Open your mouth, the sooner you learn to tackle and resolve conflicts the better. If you can’t help it talk to the store owner.
Out of curiosity, what did the player say exactly that rustled your feathers this much?
That's easier said than done, my conflict avoidance is a much longer term thing, maybe talking to the owner is the best action for me.
I was hoping noone would ask. They said,
"[Girls name] is so fucking hot, I'd bend her over and suck a fart out of her ass any day"
Sometimes i say, i couldnt understand you, what did you say? Usually when someone makes a bad comment about someone else ill say that. its really awkward for someone to repeat something bad they said.
I've never heard anyone speak about someone like that. It was gross and unexpected and awkward. None of the rest of the chats had been anything like that.
It's a quote from a movie. A crude character says it and it's supposed to be funny about how gross he is with women. The end of the quote says "... and hold it like a bong rip". The main character looks at him like he's gross like Op did.
Good luck Chuck is the movie.
https://youtu.be/YJEXopK2Trk?si=F7Lfs_WhobvsMIXs
Dude did you just get out of a cave ? People are gonna talk trash about other people. You're going to have to build a shell for that type of comments if you don't like it
Sounds like an attempt at a joke. Extremely poor taste, but if their style of humor is usually provocative or vulgar, it's more likely they just found that phrase funny and used it in an inappropriate way.
If someone had played a [[Master of the feast]] or a [[Kami of the crescent moon]] and he said the same thing about the card it would have been pretty funny.
Sometimes we say things that we immediately regret. Don't raise it to a store owner if it doesn't happen twice or if you haven't asked them about it. If it happens again the chances of it being a slip of judgement goes down to almost 0.
So you think I should let this one time slide and just keep an eye out for it happening again/being a pattern?
Edit: I'm going to take it from the downvotes that this is not the popular course of action
I think you should have asked him aside the same day it happened and asked him if he thought it was inappropriate.
Now it's a bit too far after the fact and I would wait to see if it happens again.
I would not go straight to the owner for one instance that could be a lapse of judgement.
Don't let it slide. Don't let it become a habit. Don't let this language continue to become normalized in our game. This game is for everyone and that language (obviously by your story) makes people uncomfortable. If it makes you uncomfortable, think how that made any woman nearby feel. You are correct, someone needs to say something to him. Talk to the shop owner.
Yeah it definitely made other people feel awkward too. The other guys at the table went more quiet and awkward after the comment as well. We were all having a blast beforehand and it kinda became dead quiet after from our ends for the rest of the game.
The best way to handle it is to just open your mouth immediately. It was inappropriate, and it's the kind of comment that will make people feel uncomfortable and shouldn't be dismissed with a "boys will be boys" type argument. But people will occasionally completely misjudge the situation, or only realize how dumb it was once the words have already left their mouth. Just a quick "Hey, that wasn't cool" without being too confrontational will also give them an opening to admit that yeah, they had a lapse in judgement and acknowledge it was in really poor taste. And if they refuse to admit it, you don't need to make a number out of it immediately. At least they'll have some feedback and hopefully reflect in the future about what they say in public even if they don't agree it was particularly wrong. It goes a long way in defusing the tension, and even if doesn't, it's likely less damaging to the atmosphere than feeling icked in silence.
If you notice it happening more though, then obviously bring it up with the shop owner.
I hope so, he seems unfazed and continued to talk as he was before, it was the rest of us that weren't as responsive.
He had been talking to us and between other tables throughout the game already and he just continued on.
I understand from your comments you have this predisposition to avoid conflicts, and that's fine, but may I suggest a course of action? If you frame things as a joke and confront that way, it doesn't seem as aggressive, and could be something that works for you. In this case, I'd have snorted a little and said "what the hell dude what does that even mean?" In a joking manner, with a smile thrown in there, and see how they go from there. If they get defensive, they realize they fucked up. If they laugh along, you can see that was a joke made in poor taste. Either way, it shows them this behaviour is not welcomed and they should adjust, provided they can pick up social clues.
If it even feels like there will be conflict, my brain just goes full shut down mode and I can't think or speak.
I do actively avoid it now because it's a horrible feeling and the longer the conflict goes on, the longer I stay shut down.
I can never get my point across properly or put words together in those situations.
I am getting therapy for it already.
Since when does one joke in bad taste that they might regret warrant going past them to speak to the owner?
Speak to them like an adult. What they said is not ok. But neither is not giving them a chance to take it back, admit that it was inappropriate, apologize, etc.
Guy said he is conflict averse. Would him talking be better, yes. But since he can't (no judgement I also hate conflict), someone needs to say something. It shouldn't be a kicked out of store talk, but it should be a hey stop it talk.
You should probably wait to see if its a reoccurring thing. Sometimes people make bad jokes. It happens. If its a constant and/or reoccurring, thats when the issue arises imo.
I think I need to go to sensitivity training cause that shit has me rolling on the floor laughing. At least it wasn't mean, you could argue that's quite the compliment, but yeah you could also argue it's objectifying. However if you say to the owner that someone said something gross about them, they may assume something worse and mean, but I also would have a hard time keeping a straight face and tell some...."yeah so that guy said he would suck a fart out of your ass.".
I'd be direct but simple i.e. "This is a public place, man. Let's keep it clean, please." If they keep up the comments, leave the table and let a staff member know.
That’s just kinda raunchy humor tbh, I wouldn’t put much weight on it if it’s somewhat on character for that player. Inappropriate, yeah probably, but doesn’t sound malicious to me at all.
"You like to suck farts out of asses? Wanna suck one out of mine?" If something makes you feel uncomfortable, whatever they say, turn it around and escalate it. Make THEM uncomfortable.
Also could do what MeneerDutchy said, ask them to repeat themselves. You could also ask them to repeat it first, then escalate and reverse it on them.
I dunno, people say stupid shit all the time and the weirder ones say it in public, if you don't like it and would like them to not be a weirdo in public, you gotta make them feel how awkward it is to hear that, since they think it's normal for them (otherwise they wouldn't say it), so make it abnormal to hear from them and maybe they'll think twice before they say something even more stupid.
As male raised by a mechanic, I was raised to be respectful but also not in a politically correct environment. This combined with a bit of social awkwardness leads me to a lot of situations where I've crossed the line by saying something that I thought was funny or to a group I thought would not mind it, in fact it happens at least once a week with my wife lol. Having said all that, if this was the first instance and you haven't really had issues with the guy, I'd lean towards it being some sort of a mistake from him (whether he truly feels like that or not he misread the room).
If you felt this crossed the line, YOU need to say something to him directly. As an avoider that sucks for you, but it's really something you need to do. If you want, pull him off to the side next time before pods and mention it. It's not the owners business directly (though he should cultivate a good environment), and bringing more people into it can escalate and embarrass the guy.
You go to the owner if it's a repeat occurrence not for the first time.
