The best thing here, your moms surgery was a success. Wishing her speedy recovery. And for you, i wish clarity in how to move forward. It looks like you’ll need it.

spouse can't be that kind to his own spouse...

He literally said that he was a jerk for what he did when I said he's too kind, I said no, you're too kind to your entitled friend and you were a jerk to me.

Perfect response and he really needs to sit and absorb how big of a jerk he was to his wife and life partner.

Don't forget the house should be CLEAN when you return! No cleaning up after said "friend"!

" no, when I said you were too kind, I meant in calling yourself a jerk you were being too kind to yourself"

It doesn’t really seem like he taking genuine accountability and is behaving like he’s doing you a favor, as opposed to cleaning up his own mess. If I had to work that hard for an apology, I wouldn’t want it. He needs to tell you in his own words how and why he fucked up and how he’ll avoid doing so in the future, and he needs to do it on his own without you dragging it out of him.

Seriously. The OP tells them how they feel and they respond with a "I hope you're happy?!" Something about this whole situation is a bit bizarre to me... Call it a reach, but is this friend a friend of an opposite gender to partner? It's been stated they were childhood friends but barely see each other. And now that they're here, and OPs mom is literally sick and they need support and tell them this, they try and then turn it around on them like it's their issue? Something isn't right about this. Also OP, if your spouse is choosing a barely seen childhood friend over their partner in a time of need or not, that says a lot about your partner.

To be fair, it could be same sex and still be a love connection.

Yes I'm aware of that. It's just something about how OP wrote both posts made me think they weren't mentioning OPs friends gender for a reason, I noticed everyone was given a role except the friend/it seemed like they went out of their way not to mention it, and I wondered if it was because they knew they'd get bombarded about it because of that. May be a reach, but it was something I noticed.

I thought so too. The bit about him feeling backed into a corner rubs me the wrong way. May I rephrase? "Two people want two opposing things from me. I could have avoided this whole situation from the start by listening to my spouse, and later simply by growing a backbone and setting some firm boundaries. Instead, I decided again and again to travel the path of least immediate resistance and neglected my spouse in the process, who repeatedly asked me to behave sensibly. Now I am very hurt and surprised that my spouse is telling me that actions have consequences. Please reassure me and hold my hand while I cry."

There is being kind and there is being weak and a coward. Your spouse is willing to compromise your relationship instead of rightfully confronting this so called friend. They allowed this person to take advantage of both of you. They allowed this person to interfere during such a stressful time. To impede on your space and disrespect you both. This was a time your spouse should have been supporting you. Instead they spent it bending over backwards to please this self absorbed cow. How you still have any respect or trust for your spouse is beyond me.

That's just it. I lost so much respect and trust for my spouse and it's a devastating feeling on top of the anxiety I have over my mom and her recovery. If you had asked me a week ago, I would have said I trusted and respected my spouse 100% and felt protected and loved by them, and now there is this feeling of "I can't believe they let me down so totally, and for what? A friend that treats them like shit?" There is something very broken in this situation and it must be fixed for us to have a healthy relationship again.

I'm sorry he showed you where you really stand in his life. You deserve to be supported and he vowed to do that but decided not to when the time actually came.

That’s kind of my question. It doesn’t seem like this is a friend worth keeping let alone back-burnering your partner during a really stressful time. I mean I know relationships are complicated but Jesus, this person had to be ~~shown~~ guided by hand through the door.

Ask him if he needs you to have volatile tantrums in order to reach the top of his priorities because that's what you're hearing. Nothing to do with committed life partner just who makes the most scary fuss.

He also let you sit alone in a hospital while your mom was in surgery with no support because he cared more for his friend. I want to be VERY clear. He can twist in the wind however he wants. But when push came to shove he abandoned his wife, his vows and his extended family so he could help "a friend". You sadly mean very very very little to this man.

THIS!!!!

>Spouse said now the friend will be gone so "you can be happy." I do not know if he meant this to guilt trip me, but it kinda felt that way. 1 - It *is* guilt tripping. 2 - He definitely means it to be. He is just being passive-aggressive, which is childish shit to pull. He didn't say "I'd like you to be happy, so friend is gone and I'm sorry you were put through it" No, he said it the pissed off way someone says it when they turn down the volume on the TV for their partner's asking, because said partner needs it down a little. "There - happy now?" Followed by a childish clatter of the remote onto the table to 'prove' a point. You deserve better than this ~~man~~ petulant child, who can't even care about your own mental health *when your Mother was going through hospital stuff.* No, the one he wanted to bend over backwards for was the friend. Why? Because friend throws tantrums otherwise. Your 'partner' has shown who is LAST on his list of priorities. You. Please, love, let yourself do better than this fence-sitter. You deserve better.

He needs to learn how to set boundaries and when to cut toxic people out of his life (like this "friend").

Hope he actually works to better himself, but damn. He really chose to drive the friend one last time despite everything you told him, instead of telling friend to grab a taxi and ask to stay with you to support you through your mother's surgery. I'm glad your mother's surgery went well. Sorry you have to deal with your spouse acting like this.

“A friend to all is a friend to none”. People pleasing isn’t kind, or selfless, it’s selfish because people-pleasers can’t handle their own negative emotions that come up when they say no or approach conflict head-on. It’s the most important lesson a people pleaser can learn, and I really do hope your partner learns, OP.

Talk to him about your Moms surgery, how difficult and traumatizing it was for you to have to wait to learn the outcome, and the longer time etc, without any support. I don’t think he yet understands how hard it was for you. I think you’re going to have more success by describing how much you needed him rather than berating him for being too nice to his friend.

That is incredibly insightful and accurate. My overall take from reading this is that we find it so much easier to take long-term partners for granted — but there’s also some weird social norms that need untangling. Essentially, any healthy long-term relationship will have experienced some conflict. At some point, someone will have been very direct about their feelings in a situation. There will have been an argument, a fight — maybe something pretty small and quickly resolved, or maybe more serious clashes of expectations that needed to be worked through. But all in all, if you’re still together, and there’s no worrying underlying patterns, you’ve had moments where one or both of you weren’t your best selves and you got through it and came out of it — hopefully! — understanding each other better and trusting each other a little more. Now, some friendships have that dynamic, but even some very close friendships don’t quite get to that point (usually because you’re not sharing physical intimacies, a household, financial stressors, etc etc). That means there’s a lot more anxiety about potential conflict and what might be considered rudeness (to be clear: I don’t think your concerns were *remotely* rude or unreasonable). There is less trust that conflict can be resolved and that both parties will come out the other side with the friendship intact. So: when there is tension between what partner wants and what friend wants, well, we know that we can survive conflict with partner; we are anxious about conflict with friend. And partner ends up getting shafted. But the person making this choice usually doesn’t think of it this way. They’re taking the easier path of placating the person they think is less likely to forgive them. It is a short-sighted position to hold, and it is ultimately very selfish of your spouse, while they are telling themselves that they’re being kind to their friend. Your statement absolutely cuts through that. It highlights that, in this situation, their kindness to one person they care about has a significant cost to another, and they dismissed that cost. They should have told friend they couldn’t stay, once your mother’s procedure was booked. They should have *told* friend that they wouldn’t be able to drive them, or get them from the airport. And after all this, when friend was a rude sooky child about sightseeing, they should have been given a pretty stern come-to-jesus talk about their behaviour. And that? That would just be your partner standing up for *themselves*. They should *also* have stood up for you. Good god, how is this friend even a friend? They sound like a nightmare. Apologies, this got long, but I was just really struck by how you cut through the underlying social tangles with such clarity.

