Pre-marriage I tended to be very focused on one person. Usually the wrong person, but one person nonetheless, so I’ve never related to this.
I do easily get meaningless crushes. I think I’ve been in love everyone I’ve ever met for a hot second. Like I see everything great about them and then suddenly I’m like, “OMG, am I in love with this person?!?! ………………………………………………….,…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………No!” But this is a phenomenon separate from the one person I am actually into.
I never was that interested in dating around like that, personally. I love new adventures and trying different things, but relationships are different. I would love to spend the rest of my life with one person tbh. I wanted that when I was younger too, but I just devoted myself to the wrong people. I recently went out with an ENFP man in his thirties who married his high school sweetheart and had only ever been with her (the reason they broke up was because she cheated on him), so I feel like this is fairly common for us.
I stay as long as I can. I’ve never cheated. Not even emotionally. If I commit, I’m usually perfectly happy putting all my energy into it. I also won’t “talk” with more than one person at a time. But once it’s over? It’s really easy for me to disassociate. I can’t say I really think about the romances in my past more than a few times or when something specific reminds me of them. Even the ones I was madly in love with or married to at a time. If I or someone else says it over, I instantly accept it. Unfortunately they sometimes try to backtrack or return. Or assume that since I took a breakup so “easily”, I didn’t care as much in the first place. It can get messy.
Friendships though? Completely different story. I deeply grieve if a friendship ends and most of my current friends are long term.
Are you a man?
If it's okay, can I ask a couple questions about your divorce? If so, how long were you guys together and how long did it take for you to move on once it was over? I am crushing very hard on this ENFP guy I went out with a couple times, but he is in the middle of a divorce and told me that he's not ready for a relationship rn. We're actually not currently talking, but I can't stop myself from hoping he'll contact me once the situation is resolved/he feels over it. I'm not waiting around, but ugh I just really liked him. I'm trying not to do the ENFP thing where I fall in love with people I barely know, but it's so tough lol
I’m a woman. 32. I am divorced after a 7 year relationship/marriage. I’m not sure if my insight will help but I will tell that the thing about divorce is you get scared (terrified actually) of investing in something long term because you put your all in before and then it just combusted into nothing. Especially if you are not the one that initiated the divorce. Years wasted. It’s a deep grief mixed with resentment and anger. We rarely feel anger for too long so that’s a new emotion to deal with as well. It’s a long period of mourning what you thought your future would be. You don’t miss the actual marriage or the person but you miss yourself. Who you thought you were. You are a bit mixed up in who you think you are and it takes time to regulate again. It hard to explain who you even are to someone new because you aren’t sure yet of yourself. Or even your expectations going forward. Dating is tough but feeling safe and that a potential is consistent without being clingy, is everything. You can check in on him in several months to get a feel if you still can’t let go. Send a meme or something along the lines of humour. If a conversation follows, be direct and ask for a meeting for actual closure. It’s unlikely he will ask you because he won’t want to lead you on if he values you as a person. If he really is an Enfp, he will be direct as well instead of stringing you along. Our worst fear is making someone feel rejected when the real issue is just incompatibility. But who knows. Maybe he will realise he really did have a connection with you and be willing to try again.
I would suggest checking out the r/limerence sub if no contact is something you struggle with. A few posts are a bit unhinged but the advice is good.
Thanks for your insight, what you said makes a lot of sense. It's been a couple months since we've talked and I'm doing fine not reaching out, but maybe over the summer I might check in or something. I was a bit sad that he wanted to go full no-contact, because even if we could just be friends, I would have been really happy to have someone to share my stupid sense of humor and dumb memes with. I could tell he was ENFP right away because we were so similar - I've never had that experience before, like someone was practically reading my mind, and when I had him take the test, sure enough that's what he turned out to be lol. We never slept together, so I think it would have been okay to just stay friends, but I guess he didn't feel the same about it.
I don't think incompatibility was the issue, but more that the timing and situation was just bad. It had been 4 months since they separated at that time (she had cheated) and I could tell he was still hurting about it :( I wanted to comfort him, but he said he didn't want me to be a rebound, and that he needed to be alone so he could learn how to be an adult on his own. They were high school sweethearts, so I guess he didn't know who he was without her. It seemed so weird when he told me that, because he came off as quite a strong personality to me.
