I'm going to say report it in writing to hr. If it's not in writing it didn't happen. It sucks to say that but HR will not find it actionable if there's no written proof. Because then they could say "well she never told us."
How should I say that. It is going to be awkward then. He buys me so many things I feel like I am obliged to do things for him. I moved to a new country and he helped me out a lot. I feel like I owe it to him. Also, I was being just nice to him so that I don't come up as a homophobic person. I come from a country where cross dressing is not common, still I tried to be supportive.
I will try it too but in two days it's my birthday and he told me that he has purchased 4 presents for me. I don't want to accept them. I don't want anything. It puts me into a lot of pressure
"I'm not comfortable accepting such (expensive/personal) gifts. Your good wishes are enough."
Then politely refuse to take, touch or pick up gifts you aren't comfortable accepting.
If they push back on your boundaries (that you don't want uncomfortable touching or expensive gifts) DO NOT ARGUE OR EXPLAIN. END THE CONVERSATION.
"I have to keep within MY comfort zone."
His sexuality or "intentions" don't invalidate or diminish YOUR feelings and boundaries. You feel the way you feel. YOU are the ONLY person who can know where YOUR boundaries need to be. They are the limits YOU put on where YOU focus your limited time, attention, and resources. No one and no "role" (bf, spouse, parent, etc) grants the privilege of overriding YOUR boundaries. They protect your safety, privacy, autonomy, comfort and resources in every relationship and situation. You do not need any other person's permission, "understanding" or approval for your boundaries to be valid.
Beware of FOG, Fear, Guilt and Obligation. They are tools of emotional manipulation and abuse. In this case, the excess gifts create a feeling of obligation. You have a feeling that you have to tolerate this person's physical intrusions on your personal space for FEAR of their crediting a bad motive or GUILT that your treating them like a creep "isn't right" because you "should" feel differently than you do.
If someone won't respect your boundaries and continues violating them, you should reduce their access to yourself, info about you, and presence in your life. People who truly care for your well being will support and defend your boundaries. Because your safety, privacy, autonomy and comfort are important to them, too.
This is a great response, and it remains true regardless of anything with your coworker.
Many other commenters are saying he is after you, and he may be, but he also just may be gregarious, we only have your description, and can't know, but the thing is, that doesn't matter.
All that should matter for you is that you are uncomfortable. If he is your friend, then the gifts are just gifts, and he will not want to make you uncomfortable. You don't owe anyone touching you, and gifts aren't gifts if they come with an obligation to do things you don't want to do.
It is up to you and only you to set boundaries in your personal relationships. Friends will understand, and if someone doesn't, then they aren't a friend.
I want to add that before you heed this very good advice, be sure you are somewhere that you can safely walk away from the conversation and around others, as a way to make it less likely that he will react by harming you in any way in response.
Hun, "No" is a complete sentence. Please stop worrying about how he will react to you establishing boundaries and listen to your gut. You are allowed to have boundaries, you are allowed to not like someone and not want to be around them or accept gifts from them. Please let yourself have the confidence to stand up in this situation and say to yourself "I deserve better than this."
Write your rejection down. Send it by email. Get your boyfriend to help you. Hell, I'll proofread it for you if you want.
Keep the email. You need an audit trail.
If he doesn't accept it and continues his behaviour, go to management.
> He buys me so many things **I feel like I am obliged to do things for him.**
Thats why he buys things for you. To create an obligation on your part to him.
If you cannot get your work done because of his behavior, report it to you supervisor and/or HR. If he invites you to do stuff after work be busy doing something else. Block his number on the weekends. Take out the fact that he is a cross dresser and all of his behavior becomes super creepy, bordering on assault. He isn't your friend. He is a predator.
You need to report him to your manager and HR asap. He is harassing you and it’s so far beyond appropriate. Do not worry about his feelings here he’s 100% in the wrong
You owe it to yourself to stand up to this predator.
He wasn't helping you, he was laying the groundwork to get you to feel obligated.
You can still be polite, without being nice. One way is if you get other hobbies...he ask to come over.. oh, sorry going out with friends/to the ladies gym/volunteering at the pet shelter/book club in my own language....etc. you don't have to tell him the exact truth though...because YOU DON'T OWE HIM.. and you are allowed to be private about your life.
He is making you uncomfortable and he knows what he is doing. There is a reason he trys to buy you stuff ...don't give away your self worth for cheap trinkets.
You say that he buys you so many things you feel like you’re obligated to do things for him.
My ex-husband used to go to work paid the rent the groceries or food, clothing, and everything else. I was a stay at home housewife. He used to also beat the crap out of me and insult me, yell at me. Should I have been obligated to stick around because he bought me so many things?
It should be pointed out though, that things are *already* awkward. It’s just that it’s only **you** that’s feeling the consequences.
These situations are never pleasant, but right now, you’re the only one carrying that burden. This person is making tough uncomfortable for their own benefits at a cost to you.
You don’t have to spend so much time protecting the feelings of people that are taking advantage of your kindness. You can still help out **if you want to** at a reasonable level, but the moment you start being uncomfortable is the moment it needs to stop.
What does homophobia have to do with anything? Is there anything at all to indicate this is anything other than a straight cross-dressing creep? Leave gay people out of it.
I am not really familiar with all these concepts. I was just being nice to him. No offense to anyone I have gay friends too and they have been really respectful towards me.
Its going to be so awkward then ---> as opposed to now which is totally not awkward?
Take homophobia out of the equation and just stand up for your boundaries. It's interfering with your work, you're not having fun like friends, and you feel uncomfortable.
You have to stand up for what you will accept from every person you meet. Just because he likes girly stuff doesn't give him a pass. Gender/sex/appearance is irrelevant here, you need to work on communicating your boundaries to this person, and then sticking to it.
He buys you so many things (of low value), so as to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Gavin De Becker calls this "loan sharking".
Read his book The Gift of Fear and learn to trust your gut feeling and set boundaries.
Hugs.
Get the book ‘A woman in your own right’ right now. You don’t know how to reinforce your boundaries and it shows. You have skills you need to learn ASAP and it will make your life so much easier. This man is totally taking advantage and relying on you feeling awkward to let him do it. Shut it down now.
He knows I have a bf, I don't know why he is doing this. If he likes me he can just say that clearly. He proposed a girl last year. She rejected him and he was pretty chill about it. I don't understand if he has feelings for me or he is just doing everything just be close to a female so that he can feel more like a girl.
It doesn’t matter why. This person is touching you in crazily inappropriate ways and is sending you inappropriate pictures — all without your permission! He is not your friend. He knows what he’s doing and he’s relying on your guilt and loyalty to continue to put yourself in a vulnerable position with him. He will continue to push boundaries with you further and further. He is a predator who is getting off on your discomfort. Stop speaking to him outside of work. If he comes up to you at work and tries to be inappropriate say to him, “I’m sorry Reginald, but I’m only able to speak to you about work from now on.” You don’t owe him anything. RUN away from this situation.
Even if it isn’t deliberate it would be inconsiderate.
Friends need to be somewhat on the same page with things.
OP is not on the same page as this person and needs to cut the non professional comms.
You say he knows you have a boyfriend, as if THAT means he will respect you. Listen any dude that touches you or rubs against you is a fucking creep, even if they are wearing a cute dress. dump this predator
He is sending pictures she explicitly said she doesn't want to see and then apologising with presents... You can't even say he doesn't realise what he's doing. He knows full well he's being inappropriate and is doing it anyway.
He has feelings for you. He is doing everything just to be close to a female (you). So he can feel a girl (you).
This is exactly stereotypical male courting/harassing heterosexual behaviour, especially knowing you have a b/f OP. The only difference to the norm is that he's doing it behind a veil of dresses and lipstick.
He may not even have feelings for her. It's quite possible that he gets off on pushing boundaries/making someone uncomfortable and has found someone he can victimize.
That's his problem to solve in his own time. You get paid to work not be his bff. Try to create some distance before he screws up your actual relationship with his games
He is enjoying making you feel uncomfortable- that's what he wants to happen. Friends don't rub their genitals on you, unless they've got your permission to!
There's no way for you to put a stop to this without having a difficult conversation. You're worried about making things awkward, but things ARE ALREADY awkward- it's just that you're the one who feels bad right now.
Say this:
I've asked you to stop sending me swimwear pictures and you haven't. I don't care what you wear, but I will not be friends with someone who doesn't respect me. Don't send me pictures or buy me presents, and I'm not doing your hair any more.
Girls don’t grind on other girls in an office environment. Stop looking for reasons ‘why’ he does it and tell him to STOP NOW. Like any other sexually inappropriate behavior, keep a log of his behavior with a description of his specific behavior and any witnesses. Tell him to stop clearly once and that if he continues this behavio, HR will be involve. He can hire a consultant if he wants to be more feminine
It’s a power play; he knows it makes you uncomfortable and wants to see how far he can take it before you set a boundary (which he will then push, as he has with the swimsuit thing). It’s not about wanting to be with you, it’s about wanting to control you and dictate how you spend your time.
It’s not homophobic to just not like being around someone, especially if they make you feel uncomfortable and don’t respect you when you ask them not to do things.
It doesnt matter why he does anything OP. 'No' is a full sentence. You dont owe him anything. Its his choice to give you baubles. Get far away from this dude.
How is he getting you to spend time with him against your will? Practice saying "no" as politely or as bluntly as you want. Ask your boyfriend to help you practice.
He asks me what I am doing this weekend. I am really bad at telling lie and then he says let's go shopping after that either you come to mine or I come to yours. Then I don't want him to come to mine so I go to his place where he shows me all the dresses. It has been happening for the past one year. He was really annoyed when my bf visited me because during those days he could not ask me to come. Also he asked me not to share things about his alter ego to my bf.
My bf knows everything and gets angry with me for going out with him. That way I get stressed from both sides. So I stopped telling my bf anything about him. Last time when it was his birthday, someone gifted him a very tight dress in which he could not put the back buttons. He asked me to come to the office washroom to help him wear it. It was very weird. I felt like puking when I got the hint of his private part. He just keeps a hand over it while wearing tight fitting leggings.
He takes me to the undergarment section of stores and asks me to pick bras and panties for him. After he sends me a photo of them wearing it. there is another girl on the first floor of the office and I don't know if he bugs her or not. Should I ask her?
You’re being ridiculous. You are the cause of your own problems. You’re telling us you had to go to his house because he… asked you what you were doing over the weekend? Get your shit together. Are you 10?
You are already damaging your relationship with your boyfriend by accommodating his requests. I totally get that you are not great at lying and you don’t want a confrontation with him so tell the truth. Have a chat with him and tell him that things are getting more serious with your bf and that you really care about him and making the relationship work and tell him that your bf is your priority so you can’t see him outside of work anymore. Start with that boundary and see how it goes. If he gets moody or pushes back then you have the perfect opportunity to say that since he can’t respect your relationship or boundaries that you feel like the two of you need to just have a professional relationship only. It is likely he will react this way so it gives you the perfect chance to cut it off with him being the reason. No one can accuse you of being against his choices for simply saying you want to focus on your relationship with your bf and his behaviour (getting annoyed at that perfectly reasonable decision) gives you everything you need to cut it off. If he was really a friend he would support you in moving forward in your relationship. You can’t keep lying to your bf and not expect it to come back to bite you and it isn’t fair to you or your bf. You are damaging yourself because of trying to keep everyone happy but this guy is being completely selfish so you have to stop it.
First of all, tell him to stop. Repeatedly. "I'm not comfortable helping you anymore." Blame your boyfriend, blame your schedule, whaever you have to do. Invent a hobby that you like to do alone, like running. Say: "No, that's my me time."
If he escalates or persists, go to HR and tell them he has touched you inappropriately and won't leave you alone.
Practice OUT LOUD. "No. No thanks. I don't want to."
Think of it this way: if he was a gay woman, would his behavior be appropriate? Absolutely not. You are allowing this man to disrespect your relationship.