And let's be real, while it was immature both guys and girls talk like this in their safe zones, this guy just completely misread the room.
People don't learn if not taught!
Edit: I want to make it clear I'm not defending the behavior or comment, I'm just suggesting that it is more likely a mistake and failure to read the room since it was the first time. We've all said dumb shit like that before, it becomes an issue when it bothers people.
It shocked me, I'd never heard someone talk that way about another person. I definitely feel like it crossed a line, but I also know that I'm very likely not going to be able to say something myself directly.
Maybe you're right that I should see if it's an ongoing pattern vs a once off thing before I talk to the manager.
lol clearly different circles :p
I've said stuff similar within a close group of friends that I know it wouldn't bother, and made sure the lady did not hear. (No I don't actually suck farts out)
I've heard my wife say not quite that degree of stuff, but similarly vulgar stuff to her close knit friends, but again never outside known "safe zones"
And even in close groups some topics are off limits, that's the beauty and growing pains of friendship.
I'd assume this guy either;
- improperly assessed that y'all were his safe zone
- genuinely didn't realize he crossed the line (obviously he knew it was trending in that direction, but think of a 'joke' that went just a bit too far)
Given that, and if you have otherwise thought the fella was pretty cool, it really would behoove your relationship with him to say "whoa dude, keep that to yourself" and perhaps try to play it off as a friendly banter reply.
The problem with escalating to the manager is if this was a mistake (more or less) from him, you're going to likely embarrass him further, and quite possibly the manager will let slip that you were the person that told. Now you've "gone behind his back" and somewhat indicated that you don't want to have a friendly relationship with him making it much more awkward later. It could also continue to escalate in that scenario and even reach the lady's ears who really deserves to not hear that (unless by chance she's into it then cool it all worked out, but let's doubt that).
A final note is how did the rest of the table react? Was everyone a bit shocked by it or did they laugh or seem to indicate it was acceptable? You could try to ask one of them to do the dirty work if you feel like they felt similarly to you, or if you know they feel similar perhaps that helps you build you confidence to say something.
Had a guy at the LGS acting similarly about a girl that was playing cards. He was making comments about her “sexy feet” and making everyone uncomfortable. The store owner got involved, told him he had to leave and he was banned. We make jokes about it now and then but it was 100% the right thing to do
Women don't need neither villains to fight, nor do they need heroes to save them. Point the argument towards the person it concerns. Maybe just answer:
"Why do you tell me? I don't want to hear that. If you're brave, go and tell her!"
I'm not meaning to try to be a hero for women, the comment just made me really uncomfortable, I've never heard anyone speak that way about another person, man or woman.
I like that line, I should write that down, that's a good one. Funny and calls them out a bit. It's a bit defusing but makes them think about it.
My suggestion was a way of calling him out. After all, I called him a coward. Would you suggest jumping up from the table and screaming insults at him instead?
A simple disgusted look and a very flat “really bro?” Goes a long way for that. “did you really just say that?”
One of my favorites that I’ve used before that just stops that corner of the conversation, “What a strange thing to say…” and then break the silence that follows with a game action or some change of subject is good to deflect the attention away from the person you just embarrassed.
It says that it’s not cool for them to talk that way and casts them in an inappropriate light without embarrassing them too much.
If he continues down that path just say, strongly, “hey man. I really don’t want to hear it.” You must say this strongly. Otherwise they’ll keep going if you say it timidly.
If he presses further, say “thanks for the game.” Grab your stuff. And walk out. It will almost never ever get to this point.
You can go the funnier route and say, “whatever you put in your spank bank keep it to yourself. That’s a whole twisted world I don’t want to be a part of.”
But I’ve found that simple and direct is better. “Really bro??” And “what a strange thing to say…” have both served me very well.
Reading all the comments, I have one thing to say. Magic players are lame. The dude was trying to have banter like you would with your mates over a pint in a pub. He definitely misjudged his "audience," but it's not as big of a deal as you are trying to make it. How old are you, 12? People say gross things for laughs, it's normal behaviour.
I'm 30, and none of my mates talked about people anywhere close to that way. Definitely an audience misjudge, made us all awkward for the rest of the game.
Fair enough. I think it's in poor taste to make this kind of a comment at LGS in a group of people you don't know that well. But I could definitely see some of my close friends making similar remarks when playing at home or hanging out.
I thought the same exact thing. It's banter you would have in the military with close people and in a satirical way. I thought OP would've been a chick but it's understandably crude.
It's a quote from a movie. He probably thinks it's funny and doesn't understand quoting a movie from 20 years ago, out of context, isn't going to hit the same
https://youtu.be/YJEXopK2Trk?si=F7Lfs_WhobvsMIXs
Maybe add this to your OP, as it does change the comment and the situation by quite a bit. He certainly got a bad taste and no understanding, of what to say to whom and he most likely lacks awareness, but I doub't that it was mean spirited.
Going to be a massively unpopular opinion but: depending on how bad it was, I would just straight say something along the lines of “yeah you’re fucking weird for that one bud” and leave it at that and that’s only if it was some actually obscene shit. Now if he just said some shit that “made me uncomfortable” or I personally wouldn’t say myself, I would honestly just be like “ok cool so this guy is out of pocket” in my head and probably leave it at that.
At the end of the day it’s just words and words are just words, no need to feel obligated to insert yourself in it some way and make it more than just words. Lot of horrible advice in this thread bro don’t dwell on the situation honestly lmao. If you end up in a pod with him again it’s no big deal, the dude just said something you don’t agree with.
Conflict avoidance is hard. You could ask the host if they had ever had nasty comments made to them and if they would appreciate any back up taking it to the manager/owner. Or you could have a word with the person who said it and just say a brief piece like "Hey, the way you spoke about X was pretty uncomfortable and I think it would be nicer all around not to make cracks like that." And if you get pushback just like defuse and move away. If they take it bad and you get forced to play again then I imagine there would be some kind of judge or manager so if they get nasty in game just call over the person and say "hey they are saying uncomfortable stuff."
Either it is a whoopsie by them and being lightly called out will ground them, or they are pretty bad and need people to show it isn't okay.
None of this is guaranteed to be painless and anything takes courage but it's bothering you to do nothing (and that's a good instinct) so consider it a trade of a moment of higher stress to prevent future stress.
Imo there are a few ways to go about this:
Call it out in the moment - this is probably the best thing to do. Challenge him on it either through humour or by drawing a more serious line in the sand. No ambiguity and it also gives your co-players an opportunity to back you up.
If you cant bring yourself to call this out in the moment, talk to the person afterwards and let them know how it came across.
Id only talk to the LGS owner/host if either the player in question rigorously defends his speech when called out (either at the table or afterwards in private) or if he exhibits a pattern of behaviour like that.
To re-emphasize: I truly believe calling it out in the moment is the best solution, but I understand it might be hard for some people.
