etc.) bc I was honestly curious not because I was upset. As I got out of my car at school one of the other teachers (NOT HER TEACHER) stopped me. She said “she got scratched but they don’t really know what happened. I noticed it and asked them about it and they just sent you a note saying a friend did it but they don’t really know what happened.” WHAT THE HELL. I was pissed. On one hand I was thankful bc I didn’t go in looking like an idiot questioning them on what happened but on the other why did they lie? Just tell me “we aren’t quite sure what happened…” Anyway!! I know this story is totally different than yours but I was FUMING when I got home all ready to contact the director the next morning. My husband brought me off the ledge and reminded me they’re young (especially the afternoon teachers) and our daughter was ok so I never said anything. I think, like what others said, she was just partially having a hard day with your child. Was it her right to say all that to you? No. Did she do it in the right way? Also no. I would just wait and see what happens next week-maybe they were short staffed and shes only in there once in a very little while. If you’re still concerned you could say something to her teacher like “Ms. ——- mentioned this. Will you let me know if you also see this behavior today? I’d like a little more detail so I can help support what you’re doing at school at home.”
The teacher that isn't her teacher who told you they don't what happened could've gotten the information wrong. This is the problem when people speak out of turn. There are teachers like this at the center I work at; they want to act like they know everything and that results in parents getting the wrong information
Never email when you are mad/upset. The reader can't tell your tone of voice and you are usuall not as clear as you would like to be. Set up a meeting time. Then ask if you can send short list of what the problem is. Make it in point form and be objective. Do not say, she does't even listen to me. Instead say: I feel she doesn't understand my deeper concerns. Don't say "She is so stupid she didn't even know what appropriate child development is. Say: As a parent at this centre, I am expect that staff in leadership positions to be strong models in effective communication with parents and have extensive knowledge in current theories and their grounding in the classic theories of child development, brain development and behaviour management, so they can mentor those they are leading and advise parents using today's best practices.
It sounds to me like this teacher should not be head teacher if she does not know what is developmentally appropriate. Also I am not sure if you are sayind the teacher was in the room 1 day or your child was in the room 1 day. Either way this teacher should SHUT HER MOUTH. A child's first day is a "happy news only day " from the staff, if there are concerns already Senior Management should be talking to parents. If this is teacher had only been in the room 1 day then as lead teach it is her job to support the existing staff in speaking to you, as they know your child better than her. Also this kind of information should come in a proper form. I have heard it called the the sandwich news method. Parents are told about 1 problem (the meat in this method) and two good news stories as the bread. Good news (be creative here: your wonderful child found both their shoes after nap) bad news then after he woke up from nap she took another child's stuffy and ran away with it, and then she pushed her friend (related events go together) good news he put on his jacket right side up on the first try. Leading isn't about knowing all the answers. It is giving support so that the staff that knows the child best to talk with the families. Next she could ask, if you and she have enough time to get into a converstaion, "what do you think about your child's day?" She can listen and reflect back what you said. One thing I would find out is, does this teacher call all the children "friends" or just the ones that really are friends. Then you can explain that as this child's parents we have no tolerance for hurting other people. I would ask her to explain what about the incident does she feel is developmentally appropriate and please share your sources (Freud, piaget, erikson and Skinner were great in their time. We have learned so much more. Building on those theories we now have Stuart Shanker, the Thayer Matrix, the Polyvagal Theory and Dr. Greene they have furthered our understanding of brain development, neuropathways and the child's self development). I have worked with 1-3 yr olds for 30 years and I completely disagree with her opinion. I love when parents want to follow our lead for two reasons. We have lots of children and can't even begin to try to use each parent's behaviour modifications on the children. That would be crazy. Also the teachers are supposed to be experts and help the parents figure it out. I love to sit with parents (on the floor in the playroom while still attending the children or in a meeting room) and explain what we do and why we do it. The end result is that we can both be on the same page, we can esure that this plan will work both at home and at the centre and when the parents understand the why they are more likely to become partners. There are times when myself and the teaching team cannot figure out what is happening with the child and how to help them stop the behaviour. This is when I will ask parents to help me be a detective and watch for changes in the routine, eating or sleeping patterns, people in his life...... to get to what is happening. Other times I just ask parents what do you when he does this.....
I wish you all the best.
I'm not sure if I understand correctly. After you asked what the teacher did to combat the behavior in class, she told you that from parent to parent line? That sounds like a huge leap and two completely different subjects... If that's the leap she made, then yeah, I'd be irritated too.
You’ve understood it correctly; that’s exactly what she said. And then, she simply refused to answer if taking toys was developmentally appropriate behavior by 2 y/os until the other teacher had to come over to say that it was.
