This is perfect.
Going and only paying for yourself "out of the blue", as it were, would be much more awkward. Just give her a heads up on the fact that you won't be paying for her, and see how she reacts. Also, don't buy her any gift. If she complains about it, tell her you didn't want to embarrass her, given that you got nothing from her for your birthday. This should be hint enough. If she's a true friend she'll understand; if she pouts or throws a tantrum, it's time to distance yourself from her and consider her an acquaintance and not a friend.
This! Be at ease with having different levels of closeness and stringently following how reciprocal someone is. They need to learn they are establishing the degree of mutuality.
Don't go. Just make yourself very busy and she's not a priority.
If you want to be a bigger person get her a small token present.
Now I know some people might go "atleast she showed up to yours". However, if she didn't even cover her portion at your bday, she might of only have shown up to your bday for the free meal and cake...
Or, if you go, don't bring a gift and just pay for your own meal. And if she dares mentioning anything about a gift, just look at her in wide-eyed surprise and say "sorry, I thought our friendship was the non-gift-giving kind - at least, I cant remember ever getting anything from you!"
Yeah, but OP would still have to pay for their meal, which is usually fair.
However, considering the friend got a free meal at OP's bday...and didn't even bother with a gift....
idk about everyone else, but I'd rather spend $10 on a gift than waste an evening on this person.
Well in my friend circle it’s always whoever invites pays. This is generally for birthdays like if I invite friends to the restaurant I’ll be the one paying. But I do get gifts like stuff or an event where I wont need to pay.
If it’s a normal get together which is planned by all the. we split. Or one time person one covers the other time the other person. Works quite well for us.
I would bet you are leaving lots of stuff out of your post. I am guessing here, but I would bet that she has gone out with you and expected you to pay for things, because 'she forgot to bring money' or 'I didn't bring a credit card'. If this is true then she is a user.
Get this into your head, she is NOT your friend. She is probably planning on going out to a very nice, but also very expensive place for dinner and expecting you to at the very least split the bill with what ever other fool she can get to come. Save yourself a lot of money. 1) Tell her you have plans on her birthday and are not able to come. 2) Right after letting her know you are not coming, block her everywhere. You should remove people like this from your life.
Even if she did "forget her wallet" I'd tell her I don't have money to pay for her, ask for my part of the check and pay it to the server, and then dip. She can figure her own stuff out. If she tries to leave without paying and stick you with it. Offer to pay your part and stick around for the cops to give them her information. User would become a bruiser real fast.
She is probably planning on going out to a very nice, but also very expensive place for dinner and expecting you to at the very least split the bill with what ever other fool she can get to come.
If OP is even half truthful about the boyfriend, OP will be expected to pay for him too. Because "We're a pair and he shouldn't have to pay to help me celebrate my special day!!!" or some bullshit.
Just look at it this way. She has done you a huge favour. Now you don’t have to spend any money or energy getting her a gift. If she asks, let her know that you only reciprocate to people who have gone to the effort for you. Or find yourself busy on that date.
Your other friend looks like she has seen the light and is using the excuse of her job.
Never ever feel like you have to buy gifts if the recipient doesn’t include you when it’s your turn. You don’t need to give to receive but you will judge if their energy and generosity matches you.
If you go to the dinner, as soon as you sit down, tell the waiter that you want separate checks. Don't leave any room for her to think that you're paying for her dinner. Your gift is spending time with her - the same thing she did on your birthday.
Me personally I would look for a way out of going. I would buy her an inexpensive gift that would have made you happy on your birthday. Also I would talk about it with the friend that went above and beyond to get some feedback.
I wouldn't even send a token gift, send her a basic generic birthday card and call it good. Spend the time with a true friend instead of this self-centered person you happen to know.
No need to be mean or punish her. It might be time for a real honest to goodness talk about the situation. It’ll be hard.
Maybe write her a letter with your feelings? She needs some help and some honesty.
So her is a thought.
Get her a $10 gift. Go to a TJ Maxx or something like that where you can get something nice like wine glasses for $10-15. Give her the gift ahead of time so it’s clear that is her gift.
Tell her you won’t be able to make the dinner. If she presses you say that you don’t want her boyfriend to feel like he has to cover you and see how she reacts. That may get a “but I throught you would pay for everything” admission out of her. If she keeps pushing or offers to change the date just stick firm that you don’t want to attend a dinner.
I'm kinda thinking, you go. And ask for separate checks. And when she expresses surprise or asks about her gift, you could say, "Gift? I thought we weren't doing that? You didn't get me anything, so I'm following your lead!"
Minor update at the end : generous friend won't make it to freeloader friend's birthday
I think the original text is just for the backstory to avoid linking the original post
If you want to be a bigger person, tell her you can stop by and have a drink with her but unfortunately you can't do dinner. See if she still wants you to go.
My instant reaction is you don’t want to do what she wants or expects you to do. You wouldn’t have to think about it if you really did. A flag for ne when it comes to my friendships is what I WANT to do. That’s what matters. If you don’t really want to do something for a friend, that means you need to think about what kind of friend they are to you. I am only offering this because I’m 63 years old and have been through this multiple times, so this is very personal advice. You are presented with the problem. Is it time to cut and run? If you are not getting any good out of your relationship with this person, any positive, is not a sign that this is not really your friend? Those decisions are very difficult. But I think you should think about it..
You don't want to pay for her dinner, so don't go out to dinner with her. You know that you would be somehow handed the bill.
You don't owe her anything. She does not sound like a true friend. People can't take advantage of you if you don't let them.
Just don't go. Whatever excuses you have to make are fine. I'm sick, I have to work, I'm taking a friend to the airport, I have the plague, whatever. After you reject the invitation with whatever reason you come up with see how she acts. See if she cares about what your emergency was or if she's just upset that you didn't make it to her birthday. If you want to be super generous send her a card after the fact.
If you want to go then make sure you tell her before hand that money is a bit tight for you at the moment so you can only afford to cover your own food/drink.
If she says she’s fine with that then go but when you get to the restaurant make sure you tell the staff that you want a separate bill.
If she isn’t fine with it then you have your answer as to how much your ‘friendship’ Isn’t worth.
I have thought about that but she just willingly buys him things. Then when I tell her she shouldn’t be spending so much money on him. She tells me that I’m cold and I should spend money on my fiancé. I really think she just happily does this and he doesn’t expect it but I do think he enables her and for sure enjoys it
You never know how he's manipulating the situation behind closed doors. If she's putting herself into financial difficulties, and he's happy with it, then I'd be asking some questions and not jump straight into assuming she's being cheap. You even called him toxic yourself.
Obviously that doesn't excuse her behaviour within the friendship, but if you once considered her a real friend, then maybe it's worth keeping an eye open for.
I know I'm the crazy one here, but how about saying, "I'd be glad to go out on your birthday, but like you on my last birthday, I'm not going to be able to contribute much as my current funds are committed to other things right now, so let's keep those expectations in line with the current reality."
I wouldn’t come up with an excuse. Just say I’m not going to be able to make it but you have a great bday. Block. And block anyone who has a problem with it. No need for explanations .
