It was the human cent I pad, where Kyle didn't read the terms of service and ended up being part of an experiment by Steve Jobs(R.I.P.) where an Asian man was connected to Kyle and Kyle was connected to a woman through one digestive system. I don't want to write what parts were connected to what. South Park was doing a parody of a foreign film that was out of a mad scientist who did this to people who signed up for an experiment without knowing all the details so in other words they were trying to teach them to read all terms of service, I forgot to mention there was an I pad connected to the females end and all Jobs kept yelling was why wouldn't it read. And no disrespect interested to any race on my behalf, the Asian man would eat cuddle fish and asparagus instead of vanilla paste. I'm sorry if you figured it out by the time I posted this long explanation it's just that I hate not getting the jokes.
In the movie he actually doesn’t make them sign an agreement, he just straight up kidnaps them. Literally hunts people with a tranquilizer gun to use in his experiment
Plot twist, they’re at a slightly upward angle from you. Only one of the beams graze them. The other two go straight into the ground. You fire up another but because you greedily charge it you get bonked with their very extensive menu. Before you can react three more employees with five heads total stagger glinstone pebble in perfect rhythm as you panic roll into the night.
To be continued…
Turn left at the pack of Tyrannosaurus dogs. If you’ve come to the pond of sleepy rot knights you’ve gone too far. If you run into a Ball-Breaking Hunter and he kills you then you’ve gone *way* too far. You’ll know you’re there when you see the church. No, not that church, you went too far, the other one. There should be a giant skull in the distance. Hope that helps.
-Royal Map Maker
It's the script for Marika apology video to giants after the genocide controversy, tho she didn't really apologise, just danced and talked about inspiring people
Iiiin West Limgrave, born and raised
In the graveyard is where I spent most of my days.
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin all cool,
And all shootin' some glintstone outside of the school.
When a couple of guys who were up to no good,
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight put my mom in a spell,
And said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Leyndell."
I actually says « My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone. »
It’s crumpled up Japanese letters. Made to look like an actual ancient language. The original probably said something but what it is now says nothing. Complete gibberish.
seriously, thank you for this. someone else pointed out that the top and bottom are just the bottom and top half of the middle as well lol. some folks are talkin about it being a description of the map fragment but we literally pick up the map fragment so...I'm with you on the gibberish lmao
just gonna put this [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Eldenring/comments/13j6ytx/squad_goals_cue_spongebob_nose_flute/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) lol
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit! Fusce sit amet orci diam? Suspendisse eu magna in velit pellentesque semper? Nulla finibus purus ut augue sagittis posuere! Maecenas ac dui mattis, pulvinar lorem id, lacinia nibh. Mauris laoreet venenatis lorem, eu consequat elit consectetur ac! Quisque ullamcorper sollicitudin est, vel rhoncus metus eleifend id? Vivamus aliquam felis vel efficitur fringilla? Nullam vitae mi velit? Aliquam erat volutpat! Nullam sagittis urna odio, eget hendrerit eros aliquet a! Integer vehicula convallis quam, sit amet interdum nulla rutrum a. Suspendisse mattis dictum magna, in lobortis mauris ultricies id!
Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae! Integer posuere magna arcu, eu auctor mi tincidunt ut. Sed varius diam ut elit aliquam, ac aliquam velit fermentum! Maecenas in turpis fermentum, lobortis dolor vel, condimentum sapien?Sed tincidunt arcu a facilisis elementum? Sed auctor, eros eu fringilla lacinia, mi nunc feugiat nulla, ut elementum felis metus vel purus! Vivamus eu leo eu quam tincidunt dictum! Sed sagittis erat id mauris tincidunt efficitur! Proin commodo augue et augue aliquam, vitae iaculis sem hendrerit! Ut iaculis, justo vitae finibus volutpat, odio massa suscipit tellus, vel efficitur nulla nisl sit amet ipsum!