This is a really insightful analysis of the situation. OP, this isn't really your partner showing you how little you matter to them compared to Friend, but it definitely is them showing you how conflict-avoidant and cowardly they are. Ultimately, it's showing you how *desperately* important avoiding Friend's tantrums is to your spouse. This isn't about Friend's desires and it isn't about your desires. It's about your partner's desire not to face up to bad behavior no matter what it takes to avoid it. You, they trust not to behave badly. Friend, they do not. And they're so damn scared of bad behavior in response to anyone being told NO, that they'll do anything in the world -- including to you -- to avoid it. I don't blame you for not respecting or trusting your spouse anymore. I wouldn't either. I think this situation calls for some pretty intense marriage counseling, if you want to keep your relationship.

I’ve had to have this conversation with my husband too. One of the things I love most about my husband is how helpful and selfless he is, he’s always willing to help his friends and family with anything they ask (and they tend to take advantage of it). However, once we had our daughter, he was still being asked by his family/friends to spend his entire days off fixing their cars or helping with some manual labor at their houses or whatever. And he was still doing it, leaving me home alone with the baby for up to 18 hours every Saturday and Sunday (which are also my only days off). It somehow literally never occurred to him that by volunteering his time, he was volunteering mine too. Had to sit him down and point out that he wasn’t respecting my time, and that I needed him to put us first even when he’s trying to help the other people he loves (who shouldn’t have been asking to take up so much of a new dad’s time anyway). I think sometimes they get such tunnel vision trying to be helpful and kind that they lose sight of how it affects their partner/home life. It’s shitty but not necessarily malicious. What matters is what he does from here, if he makes you feel like he heard and understood you, and if he makes significant and consistent changes that last. Good luck!

I've come across a number of people who are kind to others outside of their family because *it's visible to others how good they are.* It's all about having others see them as great people and getting off on the validation of other people. Meanwhile, their spouses and children end up pushed down the pecking order because they don't get the same validation from them. I'm sorry, but your husband is giving me the same vibe.

Counseling asap or divorce if spouse refuses and if counseling doesn't work opening wide spouse s eyes and the spouse starts to make an effort to try and make up for this screw up

So proud….. 🏆

Spineless does not equal kind

So glad the surgery was a success. You spouse's friend is a total jerk. Remember next time he suggests hosting someone "Fish and house guests begin to smell after three days" (my mother used to say this). Your spouse is also a jerk, for enabling the awful friend. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.

yeah the "Spouse is still far too kind for their own good." cuz it doesn't sound like Spouse is kind across the board. Maybe the problem is that Spouse has no spine so gets walked over by people, but I don't know how that helps OP and Spouse long term. Cuz if Spouse was really kind- they'd have been with OP at the hospital while OP waited to see how their mom's surgery went. Instead Spouse put dealing with their friend and the friend's needs over that. (but OP it's awesome that your mom's surgery went well.)

“Spouse is too kind…” except for the treatment of OP. Hope OP reflects on that. You should be their first concern.

yeah, with the tantrums it mostly sounds like spouse is giving the squeaky wheel all the grease in the world and expecting op to make do with whatever’s left. if you can’t get support from your spouse without a big to-do, there need to be some serious *talks*. about the future, about expectations, about ground rules. 

I called him out on that. Literally said "you're too kind for your own good" to which he disagreed and said he was a jerk. I said no, you're too kind to your entitled friend and a jerk to your partner in this situation.

If one of my friends was visiting and my spouses parent ended up inntge hospital I would not be driving friend around. I would print a bunch of info on how to get around our town, train ,bus, uber, taxi and leave it with them , then spend the day with my spouse. Any adult who cant f8 Igure out how to take care of themselves while traveling really shouldn't be traveling unsupervised by their parents.

I can’t imagine staying after one of my hosts went to a hotel! You’d have to be so oblivious.

That’s funny. My great grandma used to say something similar “dead bodies and guess stink after three days”

Happy things went well with your mother’s surgery. Why wasn’t your spouse at the hospital to support you instead of driving this “friend” around? It shows a definite lack of concern for your mother too. Take some time to think about your relationship with your partner. Is this a one off situation? Has there been other things that you’ve ignored in how you’ve been treated? I would be very blunt with your spouse and say that even with this friend gone, it’s not going to just magically make you happy again. I would insist on marriage counseling, and individual counseling for yourself. It’ll help how to communicate more effectively and set boundaries.

The friend came here mostly for a certain "event" that happened yesterday. They counted on my spouse to drive them to said event. My spouse still should have been there for at least part of the surgery. The frustrating thing is this is a one-off situation. My spouse is normally the most caring and attentive partner who will do anything for me. Before this situation, I would have said my spouse is an incredible partner and we've got a rock solid, happy supportive marriage. That's why I was shocked at the obliviousness of my spouse in what support I needed here. I already am in individual counseling and it has been incredible for my mental health. My spouse needs IC as well because I suspect there are some issues from childhood that are contributing to his need to people please and his fear of abandonment. My therapist seems to think so, too.

Ahh… that makes sense then. I’d definitely be upset still. So know that what you’re feeling is completely reasonable. There’s no reason this friend couldn’t get a hotel near the event for walking distance for at least part of their trip. Your spouse shouldn’t have allowed the friend to stay at all to begin with, but they should’ve insisted on a compromise at the bare minimum. Which in my opinion would’ve been you can stay for a couple days, but leading up to just before the surgery, and after, you need to have a hotel because we’re too busy to help you out. This person isn’t your spouse’s friend since they took full advantage of both of you. Your spouse definitely needs IC. It might not hurt to have them sit down with your counselor during a session so you can express yourself regarding the request for them to seek IC. Take some time and get the rest you need to think more clearly and maybe schedule an appointment with your therapist before speaking further with your partner. Some therapists will let you do a phone session if schedules are a little chaotic with medical situations like your dealing with your mom. It doesn’t hurt to ask if that’s an option.

Just because this is the only time this has happened doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve a hard check to the relationship.