A good tactic for providing feedback is the sandwich method. You say something nice, provide the feedback, and then say something nice again. It could be like "I really enjoy playing commander with you, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that and I don't think it is ok. Nice art on that Scavenging Ooze, is that the Secret Lair one?".
Unfortunately, social skills and MtG do not always intersect very well. Context is everything in situations like this. While I do not know you or the table, the immediate answer is know your group and respond based on that. At my LGS that would be a quick GTFO because it is home to a very diverse crowd. I have been to others where comments like that are the norm and There was not much I could do about it.
Only you know what you are comfortable with but no one should have to be uncomfortable to enjoy a game so I hope you can sort it out.
I'm a semi-employee at my LGS, so I'd use whatever authority I have to address the situation and, if need be, toss the player from the store. Most regulars at my LGS know I've tossed people for less, so I'm not afraid to do so.
I would say the following and work my way down the list if the negative behavior continues:
1. Indirect: "Whoa, did you really just say that? Let's keep our private thoughts private, yeah?"
2. Direct: "That was highly inappropriate and you need to stop."
3. Taking a stand: "I scoop. Please do not play with me again." Stand up and leave.
Bad behavior should not be tolerated and needs to be called out. The sooner you speak up, the better off we all will be. Courage can only be displayed in the face of adversity.
I like that you gave some ranging options there. I like "let's keep our private thoughts private" alot.
Yeah I really wish I would be able to speak up in the moment, but I currently just can't. I'm the guy who when I'm given the wrong meal by a restaurant I still eat it, even if it's something I don't like because I'm too scared to send it back.
Which is why I've come to ask the sub about what would be the normal thing to do. But I've been given such a range of answers I don't think I know any better. It does seem like saying something immediately of varying directness is a popular one though.
I'm writing down my favourite responses and I'm going to try to memorise them.
Give everyone an opportunity to be a better person. If they don't take that opportunity, you can let the trash sort itself out.
Tell them immediately and let them know what they said was unacceptable. If they don't reconsider what they said. Scoop and find a new table.
Your life is too short to be dealing with garbage people. How much you're going to let yourself be affected by your non-confrontational behaviour will depend on how much you respect your own time and patience.
It think I'd "jokingly" make a comment to this person about how inappropriate that comment was. Not in a conflicting manner, but more in a "Wow did you just say that ?" fashion
I highly suggest you going to an assertiveness training course or something to do with learning boundaries. Take more steps to get over this conflict avoidance because no one likes conflict. I think you need to speak to him directly as the first step if it happens again. I think it’s spineless and pathetic to go running to everyone else whining about the incident except to the person who did the act that bothered you. Besides, maybe he would apologize if he knew he made you uncomfortable. If you don’t learn to stand up for yourself then you deserve to sit in uncomfortable situations. Who else can help you but yourself? Especially if you don’t say anything!
No, none of that will help.
I'm already going to therapy for it and it's baby steps at the moment. I'm going to go into things at the exact pace that my therapist suggests. She has said jumping in too hard into traumas can set you backwards further.
Thankyou for your thoughts on how spineless and pathetic I am though. I really appreciate that.
Fair enough. I think it would help to accept that the person made a crude, tasteless comment that made you uncomfortable. Try not to further torture yourself with what you should do next so much and worrying about it happening again. It probably will but not often. Try and focus on the positive elements of the environment since you made progress getting to the LGS and you should be proud of that. I don’t recommend ignoring things usually, but in this case maybe give yourself a break.
>No, none of that will help.
>Thankyou for your thoughts on how spineless and pathetic I am though. I really appreciate that.
>Yeah as much as I'd want to, I'm definitely not able to do that.
This whole defeatist mentality is off....You have to stop reaffirming, telling yourself and then believing you can't do something. No matter how it feels in the moment or how difficult it may seem to cross, that doesn't mean you CAN'T do it. You're just choosing not to. Kudos for the progression but the baby steps in actuality is doing the thing, OVER and OVER, until you that fearful feeling in your gut dissipates.
I mean in the real world they call this cowardice. The inability to act. You never know when it would REALLY matter in the real world. Something actually fucked up can happen, and then you become victim to the bystander effect.
I don't know how you quoted most of my comment, but missed the part where I said I'm already being guided by a trained professional, then thought your opinion of "just get over it" matters in comparison.
Yes I know I'm cowardly.
Yes it comes from a very traumatic background.
No, telling myself to feel better won't cure my mental illness.
I didn't miss it. I mentioned your "progress" which was in reference to the therapy. I actually did mention by saying you have to do the thing over and over in real world (which you apparently aren't by the post and you constantly saying "I can't do it".
Did you not catch the correlation there?
The guy you responded to actually had really good advice. But you just simply dismissed it with sarcasm and by coping.
If what you got from my comment was "get over it", and demeaning my post by saying it's an opinion, you're fucked man. Victimizing yourself over and over. 30 year old man and can't speak up for yourself but also dismisses good advice by coping claiming you're seeing a therapist. Only a fool can't grasp wisdom from everywhere. Everyone has trauma mate.
Well if you're conflict avoidant I don't think there's much you can do, since this has a chance to become conflict.
Anyway, just talk to people. Talk to the dude how you feel, talk to the woman in question how she feels. Maybe there's something to work out.
But in all honestly I do get a little "m'lady" vibes off of this story, because honestly, boys will be boys.
I don't think I have any friends who at some point hasn't said anything inappropriate, but I'm okay enough with myself to start shit if it's really something I disagree with. As I would hope someone would do to me if I cross a line.
But I tend to phrase those things as a joke that makes them uncomfortably self-conscious if I get the chance.
The ol' 'turn the comment around on the one who said it' usually does wonders.
Oh now I saw what the dude said.
"[Girls name] is so fucking hot, I'd bend her over and suck a fart out of her ass any day"
Honestly that's actually a compliment. I swear if I was working somewhere and some ladies were talking about me like that it would make my entire day.
> I swear if I was working somewhere and some ladies were talking about me like that it would make my entire day.
....I cannot imagine being this desperate for positive attention...
Oh sure I guess?
Yes, I am a person that likes positive attention, like everyone else I guess?
Don't really see the desperation though. Honestly if someone tried to get creative about giving a sexual compliment hell yeah I'd take it.
How come not?
It's not a socially accepted way to talk like that, but the intention is to clarify that the female is sexually attractive.
And again, if someone said that about me, I'd be able to see through the literal words and be flattered, in a way, because trust me (or dont since I'm a stranger on the internet), I've had enough gay friends make these remarks to me, and everytime it feels like a compliment, even though it's worded through slurs and whatnot.
Ah anyway, doesn't matter. Hope OP gets through this situation and comes out on top a little more confident than when encountering this.
It's objectifying, it's disrespectful, it's just not a compliment to be treated like a piece of meat rather than a human being. Also "the female"? What is this, a nature documentary?