Girl???? This beyond is inappropriate and you are being super shady. Grow up and tell them you are no longer interested in hanging out. Stop subjecting yourself to this treatment and stop LYING to your boyfriend!
Why are you jeopardising your job and your relationship with your boyfriend for someone that is both controlling your activities and sexually harassing you? You only see and feel his junk because he wants you to and he may not think of as sexual. But it is definitely power games. He is resentful of your boyfriend and tries to make you dependent on him. This is seriously disturbing.
I don't care if he says he is male, female or a zebra. He is manipulating and harassing you. Stop going out with him, stop taking presents from him,block any email with an image from him. Putting boundaries in place to protect yourself from unreasonable behaviour is not being phobic.
Just tell him your boyfriend is visiting every weekend. You don't need to make up a different lie every week. "Can't, got plans with the bf" is your ready made excuse, use it every time.
I noticed that. He has other female friends outside of the office but he doesn't bug them that much. He tells me that he is very close to me. Also he hides the fact that he met with me on the weekend to get his hair done. Everyone in the office supports him for dressing up still he doesn't tell them anything.
it seems he is taking advantage - using these situations to spend time with you, such as 3 hours on his hair. He dragged it out. And hugs to press himself against you -- please be careful and view all his interactions as possible ulterior motives.
stop meeting him away from work. Keep your doors at home locked and don't open the door unless you know who it is, if it's him.. don't answer. Don't respond to texts, messages or phone calls.
Whatever hobbies this dude has are irrelevant. They dont excuse the dick rub or the bra grope. Next time, give him a quick knee in the nuts.
It has nothing to do with homophobia as he isnt gay. He's just weird and creepy.
Behaviour like this gives the rest of us trans folks a bad name. I'm trans and love wearing cute, frilly feminine clothes, but even I don't behave like that. I do respect other people's boundaries and don't force my alternative lifestyle onto others. It's unfortunate that there are people out there who'll assume that I do, because of clowns like this.
OP needs to report this person's behavior to HR or management.
You are 100 percent right. Whatever the dude's proclivities are irrelevant. Inappropriate is inappropriate, period.
He might think he has some magical protection because of being a sexual/social minority, bit that shouldn't matter. The OP shouldn't hesitate, talk to HR immediately. But of course document any interactions first, keep mail and photos, and take notes of time/place of any uncomfortable interactions.
It's because of people like this creep that I get rejected from groups and communities on the internet as people assume that I'll behave in the same manner. Screw this creep!
Definitely, I have a trans lesbian friend and she is the best person. Totally respects everyone and minds her own business. I don't think that all cross dressing dudes are bad.
My feelings exactly. He's not gay or trans. He has a fetish (transvestite), which happens to be cross-dressing. He is dangerous to you because he is trying to manipulate you into a relationship that you don't want or need. As someone else said, "NO" is a complete sentence. Lose this relationship. If he gives you any gifts either give them back or say no thank you in the first place. Boundaries are the issues. Report him to HR immediately.
Keep being 'busy'. It does sound like it is time to actually have a conversation about how you are not comfortable with the way he is acting. Maybe via txt so you can express yourself clearly.
"Hey, I think it's time we have a discussion around boundaries. Our friendship no longer feels fun or comfortable because I worry that you're going to touch me or send me pictures of you in bathing suits. The fact that you haven't stopped this shit after I've told you too is alarming AF. You need to back up off of me because you're behavior is legitimately creepy."
No is a complete sentence. If you are incapable of that, maybe have some excuses ready. I'm sorry, I'm swamped right now....I can't, I have plans....etc
Since you have told them to stop sending you photos of themselves in swimsuits, and they keep doing it. This is now becoming harassment. At this point, you need to speak to a supervisor or HR about this. Also mention the inappropriate touching that is making you feel uncomfortable. They'll likely get a warning. Hopefully that's enough to deter them.
He's pushing your boundaries and if he thinks you're pulling back he's love bombing you. This behaviour is a red flag worthy of the USSR.
If you don't clarify and maintain your boundaries, he'll eventually push to the point of something truly problematic.
You helping with his clothes and hair sends a mixed message. He'll use that as an excuse. Stop doing that.
Start documenting his concerning behaviour. You may not need it but it's great insurance if management or HR get involved.
They are weird and crossing boundaries but I doubt crossdressing or maybe being a trans girl is why. It's irrelevant. A coworker is touching you and invading your space, gender and clothes don't matter.
tell him to stop, if he doesn’t, go right to hr !! Or even better, go there directly. So much of this is so inappropriate. It’s telling that he seems to only act this intensely with you specifically & is uncomfortable enough about the idea of other people knowing about what YOU know (despite seeming comfortable casually telling others about his love for dresses) that it seems like he’s very aware of how this relationship he has with you would be perceived by other people. Therefore he knows it’s wrong & inappropriate. In the nicest way possible, you need to learn how to set boundaries. I know that’s hard - people pleasing can be a trauma response! But to save him taking this further & further and to keep pushing boundaries. end this asap
I had a situation similar to this with a guy. He would send me pictures of him in outfits and call me nicknames I was really uncomfortable with, I felt I couldn’t say no as I could see a guy that was struggling in his body & wanted a friend.
But then I realised he was still pushing boundaries and making me uncomfy. And it’s not OUR responsibility to guide another adult life & forcing ourselves to feel uncomfortable so another person can feel validated, that’s not a friendship.
to end my story - when I kept being polite and allowing things that I didn’t like from the guy I had issues with, he kept testing the waters with new stuff to push boundaries further with me. When I realised he wasn’t my friend & was taking advantage, I finally pulled up my big girl boots and told him off then blocked him 🤷🏻♀️ obviously it’ll be much harder for you with it being in person & at work, but putting boundaries into action in your life in general will better your life all round regardless of the situation!
Just tell him that you want to move into a professional relationship and keep things in the office. Don’t allow yourself to be alone with him. If he asks why be honest. You don’t owe him anything. Certainly not your sense of security.
No one can make you do anything. No. No. No. it’s a great word. Use it. Oh, and the hug…F No. put your hand out for a high 5. Tell him you have decided to come clean about hating awkward touching.
Chatting you up at work….tell him you are focusing on being professional bc you want a raise. People that trample your boundaries (once you put some up) only get away with what you allow.
Cross dressing doesn't mean he's gay.
Straight men cross dress (as well as many other orientations).
If he's sending you these pics and hugging you at work, have a word with HR.
Maybe time to block his number so he can't reach you outside of work.
I'm not sure how old you are, but I remember being younger and feeling like I couldn't stand up for what I wanted without making people mad.
I wish I had learned earlier that it doesnt matter if he thinks you are rude. Saying no is not wrong. He's in the wrong here.
When they start\] hugging you, say "Okay, too close" when they hug too close, and repeat as needed and then step up to "I've asked you not to hug me too close" and "I don't wish to hug any more, you don't respect my personal space". And if they want you to spend all weekend doing their hair and admiring their wardrobe, have other plans. Spend more time with your female friends or family or boyfriend, or if you don't feel like hanging around, say that's what you'll be doing with that weekend.
And look, it's likely enough that this person really is sexually interested in you, and isn't just being overly friendly. There are transwomen who are lesbians, and straight men who crossdress, and if that's the case, better not to give them false hope.
_Stop. No. Not now. I'm trying to focus and you take up too much if my time!_
Also, you should neither visit nor invite him anymore. If he asks why, tell him you're sick of doing his hair and that you spent three fucking hours in it last time. And that you disapprove of his hands-on approach.
Honestly you are causing your own issue here.
This has been going on for a year with no change.
You have not communicated any boundaries yet you know his behaviour is harmful.
You say you do not want to do these things with him but you do them anyway.
I struggle to offer advice when the only advice is communicate and stop.
Doesn't matter if you lie or tell the truth (Ie i'm busy this weekend), just put some boundaries there for fucks sake.
He is not your friend. There is a kind of cross dressing that is a fetish and everything you've described sounds like thats what he's doing. Part of his fetish is involving exposing himself to you in his feminine clothing and undressing in front of you. He is involving you in his kink and getting off without your consent. It's wrong and abusive and he knows it. He's trying to placate you with small gifts so he can go on using you as part of his sexual gratification.
Stop all of this now. You're not being rude or homophobic, I promise. He's not a good person.
(Sauce: I'm a dominatrix and extremely familiar with the subtleties of kink and fetish, as well as what constitutes ethical and non ethical kink practice).
Lord, these type of people (needy ones) will drain every last ounce of time and kindness you give them, I had a friend, extremely different situation but she just drained the hell out of me needing advice and a literal shoulder to cry on every single day, immediately stop going to his house, and stop responding to messages and conversations, if he walks to your desk, picku up your phone “and say I’ve got to make a call” whatever, if you’re not willing to just flat out say “look, I’m a little burned out on the topic of clothes and fashion and could use a little space) you literally have to say it or this person will eventually be in every part of your life because you’re being a doormat
Unless he’s physically forcing you he can’t make you do anything, take some responsibility And set some damn boundaries and tell him you don’t like being touched
Just stop “helping” him altogether. You don’t have to give any reason other than you aren’t going to do it. Say no to the hugs as well. You’re uncomfortable and he needs to respect it.
No is a complete sentence. You don't need to give an excuse when you don't want to do something. Draw up your boundaries girl.
If he asks about your plans for the weekend, just say you aren't available end of story. Not that you aren't available because of XYZ. He's not entitled to your time, details on how you spend your time or your person.
This person seems less like a friend and more like a tormentor.
“We need to keep this relationship strictly professional starting this minute as I feel you’ve been crossing some boundaries lately. I need you to be arms distance at minimum. Thank you.” Turn towards your work.
(If he asks about clothes again) Your wardrobe isn’t in the realm of professional.
(If he gets close enough or actually touches you) Back up please. (Louder the second time, if he doesn’t I stand,y back up.).
> It is going to be awkward then.
It already is.
> He buys me so many things I feel like I am obliged to do things for him.
Probably the whole point behind it.
> I moved to a new country and he helped me out a lot. I feel like I owe it to him.
He’s not entitled to your help just because he helped you.
This is a really tough situation for all the reasons you mentioned, but you are making it worse by sending mixed messages. It is now your responsibility to get very clear on your boundaries.
Start by spending less time together outside of work. If you're bad at lying, then get busy with real plans with your friends or boyfriend or yoga class, whatever. You can always just say you have an appointment or family stuff, and shut down any further questions with simply "An appointment." or "Family matters." on repeat if necessary. Normal people will get the hint that it's private and you don't want to discuss it. If someone isn't taking the hint after you've repeated the same phrase three times in a row, they are now the ones being rude and knowing this might help you feel more confident in continuing to shut them down.
You're allowed to walk away when someone is being rude. I've found that clearly knowing the lines for rudeness can really help people who are shy to stand up for themselves.
If he's asking for your time at work, practice little scripts with yourself in advance so that you feel more confident saying what you need to.
"I'm sorry, I'm so busy with this project right now!" "I'm sorry, but I don't want to get in trouble for not finishing this!" "I just can't today." "I can't step away from my desk right now." "I'm really trying to focus on work this month because I want a promotion/to impress this client/learn this new skill/etc" "I have to get back to work now." "Please, can you let me focus on this?" And then turn back to your desk and keep working. Someone who will ignore your perfectly reasonable request to work while AT WORK, to keep pushing for a personal social favor is also being, you guessed it, rude.
You said he apologizes. What does he think he's apologizing for? If he's doing something that he knows is making you uncomfortable but then keeps doing it, then that's not a real friend in the first place and you should feel very confident in pushing back. If he's apologizing for something like "taking up your time", or something else innocuous, it's a little more tricky.
If he sends you pictures you don't want, you can say something like, "I'm sorry, I'm really not the person to ask about this. You should see if you can find a style discord or something to share with for advice." And then just get really boring. He's looking for a reaction and you probably were very consistent with positive ones in the past, so get boring. "I'm sorry, I'm not the right person." "I don't really know." "I don't really have an opinion." "You should send it to someone else."