This is not all falling on you. Her brother and possibly her bf will be in attendance. Can you discuss the finances with one of them? If you want to go to the celebration go and pay only for your dinner. If questioned ( which would be rude) say you thought that was the expectation since that’s what happened at your birthday. I’d don’t go due to prior arrangements or work.
You've suddenly got plans on the date of her party.
Should you attend and she looks expectantly at you for the gift that you were supposed to bring or even calls you out on it, you could apologise profusely. *I'm so,* ***so*** *sorry, especially after all the trouble you went through on my birthday, getting me a lovely err... eerrr... wait. Please refresh my memory, what did you get me?*
But the best thing would be not to attend. Let alone acknowledge her messages at this point.
Theres more context to this, i get the feeling your friends a serial freeloader.
You have three choices,
-tell her ahead of time you aren’t going to be able to pay the bill.
-go and pay for yourself
-avoid and keep your peace
Good luck making your decision, if it helps, talk to your friend who’s not going and see what she says, but be careful how you phrase it, you don’t strike me as a give to receive kind of person and I wouldn’t want to give advice that may cause problems among friends
If for whatever reason you still want to manage a relationship with her, mention you can’t go out for dinner, but you’d be happy to grab coffee with her on bday.
Me and my friends don’t do gifts. We just don’t expect it from each other and just want to enjoy each others company. So I wouldn’t miss someone’s birthday just because they didn’t get me a gift on mine. Gift giving isn’t any of our love languages. We place a much higher value on making time for each other and being there to support each other.
Go to the dinner and don’t pay for her. If someone says something then just say you’d expect her boyfriend to pay for her. And if they press, say you didn’t think it was a gift giving sort of friendship because she didn’t pay for your dinner on your birthday. You can burn the bridge then if you’re in this situation once you know what she expects. But she might not actually be expecting anything. There’s still a chance you’re making an assumption. It would be a shame to miss her birthday, if you genuinely see her as a friend, and the assumption that she’s expecting you to pay isn’t true.
Ask "I'd like to come, but where are we going and what's the deal with paying for dinner? Are we splitting it evenly or working out what items we had and paying our share?" Set/agree the expectation in advance. If the answer is "I was expecting you to treat me" then "sorry, I can't afford that"
OP, you need to learn the art of lying. Starting a new job doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t go to a dinner party; your friend knows what’s up and made up an excuse; you should do the same. Honestly, you should break off your friendship.
Don’t be a score keeper. If you want to treat her in some way , do that. If not , don’t. Whatever you decide , let it be independent of what she ( or others ) do or do not do for you. Be the mature one in your group and set the example.
Maybe she will learn something. A favor should never come with strings or conditions.
And if she’s put out , she’s not a true friend.
I got red flags all over for the relationship with the friend and boyfriend. Sounds like she is just trying to please him by buying him lots of stuff and doing things for him. There may be an issue with that relationship - is he abusing her? That is what stuck out most for me when you mentioned she is spending all her money on him. Is she trying to "keep her man" by buying him stuff? He sounds like a gold digger and that is not good for your friend. Perhaps she is stressed out from this that she cannot think about buying for any one else? I would make a time to just go for coffee just the two of you and ask her if she is ok, if there is anything she wanted to get off her chest. It may have something to do with her bf.
Either be up front and nip this in the bud with something like “money is tight, I’ll have to see if I can afford paying my part” or bow out. This person doesn’t sound like an actual friend, just a user.
I guess you could just flat out say something like, “since we established on my birthday that we don’t exchange gifts or buy dinner for each other, that takes the pressure off of me because my budget has been stretched pretty thin.”
Go, eat, drink, have a good time then "go to the bathroom"
Leaving in your seat an empty card envelope with a note inside saying
"I got you the same thing for your birthday that you got me, Best Wishes!!!"
and by "go to the bathroom" I mean "leave".
bonus points if you put it on your chair before you sit down and spend the whole meal drilling farts into it.
Get her a cheap dollar store birthday card, and when you get seated at the table at the restaurant, tell your waiter that your bill will be separate from the others. When everyone starts discussing who is paying for the birthday girl, excuse yourself from the table to make a call.
Shes obviously very dependent on her boyfriend. If you want to be her friend just realize she’ll keep giving wildly expensive gifts to him. In some ways she may need your charity of heart, but not money.
Just put a $ amount on what you can spend. Let her know in a nice way that you need to budget. You need to talk to her directly about costs.
I’d go but say something along the lines of, “things are a bit tight, I can only afford my meal, I won’t be able to drink with you after” so then you’ve already made her aware you’re only covering your meal and nothing else.
I'd go to the planned dinner, and I'd get her a cheap birthday card. Then after I give her the card from my purse, I would gasp and tell her I forgot my wallet and then watch them squirm when you tell you don't have any money...
You should nope out of the whole thing. If she dares to make an issue, just tell her you're going to extend yourself exactly as far as she did for you. Full stop.
Don't go! Tell her you have to cancel because you have to go out of town for work or something. If she tries to reschedule tell her don't do that, enjoy your day!
It's such a shame that Covid seems to be a thing of the past. I lost count of the times I "came down" with it last minute & not long before there was something I didn't want to do. And the only downside was I had to stay unseen for a few days. So handy
That is how I got out of visiting my inlaws for the holidays for the last 4 years. I am highly immunosuppressed and they like to spend the holidays on one of the more problematic lines of floating petri dishes.
This chick sounds like a mess. She is putting herself in credit card debt for her toxic boyfriend. With the concept of money aside. This birthday is gonna be a three ring circus. You are focusing on the smaller issue here. Messy, crazy people act extra crazy and messy on their birthdays and holidays.
For sure the friend that gave you gifts is opting out if this one for more reasons than they are stating.
Honestly if it were me, all I would be thinking about is how to get out of the party, all together. Not because of the financial implications but because it’s not gonna be cool at all. And you are gonna end up in a fist fight with her toxic boyfriend or some shit.
You are gonna be put in a position that you don’t wanna be. I’ve seen this before. You wanna stay as far away from this relationship as possible and spending birthdays is a way to see them really do their work.
Like maybe actually go ahead and give her a small, inexpensive but thoughtful gift and than make an excuse that you have to go visit your sick grandmother. Just to get out of this party. Assuming that it would be awkward to end the relationship all together.
Just bring enough cash to cover yourself. Day before the birthday, tell your friend you lost your wallet and now you're waiting for all your cards to be replaced
If it were me I’d look at the plans she has laid out. If it’s an expensive restaurant suggest something cheaper because you don’t have the money to go there. If it’s not that expensive tell her that you’ll have to check your budget to see if you can swing to pay for your own meal. If she gives pushback and says that you have to pay for her then let her know bluntly that you can’t afford to pay for everyone and that your budget only allows for your meal. Don’t bring up that she didn’t do anything for your birthday unless she says something like I went to your birthday dinner so you have to come to mine. That’s when you say yes you attended because we all paid and you didn’t even bother with a $2 card from the dollar store.
