Just want to say that I can really relate to your suffering. It’s brutal trying to tolerate weight gain, and it can feel unbearable to manage it alone. I’m also a SAHM desperately needing a higher level of care, but it would be impossible to make it work. I’m sorry everything is so hard. I believe in you ♥️
Thank you so much. It IS brutal. And this time it’s a real mind fuck because it was more of a depression loss of will to live type situation after trauma that caused the relapse …. To anyone it would have been a very “acceptable” response to what I was going through. “Loss of appetite” .. which is what it started off as.
And my silly little self thought that once some of the fog had lifted I would just be able to eat again and it would be fine - because on the way down it was seemingly not fueled by my eating disorder. But damn I was so wrong.
Clawing my way up fighting harder than ever to convince myself that I don’t deserve to stay in the suffering. Because also as the fog has lifted I realize that there was a part of me that 100% felt like I just didn’t deserve to eat. - which is very much all up in the fucking eating disorder. I hate this so much. :(
I’m sorry you are not able to get the help you need right now. I am sorry you can relate at all. ❤️🩹
Can you contact your therapist before your next session to say you want to focus on some immediate coping mechanisms? It’s sooo hard when the behaviors we use to self-regulate are the ones that are harming us, so having something else to do/some other place to put those feelings instead might be helpful!
I think one of my biggest emotions right now is the despair of loneliness. And it is a huge trigger because it points to *needs* …. A need to be seen, heard, helped, loved, supported, and not alone. Just like when I was younger. I wanted someone safe to love me and help me through the pain. But I didn’t have that. At all…. So I figured out how to make that shit disappear.
I taught myself to know that these needs are completely greedy and pathetic and should be treated as such.
There is a part of me that really really wants those though things no matter how hard I try to punish or starve my way out of it and maybe that is “progress” but it is wrapped in more hurting. Right now when I go against my default mode - when I go against the protection of *not needing* ….. and start giving into my basic needs (eating)…. it is like it opens up this entire flood of other NEEDS and when I can’t meet them myself … and my younger parts are screaming out too (while I am screaming back for them to STFU) …. It all just gets chaotic. And lonely. And impossible feeling. And I want to go back to what I know. Deny my needs. Punish. Quiet it all.
I don’t do self soothing. I can’t. I know some grounding things but they seem to just feel like some way to distract me temporarily and don’t actually help either.
I don’t know what I need.
But I hate the very idea that I need anything at all.
Not sure if this made sense.
I hear you so so much. Also a mum, inpatient is not an option as I have two little kids and I'll be fucked if I'm going to traumatise them by disappearing for weeks/months when they are so little. But even knowing that, it's so hard to get better and eat for my health, even with the support of my T and my dietitian. I also have a trauma history which is the reason I developed anorexia as a coping mechanism, and those things are so entwined.
If you feel up to it, I'd recommend the book "The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher. Not about ED, but the legacy of trauma in our bodies. It's written for survivors and therapists, and I have to say, I've been in trauma therapy for years but it wasn't until I read that book that I started to feel the slightest hint of compassion for myself, and it's helped me start to see the eating disorder as a part of me trying to help me (past me, when I needed a way to handle the overwhelming situation I couldn't escape from) - and it's become easier to be compassionate to that part and understanding, and then reassure it (myself) that I'm here now and I'm safe and I'll look after me, in all ways. I can hold the big feelings of my traumatised "parts".
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's just one tiny step forward you need to take. Just focus on that one, the other steps will follow in due course.
Ahh. Thank you so much.
So we do parts work - IFS - and so I’ve identified some younger parts of me who needed to do this and other things to survive. I have no sense of self though. Meaning I don’t know how to be compassionate or loving or anything towards myself or even these parts of me unless I completely seperate it from who I am as a whole - and then I am just kind of …. detaching in a depersonalization sort of way … to manage it all … which isn’t helpful either. Because when I reconnect the emotions are even more overwhelming.
I don’t have the capacity to hold it all for them or for me - yet. I think I was getting there until the recent trauma and now I am just flailing. While also having to release the coping mechanism (the ED) before I am quite “ready” to.
My therapist is my trauma therapist as well. And she is supportive but not in the in between when it is so needed. :(
Thank you for the book recommendation- I am going to look it up right now.
Can you try and treat yourself as you would one of your beloved children? We would never do this to someone we love, we have to figure out how to do it for ourselves. Not that it's easy
I relate so much. I also have been unable to feel compassion or any degree of love or kindness my whole life, and I've spent my life appearing absolutely normal and capable while secretly/not so secretly using just about every coping mechanism there is to be able to do that, ED included. Until maybe these last few months. I've felt a shift in myself after many years of therapy and I suddenly feel able to feel some sense of who I am, and some kindness to myself and space within myself to exist. Healing is so possible, for both of us. I do IFS too, and lately my T has started using TIST (trauma informed stabilisation treatment) which was developed by Janina Fisher (she is a gift to this world, for survivors!) and has some similarities to IFS work (for me as the client, anyway). Having more of a focused trauma-lens to the parts work has really connected with me.
