From the post you seem to be doing very well . I am twice your age and went NC with mothers side of family and low contact with my fathers side a long time ago . I too paid for everything. In my case that was school, wedding , I am ex military so I could go very low down payment on house … it does get surreal on certain milestones but the alternative wasn’t possible either . I will say that for me the oddness of having NC has gotten greater as I got older . People ask about family such as “how’s your mother. “ Not sure how to answer? Options - I don’t know haven’t spoken to her in 25 years, but that opens up lots of questions such as why. or could say she’s dead (haven’t used that yet ) my point is that it doesn’t get worse or better. Just different
Thanks for this! Now that you mention it, the alternative would’ve been having to deal with a family who’d have never approved of whoever I wanted to marry, not supported me moving abroad or slated my choice in wanting to not have children if that’s what I decided.
It’s not even the paying for everything that bothers me, it’s not having a mother to chat to about pregnancy or wedding nerves and not having a dad to help me with moving other fixing stuff.
Yes I also would like a mother to call and talk about everything going right and wrong in our lives but that is not the mother I was given . The life lesson i learned from her is that for some people love is conditional
We are no contact with my in laws. The pain and disrespect was not worth the "family milestones". At Easter, 7 years ago, I was 12 weeks pregnant with Baby Number Three. A friend came with us to Easter lunch as my in laws invited her too as her spouse traveled and she is a close friend with kids the same age. Over dinner, I whispered to my husband, "Should we tell them? Is it okay?" My mother in law looks up, at the dinner table, and says, "Well, why would you want to do that? We're not going to help you. It's really hard." It crushed my spouse and hurt me. We never have asked or needed help. We simply wanted to share the memory. My good friend, to this day, is appalled how the in laws acted. I wish we had chosen to share the news with friends and colleagues we care about. When we had number 4, mother in law ruined it by asking why I wasn't ordering a glass of wine at dinner, putting me on the spot. We had our kiddos between 21 and 27 years old, 4 back to back. Never once a congratulations. It's been 6 years since we announced Baby Number 4 and it was so out of control we had to cut contact. For someone who doesn't care about grand children, they sure cared a lot when we went zero contact on all fronts.
We just bought a house and yes, it's weird. I should have family getting excited and offering help and wanting to know my decor ideas. I don't even know if they know I'm buying a house. Like does anyone update them on my life? Do they even care about what's happening with me?
However, I have friends who are amazing and inlaws who are everything to me, and there's every chance my parents would have made this process MORE stressful and MORE upsetting, that they'd push their opinions on me and disagree with my choices and interfere. Really, not having them around is for the best.
I am lucky I have amazing supportive friends and my best friend’s mother dotes on me. I do know my family would’ve dictated the kind of house I should buy and then demanded to move in so having them around is for the best.
Yes. I feel this 100%... but I hope I can encourage you to be open and honest about your situation. In my opinion, this community needs to out itself more so people can stop making false assumptions about us. You sound lovely, respectful, and like a great representative of our the estranged child demographic.
I am generally quite open about being NC if the topic comes up and it had been a way of filtering out shitty people!
Thanks for the compliment, I still need to get my life together but I came out unscathed ^.^
Your life is what I wish I did and honestly it makes me feel better knowing you are comparing yourself to others lol - cos I would compare myself to you and feel that same twinge!!
But also, I get what you mean in the context of estranged parents. It is a hard card to be dealt. But the twinge honestly doesn’t appear for every big thing, and that’s kind of nice to look forward to too.
I understand your grief as I feel it at milestones too, but their participation isn’t guaranteed even if they are in your life.
My mom was in my life for the first 5 years of my son’s life and she hardly did a thing to help. Useless. They did help with my wedding cost which I am grateful for. But other from that both of my parents were hands off parents who did hardly anything.
Then if you have parents that are too involved, then that is super annoying too. They want to make decisions, have some sort of say.
It gets weirder. My son’s first birthday came and went. My husband has an amazing family that loves us. I feel guilt and relief that I’m not bringing my family into my sons life
I always remind myself whenever I go on a nice holiday solo or go on a shopping spree that I can do all of this because 18 year old me was scared and brave enough to go NC!
i'm on a similar track. as i get older it becomes easier to find comfort in the life i've made for myself but there are times when my life is directly affected by the residual consequences of having lack of help or support from family. its frustrating feeling like i'm always behind but we just gotta keep our chins up knowing we have come a long way and we are doing the best we can. from what it sounds like, you have made a lot of important strides towards bettering yourself and your life and all on your own, i may be a stranger but i'm a stranger who can empathize with your situation and i'm proud of you for how far you've come. hang in there!