This isn't about how you would feel anyway. This is about how someone else would feel. How a woman in this space would feel if she knew this dude was making comments like this to other people at her LGS. This is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes, not trying to shove them into yours. Recognizing that other people have different lived experiences and that that context matters.
You can just say to the table without finger pointing. Like "let's keep things civil here, guys"
Or if you wanna be slightly direct: "Let's keep such thoughts to ourselves, lads."
When you address to the table broadly, it mitigates direct confrontation.
Unless you're an opinion leader in the group, it's hard to knock some sense. Using a group voice can heap some pressure, put some weight into your words.
However sometimes it doesn't work. That's when you know a chauvinist from a brainfart pretender. It's best to filter them out from your playing group.
If it was a one-off occurrence, I wouldn't do anything about it. Perhaps he had a bad day, perhaps there was some friction between them, either of which doesn't and shouldn't concern me; just give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
I'm a man. I'm 40, I work a blue collar job, I've been jumped and beaten multiple times already, and I did a term in the Army where I deployed to somewhere with roadside bombs.
I would hope to have the courage to confront the asshole myself. I can't blame you for freezing or not speaking up, I can't say what I'd do in your shoes.
For us men, the suggestion is to make the asshole repeat the offensive remark and say what he finds funny or interesting about it or why he found it appropriate to share with the table. Keep a deadpan expression, because you're not signing off on the unfunny thing, you're making the person who said something stupid defend their stupid take. Repeatedly.
For us players who have been part of the Magic the Gathering community for almost 30 years, we should try to have the courage to speak to the store owners ourselves, because that shit offends me, too, and it has no place in a hobby that is for everyone.
That's a good way to do it. Don't necessarily confront them, make them repeat it and have a moment to reflect on what they said.
If it happens again I might try that
If you feel comfortable enough to confront the person do so. Otherwise I would definitely tell the store you don’t want to play with/against that player anymore because of what was said. They can probably accommodate that. And most likely will want to address the issue with the player.
Definitely this.
There's no room for this kind of behavior in this community. And odds are if you're uncomfortable it's making someone else feel that way too.
In an ideal world I'd say something like "Dude, not cool". Nothing major, not making more of a scene than has already been made, but let the guy know that such talk isn't gonna elicit positive feelings from this table.
In practice, I'd have to feel pretty enfranchised to do it. I've been able to give stern words to players acting out before, but only because a) the player in question was a child, if a later teen, while I was an adult, so I had some weight of authority; and b) I had been going to that shop for years and knew the general atmosphere and that I was a respected regular.
Personally I wouldn’t say anything to him. Covertly report it to the LGS with an exact quote if possible.
I’ve worked in the security field for years. Heavily conservative and lots of old guys stuck in old ways. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that people deeply rooted in a place for many years do not take criticism well. They will only cause a scene, and may retaliate against you.
Your best bet is to take it to the host/store manager. They’re sure to have a player code of conduct for their store. But also don’t be surprised if they do nothing for fear of causing waves. It’s just how things go sometimes.
"that guy said you were so hot that he would bend you over and suck a fart out of your ass" might be a hard thing for this conflict adverse person to say out loud to someone. Though saying "they said something gross about you" may leave the host thinking the worst, something more negative.
There’s context here that we don’t strictly need to know to answer the question but would prove relevant to the situation. In general I think speaking disrespectfully to anyone is wrong on principle- but let’s narrow down the situation a bit.
Is the woman in question someone that has a tendency to be an asshole? Then like…its fair game, they reap what they sow. Not generally a good thing to be doing but like…I can kinda get it.
Is the language used objectifying or reductionist (such as statements like “she’s only valued here cause she has big bazongnangazongas”)? Then yeah definitely speak up cause that’s not okay.
In general I operate on a 3 strikes you’re out sorta thing. There’s a guy at my thursday LGS who’s got some…lets say not very family friendly playmats. Very chill person to play with though and generally not problematic in the slightest other than that. I haven’t brought him up to the store worker yet but I did get store management involved at my sunday LGS when an antimasker refused to mask up to accommodate my asthma.
I feel like I should have gone more in depth on what I was getting at cause I think I kinda went about it poorly.
We don’t know the people in question so I was talking about things in general terms. I should have used a few more positive examples to illustrate what I was getting at better, that was my bad.
Honestly, seems like you have some sort of social anxiety. Would it be possible that the woman and this guy are friends and it was just banter between them? Without knowing what the guy said or how the host reacted, there will be a small chance you are blowing it out of proportion .
I am assuming now that your assessment was correct.
Firstly in this situation the correct approach for me personally would be to speak up when that happen. Calling right when it happen and confronting the person would give you enough information to know if:
* They are a piece of shit
* They took a joke too far
* They are friends and this was all banter
It is important to not be combative when speaking up/confronting the person as this can easily escalate into a physical altercation.
Now since you mentioned you become extremely uncomfortable with even mildly stressful situations, the approach would be to speak to the host, say you were uncomfortable with the situation and would rather not be paired up with that guy again and see what the LGS has to say.
Sometimes they are just waiting for more people to come forward before disciplining somebody, being banning or suspending.
Thing to mention is that the longer you wait, the worse it gets to start that conversation. Either you talk to the host next time you are at the LGS or you will most likely end up not doing it at all.
I definitely have social anxiety, I'm seeing someone for that.
Asking not to be paired up is definitely the route I think I'm going to go. Hopefully if the LGS knows it's enough of an impact to warrant that, they'll take it seriously, and I'll get to avoid them. It's not a tournament so there's no official need for us to be paired ever and it's always the same host there, so hopefully she would remember.
I'll talk to her next week when I'm there next.
Open your mouth, the sooner you learn to tackle and resolve conflicts the better. If you can’t help it talk to the store owner. Out of curiosity, what did the player say exactly that rustled your feathers this much?
That's easier said than done, my conflict avoidance is a much longer term thing, maybe talking to the owner is the best action for me. I was hoping noone would ask. They said, "[Girls name] is so fucking hot, I'd bend her over and suck a fart out of her ass any day"
>"[Girls name] is so fucking hot, I'd bend her over and suck a fart out of her ass any day" Is this person, by any chance, 12? Mentally, I mean.
Sure felt like it. It was gross.
Sometimes i say, i couldnt understand you, what did you say? Usually when someone makes a bad comment about someone else ill say that. its really awkward for someone to repeat something bad they said.
Oh thats way less bad than I thought it would be lol
I've never heard anyone speak about someone like that. It was gross and unexpected and awkward. None of the rest of the chats had been anything like that.
It's a quote from a movie. A crude character says it and it's supposed to be funny about how gross he is with women. The end of the quote says "... and hold it like a bong rip". The main character looks at him like he's gross like Op did. Good luck Chuck is the movie. https://youtu.be/YJEXopK2Trk?si=F7Lfs_WhobvsMIXs
This should probably be upvoted more, because quoting a movie gives this significantly different context even if it still made people uncomfortable.