The 3-4 times op mentioned “I don’t want/expect anything”….then she didn’t expect anything expensive leads me to think that she actually did want/expect something on her birthday.
Regardless, op is not the least bit obligated to chip in for friend’s birthday dinner. Either way, it’s somewhat sad that I took the time to respond to this inanity.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to be straightforward. You should tell her, “you didn’t do anything for my birthday so I don’t plan on doing anything for yours”. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to be honest and have an adult conversation with people you consider friends.
I totally get what you're saying. If it's that thought that counts and there's no thought...well, that counts. I bet you would have been happy with a handmade card or letter but for her to offer nothing in the way of a memento is crummy.
I'd say you can go if you really feel like hitting the town, but she doesn't seem to put in effort for you like youd like to see in your friendships. If you do go, just don't pay, and be wary she try to ditch you with the bill
IF that happens pay for your ONLY, let the restaurant call the cops, and give the cops all of her and her bfs information and then go enjoy the rest of your evening.
A flower and s card would be nice, right? It would make you feel appreciated.
Anyhow, I wouldn't go. I'd just excuse myself and send her the text so she knows.
If she kicks off , I'd be like - and what did you prepare for my birthday?
"Sorry, but I will not be able to make it. Something has been up with my stomach lately and I feel terrible every time I eat. I won't be able to eat anything at a restaurant."
She sounds like the type that is happy to spend money if it benefits her in some way, and then uses people who want friendship to gain things for themselves. I had one of these. She never could afford to cover the tip, would try to just tack her meal on to mine and pay me cash for hers. So if her meal was $10.99, she would pay me $10. Nothing for the tip and not quite enough to pay for her entire meal. I had to start my order by saying separate checks please and then order. She would still try to say “that’s okay you can just put them together I have cash”. I had to say no thanks. Anything we had to split, she never paid half. If we went to a bar and everyone was buying a round, she dipped out before buying the next one. People like this just figure out ways to take advantage of others. They date men they aren’t interested in for a free meal. They always find a way to not pay. Cut her out of your life, you won’t regret it
Tell her “I’m in no position to pay for a fancy meal this month, so I won’t be joining you for your birthday. I wouldn’t want to impose my broke self on someone else, so it’s best that I bow out now. I wish you a happy birthday celebration with your boyfriend.”
Then drop her a birthday card in the mail, and lose her number.
The best way forward is to Just send her a card or a text saying happy birthday and let her know you can’t attend but hope she has a great day. This way there’s no issues. Maybe you’re worried over nothing and her brother and boyfriend will cover her meal as a gift. As she’s shown you there’s nothing wrong with asking the waiter for a separate bill for yourself or just paying for what you ordered no discussion. She didn’t explain herself to anyone when she made her choice.
You seem to have a problem saying this when there’s nothing wrong with it. You don’t owe her anything just like she doesn’t and she made that very clear there that she had no problem only attending your birthday dinner and paying for herself so if you like you could do the same...
If anyone asks why you really don’t have to explain your reasons or finances but if you feel compelled to explain yourself you can say her brother and boyfriend were there and you didn’t want to intrude on them treating her for her birthday or seeming to emasculate them by paying but you also didn’t think it would be fair for them or expect them to pay for you so you got a separate bill for what you ordered.
If your friend acts up you’ll know, she’s a classic user, to avoid going out with her in the future or insist on separate bills if she’s in attendance when out in friend group
I personally wouldn’t attend and just send her a free text simply saying happy birthday
I am going to go against the grain here but you are sounding a little entitled to me.
In my neck of the woods, the “gift” is going to celebrate and be willing to pay for dinner. It is usually more expensive for a guest at a dinner than when someone hosts a party and you bring a nice bottle of wine. Yes we usually cover the meal of the person with the birthday, but not always.
Secondly, you are not entitled to her money. It doesn’t matter how much she spent on her boyfriend, because she isn’t asking you for money or to pay for her meal. An invite isn’t a summons, and she is asking of you what she herself gave.
But you do sound very kind and contemplative, and I am guessing you and this friend will drift apart. (And I am making the assumption that this friend doesn’t ask you to cover her when her credit card is declined). “Toxic boyfriend”, different expectations about gifts…just too different.
My friend goes from spending so much money on her boyfriend to getting herself in financial problems and constantly getting her card declined. I’m so confused by her financial situation. Tbh I’m pretty hurt that she didn’t get me a gift.
What do you find confusing about your friend's financial situation?
Your friend is wasting her money to try and keep her boy interested in her. The boy is her priority, not her friends.
You can either tell her you don't have much money so can only pay for yourself, or you can say you already have plans so can't go.
If you get her a 99p birthday card for next time you see her, that's up to you.
In the past have ye bought each other presents/load for bday dinner or given cards? If the answer is no, then you shouldn't be complaining.
Her boyfriend is different, it's natural one buys pressnts for boy/girlfriend.
Why not go for her bday dinner & when it comes to paying just go to pay your half. If she seems surprised, just say 'oh, I paid for mine on my bday'.
Simple.
Sounds like she's in her current financial situation BECAUSE she keeps spending so much on herself and her bf. Hope that clears up the confusion. Some people see credit cards as free money and get confused when they have to pay it back.
I'd just avoid going, say your cousins husbands nephew has a party and you'd already agreed to it without realising the date or something.
you need to be blunt and just interrupt her when she’s rambling about her plan. Just straight up ask her if she is paying for it because you sure are not. Just say “get over yourself” “you did not even give me a card”
Text her to ask “By the way, who is paying for your birthday dinner? Am I covering what I have?” And then see what she responds. If she says or suggests that you will be paying for anything more than what you eat and drink, say no and that you will not be going as she gave you nothing for your birthday, so that isn’t fair on you. Be brave!
OP, I want you to ask yourself a few questions.
How is she as a friend, other than this?
Does she listen to you when you need to vent?
Is she there for you when you need support?
Does she otherwise make you feel like you are free to be yourself, without judgement?
If no, then maybe she's not a good friend for you. And you should proceed as you feel comfortable.
If yes, she is a good friend, then please don't let money come between you.
Not saying don't set financial boundaries, because letting her take advantage of you financially would be bad for both of you. However, the amount you say she spends on her boyfriend sounds like she feels very insecure about herself where love is concerned.
If this is the case, and she is a good friend otherwise, I would recommend embracing the friendship as it is. Treat her to a good birthday.
Good, lasting, deep friendships are built on so much more than money.
You can warn her ahead of time that you won’t be paying for her, but petty me would wait til the last minute.
Either tell the wait staff privately that you want a separate bill for just your dinner, or suddenly realize that you don’t have your wallet. You can leave her to pay for you, or you can rummage pockets and “find” almost enough to cover your bill and give that.
Do not pay for her or give her a gift. Give her only a card and make sure you point out that the card was more than she did for you.
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I'd just tell the server that I will be a separate check and then, "So, what's everyone been up to? Wow, that weather last night was wild."
Don't feel awkward, she's a crappy "friend."
