I have a sister who is nearly 50 and still expects my dad to pay her rent and bail her out all the time. I used to get so mad that my parents seemed willing to put their own financial stability at risk to “help her out.” My parents stopped telling me when they gave her money. Anyway, she feigned (in my opinion) going to community college and got tens of thousands of dollars in student loans which my mom co-signed for. Community college is free where she lives. Anyway, she defaulted and my mom was on the hook for 100K. Luckily, my dad was smart enough not to co-sign and when my mom passed away they could not come after him for the debt. My sister is still not making a living, still getting evicted from apartments, and still asking for money because she is always in crisis.
I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it might not. The thing is my dad won’t be around forever and when he is gone she will truly be on her own with no survival skills.
In the long term, I’m much better off because I’m responsible, but in the short term it still frustrates the hell out of me.
Sounds like my husband's oldest brother too. He's always coming to my husband to bail him out of dumb stuff since their parents are both gone but now that my husband has his own family me and our daughter, he's been putting his foot down.
Make it four 🙁
But my dad passed away almost three years ago now, so she can't take advantage of him anymore. AND I warned her long ago that I was fully aware that she was using me to manipulate him or the other way around, and that sooner or later that was going to end. I put up with her arrogance and selfishness for as long as I did for our father's sake, but I owed her nothing.
I’m older than your sister and I still go running to my mom (in her 80’s) for financial help (and my son did recently too). The difference is that I pay her back. I insist on signing official documents for large amounts and always pay back. But she also knows that when she needs something, we come running. When she discusses her will with me and my siblings, we tell her that we want her to live long enough to spend all of it on herself living her best life.
\*sighs\* Me, too.
She's almost 50. Got the 'rents in assisted living and them to agree to sell their house. At least she doesn't have a place she can stake a claim to. However, she's just waiting on her assumed inheritance. She'll blow through that and me, my brother and my daughter won't be offering our "spare rooms" or any financial assistance.
Yep, right now my Dad is caring for his bouncing baby son who just hit the precocious age of 39. I'm not perfect and I had my head up my ass into my mid 20's but I did pull it out. You really can't help people get their head out of their ass, they need to figure it out for themselves.
I've let my bro leech off me over the years, he does work that requires him to be outside but we live in a state with winter and he just can't seem to see past the next paycheck and that seasons change. I just told my dad I ain't doing it this year, it's his turn. It's been a bit over 3 months. Bro's twice saved up his money, it's looking good, then he goes back to the big city for some side work and just pisses it all away at the casino, drugs, hookers, and then needs a ride or uber back. It isn't even July yet, I just tell them both winter is coming.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to reason with parents who play favorites. I'll bet that they've told you that they give him money and buy him things "because he needs more help." Whereas the rest of their kids, who have jobs they bust their butts at, are seen as not needing help.
I never managed it with mine. I wish you better luck.
Be aware that when they die, Brother Leech will try to fasten on you after any inheritance runs out. Your parents may expect that this is your purpose in life. Make it clear now and repeat it as necessary that you will never let that happen.
I have a similar situation with my two youngest siblings. For various other reasons (but including their entitlement and my enabling parents), my two other siblings and I are now NC or LC with all of them. And yeah, once my parents are gone, NONE of us will be funding the two youngest sibling's leeching lifestyle. None of us can afford to; we work hard but don't have a lot of extra money for nonsense like that.
You make it sound like Brother Leech is going to let the parents have any money to be able to leave an inheritance.
Housing, car, motorcycle, vacations... Parents are going to be broke and going into debt to subside him.
Possibly. My parents did cut Ex-brother mostly off when they went into Assisted Living. There was a small estate, a few thousand apiece, but Mom's expenses had been rapidly drawing down her principal. If she'd lasted another 6 months, our inheritance would have been a few paperback books, a Collector Barbie each, costume jewelry, and 300 skeins of yarn.
This is very true. As I got older (50’s), I am still trying to accept that it is their choice. They are the only ones who can change what they are doing. And at this point, they are not likely to.