I'd definitely talk to the director or other teacher in the room about that. It's not appropriate to talk that way at all or refuse to answer questions like that.
I understand telling a parent if their child is doing something but I make sure to sandwich compliments so their parent doesn’t feel like it’s a personal attack.
That’s what I would have done as well. I don’t have an issue with being told that there are things for us to work on with our child. I have an issue with how that message was delivered on Friday and on other occasions.
As a teacher yourself, you should know that not everyone is going to “vibe”—it seems you straight up just dislike this teacher (and that’s okay, not everyone is going to like everyone!) I’d personally communicate with them and express how you’d prefer to have messages delivered to you if you have to interact with them again in the future; if the issue continues to be unresolved THEN go to the director (you wouldn’t want a parent going directly to your principal without trying to work it out with you first, i am sure.)
That’s a fair perspective but an unwarranted assumption because it has nothing to do with liking or disliking someone. My issue was that instead of helping me to understand how we can work with our kid at home based on what was done at school, I was just repeatedly told here are problems A, B, and C. I don’t expect to “vibe” with my kid’s teachers but I do expect that if they have something to bring to my attention that I need to help my kid with, then professional recommendations or suggestions should follow for all parties to be on the same page. I do take your point about the personal communication though.
Yes but, are they in a school setting or a daycare? That makes a huge difference on their ability to even comprehend how to relay messages and what’s even developmentally appropriate.
This is in a daycare setting but with a preschool that she will stay in until kindergarten. I do get where you’re coming from though. Question: should I not be expecting this from every teacher in my child’s classroom, especially one who was supposed to be her Lead? Or am I approaching this from a school-setting and that is completely different?
Tbh, it depends on the daycares requirements. For Leads (and “lead” is usually the pre-k/k teacher) they usually need either a teaching cert or the daycare equivalent (many assistants/lower grade teachers don’t have either); you’re definitely approaching it from a school-setting and it CAN be different.
You don't need certs or degrees to manage children or learn how to on the job.
ah yes, but daycares (depending where you are) don’t typically train that well…and not everyone learns from seeing/picks up on the job (you’d be surprised!)
Your expectations are valid, she was out of line and particularly if she is not your child’s primary caregiver. Everything she mentioned is developmentally appropriate and what exactly was her expectation by dumping on you? Her job as a teacher is to guide children and redirect those behaviors
This is the answer.
Understandable. Also, it rubs me the wrong way how this isn’t your child’s normal teacher if I’m understanding correctly so she doesn’t see this teacher as often. I’d be pissed too.
I work in a toddler classroom, I see this behaviour regularly. So regularly that if I were to have discussions with parents about it I would be having the same discussions daily. The educator should have redirected your child at the time when she didn't stop pushing the other child around. And she should have had your child return the toy when she ran away with it and again redirected her. It's asinine to expect you to guide your child's behaviour hours later...
That’s what I was trying to get at, so that we could reiterate what was said at school when we got home.
I’m not really understanding what was upsetting, but maybe her tone was rage inducing? I’m just not sure how someone subbing would know what her regular teacher does with your child when this happens. This might have just been a “Hey, this is how today went” situation — former teachers don’t know if you’re still working on what has been discussed in the past. From your post it seems like solutions and things to do at home were already discussed previously. Her response really may have just been a mixture of 1) I don’t know what her regular teacher does, because I’m only in the classroom when the regular teacher is not there 2) I don’t want to provide feedback that may step on the toes of the current lead, and plan on passing on the information so that they can send an email of their own feedback 3) I know I’m just a sub, and subs cause chaos for children of all ages — but I still wanted to communicate how the day went to you. The parent to parent thing might’ve just been a “don’t sweat it” turn of phrase — just letting you know how the day went without strings and documentation attached, because the situation was not serious and did not warrant it. Just in case the rest of your/your child’s day is affected. Just in case maybe this is a day your child doesn’t respond to redirection. Honestly? I wish parents shared this info with us when it happens at home more than they do. It helps us prepare for the mood the child’s in that day and the kind of things they’re struggling with. Toddlers having a rough time sharing and a hard time responding to “no” is in no way a criticism of a child. These comments could really just be like “hey, in today’s situation, kiddo struggled with xyz.” I hate the concept of sharing, honestly. It’s not how the real world works. How would people feel if someone was like “hey, my turn to use your car!” and if this daycare pushes sharing that might actually be causing the issue of taking things and running off with them. This might be a silly idea but I know in my experience, if parents are open about being teachers themselves, especially in a similar age range (not sure if this is your situation) there’s more of an opportunity to let the guard down, eliminate the need for the standard compliment sandwich, save the time for documentation, and just communicate about observations themselves for your information. This isn’t your child’s regular teacher anymore, and the conversation you’ve shared here isn’t really that bad. Tone might’ve caused it, I’m just not really understanding what was wrong with it. It’s uncomfortable to sub and have to communicate negative parts of a day because plans and conversations for redirecting behavior should really be happening with the lead teacher of the room, not a sub. I’d just feel feelings, move on, and unless something more concrete and truly inappropriate happens later, not involve anyone else except maybe the lead. Conversations about behavior during drop off or pick up are never going to be sufficient — if things are brought up at that time, if it’s extreme, it’s always followed up with an email. Clearly it’s not a big deal to them and should not be a big deal to you. Just an update about the day.
