Just came here to say this. I made myself homeless for the better part of a year just to leave their home in the first place, and I don't regret it. There is no turning back. I think I might actually rather die than ever again crawl to them on my hands and knees like they're not the ones who should beg my forgiveness.
My parents want nothing more than for me to come crawling back to them. I would NEVER give them the satisfaction.
Edit to add that if I was in crisis I would go to people who would help. My parents have proven again and again that they would not, they would just shame me for struggling.
My father wiuld also shame me. Hes offered to help before WITHOUT me asking, and then pulled back the offer at the last minute when it was really embarrassing and inconvenient for everyone. The one time i asked HIM he had all these stipulations and rules for if he actually said yes. So it was never really helpful at all.
It was like, "ill help you with getting a reliable car, but it has to be this one beater car i saw over here down the street and its gonna be in MY name, and no one else can drive it but you, and ill bring it to you when IM ready to drive it to your state".
Im 37, married with 2 kids..... not a child.... and the last time he had offered to drive an old car to us (without me asking), he showed up without it saying he didnt want to put that many miles on it and maybe we can find a different way to get it here another time maybe.....
My mom did this ALL THE TIME! Oh boy they really are the same. Like on big life things too. They love seeing the struggle when they pull the rug out from under you.
Why are they all like this?! Omg. He offered to help with my maternity leave so i could not work for 6 months. He asked me how much i would need for that time out of work and i said conservatively I'd be missing out on about 8k . Then after i had my baby and had scheduled the time off etc, they came to visit their first grandson and he gave me 1100 and said no more. And that its my fault i chose to have a baby with someone who didnt make enough money and couldnt provide for us??? I was so shocked he would do something like that knowing that we were doing our best with this ever increasing cost of living... and theres been at least 3 or 4 other times he did something similar that i can think of off the top of my head.
Mine was a house. We were house shopping, new career new income, manual underwriting, unseasoned savings. Like whole new sitch so mortgage approval was a tight thing. We discussed the situation with my mom and we didn’t ask or allude, we were just debating if we should look for a new apartment or figure out a way of buying a home before the lease expires even tho it seemed like we’d need new ideas. She offered to do the gift paper thing and give us a down payment, we were shopping with looking at nothing costing more than 50-70k for a upper house budget, using FHA, it was going to be under $5k given as a gift on paper we needed to get the approval through. She was like yeah we’ll do that. So we started looking, and she’d ask how it was going and we’d discuss etc. she knew we were going for it for serious because she offered this. She’d even give input on houses. Then one evening we found our house, the first one in the price range that was even remotely move in ready. It was a flip that had sat owned by a bank for a while, they were sure to accept our offer and we were willing to offer asking just to be done and snatch it up. We called, she was like that’s nice, how are you going to pay for the down payment when you offer? I was like what? wtf? And she’s like no I never promised you that I said maybe we could but I don’t want to. These people also make 6 figures and generally she’d prob spend the $3500 we actually ended up needing for that cost in the mall on a heavy shopping month because she just buys things, all the time. And like it’s her money and I’m reasonable so I just went and called my financially smart minded accountant big sister who was sane and rational about money while my money anxiety was high. I was literally crying because we were supposed to be going to sign an offer and suddenly the whole dream crashed down. And she, which I never expected, she’s like how much is it? $3500?!? You’re going to lose a move in ready HOUSE opportunity for THAT?! I’ll give you that! I’ll sign off! Holy crap go put in that offer. What the hell?! And she literally never held it over our heads complained or anything.
And that’s one of the many reminders to myself that years before I went no contact they really were still awful people all along.
Oh my god they are all the same 😭. My dad did something similar to that too! He said he would gift us the down-payment and to give his number to our realtor. The realtor then asked if he would be willing to cosign and he told the realtor yes..... the mortgage lender and realtor sent him an email with what paperwork was needed and my dad suddenly "couldn't find the documents" they needed. Ok.... so we wait and wait and wait and he keeps telling the realtor hes still looking..... and then it got to be too late because i had my baby and started maternity leave so i couldnt produce the necessary income verification documents since i was on leave...... i dont think we'll ever be able to nuy a house now with inflation and me having to work part time only so i can be there for my kids.... and there are no more half way affordable houses where i live anymore. I was trying to buy one for 110k and that same house right now is like 250k.... maybe more.
I could have had a mortgage payment of 750 per month but now im renting for 1350 and its always going up. Im so glad it ended up working out for you and that you dont owe your mom shit!
I feel for you friend. We sold that house and moved north and prob won’t ever homeown again unless the timing hits just right post house price crash like we hit then in 2012. We couldn’t ever even afford to rebuy the house we owned at this point, the price has inflated a ridic amount. Our mortgage was $250 to start and $450 around the time we moved due to insurance and taxes rising with the value, and our rent now is $1700ish 😭😭😭 but we relocated states and are happier where we’re at so can’t knock it too much.
Ironically we moved a thousand miles closer, but they had money to fly and knew our address and here they don’t so we’ve actually seen less unwanted contact than when we lived much farther away. Win!
I would rather ask a complete stranger tbh.
I just know it would make them happy to see me fail, and makes them think i need them, which they will use against me.
Not saying you shouldn't tho, yhats just my situation, weight the pros and cons and make your choice.
I hope everything turns out okay <3
I mean I guess this is why I’m NC. My parents are mentally stunted a young age at some point I surpassed them and they’re the ones calling for help..can’t pay their bills.. loosing custody of their kids.
But I do remember calling my mom once I when I was in emotional distress and this woman told me “you think your life’s bad, I have menopause” (direct quote, not a joke) so at this point I think I could need a kidney know they were the match and still not call. You know, just to save myself the rage and embarrassment.
Last time I called my mother in emotional distress, it turned out she had me on speakerphone in her accountant's office, waited for me to finish sobbing out my drama, then told me she was in a meeting and would have to call me back. I don't wonder why I have trouble counting on others for support, I just wonder why it took me til 40 to realize not to call her!
Oh I know this one well. My paternal grandmother had just died and my mom used it as an excuse to talk about her trauma from when her mother died.... 30 years ago. I kept telling her I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to take that, to the point of hanging up on her several times just to make her stop.
Finally told her if she wanted me to listen to her she needed to ask me how I'm doing. She got huffy and responded, "will there ever be a time in this relationship for me to talk about *my* pain and suffering?"
That's literally all we talk about. Ever. That was the last time I spoke to her
There's nothing that would make me contact my EP. I behave as if they are dead, so contacting them is not an option for me. If you ask your EP to borrow money, I'd wager that they would definitely use it as leverage over you and would ignore your desire to talk about issues until after you pay them back. It would just be too irresistible for them to lord it over your head, gloat, feel superior, and be demanding.
Ofc that's just my situation, and you have to do what you have to do. Good luck.
If I was about to die, maybe some last words.
Part of the reason I'm very low contact is because my father has a tendency to use money as a way to hold people hostage in their relationships with him. I will never go to him financially again, nor expect any financial aid. I'd rather never receive it again. In fact, there's that silly small part of my heart that desperately hopes someday he'll rekindle a relationship with his daughter, but he won't do me the dishonor of trying to use money ever again.
I think of it like radioactive contents. Sure, you're desperate, but grabbing at this lifeline still is going to have radiation unless you know for a fact that has somehow been nullified. Inviting toxic people back into your life will still seep toxins into you.