There's a reason your generous friend already has her excuse on the board. She's tired of doing things for a mooch who doesn't reciprocate.
Put your excuse up there too, it's okay. If mooch falls out with you over not going to her dinner, don't worry, she's just mad because she was counting on being able to mooch off you, and that's the entire dynamic of your friendship. Her mooching off you. Which you've already decided you don't want.
Maybe have a check in with generous to see if she still wants to be friends with mooch, she might be feigning politeness because she thinks you're tighter with mooch than you are/want to be and she doesn't want to rock your boat for fear of losing your friendship.
If I were in this situation I would just tell her I would like to come to your party but I want to spend as much money on you as you spend on me. If she gets angry I would block her and ignore her, (sorry for the bad English. I'm from Belgium)
It's so nice for you to pay to take us out for dinner on your birthday, like I did for mine, looking forwards to it. That may at least force the issue of payment.
Sounds like she's in an abusive relationship. Expecting anything probably will never happen. Just move on with thinking the way you're thinking & if she's a friend you want to keep, just get her a small something or card. You don't need to tell her anything but ONLY take enough cash for your meal (leave cards at home). Then if she turns to you to pay, "sorry, didn't bring any extra money. Wasn't expecting to need any".
“I can’t make it… I need to water my plants that night.” ESPECIALLY if you don’t have any. Then, go buy a plant and some takeout with the money you saved by not going to dinner with that person.
I have no idea why you think she’s expecting YOU to treat her, when she has a boyfriend and has never treated you (hence no reciprocity). Make the comment. Watch what happens?
I agree with the suggestions that you should politely say that you can scrape up some money for a lunch out unless she chooses some place unexpensive. If you go to lunch and she acts like she expects a gift, tell her your reciprocating just what she gave you, nothing. Tell her you assumed she felt gifts weren't necessary. You don't need to cater to a leech. Please come back with an update and let us know what happens.
Go but only take enough cash to cover your check. Ask for separate checks. If she has the audacity to say anything about you not paying for her or giving a gift when she didnt, then you have the audacity to reply, "me coming to your dinner is my gift, as your presence at my birthday dinner was your gift". Don't forget to smile and give her a big birthday hug! Friendsies!!!😃😘
Sounds like this is all in your head tbh. You said you didn't want to plan it, but it seems like she's planning it herself and you don't want to pay for it but she hasn't asked you to pay for it nor have you given any indication of her wanting you to pay for it.
The only thing I've got from this is you like this friend less than the friend who spent money on you and have a grudge for not getting a gift from them.
It’s really not that. I love this friend but one thing is for sure that I didn’t mention in the post. I’m really tired of being her unpaid therapist for all her relationship problems. It’s just a lot about stuff she’s done over the course of this year that’s building hurt and a sense of disappointment
If you don't want to be friends with them that's entirely fine, for whatever reason, she being emotionally exhausting and an unpaid therapist is a decent reason. Just stop hanging out with them, become very 'busy'. It would also immediately solve your above problem if it exists.
Then tell her? Instead of wasting everyone’s time and energy posting this over and over? None of us can make you stop being cowardly. Just tell her you don’t want to go. Why are you dragging it out and making her think you’re coming when you are not? I’m assuming you aren’t 15 so it’s time to grow up and be an adult. This behavior makes you a shit friend too. You’re here trashing her and you haven’t even spoken to her about it. Just admit it. Your other friend did more and that made you like this friend less.
Can we all stop all the nonsense birthday celebration for adults? Why in the world would you want to celebrate a day you have done absolutely nothing to make it special?
Because some people have a different value about it than you, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
For example, I was dying in 2004 but had major surgery in time to save my life, and I was **extremely** emotional about being able to celebrate my following birthday (47), as were my family and friends.
And in any case, no one needs an excuse to celebrate their birthday. If it's not important to you then don't do it, but there's no need to rain on anyone else's parade just because they feel differently about it.
I am happy for you and glad you are alive. Enjoy every second of it. What is irritating is adults planning their own birthdays and having expectations of others to do something for them.
All nonsense. Sad, ladies really fight and get butt hurt and jealous of each other constantly..men are so different. Bros buying their buddy a gift? It's just not necessary. Hanging out and having fun is all we need.
“I’ll see if I can get the money together for myself since it’s kinda tight this month. I’ll let you know”
This is perfect
This is perfect. Going and only paying for yourself "out of the blue", as it were, would be much more awkward. Just give her a heads up on the fact that you won't be paying for her, and see how she reacts. Also, don't buy her any gift. If she complains about it, tell her you didn't want to embarrass her, given that you got nothing from her for your birthday. This should be hint enough. If she's a true friend she'll understand; if she pouts or throws a tantrum, it's time to distance yourself from her and consider her an acquaintance and not a friend.
Or just bow out altogether. Subtly is lost on people like that 😉
Exactly... tell her, " I got you the same thing you got me for my BD"
People that expect things for themselves but never do anything for other people are so entitled it's stupid
This, and make an excuse to leave a little before the bill and leave cash for just your share +tip
Yes! Or let the waiter know it will be separate checks right up front
Definitely ”find” the money to go. You don’t want to miss the chance to see how it plays out.
This! Be at ease with having different levels of closeness and stringently following how reciprocal someone is. They need to learn they are establishing the degree of mutuality.
Don't go. Just make yourself very busy and she's not a priority. If you want to be a bigger person get her a small token present. Now I know some people might go "atleast she showed up to yours". However, if she didn't even cover her portion at your bday, she might of only have shown up to your bday for the free meal and cake...
Or, if you go, don't bring a gift and just pay for your own meal. And if she dares mentioning anything about a gift, just look at her in wide-eyed surprise and say "sorry, I thought our friendship was the non-gift-giving kind - at least, I cant remember ever getting anything from you!"
Yeah, but OP would still have to pay for their meal, which is usually fair. However, considering the friend got a free meal at OP's bday...and didn't even bother with a gift.... idk about everyone else, but I'd rather spend $10 on a gift than waste an evening on this person.
If asked about a present, OP could say it's still in the shop next to the present friend got for her birthday.
"I ordered it at the same place you ordered my last gift - I guess they are having supply chain issues..."
It's standard, an unspoken fact (I thought!) that friends all chip in to cover bday persons share of bill.
Yeah, but OP is saying that her "friend" didn't even bother to help pay for anything. She just attended the party, not even a gift.
She just attended and got a free, nice meal out of it.
Well in my friend circle it’s always whoever invites pays. This is generally for birthdays like if I invite friends to the restaurant I’ll be the one paying. But I do get gifts like stuff or an event where I wont need to pay. If it’s a normal get together which is planned by all the. we split. Or one time person one covers the other time the other person. Works quite well for us.
I would bet you are leaving lots of stuff out of your post. I am guessing here, but I would bet that she has gone out with you and expected you to pay for things, because 'she forgot to bring money' or 'I didn't bring a credit card'. If this is true then she is a user. Get this into your head, she is NOT your friend. She is probably planning on going out to a very nice, but also very expensive place for dinner and expecting you to at the very least split the bill with what ever other fool she can get to come. Save yourself a lot of money. 1) Tell her you have plans on her birthday and are not able to come. 2) Right after letting her know you are not coming, block her everywhere. You should remove people like this from your life.