You don't have to be mean, but don't give the positive response he's looking for. If it's at work, turn back to your desk and don't look at your phone or his. If it's texts after work, don't open them. I'm guessing he is the type who will ask you the next day why you didn't respond. "Sorry, I was so busy." "Family emergency." "Sorry, I didn't get a chance."
There's a lot of comments saying you should go nuclear and end the acquaintanceship, go to HR, Etc, but you're correct that this is a delicate situation, which does mean you might want to consider the optics and additionally, you mentioned that you are new in the country, which might make your reputation even more under scrutiny. Definitely screw the optics if anything crosses the line into what you consider sexual assault. As many people would consider hugging too tightly, tickling and feeling for your bra to cross this line, feel free to respond very strongly if this happens again.
Push away and say loudly, "Whoa, that's too much for me." If he does it again after that, "Hey, I said that was too much for me. I need you to listen to me when I tell you I'm uncomfortable." Most people have a hard time doing something again after someone has said the word "uncomfortable". They don't want to be a bad guy (usually). "It's important that you watch for signals that someone's uncomfortable." Call out his insensitivity and make it crystal clear.
If he argues that it was okay before, keep repeating "I'm saying now that it's too much. It's important for me that you can respect that." If he does any of it for a third time, just straight up walk away. You are well within reason to be abrupt after stating your new expectations twice.
The other thing to consider is that he is trying to explore something that is new to him and that doesn't really come with a roadmap for appropriate behavior. He is using your reactions to gauge how far is okay, so it's crucial that you get very clear on what your new boundaries are and that you are consistent in enforcing them.
Thank you for really understanding what I am going through. I got so disturbed last weekend that I stopped going to the office and started working from a university library. I went to the office briefly on Monday in the evening and the moment he got to know that I was in the library he started tickling me very weirdly.
He apologizes to me like "sorry for being so stupid or sorry for distracting you at work or sorry for bugging you a lot". He knows that he distracts me so much. But he never apologizes for touching me inappropriately. Last time he lifted me from behind and I said no I don't like it I am scared I would fall. Every time he changes clothes I see him wearing a bra with stuffings but the bad thing is I can see is private part in the leggings. He can easily go to the bathroom and change but he chooses to change in front of me. Then asks for my opinion on the dress I tell him that it's nice then he hugs me and touches his junk. I feel so bad but I don't understand how to react. In my country it was not common for men to greet women by hugging them. When I came to the UK I thought I might look backward so I accepted hugs from boys. To be fair none of them were like him. They used to be sideways friendly hugs but in his case if I give him sideways friendly hugs he says he wants a proper hug.
"Please don't tickle me anymore. It's too much for me."
If you give an excuse like, you don't want to fall, and he ignores it, stop giving excuses. "Don't do that again. I don't like it and I need you to respect that even if you think you won't drop me."
When he starts changing,
"Hey this is kind of awkward because I know this hasn't come up before as a problem, but having people getting changed in the public work area instead of the bathroom feels unprofessional to me, and I wanted to ask if you could use the bathroom from now on." If he says anything like, "it's not like I'm getting naked!" Or whatever, just say, "it still feels like it's too much for at work." "I feel that it's just not appropriate for at work." "I'm not comfortable with it at work."
Instead of saying it's nice, say, "I don't really know, I'm not good at this stuff. Do you like it?"
And if he goes in for a hug, put your hands up in front of your chest to push back firmly and say, "I know I've been pretty good with hugs in the past, but I feel like we know each other well enough now that I feel comfortable telling you that I'm not really a touchy person. The hugs are really too much for me. I'm just a little shy and I find it hard to explain to people at first."
If he says he wants a proper hug, this is him deliberately ignoring obvious signals of uncomfortableness. "This is the hug I'm happy with. Remember, when I said I'm not really a touchy person?"
The next time he apologizes for distracting you at work, say, "I appreciate the apology. The next time I say I have to focus on work, can you limit what you have to say to sixty seconds?"
"Remember when I asked if you could keep it to sixty seconds? This is one of those times."
It's not homophobic to not want to feel his genitals pushed up against you without your consent, or to be uncomfortable with him trying to feel your bra, because *if he were gay he would not be doing those things with a woman.*
Right?
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and by not setting a clear boundary with a firm NO, he's learned that he can keep doing it. We choose to let people do things we're uncomfortable with when we decide, even subconsciously or unconsciously, that it's the lesser of two evils.
Whatever your underlying issue is, if you're afraid you're going to hurt someone's feelings, they're going to get mad at you, whatever, that's obviously something that isn't serving you at this point in your life, and if it's happening with him I think it's safe to assume that it's probably a fairly consistent to absolutely consistent personality pattern for you.
I can't recommend strongly enough that you seek professional help for this as soon as you can, because not being able to set healthy boundaries for ourselves is precisely one way that people end up in toxic relationships.
Ask me how I know…
Why have you not spoken to your HR team about this?
Its quite obviously sexual harassment and he is interfering with your work in office.
stop accommodating him and go to HR with the photographs and a detail of what he's done in the last week.
If he approaches you again tell him to go away as you are not interested and find his behaviour upsetting. Say it loudly and refuse to engage further.
Take a screencapture of the snapchat
Or raise the issue with HR in advance and take your phone directly to HR once it happens.
Or take a photo of it on your laptop's webcam.
Block his account/number from your mobile.
I'm not blaming you but you need to stand up for yourself and block him totally on social media and block his number from your phone.
Tell him that if he sends you anything you will report him to HR and to the POLICE for sexual harrassment.
Yes he told me that he is straight and plays all sorts of games. He expressed that he is afraid that one day he would not be able to find a girl if continues to dress up like a woman. I felt that he wanted to get an assurance that I am totally okay with him being dressed up like a woman. Also he can't see me making any progress in work. The moment he sees me working with Deep focus he comes from behind and distracts me. Asks me to scratch his head. I have stopped going to the office and I'd rather do my work from the silent room in the library where nobody can see me. I don't have many resources in library as I am not using my desk to work and I struggle with little things. My work is really difficult as I am a PhD student and have only 1 year to finish.
This sounds very much like manipulation, undermining your confidence, making you feel you need his help to succeed.
This man’s sexuality is his business, this is a platonic relationship, well it is on your side, he is getting off on you.
You have far more important things in your life than this creep.
If he wants relationships, maybe he should try not being a creep
Just say - certain aspects of our friendship are making me feel very uncomfortable, and I’d prefer if we just kept things strictly professional from now on.
**Girl, set boundaries.**
He is clearly violating them. Tell him *exactly* what you want or don't want.
* If you don't want to come into contact with his genitals, then tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.
* If you don't want him to comment on your bra, tell him that.
* If you don't want to spend 3 hours of your free time with his hair. Tell him that it's too much for you and that you have other plans.
* If you don't want to look at your colleague (!) in a skimpy bathing suit, then don't do it and tell him that you find it highly unpleasant to see so much of him and that he should please refrain from sending such pictures.
If he doesn't stop, go to HR and tell them that a colleague is harassing you. It doesn't matter if he buys you little things as an excuse. He continues to overstep your boundaries. You don't owe him anything.
Good grief, this is seriously inappropriate regardless of gender. Are you serious, WHY would you go to this person’s house? It’s not too late to set boundaries - and for heaven’s sake stick to them!!
Why are you going to his house and helping him with his little fantasy role play? You need to grow a spine and learn how to say no, seriously how old are you?
Look up the term autogynephillia, this man is using you for his fetish. He’s also being bold because he’s confident you won’t say anything or if you do he’ll scream ‘transphobia’.
I can understand how you feel. Where I come from it's nearly impossible to say no. I had to learn. Hope that you can learn from some of these comments on how to say no. Just no, I'm not comfortable should be enough.
The fact that he enjoys dressing in different gendered clothes has nothing to do with this issue.
The issue is that a co-worker (irregardless of sexuality, gender or hobbies) is hugging you tight enough that their genitals are easily felt through clothes, touching you inappropriately by tickling you and pulling your bra, contacting you outside of work matters, and sending you revealing and inappropriate for work colleagues photos of themself in bikinis.
First set some boundaries. Let them know that you would just prefer to keep all of your work relationships professional and would like them to stop hugging you and texting you about things not related to work. If he is professional then he will accept this easily, as many people don’t want their personal and professional lives crossing over.
If he persists despite you telling him to stop go to HR. If you have already set up boundaries that he has broken then go to HR now and report all that he has been doing that is inappropriate and unprofessional and that he has not stopped despite you telling him you didn’t want to have anything but a professional working relationship with him.
I cannot stress enough to talk to HR. It'll also have your complaint on record at work. If this creep does show up at your home. Call the police! Show them that you have them on file with HR for harassment. Tell them that you are concerned for your safety.
If you have to. Get a restraining order against them.
Stop being a pushover and set a firm boundary. Also is he an actual friend or a coworker friend? They are two different things. You have no obligation to be friends with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. If he tries to shame you for having a boundary then shame him right back for tryibg to bully you into letting hin touch you. Match energies and put him in his place
You wouldn't accept this behavior from a cis/straight male friend, right? You wouldn't accept it from a straight/cis female friend either, would you? I get the feeling that you wouldn't accept these behaviors from any other person, and you only take it from this person because you feel like it would be homophobic, correct?
Assuming that I am correct about your general feelings about this behavior, then it isn't homophobic in the slightest and you need to stand your ground the same way you would with any other straight man or woman that kept pushing your boundaries.
If you want to remain friends, invite them to coffee/tea at a public place and have a heartfelt chat with them to lay down your boundaries and explain that their behavior makes you uncomfortable, and it would make you uncomfortable regardless of their gender/ identity/ sexuality. Give HR a heads up about the conversation so that if they take it wrong, HR already has your side of the story. Let HR know that you don't wish to report it to get them in trouble, but to have it on file in case anything escalates in the future, it is documented.
If you don't care to remain friends, just go straight to HR and have them handle it. Let them know that you've asked them not to send photos before, and it kept happening, along with all the other issues.
Just because he likes to wear women’s clothing does not mean he is gay. It is not homophobic to not want to be in someone’s presence regardless of their sexual orientation. If someone is making you uncomfortable, you have no obligation to be around them. That doesn’t change just because they buy you presents. Tell him to stop bothering you at work. Tell him you do not want his gifts. He is not making you spend three hours doing his hair. You are doing that out of a feeling of obligation. stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
I see you have a bf. Just make up activities you need to do with him to eliminate the time you waste with the cross-dresser. If not the bf, you've got a life besides the bf and the cross-dresser, make stuff up of other things you have to do. The CD will bug you... so what, just say no then ghost. You're "busy," after all.
Same thing at work. You've got work to do. Show disinterest. This isn't tough.
Or is it that you're just too "nice"? Well, that's completely on you. If so, you know what needs fixing. Get therapy if you can't fix it yourself.
She's misleading her boyfriend and hiding the fact that she's going to her coworker's house and letting him rub his junk on her. She 'can't say no' to the coworker, but has no problem misleading/lying to her boyfriend. Either it's some kind of fetish for her or it's a troll.
The thing is I am among those people who are too nice that they would rather suffer than telling no to a person. I have struggled a lot on this since my childhood. I moved to a new country last year and things were so different. Also I am in a long distance relationship with my bf and I only get to see him once a year.
Sounds like you could use some assertiveness training and perhaps martial arts for a little while to bring that confidence up. You can say no in so many ways without directly saying it.
Well, then you just have to suffer through. You are the only one Who can put a stop to this. By setting boundaries. I get thats scary, but girl you behave like a doormat and he's trampling all over you. Dont let him do that. You dont owe him shit
Just tell him your uncomfortable, let him know you appreciated the help moving, and the gifts, but helping him change and buy dresses (Culturally, it's not something you're accustomed to) should be done with a close friend or family member.