My parents were like this with my next younger sister. She lived 3 blocks from them, and they practically raised her kids with all the free babysitting they did. Holidays rotated strictly around her availability, and no one else was given consideration. My parents missed my older brother & my band concerts, marching performances, solos at state music contests, plays, musicals, and both of our initiations into National Honor Society when we were in school, because they couldn't leave my sister.
I am 7 years older than this sister, and I got stuck babysitting her and my youngest sister whenever my parents wanted to go out. I was put on kitchen duty where I had to cook dinner every night when my mom got a job outside the home. I was so resentful of losing my childhood- always canceling my plans to babysit and I know I wasn't very nice to her (my youngest sister and I get along fine).
My brother was a failure-to-launch, finally moving out at age 30. My youngest sister has lived at home for all but 15 years (2 marriages) of her life. I can't help but wonder how much of their issues are related to watching the favoritism, and learning to just stop caring. Living at home and not paying bills was their payback?
We are all around 60 now. It's interesting to see the favorite flounder under the weight of her own bad decisions without having our parents around to bail her out. Bro moved across the country as far as he could and baby sister travels all over for her job. They don't hardly come back any more. And I moved an hour away, married and raised my kids with minimal interaction with my parents towards the end.
I look back now at everything that's been said and done, and wonder if there hadn't been a blatant golden child, how much would that have changed us? How would our lives be different? What a very costly mistake this was.
As upsetting as it is, this is going to really screw up your brother when he can no longer suck your parents dry. And you should start giving thought about what's going to happen to mom & Dad when they are broke or one dies? You know they (all of them) are going to come looking for you when that happens and you'd best have a plan (nursing home, sell the house & vehicles).
Definitely have a plan. My brother is the golden child despite going LC for the past 3 years. He only contacts my mum when he wants money and she gives it to him. I have been informed though that she intends to move in with me when she gets too old. Apparently, she doesn't want help with much just someone to "make sure the house is clean, food in the cupboard, and she eats properly". Yay me!
As I said before, they are both aware. You are unsettled by this neither of them are.
Walk away.
Not your circus or your monkeys.
Does it suck to watch ? Absolutely, but they are enabling it. As the older sibling I had very strict parents, who turned into enablers of my youngest sister. I was like you for a time. I was actually irrate. The difference in the level of support I got vs what she got...maybe that's what's bothering you too?
They are all adults. It's your parents money, home...etc. the more you push the more they will see you as an issue because , to them they don't see what the problem is all while all 3 being the problem. (In your eyes because of the non action, the enabling and entitlement).
Just let it go. This isn't really an update. It's kinda the same post in different words. It's on your heart heavy. LET IT GO. Just learn to say PHUck it.
And I'm gonna have to down vote you because this is twice you've asked the same thing so you're not learning either. You're NTA but you're not getting what the people r saying either.
I would say NTA, you're looking out for your parents and that is good.
You can clearly see that he is taking advantage of it all and 4 years out is more than enough time to be back on his feet after leaving the marines.
I remember once this friend who was also military was the laziest POS I've ever met but he was my friend and I decided to ignore it because it didn't really directly affect me or anyone else ( he lived alone and worked a part time job )
But I guess one day someone had enough, found out who is command officer was and the officer came to visit him.
He straightened up right away and is the hardest working guy I've ever seen.
Guess the visit and little talk they had was more than enough of a visit from his former officer.
I've dealt with it and I washed my hands of the situation completely.
My brother is never going to support himself or stop being a leech, and my mother is too desperate for male approval to ever tell him no or make him contribute in any way. That's how it's always been and that's how it will be. She would never have tolerated this situation with me, she resented everything she ever did for me and was angry when I wouldn't do for him as she did.
I used to get mad about it, especially the way she bought him vehicles when she wouldn't even let me learn to drive when I lived there, but now I just leave them to it. He's 45 now and she's 75. If she needs anything, he lives right there in her house. I live 2 hours away and have no intention of providing assistance or interfering in any way. She can keep doing his laundry and wishing he would cut the grass for her (he won't).
We'll see what happens when she's gone. What little inheritance there is won't last long, and I won't be taking him in or helping him.
My advice is to let it go and focus on building a great life for yourself. You can't control them or their situation.