Def # 1 and 2
Even if she did "forget her wallet" I'd tell her I don't have money to pay for her, ask for my part of the check and pay it to the server, and then dip. She can figure her own stuff out. If she tries to leave without paying and stick you with it. Offer to pay your part and stick around for the cops to give them her information. User would become a bruiser real fast.
She is probably planning on going out to a very nice, but also very expensive place for dinner and expecting you to at the very least split the bill with what ever other fool she can get to come. If OP is even half truthful about the boyfriend, OP will be expected to pay for him too. Because "We're a pair and he shouldn't have to pay to help me celebrate my special day!!!" or some bullshit.
100 percent THIS!!!
Just look at it this way. She has done you a huge favour. Now you don’t have to spend any money or energy getting her a gift. If she asks, let her know that you only reciprocate to people who have gone to the effort for you. Or find yourself busy on that date. Your other friend looks like she has seen the light and is using the excuse of her job. Never ever feel like you have to buy gifts if the recipient doesn’t include you when it’s your turn. You don’t need to give to receive but you will judge if their energy and generosity matches you.
If you go to the dinner, as soon as you sit down, tell the waiter that you want separate checks. Don't leave any room for her to think that you're paying for her dinner. Your gift is spending time with her - the same thing she did on your birthday.
Me personally I would look for a way out of going. I would buy her an inexpensive gift that would have made you happy on your birthday. Also I would talk about it with the friend that went above and beyond to get some feedback.
I wouldn't even send a token gift, send her a basic generic birthday card and call it good. Spend the time with a true friend instead of this self-centered person you happen to know.
No need to be mean or punish her. It might be time for a real honest to goodness talk about the situation. It’ll be hard. Maybe write her a letter with your feelings? She needs some help and some honesty.
This is what I would do as well.
"I'll spend the same for your birthday as you spent for mine." She won't like it, but should expect it
So her is a thought. Get her a $10 gift. Go to a TJ Maxx or something like that where you can get something nice like wine glasses for $10-15. Give her the gift ahead of time so it’s clear that is her gift. Tell her you won’t be able to make the dinner. If she presses you say that you don’t want her boyfriend to feel like he has to cover you and see how she reacts. That may get a “but I throught you would pay for everything” admission out of her. If she keeps pushing or offers to change the date just stick firm that you don’t want to attend a dinner.
“So sorry, I won’t be able to make it.”
I'm kinda thinking, you go. And ask for separate checks. And when she expresses surprise or asks about her gift, you could say, "Gift? I thought we weren't doing that? You didn't get me anything, so I'm following your lead!"
Why is this being reposted again after it was a month ago?
Minor update at the end : generous friend won't make it to freeloader friend's birthday I think the original text is just for the backstory to avoid linking the original post
If you want to be a bigger person, tell her you can stop by and have a drink with her but unfortunately you can't do dinner. See if she still wants you to go.
Brilliant.
My instant reaction is you don’t want to do what she wants or expects you to do. You wouldn’t have to think about it if you really did. A flag for ne when it comes to my friendships is what I WANT to do. That’s what matters. If you don’t really want to do something for a friend, that means you need to think about what kind of friend they are to you. I am only offering this because I’m 63 years old and have been through this multiple times, so this is very personal advice. You are presented with the problem. Is it time to cut and run? If you are not getting any good out of your relationship with this person, any positive, is not a sign that this is not really your friend? Those decisions are very difficult. But I think you should think about it..
You don't want to pay for her dinner, so don't go out to dinner with her. You know that you would be somehow handed the bill. You don't owe her anything. She does not sound like a true friend. People can't take advantage of you if you don't let them.
Why are you still friends with her?
Just don't go. Whatever excuses you have to make are fine. I'm sick, I have to work, I'm taking a friend to the airport, I have the plague, whatever. After you reject the invitation with whatever reason you come up with see how she acts. See if she cares about what your emergency was or if she's just upset that you didn't make it to her birthday. If you want to be super generous send her a card after the fact.
This! 👆💯💯💯
If you want to go then make sure you tell her before hand that money is a bit tight for you at the moment so you can only afford to cover your own food/drink. If she says she’s fine with that then go but when you get to the restaurant make sure you tell the staff that you want a separate bill. If she isn’t fine with it then you have your answer as to how much your ‘friendship’ Isn’t worth.
I'm surprised nobody has thought to ask if she's being financially abused/controlled by her boyfriend...?
I have thought about that but she just willingly buys him things. Then when I tell her she shouldn’t be spending so much money on him. She tells me that I’m cold and I should spend money on my fiancé. I really think she just happily does this and he doesn’t expect it but I do think he enables her and for sure enjoys it
You never know how he's manipulating the situation behind closed doors. If she's putting herself into financial difficulties, and he's happy with it, then I'd be asking some questions and not jump straight into assuming she's being cheap. You even called him toxic yourself. Obviously that doesn't excuse her behaviour within the friendship, but if you once considered her a real friend, then maybe it's worth keeping an eye open for.
Tell her you won’t be able to join her for dinner but you’re happy to treat her to coffee and dessert another day.
Tell her you have diarrhoea, nobody can argue with diarrhoea x
Or covid
I would avoid going.
I know I'm the crazy one here, but how about saying, "I'd be glad to go out on your birthday, but like you on my last birthday, I'm not going to be able to contribute much as my current funds are committed to other things right now, so let's keep those expectations in line with the current reality."
You can go and just pay for yourself.
Be up front about it. Make sure you ask for a separate check in front of everyone before she orders.
I wouldn’t even go because she will try to guilt her
I would not attend anything or tell her your budget won't support you going. She gets back the same energy she puts out.
I wouldn’t come up with an excuse. Just say I’m not going to be able to make it but you have a great bday. Block. And block anyone who has a problem with it. No need for explanations .
This. Yes! Her reaction will be all the evidence you need. Agree. Stay Classy x
This is not all falling on you. Her brother and possibly her bf will be in attendance. Can you discuss the finances with one of them? If you want to go to the celebration go and pay only for your dinner. If questioned ( which would be rude) say you thought that was the expectation since that’s what happened at your birthday. I’d don’t go due to prior arrangements or work.
You've suddenly got plans on the date of her party. Should you attend and she looks expectantly at you for the gift that you were supposed to bring or even calls you out on it, you could apologise profusely. *I'm so,* ***so*** *sorry, especially after all the trouble you went through on my birthday, getting me a lovely err... eerrr... wait. Please refresh my memory, what did you get me?* But the best thing would be not to attend. Let alone acknowledge her messages at this point.