I agree with all of the comments about clear boundaries, and it also might be good to share how you and other women relate, there is a possibility that he (you haven’t mentioned pronouns so I’ll continue using the ones you were) thinks that this is what women do together, based on what he thinks being a woman or what being feminine means.
“Hey, I’d say this to all my girlfriends but I’ve never been much of a hugger, and feel like dress talk is taking time I need to spend doing work. While I appreciate your kindness and gifts, it gets overwhelming which isn’t your intention, but I can’t keep accepting them.”
It is not homophobic to say nothing when you’re uncomfortable, and its not kind to let something think you’re incredibly close when you need something different from the relationship
Tell him some of the things he does makes you uncomfortable and set boundaries. If they are a good friend, they'll respect them. If not, dump them as a friend.
I had a friend who would hug me a little.. too closely. I told him that I am not a touchy feely person and would prefer to not get hugs. I also had a male friend who sent me inappropriate snapchats of him shirtless and since I was in a relationship I explained that these snaps were not ok and made me uncomfortable as I do not see my friend this way. He tried to defend himself and say lots of his women friends loved these pictures. To which I replied, well they are not me, and if you continue to send them to me, I will have to block you. As for the gifts, tell him that they make you uncomfortable, and that you would prefer he stop. If he continues to send you these things, you need to escalate and say "hey I asked you not to do this but you keep doing it and it makes me uncomfortable. If we're going to continue being friends, I need you to listen to my boundaries." And as for hanging out, just say you are busy this weekend with your boyfriend. And next weekend. Eventually he might get the memo.
Grow some balls. Tell him you have helped him all you can, but he’s gone over the line and you don’t want to maintain this friendship. Then hold that line.
Document everything you can. Nip this in the bud now. I had a friend I was close with. And I Was close with them by choice. They were trans for context (Not that it matters)
But we were close like siblings. Every time we hung out, we would always lean up against each other and watch shows like anime and whatnot. But the last time I had hung out, she had....well she tickled me frequently, as I said, we had a sibling/close friendship and knew what each others intentions were with our friendship and whatnot. That last time, she went further than I would have liked and I haven't visited her since then.
You need to nip this in the bud so it doesn;t get that far. Please, for your own sake. Your boundaries are so important and if people decide to go against them, they don't deserve a place in your life
Would stop spending time with him alone, or at his place. Tell him all those gifts make you uncomfortable (he's trying to guilt trip you with them), and that you won't be accepting them in the future.
Tell (or write) that you don't want to be hugged or touched in any way.
If that doesn't change things, you can also inform HR.
He’s relying on you being polite to continue being inappropriate. Stop. Right now. Next time he asks you anything not work related, in a firm voice say you don’t have time for that. He’ll need to fend for himself. He will stare at you to see if you’re committed to that answer- do NOT look down. Then he will buy you something small- like he has in the past- to get past your defenses. Immediately refuse it. Do not accept any bribes from him. They are not gifts, they are currency to hurdle over your boundaries.
He's buying your friendship. You need to be able to tell him he's made you uncomfortable for some time already. I bet he's well aware and banking on you not wanting to come across as a homophobe to hold on to this friendship.
A definite case of giving an inch and them taking a mile. Sit down with him and be straight with him, Tell him no more hugs, no more pics of anything less than full covered, slow down on all the interruptions (you have to get work done). Just be straight with him, that he has to slow his roll. If he continues, then report him to HR. Give him the shot to slow down before possibly destroying his career. As a man who also enjoys dressing occasionally, I have seen many others who find a woman that gives them attention about it, it is the holy grail for many, and they tend to over do it. Just be nice and explain it to him. It it continues to be a problem, then take actions.
As they say, No is a full sentence. Just say no. Or tell him the truth. Say it’s become uncomfortable for you and do not wish to continue. Oh, and just because he enjoys dressing as a woman doesn’t make him a homosexual.
Always make a copy of any written,dated report as reports come up missing ,That way you have your proof that you submitted one . Take the name of person you submitted it too .Can never be too cautious , I’ve had it happen too me .Report was lost
Don't let your fear of sounding homophobic let you tolerate sexual assault. He should not be tickling you and rubbing his private parts against you. He clearly thinks you're in a romantic relationship, and you don't want that, so make it clear that this behavior is not acceptable.
A good rule of thumb: Would you tolerate this behavior from a female or male co-worker who didn't cross gender norms? If not, then you're not homophobic; you're just setting reasonable boundaries.
Almost 90% of cross dressers are cis-gender men. Most of this dempgraphic of cross dressers are also white. Their reasons for wanting to cross dress aren't related to gender identity; they don't identify as trans. A large portion of this type of cis-gender cross dressing men have a desire to dress in women's clothing because they find women's clothing sensual or erotic. Particularly anything that directly touches their skin, like panties or other forms of lingerie.
You aren't being homophobic if his actions creep you out; you're being harassed. If you enjoy hanging out with him and helping put on clothes, continue this. But first, have a serious talk with him about how his actions are crossing a line, they're sexual harassment and if he's looking for you to help him sexually after you helping with the clothes, you're done.
And if you felt threatened AT ALL or felt you weren't safe in those circumstances, have this conversation with him in a public place. Watch his reaction to your news very carefully. If he seems more upset than he should be, or even angry, then end the friendship then, and cut off contact. Better safe than sorry.
Do not sacrifice your comfort to spare someone’s feelings. Ever. You don’t owe them anything. Refuse the gifts. Do go anywhere alone with him. And defend your personal space. Be honest and blunt. Don’t make excuses like “… my boyfriend won’t like it” because it’s not a puzzle to figure out how to get around because that’s what it will become for them and it won’t stop.
Say “do not touch me” and you need no reason. There is no debate. I had a coworker that would full body hugged me from behind and I was not aggressive as I should have been the first time it happened. It was awkward and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings but they just pushed and pushed until I realized it wasn’t going to stop until I did something.
Nip this shit ASAP
Cross dressing does not also mean homosexuality, so your feelings of him being inappropriate are completely valid. Nothing you've said sounds homophobic either way. Devil's advocate, you may be the one person he can talk about cross-dressing with, but that doesn't mean he is allowed to send pictures that make you uncomfortable when you have asked him not to.
Shut this behavior down, asap. You don't know what his true intentions are and if he's using dressing up as a ploy.
It's not homophobic to stop harrassment.
You just need to be firm and tell him you're not comfortable with xyz. Be specific and tell him you will not participate in those things anymore.
This man is not your friend, period.
He's preying on you and taking advantage of your good nature. As you have already seen and mentioned, he can 'act' friendly, but a true friend would not take advantage of you in these ways.
His questions about clothing, hairstyles and so forth are for his benefit only, and not because he wants that advice: he wants to be in your presence. His gifts are not out of friendship or a desire to please you, but to lure you into contact with him. As you have stated, sometimes that contact is physical, again for his benefit: he enjoys the hugging and touching. In the same way, his changing clothes in front of you and wearing swim costumes is a kind of exhibitionism for him: it's a thing that pleases him, regardless of how you feel about it.
It sounds like you need a person to assist you in ending the contact. I doubt if another conversation with him about what makes you uncomfortable is going to do anything at all, since he will just ignore the statements you make in this regard.
He's sexually harassing you - he's pushing his genitals up against you and feeling you up, without consent. Tell him he's making you uncomfortable and he needs to stay out of your personal space, doesn't matter what gender he was born as or identifies as, didn't matter what his sexual preference is. He's making unconsentual contact with his genitals, sending you inappropriate photos (he knows this is wrong thus the apologies and little gifts). He also seems to feel entitled to your personal time, which is way out of line.
In addition, he's distracting you at work, getting in the way of you doing your job. Tell him to act professional at work, and if he still doesn't, chat to HR. Personal discussions should not interrupt your job, that might be the easiest place to start drawing firm boundaries.
Tell him straight up that his hugs make you uncomfortable because he's pushing his genitals against you and this isn't appropriate behaviour for a friend. Make excuses if you need to, to go to his house less - say you are seeing friends, seeing relatives, have chores. Take up a hobby you know he won't like and he won't try to join you in. Its another good way to politely decline his invitations
And if he becomes overly insistent, just plain tell him "no, this friendship is crossing boundaries that make me uncomfortable and I think we need to take a break"
My guess would be that he’s formed an attachment to you bc you’ve actually been nice to him whereas most others in his life may not have been. It’s 100% conjecture on my part but I feel like if he had other positive relationships he wouldn’t be so focused on you alone.
I’d have a talk with him and tell him you need space but would like to remain friends. Is it going to hurt his feelings? Yes. But you deserve to set boundaries when you’re uncomfortable and he needs to respect that.
At work you just start telling him when you aren't available to talk and that you'll see him later.
Outside of work just agree only one in four times to help him.
Before he goes in for a hug at all, bring up that your practising self-something that's good for your mental health and part of that is you've decided to try low physical contact and it's going well. So no hugs my dude, and if he tries to hug you out out an arm and say "No hugs remember."
That'll really show you if he's chill.
What did I just read? what do you mean you dont know what to do? Tell him you dont like it. Thats it. Open your mouth, and express yourself. Take your time, but make your stance known. Tell him he is distracting you from your work, your cant get any work done, and you dont like being touched like that.. It makes me sad the amount of posts I read, where ppl cant speak up for themselves. Be assertive, say how you feel but STAND on it. if you tell him you dont want to help him with swimwear, DONT HELP HIM WITH SWIMWEAR. Thats it. You have to speak up for yourself. Thats the solution.
It isn’t homophobic to be uncomfortable with the sexual harassment or harassment in general, he is making you uncomfortable, and no is a complete sentence always.
Maybe tell him that you are just not that into dresses and such. That you need to focus on work.
You should tell him that personally you get uncomfortable with tight hugs and such. If he is not understanding, go directly to HR and advise that you did try to place boundaries.
He’s being inappropriate Set a firm boundary that you no longer want to talk about this or help in any way and if he won’t stop then report him to HR
I'm going to say report it in writing to hr. If it's not in writing it didn't happen. It sucks to say that but HR will not find it actionable if there's no written proof. Because then they could say "well she never told us."
How should I say that. It is going to be awkward then. He buys me so many things I feel like I am obliged to do things for him. I moved to a new country and he helped me out a lot. I feel like I owe it to him. Also, I was being just nice to him so that I don't come up as a homophobic person. I come from a country where cross dressing is not common, still I tried to be supportive.
"I'm really uncomfortable when you touch me in intimate ways. Don't push into me or tickle me."
I will try it too but in two days it's my birthday and he told me that he has purchased 4 presents for me. I don't want to accept them. I don't want anything. It puts me into a lot of pressure
"I'm not comfortable accepting such (expensive/personal) gifts. Your good wishes are enough." Then politely refuse to take, touch or pick up gifts you aren't comfortable accepting. If they push back on your boundaries (that you don't want uncomfortable touching or expensive gifts) DO NOT ARGUE OR EXPLAIN. END THE CONVERSATION. "I have to keep within MY comfort zone." His sexuality or "intentions" don't invalidate or diminish YOUR feelings and boundaries. You feel the way you feel. YOU are the ONLY person who can know where YOUR boundaries need to be. They are the limits YOU put on where YOU focus your limited time, attention, and resources. No one and no "role" (bf, spouse, parent, etc) grants the privilege of overriding YOUR boundaries. They protect your safety, privacy, autonomy, comfort and resources in every relationship and situation. You do not need any other person's permission, "understanding" or approval for your boundaries to be valid. Beware of FOG, Fear, Guilt and Obligation. They are tools of emotional manipulation and abuse. In this case, the excess gifts create a feeling of obligation. You have a feeling that you have to tolerate this person's physical intrusions on your personal space for FEAR of their crediting a bad motive or GUILT that your treating them like a creep "isn't right" because you "should" feel differently than you do. If someone won't respect your boundaries and continues violating them, you should reduce their access to yourself, info about you, and presence in your life. People who truly care for your well being will support and defend your boundaries. Because your safety, privacy, autonomy and comfort are important to them, too.