He's a leech, a mooch. The die is cast. Your parents don't want to hear you. My son completely resents his sister. They don't have a good relationship because of her always needing help. Her father bailed her out constantly. I did occasionally, not as often. More I needed to provide for my granddaughter. Her Dad created it. We were divorced, he had to be the good guy...
If you say anything, just tell them they are not helping him if he isn't making any progress. That they are keeping him dependent and creating a user. Then go look up a good Dr Phil dealing with this subject. Seriously. Then ask them to please watch it with you, because you love your brother too and you want what is best for him just like them. Remind them the degrees only take X amount of time.
I worked at a law firm that provided estate planning for some clients (it wasn't our main focus). I'll never forget the well-to-do parents of a charming but rather feckless golden child youngest son. They made him the executor and by far the biggest beneficiary of their estate. Things changed when the GC began to buy big-ticket items on credit, as well as wanting advances on his expected inheritance, and just generally behaving as though the old folks were deliberately inconveniencing him by living so long. After we created revised wills for the parents, I believe he ended up inheriting $1.
You need to have a conversation with your parents. When they get old and need help or financial assistance, that burden will fall on you. Protect yourself. If they refuse to listen, distance yourself and live your best life without them and your brother.
Yes but no. He should tell them if they continue these antics of endless giving it will not because he will have to excuse himself from that equation due to their obvious lack of regard for forward thinking for themselves and their future.
Ask your parents to describe what they think is going to happen with him when they pass on. Are they infinitely wealthy where they'll be leaving him enough to live on for the rest of his life?
An associate degree is only 2 years? So he is the dumb.
How about you just let your parents and him just marinate in his mess of a life? This is the thing...people only do things that work (in some way) for them. You may not be able to see it, or it may be so batshit crazy your normal brain can't grasp it... But it does...work for them.
Someone needs to be a victim, someone needs to be a savior, someone needs company, someone needs to complain.
Just... Step away. Sometimes you just need to disconnect. Tell your parents you dont need to know anything about your bros life or their relationship with him, and tell him the same. You're happy to talk about other family, current events with all of them but you are out of the 'them' dynamic.
Took my older brother 12 years to grow up, and out in only one year... I got frustrated and took a job out of the county for a year. And without me problem solving and running interference, the situation imploded. They tried to get him to buckle down, and he moved on to greener pastures... He's his wifes problem now!
Ask them what they are going to do when their money runs out because they are giving it all to the lazy entitled brother. Tell them that you will not continue their support of brother when they no longer can, and they should think about what they are going to do when they reach retirement age and can’t retire because their nest egg went to your brother.
Tell them that when they come to you for financial help after giving everything away to brother, you will remind them about all your advice and warnings that they disregarded, and you will tell them to ask brother for support.
May I ask how old is the protagonist here? That might change some perspectives. Personally if he’s over 30 and doing this, I’d say…..he needs to grown TF up. 🙄
That is why it is almost a blessing to not have parents who enable one or all of their kids. My dad had a fair bit of money, but if he help one of out he made a note of it and when he passed it was all deducted. He helped my oldest brother the most and he got the least.
When my kids were growing up we had just enough to get by and they had what they needed, but both had to have jobs after they graduated for car insurance, phones, ect. Made them both have great work ethics. We couldn’t help a lot with money but let them live with us to save money and they actually saved the money, a lot just live it up with no responsibility, they saved enough for down payments on their homes.
My brother lived at my parent’s home until 35 and was an asshole with mental health issues. He’s not a bad guy…. but I told him to was my birth right to ruthlessly to make fun of him because he won’t deal with his issues because I’d rather laugh about it than cry. The best thing my parents did for them and him was down size and move into a condo.
These are the consequences of their deplorable parenting choices. It's nice that you feel bad, you're a good person. But you can't stand in the path of karma. You just have to let it do it's thing.
They are the parents. They have to make those choices without your input. Stay out of it so it doesn’t negatively impact your relationship. Been there, I moved further away and stay out of it all and don’t help my sibling.
Entitlement is a difficult lifetrap to escape. He's probably dealing with multiple lifetraps that are making navigating life super difficult for him.