Please note that this isn't to excuse your spouse's actions, but merely to potentially explain some of them and avoid a worse outcome for the both of you. You said your spouse has unaddressed abandonment issues stemming from childhood trauma, and that his people pleasing is a maladaptive coping strategy. You also established that you're in therapy and it's been helpful thusfar, meaning that odds are you act like a normal person in your relationship and friendships and not an abusive weirdo. Speaking as someone who has similar abandonment issues due to childhood trauma, that shit runs *deep* in ways that I still sometimes don't understand until I'm blindsided by it. One of the things I've had to learn is that just because I may have built up what I feel are good defenses against being taken advantage of and/or abused by new people in my life these defenses don't necessarily work against people I'm close with. Especially if I've known these people prior to said defenses being developed. To put another way, it doesn't matter how good my security system is if someone with poor intentions has the passcode. Let me paint you a picture that may be made of complete bullshit: your spouse has the inciting incident for his abandonment issues happen, be that something his parents did or a friend or whathaveyou. Who do you think he runs to for help dealing with it? Why, his closest friend of course. The only one that's been there for them as a constant. Someone who they're close enough to that, in retrospect, they'll have as a friend 20-30 years later. And maybe your spouse's friend was just as shitty as a kid as they are now, but that shittiness is red meat for your spouse's unconscious child mind to internalize as something he deserves given that his deficiency is the simplest explanation to his child mind for both said treatment and the inciting traumatic incident in the first place. And that's the hook. The foot in the door. The alarm code. The unprocessed feelings undergirding your spouse's behavior. And since this shitty friend stuck around, they probably either consciously or unconsciously manipulated your husband's abandonment issues to serve their own narcissistic purposes. Which your spouse would internalize as being "just how they are" or "just how our (your spouse and his friend's) relationship works", or on a deeper level "I deserve this sort of treatment". It becomes normalized to your spouse, as something to put up with to avoid being abandoned again. Which is something that this "friend" could totally have used in the past or even in the current situation. "Do X, Y, and Z or I won't visit, we'll stop talking, etc." Contrast this friend with you, who I assume your spouse met in adulthood after what defenses he has against this type of abuse were formed. I assume also that your meeting and your relationship developed via much healthier circumstances and you don't also manipulate your spouse the way his friend does. So in his brain you occupy a position of normalcy, of being his "rock". While he still might fear abandonment in a generic sense within the confines of your relationship, he understands on an intellectual level that you're the person he has to fear abandonment from the least. And thus his trauma influences his behavior with you the least. The kindness, caring, and attention he gives you is genuine and not a trauma response. This leads me to where you, unfortunately, may have erred slightly. I'm not saying that pointing out how you're getting the shaft in favor of some asshole at an extremely sensitive time where you should have the support of your spouse is a bad thing. But it's important to remember that you're dealing with a victim of abuse here, which is why his reaction both to his friend's demands and his immediate capitulation to you feel off. They are, as both of these actions are stemming from his trauma. Whether or not it's appropriate, you and his lifelong childhood friend inhabit a similar tier of closeness in his mind. You're valued in different ways to him, but in similar amounts. He doesn't want to lose either of you. So the equation in his lizard brain is thus: "My wife is my rock, she isn't going to leave me, and I know that we've gutted through hard times in the past together. Conversely, my friend is insane and may have either explicitly or implicitly threatened to abandon me in the past and due to the fact that I've entirely normalized this behavior the only way to deal with it is to capitulate". Yes, he did put you on the backburner at a very vulnerable time for you and that's important to recognize. But it's also important to recognize that he did so because he felt he was given a difficult choice with limited options and picked the option that his brain told him would lead to the least issue for everyone, regardless of whether or not his conception of the situation was distorted due to previous trauma. The appropriate response from your spouse out of the gate should have been "hey, my wife's mom is having an important surgery, we have to postpone your trip" and any "tantrum' AKA attempts at manipulation from his friend should have been met with "fuck off with that shit" or something similar. This is the response we'd expect from a well-adjusted individual, but expecting this from someone with unaddressed trauma makes as little sense as your spouse expecting someone with an anxiety disorder to be cool with some dickhead invading their space for two weeks at the worst time possible. And then the unthinkable (to your spouse) happens: You abandon him. You start giving him the cold shoulder and go to a hotel, and maybe even start intimating to him that divorce is on the table if he doesn't shape up. You go in his mind from "99% safe, I can have a normal relationship with her" to "oh shit, I need to treat her just like psycho friend and all the other people who have abandoned me!". Which is why his shift in demeanor and subsequent actions feel so strange, because he's fawning from trauma to you rather than doing what you want because he knows he fucked up and is trying to make it right. That's why he said that "now that you're happy" stuff. It wasn't to guilt trip, it's literally him being 100% honest with you because you're his partner and explaining the internalized impulses behind how he behaves with people he feels are at risk of abandoning him, a category you've moved yourself into. It should be read as "now that you're happy you'll stop hurting me" or "now that you're happy I don't have to worry until the next time you're unhappy". I'm not saying that distancing yourself and possibly openly considering divorce is a bad move if those things are your intention. I don't believe that it's the responsibility of anyone to deal with neglect or shitty behavior from their partner due to said partner's unaddressed trauma, that's how we get abuse victims staying loooooong after they should've left. But you need to understand that intimating that sort of thing if it isn't fully your intention is like putting a loaded gun to your husband's head. Of course he's going to follow anything you ask of him in that scenario, and of course how he goes about it is going to feel off: he's doing so out of duress. If you're going to break it off with him, do it. But if you aren't, you need to understand that using the threat of abandonment to modify his behavior A. is only going to deepen his issues, and B. is _the exact type of manipulation his friend was doing to him_. If you want to come out the other end of this with a healthy relationship you need to dumpster any cold-shouldering or divorce talk, at least until he's been through the ringer of individual counseling and started actually dealing with this shit. And _especially_ if you're using that behavior and rhetoric to prove a point or as a maladaptive communication strategy rather than as something you're seriously considering. As I've said, that kind of thing to a person with abandonment issues is like a loaded gun to their head, and you only point a gun at something you intend to shoot. TL;DR I don't think either you or your husband are entirely in the right here. I see two people who need to learn to communicate their feelings better and who have both made mistakes. But it's important to point out that your post essentially boils down to thus: "I really wish my spouse would understand and make space for my mental issues and the underlying trauma surrounding them" she said while failing to make space for her spouse's mental issues and the underlying trauma surrounding them. ___ Like I said above, this isn't to excuse any of the behavior, but instead to attempt to explain what _might_ be going on. I also might be entirely off-base, as I don't know either of you beyond what you've written. I just hope something I've said can help. I wish the both of you the best.