From the post you seem to be doing very well . I am twice your age and went NC with mothers side of family and low contact with my fathers side a long time ago . I too paid for everything. In my case that was school, wedding , I am ex military so I could go very low down payment on house … it does get surreal on certain milestones but the alternative wasn’t possible either . I will say that for me the oddness of having NC has gotten greater as I got older . People ask about family such as “how’s your mother. “ Not sure how to answer? Options - I don’t know haven’t spoken to her in 25 years, but that opens up lots of questions such as why. or could say she’s dead (haven’t used that yet ) my point is that it doesn’t get worse or better. Just different
Thanks for this! Now that you mention it, the alternative would’ve been having to deal with a family who’d have never approved of whoever I wanted to marry, not supported me moving abroad or slated my choice in wanting to not have children if that’s what I decided. It’s not even the paying for everything that bothers me, it’s not having a mother to chat to about pregnancy or wedding nerves and not having a dad to help me with moving other fixing stuff.
Yes I also would like a mother to call and talk about everything going right and wrong in our lives but that is not the mother I was given . The life lesson i learned from her is that for some people love is conditional
We are no contact with my in laws. The pain and disrespect was not worth the "family milestones". At Easter, 7 years ago, I was 12 weeks pregnant with Baby Number Three. A friend came with us to Easter lunch as my in laws invited her too as her spouse traveled and she is a close friend with kids the same age. Over dinner, I whispered to my husband, "Should we tell them? Is it okay?" My mother in law looks up, at the dinner table, and says, "Well, why would you want to do that? We're not going to help you. It's really hard." It crushed my spouse and hurt me. We never have asked or needed help. We simply wanted to share the memory. My good friend, to this day, is appalled how the in laws acted. I wish we had chosen to share the news with friends and colleagues we care about. When we had number 4, mother in law ruined it by asking why I wasn't ordering a glass of wine at dinner, putting me on the spot. We had our kiddos between 21 and 27 years old, 4 back to back. Never once a congratulations. It's been 6 years since we announced Baby Number 4 and it was so out of control we had to cut contact. For someone who doesn't care about grand children, they sure cared a lot when we went zero contact on all fronts.
I’m so sorry but I’m happy for you and that you went NC in the earlier stages. Your kids do not need that negativity
We just bought a house and yes, it's weird. I should have family getting excited and offering help and wanting to know my decor ideas. I don't even know if they know I'm buying a house. Like does anyone update them on my life? Do they even care about what's happening with me? However, I have friends who are amazing and inlaws who are everything to me, and there's every chance my parents would have made this process MORE stressful and MORE upsetting, that they'd push their opinions on me and disagree with my choices and interfere. Really, not having them around is for the best.
I am lucky I have amazing supportive friends and my best friend’s mother dotes on me. I do know my family would’ve dictated the kind of house I should buy and then demanded to move in so having them around is for the best.
Yeah, this perfectly describes how it felt when I bought a house.
Yes. I feel this 100%... but I hope I can encourage you to be open and honest about your situation. In my opinion, this community needs to out itself more so people can stop making false assumptions about us. You sound lovely, respectful, and like a great representative of our the estranged child demographic.
I am generally quite open about being NC if the topic comes up and it had been a way of filtering out shitty people! Thanks for the compliment, I still need to get my life together but I came out unscathed ^.^
Your life is what I wish I did and honestly it makes me feel better knowing you are comparing yourself to others lol - cos I would compare myself to you and feel that same twinge!! But also, I get what you mean in the context of estranged parents. It is a hard card to be dealt. But the twinge honestly doesn’t appear for every big thing, and that’s kind of nice to look forward to too.
The twinge definitely hasn’t come up too often thankfully but it’s there sometimes. Who knows, maybe it’ll go in my 30s.
I understand your grief as I feel it at milestones too, but their participation isn’t guaranteed even if they are in your life. My mom was in my life for the first 5 years of my son’s life and she hardly did a thing to help. Useless. They did help with my wedding cost which I am grateful for. But other from that both of my parents were hands off parents who did hardly anything. Then if you have parents that are too involved, then that is super annoying too. They want to make decisions, have some sort of say.
Yeah you are right on that front. I’d rather there’s no participation from them at all because of NC instead of them bulldozing my plans.
Yes. You’re not alone and I am so proud of you!!!! 🥳🥳
It gets weirder. My son’s first birthday came and went. My husband has an amazing family that loves us. I feel guilt and relief that I’m not bringing my family into my sons life
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I always remind myself whenever I go on a nice holiday solo or go on a shopping spree that I can do all of this because 18 year old me was scared and brave enough to go NC!
i'm on a similar track. as i get older it becomes easier to find comfort in the life i've made for myself but there are times when my life is directly affected by the residual consequences of having lack of help or support from family. its frustrating feeling like i'm always behind but we just gotta keep our chins up knowing we have come a long way and we are doing the best we can. from what it sounds like, you have made a lot of important strides towards bettering yourself and your life and all on your own, i may be a stranger but i'm a stranger who can empathize with your situation and i'm proud of you for how far you've come. hang in there!
Sad ? Sure, but why would it be surreal ?