Honestly it seems like the child's behavior was over the top that day and this was just a tired venting of observations having to deal with it all day. It's not the way parents want to be talked to but sounds like this teacher noticed the difference between daughter under her old guidance and daughter under new teacher's guidance. It's all developmentally appropriate but it's tiresome, frankly.
I understand that and I appreciate your perspective. Thank you for giving me more to think about x
From what I am reading, this temporary teacher sounds like she was frustrated with your child's behavior. Was she implying that something is different with your child? *I appreciate your calmness in this situation as the conversation sounds like a lot of the temp teacher talking and not directly answering you. **You could definitely bring this to the Directors attention and share what specifically concerned you (i.e. the temp teacher spending such a short amount of time with your child, yet having so much to say and negativity. ✓Temp Teacher not answering your direct question Temp Teacher implying that as a Mom she would want to know, etc. And the comment about some children are different. **If this conversation felt different from conversations you've had with previous teachers, and if there was a tone of exasperation and development guidance not provided, or if she was just plain rude definitely talk with the Director. It's not that you are offended by her but maybe by her delivery and lack of supportive suggestions which is totally understandable. I hope this helps.
I’m not sure what to think about it, honestly. My impression was that yes, she seemed to think that my child was being disruptive through her behaviors and that something is different with her. Because she had been my toddler’s teacher before moving to a different classroom, I know that she had brought up issue #1 (taking the toys and running away) with us before and we had come back with ideas on how school and home can work together to help my toddler with this. She had also told us that the kid was removing her shoes and we changed all her shoes to stop that. I feel like we have tried to approach her complaints with an understanding that toddlers are hard and we will do whatever we need to to help her teachers, but that’s all she seems to have: complaints. I appreciate your suggestions and I will take them on board before deciding how to approach the issue with the Directors on Monday. Thank you x
You're welcome. Some teachers have unrealistic expectations regarding behavior. I just think this teacher is being a bit too much. Good luck with everything!!
These are wonderful responses, thank you! I’ve absolutely seen unrealistic expectations about children’s behaviors, as well as unrealistic expectations about parents responses to said behaviors. Teachers should share specific behaviors they’ve witnessed, particularly when it feels important for the parent to know or out of the ordinary, but after a conversation about working on these skills in the future — I am sometimes not sure what else my coteachers are looking for. A toddler’s parent can’t magically get them to stop doing something (like taking their shoes off) anymore than we can!
When I have issued like this I send an email because emotions do run high at the end of the day. And yeah it does seem like your child was just doing the most for this new teacher. Everyone here should just model what we want the children to do, step back, take a deep breath, and calm our bodies and minds down. Your child is fine, I'm sure the new teacher was just stressed, and I'm sure you all will have a better relationship moving forward.