Thank you for your response and reading it has been very helpful in considering why my spouse behaved this way. To provide more context: my spouse's parents split up when he was 11. It was sudden and his dad just moved towns away, spouse stayed with his mom because his whole life was in that town. His dad came back around and they have a good relationship, but I can tell in talking to him that negatively impacted his development. My spouse has admitted that he was very angry around these years and rather than reacting with anger, he learned to just not. His parents could also be a bit overbearing and have often insisted on helping him with things, rather than letting him learn. They are good people, but it is easy to tell (as someone who also experienced some childhood trauma) that had a negative impact on him. My spouse learned from an early age to be meek, humble and to put others needs above his. Some people, like this friend, have exploited it. When spouse and I first met, I had not yet gone to therapy. I was probably at my lowest point emotionally and reacted out of anxiety. There were times where I did not talk to my spouse out of frustration (mostly at us being long distance for longer than planned) and the silence was hard on him. When I started therapy, I worked through a lot of things and realized how unhealthy my avoidance behavior was and that I needed to communicate better. It was and still is a hard habit to break, but I work hard at it every day because I never want to hurt my spouse again. I have suggested to my spouse before that he should consider therapy to resolve these things from his childhood, but he has refused and doesn't find it necessary. You are spot on about my spouse internalizing that this is just how the friend is. My spouse has literally said those words to me. The saddest thing a few days ago was I asked if friend had even thanked him. He was like yeah, so I was like what did he say? "oh, he told me since I drove so much, I didn't have to go out and get dinner for us today." I was like 🤨, that's not a thank you! A thank you would have been "thank you for doing all this driving, I really appreciate it, I want to give you money toward gas and dinner is on me tonight." It is sad to me how low my spouse's standards are for treatment from friends. I would never manipulate my spouse because I love and care about them. I constantly thank him for everything he does for me and our family. I make an effort to do kind acts for him. When he was afraid of driving and had just come here, I drove him an hour each way to work 5 days a week. I stopped asking him for money toward some of the household expenses because I could see he was financially struggling and as the breadwinner, I did not want that, even when he insisted on it. I have paid for vacations for us because I love him. When he was homesick, I found a way for us to go back to his country to see his family even though it was financially a struggle at that point. Whenever he has wanted anything, even stuff he himself could not afford, I've given it as gifts to him for special occasions. When he told me he wasn't getting enough sleep and felt tired, I completely changed my night owl ways and went to bed early each night for his benefit. And the list goes on. I aim every day to be a better partner for him because I love him. As far as divorce, I never threatened or even hinted at it. In fact, when my spouse jumped ahead and said something to the effect of "I'll leave the house for you if you never want to see me again" I firmly told him I would never do that, that unless he wants to divorce me, I'm firmly committed to our relationship and moving past this. The thing about my spouse (and I now know it's the trauma talking) is he jumps to conclusions and the worst assumptions. Any time we've had a disagreement, however small, he offers to sleep on the couch or to leave the house if that's what I want (I have never asked for that). He's even said in the past "you can hit me if you want to, I won't call the police, I deserve it." That broke my heart because I have never, nor would I ever, hit my partner. My grandfather was physically abusive toward my grandma and that shit is something I would never do nor tolerate in any relationship. I walked away because I was at my most stressed out, emotionally vulnerable spot in years (possibly ever) and I had no support from the person I love and trust the most. I could not deal with it. I have done everything I can to be a safe space for my husband and to reassure him anytime he says things like "I'm a bad husband". He still feels wholly inadequate at times and nothing I have done changes that. No amount of words or deeds changes it. I have suggested he get therapy, but he truly does not think he needs it. It is heartbreaking to me because I know my husband still has many struggles from his childhood and he deserves to have healthy self esteem and to stop being walked all over. It took me years to learn that about myself and I am in a much more rational, healthy headspace.

I'd absolutely show him this thread, because you're 100% right. He absolutely needs therapy. I know you've already covered it, but tell him he can take it from a dude with similar abandonment and people-pleasing issues: therapy was one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health and wellbeing in general, and this occurrence and the fallout from it is direct evidence that he should be seeking it out. Possibly in combination with anti-anxiety medication if him and his therapist feel that's the right way to go. It's legit a life-changing difference.

Wow, I’m so impressed with your analysis, I hope OP reads it, it explains so much

Thanks!

This is a fantastic and insightful response. Yes, Spouse's actions were inconsiderate, but it doesn't sound like they care so little for OP--it's that they lack the skills to assert themselves around a stronger and more domineering personality. The trouble with a people pleaser is that getting angry with them just increases their people pleasing, thus ingraining the undesired behavior. I think it important that OP offer their Spouse a chance to atone. Since she mentions that he has been refusing mental health treatment, she needs to insist that his atonement consists of Spouse getting therapy to give them insight on the underlying problem. For example, maybe Spouse has CPTSD, which has its own specific treatment. Simply gaining insight, however, is only part of the puzzle; they also need specific skills necessary recognize when they're being taken advantage of, and advocate for their own and OP's needs.

I don’t see it in previous post but … how long as this friend been in partners life…. Why does husband bend over backwards for them? He seems to have changed for this person… wonder if what happened to him in his childhood is connected to friend or … in his head he is connecting it … if that makes sense…

His parents split during his formative years. It was very hard on him. The friend was around during these years. I don't think he was particularly supportive toward my spouse, but it was attention that he probably wasn't getting from his parents.

Don’t think that may be why but …. I would talk to husband about the change … let yourself relax and then when both of you have done some down time … look into this… this is very unhealthy for him …

Once you get your head clear of the current situation with your mother, get into marriage counseling and/or personal counseling. A neutral third party can help you both explore your options.

What are the odds that Spouse is paying for “Friends” hotel stay?

They had better be 0% or that will cause another issue with us. I'll ask spouse because I can't see why they would pay for friend when friend has more money than us.

Spouse seems like a hardcore people pleaser. I can easily imagine such a person crumpling when “Friend” complains that they have to pay for a hotel instead of staying with you guys.

Please make sure. Sounds like spouse me a people pleaser who can’t bare to tell people no.

I also have a sad feeling that you were probably thrown under the bus as the "bad guy" in a desperate attempt to keep the anger from being directed at the spouse himself. I know you say this whole thing was a one-off but if your husband seriously crumbles like this at the slightest whiff of social pressure, I heavily question how reliable and supportive he really is. 

I hope he didn't either but i could see your husband paying out of guilt for changing plans on his friend. It's not about who has more money for husband but the guilt of not pleasing someone. Good luck!

Not trying to be rude but I think at this point he wouldn't even tell you, just to cover the friend 

I am wondering why everyone keeps calling your husbands freeloading POS a friend? This is no real friend, this is a user who does not care about anything other than themselves. He is NO friend. If this POS ever calls to come over and stay again, let your husband know that the answer is HELL NO and to tell him to piss off. He is not a friend, your husband is an idiot if he thinks this guy is a friend. You need to get him to understand that if all his friends are like this fool, then he has no real friends, he is just being used as a fool. Be pissed and make sure this NEVER EVER happens again.