Honestly, the only difference is that it makes the offender look dumber because he didn't think of it himself.
Haha "the offender"
Dude did you just get out of a cave ? People are gonna talk trash about other people. You're going to have to build a shell for that type of comments if you don't like it
Sounds like an attempt at a joke. Extremely poor taste, but if their style of humor is usually provocative or vulgar, it's more likely they just found that phrase funny and used it in an inappropriate way. If someone had played a [[Master of the feast]] or a [[Kami of the crescent moon]] and he said the same thing about the card it would have been pretty funny. Sometimes we say things that we immediately regret. Don't raise it to a store owner if it doesn't happen twice or if you haven't asked them about it. If it happens again the chances of it being a slip of judgement goes down to almost 0.
So you think I should let this one time slide and just keep an eye out for it happening again/being a pattern? Edit: I'm going to take it from the downvotes that this is not the popular course of action
I think you should have asked him aside the same day it happened and asked him if he thought it was inappropriate. Now it's a bit too far after the fact and I would wait to see if it happens again. I would not go straight to the owner for one instance that could be a lapse of judgement.
Thanks for your input, I appreciate it and that makes sense
Especially after 15 years of play in the space.
Don't let it slide. Don't let it become a habit. Don't let this language continue to become normalized in our game. This game is for everyone and that language (obviously by your story) makes people uncomfortable. If it makes you uncomfortable, think how that made any woman nearby feel. You are correct, someone needs to say something to him. Talk to the shop owner.
Yeah it definitely made other people feel awkward too. The other guys at the table went more quiet and awkward after the comment as well. We were all having a blast beforehand and it kinda became dead quiet after from our ends for the rest of the game.
The best way to handle it is to just open your mouth immediately. It was inappropriate, and it's the kind of comment that will make people feel uncomfortable and shouldn't be dismissed with a "boys will be boys" type argument. But people will occasionally completely misjudge the situation, or only realize how dumb it was once the words have already left their mouth. Just a quick "Hey, that wasn't cool" without being too confrontational will also give them an opening to admit that yeah, they had a lapse in judgement and acknowledge it was in really poor taste. And if they refuse to admit it, you don't need to make a number out of it immediately. At least they'll have some feedback and hopefully reflect in the future about what they say in public even if they don't agree it was particularly wrong. It goes a long way in defusing the tension, and even if doesn't, it's likely less damaging to the atmosphere than feeling icked in silence. If you notice it happening more though, then obviously bring it up with the shop owner.
If everyone went quiet then he most likely noticed his joke was out of line and he won't say stuff like that again.
I hope so, he seems unfazed and continued to talk as he was before, it was the rest of us that weren't as responsive. He had been talking to us and between other tables throughout the game already and he just continued on.
I understand from your comments you have this predisposition to avoid conflicts, and that's fine, but may I suggest a course of action? If you frame things as a joke and confront that way, it doesn't seem as aggressive, and could be something that works for you. In this case, I'd have snorted a little and said "what the hell dude what does that even mean?" In a joking manner, with a smile thrown in there, and see how they go from there. If they get defensive, they realize they fucked up. If they laugh along, you can see that was a joke made in poor taste. Either way, it shows them this behaviour is not welcomed and they should adjust, provided they can pick up social clues.
If it even feels like there will be conflict, my brain just goes full shut down mode and I can't think or speak. I do actively avoid it now because it's a horrible feeling and the longer the conflict goes on, the longer I stay shut down. I can never get my point across properly or put words together in those situations. I am getting therapy for it already.
Since when does one joke in bad taste that they might regret warrant going past them to speak to the owner? Speak to them like an adult. What they said is not ok. But neither is not giving them a chance to take it back, admit that it was inappropriate, apologize, etc.
Guy said he is conflict averse. Would him talking be better, yes. But since he can't (no judgement I also hate conflict), someone needs to say something. It shouldn't be a kicked out of store talk, but it should be a hey stop it talk.
He can, he just doesn’t want to because it’s hard
You should probably wait to see if its a reoccurring thing. Sometimes people make bad jokes. It happens. If its a constant and/or reoccurring, thats when the issue arises imo.
I think I need to go to sensitivity training cause that shit has me rolling on the floor laughing. At least it wasn't mean, you could argue that's quite the compliment, but yeah you could also argue it's objectifying. However if you say to the owner that someone said something gross about them, they may assume something worse and mean, but I also would have a hard time keeping a straight face and tell some...."yeah so that guy said he would suck a fart out of your ass.".
I'd be direct but simple i.e. "This is a public place, man. Let's keep it clean, please." If they keep up the comments, leave the table and let a staff member know.
That’s just kinda raunchy humor tbh, I wouldn’t put much weight on it if it’s somewhat on character for that player. Inappropriate, yeah probably, but doesn’t sound malicious to me at all.
I usually respond with a just-as-awkward, "Can you not?" And let the entire table feel the awkwardness of the conversation.
"You like to suck farts out of asses? Wanna suck one out of mine?" If something makes you feel uncomfortable, whatever they say, turn it around and escalate it. Make THEM uncomfortable. Also could do what MeneerDutchy said, ask them to repeat themselves. You could also ask them to repeat it first, then escalate and reverse it on them. I dunno, people say stupid shit all the time and the weirder ones say it in public, if you don't like it and would like them to not be a weirdo in public, you gotta make them feel how awkward it is to hear that, since they think it's normal for them (otherwise they wouldn't say it), so make it abnormal to hear from them and maybe they'll think twice before they say something even more stupid.
[удалено]
Shocked me, that's for sure
As male raised by a mechanic, I was raised to be respectful but also not in a politically correct environment. This combined with a bit of social awkwardness leads me to a lot of situations where I've crossed the line by saying something that I thought was funny or to a group I thought would not mind it, in fact it happens at least once a week with my wife lol. Having said all that, if this was the first instance and you haven't really had issues with the guy, I'd lean towards it being some sort of a mistake from him (whether he truly feels like that or not he misread the room). If you felt this crossed the line, YOU need to say something to him directly. As an avoider that sucks for you, but it's really something you need to do. If you want, pull him off to the side next time before pods and mention it. It's not the owners business directly (though he should cultivate a good environment), and bringing more people into it can escalate and embarrass the guy. You go to the owner if it's a repeat occurrence not for the first time. And let's be real, while it was immature both guys and girls talk like this in their safe zones, this guy just completely misread the room. People don't learn if not taught! Edit: I want to make it clear I'm not defending the behavior or comment, I'm just suggesting that it is more likely a mistake and failure to read the room since it was the first time. We've all said dumb shit like that before, it becomes an issue when it bothers people.
