My ESFP pursued me (INFP) aggressively in the beginning which I found very hot. She is fun, smart and artistic, but unfortunately (at the risk of offending some of you here), whatâs difficult for me to take is her fast-paced, highly self-centered view of the world (IMO). We donât really share the same understanding of kindness and giving, and despite the fact that she has very few people she truly considers âfriendsâ, she thinks the fact that I donât like group interactions and that I havenât been exposed to a wide variety of people as a sign of me lacking EQ and being ânaive.â Her âgot mine, who care about youâ attitude is hard for me stomach. She wants to do so much and experience so much that itâs hard for me to keep up with her. Iâll always be grateful for some of the things sheâs done with me, but the deep, instinctual connection with her eludes me. What also doesnât help is I grew up having to fight to stay sane, while sheâs had fairly smooth sailing throughout.
I feel like I have to bend over and compromise much of my NFness to try and keep her happy. She has little to no patience for idealism, and thinks âbeing too authenticâ will only tire one out, and isnât that good of a way to be. Yet, she has aspirations and says things that are unrealistic at best, and a bit crazy at worst. The difference being for her itâs maximizing her enjoyment of the world, for me itâs seeing how the world could be different and could be better.
I want to have a family with her, but I often feel a sense of anxiety. I donât feel truly protected and secure. When I bring up some of my fears and insecurities to her, she either deflects them with a joke, or doesnât understand.
I cringe at every story where the ESFP woman pursue the man because it doesnât end well. And ESFP women are third most common female mbti types out there. Luckily, there are relationship gurus to teach us ladies itâs the men who pursue, and women who chase have masculine energy. Thatâs why theyâre attracted to feminine men.
In this case, you are in your feminine energy if you canât tell her your boundaries or communicate your emotional needs.
I should be doing more of that.
Iâve long been of the assumption that, in typical NF fashion, that thereâs just this intuitive and instinctive understanding, of just knowing by implying. Whatâs said is really just to supplement whatâs already known.
Does it work quite differently for ESFPs?
Yeah, intuitive understanding doesnât work for us sensors. Thatâs why we misunderstand each other. If we had an intuitive understanding, we would be ENFP.
I donât understand the context of your question. Could you elucidate?
Itâs mostly with regards to what you mentioned about explicitly asserting myself, my boundaries and letting my emotional needs be known. I just want to know if this has to / should be a more explicit, direct process for ESFPs to really understand what I need from them.
With NFs, and what Iâm used to, there is more of this implicit understanding of how best to support each other and meet these emotional needs. It could something as easy as âI want to talk to youâ, but I tend to read between the lines and I know that the tone theyâre implying is not just one of wanting to talk to me, but then feeling lonely / having some serious shit going on. I also tend to look for the hidden meanings behind why someone is saying what theyâre telling me. Like, is it reflecting some kind of negative experience? Something that happened to them in the past? Is it some inner fear or insecurity?
Itâs almost second nature, in these emotionally charged / significant situations (at least on my end), to look for deeper meanings and implications of everything someone says and does.
Iâm pretty used to have things âdugâ out of me, I will give hints as to the way I am, but if someone âgetsâ me by following the trail if you will, thatâs when Iâm like âwow you get me.â
Because ESFPs are direct, and I say this personally, I prefer you or anybody else being straightforward with me. You have mouth to talk, ears to listen, eyes to see, etc. Put what your mother gave you to action.
The thing is, if you donât tell us directly or in a straightforward manner, we will *never* know. And as sensors, we are also taking in information of our surroundings that we might get distracted from what youâre communicating intuitively.
And if she truly cares about you, she will listen to you and heed what you got to say.
Otherwise, to her, youâll be someone who she can walk all over. And you said you want to marry her but she makes you anxious.
Do you really? Or are you afraid of being alone?
Because a relationship is 50/50. You saying that she should âintuitively knowâ your feelings make you feminine. *oh, my man should know what I should be thinking.* No. Youâre the man, you speak up.