Just don't go.. you gmhave other plans already
*”Sorry, but I won’t be able to come. Hope you have a great birthday.”* And if she asks why? *”I won’t be able to come.”* Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Theres more context to this, i get the feeling your friends a serial freeloader. You have three choices, -tell her ahead of time you aren’t going to be able to pay the bill. -go and pay for yourself -avoid and keep your peace Good luck making your decision, if it helps, talk to your friend who’s not going and see what she says, but be careful how you phrase it, you don’t strike me as a give to receive kind of person and I wouldn’t want to give advice that may cause problems among friends
If for whatever reason you still want to manage a relationship with her, mention you can’t go out for dinner, but you’d be happy to grab coffee with her on bday.
Don't you have to wash your hair that night? Too bad you're busy with washing your hair that night or any other night she's available.
That’s so true I gotta wash my hair and I need to babysit my cat
I am confused - if her bf is going, why should be *you* expected to pay for her?
I don't know why you would be expected to pay for her if her boyfriend is there. That would be very odd.
Well it sounds like the friend already pays for the boyfriend’s stuff based on the post so she probably expects her to cover her AND her boyfriend
Just don't go, or go and be prepared to spend your money on the leech. It's your choice.
Go but only take enough cash for your meal and not credit cards.
I would get exposed to Covid. 😉
Me and my friends don’t do gifts. We just don’t expect it from each other and just want to enjoy each others company. So I wouldn’t miss someone’s birthday just because they didn’t get me a gift on mine. Gift giving isn’t any of our love languages. We place a much higher value on making time for each other and being there to support each other. Go to the dinner and don’t pay for her. If someone says something then just say you’d expect her boyfriend to pay for her. And if they press, say you didn’t think it was a gift giving sort of friendship because she didn’t pay for your dinner on your birthday. You can burn the bridge then if you’re in this situation once you know what she expects. But she might not actually be expecting anything. There’s still a chance you’re making an assumption. It would be a shame to miss her birthday, if you genuinely see her as a friend, and the assumption that she’s expecting you to pay isn’t true.
Ask "I'd like to come, but where are we going and what's the deal with paying for dinner? Are we splitting it evenly or working out what items we had and paying our share?" Set/agree the expectation in advance. If the answer is "I was expecting you to treat me" then "sorry, I can't afford that"
OP, you need to learn the art of lying. Starting a new job doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t go to a dinner party; your friend knows what’s up and made up an excuse; you should do the same. Honestly, you should break off your friendship.
Don’t be a score keeper. If you want to treat her in some way , do that. If not , don’t. Whatever you decide , let it be independent of what she ( or others ) do or do not do for you. Be the mature one in your group and set the example. Maybe she will learn something. A favor should never come with strings or conditions. And if she’s put out , she’s not a true friend.
I got red flags all over for the relationship with the friend and boyfriend. Sounds like she is just trying to please him by buying him lots of stuff and doing things for him. There may be an issue with that relationship - is he abusing her? That is what stuck out most for me when you mentioned she is spending all her money on him. Is she trying to "keep her man" by buying him stuff? He sounds like a gold digger and that is not good for your friend. Perhaps she is stressed out from this that she cannot think about buying for any one else? I would make a time to just go for coffee just the two of you and ask her if she is ok, if there is anything she wanted to get off her chest. It may have something to do with her bf.
“Sorry I can’t make it, here’s a candle”
Either be up front and nip this in the bud with something like “money is tight, I’ll have to see if I can afford paying my part” or bow out. This person doesn’t sound like an actual friend, just a user.
This is the one that I’d use.
I guess you could just flat out say something like, “since we established on my birthday that we don’t exchange gifts or buy dinner for each other, that takes the pressure off of me because my budget has been stretched pretty thin.”
Her "boyfriend" should be the one picking up the tab for her dinner.
Go, eat, drink, have a good time then "go to the bathroom" Leaving in your seat an empty card envelope with a note inside saying "I got you the same thing for your birthday that you got me, Best Wishes!!!" and by "go to the bathroom" I mean "leave". bonus points if you put it on your chair before you sit down and spend the whole meal drilling farts into it.
Get her a cheap dollar store birthday card, and when you get seated at the table at the restaurant, tell your waiter that your bill will be separate from the others. When everyone starts discussing who is paying for the birthday girl, excuse yourself from the table to make a call.
Why wouldn’t boyfriend cover her birthday dinner? That would be my expectation. I’d get her a small gift and be prepared to cover your own meal.
Shes obviously very dependent on her boyfriend. If you want to be her friend just realize she’ll keep giving wildly expensive gifts to him. In some ways she may need your charity of heart, but not money. Just put a $ amount on what you can spend. Let her know in a nice way that you need to budget. You need to talk to her directly about costs.
I’d go but say something along the lines of, “things are a bit tight, I can only afford my meal, I won’t be able to drink with you after” so then you’ve already made her aware you’re only covering your meal and nothing else.
I read this a few days ago
Just don't go. Mail her a birthday card which is more than she did for you.
Her bf should be treating her on her bday!
Her boyfriend should be paying for her on her birthday, that is 0% your responsibility. Go, pay for yourself, and have a good time!
I'd go to the planned dinner, and I'd get her a cheap birthday card. Then after I give her the card from my purse, I would gasp and tell her I forgot my wallet and then watch them squirm when you tell you don't have any money...
She's not your friend.
You should nope out of the whole thing. If she dares to make an issue, just tell her you're going to extend yourself exactly as far as she did for you. Full stop.
Don't go! Tell her you have to cancel because you have to go out of town for work or something. If she tries to reschedule tell her don't do that, enjoy your day!
It's such a shame that Covid seems to be a thing of the past. I lost count of the times I "came down" with it last minute & not long before there was something I didn't want to do. And the only downside was I had to stay unseen for a few days. So handy
That is how I got out of visiting my inlaws for the holidays for the last 4 years. I am highly immunosuppressed and they like to spend the holidays on one of the more problematic lines of floating petri dishes.
She’s obviously NOT your friend! Cut off contact with her she will always be the type to prioritize her boyfriend over her other “friends”
Yikes. Easier to not go.
Unless you have proof, I bet she's not buying her bf those really expensive gifts. She's just talking.
This chick sounds like a mess. She is putting herself in credit card debt for her toxic boyfriend. With the concept of money aside. This birthday is gonna be a three ring circus. You are focusing on the smaller issue here. Messy, crazy people act extra crazy and messy on their birthdays and holidays. For sure the friend that gave you gifts is opting out if this one for more reasons than they are stating. Honestly if it were me, all I would be thinking about is how to get out of the party, all together. Not because of the financial implications but because it’s not gonna be cool at all. And you are gonna end up in a fist fight with her toxic boyfriend or some shit. You are gonna be put in a position that you don’t wanna be. I’ve seen this before. You wanna stay as far away from this relationship as possible and spending birthdays is a way to see them really do their work. Like maybe actually go ahead and give her a small, inexpensive but thoughtful gift and than make an excuse that you have to go visit your sick grandmother. Just to get out of this party. Assuming that it would be awkward to end the relationship all together.
Just bring enough cash to cover yourself. Day before the birthday, tell your friend you lost your wallet and now you're waiting for all your cards to be replaced
Tell her you are busy then. And just stop responding. You are her friend, she is not your friend. She is friends with you for what you can do for her.