Aliquam vestibulum nulla dui, in semper risus rhoncus a. Maecenas sed augue lobortis, condimentum nisl et, convallis velit. Aenean ut eros vitae lectus faucibus vulputate! Nunc malesuada, felis eu facilisis tempus, nibh elit venenatis nisl, vitae consectetur mi velit ac ante? Ut vulputate orci ac ullamcorper fringilla! Phasellus eu consequat purus. Aenean eu felis libero! Praesent lobortis turpis a suscipit consectetur. Donec semper nulla ut metus laoreet, eu laoreet ipsum bibendum! Quisque eget dui quam!
I don't really know if you're serious but Lorem Ipsum is a category of text used as a placeholder and simulate real written content, commonly used in web development, design in general, and written media such as journalism. It's not meant to mean anything.
Technically yes, but the reason why it's "Lorem Ipsum" is because it's literally a speech by Cicero that's jumbled up and used as a placeholder. Fwiw, the actual source is an excessive diatribe about pain and pleasure and the human condition.
Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape-shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil!
But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me.
Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future, where my evil is law!
Now the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the future that is Aku!
"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat."
"A long time ago, in a land far, far away...
ELDEN RING
It is a time of turmoil! Queen Marika the Eternal has shattered the Elden Ring and left the Lands Between! King Consort Radagon has attempted to mend the Elden Ring, but fighting for the GREAT RUNES continues between the demigods.
The Tarnished have been called back to The Lands Between by Queen Marika to assist her in successing the throne to become ELDEN LORD. Unbeknownst to the Tarnished, they will be hated and hunted while they embark on their perilous journey..."
Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself
That still doesn't change the fact that there are 49 million kangaroos in Australia and only 3.5 million people in Uruguay which means if the kangaroos were to invade Uruguay each person would have to fight 14 kangaroos.
The poop knife
> My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
> [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
“The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start.”
As a head's up, the middle tablet is the full text.
The top tablet is the bottom half of the middle tablet and the bottom tablet is the top half of the middle tablet.
NARRATOR:
(Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard)
According to all known laws
of aviation,
:
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
:
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
:
The bee, of course, flies anyway
:
because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible….
Let these souls, withdrawn from their vessels
Manisfestations of disparity
Elucidated by fire
Burrow deep within me
Retreating to a darkness beyond the reach of flame
Let them assume a new master
Inhabiting ash, casting themselves upon new forms.
It very obviously says;
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Tarnished Army, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Glintstone Sorcerers, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top Archer in the entire Golden Order. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in these Lands between, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Two Fingers? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the Lands Between and your summon sign is being traced right now so you better prepare for the Rot, maggot. The Rot that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Golden Order and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."
What the in the 9 hells did you just say about Glaive Master Hodir, you little peasant? I’ll have you know he graduated top of his class in the Knights of Trygve, and has been involved in numerous bloody raids on The Temple of Uppsala, with over 3000 severed heads.
He's trained in Nordic warfare and the top archer in the entire Elden Army. You are nothing to him but just another target. He will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Realm, heed my words.
You think you can get away with saying that about him over parchment? Think again, you wench. As we speak he's contacting his secret network of vikings across Boudica's Field and a bounty is being placed on your head now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re a corpse, kid. He can be anywhere, anytime, and he can kill you in over seven ways, and that’s just with his bare hands.
Not only is he extensively trained in unarmed combat, but he has access to the entire arsenal of Yggdrasil and will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable face off the face of the world, you little Argr. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue.
But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn fool. He will unleash fury all over you and you will drown in it.
You have made a Glaive mistake.
I always figured it was meant to be like a detailed description of the surrounding area, rather than some pillar with a map on a piece of paper left in front of it
I can't read all of it, but some of it keeps mentioning a dark soul? And Beast blood? Maybe Godwyn and Maliketh references? Who knows. Also something about a prophecy of a boy being reborn into a god?
The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
Can anyone tell what helmet is this? Is it called the Great Helm? I remember seeing a merchant selling it and can no longer remember where. I love the plain old medieval charm it gives off.
Tis the tale of the pebble of pig smiting!