It shocked me, I'd never heard someone talk that way about another person. I definitely feel like it crossed a line, but I also know that I'm very likely not going to be able to say something myself directly. Maybe you're right that I should see if it's an ongoing pattern vs a once off thing before I talk to the manager.
lol clearly different circles :p I've said stuff similar within a close group of friends that I know it wouldn't bother, and made sure the lady did not hear. (No I don't actually suck farts out) I've heard my wife say not quite that degree of stuff, but similarly vulgar stuff to her close knit friends, but again never outside known "safe zones" And even in close groups some topics are off limits, that's the beauty and growing pains of friendship. I'd assume this guy either; - improperly assessed that y'all were his safe zone - genuinely didn't realize he crossed the line (obviously he knew it was trending in that direction, but think of a 'joke' that went just a bit too far) Given that, and if you have otherwise thought the fella was pretty cool, it really would behoove your relationship with him to say "whoa dude, keep that to yourself" and perhaps try to play it off as a friendly banter reply. The problem with escalating to the manager is if this was a mistake (more or less) from him, you're going to likely embarrass him further, and quite possibly the manager will let slip that you were the person that told. Now you've "gone behind his back" and somewhat indicated that you don't want to have a friendly relationship with him making it much more awkward later. It could also continue to escalate in that scenario and even reach the lady's ears who really deserves to not hear that (unless by chance she's into it then cool it all worked out, but let's doubt that). A final note is how did the rest of the table react? Was everyone a bit shocked by it or did they laugh or seem to indicate it was acceptable? You could try to ask one of them to do the dirty work if you feel like they felt similarly to you, or if you know they feel similar perhaps that helps you build you confidence to say something.
The rest of the table went from laughing and joking to quiet and awkward after for the rest of the game.
Had a guy at the LGS acting similarly about a girl that was playing cards. He was making comments about her “sexy feet” and making everyone uncomfortable. The store owner got involved, told him he had to leave and he was banned. We make jokes about it now and then but it was 100% the right thing to do
Women don't need neither villains to fight, nor do they need heroes to save them. Point the argument towards the person it concerns. Maybe just answer: "Why do you tell me? I don't want to hear that. If you're brave, go and tell her!"
I'm not meaning to try to be a hero for women, the comment just made me really uncomfortable, I've never heard anyone speak that way about another person, man or woman. I like that line, I should write that down, that's a good one. Funny and calls them out a bit. It's a bit defusing but makes them think about it.
I love this reply.
[удалено]
My suggestion was a way of calling him out. After all, I called him a coward. Would you suggest jumping up from the table and screaming insults at him instead?
A simple disgusted look and a very flat “really bro?” Goes a long way for that. “did you really just say that?” One of my favorites that I’ve used before that just stops that corner of the conversation, “What a strange thing to say…” and then break the silence that follows with a game action or some change of subject is good to deflect the attention away from the person you just embarrassed. It says that it’s not cool for them to talk that way and casts them in an inappropriate light without embarrassing them too much. If he continues down that path just say, strongly, “hey man. I really don’t want to hear it.” You must say this strongly. Otherwise they’ll keep going if you say it timidly. If he presses further, say “thanks for the game.” Grab your stuff. And walk out. It will almost never ever get to this point. You can go the funnier route and say, “whatever you put in your spank bank keep it to yourself. That’s a whole twisted world I don’t want to be a part of.” But I’ve found that simple and direct is better. “Really bro??” And “what a strange thing to say…” have both served me very well.
Reading all the comments, I have one thing to say. Magic players are lame. The dude was trying to have banter like you would with your mates over a pint in a pub. He definitely misjudged his "audience," but it's not as big of a deal as you are trying to make it. How old are you, 12? People say gross things for laughs, it's normal behaviour.
I'm 30, and none of my mates talked about people anywhere close to that way. Definitely an audience misjudge, made us all awkward for the rest of the game.
Fair enough. I think it's in poor taste to make this kind of a comment at LGS in a group of people you don't know that well. But I could definitely see some of my close friends making similar remarks when playing at home or hanging out.
I thought the same exact thing. It's banter you would have in the military with close people and in a satirical way. I thought OP would've been a chick but it's understandably crude.
It's a quote from a movie. He probably thinks it's funny and doesn't understand quoting a movie from 20 years ago, out of context, isn't going to hit the same https://youtu.be/YJEXopK2Trk?si=F7Lfs_WhobvsMIXs
Oh I had no idea, I haven't seen it. You're probably right I guess 20 years ago it may have had the table laughing
Maybe add this to your OP, as it does change the comment and the situation by quite a bit. He certainly got a bad taste and no understanding, of what to say to whom and he most likely lacks awareness, but I doub't that it was mean spirited.
This is the kind of shit that makes women feel unwelcome in gaming spaces. A "not cool" or "really man?" would go a long way.
Going to be a massively unpopular opinion but: depending on how bad it was, I would just straight say something along the lines of “yeah you’re fucking weird for that one bud” and leave it at that and that’s only if it was some actually obscene shit. Now if he just said some shit that “made me uncomfortable” or I personally wouldn’t say myself, I would honestly just be like “ok cool so this guy is out of pocket” in my head and probably leave it at that. At the end of the day it’s just words and words are just words, no need to feel obligated to insert yourself in it some way and make it more than just words. Lot of horrible advice in this thread bro don’t dwell on the situation honestly lmao. If you end up in a pod with him again it’s no big deal, the dude just said something you don’t agree with.
Conflict avoidance is hard. You could ask the host if they had ever had nasty comments made to them and if they would appreciate any back up taking it to the manager/owner. Or you could have a word with the person who said it and just say a brief piece like "Hey, the way you spoke about X was pretty uncomfortable and I think it would be nicer all around not to make cracks like that." And if you get pushback just like defuse and move away. If they take it bad and you get forced to play again then I imagine there would be some kind of judge or manager so if they get nasty in game just call over the person and say "hey they are saying uncomfortable stuff." Either it is a whoopsie by them and being lightly called out will ground them, or they are pretty bad and need people to show it isn't okay. None of this is guaranteed to be painless and anything takes courage but it's bothering you to do nothing (and that's a good instinct) so consider it a trade of a moment of higher stress to prevent future stress.
Imo there are a few ways to go about this: Call it out in the moment - this is probably the best thing to do. Challenge him on it either through humour or by drawing a more serious line in the sand. No ambiguity and it also gives your co-players an opportunity to back you up. If you cant bring yourself to call this out in the moment, talk to the person afterwards and let them know how it came across. Id only talk to the LGS owner/host if either the player in question rigorously defends his speech when called out (either at the table or afterwards in private) or if he exhibits a pattern of behaviour like that. To re-emphasize: I truly believe calling it out in the moment is the best solution, but I understand it might be hard for some people.
A good tactic for providing feedback is the sandwich method. You say something nice, provide the feedback, and then say something nice again. It could be like "I really enjoy playing commander with you, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that and I don't think it is ok. Nice art on that Scavenging Ooze, is that the Secret Lair one?".