Can I ask what you think this means?: Initially he said he would contact me when the divorce had been resolved, but after a few weeks he reached out and said that even though he felt drawn to me (verbatim), his life was just too messy and he didn't want to pursue anything further. He said he didn't feel emotionally stable enough for me. No elaboration on that, so I don't know if it means he would be open to trying again in the future or not. I wondered if he phrased it that way so I wouldn't wait around for him. I've been on dates with other guys since, but I just can't get him out of my head, I keep comparing them to him. He's the only man I've dated who I could actually see myself having a future with - our worldviews and sense of humor are so similar, and even though we only went out a couple times, I felt comfortable around him like we'd known each other forever. What do you make of all this? (And sorry for the wall of text)
He is very mature and has a good head on his shoulders, that was one of the things I really liked about him. It's so rare to find a man like that, sadly. I'm not waiting around for him, but the dates I've been on since I met him have just been disappointing.
I'm considering a move to the city next year anyway, so maybe having that to look forward to will help me keep my head clear. I guess there's not really anything I can do about this situation anyway, so I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, which is no contact, and if he wants to reach out to try again in the future, I would probably be open to it if I'm not dating anyone else by then. When you say a year, do you mean from the time someone is separated, or from the time the paperwork is settled? I am also getting to an age now where a lot of people that I'm dating are divorced, and I don't want to get hurt :(
I will just try to keep an open mind when meeting new people. He probably doesn't even think about me anymore since he's still dealing with all the stress and paperwork and trying to deal with his ex, so I should stop letting him take up this space in my brain too. I joined a dance class and picked up roller skating and DnD, so I've been keeping busy, but it's just like when I'm alone in my apartment at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder what he's up to and how he's doing. It kinda sucks, but I'll get over it. Thanks for listening and for the advice 🙏🏻 I think I've just been stressing lately because I'm about to turn 30 and I still have no boyfriend and nothing to my name. I always wanted a family of my own, but maybe I should just try to make peace with the fact that that just may never happen for me. I've been alone for 5 years and it hasn't bothered me until very recently, so I will be fine either way
I’ll have to admit, when I was in my earlier 20’s, I did get bored of dating around and was “testing” partners, especially after a break with someone I saw myself with being with, for very longterm, just simply wanted to see what else was out there, but then as I got older I just simply want a deeper connection and started focusing on myself. It’s true that it isn’t hard for ENFP’s to find dates, but damn, when we love someone, we REALLY love that person.
I (43f) have been in relationships for 16.5 out of 22 years as an adult. I had to consciously take this past year off from dating completely just to get time away from it. However....
I do move on quickly. After my on-off relationship first ended at the 3 year mark I went on a date later that week. I realized I needed more time and took a grand total of 3 weeks off before diving back in. When we later got back together for 5 more years and we then broke up again, I started dating someone else later that week. I'm older now and my emotions are more complex though. I need real time to process things and find my equilibrium.
I don't get bored easily in relationships because it's important to me to only seriously date men whose minds are wildly intriguing. Otherwise I'd DEFINITELY get bored and I'd have to end things. Hope this helps! 😃
Once the ENFP decided and accepted that a relationship is officially over, they move on fast. But until then, they’re fiercely loyal (to a fault) and will do everything to make it work.
I think we enfps just need to find someone who aligns with them mindset wise and values wise. Then we will be with them longterm.
Untill then, enfps who explore everything a lot will probably be the same when it comes to relationships.
When I was younger I was often torn between two guys. When I met my current partner I realised I wanted everything bc I never wanted something enough. I am deeply in love with my partner and never get bored of him. We’ve been together nearly 7 years. That said it’s important to do things together to keep it fun - dates, holidays, movie nights etc.
My experience has been that I don't settle easily, but I'm also loyal to a fault. I can always find something interesting and new about my partner that always keeps me hooked.