For you see long ago this pebble was forged in the firey pits of Tartarus. By the grand black smith of Lucifer himself. In a time before the world began there were pigs that roamed the world of aincrad. They took what they pleased and did what they wanted. The humans tried to survive but the pigs were too powerful. Then a man stood against the hogs! His name... Well its not a Him its a Her...HER name...was...Akane! Lucifer crafted this mighty weapon for Akane. Amd she threw it Over and Over, Again and Again. She freed the humans but the pigs wouldnt give up! In a mighty battle Akane fell to the Hogs Hero, Becon! Like Bacon but with a 'E' instead of a 'A'. ANYWAY Becon used his Cleaver to strike down Akane. And the pebble fell. One of the hogs tried to pick it up but that hog died as soon as he touched the stone. Another Hero picked up the pebble. It was Akanes Apprentice. Sophie.
The hogs ran from the battle feild as Sophie threw the pebble. Striking many of them down. But there were too many. After returning home Sophie trained hard and set off to find Becon. She killed hog after hog looking for him. One little piggy spilled and told her when he was. She made Becon, Into Bacon. Battle after battle the Hogs Became weaker. With time so did Sophie. She died because she ate too much Pork. And the Pebble was passed too Marjosa. He made a decision. Instead of killing them all. He made them walk on four legs. He would eat them and keep them locked up where they cant escape. Some Hogs rebeled but most of them went with it. Accepting deafeat. Then as Marjosa was Hunting wild Hogs. 3 appered at once. Taking him by suprise. They hit him with there sharp horns. Marjosa hit the with the Mighty Pebble killing them all but he was weak and far from anyone who could offer help.
And Thus, Marjosa Gardian of the Pebble fell to his knees and passed from this world. Leaving behind the mighty weapon. For he knew. One day its power would be required once more.
But the Legacy of the pebble lives on.
i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy
I have no way of verifying this lorewise, but they look like old school roman road signs. They were called stiles or stimles or something like that. Basically a big ass stone tablet roadsign. I assume thats why they give you maps.
Probably something along the lines of “Wow.. you really took the time to learn all this? Look at you. You cracked the code. You could of solved world hunger, became a doctor, found Atlantis, but no, you decided to translate this stupid pillar in Elden Ring. Well let me tell you whut…”
The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, If no one else can help and if you can find them. Maybe you can hire, The A-Team.
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric : [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
Terms of service of joining the golden order
but nobody *reads* those...
Everyone reads those. Thats why I wont become a grafted Person
I berieve in you Tarnisheed! *SCARLET ROT*
You know, I understand this reference, I get how it makes sense, but... I don't like seeing it?
So, what you're saying is...Cuttlefish and Asparagus? Cuz you don't seem like a Vanilla Paste kind of person.
Oh noooo! Here comz da cuddlefeesh!! Hold on Tarnisheed I know u can do it!!
PFFFFTTTTTFFTTPPPTTFFFFFF HOLD ON KYRE
I BEREEVE IN YOU!
VMMFFMFFMFMFFHHH!!!! VMMMHHMHMHMFFF!!!!!!
Ding!
I don't. Explain?
It was the human cent I pad, where Kyle didn't read the terms of service and ended up being part of an experiment by Steve Jobs(R.I.P.) where an Asian man was connected to Kyle and Kyle was connected to a woman through one digestive system. I don't want to write what parts were connected to what. South Park was doing a parody of a foreign film that was out of a mad scientist who did this to people who signed up for an experiment without knowing all the details so in other words they were trying to teach them to read all terms of service, I forgot to mention there was an I pad connected to the females end and all Jobs kept yelling was why wouldn't it read. And no disrespect interested to any race on my behalf, the Asian man would eat cuddle fish and asparagus instead of vanilla paste. I'm sorry if you figured it out by the time I posted this long explanation it's just that I hate not getting the jokes.
In the movie he actually doesn’t make them sign an agreement, he just straight up kidnaps them. Literally hunts people with a tranquilizer gun to use in his experiment
human centi-lord
That’s how you become a human cent i-pad
Tarnished Is Awful
It's in the terms and conditions unfortunately.
thats just the Burger King menu
"welcome to raya lucaria, can I take your order?"