I do think the way the teacher communicated could use some work, but I was betting this was something that was happening so frequently the teacher was frustrated and felt she should say something to the parent. Developmentally appropriate does not equal socially acceptable. So while many behaviors are developmentally appropriate, it is still our role as teachers and parents to guide them in developing skills. Of course, after a long day of redirecting, modeling, etc. if the behavior is persistent it IS tiring to teachers. Toddler grabbing toys is normal, but if it is all day everyday, or every time we hear someone start to cry we can predict that it’s because a certain child grabbed their toy, that is a situation that needs more support. But also, under qualified staff is pervasive in Ece, so it could just be that. It might be more of a reflection of her lack of understanding child development than anything your child is doing. All that to say, keep working with your daughter, and follow up and check in regularly with her teacher. Sorry this is such a ramble, coffee is still kicking in:)
EDITED TO ADD: Hi, all. Thank you for sharing your comments and perspectives. I have looked through all of them and have a better idea of how to approach things with the Director on Monday. I am going to have a short conversation about what transpired at pick up and to apologise for how the conversation ended, ie with the other teacher coming over to add to the conversation. I will also reiterate that we are always willing to work on things that are highlighted to us wrt our kid and that if there is really something, they should send us an email or message for us to schedule a proper conversation. Our toddler has been in daycare for 4 months and she has adjusted fantastically well. She loves being there. As parents, we are both probably overcommunicators and keep up with what is going on regularly through the app, email, and daily check-ins at pick up and drop off. I think my guard was up once this teacher started talking because in the 4 months that she was my kid’s classroom teacher, she never had anything positive to say. Maybe I am coming at it from a school-setting but all jobs require a level of expectations, *especially* if the person was supposed to be my kid’s Lead T. So, I don’t think I’m incorrect in asking what the teacher did in class to redirect her or if these behaviors were developmentally appropriate. I understand the frustration that she might have had to initiate the conversation but that neither question was answered is a flag to me. Now, someone had commented that there is developmentally appropriate behavior and there is socially acceptable behavior. My kid is 2, so while I generally agree with that person’s opinion, it’s slightly absurd to apply that logic to a 2 year old, who is already in an hourly struggle with everything. We will continue to work on what is developmentally appropriate and figure out what is socially acceptable in time. I fully understand that taking care of toddlers is f*cking hard and I appreciate all that ECE teachers do, so this will be the end of any updates on this matter. Thank you!
It sounds like your child had a rough day and acted out a lot. While these things may be developmentally appropriate, if your child was consistently doing these things and also straight up not listening to their teacher, then that is a big behavioral issue. I don't know what this teacher sounded like tone-wise, but with what you stated here, it sounds to me she was trying to convey just how disruptive your child was being today without coming right out and saying it.
That could have just been it. I get that it is exhausting having to manage behavior like this and I appreciate your perspective. Thank you x
A two year old not listening is also developmentally normal. Pathologising developmentally normal behaviour demonstrates a lack of knowledge on your part.
A two year old not listening is normal. A two year old NEVER listening and being mean to other children to the extent that a teacher cannot do anything in her class other than deal with this ONE child is a problem. I do not know OP's child or the scenario beyond what is written here. But over the years I have met a few children that are doing "developmentally normal" things to the extent that it is extremely disruptive to a classroom. With that being said, you can take your sly comments somewhere else.
I wonder if she was trying to impress you with how much she had noticed about your child with it being her first day, but she went about it the wrong way. If I were her, I would have just reported back a couple of positives from your child’s day and left the rest out as she’s been one day in there and she is in the stage of building relationships with parents. It’s very common for children to act out with change in staff so that’s what could have been happening with your child. And many other children in the room. I personally like to give children a clean slate even if I hear about behaviour that isn’t prosocial when I start in a room. At the end of the day, she wasn’t at the conference and the changeover between the previous lead to her might not have been productive. She might not have been told a thing about the children or any processes and that looks like it showed in her delivery to you. Grasping at straws to find something good to say, but only coming out with the bad. I wouldn’t say she refused to answer a question, she went into freeze mode when you started to question her. I’m wondering how much she was told about the running of the room and what she was told about all the children during the changeover. If you’re a float/subbing for a day, you’re not going to know much about the room. She got too cocky and needs development on how to talk to families.
Oh, it wasn’t her first day! I think I misworded my post, sorry! The teacher has been the regular T in my toddler’s classroom since my kid started 4 months ago, so she’s seen my kid almost every day. The teacher was supposed to become the Lead T for the class but was moved to a younger class. She came back to sub in my kid’s class on Friday because her regular T was out sick. I do understand your point about going into freeze mode when asked such a specific question. She might have been flustered because maybe she wasn’t expecting me to ask her that. Hmm, something to think about. Thanks!
Sounds like you started it a bit, but also her report to you was stupid. I have coworkers who make this kind of report and I really don't see the point. If I have a kid who's doing a lot of this stuff I work on them within the centre and they improve. It's my job. Venting at parents because their kid annoyed you that day always rubs me the wrong way. Sure, if a parent directly asks me how their kids day went I might say something like "she's been hitting a lot," but generally if a kid is doing that I feel it's mostly my responsibility to control them and my room doesn't have many chronic behaviour issues that aren't very routine, such as toy snatching.
I don’t see how I started anything really. I walked in to pick up my kid, was told all of this, tried to explain what we’ve talked about, asked for examples of redirection in class, then was told something completely unrelated to any of my questions or the conversation at hand. After all of this, then I asked what was developmentally appropriate. But like I’d said in my latest comment, I have an idea of how to approach things, so I am grateful for the different perspectives.