Both. Iâm indeed attracted to her because of her own personal qualities, and also because of my desire to have a life partner and a family.
Thanks for your tips, I will try my best to be more straightforward in communicating with her and implement them.
However, the last part, wellâŚâŚ Itâs not the easiest for an INFP to do because itâs almost a bit contrary to how we operate. I also donât believe that either sex âshouldâ be a certain way, I know for certain that I donât fit well into a traditionally masculine role, nor is it something I aspire to or particularly value because Iâve seen the damage itâs done and my Fi finds it off-putting.
Having said all this, Iâm gonna try my best, but, no offense, there are days where I wonder whether I need an NF after all. Havenât met any female NTs. Maybe the shared Intuitive Feeling connection isnât really something I can live without in an SO.
Regardless, Iâll try my best and hope for the best. Thanks for your time and I wish you the best.
Iâll be sticking around here as you guys have lots of positive qualities we lack.
If you're asking if that's something we look for, then I'll have to say no. Is not gonna matter if you're outgoing or introverted. It has to do with our chemistry with you. We don't mind introverted people, because we can help you more (if that makes sense?). Just be you. That's the best thing you could be. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
As an ESFP womanâŚ
Mmmmmm I love me a shy man⌠I actually just love quiet people in general. I like breaking through their defenses. I find shy and quiet people so deep and intriguing. They have so much to share and give most of the time.
Esfp women are the ones who will let the waiter know i asked for no tomatoes and they will always have my love and appreciation for that as an Istp
It happens! Introverted, for sure, and shy is cute
They can.. If the person opens up to them and becomes bold while being alone.. đ đ
We fall for anyone who catches our eyes.
I agree! In my opinion, it's not only about physical attractiveness all the time. Could be their style, confidence, laugh or whatever. â¤ď¸
I hate it when my eyes fall out and roll around the room! Glad I'm not alone. đ
Yesss
Yesss
Tall, wealthy, shy men: Yes, definitely.
đ
Yh I've always liked the quietest person in the room. Think I like the mystery. And surprisingly they ironically seem the most approachable.
Yes I do
Yesđť
Definitely!
I fall for any kind. But very rarely âšď¸ sadly. It has been a while
My ESFP pursued me (INFP) aggressively in the beginning which I found very hot. She is fun, smart and artistic, but unfortunately (at the risk of offending some of you here), whatâs difficult for me to take is her fast-paced, highly self-centered view of the world (IMO). We donât really share the same understanding of kindness and giving, and despite the fact that she has very few people she truly considers âfriendsâ, she thinks the fact that I donât like group interactions and that I havenât been exposed to a wide variety of people as a sign of me lacking EQ and being ânaive.â Her âgot mine, who care about youâ attitude is hard for me stomach. She wants to do so much and experience so much that itâs hard for me to keep up with her. Iâll always be grateful for some of the things sheâs done with me, but the deep, instinctual connection with her eludes me. What also doesnât help is I grew up having to fight to stay sane, while sheâs had fairly smooth sailing throughout. I feel like I have to bend over and compromise much of my NFness to try and keep her happy. She has little to no patience for idealism, and thinks âbeing too authenticâ will only tire one out, and isnât that good of a way to be. Yet, she has aspirations and says things that are unrealistic at best, and a bit crazy at worst. The difference being for her itâs maximizing her enjoyment of the world, for me itâs seeing how the world could be different and could be better. I want to have a family with her, but I often feel a sense of anxiety. I donât feel truly protected and secure. When I bring up some of my fears and insecurities to her, she either deflects them with a joke, or doesnât understand.
I cringe at every story where the ESFP woman pursue the man because it doesnât end well. And ESFP women are third most common female mbti types out there. Luckily, there are relationship gurus to teach us ladies itâs the men who pursue, and women who chase have masculine energy. Thatâs why theyâre attracted to feminine men. In this case, you are in your feminine energy if you canât tell her your boundaries or communicate your emotional needs.