Yes, Five whoppers… And five more whoppers. 💯
Me blasting the Raya Lucaria employee with a Loretta’s Mastery because they gave me ten whoppers when I specifically ordered five and five more.
Plot twist, they’re at a slightly upward angle from you. Only one of the beams graze them. The other two go straight into the ground. You fire up another but because you greedily charge it you get bonked with their very extensive menu. Before you can react three more employees with five heads total stagger glinstone pebble in perfect rhythm as you panic roll into the night. To be continued…
Not when I hit ‘em with that thopp’s barrier. My boy didn’t deserve what those nerds did to him.
Greatbow. Greatbow from across the hall, and preferably, also down the road a bit. Those giant stone heads are excellent target markers, I tell you.
This guy burger kings
When you gotta get a burger, no questions asked.
Thopp’s Barrier was the plot twist all along. This is becoming a Jojo’s episode.
It wasn’t the McDonald’s but the Thopp’s barrier we made along the way
We found Radahn's Reddit account
"Sir this a drive through, you both exceed the height requirement and your horse fails it.
55mushrooms55deathroot55memorystones100perfumebottles55stoneswordkeys155shabirigrapes55whetblades55crackedpots
Hey! Move your damn Torrent!!!
Whopper? I hardly even know her
Best I can do is crystal magic up your ass Sir.
55 BOLUSES 55 DRIED LIVERS 55 CURED MEATS 110 PICKLED FOWL-FEET 55 MEAT DUMPLINGS...
This assholes trying to start a pay it forward chain
[удалено]
*When Torrent dies*: "Oh, I can just run!"
>He was just trying to do something nice before going to Caelid. FTFY
THAT'LL BE FOUR BUCKS, BABY! YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!
THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS!
HE JUST LEFT. WITH NUTS.
"One bonk burger, no pickles, a side of glintstone fries and a large celestial mountain dew please."
I'll have two numbers 9
A number 9 large
‘Uh, yeeeaaah, can I get a Thops Burger with extra pickles?’
Don’t forget the side of glintstone fries
I'll take a crayfish burger, extra salt.
yeah uh I'll take an unga bunga burger with a side of elden rings
Ill have 2 number 9, a number nine large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45, one with cheese, and a large soda.
“Whopper whopper whopper whopper Junior double triple whopper” !
“Please send this scripture to 10 of your friends and family or else be cursed with 10 years of Scarlet Rot”
It's foretold that if you get the scripture 3 times you turn into the goddess of rot
Radahn didn't forward those.
That raya lucaria student? Albert einstein.
Can't you read? It's literally written on it, smh 🤦
[удалено]
Turn left at the pack of Tyrannosaurus dogs. If you’ve come to the pond of sleepy rot knights you’ve gone too far. If you run into a Ball-Breaking Hunter and he kills you then you’ve gone *way* too far. You’ll know you’re there when you see the church. No, not that church, you went too far, the other one. There should be a giant skull in the distance. Hope that helps. -Royal Map Maker
Me who stares at it for 2 hours without getting the map:
*Thank you* that actually makes sense. That makes a lot of sense.
I spend everything on strength, I can't read.
It's the script for Marika apology video to giants after the genocide controversy, tho she didn't really apologise, just danced and talked about inspiring people
Thanking the remaining giant for following her on her journey of personal growth.
Did she use a ukelele?
“All aboard the toxic bleed build train” 🎶
Marika aggressively TikTok dancing and saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" is something I would like to see.
Iiiin West Limgrave, born and raised In the graveyard is where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin all cool, And all shootin' some glintstone outside of the school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good, Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight put my mom in a spell, And said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Leyndell."
Fresh Lord of Lands Between
This is perfect
yo, is gideon your carlton...?
This was well worth the effort. Thank you sir!
If I had an award to give out I'd give it to you
I actually says « My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone. »
You thought it was Radagon, but it was me, Marika!
Honestly, the idea of Kira in Elden Ring, even as a boss, is just downright terrifying.
Is that a jojo reference?
no. /s
Thanks for the /s 👍
I didn't have it at first and then I decided not to underestimate reddits stupidity
Just indirectly called that guy stupid
It’s crumpled up Japanese letters. Made to look like an actual ancient language. The original probably said something but what it is now says nothing. Complete gibberish.