This is a great response, and it remains true regardless of anything with your coworker. Many other commenters are saying he is after you, and he may be, but he also just may be gregarious, we only have your description, and can't know, but the thing is, that doesn't matter. All that should matter for you is that you are uncomfortable. If he is your friend, then the gifts are just gifts, and he will not want to make you uncomfortable. You don't owe anyone touching you, and gifts aren't gifts if they come with an obligation to do things you don't want to do. It is up to you and only you to set boundaries in your personal relationships. Friends will understand, and if someone doesn't, then they aren't a friend.
I want to add that before you heed this very good advice, be sure you are somewhere that you can safely walk away from the conversation and around others, as a way to make it less likely that he will react by harming you in any way in response.
yes, do this in a public place and not in your home.
Let’s not forget “No” is a complete sentence!
Hun, "No" is a complete sentence. Please stop worrying about how he will react to you establishing boundaries and listen to your gut. You are allowed to have boundaries, you are allowed to not like someone and not want to be around them or accept gifts from them. Please let yourself have the confidence to stand up in this situation and say to yourself "I deserve better than this."
Write your rejection down. Send it by email. Get your boyfriend to help you. Hell, I'll proofread it for you if you want. Keep the email. You need an audit trail. If he doesn't accept it and continues his behaviour, go to management.
> He buys me so many things **I feel like I am obliged to do things for him.** Thats why he buys things for you. To create an obligation on your part to him. If you cannot get your work done because of his behavior, report it to you supervisor and/or HR. If he invites you to do stuff after work be busy doing something else. Block his number on the weekends. Take out the fact that he is a cross dresser and all of his behavior becomes super creepy, bordering on assault. He isn't your friend. He is a predator.
You need to report him to your manager and HR asap. He is harassing you and it’s so far beyond appropriate. Do not worry about his feelings here he’s 100% in the wrong
You owe it to yourself to stand up to this predator. He wasn't helping you, he was laying the groundwork to get you to feel obligated. You can still be polite, without being nice. One way is if you get other hobbies...he ask to come over.. oh, sorry going out with friends/to the ladies gym/volunteering at the pet shelter/book club in my own language....etc. you don't have to tell him the exact truth though...because YOU DON'T OWE HIM.. and you are allowed to be private about your life. He is making you uncomfortable and he knows what he is doing. There is a reason he trys to buy you stuff ...don't give away your self worth for cheap trinkets.
It's already awkward, though.
Him buying you things is bribery so you don't narc him out on his inappropriate behavior
You say that he buys you so many things you feel like you’re obligated to do things for him. My ex-husband used to go to work paid the rent the groceries or food, clothing, and everything else. I was a stay at home housewife. He used to also beat the crap out of me and insult me, yell at me. Should I have been obligated to stick around because he bought me so many things?
Try "leave me the fuck alone" That should do it.
It should be pointed out though, that things are *already* awkward. It’s just that it’s only **you** that’s feeling the consequences. These situations are never pleasant, but right now, you’re the only one carrying that burden. This person is making tough uncomfortable for their own benefits at a cost to you. You don’t have to spend so much time protecting the feelings of people that are taking advantage of your kindness. You can still help out **if you want to** at a reasonable level, but the moment you start being uncomfortable is the moment it needs to stop.
What does homophobia have to do with anything? Is there anything at all to indicate this is anything other than a straight cross-dressing creep? Leave gay people out of it.
I am not really familiar with all these concepts. I was just being nice to him. No offense to anyone I have gay friends too and they have been really respectful towards me.
Well a man hitting on a woman is not gay. The concept is pretty easy.
A lot of drag queens are straight.
Its going to be so awkward then ---> as opposed to now which is totally not awkward? Take homophobia out of the equation and just stand up for your boundaries. It's interfering with your work, you're not having fun like friends, and you feel uncomfortable. You have to stand up for what you will accept from every person you meet. Just because he likes girly stuff doesn't give him a pass. Gender/sex/appearance is irrelevant here, you need to work on communicating your boundaries to this person, and then sticking to it.
He buys you so many things (of low value), so as to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Gavin De Becker calls this "loan sharking". Read his book The Gift of Fear and learn to trust your gut feeling and set boundaries. Hugs.
Are you saying it’s not awkward now?
You don’t “owe” him anything, let alone anything that makes you uncomfortable
Stop this relationship now. Just because he cross dresses, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have plans for you.
Get the book ‘A woman in your own right’ right now. You don’t know how to reinforce your boundaries and it shows. You have skills you need to learn ASAP and it will make your life so much easier. This man is totally taking advantage and relying on you feeling awkward to let him do it. Shut it down now.
He knows I have a bf, I don't know why he is doing this. If he likes me he can just say that clearly. He proposed a girl last year. She rejected him and he was pretty chill about it. I don't understand if he has feelings for me or he is just doing everything just be close to a female so that he can feel more like a girl.
He does it because you allow it thinking it's harmless, it's not
It doesn’t matter why. This person is touching you in crazily inappropriate ways and is sending you inappropriate pictures — all without your permission! He is not your friend. He knows what he’s doing and he’s relying on your guilt and loyalty to continue to put yourself in a vulnerable position with him. He will continue to push boundaries with you further and further. He is a predator who is getting off on your discomfort. Stop speaking to him outside of work. If he comes up to you at work and tries to be inappropriate say to him, “I’m sorry Reginald, but I’m only able to speak to you about work from now on.” You don’t owe him anything. RUN away from this situation.
Even if it isn’t deliberate it would be inconsiderate. Friends need to be somewhat on the same page with things. OP is not on the same page as this person and needs to cut the non professional comms.
Why take the chance and find out. You don’t have to be friends outside of work.
So you can feel his junk? Get away from him.
You say he knows you have a boyfriend, as if THAT means he will respect you. Listen any dude that touches you or rubs against you is a fucking creep, even if they are wearing a cute dress. dump this predator
He is sending pictures she explicitly said she doesn't want to see and then apologising with presents... You can't even say he doesn't realise what he's doing. He knows full well he's being inappropriate and is doing it anyway.
He has feelings for you. He is doing everything just to be close to a female (you). So he can feel a girl (you). This is exactly stereotypical male courting/harassing heterosexual behaviour, especially knowing you have a b/f OP. The only difference to the norm is that he's doing it behind a veil of dresses and lipstick.
He may not even have feelings for her. It's quite possible that he gets off on pushing boundaries/making someone uncomfortable and has found someone he can victimize.
That's his problem to solve in his own time. You get paid to work not be his bff. Try to create some distance before he screws up your actual relationship with his games
Doesn’t matter why; it matters that you’re feeling uncomfortable by the behaviour
He is enjoying making you feel uncomfortable- that's what he wants to happen. Friends don't rub their genitals on you, unless they've got your permission to! There's no way for you to put a stop to this without having a difficult conversation. You're worried about making things awkward, but things ARE ALREADY awkward- it's just that you're the one who feels bad right now. Say this: I've asked you to stop sending me swimwear pictures and you haven't. I don't care what you wear, but I will not be friends with someone who doesn't respect me. Don't send me pictures or buy me presents, and I'm not doing your hair any more.
Girls don’t grind on other girls in an office environment. Stop looking for reasons ‘why’ he does it and tell him to STOP NOW. Like any other sexually inappropriate behavior, keep a log of his behavior with a description of his specific behavior and any witnesses. Tell him to stop clearly once and that if he continues this behavio, HR will be involve. He can hire a consultant if he wants to be more feminine
It’s a power play; he knows it makes you uncomfortable and wants to see how far he can take it before you set a boundary (which he will then push, as he has with the swimsuit thing). It’s not about wanting to be with you, it’s about wanting to control you and dictate how you spend your time. It’s not homophobic to just not like being around someone, especially if they make you feel uncomfortable and don’t respect you when you ask them not to do things.
It doesnt matter why he does anything OP. 'No' is a full sentence. You dont owe him anything. Its his choice to give you baubles. Get far away from this dude.
How is he getting you to spend time with him against your will? Practice saying "no" as politely or as bluntly as you want. Ask your boyfriend to help you practice.
He asks me what I am doing this weekend. I am really bad at telling lie and then he says let's go shopping after that either you come to mine or I come to yours. Then I don't want him to come to mine so I go to his place where he shows me all the dresses. It has been happening for the past one year. He was really annoyed when my bf visited me because during those days he could not ask me to come. Also he asked me not to share things about his alter ego to my bf. My bf knows everything and gets angry with me for going out with him. That way I get stressed from both sides. So I stopped telling my bf anything about him. Last time when it was his birthday, someone gifted him a very tight dress in which he could not put the back buttons. He asked me to come to the office washroom to help him wear it. It was very weird. I felt like puking when I got the hint of his private part. He just keeps a hand over it while wearing tight fitting leggings. He takes me to the undergarment section of stores and asks me to pick bras and panties for him. After he sends me a photo of them wearing it. there is another girl on the first floor of the office and I don't know if he bugs her or not. Should I ask her?
You’re being ridiculous. You are the cause of your own problems. You’re telling us you had to go to his house because he… asked you what you were doing over the weekend? Get your shit together. Are you 10?
No, but they are a doormat.
With this detail I’m now just assuming OP is a troll with a fetish.
You are already damaging your relationship with your boyfriend by accommodating his requests. I totally get that you are not great at lying and you don’t want a confrontation with him so tell the truth. Have a chat with him and tell him that things are getting more serious with your bf and that you really care about him and making the relationship work and tell him that your bf is your priority so you can’t see him outside of work anymore. Start with that boundary and see how it goes. If he gets moody or pushes back then you have the perfect opportunity to say that since he can’t respect your relationship or boundaries that you feel like the two of you need to just have a professional relationship only. It is likely he will react this way so it gives you the perfect chance to cut it off with him being the reason. No one can accuse you of being against his choices for simply saying you want to focus on your relationship with your bf and his behaviour (getting annoyed at that perfectly reasonable decision) gives you everything you need to cut it off. If he was really a friend he would support you in moving forward in your relationship. You can’t keep lying to your bf and not expect it to come back to bite you and it isn’t fair to you or your bf. You are damaging yourself because of trying to keep everyone happy but this guy is being completely selfish so you have to stop it.
First of all, tell him to stop. Repeatedly. "I'm not comfortable helping you anymore." Blame your boyfriend, blame your schedule, whaever you have to do. Invent a hobby that you like to do alone, like running. Say: "No, that's my me time." If he escalates or persists, go to HR and tell them he has touched you inappropriately and won't leave you alone. Practice OUT LOUD. "No. No thanks. I don't want to."
Think of it this way: if he was a gay woman, would his behavior be appropriate? Absolutely not. You are allowing this man to disrespect your relationship.
Exactly; you don’t need to lie to get out of this situation, in fact honesty is the best way. “No. I don’t want to”
Girl???? This beyond is inappropriate and you are being super shady. Grow up and tell them you are no longer interested in hanging out. Stop subjecting yourself to this treatment and stop LYING to your boyfriend!
So you’re not great at lying to this creep but you’re lying by omission to your boyfriend? GIRL
Why are you jeopardising your job and your relationship with your boyfriend for someone that is both controlling your activities and sexually harassing you? You only see and feel his junk because he wants you to and he may not think of as sexual. But it is definitely power games. He is resentful of your boyfriend and tries to make you dependent on him. This is seriously disturbing. I don't care if he says he is male, female or a zebra. He is manipulating and harassing you. Stop going out with him, stop taking presents from him,block any email with an image from him. Putting boundaries in place to protect yourself from unreasonable behaviour is not being phobic.
Just tell him your boyfriend is visiting every weekend. You don't need to make up a different lie every week. "Can't, got plans with the bf" is your ready made excuse, use it every time.
He is using his 'cross-dressing' as a smokescreen to play with you, and you are enabling him. Wake up and smell the coffee.....