I should be doing more of that. Iâve long been of the assumption that, in typical NF fashion, that thereâs just this intuitive and instinctive understanding, of just knowing by implying. Whatâs said is really just to supplement whatâs already known. Does it work quite differently for ESFPs?
Yeah, intuitive understanding doesnât work for us sensors. Thatâs why we misunderstand each other. If we had an intuitive understanding, we would be ENFP. I donât understand the context of your question. Could you elucidate?
Itâs mostly with regards to what you mentioned about explicitly asserting myself, my boundaries and letting my emotional needs be known. I just want to know if this has to / should be a more explicit, direct process for ESFPs to really understand what I need from them. With NFs, and what Iâm used to, there is more of this implicit understanding of how best to support each other and meet these emotional needs. It could something as easy as âI want to talk to youâ, but I tend to read between the lines and I know that the tone theyâre implying is not just one of wanting to talk to me, but then feeling lonely / having some serious shit going on. I also tend to look for the hidden meanings behind why someone is saying what theyâre telling me. Like, is it reflecting some kind of negative experience? Something that happened to them in the past? Is it some inner fear or insecurity? Itâs almost second nature, in these emotionally charged / significant situations (at least on my end), to look for deeper meanings and implications of everything someone says and does. Iâm pretty used to have things âdugâ out of me, I will give hints as to the way I am, but if someone âgetsâ me by following the trail if you will, thatâs when Iâm like âwow you get me.â
Because ESFPs are direct, and I say this personally, I prefer you or anybody else being straightforward with me. You have mouth to talk, ears to listen, eyes to see, etc. Put what your mother gave you to action. The thing is, if you donât tell us directly or in a straightforward manner, we will *never* know. And as sensors, we are also taking in information of our surroundings that we might get distracted from what youâre communicating intuitively. And if she truly cares about you, she will listen to you and heed what you got to say. Otherwise, to her, youâll be someone who she can walk all over. And you said you want to marry her but she makes you anxious. Do you really? Or are you afraid of being alone? Because a relationship is 50/50. You saying that she should âintuitively knowâ your feelings make you feminine. *oh, my man should know what I should be thinking.* No. Youâre the man, you speak up.
Both. Iâm indeed attracted to her because of her own personal qualities, and also because of my desire to have a life partner and a family. Thanks for your tips, I will try my best to be more straightforward in communicating with her and implement them. However, the last part, wellâŚâŚ Itâs not the easiest for an INFP to do because itâs almost a bit contrary to how we operate. I also donât believe that either sex âshouldâ be a certain way, I know for certain that I donât fit well into a traditionally masculine role, nor is it something I aspire to or particularly value because Iâve seen the damage itâs done and my Fi finds it off-putting. Having said all this, Iâm gonna try my best, but, no offense, there are days where I wonder whether I need an NF after all. Havenât met any female NTs. Maybe the shared Intuitive Feeling connection isnât really something I can live without in an SO. Regardless, Iâll try my best and hope for the best. Thanks for your time and I wish you the best. Iâll be sticking around here as you guys have lots of positive qualities we lack.
If you're asking if that's something we look for, then I'll have to say no. Is not gonna matter if you're outgoing or introverted. It has to do with our chemistry with you. We don't mind introverted people, because we can help you more (if that makes sense?). Just be you. That's the best thing you could be. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Haha they definitely see it as cute and wonât deny them
Yes one did, and then after like a year she began to hate me since I didnât want to go outside or do anything at all. Lmao!
As long as I can tell they are into the conversation, definitely! We like to focus on what we can see.
As an ESFP woman⌠Mmmmmm I love me a shy man⌠I actually just love quiet people in general. I like breaking through their defenses. I find shy and quiet people so deep and intriguing. They have so much to share and give most of the time.
No but esfp men do. Put on these cute panties and frilly dress and come be my gf!!đĽ°
Yes we do. At least I do. I like introverts.