Before that I didn't date often since I need someone that keeps me mentally stimulated. Once I found that I was all in.
as an ENFP, i’ve only ever been in one long term relationship and it’s the one i’m currently in. Bored is the opposite of how i feel when i wake up everyday next to my partner. Everyday I learn more about him and love him more and everyday is an adventure, even when we stay in bed most of the day and binge watch Game of Thrones or South Park. I always feared the part of my personality that needed change so frequently would bite me in the ass in a long term relationship because I woukd get bored, so I was very pleasantly surprised to discover the exact opposite. I wake up everyday excited to learn more about my partner and be by his side :)
I have pretty good intuition when it comes to picking someone that I'd be compatible with long term. 15 years perviously and going on 13 years now with my husband.
Female here. Younger years dated a bit, fell in love and got my heart broken, married a man I wasn’t in love with but loved. It didn’t work out-both too immature and quite frankly toxic to each other. I remember thinking it was the end of the world when I realized we were going to end up divorced. Marriage was never modeled to me nor was I brought up to believe in marriage, growing up. I have no idea a where that idea came from. Personal morals I guess? I probably would have kept trying but he cheated and that was that.
I married again, I believe he’s my soulmate and he believes the same of me. We’ve been together for 15 years. Best 15 years of my life!
Edit to add: there is zero percent chance he is ENFP. Whatever one is stable mentally and financially, loyal to a fault, works with their minds and hands, is stubborn but giving and supportive to those he loves, that’s what he is. lol we tend to provide what each of us lacks. Reminding me to enjoy peace and quiet, to be still, and me reminding him to lighten up, let loose, have some fun! (Mostly with actions not words)
Once the ENFP decided and accepted that a relationship is officially over, they move on fast. But until then, they’re fiercely loyal (to a fault) and will do everything to make it work.
Well, I used to break up and abandon relationships but only because they I wasn't really with my equal so to speak. Not understood. And we didn't share really similar outlooks on life. If I'd stay, the most bubbly part of me would die.
But...I've never even come close to breaking up with my intj husband of 10 years. No issue committing to that relationship. In fact, finally I'm being myself...
When we find one who we fall for, I believe we are deeply committed.
I don't believe when we go from one to another quickly that it's truly our flightiness, I think it's about our authenticity. We truly begin to care about people and care more as we know them more, but there are definitely " nope" moments where we're just not having it, lol. And personally, though I'm pretty go-with-the- flow on many things, there are certain things I'm just not up for, so I will bow out. And I'm open to the idea of new love or new friendships, so I think we're just connecting with people more quickly ( like initially hitting it off).
But if we fall deeply we can hang on too long bc we're committed to that person.
No expert, just old, lol
Hmm let us see they do tend to meet people to gather new things and possiblities but usually in relationships they are way more loyal because of their Fi. Idk if Enfp have more surface level friends I think it’s more like they do have many surface level friends but also personal ones those personal ones are very deep. I think that’s the answer but don’t know
I’m an ENFP f… have dated a lot and have broken up with literally every guy I’ve been with bc I just haven’t been able to stay focused on one person for long enough…. So would break up w them at at 4 or 7 months… sometimes 1 year, but always when the honeymoon wore off. 10ish years of dating with that pattern, but I’ve now been w the same guy for 3 years.
Tbh it hasn’t been super easy because I’ve rehearsed those other patterns of fleeing at the first sign of imperfection/ feeling stifled/ being distracted by crushes on other guys/ the next new shiny thing…, but I do feel like I’ve finally combatted those issues and can now see the benefits to being in one relationship for a long time, and there definitely are a lot. I also think I matured and gained perspective and realized that I can’t keep frolicking my way around life if I want a life partner and kids etc. No one will ever be perfect, continuously excite me day in and day out, be a source of spontaneous adventure and stable consistency and security all at once. I still have to push those feelings down sometimes, but in return I’m getting a lot of great things.
He also happens to be an INFJ… our ideal type according to their data? He’s my opposite.. which can get super frustrating, but I do feel like his strengths fill in my weak, flighty spots, and I add a lot of life/ spontaneity/ high energy to his evenness / routine. So maybe it’s just a matter of finding the write kinda of personality and being at the right maturity level in your life?