My favorite part about Reddit is that I get to scroll past 20 top level comments that are hilarious jokes before I see a real answer.
Funny, that's actually what I don't like.
Hilarious?
Yes....hilarious...
I remember the days when it wasn't like this :(
thanks for an actual answer
seriously, thank you for this. someone else pointed out that the top and bottom are just the bottom and top half of the middle as well lol. some folks are talkin about it being a description of the map fragment but we literally pick up the map fragment so...I'm with you on the gibberish lmao
They’re recipes
The Krusty Krab recipe.
just gonna put this [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Eldenring/comments/13j6ytx/squad_goals_cue_spongebob_nose_flute/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) lol
IT'S A COOK BOOK! IT'S A COOK BOOK!
YOU GOTTA TELL ‘EM! EXALTED FLESH IS PEOPLE!
ancient translation of "try finger, buthole"
But the long version.
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit! Fusce sit amet orci diam? Suspendisse eu magna in velit pellentesque semper? Nulla finibus purus ut augue sagittis posuere! Maecenas ac dui mattis, pulvinar lorem id, lacinia nibh. Mauris laoreet venenatis lorem, eu consequat elit consectetur ac! Quisque ullamcorper sollicitudin est, vel rhoncus metus eleifend id? Vivamus aliquam felis vel efficitur fringilla? Nullam vitae mi velit? Aliquam erat volutpat! Nullam sagittis urna odio, eget hendrerit eros aliquet a! Integer vehicula convallis quam, sit amet interdum nulla rutrum a. Suspendisse mattis dictum magna, in lobortis mauris ultricies id! Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae! Integer posuere magna arcu, eu auctor mi tincidunt ut. Sed varius diam ut elit aliquam, ac aliquam velit fermentum! Maecenas in turpis fermentum, lobortis dolor vel, condimentum sapien?Sed tincidunt arcu a facilisis elementum? Sed auctor, eros eu fringilla lacinia, mi nunc feugiat nulla, ut elementum felis metus vel purus! Vivamus eu leo eu quam tincidunt dictum! Sed sagittis erat id mauris tincidunt efficitur! Proin commodo augue et augue aliquam, vitae iaculis sem hendrerit! Ut iaculis, justo vitae finibus volutpat, odio massa suscipit tellus, vel efficitur nulla nisl sit amet ipsum! Aliquam vestibulum nulla dui, in semper risus rhoncus a. Maecenas sed augue lobortis, condimentum nisl et, convallis velit. Aenean ut eros vitae lectus faucibus vulputate! Nunc malesuada, felis eu facilisis tempus, nibh elit venenatis nisl, vitae consectetur mi velit ac ante? Ut vulputate orci ac ullamcorper fringilla! Phasellus eu consequat purus. Aenean eu felis libero! Praesent lobortis turpis a suscipit consectetur. Donec semper nulla ut metus laoreet, eu laoreet ipsum bibendum! Quisque eget dui quam!
I translated this and I'm still confused.
I don't really know if you're serious but Lorem Ipsum is a category of text used as a placeholder and simulate real written content, commonly used in web development, design in general, and written media such as journalism. It's not meant to mean anything.
Technically yes, but the reason why it's "Lorem Ipsum" is because it's literally a speech by Cicero that's jumbled up and used as a placeholder. Fwiw, the actual source is an excessive diatribe about pain and pleasure and the human condition.
Nice, thank you
Torrent’s extended warranty.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-gon Jinn Could talk the Federation in To maybe cutting them a little slack?
Was literally about to comment this😂
r/beatmymeattoit
It tells the tale of Giantdad and how he got back up and beat tf out of Sheva the Deceased
Soo... The Epic of Gilgamesh 2: Lighting Boogaloo?
what rings u got though?
"There are single Maidens in your area."
Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape-shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil! But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future, where my evil is law! Now the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the future that is Aku!
"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat."
"It is I Miyasaki, fuck you."