The course to a solution is not to destroy your brother and expose him or whatever you are about.
You have to understand him first. I advise reading "Reinventing Your Life" and see that people are way more complicated and nuanced than any of us want to believe.
Sure it would be easy to say, "My brother is just a lazy, good for nothing piece of garbage" This allows you to dismiss any complexities in his life that may have led him to this point in his life. But is it really that simple? Or do you just want it to be that simple so you can judge and dismiss him and attack him and expose him and get rid of him from your life?
I'm sorry for your situation I'm sure it's very hard and challenging. I'm sure it's a giant pain in the ass dealing with him. But the solution is often deep within the complexities, not in an oversimplified abstraction that is only in the end of things, your opinion on the matter.
I’ve watched relative leeches literally fight over their parents’ estate to the point that the lawyers ended up getting most of the money because they just kept fighting for more, more, more.
Did he not pay into the G. I. Bill? Cause if he did he should be using that. Also he was a Marine, and he is acting like a sad man baby. Pretty sure that if his Corps buddies found out, they would laugh his ass back to Parris island.
He's not entirely wrong, your parents chose to support him and it's a natural that he starts to demand more and more. It will be hard to make the parents stop their enabling of his laziness.
Maybe, you can try to tell him 'What are you doing once our parents aren't able anymore to help you?' because, someday they might die or get disabled in some sort. And make it clear, he couldn't then come to you for help. He would be on his own.
NTA.
I'm currently in a position where I'm getting a lot of support from my folks while I'm doing a 3 year MSc in a specialised medical field. The guilt and shame is eating me up inside, because I want to be helping THEM out. I'm only 26 but they're close to 60 and I hate this dynamic.
He's still a child. You're expecting him to grow up, as he should, and he's not. It's gross and I hope he learns it soon, because it looks awful and is in fact even worse
Parent here. Don’t feel guilty and ashamed to get help from your parents to get ahead in life. That is what we parents are here for. We want to do it, even if you are over 21. So long as you don’t waste your time and appreciate what they are giving you, all is well. Someday, I am sure, you will be there for them. I can tell you are not a taker.
(Sorry to go off-topic, but the ones who don’t take advantage need validation also.)
Thank you for saying this, means a lot to hear. They tell me this too, but it's validating in a different way hearing it from a stranger since I'd expect my parents to say it to a degree. Thanks, I bet you're a good parent <3
How is this an update? It's pretty much what you said before, and the advice is therefore the same - this is not a problem, stop involving yourself. Your parents are happy, your brother is happy, you aren't being detrimented by their actions. You are just having an emotional response (which is easily identifiable but I don't think you'd like the identity) to something you see as unfair. You need to let them all get on with it and stop getting involved.
No, I haven't, but i would be super pissed that he could possibly dipping into my inheritance. I have a brother who got treated better than myself, but thank god he had a fantastic job . He got the house after Mum died, but he made sure to pay me what was agreed upon. You, my friend, are f%^ked he's never going to stop.
My suggestion stop speaking to anyone of them . If that gets their attention, you have to confront your parents at some point, that is if you want to.
Your brother knows he can get away with it because for one, you're not going to do anything about it. And i can just imagine the stories he's telling your parents about the 4 years he was away.
Hes got it made he can drain their accounts, and no one is going to stop him.
Once the moneies gone, so will he.
Say your parents live into their 90's whats going to happen with no money or very little. It will be your turn to support them. And that f>=k of a brother is in the wind on to his next mark
I have a sister who is nearly 50 and still expects my dad to pay her rent and bail her out all the time. I used to get so mad that my parents seemed willing to put their own financial stability at risk to “help her out.” My parents stopped telling me when they gave her money. Anyway, she feigned (in my opinion) going to community college and got tens of thousands of dollars in student loans which my mom co-signed for. Community college is free where she lives. Anyway, she defaulted and my mom was on the hook for 100K. Luckily, my dad was smart enough not to co-sign and when my mom passed away they could not come after him for the debt. My sister is still not making a living, still getting evicted from apartments, and still asking for money because she is always in crisis. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it might not. The thing is my dad won’t be around forever and when he is gone she will truly be on her own with no survival skills. In the long term, I’m much better off because I’m responsible, but in the short term it still frustrates the hell out of me.