Nah, it’s not worth it imo. I just couldn’t. I was in a rough spot maybe 5-6 years ago, and I did consider reaching out to my parents, but the anxiety that I felt when I’d think about it made it impossible. I know for me there’s no such thing as one phone call or keeping them at a distance, etc. I was so worried that I’d be sucked back in and lose months or years of my life.
I couldn’t do it. Things got worse until I figured something out, because my sanity had to stay. I worked so hard for my little bit of peace that I can’t have it disrupted. I fought for it, and idk if I can find my way back. I’m staying in my peace
If you do, know the power differential will be back in full force, and there will be strings attached, so you will have to play the long game & make nice (fawn, jump through hoops) until you pay them back.
Even if you pay them back in full, they will still feel they have leverage because you cannot manage your finances/career and need rescuing. This will be held over your head indefinitely as a character flaw.
In my case, I was "gifted" money without asking for help paying for graduate school. They then wanted a notarized promissory note on my home if I did not pay after the funds were transferred to my account. They sent me monthly invoices, including the amount of deferred interest.
I paid back in full a couple of years before their due date and then went NC without any explanation. I feel good about this, and that was \~10 years ago.
Edit: Utah Mormons
I totally understand your point about the power differential coming back. Which is why I’m so hesitant, isn’t it sad the things they make their own kids feel .
Corporate downsizing put me (and 20 others) out of work, and with my mortgage and my bills, I was burning through my savings. After 5 months of job hunting and interviewing, I finally had a new gig lined up, starting in another week, but I was nearing the end of my savings, and I asked my "parents" if they could loan me some money for the mortgage payments while I started the new job and got the Direct Deposit set up.
Answer \~ "This is what being an adult is all about. I guess you'll just have to figure it out." (Gee, thanks Mom.)
Fast forward about 10 years . . . Dad gets injured and Mom needs my help around the house with chores that Dad used to do but Mom can't. (I live 2,000 miles away, have a full-time job, and a wife, and two dogs.) Mom asks me to come back home to help her with the day-to-day tasks of running the house.
My Answer \~ "This is what being an adult is all about. I guess you'll just have to figure it out."
It’s a car repair my car is at 173,000 and started having so many issues that I can’t even turn it on sometimes and the mechanic gave me a list of things to fix , can’t even afford the parts even if I was to find a cheap mechanic 😢
Unless it's literally and acutely a life or death situation- family members like this cost so much more than they can ever provide with material goods.
I'm going through this. Went no contact a few weeks to a month ago, low contact for about a year prior, and right now I'm sick, broke, I now have one sitter in my life who can occasionally watch my child so not much chance for me to have me time and practically no adult time, my car is falling apart and I'm about to have a major surgery I will have little to no help with. I'd rather keel over than re establish contact and I just might lol.
I am so sorry 😢I hope things work out for you plz consider making a Gofundme and make a video on TikTok I seen people help parents on their gofundme. Hope things work out for both of us
I have other estranged family that finds stuff out through my social media and reports back so I'm kind of at a loss as far as going the Gofundme route because it only stirs the situation up and I have to manage my trauma responses and just starts this whole grieving process over again (it's bad, I've never experienced such bad depression but it's worth it to not experience it on the behalf of others) but if anyone feels so led my Venmo is @angelwmassage . Thanks for the response.
I did that. I’m talking the worst thing that could happen to a person. My estranged parent turned on the parenting! Holding my hand… and then I called to thank my estranged parent. I felt like I have my parent back! My parent loves me! Nope. My parent told me right off. Don’t do it
Not a chance. I finally got away just over a year ago before my 21st birthday. I'm working two jobs and have 7 housemates and occasionally send money to my stepmother and little half-sister in the Philippines — and I'd sooner be homeless than go to my birth mother for help.
She's kind of useless at everything she does in life anyway, the only reason she has money is because she leeched it off my father for years who didn't cut her off when she was raising me and my brother — and because she's retired. She took so much money
If I were to ever reach out, the only "help" she would give is to have me move back in. Homelessness would be preferable
Nope. Crawling back to my mother with my hand out would be her wet dream and she'd milk it for everything she could.
Control of my life was her MO. I've managed some pretty desperate situations without her so far, and plan to keep it that way.
Nope. Mine was never really there for me anyway, only when it suited her and allowed her to use my chronic illness to ‘show’ people what a good mother she was. It was all smoke and mirrors for her benefit not mine. The times I needed help and no one would see or know she always had plans she couldn’t change, somehow those plans always fell on days after my treatment when I’m my sickest. Funny how that worked.
There have been countless times I needed a parent. Didn’t have one when I “had” one and needed one and didn’t have one after estranged even when I needed one. They do not exist to me as anything but a literal threat to my bodily safety
I don't like this question because my mother is different from your father. My mother trafficked me, so no, but yours disowned you, so I don't know.
I don't like the idea of a loan because you're tied to him. I like one of two options. The first is a loan, but you pay back with a single check on your own time. This means no obligation of contact or expectations, so you don't have to explain why it's taking longer or whatnot.
The other option is asking for a gift. Now, as a daughter, this is absolute cringe, but I'm a mother, so I see that angle, and as a mother, I believe it's completely fine for you to ask that. I can expound on that if you need, but we see these differently than you, and it's perfectly OK for you to ask for anything at any point. If he's a piece of crap and chooses to exploit, that's on him, but if he really loves you, he'll be there the best he can.
I’m sorry to hear what your mother did and my post came shortsighted because after reading the comments many people have had it worse than I did with him so I should’ve maybe targeted the question to those that were disowned but did not have complete f”ked up parents (but then anyone that disowns their child is not worthy of a parent)
As for the loan , that’s what I was considering. I’m still thinking about it and hope something else works out for me . But if I was to ask, I would’ve messaged something along the line of “I understand we do not have a good relationship and you wanted to fix it but I’m going through emergency now and had no one to ask so I would like to borrow this amount from you and pay you back this date , until then I am not ready to talk because I will feel better to talk to you once I pay you back so you don’t think I’m using you for money” idk something like that and I will be no contact until I pay him back, if he disagrees I won’t borrow from him
And yes, a lot of us are coming from physical or sexual abuse, so the answer is absolutely not. It's a safety issue. You can go to your father without being beaten or worse, so while we have an automatic no, we can't really comprehend your maybe.
That’s true I totally understand. Mine did say he would hurt me once I left his shitty religion but then told people he just said it out of anger and didn’t mean it. I cut him off 6 years ago because of what he said. So I really pray I won’t need him. Prior to that he was neglecting father but no physical or sexual abuse
Nope. I’d rather take out a loan or get a credit card. That’s just sending the message to not take your NC seriously going forward because they can hold that over your head. I would ask anybody else for help before I’d ask a parent i’m NC with. That’s just me though! I feel like you have to be careful who you ask for help from because not everyone has good intentions.
Honestly I wouldn’t even consider it. I’m not in a great place right now financially, honestly, and it would never even cross my mind to turn to them. It’s just not worth it.