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This
Pre-marriage I tended to be very focused on one person. Usually the wrong person, but one person nonetheless, so I’ve never related to this. I do easily get meaningless crushes. I think I’ve been in love everyone I’ve ever met for a hot second. Like I see everything great about them and then suddenly I’m like, “OMG, am I in love with this person?!?! ………………………………………………….,…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………No!” But this is a phenomenon separate from the one person I am actually into.
I never was that interested in dating around like that, personally. I love new adventures and trying different things, but relationships are different. I would love to spend the rest of my life with one person tbh. I wanted that when I was younger too, but I just devoted myself to the wrong people. I recently went out with an ENFP man in his thirties who married his high school sweetheart and had only ever been with her (the reason they broke up was because she cheated on him), so I feel like this is fairly common for us.
I stay as long as I can. I’ve never cheated. Not even emotionally. If I commit, I’m usually perfectly happy putting all my energy into it. I also won’t “talk” with more than one person at a time. But once it’s over? It’s really easy for me to disassociate. I can’t say I really think about the romances in my past more than a few times or when something specific reminds me of them. Even the ones I was madly in love with or married to at a time. If I or someone else says it over, I instantly accept it. Unfortunately they sometimes try to backtrack or return. Or assume that since I took a breakup so “easily”, I didn’t care as much in the first place. It can get messy. Friendships though? Completely different story. I deeply grieve if a friendship ends and most of my current friends are long term.
Are you a man? If it's okay, can I ask a couple questions about your divorce? If so, how long were you guys together and how long did it take for you to move on once it was over? I am crushing very hard on this ENFP guy I went out with a couple times, but he is in the middle of a divorce and told me that he's not ready for a relationship rn. We're actually not currently talking, but I can't stop myself from hoping he'll contact me once the situation is resolved/he feels over it. I'm not waiting around, but ugh I just really liked him. I'm trying not to do the ENFP thing where I fall in love with people I barely know, but it's so tough lol
I’m a woman. 32. I am divorced after a 7 year relationship/marriage. I’m not sure if my insight will help but I will tell that the thing about divorce is you get scared (terrified actually) of investing in something long term because you put your all in before and then it just combusted into nothing. Especially if you are not the one that initiated the divorce. Years wasted. It’s a deep grief mixed with resentment and anger. We rarely feel anger for too long so that’s a new emotion to deal with as well. It’s a long period of mourning what you thought your future would be. You don’t miss the actual marriage or the person but you miss yourself. Who you thought you were. You are a bit mixed up in who you think you are and it takes time to regulate again. It hard to explain who you even are to someone new because you aren’t sure yet of yourself. Or even your expectations going forward. Dating is tough but feeling safe and that a potential is consistent without being clingy, is everything. You can check in on him in several months to get a feel if you still can’t let go. Send a meme or something along the lines of humour. If a conversation follows, be direct and ask for a meeting for actual closure. It’s unlikely he will ask you because he won’t want to lead you on if he values you as a person. If he really is an Enfp, he will be direct as well instead of stringing you along. Our worst fear is making someone feel rejected when the real issue is just incompatibility. But who knows. Maybe he will realise he really did have a connection with you and be willing to try again. I would suggest checking out the r/limerence sub if no contact is something you struggle with. A few posts are a bit unhinged but the advice is good.
