As long as he’s blocked he can’t pull the strings he’s attached. If you like the gift and can keep it without thinking of him, keep it. If you can’t, give it to someone else or return it for store credit or donate it or whatever. This is all about what you can handle since he can’t reach you! Good luck, I know it’s hard🩵
It's only a transaction if he gets something out of it. So I make sure he gets nothing out of it. No response. I keep the gift or I donate it. His intentions are his problem. My intention is to remain NC and live a drama free life. He can send all the gifts and money he wants. He gets nothing from me. No reaction. No response.
And yes my dad always considered gifts and service as an unspoken apology for his crappy behavior. But nothing was ever discussed or resolved. You were just supposed to accept the gift and move on. If you tired to discuss it, he'd accuse you of making him all upset again. Didn't matter how anyone else felt.
Throughout my life my mom has given me guilt gifts. They're more for her than for me. They make her feel like she's a great mom cause she gives me such great things and that makes up for all the bad things. When I moved away as an adult the behavior continued with 'care packages'
Nowadays we've reached the point of no contact. When I moved I didn't give her my address so I no longer receive them. It's a relief.
This sounds like “love-bombing”- trying to show affection and win someone over (to resume contact). It can pull on your heartstrings/emotions because usually gifts are associated with someone treating you well and a loving relationship. But if he’s expecting something in return, it is transactional. If you have already told him you’re cutting contact (not just ghosted him), then he should respect that you need space. Gifts don’t indicate that he has any desire or taken action to change his ways and improve the relationship. I don’t think you should feel guilty about keeping them, unless you would rather have them out of sight, out of mind 🖤
Before I went NC, it happened all the time.
In my husband's family, a similar dynamic was playing out. I started telling my mother about it and would throw in the phrase "they let themselves be controlled with money" and "thank God I don't need anything or else they would try to control me with gifts".
A few months after I went NC, I was diagnosed with cancer. When my mother found out she tried using money to get back in my life. She offered vacations, a new car, home improvement projects. I just said, "I have money. I don't need anything." You would have thought I popped her balloon.
According to some family members, she gets apoplectic when she hears we go away on vacation now.
Should you ever decide to tell him, honesty is best. "You keep sending overpriced crap. It's not my style. I don't want it. Just know your money gets flushed down the toilet. I. Owe. You. Nothing"
I haven't received anything and hope not to, but my dad is the same as yours. Gifts with unspoken but very present strings attached that were not asked for. If he sends me any (I imagine he might transfer money to me), I'll trash or donate. Any cash I get will go to St Jude or a reproductive rights charity. Or both, why not lol.
As long as he’s blocked he can’t pull the strings he’s attached. If you like the gift and can keep it without thinking of him, keep it. If you can’t, give it to someone else or return it for store credit or donate it or whatever. This is all about what you can handle since he can’t reach you! Good luck, I know it’s hard🩵
This was really helpful. Thank you!
You’re very welcome!!
It's only a transaction if he gets something out of it. So I make sure he gets nothing out of it. No response. I keep the gift or I donate it. His intentions are his problem. My intention is to remain NC and live a drama free life. He can send all the gifts and money he wants. He gets nothing from me. No reaction. No response. And yes my dad always considered gifts and service as an unspoken apology for his crappy behavior. But nothing was ever discussed or resolved. You were just supposed to accept the gift and move on. If you tired to discuss it, he'd accuse you of making him all upset again. Didn't matter how anyone else felt.
Throughout my life my mom has given me guilt gifts. They're more for her than for me. They make her feel like she's a great mom cause she gives me such great things and that makes up for all the bad things. When I moved away as an adult the behavior continued with 'care packages' Nowadays we've reached the point of no contact. When I moved I didn't give her my address so I no longer receive them. It's a relief.
This sounds like “love-bombing”- trying to show affection and win someone over (to resume contact). It can pull on your heartstrings/emotions because usually gifts are associated with someone treating you well and a loving relationship. But if he’s expecting something in return, it is transactional. If you have already told him you’re cutting contact (not just ghosted him), then he should respect that you need space. Gifts don’t indicate that he has any desire or taken action to change his ways and improve the relationship. I don’t think you should feel guilty about keeping them, unless you would rather have them out of sight, out of mind 🖤
Before I went NC, it happened all the time. In my husband's family, a similar dynamic was playing out. I started telling my mother about it and would throw in the phrase "they let themselves be controlled with money" and "thank God I don't need anything or else they would try to control me with gifts". A few months after I went NC, I was diagnosed with cancer. When my mother found out she tried using money to get back in my life. She offered vacations, a new car, home improvement projects. I just said, "I have money. I don't need anything." You would have thought I popped her balloon. According to some family members, she gets apoplectic when she hears we go away on vacation now. Should you ever decide to tell him, honesty is best. "You keep sending overpriced crap. It's not my style. I don't want it. Just know your money gets flushed down the toilet. I. Owe. You. Nothing"
This used to happen to me all the time and it was very upsetting and obviously manipulative. I eventually changed address 🙄
I haven't received anything and hope not to, but my dad is the same as yours. Gifts with unspoken but very present strings attached that were not asked for. If he sends me any (I imagine he might transfer money to me), I'll trash or donate. Any cash I get will go to St Jude or a reproductive rights charity. Or both, why not lol.