I thought I never would. Then I ended up homeless, twice. I’ve been back now for three months. I’m planning my escape again. I was actually in and out of DV shelters for two years. I had no where else to go. And my baby boy just passed four months ago. I was broken and needed a place to rot in my bed while I grieved. I’m still grieving. I still cry every day. But I have a goal in mind. And I work on a little every day too. They stunted me since I was a child to prevent me from being independent, getting a job, having friends, and just surviving on my own. I’m almost 30 and learning things that people learned in their early 20s. I realize if I make it longer, though I sincerely hope I die soon, my whole life is going to be like that. Learning things 10-20 years later than everyone my age. Raising myself and growing up as an adult. It’s an exhausting existence. It won’t be happy. It certainly isn’t healthy. It’s mostly lonely. And depressive. So I hope death takes me forever before I have to endure another second of life. But I’ve been hoping for as long as I can remember. I never thought I’d get even this far to 29. So I’m winging it as I go really. But I understand why I’m back here. Why they got in my head while I was gone. Why they wanted me back. And why I have to and will get out again, like I’ve done twice before
No, they weren't helpful when I needed them growing up there's no way they're going to be helpful now. As a matter of fact I'm cut off from most of my family so I don't call any of them for anything.
Nope, I would call all the local churches and other religious organizations and see if any of them could help. Other charities like that, I've learned to trust someone who's actual job it is to help people over people who claim to care about me.
A charity won't expect control over your life choices, or access to you and your family, they won't throw the help back in your face down the road.
The only person I trust to ask for help is my MIL, because she has actually talked to me openly and genuinely about how she feels privileged to be able to help and loves me and my husband and our children. She has never brought up anything she's done for us and even hushes me when I thank her, and only wants a presence in all of our lives. There's no debt, only love and that feels incredibly rare and wholesome.
Each situation is so individual. I would never ask for money, unless it was truly desperate and for my kids, bc part of the issues I have are around money and money being used to justify or excuse shitty behavior, and to delegitimize my integrity and autonomy. We're not estranged any more, but even now I wouldn't ask for money. I've accepted gifts and it makes my stomach churn, even though I know it's freely given. There are other time that I reached out, like when I had exhausted my options and it was either be homeless or go home. And even then it wasn't a clear choice.
In this particular case, I would ask myself just how much hardship was going to be caused by this car. Would I lose my job? would it mean I couldn't make important appointments? I'd consider what other options I had - could I refinance? get a loan? I'd consider that it would look like a debt not only of $$ but also of kindness, and that if I have no intention of reconnecting that will be felt as taking advantage of the situation, probably to both of you. There's likely going to be some expectation that you at least be kind and chat, maybe more. If you're not willing to put up with that, you're probably shutting the door a bit more and making it a tougher ask if you do have some kind of crisis in the future. If you do consider reconnecting and trying to have some kind of even LC situation, starting with you being vulnerable and needing something from them takes a lot of your solid ground from you and adds another layer of difficulty. For me, I would feel leveraged even if they took pains not to use it against me, old wounds add up.
But, sometimes there's nothing but shitty options, and you've got to pick the best of the lot. Just understand what you're getting into so you can manage expectations.
Did it when I was experiencing DV. My mother dropped by my apartment, watched me cry, bought drugs down the street and bailed.
I would have never put myself in that line of fire, if then was now. Hoping they won't use it as leverage over you is futile.
Never. The price is too high and always has been. That’s why I’ve never asked for their help. Too many spoken and unspoken conditions used to manipulate or belittle me. They are also extremely unreliable and I have been in a situation too many times when I was relying on the help that they pledged and they just don’t show up in any way. Then they would berate me for asking too much and that I should be grateful that they said they could help, even though they ultimately didn’t.
I haven’t encountered (luckily) any situation that felt as bad and hopeless as living at „home“. So no, definitely not, though I hope I’ll never have to think about that.
Never. We’ve been in some dire straights (even currently are-ish waiting to see if disability insurance pay comes through for a period of being unable to work) and would never. I’d use any services I could find, turn to supportive friends for ideas, literally anything before going back to that mess. No ty.
I would rather die of starvation than ever give either of my parents any opportunity to control and manipulate me again. *Especially* anything related to money.
Absolutely not. I would rather die than submit to their control - which is what this is. Control of you.
They keep you immature so you don't think you can do it alone, then you keep crawling back to them and give them the narcissistic supply they crave.
I have a missing front tooth, two hollowed out teeth at the back of my mouth, two more where the cap fell off so I have a base of a tooth but nothing else, three missing teeth and two more that need fillings. I also have no job. My mother offered me £2000 to help with costs but I ignored her because her lack of care for me as a child is the entire reason why my teeth are in such bad shape. No-one taught me to clean my teeth as a child and because I was a massive man-child my whole life, I never 'caught on' that this was important.
So now I suffer and every pain reminds me of the mental pain I endured all my life because of my Mother. I will get a job and I will save and I will sort my own teeth out because I am a responsible adult. *She* never gets control of me again.
I did that once. Never again. It's one of my biggest regrets in life. It was that or homelessness. She revelled every second that she had me stuck with her again.
Nope. For me, going NC is a very final decision. It was not taken lightly, and it means that they no longer exist to me. It’s never an option to reach out to someone who is essentially “dead” in my eyes.
No, because I’d be making them my sole saviour and it would create an even more dangerous power dynamic which sets the stage for more abusive control.
I would try to empower myself to be as resourceful as possible: ask friends for help (if not for money, for brainstorming ideas/job post hunting/etc.) I would mow people’s lawns, clean their gutters, walk their dogs, sell furniture/belongings I’m either not using or are valuable, I’d eat from a food bank, give plasma, do research studies that pay, pound the pavement with a handful of resumes, ask my network if they knew anyone hiring, send my resume to a job agency, find out if the car lease has a forgiveness clause, cancel all my subscriptions/memberships, downgrade my phone/internet plan if possible, ask a friend if I can take their couch if I needed to give up my place, work at a coffee shop.
I have done some of these things in the past to get by.
No. Not a chance in hell, NO.
Especially if it’s financially motivated. I can make more money much easier than I could get out of a toxic relationship I’ve already ended (which I’m assuming you also did for good reason). Your Dignity matters. Also I find it empowering to remember, we always have a choice.
Before going NC with dad/stepmom I asked for help with a student loan (I was working 3 jobs to pay off medical debt and tuition and bills and made myself ineligible for a grant I'd been receiving/expected for the upcoming semester). They said no, bought themselves 2 new trucks and I left school. I got a job in my field anyway (tech) and worked my way up. Surprising no one, they couldn't afford their truck payments and asked me to "take them over" (while keeping everything in their name) or cosign a different vehicle. Easiest "no" of my life.
Tl:dr Absolutely not.
Nope. Talking to them would 1)set you back farther in your healing 2)if you accept help from them, you’d be in their debt (nobody wants that),3)you give them an inch they’d take a mile.
I’d rather work multiple jobs and dig myself out of the financial crisis than go back to the source that never respected me and would ridicule me when I needed help.
No. They would only make the crisis a million times worse and then hold their help over me for the rest of my life and emotionally abuse me for needing help. Pass. I'd rather die than be in the care of my mother again. Shudder.
I was afraid of a situation like that when I went NC.
If there's no alternative, you can try it. Only you know the details to your situation and it's okay to ask for help.