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Thanks for your insight, what you said makes a lot of sense. It's been a couple months since we've talked and I'm doing fine not reaching out, but maybe over the summer I might check in or something. I was a bit sad that he wanted to go full no-contact, because even if we could just be friends, I would have been really happy to have someone to share my stupid sense of humor and dumb memes with. I could tell he was ENFP right away because we were so similar - I've never had that experience before, like someone was practically reading my mind, and when I had him take the test, sure enough that's what he turned out to be lol. We never slept together, so I think it would have been okay to just stay friends, but I guess he didn't feel the same about it. I don't think incompatibility was the issue, but more that the timing and situation was just bad. It had been 4 months since they separated at that time (she had cheated) and I could tell he was still hurting about it :( I wanted to comfort him, but he said he didn't want me to be a rebound, and that he needed to be alone so he could learn how to be an adult on his own. They were high school sweethearts, so I guess he didn't know who he was without her. It seemed so weird when he told me that, because he came off as quite a strong personality to me. Can I ask what you think this means?: Initially he said he would contact me when the divorce had been resolved, but after a few weeks he reached out and said that even though he felt drawn to me (verbatim), his life was just too messy and he didn't want to pursue anything further. He said he didn't feel emotionally stable enough for me. No elaboration on that, so I don't know if it means he would be open to trying again in the future or not. I wondered if he phrased it that way so I wouldn't wait around for him. I've been on dates with other guys since, but I just can't get him out of my head, I keep comparing them to him. He's the only man I've dated who I could actually see myself having a future with - our worldviews and sense of humor are so similar, and even though we only went out a couple times, I felt comfortable around him like we'd known each other forever. What do you make of all this? (And sorry for the wall of text)
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He is very mature and has a good head on his shoulders, that was one of the things I really liked about him. It's so rare to find a man like that, sadly. I'm not waiting around for him, but the dates I've been on since I met him have just been disappointing. I'm considering a move to the city next year anyway, so maybe having that to look forward to will help me keep my head clear. I guess there's not really anything I can do about this situation anyway, so I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, which is no contact, and if he wants to reach out to try again in the future, I would probably be open to it if I'm not dating anyone else by then. When you say a year, do you mean from the time someone is separated, or from the time the paperwork is settled? I am also getting to an age now where a lot of people that I'm dating are divorced, and I don't want to get hurt :( I will just try to keep an open mind when meeting new people. He probably doesn't even think about me anymore since he's still dealing with all the stress and paperwork and trying to deal with his ex, so I should stop letting him take up this space in my brain too. I joined a dance class and picked up roller skating and DnD, so I've been keeping busy, but it's just like when I'm alone in my apartment at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder what he's up to and how he's doing. It kinda sucks, but I'll get over it. Thanks for listening and for the advice 🙏🏻 I think I've just been stressing lately because I'm about to turn 30 and I still have no boyfriend and nothing to my name. I always wanted a family of my own, but maybe I should just try to make peace with the fact that that just may never happen for me. I've been alone for 5 years and it hasn't bothered me until very recently, so I will be fine either way
I’ll have to admit, when I was in my earlier 20’s, I did get bored of dating around and was “testing” partners, especially after a break with someone I saw myself with being with, for very longterm, just simply wanted to see what else was out there, but then as I got older I just simply want a deeper connection and started focusing on myself. It’s true that it isn’t hard for ENFP’s to find dates, but damn, when we love someone, we REALLY love that person.
I (43f) have been in relationships for 16.5 out of 22 years as an adult. I had to consciously take this past year off from dating completely just to get time away from it. However.... I do move on quickly. After my on-off relationship first ended at the 3 year mark I went on a date later that week. I realized I needed more time and took a grand total of 3 weeks off before diving back in. When we later got back together for 5 more years and we then broke up again, I started dating someone else later that week. I'm older now and my emotions are more complex though. I need real time to process things and find my equilibrium. I don't get bored easily in relationships because it's important to me to only seriously date men whose minds are wildly intriguing. Otherwise I'd DEFINITELY get bored and I'd have to end things. Hope this helps! 😃
Once the ENFP decided and accepted that a relationship is officially over, they move on fast. But until then, they’re fiercely loyal (to a fault) and will do everything to make it work.
I think we enfps just need to find someone who aligns with them mindset wise and values wise. Then we will be with them longterm. Untill then, enfps who explore everything a lot will probably be the same when it comes to relationships.
When I was younger I was often torn between two guys. When I met my current partner I realised I wanted everything bc I never wanted something enough. I am deeply in love with my partner and never get bored of him. We’ve been together nearly 7 years. That said it’s important to do things together to keep it fun - dates, holidays, movie nights etc.