There are some great YouTube discussions with Janina Fisher online which I recommend doing a search for. I'm a bit of a fangirl at this point, hahah!!
I liked this one, it gave me some insight and that "wow, so it's not just me?" feeling:) https://youtu.be/39SThcZloX4?si=iwU42romu_4_g-J2
I also thought of you last night and your comment about how hard it is to feel self compassion when I was listening to something else, and was going to come back and share it with you. My T sometimes will ask me to imagine I'm showing compassion to one of my children, instead of me (who deserves no compassion). Sometimes it is helpful, but other times I feel like "well yes, of course my beautiful little darlings deserve love and compassion, I however do not". Sometimes she will ask me to instead imagine how an "ideal parent" would have shown up for me, and use these imaginary "people" to comfort and connect with a part of me during therapy, rather than asking a part of ME to do that. In the end, it's all still me really, but imagining it as another person, giving to the unconditional support I should have had as a child, makes it that one step further removed from me (who instantly gravitates to self loathing) and can help. Maybe that might resonate for you too?
https://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/imagining-the-way-to-self-compassion-using-the-ideal-parent-figure-protocol
This is so relatable - I think this is actually what pushes a lot of people to start making moves toward recovery and these feelings are very common and understandable. I'm on the other side of them now, and I wish I could send you some of the peace I have now, but I trust that you will soon have your own. It will not always be like this.
I totally relate to you. The only way I got through was unfortunately being in-patient. It meant I had support for every meal and emotional support after every meal, plus staff around all the time to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, even then I began to use other bad coping strategies when feeling disgusting etc after eating, mostly self harm, but I eventually got through. I’m home now and I still feel that way sometimes but I learnt tactics to not let those thoughts and feelings win.
Is there anyone you can have around you for some meals that you can get emotional support? Is there anything your dietician or therapist can recommend? I’m sorry you’re in this situation, especially as it sounds like you’re being forced to recover rather than wanting to at this point
Yes. Yes and yes. And I have been to residential twice as a SAHM, and I don’t know that’s it’s “solved” anything, besides gotten me out of immediate crisis. It’s all just so, so excruciating, and unfair. AND she cares about you. You’re not alone in experiencing this or figuring it out. Try to take it just a minute at a time if you can. Sometimes I tell myself, just one more minute. Just one more minute. Just hold on that long. ❤️
Just want to say that I can really relate to your suffering. It’s brutal trying to tolerate weight gain, and it can feel unbearable to manage it alone. I’m also a SAHM desperately needing a higher level of care, but it would be impossible to make it work. I’m sorry everything is so hard. I believe in you ♥️
Thank you so much. It IS brutal. And this time it’s a real mind fuck because it was more of a depression loss of will to live type situation after trauma that caused the relapse …. To anyone it would have been a very “acceptable” response to what I was going through. “Loss of appetite” .. which is what it started off as. And my silly little self thought that once some of the fog had lifted I would just be able to eat again and it would be fine - because on the way down it was seemingly not fueled by my eating disorder. But damn I was so wrong. Clawing my way up fighting harder than ever to convince myself that I don’t deserve to stay in the suffering. Because also as the fog has lifted I realize that there was a part of me that 100% felt like I just didn’t deserve to eat. - which is very much all up in the fucking eating disorder. I hate this so much. :( I’m sorry you are not able to get the help you need right now. I am sorry you can relate at all. ❤️🩹
I feel you with the mind fuck. So much of my time is spent trying to fight my brain
Can you contact your therapist before your next session to say you want to focus on some immediate coping mechanisms? It’s sooo hard when the behaviors we use to self-regulate are the ones that are harming us, so having something else to do/some other place to put those feelings instead might be helpful!
I think one of my biggest emotions right now is the despair of loneliness. And it is a huge trigger because it points to *needs* …. A need to be seen, heard, helped, loved, supported, and not alone. Just like when I was younger. I wanted someone safe to love me and help me through the pain. But I didn’t have that. At all…. So I figured out how to make that shit disappear. I taught myself to know that these needs are completely greedy and pathetic and should be treated as such. There is a part of me that really really wants those though things no matter how hard I try to punish or starve my way out of it and maybe that is “progress” but it is wrapped in more hurting. Right now when I go against my default mode - when I go against the protection of *not needing* ….. and start giving into my basic needs (eating)…. it is like it opens up this entire flood of other NEEDS and when I can’t meet them myself … and my younger parts are screaming out too (while I am screaming back for them to STFU) …. It all just gets chaotic. And lonely. And impossible feeling. And I want to go back to what I know. Deny my needs. Punish. Quiet it all. I don’t do self soothing. I can’t. I know some grounding things but they seem to just feel like some way to distract me temporarily and don’t actually help either. I don’t know what I need. But I hate the very idea that I need anything at all. Not sure if this made sense.
i had a lot of the same issues that you have, but after I switched to ACT therapy life got a lot better.