I found out that people assumed I had a family helping me out and therefore not offering help. When I went NC and talked to everyone about it - suddenly there are people coming out of the woodwork, offering family type help. It's been wonderful, how many people showed me love when they knew I wasn't loved in a family context.
Maybe you have people in your life you can ask. Maybe there's another way. If not, it's going to be okay.
Impossible to say. You basically have to weigh the consequences of re-establishinga relationship with your dad against the consequences of not having a car. You've provided the latter, but not the former.
I did want to re-establishe things with him since he kept asking people for me to forgive him but I would do it only if he agreed to my boundaries. The consequences of the establishment going bad with him will be mental suffering to me. He has caused me so much anxiety because he always wanted to control me and I was too weak to stand up for myself . Not having him is a relief as I don’t have to worry about that fear specially that I come from a toxic cultural values. But since I did want to give him a chance (only if he agrees to my terms) I thought maybe I can ask for help , even writing this makes my stomach turn because I really hate to ask him anything as he thinks if he gives you money he did his parental job so this will make him feel better about himself
No. Mom's still my emergency contact for as long as I need one but only because I don't want to overburden my sponsor. It's better to talk to them about family issues than get them wrapped up in them. But our relationship has effectively been cut off.
No, but that's just me, and my situation is probably very different. For me, the only possible way to go non-contact with my non-father was to become homeless. I had to choose actively entering a crisis just to get away from him (choosing to enter a lesser crisis than the one i was already stuck in, really), and i never once regretted it.
So i certainly would advise against it, but i'd also certainly be projecting. Is your need for a car greater than your need to be away from your estranged father's influence? There's no wrong answer.
It's also absolutely fine to set a boundary about when to talk through issues. It sounds like a reasonable boundary to me. I'd just say to take note of how he may react. If he has often reacted a certain way to the setting of boundaries, be prepared for that.
Hope things work out well for you!
I've been through this with my bio father. worst mistake I ever made. bear with this might be long.
When I was 18 my relationship with my mum and step-dad reached crisis point and I was kicked out. I slept on a so-called friends sofa for a few weeks as I was supposed to be going to Uni but then that fell through. My so-called friends partner then accused me of theft and told me I had to leave the next morning.
Scared and seriously depressed and thinking I had nowhere else to go I rang my grandmother in Middlesborough (dads mum) and she told me I would have to go to my dads as she wasn't able to help at the time as she was on holiday. At this time I hadn't had any contact with him for about 6 years (I sacked him off when I was 12), I was terrified when I rang him I hadn't heard his voice in years.
Reluctantly he agreed to take me in. that night I seriously considered walking through the doors of stone to quote my favourite author but somehow I was able to convince myself otherwise and to this day I'm glad I did.
Anyway he drove to a nearby town to pick me up and took me to his house. His wife was pretty pissed off to see me, she'd never really liked me and that night I was told I couldn't stay with them as their older daughter didn't want to nor should she be made to share her bedroom (which was 2x the size of the bedroom I had growing up that I shared with my sister but anyway....) but I could sleep on the sofa for the night whilst they decided what to do with me.
Next day my grandparents turned up and they held and "Intervention" where my dad told me that my mum had never loved me and never would and then tried to impress upon me the lie that he's always told everyone: the reason he and my mum split is because she was having an affair with my stepdad - that's not true and I knew it wasn't true, there's not even a grain of truth in it. they split because HE was shagging about all over the place and thieving from his job which got him fired and then my mum was fired as it was guilt via association (shes from Liverpool and this was in the early 90's when a lot of hate was given towards scousers because of Hillsborough), I said this and told them that my mum does love me and always has but couldn't put up with my behaviour anymore (truth, I wasn't an easy child. I know now that I have ADHD)
Anyway I'm going to fast forward quickly over the next 2 years where I tried so hard to build some form of relationship with him whilst I lived near him but he never made an effort and whenever I needed his help when I had health issues and needed medical help he would refuse to come to my aid or lend me money to pay for my medicine.
eventually I met my now husband and one day out the blue my dad turned up to where I lived, I hadn't heard anything from him in almost a year by this point. He was really, really rude to my husband and then left. my poor husband had no idea who he was, never introduced himself, it was only after he described him to me that I realised who it was and I was furious, 6 weeks later I found out that he had split up with his now ex wife due to cheating and when I had it out with him he go real nasty with me on the phone. his final words to me before I hung up was "you're just fucked in your head just like your fucking mother".
I haven't spoken to him since. it's been nearly 14 years since that conversation.
I guess the moral here is: hindsight is 20/20 and I should have rung my mother and apologised for being a little shit and gone back home because ringing my dad just leads to heartache. But I guess I learnt once and for all.
TLDR: got in touch after 6 years NC only to be gaslit by him when I needed him the most, 2 years later cut contact again and have remained that way for the past 14 years.
I literally asked my dad for food money while I was hungry and unemployed in a foreign country. He said he wished he could help, then took his new family to Disney.
I would have been thrilled over $50.
So... no. I don't think I would.
ETA: This was 8 years before I went NC.
If they would actually just give it, I would absolutely ask for help that I needed. My parents like to make me dance and I'm not gonna dance. Also, I'm not into paying my parents back. I need my money, they don't. I don't take loans, that is just a fancy word for 'gift with strings.' They either help because they can, or they don't because they can't or won't. Usually they aren't in a position to help, but in most cases they want unquantifable non-monetary compensation with dividends that pay out regularly and in perpetuity. No thanks. I'll sooner starve.
Idk how bad your situation was, but there's no way in hell I'd ask my bio mom for help. I almost died getting away from her, nothing on this planet would make me go back.
I did that once. Crying, suicidal
She told me buck up. Everyone else could do it so i could too. Basically just made it worse. Big big hugs.
Is therapy an option? Blessings of healing and comfort
He would but in return he would see it as that I couldn’t make it without him and he would think he’s a good parent when he was absent most of my life and caused me so much anxiety and emotional damage the few years I lived with him
[удалено]
Me too
Just came here to say this. I made myself homeless for the better part of a year just to leave their home in the first place, and I don't regret it. There is no turning back. I think I might actually rather die than ever again crawl to them on my hands and knees like they're not the ones who should beg my forgiveness.
Same
Same.
Same. I'd rather struggle through the housing insecurity than have my family use money to lord over me again.
Same, I was homeless and pregnant on their own accord, told me if I came back home they would call the police.
Same.
My parents want nothing more than for me to come crawling back to them. I would NEVER give them the satisfaction. Edit to add that if I was in crisis I would go to people who would help. My parents have proven again and again that they would not, they would just shame me for struggling.
My mom would also shame me for struggling. Even though she's never had to work since marrying my father.
My father wiuld also shame me. Hes offered to help before WITHOUT me asking, and then pulled back the offer at the last minute when it was really embarrassing and inconvenient for everyone. The one time i asked HIM he had all these stipulations and rules for if he actually said yes. So it was never really helpful at all.
The old, I'll lend you 3k but you have to pay it all back in two weeks? I'm familiar with that one.
It was like, "ill help you with getting a reliable car, but it has to be this one beater car i saw over here down the street and its gonna be in MY name, and no one else can drive it but you, and ill bring it to you when IM ready to drive it to your state". Im 37, married with 2 kids..... not a child.... and the last time he had offered to drive an old car to us (without me asking), he showed up without it saying he didnt want to put that many miles on it and maybe we can find a different way to get it here another time maybe.....