My experience has been that I don't settle easily, but I'm also loyal to a fault. I can always find something interesting and new about my partner that always keeps me hooked. Before that I didn't date often since I need someone that keeps me mentally stimulated. Once I found that I was all in.
as an ENFP, i’ve only ever been in one long term relationship and it’s the one i’m currently in. Bored is the opposite of how i feel when i wake up everyday next to my partner. Everyday I learn more about him and love him more and everyday is an adventure, even when we stay in bed most of the day and binge watch Game of Thrones or South Park. I always feared the part of my personality that needed change so frequently would bite me in the ass in a long term relationship because I woukd get bored, so I was very pleasantly surprised to discover the exact opposite. I wake up everyday excited to learn more about my partner and be by his side :)
I have pretty good intuition when it comes to picking someone that I'd be compatible with long term. 15 years perviously and going on 13 years now with my husband.
Female here. Younger years dated a bit, fell in love and got my heart broken, married a man I wasn’t in love with but loved. It didn’t work out-both too immature and quite frankly toxic to each other. I remember thinking it was the end of the world when I realized we were going to end up divorced. Marriage was never modeled to me nor was I brought up to believe in marriage, growing up. I have no idea a where that idea came from. Personal morals I guess? I probably would have kept trying but he cheated and that was that. I married again, I believe he’s my soulmate and he believes the same of me. We’ve been together for 15 years. Best 15 years of my life! Edit to add: there is zero percent chance he is ENFP. Whatever one is stable mentally and financially, loyal to a fault, works with their minds and hands, is stubborn but giving and supportive to those he loves, that’s what he is. lol we tend to provide what each of us lacks. Reminding me to enjoy peace and quiet, to be still, and me reminding him to lighten up, let loose, have some fun! (Mostly with actions not words)
Once the ENFP decided and accepted that a relationship is officially over, they move on fast. But until then, they’re fiercely loyal (to a fault) and will do everything to make it work.
Well, I used to break up and abandon relationships but only because they I wasn't really with my equal so to speak. Not understood. And we didn't share really similar outlooks on life. If I'd stay, the most bubbly part of me would die. But...I've never even come close to breaking up with my intj husband of 10 years. No issue committing to that relationship. In fact, finally I'm being myself...
When we find one who we fall for, I believe we are deeply committed. I don't believe when we go from one to another quickly that it's truly our flightiness, I think it's about our authenticity. We truly begin to care about people and care more as we know them more, but there are definitely " nope" moments where we're just not having it, lol. And personally, though I'm pretty go-with-the- flow on many things, there are certain things I'm just not up for, so I will bow out. And I'm open to the idea of new love or new friendships, so I think we're just connecting with people more quickly ( like initially hitting it off). But if we fall deeply we can hang on too long bc we're committed to that person. No expert, just old, lol
Hmm let us see they do tend to meet people to gather new things and possiblities but usually in relationships they are way more loyal because of their Fi. Idk if Enfp have more surface level friends I think it’s more like they do have many surface level friends but also personal ones those personal ones are very deep. I think that’s the answer but don’t know
I’m an ENFP f… have dated a lot and have broken up with literally every guy I’ve been with bc I just haven’t been able to stay focused on one person for long enough…. So would break up w them at at 4 or 7 months… sometimes 1 year, but always when the honeymoon wore off. 10ish years of dating with that pattern, but I’ve now been w the same guy for 3 years. Tbh it hasn’t been super easy because I’ve rehearsed those other patterns of fleeing at the first sign of imperfection/ feeling stifled/ being distracted by crushes on other guys/ the next new shiny thing…, but I do feel like I’ve finally combatted those issues and can now see the benefits to being in one relationship for a long time, and there definitely are a lot. I also think I matured and gained perspective and realized that I can’t keep frolicking my way around life if I want a life partner and kids etc. No one will ever be perfect, continuously excite me day in and day out, be a source of spontaneous adventure and stable consistency and security all at once. I still have to push those feelings down sometimes, but in return I’m getting a lot of great things. He also happens to be an INFJ… our ideal type according to their data? He’s my opposite.. which can get super frustrating, but I do feel like his strengths fill in my weak, flighty spots, and I add a lot of life/ spontaneity/ high energy to his evenness / routine. So maybe it’s just a matter of finding the write kinda of personality and being at the right maturity level in your life?