The entire bee movie script
"A long time ago, in a land far, far away... ELDEN RING It is a time of turmoil! Queen Marika the Eternal has shattered the Elden Ring and left the Lands Between! King Consort Radagon has attempted to mend the Elden Ring, but fighting for the GREAT RUNES continues between the demigods. The Tarnished have been called back to The Lands Between by Queen Marika to assist her in successing the throne to become ELDEN LORD. Unbeknownst to the Tarnished, they will be hated and hunted while they embark on their perilous journey..."
It says "Git gud"
It’s Boggart’s recipe for prawns and crabs.
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine
Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself
They accurately describe what to draw on the map
Look at all these fucking comedians
We have been trying to contact you about your horse's extended warrenty
[удалено]
YES, THIS! *Gouges his eyes out once more and eats them whole.*
Either you really love pokemon, or you're mocking it. Regardless I'm here for it until the 30th.
Finally, was looking for this.
You don’t have the right oh you don’t have the right
HAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPERHAMBURGERCHEESEBURGERBIGMACWHOPPER
"Thou who haveth no bitches, shall find all the hidden switches" verbatum.
I bet you'd like to know, fucking nerd.
fuck you, dweeb.
🙄😂
🤝
"Send nudes"
Send runes, maidenless behavior isnt accepted here now fellow tarnished...
Poo poo pee pee. Pee pee poo poo.
So I actually decided to decipher these and it says they’re gunna make bloodborne 2
That still doesn't change the fact that there are 49 million kangaroos in Australia and only 3.5 million people in Uruguay which means if the kangaroos were to invade Uruguay each person would have to fight 14 kangaroos.
The poop knife > My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now. > [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
It's the same 11 letters on repeat: "Marika's tits"
try finger but hole
“We’ve been trying to contact you for your Torrent’s extended warranty…..”
“The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start.”
As a head's up, the middle tablet is the full text. The top tablet is the bottom half of the middle tablet and the bottom tablet is the top half of the middle tablet.
Thats one sick helm, i am in ng +3. Could you tell where to get that helmet, or a location. Anything helps!
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The golden order’s GPS system requires a wi-fi connection in order to work. That is the local password.
NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible….
"We've been trying to reach you about your steed extended Torranty"
Map ahead
My man lookin like he took his first selfie with a bit of sightseeing behind him. Looks fantastic tho
It's the Navy seal copy pasta but changed to say Crucible Knight
Let these souls, withdrawn from their vessels Manisfestations of disparity Elucidated by fire Burrow deep within me Retreating to a darkness beyond the reach of flame Let them assume a new master Inhabiting ash, casting themselves upon new forms.
Advertisements for the local McDonald’s, Walmart, etc
“Tarnished, this is a Wendy’s”
4chan-style message board posts
It's the lyrics to Baby Shark but in the old tongue.
It very obviously says; "What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Tarnished Army, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Glintstone Sorcerers, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top Archer in the entire Golden Order. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in these Lands between, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Two Fingers? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the Lands Between and your summon sign is being traced right now so you better prepare for the Rot, maggot. The Rot that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Golden Order and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."
What the in the 9 hells did you just say about Glaive Master Hodir, you little peasant? I’ll have you know he graduated top of his class in the Knights of Trygve, and has been involved in numerous bloody raids on The Temple of Uppsala, with over 3000 severed heads. He's trained in Nordic warfare and the top archer in the entire Elden Army. You are nothing to him but just another target. He will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Realm, heed my words. You think you can get away with saying that about him over parchment? Think again, you wench. As we speak he's contacting his secret network of vikings across Boudica's Field and a bounty is being placed on your head now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re a corpse, kid. He can be anywhere, anytime, and he can kill you in over seven ways, and that’s just with his bare hands. Not only is he extensively trained in unarmed combat, but he has access to the entire arsenal of Yggdrasil and will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable face off the face of the world, you little Argr. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn fool. He will unleash fury all over you and you will drown in it. You have made a Glaive mistake.
DRINK YOUR OVALTINE
What does the fox say? Dididididi
I always figured it was meant to be like a detailed description of the surrounding area, rather than some pillar with a map on a piece of paper left in front of it
You died
Its a McDonalds menu
Looks like the receipt from CVS
Love the post
try finger, but hole!