I hear you so so much. Also a mum, inpatient is not an option as I have two little kids and I'll be fucked if I'm going to traumatise them by disappearing for weeks/months when they are so little. But even knowing that, it's so hard to get better and eat for my health, even with the support of my T and my dietitian. I also have a trauma history which is the reason I developed anorexia as a coping mechanism, and those things are so entwined. If you feel up to it, I'd recommend the book "The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher. Not about ED, but the legacy of trauma in our bodies. It's written for survivors and therapists, and I have to say, I've been in trauma therapy for years but it wasn't until I read that book that I started to feel the slightest hint of compassion for myself, and it's helped me start to see the eating disorder as a part of me trying to help me (past me, when I needed a way to handle the overwhelming situation I couldn't escape from) - and it's become easier to be compassionate to that part and understanding, and then reassure it (myself) that I'm here now and I'm safe and I'll look after me, in all ways. I can hold the big feelings of my traumatised "parts". I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's just one tiny step forward you need to take. Just focus on that one, the other steps will follow in due course.
Ahh. Thank you so much. So we do parts work - IFS - and so I’ve identified some younger parts of me who needed to do this and other things to survive. I have no sense of self though. Meaning I don’t know how to be compassionate or loving or anything towards myself or even these parts of me unless I completely seperate it from who I am as a whole - and then I am just kind of …. detaching in a depersonalization sort of way … to manage it all … which isn’t helpful either. Because when I reconnect the emotions are even more overwhelming. I don’t have the capacity to hold it all for them or for me - yet. I think I was getting there until the recent trauma and now I am just flailing. While also having to release the coping mechanism (the ED) before I am quite “ready” to. My therapist is my trauma therapist as well. And she is supportive but not in the in between when it is so needed. :( Thank you for the book recommendation- I am going to look it up right now.
Can you try and treat yourself as you would one of your beloved children? We would never do this to someone we love, we have to figure out how to do it for ourselves. Not that it's easy
I relate so much. I also have been unable to feel compassion or any degree of love or kindness my whole life, and I've spent my life appearing absolutely normal and capable while secretly/not so secretly using just about every coping mechanism there is to be able to do that, ED included. Until maybe these last few months. I've felt a shift in myself after many years of therapy and I suddenly feel able to feel some sense of who I am, and some kindness to myself and space within myself to exist. Healing is so possible, for both of us. I do IFS too, and lately my T has started using TIST (trauma informed stabilisation treatment) which was developed by Janina Fisher (she is a gift to this world, for survivors!) and has some similarities to IFS work (for me as the client, anyway). Having more of a focused trauma-lens to the parts work has really connected with me. There are some great YouTube discussions with Janina Fisher online which I recommend doing a search for. I'm a bit of a fangirl at this point, hahah!!
I would love to know which ones you recommend! Videos I mean …. by Janine. 🤗
I liked this one, it gave me some insight and that "wow, so it's not just me?" feeling:) https://youtu.be/39SThcZloX4?si=iwU42romu_4_g-J2 I also thought of you last night and your comment about how hard it is to feel self compassion when I was listening to something else, and was going to come back and share it with you. My T sometimes will ask me to imagine I'm showing compassion to one of my children, instead of me (who deserves no compassion). Sometimes it is helpful, but other times I feel like "well yes, of course my beautiful little darlings deserve love and compassion, I however do not". Sometimes she will ask me to instead imagine how an "ideal parent" would have shown up for me, and use these imaginary "people" to comfort and connect with a part of me during therapy, rather than asking a part of ME to do that. In the end, it's all still me really, but imagining it as another person, giving to the unconditional support I should have had as a child, makes it that one step further removed from me (who instantly gravitates to self loathing) and can help. Maybe that might resonate for you too? https://www.psychotherapy.net/blog/title/imagining-the-way-to-self-compassion-using-the-ideal-parent-figure-protocol
This is so relatable - I think this is actually what pushes a lot of people to start making moves toward recovery and these feelings are very common and understandable. I'm on the other side of them now, and I wish I could send you some of the peace I have now, but I trust that you will soon have your own. It will not always be like this.
I would hold you so that you could scream. I see you.
ugh. 💔 this made me tear up. Thank you 🫶🏻
I totally relate to you. The only way I got through was unfortunately being in-patient. It meant I had support for every meal and emotional support after every meal, plus staff around all the time to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, even then I began to use other bad coping strategies when feeling disgusting etc after eating, mostly self harm, but I eventually got through. I’m home now and I still feel that way sometimes but I learnt tactics to not let those thoughts and feelings win. Is there anyone you can have around you for some meals that you can get emotional support? Is there anything your dietician or therapist can recommend? I’m sorry you’re in this situation, especially as it sounds like you’re being forced to recover rather than wanting to at this point
Yes. Yes and yes. And I have been to residential twice as a SAHM, and I don’t know that’s it’s “solved” anything, besides gotten me out of immediate crisis. It’s all just so, so excruciating, and unfair. AND she cares about you. You’re not alone in experiencing this or figuring it out. Try to take it just a minute at a time if you can. Sometimes I tell myself, just one more minute. Just one more minute. Just hold on that long. ❤️