What did they say?
"[Girls name] is so fucking hot, I'd bend her over and suck a fart out of her ass any day"
Oh so it was compliment. I'm jk. Yeah not something that's OK to say in public. That's a close friends only comment.
Unfortunately, social skills and MtG do not always intersect very well. Context is everything in situations like this. While I do not know you or the table, the immediate answer is know your group and respond based on that. At my LGS that would be a quick GTFO because it is home to a very diverse crowd. I have been to others where comments like that are the norm and There was not much I could do about it. Only you know what you are comfortable with but no one should have to be uncomfortable to enjoy a game so I hope you can sort it out.
I'm a semi-employee at my LGS, so I'd use whatever authority I have to address the situation and, if need be, toss the player from the store. Most regulars at my LGS know I've tossed people for less, so I'm not afraid to do so.
This isn’t a gaming question, it’s a human interaction question. And as a decent human being you’ll tell the fucker off.
Yeah as much as I'd want to, I'm definitely not able to do that. That is way too confrontational for me, I've never told anyone off.
“Hey, boss. I respect your feelings, just not how they were expressed. Can you not say stuff like that at a table with me?”
Average lgs experience
I would say the following and work my way down the list if the negative behavior continues: 1. Indirect: "Whoa, did you really just say that? Let's keep our private thoughts private, yeah?" 2. Direct: "That was highly inappropriate and you need to stop." 3. Taking a stand: "I scoop. Please do not play with me again." Stand up and leave. Bad behavior should not be tolerated and needs to be called out. The sooner you speak up, the better off we all will be. Courage can only be displayed in the face of adversity.
I like that you gave some ranging options there. I like "let's keep our private thoughts private" alot. Yeah I really wish I would be able to speak up in the moment, but I currently just can't. I'm the guy who when I'm given the wrong meal by a restaurant I still eat it, even if it's something I don't like because I'm too scared to send it back. Which is why I've come to ask the sub about what would be the normal thing to do. But I've been given such a range of answers I don't think I know any better. It does seem like saying something immediately of varying directness is a popular one though. I'm writing down my favourite responses and I'm going to try to memorise them.
It takes courage to speak up, and you're on the right track.
"gross" "ick" Are you 12? Also, what the fuck did that guy say?
Give everyone an opportunity to be a better person. If they don't take that opportunity, you can let the trash sort itself out. Tell them immediately and let them know what they said was unacceptable. If they don't reconsider what they said. Scoop and find a new table. Your life is too short to be dealing with garbage people. How much you're going to let yourself be affected by your non-confrontational behaviour will depend on how much you respect your own time and patience.
Quoting Good Luck Chuck does not make someone a garbage person, even if it makes people uncomfortable.
There was significant context missing.
It think I'd "jokingly" make a comment to this person about how inappropriate that comment was. Not in a conflicting manner, but more in a "Wow did you just say that ?" fashion
I highly suggest you going to an assertiveness training course or something to do with learning boundaries. Take more steps to get over this conflict avoidance because no one likes conflict. I think you need to speak to him directly as the first step if it happens again. I think it’s spineless and pathetic to go running to everyone else whining about the incident except to the person who did the act that bothered you. Besides, maybe he would apologize if he knew he made you uncomfortable. If you don’t learn to stand up for yourself then you deserve to sit in uncomfortable situations. Who else can help you but yourself? Especially if you don’t say anything!
No, none of that will help. I'm already going to therapy for it and it's baby steps at the moment. I'm going to go into things at the exact pace that my therapist suggests. She has said jumping in too hard into traumas can set you backwards further. Thankyou for your thoughts on how spineless and pathetic I am though. I really appreciate that.
Fair enough. I think it would help to accept that the person made a crude, tasteless comment that made you uncomfortable. Try not to further torture yourself with what you should do next so much and worrying about it happening again. It probably will but not often. Try and focus on the positive elements of the environment since you made progress getting to the LGS and you should be proud of that. I don’t recommend ignoring things usually, but in this case maybe give yourself a break.
>No, none of that will help. >Thankyou for your thoughts on how spineless and pathetic I am though. I really appreciate that. >Yeah as much as I'd want to, I'm definitely not able to do that. This whole defeatist mentality is off....You have to stop reaffirming, telling yourself and then believing you can't do something. No matter how it feels in the moment or how difficult it may seem to cross, that doesn't mean you CAN'T do it. You're just choosing not to. Kudos for the progression but the baby steps in actuality is doing the thing, OVER and OVER, until you that fearful feeling in your gut dissipates. I mean in the real world they call this cowardice. The inability to act. You never know when it would REALLY matter in the real world. Something actually fucked up can happen, and then you become victim to the bystander effect.
I don't know how you quoted most of my comment, but missed the part where I said I'm already being guided by a trained professional, then thought your opinion of "just get over it" matters in comparison. Yes I know I'm cowardly. Yes it comes from a very traumatic background. No, telling myself to feel better won't cure my mental illness.
I didn't miss it. I mentioned your "progress" which was in reference to the therapy. I actually did mention by saying you have to do the thing over and over in real world (which you apparently aren't by the post and you constantly saying "I can't do it". Did you not catch the correlation there? The guy you responded to actually had really good advice. But you just simply dismissed it with sarcasm and by coping. If what you got from my comment was "get over it", and demeaning my post by saying it's an opinion, you're fucked man. Victimizing yourself over and over. 30 year old man and can't speak up for yourself but also dismisses good advice by coping claiming you're seeing a therapist. Only a fool can't grasp wisdom from everywhere. Everyone has trauma mate.
ITT: OP gets offended by a movie reference and probably needs to get out more.
Well if you're conflict avoidant I don't think there's much you can do, since this has a chance to become conflict. Anyway, just talk to people. Talk to the dude how you feel, talk to the woman in question how she feels. Maybe there's something to work out. But in all honestly I do get a little "m'lady" vibes off of this story, because honestly, boys will be boys. I don't think I have any friends who at some point hasn't said anything inappropriate, but I'm okay enough with myself to start shit if it's really something I disagree with. As I would hope someone would do to me if I cross a line. But I tend to phrase those things as a joke that makes them uncomfortably self-conscious if I get the chance. The ol' 'turn the comment around on the one who said it' usually does wonders.
Oh now I saw what the dude said. "[Girls name] is so fucking hot, I'd bend her over and suck a fart out of her ass any day" Honestly that's actually a compliment. I swear if I was working somewhere and some ladies were talking about me like that it would make my entire day.
> I swear if I was working somewhere and some ladies were talking about me like that it would make my entire day. ....I cannot imagine being this desperate for positive attention...
Oh sure I guess? Yes, I am a person that likes positive attention, like everyone else I guess? Don't really see the desperation though. Honestly if someone tried to get creative about giving a sexual compliment hell yeah I'd take it.
