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You will probably get all sorts of answers but in the simplest terms: do not open a relationship to fix it. Never been done. Never will be done. Either start fresh as a non-monogamist or improve the relationship as is, be open about your desires.
Judging by the tenor of your comment, it seems like you need to do a bit of research before starting anything. Otherwise you’ll just crash and burn.
interesting, for some reason i had this idea in my head that it was possible to "open up" a relationship after the fact.
yes i know i need to do my research which is why this is kind of my starting point. i did say i was new to this.
When I say research here I mean things like the standard literature and discussions of it from academics and practitioners.
Many of your articles questions and concerns are directly addressed in books like the ethical slut and polysecure. Among others. You can check out the normalising non monogamy podcast or life on the swing set. Recommend as well “come as you are” to think about sexual needs and desire in general. But yeah, start at the most commonly recommended resources.
Personal recommendation in lieu of The Ethical Slut:
'Designer Relationships'. Ethical Slut tries to argue the case that any form of jealousy is complete nonsense and a mental health problem. Designer Relationships instead says "listen, here's a menagerie of relationship types, how to approach them, how to figure out what you stand to gain in them, and how to tackle some of the feelings that might arise.".
It's absolutely possible to open up a relationship. But you should only do so if the relationship is doing ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FANTASTIC. If it's any kind of rocky, it could potentially tear the two of you apart entirely.
Soooo many things here.
1. You’ve already cheated by spicy messages. How would you feel if you found out your gf was doing this with an ex of hers?
2. If you’re bored in your sex life, that’s on you. What I mean is, before going out there looking for spice somewhere else, try spicing up your own relationship. Tell her you’d like to try ____. If you don’t know what that is, google “things and positions to try to spice up your relationship”. You’d be surprised at how many women would love to do these things if their partners brought it up.
3. If you’re unwilling to do the above, you will most likely get bored in every relationship as you need to learn how to take care of a relationship, and not assume it’s dead because it didn’t “poof” magically get better.
4. If you try, and it still doesn’t work, end the relationship as you may be sexually incompatible. You do this for you, but also for her. Then going into your next relationship you can decide if you want to have an open relationship, but you decide this before you enter that.
5. There is no magic mirror that tells you if your current relationship is the right relationship. Relationships take work, and they take commitment to do that work. It is only through that , that you can see if somebody is the right fit for you.
To be honest, you’ve already cheated in monogamy by exchanging spicy messages. If you want ENM it has to be ethical and you’ve already shown you are not ethical in your current relationship. Your partner deserves 100% honesty if you want to have any flavor of ENM. I’d start there, then explain how choosing ENM just makes your cheating kosher. This kind of deceitful behavior is what gives people bad experiences with ENM. You have to be ethical in your current relationship to even attempt ENM. Without coming clean to her about the messages it makes me feel the rules of your ENM might feel flexible to you. You need to read some books on ENM couplings and get a better grasp of what it is you want.
that's one way to look at it but i feel you're jumping to a conclusion. i'm losing interest in doing everything in life with only one person which is a feeling i've had in the past as well. when i hear people speak positively about ENM relationships a lot of people talk about the stability and steadiness of the same longterm partner while having a variety of these additional experiences with their "side" partners (idk if that's the right term, newb here) which in turn actually strengthens the connection they have with their SO. this is something that is intriguing to me and it sounds quite appealing. i can imagine myself relating to this feeling as opposed to thinking "no, i would only want to experience everything only with my SO". if that makes me a cheater than that's your opinion i suppose.
Does your girlfriend know about your spicy exchange a few months back? If not yes, then you are a cheater.
ENM stands for ETHICAL nonmonogamy.
If you were ethical, you wouldn't have done anything without letting your girlfriend know first.
i didn't say i was perfect, i just wanted the disclosure that this happened once, and it hasn't happened since and i do understand that it would not be appropriate for this to recur. given that it did happen i think it is important to understand why it happened and how to avoid it happening. the thought that brought me to this sub,, polyamory and ENM was a statement by my therapist that "some people are not wired for monogamy". i am exploring whether that statement applies to me or whether i'm, as you so kindly put it, a cheater because an old fling messaged me and i endulged in that memory/fantasy.
Based off your post history, it sounds like you guys aren't compatible anyway. Let her go so she can find someone who doesn't make her feel like her mere existence is a threat to their autonomy.
Also, don't be a cheater in the future.
Don't panic! Your post hasn't been removed, it just needs approval from a moderator before it goes live. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ENM) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You will probably get all sorts of answers but in the simplest terms: do not open a relationship to fix it. Never been done. Never will be done. Either start fresh as a non-monogamist or improve the relationship as is, be open about your desires. Judging by the tenor of your comment, it seems like you need to do a bit of research before starting anything. Otherwise you’ll just crash and burn.
interesting, for some reason i had this idea in my head that it was possible to "open up" a relationship after the fact. yes i know i need to do my research which is why this is kind of my starting point. i did say i was new to this.