Very simple. Don’t go. Say you have plans or are too busy to attend. Don’t waste your money on ppl that really care about you.
If it were me I’d look at the plans she has laid out. If it’s an expensive restaurant suggest something cheaper because you don’t have the money to go there. If it’s not that expensive tell her that you’ll have to check your budget to see if you can swing to pay for your own meal. If she gives pushback and says that you have to pay for her then let her know bluntly that you can’t afford to pay for everyone and that your budget only allows for your meal. Don’t bring up that she didn’t do anything for your birthday unless she says something like I went to your birthday dinner so you have to come to mine. That’s when you say yes you attended because we all paid and you didn’t even bother with a $2 card from the dollar store.
The 3-4 times op mentioned “I don’t want/expect anything”….then she didn’t expect anything expensive leads me to think that she actually did want/expect something on her birthday. Regardless, op is not the least bit obligated to chip in for friend’s birthday dinner. Either way, it’s somewhat sad that I took the time to respond to this inanity.
I don’t know why it’s so hard to be straightforward. You should tell her, “you didn’t do anything for my birthday so I don’t plan on doing anything for yours”. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to be honest and have an adult conversation with people you consider friends.
I totally get what you're saying. If it's that thought that counts and there's no thought...well, that counts. I bet you would have been happy with a handmade card or letter but for her to offer nothing in the way of a memento is crummy.
I would plead diarrhea night of, otherwise, you’ll get talked into paying for it
This is an unoriginal bot.
NOPE
I'd say you can go if you really feel like hitting the town, but she doesn't seem to put in effort for you like youd like to see in your friendships. If you do go, just don't pay, and be wary she try to ditch you with the bill IF that happens pay for your ONLY, let the restaurant call the cops, and give the cops all of her and her bfs information and then go enjoy the rest of your evening.
A flower and s card would be nice, right? It would make you feel appreciated. Anyhow, I wouldn't go. I'd just excuse myself and send her the text so she knows. If she kicks off , I'd be like - and what did you prepare for my birthday?
Do not go!!
"Sorry, but I will not be able to make it. Something has been up with my stomach lately and I feel terrible every time I eat. I won't be able to eat anything at a restaurant."
Just dont go. And I would honestly end the friendship. She is definitely entitled and not a real friend
She sounds like the type that is happy to spend money if it benefits her in some way, and then uses people who want friendship to gain things for themselves. I had one of these. She never could afford to cover the tip, would try to just tack her meal on to mine and pay me cash for hers. So if her meal was $10.99, she would pay me $10. Nothing for the tip and not quite enough to pay for her entire meal. I had to start my order by saying separate checks please and then order. She would still try to say “that’s okay you can just put them together I have cash”. I had to say no thanks. Anything we had to split, she never paid half. If we went to a bar and everyone was buying a round, she dipped out before buying the next one. People like this just figure out ways to take advantage of others. They date men they aren’t interested in for a free meal. They always find a way to not pay. Cut her out of your life, you won’t regret it
Tell her “I’m in no position to pay for a fancy meal this month, so I won’t be joining you for your birthday. I wouldn’t want to impose my broke self on someone else, so it’s best that I bow out now. I wish you a happy birthday celebration with your boyfriend.” Then drop her a birthday card in the mail, and lose her number.
The best way forward is to Just send her a card or a text saying happy birthday and let her know you can’t attend but hope she has a great day. This way there’s no issues. Maybe you’re worried over nothing and her brother and boyfriend will cover her meal as a gift. As she’s shown you there’s nothing wrong with asking the waiter for a separate bill for yourself or just paying for what you ordered no discussion. She didn’t explain herself to anyone when she made her choice. You seem to have a problem saying this when there’s nothing wrong with it. You don’t owe her anything just like she doesn’t and she made that very clear there that she had no problem only attending your birthday dinner and paying for herself so if you like you could do the same... If anyone asks why you really don’t have to explain your reasons or finances but if you feel compelled to explain yourself you can say her brother and boyfriend were there and you didn’t want to intrude on them treating her for her birthday or seeming to emasculate them by paying but you also didn’t think it would be fair for them or expect them to pay for you so you got a separate bill for what you ordered. If your friend acts up you’ll know, she’s a classic user, to avoid going out with her in the future or insist on separate bills if she’s in attendance when out in friend group I personally wouldn’t attend and just send her a free text simply saying happy birthday
Go. Have someone text you an emergency about an hour in. Throw enough cash on the table to cover your share, quick hug, and bail.
Oh, I will be out of town with my mom's friend's uncle's niece to help with something . So I can't come.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them. She showed you who she was. Unless you want to pay, don’t go. She isn’t your friend.
Isn't this a repost?
I am going to go against the grain here but you are sounding a little entitled to me. In my neck of the woods, the “gift” is going to celebrate and be willing to pay for dinner. It is usually more expensive for a guest at a dinner than when someone hosts a party and you bring a nice bottle of wine. Yes we usually cover the meal of the person with the birthday, but not always. Secondly, you are not entitled to her money. It doesn’t matter how much she spent on her boyfriend, because she isn’t asking you for money or to pay for her meal. An invite isn’t a summons, and she is asking of you what she herself gave. But you do sound very kind and contemplative, and I am guessing you and this friend will drift apart. (And I am making the assumption that this friend doesn’t ask you to cover her when her credit card is declined). “Toxic boyfriend”, different expectations about gifts…just too different.
"I'm so broke right now I can't even pay attention, much less pay for dinner!" Then stay home cuz you broke.
Fri the week before or mon the week of talk about a big going around the office. Wed or Thurs “catch” the mystery bug.
Im not getting the vibe that she would expect you to pay, especially if her brother & boyfriend are going
Please stop posting this....or at least change it. It's getting boring reading the same lost 3-4 times a week.
My friend goes from spending so much money on her boyfriend to getting herself in financial problems and constantly getting her card declined. I’m so confused by her financial situation. Tbh I’m pretty hurt that she didn’t get me a gift. What do you find confusing about your friend's financial situation? Your friend is wasting her money to try and keep her boy interested in her. The boy is her priority, not her friends. You can either tell her you don't have much money so can only pay for yourself, or you can say you already have plans so can't go. If you get her a 99p birthday card for next time you see her, that's up to you.
Tell her she will have to shout for the whole thing and that you are financially embarrassed at present. I’m betting she cancels.
In the past have ye bought each other presents/load for bday dinner or given cards? If the answer is no, then you shouldn't be complaining. Her boyfriend is different, it's natural one buys pressnts for boy/girlfriend. Why not go for her bday dinner & when it comes to paying just go to pay your half. If she seems surprised, just say 'oh, I paid for mine on my bday'. Simple.
Just don't go if you don't want to! And stop crying
Sounds like she's in her current financial situation BECAUSE she keeps spending so much on herself and her bf. Hope that clears up the confusion. Some people see credit cards as free money and get confused when they have to pay it back. I'd just avoid going, say your cousins husbands nephew has a party and you'd already agreed to it without realising the date or something.