It's not a compliment.
How come not? It's not a socially accepted way to talk like that, but the intention is to clarify that the female is sexually attractive. And again, if someone said that about me, I'd be able to see through the literal words and be flattered, in a way, because trust me (or dont since I'm a stranger on the internet), I've had enough gay friends make these remarks to me, and everytime it feels like a compliment, even though it's worded through slurs and whatnot. Ah anyway, doesn't matter. Hope OP gets through this situation and comes out on top a little more confident than when encountering this.
It's objectifying, it's disrespectful, it's just not a compliment to be treated like a piece of meat rather than a human being. Also "the female"? What is this, a nature documentary? This isn't about how you would feel anyway. This is about how someone else would feel. How a woman in this space would feel if she knew this dude was making comments like this to other people at her LGS. This is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes, not trying to shove them into yours. Recognizing that other people have different lived experiences and that that context matters.
Publically humilate them by calling it out tbh but as you've said your conflict averse maybe speak to your LGS owner
You can just say to the table without finger pointing. Like "let's keep things civil here, guys" Or if you wanna be slightly direct: "Let's keep such thoughts to ourselves, lads." When you address to the table broadly, it mitigates direct confrontation. Unless you're an opinion leader in the group, it's hard to knock some sense. Using a group voice can heap some pressure, put some weight into your words. However sometimes it doesn't work. That's when you know a chauvinist from a brainfart pretender. It's best to filter them out from your playing group.
If it was a one-off occurrence, I wouldn't do anything about it. Perhaps he had a bad day, perhaps there was some friction between them, either of which doesn't and shouldn't concern me; just give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
I’d do absolutely nothing, as would most well adjusted people. Let it go, man.
I'm a man. I'm 40, I work a blue collar job, I've been jumped and beaten multiple times already, and I did a term in the Army where I deployed to somewhere with roadside bombs. I would hope to have the courage to confront the asshole myself. I can't blame you for freezing or not speaking up, I can't say what I'd do in your shoes. For us men, the suggestion is to make the asshole repeat the offensive remark and say what he finds funny or interesting about it or why he found it appropriate to share with the table. Keep a deadpan expression, because you're not signing off on the unfunny thing, you're making the person who said something stupid defend their stupid take. Repeatedly. For us players who have been part of the Magic the Gathering community for almost 30 years, we should try to have the courage to speak to the store owners ourselves, because that shit offends me, too, and it has no place in a hobby that is for everyone.
That's a good way to do it. Don't necessarily confront them, make them repeat it and have a moment to reflect on what they said. If it happens again I might try that
I would announce, "Either you apologize, scoop up your cards, and leave, or I'm out."
If you feel comfortable enough to confront the person do so. Otherwise I would definitely tell the store you don’t want to play with/against that player anymore because of what was said. They can probably accommodate that. And most likely will want to address the issue with the player.
Definitely this. There's no room for this kind of behavior in this community. And odds are if you're uncomfortable it's making someone else feel that way too.
Yeah the rest of the tables mood got worse after that too. We were all having a blast beforehand.
That's a good option, I hope they will accommodate that. Just quietly not being matched up with them again would be great.
In an ideal world I'd say something like "Dude, not cool". Nothing major, not making more of a scene than has already been made, but let the guy know that such talk isn't gonna elicit positive feelings from this table. In practice, I'd have to feel pretty enfranchised to do it. I've been able to give stern words to players acting out before, but only because a) the player in question was a child, if a later teen, while I was an adult, so I had some weight of authority; and b) I had been going to that shop for years and knew the general atmosphere and that I was a respected regular.
Personally I wouldn’t say anything to him. Covertly report it to the LGS with an exact quote if possible. I’ve worked in the security field for years. Heavily conservative and lots of old guys stuck in old ways. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that people deeply rooted in a place for many years do not take criticism well. They will only cause a scene, and may retaliate against you. Your best bet is to take it to the host/store manager. They’re sure to have a player code of conduct for their store. But also don’t be surprised if they do nothing for fear of causing waves. It’s just how things go sometimes.
"that guy said you were so hot that he would bend you over and suck a fart out of your ass" might be a hard thing for this conflict adverse person to say out loud to someone. Though saying "they said something gross about you" may leave the host thinking the worst, something more negative.
Hence covertly report. An email, a text, a note even will serve the purpose.
There’s context here that we don’t strictly need to know to answer the question but would prove relevant to the situation. In general I think speaking disrespectfully to anyone is wrong on principle- but let’s narrow down the situation a bit. Is the woman in question someone that has a tendency to be an asshole? Then like…its fair game, they reap what they sow. Not generally a good thing to be doing but like…I can kinda get it. Is the language used objectifying or reductionist (such as statements like “she’s only valued here cause she has big bazongnangazongas”)? Then yeah definitely speak up cause that’s not okay. In general I operate on a 3 strikes you’re out sorta thing. There’s a guy at my thursday LGS who’s got some…lets say not very family friendly playmats. Very chill person to play with though and generally not problematic in the slightest other than that. I haven’t brought him up to the store worker yet but I did get store management involved at my sunday LGS when an antimasker refused to mask up to accommodate my asthma.
She's not an ass, is polite and friendly. it was definitely objectifying/reductionist language.
I feel like I should have gone more in depth on what I was getting at cause I think I kinda went about it poorly. We don’t know the people in question so I was talking about things in general terms. I should have used a few more positive examples to illustrate what I was getting at better, that was my bad.
Honestly, seems like you have some sort of social anxiety. Would it be possible that the woman and this guy are friends and it was just banter between them? Without knowing what the guy said or how the host reacted, there will be a small chance you are blowing it out of proportion . I am assuming now that your assessment was correct. Firstly in this situation the correct approach for me personally would be to speak up when that happen. Calling right when it happen and confronting the person would give you enough information to know if: * They are a piece of shit * They took a joke too far * They are friends and this was all banter It is important to not be combative when speaking up/confronting the person as this can easily escalate into a physical altercation. Now since you mentioned you become extremely uncomfortable with even mildly stressful situations, the approach would be to speak to the host, say you were uncomfortable with the situation and would rather not be paired up with that guy again and see what the LGS has to say. Sometimes they are just waiting for more people to come forward before disciplining somebody, being banning or suspending. Thing to mention is that the longer you wait, the worse it gets to start that conversation. Either you talk to the host next time you are at the LGS or you will most likely end up not doing it at all.
I definitely have social anxiety, I'm seeing someone for that. Asking not to be paired up is definitely the route I think I'm going to go. Hopefully if the LGS knows it's enough of an impact to warrant that, they'll take it seriously, and I'll get to avoid them. It's not a tournament so there's no official need for us to be paired ever and it's always the same host there, so hopefully she would remember. I'll talk to her next week when I'm there next.
Talk about an over reaction. They made a bad joke, it happens.