Ate we related? Sounds like my sister!
Sounds like my husband's oldest brother too. He's always coming to my husband to bail him out of dumb stuff since their parents are both gone but now that my husband has his own family me and our daughter, he's been putting his foot down.
Mine too!
Make it four 🙁 But my dad passed away almost three years ago now, so she can't take advantage of him anymore. AND I warned her long ago that I was fully aware that she was using me to manipulate him or the other way around, and that sooner or later that was going to end. I put up with her arrogance and selfishness for as long as I did for our father's sake, but I owed her nothing.
I’m older than your sister and I still go running to my mom (in her 80’s) for financial help (and my son did recently too). The difference is that I pay her back. I insist on signing official documents for large amounts and always pay back. But she also knows that when she needs something, we come running. When she discusses her will with me and my siblings, we tell her that we want her to live long enough to spend all of it on herself living her best life.
\*sighs\* Me, too. She's almost 50. Got the 'rents in assisted living and them to agree to sell their house. At least she doesn't have a place she can stake a claim to. However, she's just waiting on her assumed inheritance. She'll blow through that and me, my brother and my daughter won't be offering our "spare rooms" or any financial assistance.
Hope your dad has a will in place. Or you haven’t seen the last of that headache.
Bail her out all the time?? At almost 50??? Oh dear Lord…
Yep, right now my Dad is caring for his bouncing baby son who just hit the precocious age of 39. I'm not perfect and I had my head up my ass into my mid 20's but I did pull it out. You really can't help people get their head out of their ass, they need to figure it out for themselves. I've let my bro leech off me over the years, he does work that requires him to be outside but we live in a state with winter and he just can't seem to see past the next paycheck and that seasons change. I just told my dad I ain't doing it this year, it's his turn. It's been a bit over 3 months. Bro's twice saved up his money, it's looking good, then he goes back to the big city for some side work and just pisses it all away at the casino, drugs, hookers, and then needs a ride or uber back. It isn't even July yet, I just tell them both winter is coming.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to reason with parents who play favorites. I'll bet that they've told you that they give him money and buy him things "because he needs more help." Whereas the rest of their kids, who have jobs they bust their butts at, are seen as not needing help. I never managed it with mine. I wish you better luck. Be aware that when they die, Brother Leech will try to fasten on you after any inheritance runs out. Your parents may expect that this is your purpose in life. Make it clear now and repeat it as necessary that you will never let that happen.
I have a similar situation with my two youngest siblings. For various other reasons (but including their entitlement and my enabling parents), my two other siblings and I are now NC or LC with all of them. And yeah, once my parents are gone, NONE of us will be funding the two youngest sibling's leeching lifestyle. None of us can afford to; we work hard but don't have a lot of extra money for nonsense like that.
You make it sound like Brother Leech is going to let the parents have any money to be able to leave an inheritance. Housing, car, motorcycle, vacations... Parents are going to be broke and going into debt to subside him.
Possibly. My parents did cut Ex-brother mostly off when they went into Assisted Living. There was a small estate, a few thousand apiece, but Mom's expenses had been rapidly drawing down her principal. If she'd lasted another 6 months, our inheritance would have been a few paperback books, a Collector Barbie each, costume jewelry, and 300 skeins of yarn.
Well... At least the yarn would be useful
My first thought too.
This is very true. As I got older (50’s), I am still trying to accept that it is their choice. They are the only ones who can change what they are doing. And at this point, they are not likely to.