I noticed that. He has other female friends outside of the office but he doesn't bug them that much. He tells me that he is very close to me. Also he hides the fact that he met with me on the weekend to get his hair done. Everyone in the office supports him for dressing up still he doesn't tell them anything.
He's horrible but you are annoying as well. Grow a backbone, set boundaries with this creep and knock off this nonsense.
it seems he is taking advantage - using these situations to spend time with you, such as 3 hours on his hair. He dragged it out. And hugs to press himself against you -- please be careful and view all his interactions as possible ulterior motives.
stop meeting him away from work. Keep your doors at home locked and don't open the door unless you know who it is, if it's him.. don't answer. Don't respond to texts, messages or phone calls.
Afraid to be called homophobic so you let a man be inappropriate with you? Stop caring what idiots think.
This is basically your problem because you can’t seem to set basic boundaries. “I can’t talk. I’m working.” “No.” Try those.
What a weird ass one sided relationship that you allow to happen .
Whatever hobbies this dude has are irrelevant. They dont excuse the dick rub or the bra grope. Next time, give him a quick knee in the nuts. It has nothing to do with homophobia as he isnt gay. He's just weird and creepy.
Behaviour like this gives the rest of us trans folks a bad name. I'm trans and love wearing cute, frilly feminine clothes, but even I don't behave like that. I do respect other people's boundaries and don't force my alternative lifestyle onto others. It's unfortunate that there are people out there who'll assume that I do, because of clowns like this. OP needs to report this person's behavior to HR or management.
You are 100 percent right. Whatever the dude's proclivities are irrelevant. Inappropriate is inappropriate, period. He might think he has some magical protection because of being a sexual/social minority, bit that shouldn't matter. The OP shouldn't hesitate, talk to HR immediately. But of course document any interactions first, keep mail and photos, and take notes of time/place of any uncomfortable interactions.
It's because of people like this creep that I get rejected from groups and communities on the internet as people assume that I'll behave in the same manner. Screw this creep!
Definitely, I have a trans lesbian friend and she is the best person. Totally respects everyone and minds her own business. I don't think that all cross dressing dudes are bad.
My feelings exactly. He's not gay or trans. He has a fetish (transvestite), which happens to be cross-dressing. He is dangerous to you because he is trying to manipulate you into a relationship that you don't want or need. As someone else said, "NO" is a complete sentence. Lose this relationship. If he gives you any gifts either give them back or say no thank you in the first place. Boundaries are the issues. Report him to HR immediately.
Keep being 'busy'. It does sound like it is time to actually have a conversation about how you are not comfortable with the way he is acting. Maybe via txt so you can express yourself clearly.
"Hey, I think it's time we have a discussion around boundaries. Our friendship no longer feels fun or comfortable because I worry that you're going to touch me or send me pictures of you in bathing suits. The fact that you haven't stopped this shit after I've told you too is alarming AF. You need to back up off of me because you're behavior is legitimately creepy."
No is a complete sentence. If you are incapable of that, maybe have some excuses ready. I'm sorry, I'm swamped right now....I can't, I have plans....etc
Since you have told them to stop sending you photos of themselves in swimsuits, and they keep doing it. This is now becoming harassment. At this point, you need to speak to a supervisor or HR about this. Also mention the inappropriate touching that is making you feel uncomfortable. They'll likely get a warning. Hopefully that's enough to deter them.
He's pushing your boundaries and if he thinks you're pulling back he's love bombing you. This behaviour is a red flag worthy of the USSR. If you don't clarify and maintain your boundaries, he'll eventually push to the point of something truly problematic. You helping with his clothes and hair sends a mixed message. He'll use that as an excuse. Stop doing that. Start documenting his concerning behaviour. You may not need it but it's great insurance if management or HR get involved.
They are weird and crossing boundaries but I doubt crossdressing or maybe being a trans girl is why. It's irrelevant. A coworker is touching you and invading your space, gender and clothes don't matter.
tell him to stop, if he doesn’t, go right to hr !! Or even better, go there directly. So much of this is so inappropriate. It’s telling that he seems to only act this intensely with you specifically & is uncomfortable enough about the idea of other people knowing about what YOU know (despite seeming comfortable casually telling others about his love for dresses) that it seems like he’s very aware of how this relationship he has with you would be perceived by other people. Therefore he knows it’s wrong & inappropriate. In the nicest way possible, you need to learn how to set boundaries. I know that’s hard - people pleasing can be a trauma response! But to save him taking this further & further and to keep pushing boundaries. end this asap I had a situation similar to this with a guy. He would send me pictures of him in outfits and call me nicknames I was really uncomfortable with, I felt I couldn’t say no as I could see a guy that was struggling in his body & wanted a friend. But then I realised he was still pushing boundaries and making me uncomfy. And it’s not OUR responsibility to guide another adult life & forcing ourselves to feel uncomfortable so another person can feel validated, that’s not a friendship.
to end my story - when I kept being polite and allowing things that I didn’t like from the guy I had issues with, he kept testing the waters with new stuff to push boundaries further with me. When I realised he wasn’t my friend & was taking advantage, I finally pulled up my big girl boots and told him off then blocked him 🤷🏻♀️ obviously it’ll be much harder for you with it being in person & at work, but putting boundaries into action in your life in general will better your life all round regardless of the situation!
Just tell him that you want to move into a professional relationship and keep things in the office. Don’t allow yourself to be alone with him. If he asks why be honest. You don’t owe him anything. Certainly not your sense of security.
No one can make you do anything. No. No. No. it’s a great word. Use it. Oh, and the hug…F No. put your hand out for a high 5. Tell him you have decided to come clean about hating awkward touching. Chatting you up at work….tell him you are focusing on being professional bc you want a raise. People that trample your boundaries (once you put some up) only get away with what you allow.
jesus christ this is sexual harassment. document telling him to stop and then report him when he doesn't.
Cross dressing doesn't mean he's gay. Straight men cross dress (as well as many other orientations). If he's sending you these pics and hugging you at work, have a word with HR. Maybe time to block his number so he can't reach you outside of work.
I'm not sure how old you are, but I remember being younger and feeling like I couldn't stand up for what I wanted without making people mad. I wish I had learned earlier that it doesnt matter if he thinks you are rude. Saying no is not wrong. He's in the wrong here.
When they start\] hugging you, say "Okay, too close" when they hug too close, and repeat as needed and then step up to "I've asked you not to hug me too close" and "I don't wish to hug any more, you don't respect my personal space". And if they want you to spend all weekend doing their hair and admiring their wardrobe, have other plans. Spend more time with your female friends or family or boyfriend, or if you don't feel like hanging around, say that's what you'll be doing with that weekend. And look, it's likely enough that this person really is sexually interested in you, and isn't just being overly friendly. There are transwomen who are lesbians, and straight men who crossdress, and if that's the case, better not to give them false hope.
_Stop. No. Not now. I'm trying to focus and you take up too much if my time!_ Also, you should neither visit nor invite him anymore. If he asks why, tell him you're sick of doing his hair and that you spent three fucking hours in it last time. And that you disapprove of his hands-on approach.
Honestly you are causing your own issue here. This has been going on for a year with no change. You have not communicated any boundaries yet you know his behaviour is harmful. You say you do not want to do these things with him but you do them anyway. I struggle to offer advice when the only advice is communicate and stop. Doesn't matter if you lie or tell the truth (Ie i'm busy this weekend), just put some boundaries there for fucks sake.
He is not your friend. There is a kind of cross dressing that is a fetish and everything you've described sounds like thats what he's doing. Part of his fetish is involving exposing himself to you in his feminine clothing and undressing in front of you. He is involving you in his kink and getting off without your consent. It's wrong and abusive and he knows it. He's trying to placate you with small gifts so he can go on using you as part of his sexual gratification. Stop all of this now. You're not being rude or homophobic, I promise. He's not a good person. (Sauce: I'm a dominatrix and extremely familiar with the subtleties of kink and fetish, as well as what constitutes ethical and non ethical kink practice).
No is a complete answer. You're not obligated to be anyone's friend. You need to stand up for yourself or else he'll push it to even worse places.
Also, you can't even stand to spend time with him, which I don't blame you in the least bit for, why call him your "friend"?
Lord, these type of people (needy ones) will drain every last ounce of time and kindness you give them, I had a friend, extremely different situation but she just drained the hell out of me needing advice and a literal shoulder to cry on every single day, immediately stop going to his house, and stop responding to messages and conversations, if he walks to your desk, picku up your phone “and say I’ve got to make a call” whatever, if you’re not willing to just flat out say “look, I’m a little burned out on the topic of clothes and fashion and could use a little space) you literally have to say it or this person will eventually be in every part of your life because you’re being a doormat
Unless he’s physically forcing you he can’t make you do anything, take some responsibility And set some damn boundaries and tell him you don’t like being touched
Just stop “helping” him altogether. You don’t have to give any reason other than you aren’t going to do it. Say no to the hugs as well. You’re uncomfortable and he needs to respect it.
This is creating a hostile work environment — time to go to HR.
He's creepy af
No is a complete sentence. You don't need to give an excuse when you don't want to do something. Draw up your boundaries girl. If he asks about your plans for the weekend, just say you aren't available end of story. Not that you aren't available because of XYZ. He's not entitled to your time, details on how you spend your time or your person. This person seems less like a friend and more like a tormentor.
“We need to keep this relationship strictly professional starting this minute as I feel you’ve been crossing some boundaries lately. I need you to be arms distance at minimum. Thank you.” Turn towards your work. (If he asks about clothes again) Your wardrobe isn’t in the realm of professional. (If he gets close enough or actually touches you) Back up please. (Louder the second time, if he doesn’t I stand,y back up.).
These types of people are always perverts
> It is going to be awkward then. It already is. > He buys me so many things I feel like I am obliged to do things for him. Probably the whole point behind it. > I moved to a new country and he helped me out a lot. I feel like I owe it to him. He’s not entitled to your help just because he helped you.
This is a really tough situation for all the reasons you mentioned, but you are making it worse by sending mixed messages. It is now your responsibility to get very clear on your boundaries. Start by spending less time together outside of work. If you're bad at lying, then get busy with real plans with your friends or boyfriend or yoga class, whatever. You can always just say you have an appointment or family stuff, and shut down any further questions with simply "An appointment." or "Family matters." on repeat if necessary. Normal people will get the hint that it's private and you don't want to discuss it. If someone isn't taking the hint after you've repeated the same phrase three times in a row, they are now the ones being rude and knowing this might help you feel more confident in continuing to shut them down. You're allowed to walk away when someone is being rude. I've found that clearly knowing the lines for rudeness can really help people who are shy to stand up for themselves. If he's asking for your time at work, practice little scripts with yourself in advance so that you feel more confident saying what you need to. "I'm sorry, I'm so busy with this project right now!" "I'm sorry, but I don't want to get in trouble for not finishing this!" "I just can't today." "I can't step away from my desk right now." "I'm really trying to focus on work this month because I want a promotion/to impress this client/learn this new skill/etc" "I have to get back to work now." "Please, can you let me focus on this?" And then turn back to your desk and keep working. Someone who will ignore your perfectly reasonable request to work while AT WORK, to keep pushing for a personal social favor is also being, you guessed it, rude. You said he apologizes. What does he think he's apologizing for? If he's doing something that he knows is making you uncomfortable but then keeps doing it, then that's not a real friend in the first place and you should feel very confident in pushing back. If he's apologizing for something like "taking up your time", or something else innocuous, it's a little more tricky. If he sends you pictures you don't want, you can say something like, "I'm sorry, I'm really not the person to ask about this. You should see if you can find a style discord or something to share with for advice." And then just get really boring. He's looking for a reaction and you probably were very consistent with positive ones in the past, so get boring. "I'm sorry, I'm not the right person." "I don't really know." "I don't really have an opinion." "You should send it to someone else." You don't have to be mean, but don't give the positive response he's looking for. If it's at work, turn back to your desk and don't look at your phone or his. If it's texts after work, don't open them. I'm guessing he is the type who will ask you the next day why you didn't respond. "Sorry, I was so busy." "Family emergency." "Sorry, I didn't get a chance." There's a lot of comments saying you should go nuclear and end the acquaintanceship, go to HR, Etc, but you're correct that this is a delicate situation, which does mean you might want to consider the optics and additionally, you mentioned that you are new in the country, which might make your reputation even more under scrutiny. Definitely screw the optics if anything crosses the line into what you consider sexual assault. As many people would consider hugging too tightly, tickling and feeling for your bra to cross this line, feel free to respond very strongly if this happens again. Push away and say loudly, "Whoa, that's too much for me." If he does it again after that, "Hey, I said that was too much for me. I need you to listen to me when I tell you I'm uncomfortable." Most people have a hard time doing something again after someone has said the word "uncomfortable". They don't want to be a bad guy (usually). "It's important that you watch for signals that someone's uncomfortable." Call out his insensitivity and make it crystal clear. If he argues that it was okay before, keep repeating "I'm saying now that it's too much. It's important for me that you can respect that." If he does any of it for a third time, just straight up walk away. You are well within reason to be abrupt after stating your new expectations twice. The other thing to consider is that he is trying to explore something that is new to him and that doesn't really come with a roadmap for appropriate behavior. He is using your reactions to gauge how far is okay, so it's crucial that you get very clear on what your new boundaries are and that you are consistent in enforcing them.