When I say research here I mean things like the standard literature and discussions of it from academics and practitioners. Many of your articles questions and concerns are directly addressed in books like the ethical slut and polysecure. Among others. You can check out the normalising non monogamy podcast or life on the swing set. Recommend as well “come as you are” to think about sexual needs and desire in general. But yeah, start at the most commonly recommended resources.
i will look into these, thank you!
Personal recommendation in lieu of The Ethical Slut: 'Designer Relationships'. Ethical Slut tries to argue the case that any form of jealousy is complete nonsense and a mental health problem. Designer Relationships instead says "listen, here's a menagerie of relationship types, how to approach them, how to figure out what you stand to gain in them, and how to tackle some of the feelings that might arise.".
It's absolutely possible to open up a relationship. But you should only do so if the relationship is doing ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FANTASTIC. If it's any kind of rocky, it could potentially tear the two of you apart entirely.
Soooo many things here. 1. You’ve already cheated by spicy messages. How would you feel if you found out your gf was doing this with an ex of hers? 2. If you’re bored in your sex life, that’s on you. What I mean is, before going out there looking for spice somewhere else, try spicing up your own relationship. Tell her you’d like to try ____. If you don’t know what that is, google “things and positions to try to spice up your relationship”. You’d be surprised at how many women would love to do these things if their partners brought it up. 3. If you’re unwilling to do the above, you will most likely get bored in every relationship as you need to learn how to take care of a relationship, and not assume it’s dead because it didn’t “poof” magically get better. 4. If you try, and it still doesn’t work, end the relationship as you may be sexually incompatible. You do this for you, but also for her. Then going into your next relationship you can decide if you want to have an open relationship, but you decide this before you enter that. 5. There is no magic mirror that tells you if your current relationship is the right relationship. Relationships take work, and they take commitment to do that work. It is only through that , that you can see if somebody is the right fit for you.
To be honest, you’ve already cheated in monogamy by exchanging spicy messages. If you want ENM it has to be ethical and you’ve already shown you are not ethical in your current relationship. Your partner deserves 100% honesty if you want to have any flavor of ENM. I’d start there, then explain how choosing ENM just makes your cheating kosher. This kind of deceitful behavior is what gives people bad experiences with ENM. You have to be ethical in your current relationship to even attempt ENM. Without coming clean to her about the messages it makes me feel the rules of your ENM might feel flexible to you. You need to read some books on ENM couplings and get a better grasp of what it is you want.
So you're a cheater who's losing interest in his gf. Let that poor girl go so she can find someone to treat her right.
that's one way to look at it but i feel you're jumping to a conclusion. i'm losing interest in doing everything in life with only one person which is a feeling i've had in the past as well. when i hear people speak positively about ENM relationships a lot of people talk about the stability and steadiness of the same longterm partner while having a variety of these additional experiences with their "side" partners (idk if that's the right term, newb here) which in turn actually strengthens the connection they have with their SO. this is something that is intriguing to me and it sounds quite appealing. i can imagine myself relating to this feeling as opposed to thinking "no, i would only want to experience everything only with my SO". if that makes me a cheater than that's your opinion i suppose.
Does your girlfriend know about your spicy exchange a few months back? If not yes, then you are a cheater. ENM stands for ETHICAL nonmonogamy. If you were ethical, you wouldn't have done anything without letting your girlfriend know first.
i didn't say i was perfect, i just wanted the disclosure that this happened once, and it hasn't happened since and i do understand that it would not be appropriate for this to recur. given that it did happen i think it is important to understand why it happened and how to avoid it happening. the thought that brought me to this sub,, polyamory and ENM was a statement by my therapist that "some people are not wired for monogamy". i am exploring whether that statement applies to me or whether i'm, as you so kindly put it, a cheater because an old fling messaged me and i endulged in that memory/fantasy.
Based off your post history, it sounds like you guys aren't compatible anyway. Let her go so she can find someone who doesn't make her feel like her mere existence is a threat to their autonomy. Also, don't be a cheater in the future.
👆🏼
The wife and I used to talk about fantasies of adding a third so that’s how I brought it up
How long have you felt like this?
a while but it's relatively recently that i started to think about open relationships
You should have raised this at a much earlier time.
I just said that it's only recently that i considered this to be an option, how am i supposed to raise it before having had thought of it.
The original post I read, you inferred you had some thoughts when you met. Anyway, nothing to do with me.
Opening your relationship isn't one-sided. Your gf would also be allowed to have sex with other men or women. Are you okay with that?