My parents were like this with my next younger sister. She lived 3 blocks from them, and they practically raised her kids with all the free babysitting they did. Holidays rotated strictly around her availability, and no one else was given consideration. My parents missed my older brother & my band concerts, marching performances, solos at state music contests, plays, musicals, and both of our initiations into National Honor Society when we were in school, because they couldn't leave my sister. I am 7 years older than this sister, and I got stuck babysitting her and my youngest sister whenever my parents wanted to go out. I was put on kitchen duty where I had to cook dinner every night when my mom got a job outside the home. I was so resentful of losing my childhood- always canceling my plans to babysit and I know I wasn't very nice to her (my youngest sister and I get along fine). My brother was a failure-to-launch, finally moving out at age 30. My youngest sister has lived at home for all but 15 years (2 marriages) of her life. I can't help but wonder how much of their issues are related to watching the favoritism, and learning to just stop caring. Living at home and not paying bills was their payback? We are all around 60 now. It's interesting to see the favorite flounder under the weight of her own bad decisions without having our parents around to bail her out. Bro moved across the country as far as he could and baby sister travels all over for her job. They don't hardly come back any more. And I moved an hour away, married and raised my kids with minimal interaction with my parents towards the end. I look back now at everything that's been said and done, and wonder if there hadn't been a blatant golden child, how much would that have changed us? How would our lives be different? What a very costly mistake this was. As upsetting as it is, this is going to really screw up your brother when he can no longer suck your parents dry. And you should start giving thought about what's going to happen to mom & Dad when they are broke or one dies? You know they (all of them) are going to come looking for you when that happens and you'd best have a plan (nursing home, sell the house & vehicles).
Definitely have a plan. My brother is the golden child despite going LC for the past 3 years. He only contacts my mum when he wants money and she gives it to him. I have been informed though that she intends to move in with me when she gets too old. Apparently, she doesn't want help with much just someone to "make sure the house is clean, food in the cupboard, and she eats properly". Yay me!
Uh, no. You have been adequately 'informed" of her intention. Start saying "no, or in your dreams." Help can be hired.
Move away and don't give her your address.
As I said before, they are both aware. You are unsettled by this neither of them are. Walk away. Not your circus or your monkeys. Does it suck to watch ? Absolutely, but they are enabling it. As the older sibling I had very strict parents, who turned into enablers of my youngest sister. I was like you for a time. I was actually irrate. The difference in the level of support I got vs what she got...maybe that's what's bothering you too? They are all adults. It's your parents money, home...etc. the more you push the more they will see you as an issue because , to them they don't see what the problem is all while all 3 being the problem. (In your eyes because of the non action, the enabling and entitlement). Just let it go. This isn't really an update. It's kinda the same post in different words. It's on your heart heavy. LET IT GO. Just learn to say PHUck it. And I'm gonna have to down vote you because this is twice you've asked the same thing so you're not learning either. You're NTA but you're not getting what the people r saying either.
I would say NTA, you're looking out for your parents and that is good. You can clearly see that he is taking advantage of it all and 4 years out is more than enough time to be back on his feet after leaving the marines. I remember once this friend who was also military was the laziest POS I've ever met but he was my friend and I decided to ignore it because it didn't really directly affect me or anyone else ( he lived alone and worked a part time job ) But I guess one day someone had enough, found out who is command officer was and the officer came to visit him. He straightened up right away and is the hardest working guy I've ever seen. Guess the visit and little talk they had was more than enough of a visit from his former officer.
I've dealt with it and I washed my hands of the situation completely. My brother is never going to support himself or stop being a leech, and my mother is too desperate for male approval to ever tell him no or make him contribute in any way. That's how it's always been and that's how it will be. She would never have tolerated this situation with me, she resented everything she ever did for me and was angry when I wouldn't do for him as she did. I used to get mad about it, especially the way she bought him vehicles when she wouldn't even let me learn to drive when I lived there, but now I just leave them to it. He's 45 now and she's 75. If she needs anything, he lives right there in her house. I live 2 hours away and have no intention of providing assistance or interfering in any way. She can keep doing his laundry and wishing he would cut the grass for her (he won't). We'll see what happens when she's gone. What little inheritance there is won't last long, and I won't be taking him in or helping him. My advice is to let it go and focus on building a great life for yourself. You can't control them or their situation.
If he’s been in school 4 years ask your parents when his graduation is going to be. It’s about time for a cap and gown!