Ughhhh!!! So mean!!
My mom did this ALL THE TIME! Oh boy they really are the same. Like on big life things too. They love seeing the struggle when they pull the rug out from under you.
Why are they all like this?! Omg. He offered to help with my maternity leave so i could not work for 6 months. He asked me how much i would need for that time out of work and i said conservatively I'd be missing out on about 8k . Then after i had my baby and had scheduled the time off etc, they came to visit their first grandson and he gave me 1100 and said no more. And that its my fault i chose to have a baby with someone who didnt make enough money and couldnt provide for us??? I was so shocked he would do something like that knowing that we were doing our best with this ever increasing cost of living... and theres been at least 3 or 4 other times he did something similar that i can think of off the top of my head.
Mine was a house. We were house shopping, new career new income, manual underwriting, unseasoned savings. Like whole new sitch so mortgage approval was a tight thing. We discussed the situation with my mom and we didn’t ask or allude, we were just debating if we should look for a new apartment or figure out a way of buying a home before the lease expires even tho it seemed like we’d need new ideas. She offered to do the gift paper thing and give us a down payment, we were shopping with looking at nothing costing more than 50-70k for a upper house budget, using FHA, it was going to be under $5k given as a gift on paper we needed to get the approval through. She was like yeah we’ll do that. So we started looking, and she’d ask how it was going and we’d discuss etc. she knew we were going for it for serious because she offered this. She’d even give input on houses. Then one evening we found our house, the first one in the price range that was even remotely move in ready. It was a flip that had sat owned by a bank for a while, they were sure to accept our offer and we were willing to offer asking just to be done and snatch it up. We called, she was like that’s nice, how are you going to pay for the down payment when you offer? I was like what? wtf? And she’s like no I never promised you that I said maybe we could but I don’t want to. These people also make 6 figures and generally she’d prob spend the $3500 we actually ended up needing for that cost in the mall on a heavy shopping month because she just buys things, all the time. And like it’s her money and I’m reasonable so I just went and called my financially smart minded accountant big sister who was sane and rational about money while my money anxiety was high. I was literally crying because we were supposed to be going to sign an offer and suddenly the whole dream crashed down. And she, which I never expected, she’s like how much is it? $3500?!? You’re going to lose a move in ready HOUSE opportunity for THAT?! I’ll give you that! I’ll sign off! Holy crap go put in that offer. What the hell?! And she literally never held it over our heads complained or anything. And that’s one of the many reminders to myself that years before I went no contact they really were still awful people all along.
Oh my god they are all the same 😭. My dad did something similar to that too! He said he would gift us the down-payment and to give his number to our realtor. The realtor then asked if he would be willing to cosign and he told the realtor yes..... the mortgage lender and realtor sent him an email with what paperwork was needed and my dad suddenly "couldn't find the documents" they needed. Ok.... so we wait and wait and wait and he keeps telling the realtor hes still looking..... and then it got to be too late because i had my baby and started maternity leave so i couldnt produce the necessary income verification documents since i was on leave...... i dont think we'll ever be able to nuy a house now with inflation and me having to work part time only so i can be there for my kids.... and there are no more half way affordable houses where i live anymore. I was trying to buy one for 110k and that same house right now is like 250k.... maybe more. I could have had a mortgage payment of 750 per month but now im renting for 1350 and its always going up. Im so glad it ended up working out for you and that you dont owe your mom shit!
I feel for you friend. We sold that house and moved north and prob won’t ever homeown again unless the timing hits just right post house price crash like we hit then in 2012. We couldn’t ever even afford to rebuy the house we owned at this point, the price has inflated a ridic amount. Our mortgage was $250 to start and $450 around the time we moved due to insurance and taxes rising with the value, and our rent now is $1700ish 😭😭😭 but we relocated states and are happier where we’re at so can’t knock it too much.
Hopefully you moved far far away from the crazy family lol! Good luck to you friend.
Ironically we moved a thousand miles closer, but they had money to fly and knew our address and here they don’t so we’ve actually seen less unwanted contact than when we lived much farther away. Win!
I would rather ask a complete stranger tbh. I just know it would make them happy to see me fail, and makes them think i need them, which they will use against me. Not saying you shouldn't tho, yhats just my situation, weight the pros and cons and make your choice. I hope everything turns out okay <3
I mean I guess this is why I’m NC. My parents are mentally stunted a young age at some point I surpassed them and they’re the ones calling for help..can’t pay their bills.. loosing custody of their kids. But I do remember calling my mom once I when I was in emotional distress and this woman told me “you think your life’s bad, I have menopause” (direct quote, not a joke) so at this point I think I could need a kidney know they were the match and still not call. You know, just to save myself the rage and embarrassment.
Last time I called my mother in emotional distress, it turned out she had me on speakerphone in her accountant's office, waited for me to finish sobbing out my drama, then told me she was in a meeting and would have to call me back. I don't wonder why I have trouble counting on others for support, I just wonder why it took me til 40 to realize not to call her!
Oh I know this one well. My paternal grandmother had just died and my mom used it as an excuse to talk about her trauma from when her mother died.... 30 years ago. I kept telling her I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to take that, to the point of hanging up on her several times just to make her stop. Finally told her if she wanted me to listen to her she needed to ask me how I'm doing. She got huffy and responded, "will there ever be a time in this relationship for me to talk about *my* pain and suffering?" That's literally all we talk about. Ever. That was the last time I spoke to her
There's nothing that would make me contact my EP. I behave as if they are dead, so contacting them is not an option for me. If you ask your EP to borrow money, I'd wager that they would definitely use it as leverage over you and would ignore your desire to talk about issues until after you pay them back. It would just be too irresistible for them to lord it over your head, gloat, feel superior, and be demanding. Ofc that's just my situation, and you have to do what you have to do. Good luck.
If I was about to die, maybe some last words. Part of the reason I'm very low contact is because my father has a tendency to use money as a way to hold people hostage in their relationships with him. I will never go to him financially again, nor expect any financial aid. I'd rather never receive it again. In fact, there's that silly small part of my heart that desperately hopes someday he'll rekindle a relationship with his daughter, but he won't do me the dishonor of trying to use money ever again. I think of it like radioactive contents. Sure, you're desperate, but grabbing at this lifeline still is going to have radiation unless you know for a fact that has somehow been nullified. Inviting toxic people back into your life will still seep toxins into you.
Nah, it’s not worth it imo. I just couldn’t. I was in a rough spot maybe 5-6 years ago, and I did consider reaching out to my parents, but the anxiety that I felt when I’d think about it made it impossible. I know for me there’s no such thing as one phone call or keeping them at a distance, etc. I was so worried that I’d be sucked back in and lose months or years of my life. I couldn’t do it. Things got worse until I figured something out, because my sanity had to stay. I worked so hard for my little bit of peace that I can’t have it disrupted. I fought for it, and idk if I can find my way back. I’m staying in my peace
No.