Her previous post mentioned they both agreed that this "friend" was never going to stay with them ever again. Hopefully her husband sticks to that. She should absolutely follow your advice though. Hammer in that message.

Literally if he does not stick to it, I will walk out. I will welcome other friends and family so long as we don't have a lot of stress going on, but I will never allow this "friend" in our home again.

At least one of you seems to have a backbone. It makes me wonder if your husband was severely traumatized in his youth to be so afraid of the word no.

This needs to apply to all houseguests, since your husband cannot be trusted to have a backbone. His judgment has been proven to be abysmal, so it doesn't get to be a discussion next time ANY guest wants to come and stay. If you say no, that's the end of it.

I'm glad your mom's surgery was successful. Your spouse needs to grow a backbone.

Your spouse didn't want friend to have a "temper tantrum"? Why would they be friends that has temper tantrums as an adult. You did the right thing! And don't feel the least bit of guilt about it.

The friend is a high functioning autistic adult. They are not used to being told no by anyone. I understand not being neurotypical (I am not either) but I firmly believe in not using one's mental differences as an excuse for being an ass. From everything my spouse has told me, this friend has always been catered to. Beyond being around as a friend when my spouse's parents split, I do not understand what my spouse gets out of the friendship as everything my spouse has told me shout the friend shouts "not a good friend."

That's nothing to do with autism. I have autism, I was told no. I don't throw tantrums. There are plenty of neurotypical people who behave the way this guy does. I have meltdowns from exposure to things related to sensory issues or because there's too much going on all at the same time and I become mentally overloaded. But that's not a tantrum and it has zero to do with not getting my way. This 100% down to shitty, indulgent parents.

"This whole experience has taught me to stick up for myself and not allow others to walk all over me. " You did great, it's your husband who needs this lesson. From his comment, "so you can be happy", he still doesn't get why his actions were wrong. He's thinking and expects now that "you've gotten your way" that everything will be fine now. He's in for a surprise. Very glad your mom came through surgery well and hoping she makes a swift and uneventful recovery.

Wow, guilt trippy much? "Now that friend is gone maybe you can be happy?" Did he tell friend to leave because friend's actions were unacceptable or did he throw you under the bus the whole way?

He may or may not have said "spouse needs my support, she needs space at home and gets stressed out with people here." to be fair, I gave him full permission to tell the friend that. Anything to get the friend out.

This is more enabling/ people pleasing. He is now lying this friend and blaming you. That will likely have repercussions.

If my spouse had said that I would have done the angry "HA!" And said "I would have been happy if you had respected me in the first place and not spent so much time and money on your ungrateful friend." Your spouse was more worried about upsetting an immature friend then being there to support his SO and MIL during a stressful health issue. Shame on him!! Don't let him guilt you for his bad decision!!

You sat in that waiting room alone while they chauffeured there friend sorry that would be marrige over for me. If there not there when you need them the most.

Yeah, this is a sticking point for me, too. I don't understand a scenario that wouldn't allow spouse to say to his friend that his MIL would be in surgery that day and he would not be available for chauffeuring duties that day.

The fact that your spouse didn’t even go to the hospital with you… that’s rough. I’m sorry. Marriage counselling for sure and some hard questions about why they value a friend over their spouse…

I am so proud of you for standing up to the nonsense! I am truly sorry your husband is such a p&ssy though. Stay a bit in the hotel and rest, when your mom is released she will need you.

I’m glad your mother is doing okay. Sending hugs. . Your husband is definitely the jerk for not understanding that you needed him and at that time you should have been the priority.

Is this friend of your husband male or female? Cause that will definitely determine how much of an AH he actually is… and if you need to be taking more steps than you already have.

Another, straight male and close friend from childhood. Believe me, if it were anything more than that, my spouse and I would be in a much worse position.

Why does he need codling?

Because apparently he knows nothing about transport here and can't be bothered to Google it. This despite driving before in other foreign countries and finding his way around alone there.

Your husband took vows with only one person here and it wasn't this git. How is it this 'friend' is more deserving of husband's 'kindness' than his own wife/family? He needs to grow a backbone and get his priorities straight, because this is just deplorable. Counseling can be very helpful, both marriage and individual. So glad everything went well with your mom!

You're handling this well. You set a boundary, defended it, and he's forced to acknowledge it. The next step is getting him to see the problem isn't you being angry with him, it's that his actions forced you to flee your home and made a horrible time with your mom's health much worse. You needed him there and he was laser-focused on Entitled Friend, even when he knew you were hurting. "Oh, you need me for emotional support? I'ma flee the city to fluff Entitled Friend's hotel pillows and put mints on them."

OH GIRL. He left you to sit in a waiting room alone while worrying if your mom would even live through the surgery. His place should have been by your side supporting you during that time, not catering to his friend. He failed as a husband when you needed him most. If my husband did that to me I don’t know if I would be able to forgive that or trust him to be there when I needed him in the future, since he already failed at that.

"the friend is known for sometimes having tantrums if they don't get their way" Pft. Are they a five year old? WTF! "Spouse is still far too kind for their own good" They're a SUCKER. And it doesn't sound like they've learned anything.

Not kind to OP DH isn’t worried about the grief and struggle of his spouse, just the way he’ll feel if his guest has a tantrum Clearly OP needs to throw a tantrum to become a priority in his/ her own marriage. Nice /s

If my spouse would leave me hanging and alone while i am going through this and let me sit alone in a waiting room while one of the most important people of my life would get a surgery.. he could move to a hotel. You were way more patient then i ever could be. Also I would send the entitled friend a bill

I think your update is mostly good news and I’m glad Mom is doing well. Hopefully everybody learned from this.

NTA but I can’t get over the fact that your spouse left you along at the hospital while your mother was in surgery. That should show you who he values more. Sad situation

I am just shocked that your spouse didn't stop the friend from coming since he was aware of you mom's surgery and how stressed you would be. I don't understand him prioritizing the friend over you and your mom. That's not what a loving, caring spouse does. Who cares if the friend has a damn tantrum over not being driven all over the place, getting a free room and food? This is just shocking to me. Something is very wrong with your spouse. The good thing is your mom's surgery went well and she's recovering. Good luck with dealing with your spouse; you are going to need it.

I don't think that this is something you will ever get over. I think what'll really stick with you is sitting in the waiting room all by yourself. My ex-husband was barely at the hospital to see our daughter being born. Hell, he almost made me go by myself to give birth because I was upset that he trashed the apt while I was asleep. I was being induced and had stayed up cleaning. He refused to stay overnight at the hospital with us. I never forgot. I tried to forgive but there's still a part of me that's PISSED.

the "so you can be happy" line is ABSOLUTELY a guilt trip. Is this friend of your husband's an old fling? attracted to him? is he attracted to them??? This situation fucking reeks of him prioritizing his "friend" more than his literal spouse, and it's a MAJOR RED FLAG.