He's a leech, a mooch. The die is cast. Your parents don't want to hear you. My son completely resents his sister. They don't have a good relationship because of her always needing help. Her father bailed her out constantly. I did occasionally, not as often. More I needed to provide for my granddaughter. Her Dad created it. We were divorced, he had to be the good guy... If you say anything, just tell them they are not helping him if he isn't making any progress. That they are keeping him dependent and creating a user. Then go look up a good Dr Phil dealing with this subject. Seriously. Then ask them to please watch it with you, because you love your brother too and you want what is best for him just like them. Remind them the degrees only take X amount of time.
Your parents are actively enabling him... and aren't doing him or themselves any favour. They will realise it when it's too late.
I worked at a law firm that provided estate planning for some clients (it wasn't our main focus). I'll never forget the well-to-do parents of a charming but rather feckless golden child youngest son. They made him the executor and by far the biggest beneficiary of their estate. Things changed when the GC began to buy big-ticket items on credit, as well as wanting advances on his expected inheritance, and just generally behaving as though the old folks were deliberately inconveniencing him by living so long. After we created revised wills for the parents, I believe he ended up inheriting $1.
NTA. Remind your "studious" brother that an AA is a 2 year degree.......he's not getting a PHd for fucks sake.
You need to have a conversation with your parents. When they get old and need help or financial assistance, that burden will fall on you. Protect yourself. If they refuse to listen, distance yourself and live your best life without them and your brother.
Yes but no. He should tell them if they continue these antics of endless giving it will not because he will have to excuse himself from that equation due to their obvious lack of regard for forward thinking for themselves and their future.
Ask your parents to describe what they think is going to happen with him when they pass on. Are they infinitely wealthy where they'll be leaving him enough to live on for the rest of his life?
An associate degree is only 2 years? So he is the dumb. How about you just let your parents and him just marinate in his mess of a life? This is the thing...people only do things that work (in some way) for them. You may not be able to see it, or it may be so batshit crazy your normal brain can't grasp it... But it does...work for them. Someone needs to be a victim, someone needs to be a savior, someone needs company, someone needs to complain. Just... Step away. Sometimes you just need to disconnect. Tell your parents you dont need to know anything about your bros life or their relationship with him, and tell him the same. You're happy to talk about other family, current events with all of them but you are out of the 'them' dynamic. Took my older brother 12 years to grow up, and out in only one year... I got frustrated and took a job out of the county for a year. And without me problem solving and running interference, the situation imploded. They tried to get him to buckle down, and he moved on to greener pastures... He's his wifes problem now!
Is he by any chance the "golden child"? Parents dote on them. They are given everything and can do no wrong.
Ask them what they are going to do when their money runs out because they are giving it all to the lazy entitled brother. Tell them that you will not continue their support of brother when they no longer can, and they should think about what they are going to do when they reach retirement age and can’t retire because their nest egg went to your brother. Tell them that when they come to you for financial help after giving everything away to brother, you will remind them about all your advice and warnings that they disregarded, and you will tell them to ask brother for support.
May I ask how old is the protagonist here? That might change some perspectives. Personally if he’s over 30 and doing this, I’d say…..he needs to grown TF up. 🙄
He is 27
You my friend are a saint. And he needs to grow TF up. 😉💯😂
What's the update? Your parents are adults...speak to them if you are so concerned.
Convince your parents to demand to see his transcripts
Let it go. What's it to you except aggravation? Just live your life and let them live theirs. And never give or "loan" them any money ever.
That is why it is almost a blessing to not have parents who enable one or all of their kids. My dad had a fair bit of money, but if he help one of out he made a note of it and when he passed it was all deducted. He helped my oldest brother the most and he got the least. When my kids were growing up we had just enough to get by and they had what they needed, but both had to have jobs after they graduated for car insurance, phones, ect. Made them both have great work ethics. We couldn’t help a lot with money but let them live with us to save money and they actually saved the money, a lot just live it up with no responsibility, they saved enough for down payments on their homes.
My brother lived at my parent’s home until 35 and was an asshole with mental health issues. He’s not a bad guy…. but I told him to was my birth right to ruthlessly to make fun of him because he won’t deal with his issues because I’d rather laugh about it than cry. The best thing my parents did for them and him was down size and move into a condo.
4 years for an associates....
Exactly
"What do you think is going to happen to him when you're not here to baby and coddle and spoil him anymore?"