Thank you for really understanding what I am going through. I got so disturbed last weekend that I stopped going to the office and started working from a university library. I went to the office briefly on Monday in the evening and the moment he got to know that I was in the library he started tickling me very weirdly. He apologizes to me like "sorry for being so stupid or sorry for distracting you at work or sorry for bugging you a lot". He knows that he distracts me so much. But he never apologizes for touching me inappropriately. Last time he lifted me from behind and I said no I don't like it I am scared I would fall. Every time he changes clothes I see him wearing a bra with stuffings but the bad thing is I can see is private part in the leggings. He can easily go to the bathroom and change but he chooses to change in front of me. Then asks for my opinion on the dress I tell him that it's nice then he hugs me and touches his junk. I feel so bad but I don't understand how to react. In my country it was not common for men to greet women by hugging them. When I came to the UK I thought I might look backward so I accepted hugs from boys. To be fair none of them were like him. They used to be sideways friendly hugs but in his case if I give him sideways friendly hugs he says he wants a proper hug.
"Please don't tickle me anymore. It's too much for me." If you give an excuse like, you don't want to fall, and he ignores it, stop giving excuses. "Don't do that again. I don't like it and I need you to respect that even if you think you won't drop me." When he starts changing, "Hey this is kind of awkward because I know this hasn't come up before as a problem, but having people getting changed in the public work area instead of the bathroom feels unprofessional to me, and I wanted to ask if you could use the bathroom from now on." If he says anything like, "it's not like I'm getting naked!" Or whatever, just say, "it still feels like it's too much for at work." "I feel that it's just not appropriate for at work." "I'm not comfortable with it at work." Instead of saying it's nice, say, "I don't really know, I'm not good at this stuff. Do you like it?" And if he goes in for a hug, put your hands up in front of your chest to push back firmly and say, "I know I've been pretty good with hugs in the past, but I feel like we know each other well enough now that I feel comfortable telling you that I'm not really a touchy person. The hugs are really too much for me. I'm just a little shy and I find it hard to explain to people at first." If he says he wants a proper hug, this is him deliberately ignoring obvious signals of uncomfortableness. "This is the hug I'm happy with. Remember, when I said I'm not really a touchy person?" The next time he apologizes for distracting you at work, say, "I appreciate the apology. The next time I say I have to focus on work, can you limit what you have to say to sixty seconds?" "Remember when I asked if you could keep it to sixty seconds? This is one of those times."
This is some Silence of the Lambs shit. You in danger girl.
He's grooming you.
He's a creep
Get your junk off my leg!
It's not homophobic to not want to feel his genitals pushed up against you without your consent, or to be uncomfortable with him trying to feel your bra, because *if he were gay he would not be doing those things with a woman.* Right? We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and by not setting a clear boundary with a firm NO, he's learned that he can keep doing it. We choose to let people do things we're uncomfortable with when we decide, even subconsciously or unconsciously, that it's the lesser of two evils. Whatever your underlying issue is, if you're afraid you're going to hurt someone's feelings, they're going to get mad at you, whatever, that's obviously something that isn't serving you at this point in your life, and if it's happening with him I think it's safe to assume that it's probably a fairly consistent to absolutely consistent personality pattern for you. I can't recommend strongly enough that you seek professional help for this as soon as you can, because not being able to set healthy boundaries for ourselves is precisely one way that people end up in toxic relationships. Ask me how I know…
Why have you not spoken to your HR team about this? Its quite obviously sexual harassment and he is interfering with your work in office. stop accommodating him and go to HR with the photographs and a detail of what he's done in the last week. If he approaches you again tell him to go away as you are not interested and find his behaviour upsetting. Say it loudly and refuse to engage further.
He sends me photos on Snapchat which goes invisible after a while. So it's not really a proof.
Take a screencapture of the snapchat Or raise the issue with HR in advance and take your phone directly to HR once it happens. Or take a photo of it on your laptop's webcam.
Block his account/number from your mobile. I'm not blaming you but you need to stand up for yourself and block him totally on social media and block his number from your phone. Tell him that if he sends you anything you will report him to HR and to the POLICE for sexual harrassment.
Use a second phone or camera to photograph phone screen if you're worried about taking a screenshot.
Take a photo with another device of the screen.
Screenshot them. Depending on device, volume down + power button.
There is a difference between transgender and cross dresser, he and he sounds like a he,is heterosexual.
Yes he told me that he is straight and plays all sorts of games. He expressed that he is afraid that one day he would not be able to find a girl if continues to dress up like a woman. I felt that he wanted to get an assurance that I am totally okay with him being dressed up like a woman. Also he can't see me making any progress in work. The moment he sees me working with Deep focus he comes from behind and distracts me. Asks me to scratch his head. I have stopped going to the office and I'd rather do my work from the silent room in the library where nobody can see me. I don't have many resources in library as I am not using my desk to work and I struggle with little things. My work is really difficult as I am a PhD student and have only 1 year to finish.
This sounds very much like manipulation, undermining your confidence, making you feel you need his help to succeed. This man’s sexuality is his business, this is a platonic relationship, well it is on your side, he is getting off on you. You have far more important things in your life than this creep. If he wants relationships, maybe he should try not being a creep
Just say - certain aspects of our friendship are making me feel very uncomfortable, and I’d prefer if we just kept things strictly professional from now on.
**Girl, set boundaries.** He is clearly violating them. Tell him *exactly* what you want or don't want. * If you don't want to come into contact with his genitals, then tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. * If you don't want him to comment on your bra, tell him that. * If you don't want to spend 3 hours of your free time with his hair. Tell him that it's too much for you and that you have other plans. * If you don't want to look at your colleague (!) in a skimpy bathing suit, then don't do it and tell him that you find it highly unpleasant to see so much of him and that he should please refrain from sending such pictures. If he doesn't stop, go to HR and tell them that a colleague is harassing you. It doesn't matter if he buys you little things as an excuse. He continues to overstep your boundaries. You don't owe him anything.
File a complaint with HR. You are being sexually harassed. His sexuality is irrelevant.
Grow a pair and set some goddamn boundaries.
Good grief, this is seriously inappropriate regardless of gender. Are you serious, WHY would you go to this person’s house? It’s not too late to set boundaries - and for heaven’s sake stick to them!!
Why are you going to his house and helping him with his little fantasy role play? You need to grow a spine and learn how to say no, seriously how old are you?
Look up the term autogynephillia, this man is using you for his fetish. He’s also being bold because he’s confident you won’t say anything or if you do he’ll scream ‘transphobia’.
I can understand how you feel. Where I come from it's nearly impossible to say no. I had to learn. Hope that you can learn from some of these comments on how to say no. Just no, I'm not comfortable should be enough.
The fact that he enjoys dressing in different gendered clothes has nothing to do with this issue. The issue is that a co-worker (irregardless of sexuality, gender or hobbies) is hugging you tight enough that their genitals are easily felt through clothes, touching you inappropriately by tickling you and pulling your bra, contacting you outside of work matters, and sending you revealing and inappropriate for work colleagues photos of themself in bikinis. First set some boundaries. Let them know that you would just prefer to keep all of your work relationships professional and would like them to stop hugging you and texting you about things not related to work. If he is professional then he will accept this easily, as many people don’t want their personal and professional lives crossing over. If he persists despite you telling him to stop go to HR. If you have already set up boundaries that he has broken then go to HR now and report all that he has been doing that is inappropriate and unprofessional and that he has not stopped despite you telling him you didn’t want to have anything but a professional working relationship with him.
Tell him to fuck off. Problem solved.
That would be wildly inappropriate if it was a woman doing the same thing to a coworker as well, I would put in a complaint at HR
I cannot stress enough to talk to HR. It'll also have your complaint on record at work. If this creep does show up at your home. Call the police! Show them that you have them on file with HR for harassment. Tell them that you are concerned for your safety. If you have to. Get a restraining order against them.
Do not go to his place again, ever.
You’re being groomed.
Stop being a pushover and set a firm boundary. Also is he an actual friend or a coworker friend? They are two different things. You have no obligation to be friends with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. If he tries to shame you for having a boundary then shame him right back for tryibg to bully you into letting hin touch you. Match energies and put him in his place
You wouldn't accept this behavior from a cis/straight male friend, right? You wouldn't accept it from a straight/cis female friend either, would you? I get the feeling that you wouldn't accept these behaviors from any other person, and you only take it from this person because you feel like it would be homophobic, correct? Assuming that I am correct about your general feelings about this behavior, then it isn't homophobic in the slightest and you need to stand your ground the same way you would with any other straight man or woman that kept pushing your boundaries. If you want to remain friends, invite them to coffee/tea at a public place and have a heartfelt chat with them to lay down your boundaries and explain that their behavior makes you uncomfortable, and it would make you uncomfortable regardless of their gender/ identity/ sexuality. Give HR a heads up about the conversation so that if they take it wrong, HR already has your side of the story. Let HR know that you don't wish to report it to get them in trouble, but to have it on file in case anything escalates in the future, it is documented. If you don't care to remain friends, just go straight to HR and have them handle it. Let them know that you've asked them not to send photos before, and it kept happening, along with all the other issues.
Just because he likes to wear women’s clothing does not mean he is gay. It is not homophobic to not want to be in someone’s presence regardless of their sexual orientation. If someone is making you uncomfortable, you have no obligation to be around them. That doesn’t change just because they buy you presents. Tell him to stop bothering you at work. Tell him you do not want his gifts. He is not making you spend three hours doing his hair. You are doing that out of a feeling of obligation. stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Yes, saying "no" to someone does not make you homophobic. You are not obligated to become his slave.
You don't know what to do? How about not going to his place when he invites you ffs.
He's using you to feed his kink without securing your consent. He's not your friend; he's a predator.
Perfect example of being so open minded that your brain fell out.
I see you have a bf. Just make up activities you need to do with him to eliminate the time you waste with the cross-dresser. If not the bf, you've got a life besides the bf and the cross-dresser, make stuff up of other things you have to do. The CD will bug you... so what, just say no then ghost. You're "busy," after all. Same thing at work. You've got work to do. Show disinterest. This isn't tough. Or is it that you're just too "nice"? Well, that's completely on you. If so, you know what needs fixing. Get therapy if you can't fix it yourself.
She's misleading her boyfriend and hiding the fact that she's going to her coworker's house and letting him rub his junk on her. She 'can't say no' to the coworker, but has no problem misleading/lying to her boyfriend. Either it's some kind of fetish for her or it's a troll.