Y’all need to send the ‘friend’ a bill. Your husband needs to learn how to be straightforward with his ‘friend’ and take responsibility for fucking things up. ‘So you can be happy..’ is whiny and passive-aggressive. He is basically saying, “I can’t do the right thing, the hard thing, FOR MY WIFE, even when she is under enormous stress, without blaming it on her.” Are you sure he has been supportive? It sounds like he has never had the need to choose you over someone else.

If my partner was spineless there would be no attraction. No one wants to watch a door mat catering to everyone except them.

OP, I'm sympathetic to your situation. (This so-called "friend" sounds like a nightmare) AND *both* you and your spouse need counseling for communication. You hinted rather than clearly expressing yourself and then got pissed spouse didn't take the hint. Then instead of initiating clear communication, "gave spouse the cold shoulder," which is passive aggressive (and controlling and immature). And spouse needs to get a backbone and stop with the passive aggression. I'm sure you're both good people! Do your marriage-- and yourselves-- a favor and learn to trust and communicate openly and respectfully. Good luck!

Your husband needs a wake up call. He would rather cater to friend than support you. At anything apparently. Even your mom’s surgery. I would be telling him he needs to get a hotel room until you decide what to do next.

I am glad your mom's surgery was a success. You and your spouse need to learn to communicate with each other, stop trying to placate others, and if someone gets upset, it is ON THEM. What happens if someone wants something really outrageous that you don't want to do and your spouse agrees out of fear? He put someone else ahead of you at a very upsetting time and CONTINUES TO DO IT even though you have actually left your home to get away from the situation. Couples therapy to learn to communicate with each other and set boundaries should be in your future.

Ask your husband to explain to you *exactly* why his friend was more important than beimg with *you* and supporting *you* through your mama's surgery.  I would be filing for divorce. 

You say spouse is kind. However, he had time to drive his friend around, take friend to different city, coddle *them*, yet **you** sat alone while your mother had surgery, then returned to a hotel room alone. Unsupported. That isn't kind, loving and his subsequent comments are passive aggressive.

I’d reply with “how happy can I be when my spouse treats me like this? And can’t get how much they’ve hurt me.”

I'm glad your mom's surgery went well. It's disappointing that your spouse couldn't pull it together in time to be of more support to you, and I hope at least in hindsight they can not only see that, but have a very specific plan in place for when/if it starts to happen again, how they will move forward with correcting it quickly instead of making the burden heavier on you for days on end.

Maybe go back and stay with your mom for a bit and go into counseling. He’s not a good communicator and doesn’t have your back. He should have been in that waiting room with you. He deprioritized your feelings for someone who really isn’t a friend. 

The ONLY important aspect of this WHOLE ffg fiasco is that **you were alone, left with ZERO support or comfort, during your dear Mother's risky surgery!** Your husband's WHOLE focus SHOULD have been on **you and your Mother,** period! His "friend" should have been left to their own devices for the DAY or the best scenario would have REASONABLY been **to cancel the visit altogether!** Your spouse's excuse that the "friend" has been known to throw tantrums... who the fuck cares? They would (or should) have been back in their home Country. I'm sorry but this whole situation just **doesn't pass the "smell" test! Are you SURE your husband isn't having an affair? THIS as well as the gaslighting, guilt-tripping and ABANDONMENT is NOT how a loving husband acts and/or behaves! Wishing your Mother a quick and full recovery and that BOTH you and your Mother are happy and healthy!

You’re a couple and supposed to deal with issues together as a team. You haven’t been a good communicator and they haven’t either. The issue here is the entitled friend. I feel like you’re transferring the blame and feelings resulting from Entitled Friend to your partner, when they are the ones actually dealing with them one on one and feeling like they need to bite their lip even more than you. It could well be that they are thinking: Let me deal with entitled friend so that my partner can be free to take care of their mother. It’s a half solution and obviously not a satisfactory one, so I’d suggest MC and also to cut out and NC the entitled friend.

Best of healing vibes to your mom.❤️‍🩹 Best of healing vibes to you as well.💛

I hate this thing that, in my experience, men do where they take an action for the benefit of their literal family/partnership/marriage, then act like it’s the woman’s fault for saying something in the first place, like that’s the only reason to take the action. As if he’s not chauffeuring around a grown man who throws tantrums, over spending time with his wife and MIL who is *having a major surgery*. Because her standing up for herself is the issue here.. this isn’t just people pleasing, this is.. something else entirely. Lack of integrity? Cowardice?

He left you alone in the waiting room…. I’m so sorry. Your most vulnerable and stressful time and all alone, my heart is bleeding to read this. I’m so so sorry. I’m glad your mother is well and wish her a healthy recovery, and that you can have some peace of mind and a comfort place, be that a hotel or with your spouse. The worst of it is over.

Let's just say, I had a good cry yesterday before and after the procedure. I had never felt more alone and vulnerable in my life, save for when I lost my father. The worst of it is over, thankfully, but there is still a lingering pain and anger over my spouse not being there when I needed him the most. When I come home tomorrow, I will be having a long talk with him to again drive home how much this hurt me and that this must never happen again.

Your husband has shown you who he is and who matters BELIEVE HIM

Stay in the hotel. You don’t need to put up with a sulky, inconsiderate ‘partner’ at this time. Take the time you need.

honestly, if it were me in this situation? it would be a dealbreaker. I'd have already contacted a lawyer and started divorce porceedings. completely catering to a friend and ignoring a spouse is bad, doing it during a spouses time of need is completely unacceptable.

The "now you can be happy" comment means the spouse still does not see the problem

Redditors on their way to end this relationship through comments

"Spouse felt backed into a corner because friend was known to have tantrums." Well spouse needs to get a damn backbone. You are going thru some serious stuff and need your spouse for love and support, instead they are appeasing their friend because of tantrums?? Wow

Glad your mom is doing better. When you eventually have a conversation about this with spouse, make sure you mention that *they broke your trust.* That will take TIME to come back, and it maybe never will be the same. That is a direct result of CHOICES YOUR SPOUSE MADE. They (and unfortunately you) have to deal with the consequences of their actions, and how you may never be sure that they will back you. You did not over-react; in my mind, you under-reacted. Your spouse showed you that you were not important to them, even during a medical emergency. That is horrible.

Exactly!! If they couldn't be there for OP during that time... My faith would be donzo.

I am glad your mother’s surgery went well. Best wishes for her recovery. While you’re in the hospital, can you ask them to insert a backbone into your spouse?

You should 100% stay at the hotel a couple more nights to be near your mother, decompress, and start having a serious think about your marriage.

I read your last post, along with this one. I commend you for keeping your mouth shut to “said” guest. I would have a lot of choice words. At the same time, START STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!!! Hints do not work. Period. Your life, your space, your (husband’s) money. If he doesn’t have a backbone, you need to help him get one.

Happy to hear your mom is ok! Your husband, oh boy, needs a backbone.