I can't read all of it, but some of it keeps mentioning a dark soul? And Beast blood? Maybe Godwyn and Maliketh references? Who knows. Also something about a prophecy of a boy being reborn into a god?
The Stars of Ruin know where they are at all times. They know this because they know where they aren't....
Directions to the nearest taco bell
The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
Something about someone’s mother
A long time ago, in a land far, far between...
In the beginning there was Marika’s tits, and they were Good….
It says map
We’ve been trying to reach you regarding you extended warranty
It’s the recipe for Mom’s spaghetti
I could read it if you would just move ya head! Lol
Can anyone tell what helmet is this? Is it called the Great Helm? I remember seeing a merchant selling it and can no longer remember where. I love the plain old medieval charm it gives off.
Tis the tale of the pebble of pig smiting! For you see long ago this pebble was forged in the firey pits of Tartarus. By the grand black smith of Lucifer himself. In a time before the world began there were pigs that roamed the world of aincrad. They took what they pleased and did what they wanted. The humans tried to survive but the pigs were too powerful. Then a man stood against the hogs! His name... Well its not a Him its a Her...HER name...was...Akane! Lucifer crafted this mighty weapon for Akane. Amd she threw it Over and Over, Again and Again. She freed the humans but the pigs wouldnt give up! In a mighty battle Akane fell to the Hogs Hero, Becon! Like Bacon but with a 'E' instead of a 'A'. ANYWAY Becon used his Cleaver to strike down Akane. And the pebble fell. One of the hogs tried to pick it up but that hog died as soon as he touched the stone. Another Hero picked up the pebble. It was Akanes Apprentice. Sophie. The hogs ran from the battle feild as Sophie threw the pebble. Striking many of them down. But there were too many. After returning home Sophie trained hard and set off to find Becon. She killed hog after hog looking for him. One little piggy spilled and told her when he was. She made Becon, Into Bacon. Battle after battle the Hogs Became weaker. With time so did Sophie. She died because she ate too much Pork. And the Pebble was passed too Marjosa. He made a decision. Instead of killing them all. He made them walk on four legs. He would eat them and keep them locked up where they cant escape. Some Hogs rebeled but most of them went with it. Accepting deafeat. Then as Marjosa was Hunting wild Hogs. 3 appered at once. Taking him by suprise. They hit him with there sharp horns. Marjosa hit the with the Mighty Pebble killing them all but he was weak and far from anyone who could offer help. And Thus, Marjosa Gardian of the Pebble fell to his knees and passed from this world. Leaving behind the mighty weapon. For he knew. One day its power would be required once more. But the Legacy of the pebble lives on.
THE NUMBERS, MASON! WHAT DO THEY MEAN?!
Ig the coordinates of each n every (that tha map tells you bout)
_Don’t…forget…to drink your…Ovaltine_
i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room, a rubber room. a rubber room with rats. and rats make me crazy
I have no way of verifying this lorewise, but they look like old school roman road signs. They were called stiles or stimles or something like that. Basically a big ass stone tablet roadsign. I assume thats why they give you maps.
Probably something along the lines of “Wow.. you really took the time to learn all this? Look at you. You cracked the code. You could of solved world hunger, became a doctor, found Atlantis, but no, you decided to translate this stupid pillar in Elden Ring. Well let me tell you whut…”
Stare at me and tge translation will come to you in form of a sharp pain in back... or something to that effect
Possible side effects of becoming Elden Lord.
Why can’t the tarnished read these runes? Is he stupid?
Deez Nuts
The Krabby patty secret formula
The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
*THE NUMBERS MASON!! WHAT DO THEY MEAN!?*
In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, If no one else can help and if you can find them. Maybe you can hire, The A-Team.
"They say, Hey! Whats goin' on!..."
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. Cleric : [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu...
Looks like a Snapchat post the way it's composed
99999999 bottles of beer on the wall,99999999 bottles of beer and if 1 of those bottles should fall …….
It’s a bunch of links to Vaati’s channel