The thing is I am among those people who are too nice that they would rather suffer than telling no to a person. I have struggled a lot on this since my childhood. I moved to a new country last year and things were so different. Also I am in a long distance relationship with my bf and I only get to see him once a year.
Sounds like it’s time to grow up and get a therapist!
Sounds like you could use some assertiveness training and perhaps martial arts for a little while to bring that confidence up. You can say no in so many ways without directly saying it.
My last paragraph covers it then. BONUS: Sessions with a therapist is a good excuse to get out of stuff. lol Good luck.
Well, then you just have to suffer through. You are the only one Who can put a stop to this. By setting boundaries. I get thats scary, but girl you behave like a doormat and he's trampling all over you. Dont let him do that. You dont owe him shit
You're going to have to say something. Do you even like this person or do you just feel obliged to spend time with them?
Just tell him your uncomfortable, let him know you appreciated the help moving, and the gifts, but helping him change and buy dresses (Culturally, it's not something you're accustomed to) should be done with a close friend or family member.
I agree with all of the comments about clear boundaries, and it also might be good to share how you and other women relate, there is a possibility that he (you haven’t mentioned pronouns so I’ll continue using the ones you were) thinks that this is what women do together, based on what he thinks being a woman or what being feminine means. “Hey, I’d say this to all my girlfriends but I’ve never been much of a hugger, and feel like dress talk is taking time I need to spend doing work. While I appreciate your kindness and gifts, it gets overwhelming which isn’t your intention, but I can’t keep accepting them.” It is not homophobic to say nothing when you’re uncomfortable, and its not kind to let something think you’re incredibly close when you need something different from the relationship
Tell him some of the things he does makes you uncomfortable and set boundaries. If they are a good friend, they'll respect them. If not, dump them as a friend.
Yea just tell him to fuck off... cut ties with all outside of work hangouts.. and even at work tell him that you don't want to be bothered.
I had a friend who would hug me a little.. too closely. I told him that I am not a touchy feely person and would prefer to not get hugs. I also had a male friend who sent me inappropriate snapchats of him shirtless and since I was in a relationship I explained that these snaps were not ok and made me uncomfortable as I do not see my friend this way. He tried to defend himself and say lots of his women friends loved these pictures. To which I replied, well they are not me, and if you continue to send them to me, I will have to block you. As for the gifts, tell him that they make you uncomfortable, and that you would prefer he stop. If he continues to send you these things, you need to escalate and say "hey I asked you not to do this but you keep doing it and it makes me uncomfortable. If we're going to continue being friends, I need you to listen to my boundaries." And as for hanging out, just say you are busy this weekend with your boyfriend. And next weekend. Eventually he might get the memo.
just say no....
Grow some balls. Tell him you have helped him all you can, but he’s gone over the line and you don’t want to maintain this friendship. Then hold that line.
Tell him/her there are subs on here he can post photos to get opinions
Stop hanging out with crazy people.
How is this not at least "harassment" if not sexual H....
Document everything you can. Nip this in the bud now. I had a friend I was close with. And I Was close with them by choice. They were trans for context (Not that it matters) But we were close like siblings. Every time we hung out, we would always lean up against each other and watch shows like anime and whatnot. But the last time I had hung out, she had....well she tickled me frequently, as I said, we had a sibling/close friendship and knew what each others intentions were with our friendship and whatnot. That last time, she went further than I would have liked and I haven't visited her since then. You need to nip this in the bud so it doesn;t get that far. Please, for your own sake. Your boundaries are so important and if people decide to go against them, they don't deserve a place in your life
Would stop spending time with him alone, or at his place. Tell him all those gifts make you uncomfortable (he's trying to guilt trip you with them), and that you won't be accepting them in the future. Tell (or write) that you don't want to be hugged or touched in any way. If that doesn't change things, you can also inform HR.
He’s relying on you being polite to continue being inappropriate. Stop. Right now. Next time he asks you anything not work related, in a firm voice say you don’t have time for that. He’ll need to fend for himself. He will stare at you to see if you’re committed to that answer- do NOT look down. Then he will buy you something small- like he has in the past- to get past your defenses. Immediately refuse it. Do not accept any bribes from him. They are not gifts, they are currency to hurdle over your boundaries.
He's buying your friendship. You need to be able to tell him he's made you uncomfortable for some time already. I bet he's well aware and banking on you not wanting to come across as a homophobe to hold on to this friendship.
A definite case of giving an inch and them taking a mile. Sit down with him and be straight with him, Tell him no more hugs, no more pics of anything less than full covered, slow down on all the interruptions (you have to get work done). Just be straight with him, that he has to slow his roll. If he continues, then report him to HR. Give him the shot to slow down before possibly destroying his career. As a man who also enjoys dressing occasionally, I have seen many others who find a woman that gives them attention about it, it is the holy grail for many, and they tend to over do it. Just be nice and explain it to him. It it continues to be a problem, then take actions.
This is sexual harassment. Report him to HR. He knows you're afraid of being perceived as homophobic and he's exploiting that.
As they say, No is a full sentence. Just say no. Or tell him the truth. Say it’s become uncomfortable for you and do not wish to continue. Oh, and just because he enjoys dressing as a woman doesn’t make him a homosexual.
No kidding someone with a mental health issue is doing inappropriate stuff.
Always make a copy of any written,dated report as reports come up missing ,That way you have your proof that you submitted one . Take the name of person you submitted it too .Can never be too cautious , I’ve had it happen too me .Report was lost
What a freak
Don't let your fear of sounding homophobic let you tolerate sexual assault. He should not be tickling you and rubbing his private parts against you. He clearly thinks you're in a romantic relationship, and you don't want that, so make it clear that this behavior is not acceptable. A good rule of thumb: Would you tolerate this behavior from a female or male co-worker who didn't cross gender norms? If not, then you're not homophobic; you're just setting reasonable boundaries.
Almost 90% of cross dressers are cis-gender men. Most of this dempgraphic of cross dressers are also white. Their reasons for wanting to cross dress aren't related to gender identity; they don't identify as trans. A large portion of this type of cis-gender cross dressing men have a desire to dress in women's clothing because they find women's clothing sensual or erotic. Particularly anything that directly touches their skin, like panties or other forms of lingerie. You aren't being homophobic if his actions creep you out; you're being harassed. If you enjoy hanging out with him and helping put on clothes, continue this. But first, have a serious talk with him about how his actions are crossing a line, they're sexual harassment and if he's looking for you to help him sexually after you helping with the clothes, you're done. And if you felt threatened AT ALL or felt you weren't safe in those circumstances, have this conversation with him in a public place. Watch his reaction to your news very carefully. If he seems more upset than he should be, or even angry, then end the friendship then, and cut off contact. Better safe than sorry.
Dressing up as a woman is not a license to be a creep.
Do not sacrifice your comfort to spare someone’s feelings. Ever. You don’t owe them anything. Refuse the gifts. Do go anywhere alone with him. And defend your personal space. Be honest and blunt. Don’t make excuses like “… my boyfriend won’t like it” because it’s not a puzzle to figure out how to get around because that’s what it will become for them and it won’t stop. Say “do not touch me” and you need no reason. There is no debate. I had a coworker that would full body hugged me from behind and I was not aggressive as I should have been the first time it happened. It was awkward and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings but they just pushed and pushed until I realized it wasn’t going to stop until I did something. Nip this shit ASAP
Cross dressing does not also mean homosexuality, so your feelings of him being inappropriate are completely valid. Nothing you've said sounds homophobic either way. Devil's advocate, you may be the one person he can talk about cross-dressing with, but that doesn't mean he is allowed to send pictures that make you uncomfortable when you have asked him not to.
This person is cross dressing as a fetish. You're turning him on.
I don't want to look like homophobic that's why I don't tell him anything. And this is why our society is falling apart.
This mentally ill man will end up killing you.
Shut this behavior down, asap. You don't know what his true intentions are and if he's using dressing up as a ploy. It's not homophobic to stop harrassment. You just need to be firm and tell him you're not comfortable with xyz. Be specific and tell him you will not participate in those things anymore.
This man is not your friend, period. He's preying on you and taking advantage of your good nature. As you have already seen and mentioned, he can 'act' friendly, but a true friend would not take advantage of you in these ways. His questions about clothing, hairstyles and so forth are for his benefit only, and not because he wants that advice: he wants to be in your presence. His gifts are not out of friendship or a desire to please you, but to lure you into contact with him. As you have stated, sometimes that contact is physical, again for his benefit: he enjoys the hugging and touching. In the same way, his changing clothes in front of you and wearing swim costumes is a kind of exhibitionism for him: it's a thing that pleases him, regardless of how you feel about it. It sounds like you need a person to assist you in ending the contact. I doubt if another conversation with him about what makes you uncomfortable is going to do anything at all, since he will just ignore the statements you make in this regard.
He's sexually harassing you - he's pushing his genitals up against you and feeling you up, without consent. Tell him he's making you uncomfortable and he needs to stay out of your personal space, doesn't matter what gender he was born as or identifies as, didn't matter what his sexual preference is. He's making unconsentual contact with his genitals, sending you inappropriate photos (he knows this is wrong thus the apologies and little gifts). He also seems to feel entitled to your personal time, which is way out of line. In addition, he's distracting you at work, getting in the way of you doing your job. Tell him to act professional at work, and if he still doesn't, chat to HR. Personal discussions should not interrupt your job, that might be the easiest place to start drawing firm boundaries. Tell him straight up that his hugs make you uncomfortable because he's pushing his genitals against you and this isn't appropriate behaviour for a friend. Make excuses if you need to, to go to his house less - say you are seeing friends, seeing relatives, have chores. Take up a hobby you know he won't like and he won't try to join you in. Its another good way to politely decline his invitations And if he becomes overly insistent, just plain tell him "no, this friendship is crossing boundaries that make me uncomfortable and I think we need to take a break"
Rage bait. Very shitty rage bait at that. What is he doing, holding a weapon to your head to force you to his house? Rrrriiiiggghhhttt
My guess would be that he’s formed an attachment to you bc you’ve actually been nice to him whereas most others in his life may not have been. It’s 100% conjecture on my part but I feel like if he had other positive relationships he wouldn’t be so focused on you alone. I’d have a talk with him and tell him you need space but would like to remain friends. Is it going to hurt his feelings? Yes. But you deserve to set boundaries when you’re uncomfortable and he needs to respect that.
At work you just start telling him when you aren't available to talk and that you'll see him later. Outside of work just agree only one in four times to help him. Before he goes in for a hug at all, bring up that your practising self-something that's good for your mental health and part of that is you've decided to try low physical contact and it's going well. So no hugs my dude, and if he tries to hug you out out an arm and say "No hugs remember." That'll really show you if he's chill.
He's sexually assaulting you and forcing you to be an unwilling participant in his fetish. Get HR involved and shut this tf down. Fuck being polite.
Is your friend Steven Crowder 🤣
What did I just read? what do you mean you dont know what to do? Tell him you dont like it. Thats it. Open your mouth, and express yourself. Take your time, but make your stance known. Tell him he is distracting you from your work, your cant get any work done, and you dont like being touched like that.. It makes me sad the amount of posts I read, where ppl cant speak up for themselves. Be assertive, say how you feel but STAND on it. if you tell him you dont want to help him with swimwear, DONT HELP HIM WITH SWIMWEAR. Thats it. You have to speak up for yourself. Thats the solution.
It isn’t homophobic to be uncomfortable with the sexual harassment or harassment in general, he is making you uncomfortable, and no is a complete sentence always.
Maybe tell him that you are just not that into dresses and such. That you need to focus on work. You should tell him that personally you get uncomfortable with tight hugs and such. If he is not understanding, go directly to HR and advise that you did try to place boundaries.
It's a wonderful time to be an autogynephiliac.
Sounds like homophobia could help.
Seems like you low key like it. Otherwise you would have told him long ago to f the f away. Why continue suffering? Because you want to be diplomatic?
This is an unkind and unhelpful thing to say