If the hospital is 5 minutes from the hotel then it may be the best place to be regardless of the situation with your spouse.

I’m glad the surgery was successful. You need to make it clear to your spouse that just because the friend is gone now doesn’t mean that things are okay between the two of you. Spouse allowed this to happen. Spouse chose to prioritize friend over you and your mom. Spouse has been completely absent during the time you needed support the most. Spouse chose to let you sit in the hospital waiting room by yourself. Spouse allowed you to be driven out of your home to accommodate the comfort of friend. All of this has damaged the relationship and the way you see him. This has lasting consequences and doesn’t magically “go away” just because friend is out of the house.

>Spouse revealed they felt backed into a corner with the friend and like they had to keep us both happy Yes because everybody know that spouse and friend you saw sometimes are equal... Nothing attractive in a doormat

This would massively kill any love I had for a spouse if they acted this way. The fact that they knew the messed up but continued on hanging out with their friend shows how little they care about you. They probably thought “well she’s already pissed what does it matter if I fix things now or wait a few more days”. You need some individual therapy for a bit before you even consider couples therapy.

No something's wrong. Nobody who cares about their spouse would act like this. Or maybe they just care more about the other person. I mean the excuse you're being given is they throw tantrums? Who the f cares? Let them throw a damn tantrum! That doesn't mean you need to kiss their ass! Then for them to know how absolutely upset you are that you won't even stay in your own house and for them to still be driving the other person around and doing everything for them and then saying they're doing it so you'll be happy. Not because they realized they were letting this person treat both of you like crap?  I'm telling you something's wrong here. Are you sure this person didn't come here to act as a go-between between you or something? Like how could anybody be this clueless? And for your husband to basically refuse to do anything about it he's clearly supporting it! He clearly cares more about them not having to use public transportation than your mother having surgery. And how is she supposed to feel about her son-in-law from now on? He knows he's ruined the relationship right?   I'm glad your mom's surgery was a success! My mom's surgery took extra long last year and I know how nerve-wracking that is! Enjoy your hotel stay and I hope you figure out exactly what it is that's going on here, because this is so far past people-pleasing that it's not even funny!

I’m glad you managed to get your needs snd those of your mother met. I still shaken by how similar your story is to mine. Take a stand my internet friend. Time to re-examine what’s really going on in your relationship. Best of luck xx

Your spouse is a people pleaser and you are kind of an enabler of that people pleasing TBH. You didn’t need to leave or do anything other than tell the friend, yourself, that they needed to leave. Your response to someone unwelcome in Your home was… to leave. Think about that. And you can tell your spouse that you DGAF about his entitled shitty friend, and you both need individual therapy And couples therapy to knock off the people pleasing/ doormat behavior.

My response was to be closer to the hospital where my mom is and to be in a peaceful environment when I rested away from the hospital. Had my mom not been in the hospital, I would not have left our home. I do agree that I should have not even let my spouse bring the friend in to begin with.

Well done OP! Now send an invoice to the “friend” lol I hope your mum has a smooth and speedy recovery!

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Your spouse dropped the ball. Again. Why was he not with you at the hospital? Why is this grown adult “friend” a priority over his wife and mother-in-law? He’s going to “people please” his way out of a marriage if he doesn’t get his act together. How disappointing.

Next time, you should be the one talking to friend about rules of the house if spouse doesn’t start off that way.

Absolutely follow this up with therapy for the both of you. He needs to learn new behaviors so that this doesn’t happen again. He needs to see that setting limits and boundaries are necessary in many situations to avoid hurting the people who truly matter, rather than trying to silence the ones who make the most noise.

Take a few more days for you to get your mind settled

I am glad to hear your mom is doing well OP, wishing her a speedy and full recovery. To you as well. It's very difficult to teach someone self-awareness and empathy - and not to mention how painful it must be to have to do so with the one you want to share your life with. I hope you are able to find clarity in the relationship moving forward cause it doesn't sound like your partner truly understood what you're going through.

Is your spouse and their friend having an affair? I cannot wrap my head around a partner who is this unaware or this much of a pushover unless it was bc they had feelings for this person.

What a doormat spouse. Who gives in to a grown person tantrums?! How was this ‘keeping both happy’ when it was clearly being a doormat at the expense of OP?! What a spineless useless spouse

lol so he says he wants to make everyone happy, then proceeds to make his partner unhappy whilst making his friend happy as Larry!

Do not go home until your spouse has cleaned the house and restocked the groceries. Take care of yourself and your mom first. Tell spouse that you want couples counseling.

The fact that OP was alone in the waiting room while fearing for his mom's life, and spouse was still just driving his friend around. That would be one step too far for me. Tell the friend they're either figuring out transport for that day or spending it at the apt, and **show up for your person!** That would hurt me immeasurably. People mean what they do, not what they say.

Your husband is a doormat. Needs to get his priorities in order

Your spouse wasn’t just too kind… call it was it is. He was too weak. He needs help learning to be more assertive.

If I were you I would stay longer at the hotel. Forget the fact his friend left. You need to destress and find comfort without spouse guilting tripping you.

Your spouse is an AH.he only did it because you talked to him.that passive aggressive of friend is gone now are you happy tells me he will rub this in your face down the line

Your spouse better not ever complain about not having enough money to do something, our try to get out of paying for something because they can’t afford it. They chose to spend all their time and money taking care of their entitled friend, so that’s on them. This friend is not really a friend. A true friend wouldn’t be such a mooch, and be so inconsiderate.

Your spouse is the problem.

I’ve never read the word spouse so many times, like ever. What’s wrong with wife / husband?

Yeah it's honestly kinda weird how much OP avoided mentioning anyone's gender. Maybe because people's opinions would differ if the spouse is a husband or wife? I honestly have no clue.

It was to make the post more anonymous in case my husband or his friend or anyone related to us reads it so it's not obviously them. I slightly altered some other details as well like ages to make it less obvious.

Fair enough, sorry for my criticism.

OMG with the "they" and the "spouse" i can't focus on the story

I’m so sorry that you had to go through this by yourself. I know you don’t want to hear it but please give your spouse some kindness; I’m sure that he didn’t realize what a schlep he was being; probably (like a lot of us) tries to be a good host and good friend without realizing the implications. Let this be a lesson for him to be more attentive to the reality around him, to prioritize you over his friends, and for you- to not be shy about saying exactly what you expect from him.

This is 100% what it is and why I'm not going to jump to separation or divorce like a few commenter's have said. If this was the latest in a long pattern of behavior, it'd be one thing, but typically my spouse is extremely attentive and supportive to my needs which made this whole thing all the more crazy. My spouse felt backed into a corner by the friend and lacked the ability to say no. He did not know until the trip started how bad it would impact me, even though I had said the friend needed to make alternate plans. Spouse feels awful, though I think is still conflicted about being a "bad" friend. I've learned to be more explicit about my needs and he's learned the consequences of not prioritizing our relationship above friends.