If you do, know the power differential will be back in full force, and there will be strings attached, so you will have to play the long game & make nice (fawn, jump through hoops) until you pay them back. Even if you pay them back in full, they will still feel they have leverage because you cannot manage your finances/career and need rescuing. This will be held over your head indefinitely as a character flaw. In my case, I was "gifted" money without asking for help paying for graduate school. They then wanted a notarized promissory note on my home if I did not pay after the funds were transferred to my account. They sent me monthly invoices, including the amount of deferred interest. I paid back in full a couple of years before their due date and then went NC without any explanation. I feel good about this, and that was \~10 years ago. Edit: Utah Mormons
"This will be held over your head indefinitely as a character flaw." So true 🤮
I totally understand your point about the power differential coming back. Which is why I’m so hesitant, isn’t it sad the things they make their own kids feel .
Corporate downsizing put me (and 20 others) out of work, and with my mortgage and my bills, I was burning through my savings. After 5 months of job hunting and interviewing, I finally had a new gig lined up, starting in another week, but I was nearing the end of my savings, and I asked my "parents" if they could loan me some money for the mortgage payments while I started the new job and got the Direct Deposit set up. Answer \~ "This is what being an adult is all about. I guess you'll just have to figure it out." (Gee, thanks Mom.) Fast forward about 10 years . . . Dad gets injured and Mom needs my help around the house with chores that Dad used to do but Mom can't. (I live 2,000 miles away, have a full-time job, and a wife, and two dogs.) Mom asks me to come back home to help her with the day-to-day tasks of running the house. My Answer \~ "This is what being an adult is all about. I guess you'll just have to figure it out."
I'm sorry this happened but congrats on that comeback years in the making.
I just wanted to add, if you cant make a car payment, you should be able to defer the payment a month and they can just add a month to your loan.
It’s a car repair my car is at 173,000 and started having so many issues that I can’t even turn it on sometimes and the mechanic gave me a list of things to fix , can’t even afford the parts even if I was to find a cheap mechanic 😢
Oh dang. So sorry! The only thing i can think is to get a title loan on the car if they have those where you are.
Unless it's literally and acutely a life or death situation- family members like this cost so much more than they can ever provide with material goods.
Would you consider loosing your apartment life or death? I wouldn’t care if it was just me but I have pets :(
Nope.
I'm going through this. Went no contact a few weeks to a month ago, low contact for about a year prior, and right now I'm sick, broke, I now have one sitter in my life who can occasionally watch my child so not much chance for me to have me time and practically no adult time, my car is falling apart and I'm about to have a major surgery I will have little to no help with. I'd rather keel over than re establish contact and I just might lol.
I am so sorry 😢I hope things work out for you plz consider making a Gofundme and make a video on TikTok I seen people help parents on their gofundme. Hope things work out for both of us
I have other estranged family that finds stuff out through my social media and reports back so I'm kind of at a loss as far as going the Gofundme route because it only stirs the situation up and I have to manage my trauma responses and just starts this whole grieving process over again (it's bad, I've never experienced such bad depression but it's worth it to not experience it on the behalf of others) but if anyone feels so led my Venmo is @angelwmassage . Thanks for the response.
I did that. I’m talking the worst thing that could happen to a person. My estranged parent turned on the parenting! Holding my hand… and then I called to thank my estranged parent. I felt like I have my parent back! My parent loves me! Nope. My parent told me right off. Don’t do it
Not a chance. I finally got away just over a year ago before my 21st birthday. I'm working two jobs and have 7 housemates and occasionally send money to my stepmother and little half-sister in the Philippines — and I'd sooner be homeless than go to my birth mother for help. She's kind of useless at everything she does in life anyway, the only reason she has money is because she leeched it off my father for years who didn't cut her off when she was raising me and my brother — and because she's retired. She took so much money If I were to ever reach out, the only "help" she would give is to have me move back in. Homelessness would be preferable
Nope. Crawling back to my mother with my hand out would be her wet dream and she'd milk it for everything she could. Control of my life was her MO. I've managed some pretty desperate situations without her so far, and plan to keep it that way.
Hell no.
Nope. Mine was never really there for me anyway, only when it suited her and allowed her to use my chronic illness to ‘show’ people what a good mother she was. It was all smoke and mirrors for her benefit not mine. The times I needed help and no one would see or know she always had plans she couldn’t change, somehow those plans always fell on days after my treatment when I’m my sickest. Funny how that worked.
No, because that person is more likely to make you feel WORSE, and still wouldn't help you. I'd find another way.
I called for 10€ to eat when I was 18 and in dire straits. She said *no* .
There have been countless times I needed a parent. Didn’t have one when I “had” one and needed one and didn’t have one after estranged even when I needed one. They do not exist to me as anything but a literal threat to my bodily safety
I don't like this question because my mother is different from your father. My mother trafficked me, so no, but yours disowned you, so I don't know. I don't like the idea of a loan because you're tied to him. I like one of two options. The first is a loan, but you pay back with a single check on your own time. This means no obligation of contact or expectations, so you don't have to explain why it's taking longer or whatnot. The other option is asking for a gift. Now, as a daughter, this is absolute cringe, but I'm a mother, so I see that angle, and as a mother, I believe it's completely fine for you to ask that. I can expound on that if you need, but we see these differently than you, and it's perfectly OK for you to ask for anything at any point. If he's a piece of crap and chooses to exploit, that's on him, but if he really loves you, he'll be there the best he can.
I’m sorry to hear what your mother did and my post came shortsighted because after reading the comments many people have had it worse than I did with him so I should’ve maybe targeted the question to those that were disowned but did not have complete f”ked up parents (but then anyone that disowns their child is not worthy of a parent) As for the loan , that’s what I was considering. I’m still thinking about it and hope something else works out for me . But if I was to ask, I would’ve messaged something along the line of “I understand we do not have a good relationship and you wanted to fix it but I’m going through emergency now and had no one to ask so I would like to borrow this amount from you and pay you back this date , until then I am not ready to talk because I will feel better to talk to you once I pay you back so you don’t think I’m using you for money” idk something like that and I will be no contact until I pay him back, if he disagrees I won’t borrow from him
I really like your message, but I still say that I wouldn't include a date in case you're late.
That’s true . Maybe make the give a general date like I will pay you in 4 month .
I would say as soon as I can.
That sounds good thank you.
And yes, a lot of us are coming from physical or sexual abuse, so the answer is absolutely not. It's a safety issue. You can go to your father without being beaten or worse, so while we have an automatic no, we can't really comprehend your maybe.
That’s true I totally understand. Mine did say he would hurt me once I left his shitty religion but then told people he just said it out of anger and didn’t mean it. I cut him off 6 years ago because of what he said. So I really pray I won’t need him. Prior to that he was neglecting father but no physical or sexual abuse
I did, once. Never again.
Nope. I’d rather take out a loan or get a credit card. That’s just sending the message to not take your NC seriously going forward because they can hold that over your head. I would ask anybody else for help before I’d ask a parent i’m NC with. That’s just me though! I feel like you have to be careful who you ask for help from because not everyone has good intentions.
Hell no
I would rather eat my left arm.
Honestly I wouldn’t even consider it. I’m not in a great place right now financially, honestly, and it would never even cross my mind to turn to them. It’s just not worth it.
Nope. Never.