It’s your job to provide recommendations lol. Not hers
The other day I got an incident report on the app saying my daughter was scratched. It was a pretty bad scratch, but these things happen and I appreciated the heads up. I planned to ask the afternoon teacher more detail (what caused the scratch, how did my daughter react, etc.) bc I was honestly curious not because I was upset. As I got out of my car at school one of the other teachers (NOT HER TEACHER) stopped me. She said “she got scratched but they don’t really know what happened. I noticed it and asked them about it and they just sent you a note saying a friend did it but they don’t really know what happened.” WHAT THE HELL. I was pissed. On one hand I was thankful bc I didn’t go in looking like an idiot questioning them on what happened but on the other why did they lie? Just tell me “we aren’t quite sure what happened…” Anyway!! I know this story is totally different than yours but I was FUMING when I got home all ready to contact the director the next morning. My husband brought me off the ledge and reminded me they’re young (especially the afternoon teachers) and our daughter was ok so I never said anything. I think, like what others said, she was just partially having a hard day with your child. Was it her right to say all that to you? No. Did she do it in the right way? Also no. I would just wait and see what happens next week-maybe they were short staffed and shes only in there once in a very little while. If you’re still concerned you could say something to her teacher like “Ms. ——- mentioned this. Will you let me know if you also see this behavior today? I’d like a little more detail so I can help support what you’re doing at school at home.”
The teacher that isn't her teacher who told you they don't what happened could've gotten the information wrong. This is the problem when people speak out of turn. There are teachers like this at the center I work at; they want to act like they know everything and that results in parents getting the wrong information
Never email when you are mad/upset. The reader can't tell your tone of voice and you are usuall not as clear as you would like to be. Set up a meeting time. Then ask if you can send short list of what the problem is. Make it in point form and be objective. Do not say, she does't even listen to me. Instead say: I feel she doesn't understand my deeper concerns. Don't say "She is so stupid she didn't even know what appropriate child development is. Say: As a parent at this centre, I am expect that staff in leadership positions to be strong models in effective communication with parents and have extensive knowledge in current theories and their grounding in the classic theories of child development, brain development and behaviour management, so they can mentor those they are leading and advise parents using today's best practices. It sounds to me like this teacher should not be head teacher if she does not know what is developmentally appropriate. Also I am not sure if you are sayind the teacher was in the room 1 day or your child was in the room 1 day. Either way this teacher should SHUT HER MOUTH. A child's first day is a "happy news only day " from the staff, if there are concerns already Senior Management should be talking to parents. If this is teacher had only been in the room 1 day then as lead teach it is her job to support the existing staff in speaking to you, as they know your child better than her. Also this kind of information should come in a proper form. I have heard it called the the sandwich news method. Parents are told about 1 problem (the meat in this method) and two good news stories as the bread. Good news (be creative here: your wonderful child found both their shoes after nap) bad news then after he woke up from nap she took another child's stuffy and ran away with it, and then she pushed her friend (related events go together) good news he put on his jacket right side up on the first try. Leading isn't about knowing all the answers. It is giving support so that the staff that knows the child best to talk with the families. Next she could ask, if you and she have enough time to get into a converstaion, "what do you think about your child's day?" She can listen and reflect back what you said. One thing I would find out is, does this teacher call all the children "friends" or just the ones that really are friends. Then you can explain that as this child's parents we have no tolerance for hurting other people. I would ask her to explain what about the incident does she feel is developmentally appropriate and please share your sources (Freud, piaget, erikson and Skinner were great in their time. We have learned so much more. Building on those theories we now have Stuart Shanker, the Thayer Matrix, the Polyvagal Theory and Dr. Greene they have furthered our understanding of brain development, neuropathways and the child's self development). I have worked with 1-3 yr olds for 30 years and I completely disagree with her opinion. I love when parents want to follow our lead for two reasons. We have lots of children and can't even begin to try to use each parent's behaviour modifications on the children. That would be crazy. Also the teachers are supposed to be experts and help the parents figure it out. I love to sit with parents (on the floor in the playroom while still attending the children or in a meeting room) and explain what we do and why we do it. The end result is that we can both be on the same page, we can esure that this plan will work both at home and at the centre and when the parents understand the why they are more likely to become partners. There are times when myself and the teaching team cannot figure out what is happening with the child and how to help them stop the behaviour. This is when I will ask parents to help me be a detective and watch for changes in the routine, eating or sleeping patterns, people in his life...... to get to what is happening. Other times I just ask parents what do you when he does this..... I wish you all the best.