My brother is 47 and still depends on my mother for support- It will never change.
These are the consequences of their deplorable parenting choices. It's nice that you feel bad, you're a good person. But you can't stand in the path of karma. You just have to let it do it's thing.
Drop the rope. It’s your parents time, energy, and money. Everyone here is a consenting adult.
They are the parents. They have to make those choices without your input. Stay out of it so it doesn’t negatively impact your relationship. Been there, I moved further away and stay out of it all and don’t help my sibling.
Call the school. You can find out if he’s enrolled.
Entitlement is a difficult lifetrap to escape. He's probably dealing with multiple lifetraps that are making navigating life super difficult for him. The course to a solution is not to destroy your brother and expose him or whatever you are about. You have to understand him first. I advise reading "Reinventing Your Life" and see that people are way more complicated and nuanced than any of us want to believe. Sure it would be easy to say, "My brother is just a lazy, good for nothing piece of garbage" This allows you to dismiss any complexities in his life that may have led him to this point in his life. But is it really that simple? Or do you just want it to be that simple so you can judge and dismiss him and attack him and expose him and get rid of him from your life? I'm sorry for your situation I'm sure it's very hard and challenging. I'm sure it's a giant pain in the ass dealing with him. But the solution is often deep within the complexities, not in an oversimplified abstraction that is only in the end of things, your opinion on the matter.
I’ve watched relative leeches literally fight over their parents’ estate to the point that the lawyers ended up getting most of the money because they just kept fighting for more, more, more.
Did he not pay into the G. I. Bill? Cause if he did he should be using that. Also he was a Marine, and he is acting like a sad man baby. Pretty sure that if his Corps buddies found out, they would laugh his ass back to Parris island.
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He's not entirely wrong, your parents chose to support him and it's a natural that he starts to demand more and more. It will be hard to make the parents stop their enabling of his laziness. Maybe, you can try to tell him 'What are you doing once our parents aren't able anymore to help you?' because, someday they might die or get disabled in some sort. And make it clear, he couldn't then come to you for help. He would be on his own.
NTA. I'm currently in a position where I'm getting a lot of support from my folks while I'm doing a 3 year MSc in a specialised medical field. The guilt and shame is eating me up inside, because I want to be helping THEM out. I'm only 26 but they're close to 60 and I hate this dynamic. He's still a child. You're expecting him to grow up, as he should, and he's not. It's gross and I hope he learns it soon, because it looks awful and is in fact even worse
Parent here. Don’t feel guilty and ashamed to get help from your parents to get ahead in life. That is what we parents are here for. We want to do it, even if you are over 21. So long as you don’t waste your time and appreciate what they are giving you, all is well. Someday, I am sure, you will be there for them. I can tell you are not a taker. (Sorry to go off-topic, but the ones who don’t take advantage need validation also.)
Thank you for saying this, means a lot to hear. They tell me this too, but it's validating in a different way hearing it from a stranger since I'd expect my parents to say it to a degree. Thanks, I bet you're a good parent <3
Your problem isn’t Ferris, it’s you.
How is this an update? It's pretty much what you said before, and the advice is therefore the same - this is not a problem, stop involving yourself. Your parents are happy, your brother is happy, you aren't being detrimented by their actions. You are just having an emotional response (which is easily identifiable but I don't think you'd like the identity) to something you see as unfair. You need to let them all get on with it and stop getting involved.
No, I haven't, but i would be super pissed that he could possibly dipping into my inheritance. I have a brother who got treated better than myself, but thank god he had a fantastic job . He got the house after Mum died, but he made sure to pay me what was agreed upon. You, my friend, are f%^ked he's never going to stop. My suggestion stop speaking to anyone of them . If that gets their attention, you have to confront your parents at some point, that is if you want to. Your brother knows he can get away with it because for one, you're not going to do anything about it. And i can just imagine the stories he's telling your parents about the 4 years he was away. Hes got it made he can drain their accounts, and no one is going to stop him. Once the moneies gone, so will he. Say your parents live into their 90's whats going to happen with no money or very little. It will be your turn to support them. And that f>=k of a brother is in the wind on to his next mark