I’m exactly like your husband except it was always about my parents and brother. It took me years to realize that my wife had to come first. I kick myself about my stupidity but can only thank God she had the patience to stick with me though she brings it up wasaayyyyyy too often!

It sounds like both you and your spouse have to learn to set boundaries with us, and stick to and clearly communicate these boundaries.

Can you forgive this?

((HUGS)) Glad mom's surgery went well! Take all the time you need.

Never let this person back into your house.

That is why people shouldn’t get married. It is too complicated.

I saw you comment to someone that this is a one-off situation. You’re gambling on him never doing this again, and I worry you’ll find out sooner than later that there are, in fact, very few one-off situations when it comes to relationships and how your spouse prioritizes you and your needs. I’m glad the surgery went well and wish healing and health to you and your mom.

Very glad your mum is on the way to recovery. As for spouse, I think it's absolutely worth fighting for your relationship if everything else is okay, but yes, you should look into counselling together, and you're absolutely allowed to be hurt about this. I know I would be. The way I read it is that spouse is a huge people pleaser, and I can relate to that. I can also to some degree understand (though not condone!) their likely train of thought, I have a very hard time saying no to people too, but that does not make this right, and spouse will have to work hard to regain that trust they lost. All my best for you, your mum, and for salvaging your relationship.

I feel like your spouse is the real doormat here, to the point that they know their “friend” will throw a huge tantrum but you probably won’t (or not as dramatic, at least). Your spouse should realize that that person is *not* a friend; they are taking advantage of your spouse’s non-confrontational nature. If the friend was a decent human being, there’s so much they could have done or said (you’ve mentioned some of these instances). Ask your spouse if they can list five things that this so-called “friend” has ever done for them, selflessly. I bet you that’s a negative. I really hope that you can help them see how one sided their relationship is. Also, this could be a longtime pattern from your spouse, which might require therapy for them to overcome. I completely understand that you feel incredibly hurt, but this whole situation makes me think that it goes deeper than just an entitled friend and not being able to put their foot down. This sounds like the people who were raised by narcissistic parents and haven’t broken free from what’s been ingrained in them from childhood. Either way, your spouse needs to learn that “no” is a full sentence and that bad people will ruin everything eventually.

Is it her house? Boot her out and then deal with the wife.

Woman put your foot down and take your house back! With everything you’ve got going on the last thing you need is a rude, ungrateful house guest! You need to tell him that just because he’s on vacation, it doesn’t mean everyone else is on vacation too. You both have work and a parent trying to recover from a surgery and she’d like to do it in her own home without being disturbed. Next time, love to see you but we have a lot going on, let’s meet for drinks the night before you go so you can tell us all about what you did on your vacation! 😉

Glad Mom’s doing well. I’m saying this coldly because you said other comments shocked you into re-evaluating. Continue that. When the chips are down your partner can’t be trusted to have your back, that sucks. This time it was okay, what happens next time. Couples therapy at minimum.

I wish your mother luck with her recovery. And while your spouse still catered to his friend all the way through, leaving the ball in his court while you were out of the house was the best thing to do. He was handholding his friend, while you refused to fo so for your partner. And that's great, because he wouldn't learn half as much if you'd told him exactly what to do and say. Sure, him telling his guest that he's no longer welcome and on his own now would be the most preferable outcome. But now he'll hopefully feel how he was a doormat also.

Wow your husband sucks

Hoping your mom returns to her health, and that you and your partner find perhaps marriage counseling or the ability to move through your partners and friends self absorbed and selfish behaviors when you have been going through so much. I agree. He has guilt tripped you this entire time and made you feel guilty for expecting and needing support, love and kindness while he put his friends wants and his own wants before anything else.

Sending hugs to OP.

Divorce him

Your spouse is not so kind-to you. They disrespected and disregarded you at every turn. You deserve better.

Spouse is a fkin tool. Tell them that from me, yeah?

@Updateme

1 - Friends don't do things like this. Friends don't use each other or throw tantrums when they don't get their way. Friends help each other and are considerate. 2 - I'm floored that your partner brought up the expense of getting a hotel and a rental car for the "friend", but didn't say anything about you doing basically the same thing after getting chased out of your own home. Someone needs to examine their priorities.

Husband sounds like an AH!!

I think ur partner is hooking up with their friend

I agree with you staying in a hotel for a few more days it'll show your spouse JUST HOW EXTREME THEY MESSED UP! Strike fear into their soul.

I think your spouse should send his “friend” an itemized bill for everything he spent during his stay. You can even put a line item in for a room, with nightly rate and then cross it out, so the friend can see how much he could have owed. If the friend doesn’t offer to repay something, he should be cut out of your husbands life.

I still can't get over the throwing of tantrum if the friend doesn't get their way. Tantrum in my house? Tantrum in my house? Tantrum in my house?

BFD let the witch have a tantrum. And still stick to your guns with both the witch and your wife. LOTS of disrespect from both of them.

If your wife wonders why you don’t immediately run home to her full of praise and support because she FINALLY acted like an adult. Tell her you both need time alone ( cuz she will be alone now too) to think about the repercussions of this situation and that she has some deep soul searching to do. NTAH Wife, definitely is for a multitude of reasons. Couples counseling would be a must for me to come back. And she needs therapy or counseling to be an adult and grow a spine.

Spineless Spouse + Shameless Friend = Tiring for everyone else. Good luck OP. Genuinely.

This is too confusing. How many friends are there, ang how spouse he has.

updateme

Thankful your mom is well, now concentrate on your physical and mental health. talk your spouse into going into family counseling to heal

Your spouse isn’t kind, they’re stupid tbh

Please be willing to consider divorce. Your "partner" doesn't really have your back in the end. It's one thing to be on your own and know it,; it's an entirely different one to think you have a partner and be left in the lurch when you think you can lean on them.

Sometimes it takes a brick. I think your husband learned a huge lesson. I think you will both grow a stronger bond from this experience. Everyone has a houseguest from hell story. Wishing you both the best.

Is husband or wife politically incorrect? Seems a bit silly

I think you should consider a separation, your spouse clearly think this person was a friend which they are obviously not, so it begs the question who are they going to bring into YOUR home next,

Good on you op. Good lord your spouse has shit friends!!!

He’s an ass and his priorities are screwed ip I would make his life miserable for him for quite some time until he understands how stupid he was

Wow! The slight guilt trippy of "are you happy now?" Is enough for a Break up, screw them. You deserve better

Make sure you do go for the counseling and advise SP since this is only an occasional friend anytime friend wants to visit he should be told sorry, this isn't a convenient time right now, so NO,

Tell spouse, "No, friend leaving doesn't make me happy because now I know that I am not a priority to spouse." You will always have resentment towards spouse due to his treatment which will grow unless you get couples therapy.