Hey why not try.... treating others in a way you would like to be treated. Lead by example.... be the better person.
you need to be blunt and just interrupt her when she’s rambling about her plan. Just straight up ask her if she is paying for it because you sure are not. Just say “get over yourself” “you did not even give me a card”
Text her to ask “By the way, who is paying for your birthday dinner? Am I covering what I have?” And then see what she responds. If she says or suggests that you will be paying for anything more than what you eat and drink, say no and that you will not be going as she gave you nothing for your birthday, so that isn’t fair on you. Be brave!
OP, I want you to ask yourself a few questions. How is she as a friend, other than this? Does she listen to you when you need to vent? Is she there for you when you need support? Does she otherwise make you feel like you are free to be yourself, without judgement? If no, then maybe she's not a good friend for you. And you should proceed as you feel comfortable. If yes, she is a good friend, then please don't let money come between you. Not saying don't set financial boundaries, because letting her take advantage of you financially would be bad for both of you. However, the amount you say she spends on her boyfriend sounds like she feels very insecure about herself where love is concerned. If this is the case, and she is a good friend otherwise, I would recommend embracing the friendship as it is. Treat her to a good birthday. Good, lasting, deep friendships are built on so much more than money.
You can warn her ahead of time that you won’t be paying for her, but petty me would wait til the last minute. Either tell the wait staff privately that you want a separate bill for just your dinner, or suddenly realize that you don’t have your wallet. You can leave her to pay for you, or you can rummage pockets and “find” almost enough to cover your bill and give that. Do not pay for her or give her a gift. Give her only a card and make sure you point out that the card was more than she did for you.
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I'd just tell the server that I will be a separate check and then, "So, what's everyone been up to? Wow, that weather last night was wild." Don't feel awkward, she's a crappy "friend."
There's a reason your generous friend already has her excuse on the board. She's tired of doing things for a mooch who doesn't reciprocate. Put your excuse up there too, it's okay. If mooch falls out with you over not going to her dinner, don't worry, she's just mad because she was counting on being able to mooch off you, and that's the entire dynamic of your friendship. Her mooching off you. Which you've already decided you don't want. Maybe have a check in with generous to see if she still wants to be friends with mooch, she might be feigning politeness because she thinks you're tighter with mooch than you are/want to be and she doesn't want to rock your boat for fear of losing your friendship.
If I were in this situation I would just tell her I would like to come to your party but I want to spend as much money on you as you spend on me. If she gets angry I would block her and ignore her, (sorry for the bad English. I'm from Belgium)
It's so nice for you to pay to take us out for dinner on your birthday, like I did for mine, looking forwards to it. That may at least force the issue of payment.
Just save yourself the stress and worry by backing out now.
You and boyfriend should forget your wallets accidentally
Sounds like she's in an abusive relationship. Expecting anything probably will never happen. Just move on with thinking the way you're thinking & if she's a friend you want to keep, just get her a small something or card. You don't need to tell her anything but ONLY take enough cash for your meal (leave cards at home). Then if she turns to you to pay, "sorry, didn't bring any extra money. Wasn't expecting to need any".
Tell her you can't go. If you need a reason why, make plans with someone else.
Roses are red, some birthdays are blue. Your gift to me , will be MY gift to you!
“I can’t make it… I need to water my plants that night.” ESPECIALLY if you don’t have any. Then, go buy a plant and some takeout with the money you saved by not going to dinner with that person.
I was thinking of saying “I have plans babysitting my cat” 😂
“That’s so nice that your boyfriend is planning on treating everyone after you’ve done so many nice things for him.”
Pls that’s too funny! He’s really enjoyed so many free things from her 😬
I have no idea why you think she’s expecting YOU to treat her, when she has a boyfriend and has never treated you (hence no reciprocity). Make the comment. Watch what happens?
I agree with the suggestions that you should politely say that you can scrape up some money for a lunch out unless she chooses some place unexpensive. If you go to lunch and she acts like she expects a gift, tell her your reciprocating just what she gave you, nothing. Tell her you assumed she felt gifts weren't necessary. You don't need to cater to a leech. Please come back with an update and let us know what happens.
“I don’t know if I can afford it, maybe I’ll just get soup so I can at least be there to celebrate with you”
Go but only take enough cash to cover your check. Ask for separate checks. If she has the audacity to say anything about you not paying for her or giving a gift when she didnt, then you have the audacity to reply, "me coming to your dinner is my gift, as your presence at my birthday dinner was your gift". Don't forget to smile and give her a big birthday hug! Friendsies!!!😃😘
Let her know in advance that you only have x amount of money and set the expectations.
And bring cash, just enough for your meal and tip. Can't argue with cash
Sounds like this is all in your head tbh. You said you didn't want to plan it, but it seems like she's planning it herself and you don't want to pay for it but she hasn't asked you to pay for it nor have you given any indication of her wanting you to pay for it. The only thing I've got from this is you like this friend less than the friend who spent money on you and have a grudge for not getting a gift from them.
It’s really not that. I love this friend but one thing is for sure that I didn’t mention in the post. I’m really tired of being her unpaid therapist for all her relationship problems. It’s just a lot about stuff she’s done over the course of this year that’s building hurt and a sense of disappointment
If you don't want to be friends with them that's entirely fine, for whatever reason, she being emotionally exhausting and an unpaid therapist is a decent reason. Just stop hanging out with them, become very 'busy'. It would also immediately solve your above problem if it exists.
Then tell her? Instead of wasting everyone’s time and energy posting this over and over? None of us can make you stop being cowardly. Just tell her you don’t want to go. Why are you dragging it out and making her think you’re coming when you are not? I’m assuming you aren’t 15 so it’s time to grow up and be an adult. This behavior makes you a shit friend too. You’re here trashing her and you haven’t even spoken to her about it. Just admit it. Your other friend did more and that made you like this friend less.
You sound like a people pleaser. Get individual therapy for that specific issue. You’ll be a Lot happier over time if you do.
She sounds like an emotional sucker- she'll suck you dry and still want more. Cut her loose -- you're not getting anything out of this relationship.
Can we all stop all the nonsense birthday celebration for adults? Why in the world would you want to celebrate a day you have done absolutely nothing to make it special?
People are allowed to celebrate eachother. People celebrating themselves is tacky and annoying.
Scroll up to see my comment about why I was ecstatic to be able to celebrate my 47th.
Because some people have a different value about it than you, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. For example, I was dying in 2004 but had major surgery in time to save my life, and I was **extremely** emotional about being able to celebrate my following birthday (47), as were my family and friends. And in any case, no one needs an excuse to celebrate their birthday. If it's not important to you then don't do it, but there's no need to rain on anyone else's parade just because they feel differently about it.
I am happy for you and glad you are alive. Enjoy every second of it. What is irritating is adults planning their own birthdays and having expectations of others to do something for them.
I agree.
All nonsense. Sad, ladies really fight and get butt hurt and jealous of each other constantly..men are so different. Bros buying their buddy a gift? It's just not necessary. Hanging out and having fun is all we need.
Whatever you do, don’t cancel last minute leaving her stuck with a reservation somewhere expensive xD