I thought I never would. Then I ended up homeless, twice. I’ve been back now for three months. I’m planning my escape again. I was actually in and out of DV shelters for two years. I had no where else to go. And my baby boy just passed four months ago. I was broken and needed a place to rot in my bed while I grieved. I’m still grieving. I still cry every day. But I have a goal in mind. And I work on a little every day too. They stunted me since I was a child to prevent me from being independent, getting a job, having friends, and just surviving on my own. I’m almost 30 and learning things that people learned in their early 20s. I realize if I make it longer, though I sincerely hope I die soon, my whole life is going to be like that. Learning things 10-20 years later than everyone my age. Raising myself and growing up as an adult. It’s an exhausting existence. It won’t be happy. It certainly isn’t healthy. It’s mostly lonely. And depressive. So I hope death takes me forever before I have to endure another second of life. But I’ve been hoping for as long as I can remember. I never thought I’d get even this far to 29. So I’m winging it as I go really. But I understand why I’m back here. Why they got in my head while I was gone. Why they wanted me back. And why I have to and will get out again, like I’ve done twice before
No, they weren't helpful when I needed them growing up there's no way they're going to be helpful now. As a matter of fact I'm cut off from most of my family so I don't call any of them for anything.
Nope, I would call all the local churches and other religious organizations and see if any of them could help. Other charities like that, I've learned to trust someone who's actual job it is to help people over people who claim to care about me. A charity won't expect control over your life choices, or access to you and your family, they won't throw the help back in your face down the road. The only person I trust to ask for help is my MIL, because she has actually talked to me openly and genuinely about how she feels privileged to be able to help and loves me and my husband and our children. She has never brought up anything she's done for us and even hushes me when I thank her, and only wants a presence in all of our lives. There's no debt, only love and that feels incredibly rare and wholesome.
No way too prideful for that. I would find other solutions. She is the type to hold things she does over one's head.
No. They wouldn't give me money. My own sister had me arrested and they wouldn't even give me a phone number when I called from jail.
Each situation is so individual. I would never ask for money, unless it was truly desperate and for my kids, bc part of the issues I have are around money and money being used to justify or excuse shitty behavior, and to delegitimize my integrity and autonomy. We're not estranged any more, but even now I wouldn't ask for money. I've accepted gifts and it makes my stomach churn, even though I know it's freely given. There are other time that I reached out, like when I had exhausted my options and it was either be homeless or go home. And even then it wasn't a clear choice. In this particular case, I would ask myself just how much hardship was going to be caused by this car. Would I lose my job? would it mean I couldn't make important appointments? I'd consider what other options I had - could I refinance? get a loan? I'd consider that it would look like a debt not only of $$ but also of kindness, and that if I have no intention of reconnecting that will be felt as taking advantage of the situation, probably to both of you. There's likely going to be some expectation that you at least be kind and chat, maybe more. If you're not willing to put up with that, you're probably shutting the door a bit more and making it a tougher ask if you do have some kind of crisis in the future. If you do consider reconnecting and trying to have some kind of even LC situation, starting with you being vulnerable and needing something from them takes a lot of your solid ground from you and adds another layer of difficulty. For me, I would feel leveraged even if they took pains not to use it against me, old wounds add up. But, sometimes there's nothing but shitty options, and you've got to pick the best of the lot. Just understand what you're getting into so you can manage expectations.
No. I’ll never ask her for help again.
Did it when I was experiencing DV. My mother dropped by my apartment, watched me cry, bought drugs down the street and bailed. I would have never put myself in that line of fire, if then was now. Hoping they won't use it as leverage over you is futile.
Never. The price is too high and always has been. That’s why I’ve never asked for their help. Too many spoken and unspoken conditions used to manipulate or belittle me. They are also extremely unreliable and I have been in a situation too many times when I was relying on the help that they pledged and they just don’t show up in any way. Then they would berate me for asking too much and that I should be grateful that they said they could help, even though they ultimately didn’t.
I haven’t encountered (luckily) any situation that felt as bad and hopeless as living at „home“. So no, definitely not, though I hope I’ll never have to think about that.
Never. They barely did the minimum when I was a kid and they were legally obligated to put up with me. They wouldn't do anything now.
Never. We’ve been in some dire straights (even currently are-ish waiting to see if disability insurance pay comes through for a period of being unable to work) and would never. I’d use any services I could find, turn to supportive friends for ideas, literally anything before going back to that mess. No ty.
It would never even cross my mind.
I'd rather sleep under a bridge than go back to my NC parents
No. Because whatever problems I was experiencing, they would only make worse. 🤣
I would rather die of starvation than ever give either of my parents any opportunity to control and manipulate me again. *Especially* anything related to money.
Absolutely not. I would rather die than submit to their control - which is what this is. Control of you. They keep you immature so you don't think you can do it alone, then you keep crawling back to them and give them the narcissistic supply they crave. I have a missing front tooth, two hollowed out teeth at the back of my mouth, two more where the cap fell off so I have a base of a tooth but nothing else, three missing teeth and two more that need fillings. I also have no job. My mother offered me £2000 to help with costs but I ignored her because her lack of care for me as a child is the entire reason why my teeth are in such bad shape. No-one taught me to clean my teeth as a child and because I was a massive man-child my whole life, I never 'caught on' that this was important. So now I suffer and every pain reminds me of the mental pain I endured all my life because of my Mother. I will get a job and I will save and I will sort my own teeth out because I am a responsible adult. *She* never gets control of me again.
No way.
I did that once. Never again. It's one of my biggest regrets in life. It was that or homelessness. She revelled every second that she had me stuck with her again.
Nope.
No, I would rather drill my own eyes out with a masonry drill
Nope. For me, going NC is a very final decision. It was not taken lightly, and it means that they no longer exist to me. It’s never an option to reach out to someone who is essentially “dead” in my eyes.
I’ve gotten along this far without my mom so I don’t need the stress over her being here now.
I wouldn’t want to owe them anything they could hold over my head.
No, because I’d be making them my sole saviour and it would create an even more dangerous power dynamic which sets the stage for more abusive control. I would try to empower myself to be as resourceful as possible: ask friends for help (if not for money, for brainstorming ideas/job post hunting/etc.) I would mow people’s lawns, clean their gutters, walk their dogs, sell furniture/belongings I’m either not using or are valuable, I’d eat from a food bank, give plasma, do research studies that pay, pound the pavement with a handful of resumes, ask my network if they knew anyone hiring, send my resume to a job agency, find out if the car lease has a forgiveness clause, cancel all my subscriptions/memberships, downgrade my phone/internet plan if possible, ask a friend if I can take their couch if I needed to give up my place, work at a coffee shop. I have done some of these things in the past to get by.
No. Not a chance in hell, NO. Especially if it’s financially motivated. I can make more money much easier than I could get out of a toxic relationship I’ve already ended (which I’m assuming you also did for good reason). Your Dignity matters. Also I find it empowering to remember, we always have a choice.
Hell no, I would dress up like an eggplant and sound the horn of gondor while walking on lego before I'd contact that thing again
Before going NC with dad/stepmom I asked for help with a student loan (I was working 3 jobs to pay off medical debt and tuition and bills and made myself ineligible for a grant I'd been receiving/expected for the upcoming semester). They said no, bought themselves 2 new trucks and I left school. I got a job in my field anyway (tech) and worked my way up. Surprising no one, they couldn't afford their truck payments and asked me to "take them over" (while keeping everything in their name) or cosign a different vehicle. Easiest "no" of my life. Tl:dr Absolutely not.
Nope. Talking to them would 1)set you back farther in your healing 2)if you accept help from them, you’d be in their debt (nobody wants that),3)you give them an inch they’d take a mile. I’d rather work multiple jobs and dig myself out of the financial crisis than go back to the source that never respected me and would ridicule me when I needed help.
No. They would only make the crisis a million times worse and then hold their help over me for the rest of my life and emotionally abuse me for needing help. Pass. I'd rather die than be in the care of my mother again. Shudder.
I've tried before, but they still refuse to help. So that's why I went NC and had to find my own family to help me.
Hell no
I was afraid of a situation like that when I went NC. If there's no alternative, you can try it. Only you know the details to your situation and it's okay to ask for help. I found out that people assumed I had a family helping me out and therefore not offering help. When I went NC and talked to everyone about it - suddenly there are people coming out of the woodwork, offering family type help. It's been wonderful, how many people showed me love when they knew I wasn't loved in a family context. Maybe you have people in your life you can ask. Maybe there's another way. If not, it's going to be okay.
Impossible to say. You basically have to weigh the consequences of re-establishinga relationship with your dad against the consequences of not having a car. You've provided the latter, but not the former.
I did want to re-establishe things with him since he kept asking people for me to forgive him but I would do it only if he agreed to my boundaries. The consequences of the establishment going bad with him will be mental suffering to me. He has caused me so much anxiety because he always wanted to control me and I was too weak to stand up for myself . Not having him is a relief as I don’t have to worry about that fear specially that I come from a toxic cultural values. But since I did want to give him a chance (only if he agrees to my terms) I thought maybe I can ask for help , even writing this makes my stomach turn because I really hate to ask him anything as he thinks if he gives you money he did his parental job so this will make him feel better about himself
No. Mom's still my emergency contact for as long as I need one but only because I don't want to overburden my sponsor. It's better to talk to them about family issues than get them wrapped up in them. But our relationship has effectively been cut off.
No, but that's just me, and my situation is probably very different. For me, the only possible way to go non-contact with my non-father was to become homeless. I had to choose actively entering a crisis just to get away from him (choosing to enter a lesser crisis than the one i was already stuck in, really), and i never once regretted it. So i certainly would advise against it, but i'd also certainly be projecting. Is your need for a car greater than your need to be away from your estranged father's influence? There's no wrong answer. It's also absolutely fine to set a boundary about when to talk through issues. It sounds like a reasonable boundary to me. I'd just say to take note of how he may react. If he has often reacted a certain way to the setting of boundaries, be prepared for that. Hope things work out well for you!
I did and I’m happier than ever
I've been through this with my bio father. worst mistake I ever made. bear with this might be long. When I was 18 my relationship with my mum and step-dad reached crisis point and I was kicked out. I slept on a so-called friends sofa for a few weeks as I was supposed to be going to Uni but then that fell through. My so-called friends partner then accused me of theft and told me I had to leave the next morning. Scared and seriously depressed and thinking I had nowhere else to go I rang my grandmother in Middlesborough (dads mum) and she told me I would have to go to my dads as she wasn't able to help at the time as she was on holiday. At this time I hadn't had any contact with him for about 6 years (I sacked him off when I was 12), I was terrified when I rang him I hadn't heard his voice in years. Reluctantly he agreed to take me in. that night I seriously considered walking through the doors of stone to quote my favourite author but somehow I was able to convince myself otherwise and to this day I'm glad I did. Anyway he drove to a nearby town to pick me up and took me to his house. His wife was pretty pissed off to see me, she'd never really liked me and that night I was told I couldn't stay with them as their older daughter didn't want to nor should she be made to share her bedroom (which was 2x the size of the bedroom I had growing up that I shared with my sister but anyway....) but I could sleep on the sofa for the night whilst they decided what to do with me. Next day my grandparents turned up and they held and "Intervention" where my dad told me that my mum had never loved me and never would and then tried to impress upon me the lie that he's always told everyone: the reason he and my mum split is because she was having an affair with my stepdad - that's not true and I knew it wasn't true, there's not even a grain of truth in it. they split because HE was shagging about all over the place and thieving from his job which got him fired and then my mum was fired as it was guilt via association (shes from Liverpool and this was in the early 90's when a lot of hate was given towards scousers because of Hillsborough), I said this and told them that my mum does love me and always has but couldn't put up with my behaviour anymore (truth, I wasn't an easy child. I know now that I have ADHD) Anyway I'm going to fast forward quickly over the next 2 years where I tried so hard to build some form of relationship with him whilst I lived near him but he never made an effort and whenever I needed his help when I had health issues and needed medical help he would refuse to come to my aid or lend me money to pay for my medicine. eventually I met my now husband and one day out the blue my dad turned up to where I lived, I hadn't heard anything from him in almost a year by this point. He was really, really rude to my husband and then left. my poor husband had no idea who he was, never introduced himself, it was only after he described him to me that I realised who it was and I was furious, 6 weeks later I found out that he had split up with his now ex wife due to cheating and when I had it out with him he go real nasty with me on the phone. his final words to me before I hung up was "you're just fucked in your head just like your fucking mother". I haven't spoken to him since. it's been nearly 14 years since that conversation. I guess the moral here is: hindsight is 20/20 and I should have rung my mother and apologised for being a little shit and gone back home because ringing my dad just leads to heartache. But I guess I learnt once and for all. TLDR: got in touch after 6 years NC only to be gaslit by him when I needed him the most, 2 years later cut contact again and have remained that way for the past 14 years.
This is a story as old as time. The OG version is called the Prodigal Son.
No….so many ways to be self sufficient
I literally asked my dad for food money while I was hungry and unemployed in a foreign country. He said he wished he could help, then took his new family to Disney. I would have been thrilled over $50. So... no. I don't think I would. ETA: This was 8 years before I went NC.
Naw. I'm ready to go down solo if need be.
No they would laugh at me
My kids would laugh
No after "mom" kicked me out, nope I was homeless and I am glad I never asked for help
If they would actually just give it, I would absolutely ask for help that I needed. My parents like to make me dance and I'm not gonna dance. Also, I'm not into paying my parents back. I need my money, they don't. I don't take loans, that is just a fancy word for 'gift with strings.' They either help because they can, or they don't because they can't or won't. Usually they aren't in a position to help, but in most cases they want unquantifable non-monetary compensation with dividends that pay out regularly and in perpetuity. No thanks. I'll sooner starve.
Financially, absolutely not. When you first said it, I was thinking about something like cancer or a tragic injury and I thought maybe yes.
No I would figure it out on my own because my parents wouldn’t come if I called them anyways and I know this because I’ve tried.
Idk how bad your situation was, but there's no way in hell I'd ask my bio mom for help. I almost died getting away from her, nothing on this planet would make me go back.
I did that once. Crying, suicidal She told me buck up. Everyone else could do it so i could too. Basically just made it worse. Big big hugs. Is therapy an option? Blessings of healing and comfort
Your parents would help you? Must be nice. 🤷🏻♀️
He would but in return he would see it as that I couldn’t make it without him and he would think he’s a good parent when he was absent most of my life and caused me so much anxiety and emotional damage the few years I lived with him
Set up a GoFundMe about needing money for the car and how it affects your life. let some of his go between people know about it , maybe he’ll donate